Chapter Text
I’m not going to lie, this all started off as little more than a petty, ego, revenge thing. I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me -with Poe Freaking Dameron of all people- and I responded the only way I knew how.
I wasn’t going to let everyone think I was home alone crying in my room over some stupid chick I wasn’t that in to in the first place. Don’t get me wrong -I liked Kaydel. She was smart and pretty and had a warm smile that felt really good when it was on you. But she reminded me too much of my mother; fleeting with her attention and full of ambition.
So there I was, with exactly one day to find a date before Hux’s party. I wasn’t going to miss it and I wasn’t going to go alone. Screw Kaydel and screw Poe. I’d have a new and improved girlfriend in less than 24 hours to show them just how little either of them meant to me.
I was outside my house washing my motorcycle meditatively, running through a mental checklist of every girl I knew, when I looked up and there she was.
I recognized Rey of course; she’d been living opposite me our whole lives after all. But she was just a kid -a cute kid at that but just a kid- so I never paid her much attention. Well she wasn’t a kid anymore.
I looked her up and down critically: pretty face, sweet smile, great legs. Seemed promising. I decided she’d do at least for one night. Definitely hot enough to make Dameron jealous but not in a trashy way Kaydel would look down on or make the others think I’d hired a freaking prostitute or something.
And she was obviously into me. There was zero chance of being rejected and I needed that too. I’d taken enough hits lately. I didn’t for a moment think it was a coincidence she was wearing a T-Shirt with my favorite band, or that she’d opted for a leather jacket and super tight jeans to go shopping with her friend. She wanted me to notice her. I obliged.
The party went exactly as I’d hoped. Dameron’s eyes practically fell out of his head when he got one look at Rey in her tight mini dress. Kaydel had the dignity to hide her jealousy, but I could read it in her body language. Two birds with one stone.
I wasn’t overly concerned about whether or not I wanted this to be a long-term thing with Rey. I was enjoying her company sure, and she felt real good curled up on my lap. I could tell that she was shy, naïve and probably a virgin, but I didn’t think too much about it. All her squirming was getting me hard as fuck though, so I figured, why the hell not? Everyone loses their virginity some time. At least I could make it good for her.
And that’s exactly what I tried to do. Of course she was nervous and a little drunk, but so was I my first time. She just needed me to take control, reassure her a bit. After all, she was clearly into me, so responsive to my touch, and she would be into the sex once we got the painful part out of the way. I was half right. She did come for me and goddamn did that feel incredible. So I was completely taken aback when I turned around to find her in the grip of a panic attack.
I recognized it right away. I was prone to panic attacks myself as a kid until I discovered drugs and alcohol as a means of numbing the anxiety. Rey looked so small and fragile, it awoke something in me, something new. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and tell her everything was going to be alright. I wanted to hold and comfort her and pet her hair and whisper soothing things. But the only dumb thing I could think to say was, “I’ll get you the pill. It's nothing to get worked up over.” Idiot!
So I helped her get dressed and took her home and internally fretted over what to do. I realized I’d done more damage than I first thought when she tried to walk away from me the second I cut the engine. I didn’t let that happen, couldn’t let that happen. I needed to look into her eyes, to see that she was okay.
And that was the moment I knew. I don’t know how or why, I just did. Maybe it was the haunted look in her hazel eyes that I’d seen reflected back at me in the mirror too often. Maybe it was the trusting way she leaned into my touch when I caressed her cheek. Maybe it was the way this simple act made my skin tingle and my heart skip a beat. It was like some kind of instinctive, punch to the gut: she was the one.
I let her go and tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I obsessively trawled social media for more clues about Rey, who she really was, what made her tick, and I found nothing. Just the minimalist of Facebook profiles and a barely used Instagram account. Goddam. She was even more private than me. I was intrigued. Who was this girl?
So I got up and went to get her the Plan B pill like I said I would. Whatever my faults I always follow through on my promises. Besides it was a good excuse to go over there. I didn’t want to seem overly eager. Her mum was home, so I climbed up to her room just in time to hear Rey going downstairs. That was good. Gave me a chance to do a little groundwork first.
Standing in her bedroom I had the strangest sensation that I’d been in it before. Call it fate, Déjà vu, whatever you like. It could have been my old room, I realized, from a few years back before I started smoking and drinking -except for the daisies. Her bookshelves were crammed with my favorite stories, though unlike the band T-Shirt I knew there was no way she could have known or planned that. She hid her diary in the same place I used to hide mine. We also seemed to share a distaste for extra-curriculars and organized group activities of any description.
Looking around, it occurred to me how different Rey was from every other girl I’d dated. Their rooms were usually a mess of makeup and shoes and magazines and were sickly sweet with the smell of perfume. They had dumb posters of dumb movie stars and vision boards of whatever Kardashian they were obsessed with that week.
Of course, Kaydel hadn’t been exactly like that either. I’d thought she was different too and she was. Not shallow like those other girls, but selfish. Looking around, I doubted very much that Rey was either shallow or selfish. Based on the notes she’d written in the margins of her books she was mature for her age and capable of deep complex introspection.
I smiled fondly at the obviously well-loved teddy bear, and then I felt a pang of guilt when I remembered how terrified Rey had looked after we’d had sex. She could have used her teddy then, curled up like a wounded puppy on the bed where I’d taken her innocence. I would need to replace that memory with a better one. I didn’t want her to have a fucked-up idea of sex as this painful, traumatic thing.
