Chapter Text
It didn’t take a healer to know that Kagome was going to need a little extra time to recover from this one. Even though she seemed to be fine physically, the spark in her eye and the brightness in her spirit had not returned. She tried to laugh and shrug off the entire thing, but she wasn’t fooling anyone.
If you asked Kagome, she would tell you it was Naraku’s fault. Or possibly the evil baby’s.
However, the rest of the group was a little less forgiving, and more than one dirty look had been thrown toward Inuyasha as they traveled back to the small village to regroup after their encounter. Kagome was quiet, Inuyasha was short tempered, and the entire group was tense.
The hanyou walked at the front, distancing himself from the others and trying to ignore the lingering smell of Kagome’s tears even as they tore at him. He had a deep scowl on his face, a physical reaction to the roiling emotions he was experiencing.
He hated this.
Hated the guilt that weighed him down even as relief that Kagome was ok made him breath easier. He hated the weakness he felt in the aftermath of the dread and fear leaving him when she had been rescued. But mostly, he hated the thought of Kagome scared and in pain, alone with their enemy and thinking…no, knowing , that he had left her unprotected to chase after Kikyo. Again.
It didn’t seem to matter to anyone else in their group that he had a commitment to Kikyo before he knew any of them, and he really couldn’t blame them. He knew they didn’t understand, and he had never even attempted to explain it. Words weren’t his thing, they failed him as often as they helped him.
His loyalty to Kikyo was rooted in a moment of his life when, for the first time, he believed he could find some form of acceptance. Even if it was as a human.
Kikyo had gone against her beliefs as a priestess and promised herself to him, to a life with him, and it had cost her everything.
If he hadn’t been as selfish as he had, she might have lived to an old age, had a peaceful life. A peaceful death. Not been turned into the angry husk of the woman he had known.
He knew Naraku still may have killed Kikyo and stolen the jewel, but it was Inuyasha’s choices that made him the instrument of that betrayal, and he was never able to forget it. It was too late to fulfill the pledge he and Kikyo made to each other when she was alive, but he was determined to fulfill his obligation to her as best as he could now.
But at what cost?
He wasn’t an idiot. He knew what the others thought about Kikyo and his choice to leave Kagome and chase after a rumor of her. They thought he had been so focused on the possibility of Kikyo’s survival that he hadn’t considered the convenience of those rumors. Hadn’t wasted any time with a plan or his friends’ safety. Kagome had told him to go and he went, as quickly as he could. He couldn’t even be mad at them for it, because they were right.
His ears flattened and his scowl deepened even further, remembering the moment he knew Kagome was in trouble.
He was worried about her when it was just the humans who had captured her, but the moment he recognized the scent of Naraku he felt raw fear. When he burst into the hut and saw how fully he had been manipulated, he felt sick with shame.
They knew. Everyone knew he would follow the rumors of Kikyo. And Kagome almost paid the ultimate price.
He wanted her away from here. Back in her time, with her loud noises and smelly fumes. He had saved her today, but Naraku wanted her for her ability to see the shards and he wouldn’t quit trying to find a way.
Inuyasha felt hyper-vigilant, not ready to believe that the attempt to kidnap Kagome was over. He was cataloging every sound and scent, peeking behind him every so often just to keep Kagome in sight. He didn’t like this fear, didn’t know what to do with it. He wanted to kill something.
He wanted to kill Naraku.
That bastard had stolen enough from Inuyasha and now he wanted Kagome too! It was too much. He had to find a way to destroy him. Not just to avenge Kikyo, but to protect Kagome.
Kagome, who was alive and insisted on being with him. Kagome, who never once cared that he was a half-breed. Kagome…who trusted him to keep her safe.
He felt the pang in his heart, familiar but different. With Kikyo there had always been a trace of the bitterness he had felt when he believed she had turned on him. His disgust had turned from her to Naraku, but it tainted every aspect of their relationship.
What he had with Kagome was deeper than that, and the pain went deeper as well. He had failed her.
He had tried to talk to her, right afterwards, before the rush of emotions hit him and he was still high on getting her back. Perversely, right when he most needed to talk to Kagome and hear some reassuring prattle from her, she was abnormally silent.
She had smiled, or tried to, and thanked him for saving her. But even as she said it, she was withdrawing from him, leaving the protection of his arms to sit on Kirara. He could feel her shut off from him and she wouldn’t meet his eyes, or even look in his direction.
It hurt, deeply. But it was no less than he deserved, and he knew it.
The group made their way back after that, much more slowly than usual. Miroku and Sango were still recovering from their fight with the soldiers, and Kagome was exhausted by the violation of her soul. With Inuyasha barely responding to anyone and Kirara carrying Kagome, Shippo seemed the least phased by the recent events.
“Kagome, will you be going home right away?” The little fox asked his question quietly, but the silence in which they had been traveling meant that everyone heard.
He had been sitting in front of her on Kirara and glanced up, giving her a sad look that told her he probably already knew the answer.
