Dead God's Dream

by HoundstoothStiletto

Summary:

Something happened to Shepard's memory when she died. As she fights the Collectors, Reapers, and whatever else needs to be killed, she can't stop remembering Virmire. She can't stop remembering Sovereign's defeat. And she remembers wrong.

Chapter 1: Crashed

The Normandy was hit and the crash jolted through Commander Shepard's bones as if she were hollow. She reached for her helmet and pieces of her ship popped around her. 

 

"Shepard!"

 

I'm busy.

 

Something in the mess exploded. It was probably from a grenade from her own locker. Crap. There were a lot of explosives on this ship. 

 

"Shepard!"

 

Wait. Who? Kaidan? No. Kaidan was dead, but it sounded like him. 

 

It doesn't matter who. Shepard was busy.

 

Busy doing what?

 

"... get up…" someone continued. Kaidan was dead. Shepard needed to get out. 

 

I am up.

 

Shepard was flat on her back. She never felt heavier. 

 

"...'nder attack..." 

 

Thanks, I didn’t notice. 

 

There was something important - Helmet! That was it. Shepard was putting on her helmet. 

 

It wasn't in her hands anymore. 

 

Something stiff and rubbery and damp was stuck to her face. Shepard pushed herself up and felt the damage. Something dug into her cheek. 

 

It was hard to imagine how the helmet got so badly damaged. Her lips were stuck together and she was dizzy and sore and Shepard coughed and it hurt. Her ship was burning around her. Just a sip of water would be...

 

Shepard wasn't alone. Someone woke her. The VI?

 

"... your armor… gun…" the VI walked Shepard around and didn't sound like Kaidan anymore. It never did; his voice was so masculine and warm. 

 

Thermal clip. 

 

Thermal clip?

 

Already? 

 

They just started working on the new Geth style guns yesterday. Literally, yesterday. How did one end up on her ship without her knowledge?

 

There was another explosion. It wasn't the big one that would come when the ammo mods are hit. This was just stupid weak mechs spewing little bombs. Shepard shot one, grateful for the easy targets. They just need a quick shot or omnitool command. 

 

Shepard stared at the omnitool. This wasn't hers. 

 

If Pressley was dead, no one even knows who's after him. 

 

...that doesn't make sense. 

 

The VI walked her through parts of the Normandy she never saw. Maybe the incendiary ammo and the rest of the mods already got hit.

 

She knows who's next. She knows it so well she doesn't even need to think. Kai- no. 

 

Williams? 

 

Find Williams. Williams will know who's third. 

 

Shepard picked up a grenade launcher and blew up a group of mechs below her.

 

None of this was right.

 

---

 

"Why leave Ashley Williams on Virmire?" Miranda looked Shepard in the eye, leaned forward, and watched. And waited. 

 

I didn't, Shepard didn't say. Commander Shepard left Virmire with Williams alive. But that doesn't matter. 

 

What matters is that the Lazarus Project failed. Miranda must have realized it when she saw Shepard stumbling around the Lazarus Station like a drunk, too confused and pathetic to know where she was. The woman obviously didn't accept failure from anyone, especially not from herself. 

 

"We're done here," Shepard spat. She wouldn't answer trick questions. She was a failure, but damn if she'd admit it.

 

She'd be Commander Shepard until proven otherwise. The Commander Shepard who had no tolerance for trick questions and traps. Mind games. 

 

"I vouch for her, Miranda," Jacob offered. 

 

The two women quickly looked at each other in agreement - his opinion about what made a Shepard wasn't worth much. 

 

Shepard looked out the shuttle window. Her test was over. Their numbers will darken the sky. 

Notes:

this is my second try with this fic and honestly I'm pretty proud that I'm finally getting it out of my head.

Chapter 2: that is the question

Notes:

this chapter briefly mentions stillbirth. it won't come up again.

The first time, Janey Shepard was born dead (then quickly resuscitated).

 

The second time, she was born alive, but for the sole purpose of killing herself. This time, Cerberus spent money, lives, and very expensive hardware to bring Commander Shepard - the real Commander Shepard - back from the dead, just as she was. 

 

Shepard wondered what they would have spent the money on if they knew Lazarus would be a waste.

 

Ashley Williams died on Virmire, vaporized. That's the kind of thing the real Commander Shepard would remember. That woman could even name everyone else who died under her command. 

 

What about this one?

 

She started to name the dead. Reverse chronological order. 

 

Wrex… Wrex? Yes, Urdnot Wrex. She killed him herself on -

 

BANG!

 

Shepard crouched down, pistol out. 

 

She was alone. She was safe, considering. She was in her cabin on the SR2 and the door was locked.

 

Then Jenkins.

 

Shepard stepped up and looked up to the skylight, expecting to see a husk bashing at the window. But any husks fell off the ship long ago. 

 

No one was there but a picture of Kaidan Alenko and a datapad with a list of dead SR1 crew (including some living people). Oh yeah. And Commander Shepard was there too. 

 

BANG!

 

Agitated, Shepard reached for her pistol before she hit the tank again. 

 

Oh. She was banging her fist on the fish tank. It was her all along. 

 

Commander Shepard wouldn't have done that. 

 

She sighed and sat on her bed, softly breaking the datapad, cracking it open like a book. Lies. Shepard was alive. Williams wasn't dead.

 

She didn't know what happened. Every answer she found was full of lies. Commander Shepard lied to her. Cerberus lied to her. She couldn't trust either of them. 

 

But she was given someone to be trusted. A pilot. One of the best. The man who took two goddamn years from her and the entire galaxy.

 

Shepard kicked the wall behind Joker to let him know she was coming for him.

 

Two entire fucking years. Some wouldn't survive that kick. He was definitely among them. 

 

"Oh, hey Commander. Good to have you back," he sounded tentatively happy. Or nervous. 

 

Cerberus was right. He would tell her the truth. He was too scared not to.

 

"Joker," Shepard greeted neutrally. She eyed him like a predator, smoothly circling around to face him as he turned his own chair to her. 

 

They met in between. His lips retreated to a smile.

 

"What happened?" she asked.

 

"Uh, that's a broad question, Commander. I mean...?"

 

There were a lot of things to get out of him, but first, "What happened to Ashley Williams?"

 

"I see where this is going," he whispered. "In 2183, Spectre Commander Shepard ..."

 

This was a story he told before. His breath was in sync with his words. This was just muscle memory. If she wanted muscle memory she'd watch him press buttons. "Get to Williams," she interrupted. 

 

He didn't answer for eighteen seconds. His bones were too weak for so much guilt. 

 

Then he straightened up and looked at her face. He spoke - calmly, evenly. "I left her behind. I ran out of time before the bomb went off." 

 

He was stronger than he looked. 

 

Shepard forced herself to relax. Her face, her posture were as non-threatening as she could make them. "You left her behind because I told you to."

 

"Yes."

 

No.

 

"On Virmire…" she pushed.

 

"Yes," a flash in his eyes. A brief glare. She was making him angry. Shepard stepped back, to wave the topic away. It was too much for both of them. 

 

"I won't let it happen again, Commander," he continued. "I'm flying this baby out of the Collector's Base with all the colonists, the crew, and you…  uh, and everyone. Everyone else."

 

"I know you will," she said, somewhat surprised that she believed it. Not that she should - he was an excellent pilot. "Thanks for the chat. We'll talk again later."

 

"Looking forward to it," he replied with less sarcasm than either expected.

---

 

Cerberus resurrected Commander Shepard for a suicide mission because it's what she does best - getting her team killed. Getting the job done no matter the cost.

 

She found her mercenary kicking a Batarian to death in an Omega alley. This would work.

Chapter 3: The Shepard Memorial Flame

"It's not safe to wake up yet," Kaidan said gently, his cold fingers pressing into the corners of Shepard's eyes to keep them closed. 

 

Shepard woke up standing. A moment later she realized the sound that woke her up was her own hyperventilation. Suffocation.

 

And water? Shepard cried out the sand Kaidan left in her eyes. Her tears dissolved like isopropyl alcohol. They burned her scars and left her skin dried and cool. 

 

She wasn't hyperventilating. Someone else was.

 

It wasn't hyperventilation. It was speech. Someone was talking, gasping out syllables. 

 

"The Shepard memorial flame… the Shepard memorial flame… the Shepard memorial flame…."

 

She sighed as she turned off the speakers. They had been set for music, not the news. But, sometimes this kind of thing happens. Especially with radio waves. Some even believe radio waves are alive, as reliable as a school of fish. (Kaidan didn't believe it, but he didn't not believe it either.)

 

Kaidan.

 

It was her first dream in this life. It wasn't much of a dream, but she heard him and felt him.

 

"Commander, the Illusive Man needs to speak with you in the comm room," Joker's voice came from the ceiling.

 

"Understood."

 

It made her feel a bit less dead.

 

---

 

Anderson made sure Shepard had shields up at the Torfan memorial. She was the only veteran of the event there and was blamed for all the deaths. 

 

329 weapons were confiscated. 

 

If looks could kill, Shepard would have died thousands of times at that memorial alone. Family, friends, dependents all glaring at her, ready to rip her apart as soon as one of them was brave enough to start a mob. 

 

At one point, she calculated every death on Torfan ruined an average of 2.13 lives. She walked out of the memorial unscathed. They were cowards. 

 

---

 

Right before the elevator closed, Shepard saw someone. It looked like a little boy sitting outside her door. 

 

Of course it was just shadows and lights. 

 

Shepard inhaled. If the flame was too much trouble to maintain on Torfan, it could be moved to Virmire. And then to the Omega 4 relay after she loses the bulk of this team too. 

 

And then… well, there's a reason they called her a butcher. It was the humans who started it. 

 

She exhaled and left the elevator. 

 

This was good. Cerberus certainly lived up to their end by giving her the best ship and team. They were sending her after the Collectors and had their eyes on the Reapers. She should have joined up sooner. 

 

"How did you sleep, Commander?" Kelly Chambers chirped.  

 

"Great," Shepard said sarcastically, which wouldn't have changed if she had any idea what the answer was. 

 

The only subpar thing Cerberus gave her was herself. 

 

"I saw your REM numbers were a bit stressed," Kelly continued, concerned. "There are some breathing exercises I can share."

 

"Yeoman," Shepard gritted, "Whatever psychology you know is forgotten. You are here to pass me notes, not watch me sleep. Understand?"

 

"Of course Commander," Kelly smiled warmly. "Garrus wants to speak with you."

 

"And the Illusive Man," Joker called. "Right there. Comm room… you don't even need to get in an elevator… just…"

 

Garrus needed priority. He was practically her own Commander Shepard - a good shot, smart, willing to do what has to be done.  She wouldn't lose that. 

 

Even if he was a witness to her false memories. 

 

Shepard could convince herself that Ashley Williams died on Virmire. Dying under a bomb that stops a Krogan rebellion is the type of thing she'd do. It would restore her family's reputation and whatever else that family blamed on aliens.

 

But Shepard knew that isn't what happened and she knew she was wrong. Garrus knew. 

 

"Commander?" Joker asked as she went back to the elevator. She ignored him. He could keep her benefactor busy until she was ready.

 

---

 

The air was thin in the main battery.

 

"Shepard," Garrus greeted calmly. He had been cleaning his sniper. His rage burned the oxygen around him. 

 

A better person would have fled. Shepard stayed. 

 

"You wanted to talk?" 

 

Garrus looked for an answer in his scope. With so many dead mercs, nightmares about Archangel were probably looking for a home.

 

"Yes," he said eventually. (Good job, scope!)

 

Shepard wanted to open a window. She needed air. She would gasp soon. 

 

"Remember what I told you about Sidonis?" He asked. There were no windows. This was good, for some reason. 

 

"Remind me," she demanded. She needed to catch her breath. 

 

He turned to her and the movement kicked up balls of hot and cold air, sending them floating around the battery.

 

One flew by Shepard and she huffed in the air as Garrus retold his story. Shepard remembered Sidonis. He was a Major Kyle - someone who leaves you to be responsible for the people they got killed. Everyone had a Major Kyle.

 

"I'd really appreciate your help," Garrus finished, "next time we're on the Citadel."

 

"What do you need my help for? You're perfectly capable of killing some traitor without me."

 

Shepard did not want to go to the Citadel.  

 

Garrus turned away from her.  "Let's say… I need your help," he finally said to his console, "as a friend."

 

Friend. It was pleasant and unexpected to be called that. Shepard remembered why she shouldn't open a window in space. 

 

"Commander, the Illusive Man needs to talk to you," Joker said over comms. 

 

"Garrus, I'll - " Shepard started. 

