Chapter Text
‘Fuckin’ Bill Compton, can’t this undead sumbitch just leave Sookie alone?’ Jason thought as he sat, stewing, on his grandpa’s trusty old chair in the lovely company of his sister, Gran and the living dead all looking at him like he was crazy.
And his night had started out so well… being released from the police station after hours of interrogation, stress fueled anxiety and pure guilt for the perceived accidental murder of a woman Jason could barely remember on a good day… only to be confronted with the disconcertingly weird Norman Rockwellesque picture of his small family entertaining their newest neighbor, a vamper, while serving tea and cookies like nothing was amiss.
After everything that had happened in just one day, Jason simply wanted to relax, to enjoy his Gran’s cooking and decompress… a notion that seemed miles away as he sat across from the ‘gentlemanly’ vampire, trying to study the ‘man’. Blindsided and a little more than simply upset by Sookie’s new ‘acquaintance’, his analysis yielded little, Jason’s temper obscuring any thought unrelated to the vampire’s nerve, sitting as close as he was to his baby sister looking like the sun came up just to hear him crow. Jason could acquiesce, yes he knew smart words, that the vampire seemed to genuinely care for his sister, nonetheless he wasn’t going to accept their ‘friendship’ if he could help it. Seeing as Sookie was more stubborn than a mule, the evening wore on Jason and by the end of it he resigned himself to the inevitable. He couldn’t stop her from seeing a corpse, knowing said corpse could easily rip his ass nine ways to next Sunday so he gave up on convincing his sister to get rid of Bill, for now. Needing to cool off and distance himself from Sookie’s newest drama, Jason decided to go down to Sam’s.
Distracted as he was, the boy didn’t realize just how fast a rumor could spread, especially in a town as small as theirs, but found the answer as soon as he opened the small roadhouse’s greasy, wooden door. The energy inside simply… shifted, the laughter and cheer stopping faster than a roadrunner at a crossroad as Jason entered the bar. Pleasant conversations ceased soon after, being replaced with swift and quiet whispering as most people, even the women who usually leered at him, began eyeing him suspiciously. Bewilderment crossed the boy’s face, before sadness took hold and the voices inside his head started pestering him to get out, to leave. He thought about it, about going back to his empty, dark house full of even more doubt and decided to try and find a friendly face in the crowd, managing to spot Tara manning the bar. She greeted him as she always did, with an easy smile and a cold beer, but he just felt empty. After the Maudette incident, Jason was more than a little shaken, not to mention vulnerable… trust Dawn to sniff that out faster than a hound and relight a shitty old flame that should have died long ago.
Jason, as always, went along with it, after all why not? That’s what he was, the town’s communal vibrator, always reliable, with no feelings and just as disposable. Most of the time it didn’t bother him, after all, what kind of man complains of getting too much action? But sometimes… now more than ever, a tiny voice in the back of his head would make itself heard, screaming from miles away a message that the boy could barely hear on a good day: ‘Say no, go home, sleep and calm down’. A message immediately followed by another voice, much louder and closer to the surface that chided: ‘Then what’s the point of you livin’ at all?’.
He didn’t like to think about how people always saw him as the token dumb, pretty boy that was only good for one thing and discarded if he couldn’t provide… it always made him sad so… he didn’t. When the voices started arguing in his head, he just silenced them all and went along with whatever. He didn’t think about how hollow sex felt, how empty it had been for years and how little he was worth to others outside of it. The only people who saw him as him were few and far between and, even with them, he couldn’t express his feelings. Every time he tried, they wouldn’t take him seriously… ‘Jason you horndog’ said Sookie and Gran’s disapproving voices…’You lucky sonovabich, what I wouldn’t give to be you’ said his friends from his football days…They didn’t understand that if he wasn’t the town gigolo, he wasn’t anything at all, just a regular road worker with no brains, no future and nobody to love.