“Yeah, Shippo, I probably will. I have been away for awhile now. I’d like to see my family and restock some of our supplies.”
Knowing how the kitsune felt about her, and how her recent abduction probably upset him more than he let on, she scooped him up and gave him an extra squeeze. “And maybe I can find some of that pocky you like before I come back.”
This cheered the boy up immensely and he leaned into her, trying to surround himself in her scent before she went away again.
Kagome was happy that Shippo was so easily distracted. She hadn’t missed the way Inuyasha’s shoulders tensed when Shippo had asked about her returning home, and she didn’t miss the way they relaxed after she answered. Her spirits sunk even lower, which she didn’t think was possible. She felt her eyes burn with tears she refused to cry, at least here.
He had heard her. He had to have. There was no way someone with Inuyasha’s keen sense of hearing would miss words that she had practically been shouting seconds before he had smashed through the wall behind her.
It was bad enough that he had heard her, but then he pretended not to. Or at least, he didn’t indicate it in any way that Kagome expected to see. Inuyasha wasn’t really known for handling strong emotions well, so a proclamation of love should have left him blushing and spluttering, even if he didn’t feel the same way.
She ought to be grateful, she supposed.
It would be easy to keep on as they had been if they just ignored the fact that she loved him. They wouldn’t have to have any awkward conversations, she wouldn’t have to listen to him let her down easy with explanations of his feelings for Kikyo. No…if they ignored it, things were just business as usual.
So why did this feel so awful?
Kagome knew some of what she was feeling was left over from the infant, that sick slide of darkness that had crawled through her soul and left her feeling dirty everywhere. He had stirred up every jealous and resentful feeling she had ever had toward Inuyasha and Kikyo. It probably would have worked if it hadn’t been for the fact that she hadn’t yet realized she loved Inuyasha. That startling revelation gave her the strength to break away from the hold the infant had on her. It also made her feel incredibly vulnerable around Inuyasha.
From the moment she had regained consciousness, she couldn’t help but recoil from him. Just waiting for the moment that he gently broke her heart by telling her plainly what she already knew.
When he didn’t, at first, she realized of course he wouldn’t with the rest of their friends around. But she very quickly decided he wasn’t going to at all. This was not the behavior of an Inuyasha waiting to talk to her about her misplaced affection. This was the behavior of a very upset hanyou. The angrier he seemed to get, the more upset Kagome got. Convinced that hearing Kagome loved him brought Inuyasha nothing but irritation, she wasn’t surprised at all to notice he was relieved that she was going home. He had told her, time and time again, he didn’t see her like that. He didn’t think she was pretty, he didn’t think she was as good a shot as Kikyo, or as powerful as Kikyo, or anything as much as Kikyo. He cared for her, even put his own life in danger for her, but he didn’t love her. And he never would.
She knew, on some level, that was why she had fought her feelings for so long.
It didn’t do any good to acknowledge you loved someone who didn’t love you back, at least not when you had a life and death quest to complete with that person. That was probably the exact reason that Inuyasha chose not to say anything. If he ignored it for long enough, it was like it never happened. He could avoid an uncomfortable conversation and they could get back to searching for the shards.
Especially since she was the only one who could see them now.
She couldn’t help the shiver of fear that went through her at the memory. “Give me your eyes…” that creepy baby’s voice and his evil aura that pressed into her.
Shippo felt the shiver, and so did Kirara. The neko stopped for a moment and looked back over her shoulder at Kagome, assessing her with intelligent eyes.
“Kagome? Are you ok?”
Shippo’s small voice gained everyone’s attention just as Kaede’s village came into view. Miroku and Sango both turned quickly in concern, and even Inuyasha looked back at her sharply.
Kagome just shrugged, embarrassed by the attention. “Sorry everyone, I guess I’m still a little shaken up. I’ll be fine after I get some rest, I promise.”
Miroku and Sango shared a heavy look, but only nodded and turned back toward the village, knowing getting Kagome home was going to be the best thing for her.
Inuyasha looked at her for a few moments longer, inhaling deeply before his mouth set in a hard line and he closed his eyes, almost as if he was in pain. With a low growl he also turned back, though his ears had gone from being plastered to his head to fully erect and tilted outward.
Kirara continued walking along as well, while Shippo’s small hand started rubbing hers in comforting strokes. Slowly they made their way to the village, and somehow Kagome kept it together the rest of the way.
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At Kaede’s hut they all parted ways. Kagome had wanted to return immediately, not even taking the time to say goodbye to the old miko. Inuyasha seemed to agree, which she was determined to ignore this time.
Kagome was both relieved and more anxious.
As glad as she was to now be on her way to the well and home soon, she was also going to be alone with Inuyasha. Shippo had wanted to come to the well with her, and she had been tempted to keep him there as a buffer, but in the off chance Inuyasha did want to say something to her she needed to provide him the privacy to do so.
