Chapter Text
I watch her fingers move over the chains of his bracelet, I rub my fingers over it's twin on my own wrist. We had gotten them together the day he and I became Dauntless members. I've never been very sentimental and he wasn't either, but it was a symbol of our brotherhood. A bond just between us.
"You're my brother, I'll always have your back. Come hell or high water." So I had put the stainless steel bracelet on, and never took it off. Being an only child I always wanted a brother, and in that moment I knew I finally did.
But not anymore.
The only real family I've ever known is gone. He left me here and he left her too. My eyes go back to her face. She hasn't said a word since they gave us the news. Both of our worlds had come to a crashing halt. He was dead. My best friend, and the love of her life.
We sit in James office now. Our new leader after Max retired, and wait for his will to be read. She doesn't look up when James enters or when he says our names. He states we are both here because Gadreel left something for each of us. Her eyes move up then looking at James' hand. She reaches for the papers and I take my own as well.
The Last Will and Testimony of Gadreel Abernathy.
I skim through the standard wording of Dauntless protocol then flip to the last page. It's a typed letter from Gadreel. It's not emotional just a few simple requests. Take care of Elizabeth and myself. Don't kill half the city in revenge, and try to let her in. I pause at that rereading it again. Then he explains that it will happen whether I want it to or not. Instead of his signature he writes come hell or high water.
I don't breakdown or punch a wall, I just fold the paper up, and then put it in my jacket pocket. I don't feel much of anything currently. I know I should, but I can't. My eyes shift to Elizabeth. Her letter was longer and she has a small smile on her face. Maybe he got more emotional with hers, but I doubt it. Their relationship was always strange to me. They weren't like most couples in dauntless, but they made quite the pair.
She looks up at me, eyes dark and sad, her smile slips. We hold eye contact for a moment, she stares like she is searching for something. If it's answers I don't have any. If she is looking for emotion well I don't have any of that either. James explains that Gadreel's apartment is now Elizabeth's by request. He goes over the funeral details. Which I don't want to hear about, but I'm expected to speak at the ceremony. We were both leaders so that means I will have to say a few words.
I'm also listed as his brother.
I nod my head in agreement to spea and James quietly dismisses us. Elizabeth and I leave the office, we both need to get ready for the funeral tonight. We walk to our separate apartments. His is right beside mine and I struggle to find words to say to her.
It's not like we are strangers the three of us spent a lot of time together. I should know what to say.
"I'll meet you back here in an hour, we'll go together if you want." It doesn't sound like I'm asking. My voice is hard and cold, making it more like I'm stating a fact.
"Okay, I'll see you in an hour." Elizabeth's sounds calm and steady. She has always reminded calm, even in the most stressful situations, I admire that about her. I watch her enter the apartment, I wait until the door closes, realizing I'll never see him walk through it again.
My chest tightens and I do my best to push it down.
She dresses formally, just a simple black dress, long black boots. Her usually wavy hair is straight, natural looking makeup, no flashy jewelry. She still wears the bracelet on her wrist. I wear my leaders uniform, ironed to perfection, with my new boots.
We arrive together, quiet, but standing tall. Everyone greets her, offering sympathy, telling her he was a true warrior. She keeps close to me never straying far. I don't mind. Jace makes his way to her flanking her right side, while I stay to her left.
Jace is Elizabeth's closest friend, they like me and Gadreel, survived initiation together. Jace finished second and Elizabeth third. They had grown up together in Amity, both choosing Dauntless at seventeen. Also like myself and Gadreel, she considers Jace her brother.
He nods at me over the crowd, he is still dressed in his squad gear. Gadreel was his patrol leader. They had gotten along well. Gadreel had seen a lot of promise in Jace to be a future patrol leader.
I give my speech, face blank, voice still hard and cold. My eyes keep drifting to hers in the crowd. She doesn't cry, and she doesn't join in on the cheers of his name. Jace's hand stays firmly in hers. She keeps are eyes locked on me.
It hits me at my core.
I walk back down to the pit, I see them standing there, I also see Jace reach for Elizabeth to take her in his arms. She pulls away slowly, giving him a small shake of her head. I catch their conversation as I walk up.
"No, I'm fine Jay. I think I'm just going to go, I don't want to talk to anyone else right now." She has an edge to her voice, but she covers it up quickly.
"You guys stay, drink, tell stories. I'm tired and I have a lot to do tomorrow. I'll see later, goodnight." She doesn't look at me as she passes, just moving easily and quickly through the crowd. I watch her go and feel a pull to follow. Jace squeezes my shoulder, patting it once, then heads to the bar.
"She just wants to be alone. There's no talking to her when she gets like this anyway." Jace calls to me from his bar stool. My skin suddenly feels to tight, my uniform itchy, I don't know what to do. I think maybe a drink or five will help. By my third I'm ready to leave. There is too many people, mostly wanting to talk to me. Which is weird cause usually people avoid me. I'm not an approachable person. I work hard to make it that way. I snag a bottle from the bar, not really knowing what my plan is just that I need to go and now.
I stand there in front of his door, knowing that when I knock he won't be the one answering, but I knock anyway.
It feels odd to knock. I usually don't Because I have my own key. I decide to knock first just in case she wants the privacy. She came up here to be alone after all. When no response comes I open the door slowly, she sits on the couch with bottle of wine on the table.