Arriving at her house later that night, he got into the same old routine and was halfway to an orgasm when he saw them… Tiny red pinprick pairs dotting her flesh like intentional paint splatter, from her long neck to her wrists and all the way down her thighs. The numerous puncture wounds could be nothing else then… he didn’t want to think about it, much less picture it, but he was helpless to avoid his own mind’s vivid ruminations… the unbidden image reminding him of Maudette…. of her limp and pale corpse, of the bald headed and demonic looking fanger fucking her roughly…. The disturbing thought sent a bolt of fear and mild disgust through Jason’s body, draining every milliliter of blood from his extremities... and his appendages. Dawn, obviously sensing the change, asked what was wrong with him, because, in her mind, of course it was his fault. Jason, defensive in his shame and not really realizing how jealous he sounded, demanded to know why she had the marks of a ‘fang-banger’. Incensed, Dawn contemplated the boy like one might a slimy bug stuck to the bottom of one’s shoe, but restrained herself and simply stated that it was her business. Confused and disturbed by what happened with Maudette, Jason looked away, trying to control the hollow, burning feeling constricting his lungs, before he announced that he could not continue. Dawn, being the lady that she was, decided to really make his night.
“You are so full of yerself and dumber than a box of hair. And now you can't even get it up? Is there any reason why I should be seein’ you anymore? You know what, this is a real waste of time, get out!”
Mind abuzz, hands shaking and legs made of lead, he somehow managed to quickly get dressed before being thrown out like a kicked puppy… all this time trying to find comfort in the notion that even though HE wasn’t appreciated, at least his bedroom skills made him relevant, at least that meant something…. all this time and these vampers come outta the coffins and he isn’t even worth that anymore…
Leaving in the middle of the night, emotionally drained and more physically tired than an ant in autumn made Jason seek comfort in the only person who would understand and who, conveniently, was close by and still awake to receive him… his Gran.
“Jason honey, is that you?” The sleepy old woman asked from the porch, having heard a truck pull up. She knew, as soon as he stepped out, that something was wrong. “Are ya alright? Come in and I’ll get ya some peach pie.”
Jason, or the sad shell of what he used to be, walked through the doorway and sat down at the nearest table, his gaze zeroing in on a random magazine and its eye-catching front page. He stared at the title and it’s referred article about vampires and 10 fun facts about them… pin-prick pupils glued to the smiling fanger’s fangs as a disembodied hand reached out to tear the page right off. A few seconds passed before the distressed boy realized two things: one - it was his own fist that was clenched tight around the piece of paper, and two - a strange moisture had decided to gather in his inner corners.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Gran’s distant voice reached the young man’s ears and he finally looked up at her… eyes full to bursting with despair. He didn’t know why he felt like crying, telling as much to his grandmother through blurry eyes while tightly holding on to her. Pie forgotten, the old woman embraced him back, trying to support her boy however she could. A few minutes into the hug, Jason’s breath evened out enough for the disheveled boy to close in on himself, slowly disentangling, face awash in shame and tears, from the loving embrace to attempt a swift retreat all the way back to his own home, dark and dreary as it was…
“Oh no you don’t Jason Stackhouse! You’s sit right back down and tell me what’s going on in that noggin, I ain’t havin my grandson driving off into the night in such a state!”
Reluctantly, he sat down, looking at the shiny, parqueted floor and wondering how to explain the hollow feeling inside his chest. “ Gran… I… I just don’t know. I ain’t that smart and I know I ain’t…. but I ain’t… I’m not dumb, and I’m not just a thing that people can throw around. Maudette, Dawn, Becky, Lenny, Ashley and I don’t know how many other girls want me but they don’t really want me… I’m always poor dumb Jason only good for a good time not a long time. ‘Bless his heart’ they say every time I try an’ be something else ‘sides a really great body… And now I ain’t even that anymore…” Jason said in a harsh whisper pointing at the vampire article. “Now that there’s these… these fangers out here I’m second rate, a has-been great body… a dummy with a minimum wage job that nobody wants…’
Looking down at her grandson, at his hunched position and tense shoulders… the old woman felt like a pit had opened up inside her chest. Filled with sadness, anger and determination in equal measures, she slammed her hand down onto the tabletop, making Jason almost jump out of his seat. Looking into her boy’s frightened, doleful eyes made the hurt just a little worse, but she composed herself just enough to continue:
“Oh Jason honey… I really love ya but if you’s keep saying these awful things ‘bout my grandson I’ma have to really slap some sense into ya!” The old woman said, pleased by Jason’s now stunned expression and visible attention. “Now, I don’t think this outburst really has that much to do with vampires, I think that its more to do with how alone you’s feel, how untrustworthy the people around, who should know better, have made you feel, how low you put yerself…”
Jason’s eyes watered anew at his Gran’s words, confused yet joyful at the level of understanding. “And sweetie… you’re so much more than what you or other people say, so much more than just your physical appearance or you’s brain capacity. Jason, listen and listen good, you are not dumb, maybe a bit innocent in a’ adorable, gullible kinda way, but not dumb. You can see yerself outta most situations and can figure out a problem in a zip. And that Jason, that is called intelligence. I know you doubt yerself too much to use it ‘round other people… BUT, don’t you dare belittle yerself like this! Just cuz’ the women in ‘dis town are looser than a half-tied knot and just as simple don’t mean you ain’t worth the world! Honey, with some direction, a lot less self-doubt and a bit’a understanding, I know you can accomplish whatever you’s set your mind to!”