 

"I'm in the middle of some calibrations," he interrupted her. 

 

---

 

Kaidan was alive.

 

The Collectors were on Horizon.

 

Kaidan was on Horizon. 

 

Kaidan was alive. Somehow. She should have seen that coming. 

 

"We'll head to Horizon now," she told the Illusive Man. He nodded and his holo faded into static. A rhythmic static spoke to her. It was almost hypnotic. 

 

How was he alive?

 

Shepard memorial flame…. Shepard memorial flame…

 

"EDI! Turn this fucking thing off!"

 

"Commander," EDI sounded tentative. "Please specify what thing you need turned off."

 

Stop. Listen. There's nothing in the static. Maybe her cybernetics were picking up radio waves. Maybe she was glitching. 

 

"The console," she answered lamely, gesturing to the holo station.

 

Maybe Kaidan was already dead again.

 

---

 

"Commander," Kelly started only to be shut up from a Shepard glare. 

 

Shepard had to get ready for Horizon. Every moment Kelly spent gossiping, the Collectors took another colonist. 

 

"What." Shepard said. It wasn't a question, but it got an answer anyway.

 

"Your memorial flame, on Torfan," Kelly continued speaking. "It's been put out indefinitely. There was too much vandalism...I just thought you might want to know."

Chapter 4: Recognized

Kaidan was alive. She saved him. 

 

She couldn't save him on Virmire, but she could save him on Horizon. Him and half the planet's population - hundreds of thousands colonists. She killed dozens of Collectors and sent them running. 

 

Horizon was a huge success. 

 

And then, through two sets of armor, she could feel Kaidan's embrace. She felt him expanding and collapsing into her as he breathed. They breathed. 

 

"I thought you were dead," they said together. 

 

Kaidan Alenko was alive and he was holding her. Shepard inhaled deeply. Salty. Warm. Soft. Then he twitched and pulled back.

 

"You're alive," he accused.  

 

Horizon was a huge success, Shepard reminded herself. 

 

Being attacked by that awful combination of anger and grief was nothing new. But seeing Kaidan's face turn angry was bizarre. 

 

Painful.

 

It hurt and he didn't even use his biotics to throw her against a crate (or vice versa). He didn't shoot her. No punches or stabs. He just walked away. 

 

The shuttle was almost there to take them back to the Normandy. It was getting harder to breathe again. Shepard watched the Kodiak getting bigger. 

 

That mechanic was still hanging out. Kaidan left, but not that ungrateful man. There was just enough time for him. 

 

"You coward," she growled as she grabbed his collar. "Maybe they wouldn't have taken your friends if you went out and fought."

 

He choked.

 

Shepard threw him back. His arms waved in circles to catch balance. Impressively, he succeeded. 

 

"Instead, you just hid and only came out to complain that I didn't do a good enough job," Shepard stepped into the shuttle and didn't look back.

 

Jack laughed. "You're mean, Shepard."

 

Shepard smiled, but reminded herself not to get too attached. Jack would die soon.

 

It takes a special kind of leader to sacrifice their team to get the job done… a drink sounded good. The Normandy must have alcohol somewhere. 

 

---

 

"Ready to go to the Citadel?" Shepard asked Garrus. 

 

He looked at her, with something like glee in his eyes. Maintaining eye contact, Garrus reached for his sniper and compacted it. "Yes."

 

Shepard was going to say they weren't going for him. Instead she giggled. He made it so sexual. "Easy there," she smiled at him, unable to think of a good jab. Something about having a big hard gun. Cocked and ready. Ready to deposit a load. 

 

Well, someone was making it sexual. 

 

"Be ready. We've got a lot of stuff to do and we can't waste time if we're going to get to your guy."

 

"Thank you, Shepard."

 

Shepard nodded. He didn't need to know how much better she felt with him going with her. 

 

"Consider it thanks for helping me break into the bar," she smiled. In reply, he picked up a bottle of whatever he nabbed from the port observation lounge and raised it to her. 

 

Cheers.

 

---

 

Security was tight. 

 

As the C-Sec officer looked between Shepard and the security scan, her vision went soft. Layers of reality slid across each other and melted in and out. 

 

Focus.

 

Miranda wouldn't let her on the Citadel if she couldn't "prove" Shepard's identity. And if something went wrong, Garrus was there to find an identity forger anyway. 

 

The officer looked at her, ready to deliver judgment. 

 

You're a fraud, a clone, AI, a pile of malfunctioning software in a plastic skin suit. Whatever you are, it isn't Commander Shepard. 

 

"You're dead," he told her awkwardly. Just like the real Commander Shepard. 

 

She relaxed and let her vision clear. "I've been getting that a lot," she grumbled.

 

"Sorry, ma'am…"

 

---

 

"You're not on C-Sec's roster anymore, Garrus," Miranda said curiously after he used a code to open Anderson's door. 

 

"It seems they never changed the emergency passcode," Garrus shrugged.

 

"Please tell me it's not 1 2 3 4," Miranda laughed. 

 

"I won't then," Garrus said in a way that answered the question anyway. 

 

The door opened. 

 

Shepard doubted Garrus would have used C-Sec overrides to walk into anyone's office when he actually had permission to. Or something closer to permission.

 

"Anderson," she greeted.

 

Anderson's mouth switched when he saw her. Hopefully it could have been a smile.  He was one of the rare people who ignored her bullshit. And rarer, she liked him for that. She was happy to see him. 

 

He was not happy to see her.

 

"Shepard," he replied, "Alenko said…  but, it's different seeing you with Cerberus for myself."

 

Miranda made some noise that involved her cheeks moving off her teeth.

 

Anderson wouldn't be disappointed in a Cerberus VI.

 

"I bet Kaidan painted a real pretty picture," Shepard mumbled, arms crossed. 

 

He didn't answer. Miranda blatantly watched them speak. Garrus pretended to be interested in some hardware by the holo projectors. 

 

"The Council will speak with you," Anderson said carefully.

 

"How kind."

 

"Now that we know you're you ..." he started, (inside Shepard lost gravity) "... they will offer to reinstate your spectre status."

 

The Alliance spies in Cerberus must be pretty good to get that kind of confirmation and - . Wait. What-instate?

 

" Re-instate?" Shepard spat. 

 

Anderson ignored her as the holos flickered. 

 

Garrus was standing inside Councilor Valern. He jumped back. "I didn't do it!"

 

Shepard approached the Council. "Why was I uninstated as a spectre?"

 

The councilors' looked awkwardly at each other. 

 

"Commander, it's good to see you alive," Sparatus started.

 

"But you were declared dead, Commander," Tevos interrupted. "So, you were removed from all active positions."

 

What would Commander Shepard say? Commander Shepard said, "I saved your asses and this is what I get? Forget it. I don't need your permission to do what needs to be done." 

 

---

 

Garrus had been fidgeting and about to say something for almost ten minutes. He would make them late to their Fade appointment. 

 

"Spit it out," Shepard ordered. 

 

"Well, it's just that. I, uh, was kind of counting on your spectre status for this?" Garrus asked like she would know. 

 

Shepard closed her eyes. Through the darkness, pieces of Sovereign fell around her. 

 

Shepard opened her eyes. "Do you expect to get caught?"

 

"No. Of course not."

 

"That's settled then," Shepard quickly walked ahead. There were too many damn shadows and cherry trees. 

 

---

 

Need to get drunk. Drunker.

 

The bartender was very happy to get her as drunk as he could before the mandated break. "Sorry, sister. Bar rules. Maximum 8 drinks every 10 minutes. Come back in a few and if you're still going we'll really knock it  up!"

 

Sister. Shepard huffed and walked around, looking for someone who'd buy her a drink. Maybe a guy with stubble. She'd see if she remembered that the right way.

 

Shepard smirked, eying her options. But she couldn't choose. Not until she checked in on Garrus. He was in a corner, the light above him was turned off, and he wasn't drinking for fun. 

 

"You look creepy, sitting in the dark," she greeted.

 

"Commander, some might say you look creepy with your glowing scars." He was teasing and he was drunk. 

 

Shepard touched her cheek and scowled. A little more platinum and then Dr. Chakwas could heal her scars. Until then, makeup and creams can only do so much.

 

"I wouldn't say that of course, but someone else might," he quickly added, waving someone over to them. He gestured to Shepard, "A human drink, please. And another for me."

 

"Tell the guy at the bar I'm still going," Shepard added, pointing to herself proudly. She turned to Garrus. "Celebrating?" 

 

He wasn't.

 

"Celebrating justice for my squad," he took her hand. He took her hand. It seems drunk Garrus was touchy, and it wasn't always something she would tolerate.

 

Their drinks came with the message that her next one would be ryncol. 

 

"Now that this is behind you, I expect a better performance from you," Shepard was vaguely aware that alcohol made her talkative. She had to watch what slipped.

 

Garrus was playing with her fingers as if they were her legs. (No, Shepard, you just need to get laid, she told herself.) Slowly stroking the soft inner skin, softly pushing them apart to see how far they could go…

 

With her free hand, Shepard tasted her drink and made a face. It was bitter. She was afraid of that possibility. 

 

"I didn't know there were issues with my performance?" He asked, now bending her fingers at every knuckle. 

 

"Not so far," Shepard said thoughtfully. "But this isn't like Saren. I won't have another Virmire."

 

He gently closed her fingers and she pressed her legs together. 

 

"Virmire?"

 

What was she saying? 

 

"It doesn't matter," Shepard waved away and downed her drink. Ew. " It was a long time ago… for you anyway."

 

Garrus shook his empty drink at someone. "No, meeting an ancient machine hell bent on destroying all civilization sticks with you. It was like yesterday."

 

The chill started at her crown and fell, raising hairs and bumps down to her feet.

 

Now he was playing with the napkins, making them dance around her empty tumbler. No. Not dance. They flanked her empty tumbler.

 

Shepard needed to run, but she didn't know where to or what from. 

 

"But this is about your victory. You know, Garrus, I'd be happy to help you celebrate in private," she mostly teased. It's the kind of thing she says. 

 

"Thank you Commander, but I'm happy here," he replied. It's the kind of thing he says. 

 

Shepard stood up. She needed to leave before she said something stupid. Something about stubble inside her thighs, ryncol, or Virmire. 

 

"Drinks are on your friend," Shepard said clearly. Garrus took the chit she offered, agape.

 

"You took this off of Lantar's body?"

 

Shepard didn't remind Garrus who executed Lantar Sidonis. It wasn't her.

 

"Come on, Garrus. Haven't you figured it out? I'm Commander Shepard."

Chapter 5: Getting a head on Alchera (interlude)

Shepard, you have two years worth of errands and petty chores to run for the Alliance. Go to Alchera and pick up after yourself. You left a mess last time. 

Hackett

 

Well maybe not verbatim, but that's basically what he said. 

 

Shepard looked at the info. Alchera was a cold and dead planet. She wouldn't remove debris from her own grave.

 

"Joker," Shepard approached him. 

 

"Aw, man," he mumbled. "I didn't do it."

 

"What was that Flight Lieutenant?" Shepard was in no mood for his attitude. He's the one who lost her ship, her XO, a chunk of her crew, and her life. 

 

"Ma'am," he replied clearly. 

 

"I have a mission for you," she said. It was his mess. 

 

"Okaaayyy?"

 

"You're going down to Alchera. Hacket is missing some dog tags from the SR1. Figured you might have seen where they landed."

 

Joker turned completely still. Like a glitched Avina. Flickering in and out. He wasn't breathing. 

 

"No rush," Shepard said as she left. She heard him exhale painfully behind her. 

 

---

 

There was a little boy at the Torfan memorial. He stared at her the entire time and she couldn't get away.

 

Every other gaze was tolerable. All the hate and anger that landed on her was fine. But the little boy wasn't upset. 

 

He was confused and he was trying to ask her something. Somehow. But he was someone else's responsibility. Someone who might be dead, considering where he was. 

 

Well, after her own parents died she was able to survive and get answers. He could too.

 

She felt his dumb eyes on her for a long time.

 

---

 

Dr. Chakwas appeared behind Shepard as a silent and terrifying specter.

 

"Welcome," Shepard said, as if she allowed Dr. Chakwas to enter the cabin. 

 

"I had an interesting conversation with Joker," Chakwas drawled. (It was just her voice. It was just how she always talked.) "We found this."

 

The doctor lifted a head. Shepard's head. There were pockets of snow around her ears, but it had mostly melted. Little pieces of icy water slid down her face. 

 

Shepard forced herself to blink. Take a deep breath. That was definitely her own head, vaguely swinging in Karin Chakwas's hand. 