"Eric." She isn't in the dress anymore and I hear the question in her voice. Why are you here? I'm not sure myself. So I hold up the bottle rising my brows at her. She grabs her own bottle and shaking it back at me. I huff moving to sit down on the couch beside her. I relax into the cushions, pull the top off the bottle. She is drinking Amity wine. I give her a hard time about it anytime we drink. I chuckle even now.
"Don't even start Coulter, it taste better than that gasoline you drink." Her lips are a little red. I wonder how much she's had?
"You just keep your fruity hippie shit over there, and I'll drink my real alcohol." It's easy to slip into our usual banter. We argue fairly often. Nothing to mean spirited or hurtful. Just simple quips back and forth.
"So what, you came up here to drink all alone?" She shrugs like it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
"Yeah, I just didn't want to deal with all that ya know, all these people saying sorry and how great he was. I hate fucking funerals. A bunch of fucking hypocrites." I do know. It's a shitty situation. Which is why I left to come here.
"I don't even think they were really there for him, I think they were all there out of obligation." It's true, Gadreel wasn't a bad guy, but he wasn't loved. Not like Elizabeth is. Everyone likes her, respects her, even the other factions welcome her with open arms.
He was known for being strong, determined, dominant. He was called cold and calculated. But that's how you have to be to do our jobs. Leaders carry a lot of weight on their shoulders. Our faction depends on us to make the right calls.
"They can all get fucked. You should have been the one they were throwing sympathy at not me. He was your best friend. I was just the girl he was dating." I clench my jaw, I don't want their sympathy, and she was more than that.
I take another drink, it burns all the way down. We continue to drink and talk well into the night, I blame the whiskey for my confessions. I tell her I'm not okay with this. He wasn't suppose to die, and if he did I was suppose to be there. It should have been me instead.
What the fuck is in this whiskey?
She doesn't try to reach for me or get all emotional. She just plays with the bracelet, then slips it off her wrist, holding it out to me.
"You should have it. I just put it on cause I didn't want to lose it. He never took it off." I look at it, taking it from her fingers, I feel my stomach tighten. I put it on my wrist, right beside my own, it doesn't feel right.
When I up back up she is smiling down at my wrist. Her eyes full with tears but they don't fall. I should do something. Pull her into arms and hold her. But I stay freeze in place until she looks away.
"You can stay here if you want. I'm going to go to bed I'm tired. I'll go get the extra blankets from the closet." Elizabeth doesn't wait for my answer, but it's not the first time I've crashed on the couch. She would always cover me up and make sure my boots were off.
I take them off myself this time. I wait until she is in the bedroom before I strip my shirt and pants.
I get comfortable, trying to push the day from my mind, but his words float around my head. Why would ask me to help her through this, I'm not that person and he knew that better than anyone. I get angry. Angry that he would ask this of me, angry that he left us here with this mess. Fuck him. I feel tears in my eyes. I'm not weak, I don't cry. People die all the time and you just have to suck it up. You find a way to deal with it and move on.
But I can't help feeling like I failed him.
I wake up the next morning feeling like shit, and smelling of whiskey. But I have a new determination inside of me. I won't let this break me, and I won't let it break her either. We will survive this because we have too. I move quietly to the back bedroom. I slowly open the door, she lays curled in a ball, covered up with blankets. She still lays on her side of the bed, the one against the wall. I pull the bracelet off my wrist.
I place it on his pillow by her head. He would want her to keep it. That's what he meant for me to do, take care of her the way we took care of each other. That's what I intend to do. Come hell or high water.
We only have each other now.
I think of all the times she had been kind to me for no reason other than she wanted too. Elizabeth made me my first birthday cake. I acted like the whole thing was ridiculous. Glaring at the cake like it had wronged me. But that had only made her smile wider. She had hugged me.
I tried not to tense in her arms.
She never got mad when I just showed up demanding dinner. Or if I kept Gadreel out late. If she stopped by to bring Gadreel lunch. She would bring something for me too. I had thought she was just trying to win me over because I was Gadreel's best friend. It made sense.
After a few months I realized maybe we were friends too. I decided it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Elizabeth is funny and very smart for a former Amity. She also has a mean streak a mile long.
That just makes arguing with her so much better.
I don't mind her company and that's saying a lot because I dislike most people. It's hard not notice how pretty she is. But I try very hard to do just that. She is a little touchy. Which is new to me. Most people shrink away from me. But not her. She has been different from the start.
I couldn't stop thinking about her during initiation. I had thought about just sleeping with her after it was over. But something about that didn't sit well with me. Then Gadreel noticed her. He would give her more than I could. I watched him fall for her a little more each day. Elizabeth had a way of making his sharp edges smoother. They worked in their own weird way.
I knew it was better that he had her. So I stopped thinking about her. Every so often I would look at her and wonder if we could have what they did. Would she want me like that? Could I let myself be that close to someone? Would we have loved each other?
The easy and safest answer was no. I wouldn't know what to do with being loved. I certainly wouldn't know how to love someone in return. She made it seem easy. I blame the Amity in her for seeing the good in people, even if there isn't any. I would watch the way he would look at her. Like she was something irreplaceable. He really loves her. Which is why I kept my thoughts to myself and will continue to do so.
But as I get ready that morning. I can't stop myself from thinking what if?