Chapter 1: Summoning Moiraine
Chapter Text
"I have given my life to finding the Dragon Reborn, finding Rand, and seeing him ready to face the Last Battle. I will see that done, whatever it requires. Nothing and no one can be more important than that."
—Moiraine Damodred
Siuan Sanche's light is dimming.
The former daughter of a fishing village never had any talent for poetry or dramatic retailing; that fact is unlikely to change now at the end of things. However, the Blue Ajah can spare the energy to smile grimly that she is fading away like a bedridden old crone, when she is as young as has ever been and when peace and light are again healing the world. Arguably Siaun is an expert at being powerless and fighting tooth and nail to regain it. First, as a lowly villager in the hierarchy of the Aes Sedai. Then, recovering from the burdens of the Stilling and regaining a semblance of status. Siaun knows almost everything there is to know about games of power both winning and losing.
The Great Pattern is returning all the pieces to their places. Amyrlin Seat is serving its people well during a strange, uncertain time. All their sacrifices for the sake of Rand al'Thor were worth it on balance, but there is still pain. The Stilling and Nynaeve al'Meara's impossibly stubborn healing were done under exceptional circumstances. Siaun alternatively lost powers and gained youth. Neither the wisest of the Yellows nor the Keeper could accurately recall anything like it. But, of course, Siuan Sanche always was unconventional in most things.
"I am going to summon Moiraine, if the eyes-and-eyes are everything you Blues claim, word should reach her soon enough." Nynaeve laces the words with all the authority she now carries.
"Moiraine Damodred is the best among us without question, but her talents lie elsewhere. Having faith in the knowledge of the White Tower and the skill of the yellows is a lesson you should know well from your days as Wisdom," Siaun chides, her voice weak and raspy.
"Leaving her in the dark on this matter would be the height of cruelty. Most unlike you Siuan, even at the height of your manipulation and scheming. I will ride to fetch her myself if you try to interfere." Lan threatens his voice gruff with emotion.
"I am dying, Lan, one of the many bodies that litter the Last Battle. There is no need to compound her heartache. The viewing is almost as young Mim foretold, minus a few details. Your fool of a wife couldn't leave well enough alone. " Siaun turns her weakly to look at the tall man.
"By which you mean I wasn't going to let you pass when there was still a chance at life. A foretelling is not absolute. Our current positions prove such a point. Moiraine Damodred is above all your dearest friend; let that fact give you solace while we work for your comfort." Nynaeve places a damp cloth on her forehead.
"The people of the Two Rivers were right to name you Wisdom, despite such stubbornness. I concede from one village girl well above her original station to another. Be prepared for the halls of the White Tower to tremble. Moiraine Damodred hasn't truly lost her temper in a few decades, its a sight to behold." Siaun smiles around her cracking and sore lips.
"It pleases me immensely that you can summon the energy to find humour in the topic, Siaun. Stay with her, Nynaeve. I will set the messages in motion. So many people long to help the situation and will be eager for a practical task. We will be tripping over a network that stretches between us and Moiraine within the hour." Lan declares before sweeping from the room.
***
Thom Merrilin needs all his excellent reflexes at this point.
The bard watched as a piece of fairly expensive china smashes against the wall, staining the wallpaper with its contents. The uncharacteristic display of temper does little to soothe Moiraine, and the woman starts to place the confides of the dining hall. The servants know better than disturbing her and staying out of the way. Thom can see the weariness and sadness under the raging fury. He supposes it is a tribute that he gets to know this side of the formidable legend.
"What news has upset you so?" Thom asks gently, wishing he could reach for his pipe.
"She was stable..." Moiraine mutters, casting around for other things to throw.
"In an effect not to insult our hosts. I feel obliged to prevent you from taking your anger out on any priceless heirlooms. They may enjoy my singing and tales but not if they need to replace every dish in the room. I do not carry such an amount of coin on me nodays." Thom moves to intercept her pacing gently.
"Contrary to initial reports, it seems that the battle will claim another victim. Siaun Sanche, of the Blue Ajah is dying slowly and in agony. Nynaeve goes into quiet painstaking detail, more than is advisable for the eyes and ears. I am to make my way to the White Tower without any delay. All other considerations are on hold." Moiraine produces the report like it is a piece of intelligence.
"Oh Moiraine, I am so sorry." Thom feels his heart clench in pain.
"That stubborn, prideful fool..." Moiraine repeats, her voice rising again.
"Somehow, I don't think Siaun is doing such things deliberately, Moiraine. We need to establish more information than how vexed you are at the situation." Thom raises to match her volume but not the emotion behind it.
"There is nothing to discuss; I'm going to the White Tower." Moiraine gives him a suspicious look.
"Well, that goes without saying, but we need to wait at least an hour for the blacksmith to finish with the shoes. Unless you want to trust such a journey to less reputable breeding than your beloved mare? In the meantime, we can discuss what the letter says without destroying things for merely existing. What does Nynaeve suggest?" Thom guides her to the large comfortable chair.
"Very little of actionable value. I have little talent as a healer to understand the specifics, but of all the hundreds of endings available to those who serve the Light this feels impossible to reconcile. I could expend all the Channelling energy still available to me, and it may still be too late. The spark that is her life hangs by such a tenuous thread. As mine did many times. She was meant to be the safe, ruling through the power of the pen, diplomacy and her sharp tongue." Moiraine tries to gather her scattered wits.
"Sadly, if these last years teach us anything, it's that there are no places that the taint of the darkness cannot touch, even the White Tower." Thom agrees gently.
"I am decades a Sister and no longer a scared yet arrogant Novice. Forgive me the occasional slip into naivety?" Moiraine manages the flicker of a smile.
Thom watches sadly as Moiraine turns her gaze on the wind without truly seeing the physical room. The Blue Ajah works to restore her sense of balance in the only way she knows how, with internal discipline and respect for the currents of power. Tears remain on her cheeks, but she does not let them fall. Thom cannot see the winds of soft power, but he can feel them prickle his skin. This summoning is the gentler kind of magic that the Wisdoms in the villages teach.
There was a time when Thom would despise such a practice and all the workings of the Aes Sad. His anger lessons with each passing day. The actions against the male children are unforgivable, but they weren't without purpose. He is content to sit and wait for Moiraine calm to return. The Aes Sadi are working to be more approachable and open in their dealings, losing some of their stigmas. There are places where people cannot follow, including grief.
***
"We must make plans to return to the White Tower. You must be there to do what you can, whatever the eventual outcome."
It takes close to an hour to piece the full story together. Moiraine has been the definition of strength during the Last Battle and everything that came after. However, even such strong people have their limits; a succession of bad news and death strikes at raw nerves. Moiraine is a person who devotes everything is to quest and struggles to accept a world that no longer need such blind devotion. The idea of being away on a relatively trivial mission will be vexing in the extreme.
"Thom, my feelings for Siaun..." Moiraine begins before trailing off and wiping at her eyes angrily.
"Are none of my concern or something you need to rationalise now. I am not as wise as my hair suggests, or Rand and others claimed. However, I have been through enough villages, towns and the occasional palace to know that another's heart isn't something you can possess like a piece of land. Any more than a falconer truly claims the hawk; many hands can treasure a single heart." Thom reflects thoughtfully, trying to give her an encouraging smile.
"In my opinion, you may lay claim to the title of a wise man. Few people have worked harder for their wisdom and grace." Moiraine reaches out and clasps their hands together.
"Such truth from one such as yourself honours me, Lady Moiraine. Besides, I didn't see the world erupt into scandal and outrage when Rand declared his love for three separate women spending the continent?" Thom points out jokingly.
"You and I both know the standards for women, even Aes Sedai of noble birth, are vastly different." Moiraine laughs hollowly with no humour in her voice.
"Be that as it may, my sense of honour and personhood isn't so fragile not to respect that you can do love another. Siaun sacrificed much in this war and deserves comfort, even if her time draws near." Thom insists; his tone is unshakeable.
"Then we must make haste, the roads should be reliable this year, but there is no guarantee." Moiraine agrees briskly.
"Don't forget Moiraine. My opportunities for a conventional life with an equally acceptable companion weren't many, but they did exist. I didn't regret the choice then either. If the nomadic bard learns anything, it's that connection matters. Whatever form that takes is worth preserving, along with good tabaco. I will go and prepare the horses." Thom jokes, offering her a theatrical bow worthy of any jester.
Moiraine offers him a tender smile in return, which is enough.
"If things were different, if we were Blue Ajah with other causes that Siaun Sanche would my conventional and only choice, prohibition or not. We were never particularly good and following rules, much less ones that would keep us from each other." Moiraine whispers into the empty room.
She doesn't care overly much if what remains of Elaida do Avriny a'Roihan's eyes and ears network overhears such a confession and judges her for such sentimental beliefs.
***
They ride through the night.
Moiraine doesn't share the precise details of their journey or the correspondence from the White Tower. The roads are safer than in the years with Rand in hiding, but that is not the same as being safe. Not all bitterness and animosity result from magical prophecy and the manoeuvres of kings, queens and powerful people. Moiraine Damodred is still a recognisable figure. There is often no greater threat than the desperation of hungry people and the length they will go. The only thing that seems to slow Moiraine down is to care for her horse.
"We should rest a while; you will be no use if you arrive in a boneless heap. Our horses are bred for stamina and there are limits, even with magical aides." Thom warns.
"Briefly then, Nynaeve was characteristically blunt in her assessment of the situation." Moraine concedes, running a careful hand down the horse's leg.
Thom obligingly starts to set up the camp while Moiraine spends a brief movement stretching out her aching limbs. She would never admit it, but such long hours in the saddle with no respite take their toll on physical and emotional strength. It gladdens Thom to see her take the rations and water without a word of complaint. He briefly considers striking up other conversation topics but knows such things will do little good. Moiraine confirms his thoughts by sinking gracelessly down onto the sleeping roll.
"How long has the prideful fool being suffering like this?" Moiraine's question is more to herself than any audience
"You think that this illness is more than the fires of the Last Battle? The Black?" Thom asks fearfully.
"I wouldn't put it past the master manipulator to hide sickness since her healing. After all, Nynaeve was going in blind with the reserving the stilling. There is plenty that could go wrong in that process, especially when everything was done under such circumstances." Moiraine muses before accepting another cup of tea.
"I have had my differences with the White Tower over the years, but the sense of duty was never in question. Do you think you are the only one of your Sisters to draw on the life reserves for the cause? The Battle of Two Rivers makes a find balled, but it is hardly unique. Would you not to the same or similar in her place?" Thon challenges gently.
"Perhaps, decades of diplomatic manoeuvring will leave a mark." Moiraine agrees.
"Is there anyone else when need to summon to hold vigil, family?" Thom asks without much hope.
"No, all her connections remain within the tower now, especially with so many lost in the Last Battle. We all knew that our deaths were likely to be solitary and in pursuit of a singular goal. Siaun used to joke about such things when we were idealistic Novices, barely surviving Elaida's version of discipline." Moiraine replies tiredly.
"Then you and your sisters will provide a all the sense of comfort she needs."
***
Lan meets them on the edge of Tar Valon.
Many years and tragedies separate the Blue Ajah and her former Warder, but such things matter little now. Moiraine almost stumbles into the embrace the tall man offers. The height difference is almost comical, but their shoulders' rigid set is not. Lan gestures quickly to the fresh horses without bothering to explain or offer any updates. Thom gratefully accepts a flask of water. They are back on the road, all such experienced travellers within a few minutes. However, none move so lightly anymore.
"You did not need to come all the way to fetch us. The White Tower changes much, rising from the ashes. However, I still know the way to the entrance, without alerting the guards even." Moiraine points out drily.
"Feel free to raise such objections with the woman who I am honoured to call my wife. She needs an outlet after the frustration of not solving the mystery and easing her pain." Lan suggests giving his former charge a warning glare.
"I don't remember you being this relentless when you were my Warder." Moiraine says archly.
"Of course I was; The point difference is that my stubbornness was entirely in your favour at the time." Lan calls back as he moves the stallion in front.
" You raise a fair point, and such steadfastness serves us well on countless occasions. May it do so again for Siaun now, even if such things were over her objections." Moiraine agrees with a soft laugh.
"Like the rest of you, Siiaun Sanche hasn't truly heeded her own needs or desires in the last 20 years. She is out of practice. I'll take the scolding gladly when she regains her strength." Lan replies as they ease back into a canter.
Moiraine Damodred is famously nomadic amongst her sisters, even before the exile. Yet, no matter how far she went in search of the Dragon Reborn, chasing down the Reds often at odds with their efforts, there will always be a tug to White Tower and the sense of home it represents. Many foes lay siege to this place over the decades. Few succeed, even when the coup was from inside. The tension in her shoulders eases slightly when they enter the surrounding lands.
As the beautifully imposing structure comes into view, she can feel the unfamiliar prick of tears. She grieves for the many girls in her Novices and Accepted classes that did not make it or were killed years ago. The sense of reunion will be bittersweet with many unfamiliar faces and ghosts. The sisters who ride out to provide an escort prove the point. They look young, but the ageing of the Aes Sadi is almost always a deceptive and tricky thing to judge. Nevertheless, the shades of Yellow are predictable and strangely comforting given the current circumstances.
"Moiraine-Sadi, By the Light it is good to see you in this lands." one of the senior figures nods respectfully.
Moiraine feels a pang of sympathy for these women, looking at her with such a sense of hope. She may feel old at times, without the reserves of strength from her younger days. This unexpected journey strips away most of her fearsome, story time reputation. However, this small group looks even more exhausted; some may collapse with a stiff breeze. The Yellows all feel the collective responsibility for offering to heal, especially to another sister. Nynaeve will be pushing them hard but not more than their intrinsic duty.
"I will do my best to ease your burdens, take me to Siaun or at least Nynaeve if she is fiercely acting as the gatekeeper for her latest charge." Moiraine instructs sharply.
***
"Prepare yourself. Whatever is affecting Siaun's system is working with brutal efficiency. All our efforts are doing little, she fights still, which gives us hope." Nynaeve's gentle voice is that of a healer.
"Of course she does, Siaun was born fighting. I have tended sickbeds long before you draw breath. There isn't a sickness that can make me flinch, including a desperately unwell, Siaun." Moiraine says crossly without looking at the taller woman.
The halls of the White Tower are achingly familiar yet strange. The mansions are doing their work nobly, and only faintest outward scars remain. It still feels somewhat jarring to know that the 'Rebel Aes Sedai' are now mainstays in halls of power, and of course, the ranks swell from her time as a Novice and Accepted. Still, everyone greets her respectfully, and there doesn't seem to be the endless whispers that usually follow her arrival. Maybe they are mindful of the reason she is here. Her closeness to Siaun is no secret. Naturally, Thom finds a way to entertain the youngest with his inspiring juggling skills. However, he has no desire to be this far in the White Tower. The laugher echoes down the hall and seems at odds with the occasion but also comforting. The Mistress of Novices will scowl at such indulgence, but there is considerable effort to make the tower a less severe place. Nynaeve's instructions pull her from such memories and contemplations.
"Not like this, Moiraine, heed me in this for both your sakes." Nynaeve pulls the older woman to a stop.
"I will take your words under advisement, Sister. Thank you for taking care of her to this point." Moiraine takes a deep and calming breath.
Moiraine feels her limbs suddenly start to weaken. Lan and Nynaeve are at her side instantly, working to hold her in place. Something about being so close to the sickroom and whatever she will find within makes everything seems hauntingly real. Those two make a formidable pair, and she is glad they found each other in the end if anybody deserves happiness in this strange and cursed world, Lan Mandragoran. Moiraine never expected to live this long, much less to the point where she could plan a life without a mission.
"She is awake and lucid, the drafts are having some affect, if that is a small comfort." Lan whispers softly
"Enough energy to scold me for making the journey, no doubt." Moiraine manages the watery smile.
"Lan and I will leave you here, try and get her to eat a little if you can. Her body needs all the nourishment it can get right now, there is a fresh plate by the bed. You have impeccable timing as always, Lady Moraine. Perhaps she will listen to you above me or the Novices." Nynaeve tries to clamp down the flicker of hope.
"I will do my best." Moiraine promises woodenly.
***
"Fish Guts Moiraine, what foolishness brings you here?"
Moiraine Damodred has years of practice as both a noblewoman and Aes Sedai at not letting her emotions show. The idea of losing Siaun and her other friends in the White Tower was a possibility since their first days as Novices. However, nothing and nobody was more important than serving the mission and preparing for the Last Battle. Still, Nynaeve was not overstating the case; if anything, the words were a merciful understatement. The woman in the bed was a youth version of Siaun Sanche, but she more accurately resembles a ghost.
"Our networks saw fit to apprise me of the current situation, even if you did not." Moiraine bites of the words as she shrugs out of her cloak.
"There was no need to waste such a perilous journey, Moiraine. We said our goodbyes long ago and assumed the risks and sacrifice long before that. Our quest is over, the Wheel turns again, and the White Tower is in good, perhaps the best hands. Perhaps it is vain of me, but I want your memories of Siaun Sanche to remain untouched by such decay?" Siaun manages a weak smile.
"No, but you know me well enough to calculate your odds of success in that gambit. Any version of you is better than the wisp of memory." Moiraine reaches and grasps their hands together.
"Your words are true enough." Siaun agrees, her tone unreadable.
"I am sorry to hear about Gareth. He served the White Tower and you with great honour." Moiraine feels the need to acknowledge the absence in the room.
"He was foolish, but better to die in battle than this terrible wasting. Can you imagine me a convincing wife, Moiraine? I would have liked the chance to try." Siaun is too weak to wipe away a tear.
"I believe that those who claim that you wouldn't be fit for such a role underestimate you as always, Siaun." Moiraine says the words with absolute tenderness.
Moiraine lets out a small thread of power around the food on the side table, instructing it to stay warm and fresh. There is no sense in trying to get Siaun to eat now, not with her mind racing, her appetite always fickle thing long before she lost two Warders, a lover and her position in relatively quick succession. So instead, Moiraine moves carefully and lies down in the space next to Siaun. Her tall frame is far too thin, and Moiraine dares not move to embrace her for fear of causing more pain. Still, there is comfort in being this close and watching each exhausting inhale and exhale. The feeling of Siaun's life force and spark are strange against Moiraine's sense, both natural and magic. Something is unravelling all the healing, as quickly as it is put in place.
"What was it like when you sacrificed yourself, died in all but name? Curse it all, Moiraine, in the end, I am afraid. The bravery of an intelligent girl and arrogant channeler fades in the mist. All the religions of my youth are lost to me. Siaun barely manages above a whisper.
"Wild power, terror and determination obscure all but vaguest impression. Besides, I do not accept your original premise, not with the collective might of the White Tower and allies searching for the answers." Moiraine rearranges them gently so she can face Siaun fully.
"I suppose it is fitting at the end that we break the rules one final time, a former Amyrlin Seat, claiming a few moments of life and love. Not that the old orders that kept us apart for so long matter so much now. Will you kiss me, even if I resemble and smell like trolloc guts?" Siaun asks, her voice thick with emotion and tears.
"No, I will not because I steadfastly refuse to entertain the idea of some noble and overly dramatic parting gesture, like a bard at a second rate inn. There is life in you yet, Siaun Sanche, you forget how well I know the scent of Trolloc; the two situations are incomparable." Moiraine doesn't bother to hide her tears.
"Then will you stay with me while I sleep or at least the approximation that is left to me?" Siaun whispers back.
"Always."
In direct contradiction to her previous words, Moiraine offers a gentle kiss against her sweaty and distressingly hot skin before settling down to watch her dearest friend attempt or feign sleep; it didn't matter which. It is long moments before she allows herself to cry in earnest, one of the first lessons aspiring sisters learn is how to let tears fall without making a sound. It was to conceal weakness then and now. Being at Siaun Sanche side is still an incredible honour, even after so long. Of the two of them, it is no secret that Siaun was always the natural leader, but Moiraine will take on the role to lead her out of the dark.
***
"Siaun Sanche is not going to die, at least not in such a way."
Moiraine Damodred has no particular affinity for the titles of her birth. Once she became one of the Aes Sedai, very little else matters. Her relatives were more than happy to lay out the battle lines for the Sun Throne. However, she is grateful for the extensive training in the art of commanding a room if there is no other choice. She may want to cry in the corner over her friend's fate, but such actions will serve nobody. Much of her fearsome reputation relies on doing impossible things; why not add one more to the list?
"There is nothing to be done, Moiraine. My reversal of Stilling was experimental and took too much of her life force to accomplish; at least, that is our working theory. Her body is resistant to all attempts because it no longer recognises the force or patterns." Nynaeve looks caught between angry and distraught.
"Well find a way to bend the laws of time, space and the tower again. We have a brilliant Amalyn in power with no training, surely one feet of healing isn't beyond us all." Moiraine asks the room collectively.
"Moiraine..." Lan warns, his voice steely.
"Do you think I like this? The Yellows are tearing the library apart as we speak. The Keeper of the Chronicles is drawing on every scrap of knowledge they can find. Mother is summoning everyone with a hint on healing channelling back here. Sometimes all the will in the world isn't enough." Nynaeve sounds heartsick but resolute.
"Well, it's a good thing you now have a Blue to balance the scales of this injustice. If nothing else, I will find a way to ease her pain as she did my so many times." Moiraine vows, her voice steady.
"You Blue genuinely believe you can untangle all the injustices in the world and set them to the right again. The arrogance is almost admirable. I am sure you won't seek permission but you are welcome to tear the place to its foundations again. We believe that it is something only effective on Siaun, but the possibility of a taint in the challenging remains on the horizon." Nynaeve waves hands in frustrated surrender.
"Then we will work to eliminate both possibilities."
The Lady Moiraine Damodred looks every inch the person who spend days travelling and hours at a friend's death bed. Her pale features look almost ghostly in this light. Still, few would be foolish enough to challenge Moiraine Damodredˆ at that moment, even death.
Chapter 2: Summoning The Light
Notes:
Happy Christmas Eve Everyone - have a save and restful time
I am still dyslexic; please be gentle with your comments
Chapter Text
- To speak no word that is not true
- To make no weapon with which one man may kill another
- Never to use the One Power as a weapon except against Darkfriends or Shadowspawn, or in the last extreme defense of her life, the life of her Warder, or another Aes Sedai
The Vows of the Accepted Aes Sedai
Moiraine Damodred's legendary control rarely wavers anymore.
Before coming to the White Tower as a prospective sister, expectations were high that she maintained decorum. During her girlhood, the Sun Throne was beset by gossips who couldn't believe her scholarly, eccentric father would look for the same in a wife. Naturally enough, therefore, their daughters were implicitly taught to avoid adding fuel to that particular fire. Moiraine may spend most of her life on the road, but that doesn't mean she can't play Daes Dae'mar with ease.
The trouble and adventures that Siuan finds rarely results in a true loss of control. Much to the Mistress of Novice's amazement and Elaida disgust. There are those amongst her contemporaries who remember when that discipline snaps. One of the main entrance halls is far from the best place for such an interaction, but the audience resists to senior sisters and their warders.
"For all the Blue's talk about justice, at us, Reds know the value of a quick, merciful death. After the Stilling, what value was Siuan-Sedai barely able to make a flame flare like an incompetent Novice? Rotting likes the fish her father tended. The resources..."
It isn't easy to describe what happens next with any accuracy. One minute the two Reds are talking in the back of the room; then, they are hanging in midair. As the Reds are the ones to invent such punishments, they are wise enough to go instantly still and observe with some detachment as Moiraine sweeps down the suddenly clear path, all other conversations halting. Nevertheless, that instinctive charge in the air from uncontrolled challenging has everybody on edge.
"Now that there is no need for your primary sport is no longer, is this what the once proud Red Ajah has become, gossips who dare to disrespect one of their greatest champions. If I see any of you near...." Moiraine begins her voice deadly calm.
As always, it isn't entirely certain which of the two parties had violated the Vows in this circumstance. However, most can see an exceedingly rare loss of control on the veteran Blue. Frankly, some of the newest sisters will find the prospect of such a slip terrifying and fascinating at the same time. Moiraine Damodred is famous for being in the 'wild' outside the tower and has a reputation for having unconventional channelling and casting. However, seeing such action in the flesh is rare, especially with the White Tower rebuilding its harmony.
"Moiraine-Sedai! Regain your senses! This meeting is not the time or the place for such displays, barely above that of an over-eager Accepted. Nor is it your place to deal with such disrespect." Leane's voice cracked throughout the hall.
Few could hold such sway over Moiraine, but Leane is one of the few exceptions. The tall thin woman is advancing on Moiraine and looks ready to physically tackle her on the point if needed as if she truly was an unwieldy novice. Moiraine feels a flush of embarrassment but dutifully lets the weave go; the girls crash to the floor, landing in an ungainly heap, which isn't overly satisfying.
"Let the record reflect that the Yellow Ajah have domain over the healing that our sisters and any others receive. We will not have life and the Spark treated in a dismissive way, not after so many sacrifices. If you wish a debate on the topic, then make a formal petition. You WILL lose, and it would be enjoyable to dismantle such foolishness." Suana Dragand calls from the other side of the time room.
Moiraine Damodred is not the type to yield to anyone easily, and it's a trait that only grew with her power. The outburst was poor taste and will solidify her reputation with particular factions. Nevertheless, she does not regret defending either her beloved friend or the sanctity of Aes dai life when there was a chance to save one of their greatest diplomats and leaders. Nobody is foolish enough to stop Moiraine when she sweeps from the room. Leane sounds like she is using the moment to impart a few lectures.
***
"Moiraine's Bard, Do you know any of the classics from the Tear, or do you reserve yourself for the courtly splendour?" Siuan crocks between dry lips.
"The court songs are profitable enough but get repetitive after an awhile, Siuan-Sedai. Do you have any requests? My memory is not as sharp as it once was, but I'm happy to brush out the cobwebs." Thom, before reaching to pick up his portable harp.
Thom does his best to avoid the inner workings of the White Tower and the sisters he has ambivalent feelings about, still paying his respects to Siaun, while Moiraine works to save her feels like a small thing. Besides, the healing room is a peaceful place, with only the Yellows of various ranks, Nynaeve and Moiraine as the gatekeepers. The youngest have lessons most days to his role as entertainment leave long stretches free.
"My youngest uncle was found of a particular song. So I find myself humming this specific melody, sentimental to the last, I think." Siuan takes a sip of water before starting to hum brokenly.
"Ah, one of the old favourites for the fishermen one they come home from sea. I know the one, rest now, Siuan-Sedai." Thom says gently.
Siuan Sanche wants to protest that she doesn't need a bedtime lullaby, but the music is strangely soothing. It has been at least a decade since she was able to sit and enjoy music for its own sake. Thom keeps the volume low and doesn't sing, but his steady hands strum the notes from memory. Siuan rolls on her side, moving further down in the covers. Her body still struggles to decide whether it is hot or cold at this point; the sounds are lovely.
"Well, it's nice to hear such happy music this evening; it is time for your medicine, Siuan. Perhaps you will take it without fuss on account of your visitor." Nynaeve calls softly from the doorway.
"I wouldn't count on it." Siuan manages to crack a smile.
"I was trying on optimism for size. Do you think it suits me?" Nynaeve asks, her tone somewhere between laughter and seriousness.
"Not in the slightest. You do realise that salves and mixtures will do little when it is my connection to the One Power that is failing and taking me life force with it?" Siuan points out while her teeth chatter.
"That is our working theory no more. Your body still needs tending."
No matter how far down the path Nynaeve al'Mara gets from the Two Rivers, a part of her will always be a village Wisdom, willing to tend to the most stubborn patients. Siuan is quite sure forcing feeding a Blue sister is not high on her list of priorities or desires, but she visits at least one day or every second if things are busy. Siuan is sure she has had more visits in the last weeks than most of her tenure as the Amalyn Seat put together.
"It may amuse you to know the halls of the White Tower were trembling with the force of Moirane's rage. Two Reds were foolish enough to express views in her hearing. Few will be stupid enough to take that chance again. At least I cannot claim the ranking of the least diplomatic sister amongst the current ranks anymore." Nynaeve holds out a spoon full of broth.
"Not even close. The rest of us merely hide such impulses better. Moiraine will feel better for the little disagreement. Perhaps a lesson in Daes Dae'mar might be worthwhile." Siuan feels her eyes close sleepily.
"Who do you think invented the game in the first place? At least the newer generation is more direct." Thom starts to put his harp away.
Siuan falls into a restless sleep. These moments of connection and lucidity become more draining with each day. Still, Siuan Sanche is stubborn enough to fight for the link to the living even if she believes death will claim her in the end. Nynaeve and Thom exchange sad looks, both more than familiar with sickness that lay waste to the body. Power is waging an entirely different war. Thom picks up his instrumental again and starts to play the same tune.
***
There is no great healing, but Siuan lives to count for something if little.
Nynaeve al'Meara is characteristically modest and practical about her efforts. The Yellows are doing everything possible to keep Siuan stable, the weavings may be failing at the fundamental task, but they are trying to stop the wasting. Moiraine does her best not to interrogate the healers about what they are doing, merely listening as they talk about the latest developments.
"What is the closest approximation to this sickness you have seen, what to the records say?" Moiraine asks before turning to the keeper.
"Nothing of a value. The weaving that Nyaeve and others put together was unconventional; there is nothing that is comparable, except possibly the early efforts to ease the taint, when the One Power would respond in such unpredictable ways." Leane lets out a weary sigh as she waves at the piles of books.
"From a Challenging perspective, pain should be a relatively easy thing to solve, stop the progression and take away the sensation from the body in question." Moiraine starts pacing the room while thinking out loud.
"Thank you for being so caviller about a skill you do not understand, Moiraine." Nynaeve says dryly.
"The fact that everything we try is failing should be information in and out itself. Immunity to healing should not be physiologically possible, not now. What was so different about what you did, Nynaeve? Why are the weaves failing now?" Moiraine asks, moving over to one of the boards to start writing.
"Because most of us were on the battlefield facing impossible odds and pushing ourselves beyond all limits, not to mention the strain of losing two warders. You may not want to admit this out loud, but Siaun was in a much weaker position and then was a lynchpin of an impossible task. Healing can't rebuild everything, Moiraine, only assist a natural process." somebody offers.
