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They were just finishing lunch and since Hilary’s had now gone completely vegan - advertised as ‘Hilary’s café – eat Hilary’s diet’ – they were testing some of that out. Today it was the new blackbean and kale burgers –not that Hilary herself would have touched fried beans. There had also been, incidentally, some thought at Hilary’s for picking up on the ‘guinea’ bit of her species' name, by charging everything in units of £1 10p.
‘You know’ said the Priest ‘that old TV show of when we met - there are some things I don’t understand. To start with: - why - after you left – did you walk south over London Bridge?’
‘I left you at the restaurant in the Adelphi and you went off,’. he continued 'I assumed you went to find a hospital for your nose, and/or the imaginary miscarriage. The nearest hospital emergency department would be St Thomas’s - just a short walk over Waterloo Bridge. But the next scene we see is two miles away in the City - with you walking down King William Street and then going over London Bridge?’ ‘It might be assumed that you were heading for Guys Hospital – but they don’t have an emergency department. Wouldn’t it have been better for you to have gone to the Whittington or, at a pinch, the Royal Free Hospital which are both nearer where you live’.
‘I don’t know’ she said. ‘The script about us is implemented by production staff – who can change it for all sorts of technical reasons. The directions published in ‘Scriptures’ just say I crossed ‘a bridge’ with the City ‘resplendent’ in the background. And it does look good in that shot –if you look carefully down river you can see Tower Bridge, all lit up and I guess they would want to show something people (ie tourists) might recognise. The view from Waterloo Bridge isn’t nearly as good. But I don’t know why I was walking southwards over the River when home was to the north.’
‘Aren’t you being a bit unfair to Waterloo Bridge ‘ he said ‘Terry and Julie were ‘in paradise there – although it was well after sunset when you left the restaurant’. Next question though - how did Clare know where to find you?’
‘I haven’t the faintest idea. And her taxi pulled in and parked in the bus lane – but then black cabs do what they like, don’t they? However, can we come back to the Adelphi that evening and your actions - when I left the restaurant a real gentleman would have called a cab for me, and even come with me himself. You just left me to walk off (two miles, in a daze, to London Bridge)’
‘Its ok’, he continued ‘remember we have alternative lives now beyond the TV show. There are all these fanfics describing what we did. I remember very well getting you a cab and that nice John whats’isname wrote about it in a lot of detail. And if we did go off together in a cab from the restaurant we don’t have to worry about you walking over London Bridge.’
‘Yes. He described how you took me into some dodgy pub. I mean, it was ok – much friendlier than the posher places. But these places – with 8 pints each for the blokes, and a missing sink in the ladies – are getting very rare these days.’
‘Ah’ said the Priest ‘my misspent youth included an intimate knowledge of many Dublin pubs…… nothing like them, good for talking, no pretensions – a lot of character.
‘In north London I think they’ve nearly all gone but in the TV show it seemed I going south over London Bridge’ she said ‘and if we’d done that in the taxi, yes, we could have found something. There might still be some dodgy pubs round the back end of the Elephant - but these days its mostly grey paint on the outside and clean toilets inside. And going north you’ve got to go miles and miles before things get a bit rougher. Now – let’s say Edmonton - some years ago I went in a pub up there to ask to use the Ladies. There were only three customers - one was unconscious on the floor and the other two were ignoring him’
‘They were probably about to join him! Was the ladies clean?’ Perhaps we should start some sort of organisation – get a preservation order put on them – old blokes drinking mild, yellow walls inches deep in nicotine, dogs peeing on the floor, taciturn bar staff, fights …’
‘Can I remind you that in another thread of fanfics I am the owner of a very successful, and very respectable public house. That's not like you describe at all…. and also there wouldn't be anything the least bit down market anywhere near the Royal Free Hospital. So – that night we must have been going up to the Whittington and, yes, there did used to be some architypically dodgy pubs in the area south of Archway.
‘Yes. I meant to take you to the Whittington A&E, but instead we went in the pub and I eventually left you on the steps of the Whittington, to wait for Clare.’
Er – yes – but there aren’t any steps outside the Whittington A&E. But – if I had any sense I’d have told you I hadn’t had the miscarriage and got you to take me home …..I could have asked you in …. and we could have screwed each other senseless then and there. It would have saved a lot of trouble.’
‘That might have been ok for us but it would have wrecked the plot on the TV show and most of the fanfics. All that yearning would have been unnecessary and what’s more we wouldn’t exist and be here now discussing it’.
‘Time to face the real world!’