In the end, Inuyasha was the one to make the call, a quick grunt of “Feh, not today runt” shut down the young youkai and Kagome’s long hug with a promise to see him soon did little to cheer him.
Shippo’s anxious face as she left him behind was just another weight on her, but she simply couldn’t think about it right now.
She needed to go home. She needed a bath. She needed to cry for week. Then maybe she could start dealing with all the emotions that had been dredged up the last few days.
Unfortunately, there was the walk to the well and goodbye with Inuyasha to get through first. She couldn’t break down. She still had her pride at least! She was going to maintain. Get through this. Get home. Fall apart in the privacy of her own room.
It was a solid plan, and it might have worked if she hadn’t forgotten one thing. Inuyasha could be a flaming idiot sometimes.
It turns out, he did want to talk. But not about anything that Kagome expected.
She made it all the way to the well, had turned to him to thank him for walking her and was about to make the jump to her salvation, when he caught her hand.
“Kagome, wait…” She turned back, her heart suddenly beating a staccato. She looked down at where his hand still had held hers and, when his eyes went to it as well, he dropped it as if he had been burned.
Kagome felt a wave of rejection roll through her and, taking a deep, shaky breath, she looked away from him as she fought not to cry. “What do you want, Inuyasha?” her voice wobbled a little, but it was the best she could do. She desperately wanted to just throw herself in the well, she didn’t care how she landed on the other side. Anything to get away.
“Kagome, I…I’m so sorry. I know I promised to protect you and I failed. What you went through…” he took a deep breath before continuing. “I know you told me to go look for Kikyo, but I should have known. I should have known you would be a target and I..I let myself get…distracted.” He broke off again, obviously not used to apologizing or explaining himself. “It was inexcusable, and I understand if you can’t trust me to protect you anymore. But, I swear, I will never let that happen again. I will stop Naraku before he ever has another chance to hurt you.”
Kagome could not believe what she was hearing. He couldn’t be serious right now.
She turned back to him and saw the determined expression, the promise in his eyes that he meant what he said. Seizing on the anger that surged through her like a lifeline, she finally vented some of what had been building in her all day.
“You think I’m upset because you didn’t protect me?”
Her words shot out like angry darts and Inuyasha took a step back in surprise. He had been preparing for the worst from her, but this sentence didn’t make any sense to him and the longer he stood there in silence trying to figure it out, the madder she got.
“I have been kidnapped before, Inuyasha! I have been bitten and shot with an arrow, possessed and poisoned and boiled! Did I ever once get angry with you for any of it?”
Inuyasha blinked in bewildered confusion. Kagome got mad at him all the time, but looking back he couldn’t remember a single time she had sat him for her getting hurt.
At least…not physically hurt.
“But…I left you! Right when you needed me to protect you the most! I know you are upset, I can smell it, so don’t try to lie.” He knew anger wasn’t the right approach to take, but it was the easiest emotion for him to handle right now.
Luckily, it seemed to be the same for Kagome, because she shot right back at him.
“Of course I’m upset! I can’t believe you are being so obtuse about this Inuyasha! I know you heard me, let’s just deal with it and then you can go back to ignoring everything!”
Now he was really confused. Heard her? Heard her when?
“Wench, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I know you were crying right after, but I didn’t need to hear that because I could smell you just as easy.”
Kagome closed her eyes, defeated. “The baby, Inuyasha. What I said to the baby, right before you got there.” She still couldn’t say it to him. Knowing how he felt, it was so much more painful to have to say it to him than to some psychotic infant.
“Kagome, I don’t have a damn clue what you are talking about. I didn’t hear nothing from that hut, just smelt you and Naraku and knew you were in trouble. What did you say?”
Kagome was stunned. She couldn’t even catalogue the gamut of emotions that ran through her at his words.
Was it possible? It couldn’t have been due to the distance. His hearing was excellent and she had been shouting just seconds before he got there. Was something blocking the sound? She didn’t remember anything really, other than the memories the baby was stirring up as she made her way out of the fog he had put her in.
If there was some kind of barrier keeping Inuyasha from hearing them, she didn’t think she would have even sensed it.
She looked into his eyes and realized he wouldn’t have been this cruel to her. If he had truly heard her, he would have said something. Probably something sad and disappointing, but he wouldn’t have just ignored it, she should have known better. After all the turmoil she went through today… he didn’t even know.
That was it. That was the very last thing she could take.
To her horror, tears rushed to her eyes before she could stop them and she saw the alarm and Inuyasha’s face right before she whirled back toward the well.
“I have to go! Please don’t…please don’t follow me” she managed to sob out before pushing herself up and over the ledge and letting the soothing blue light envelop her. As soon as she hit the ground on the other side, she didn’t give herself time to think. She couldn’t fight the tears that were streaming down her face or the sobs that wracked her, but she didn’t let them stop her from making her way into her house, up the stairs and into her room.
She threw her dirty yellow bag on the floor and herself on the bed, curling into a ball and just letting the tears come.
She didn’t even register the complete silence throughout the rest of the house.