"We can't teach a heart to beat, merely strengthen a rhythm that already exists." Nynaeve expands the concept.
"Of course, Siuan defies all expectations and odds in this domain too, way to make the unpredictable mystery seem like an extension of character." Moiraine muses almost to herself.
***
"How is that you manage to get more beautiful for every intervening decade? I've always found that curious when so many in the Sun Place fear age like it's the Dark One itself." Siuan asks, obliging, taking another small bite.
"Ah, but you never did perceive beauty in the same way as the rest of the world. My sisters and cousins would not hesitate to correct you on that particular score; my features are entirely too plain and muscular. So I threw away the gifts that the Damodred line gave me." Moiraine parrots the words set to her over the years.
"Fools the lot of them. I'm not too fond of the unexpected youth that Nynaeve's meddling gave me most of the time. I worked hard for every single one of those scars and calluses that time gave me, much less the ink." Siuan sighs, leaning against the pillows.
"You will have the chance to rebuild your flaws, Dearest." Moiraine encourages with a fleeting smile.
"If Moiraine Domadraid's will were the only deciding factor, The Dark One and the subsequent powers would have banished long ago, without the need for so much loss and pain. I have spent more time with you in the last fortnight than the previous decade put together. I am sentimental enough to believe that is the greater gift than whatever law of the known world you are trying to bend." Siaun huffs softly, gesturing for her to come closer.
" There is no reason I cannot get to both. Mother has relieved me of all duties by this one. You may be sick of the sight of me before long." Moiraine replies before taking her customary place at the beside.
"Doubtful. I doubt that is what Mother was aiming for with that message. Or else she is a fool to waste such a talent as yours. That woman is many things but foolish doesn't even make the top 100 attributes."
"Hush, I will hear no more about the allocation of my resources." Moiraine places her fingers against Siuan's lips.
"Is there another topic you wish to discuss in a handful of collective minutes that I manage to remain conscious enough to choke down Nynaeve's concoctions?" Siuan whispers as Moiraine cups her cheek.
"Wherever your memories or inclinations want to take us. There is no demand of the Pattern, pulling me to the far corners of the globe or pretext to maintain. The White Tower will be my home for the foreseeable future; give me the details that we thought so trivial in searching for the Dragon Reborn?" Moiraine asks quietly.
"Did such a time ever exist for us, Lady Moiraine, The upstart Amyrlin Seat and devoted Exile?" Siuan asks, searching that familiar pale face.
"No, but tell me about these anyway?" Moiraine asks, trailing her fingers down the outline of the tattoo on her shoulder.
***
Moiraine hates their new routine, but they fall into it anyway.
Ever since her little performance in the reception room, one or another senior sister of all colours shadow her, theoretically to help, but mainly to keep an eye on her. Thankfully Nyaeve is sensible enough not to promote a clash between Red and Blues. The current faction of the Reds does the best to avoid scandal. Thankfully most of her 'assistants' seem almost as eager to hunt for a solution. Nobody complains about the long hours.
"Lighthouses!" Moiraine exclaims as she jumps out from the desk.
"Moiraine-Sedai?" the Yellow sister asks uncertainly, giving her a vaguely fearful look.
"Siuan loves to tell me stories about her time in a fishing village, mainly to mock my privilege, but there were so many times when the lighthouse keeper saves the day. Unfortunately, Siuan's body cannot sense or recognise the Light anymore. Therefore, we need to remind her that the weave can build itself around." Moiraine feels her voice raise with excitement.
"Like a stone, mason needs framing to support a building?" the Yellow asks, catching on to the idea almost immediately.
"Yes, only in the indefinable way that the One Power interacts with us, we need to teach Siaun's body and the power to recognise each other again, a more complete, systematic and total version of what is now done to reverse Stilling?" Moiraine explains, picking up her pace, forcing the younger woman to run.
"How about we are going to do that?" the question is tremulous but hopeful.
"Be the brightest light, of course."
Moiraine wonders if she says the words out loud enough if it would start to feel true.
***
"You are on a fool's errand, Moiraine Damodred. Don't you know there are no miracles left after doing everything for the Last Battle? You can't make another human being into the guide. " Siuan offers between coughs.
"My time is mine to do with as I see fit, has been that way for close to five months now, which is still a novel feeling," Moiraine instructs while holding up a cup of water.
"Moiraine..." Siaun starts again
"I am fluent in two languages and have passable skills in three more; if you want to keep up this debate, I'm happy to continue the topic." Moiraine raises an eyebrow, challenging.
"Prideful fool..." Siuan cannot keep the fondness from her voice.
Strangely, for somebody working impossibly hard to provide healing, Moiraine isn't spending every moment with her charge. Siuan is losing track of time, but her fellow Blue Ajah tends to keep her visits to the pre-dawn and late evening hours. There is almost always a tome or parchment in her hand that she is frowning over. The lines around her eyes and month are becoming deeper and more pronounced by the day.
Siuan wants to tell her that she would far rather prefer her company. But, the is no sense in arguing. They are still in something of a falling out after the 'resources' conversation. Siuan doesn't sleep well anymore, but it seems like her oldest friend is keeping similar hours. These visits are tense, but she wouldn't trade them for the world. Moiraine Damodred was always fleeting in her visits before; now, she has the luxury of sitting with her without interruptions.
"Can you help me to the baths, Moiraine? It may take a geological age to get there, but sponges can only do so much. My energy is elusive, but enough to get the grime from my hair. I have enough pride not to resemble the street urchin that many accuse me of being without the robes of the Amalyn.
"Of course."
Siuan Sanche was a strong fisherman's daughter at one point in her life. She came to the White Tower at a young age, but that doesn't mean she didn't do her fair sure of manual labour. She reminds herself of this fact as she wills her legs to take her weight and the room to stop spinning. Moiraine braces her hips and waist, getting ready to catch her friend if she sways backwards. Siuan stands to stand up by degrees leaning against Moiraine heavily. Moiraine whispers encouragement like they are terrified girls again.
***
Forty-Seven Steps.
Siuan Sanche is a creature of the White Tower and knows the place better than most; even when her power was reduced, and the building was close to crumbling, you could still feel the connection. However, the halls felt impossibly long and large when she tried to shuffle the forty-seven steps to the private bathing chambers. Moiraine is patient and stops every time she needs to rest, whispering words of encouragement and tenderness. Thankfully, there is no curious sisters or Accepted in the corridors.
"Enough of this, Siuan." Moiraine whispers
Before the other woman can query or protest, Moiraine gently and slowly sweeps Siuan into her arms. She braces for a weight that isn't there. The scene is almost comical with their height differences, but Siuan sinks into the touch without argument. This woman's sound, smell, and feel are always comforting no matter how many years of ideological opinions separate them.
"Now this brings back found memories." Moiraine says while shrugging out of her robe.
Moiraine settles the temperature and guides her down the steps, smiling encouragingly. Siuan tries not to finch, but she is just enough strength to feel self-conscious about the wreck her body has become; this is nothing like those joyous, carefree times as Novices when they were learning about bodies, attraction and desire. Moiraine somehow still looks like a princess from the fairy tales.
"Lay back, Siuan, let me take care of you." Moiraine encourages Siaun onto her back, keeping a secure grip.
"I was wrong; dying anonymously in the battlefield may have been a more reasonable reality, but there are worse fates than this, maybe we found our time after all, at least a little." Siuan relaxes as Moiraine runs skilled hands through the mess that is her hair.
"That's the steam and working out those knots in your body. We will do this regularly, even if I have to challenge a bath in your room." Moiraine weaves little magic in the water to keep them floating.
"At least now I will smell slightly better than the tollac guts and decay. Maybe that can earn me that kiss we talked about, in recognition of such found memories after all." Siaun rolls her eyes to see Moiraine working on her hair.
"You aren't well enough yet." Moiraine declares, reaching for another bottle of oil.
"For a kiss? I'll have you know the intervening years between your visits weren't entirely monastic, none like you, Lady Moiraine, but I think this frail body can withstand such a storm." Siuan snorts softly.
"Well enough to believe that it isn't a fleeting gesture of farewell." Moiraine is firm in her conviction as she kneads bony shoulders softly.
"Superstitious Fool, don't stop that, please."
Moiraine has no intention of doing that, but it takes her a second to realise that Siuan is falling asleep. Luckily there is no particular wheeze in her chest tonight, but it will return soon enough. So, more for her sake than the patient. Moiraine continues to tend to her, trying to erase the physical marks of the illness. There is comfort in listening to the inhales and exhales in the otherwise silent chamber.
***
Siuan Sanche regains enough strength to walk around the garden; it's a small victory.
Moiraine Damodred is far from a natural caretaker; she was never considered a Yellow. Still, the many weeks and years of searching and caring for folks on the road led to Two Rivers did not pass without learning a few things. Lan was an unconventional warder for an equally usual sister, but he did his best to keep her well and safe. Moiraine finds herself applying some of the same principles.
"The White Tower is beautiful, but there is no substitute for nature. Perhaps Nynaeve and her Wisdoms were right about the value of listening to the winds." Siuan leans her face up to the sun, trying to catch the afternoon rays.
"Our ancestors were too hasty in dismissing the talents that came from such places. Let us hope that the next generation will do better by the spark and the Light. The White Tower will be stronger for having such diversity." Moiraine agrees, keeping her arm firmly around Siuan waist.
"Tell of something new and good in the world, Moiraine. I am sick of every conversation revolving around how I am feeling and watching my every movement for a sign of decay." Siuan instructs as they start moving gently.
"Well then, Lan has never been happier, even if Nynaeve will keep him on his toes for the rest of their natural lives. The Browns are enjoying their field trips." Moiraine begins keeping her voice.
"I'm sick, Moiraine, not suddenly devoid of senses. Anybody alive can see that Lan is besotted so that only a secret romantic can claim. Naturally, the Browns will seek any excuse for further knowledge, of any kind, but especially now. What is good in the world that is not yet known? What are your whispers bringing back to you?" Siuan asks, leaning more heavily on her arm.
"We are managing to coax some of our most ardent sceptics amongst the mountain folk; the old blood runs true, in the best ways. Perhaps they won't make full sisters, but powerful Wisdoms, a worthy fate. The Yellows will have a boon, I suspect." Moiraine reflects thoughtfully.
"Will you stay and teach the latest intake?" Siuan asks quietly.
"Perhaps, I think we will need to reimagine our roles in the light of the new future." Moiraine reflects as she encourages them back to the room.
"Good, The White Tower will be better for having your knowledge at more frequent intervals." Siaun leans heavily against the steady and warm presence.
Moiraine Damodred is proudly self-reliant; she knew for decades that her duty would be largely solitary, a worthy sacrifice. There were entire years where she wouldn't interact with any of her sisters, beyond passing things through the intelligence network. However, since the Last Battle, Moiraine realises how much she relies on the persistent presence of Lan, Siuan and many of her age mates. However, there is a different honour in being such a caretaker in a time of need without other strategies competing for attention.
***
Moiraine Damodred is going to assume all the risks.
Nynaeve al'Meara is the definition of an experimental Aes Sadi. It does awe-inspiring weaves in the healing service, but even she struggles to see how this work is possible. But, it doesn't help that Moiraine needs to explain the concept rather than take accountability later. Nobody seems willing to take such a risk when not in the heat of battle, betrayal, or terror. Still, Nynaeve doesn't hesitate to access a spare room in the teaching wing. Nobody leaves her alone, even for the small gesture.
"You don't need to watch over me like a hawk. Your responsibilities are many, and I am not seeking anything active with the Power at this stage. Merely testing the waters, an action not that different from when we were training as school girls." Moiraine gives the Yellow a searching look.
The White Tower is calm and follows familiar, comforting routines that pass down through the generations. Although Moiraine knows that there are good reasons that her sisters now avoid risk, that doesn't mean she won't try now. There is a universality with Challenging the One Power, the feeling of summoning that inherent connection. However, there is a difference depending on the location. The geography of the land influences the summoning within rusticness of the Two Rivers or the roots of her birthplace. Moiraine feels her heart tremble along with her hands when gathering power in the White Tower. This weave is only a practice, but the need is still there.
"You are not the lone heroine of the story now, Moiraine, carrying the burdens of life without support. You are attempting healing; therefore, a Yellow's presence is only logical. I am the logical choice, having witnessed your actions. Besides, the last thing when needed is for you to end up on a sickbed next to Siaun." Nynaeve doesn't move from her position against the wall.
"As you wish." Moiraine agrees before sinking into the power.
The sensation is almost as intoxicating as it was the first time as Novices and Accepted. Still, there is a subtle difference in wielding this power after the Last Battle. There is a cleanness and lightness to the force missing since the first confrontation between the Dark and Light. But then, it was easy enough to sense the presence of the other sisters, Nynaeve, loud and bright. Moiraine gently pushes them away, floating away to try and find one particular light. Siuan's presence was almost as familiar as Moiraine's heartbeat.
"Siuan I am here. Will you come?" Moiraine sends the thought up to void, not expecting a response.
"Moiraine...what are you doing here? Why is everything so dark? Did we anger Eliadia again? First guts if only we were able to take the test early. She wouldn't torment us with such ease that I promise you.
The presence she finds in this plane is almost dizzyingly inconsistent, complete with flashes of brightness and shadows. The clumsiest of Novices wouldn't have been able to make such a mess of things. So instead, Moiraine hangs back, merely observing. She does this primarily because she swore faithfully to the other sisters and because her friend's magic seems rather like a frightened animal that would bolt at the earliest opportunity. Nevertheless, Moiraine feels her body call, knowing that she cannot stay here forever.
Moiraine feels her body surge like she is underwater and struck by lightning at the same time. Then, the power settles around her without too much disruption. Nyaeve is looming over her, looking every inch at the concerned Yellow healer, worrying over a charge. The two women take several long moments to gaze at each other, waiting for Moiraine's body to settle.
"Stay there for a few moments; you are taking a draft of energy herbs before getting up, no arguments." Nyaeye holds out the aromatic brew with a blank look.
"Siaun is so sick, Nynaeye. I can barely touch her presence without getting the kickback. It's going to be harder to put up the lighthouse for her. I don't know why I thought things would be a simple or straightforwarrd." Moiraine groans as she leans further against the wall.
"Because you are a romantic Blue, who thinks the world will bend to their will, even death. Still, you are making some progress. Don't you dare try and engage in any meaningful way; we don't know enough yet." Nynaeve warns, taking the seat beside her.
"Thank you for being such a steadfast ally, our differences are many, but I am genuinely thankful to have amongst the ranks of Aes Sedai." Moiraine says wearily.
Chapter 3: Summoning Healing
Notes:
Thanks to J for the excellent editing and support.
All remaining mistakes are mine :--)
It's been a heck of a week, returning to fandom happy place.
I don't know who else dies in canon book wise (I was there for 'pillow friends' -grrr insulting term.
Let me know if I need to put anything else up in tags.
Chapter Text
"Small things were important. Seconds were small things, and if you heaped enough of those on top of one another, they became a man's life."
The Narrator, Ch. 46, 'Towers of Midnight', 2010
"I am aware that we are theoretically in peacetime, but I would have thought there would be better uses for one of the Green Ajah's strongest channelers."
Alanna Mosvani spares the comment a brittle laugh but doesn't reply as she enters the room Moiraine designates her study. The space lives up to the name with stacks of papers, books and drawings on several boards. The taller sister moves carefully around the piles, acknowledging the work and her still-healing body. Moiraine resists the urge to offer assistance. If anybody is less likely to accept the help than Siuan, it's the warrior who is still sensitive about her weakness. There are many of her favourites foods on the plate.
"The collective memory isn't so poor that people don't remember you throwing two powerful sisters across the room. On the other hand, I am old enough to remember both the woman beneath the reputation and how you prefer your honey cakes." Alanna shrugs as she drags over the nearest chair.
"I don't regret it." Moiraine says before reaching for a fig.
"They would still be putting their bones back together if it was within my hearing. Besides, you will be doing me a favour. Everyone is treating me as if I'm the only one to lose a warder nobly in battle." Alanna sighs, giving her friend a weary look.
"You don't resent me, my friend? For giving such singular attention to one person?" Moiraine asks with genuine concern.
" You were born with a singular focus. Resent you for what, not single-handedly figuring out of a way to see and save every single person of The Tower? You are powerful, Moiraine Damodred, but you remain a mere mortal to the best of my knowledge." Alanna bumps her shoulder teasingly.
Moraine cannot help but laugh at the truth in the statement.
***
Step One: Providing an Anchor Point
The problem with experimental weaves is they are hard to replicate.
"At the moment we are trying to cast the healing weaves like a fisherman looking for a catch at night, in foreign waters," Moiraine explains to her small audience.
"A most appropriate metaphor for our current patient." The First Weaver gives her an encouraging smile.
Moiraine Damodred didn't follow her parents into scholarship, nor did she have the temperament to be a Brown Sister. Still, she has many fundamental skills, breaking down the problem into parts. Siuan's suffering is unusual in its intensity. However, problems with the Light and manifestations of such are not. The foundation of the Dark Friends and others was the taint in power. A previous historical examples for fixing these problems and they now even have the luxury of few competing disasters.
"To extend the metaphor, perhaps beyond its limits, I want to create a lighthouse that will give her power something to focus on, which should, in turn, allow her body to respond to the healing weaves. It's not that different from what is achieved with other bindings." Moiraine doesn't feel like a natural teacher.
"Why does it need to be you, Moiraine? You are brilliant, but we have equally talented people in our ranks." Nynaeve asks, her brows coming together in confusion.
"That is undoubtedly true, but this is my experiment and therefore my risk. I am running the calculations and it would be difficult to explain something I am doing largely on instinct. As you say, I have both the power and knowledge. Thus it is logical." Moiraine argues her points quickly.
"Then you will not be doing this alone in the middle of the night; let us support you, Moiraine. Those are my conditions, even if I need to have an Accepted shadow your every move. I know all your escape routes." Nynaeve stands imperiously.
"No, you don't, Nynaeve, but I take your original point. I am grateful for the support." Moiraine reaches out to formalise the arrangement with a handshake.
***
Step Two: Building A Foundation
Today is not a good day.
"I do so love being an experiment for a stubborn sister with pretty eyes." Siuan cracks out sarcastically.
"If it were in my power, I would summon the rain; you always did find the sound of water soothing. We are making progress." Moiraine reaches for another water flask.
"Don't be sentimental. The thunderstorms were no friend to the people of Tear. But I did enjoy our nights together, listening to the rain." Siuan confesses before turning her head away.
Moiraine winces when she hears another cough. Some mornings it's almost possible to forget how sick Siuan is, not often anymore. Nynaeve insists that Moiraine cannot attempt her experimental healing until Siuan is the new version of well and her body doesn't seem in active revolt. Still, the Blue Sister doesn't feel confident in her technique. At the moment she is practising weaves in the room, trying to see how the magic sits in the air.
"The Last Battle is over and the One Power finds balance once more; I think a little sentimentality is what the times call for, Siuan." Moiraine disagrees gently.
"No wonder you and Lan get along so well; you both have a romantic streak under all that duty and devotion to a higher calling. Talk to me about something that doesn't revolve around my bodily functions or pounding headache." Siuan commands, turning to face her companion fully.
"Well now that you have eliminated my best material, I guess I should start by telling you about the fireworks at the night fair yesterday and how your favourite Novice is likely to choose Blue after all." Moiraine relaxes back into the chair.
"I don't have...."
Siuan is asleep before finishing the sentence.
***
Step Three: Marshalling The Light
"You want to be a Warder, only in a more drastic way." Nynaeve sounds both impressed and horrified.
"More like a bridge or beacon to attract and focus the Light. I shouldn't need to enact such an intimate bond with Siuan herself, merely her magic. I will leave it to our Brown and Yellow Sisters to come up with an appropriate metaphor or two." Moiraine disagrees before reaching for another garb.
"Such a weaving could work, presenting a way to extend the original work I cast to reconnect her with the source in the first place. The unknowable factor is if such a concept holds in the long term. Will your respective strengths serve to weaken each other?" Nynaeve is horrified as a friend and intrigued as an academic.
"Then we will deal with that situation when it occurs. If Siuan's wounds were manifested in the flesh, it would be the equivalent of the wasting sickness with gangrenous limbs. Therefore, we must address the immediate problem first and face the consequences when they arrive." Moiraine argues softly.
"You were bonded to a Warder once; you know that it is no small undertaking. But are you prepared for such emotional complexity? It's unlikely that the effects are reversible. You may not be such a nomad when you have responsibilities here." Nynaeve presses the issue harder.
"I am prepared to consider that possibility. But, fortunately, the world no longer requires me to cross the continents regularly. There is no other way to ease Siuan's suffering, you said as much yourself." Moiraine reminds her with a sad smile.
"Yes, I did." Nynaeve agrees, scowling at the thought.
"There may be a way for us to support Moiraine Sedai, so she isn't taking the entire weight of the weave, only the finer details. What she is considering will take tremendous power, but it won't be a singular event. We have some flexibility..." Lilianna, a Brown Sister, gets up itching to show case her idea.
The next hour flies by with each person contributing ideas and specialities to the room. Several Novices and Accepted come in to offer refreshments, but Moiraine barely noticed the discrete intrusion. Instead, her attention stays on the equation that is taking shape. She spent so many years as the only Aes Sedai in any room or town that it's easy to forget what it is like to collaborate with those equally knowledgeable.
***
Step Four: Providing A Bridge
Moiraine Damodred lost her fear of death years ago. Still she fears failure.
"Moiraine Sedai, you are asking us to risk much on your uncertain remedy. During the Last Battle, our losses were incalculable in terms of numbers and talent. The White Tower cannot afford to lose you to your idealism a second time." The Amyrlin Seat lets her voice ring in the hall.
"Yes Mother, I am aware of the burden. Unfortunately, the affliction of Siuan Sedai is likely the first of many if the experimental weaves fail. There were many efforts in the field to save our numbers. However, I am confident in my calculations and the able assistance of our best minds."
"The Damodreds have a reputation for scholarship but not in this area, Daughter." the other woman insists sharply.
"The same can be said for many of our efforts in the last few years. The White Tower has become a symbol of change and finding innovative ways to channel this power is both a gift and a burden. Entirely new Ajahs may find their colours and purpose. I am asking for your leave to practice this new knowledge, with the considerable weight of the Yellows skill behind me." Moiraine stands up straighter in the challenge.
"You concur with this decision, even though the Yellows faced perhaps the most loses in your ranks?" The Amyrlin Seat turns her attention away for a brief second.
"We do, Mother. If Moiraine Sedai's technique is successful the Yellow Ajah will have new techniques to heal our weakest and sickest members." The First Channeler agrees softly.
"And if she fails?"
"Then we have ways to make Siuan Sanche and the others comfortable to ease their passing. Moiraine is the logical choice to attempt such a feat; it wouldn't be the first or last time she defies expectations." The reply holds absolute conviction.
***
Step Five: Bridging The Moments
Moiraine Damodred stays in the sick room.
Unfortunately, there will be no good time for the healers to appear. Siuan weakens by the day and finds it harder to rally each time. Moiraine is confident in her calculations, insomuch as it won't harm Siuan further. However, she wants to test the tentative connection they are building together. There is agreement amongst Nynaeve and their supporters that the intervention needs to happen in the next week. Moiraine feels a sudden intense longing for her father, who loved nothing more than an impossible problem.
"I am sorry that you are spending so much in the nest of vipers; I know you find Tower politics frustrating and more than a little amoral." Moiraine gives Thom a weary look.
They are walking around the extensive gardens. Moiraine wants to stretch her legs in case the summoning takes longer than anticipated. Thom becomes an unofficial warder of the Novices, but manages to extract himself from their pleas for more songs. The evening is fine, and Moiraine hopes that the dawn is something like a good omen. Teams of sisters are on standby to intervene if anything goes wrong, but ultimately the responsibility will lie with Moraine.
"Time softens my stance on many things. Besides, this will have the beginnings of an excellent song. The mysterious White Tower is always a safe bet with taverns in the furthermost corners of this land. I am not foolish enough to ask if you are ready; how are the nerves?" Thom asks with a teasing smile.
"Haven't been this bad since I was waiting to take my vows but such an undertaking warrants such feelings. My hope is for Siuan and the others that will come after, who deserve such songs." Moiraine explains calmly, gazing up at the stars.
"Well, let's keep walking; the weather is mild for this time of year. I might teach some music lessons out here if the Mistress of Novices can forgive me my oversights."
They continue to walk in silence, stopping to comment on the flowers and vegetables that the Novices faithfully tend each morning. Moiraine can't help but feel that things will be different for her one way or another. The White Tower is healing and becoming a strong institution once again. Moiraine wants Siuan to be part of the rebuilding process at every major event. Even if she decides to retire to a small estate, her last memories of the place shouldn't be a sick room.
***
Step Six: Rescuing The Light
The Amyrlin Seat and time force the issue.
The leader of the Aes Sedai declares that she cannot spare so many personnel for hypothetical practices, not when there are still borders to defend. She believes that Moiraine is ready and that delaying any further will only cause more distress to everyone in the White Tower. There is enough grief to go around without dangling hope that may not come to pass. Other sisters and community members can benefit, especially if there are concerns about stability when gentling. Nynaeve agrees that it is impossible to predict an 'ideal' time. Siuan sleeps comfortably enough.
"I know you don't agree, but Mother does have a point Moiraine. You have the soul of a scholar and want a level of perfection and certainty that may not exist. There are no more preparations to undertake; whatever happens, the battle needs to commence. If there is one thing you can't accuse Siuan of, it's indecisiveness." Alanna points out with the confidence of familiarity.
"Many disasters occur because channelers believe they have a firm and full command of the One Power." Moiraine points out grimly as they move to the next floor.
"Many more have been able to wield the Light for a common purpose. I and the rest of your contemporaries will stand beside you, whatever the outcome." Alanna reaches out and grabs her forearm in a comforting gesture.
"You were an excellent ally when we were Novices getting into endless mischief; I can see that hasn't changed even though patterns and prophesies pulled us in opposite directions to serve the Light." Moiraine turns and embraces her old friend fiercely.
"This is one battle where I can't follow, but I have every faith in your strength and Siuan's willingness to survive. Never underestimate a Daughter of the River in a fierce currents. There are few stronger forces in this tower than the two of you together." Alanna says before gently pushing her towards the door.
Moiraine Damodred fights the sudden urge to turn. Discussing this concept with scholars in the abstract feels entirely different from preparing to conduct the weave. Nynaeve al'Meara may be confident that she cannot harm Siuan, but even prodigies make mistakes. Seeing the other woman in pain is already unbearable; it would be a whole different matter to be the cause of that suffering. Sacrificing herself for the Light all those years ago was a similar undertaking.
***
Step Seven: Lending Strength and Life Force.
Siuan Sanche is even weaker in this place and plane.
Moiraine Damodred needs to summon considerable courage when practising this part of the experiment. Siuan Sanche is one of the most rational and level-headed people she knows. However, such attributes don't extend to her frightened mind when under the stress of such a mysterious illness. So Moiraine treads lightly and keeps these 'visits' short. Nynaeve insists that four of the most experienced Sisters provide backup. Thankfully, none of them appear talkative or judgemental. Every woman is Moiraine's age or several decades older, so there is plenty of collective wisdom.
"We are ready to aide you, Moiraine Sedai," the tall Green Sister says formally.
Moiraine spares the older woman a grateful glance. Of course, a lifetime of working alone means that she is unaccustomed to such support, but that doesn't mean she doesn't recognise the value of their collective skills. If she gets lost in the weaving process and cannot prevent drawing from her life force, it will be these women's responsibility to pull her back from the edge.
"I thank you for offering such service, even if some disagreed with my methods throughout the search for the Dragon Reborn." Moiraine acknowledges an unspoken truth in the room.
Moiraine sinks into the seat beside Siuan, reaching out to connect with her power. The position is as familiar as her saddle at this point. The pathway is familiar, and Moiraine can feel the weavings gather in response to the command. Siuan Sanche shows no outward sign of registering the move, her breathing rattling in a difficult rhythm. Moiraine tries to draw steady, even breaths and project calm authority.
The light of the weave swirls around and within Siuan. Moiraine provides a map for the power to follow, ignoring the weak smattering that Siuan's weakened body can generate. Time seems to have little to no meaning as she focuses on drawing the tiny flickerings, like grains of sand. The work is painstaking and goes against many of the core principles that the White Tower teaches. Moiraine is going against the instincts of the body, forcing change. What she is achieving here is not the work or domain of a healer.
"Steady Moiraine, don't put too much of yourself into it; Siuan’s power, shattered as it may be, will need to do some of the work." A faceless sister calls out an instruction.
Moiraine Damodred is wise enough to heed the warning; she is no longer in the middle of the battleground or a remote region; there are limits to improvisation. Still, her efforts are working, though there is not an easy way to judge such things. The weaves are all moving in a similar direction, no longer floating without purpose. Siuan's body, half-hidden by the Light, starts to respond normally to her presence. If the frame stays in place the healers can begin their work using more traditional approaches. It's difficult to tell when there is an endpoint, so Moiraine goes on instinct, working until there are no more stray particles. She begins to feel the tug of her sisters as they pull her back with a hard yank.
"You did it Moiraine, she is breathing steadily, and the weaves are reacting well," a second voice calls, gently pushing Moiraine out of the way.
It takes the Blue Sister a second to realise that she is close to losing consciousness with the undertaken effort. All the candles in the room were spluttering and burning low. Several new sisters are in the room, gently leading her back to a second bench. Moiraine fights the instinctive urge to protest, her head is spinning, and it isn't easy to focus. It's a relief to put her head down on the soft pillow.
"Rest now, Moiraine, child. We can take the burden from here; not everything needs to defy the laws of the universe."
Moiraine's last coherent thought is that she hasn't been a child in three decades.
***
Stage Eight: Points of Balance
There are no obvious signs of healing or progress.
The best sign that occurs so far is that Siuan's raging fever seems to ease after the third day, and she looks no worse for the experience. Nynaeve cheeks on them both every day, despite knowing that other sisters could easily do such a simple task. Moiraine has little patience for the questions, for it becomes something like a routine. Her weaving skill is at the same if not greater level. Moiraine doesn't feel anything different, not that she has many points of reference. The closest would be when her link to the One Power was snapped so violently.