So that’s exactly what I did. I hadn’t intended to straight away, but she looked so sexy and adorable in her little singlet and shorts with her hair all rumpled and her expression so unguarded. And the girl just does something to me! Her hazel eyes draw me in, the taste of her lips is intoxicating, her skin makes my own burn.
So I fucked her again. I tried to make it longer, I tried to make her come harder, all while trying to be as quiet as possible. And when it was over she looked like a goddess splayed out on the bed beneath me. I wanted to capture her in that moment forever so naturally I took a photo. I didn’t think it would bother her. Why shouldn’t I have a naked photo of my own girlfriend?
When she asked if I was going to show it to anyone I couldn’t help rolling my eyes, the idea was so ludicrous. As if I would ever let another dude look at naked photos of my girl. I’d punch their lights out just for staring at her too long fully dressed.
But I sensed that once again I’d fucked up and retreated quickly before I could make another mistake. I was always fucking things up. That’s why everyone leaves me. I don’t know why I have to ruin everything.
Eventually I got to sleep but felt like shit the next day at work. I still went though. I needed the money, and it’s good of Uncle Lando to find jobs for me even if its just a few hours here and there doing basic construction shit. I kept glancing at the photo of Rey on my phone and wondering what she was up to. At school probably. Was she thinking about me too? Was she already pent up and longing to feel me again like I was her?
I left a note for her on her bed as soon as I got back from work because I realized like an idiot I’d forgotten to get her number. I wrote the first line, come on over, then stopped. I didn’t want to be needy and say ‘please’ or ‘soon’, but I wanted her to get some sense of urgency from it, so I added, and don’t keep me waiting. Good enough.
Then I went home and showered and took a nap so I wouldn’t pass out the second Rey came over. When she did she looked really pretty and I wondered if she dressed up for me. Of course she had. I shook myself. Rey wasn’t going to leave me like Kaydel and my parents. Rey was special, and she was really into me. It would be different this time.
This confidence was instantly shaken watching Rey take in my room. I’d never really cared that much about what my ex’s thought about me, so it was a new and uncomfortable sensation to realize I really did care about Rey’s opinion. I tried to play it cool and started on the beer to ease the anxiety building in my chest. I laughed when Rey choked down a few gulps of hers. She really was adorable. And fucking hot.
I couldn’t wait a second longer. I was already ridiculously turned on just from kissing her. I felt like a bloody fourteen-year-old virgin again. And then she stopped me. A jolt of panic knocked me off balance and made my voice sound harsher than I meant it to. Was she rejecting me? Already? How had I fucked this up so soon? Of course she was going to fucking leave me. Everyone left me.
She was back on the condom thing. The paranoid part of me screamed it was just an excuse to get away from me. I’d got her the pill before hadn’t I? Nope, it was just an excuse. For a moment I teetered on the edge of a full-blown panic attack. Then I looked, really looked, into her face and I cursed myself. She was terrified again.
What the fuck was I doing?
I ran out of the room before I could make it any worse. I don’t remember consciously riding over to the drugstore or buying the box of condoms but twenty minutes later I was back home with them in my pocket so I must have. I was relieved Rey hadn’t left yet though she’d clearly been crying the whole time I was gone. I felt even more annoyed with myself and naturally took it out on her because as we’ve established I’m an idiot. God she probably hated me. She was definitely going to leave me now.
But she didn’t. She said, “thank you”. I heard awe in her voice, as if no one had ever done a nice thing for her before. It tugged at my heart. I sat down on the bed with her and brushed away her tears. She smiled at me. Even after I’d snapped at her. Even after I’d stormed out. She was still here, still smiling at me like I wasn’t an irredeemable monster.
I was prepared to try and make love to Rey more gently to atone for my earlier callousness but to my shock she wrapped her legs around me, drawing me deeper inside her, and ran her fingers through my hair until I was practically drooling like a dog having its belly scratched.
We cuddled after, and I wondered dazedly how in the space of 48 hours I’d fallen so hard for a girl I didn’t even know the name of before. But Rey really was special. When she confided that she just wanted to feel safe, that same new protective instinct once more seized me. She was my baby girl. I could and I would protect her from everything. She’d never need to be frightened again.
Rey drifted off peacefully in my arms and for a while I just basked in the glow of the beginnings of my first love. She was so beautiful, angelic really. She deserved so much better than me. I’m unlovable. Sooner or later she’d work that out and leave. Like everyone else. Ice cold panic slithered through my veins.
I responded the only way I knew how. I drank more beer. And when that wasn’t enough I got stoned. And when that still wasn’t enough I got fucked up. Then, naturally, Rey woke up. I’d have worried about her seeing me like that but that’s kind of the point of taking drugs. I was too out of it to feel shame or anxiety. Instead, feeling pleasantly numb, I babbled on mindlessly about my deepest insecurities, and in the morning I woke up feeling mortified and like death warmed up.
I forced myself up and off to work, trying to trick my body into functioning by scoffing down a bag of greasy hash browns and McMuffins on the way. Lando took one look at me and sent me home.
“There’s no way you’re handling heavy loads or machinery with that crazy fucking look in your eye. Go home and rest up. I’ll find you something else soon I promise.”
I was annoyed but couldn’t blame him. I’d be a hazard on the busy work site. Apparently I was bent on ruining everything lately.
So I crawled back into bed to rest and lick my wounds, and slept the entire day and night away. I woke up briefly in the early hours of the morning, reflected that I still hadn’t gotten Rey’s number yet so I couldn’t even text her to see if she was okay, and then passed out again.