 

This was a nightmare. Only the living have nightmares. Commander Shepard had nightmares. 

 

"He wanted you to have this back." Dr. Chakwas tossed the head and Shepard caught it only because of instincts. She held an old helmet, wet from the melting snow. 

 

"He asked me to help say goodbye to the original Normandy," Chakwas sighed and as she exhaled, her face turned sad even though nothing about it changed. 

 

The melting snow and ice merged with dirt on her helmet. "Thank you."

 

Dr. Chakwas lifted a hand full of chains next. Dog tags. "If you want to see these before I send them to Hackett - "

 

Shepard grabbed them so fast that a few caught on Chakwas's fingers. Her helmet fell and clattered somewhere. 

 

Names. She needed to see the names. Pressley. There he was. The rest were frosted over. She pushed her thumb over the names until she could read them. 

 

"Joker isn't here because of guilt, he's here because he believes in you," Dr. Chakwas crouched down. Shepard ended up on her knees at some point. "That's why we're all here."

 

Shepard nodded, putting the tags in alphabetical order. No, order by rank. 

 

"And I won't tolerate you abusing the crew," Chakwas said after she left. Or maybe the other way around. 

 

It was cold. It was always so goddamn cold. 

 

"Did you put the memorial up?" Shepard asked no one. 

 

They deserved better. 

Chapter 6: Friendly Kisses

Miranda's face melted into hatred when she saw Wilson. It was just a moment, but between cool facade and cool facade, Shepard saw a very sensitive woman. Miranda felt things deeply. Then she killed him. 

 

On Illium, Shepard saw it again. Sad Miranda is sad she had to kill someone she trusted. 

 

"He was my friend," Miranda looked at Niket. She left his face intact and he looked peaceful. Which doesn't happen as often as people say it does.

 

"He wasn't," Shepard reminded her. "You didn't lose a friend, you got rid of a loose end."

 

"I know."

 

"I know you do," Shepard tried to be comforting for a moment. Just a moment before she remembered that wasn't something she could do. 

 

"Let's go before…" Miranda looked at the pile of dead. They couldn't even tell which one was Enyala. "Before someone shows up," she finished airily. 

 

Good idea.

 

"Grunt!" Shepard called. "Let's go!"

 

Grunt trotted up, very proud of something.

 

"Find anything good?" Shepard asked. 

 

"Yeah, see?" Grunt happily showed off a locket. "I bet it's worth a lot."

 

It was garbage. He could find that out on his own. 

 

---

 

Guilt is a feeling so awful that you won't do whatever you did again. Like aversion therapy. Like a hangover telling you not to drink like that. Shepard knew it well.  "Miranda?" Shepard tentatively entered her XO's office. It was dark. 

 

There was no reason for the guilt Shepard felt. She did nothing wrong. 

 

Adding that to the list of things wrong with her brain. 

 

Miranda made some awful noise like choking. Or laughing. Shepard approached, brittle and unsure. 

 

Miranda was weeping. 

 

"I wish I could have at least met her," Miranda said without looking up, "...said hi."

 

"And said what?" Shepard crossed her arms. "We went through all that to keep your sister away from your life. Not to introduce yourself and put her right back in danger." Shepard felt sick in a dizzy kind of way. She sighed. Her point wasn't worth any more words. 

 

Shepard sat on the bed and reached for Miranda for stability and warmth and fresh air. Miranda was dry and clean. Also surprisingly heavy. Every part of her was packed with dense muscles and stress.

 

They held each other tight and intimate for some reason. Devastation or despair or something pathetic. No one could see what the reason was in the dark. 

 

Humans need touch. Shepard needed touch.

 

Miranda felt good.

 

If Miranda did a better job, she would have fixed that part of Shepard so she could go without. 

 

"Take the rest of our time on lIlium off," Shepard ordered. "Between the Lazarus Station blowing up and now you've been working at capacity."

 

"I can do it," Miranda's breathing was under control now and she was drained and empty and as competent as ever. They had things to do -  a team to build up, upgrades to buy, sand to try, and Miranda wouldn't stop until she ran out of things to do.

 

She'd never stop.

 

So Shepard kissed her. It wasn't passionate or sensual. A little tooth heavy, but still delicious. Lawson's perfection and toothpaste made the kiss good, even if Shepard went in poorly.

 

Miranda shook her head in confusion and something else that made her smile. "I wasn't expecting that."

 

"Shore leave. That's an order." 

 

Shepard was never much of a kisser. But it worked.

 

---

Even before inviting her, Shepard knew letting Samara on the ship was a mistake. But she didn’t see any options.

 

The old Commander Shepard never would have let a Justicar on her ship. The old Commander Shepard wouldn't order her team to take breaks either. (If you're good enough for Shepard, you're good enough to regulate yourself. Miranda could have kept on going.)

 

She was broken. There's always an option. Especially when your aim is as good as Commander Shepard's. 

 

 "500 credits!" Grunt bragged.

 

"Wow," Garrus said, actually impressed. "I wouldn't have gotten that much if I turned that locket in." 

 

That was true. Garrus probably wouldn't even bother to accept the money transfer. 

 

"Did you talk to the justicar?" Shepard asked Garrus and ignored Grunt.

 

"Shepard… I was with you when you picked her up," Garrus grinned. "Although who can blame you for blocking out Jack?"

 

Forgot. Forget. Shepard inhaled sharply.  

 

"She said hello to me," Grunt added. Wasn't he supposed to be sick? 

 

"I didn't forget Jack on Minagen," Shepard snapped. 

 

Garrus paused and tried to think of what to say. He was obviously joking. He obviously had no idea this Shepard has a shit memory. 

 

"I need to talk to you," Shepard said quietly to Garrus and gestured toward the main battery. To Grunt she said, "There are two doctors on this ship. Go see them if you aren't feeling good."

 

The main battery doors closed before Grunt could respond. She knew what he'd say. He'd refuse medical treatment, her doctors would stick to their ethics… and on and on. 

 

"Have you spoken to her? Had a conversation? I need your read on her," Shepard clarified to Garrus. She'd deal with the Tuchanka visit that her crew wanted later.

 

"My read?" 

 

Shepard didn't answer.

 

"I didn't talk to her," Garrus rubbed his neck. "Didn't think that was a good idea."

 

"Good. It's not."

 

Garrus sighed. "This is bad, Shepard. I've been reading about justicars. She'll be great against the Collectors… and then she'll be pretty good against us too."

 

"Samara can't kill all of us."

 

But she'll try. 

 

"And until then, she's making a hit list out of the crew," Garrus said. "Finding our weak spots, making her plan. Cerberus must really think we're all going to die on the mission if they thought it was a good idea to get her attention." Garrus paused. 

 

He was her own Commander Shepard. He'll be given the shit assignments and carry out the implicit orders. 

 

He knew what she wanted. 

 

Garrus looked in the direction of the port observation lounge, then closed his eyes. "I'll do my best," he said.

 

They were all already dead anyway. 

 

"I know you will," Shepard said and put a hand on his shoulder so she could reach up to kiss his cheek in an apology.  He felt… alien under her lips. A bone that was warm and leathery and soft and had no give when she pressed her kiss.

 

"Don't let people take advantage of you," she told him. It takes a long time to deplete people like him, but it will happen. 

 

Besides, there isn't really a difference between a suicide mission and suicide pact anyway.

Chapter 7: BANG

Urdnot Wrex was downright jolly for someone who should be decomposed and face down in the shallow water on Virmire. 

 

Make the first move. 

 

"Shepard!" He rushed toward her. "You look good for dead."

 

Too late. 

 

You too, Shepard did not say. And not just because something cold pulsed around her heart.

 

A long time ago, Shepard learned not to flinch or step back. Don't give them anything. Don't blink when they snap in your face. Don't gasp when they shock you. Don't step back when they barrel at you. Don't let them know you're scared. 

 

Don't. 

 

For the first time in 25 years, Shepard stepped back. Just one step. One boot half way to a retreat. 

 

(Don't.)

 

He shook her body in an affectionate greeting. "Wrex," she said, not letting her voice shake. 

 

I'm Commander Shepard. 

 

The last time she saw Wrex, he pointed a gun at her. No one survives pointing a gun at Commander Shepard. 

 

BANG!

 

A Krogan shot something. Of course a Krogan shot something. They were in Tuchanka. 

 

But in the moment, when the sound was everything, the air was cooler and cleaner. 

 

BANG!

 

Tuchanka was alive with clean water, happy and relaxed trees...

 

BANG!

 

Wrex aimed his shotgun at her.

 

BANG!

 

Wrex told her not even the Krogan care about the Krogan. He certainly didn't. 

 

He lied. He dedicated the rest of his life to his people. 

 

"Water?" He offered her and her crew some bottles as he settled back into his rubble throne. Grunt took them all, along with something to chew on.

 

"I've got a Krogan on my crew. There's something wrong with him," Shepard said while chiding herself for being such a coward. 

 

Grunt put down his snacks and stood up straight and proud and smug. She was brandishing an obnoxious weapon. "I've either got to fix him or get a new Krogan."

 

"Heh," Grunt laughed. He didn't believe she'd trade him in. 

 

"And the Salarian?" Wrex eyed Mordin with animosity. Wrex wasn't just dangerous because he was a biotic Krogan. He was dangerous because he was smart. Just like Shepard.

 

"He's a doctor. He needs to learn how to treat a sick Krogan," she lied. 

 

"No, continuing education up to date," Mordin waved his hands around, slightly alarmed. "Looking for someone."

 

Shepard chuckled to herself. It's his own fault for refusing to look at Grunt  Just because he said no.

 

BANG!

 

Shepard was between Wrex and Saren's genophage cure. It was a dangerous place to be and she needed to get rid of them both. 

 

BANG!

 

Wrex slammed the arm of his concrete throne, laughing with Grunt. "Of course Okeer is dead, you're with Shepard!"

 

Of course. Shepard killed Krogan. Kills Krogan. Kill kill kill.

 

BANG!

 

"Stand down," she ordered and he ignored her. He played her. Fury rose inside her, hot and acidic.

 

He was never on her team.

 

bang. 

 

Wrex fell, face down. He didn't even splash.

 

"Shepard," Wrex waved her off as she took her team off into Tuchanka. 

 

"Wrex," she replied. Everything was fine. 

 

---

 

When Mordin told Shepard about his student, she said he was already dead. Mordin had to know that. He was too smart to believe someone from STG would survive with the Blood Pack on Tuchanka. 

 

But, Shepard would admit when she's wrong. "To think Maelon was doing fine until we came to rescue him," she murmured. Hopefully Mordin didn't hear. He was upset enough. 

 

Mordin looked at his student's body. Maelon must have been a favorite. He died with a little pop thanks to the silencer. 

 

Shepard stepped back to look at Mordin's face. Was that how Major Kyle looked at her the last time? When a favorite student turns out to be a butcher. When they learned it from you?

 

"Do you need a moment?" Shepard asked. 

 

Mordin didn't answer. He was silent all the way back to the Normandy, like he was gagging on guilt. It was unnerving. 

 

To think of all the times she wanted him to shut up. She wouldn't want that ever again.

 

"Don't tell anyone what happened with Maelon," she directed Grunt. "Especially no one on this planet."

 

She wasn't going to risk putting herself between Wrex and a cure for the genophage again, two things almost as unkillable and dangerous as herself. 

 

Grunt made a noncommittal noise. Good enough. For now.

 

"Enjoy rite of passage," Mordin finally said something with a weak, but sincere smile for Grunt. 

 

---

 

"Did you find a replacement for Grunt or did you help him?" Garrus asked, already knowing the answer. Grunt made sure everyone on the SR2 saw the vid where he took down a thresher maw. 

 

"The trade in value wasn't worth it," she said and he exhaled an unamused laugh. He was still sensitive about losing teammates.

 

But that wasn't why she was here.

 

"I need to talk to you," Shepard said.

 

"Alright," he turned to her, almost akimbo and mostly leaning on a rail. Familiar. When did they get familiar? 

 

"I need to talk out some tactics."

 

"Tactics?" He wasn't expecting that. He was expecting something soft so he had to be gentle with her. Shepard was broken and lost. Whoever Cerberus brought back wasn't the woman who razed Torfan or took down Saren. 

 

She knew he knew.

 

"You are my tactics guy aren't you?"

 

He winced. That would be a yes. 

 

"Mordin's student wanted to cure the genophage," Shepard whispered.

 

"What a great idea," Garrus said sarcastically. "How'd that work out?"

 

Shepard shook her head. "It doesn't matter. He's dead. I need to know if you have destroyed his work."