"If this is the extent of her recovery, we can still claim some victory. The magic is no longer wreaking havoc on her body and senses. It has been many weeks since Siuan Sanche slept for such long stretches. The rest will remain something of a mystery until she regains consciousness." Nynaeve whispers while bringing in fresh water.
"Thank you for insisting that she summon me. Even towards the end, few things are more formidable than Siuan Sanche’s pride.” Moiraine smiles appreciatively.
"A strong will is an essential element for the White Tower, along with ‘the Spark’. Of course, you would ask for the same if the situation were reversed." Nynaeve shrugs, watching her patient carefully.
"Yes, but you come by your prejudices against the White Tower, the Sisters and me honestly. Working tirelessly on an impossible healing for somebody you haven't always trusted speaks to your underlying oath to serve." Moiraine points out gently.
"The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. Unfortunately, too many Sisters have not the luxury of comfort in their last moments. Although the prolonged agony and twisting of my efforts were not something I was willing to accept, you proved our allyship to that cause many years ago." Nynaeve keeps her attention on the patient.
Moiraine doesn't have the clinical eye the healers do, but a fringe benefit of this unconventional binding is that she can feel calmer. Her fingers and toes longer feel like they are in regular ice baths, and there isn't a buzzing at the edge of her awareness like a constant whisper that doesn't form coherent words. It's only that Siuan seems to be sleeping that she truly realises how restless those other approximations were. Nynaeve is holding a slender wrist, focusing intently before humming approval under her breath.
"You may leave you vigil, Moiraine. Siuan Sedai is firmly tied to this plane once more, thanks to your intervention. Your back, however, can only take so much mistreatment." Nynaeve instructs with the natural leadership inherent to all Yellows in the sickroom.
"Will you stay with her? She will be afraid of waking up alone, even if she'll hide it under the temperament of a wounded wolf." Moiraine asks, clearly reluctant to comply.
"One of the Yellow Sisters or Accepted will be with her at all times. It will give Siuan some comfort to have somebody to fire questions at and harass for information, take her back to the days in charge of the network." Nynaeve predicts with a trace of affection in her voice.
"You are right about that. I won't be long." Moiraine promises, standing up and stretching her back with an audible crack.
Although she is reluctant to leave, the command has logic. First, she won't do anyone a service by collapsing beside the patient. Second, it will be a good excuse to test the range of this gentle and tenuous connection forming unobtrusively while Siuan sleeps. Moiraine only has experience with a single Warder, but this link feels different, not as direct or demanding. She can't feel pain or sensations directly unless she concentrates on the link. Nobody knows if Siuan feels connected with her the same way; only time and consciousness will tell.
***
"By the Light, what have you done, Moiraine Damodred?"
Moiraine is so familiar with the silence of sitting with Siuan while she sleeps that it takes her a while to register that the weak voice is not another dream. There is a stirring against her connection to the One Power that feels different, but she doesn't take the time to explore that further. Siuan is blinking at her uncertainly from the bed. For once, her dark eyes are bright but without the accompanying signs of fever. Moiraine can tell her fellow Blue Ajah moves in the small ways her pain isn't as severe.
" I levelled the playing field or something close to that; the credit for your current state or if you want those famous fisherman's curses should be equal amongst thirty other Sisters who were the ones to begin solving the mystery. How are you feeling?" Moiraine moves to hand over the water flask.
"Like my body isn't being eaten alive by malevolent fire ants and for the first time in months, the room isn't spinning in triplicate. I come back to my original question, what did you do? Why do I feel your weaving so strongly? My Sight was weak before the Gentling and much less since..." Siuan trails off like she is solving a puzzle.
"Nynaeve and her fellow healers are willing to explain the process in detail. As a result, many scholarly papers will find their way to the four corners. In simple terms, I was able to stabilise your connection to the One Power so that the Yellows could focus their healing weaves. I drew on a ter'angreal construct to keep the link alive." Moiraine tries to keep the nervousness from her voice.
"Are you my Warder, Moiraine, like the dashing knights in the story? If I thank you for nothing else it’s that my skull no longer feels like it is about to explode." Siuan moves to sit up carefully as if she doesn't expect every limb to cooperate.
"No, we are not connected in such an intense way, but my magic is supporting yours to heal. It's all still rather experimental, I'm afraid, but it is wonderful to see you awake enough to hear the explanation. Don't try and start moving yet; you are still weak." Moiraine advises before threading their fingers together.
"Thank you Moiraine. I gave you grief for the attempt, but there are few fates worse than lingering in a magical agony for months, with a body too stubborn to quit. The cost must be high, to bend so many rules. " Siuan whispers before feeling tears pricking her eyes.
"I would do everything all over again, for a thousand lifetimes. But at least now we have enough time to work out the logistics. I'm afraid I can't save you from Nynaeve's tinctures; you will need to regain strength one awful tasting drop at a time." Moiraine advises leaning forward.
"Well, if I am going to endure such prolonged torment, then you better hold up your end of the bargain before I am her subject once again." Siuan challenges with an arched smile.
Siuan Sanche tugs their hands gently and Moiraine doesn't protest as their lips meet. Instead, they both smile into the gesture while not bothering to hide their tears of both happiness and relief. Moiraine reaches out and cradles the other woman's cheek as she has done so many times over the years. The warmth she finds there is natural and not the fire of those close to death. Her weavings reveal the same information, but physical touch is far more reassuring.
"Thank you for having the courage to fight one last time despite the great pain." Moiraine whispers when they pull back breathlessly.
"I never got the chance to summon you home in any official capacity; thank you for coming anyway and following me into the dark. Even if these moments are a fleeting reprieve, it's worth the few moments of peace." Siuan replies, her lips turning into a genuine smile.
"We finally have more time." Moiraine agrees before reaching to kiss her again.
Chapter 4: Summoning Change I
Summary:
It means so much that people are reading this. Honestly thought two or three people would, when first started writing it years ago when I hoped there was fandom :--)
Thanks to J for editing, remaining mistakes are mine.
Chapter Text
"There were many more traditions and customs than laws, and the light knew there were more laws than anyone every really knew. Often contradictory layers of law laid down over the centuries. But tradition and custom ruled Aes Sedai as much as Tower Law ever had"
—Crossroads of Twilight on Tower Law
"I feel weaker than a seabird after a long migration."
"Yes, but you don't seem like the type to believe in fairy tales where everything gets magically better. If that is your new position, then I will have to reassess the idea that Moiraine's weave is harmless; don't make me do that. There are ramblings about sanctioning her for taking such risks with our limited resources." Nynaeve snaps before holding up another object for Siuan to grasp.
"Moiraine Damodred took the risk herself precisely to avoid burdening the Tower. Good luck getting that argument into a Sitting, even in these times." Siuan retorts before dutifully reaching out with her weaker hand.
"Lady Moiraine is the resource that they were arguing is in danger and worth preserving." Nynaeve explains while watching her patient.
"That would be the first time in a decade that the White Tower universally shared such sentiments." Lan calls drily from his position, leaning against the doorframe.
"Lan, your commentary isn't helpful here. Don't encourage her discontent; she's hard enough to handle." Nynaeve warns as she gives her husband a hard look.
"I don't intend to undo all your hard work, healer. Far too much has gone into the effort to bring me back. However, performing children's exercises is an adjustment considering that as a fisherman's daughter I was scampering across riggings before my tenth year." Siuan confesses, rolling her neck to avoid stiffness.
"Can I invite you for lunch to take your mind off such efforts?" Moiraine asks with an encouraging smile as she comes to stand beside Lan.
"I am sorry my friend; sleep is still my only ambition this afternoon Siuan spares her a weary smile.
Moiraine looks like she is ready to protest. Instead, she smiles sadly before turning to catch the attention of another Blue passing the doorway. Nobody in the room speaks until they are alone again. Both husband and wife give her identical looks of judgement. Siuan thinks that those two are well-matched in their union for the first time. But, of course, it's no fun being under scrutiny.
"Why did you mislead her and so badly for somebody who used to run the Blue's Eyes and Ears Network?" Nynaeve sounds genuinely disappointed.
"My new life doesn’t mean I don’t value the Oaths, my words are true. You are the one who keeps telling me to sleep when possible; leave it alone. Let's get back to teaching me the motor skills of an infant." Siuan says, holding out her hand obligingly.
***
Siuan begins avoiding Moiraine out of pride, and it quickly becomes a habit.
The former leader can't accurately describe the mixture of emotions that overwhelm her when she thinks about the other woman and her life-saving efforts. Decades of diplomatic service do Siuan little good as she struggles to reconcile this new version of herself. Sometimes she can do little more than cry after her sessions with the healers, no matter how gentle they are. It's vain and ridiculous, but she wants to look better for the woman now that Moiraine is no longer holding a bedside vigil.
"You are looking well Siuan-Sedai. I am so glad that you are joining us for dinner." A tall Accepted calls before rushing past.
Siuan grits her teeth and tries to loosen her grip on the cane holding her up. She firmly regrets the impulsive decision to join her sisters for a communal meal; it seemed like an easy way to get the gossip over and done with. Instead, she feels like the court jester with little talent or skill. But, before she can retreat, she feels someone come up and stand beside her. Thom Merrilin is no longer an odd sight in these halls, but he does not go into the inner areas.
"May I escort you this evening?" he asks, holding out his arm with one of those elaborate bows that make even the youngest novices giggle.
"Don't be such a showman. If you are willing to temper your flourishing strides to accommodate my shuffle, you are welcome to the dubious honour. However, it is doubtful that such actions will prevent your audience from demanding a repeat performance or two of their favourites." Siuan warns as she accepts the support.
"There are heavier burdens to carry. I could sing some of those songs in my sleep and play them with three fingers. It is a shrewd move to re-emerge in front of everyone and ease the speculation that you are a mythical figure." Thom says with a smile that curls his moustache.
"I may be rusty at Daes Dae'mar, but I’m not completely a novice at the prospect." Siuan smiles to take the sting out of her words.
"No, but attempting to play the Great Game well can be a draining experience at the best of times, least of all when you are putting your life back together under such care and scrutiny. The smallest moves can take great courage." Thom insists as they wait for the doors to open.
"There are many languages to go yet before we can make any assessment about virtues in the matter. Look lively, great bard; we have different points to prove." Siuan instructs as she holds her head high.
For a second, Siuan feels a surge of longing for Gareth and Alric, but not in a romantic sense. Something is comforting about having someone at your side, heading into the 'battle' of court intrigue with you. Siuan is no longer the person who commands meetings in the Hall of The Tower; she is one among many needing the support and reassurance of others. Would her father find shame in her dependence or pride in her will to survive?
***
Her body is weak, and her magic even more fragile.
One benefit of such a long recovery is the general population learns to leave her rooms and favourite walking routes alone. The new and diverse generation of Aes Sedai has as much hunger as the others. However, in some ways, they have a deeper fear of weavings and the spark going wrong, as with all dangers. Everybody is consistently polite, but Siuan isn't so naive not to read between the lines. Siuan’s is a cautionary tale rather a subject of awe. Her pride is a distant memory now.
"It's a delight to see you up again, Siuan. Lady Moiraine was worried sick about you and worked herself to the bone looking for a cure. The strength in your gait does both you and her credit." A White Sister appears at her side.
"Thank you. I hope the knowledge gained serves many in the years to come. Now if you would excuse me, I have an appointment waiting." Siuan misdirects smoothly.
She doesn’t know this sister in particular, but Siuan doesn’t have the energy to tiptoe amongst the political factions. She doesn’t want to cause any more trouble for Moiraine. The Whites preoccupy themselves with questions of truth and reality. Of course, her resurrection from near death must be a truly inspiring notion. Siuan refuses to become a test subject for another Ajah, especially when there is no direct reward for their boundless curiosity. Siuan will never forgive specific Whites for ruthlessly following the Reds orders.
"Siuan, I don't want to be impolite, but I technically outrank..."
The Whites are regaining popularity in the reunited Tower. Many people are looking for answers to the wider questions in life. More cynically, they need a warm and dry place to live with plenty of food. However, there are still Sisters with a passionate connection with logic and the need for absolute truth. This woman, in particular, seems to fall into the latter camp. Siuan cannot help but recall how many women followed Elaida and the resulting schism in the Tower.
"Jessa, is there a problem here? I believe several Novices are waiting for instruction. You wouldn't want to leave them alone for too long, would you? We both know what trouble they can get up to, even in such a harmless class." Moiraine's voice echoes down the corridor.
Siuan may have difficulties with Moiraine Damodred, but there is still something remarkable about watching her wield her power and influence. Jessa, the White Sister, immediately shrinks back, acknowledging her miscalculation in going after a weak Blue with strong protections. The old hierarchies still exist, but that doesn't mean you can exploit rank without cause. Siuan feels a mixture of both gratitude and rage that she needs such protection in the first place.
"Of course, Moiraine. Thank you for the reminder." The words are barely above a whisper.
Moiraine keeps a respectful distance between them and sensibly doesn't speak until their fellow Sister is safe within the classroom. They move in uncomfortable silence, but Siuan refuses to break it. Their friendship has never needed small talk in the past, and they don't feel like breaking the rules now. At least she no longer feels breathless when reaching the top of the stairs.
"I don't sense in genuine hostility from her, just that desperate need for logic and answers to a problem they can't solve. She is one who remained loyal and did not follow Elaida or any of the subsequent factions; if anything, she may genuinely want to help, in her own strange White way."
"I was there, Moiraine. Thank you for cutting off that conversation; I didn't have the energy to spare for such a long debate on the matter. My reserves are better thanks to you, but they are far from normal levels. One of the fringe benefits of no longer being a leader is avoiding such interrogations." Siuan gives her a grateful smile.
"While I'm always happy to be of service, you don't seem otherwise thrilled to see me. So don't end your long tradition of telling me in detail what I have done wrong and how to resolve the matter. Neither of us is so weak that we can't handle such a discussion..." Moiraine encourages quietly, with a nervous smile.
"Siuan, Nynaeve is looking for you. She doesn't entirely understand your latest calculation. At least that's what I gather from her mutterings about handwriting and your lack of noble calligraphy." Lan calls as he comes to stand beside them.
"Far be it for us to let your wife's temper rage like a storm, Lan." Siuan agrees before taking the opportunity to slip away.
One of the few things that allows Siuan to feel better is that Moiraine uses her unique weaving technique to teach the Yellows her findings. Nynaeve wants to test the 'Lighthouse Idea' against several of the taints in major power weavings that were not severe nor malevolent enough to be the work of darkfriends. The part of Siuan that will always be a leader is grateful that Moiraine uses her talents to assist the White Tower.
***
Her greatest failures and triumphs happen in private.
The White Tower is her home physically and in her soul, but Siuan never has such gratitude for the place as she does now. Providing regular check-ins and exercises, she is free to wander the halls and secret places that see far more spider webs than people. Her healing mainly consists of walking the halls and building her strength amongst the memories. The gentle pressure of Moiraine within her mind and magic isn't overly intrusive. Siuan is careful not to investigate how the presence makes her feel.
She stands in one of the highest points of the White Tower, where there are still faint scars from the attacks, even after diligent cleaning. Nevertheless, Siuan always likes the view it affords, watching the hawks and other birds of prey performing their mating dances. Few people bother her up here. There is an unspoken agreement that there are some places where Aes Sedai go alone to think. The stirrings of her power are coming back together, if only in a fraction of her former strength.
"Does it get any easier?" a voice whispers.
Siuan turns in surprise at the sound of a childlike voice coming from one of the dark corners in the narrow space. Before, those soft cries were considered not the sound of one of the cats that everyone pretends to feed and care for each season. The Blue Ajah blinks when she sees the vague outline of a girl. The clothes of the Novice were already dirty enough to warrant switching from the Mistress of the Novices, but she decides not to point out such things.
"The answer to that depends very much on how one defines the concept of difficulty and what your expectations of the White Tower were in the first place. I can tell you, as one out-of-place country girl to another, that hiding from whatever brings you up here will not do you any good in the long run." Siuan replies while regarding the girl critically.
"Everyone is so proud of me for making it this far, but I'm so afraid; I want to go home and be a baker like my father. Our village isn't so bad." The voice is thick with tears that she does not bother to conceal.
"What is your name, child?" Siuan asks instead.
"Rajial." The word is barely above a whisper, but Siuan catches the familiar accent.
"You will have plenty of opportunities to leave Rajial. For starters, there are no guarantees anywhere in the process, much less reaching the rank of full sister. However, I can guarantee that you will regret not trying after coming all this way. The Five Fingers and the surrounding villages will always be there." Siuan refuses to indulge the young girl.
"Nobody seems to like me; I'm too different and speak weirdly.”
Siuan smiles wearily, thinking this young girl could be a ghost from her past, complete with the same insecurities.
"Don't let a few particularly loud voices sway your opinion of the entire group. Instead, look for the people that share your interests. There are plenty of baker's daughters and other trades if that's the company you seek. There is a strength in you or your village would already have had you back after the second day. Now get up and quit sulking!" Siuan snaps, echoing her former teachers.
"Yes, Ma'am, who are you?" the girl asks questioningly.
"My name is Siuan Sanche of the Blue Ajah, frequent trouble maker as a Novice. Now go." Siuan smiles when she realises the truth of the words.
"Thank you, Siuan-Sedai, for your words of wisdom." The girl does a good bow.
Siuan watches the young girl disappear down the stairs at a much faster pace than she manages. Yet, something is affirming about managing simple interactions without completely breaking down. Maybe it's possible to find a place in this new Tower and as a new person. Of course, if she was going to talk about this with anyone, it would be Moiraine. Unfortunately, that doesn't feel like an option right now. So she'll settle for telling the birds.
***
"You aren't going to get the fragile treatment from me, Siuan Sanche."
Siuan Sanche looks up from the surprisingly flavourful soup now that her senses are working properly. She must remember to thank the villagers responsible for supplying the Tower. So far, she can get through most meals without intrusion from well-meaning friends. Alanna ends this streak, which seems strangely fitting. The Green Sister glares at her with a hard look before shutting the door firmly. At least she has enough foresight to bring more fresh rolls that are still warm.
"It would be the thing of nightmares if you ever have such personality change, Alanna. I would then genuinely consider the idea that you were doppelganger." Siuan agrees before accepting the food gratefully.
Alanna flops onto Siuan’s temporary bed with an intimacy that only lifelong friendship allows. For a second, she looks like a Novice rather than one of the fiercest warriors of their generation. Siuan turns around, expecting a dressing down and wanting to get it over with one shot. Thankfully, Alanna gestures for her to continue eating while nibbling on a fistful of berries.
"You know that Moiraine isn't going to think any less of you for struggling to cope with this new reality. Your life is an absolute wreck, complete with a fiery near death experience. There is nothing wrong with mourning Gareth and all the others while looking towards the future." Alanna states, her tone soft and gentle.
"Can we get to the point, Alanna? I'm enjoying a rare burst of energy here and want to enjoy a full meal.”
"Stop pretending that you and Moiraine don't have many things to discuss and figure out together. Nobody expects you to bounce off the walls like a pet lamb in spring, but it's not fair to retreat to the years of Moiraine's 'exile' when you can barely speak her name without flinching." Alanna says the words with little room for negotiation.
"Avoiding her would imply that I have a plan or strategy in the works; such a statement would be a gross exaggeration in the realm of even the most boastful fisherman. My adjusting and adapting occurred without her for years; it's hard to view now any differently. You don't need to act as an emissary between us. There is no need for the Oath Rod to make an appearance." Siuan reassures her friend was a sad smile.
" The situations are hardly comparable, but I speak from experience when I say there is comfort in having such a connection with someone who knows you so well, even if the ‘medical bonding’ doesn't follow the traditional path. Moiraine is more steadfast than most Warders put together. Give her a chance to be a light footed Blue, you won't find her intrusive. " Alanna continues.
"The feeling isn't unpleasant, merely strange. Especially considering I did not expect to survive the Last Battle at all." Siuan confesses, gesturing to her head vaguely.
"Ah, if the Sisters of the Green Ajah have expertise in anything, it's the notion of survivors guilt. There are many different ways that determine who lives and who dies. The limits of the power that we come to rely on so much. I'm here for whatever conversations you need, no matter how late." Alanna reaches for more tea.
"The same goes for your grief, my friend. While my limbs are figuring out which directions they favour, I can listen and reflect on the long road that brought us here and all the losses." Siuan offers, her words genuine and meaningful.
"Just like old times. Without the menial labour and uncertainty of our elders. Somehow two scrappy girls with unconventional ideas and one princess with no aspirations to nobility are the wise ones now, helping to shape this uncertain future.”
"The Light preserve us." Siuan agrees with an uncertain look.
***
"By the Light, what were you thinking!"
Siuan wishes to meet the questioning with wit and grace. However, she feels as bad as Moiraine's tone suggests. She leans against the wall, struggling to get her breath back. This retreat still feels peaceful but the magic hums and feels different. The ter'angreal requires quite a bit from the wielder. Her body feels the effects of such actions, even passing into the rooms, which required little more than a thought a year ago. It is little wonder that the strain caught Moiraine's attention and whatever connection their magic shares.
"Not that it is any of your business, but I was craving privacy and being away from people that know the exact functioning of organs and sense the weak flickering of hopeless magic. You didn't need to hunt me down like a wayward Novice and her 'pillow friend.'" Siuan puts a certain ironic emphasis on the word.
"Equally, you didn't need to start avoiding me like an Accepted dealing with their first heartache. We don't know the shape and composition of your magic or abilities yet, Siuan. Gambling with a sum you couldn't afford to lose was reckless." Moiraine scolds, but her actions are gentle as she slides down the wall to sit beside her.
"Says the woman who pieces my power back together by thread count, with a little guidance from the Yellows. You can claim little high ground here, but I take your point." Siuan agrees, trying to straighten her posture and not appear weak.
"Why are you avoiding me, Siuan? Are you angry with me for defying your first plea? Is the burden of this new life too much?" Moiraine sounds like she is giving voice to deep fears.
"I am my father's daughter, even though most members of the Sanche family do not have any but the faintest memories of me. We are survivors and adaption was in our lifeblood long before a strange girl child manifested the Spark. I could never resent escaping such horrible pain and sickness, Moiraine. There is now a foundation for helping others with similar maladies." Siuan insists, mustering a genuine smile.
"Then why...." Moiraine begins before stopping abruptly.
Siuan feels a surge of both guilt and gratitude to Alanna for forcing the issue. She may be solitary by nature and seek her healing privately, but that doesn't mean that Moiraine Damodred isn't also dealing with trauma. Blocking out her fellow Blue Ajah was the height of folly and mean-spiritedness. She reaches out and grasps the pale hand in a tight fist to prove this point. Siuan feels a ridiculous surge of happiness that hers are no longer skin and bone.
"It is true my dignity feels being weaker than the most marginal Novice to be a challenge. It’s a relief that the Reds are in no position to cast judgement. My reasons for avoiding you have nothing to do with the healing, you forged the right path and did things your way." Siuan squeezes her hand to heighten the point.
"Alanna said much the same, but there were references to war and hunters too shy to take the first shot. There were also plenty of colourful languages, but I mainly focused on the lemon cake. It's a strange day when that fearless one is negotiating such matters." Moiraine offers an affectionate smile.
"The truth is, Moiraine, the parameters of this relationship feel just as impossible as they did when we were pretending the great estrangement and dealing with your exile to find and train the Dragon Reborn. So how do I deal with our circumstances when they are the exact opposite of our history? Do we have time, space, and no one currently trying to destroy the world? What is the shape of this bond if not quite that of a Warder?" Siuan waves her hands around helplessly.
"For once, I can't sweep in and give you all the answers." Moiraine whispers, moving slightly closer.
"That doesn't give me the right to treat you as a distant cousin who has done me a good turn. I was uncertain and prideful and wanted to reach an invisible and ever-moving milestone of 'better' before reconnecting with you. I couldn't reconcile you acting as my handmaiden anymore, even if I can’t do the most basic things. Do you forgive me?" Siuan asks, resting her head on Moiraine's shoulder in a familiar gesture.
"Consider it done, but only if you promise that we will explore the next stage of this together. My only goal with this was to ease your pain and the terrible wasting that no one should endure. Now that it seems you will live, there are no parameters you will need to explore and understand. I want to be a worthwhile companion to you, whatever that means." Moiraine pulls her into an embrace.
"You have my word, Lady Moiraine Damodred of the Blue Ajah. Alanna reckons it will be just like old times but without the Mistress of Novices judging our ability to make our beds. That impression might be naive with the fearlessness of our new Keeper and Mother." Siuan confesses with a smile.
"If you want to come back here, I will come with you. However, the old magic demands much and the price can be unexpected. Therefore, I won't interfere elsewhere, but at least let me keep you safe here." Moiraine insists again.
"This room is as much yours as it is mine. After all, I built it for you in the first place, even if there is less for us to conceal. But, of course, the privacy will have other uses. Maybe I'll be able to summon the weakest of weaves or at least untangle some fishing lines." Siuan agrees, snuggling even closer.
Chapter 5: Summoning Change II
Chapter Text
"You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyways."
—The Eye of the World
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"
"You broke and bent both bones and many magical laws in my favour. Showing up with you as my shadow won't do anything to dispel rumours of my continued decline." Siuan insists while reaching for an apple slice.
Siuan smiles at the other woman, trying to take the sting out of any perceived rejection. Their relationship is still on uncertain ground, but then again, that is nothing new. Their path has been unconventional from the moment they met as Novices. At least now there is no need to try to hide from the person who knows her best. Moiraine is consistently respectful of her desire for space though they still end up having a meal together most days, even if it is only a few moments.
"If these last years with Rand as champion have shown us anything, it’s that rules need to change with the circumstances. The taint was partly allowed to grow because we allowed things to become stagnant." Moiraine declares heatedly.
"This is a debate we can pick up later. I am still meeting with the Sitters alone. Please consider it for my pride, if nothing else." Siuan softens her words with a loving smile.
She’s healing at a snail's pace, but now her body doesn't collapse in the morning. Nynaeve is no longer constantly hovering with new potions. It would be naive to think they have true privacy, but the healers don't come by in flocks anymore. Siuan wonders if she will be moved back to the former quarters of senior Blue Sisters or if Nynaeve and Moiraine will conspire to have her remain here, closer to the Yellow storerooms and sickbeds.
***
People tend to overlook an invalid, even a former leader.
Siuan Sanche smiles when she sees two sisters hurry past her. She has been recovering for weeks and more or less sticking to the healer's guidelines, which seem to involve little more than constant walking and strict daily routines. At least she can hold full conversations with people like Alanna now. People are willing to gossip in front of her, forgetting that she was once the leader of Blue's Eyes and Ears. People seem perfectly willing to have firm and unpopular opinions. Siuan hoards the information like the pretty shells she collected as a child.
"What are the rumblings amongst Greens and Browns? I know they are still hesitant to say my name, much less interact with me." Siuan asks Alanna as they walk around the gardens.
"I think you can blame your guard dog for that one. The story of her temper tantrum still echoes the halls. I think that's the reason it took them so long to summon you from the sick room," Alanna warns with a cheerful laugh.
"Or the more cynical amongst us were waiting with some degree of curiosity to see if Moiraine Damodred's grand experiment failed. It makes sense to contain the blast radius here, especially when Nynaeve and the Yellows are already trying new things anyway. That's what I would have done in Mother's place." Siuan muses almost to herself.
"You will find that the attitude toward casual sacrifice is different under this reign. The losses and battles made even the most dedicated Greens consider what it truly means to accept collateral damage. Nobody here is a stranger to sickness but few people have been as 'weave sick' for lack of a better term." Alanna explains with a thoughtful expression.
"I heard rumours that the Whites and Grays are struggling with an influx of members. The Reds are also trying to find a new target for the anger that fuels them." Siuan says with confidence.
"I see your networks are as strong as ever. Were you playing weak for a reason, my friend?" Alanna asks in a conspiratorial whisper.
"I am someone who is in the rather unenviable position of knowing what it's like to be powerless in these ranks three times. Although the feeling wasn't pleasant when we were young, it is less so now that I have been the target of four rather intricate efforts to end my life. Knowledge is easy to acquire when people believe you are at your most feeble." Siuan matches her tone.
"It's hard not have visions of you on the shores of The Fingers of the Dragon, instructing young fisherfolk on how to read currents and increase their yields; all the while smoking a pipe for the sake of appearances, of course." Alanna speaks as if conducting a play or drama.
Siuan would have avoided listening to her friend talk about her opinion on such matters in her old life. However, she is enjoying the simplicity of Alanna and their steadfast friendship even after so many years apart and taking entirely different life paths. Siuan hopes that her friend will find companionship in a new form, without her two loves.
"Would such a fanciful notion have any appeal? If so, I would pay good coin to see Moiraine Damodred learn the art of mending fishing lines. She always was too reliant on Lan, and not in the delightful, pleasant ways." Alanna muses, sounding unmistakably like a gossip.
"Moiraine has more survival skills than the rest of our year put together."' Siuan disagrees firmly.
"So that's not a no on the scenario in general; now that's encouraging!" Alanna's eyes gleam with speculation.
***
Former Amyrlin Seats do not linger like ghouls and spectacles.
One of the responsibilities Siuan took quite seriously was learning the history of her position at a relatively young age. The leader of the Aes Sedai is only to die of old age or gloriously in battle; retirement or abdication are rare and unwelcome events. Unfortunately, there are no guidebooks for such scenarios. So Siuan finds herself trying to prepare for the meeting by recognizing who wields power beyond the current Amyrlin Seat, still finding her feet in the position after Egwene's great sacrifice.
"Mother...Siuan...Sedai...Ma'am..." the amount of butchering of her address is truly impressive.
"You have the report for me, Novice?" Siuan prompts, keeping her voice uncharacteristically gentle.
Siuan takes uncharacteristic mercy on the young White, who has enough challenges with belonging to that Ajah. She accepts the thick parchment roll, raising an eyebrow at its size. The Sitters want her to review this record before the meeting tomorrow to see if her recollections match Moiraine’s. The scribes are late getting her this material, meaning that her friend has had to transcribe everything to the scholarly standard.
