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English
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Published:
2022-02-06
Completed:
2022-06-18
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7,147
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5/5
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is it real? (you believe you're guiltless)

Summary:

In a moment of vulnerability, Izuku tells her friends about her and Katsuki's past.

They aren't happy.

 

Or: the many reasons why we are all fucked up, we all have problems, and we all deserve to heal in spite of them.

Notes:

okay so quick note on izuku and katsuki's gender identities,,,
(Hello yes as of a while ago i changed this bc I feel like she/her izuku fits the story better)
Katsuki is they/them but is not referred to as such until they reveal that, because I'm writing from the perspective of the individual characters, and they all only know as much as Katsuki tells them.

title from guiltless by dodie

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: there is a wall in my life built by you

Notes:

Chapter title: Guiltless by Dodie

Chapter Text

1-A problem children

 

small might: anyone else in a mood today

 

tea time: what kind of mood, midoriya?

 

small might: the one where you kinda wanna go up to the roof because sunsets are pretty and life is beautiful but you also kinda wanna jump off at the same time

small might deleted one message

small might: whoops haha don't know where that came from 😅

 

icythot: midoriya??? are you okay???

 

small might: yeah lol i'm fine dw

 

 

todoroki stop spamming the chat with conspiracies

 

green bean: i'm not fine

 

zero g: what's wrong, izuku?

 

green bean: i'm just being dumb and making a big deal out of the past. it's nothing really. 

 

kero: it's not nothing if it's making you feel this way, midoriya. please tell us. maybe we can help.

 

green bean: you definitely can't, but okay...

green bean: when me and kacchan were in middle school, he said a lot of mean things to me. i'm sure you all could've guessed that. but while now he mostly sticks to tame insults, like "nerd" or "deku", he used to be... a lot worse. he mostly gave me shit for being too feminine (i wasn't out as trans or genderfluid yet) and not having a quirk at the time. he used to beat me up quite a bit, too, but that's irrelevant.

 

mom: oh goodness! how far did he take it?

 

green bean: please, momo, I don't want to say. I don't want to start any fights, you guys will just get upset if I tell you.

 

sonic: with all due respect, Midoriya, if it's something worth being angry about, then we are going to be angry about it, whether you want us to be or not.

sonic: also, I deeply apologize that I cannot be there to help comfort you. I must go now, I'm helping my mother prepare dinner.

 

green bean: don't be sorry, Iida! I would never be angry at you for wanting to visit your family. I'm not THAT needy.

green bean: and, if you insist on knowing... he also told me to kill myself last year. he did break my arm when we were ten also, haha

 

zuko: he did what?!

 

zero g: somebody better come over here and hold me back, 'cause i am about to commit a murder.

 

kero: i'll help, kero.

 

green bean: what

green bean: guys no this isn't what I want this isn't why I told you

green bean: what are you going to do I'm scared

green bean: please don't try to hurt kacchan

 

zero g: too fucking late.

 

 

1-A problem children

 

round started a voice chat

round: everyone join. NOW.

 

icythot joined the voice chat

 

tea time joined the voice chat

 

frog joined the voice chat

 

jax: wtf???

 

round: just fucking do it

 

pika pika: well shit okay then

pika pika joined the voice chat

 

jax joined the voice chat

 

pink joined the voice chat

 

flex tape joined the voice chat

 

round: @boom boom you too, bitch. don't think you're getting out of this. @red you might wanna join for your sake, so you can know how badly your boyfriend fucked up.

 

red: who the FUCK do you think you're talking to???? certainly not my katsuki. not if you value your life.

 

boom boom: holy fuck eijirou, calm down. it's okay.

 

red: ... katsuki, do you know something about this? you never get this quiet unless you're upset. do we need to talk?

 

round: oh, we need to talk, alright. join. you too, izuku. i want you to be here for this.

 

Izuku nervously presses the "join" button on her phone screen. "Wait, O-Ochaco, honey, y-you don't have to-"

 

She's interrupted by two dings. 

 

red joined the voice chat

 

boom boom joined the voice chat

 

"There you are, fucker." Ochaco's voice is downright venomous. "You wanna explain this?"

 

round sent an attachment

 

Kaminari gasps. "Woah! Not cool, dude!"

 

"Jeez, blasty, did you really break her arm?"

 

Jirou scoffs. "I can't believe I thought you were cool. What a fucking disappointment."