 

Garrus cocked his head in surprise. "Ah… I…" he was thinking and when he came to a conclusion, he asked, "Why do you ask?"

 

"Because we've practically got a cure upstairs," she pointed up in the direction of Mordin's lab. 

 

"Nothing can ever be theoretical, can it?"

 

"Garrus."

 

"I would have destroyed it," he said. "I couldn't handle the responsibility. To decide something that would affect so many lives … it's not for me."

 

Shepard scoffed. He couldn't handle the responsibility to affect lives? What did he think his body count was? 

 

"You got something to say, Shepard?" 

 

No. He wouldn't like what she thought. She didn't want to hurt him more than necessary. Although, the way he said that was… "You always take that tone with your commanding officer?" He didn't before. 

 

"Of course not… ma'am."

 

Ooh. The bastard. That ma'am went straight to her nipples. "You keep up this disrespect and I'll…"

 

He looked very happy with himself, waiting for her to finish her threat. Eager to hear what she'd come up with.

 

"You'll see," she finished with her own smirk. No one messes with Commander Shepard, let alone teases Commander Shepard, and gets away with it. 

 

"I look forward to it. But going back to the cure… if anyone should have it, it's you."

 

What? Shepard was the last person who should have the future of the genophage.

 

"We're going to need a lot of weapons when the Reapers come," he continued. "And you can turn anything into a weapon."

 

Exactly why she shouldn't have it. Change the subject. 

 

"But if you want a theoretical… what about Saren?" she said. Virmire she meant. 

 

"Saren?" 

 

"I've been thinking about what worked," she said carefully. Don't give anything away, it's not safe. Nowhere is safe. 

 

"Do you think we could have done it without Wrex?"

 

"Having someone like Wrex on your side will make anything easier. But. Well, I'll think about it," he said and he meant it. He probably thought she was considering spacing someone on the SR2. A different ancient biotic with bizarre morals that include a lot of killing. 

 

She wasn't, but maybe she should. Samara's presence just added another layer of stress onto everything. 

 

"Shepard, are you okay?"

 

Of course she was. Besides the shaking. Her teeth chattered slightly. "It's just stress," she waved it off.

 

Garrus shrugged. "Stress, huh? I'm still not sure how humans deal with it on missions like this. This isn't like like Saren. That was a quick in and out."

 

"You thought taking down Saren was a quick in and out?" 

 

"Compared to this? Yeah. We didn't have Cerberus..." Garrus started to ramble, started to compare the way she ran her ship compared to a Turian one. 

 

"I have to go," Shepard said abruptly. If Turian ships were so great, why wasn't he on one?

 

"Of course, Commander."

 

Chapter 8: Long walk on a short cliff (interlude)

The Hammerhead stopped well before it blew up or hovered itself into an abyss. Shepard knew how to balance risks. 

 

Grunt jumped out with a roar. "Battle Master?" he asked, shifting from foot to foot, like a puppy trying to stay still. 

 

"Go ahead," Shepard said.

 

"He's fast," Garrus observed, “...when he wants to be.”

 

Shepard took off her helmet and inhaled. Looking around, maybe she was closer to blowing up her team and throwing them into an abyss than she thought. 

 

Oh, well.

 

"You wanna join him?" Shepard jestured in the direction Grunt ran. 

 

"Nah, I'll watch the Hammerhead and make sure it cools," Garrus responded, but she was pretty sure he meant to watch her and make sure Commander Shepard doesn't go into standby mode because Cerberus didn't give her enough memory. 

 

"What was your favorite part of Earth?"

 

Shepard looked sharply. What the hell was he getting at? 

 

"Rain was my favorite part of Earth," she said cautiously. 

 

"Doesn't it rain ice stones on Earth?" Garrus asked. 

 

"No," Shepard said, annoyed at all the stupid assumptions that come with being from Earth. This was a new one… except, "wait, yes, it does. But only sometimes. And it's called hail."

 

"Happens so much it has its own word. Sounds fun."

 

"It smells good," she said defensively. "It's like a nice shower for the world."

 

Garrus considered it. 

 

"I listen to rain sounds to help myself sleep and relax," she didn't mean to say. That was too personal. Too much. Too warm and safe.

 

"Look, there's Grunt," Shepard pointed. He was running through Geth, metal limbs flying around him. 

 

One of them fizzled. Overload. Cute. 

 

"He'll probably get mad for helping," Shepard said. "You'll ruin his stats."

 

"You think? He should see how useful combat tech is. Tali wants me to teach him overload."

 

"Watch this," Shepard muttered. She needed a moment and it didn't always work, but when it did… a Geth paused for just a moment before it turned and shot another Geth through the head. 

 

"Nice," Garrus admired. "How long does it last?"

 

Gunt killed it. 

 

"Usually longer than that," Shepard sighed. 

 

"I don't need help," Grunt came over the comms.

 

Shepard found a relatively comfortable place to sit on the ground, to settle. "Do you want to go back to the Hammerhead? I think it cooled down."

 

Shepard felt Garrus thinking. "Eventually," he finally said and sat down next to her. 

 

"How are you?" He tried. 

 

I think Cerberus didn't fix my brain damage, or they gave me more.

 

Shepard picked up a pebble and threw it into eternity. 

 

I'm confused. 

 

Shepard took a deep breath.

 

I'm so scared. 

 

Garrus wasn't waiting for an answer, just thinking his own thoughts. 

 

Shepard felt something twitch. He wasn't paying attention to her. She didn’t like that.

 

"I'm doing alright," she said. And it was as true as it ever was. Maybe even before she died. 

 

Garrus breathed a lazy chuckle. "We've come a long way, and yet here we are."

 

"Where?" Shepard demanded, looking at his profile. Following his outline. The end of his mandible has two pieces hanging like big skin tags, drops that would never fall. Hopefully. 

 

All Turians have that. 

 

There was just enough space to put her finger between them.

 

"On some planet, looking for resources, waiting for the vehicle to recover after you slammed it into a Geth… just like old times," Garrus drawled.

 

"You’re too young to have gone a long way or collected old memories."

 

"No, I'm old enough, " Garrus countered smoothly. Confident. It wasn't a debate, it was a correction. 

 

She didn’t have much room for argument. He knew his age better than she did. All she knew was that he was as young as someone with his rap sheet could be. 

 

She raised a finger and…

 

Garrus looked at her, obviously offended. She cocked her head, challenging him to do something.

 

He took her hand and pulled it out of his mandible. "That's incredibly rude, Shepard," he said, laughing. 

 

Shepard stood. “My manners are impeccable.”

 

He laughed again. "But seriously Shepard, don't do that."

 

"Is it sexual?" Shepard suddenly felt sheepish, well on her way to being ashamed. 

 

"No. Wait… no. I mean there's something for everyone, but… no."

 

Shepard pursed her lips in a repressed smile. "Thanks for taking a break with me, I really appreciate it.”

 

"Any time, Shepard."

 

Chapter 9: Zombie

"Hey!" Ashley Williams called and waved. “Over here!”

 

"Williams," Shepard started, but realized she wasn't being talked to. The boy waddled to Ashley. 

 

Shepard approached. "This your boy, Chief?"

 

"Yeah," Ashley smiled and kissed his forehead. "I'm taking care of all the Shepard orphans here."

 

Here? Here on Torfan? "My orphans?" 

 

"What did you think would happen to the kids of all the people you killed, Shepard?"

 

"Commander Shepard," Shepard curtly corrected. 

 

"Not to me anymore. Well, not to anyone," Ashley walked away with the stupid boy. "But I guess it's all you have left."

 

Shepard followed. 

 

There were other children now. Mostly human and Batarian, but a decent amount of little Asari. The further they went, the thicker the kids were. 

 

Shepard followed Ashley close. The little boy looked back at her confused once in a while. 

 

Ashley led them to a corpse in a clearing of children. Adult human, probably male, wearing a tattered old fashioned Alliance uniform. Dead for years. 

 

"Here he is, Dad," Ashley handed the boy to the corpse. 

 

"The hell are you doing, Williams?" Shepard reached for the boy to pull him back. 

 

The boy, the stupid boy, looked at her as he stepped back and snuggled into the body's arms. His mouth moved, but Shepard didn't hear anything. 

 

"Did you kill me?" he might have asked. It was too loud. 

 

"Turn it up," Williams said, dancing to the static. And it got louder. Deeper. It turned into a rumble. 

 

"Turn it off," Shepard demanded. She never killed a child. Not directly. Not intentionally.

 

"Don't knock show tunes," Ashley teased and bumped her hip into Shepard's. Any of these kids could be dead now. How was she supposed to keep track of every ripple she made?

 

"This isn't a show tune," Shepard snarled. This music was knocking her around and she needed to move to keep her balance so she wouldn't fall off.

 

Fucking cold. It was cold and dark. She needed to ask Ashley something important. 

 

Shepard slipped and fell into the cold water. She bounced from the impact and landed in bed.

 

---

 

"Seriously?!" Jack snapped. "She's coming?"

 

"Seriously," Miranda answered dryly. 

 

"You take Cerberus with you to a Cerberus facility," Shepard squirmed in her armor. It wasn't sitting right. "It's pretty straightforward."

 

Jack gritted and paced, ready to say something. Instead, her face went cold and she settled into the shuttle. 

 

Miranda's leg shook all the way to Pragia.

 

Shepard looked into a distance to avoid the little boy sitting next to Jack. The one who probably wasn't there. Or maybe he was. Either way, she was screwed. 

 

---

 

Shepard surreptitiously poked a mattress in one of the Pragia cells. Nice beds didn't make up for what the kids had to put up with. But still. She didn't have a bed this nice. 

 

"I had it the worst!" Jack insisted.

 

"Someone always has it worse, Jack. And that someone is always as good as dead," Shepard answered calmly. A nice bed here was worse than a shitty bed with the Reds. 

 

"No!" Jack could be very loud, "... yes," she conceded a second later (still loud, but that was her voice). 

 

The man they were talking about, who had it worse than Jack, already looked dead. His name was Aresh and he rested his head against the barrel of Jack's pistol. Shepard wondered where he planned on getting kids for more experiments.

 

Jack had no idea what happened on Pragia.

 

"This cell must have gone rogue," Miranda decided for the third time. Miranda had no idea either what Cerberus does either.

 

They were all dead weight.

 

Shepard watched Jack's hands, tight and clenching. 

 

Commander Shepard could tell, just by looking at you, how comfortable you are with a gun. The only people who make it onto her team are the ones who treat their gun like a part of their body, a part they maintain control of even if everything else is lost. 

 

Jack held the gun as if it were the first time and she didn't know what it was. The weight, the balance, the angle. All wrong. 

 

"Shoot him," Shepard told Jack. Shoot him before it goes off by accident. 

 

Jack inhaled and started speaking in a child's voice. "Will it fix things? If I kill him will…"

 

"Yes," Shepard said definitively. It was an easy question. "There's no problem that can't be fixed with a bullet in the head." 

 

Jack nodded. "I understand that now."

 

Now? Jack already knew that. 

 

(bang)

 

There was a body on the floor. Shepard didn't look, afraid it wouldn't be the man Jack just shot. 

 

As if it were only the three of them, Jack started introducing them to her furniture. Miranda was paying a notable amount of attention. Shepard however was listening to the little boy under Jack's bed. He was trying very hard to be quiet. 

 

He could have actually ended up here. Batarian goods sold to Cerberus, turned into one of the many blood stains in the facility. 

 

A terrified child can show how scared they are by how tough they act. Jack sounded really fucking scared. 

 

Shepard used to to really be a tough kid though. Codename and all. Not like… "Ready?" She asked Jack. They needed to leave. 

 

"Hey, Janey! Come here!" Someone called to her from another room. A child nervously scratched the floor under the bed. Between games, after enough drinks, they'd find her hiding. Him. Jack. Aresh. Miranda.

 

Shepard needed to get out.

 

"Let's go," Jack agreed. 

 

Bodies and blood stains of various ages stayed in Jack's room. 

 

Floating above the facility, Jack blew it up. The explosion shook the shadows away so there was nowhere to look away. 

 

As the shuttle took them back, the three women all watched their knees. 

 

They were all tough kids. 

 

Notes:

I suddenly feel the need to reorder some chapters, so there might not be an update next week. Or maybe there will if I put it together in time. Or if I just post the next chapter as planned.

Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you're enjoying ❤

Chapter 10: Horror Vacui

A murder sex Asari?

 

"Sounds like my kind of Asari," Shepard said when Samara told her about Morinth. They had a lot in common. They knew you need to take your pleasure when you can find it and they were on Samara's hit list. Among other things. 