Siuan feels a pang when she sees Moiraine's still loopy and graceful script, familiar from their years of exchanging letters. She knows firsthand how hard Moiraine works to save her, but it is entirely different to see every trial and tribulation written down. In her quest to find the Dragon Reborn, she performed many feats of wonder but had neither the time nor inclination to record anything. Siuan wonders how many moments of importance are lost to history or the heat of battle.
"Moiraine has the spirit of both a noble and a scholar. That does not make her economic with her words, but the broader strokes are accurate. Perhaps she is making up for lost time and always having to write from inns and in code." Nynaeve comments as she sweeps into the room.
"Or it could also be that Moiraine knew she was precariously close to pushing the laws of magic to their breaking point and wanted to write a guide for future practitioners." Siuan disagrees before looking up and smiling at the other woman.
"You will be fine at the meeting. You are beyond such concepts as mere luck, but I wanted to see if you needed anything before making your final preparations. Is your hip still troublesome in the evenings? Don't even bother lying about it; it's a waste of your talent." Nynaeve scrutinises her carefully.
"My body is more or less learning to function again; the pain is better now that required exercise is part of my daily routine. Alanna has appointed herself my "Mistress of Movement", so that the hip is more a tiring nuisance. The Sitters will see me as I am, a sister in her middle years with too many battles and too few victories to her name." Siuan reports dutifully; it's largely a habit now.
"Did Moiraine expect anything different when you plucked us together as a band of reluctant warriors on the eve of war?" Nynaeve sinks into the chair beside her.
Nynaeve doesn't have the temperament to waste any words on comforting nonsense, but she sits down next to Siuan and rearranges the read scrolls into a neat pile, pointedly not reading the contents. While such matters are not off-limits for the senior Yellow Sister, the former Wisdom still has a fierce sense of privacy and propriety. Unfortunately, life at tower and the inherent gossip doesn't agree with her.
***
Her magic is a flickering ghost.
For the most part, Siuan obeys the instructions not to reach for the Source The healers are uncertain if her body has the strength for summoning. Moiraine's guiding presence is both comforting and strange. However, she spent the last few decades wielding both pollical and magical power; so it is impossible to remove such feelings entirely. She finds herself retreating to the highest point of the tower again, where she met the young Raji, distraught at the prospect of leaving home. Her best thoughts come while listening to the wind and birds of prey.
"Do you need another lecture on self-preservation and limits? I wouldn't advise testing my wife while she is nursing an overconfident Accepted." A voice calls from the shadows.
"You make that sound like infrequent situation, Lan. Are you trailing me for any particular reason? Playing my nursemaid and errand boy was never within your duties, much less so now that you have a wife and a position of leadership." Siuan chides while coming to stand beside him.
"I have instincts that alert me when either you or Moiraine are in trouble, it’s a hard habit to break after nearly two decades. Do not reach for the magic yet." Lan advises wearily.
"The feeling is still frustratingly elusive. It doesn't feel the same as it did when I was 'assaulted', The Spark is still dancing at the edge of my awareness," Siuan confesses sheepishly.
"Then treat it like a skittish horse you are trying to tame. There is no sense in charging in and forcing the connection; let your magic find its link in the same way your limbs are remembering to move. I was there when you were at your sickest, barely clinging to life. Your recovery is a testament to your grit and will; legions of both soldiers and sisters may yet learn from your courage." Lan says quietly, with genuine emotion in his voice.
"Thank you, my friend, ignoring the equine reference. Are we part of a unique club now? The Touch of Moiraine?" Siuan asks with a fleeting smile.
"We could have claimed that the second we met all those years ago. Now we are merely making a pre-existing reality official. These circumstances are unique. She didn't give you a choice, but Moiraine is a respectful partner and will not intrude when you seek privacy." Lan advises before taking her hand and squeezing it.
Siuan feels the familiar tracks of tears, but they are quickly wiped away by the wind. Neither of them comments on the faint trembling in her fingers, heightened emotion seems to be her constant companion of late. However, there is no need for Lan to carry that burden as well, not when good days are starting to outweigh the bad. Not for the first time, Siuan finds herself missing both Alric and Gareth and that particular Warder bond.
"My marriage to Gareth wouldn't have lasted beyond the year, not with our fierce clashes. However, I still resent the inability to even have had the chance, even with the failures." Siuan whispers, working around the tightness.
"Yes, that grief and burden will stay with you for the rest of your life. Let it sit with you in the same way as Moiraine's new presence and light does." Lan advises after several long moments.
***
Siuan obsesses over what to wear.
Of course, this isn't a formal Sitting and doesn't need ceremonial robes, but Siuan isn't sure where she stands with these people anymore. Moiraine, always a member of the nobility, sees that her clothing gets taken in to reflect her new frame after her illness. Nothing can stop her from appearing pale and sickly but form-fitting outfits help. Siuan is grateful that she is not wearing the white and gold stole and robe; it's possible that she would fall over if she tried any of her former grand entrances.
"You look beautiful, but can I suggest a change to your hair?" Moiraine asks quietly.
Siuan shouldn't startle at the intrusion, but Moiraine is adjusting to their new bond faster, or perhaps her condition is worse than she realizes. Her friend is outfitted in her oldest and most casual clothing that is fit for being seen in public and with an audience. But, of course, the noblewoman wouldn't dream of going anywhere without full makeup. Siuan is eternally grateful that her friend doesn’t barge into the room.
So they smile at each other uncertainly for a while. Then, finally, Siuan gestures vaguely towards the table. Moiraine slides into the position of handmaiden with little effort. If these were regular times, Siuan would have teased the other woman for wasting so much time with beauty regimes, but she is now grateful for the attention while the nerves flutter her ribcage. Moiraine's fingers are skilful as they work magic; it's almost mesmerizing.
"No matter how skilful you are with those brushes, dearest, I will still be the sickly woman who came back from the dead." Siuan warns while keeping her voice barely above a whisper.
"That may be the first thought of those newly risen to their position, but you will soon convince them otherwise. This night is one of the few times that the great songs of the nobility have their uses. Your achievements during the schism and ensuing battle will erase any lingering doubts they may have." Moiraine insists firmly, locking their gazes.
Although she is time-poor, Siuan pauses for a second to bathe both in Moiraine's physical presence and the gentle glow of their magical link. Then, as if reading her mind, Moiraine leans down and presses a gentle kiss against her shoulder, brushing her lips over a scar that always provokes a reaction. Siuan leans into the touch and blinks away the sudden tears that threaten to undo all the work of the powders and creams. Moiraine steps back and returns her attention to the hairstyle.
"I want you to know that whatever you decide to do at the end of the meeting or in the coming weeks, I am with you. We have been through so much together and most of that required both separation and sacrifice. Things are different now, but can you promise me something?" Moiraine asks earnestly.
"If it is with my power." Siuan agrees.
"I want you to take advantage of the fact we have no brewing wars or immediate obligations. I know it feels strange, but we have fulfilled our duties, again and again, impossible as they seemed at the time. Decide what you want to do next with no other thought than what would make you happy." Moiraine asks, her voice thick with emotion.
"Your beloved father would be proud of both your scholarship and sentimental soul. I will do my best to live up to such lofty expectations. As long as you return the favour and do not disappear into the night without first saying goodbye." Siuan struggles to keep her vulnerability in check.
"That's an easy resolution to make, even if Nynaeve and Lan won't stand at the gates. You are not the only one who is learning to change. My constitution now responds well to a regular bed and normal waking hours, who knew?" Moiraine teases gently.
****
The hall is both daunting and delightful.
Siuan takes several precious moments to square her shoulders and places her feet; she knows every inch of this space and most of the people who remain in positions of power and influence. Siuan has been on the other side of this situation hundreds of times. Still, she finds herself wishing that Moiraine was at her side, a thought she has had for many years. Every Sitter in that room will be scrutinizing her words and actions, looking for signs of weakness, decay, or turning towards the darkness.
"I am pleased to see you alive and here under your own power, Siuan. The rumours surrounding your recovery were extensive, but there was little substance to them, even from the sharpest ears." The Red Sitter sounds perfectly neutral.
"My body and spirit are still healing, however the rumours of my demise, fortunately, do not have weight to them- at least not yet." Siuan bows her head respectfully.
"There is be little doubt that Moiraine Sedai had the makings of a Blue since girlhood, but her approach in this case has been remarkable, if not unconventional." The White Sitter agrees thoughtfully.
Siuan Sanche hates feeling like a specimen, but it is nothing new after so long. The power dynamic is entirely different when she is on the hall floor, the chairs looking so high above her. Years of training keep her from visibly cringing, but she focuses on the chair she occupied for too few years. Several of these women were once her friends and classmates. Most at least respected her reign and her work to find the Dragon Reborn. Unfortunately, too many are strangers now after the Last Battle.
"Daughter, what position do you seek amongst us now that your life and ability to channel are no longer in question? There is little doubt that your Blue Sisters would be grateful to have you re-join their ranks. Likewise, other Ajahs would benefit from your guidance as one of the most experienced veterans of both the battles and these uncertain times." The authoritative woman points out logically.
"I do not have the stamina to find my place here once again, not after so many years in different positions of power. It is time for this creature of the White Tower to expand her horizons. However, I do not plan to stray overly far at present. Tar Valon is a vast place with many problems in need of solving. The messages and heralds will still be able to reach me by conventional means." Siuan explains, working to keep the fear from her voice.
The current Amyrlin Seat keeps her expression neutral, but Siuan swears she sees a spark of recognition at her pain. Siuan tracks the sun shining through the windows behind the woman, no longer her equal. Siuan's fingers ache to feel the chair's contours that, while not named a throne, feel like it in all but name. When Nynaeve first heals her there is no time or opportunity to mourn her new status, not with Elaida and the ensuing battles against Darkfriends.
"Will you let us know when your plans become more definitive? We haven't had formal outside consultants for a while; perhaps it is time to review that decision. A lifetime of service is only romantic in songs and epic poetry." The Amyrlin Seat agrees neutrally.
***
"I feel like a Novice waiting for admonishment."
Siuan Sanche is feeling weak after the interrogation. The women in the room had no desire to be gentle with her. It makes the former leader realise how peaceful Nynaeve was in different ways. Moiraine is currently sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. For a second, the decades melt away, and they are children in trouble once again. Moiraine somehow manages to look worse than she does, and Siuan feels a stab of guilt.
"What are you doing here, Moiraine? They had me in there for hours and did not consider anyone else awaiting an audience? Your shoulder and knee aren't in much better shape than mine." Siuan scolds while her voice is hoarse.
"I was going to worry about the outcome and obsess over every detail anyway, the location didn't matter overly much." Moiraine looks up at her and smiles sleepily.
"Well, come on then, at least we can hobble back together. Nothing went on there that I wasn't expecting, as you well know. Don't pretend you weren't speculating, dearest" Siuan reaches down and offers her hand.
"You are leaving the Tower?" Moiraine offers as more of a statement than a query.
Siuan Sanche is exhausted after such an impossibly long meeting, filled with plenty of talking and debating. Mother was gracious enough to offer her seat several times, but Siuan refused to show weakness. She stood as still and strong as an oak by the water, confronting a storm. At least nobody was unwise enough to suggest that Siuan prostrate herself on the ground.
"Eventually, but not yet. The Aes Sedai are changing as the Wheel turns to bring in the new age everyone fought so hard to achieve. I do not need to be here in the Tower to shape that narrative. There is enough strength in the latest class to take my legacy at make it their own. So how do you feel about snow lillies?” Siuan explains before ending with a question and a smile.
There is still work to be done and the matter of figuring out her final acts of service and work with the Yellows. But, at least now, the gossip in the Tower will have some validity. It wouldn't surprise Siuan to learn that Lan and Nynaeve are busy making plans to keep her safe anywhere she sees fit to go. However, the only person she wants to inform is starting at her quizzically.
"I can't say I've given that pretty little flower much thought, is there are the reason for this sentimentality now?" Moiraine asks curiously.
"For most of my adult life I have ignored the seasons, focusing instead on the Pattern and thinking years or decades in advance. Such actions feel unnatural to a child of Tear. My father may have expected me to do great things, but he would shun his daughter for having her head in the clouds. Then, Alanna gave me an idea..." Siuan begins to explain.
"A phrase that always needs to be greeted with caution.." Moiraine teases.
"When we were young, you were always asking me about my favourite places to go, often forgetting how narrow my world view was beyond channelling and the strength of my father's lines. Still, there are a few places I would like to show you, now that we finally have the time." Siuan feels stupidly nervous about making the proposition.
"Siuan..." Moiraine begins carefully.
"We wouldn't stray far from here or your new friends and connections. Only a few days ride if we can coax my legs into the movement. There is a young mare I have set my sights on, possibly a distant cousin to your beloved companion." Siuan wills her hands not to twitch.
Siuan watches with uncertainty as Moiraine turns to face her and position them further into the corridor leading to her private quarters. These moments feel eerie, like their Novice days when stealing time together. Siuan trips, and for once it isn't due to her body's weakness. Moiraine reaches out and threads their hands together.
"I do believe you are nervous, Siuan Sanche." Moiraine declares, laughing before pushing her hands against the large doors.
"What was your first clue?" Siuan grumbles, but there is no heat in it.
"If you would allow me to finish… I was going to say that I would be delighted to accompany you on such an adventure, even if we are doing nothing but sitting by the river and going over your fishing stories." Moiraine seals her declaration with a gentle kiss.
Chapter 6: Summoning Threats
Chapter Text
"The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth and even myth is long forgotten when the age that gave it birth comes again."
Overconfidence was always a flaw of Siuan Sanche.
Despite all the trials she has been through, the former leader still believes in the correctness of her decisions and the strategy as naturally as breathing. Still, she should acknowledge her arrogance in almost everything- from thinking that Elaida wasn't a 'true' threat to telling herself that Moiraine Damodred wasn't a 'true' lover when both ideas were so demonstratively false as to be laughable in hindsight. Elaida loathed her the second their eyes met. Siuan's feelings for Moiraine came about in a similar timeframe.
The weave doesn't fail, but the White Tower rebels.
Creating a place of magic and teaching requires tremendous power and reliance on the old ways. Even the oldest and wisest in this generation still do not know how many features work. Moiraine and Siuan have used the Ter'angreal and other networks in both pursuing the Dragon Reborn and much more personal pleasures. However, there are still many mysteries that the tower holds, including its responses to challenges and Siuan herself.
"Are you okay, Siuan? You have gone pale, my friend."
Siuan hates that everybody, including her closest friends, monitors such things closely. She isn't even doing anything remotely tasking, merely designing some new patterns for the markings she was planning to get to commemorate her most recent incarnation and survival. Of course, this isn’t strictly necessary as she is no longer a girl from Tear that must follow such rules.
She doesn't have any particular talent for drawing and design, at least in comparison to the sisters and tower staff who do specialise in inscription. Still, she has the linework almost complete when the feeling strikes. The presence of magic suddenly reaches a heightened intensity, pressing against both her body and the weave that holds her ability channel. It feels like a heaviness against her ribs and numbness in her fingers and toes.
"Unconventional means brought me back to life and the one power; it is not surprising that there are growing pains as my body seeks balance with the source of magic and strength." Siuan says with a fleeting smile.
"I could always rely on you to be practical and avoid flights of fancy; we were similar in that way, even when you became the Amyrlin Seat. Don't disappoint me. Are you going to faint? Do you need help getting back to the chambers?" Alanna asks sharply, standing in preparation.
"Can we just sit here for a while? If things get worse, we can find Nynaeve. I think I may have pushed things a little bit." Siuan hates admitting such weakness.
"Of course. We can sample the fruits and nuts the cooks are experimenting with while you ask me the question that has been on your mind for days. The mask of the Amyrlin Seat is an impressive one, and something you will never lose, but we were getting into similar trouble decades before such efforts became necessary." Alanna prods, nudging her shoulder gently.
Siuan stares in wonder at the woman who has become a close friend in this new phase of their lives. The Green Sister is starting to train the next generation of warriors with a far greater focus on maintaining peace rather than actively intervening in conflicts, which is only possible without the looming efforts of Darkfriends. There are still many ways for Greens to serve a purpose, especially since all Ajahs wanted to protect themselves after experiencing so many losses and betrayals during the schism. Even the Browns, Grays and Whites are amending their strict guidelines.
"How can I succeed in a new life when every moment of my previous one was built around a singular purpose, plan and place? What if I have no talent left to fill the pages of an epilogue or a postscript? Alanna Mosvani, what does a general do with no battle to fight and a body that is no longer reliable or relatable?" Siuan asks, her voice whispering the confession.
"I have faith in the girl who supported her father when the fish stocks dried up, who stood firm when mocked for daring to enter the White Tower, and who risked everything to find the Dragon Reborn. Generations of Green Ajah and Warders will ask the same questions, to varying degrees of success. If you didn't expect to live past something appropriately named the Last Battle, you would be lost; it is only human." Alanna encourages.
"Will you offer me hand if I stumble, like you did in endurance training, when everybody but you was gasping for air?" Siuan asks, managing a trembling smile.
***
Art becomes a passion and a way to ignore the changes.
The humming and irritation aren't so bad, provided she doesn't try to summon. Siuan has a new appreciation for her health and the work of the Yellow Sisters; she is not as dismissive of her symptoms anymore. However, there is a difference between general tiredness and going to Nynaeve with other symptoms that have to do with the presence or absence of magic. Siuan does not want to become an invalid while people hover and theorise.
"Lan, will you walk with me to the markets today? There is an artist there from the Fingers of The Dragon. I am hopeful that she will do this piece for me. At present, however, I do not trust my legs to take me that far, or the gossip in town to be discrete." Siuan asks before coming to stand beside one of her oldest friends.
al'Lan Mandragoran stays in the White Tower while Nynaeve finishes her teaching and healing shifts. The couple tend to split their time between their respective obligations. There is more freedom for all now that the White Tower no longer insists on a monastic life for the Sisters and those in training. He is a looming and legendary presence that inspires great awe. To Siuan, Lan is one of her most trusted friends.
"Of course. How long will we be gone for? Should I ask for additional cover?" Lan asks, falling into step beside her.
"Please don't. I am trying to live somewhat discreetly, and nobody will approach us in such a familiar place. We won't be longer than hour and will defintely be home in time for supper." Siuan promises, giving him a pleading look.
"Whatever you need, Siuan. It still brightens my heart to see you reconnecting with places outside the Yellow domain. It would be good to see old friends at the market; we never did manage to find the time when returning here in the past, nor the option for association with you for that matter." Lan replies teasingly.
"I imagine that would have something to do with the two of you stealing in here like thieves in the night and leaving well before even the earliest baker is at his oven. However, Moiraine used that training to spin the great tale of our estrangement with brilliance and grace." Siuan smiles sadly.
"The length of our stay and the clashes did not reflect our roots in this place.”
“You currently spend time with Thom, Lan. Now might be the time to sharpen your poetry skills and add another accolade for your adoring subjects. The two of you played the game beautifully. Nynaeve may appreciate you getting a new hobby; so put your love of language to some use. Let’s head out before the evening crowds form." Siuan insists.
"Perhaps.."
***
The fresh air and activity in the market are restorative but not miraculous.
The city surrounding the White Tower complex is almost as familiar to Siuan as the building itself. Lan takes her arm and doesn't give her a chance to protest. There is a comfort in having somebody with her who still walks and moves like a Warder. Thankfully, Lan doesn't comment on how heavily she leans on him or try to make small talk. The silence between them is comforting. There still exists a grief for the two men she lost who occupied that role.
Several stalls draw her attention before they reach the artist. Siuan enjoys seeing the change in season and fruit varieties. Impulsively she buys several of Moiraine's favourites. It has been a long time since she had the time or inclination to purchase something that did not have a practical purpose. However, the supply lines are slowly being restored after the war, bringing little luxuries such as sweets and silks.
"It took great bravery speaking to the new Amyrlin Seat as you did, humbling yourself twice but navigating your own path. When faced with the same challenge, few could do as you did, including myself- the famed warrior of myth." There is self-mocking in the tone.
"I didn’t have much choice; my pride died along with Elaida's first effort at victory. But, there was enough motivation to stand there, both the first and second time. We can debate our comparative bravery some other time, however, when your wife is no longer cross at us. Let's find a few gifts for her, even if she is pretends to be above such pursuits."
"It's okay to be afraid, Siuan. Recovering from injuries takes more than being let out of the sick ward. It takes small acts of bravery every day." Lan warns while moving them to a stall.
"I took my physical ability to move and my wielding of the one power for granted so many times, yet now it feels like an achievement to get through the week without needing a nap. Moiraine's mare is as stunning as her mistress, but I doubt Aldieb could handle two riders, especially one as ambivalent as me?" Siuan asks uncertainly.
"Are you doubting the endurance of a mare who counts champions as ancestors on both sides, Siuan?” a voice asks teasingly.
Moraine Damodred materialises beside them out of the crowd, taking even Lan by surprise. It must be strange for the tall man not to experience the bond. However, it would not be inaccurate to say that Moiraine was somewhat in disguise. The finery of her clothes leave little doubt that she is "of the tower" as the townsfolk say. However, she does little else to advertise her identity, sticking with a fine travelling cloak and simple hairstyle. The experienced Sister had likely followed them from the beginning of their travels. Siuan refuses to admit to the flickering connection between them.
***
"Will you come with me to get the piece done, assuming I can find an alternate artist who still respects the Sanche name and doesn't see me as a rebel."
They are back in Siuan's newly assigned guest quarters. Thankfully Moiraine doesn't insist on her seeking medical attention or comment on her feelings through their connection. The Blue Sister seems willing to trust her observations before escalating the matter. They are sharing some fruit and other food discoveries from the market. Siuan always finds Moiraine's presence comforting, even when it was frustrating at times during her early tenure as Amyrlin.
"If my chalk-white skin could hold such things, I would consider being next in line. However, I believe that the artist in question does work that is not culturally specific?" Moiraine asks casually.
"Any person worth their salt would not rely on the crafts of the old way to earn coin and respect. There are enough foolish lovers and patriotic sailors willing to start a new trend or two." Siuan gives her companion a sharp look.
Moiraine reaches out and starts tracing the visible points of Siuan’s tattoos, her eloquent fingers making notes of the most intricate details. Such a move feels brave, even in the comparative privacy of the bedchamber, but she does admit to needing rest. Few people could get away with such intimacy, but Moiraine made a habit of this during her infrequent visits and when they were Novices. Siuan never took for granted the wave of excitement that such movements inspire. It's a feeling she would rather focus on than the issues with her summoning.
"They looked more pleasing when my body wasn't so worn down, yet it works hard to keep me here, there is no denying that reality. This new artist should be up to the challenge or make the best of things..." Siuan whispers shyly.
"I will not have such talk from you, Siuan Sanche. Your body and its changes should be revered; survival and being willing to share the tale so that others may learn are the only things that matter. The artist will encounter a privilege, not a trial, my dearest friend." Moiraine's voice is hoarse with earnestness.
"Sometimes that is hard to believe, even with the most ardent champion. Be patient with me, please?" Siuan requests quietly.
Moiraine doesn't answer; instead pushing down the loose shirt and putting more tattoos on display, including the ones that Siuan got during Moiraine's many absences. While Siuan clears her throat and starts to explain what they mean to her and the artists who design them, her voice halts when Moiraine reaches her collarbones and shoulders. Moiraine stops and looks up, seeking permission to continue.
***
The situation gets both better and worse.
It saddens Siuan to realise that she doesn't have many duties here at the tower. The duties she did have were reassigned to other sisters long ago. The individuals she was mentoring either in the Blues or the Eyes and Ears Network were either dead or under someone else's tutorage. She has been a patient for the last few months; nobody ever comes to her for advice. Siuan wonders what her legacy will be. Moiraine always was better at leaving taking.
"It would not trouble me if you seek council from your bard before making final plans with me, Moiraine. He is an important part of your life, and rightly so."
One of their favourite topics is discussing plans about traveling and a new life, as well as connecting the former parts of their lives together. It's not going to be as simple as finding the nearest horse and leaving some notes. The Sitters want to discuss and debate her new role as a Sister who is not in their ranks formally anymore; there are still identity politics to consider even while people live in comparative safety.
"We have made our peace and arrangement. Our paths will meet again. One of the advantages of finding comfort with somebody who is nomadic is that they do not tend to place the same expectations of you as people living a conventional life. Of course, Thom has his duties and desires, especially when it comes to supporting the stabilising throne of Andor. We were never going to settle down in a cottage, so please, don't worry about that. I have learned how to present my life openly." Moiraine says comfortingly.
"You are talking to someone that has roots that are impossibly deep and doesn't have any talent for being truly nomadic. It may not be an easy adjustment, Lady Moiraine." Siuan points out, gesturing to the tattoos.
"Is it so different from the lives of a failed princess and fisherman's daughter finding a common cause? We did well even against those odds." Moiraine replies.
"I still regret having such little time together, and it took me nearly dying to bring us to this point. Neither of us was brave nor noble, despite the noble nature of our quest. Maybe that is what I am trying to capture with my new art, regret and hope." Siuan offers, giving her friend a sheepish smile.
"In our new lives we will have time, especially when making mistakes and during times of debate or disagreement. Even the most irritating day will be better for having you there, complete with all of your tangled roots. I have been to every corner of the world, roots with you will be wonderful, even in the most ordinary ways. For the record, I won't expect you to spend hours in a saddle."
Siuan is about to reply when she feels a sharp pain in her skull, radiating from the base and ratcheting up in intensity. Her version becomes blurry for a second, and she doesn't quite trust her limbs to hold her. Then, before she can cry out, it starts to fade—everything in her wants to ignore this and continue a lovely evening. Still, Nynaeve's firm instructions are ingrained; she must alert them if symptoms are new or debilitating. These moments, unfortunately, qualify.
"Moiraine, can you take me to see Nynaeve? I think something might be wrong." Siuan asks quietly.
***
Siuan Sanche tries not to lose patience.
"I refuse to be allergic to the place that was mine for close to a decade."
Siuan does her best to sound authoritative, but it's hard to maintain such a position when she is back in that large bed with Yellows taking her vitals. Luckily nothing is as urgent this time, and she feels strong enough to give her options to keep Moiraine from fretting at the door. Nynaeve doesn't seem overly concerned, but that alone doesn't give anything away.
"My husband spent many years denying that he was human; yet mortality caught up to him anyway. It is much the same in this situation. Stay there and let the healers do their work." Nynaeve's standard glare softens.
"Honestly, I'm coming to you more as a preventive measure. Something happens when I reach for power here in the White Tower; but there is no pain, illness or discomfort. I'm well acquainted with how my body fails me; complete the reports you make me keep." Siuan points out with a confident smile.
Nynaeve doesn't seem satisfied with this answer and runs through the same standard routine. It pleases Siuan to note that her muscles are stronger, and her stamina is improving along with her grip strength. There is something important about being able to face someone directly when they greet you, especially when playing the role of diplomat for so long. Power comes from presenting yourself as strong physically.
"The White Tower is first an institute of learning, but also a product of the magic and artifacts it possesses. There may be ley lines that your newly recovered power is disrupting. The question is, how far will you push this disruption? Is it the same as a new sister taking vows with the Oath Rod? Or is this complication more reminiscent of your unique illness?" Nynaeve muses speculatively.
"I barely have enough power to move a single object; how did I manage to snare a tripwire? Is this going to affect Moiraine?" Siuan asks worriedly.
"I don't know the answer to those questions so let me do the research, just like last time. Then, Moiraine can explain things her way, complete with vague responses." Nynaeve insists with a gesture towards the door.
Siuan leans back into the pillows, trying not to confront the younger woman. Nynaeve moves around the room with absolute confidence, directing students and assistants alike. Siuan takes a deep breath, picking a focus point on the opposite wall, a featureless artwork of a generic scene. The touch is light, but she doesn't focus on that aspect.
"Will you let Moiraine in, please? She will wear down the carpets out there if she doesn't get some direct information soon. Would you mind if I stayed here for a little while? I feel fine now, but it makes sense to avoid stumbling back here if my body starts playing tricks again.”
Nynaeve blinks in surprise at the common sense coming from her most difficult patient. She nods quickly before moving to let Moiraine in and summoning one of her assistants. Moraine is careful to keep the smile on her face, but Siuan can see the worry that the other woman is struggling to hide. Siuan reaches out her hand, and Moiraine rushes forward, not bothering to hide the tremble as she tangles their fingers together.
***
"I have fond memories of sneaking into these gardens with you. My knees were in better condition then, though, if not my common sense."
"I know which one I value more highly, but that is not something that a fisherman's daughter should say too loudly. Is my strange new affliction keeping you awake too?"
Moiraine Damodred is a midnight visitor. Siuan cannot resist the urge to smile.
Siuan isn't in her bedchamber like in the old days, with Moiraine sneaking her food from the kitchen. Instead, Siuan finds comfort in strolling in the garden away from the tower and unsettling the traction to her growing magical presence. Gareth used to talk about how much tension ex- soldiers had when entering places that triggered memories of war or trauma. For a second, she wishes he was here to discuss the invisible scar that “The Last Battle” left.
Her psychological relationship with the tower is changing as well. The gardens are peaceful at night, with a few lizards and night birds hunting for their food. Yet, a small part of her is afraid to reach out and confirm the situation. A problem with the oldest form of magic may be beyond even the most current Yellow brilliance. Although she has denied the Yellows' requests to give her psychological guidance for the last few decades, she somewhat regrets that decision.
"No, but the idea of you being out here worrying does; the touch on my mind is soothing rather than intrusive. Of course, it helps that Lan and I spent so much time together; our bond wasn't especially strong; it was different. You took the larger part of the risk with my wild idea." Moiraine reaches out and gently brushes their fingers together.
"It would be foolish to underestimate the fact that you are not going to have an option for a quieter life, Moiraine Damodred, even though self-sacrifice is your guiding virtue." Siuan gives her an arch look.
"Be that as it may, I will not regret an action that saved you from such a terrible fate and such pain. My soul bears many regrets, but never that...." Moiraine looks ready to expand on the point.
It's the fisherman's instinct that saves them both. There is something in the way the animals suddenly become silent; the sounds of these gardens are as natural to Siuan as breathing. People who rely on nature tend to know that creatures can be the first warning signs of trouble. She is aware of her motives before consciously making a decision. Moiraine is silent, having caught the change in her expression. There is a flickering movement in a distant branch.