 

"... Katsuki?" Kirishima sounds shocked. "Did you really do that? Did you really... Say those things?"

 

Kacchan takes a deep breath, but Izuku notices how it shakes on the exhale. "Yes. I did."

 

"See?! He admits to it! Kirishima, you know I don't have a problem with you, but you need to break up with him. He doesn't deserve you."

 

Izuku's eyes widen. "What?! Ochaco! What the hell are you talking about?! You have no right to mess with Kacchan and Kirishima's relationship!"

 

"Kirishima is my friend!" Ochaco counters. "He doesn't deserve to get pushed around by a suicide-baiting bully!"

 

"Katsu? Why would you do that?" Kirishima doesn't get a response. "Hello?"

 

Izuku checks his icon and notices that he's on mute. "Kacchan? Why are you on mute?" She asks, slightly panicked.

 

Todoroki scoffs, clearly offended by Kacchan's silence. "Hiding from us like a coward. Can't believe him."

 

"Todoroki, Ochaco, stop. He can still hear you. You're not helping anything, you're not solving anything."

 

Ochaco huffs. "So what if he can hear us? Good for him- now he knows how much of a monster he is! Honestly, he should've joined the League when he had the chance. I can see him as a villain." Izuku hears everyone except him and Kirishima— Todoroki, Asui, Yaoyorozu, Ashido, Kaminari, Sero, and Jirou— murmuring in agreement.

 

What the hell?! Izuku thought she knew these people, her classmates, her friends. Clearly, she's wrong, because who the fuck ARE they?! She is floored by their cruelty, by the ease with which they've turned on Kacchan. Were they ever on his side? Were they just, what, tolerating him until they could find an excuse to hate him with no repercussions? "Ochaco! What is wrong with you?!"

 

"What's wrong with you?!" She shoots back, so fast it almost seems like she doesn't notice that she says it like an insult. "You're defending someone who broke your arm!"

 

Izuku wants to reach through the phone and strangle her girlfriend. This is why she never tells anyone anything! They always try to take matters into their own hands! They don't ever actually fucking listen! "Yeah, when we were ten! I told you guys about that because I trusted you, because I wanted you to understand how I was feeling. I didn't want you to turn around and attack my oldest friend because of it! In fact, I'm pretty sure I explicitly told you that that WASN'T what I wanted!"

 

"Maybe you don't know what's best for you," Todoroki responds with a bit of urgency in his voice, and somehow, this angers Izuku even more. The fucking gall. The audacity he must have to suggest that she can work alongside pro heroes and risk life and limb and fight in fucking wars but is incapable of deciding who to keep in her life. Can't decide who deserves to be forgiven. She's about to go on another tirade when—

 

"Um, g-guys? Kirishima sounds almost scared. "I can hear Katsuki from my room... It sounds like he's... C-crying?"

 

Ochaco laughs, a harsh and cruel sound. "Oh, is he now? Well, Bakugou, I got three words for you: BOO HOO, BITCH!"

 

"STOP THIS NOW OR I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU." Silence descends upon the voice chat. Okay, I guess everyone heard that... Izuku can't decide if she's more amazed that she had the courage for those words to leave her mouth or disgusted that it got to the point where she couldn't have stopped them if she tried. Usually her adrenaline-fueled confidence is reserved for villains, and competitive exercises in class. This kind of fight-or-flight response feels wrong when it's directed at her classmates, at her girlfriend, but she can't help it. "I'm fucking serious, Ochaco. If you keep saying hurtful things to and about Kacchan, I will leave you. Kacchan is like my fucking brother. I love you, but I will always choose my family first." She pauses, counting to five to calm down for a moment. "Though, if I'm being honest, I'd rather not have to choose at all." She swallows and takes a shaky breath. "Please, Ocha."

 

She's met with silence. No apology is given, but at least Ochaco stopped. Izuku chooses to read the quiet as remorseful rather than begrudging.

 

Izuku hears rustling and footsteps from her phone. "Hey, uh, Midoriya. Wanna come check on him with me? I-I think... I think he needs us right now."

 

"Of course, Kirishima." Izuku is about to hang up, but she hesitates. "I love you, Ochaco," she adds finally. It feels true— she knows that this isn't the end of them, that they will likely come back from this (though she can only hope it's with a sincere effort to change). Besides, Izuku wouldn't lie at a moment like this, wouldn't say "I love you" just to placate someone she's still definitely very angry with.

 

She sighs and hangs up to go meet with Kirishima.