 

Samara frowned disappointedly. "Morinth will want you. To have you, she will speak of your deepest desires… things you wouldn't even admit to yourself."

 

Shepard snorted. 

 

"You must resist," Samara continued. 

 

"No problem."

 

Shepard looked at the notes she'd been taking. Wait to be approached. Danger. Excitement. Blah blah blah. Samara gave a well practiced speech. This wasn't the first time. 

 

"One question. You've killed more people than she has, right?"

 

"Yes," Samara answered simply. Of course. 

 

---

 

They were approaching Omega when Shepard remembered she was not capable of doing this mission. It wasn't an easy admission. There were very few things Shepard could not do, and most of that was biotics. 

 

Samara should know she was bad bait for anyone who didn't like bitter teenage gang members without breasts. Or, to update from the last time Shepard did something like this, bitter 30-something terrorist organization members without breasts. 

 

They would get to Omega and Tali would go shopping for couplings. Mordin would check on his clinic. Garrus would lock himself in to calibrate (aka self flagellate) until they were on the other side of the galaxy. Shepard would try and fail to catch a predator because these directions are bullshit.

 

She should pull out. If Samara really wanted this, she should have approached someone else. Miranda. Thane. Even Joker. Anyone else.

 

Shepard couldn't get ready for this, she couldn't test her skills before going into battle.

 

Except… she had a sparring partner, didn't she? Shepard approached the main battery. He would reorient her like the gyroscope he was. Helping her figure out how this was just another way of shooting someone.

 

"Vakarian! Can I seduce you?"

 

Garrus looked past her to see who might be watching. He waved her in and closed the door like he was hiding from spies. "Uh, maybe? Why?"

 

Shepard looked down and smiled. On review, she didn't not have breasts. 

 

She was going to seduce the hell out of Morinth. 

 

---

 

Nef's home had been a warm and safe place. Shepard was relieved that phase passed. Just the residue from all the love and happiness made her want to break something. It was better now. Cold means clean. 

 

"Stop whining, you're lucky this is getting any attention at all," Shepard told Nef's mother with a disdain that certainly was for someone else.

 

"Wh- what?" The mother stammered. Samara put her hand on the mother's shoulder and said something softly, mother to mother.

 

Shepard left them to look for clues. She was good at finding clues and figuring out what happened. (Even when someone doesn't leave out a video diary of everything that happened up to their murder.)

 

Nef looked so young and excited. How could anyone grow up on Omega with that kind of hope? 

 

Aria said the girl's body was left empty. 

 

Suddenly the air reeked. Something died here.

 

---

 

The Afterlife VIP room was boring. The people were spineless. There were reporters who took a punch better than the Krogans at this place. Shepard yawned. God, she wanted a drink. 

 

Samara?

 

Crap.

 

Samara was there. Crappity fuck. What's she doing here?

 

Shepard tensed, very awake now as Samara smiled and approached. "Hey, I'm Morinth," Samara cooed. 

 

…

 

Seriously? 

 

"Hey," Shepard smiled, trying to catch up. Samara didn't bother to mention that Morinth looked more like her than Miranda did her goddamn clone. "I'm Janey." 

 

---

 

Shepard walked around Morinth's apartment, ignoring the Asari's commentary about her ugly art.

 

It was cold. She needed to keep moving to stay warm. 

 

"Take a hallex if you want," Morinth offered. Shepard perked up. She did want. "But I'd rather have you with your mind sharp," Morinth continued. 

 

Shepard pocketed the pills. For later. Morinth laughed, "I'll need that back."

 

She wouldn't. Shepard wouldn't be had.

 

"Come on," Morinth commanded, her nice facade dropped for an impatient moment. Shepard wanted Samara to show up and she wanted to get away from this place.

 

"Just surveying the battlefield," Shepard said and Morinth tittered. 

 

"Why don't you come over here and do some reconnaissance?"

 

No. 

 

Where the fuck was Samara? It was too cold. Morinth would be warm. Asari snuggle for body heat too. 

 

Shepard liked recon.

 

"Getting some good data here," Shepard said coyly as she cuddled against Morinth. Her muscles relaxed at the warmth.

 

Recon. How did she end up here? 

 

Morinth was warm and her voice soothed that spot on Shepard's shoulder that was always sore. Sniper recoil was a bitch. 

 

She could have gone into recon instead of Torfan. 

 

Kyle said not to let a single one get away and she didn't. Then he left her to handle all the fallout and to take all the blame. 

 

Empty. An Ardat Yakshi leaves your dead body empty. But empty can be nice. Emptied of the Reds, the Alliance, Cerberus… just a life of nothing on the warm beach, the Geth playing all around her like children. 

 

It was so cold.

 

---

 

"Hey," Garrus greeted. "How'd it go?"

 

I fucked up. 

 

"We got her," Shepard answered. "Couldn't have done it without you."

 

Garrus looked at her like he was looking for something. He didn't find it. "Good to know I, uh. I helped… Are you OK?"

 

The hallex started to kick in. "Just nerves," Shepard exhaled and she felt better. Just talking helped. 

 

Garrus was so heavy. He was like an anchor. She was a moth to his flame. He would drown and burn her. But in a good way. 

 

She didn't feel high. She didn't feel inebriated. She just felt fine. This was good. 

 

"Nerves huh? You know, I still don't know how to relieve stress on a human ship," Garrus turned to her. 

 

"Aren't we sparring?" Shepard reminded him. In fact they had just sparred earlier. She could still feel his talons grasping, pinching… ahem.

 

"Well, this one time, back when I was still in the Turian military…" Garrus started. Shepard heard this one a few times. If he thought he could get better sex on a Turian ship, she'd show him. 

 

"Looks like you're carrying some stress there," she Cheshire grinned and Garrus stepped back warily. 

 

"Not quite what I meant." Shepard abhorred a vacuum. "We can test your reach and my flexibility."

 

Notes:

See Chapter 1 of Something like Fluff for the sparring and Garrus POV.

Chapter 11: Dead spectre walking

Hello Janine Shepherd, 

 

I am sorry to say the Alliance has changed the status of your parent(s) or guardian(s) to KIA. They were officially MIA for [21t5 to 22,8] after last seen on [redacted] at [redacted] [redacted], when we officially declared them [kaput euphemism].

Please confirm the below information to ensure you receive the appropriate survivor benefits…

 

A scam that is an insult to scammers. They either wanted her survivor's benefits or anti-Turian support. Either way, she had nothing for them. And Kelly needed to spend more time on her job and filter out the garbage before Shepard saw it. 

 

She stretched. There was no hallex hangover. But there was something else. Something gross and unpleasant. She felt guilty. 

 

Shepard knew what she did. 

 

---

 

"Hey," she cautiously said as she entered the main battery, watching Garrus carefully. The victim of her guilty actions. 

 

"Haeh!" Garrus jumped. "I mean, hello Commander," he said all debonair with his bedroom voice. It would have been smooth if he wasn't pulling off his gloves and twisting them around knotted. 

 

Shepard looked at his hands. His skin was brownish there, a bit darker and ruddier than his neck. She pulled the knotted gloves away from him. Untangling them would give her something to do. 

 

She lied to him. It was a different kind of lie, but still a lie.

 

---

 

Identify friend or foe. 

 

Identify. 

 

Friend. 

 

Shepard looked around the dead Reaper. It had been dead for millions of years. Millions! She never met anyone who’d been dead that long. 

 

---

 

"Are you still going to try and kill me? When this is over?" Shepard asked Samara, grateful at how gracefully the Asari could handle bluntness. Some people needed to be wined and dined first. 

 

"Yes," Samara said simply. 

 

Shepard's instinct was to take out a pistol and kill Samara right there. One shot. Back of the head. Right where the crests met the twisted neck.

 

She didn't. 

 

"Don't I get any points for helping the justicar with her mission? Taking down the Ardat Yakshi?" Shepard was just teasing now. She knew the code had no points, no consideration. The man who steals bread to feed his family gets the same punishment as the woman who sells poisoned bread for kicks. 

 

Samara stood and glided over to the couch. "Sit." 

 

Shepard briefly sneered before sitting next to Samara. She didn't like orders like that, especially from her own team. 

 

"I am very old, Shepard." 

 

"I figured."

 

Samara smiled and looked at Shepard like a mom, amused with a dash of reprimand. 

 

Shepard looked at her shoulder, then her thighs, "I don't need you. I just need someone with your abilities. You are a liability."

 

"When Morinth offered to take my place on your mission, I admit, I was surprised to survive the encounter," Samara replied. 

 

Shepard bit her tongue. She had been surprised too. How much effort would be needed to bite it off? It would need determination as well as force.

 

"Why did I?" Samara asked. Shepard tried to hear disappointment in the question. She couldn't find any, but there wasn't curiosity either. 

 

Shepard started to shake. She focused it all into one leg. It would look like irritation. How could she say this? "Because. How old was Nef?"

 

"I don't know. She was very young."

 

"But not the youngest?"

 

"No."

 

It was a rhetorical question and Shepard hadn't wanted an answer. It's hard to remember being young. 

 

Shepard died years ago. Between the explosions on the crew deck and the explosions on the Lazarus Station, they say she saved Joker and floated into oblivion.

 

Shepard remembers differently. She remembers the darkness when you close your eyes, the Protheans melting in agony, Sovereign getting closer. And closer. 

 

A two year blink.

 

Inhale. 

 

"You don't expect to win against me, do you? After the Collectors?"

 

It was a yes or no question. 

 

Samara smiled faintly and took Shepard’s hand. 

 

Yes or no.

 

"I thought I was too old to be surprised anymore, but you have shown me otherwise."

 

Yes or no. It should have been easy to answer.

 

---

 

"We're all dead here," Shepard patted a wall in the dead Reaper reassuringly. She was here as a friend. 

 

"Shepard?" Miranda asked, unsure if there was something she didn't hear. Or did. 

 

"Lawson."

 

"Dr Chandana's team," Miranda handed Shepard a datapad. "They were indoctrinated."

 

---

 

"That looks nice," Shepard watched Miranda pressing a dress to herself, twisting in front of the mirror to watch how it hangs. 

 

"Thank you," Miranda smiled. "Oriana recommended it."

 

"So you did talk to her," Shepard scowled. “I took a big risk to help your sister stay safe and now you’re endangering her again by letting her know you exist. I don’t like wasting my time, Lawson.”

 

"You knew I would," Miranda said, hanging the dress up. This was true. “She’s really wonderful. Nothing like me at all," Miranda continued. "She's funny."

 

Shepard decided to be nice.

 

"Well, I suppose you took a risk there," Shepard grinned uncomfortably. Miranda risked everything on Shepard. Her reputation, career, everyone on the Lazarus station, the station itself, her life… "I wouldn't let someone like me near someone I love."

 

"No?" Miranda asked absently. "I would. Well, I did. You aren't the type to go after someone who hasn't hurt you."

 

"Who has time?"

 

"Exactly. If you want to hurt me, you'll go straight for my gut and you won't come back. I appreciate that."

 

"Gut or knees," Shepard agreed.

 

Miranda loved her sister. But what about the other ones? The other clones, other Mirandas and Orianas. Or Shepards.

 

"Of course, Commander," Miranda said politely. "Now do you have your team for the Reaper IFF lined up?"

 

---

 

Indoctrination. How embarrassing; Shepard shook her head. Imagine letting a dead Reaper - a broken machine - take your memories and spread them around until someone you loved was just gone, turned into communal memory soup.

 

"Did you know any of them?" 

 

"Mmhmm," Miranda said.

 

"I'm sorry," Shepard said. 

 

"They were good people," Miranda said. "I… I was at the wedding they're talking about."

 

---

 

"Well, ah. Good morning," Shepard smiled as she made the gloves worse. 

 

Garrus made a show of checking the time and looking at her with faux confusion. "Morning, huh? That's what we're calling this?" he teased.

 

"Mmhmm. I stay on my own cycle. Consistency is key, you know? "

 

Garrus snuffed and relaxed against a railing. "So routine is the great Commander's secret." His eyes moved down. He was blatantly checking her out. The cad. "Good to know," he finished.

 

Garrus deserved better.

 

---

 

Every scientist was indoctrinated to think they married the same woman. 

 

"That's pointless,' Shepard scoffed. "Making you forget what? Romance? That doesn't hurt anything."

 

Grunt nodded sagely. As if he knew anything about that. 

 

"Love, Shepard," Miranda said sharply. "Love is what makes us human. And Krogan," she quickly added and gestured to Grunt (who nodded in agreement to that too). "It gives life meaning …" Miranda looked Shepard right in the eye, "That is what the Reaper took from these men."