Siuan is not strong, but she has the element of surprise on her side. She pushes Moiraine back into the grass behind the larger trees. Not a second later, a sleek arrow buries itself in the ground where they were standing. There are runes on the shelf that glint in the moonlight. Siuan tries to commit the details to memory, knowing that Alanna and the others will insist on knowing the finer points of the attack. Moiraine tenses beneath her, but doesn't move.
"What do you think you are doing?" Moiraine is sensible enough to hiss the question in her ear.
"Somebody is trying to shoot at us using rather crude but effective means. Chances were higher that you were the target." Siuan breathes in response, keeping her focus elsewhere.
"Were you planning to sacrifice yourself on my behalf, to save the stronger talent?" Moiraine sounds like she temporarily forgets the salient point in the conversation.
"Raise shields and get help! It’s just a warning shot, but we still need assistance." Siuan instructs calmly.
Moiraine's eyes flash in the dark, and Siuan knows she is in for a blistering lecture when they are back within the tower's walls. She could have shouted at Moiraine to raise her shields in hindsight, but the instinct to protect took over. Siuan stifles a gasp, feeling Moiraine's power this close, and when they have a connection it is a whole different experience. It's like diving into an icy river on the first day of spring or that first weave performed so many years ago. Siuan feels the spark within her start to follow the same path, seeking Moiraine's light.
In one way or another she has been seeking Moiraine's light decades, the quest simply more official now.
Chapter 7: Summoning Threats II
Chapter Text
"But so long as it turns, folk may hope, folk may care. For with light that fades, another will eventually grow, and each storm that rages must eventually die. As long as the Wheel turns. As long as it turns…."
"I think Siuan did the right thing under the circumstances."
There are so many things wrong with that simple statement that Moiraine can do little but gape at her friend. Naturally, Alanna has taken over the investigation of the arrow attack; even if anyone protested, she would have done it anyway. Moiraine meets her in one of the Green training rooms, where they can compare the arrowhead to others on the shelves. A notebook is open on the table, complete with her messy scrawl. It's good that somebody had the forethought to start here instead of panicking about the possibility of the Black Ajah returning.
"It stands to reason that from the angle that you were the likely target; a quick drop is almost as time-effective as raising a shield. This was likely a warning shot anyway." Alanna states before carefully moving the arrow to catch the light.
"She is barely out of the sickroom and hardly strong enough to move around the garden, much less play the hero." Moiraine fumes before starting a fresh round of pacing.
"Siuan Sanche is stronger than you think. You obsess over this because you weren't the one to play the hero. Like you weren’t here to save her when she was disposed and violently stilled and the countless threats before that. Your solution now is to dote on her like your favourite mare's first foal." Alanna says calmly.
"I..."
It surprises Moiraine as she feels the beginning of fresh tears. She is normally far calmer in situations like this and should be after she has carefully led Siuan back to safety with Nynaeve and Lan. However, Alanna must have caught something in her expression because she moves around the table and pulls Moiraine into a fierce hug. Her robes smell like a familiar mix of metal oil, horse and sweat. Moiraine rests her head on the taller woman's shoulder.
"It's not a bad thing to have the luxury to process your trauma rather than launch from crisis to horror, Moiraine. The tears won't do you any harm. Did it ever occur to you that Siuan felt the same level of frustration about not being able to help when you were in peril so many times?" Alanna asks against her ear.
"How do the mighty Green Ajah do it? Facing loss is almost an expectation in the execution of your duties, over and over again." Moiraine asks with genuine confusion.
"There is no magical formula; we talk about it, grieve and wail, sometimes struggle to rmaintain belief in the righteousness of the cause. Some never find their way out of a tankard, but most do in the end.” Alanna insists reassuringly.
"I have never been good with expressing my feelings, there is a reason Lan and I made such a good team. Thank you for putting up with me regardless." Moiraine admits softly.
"You’re welcome. Now, help me make sense of this arrow and these runes. So far they are mostly nonsense to me, but they must make sense to the attacker." Alanna gestures to the table.
Moiraine doesn't know what use she is in this room, but Alanna likes to think out loud, especially when working a theory. She has extensive knowledge of weapons and enjoys archery, but Moiraine notices that she hasn't enjoyed her previous hobbies much since the last battle. Maybe, in a bleak way, this investigation might do Alanna some good and aid her need to be of service and purpose. Sitting here taking notes is a good use of an evening.
***
"It's not like either of you has a short list of enemies."
Moiraine can't argue that point, but she doesn't think the senior Red Sister should express her opinion. But, of course, she is still in the mindset of all or most of her mission being completed covertly, not having the opinions of anyone, much less sisters she is in ideological opposition with. All she wants to do is take Siuan somewhere safe and hide. Thankfully, both Siuan and the Sun Throne taught her at least the basics of sitting through meetings.
"Yes indeed, some are even not several yards from this meeting room." Moiraine thinks but bites back a cynical quip.
"Thankfully, an equal number of them died along with many allies and friends. However, this attack feels different, the runes aren’t indicative of either DarkFriends or Black Ajah." Moiraine gives the older woman a sharp look.
"What are your current activities regarding the White Tower, Moraine Sedai?" The Blue Sitter asks.
There are so many people in the room and each has an opinion about the attack. The arrow in question has the attention of every Ajah. The story seems to take on different characteristics. Moiraine can only imagine what they are making of the liaison in the garden, but it doesn't matter. If these sisters can protect Siuan, then the boredom is worth it.
"I have been uncharacteristically transparent in my focus since my return. Healing Siuan Sedai remains where my attention lies… much to the displeasure of several people in this room. As a result, the White Tower and its current machinations are no longer mine to influence." Moiraine remains perfectly still.
"The separation isn't so simple, not with your decades of service. You are no longer in exile or even operating under that guise. This attack ties you to the duties and vows for a little while longer." Comes the curt reply.
"There is quite a difference between concealing information and having none to provide. Alanna Sedai has a detailed history of my movements, complete with observations from that day. Building the experimental weave and facilitating Siuan’s healing consumes all of my remaining time. There are several Yellow Ajah that can attest to those actions." Moiraine looks her questioner directly in the eye.
"We are working together on this investigation, Moiraine Sedai. Please return to us at the end of the week." There is a little peace offered in the third voice.
"As you wish. I am grateful to have ranks of sisters to draw from, as I was for the original undertaking.” Moiraine agrees with an incline of her head.
Moraine is rarely grateful for her life in the shadow of the Sun Throne. Her uncle was firm in his opinion that his brother's second family was an aberration. Still, there was no greater education in dealing with politics and navigating the thin rope of dealing with ambitious leaders. Yes, these people have proven their loyalty to the reunified Tower, but that doesn't mean there aren't dangers in plain sight. In a best-case scenario, at least one person sitting here finds them deeply objectionable.
"It's wonderful to have you back in the White Tower, Moiraine Sedai." A novice says sheepishly before rushing away.
Moiraine preferred when she was a ghost who didn't draw much attention.
For a moment, Moiraine misses the steady presence of a warder, but the soft company of Siuan and her increasingly strengthing magic is a comfort. They aren’t yet brave enough to explore that feeling fully. Siuan is firm on the point that she wants to recover and reach some point of stability before altering their bond. Sometimes Moiraine seeks out the connection to reassure her lover that she is still a strong and loving presence.
***
The attack is unlikely to be externally based, which isn't at all comforting.
The White Tower has taken little for granted since the schism. There are too many physical sweeps and magical check-ins for anyone to slip in unnoticed. No one is foolish enough to believe that they don't have enemies, but hopefully the worst are still gathering their forces in distant lands. The scouts and warders are as vigilant as ever in reporting even the slightest hint of discontent, especially in regions that are long-standing allies of the Aes Sedai.
"This attack is personal. If it had been ideological, there are figures in the White Tower with more influence and less protection." Nynaeve prepares her argument while they stroll back to the gardens.
"Unless the enemy in question was settling a historical score. Memories aren't so hazy that people don't recall a time when Moiraine and Siuan were the stewards for the Blue Ajah and leaders of the quest for the Dragon Reborn." Lan disagrees quietly.
"You make things sound a lot more poetic than they were, my friend. We are two people in leaky lifeboats in the middle of a storm." Moiraine quips as she glances between them.
"I don't remember that metaphor being part of your inspiring little speech to have us all leave the Two Rivers, Moiraine Sedai. We were gullible, weren't we? Even the legendary figures of the dark still surprised us in the end." Nynaeve favours Moiraine with an unreadable look.
"You were many things, Nynaeve al'Meara but gullible was never one of them. You were able to see right through my pretty words but still chose to protect your friends. It's one of the reasons you make such a good match for this one." Moiraine replies, gesturing to Lan.
"We can rehash the past later. These trees are not for archery, the angle is wrong and there are better vantage points where targets would be more vulnerable." Lan says, squinting up at the trees.
"I am way ahead of you, Mandragoran. Do you want to see the options from up here? A familiar voice asks from above them.
"No, because I no longer pretend to have the bones of a man half my age." Lan calls back.
All three look up to see Alanna perching in one of the many ancient trees with large branches and beautiful bark. Moiraine fondly remembers being young again and watching her most athletic friends perform similar antics. There is a faint trace of a weave in the air. Alanna has been trying to find evidence of any magical hints that will give them clues.
“If they were good enough to get into these grounds, then it’s unlikely they would have left any magical traces, especially with the covert weaving that the Black and Gray Ajah developed. What are you looking for?" Siuan squints up at her friend questioningly.
"They haven't done the basic efforts to conceal their tracks; there are broken twigs and spider webs up here. We might get lucky. Besides, the fresh air is doing me good." Alanna scrambles down the tree to land beside them.
"What have you found so far? Are the animals, elements or winds telling you anything?" Lan asks, glancing at the sky.
***
"At least it’s easier to track your movements since you have done nothing but a circle between the sickroom and gardens."
"Yes, not nearly as adventurous as we were in our younger days when I would chase you through some of the more obscure regions of this sprawling city." Siuan agrees quietly.
Lan makes the dry observation well, They all sit together, having a light dinner and discussing the current situation. Moiraine's oldest friend genuinely seems to delight in her time in the White Tower, but is furious over this attack and its implication. It takes the combined efforts of Alanna and Nynaeve to convince him that he couldn't lead the defence as a Warder anymore.
"Now is not the time for games. Have either of you been active in the network or its current intelligence?" Lan asks, giving Moiraine and Siuan searching looks.
"Lan, you know us better than that. Neither of us is of any use to the Tower any longer. We have no networks or alliances to use, much less receive information. Are you and Sitters in alliance for this one moment?" Moiraine asks drily.
"The list of people objecting to my actions hasn't decreased since first becoming a Blue Ajah. Neither of us have been active recently or activated any sources." Siuan reaches and grips his hand comfortingly.
"Then we need to start from the beginning and potentially with Alanna's least eccentric ideas. After that, a team will follow you both until I'm comfortable that the threat is eliminated. It goes without saying that your plans for leaving must be on hold." Lan gives an apologetic smile.
"You warriors will need to get between your wife and the Yellow Ajah. I wouldn't fancy their chances." Siuan accepts with a resigned sigh.
Moiraine glances at Siuan, seeing the faint sheen of tears in her lover's eyes. She feels a similar level of heartache. It's not specifically for the delay in their plans; what is a few more weeks or months after decades of waiting? Instead, the pain comes from having yet another obstacle, another enemy that seems set on disrupting their well-deserved peace. Moiraine moves closer, hovering near Siuan protectively. There is a delight in being able to express her feelings openly.
"We will meet here back here in the morning. Try to get some rest." Lan instructs quietly.
"Don't you dare sleep outside this door, Lan. Your bones are no longer strong enough to stay on the cold floor anymore if you are reluctant to climb trees." Moiraine leans over and gives him a firm hug.
"Rest assured, Nynaeve is already far ahead of you on that matter. The Warders hours were inhospitable to her at the beginning of our relationship and attempting to change that agreement would do me no good."
Moiraine feels nervous as they stand together in these long, empty corridors. The three of them have so many memories ending like this, with Lan wishing them a good night. Now that the lands are at what passes for peace, there are more certainties about tomorrow. Time with Siuan still feels like a novelty, especially nights when she doesn't have the terrible wracking cough and fever, but the memory of the sight will forever haunt Moiraine's dreams. For no reason at all, her once steady hands begin to shake.
"Why are you scowling like we are in for a night of extra chores and kitchen duty?" Siuan asks softly, tugging Moiraine's robe to get her attention.
"Somebody is trying to steal our time yet again. Even after we defeated the enemy that was tearing the fabric of the universe and tainting every weave. I can't lose you..." Moiraine whispers, unable to blink back tears.
"It's a little late in life to lament it not being fair. We are either living proof of the Wheel's whimsy or devotion, depending on how you perceive the chances of us being here now." Siuan wraps a comforting arm around her shoulder.
"Sometimes, I stay awake and listen to you breathing. Not in the way of an excited lover in the throes of devotion, but rather as someone with limited healing, trying to detect if there is any hint that my latest weave might be failing." Moiraine can only give a helpless, beseeching look.
"Hey, look at me, Moiraine. I'm not going anywhere, especially after days and weeks of enduring Nynaeve's rigorous tests. There is no need for such a vigil, but I love you for the effort." Siuan states, her words firm and unwavering.
Moiraine allows the taller woman to turn her around and meets her gentle gaze. Siuan reaches out and tugs Moiraine trembling hands until they both rest against her chest. Siuan smiles gently, letting Moiraine feel the steady breathing that so many Sisters worked to achieve. Such action may look incongruous to anyone walking by, but they are long past the days when being a spectacle mattered. Moiraine manages to muster a weak but genuine smile and her fingers still.
“Neither of us will be getting much sleep tonight, so I promise to wake you if the thoughts run away with me again.”
***
"Come to the baths with me. We both need something to do other than obsess over every little detail." Siuan declares forcibly.
Moiraine looks up from the book she is reading to regard the other woman but doesn't protest the suggestion. Siuan mercifully looks none the worse for wear despite their unexpected encounter. There is tiredness in the way she moves, but it's not the shuffle that marks the earliest weeks of her recovery. Instead, the bath has become something they do together, not for healing but for relaxing physically.
"That sounds lovely, did Nynaeve give you any firm instructions on the matter?" Moiraine asks as they head to the door.
"Not to draw the ire of people willing to use you and the heritage trees as target practice?" A third voice quips.
Moiraine smiles when she sees Nynaeve striding toward them. It would be tempting to say that she looks nothing like the village Wisdom, but that wouldn't be true. The younger woman always had an innate dignity about her. Her initial hatred of the Aes Sedai may have cooled into scepticism from within, but she will always be slightly apart under the guidance of her beloved foster mother and mentor in listening to the wind.
"We will endeavour to do so for the reminder of our time here. The patrolling and wards are almost subtle." Siuan compliments with a trace of her old authority and command.
"Did you expect them to be anything else with Alanna and Lan devoting every waking hour to the effort?" Nynaeve agrees with satisfaction in her voice.
"There was a time when this tower was subject to thousands of arrows without such investigation." Siuan grumbles almost reflexively.
"Don't you dare start trying to find our old escape routes. I will trace each one and inform every warder, complete with maps. You know that my mother taught me how and it’s a skill I've retained, Siuan Sedai." Moiraine stares at her fiercely.
"You make it sound like I never got into any trouble without you at my side. Still, I am not going to put anything at risk. Least of all, how hard you both worked to keep me here. There are worst confinements than this place, especially for someone like me." Siuan promises solemnly.
"Have a good evening." Nynaeve offers a firm nod.
Siuan reaches and holds out her hand as they enter what has become their private bathing space. Unfortunately, it's one of the smaller ones that is sometimes temperamental and doesn't offer the same comforts. Nobody feels the urge to follow them. It feels wonderful to see the little ways that Siuan is gaining strength as she moves through the water. Her muscles are slowly strengthening under diligent care.
***
"When are no longer under curfew you will show me more of your favourite swimming spots, Daughter of the River." Moiraine declares.
"One body of water is much like another, Moiraine. I won't be able to offer such luxuries as the Tower provides or even our networks. However, there are a few gems that remain relatively undeveloped, if you and your beloved mare can handle some longer hikes." Siuan agrees easily enough.
"That sounds agreeable."
Moiraine is careful not to get too sentimental when mentioning things in the future, now that there is that cloud of uncertainty, another storm on the horizon. After so many years, they were too practical not to realize that even the most beloved plans can sometimes change. Siuan, in particular, will revert to strategic thinking as a default, planning for survival and safety above all else. Therefore, she needs to tread carefully with such claims.
"Are you trying a new scent mixing hobby now that we are no longer saving the world, Lady Damodred?” The words are teasingly affectionate.
Moiraine looks up with a surprised smile while still mixing the small bottles in the corner of the bath.
"Do you want to know something pathetic?" Moiraine asks, a faint blush tinging her cheeks.
"Always, especially if it gets such a reaction out of you, darling." Siuan insists with a chuckle.
Siuan is resting with her back against Moiraine despite the differences in their height. The former leader of the Blue Ajah is strong enough to complete her own personal care. However, it seems to comfort Moiraine to wash the familiar curls, so they continue the same routine with different mixes. The calluses on Moiraine's palms from years of fighting and writing are a familiar touch.
"I fell into the habit when I was missing you most fiercely, looking to replicate the particular blend you use in your hair, the one that Alric sourced for your from parts unknown. It became a useful distraction when time permitted." Moiraine whispers against her ear.
Now that she feels better, Siuan craves these small interactions with Moiraine, hearing the little stories between the grand adventures. Their communication during that time was cryptic by necessity, with only a handful of personal details when it was deemed safe enough. There is comfort in knowing that she was not alone in missing this companionship so fiercely. Moiraine wishes that she had been brave enough to put more on paper.
"Your secret is safe with me, but it was a fool's errand for Alric never to share the recipe. However he was far too busy saving the world and keeping me sane." Siuan reflects sadly, leaning further into the touch.
"We lost far too many bright lights in that war, far more than our grimmest estimates. I could almost bear the thought that we would not be reunited, but to lose you now would destroy me." Moiraine confesses with raw honesty.
***
They hide together in the cottage, in a useless use of magic.
"You know that they won't let us do this for long if the Sitters suspect tampering with magic." Moiraine says quietly with a lilt of sadness.
Siuan is getting strong enough to deal with the simplest magic, so they don't hesitate to start the porting. Moiraine takes the majority of the risk and difficulty. It still thrills her that they can still do these things together. Moiraine looks so achingly familiar in her nightwear and loose hair. Siuan feels nostalgic to think of their times as powerful Accepted and those times between the hunt for the Dragon Reborn. Yet this time, when they can be together, it feels better somehow.
"Who’s to say they aren’t protesting now? I still have some sway over the people in this place, even while being everyone's favourite experiment. Besides being our secret hideaway spot, this place is well known for its magical robustness." Siuan points out with a weary smile.
"I am still angry at you for being so reckless with your life. Alanna accurately pointed out that this could be a projection of fears from the past, when I could not save you." Moiraine explains softly.
"I am sorry for scaring you. I can't honestly say that I regret the split-second decision, but I do regret causing you pain. We have enough of that to last several turns of the Wheel." Siuan keeps her words light and gentle.
Siuan collapses onto the bed and they snuggle together against the ornate headboard. Moiraine enjoys the familiar smells and sounds that the magic can't quite conceal. It surprises her that Siuan has picked this presentation for their secret place. A part of Moiraine wants to ask if Siuan truly misses the idea of being a village wife or if it was an act of whimsy and folly. However, the bed is comfortable, and Siuan is safe, so little matters beyond that.
"One of my biggest faults is my singular focus. I viewed the Reds as an irritant rather than a threat. Why have the Two Rivers folk become so unexpectedly unmanageable? Why I think you are untouchable even with all the evidence to the contrary. Saving you became the next thing on my list." Moiraine begins, her tone thoughtful and careful.
"This had better not be the start of you blaming yourself for not managing every threat. We already had the conversation about you not being omniscient, even foreshadowing is imperfect." Siuan gives her a warning look.
"I am going to say something that borders on sentimental, but you will adjust to the notion." Moiraine warns before reaching to grasp their hands together.
"This place seems to be sturdy enough to contain such secrets even if my weaving isn't strong enough to reach the doorway." Siuan smiles encouragingly.
"I still believe that we did the right thing concealing the hunt for the Dragon Reborn, and the charade required of us still. However, it left me blind to the trials and tribulations that exist outside the realm of DarkFriends. It left me unable to see beyond the next quest. Next it was healing you, ramming respect down the Red's throat." Moiraine explains fiercely.
"We still need to discuss that foolish choice one day.." Siuan cuts in with an arched eyebrow.
"In all that time I don't think ever told you, without deception or wit, that I've loved you for most of my adult life, not in the way of Pillow Friends or any strange variation that this Tower can provide, just simply and selfishly. No quest will ever let me lose sight of that again, wherever we live during our new adventures. Time with you is all that matters. Even if we live in a tidy cottage or with bodyguards in this Tower, that is no longer ours."
"Despite all of our secrecy, I doubt that was ever a secret, darling."
"Then let me take some of the burdens; I will hold some of the load. We are stronger together in every way; let it be in this way, too. I never want to be on the other side of the world from you again, much less when your mind." Moiraine leans over and rests her head on Siuan's shoulder.
"I don't know how that would work, but we can certainly try something new."
Chapter 8: Summoning Threats III
Summary:
Inspired by the notes in:
This is How You Lose the Time War
Amal El-Mohtar
,
Max Gladstone
Chapter Text
"We Will Always Tell The Truth, It Just May Not Be The Truth You Think You'll Hear, So Listen Carefully."
Moiraine About The Aes Sedai:
Siuan Sanche takes pride in her control.
Her birth and circumstances have left her little room to cling to virtues. The life of a poor girl with the Spark was always uncertain, even if there was space in the White Tower, which in turn led to her ruthless leadership climb. Her mistakes, greed, and misdeeds both during that time and after mean that she can no longer live up to the ideals of the Blue Sisters. Part of the pact to find the Dragan Reborn at any cost involved changing the measuring sticks. The resulting schisms destroyed many of her remaining virtues.
"Siuan-Sedai is ill, but heed me, it is most conventionally. Half the Adepts and Sisters are in the same position." Nynaeve declares for her audience.
Nynaeve glowers at the small crowd gathering around the infirmary. The notion of their former leader coming down with a cold is noteworthy in these strange times. Siuan just wants to lay her head down and sleep for a week, but she has enough pride left not to quake like a Novice before their first test. Moiraine and Lan are in the doorway, both taking a protective stance. For a moment, it's possible to imagine them both as Warders.
"Do we need to consider..." a nervous Green asks.
"Is it possible.." another Yellow interjects.
"We need to appreciate that healing Siuan-Sedai of one ailment does not make her immune to all others, any more than a deer escaping a single hunter. What this patient needs right now is rest and quiet, unlike the ones down the corridor with wracking coughs and high fever." Nynaeve makes a shooing gesture that only few can carry off convincingly.
al'Lan Mandragoran may have fallen in love with the young village leader who has such a fierce devotion to her friends. The Spark within her was destined for leadership and strength. Nynaeve commands the healers as well as her husband does the soldiers. It pleases Siuan that her instincts still hold from that fateful day in the Meeting Hall. A lifetime of service awaits them both, even in peace time, but at least Lan and Nynaeve can be together.
"I am going to stay with her. Thom is returning with a sick Warder who pushed his limits at the outskirts of the city. " Moiraine states it as fact rather than asking a question.
"Wonderful. More beds to find and extra misplaced pride to overcome. Well, at least being in the room you will be useful here, instead of out there plucking at your weaving bond like it's a loose tooth. Lan would prefer to have the two of you in the same room anyway." Nynaeve waves her hand in a dismissive gesture.
Siuan summons a genuine smile when Moraine enters the room. The aristocratic features draw together in fierce concern. She is scanning Siuan for further signs of injury beyond the common cold. The former leader wishes she was in better robes, with her hair in its former intricate patterns. The best she can do is reach for the small, pale hand that is closest to her.
"Come and tell me of Alanna's investigations into the trees or even what your sisters are doing this social season. Is your youngest nephew still showing signs of Spark?" Siuan asks, drawing on the first topic that springs to mind.
"I asked the kitchen to bring you some soup and fresh bread. We will have a light meal together."
***
"You are an abomination, destroying who we are."
Siuan feels a sense of relief even though the magical words linked to her presence are an indirect threat. It takes a level of mystical connection to sense the brief ephemeral reading; but before she can send out the alert, they are gone. The ancient stone of the White Tower looks ordinary in its magnificence. Siuan runs a hand over the rough surface, but there is not a single trace. There is only the presence in her mind.
"Siuan, are you feeling okay? Should I summon Nynaeve to attend you?" Lan asks while moving to her side.
Siuan makes an instant decision not to alert her friends, minders or guards to the situation. There are limited scenarios that fit this picture, none of them is good, but trouble does come in degrees. If the words are indeed a warning, then she will heed them as such. If this is instead her overtaxed mind playing tricks, then that is a separate but no less troubling matter. The Yellow Sisters have expressed concern about the toll on her mind. Nobody knows the origins of the sickness or any of its side effects.
"Marriage to the woman should give you more sense than that, Lan. She will not appreciate leaving a sick bed for my brief chill. My magic is still settling, weaker than a spring lamb, but it's there. Would you please escort me to the library?" Siuan asks before shaking her head to clear it.
"Of course. Moiraine should be ready find us after her meetings with Leane." Lan answers easily enough.
"Which means the two of you will conspire to hover over me and watch my every step?" Siuan questions with an affectionate smile.
"Surely you would do the same if the roles were reversed, my friend?" Lan asks while still scanning the halls as if assessing for threats.
"No, Lan. It was my role to send you all out into the world and hope that it was the right decision. I was waiting for scraps of confirmation from Lady Alys or any other of our many allies. Most of those decisions still haunt me." Siuan confesses with a sad smile.
"The rose petal floats on water.
The kingfisher flashes above the pond.
Life and beauty swirl in the midst of death" Lan quotes the words sadly.
Lan keeps a protective hand at Siuan's side. Normally such gestures would be irksome, but at that moment she is willing to lean into the touch.
***
"We may never return to past glories. You embody corruption.”
These words appear on the trunk of a sturdy oak when she is out doing physical therapy with Alanna. Siuan never goes anywhere without one of Green Ajah's most trustworthy members, which is likely a conspiracy between Moiraine and their old friends. The more concerning fact remains that Alanna doesn't sense the magic. The Green Sister is one of the most astute people in the White Tower.
"Do you need a break, Sanche? Your legs are trembling." Alanna states neutrally.
"No, I'm fine. Let’s keep going; my having a minor chill has set everybody back to fussing over me like the prize catch used to fatten the king's purse. At least your warriors know the importance of recuperation." Siuan turns her attention away from the tree.
"Does Moiraine wish to bring back the old noble tradition of keeping their beloved wives, mistresses or concubines in a secure and secret place?" Alanna teases before guiding her through several additional exercises.
"Moiraine knows better than to even suggest such a thing. She is overly concerned with hoping that the healing weave won't fail. The attack was terrible timing, but of course that was the point." Siuan proclaims before returning her attention to the stretches.
"Then we will finish the sequence before it gets too cold. There is no sense in rattling the chest any further. You are doing well, we will start jogging next week, depending on what the scouts say." Alanna reveals softly.
Siuan cautiously shifts her weight to both legs; her bad hip will always protest any movement, but it is manageable. Alanna takes her through a basic stamina routine, bending each of the joints, all the while watching for changes. Siuan grits her teeth against both the strain and the idea of somebody or something observing her vulnerabilities.
"Now lean forward, press your heel down." Alanna instructs without taking her eyes off the foot placement.
Siuan isn't entirely sure what happens next; her weak ankle and hip suddenly give out, and she crumbles to the floor before either woman can react. She stays on the grass for a second, trying to regain her sense of balance. Alanna gracefully sinks next to her, eyes bright with concern and fear. Siuan hates that her health is such a fear for these normally strong and stoic people. Alanna runs a light hand over the limb in question.
"We are not under attack; no need to summon your guards. My hips give out regularly, I should have known better than to follow your rehabilitation routine, Mosvani." Siuan tries to joke.
"And I should have known the limits," Alanna confesses, frowning.
"This reminds me of all of those times you wore us all out during training runs. Leane was the only one who could keep up with you; I'm crediting her long arms and superior ball skills. But, you were adaptable for us scholars." Siuan smiles as she moves to sit up carefully.
"We lost too many of those graduates to the wrecking of the world. Was there anything else I could have done to protect those young idealistic Sisters, Accepted or the countless Warders in training? Don't frighten me like that again, Sanche," Alanna whispers almost to herself.
"I'm am suffering from nothing more than foolish pride, Alanna. You are now, as then, doing the best for all us." Siuan is startled to see tears in her eyes.
"I can't add you to the list of losses, too few of us remember the place and people that used to be. The wheel weaves as the wheel wills." Alanna's recitation is rote but also bitter.
"In all those years we became too reliant on you to absorb all of our agonies." Siuan reaches out to clasp their hands together.
"Somebody needed to make sure you two got into the right kind of trouble."
Siuan feels a fierce surge of empathy. Alanna is always ready with a joke or moment of wisdom. Yet, she remains solitary without her two lovers and closest companions. The aftermath of the Last Battle means that there is more than ever for the Ajah leaders to achieve. Alanna-Sedai is looking for a distraction, and everybody and their overeager Novice is willing to oblige her with endless tasks.
Siuan will not let these strange words hurt any of her people.
***
"There is no disorder or dishonour in joining so many others in death for the cause."
Siuan has to give her tormenter credit; it takes a special touch to weave visible words out of the steam in a largely private bathing pool. Thankfully Moiraine is not there yet; it would be harder to hide these from her. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the weaving skill to follow the trail and doesn't even try, not wanting to draw Moiriane's attention. Siuan feels vulnerable but draws herself up with as much dignity as possible.
"Thom will leave a trail of broken young Novices with all of his catchy folk songs. He promises to be back before next season and pledges to learn some more Tear favourites for you." Moiraine announces, sweeping into the room with false cheer.