Gazing at his grandmother, his one and only beam of stability and acceptance, and looking into her love filled eyes Jason felt like he could do it, he could get back up, he could do more, be more than what he was… he was going to.
Seeing his small smile, his Gran began broaching another subject: “With that bein’ said, now we must have a lil’ talk ‘bout vampires. Again, I know you’s anger and frustration don’t really lie with them, but some’of you still believes a few of those awful things people say ‘bout them. Like them bein’ less than human, feral animals with no feelings… but honey, it just ain’t true. Most of’em were regular ol’ humans livin’ simple lives ‘fore somethin’ horrible happened that changed ‘em… death. Imagine wakin’ up after you died and tryin’ to live the best you can, only for people who don’t know anythin’ to judge you for something that you ain’t chose and can’t really control. Picture not bein’ able to touch sunlight, not be able to eat nothin’ but blood and bein’ seen like a monster for the rest of you’s life…”
Jason resumed watching the floor as his Gran continued, her sensible words and apt descriptions of vampirism and its hurdles surprising the boy quite a bit.
“I know… Lord knows that there’s some bad ones, but you’s can’t go wagging your finger at the lot of’em for the actions of a few. How many bad, terrible… absolutely heinous acts has humanity done over them years? Do we, as humans, get a pass ‘cuz we’s weaker? No! But here Jason lies the issue, we are weaker, and ‘cuz we can’t stand to be, we fear, condemn and sometimes destroy what we ain’t understand. Now, just ‘cuz you don’t like Bill Compton ain’t mean that other vampires deserve you’s animosity and disrespect. There’s a reason the saying ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’ is so popular, so please Jason, try to really get to know someone before judgin’em.”
Jason carefully considered the woman’s wise words and, after a few tense minutes of contemplation, realized that she was right. How many fangers, or no, vampires had he actually seen and spoken to in real life? One, and that one vampire happened to be the creeper hanging ‘round his sister which, he realized, was probably why he disliked him so much. Bill, after all, was nice and courteous during his last visit, even confronted with Jason’s animosity and snide comments, when he could’ve confirmed his every bias. The other vampire, the bald headed one he saw on the tape, was scary, but he didn’t actually harm Maudette, it was consensual, and the one who bit Dawn followed the same trail. Now, remembering every negative, borderline hostile news story and interview, not to mention the antagonistic laws put in place, depicting and concerning vampires over the years juxtaposed to the ones he knew and knew of… he finally recognized the truth.
Appropriately chastised, Jason understood his prejudice, feeling embarrassed and quite foolish for his unfounded judgement of vampires in general. After stewing a bit in his feelings, realization dawned, making the boy cringe… he was behaving just like the other towns folk, judging someone for something he didn’t know and couldn’t understand. Promising himself he would give the next vampires he meets the benefit of the doubt, the boy looked up yet again, meeting the patient gaze of his Gran.
“And Jason sweetie, I think the reason you attached you’s feelings of inadequacy to vampires is not cuz some of them is, in your eyes, better than you… I think it’s ‘cuz you ain’t feel appreciated enough when you are with these women.”