 

Shepard swallowed the emotions that just got kicked up. She was so scared. Terrified. Cold inside. The spot where Miranda didn't put a control chip throbbed.

 

"I would make them be confused about how to shoot instead," Grunt added.

 

---

 

Garrus deserved someone who would flirt with him sober, for a start. If he knew she was on hallex, he wouldn't have responded like he did. He would have given her water and deflected her so well Shepard would wonder if she even made a shot. 

 

---

 

Shepard looked at the Geth. Foe or friend?

 

N7.

 

"Welcome, aboard," Shepard offered her hand to Legion. It lived because she allowed it. 

 

They were many. Beyond comprehension. 

 

---

 

Garrus looked at her and saw someone who told him the truth. It felt nice for someone to be so wrong about her. 

 

What should she say? She was high and probably emotional last night, so forget it and never assume Shepard is reliable. 

 

"Garrus," Shepard started when she got an opening in the knot. She pulled a bit and yes! This was getting untangled. 

 

"Shepard," Garrus responded and let the flustering take over. He rambled. Wanting; just for us; making memories to treasure… Shepard felt herself grow towards him like a flower to the sun. Then he said the word 'intercourse.' Intercourse!

 

Crap. This was her fault. After everything he'd been through, he'd be like this with anyone. He was starving for intimacy and knew he couldn't get it from her. And yet…

 

"Garrus, if you're uncomfortable with this," she touched him. She didn't know what else to say. When you're that hungry, you'll eat poison. 

 

"No," he held her wrist and pressed her hand to his armor to keep her there. "I mean… uh. You don't need to worry about making me uncomfortable."

 

Shepard made a face that showed exactly what she thought about how comfortable he was. 

 

"Nervous, yes," he laughed lightly. "Uncomfortable, no."

 

Shepard was about to tell him there was no difference, but instead something warm and giddy came out via some humming giggle noise. 

 

He made her nervous too. 

 

Chapter 12: Vanity Project (Interlude)

Do you ever remember the night before Ilos? 

 

If Kelly spent even a little bit of effort doing her official job, Shepard would have seen that note from Kaidan sooner. 

 

"Okay, Shepard," Tali waved a spatula at her. "This might sting at first, but you won't notice because you'll be transfixed by the amazing scent," she read off a container.

 

They sat on Shepard's bed like teenagers.

 

"Alright," Shepard agreed and closed her eyes. Something cold was on her cheek. Then it burned. It smelled like burnt rubber and bleached lemons.

 

She would have said of course she remembered. She would ignore the horror and the truth. She would lie until what happened was canceled out. 

 

"Does it burn? Does it smell good?" Tali asked.

 

"Yes. No."

 

"Hmm." 

 

"Is it working yet?" Shepard asked. Maybe she would have told the truth. Kaidan knew what it was anyway. 

 

"I… yes? I think you should look," Tali pushed a mirror to Shepard's hand. 

 

Well, something happened fast. At least one part of the product's promise was met. 

 

Shepard gingerly touched her cheek and watched the cream slowly take on the colors of her skin, the pixels getting smaller and smoother. The scar was gone. But so was about half her cheekbone. She looked smudged. 

 

"Not bad?" Tali shrugged. 

 

"It's not worse," Shepard said, even if she wasn't sure about that. It was certainly cheaper than the scar removing machine. 

 

Kaidan knew she forgot. 

 

The cream felt tight as it adjusted to her scars. Miranda was right. 

 

"Oh…" Tali tried to tell Shepard something. 

 

"It's going to blow isn't it?" 

 

"It's puffing up," Tali admitted. 

 

With a satisfying release, the scar concealer hardened and popped off her face. "Miranda said these cybernetics would bake any scar stuff that actually works," Shepard explained. But she had to try. 

 

Her beautiful face was covered in glowing red scars that grew and branched seemingly all day. Of course she had to try.  

 

"Oh," Tali was disappointed. 

 

"But I appreciate your help," Shepard smiled and picked up the hardened crusts that could have been her new skin.

 

"It was fun," Tali added, almost like a suggestion. 

 

"It was," Shepard agreed. "But we can slap the rest on Garrus to see what his cybernetics do." Shepard grinned. She thought Tali did too. 

 

She didn't remember the night before Ilos. The more she tried, the blurrier and colder it got.

 

"Garrus, huh? Well, first I'm not done with you," Tali declared and took Shepard’s makeup bag. "Everyone in the Flotilla knew I was the best at face shields."

 

"Mmhmm."

 

"So face faces have to be easier," Tali tried to convince them both. "No refraction, no glare…"

 

Kaidan knew. He could always see right through her. It's how he knew she was her, how he knew she forgot - 

 

"These are like paint brushes!" Tali concluded with her makeup brushes. "You're going to be so pretty when I'm done with you…"

 

Chapter 13: Welcome home, Shepard

The mission to Aratoht was technically a failure in that Shepard killed the woman she was so supposed to rescue. In actuality it was a huge win because the Reapers were delayed. 

 

And…

 

One. 

 

Two. 

 

Three.

 

Alive. Shepard was alive, a nice bonus.

 

They were in another star system. She made it onto the Normandy and survived. 

 

"Hello?... EDI?" Shepard felt tight and slowly sat in Joker's chair. Now that it was safe she could shake and be hungry. Thirsty. Cold. Achey. 

 

The EDI ball popped up and moved. If Shepard could read the equivalent of its lips, she'd have thought EDI said, "Shepard."

 

EDI was broken. 

 

Joker's chair was very comfortable. He was right about that. And it didn't smell, like Shepard suspected, considering how much time he spent there. She felt around for Joker's snacks. 

 

Where was he?

 

It must be the night shift. But even then, there should be someone.

 

"Status!"

 

EDI was broken. Her icon shimmered.

 

"EDI, fix your speakers. Who else is here?"

 

Shepard's omnitool buzzed. It was EDI. Buzz buzz buzz.

 

The CIC was covered in blood. There were two bodies from the Cerberus crew. Her crew. 

 

Three hundred thousand deaths was the smallest possible number of deaths at Aratoht. It was that or the lives of billions. Simple math. 

 

Shepard, there is nothing wrong with my hardware. Can you hear anything? -EDI

 

Yes. Shepard could hear Amanda Kenson. She could hear flashbangs. She could hear music. Awful music that sounded like buildings being ripped apart. 

 

 It was too loud to hear anything.

 

The ship was attacked by the Collectors. -EDI

 

She saved more than she killed. 

 

"So they're all dead."

 

Jeff is here. He is downstairs. - EDI

 

Jeff? Who the hell is Je- Joker? 

 

"Most of the crew was abducted, not killed. They might still be alive."

 

"What the hell is Joker doing on the crew deck?" He should be at his station. 

 

"Cleaning. Shepard… can you hear me?"

 

"Of course," Shepard stood up. Why wouldn't she?

 

---

 

"At least you kept the ship in one piece this time," she entered the med bay with a packet of juice, just like a biotic. 

 

"Got anything for the sterilizer?" Joker gestured to the autoclave. It looked full. A spoon fell out.

 

"Maybe. But it's fine." 

 

"'Kay. Figured this was the most important part to clean first." 

 

"Is that what the disaster recovery guide says?"

 

"Probably," Joker said bitterly. 

 

"No," EDI said at the same time. 

 

A small medical tray and something thin and metal clattered out of the machine as Joker closed the door and ran it.

 

"I heard about the crew. But the team… " Shepard started. Garrus. 

 

"Shrike Abyssal. They're caught up on what happened. Just waiting for pick up."

 

The Shrike Abyssal? Shepard vaguely remembered the group would do Collector Base drills by hitting the blood pack while she got Kenson. 

 

No. Of course that's what happened. She would run an errand while they did team building exercises/ merc takedowns on the other side of the galaxy.

 

"Go take a break, Moreau. I'll finish up in here."

 

"Ma'am?"

 

Shepard didn't blame him. She'd be suspicious of her offer too. "That's an order."

 

"Will do," Joker sat on a cot. "And, uh, Shepard? No offense, but if we want the medbay clean, maybe leave?"

 

Her arm was webbed with thick blood and something white. One of Kenson's men. 

 

Shepard picked up an earring. It had been stepped on so the hook was almost straight.

 

Dr Chakwas wasn't here. EDI said they only left the dead bodies. 

 

She'd look for the other one later.

 

"You're lucky I didn't hear that," Shepard left to take care of the bodies in the mess hall. Tripping hazards. She hadn't heard a thing since she got back on the Normandy. Just Sovereign roaring, taking Saren apart from the inside…

 

 Sovereign was gone. Joker killed him. 

 

"Night, Commander," Joker said. He wouldn't sleep. 

 

---

 

"The entire star system is gone?" Miranda was shocked. 

 

"Didn't take you for a Batarian lover, Lawson."

 

Butcher. 

 

Did someone say that? Shepard jerked her head to see, but no one was behind her. 

 

A child touched her knee, grabbing it because that's all they could reach.

 

"I… that's not the point," Miranda said. "Joker told us about the crew, he told us he couldn't raise you on comms for days, but…"

 

"Yeah yeah. A lot of shit went down. Next person to recap gets Gardner's duties."

 

"Shepard, that's not fair," Jacob said. "We knew doing two missions in separate star systems at the same time was a risk."

 

"Gardner's shift? Ew," Kasumi said at the same time. 

 

Shepard glared at them and they both nodded. 

 

"I take food, you take the toilets?" Kasumi suggested. Jacob shrugged, dazed. The crew was gone and that's where his mind was. He'd sign up for anything right now. They were his friends.

 

“The crew," Miranda started. “There might still be time…” They were her friends too.

 

"We're not ready. We need more upgrades. Our guns need to be in the best shape possible."

 

Eyes traced the lines where Shepard's scars had been. It took a lot of platinum and Dr Chakwas to get rid of them and now they didn't have either. 

 

If she wasn't so confident about going to Aratoht alone…

 

Her vanity was a hazard. 

 

"Anything else?" Shepard asked the crew as she stood, despite how horizontal she wanted to get. "Any thing?"

 

"Uh," Tali stammered before deciding to stay quiet.

 

Without looking at Tali, Shepard replied, "I decide what's not important around here."

 

"It's just a thing," Tali started. "A personal thing, but the admiralty board accused me of treason."

 

"Great. And?"

 

"And they want me to stand trial, but obviously -"

 

"Obviously, we're going to prove you're innocent. Top priority. Where is the Migrant Fleet now?"

 

Her team looked confused. Shepard agreed. Tali? Treason? What bullshit.

Chapter 14: Head Over Feet

Garrus smiled as they approached. "Did you get Tali off?"

 

Shepard raised a brow. 

 

"I, uh, I mean -"

 

"Ugh," Tali walked past them. "Leave me out of whatever this is." She waved her fingers at them and disappeared into the Normandy elevator. 

 

"I meant…" Garrus started before Shepard put her hand on his shoulder. Steady. 

 

"I know what you meant. And yes. I also got this," Shepard held up a model ship. 

 

"Oh," Garrus said politely. He hadn't been to her cabin. He didn't know. Yet. Shepard grinned. She wanted to show him her ships and tell him about them. She wanted to put one together with him. His technical skills would give her fleet an edge. (Any other benefits to doing models with him would be secondary and tertiary.)

 

"I have to admit," Garrus started, "some of us were a little confused by this trip to the fleet."

 

"Why?"

 

"Uh, you know. It seemed weird to stop everything in an um, emergent situation to, ah. Come deal with Tali's legal issues."

 

"Uh-huh," Shepard said skeptically. 

 

"I mean not a lot of us heard you say the part about finishing our upgrades at the Fleet. It seemed like setting a court date was more important to you than getting ready for the Collectors."

 

"Well, you should all be listening more… or mutinied if that's what you thought. Of course then you would have finished the upgrades somewhere more expensive because none of you realized that the Quarians are the masters of getting things done with limited resources." Shepard huffed. She didn't mean to speak without taking a breath. 

 

"Next time."

 

"No, none of you would have gotten away with mutiny," Shepard patted her sidearm mindlessly. A reflex. "What did you think about this trip?" Shepard asked quietly. He was speaking for the team, not for himself.

 

Garrus stepped close, his hands carefully floating around her body looking for someplace to land. "I…" he started unsure. Shepard took his hands and put them low on her waist. They were hot. She would put them somewhere else next time, starting with her sore shoulder. Or that ache in her outer thigh.

 

Garrus made a noise that sounded a lot like the beginning of his name. Guh. Or the different ache high in her inner thigh.

 

He cleared his throat. 

 

"I thought," he finally said, "that whatever you did would be the best course of action. I don't need to understand you to believe in you."