'How are you feeling?" Siuan asks quietly.
They are careful not to discuss past or current lovers, but Thom fits somewhere in the middle. He isn't leaving so much as following the breeze, new songs and obligations with the Andoran Throne. Moiraine moves quickly to undress and slip in the water, wading over to where Siuan is lounging. There are no more disturbances or messaging. Thom has returned to the Tower with the sick warder.
"Our paths will cross again. Thom has obligations to meet in his home court like I have here. The inner workings of the White Tower will always disturb him, but he has found some peace with what happened to his relatives." Moiraine explains with a smile.
"It still doesn't mean that you can't miss the long distances, especially when the companion in question does not value letter writing." Siuan insists gently.
"No, and I would tell you if my heart needs mending, but that is not the case." Moiraine smiles again.
"It will be something of a luxury to believe you after our many years of talking in code and using double speak. In our meetings through the years, I believe you were the master of saying "I am well" while enduring a thousand torments." Siuan says drily.
"For that, you can blame both Elaida's teachings and credit Lan's stoicism. It was an easy way to further the division between the young Amyrlin Seat and her most wayward and notorious daughter. You, however, took it to extremes why trying to die quietly alone." Moiraine insists archly.
"Moiraine..."
Siuan trails off when Moiraine leans forward and rests her head in the water, clearly wanting to relax into this space that is theirs alone. She will be seeking some level of forgiveness for that miscalculation for the rest of her natural life. On the topic of Thom, whatever their future relationship, they will have private ghosts. The pain is something that will always exist.
"Did you notice these scents, Sanche? I made the combination for your chest and head, don't even pretend that it isn't pounding." Moiraine insists before letting out a long sigh.
It takes Siuan a second to smell the mix of flowers, rare but not too overpowering. She is not an expert in such things, but the blends take time to source and create. With everything going on, including the threats, she doesn't expect Moiraine to keep up this new fascination. Moiraine doesn't leave the White Tower without an escort from Alanna.
"Alanna inspects all the packages, wasting time and effort, but it makes her happy. There is nothing in this mixture beyond hope. Nynaeve is sceptical about the benefit, but she doesn't see the harm either." Moiraine reports as if reading her mind.
"It’s lovely. Thank you for talking the trouble." Siuan works around the tightness in her throat.
****
"You are the taint, that so many sisters worked and died to purify."
The words and shapes are getting briefer with every appearance. It must be taking considerable energy to keep up such subtle magic. Siuan is frankly getting a little tired of this. She heard much of this before during the frantic days leading up to her Stilling. The words are hurtful, but not so deeply anymore, more like a persistent bee sting or fish hook through the foot.
"What was that?" A curious voice asks from behind her.
Siuan was so busy tracking the message that it didn't occur to look out for potential witnesses. Her new shadow, the little girl Rajial, sees her as something of an unofficial mentor. Siuan did nothing to encourage this, but at least the girl is making it through her first trials without running away. She takes a few seconds to gain her composure before turning to face the curious child.
"What did you see or feel?" Siuan asks briskly.
"Nothing much. The clouds took on a strange shape for a second, you were so still I thought they must mean something. The Yellow Sisters are worried about you." The child is curious and doesn't seem willing to leave.
"We will have to talk about the Yellow Sisters and their gossip. Watching out for my health or the workings of any Sisters isn’t your concern. There is plenty to fill your days and nights if you are wise. Did you complete your chores for the day?" Siuan asks, sounding like one of her teachers.
"Of course. I learnt that lesson after the first strapping from the Mistress of Novices. Aside from all that, I will need my hands in working order if I leave this place after the next round of testing." Rajial informs her pragmatically.
"I wouldn’t blame you, as I had similar thoughts being a Fisherman's daughter. There was nothing in the air except a stray weave. You will get familiar with that happening, especially with so many people coming and going from different schools. Now let me walk you back to the library, we both have some studying to do before the next bell." Siuan gestures vaguely in the correct direction.
"No thank you. There are enough insults about me without being a teacher's pet. I keep finding you in all the quiet spaces." The child complains softly.
"They were mine long before you were born, and many more uncertain Novices before that. The White Tower is famous for much, including its quiet spots. Come, while we walk I will tell you some of my favourites. There will be few of your peers to track us, much less comment.
"I am going the opposite way when we reach the hallway. The Sisters who follow in your shadows are intimidating. It’s better to stay away from their reach or notice." The comment is direct and serious.
"I will do my best to aid your anonymity request, but there may be a time when such notice isn't a bad thing." Siuan offers as they begin walking slowly towards the main building.
Rajial seems willing to accept the comment.
***
"The disgrace that binds you will not destroy our foundations."
Siuan feels a surge of anger at the invasion of her privacy. These words appear on the ceiling of her chambers. Moiraine sleeps silently beside her, vulnerable and defenceless. The words disappear from the stones in the space of a sharp breath. Siuan turns and pulls the other woman closer, protectively. It doesn't help that tonight ended in embarrassing failure. They were working towards renewing a physical relationship and the connection it brings.
Siuan is physically well enough and the passion still burns fiercely. However, it is like learning the steps of a familiar dance again; all the sensations are comforting. Still, her pain flares up unexpectedly, and Moraine pulls away with a frown. Things deteriorate from there as the other woman switches into caregiving mode almost instantly. Passionate hands become thoughts of a healer or Wisdom.
"Oh Siuan, Did I hurt you?" The question is anxious and breathless, not in a good way.
"I am not a fragile flower in winter, Moiraine; stop looking at me like a midwife who is about to lose another woman to childbed fever. I will be fine in a few moments." Siuan knows that humiliation sharpens her tongue unfairly.
"There is no hurry or pressure. We will wait until you are feeling better." Moiraine insists soothingly.
"What if ‘feeling better' never comes, and my body still reacts painfully?" Siuan challenges harshly while pulling away further.
"Then we will work through those limits together and find different elements of pleasure. There is nothing wrong with that or how we feel about each other." Moiraine insists while pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"You will not carry the title of my nursemaid for our remaining years, Moiraine." Siuan hisses angrily.
"No, I won't, but there is no need to solve these problems in one session; lie with me." Moiraine instructs before gesturing to the bed.
Siuan shakes her head firmly to clear it both of the immediate embarrassing memory and the lastest message. Moiraine Damodred has changed much over the years, but a few enduring traits remain. She can sleep anywhere if she feels safe, warm and with no immediate threat to the Dragon Reborn, Blue Ajah or the people she loves. Siuan leans down and presses a reassuring kiss to her lips.
Sneaking out this way is both a relief and regret.
***
"We agreed not to keep secrets from each other, Siuan."
Of course, it's no surprise that Moiraine follows her to her private space; the faint lingering of the oldest magic still lingering in the air and senses. The path was easy to follow. Siuan leaned into the magical comfort, even if the other woman was cross and fretful. Somehow Moiraine looks every inch the noblewoman, even while wrapping a shawl around shapelessness nightwear. Siuan will always take the time to appreciate the little moments.
"Secrets have been our currency for more than twenty years, Moiraine. So I didn't want you to worry until there was definitive evidence of the attempt and the reckless but skilful weaving." Siuan pauses untangling some rope.
"I was referring to you leaving our bed because of perceived 'failings'. Now it appears my words were more apt than I initially thought..." Moiraine exclaims cautiously.
"That must be a feeling that is familiar to you, Lady Moiraine Damodred." Siuan quips while smiling tenderly.
Siuan takes a deep breath before turning to face her dearest companion, gesturing for them to sit. Thankfully it doesn't seem like the intruder has the power, desire, or means to reach them by mixing old and new magic. The respite may be short, but at least there is peace in the place that means so much. Moiraine is staring at her patient, waiting for further explanation.
"If the matter were that simple, my pride wouldn't allow me to retreat. Unfortunately, bodily failings are an almost constant companion at this point; mortifying but manageable. It seems that our attacker is being more inventive with their methods, if not the messaging. It's a skilful weave… harnessing magic into words takes a light touch.
"We will return to your first point, but why I am only hearing of this now? Why doesn't Alanna have legions of Greens around every corner? " Moraine questions with growing alarm.
"It is passive magic. Alanna has people physically watching us, and our bond alerts you to weaving interference. So there was more to gain by letting them throw insults at me if they weren't escalating into direct threats of violence. Manipulating the elements like that is an old Eyes and Ears trick that fell out of favour some years back." Siuan explains calmly.
"By the Light, Siuan. If the next words out of your mouth involve a fishing metaphor with you as bait for the prey, I will weave a shielding concealment barrier so strong…" Moiraine straightens her spine rigidly, even while half asleep.
"Let's leave aside the personal gain theory. I learnt that lesson from your passionate lectures on the topic, complete with details from the last 20 years of our association. I was working to put the pieces together so we could work things out before the threats became real.
"What aspect of an arrow missing us by a hair's breathe is passive, Sanche? We need to reconsider such definitions." Moiraine leans further, trying to reign in her temper.
"Somebody from within is angry at your efforts to save me. There is too much anger in this person. They are taking the responsibilities of the Sisters and the White Tower away from true meaning and purpose." Siuan explains quietly.
"Do you think that one of the Greys or Whites is angry at my deviations and what we represent? Their need for order does come before everything else." Moiraine asks, trying to puzzle out the problem.
"More than that, I may have a name, or at least a short list. We are paying for another of my mistakes as Amyrlin Seat, not seeing how many ways in which the ties between the Aes Sedai would fracture. The pattern broke into many unknowable pieces while we were too busy looking at the bigger picture." Siuan confesses with a weary sigh.
"One day I will convince you that being a leader doesn't mean you are responsible for every possible mistake or misstep. Now, tell me who you think may be responsible for this and we can take the steps together." Moiraine declares firmly.
"I am stronger and better for having you at my side. I was even before you bent the laws of magic and time for me. We won't waste the last of our time." Siuan seals her remark with a long kiss.
Chapter 9: Summoning Threats IV
Chapter Text
"And it shall come to pass, in the days when the Dark Hunt rides, when the right hand falters and the left hand strays, that mankind shall come to the Crossroads of Twilight and all that is, all that was, and all that will be shall balance on the point of a sword, while the winds of the Shadow grow.
-From The Prophecies of the Dragon translation believed done by Jain Charin, known as Jain Farstrider, shortly before his disappearance."
― Robert Jordan, Crossroads of Twilight
"You created a monster at the worst possible time."
Moiraine Damodred rises as if to protest the term, her tiny frame seeming impossibly intimidating even amongst the senior Aes Sadai and their support structures. Siuan is glad that she brought everyone together for this discussion, or less Moiraine would loose the thread of focus. Her beloved believes that Siuan deserves all her attention now that there is no longer a quest for the Dragon Reborn. This discussion isn’t going to thrill her.
"Listen to what she has to say before rushing in to defend your lady love, Moiraine." Lan murmurs from the doorway.
"Our generation of Aes Sedai are accustomed to the breaking of the world. The people like Moiraine, you and I were fast-tracked to taking the shawl after three years. Not to mention the lighting pace of those who came after us with the Two Rivers folk." Siuan gives Nynaeve a weary nod.
"Yes, the great pressures of war time; everybody needed to work through the torment." Alanna waves her hands impatiently, waiting for the point.
"Have you ever considered what this means for sisters who believe in the orthodoxy? Who has dedicated decades to the prophecies and tenants of the old ways? Not to mention those particular orders losing over half their membership by believing in the DarkFriend's logic." Siuan repeats several of the points she initially gave Moiraine.
"and this involves cryptic messages and an arrow shaft; how? We are still going to talk about you concealing that from me by the way." Alanna with a tone that is still cross.
"Moiraine and I be couldn't more obvious figureheads for the frantic pass of change if we tried. As Amalyn Seat, there were consecutive years when I completely ignored pleas from the Grays to reconsider the pace of change. Despite my efforts to be neutral, the other Ajah were much more effective at gaining my attention." Siuan says ruefully.
"So that is enough to drive one of them mad?" Alanna scoffs with disbelief
"Sick with a lack of path or direction rather than true insanity. The Yellows have been working on illnesses and trauma of the mind, even before the Last Battle. Isn't it conceivable that is we are destroying some tenants of the Greys and Whites, that this could push them further?" Siuan asks Nynaeve.
"I don't have particular skills in such traumas, but your explanation makes sense; it makes me sick to think that my fellow healers could have missed such a disintegration." Nynaeve frowns as if deep in thought.
"You can't catch everything, especially with Sisters who have expertise in concealment."
***
There are names on the list.
"This could be important, Suian. To the best of your knowledge, these two sisters didn't have a personal falling out with you. Either as a member of Eyes and Ears or as Amalyn?" Alanna is not doing a poor job of hiding the battle lust in her voice.
"The Greys and Whites are experts at not leaving an impression. Typically, everything that they wanted to say was conveyed through the leadership. Ruelyn and Windan were part of several delegation towards the end, when Elaida was making her power move." Siuan does her best to pull the fragile memories together.
Alanna Mosvani is on a trial. Their dearest friend has a firm sense of duty and needs the distraction from her grief and despair. But, as with many Amalyn Seat, Siuan cannot say that she understands the Greys and Whites that well; all but a few members were prominent, even before the split. She misses her role as leader, a part of her is grateful not to take on the duties of restoring the divisions.
"What about you, Moiraine? Do you think there is any possibility that they knew about your relationship and fake 'estrangement'?" Alanna turns her attention to the noblewoman.
"You know well enough that I was neglectful of the powerplays within the White Tower. As a result, the Grays and the Whites tend to avoid me at all costs. The mutterings about our relationship never became specific enough for concern." Moiraine sounds as if she is cross with herself for the failing.
"Unfortunately, many of us can make that same claim or set of circumstances. However, it does make one sister a more likely suspect than the other, based on some obscure writing in the library. There were firm opinions about relationships, duty and devotion." Alanna holds up a scroll in triumph.
"Oh, wonderful, it is like dealing with Elaida with even fewer social skills, if such a thing is possible." Moiraine lets out a groan of pure frustration.
"Not precisely; let me connect with the guards who were n rotation last month. In the meantime, don't try and ditch the guards to decide to find a stream to refresh your fishing skills, Siuan. We worked hard on the parameter, especially the archways." Alanna gestures to the stairways and pillars.
" I have long been a creature of these halls, My friend. However, the novelty of moving without pain and fatigue is such that I can still in enjoy the limits within your boundary. So, we won't go to sea or cast any nets before visiting Tear." Siuan spares her companion a smile.
"I'll ensure that our charge will tread safely." Moiraine says firmly
***
"How does your weaving feel, Siuan? Do you see any more of the messages?"
Their bond is growing and settling into a light and strong presence in the back of their minds. As Siuan's spark grows, it naturally gravitates towards the stronger source of the One Power. The former leader starts from the beginning with her training, but the Yellows are supportive and come up with exercises to push the limits without pain.
"Are we going through this conversation again, Lady Moiraine? Our sad tormentor has the message across with the arrow." Siuan promises again.
"I am not going to let anyone take you away from me, not when we spent so much time apart," Moiraine fiercely says with a tremble.
"Whoever our latest nemesis is, I think you have done a good job of proving your devotion. Besides, as somebody who has been the subject of assassination attempts and stilling, I believe this action is the result of pain rather than true intent." Siuan insists not the first time.
"I have seen the shaft; there was nothing fake about that arrowhead, high, quietly and skilfully wielded." Moiraine argues her role in this debate.
"If the people are as senior as I predict, they would be able to kill us if that was the strict motivation, especially when my weakness is a matter of public knowledge and the record. The intent and impulse is to change the direction and champion their sense of expertise and purpose. " Siuan is confident in this hypothesis.
"That's not remotely comforting but I see your point."
"Let's head to the library and watch the classes with the Brown Sisters. I know you are curious about the latest class teaching with Mother's new structures. Would you like to spy in all but name?" Siuan asks challengingly
"There are worse things to occupy and afternoon, you were my favourite classmate back then, and I can't see that changing now that we wear different robes and faces." Moiraine weaves their hands together.
"I think Alanna would approve of us remaining in public spaces." Moiraine agrees readily enough.
Siuan must smile when she focuses on the connection and weaving that is strengthening between them. For so long, their relationship was fragile and broke like a cheap fishing line. Yet, spending time together in the halls of the White Tower feels so ordinary and remarkable simultaneously. Moiraine no longer represents loneliness and tension but is more of a solid, three-dimensional woman, complete with small details and everyday routines.
"Wherever our lives end up, we need to incorporate moments like this, going for long or small walks and reading together. We didn't do nearly enough of this when we were younger." Siuan insists with a wistful laugh.
***
"I need you to keep Moiraine off the trail. She is too obvious, and her magic lights up like a yuletide fire, especially for Ajah will any skill.
Alanna materialises at her side in the garden. Her cloak seems to blend into the background, which is disconcerting after the archers. Still, she smiles when her close friend falls into step beside her. There are more sisters following at a distance.
"You have great faith in my ability to persuade the lady in question. Moiraine is legendary for her stubbornness in finding a quest." Siuan shrugs her shoulders while giving her friend an incredulously.
Siuan regards her old friend critically. So many Sisters bear the scars of the Last Battle, on the inside, outside or both. There are limits to what the Yellow Sisters can do, even with the expanding weaves and new ways Nynaeve teaches others to heal. Alanna is characteristically stoic, but the pain is deep. This latest challenge is giving her purpose, but that won't last forever.
"Please, she dances around you like a bird trying to show off her plumage. Tell her that you want to go for a picnic, and everything will be fine." Alanna shoves her shoulder affectionately.
"Well then, with that ringing endorsement, how can I help but succeed? Is there anything else to report from the Greens? I am aware that there are more than one security concern on your mind." Siuan switches the topic.
"There are enough burdens on your shoulders, learning to be a different type of Aes Sedai and beginning your dynamic with our new Amalyn Seat. We will figure out this intrigue and hostility with the latest malcontent. But, I am managing to keep everyone in line; the troubles are small enough to keep." Alanna smiles encouragingly.
"There are many things I can't do anymore, likely never will. But I will always be here to listen, with the added advantage of not needing code words and camouflage." Siuan offers sincerely.
***
"Can you help me with an experiment with a purpose?"
Siuan comes up to stand behind Lan and Nyneve. It strikes her once again how well-matched they are as a partnership, with a strong sense of duty for others and the causes they believe in, no matter the cost. Nynaeve is the first to give her a searching look with the haze of a healer. Siuan is proud that she can stand tall, and there is no longer a faint tremble in her 'bad' leg, even after a long walk to find them in a distant chamber.
“All your experiments have purpose, even if it was mischief when we were younger.” Lan smiles knowingly
"Are you going to push all my healing work to the limits again and pretend that you aren't in active recovery? Including a new magical scaffolding to consider?" Nynaeve asks quickly
"I learnt my lesson somewhere between those early days of near death and the latest assassination attempt. You are helping me with a romantic gesture for Moiraine, nothing more than my regular levels of power and weaving strain." Siuan leans against the column, feeling her cheeks blush at their curiosity.
"Things must be dire if you came to the two of us for a frame of reference. Did you not hear about our unconventional nuptials?" Lan asks with a rumbling laugh.
"Considering that Moiraine and I are equally unconventional, then it seems to make sense." Siuan gestures for them to start moving.
Siuan explains her requests as they move towards the lower level, less populated by the sisters and people who work in the White Tower. She tries not to smile when she realises her friends fall into position on either side, in a protective stance. Lan looks like he is itching to carry his massive broad swords. But, of course, his wife has firm opinions about ditching the uniform of the Warder.
"We will be right with you and don't you dare try and hide any strain from me, it will do you no favours in the long run." Nynaeve warns sharply.
***
"Where are we going, Siuan? I need to return to the library."
Siuan feels her heartache at the weariness evident in Moiraine's every word. It has been less than three sunrises since the arrow and all further the debate. Yet, her love seems to take every second as an opportunity to work. Although Moraine Damodred is not a na creature of the White Tower, she is better at dealing with the enemy directly.
"We are taking a break for a while. Let us have the illusion of privacy while having sisters and their weaving follow our every step. I miss you." Siuan confesses with absolute truth.
"Are you are trying to distract me? without trying to be subtle about the prospect." Moiraine sounds suspicious but still packing up her books and scrolls from the side room.
"Such things are true, but don't you realise that we don't need to hide behind coded messages or intermediaries? I am happy to miss you openly." Siuan pulls her into a soft kiss.
Of course, they are not in a public hallway or one of the eating halls. Still, there is a thrill in not having so many layers between their relationship and feelings. Siuan relishes that her body is slowly improving and can respond to such movements without unusual pain or spasm. She has a devious impulse while starting to unpin the clips in her lover's hair. Her hands are mapping the familiar pathway.
"Hey, we are not going continue you such things like we are Accepted looking for a hideaway point." Moiraine pulls away, but she is still smiling broadly.
"There are worse parts of our paths to recreate, especially knowing that there is nothing to provide a distraction, I have something to show you." Siuan links their hands together.
"As you wish, Darling."
Moraine's gentle and musical laughter profoundly influenced Siuan as a terrified student; even as a woman with decades of experience, the sound still has an impact. Maybe the rest of their lives will be a mixture of such moments, complete with finding places to hide away and reconnect as a couple, without the pressures and demands of leadership and prophecy.
"Don't you dare say anything about the strain on my resources. I have done this under Nynaeve and Lan's supervision. They rival you for protectiveness with my every move." Siuan says as they walk down the stairs.
"I will try to resist the temptation."
Siuan straightened her shoulders and drew a deep breath before resting a hand on the wall, feeling the rough edges of the stone, reaching for the well of power, and pausing to feel Moiraine's magical presence shining with lights. Her body doesn't react to the movements; her endurance for such action is an improvement.
"Where..." Moiraine cannot resist her curiosity question
By the time she comments, the question is redundant. Their hideaway's contours are familiar with their quarters in the White Tower itself; the difference is that Siuan pulls her into another space. Tables and chairs, as if it is an extension to a cottage. Siuan has added several of Moiraine's favourite artists and styles; their backgrounds and homelands are mixed. There are still the sounds of the sea as a musical backdrop. Siuan build this space on a whim, imagining what their join life could look like in, at least in a dream or two.
“This was one of my dreams in action.” Siuan grins broadly.
***
"This is a waste of magic but thank you."
Moiraine whispers as they lie together in the expansive magical space. Siuan is proud that her magic holds enough for the gesture. But, of course, it helps that this place is full of the oldest power that has its roots in the legacy of many sisters before them. It's an adjustment to their original room that has more concessions and comfort to her illness and their current security concerns.
"Alanna and her generals want you out of the way for the hunt and initial integration. Your magic lights up like a beacon that signifies your unique status and our bond." Siuan confesses, but she kisses her cheek.
Siuan and Moiraine spend so much time lying to each other and weaving a quest together while pretending estrangement and exile. But whatever their future looks like, honesty between them will remain a hard-earned virtue. Moiraine is still wounded when Siuan does her best to die quietly. The scar will take as long to heal as her many battles with the Dark.
"While my pride stings at the prospect, I can understand the logic. My days of sneaking away like a thief in the night are behind me, a good thing for my bones." Moiraine has to laugh softly
"Neither of us can claim such status anymore; there is time for new rhythms and weavings."
"We have earned our age or the strange reversal in your case. A quiet life with little adventure is worthwhile, as I keep saying." Moiraine insists firmly
"Why do you think I went through the effort of convincing Lan and Nynaeve to support this flight of fancy? The king and his lady are keen to see us doing average things for a while without needing anyone to reinvent weaving to make such things happen." Siuan comments, feeling pleased while connecting with the thrum of power.
"There are many in the White Tower that would be paid to see what Siuan Sanche considers a quiet existence." Moiraine predicts knowingly.
"When things were at their worst when Elaida was making me into a true spectacle, it felt like she ripped out my power as if it was an amputation on the battlefield; that was all I could think about, an average life. Do you want to hear about some of my dreams?" Siuan asks quietly
"Always, I would want to hear everything you have to tell me, even if it is about the man that stood in my place for a while and may have been your husband." Moiraine offers, choosing her words carefully.
"I wouldn't be the first amongst our ranks or in the streets in general who found solace in being something close to being a 'war bride'. But, in a partnership sense, Gareth and I didn't have the time or inclination to get to know each other as lovers in peace time. We were generals with different people to command. You on the other hand, weave through every aspect of my life, with a few interruptions." Siuan says softly, frowning at the memory.
"Then maybe it suits to have our 'retirement' years connected with a weave in the real sense." Moiraine offers softly.
"I thought about every fork in the road that we came across and if we could have found each other earlier or easier. No matter how necessary, it broke my heart to send you into exile." Siuan whispers
"Lan can attest that I was deeply unbearable on the matter and took it out on several Red Sisters that dared to cross our path." Moiraine leans over and kisses her cheek.
"I am confident that they deserved it or at least could afford to keep the scolding in line, I am sorry that vanity and pride made me avoid you when I first got sick. You weren’t an exile to me, then or now. " Siuan offers, her voice suddenly small and soft.
"I may be getting a ledger with the cost of the china I destroyed in my fury; I'll pass that on some time. Not the first time my temper revolves around you, Daughter of the River," Moiraine acknowledges the words with a sad smile.
"For all our devotion, we only spend a handful of solen moments talking about our relationship directly, without the quest for the Dragon Reborn. So, it was difficult to connect between those promises and watching a slow agony decades later. Or so says the justifications of a sickly coward, well enough to be vain." Siuan looks down at her hands.
"I never thought I would regret not having a working knowledge of the great Sun Palace about commitment and faith. My older sisters would be so disappointed," Moiraine quips gently.
" Your commitment was never in question; our logistics were the problem. There are worse ways to spend these moments than figuring out those details and distinctions of how to communicate." Siuan reaches to pull her closer.
" Incidentally, you owe the greater penance to the horses who were exhausted in getting to the White Tower, a strange reversal when I spent so much time fleeing the place." Moiraine leans in closer.
"Aldieb and her son may be of the finest horse stud, but their tastes are simpler than their owner. So, I'll rustle up some premium carrots and her favourite apples." Siuan promises with a fond smile.
***
"Somebody needs our attention."
The words are redundant; every Aes Sedai is sensitive to the presence of a stronger mind demanding attention. It is a simple weave that became more important during the wars and the Last Battle. Moiraine instantly moves from relaxed and gentle back to the alert warrior, waiting for the threat. Siuan feels like a court lady under the protection of a noble knight.
"There is no need to swirl like you are protecting a fish with no fin, Moiraine." Siuan snorts and rests a hand on her shoulder.
"We can never be too careful." Moiraine advises while reaching out to the connection.
One thing that the two former leaders are grateful for is that their friends and their charges seem to be respectful of their new relationships, even when things aren't declaring it openly during Siuan's recovery. Siuan still feels self-conscious about her new body, weakness, fletching magic, and connection to the One Power. Nobody comes into private spaces even now when the Yellows aren't acting as guardians. For a second, it feels like they are young again, quickly rearranging their outfits.
'That point is debatable, especially when things were getting interesting." Siuan grumbles, trying to get her heart rate under control.
"I promise to make amends for my neglect before sunrise, Siuan, especially if Alanna remains adamant that she doesn't want us involved directly with the investigation." Siuan places her hand against the wall.
Seeing the familiar ruins and patterns light up and weave from her hands is gratifying. Moiraine's power is firm as the hand traces up and down her back. It takes longer than it should, but the task is still complete.
Leanne is in the other room.
"I am sorry to interrupt. Alanna was adamant that you would want to witness this moment in person, Mother phased such things as less of a request. " Leane says with a regretful smile.
"Have they found the sister in question? Are they making any further threats?" Moiraine falls into step with the taller woman.
Siuan lost her perception of dignity with this woman a long time ago, somewhere between her ascension to leadership and Leane's steadfast loyalty in the horrible days of Elaida's betrayal. She was one of the few never to comment on or critique their relationships as Novices, no matter how unconventional. Fortunately, it appears that she will not break that commitment; no matter how many years pass, or ranks change.
Still, her lips twitch as she looks between them before turning serious again.
" Alanna was short on detail in the matter, I was sent to fetch you and not take no for an answer." Leane apologises
"Then let's not leave Mother or the Green sisters waiting and finally get answers." Siuan declares while picking up her pace.
"Whatever foolishness our wayward Sister implies; you were heroic when you took the mantel of Amalyn Seat and remained the same while going through impossible odds. I will be by your side." Leane turns to face her.
For once , she no longer feels strange about going to the Meeting Hall. As a simple Sister rather than waiting for people to genuflect in front of her. Moiraine holds out her hand, not caring if anybody sees the sign of affection.
Chapter 10: Summoning Truth I
Chapter Text
“So even while we try to guide the world, we separate ourselves from it. We risk arrogance, Egwene. We always assume we know best, but risk making ourselves unable to fathom the people we claim to serve."
Alanna Mosvani is getting nowhere, which is a rare occurrence.
Ruelyn looks like any other sister of her particular age and time. Her robes are deliberately featureless, and she wears no jewellery or adornment. Siuan is wracking her brain to remember a time when they had direct interactions, either when she was Amyrlin Seat, a regular Sister, or of any other White Tower ranking. Nothing particular comes to mind, and though it's galling but deliberate on the other woman's part, it reflects the pressures of being the Amyrlin.
The room is too big for the small group, and the silence stretches everything further.
Siuan knows she will never again possess the agelessness that the Aes Sedai are famous for amongst the townsfolk. Instead, the unwinding of her life force that made her so sick and a mystery to the Yellows will ensure slow but more natural ageing. Lines are forming at the corner of her eyes and mouth. Ruelyn looks like she is suffering under a similar level of torment, her face still beautiful but wrecked by exhaustion behind the mask.
"The list of discontent and dissatisfaction amongst our ranks regarding the schism and new leadership is long, especially regarding high-profile sisters. The Ajah heads are meeting now to reshape and establish new lines of communication. Ruelyn, you surprised me, and it's my job to listen to the chatter." Alanna begins calmly.
"Not everybody needs to run to Mother or scream for attention from her servants; some of us prefer to take action without seeking glory or infamy." Ruelyn stares blankly at the wall.
"The Greys are being surprisingly forthcoming and do not claim you represent them with your actions. Therefore in this congress now you are speaking for yourself and no partners, least of all the Head Clerk you claim to serve so faithfully." Alanna does her best not to loom.
