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34 ABY - STARKILLER BASE
Kylo Ren was not dead yet, but he was almost positive he would be soon.
He watched X-wings and TIE fighters chase each other across the black sky through a large hole in the cover of trees that surrounded him as he lay in the snow. He was grateful for the cold, mildly numbing his open wounds. They were deep, though, enough that he still felt their sting and an ache that spread throughout his whole body.
He turned his head to the left and watched his own blood spill out and pool in the snow from the blaster wound in his side, the thick, dark red liquid contrasting ominously with the gleaming white dust that covered the forest floor. When Chewbacca had first shot him, Kylo channeled as much of the Force as he could muster into keeping the hole in his side from tearing open further, but now, he had acquired even more, deeper wounds, so many that he did not think he could bear to keep himself alive for much longer.
In his weakened state, Kylo feared he was unwittingly permitting himself to slowly bleed out.
He raised a gloved hand to the gash on his face, given to him by the scavenger girl-- Rey , he had learned was her name when he read her mind--before the ground was split open between them, leaving them stranded and separated on opposite sides of the chasm.
I might be fully dead if the Force had not separated us so, Kylo thought.
He pulled his hand away from his face and found it, too, was covered in shining crimson. Rey had sliced open the right side of his face from his cheek all the way down to the top of his pectoral. His tunic was singed in multiple places from all of the hits he took in his two lightsaber battles, both with the girl and that traitor stormtrooper, FN-2187.
The detail that angered Kylo most was that he had been struck down with the lightsaber that ought to have been his, as it had previously belonged to both his uncle and his grandfather. As much as Kylo despised Luke, he saw the value in the family heirloom. And he really did despise his uncle Luke.
Luke had claimed that he knew what was best for Kylo, back when he was still called Ben Solo, but truthfully, the Jedi Master did not understand his nephew at all. Luke feared him, just as his parents had, ever since he was a child, before he even knew what the Force was or how to control it. The young Ben had tried in vain for so many years to be the good child that he thought his family wanted, but he learned, in time, that it was no use. They had always viewed him as a monster. So, Kylo had decided on that fateful night when he left Luke’s academy, that perhaps he would finally give them something to fear--Kylo would become the monster they had always made him out to be.
The surge of rage toward the memory of his uncle was good for Kylo in that moment. It helped him channel the dark side and work to prolong his life again for as long as he could muster.
Kylo focused on that rage. He focused on the cold. He focused on taking deep breaths, on watching the crisp air come out in visible clouds in front of his mouth every time he exhaled. He focused on the present moment and nothing else.
He consciously directed his thoughts away from his father, and the way he had called out his former name, Ben , before crossing the bridge alone, unarmed. Kylo did not think about the wrinkles and the gray hair that Han Solo bore, how he had aged so much since the last time Kylo had seen him when he was a boy. How his father’s sagging hand had caressed his face in his final moments, those moments that Kylo practically kept Han upright on the end of his sparking lightsaber, before retracting it and watching his father fall down, down, down, into the abyss so deep that Kylo knew not when Han Solo’s lifeless body finally hit the bottom, laid waste by his own flesh and blood.
Kylo Ren never thought about his childhood, except to remember the way his parents spoke of him behind closed doors when they thought he couldn’t hear, those rare occasions when they even paid him enough attention to fear him.
He never thought about his father lifting his small body above his head while his younger self laughed and laughed, as his mother looked on disapprovingly, hiding her own smile. He never thought about Han taking him into his lap and rubbing his back when he would have night terrors as a child, those years before Ben had learned to wake himself without screaming aloud. He never thought of Han taking Ben’s small hand in his and leading him up the ramp of the Millenium Falcon to let him sit in the co-pilot’s seat and show him the controls for the first time.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, Kylo repeated in his head like a mantra, even as hot tears spilled from his eyes, mixing with the fresh blood on his face and leaving his skin wetter and more uncomfortable even than before.
His father was dead. Kylo killed him.
Supreme Leader Snoke had told him it was his final test, that Kylo would feel stronger afterward.
Kylo did not feel strong.
He knew he would not make Snoke proud by lying in the snow and crying. There was no changing the past, only moving forward, so Kylo huffed and began making his way into a sitting position. It was much harder than he expected, and everything still hurt, but Kylo got there eventually. Once sitting, Kylo reached for his lightsaber where it rested beside him and clipped the weapon back onto his belt.
Standing, he found, was even more difficult than sitting. His long legs did not appear to want to move. He called out to the Force to help him and a moment later he was on his feet.
Kylo’s eyes darted around the forest. His head was pounding and he was using so much of his energy to sustain the Force within his damaged body that he felt sweat beading on his forehead and dripping from his hair into his eyes, despite the freezing temperature of Starkiller Base’s atmosphere.
He heard his own deep, ragged breathing as if from somewhere outside his body, focusing now on putting one foot in front of the other as he trudged through the snow. With every step he took, moving became easier and he was able to follow the line of trees toward the place he knew he would find the First Order’s ship hangar.
I can be strong, Kylo thought to himself. I have followed Snoke’s orders and I will live to hear his praise. I will make my master proud.