Seeing the ostensibly confused expression on her grandson’s face, the old woman continued: “Most people wait ‘til they get intimate… Makin’ love is called that for a reason… but many people don’ reduced it to some animalistic need to get off… Sorry honey, didn’t mean to get upset, but… the act is so much more than just the physical meetin’ of two bodies, it’s ‘bout connection, understanding, love and respect.” Pointedly raising her eyebrow at the boy’s bewildered yet guilty expression, she said: “And maybe you should wait to find someone who sees you for you, who understands and loves you ‘fore sharing yourself with them.”
He… already kinda knew what she meant to say, what she wanted him to understand, and he did, to an extent… Jason recognized that sex wasn’t just for fun, that bein’ with someone you actually care about did bring something special to the table… what that something actually was he didn’t understand, but he imagined it was really… something. Unfortunately, Jason could not, in that moment, think of anyone who cared enough to want that sort of connection with him…
The insidious line of thinking drove the unstable boy just that much deeper down the rabbit hole, his sadness creeping back up as he thought about how many people unrelated to him actually gave a shit in general… as another thought crossed his path, crashing into Jason’s mind like a freight-train. And just like that he understood… of course no one cared, it was obvious why most people saw him as nothing but a toy, had he ever seen these women as more than a chore? No, of course not, thus perpetuating the cycle of indifference ad infinitum. How could he expect care, compassion and more in general from women he himself labeled as nothing more than a bit of fun. Maybe… maybe he should wait until he felt something. Maybe this something would be worth it, after all, why were so many people desperately searching for it instead of casually hooking up? Hell, he would, he was a man and a man makes decisions and he, as the man he was, decided to wait until the right time, place and person… hoping beyond hope that it would be worth it.
“Thanks Gran …. I really needed a sweet word from a kind ear…or how was that saying? Never mind, thanks again…I… I feel better…” cracking a small smile, the boy searched his grandmother’s gaze as he said: “…and yer’ right, it should mean more… it will… I’m gonna try to wait.”
Relieved by her grandson’s decision, the old woman released a big sleepy yawn, a gesture that was involuntarily copied back. “You mind if I sleep ‘ere tonight Gran?” the boy asked in a much more relaxed tone.
“Of course, take the couch honey and I’ll make ya some pancakes in the mornin’.” said the old woman as she kissed her grandson on the forehead.
Jason slowly made his way to the couch and sat down, after the emotional roller coaster of today he couldn’t really sleep so, he just thought… about Dawn and if he ever loved her… if he ever liked her… ok so he kinda didn’t like her, but other parts of his anatomy sure did. The notion drove the boy down a memory spiral, trying to remember the last time he had ever actually liked someone for more than just looks. He couldn’t remember… and what a sad truth that was, so he thought about his first crush… and his mind, surprisingly, allowed Jason to remember their actual name and not the altered memory put in place to keep him a straight shooter. Ryan… Ryan Daley in 6’th grade.
The name brought back so much… He had moved to Bon Temps for the summer and they became fast friends… and Jason started to feel things for the new boy, things he knew he shouldn’t feel but he couldn’t help himself. Ryan was beautiful and kind, funny and fun to play with… and one day Jason just… kissed him. They were sitting together under a tree, trying to shade themselves from the August heat when Ryan told a very funny joke and Jason just did it. He could still remember the fear, excitement, but most of all, the hope that filled him in that moment… a feeling quickly dashed away by the look on Ryan’s face. When he opened his eyes, the other boy seemed surprised, at first, before his whole expression changed into anger and finally, the emotion that still hurt… disgust. Ryan and his family moved away quickly after the incident and they never spoke again, none of his other friends found out and Jason decided to never tell... keeping the pain locked away deep inside. As he grew up, he realized that he was attracted to girls too and, having the option, he chose the safest choice in such a small southern town. This thought brought him to Lafayette, the proud gay man living in Bon Temps that easily swatted away the many slurs and threats brought his way just for being himself. Jason admired him for his bravery, but he could never do it, still to this day seeing Ryan’s expression of betrayal and revulsion every time he even looked at a handsome man. These days though, he didn’t have to worry much, after all, there were no men around that piqued his interest so why wonder what could be? He stopped at that thought, adrenaline seemingly gone and, feeling dog tired, found a comfortable position to sleep in. Still awake enough to acknowledge the curiosity that bubbled deep inside and whispered what could be... the voices, distant yet audible through his sleep-addled mind, still whispering that all he needed to do was try.