Siuan knows that this strategy will not work.
Ruelyn isn't successful in pretending to be unaffected by the situation, but her eyes keep tracking back to the two in the corner. Siuan does her best not to let her self-consciousnesses show. Leane and the others are kind when commenting on her appearance and weaving traces, that are weaker than their students. The look on that older woman's face shows both the truth and lies of those statements. Something in this moment bothers Ruelyn, either in her mind or reality.
"You have put considerable effort and subtlety into contacting me, will you speak to me about your quest and noble ambitions? Even if I am a monster and abomination to the principles of the Aes Sedai?" Siuan stands and moves closer to the grand table.
"As you have called, I have come, 'Mother.'”
The insult is clumsy, but Siuan stands and watches the woman that has caused so much trouble. Ruelyn doesn't move nor cause a ripple in the enormity of the power that weaves throughout the White Tower. The Grey Sister blends into the background with little effort. The moment is disconcerting, but Siuan works hard to keep her face neutral in this first encounter with an enemy since her illness.
"I may not claim the title, but neither am I here at anyone's behest."
Ruelyn's smile is carefully blank.
***
Ruelyn wants an audience, Siuan in particular; therefore, she talks.
Alanna relaxes her rules reluctantly, but hovers at her side. The power radiating allows her protectiveness.
"Doesn't Tear have a fairy tale or myth about a fisherman who does not know when their lines are too weak for casting?"
"My people are more than tales and tribulations of the sea, Ruelyn."
Siuan Sanche knows she is weak; she is not going to argue that point.
She may be progressively recovering, defying every healing expectation thanks to Moiraine Damodred and her fierce determination in defying death. The former leader sits in this room as the result of her love, weaving skill, and the collective skill of their sisters, new and old. Still, no matter how many milestones Siuan meets or Yellow Sisters she pleases, this life will always imitate her previous heights.
This change isn't entirely a bad development in retrospect. Siuan and her age mates' powers came too fast out of necessity; a new pattern is taking focus. So she summons her old countenance to be bare here and not betray any weakness to this fellow sister looking so feverishly to exploit such things. Moiraine's support is a physical and mental presence, humming through their mutual weave. If this weak but motivated sister wanted to hurt her now, Ruelyn could try, and everyone knows it.
"It took you long enough to find me, Sanche. This fact must cut extra deep with you having such 'success' with the Black Ajah and Dark Friends." Ruelyn stares at her hollowly.
"Somehow, I don't think you face the temptation to break the Three Oaths with the promise of different glories. On the contrary, your commitment is absolute, is it not?" Siuan gentles her tone.
Truthfully, Siuan has come across this level of devotion before. Still, Leane and the sisters who served the Amyrlin Seat acted as intermediaries, especially as the drumbeats of war closed in. The White Tower is an ancient institution with every tradition for the worst of a gleeman's song. Siuan, along with her friends, acquaintances and rivals sacrifice such things for survival in different forms.
"Unlike some, I didn't feel the need to bend, twist and break all the rules for a single duty. There was going to be a payment for the blaze of the Dragon Reborn." Ruelyn agrees indirectly.
"Yes, that debt will be paid for many years and decades, regardless of whose philosophy and insight prove correct in the end of this weaving. There is honour in surviving, and I'm not afraid to claim the title. When dying was no longer the only option, reconciliation was easier. A new landscape is better than none."
"Siuan has sacrificed more than you can ever know or comprehend; she gave you the foundations of the White Tower for you to argue over. The front lines were unimaginable, regardless of which ideologies you follow." Moiraine calls, anger seething in her voice.
Quiet Dearest Moiraine. This fight is not for you to defend me.
Without turning around, Siuan wills the thought to her lover and dearest companion. They are not telepathic in the way of Warder bonds or the powers of myth. Still, there is a way that they can send feelings and impressions along the light and weaving. The moments are, in turn, comforting and disturbing. This is the first time, in front of this suspect, that they have pulled such a trick away from their rooms and chambers.
Your fight is always mine, especially after so many miles separated us for all those years; I was helpless then, but I am not now." Moiraine sends back.
Her mind captures the impression and turns it into words. The effort is distracting for a second, but Siuan takes solace from the connection right in front of somebody who believes themselves to be a monster in the dark.
***
"I am sorry."
Siuan can feel Moiraine and Alanna's distress that she is giving ground. The words are true; the list of her guilt and sorrow would take years for bards to sing. A benefit of not holding a leadership position is that Siuan doesn't need to consider her words carefully through every interaction. Besides, a woman with such rage will not settle for anything less.
"Are you going to offer a blanket apology and get on your knees again as you did for Elaida and her demented devotees?" Ruelyn sneers while keeping her face blank.
"I apologise that things had to get this far. My time as Amyrlin Seat may be considered unique to some, but that doesn't mean that I neglected the concerns of the other Ajahs who did not have traditional means for gaining attention, like the Reds and Blues, by causing trouble. If it brings you any comfort, my biographers and scribes are unlikely to be kind. Mother is certainly ambivalent." Siuan points out with a half-shrug.
"Why did you have to destroy everything twice, Siuan? Elaida was wrong and took advantage of the time and prophecy. Nynaeve was right to try, even if she was barely a child. So why couldn't you leave things at that, with the children in charge for the Last Battle? Sisters were not meant to have two heads and six lives." Ruelyn hisses.
Siuan senses her friends and Moiraine tense at the insult, but it feels minor; often, she too has had the same internal conflict about the effort that went into saving her. The former leader will always feel like a shadow of her former self; Ruelyn is needling at a wound that is already raw and open.
"Sisters have been changing and pushing boundaries for centuries. You are giving this generation tremendous credit, Ruelyn." Alanna says with a softness in her voice.
"You were always sensitive, Mosvani, even if you pretend otherwise. Don't you feel the change and the unnaturalness of it all?" Ruelyn turns toward the others in the room.
Siuan stills herself against the flash of insecurity; part of her will always be the child from the village who is well aware of her status. Siuan Sanche has spent her entire life being different, both from rising early through the ranks and having an unusual style as Amyrlin Seat. It is separate and difficult to hear the idea that Alanna and some of the others might sense that difference.
"Siuan and Moiraine have been different since our girlhood; it is not something that haunts me. Wrongness is a gradual scale; who gave you the right to judge or decide what was right in all things? The Aes Sedai collaborate in most things, including these dynamics." Alanna shrugs casually.
"She is hobbling together and mocking the power we work so hard to muster and die for?" Ruelyn is clearly frustrated and angry.
"The Greys and Whites are famous for working in secret and alone in the shadows. Did you take this risk, even after so much loss?" Alanna growls.
"Our Ajahs are not interchangeable, and tower leadership wrote the book on keeping others in the dark, offering crumbs of information like candles in the void." Ruelyn hisses in disgust.
Siuan realises that it was an avoidable misstep; those two Ajahs are sensitive to such things, even though Blues and Greens have a similar problem. She takes several long breaths and tries to put herself back in the mindset of the Amyrlin Seat, the woman that works so hard to soothe the competing egos and belief systems. This Grey sister may be unique, but there are similarities with her Ajah.
"I misspoke. Would you prefer to list the sins of your Ajah sisters alone? My question remains the same. The Greys are rebuilding and expanding their reach. Somebody with knowledge and devotion could make a positive shift." Alanna asks curiously.
"Don't patronize me!"
"Well, you are the one who is sitting there like a statute in your moment of glory. What do you want from me and the rest of your audience?" Siuan tries to push, feeling an element of frustration.
"I have told you everything you need to know in the weaving communication. You are the worst of the oldest orthodoxy and the obsessive need for pushing the limits that are meant to stay solid. According to all scholars, you are burning legacies with your new 'light'" Rulelyn admits.
Siuan has to wince at the venom in the term light, as if it’s poison.
***
"We may never return to past glories. You embody corruption. Such words are flattering, giving me a sense of omniscience that I wish were true," Siuan observes with mild curiosity.
"Wars and threats of war always mesmerized Greys, as they were dedicated to ending strife. Also dedicated to extending their influence of course; every time the Greys stopped a war with a treaty, they increased the influence of all Aes Sedai, but of Greys most of all." Alanna quotes the famous passage.
"What influence are you trying to create for the Greys?" Lan asks with his arms crossed firmly.
"You were the spark that broke everything, with a singular focus, destroying the institutions that elevated you so high after only three years! At the same time you destroyed our influence," is the hissed reply.
“There are new means and mechanics for such grief and grievances; the new Amyrlin Seat has prioritised these. My power is waning, and leadership is a distant memory. Why do you care so much about me or what Moiraine-Sedai did to save me?"
"Are you going to pretend that you haven't defined this generation of Sisters during the turning of the Wheel? Like the Sanches are a poor fishing family scrabbling in the dirt?" the other sister mocks scornfully.
Siuan wills herself not to let the surprise show. The attack on her ties to Tear is weak at best; Aes Sedai give up some ties when they take the vows, in theory at least. Siuan has been a creature of the White Tower for long enough that those moments are rare, for good or ill, unless it is Moiraine or Alanna teasing her.
"There are a few generations between us and several miles, but my family has ties to the village life. Your myth and mythology were ridiculous when you were a prodigy, least of all now. " Ruelyn snorts the explanation.
"My ascension to the ranks may have been fast, but the rules and conventions were broken in my favour, though not in my direction. Your grievances are with sisters and leaders who are long dead." Siuan argues defensively.
"You did nothing to prevent further changes even when you were in a position to do so, with every sister and warder at your beck and call, not only your favourites in their shades of blue."
"I was arrogant and headless of consequences, but name me an Amyrlin Seat who didn’t follow the same pattern under such pressures. Name a Grey who has put their name forward to make those decisions." Siuan challenges.
“I am not going to submit to the healings of your beloved Yellows and their weaving abomination. There is nothing wrong with my mind or methods, that’s what will be proven right in this turning of the wheel or the next." Ruelyn declares.
"You will be talking to someone, no matter the colour of the Ajah. The Head Clerk wants to hear from you, that is for certain." Alanna sounds like she is losing patience.
***
As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle.
"Do we know any people in the White and Greys to see if we can nip this tension in the bud?" Alanna whispers softly.
It becomes immediately apparent that Ruelyn is not part of a wider conspiracy. Still, the level of dissatisfaction and rage amongst the orthodoxy is not something that the new leadership needs to contend with; Alanna and others will continue questioning Ruelyn to get the final information.
"I owe you thanks for deliberately missing that shot. We may not have direct knowledge of your archery skills, but you wouldn't have missed the shot on accident would you, Ruelyn?" Siuan asks softly.
"Of course, one should never load a single arrow when trying to strike more than one target. I know most of your battles were from behind a desk, but the ghosts of your two lost warders may have been good for something." Ruelyn replies archly.
Siuan doesn't feel the blow herself, but she sees Alanna flinch, a second strike indeed. Gareth would approve of the economy of distributing emotional pain. Moiraine moves silently closer to her friend in a show of support.
"With that in mind, you will not face charges as a failed assassin but as a sister with seditious intent. Moiraine-Sedai and I were not in danger." Siuan declares softly.
"Even if you were in a position to offer mercy Siuan, I would not take it for all your destruction" Ruelyn hisses.
Siuan watches the woman for several minutes before standing and turning away. They were unlikely to make an impression anyway. They could argue the just path for hours and get nowhere. It will be more productive to disband and start again in the morning when the Greens have done the final sweeps. The Siuan of the past would have wanted to be in the centre of the action. Now all she wants to do is retreat to her quarters and sleep for a while.
***
Siuan is feeling the effects of her efforts.
At some point, she starts to take to the quieter pace of life. Those high-stress situations take energy that she can no longer afford. Sweat beads along her back, and a less-than-subtle headache pounds her temples. Alanna gives her a sympathetic look as the former Amyrlin leaves the room. Moiraine and Lan are trailing her carefully, exchanging worried glances.
"Was she doing a weaving in the room, Siuan? Lan asks worriedly.
"No, of course not. Even the angriest person is not going to confront Alanna in a small space. My body is a mosaic of weaknesses, many of them human."
Siuan feels much better than she did when Moiraine first came home. Her body is light and filled with energy, but Siuan is still fragile in many meaningful ways; her head is pounding like she has drunk far too much mead or cheap wine. The aches in her limbs feel like an old companion at this stage. Still, she does her best to walk tall and proud to ease the worry in those two faces.
"Nynaeve is going to address the remaining Greys who may be under the influence. She has a good working relationship with the Head Clerk, and will try and settle any tension." Lan says with characteristic awe for the woman he married.
"Don't let Alanna punish Ruelyn too steeply; there is more desperation than effort to destroy any of us." Siuan says with a weary sigh.
"Do you need me for anything?" Lan gives both of them a weary look.
"No, we don't. We will meet you before dawn." Moiraine declares sharply.
Siuan gives him a grateful smile before turning to her companion.
"Don't you ever do that again, Siuan Sanche!"
Siuan blinks in surprise at the words as Moiraine grips her arm firmly. It takes a second for Siuan to recognise that they are heading to Moiraine's assigned quarters. They will likely take the pathway to their hideaway spot. This argument will occur in relative privacy.
"What? Get the majority of answers that we need to solve the problem and at least prevent more arrows from flying in our direction?" Siuan asks, giving her lover a curious look.
"You pushed yourself beyond all limits taking over that interrogation. Alanna gave you every opportunity to serve as second fiddle, but you couldn't do it!" Moiraine somehow manages to sound calm and furious at the same time.
"Moiraine, Ruelyn was doing this to us because of what she believed to be my crimes. She wasn't going to give any more ground." Siuan insists while lengthening her stride.
"Of course, she wasn't, but that doesn't mean you needed to be the one. Lan and I could have done that work. That woman couldn't have been less subtle if she took a hammer to the White Tower. Don't internalise what those fools say." Moiraine glares, but her voice is gentle.
***
Siuan collapses into bed with an unapologetic sense of relief.
Moiraine is gentle when she seals the weave behind them. She doesn't immediately launch into a lecture and waits until Siuan is relaxed enough to give her full attention. No matter how great her temper, her love knows enough not to yell with this headache.
"You know that everything you do affects me now, right? Not in the romantic sense or because I care about you. You are an expert in concealing your pain, but that doesn't make it any less true." Moiraine asks earnestly as she sits down next to her.
"I know that, Moiraine. I feel your light near my heart." Siuan holds her hand above her breast as if in a demonstration.
"Then why did you push your healing so far, heedless of the difficulties and danger? If I am feeling a measure of your discomfort than I'm surprised that you aren't on the floor or physically sick." Moiraine is looking at her with such earnest concern.
Siuan knows that she could lie easily, even to the woman that held her heart long before an official bond. She may have lost the taste for lying and subterfuge, but that doesn't mean all her talent left, along with her connection to the Spark. Still, it feels important to be honest in this place where they practice the mechanics of their new life. Pretending to hate Moiraine while she was in exile was hard enough; there was no need to continue bad habits now.
"For a second in that room, all the threads of my old life came back together. There were no adjustments or accommodations, only the thrill of the chase. The habits are not at the same level as my current circumstances, even though I have the unique distinction of facing a disintegration of my powers twice." Siuan confesses with a sad smile.
"There are many ways to relieve past glories, darling. Half of the Accepted in the place are still in awe of your achievements."
"I am looking forward to not having the impressions of idealistic children. If we ever manage our quieter life, may it be away from schools and educational environments." Siuan declares with a weary smile.
"I will do my best to make such dreams come true; if the Two Rivers folk are any indication, then we will return to the villages or regions that such people are trying to leave. We will find a refuge that meets all the requirements." Moiraine promises.
"Are you in pain now, Siuan?" Moiraine switches the topic; her tone is gentle.
"It's hard to answer such questions now. But, my body is healing with the scaffolding of light that you provide. Pain is a shadow that haunts me around most corners, mild sometimes and savage at others." Siuan says wearily.
"I can't wait to take you away from this place and cast out the worst of these memories. Let somebody else take on the pressures of Ruelyn's approval or contempt. Your health is precious and not something that should face squandering in such a theatrical show of force.” Moiraine declares firmly.
"You know better than most that the shadows of the past will find ways to follow us. Still, it will be nice to reconnect with the world outside the White Tower in peacetime; war changes your perspective on any landscape.”
"We will take the long way to our destination so that you can teach me the art of fishing for a worthwhile catch or whatever else strikes your fancy." Moiraine leans and kisses her cheek.
"Even if we are challenges to the conventions of this place, many out there have risen anew in the face of war and carnage. Those are stories that are ripe for the telling." Siuan leans into the touch.
"Please don't take too many misguided insults to heart, Siuan. Ruelyn's fanaticism is the product of too many decades in the library, away from all practicalities."
"She is not wrong on one thing; we were reckless and headless of what we destroyed. Still, it has created something beautiful in the end." Siuan rests their foreheads together.
"Let's stay here for a while."
"As if that was even a question, darling."
In this private place, they let the weave that binds them flare less practically as Moiraine leans forward and starts tracing the lines of Siuan's tattoos. Her small and delicate hands are warm naturally, and there is a hum of power behind the touch as well. Siuan lets all thoughts slip away, focusing only on the woman before her.
Chapter 11: Summing Truth II
Notes:
Still dyslexic, please be gentle
Chapter Text
"Give me your trust, said the Aes Sedai.
On my shoulders, I support the sky.
Trust me to know and to do what is best,
And I will take care of the rest.
But trust is the colour of a dark seed growing.
Trust is the color of a heart's blood flowing.
Trust is the colour of a soul's last breath.
Trust is the colour of death.
Aes Sedai Saying
"Let's stay here for a while."
"As if that was even a question, darling."
In this private place, they let the weave that binds them flare less practically as Moiraine leans forward and starts tracing the lines of Siuan's tattoos. Her small and delicate hands are warm naturally, and there is a hum of power behind the touch as well. Siuan lets all thoughts slip away, focusing only on the woman before her.
Siuan Sanche is a prideful and stubborn fool.
Moraine Damodred knows the woman sleeping at her side better than she knows herself or anybody she still shares blood ties with. Of course, that's not surprising given the Sun Throne realms and rules; her world would look so different without the input and guidance of a who gave her whole life to the cause. Siuan's illness and Moraine's desperate efforts to save her are one of many sacrifices and tragedies, all the warnings about the breaking of the world in a series of events. This heaviness will stay on Moraine's shoulders alongside her parents' death.
"I may have more need for physical rest, but you know not what Nynaeve says about your efforts to be a Yellow Sister, who can push back the troubles of sickness and stilling." Siuan turns and looks at her companion, smiling teasingly.
"Daughter of the River, you know that you inspire deep thoughts in me. Ever since we were Novices, figuring out ways to outwit our friends and the senior sisters alike, there is no labour in these thoughts. I promise you faithfully. Did you sleep well?" Moiraine asks with genuine curiosity and concern.
"You were at my side, Pufferfish, and we have averted the latest crisis; my body has the training to take advantage of such circumstances while Alanna and Lan are on the warpath and the Browns hunt the archives." Siuan quips back, a knowing look in her eyes.
While there is an acknowledgement that the White Tower won't be their home again in the way it was when they were training or young Aes Seddai, Moiraine insists on bringing the familiar and homely touches to this retreat. The room is no longer a sick bed and represents Siuan's ongoing recovery and a retreat from the uncertainty of her new status.
"Do you think that is when we could no longer be traditional 'pillow friends' when we were starting to crave each other as individuals rather a tangle of Novices seeking comfort in numbers and familiarity?" Moraine muses out loud, staring at the ceiling.
"I don't know if such things can be an exact science, despite what the scholars and Mistress of Novices may want to believe. Each of us may have the strict discipline necessary to harness the weaving. Still, the passion and thirst for connections are aspects of human nature that even the most devout religious order can extinguish fully. There are reasons many are allowing their devotees to live in the community and even pursue marriage." Siuan concludes the impromptu lecture by running and hands down Moraines' cheek.
"I would trade what we found and discovered for anything even on the worst days of our estrangement, when the hatred that was invention for evasion felt so real." Moraine whispers in the space between them.
"So you said multiple times in between lecturing me for trying to conceal the end from you, even if I was high on the idea of you having a free life, in the wilds away from the White Tower, a place where you never feel at home. I am glad that you insisted on being there for my weakest moments and strongest triumph." Siuan presses their foreheads together.
"I am selfish and would scramble and claw for any time with you, even if I was searching for the faint spark of hope from the sick bed. Healing means different things, as we live in the strange times after the Last Battle." Moraine admits to the elements of longing in her voice.
"Then let's enjoy this time before heading out for a light meal, see what we can wrangle from the kitchens like Novices who smile at the cooks. I have an excuse to hide when Mother summons the Ajah to discuss these latest trials, but you will still need to bear witness, Lady Moraine." Siuan suggests.
Soon enough, Siuan got up, showing enough strength and renewed energy to dress herself quickly, especially with the final few buttons.
Their lives are impossible to separate, and it's easy for anyone to see that in the careful way that Moraine moves, guarding her companion and tending to security. Still, they can navigate these halls in their sleep. One of Siuan's first actions as a Novice was to map out the best places to hide, sit and observe without gathering the attention of the Mistress of Novices or the Red Sisters, who didn't conceal their enmity.
"It’s nice to be hungry again, even if I can't perform the most basic elements of being a Blue Sisters." Siuan strides towards the kitchen, a weary note in her voice.
"I have a feeling that we will be arguing this point for decades; your connection to Sadar may be as strong as it once was, but that doesn't make you any less of a Blue Sister, whatever the position of leadership. I'll debate that truth with whoever will listen. We can come to retirement with different levels of scars but on equal ground." Moraine declares stubbornly.
Siuan huffs and options as Moraine gently pushes her down into one of the corner chairs as they did when they were students. The kitchen hand gave them a brief look before reaching for bread, cheese, and honey cake leftovers. Moraine fusses and starts serving, using the impeccable manners drilled into her by etiquette tutors who view such things as essential skills.
"Whatever the future holds, I refuse to let you go back to a life of road rations and leaving supplies to the whims of a successful market. Decades of inn accommodations are enough for you, Lady Damodred." Siuan promises with a weary look.
"I am sure there is a comprise between the two, as we talked about as young idealists." Moraine agrees readily enough.
Moraine smiles at the memory as she settles herself opposite Siuan; it's hard not to keep the rigidity of her posture and alertness that characterise her experience since returning to White Tower as Siaun's protector. She is not a Warder in the traditional sense, but the bond still lingers, putting her senses on the highest alert. It takes a conscious effort to ease into an everyday meal.
"I keep a regular amount of coin from my earnings and siphon as a Blue Ajah, it is not the same as the funds accessible to a Damodred, but it would give us the option to figure out the first travel experiences. Perhaps, this was something like a hope and a dream." Siuan offers a nervous note in her voice.
"With a few tangible benefits than our magical hideaway. Uncle Laman did his best to prevent any of the wealth in his control going to me as the most rebellious of his nieces. We were thinking alike. A portion of my inheritance from our parents is in a safe vault. Let's talk about the logistics.
Money and wealth remain a sore topic between them and will remain so for the foreseeable future, each with different sore points. Moraine learns to tread carefully, not wishing to bring up old prideful wounds as a fisherman's daughter. In the beginning, some of their worst fights came from viewpoints around resources. Communication takes hard work, but they manage to work through things.
'The reality is that my body is never going to be hearty and hail or anything that my older relatives have a reputation, scaling triggering in their 60s. I'll need insolation, blankets and broth that Nynaeve loves so much." Siuan confesses, reaching to grab another slice of cheese.
***
"Our security measures are holding."
Moraine suggests, none too gently, that Siuan let their friends and Aes Sedai, responsible for internal security handle the delicate negotiations with the White and Grey Sisters. The noblewoman cannot help but be angry that Siuan receives those messages secretly that weave; there is nothing to say that there weren't any more traps that were more effective when targeting the former Amerlyn. Siuan is reluctant at first but eventually sees the sense in the approach.
"I would expect nothing less from your work, Alanna Mosvani."
"Much of the credit belongs to your former Warder and his team. Few have had more experience with the subtlest attacks and tricks, using different weaves." Alanna shrugs her shoulders.
Alanna Mosvani finds her footing in protecting her close friends and the fragile White Tower from this lingering new threat. The Green Aes Sedai is still experiencing the deepest mourning, but their companion copes through action and having somewhere to place her wide energy reserves. Moraine compares Alanna to the cats in Sun Place, who stalk the corridors and look to pray. She looks just as graceful and fierce, with a sense of purpose.
"We gave him that education as newly raised Aes Sedai, getting into all sorts of trouble in the search for the Dragon Reborn."
In many ways, Moraine misses the fact that their duties pull Alanna and her warders in opposite directions from the Blue Ajah. They may have been able to support them when the worst happened during the Last Battle. The chances are low, close to impossible, but a regret still sits heavy in the noble woman's soul, one to add to her ever-growing collection.
"Nynaeve the expert tracker is enjoying this new role, even if Lan's queen still has a deep sense of suspicion for all aspects of the White Tower." Alanna agrees with a quick smile.
Moraine has to grin weary at hearing the respect in everyone's voice. Nynaeve Al Mera is a prideful and stubborn woman who refuses to yield to anyone when protecting the younger people from Emond's Field, She may remain sceptical of the White Tower and its previous interactions, but a stronger warrior wasn't pushing back the forces of darkness.
"I'm glad my history of bringing usual people to join our ranks holds still even the Wheel weaves in a different direction from our long days of ideals and prophecy." Moraine shares a weary glance with Alanna.
"Siuan, I know that you are struggling with the new security measures, but I am going to ask for you to remain patient, at least for a few more days and weeks." Alanna turns her attention back to the former leader.
"It goes against my every instinct as the woman who took delight in moving up the ranks without pause and who considers the limits of a mortal's constitution; there is comfort in recovering within the support of my fellow Aes Sedai. Fish Guts, Nynaeve's strengthening broths and exercise programmes are giving their dues." Siuan smiles wearily.
"Well, that is high praise indeed, My friend. If you do start to get itchy feet, then let Leane or I know and we will escort you around safe areas of Tar Valon." Alanna promises, squeezing her friend's wrists.
Moraine smiles as Alanna pulls the taller woman into a hug, carefully avoiding her social shoulder and side, which have sensation damage. Siuan stiffens in instinctive resistance before relaxing and leaning into Alanna Mosvani's strong and steady presence. Moraine feels fiercely protective of Siuan, but it's wonderful to know that her beloved companion has the support of equally fierce friends.
"I can't see myself summoning the energy for leisurely moments, especially when there are festivals in town or one of my favourite fish trade fairs. You would be my first port of call, I promise."
***
The Greys call a meeting.
Tensions run high between the Ajahs; traditional alliances shift after the weight of assassination. Blame travels fast around the halls, faster than rumour and innuendo. The White and Grey are the smallest amongst them, smaller still since the Last Battle. They are sensitive to unwanted attention, even if their leaders insist on full cooperation. Moiraine would have done the same in their position, but she could not help pacing.
"Are you sure we aren't giving Ruelyn's ideas more weight than they are worth or herding ourselves into a convenient trap? Leane asks as she joins the group, heading to the grand meeting hall.
That is the question that all the scholars are asking, as the Brown sisters are scurrying after all the small details that the woman who is in detention offers. People like to claim that dissatisfaction and disagreements represent a small minority, but history paints such a different picture, which is unrecognisable as a premise. The halls of the White Tower have more crowds, people rejoining the Aes Sedai ranks. This reality means that rumours spread like wildfire without the fire breaks.
"Perhaps, but some of our fellow Ajahs tend to be secretive in the best of times; we don't want to encourage these tendencies when everybody tries to heal and bring new dynamics." Moiraine agrees, giving her friend a brief, grim smile.
"As one of the most battle-weary Aes Sedai, you still have that deep thread of idealism and a belief in justice, don't you my friend?" Leane asks with a weary but encouraging smile.
"My faith in our community did not buckle under the pressure of the last decades, but it still feels like there is one long line of sacrifices and death that we will be reckoning with for centuries to come, and that presupposed that there will be enough records to cobble together an accurate record of all the intrigue." Moraine quirks a half smile.
"As faithful as the Blue Ajah have been towards justice, others seek to preserve an accurate record of the truth and remarkable moments that define the turning of The Wheel of Time." Leane smiles at the women who pass them in the corridor.
"A small part of Siuan resents me and the exceptional magic that keeps here, listening to the mechanics of power and statecraft as a former Amerlyn Seat, the youthfulness that she is far from feeling. She may appear brave, but the new reality weighs heavy." Moraine points out grimly.
"Yes, the Fisherman's Daughter resigned to her fate: exile under the reign of terror from the corrupt Red Sister Reign. We were never going to let her go, even if Nynarve ran through every healer's resource and Alanna searched every realm to find you. Siuan took her belief that we are a tiny thread in the pattern; she was always far more than that symbol to us. The bonds of our sisterhood and family endure over time and profound disruption." Leane declares firmly
"Long may that last." Moraine agrees, leaning over and kissing her cheek.
***
Tempers flare quickly
Moraine stands loosely with her Blue Sisters, watching the Sitters and Amerlyn with their impossible postures and blank expressions. There is a nativity about being in this space without being the focus of suspicious attention. Still, her heart aches not seeing the woman she loves on the raised chair, even if she would far rather have Siuan alive and weak than a Last Battle Sacrifice.
"Outliers within Ajahs, we should not claim exceptional circumstances, have been a feature of our lives for centuries. The weapons of war will stay with us for many years." the Sitters begin, working to keep everyone calm.
"Thank you to Alanna-Sedai for your diligence in preventing an attack on people within our ranks." the sense of praise rings out.
Alanna stands with her Green Sisters, giving a brief nod in appreciation.
Alanna deserves all the accolades, but Moraine Damodred feels her hackles rise. She remembers early clashes in this room when people judged her efforts to save Siuan Sanche when things still looked impossibly bleak. Part of being an Aes Sedai means having a temper and ego, which comes with the ability to wield such tremendous power. Moiraine doesn't regret her fierce way of protectiveness.
"The information that we are gathering from the Sisters in question, the findings are in the early stages, relying on the skills and operation of each of the Ajahs, which have done so willingly and will continue to do so in the coming days. There is no reason to believe that the violence will escalate beyond the specific attacks, although security measures will remain in place."