 

Evasive. And credible. 

 

"Anyway, is the Normandy ready for the Collectors?" She didn't want to talk about that anymore. 

 

"Yeah. Well, Thane said we are. Thane and Zaeed. Turns out most of us aren't good at talking to Quarians or bartering… especially when you bring up treason and active Geth."

 

"You…?"

 

"They asked why I was there, Shepard. What was I supposed to do? Lie?"

 

"Yes," Shepard smiled and couldn't do anything besides kissing his mouth. He was like joy and she almost couldn't handle it. 

 

---

 

A Salarian was desperately bashing himself against the skylight above Shepard's bed.

 

"Let me out let me out let me out let…"

 

Shepard ignored him and turned to face Garrus. The Salarian was out. He was in space. You can't get more out than that.

 

"Hey," Garrus touched her forehead to begin a trace around her hairline. 

 

"Yeah?" Shepard pushed a pillow between them. His body wasn't very cuddly, although he, surprisingly, very much was.

 

He went across her forehead, circling behind her ear. "Just seemed like you went somewhere."

 

"Without you?"

 

Garrus shrugged. He was lost at the back of her neck, feeling the muscles and bones and tendons there. 

 

Not that she could explain that to the Salarian. He was indoctrinated. They all were… were… going back around her other ear to finish mapping her hairline. 

 

"Anyone ever tell you human ears look like flowers?"

 

"Flowers?" The answer was no. "What kind of flowers?"

 

"You know. The kind they make you cut up when you're in school? Well, ah. Turian school anyway. Do humans teach their children botany?"

 

Shepard shrugged and frowned, ready for a different kind of conversation. She didn't like thinking about what children are supposed to get.

 

"Sorry," Garrus said sheepishly. He probably had visions of little Reds Shepard cutting up informants instead of plants. She knew people thought she was a feral crime boss child. Hopefully he wouldn't ask her if she even went to school. For the record, she did. 

 

Butcher. 

 

"Uh. You know, the flowers are called Vakarian flowers?" He tried again. It worked. 

 

"Your own family flowers?" Her fingers danced and skipped up his thigh.

 

"Heh. No. That's just what Vakarian means. It's a flower. That looks like human ears." He was touching her earlobe now, fascinated with how loose it was. No bones, no reinforcement. 

 

Shepard smiled. "Shepard means protector."

 

Garrus pulled back and looked at her. He was skeptical. "...really? A little on the nose, honey."

 

Honey? Shepard was about to burst. "Look it up," she murmured as her fingers found his cock, already erect again. Naughty. 

 

Garrus was about to say something, but he changed his mind. He grabbed her wrist and pulled it up, her body taut. 

 

"Ahem, I was playing with that," Shepard rotated her wrist in his grip, her fingers flailing to grab something.

 

"This?"

 

Yes.

 

"But do we have time for another round?" She said with faux concern. 

 

"Yes," Garrus flipped her on her back and took her other wrist to pin her down and watched carefully. He was testing her, looking for her boundaries, not knowing he was getting further and further from them. The Salarian was gone.

 

"And will this leave us enough energy to take down the Collectors?" She continued pretending to think they couldn't go again. 

 

Garrus paused. "Hmm," he was really thinking about this. That wasn't the plan. She was just teasing.

 

"Yes," she said, agitated at the delay. He might have her arms, but she still had her legs and her excellent aim. 

 

She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him in. 

 

This was a memory to treasure. She wouldn't forget this. Never. 

Chapter 15: Sakura

Saren threw Shepard and she fell with the broken glass and tree pieces onto the sand. 

 

"Make sure she's dead."

 

Crap. 

 

Shepard ran. The sand was slippery, covered in fresh pink petals that darkened as she stepped on them.

 

Then, a shadow. Something huge was falling to her, so big, it was dark like she had closed her eyes. 

 

The fucking Fifth Fleet dropped a fucking Reaper onto her. This must be what a little bug sees before it's stepped on. Just a dark shadow and no options. She tried to jump, but her foot slipped on the blossoms, slimy from being trampled. The ground gave in to her weight because the sand was so loose. 

 

 Shepard fell forward, her arms out, ready to die, ready for her last words to be "fu-"

 

"I have you," a calm gentle voice said, accompanying the very strong grip around her wrists. Shepard opened her eyes and Samara dragged her into safety. 

 

Shepard felt where Sovereign smashed into her thigh. If she hadn’t been fast enough…

 

Wait. Not that. This. 

 

Slow inhale. Right. The Normandy. This Normandy. That's where she is. “Everyone?” she asked. 

 

“We all made it,” someone said. EDI? Shepard smiled. Those speakers finally got fixed. 

 

Shepard lay down behind Joker's chair and chuckled, "Suicide mission my ass."

 

In a perfect world, she wouldn't be able to move. She'd be too weak to do anything but lie. Unfortunately, she could get up if she had to. Shepard can always get up again. 

 

---

 

Shepard stretched her toes languidly as Garrus adjusted the sheets and pillows around them.

 

"How's this?" He asked seriously, running his hands up and down her to make sure her skin wasn't caught or pinched anywhere. 

 

"S'fine," Shepard murmured against him. The man took after sex snuggling way too seriously. Although this was damn cozy.

 

"So what now?" Garrus had taken to her bed like it was his natural habitat. He was there holding her, as comfortable as if he were part of the bedding.

 

"I need a break. And lube if you want to go again," Shepard kissed his neck. 

 

"I meant Samara?" Garrus asked as if that were obvious. 

 

"Samara." Death. Motherhood. Daughters. The code. Kill. Empty.

 

"I'm sorry. I know what you wanted, and I didn't-"

 

"Stop," Shepard kissed him to make sure he extra stopped talking. "It's okay. I promise."

 

Samara survived the Collectors and quietly left without a single shot. They would never see her again. There was no threat after all. Just empty threats.

 

---

 

Shepard was cleaning her gun at Garrus's work station, bent over and wiggling her hips for him, her energy focused on the latter task. 

 

The Normandy was almost empty now. She'd need to rebuild a team for the next part of the war. Maybe she could get a fleet… of course Garrus would get a ship then and he wouldn't be around as much. But that's what vid call sex was for. 

 

A mischievous talon passed her and approached the barrel. He finally noticed. 

 

"Did I say you could touch my gun?" 

 

"Yes," Garrus said happily. 

 

"No," Shepard pretended to pout as she pushed the sniper away. Garrus easily reached to put a hand around the M-98 widow.

 

"Scandal," she giggled, "Insubordinationnnmph."

 

Garrus flipped her to face him and he nipped against her lower lip and held her, a hand between her shoulder blades. It felt like he was holding all of her everywhere at once. She gripped his arms, matching his muscle movements to what he was doing. His muscles and bones were in different places and in different shapes from what she was used to. She needed to learn.

 

He leaned in closer and grabbed the sniper rifle behind her. "Wow," he pulled away. "That really is heavy."

 

Okay. He was begging for a punishment. 

 

"Shepard, is this a good time?" Miranda asked over comms.

 

"Yes," Shepard smiled. Show him for touching her gun. "I'll be there in a moment."

 

Garrus followed her to Miranda's office. He'd been sitting in on their meetings a lot. Miranda would kick him out if needed.

 

"We need to know what to do with the Alliance," Miranda greeted when they entered. 

 

"The Alliance?" Garrus hadn't heard. Miranda shot Shepard a look. Garrus really should have heard. 

 

Shepard looked at the short loose threads where Lawson's Cerberus insignia used to be. "I think the Alliance is expecting me. For 'war crimes.'" She gave little air quotes and Garrus smiled. 

 

"The Alliance is expecting you to turn yourself in. For war crimes," Miranda corrected definitively. "Aratoht," she said to Garrus.

 

"Huh " he sat back thoughtfully. "I can see how that could be called a war crime."

 

"It's not. I saved the Batarians," Shepard tried to clip the defensiveness in her tone. These were not the people who needed that. 

 

"What you did is besides the point. The Hegemony has wanted an excuse to declare war on the Alliance and now they have one. You."

 

Garrus nodded at Miranda's words. "So if you turn yourself in, the Alliance can say they've detained the war criminal. Keep the Hegemony appeased... "

 

This wasn't happening. Shepard wanted to run. 

 

"Why should I turn myself in?" Shepard spat. Turns out she did need to defend herself to them.

 

"I'm thinking of it like this. If I were advising the Reapers," Garrus said carefully, "I'd definitely tell them to get an Alliance-Hegemony war started before the invasion. The galaxy couldn't be in a worse state to fight back."

 

Garrus Vakarian, expert Reaper advisor.

 

"What about the Asari and the Hierarchy? That would be worse," Shepard tried. 

 

"That would not happen. Haven't you read the Council species agreement? Article 3?"

 

Yes, actually. 

 

"We need to prevent this war," Miranda interrupted. "How?"

 

Shepard closed her eyes. The beacon showed Protheans dying in agony. They looked like Collectors. One day, someone might have visions of her and think Commander Shepard looked like a Husk.

 

Get the job done. No matter the cost. Fuck.

 

Chapter 16: Only a Mother

"Commander, were you expecting someone? An Asari?" Vega asked, unsure. 

 

Shepard wasn't expecting anyone except whoever she saw in her nightmares, which had been going back before Torfan, before Kyle, before the Alliance, before…. Well, to where she didn't want to see. To be.

 

"No," Shepard said as she sat up. If she was expecting anyone, Vega would know before her. All she's been doing was sitting and sleeping. Which wasn't as restful as it sounded.

 

"Said she's here to kill you?" He continued. 

 

"Oh. Must be Samara," Shepard scratched her scalp to wake up. 

 

"Must it?" Samara entered with a bit of curiosity. Just a bit. 

 

"Okay then. I'll just leave you two to it," James put his hands up and backed out.

 

He was supposed to be her bodyguard. To guard her body from this specific scenario. "Asshole!" Shepard called. Vega grinned and shrugged.

 

"Shepard," Samara gently said and nudged her with a pistol, walking her somewhere. 

 

"Here?" Shepard asked as they approached Morinth's couch. 

 

Samara nodded in approval. It was she who brought the couch anyway, the last place her daughter ever smiled. How else would it have gotten here?

 

Shepard curled in, resting against the armrest under a heavy and smoothed blanket. Cozy. What should she say? 

 

I'm ready. 

 

"Are you alright?" Samara asked with what sounded like genuine concern. 

 

Does it matter? 

 

"No," Shepard sighed. It was stupid, but why not let it out? "There are kids here. They just run around playing," she said bitterly. "Even if my parents came back from Shanxi, I wouldn't have been able to run around Alliance HQ."

 

Except that wasn't what she wanted to get out before she died. It was close, but she was missing something. 

 

"Children play."

 

Shepard tried to cry. "I didn't." Or maybe trying not to. 

 

"I know," Samara said and she sat so Shepard's head could have a lap. They watched the nothingness of space through the window. A boy ran around playing with his toys. The boy that was always there when Shepard looked outside. He must be someone's kid. Someone high up that is. 

 

"You don't know they never came back from Shanxi," Samara said, putting her gun together. "The only thing you know is that they didn't come back for you."

 

"No, the Alliance sent them both off. They weren't supposed to do that. They left me with my aunt. She was only sixteen. They didn't come back from Shanxi. They couldn't have survived…"

 

Shepard was tired and Samara wasn't even listening. So tired and draining fast. Reave? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. (Garrus was out there.)

 

This was her reward for letting Samara live. A peaceful death. Samara would have killed her as if Shepard was one of her daughters. A face a mother can shoot.

 

"Commander!" Vega entered. Was he here to do his job and protect her from Samara (like he should have done from the start)? Vega saluted. It was nice, but she wasn't an officer anymore.

 

Shepard stood up. A quick glance showed that if Samara was ever there, she left. 

 

Chapter 17: Life on Mars

 

You can't save me. 

 

What must Shepard look like for a child to retreat to the Reapers instead of taking her hand?

 

---

 

Among other things, other people, Shepard thought about Kaidan a lot over the six months she sat at the top of the Alliance's to-do list. 

 

(Issue One. Standing item. The fuck do we do about Shepard? Postpone. Action Item - figure out something to do about Shepard.)

 

She remembered imagining him. All the times she slowed her pace as she approached him in the mess, just to savor watching him. He was so… so Kaidan. His name would become a word because there was nothing else. 

 

She imagined a bit of softness, some give. Something to hold onto before his muscles. He'd smell warm and his skin would be smooth. She wanted to touch him so badly…

 

Then something. Geth, a bomb. The bomb needed to go off, right? Everything else was secondary. Go to Williams, make sure the bomb goes off. Or? 