"Because they have proven to be so effective in the past, Mother." somebody calls out angrily.
A familiar wave of discontentment ripples through the room, although there has been a firm stance against rouge magic usage since Moraine's display with the Red Sister, who dares to question the efforts to save Siuan. The Sitters straighten imperceptibly, sharp eyes racking the room, looking for signs of trouble. Moraine does her best to sink into the background, away from trouble.
"The Aes Sedai have peace treaties to negotiate, within and without."
Moraine is still trying to decide whether it's an advantage or disadvantage that their new Amyrlin represents such a legend for all the Ajah in the room. The dynamic differs from trusting their fates to an unknown girl from Emmer's field and within unknowable bloodlines. Looks at them all as if they are misbehaving Novices, no matter how many wrinkles demonstrate advancing age.
The Amlyn Seat speaks quietly and firmly.
Some Sisters at the grand reception are spoiling for a fight and are doing little to conceal the fact. Still, each of them has a deep sense of obedience when somebody so powerful speaks. Moraine sinks back against the wall, content to observe from a (relatively) safe distance. Leane and some of her closest friends in Blue Ajah form a loose circle around her.
"The Grey and White leaders are correct; I do not believe that the actions of a few reflect systemic corruption. Rather, the many psychological wounds affect the Ajahs in different ways. Now, before you protest, I am not saying that these actions can proceed without punishment." Cadsuane holds up her hand to forestall all the conversation.
Moraine exchanges glances with her Blue Sisters; they have similar viewpoints on this proclamation. The Blue Ajah needs to see justice from within the walls of the White Tower. In some ways, this could be Leane's life work as somebody who was at Siuan's side, doing her best to quell the uprising and keeping everyone safe in the rubble of the coup.
"What do you need us to do, Mother? Are we to endure everyone's hurt feelings, turning to violence the second they find a challenging loophole or six." A frustrated voice calls from the side slides.
"The individual responsibilities for senior Aes Sedai will be part of private debriefing, what I ask and encourage from everyone in this room is to continue the work towards healing the fractures in your Ajah, redefining the sense of purpose, obligations and duties. I will be hosting these meetings every fortnight to hear grievances and disputes. The White Tower will focus on the troubles within it before turning to the healing of different realms." Cadsuane holds up her hands forward to anyone protesting.
"May I continue with this work, Mother?" The Green Leader interjects with a gentle smile
***
"I cannot help but feel like a Novice, set to the quiet rooms to decompress after their first weave goes wrong." Moraine grumbles softly.
"Perhaps this is the equivalent for a Blue Ajah and former Amerlyn Seat, who have several decades, a few wrinkles and heartaches over the idealism, but
Moraine and Siuan are treading the weaving meditation set that Alanna and several of her Greens suggest. The Green Ajah are experts in balancing bonding with multiple Warders. While Moraine's 'medical bonding' and such group dynamics are complex, the level of intensity is similar. While the intervention is new to all the rajahs, Nynaeve and Alanna agree that the connection needs careful tending when it flares under stress.
"Light, the two of you rewrite a gleeman's tragic epic every five years, with all the yearning, representation and sacrifice, is it any wonder your Spark struggles at times?" their long-time friend scowls at them fiercely in turn as she strides into the room.
"Will knowing that we do not intend to make such a romantic and grand spectacle sway your anger in either direction, then or now?" Siuan asks, following Alanna's movement with curious eyes.
"No, because all I wanted was for you to figure out a way to be ordinary in this one sense, not giving up every thread of yourselves for the sake of the mission. Still, you have time on the other side of the Last Battle, which is more than can be said for many family, lovers and Aes Sedai bonds. A reunion in the ruins of war." Alanna lets out a fierce sigh.
"Can we make up for misdeeds by following your instructions now, fearless general?" Siuan asks with sincerity.
"That remains to be seen, now settle down. Siuan, don't be a prideful fool, lean back into the chair. I chose this room specifically because we will be here for a while, enough for aches and pains to set in the bones. I have a theory about how your heroics work in practice." Alanna settles on the stool in front of the couple, giving them each a fierce look.
"That's good to know because generations of my scholarly ancestors scowl from the realms beyond, at such an impulsive reach for a way to undo the weave." Moraine looks down at her clasped hands, templing lightly.
"The important element is to focus on settling your feelings individually and as two Aes Sedai of different strengths. We hope that the next decades will remain quieter than the last three with the turns of the Wheel. The Green Ajah have some techniques for emotion on the battlefield. Let’s start with a deep breath." Alanna begins, her voice steady and even.
Moraine reaches out and grasps Siuan's hand, threading their fingers as an open sign of affection, finding several physical groundings and continents in touch. During their training as Novices and Accepted, they didn't have the opportunity to seek solace in each other, displaying intimacy.
***
"Ruelyn is right about one thing. My time at the White Towe must draw to a close."
"That's a polite way of framing arrows and accusations, you dive into your energy reserves. Regardless of her claims, those efforts could kill, you first and many others after. This age and era of the White Tower know too well the division of ideological schisms." Moraine scowls while concentrating on the weave that circles between them.
Siuan glances over at her dearest companion. As Alanna suggests, there is a profound sensory overload in the two of them, and they spend this time learning the waves and shape of each other's magic again. She privately doubts how the comfort relates to the light surrounding their new bond or the meditation techniques they perform so diligently. Time with this woman was something Siuan always craved, with a hunger that would inspire a scolding from the Mistress of Novices.
"There is no doubt that my reign ends in tragedy and devastation, with a gross betrayal of all the principles that we hold dear, but there is no such position as Dowager Amerlyn Seat or whatever titles the Sun Throne delight in bestowing. The time has come for me to turn my abstract ideas of leaving into a series of plans. Plenty of old fishwives find healing and sanctuary in the wides." Siuan explains, keeping her voice low and steady.
Moraine pauses, battling against her instinct to deny the words with the usual passion and conviction.
"Even though our current Amerlyn reveres traditional and the many of the structures that hold the White Tower together, I'm sure that even she would concede that we leave in times worthy of different titles, along with the reintroduction of male challeners." Moraine chooses the lightest of the statement.
"You once proclaimed that you would be willing to cast a net or at least learn the fundamentals of being a fishwife; I don't think our give and take needs to extend to weave fancy noble titles. I can host diplomatic functions and negotiations with skills that rival anyone in the Sun Court. Small concessions can extend how we inhibit each other's world." Siuan declares teasingly.
"Where shall go, once the expectations of the new Amerlyn are met and Alanna tracks down the last of the coconspirators, bearing in mind that your body needs extra time to recover from the strain. Perhaps the fishing shack with such extra insolation features?" Moiraine suggests, smiling teasingly.
"Did you ever think that we would discuss retirement under the sway of new magic and battle scars that will never fade?" Our talks were long on idealism and short on details. I do not even know if the Tear of my memory holds up to the reality of floods, magic battles, and falling prices. The Sanche cousins have long since given up the practice of updating their distant relatives." Siuan shrugs, more nervous than she can articulate.
"Then we can find out together if there may be a town on the edges of the rivers or closer to the capital cities. I have more experience than most Aes Sedai crisscrossing the globe, from the remotest regions away from the mechanisms of power and influence. Still, I never look at these places as a sense of sanctuary for myself." Moraine gives a weary shrug.
"Even at the high of my powers as the Amerlyn Seat, I would resist the temptation to join on the trail, exploring the world and each other. If only the world didn't need to crash and burn for us to have the chance." Siuan confesses in a hoarse whisper.
Chapter 12: Summing Truth III
Notes:
Posted in the wrong work - reuploaded chapter
Clearly still dyslexic - please be extra gentle.
Chapter Text
“And yet many of us do it without families, " Nynaeve said. "Without love, without passion beyond our own particular interests. So even while we try to guide the world, we separate ourselves from it. We risk arrogance, Egwene. We always assume we know best, but risk making ourselves unable to fathom the people we claim to serve. ”
― Robert Jordan
“Of all the foolish, stubborn, ridiculous things to do with your remaining strength“
Siuan Sanche supposes she should count it as a win that Moraine considers her recovered enough to face the full force of the Damodred temper. Few would be foolish enough to confront such an experience lightly. Some younger sisters and those new to the White Tower like to whisper that an angry Moraine Damodred is the only thing that the Torlics fear. Of course, such things are an exaggeration for Novices and Accepted, but a truly furious Moraine is a sight to see; it's been a long time since Siuan was in the centre of the storm.
“I think you will need to be more specific, Pufferfish. Over the last few weeks and months, my decision-making has not been at its best. As my Papa would say, trying to race a boat with several leaky boards. ” Sian sets aside the nets that she is weaving.
Moraine storms into the room, the pain and rage on her face, showing none of the famous Aes Sedai restraint. The bond that exists between them is not the same as a Warder's, but there is still a flow of emotions; the rush hits Siuan in the sternum as it takes a few seconds to orient herself to the conversation. Siuan uses the time to brace for impact. Honestly, she cannot recall a specific action or set of circumstances that would have provoked such a high temper. For the most part, their focus is on supporting the Grey Sisters, investigating, and planning the most graceful way for a redirected Amerlyn Seat to depart the White Tower without needing to be exiled or monitored by the Eyes and Ears Networks. Such consideration would be unusual, but Siuan thinks her reign and current situation earn the status of a prize Koi fish.
“You will instruct Lan and Nyneave not to summon me, you wrote a long letter full of pretty words, before gathering enough of a weave to hide this in my rooms, to unwind on some unknown date or on the event of the death that you were so eager to hasten. ” Moraine waves the document in question with considerable force, yet still manages to be careful not to tear it.
“Ah, that piece of stubborn foolishness. ” Siuan winces, sensing the undercurrent of this situation now.
“Dear Moraine, there aren’t that many in my part of Tear who consider retirement in the conventional sense of the term, sitting in the tavern sharing stories over good traditional pipe smoke only happens to a few. The concept seemed further when Papa, instructs with such firmnesses that I was to follow my power across leagues to the White Tower, trust a noblewoman from House of Damodred to rewrite my story... ” Moraine reads from the letter with all the grandeur of a gleeman, although SIuan suspects that the scholar in her fellow Blue Sister memorises every word.
“It wasn’t like that, Moraine. ”
“Would it help or hinder the situation to know that I have rewritten that letter for the best part of a decade, well before my accession to the heights of Amerlyn Seat? ” Siuan asks, wincing at the pain she sees so clearly reflected in that gaze.
Writing to Moraine becomes something of a soothing exercise for Siuan, during the loneliest times in the White Tower, most of those letters and notes end up in the fire and smoke, but her heart aches with the isolation and pretending that Moraine can still be an intimate confidonte again, brings a comfort that few others can offer, despite the best efforts of Sitters. Siuan feels the rush of her head and embaressment, knowing that these words are no longer solitary.
Those words are not her best work, but they still have an impact.
“You never intended to send me for, if Lan and Nynaeve weren’t with you and stubborn as mules, it didn’t occur to you to alter your will and testament to end up in archives with the Brown Sisters. If I could have been leagues further away and only heard once that somebody would think to notify me as a fellow Blue Sister. We were ever close pillow friends after all. ” The latest works were intensely bitter, and the echo within the weaving bond doubles the impact.
“Surviving was the last thing for me to consider? But I wanted to know that my heart was always with you. “I didn’t believe there was anything more to say beyond the pain and heartache of too many regrets. We have the shadow of the prochaphy haunting our every step; our last words were so harsh. ” Siuan tried to explain, waving her hands around helplessly.
“So you have the ability to decide what our last words would be? In an ideal circumstance, sneaking away to a villiage somewhere and drifting away without a word to anybody? ” Moraine stalks further, tears pulling in her eyes.
Siuan Sanche doesn’t immediately respond; it takes several long, centering breaths for her to work through her emotions before snapping something angry or rehashing old ground. She reaches out a tentative hand, but drops it just as quickly. They were never a couple who could easily express physical comfort or affection. At every stage in their relationship, there were practical or strategic reasons, while openly expressing romantic or affectionate feelings was at best unwise and at worst an open invitation to their enemies. After those first years, it was easy enough to fall out of the habit. Now Siuan’s fingers itch with the impulse, but they never lack for words and debate.
“At the time, there was logic in that course. Ever since we began to talk the path of prophecy, time was the thing that I would covet and bemoan every time that you and Lan would make those fleeting visits to the Tower, but it wasn’t only time with you that I would crave, I never had enough time to chart a course for the woman beyond the titles and fancy robes - do you see, writing goodbye was the only thing I could envision as an Amerilyn Seat who over sees the breaking of the tower, for me that would be the use of remaining strength. ” Siuan confesses, keeping her voice sound, working around a sudden tightness.
“You couldn’t summon enough hope that we could push back against the way the wheel weaves? Leave me with a few apologies and sweet memories from a past that we could never reclaim? ” Moraine sinks into the chair opposite, suddenly losing the rigorous anger.
“The last words we spoke to each other were far from kind and respectful. It haunted me that we didn’t have a few more gentle moments, stolen in between confrontations in the hall. Selfishly, I saw a few more words in this life rather than waiting impatiently for the next. The letter wasn’t so dramatic with the last of my fading strength, ” Siuan explains, learning forward, trying hard to catch her gaze.
“For a woman who is an expert in deception, you don’t have the face for a good lie, at least not with me. ”
“We have enough solemn words and oath rods, sheedings over you feels like a luxury. It took more effort to cry and sob than it did to tie the letter up in a simple weave. My muscles, bones, and soul still remember those simplest weaves, after all, we were reluctant experts on the matter of codes and cyphers. ” Siuan gazes over Moraine's shoulder outside the window.
***
“I would write you letters too. ”
Siuan is nervous about meeting up with Moraine for the first meal of the day. The tension of their argument and that letter still lingers; Moraine doesn’t bother to conceal the hurt in her eyes each time Siuan can’t conceal the pain or trembling. The secondary communal dining hall, which holds so many memories, is largely empty. The Novices and Accepted still whisper and gossip about Siuan’s illness and the subsequent attacks, but they all keep a respectful distance. It wouldn’t be surprising to know that their friends and colleagues provide daily attention and interest. Moraine finds a table against the wall where they can see each of the corners, even though the threat lesson is still ongoing.
“There would have been too much risk for such things to reach me at any stage, when the White Tower starts to burn and splinter. I would still miss seeing that distinctive and loopy handwriting, Lady Damodred. ” Siiuan doesn’t bother to keep the sadness from her voice.
Moraine falls into the recollection of writing letters on the road, vasilating between connecting with her Amerlyn Seat and Siuan. Her feelings went down the full range of emotion, before burning them in the fire or summarising them in a much shorter note that will go through many hands and eyes before getting to the steps of Tar Valon. Siuan feels a sense of jealousy and resentment that they couldn’t keep that connection going throughout the years, including all the bad days and joyful reminiscences.
“Those words likely weren’t worth the expensive and thick parchment that insisted on buying, especially since they all became fodder for our fires on the road, but there were so many strange, wonderful, and awful sights, and I longed for your opinion. The Two Rivers folk gave such specific expectations about me as a mysterious leader and not somebody with so many doubts. ” Moraine clasps her hands around the mug, staring into the steam as if it will provide the answers.
“I wanted to tell you many things too, although for the first years, there was nothing much to say in the regular routines of the Tower, a White Tower that was smaller than the one that the wandering nomaids return, ” Siuanb confesses, a wistful note in her voice.
“Now that I’ve had a few days to sleep on the idea and reflect on the words, I realise that you weren’t trying to do anything deliberate. The odds weren’t high that I would return to you long enough to have a true conversation. There would be a small pile of keepsakes, including birthday gifts, notes, letters, and ribbons. Words of goodbye would be fitting to add to my shrine to you. ”
“The wheel weaves as the wheel wills, but perhaps we will carve out enough time to build a life from keepsakes. ”
On the advice of Nynaeve and the other Yellow Sisters, Siuan and Moraine are careful when exploring the magical bond that binds them, in a way that is similar but not the same as a Warder. Still, the last few weeks provide a good measure of the ability to sense and read each other’s emotions.
***
They need space to trust.
“Moraine Damodred will be haunted by dearth for the rest of her days. The Torlic Wars, the destruction of the dark. She can’t have but still sees you on the brink of death, too many times when she was too far away. Let her rage about the letter for a while. Ruelyn was angry, and the former Amerlyn Seat, but she almost broke a fragile life spark, which is the most precious person in her life
Alanna Mosvani does her best to strike a balance between a worried general and a true friend, now that the main culprits are under guard and protection. She insists on taking Siuan to the training space to stretch out her limbs now that the wasting condition has eased, a combination of Nynaeve's healing and Moraine’s weave. They spend hours discussing various topics, including friendship and Aes Sedai, as they did when they were younger; Alanna provides sound advice.
“Are you speaking to me as a friend or as a former general who sees this pain play out hundreds of times during the battle. I remember people coming to you when they couldn’t save friends and lovers. We don’t need to discuss this if you prefer to jog in silence. Every Ajah comes to you without recognosing the scale of your loss. ” Siuan squeezes her forearm in a comforting gesture.
Alanna is someone who lost two Warders that she loved as both romantic partners and protectors; people are suitably reverential of that pain. The lesser-known pain is the number of sisters and soldiers that the Green Sister leads into battle when they all suddenly become the ‘Rebel Ajah’ without all the official support of the White Tower. Siuan catches her friend more often than not standing in front of all the tributes to the losses, the different Ajahs, animals, and members of the wider Tar Valon community
“Siuan, Daughter of The River, you should know better than most that widows need conversations that revolve around the past and grief. ’ Alanna chastises her gently.
“That doesn’t mean that my shoulder isn’t available if you need to sheed a few tears. ”
“You would be first on the list, Siuan Sanche. You did the same when we were Accepted. Now tell me why you're so beset with doubts about Moraine Damodred, not for the first time in your life? The shock around death, dying, and the battlefield leaves scars in different forms. Alanna gently turns the conversation away to the topic at hand.
“I imagine she told you about the letter and my foolish efforts to conceal it for the time when I am dead? ” Siuan asks with a weary look and a faint blush.
***
They need space to disagree.
For people who fought for the prophecy and the Dragon Reborn on ideological grounds,
whispering about sacrifices, honor, and the saving of the world as loyal Blue Sisters. Such things leave little room for everyday squabbles and disagreements about less consequential matters, such as how to stay afloat, the best fruit to tackle each session, or making rations. In different ways, Moraine and Siuan were unconventional Aes Sedai, but it’s impossible to escape the conventions when relationships came last on every priority list.
“I was so happy to see you come through that door, even if I have to argue the point for the sake of my waning pride. ”
Siuan can still remember the moment of waking up and blinking Moraine into focus, her beautiful and beloved face crumbling in abject worry and rage. She can’t remember the specifics of the conversation, sinking in and out of conversation. Moraine asks as a healer, feeding her small amounts of water, a vile broth, and the potions that Nyneve insists she must take every few hours. She wouldn’t be any clearer for the first week, but Moraine stays at her side.
“ You have the idea that Thom and I were running away together, with the bonds between us served in a way that hadn’t been so severe since that first exile. A life without seeing you again wouldn’t hold any sense of meaning, even if you were dying. Thorn and I were companions and colleagues on the road. ” Moraine interjects, sreel in her voice.
“It was more than when facing all the destruction of the White Tower and schism of the Ajahs. Happiness is such a rarity that a wandering nomad deserves. If I couldn’t provide you with such things, Thorm or a companion like him would be something that may ease the burden of facing the evils alone, when Lan started to pull away. ”
“I think you will find that it was his Aes Sedai who shifts our bond, but there were many people who provide the role that you mention, including Thom, Alanna, and even Nynaeve when we come to an understanding. The loneliness only struck in the last few years, when I could no longer reach you and our friends. In a strange way, I was starting to feel homesick. ”
“I am sure there was some conventional wisdom about losing your heart to your roommate or your Novice and Accepted days, Elaida and the Reds certainly enjoy manipulating emotions and playing games with the mind, but I suppose we were always playing by our rules, including building a sense of hope”
“Our dream wasn’t so distant, only obscured by the sense of prophecy and duty. The Aes Sedai don’t retire in the conventional sense, but there are senior sisters who spend their twilight days as companions in the truest sense of the word. It’s rare, but it wasn’t an impossibility. It was easy enough to start putting coins away, look at different maps, and reach out to distant cousins who live in proximity as lifelong companions rather than the simple moniker of ‘pillow friends’. ” Moraine confesses, a faint blush straining her cheeks.
Siuan feels the words hit her like a blow to the chest, and she needs to work for a few moments, grappling with the idea that Moraine was still holding onto a dream that may never come to pass. She never gets to the stage of looking up similar stories, but it's heartening to know that there were stories among the annals; maybe that will be something hopeful for the coming weeks as they plan for an exit.
“What were the particulars of this idea, Moraine? I hope that you weren’t genuinely planning to be a fishwife? Your hands are still so delicate. ” Siuan cannot keep the nervousness from her voice.
“In my idea, we would find a way to consult with the kingdoms, queendoms, and councils as all the regions rebuild from the war. You would always lecture me about the path of destruction that the Aes Sedai in wartime could make, even without meaning to, the hours it would take to rebuild the inn or a trade route during the floods. When we were on the road, you could only see such things coming to pass, from every town to the remotest village.
Perhaps we could make the Aes Sedai, or at least the Blue Ajah, less mysterious. ”
“We would be along the border? ”
“There are places where peace endures even through the hardship of the Last Battle, where the Aes Sedai aren’t either saviors or villains. We would have enough coin for land. Through my family, I own a small house located near the water. I could work on the trade routes, and you could build connections with the merchant councils using a ship designed for leisure, rather than one that throws nets and chases the tides. I would build a small stable and keep a few horses, and you could workshop with wood and steel? The family ledges aren’t what they once were, but there is enough for a modest dream. ”
“Oh, Moraine, you are always such a sentimental noblewoman, aren’t you? Your dream sounds wonderful. Maybe it is something that could survive betrayal, the breaking of a White Tower, and a stilling? You were my lighthouse keeper long before this unsual weren’t you? ” Siuan asks softly.
***
They need space to believe
Siuan Sanche spends a few hopeless hours each morning trying to write a new letter to Moraine, even though the other woman insists that such things weren’t necessary. With the help and support of Leane and Alanna, they improve their communication skills, but decades of letters is a hard habit to break., Besides, there would be considerable risk in an Amerlyn Seat, who oversees the coming of the Dragon Reborn, to get into the habit of being a true diarist. Untangling her thoughts in a letter may waste parchment and quills, but the final paragraphs bring a sense of peace.
There is still much to say and explain, but at least it feels like a starting point. Relying on the faint impressions of their magical binding seems foolish.. Siuan learns her lesson and sets the letter on Moraine’s bedside table rather than hiding it underneath the power that is no longer hers to control. Of course, there is properly a more logical place to put the letter, as Moraine Damodred never spends much time in her quarters, ever since it was first assigned to her all those decades ago.
“You wouldn’t make a subtle thief, Siuan Sanche, and it has nothing to do with the new limp. What are you doing here? ” a cheerful voice comes from the door.
“Subtly wasn’t my primary objective, Pufferfish. I have been spending decades writing and rewriting these letters, and it gives me the opportunity to make everything clearer, now that we are talking like adults figures rather than fumbling Novices. ”
Siuan keeps writing for a few moments, reading over the words for a few moments before turning to give Moraine her full attention. The folded letter sits between them in a literal sense, but there is none of the intense emotion from when Moraine found the first one. Siuan rolls back her shoulders, preparing for the conversation that will be sentimental and challenging. On a whim, she picks up the pages and hands them over, directly into Moraine’s hands with a tender look before backing away with an apprehensive look.
“Can I read it now? even though we have an intent on leaving each other? ” Moraine asks quietly, holding the message as if they are equally precious as the jewels in the Damodred vaults.
Siuan shrugs without answering the question directly. She leads the other woman into the rooms, nodding as her companion sinks onto the bed, her bright robes bellowing onto the covers. There is a faint tremble in her long, delicate hands. Siuan feels a little ridiculous just standing there, watching, so the former Amerlyn clears her throat and begins recounting, using the same resonant tone that keeps everyone's attention in the gathering hall.
“Dearest Moraine,
It still feels strange to think that these words won’t go through at least four people before you read them. You did everything and anything to give me these moments, an epilogue after the Last Battle and the Stilling. Very few Sisters, let alone Amerlyn Seats, have the opportunity to see a life that bears no resemblance to the life of dedication to the White Tower when we have the first intake.
We have spent the last few days uncovering a conspiracy against your unorthodox approach to save me and the enduring survival of a deposed Amerlyn. Few who know Moraine of House Damodred well could be surprised at the length you would go for the people under your care, and I am fortunate to count myself amongst that number for close to three decades. I was prepared, almost expecting to die for the cause, but leaving you was not something that I could easily face.
Nynaeve and the others are not certain about what your healing weave and the ‘Lighthouse Effect’ will do to my energy reserves or powers, but it seems that I am to live and look beyond the horizon of the Last Battle and senseless death or sacrifice. For once, there aren’t ten different fish hocks dragging us in opposite directions, do we have the capacity to live in close proximity again, without the opportunity and obligation to follow a sense of duty. The current Sitters are likely eager to have us off the board for the next round of Des’Damar
We have lied to and betrayed each other constantly, but one element remains true that if I had the choice, building a life with yoiu, Pufferfish, would be the fodest wish of my heart that everybody, including the Sitters could see during Testing. ”
***
“I have a surprise for you. ”
Siuan Sanche cannot quite conceal the look of surprise. She and Moraine manage to work through the tension of that ill-advised farewell letter, and the former Amerlyn offers to destroy the letter or at least write a better version, now that her fingers and mind can harmonize beyond a few words. Her tentative offer provokes Moraine to snatch the few pages away, fold them neatly into a fathomless pocket of her travel clock. She backs away from the topic, and it's easy enough to focus on the dealings and mechanisms of the reforming White Tower, managing the reign of Ruelyn and the potential dark and morally ambiguous grey figures. Siuan feels the sting of rejection when the Sitters and Amerlyn move without her, as a Blue Sister with little to no particular power.
“You aren’t so much of a lover of surprises, inasmuch as somebody who appreciates the art of a prank and creating harmless trouble for the Mistress of Novices, somehow can’t see you putting frogs in my boots or oils in the bathes? ” Siuan teases, but she manages to keep her tone light and teasing as she takes a now customary walk inside, rather than in the gardens. Alanna feels more confident with the security measures, but the former general isn’t confident with their favourite walking paths.
“Maybe we can teach your cousins the art of the prank when we reach Tairen shores, but no I promise that my surprise is an alteristic one, rather than humorous. Do you trust me? ” Moraine asks, there is a mixture of teasing and seriousness in the tone, as if the reminder of death’s shadow shakes something fundamental between them.
“Of course I do, Pufferfish. As always, it’s more of a marvel that you manage to find time to pull together a surprise, at least of the scale that requires a separate location. We have done little more than work and consult with the Amerlyn, pausing only for the excellent stew that I am sure Nynaeve and Lan insist that the cooks make especially for my recovery. Dinners may have improved significantly with the swelling of our ranks, but that combination of spices and fish is unusual for people outside Tear. ” Siuan nudges their shoulders in a teasing gesture.
“Nynave would rather face a host of Red Sisters than admit this, but she may feel guilty for the amount of potions and tonics that she force-fed you for those many weeks, even when you were trying to rest. Besides, the influence of the Malkari royalty must be beneficial in some way. It heartens everyone, including me, to see you have an appetite again. We shouldn’t be long out here; there is a chill in the wind and a warm fire. ” Moraine still fuses, but she does her best to keep impulses in check.
It takes Siuan a few moments to orient herself.
“We are going to the stables?
Moraine doesn’t answer immediately, but she takes Siuan by the hand, leading her to the secondary stable complex that is away from the main stable where the massive Warder’s war horses have a fierce temper. The guests keep their gentler mounts in other grazing paddocks. They pause by the statue that the Brown Sisters erected as a tribute to the animals that die during the conflict and the ultimate Last Battle. There are far too many tributes scattered throughout Tar Valon and the newly expanded White Tower complexes.
“This is an idea that I’ve had for a while, perhaps the stubborn hope that was flikering as Thom and I tried to make up those leagues that first night. You know that I have a great love for the Cairhien bloodlines, and it got me thinking about your journey away from this place. One of the yearlings that I bred has a wonderfully gentle temperament, your joints are still sore and swollen, and this boy has the smoothest gate. His name is after the tides and sea, which I thought was fitting, even though it was only a whimsical. ” Moraine pauses before one of the large stalls near the back.
“What are you saying... ” Siuan struggles to catch up, blinking at the rush of emotion.
A beautiful horse sticks its head over the stall, and Siuan can see the resemblance to Moraine’s beloved and precious mare, who will soon face retirement after their final journey. Siuan Sanche is a decent rider; any Aes Sedai who works for the Eyes and Ears Networks needs to possess the basics, along with a childhood around the sturdy and useful Tairen ponies. The connection is nothing like Moraine’s passion for the horses within her family stables. While it would be easy enough to dismiss the Damodred sisters' passion for horses and falcons as nothing more than nobles’ indulgence, the other woman cares for and supports the horses from being a foal to supporting ageing horses with inflammation and failing senses.
“You brought me a young colt as a gift? ” Siuan asks, reaching out a gentle hand as the horse in question snuffles around looking for treats..
“Not precisely, several of our horses were finding new stables with Anvaere’s friends. I asked them to bring Sarin here when they were near Tar Valon. I thought we could ride for the next few days and weeks, see if you get a sense of his temper, see if you get along. ”
Moraine offers, standing at the opposite side of the horse, nervously.
“I would be a fool to turn down such an opportunity, but ageing Terian will never be in peak physical condition, and is unlikely to stretch such a fine best ot his full potential. Hello, Serin. ” Siuan scratches behind his flickering ear.
“The animals that we breed and the Damodred Stables successfully adapt to every environment; any animal will be lucky to be under your care. Besides, if you like, I would be more than happy to take him for a long gallop or two if the mounts are great and restless on a long summer’s day. He is a fighter born late in the season to a mare that was struggling and a new stallian, the stable hands worked hard. ”
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