 

And Kaidan said something else, didn't he? On Virmire, she could almost hear him. He sounded like he was under water through her comms… 

 

"Is this what they did to you?" Kaidan's voice came through, disgusted and weary and confused.

 

The dead husked Cerberus soldier looked at them, wires coming loose as the storm picked up.

 

Shepard scoffed. She had no idea. Just like with the last question he asked her about Cerberus. And the one before that. What the hell did he want from her? Should she take off her crown and show him the Cerberus logo on her brain? Or lack thereof.

 

"Let's move," Shepard replied, looking right into Kaidan's eyes. He glared back. Fuck if he outranked her, he'd do what she said. 

 

Maybe her scars hadn't been growing because of stress. Maybe they were getting worse because this was happening under her skin. Thank god she fixed her scars.

 

The corpse smiled at her.

 

---

 

It happened again. As Shepard took off her sand dusted armor, sand dusted all over her. 

 

She couldn't save Kaidan again. 

 

Liara fussed over him in the med bay. Sometimes Kaidan was alive and breathing, sometimes he wasn't. 

 

"-stening to me?" Liara's face was very close. 

 

Shepard stepped back. "You're in my space, T'Soni." 

 

Liara responded by grabbing Shepard's shoulder and stepping back in. (Seriously?) "...worried… know you care… Citadel…"

 

"You're. In. My. Space." Shepard practically spat and raised her arms threateningly. If Liara responded from the other side of the medbay, Shepard didn't hear it. 

 

This wasn't how Shepard expected to get back on the Normandy, pushed onto her ship as the Reapers attacked with her dog tags thrown in after her.  

 

Although if that isn't what she expected, she must have thought she'd never come back.

 

---

 

"Watch it," Shepard snapped. Some kid ran right into her, full speed. The little Turian said something unintelligible and ran off. 

 

"I'm sorry ma'am, he's - Commander Shepard?" 

 

Shepard nodded. She was Commander Shepard. "It's fine, officer," she told the parent, some beat cop. Was little Garrus allowed to run around C-Sec with his toys? Probably not.

 

Oh. Oh crap. 

 

That boy. That's how she knew the kid who played outside her room for six months. The one who ran from her. He was at the Torfan memorial. He stared at her.

 

That was eight years ago.

 

"Shepard? Were you waiting?" Udina asked, almost gently when he saw her resting against the wall across from his officr door.

 

"Of course not." She followed him into his office where he stood next to a very familiar face. The face shot death and despair right through her neck, barely missing the soft dip at her throat.

 

"You knew him?" Shepard tapped the photo. Udina came close to see what she was talking about.  

 

"Kyle, yes. Major Kyle," he amended. "Your commanding officer on Torfan," he added, like Shepard didn't know that. "He was a friend. I owe him quite a lot."

 

So did I.

 

"A pity what happened," Udina looked at her. He knew Shepard killed Kyle (an ancient human trick to get out of debt). 

 

"But about support for Earth…"

 

---

 

There were times Shepard wanted to watch Earth burn. When it did, she ran off. She got a superior officer beaten into a coma and let another officer use a shuttle to play suicide…

 

Whatever lives her team had wasn't because of her. But they had them. 

 

Kaidan was gorgeous. Also half naked and half wearing a sheet. 

 

"First, sorry I snapped at you," Shepard lied. She wouldn't even be sorry if she punched his beautiful face. He was goading her on Mars. "But I meant it when I said no." This was honest and true. "The woman you loved isn't in me anymore. I'm not sure she and I were ever connected to be honest. Not this me. Kaidan…"

 

"Don't you Kaidan me," he snapped back, a finger in her face. 

 

Then she wouldn't.

 

"Get up, Major," Shepard said as she pushed herself up and away from his bed. "There's a lot of work to do."

 

Kaidan was probably a neck kisser. She remembered thinking that before they both died.

 

---

 

Much later, in private, Shepard examined her face. The scars were still there, invisible under her skin, still cracking and branching. She didn't feel anything when she pressed. So she pressed harder. Something was under there, trying to break open the scars and get out. She just had to find it.

 

Chapter 18: Shepard's war assets of varying tolerability

The Normandy jerked around in rhythm to the power going on and off. Shepard put out her hand to grab something and steady herself. 

 

Smoke. A fire extinguisher. 

 

"Shepard!" no one cried to her. 

 

A mech approached. Shepard felt ill. This was just like. Like. Like when she woke up… when.

 

"Shepard," Kaidan's killer greeted smoothly with EDI's voice. 

 

Everything fell into safety with a painful thud. There was no crash. No Collectors or Wilsons. No Lazarus Station was even left to still be destroyed. 

 

Her ship just entered the body of a killer robot and it messed up the power. Annoying, but nothing to worry about.

 

"Next time you do something like this, give us a warning," Shepard told EDI. 

 

"Commander?" Engineer Adams asked. Shepard was sneering at his fire extinguisher. She wanted it gone.

 

"Nothing," Shepard said. 

 

(Kaidan was alive.)

 

---

 

"It wasn't me," Garrus said. 

 

"What wasn't?" Shepard smiled. It was good to look at him grumbling and putting things back the way they were in the main battery. It meant he still saw the space as his. And since it was all her ship, the space was theirs.

 

Garrus turned to her, wiping his hands on some rag. "Whatever was just going on with the power just now. I was only -"

 

"Relax," Shepard wanted to raise a hand to feel his scars. They looked drier than last time. More set. "It was EDI." 

 

"Oh. Oooh," he smiled the smile of learning that someone who never messed up, messed up. 

 

Garrus looked down at her affectionately. Then he looked away, nervously. "Well, I'll admit then I did plug some things in … but I was pretty sure they wouldn't take out the lights. For that long."

 

"I'm sure that didn't help." Shepard should have frowned. He was back on her ship for barely an hour and already doing dangerous experiments with the same electricity that kept them breathing. Instead she smiled a lazy smile. Something in her chest loosened and relaxed. Just something about him.

 

"That's a relief to know I had nothing -"

 

"Very little," Shepard corrected.

 

"- to do with what just happened," Garrus finished. 

 

"Sure."

 

"Hmm," he looked away, having moved onto some other thought. "So, is this the part where we shake hands?" 

 

They already did that. Did he want to do it again? Shepard started to put her hand out before realizing he had more to say. Or more accurately, rambling about. As much as she liked his voice and his stream of consciousness, she could listen another time. Even when the topic was them sleeping together. 

 

"I love you," she said. He was her sanity. Maybe he didn't hear. Maybe she didn't say. No one ever said it was a good idea to keep your sanity in another person.

 

Shepard jumped on him, clinging tight. She would go back to drowning soon. Kaidan. Virmire. Wrex. Ashley. Sovereign. That stupid little boy. But there was air at Garrus's neck and she could breathe with him. 

 

He heard one of those things. 

 

"Ah," he held her back, tentatively cupping the back of her head. "Good thing I braced myself in time for the tackle," he half joked. As if she'd let herself fall on someone who couldn't support her. 

 

As if there was any doubt. 

 

---

 

"Shepard," Wrex greeted from his work station. No animosity because she shot him on Virmire. No excitement like he gave her when they went to Tuchanka. No fucking bangs. Nothing. Have they even met yet?

 

"Wrex." She tried to walk past him quickly, but he sighed low and long. It was a request for her to stay. "Yes, Wrex?"

 

"I gotta tell you, Shepard," he turned to her. "This stuff with the females. The Genophage. It's exhausting."

 

"No shit," she snapped. He was holding the galaxy hostage for imaginary children. 

 

"Hah!"

 

Shepard frowned. This was going to be a pyrrhic victory or annihilation and it was all resting on Wrex's baby fever. Nothing to laugh over.

 

"Here's the thing," he started and took out a flask. She grabbed it. Wrex gave her a look, but didn't do anything. "For a long time, everything was the same. Credits for shooting, credits for looking tough, credits for whatever. For hundreds of years, I only did one thing."

 

"Woww," Shepard drawled out, "a mercenary does mercenary work." She finally found an angle where the booze would come out of the damn flask. Ice brandy? A nice surprise. "You don't drink ryncol?" Shepard wondered. 

 

Wrex grabbed his flask back. "Of course I do. But my point. When I met you, everything changed. I stopped going in circles." He stopped speaking like something sharp cut him off. 

 

The air was tight. 

 

Shepard wasn't safe. This wasn't safe. "That's - that's the point?" She asked and prayed she didn't sound scared.

 

"The point is, on Virmire I learned payment up front. The Krogan won't save the galaxy and get paid in extinction. Not again."

 

Centuries of mercenary work and it took Virmire for Urdnot Wrex to learn not to work for back pay? Bullshit. 

 

"You aren't extinct," she corrected. 

 

Her feet touched nothing. The coolant for her cybernetics burst through into her blood.

 

"Don't push me just because I like you. What. is. Victus. up. to?" 

 

Oh. The bomb. It needed to go off. The Krogan were too dangerous…

 

"Keeping you from going extinct," she answered and walked away. Her lungs breathed nothing. She didn't hear anything, the blast was so loud. 

 

She leaned on the screen that gave her updates on the Crucible. It was why she was there. Numbers, words. Reading them again and again until they connect together and mean something. 

 

An incomplete lifetime ago, Shepard liked Wrex too. 

 

---

 

Rounds were done. Shepard had everything she needed. Joker, EDI, all the Turians, all the Krogan (pending), a team of geniuses building her a secret death weapon. Mordin was singing and Garrus was tinkering. She saw a path to victory, a narrow path, but it was there and she was on it. 

 

Her eyes were dry with sleep deprivation, lids trying to close. There wouldn't be a better time to rest. 

 

Shepard's bed was like a Reaper. Soft. Comforting. She took off her clothes and cuddled under a sheet. Tentacles wrapping around her, holding her close to Sovereign's underside…

 

"Dalatrass?"

 

"I won't repeat myself, Commander," the Salarian holo in front of her stated.

 

Shepard looked down. She was wearing her dress blues. She was standing. Dizziness zapped through her when she moved her head. 

 

Shepard looked at the Salarian and didn't say anything. The silence would prompt the woman to keep on talking. 

 

"Think about what I said," the Dalatrass continued. Silence works. "The galaxy needs the Genophage. And we have plenty of information showing what I can offer your war is worth much more than Krogan grunts."

 

Grunt.

 

"I suppose the Krogan are just as small as the Volus when they're up against something the size of a Reaper," Shepard tested a thought out loud. 

 

The Dalatrass nodded and smiled. 

 

"I'll be in touch," Shepard turned off the comms. It was cold. She felt the cold all through her marrow.

Chapter 19: Sensual Starvation

The Crucible was the real answer to the Reapers. The only one. Until it was ready, everything else, including throwing the Krogan into the fight, was just killing time. 

 

If all the galaxy's hope was in the Crucible, she needed the Salarians. Who ever heard of a Krogan scientist?

 

Although really there shouldn't be a choice. Shepard should be given everything she needs. The Salarians and the Krogan and the Asari…

 

Speaking of. She saw Samara was up ahead. 

 

"Hey, Shepard," the woman Samara was talking to grinned. Ashley?

 

That meant this was a dream.

 

"You're dead," Shepard declared, watching Samara walk off with the little boy. Crap. That can't be safe for him.

 

No. Not crap. This is fine. Just a dream. 

 

Williams shrugged. "You heard about that. huh."

 

Not a dream. It was just like one, but this's reality. Torfan had cleared out. Williams handed Shepard a datapad. "From Major Kyle."

 

Protect my children.

 

Shepard started walking. She needed to find that boy. Get him away … from Samara before…

 

She woke up. 

 

"I should get going," Garrus nuzzled behind her. A pillow lay between her head and his arm.

 

Shepard cozied herself deeper into the Garrus nest, heavy with regret. She slept through their precious time together. 

 

She wouldn't ask him to stay. In fact, she should probably order him out to do whatever he was leaving to do. Calibrate or advise, probably. 

 

Shepard pulled his arm around her like a scarf, she examined his hand. "I love you," He never heard her say it, but she wouldn't stop. She needed something that was just hers. He twitched.

 

"You know, I think for my next job, I think I should go for trophy husband."

 

"Well, you've been good at every job I've given you," Shepard said carefully… wait. Not that carefully. "Sex isn't a job. I meant good at everything else that isn't sex." 

 

"Shepard," Garrus started playfully, "are you saying I'm bad in bed?"

 

"Hmm. Bad in bed…" she played back. "I never thought about it like that. But I'll go over my notes and get back to you."

 

"In the meantime I'll send you my application for the trophy husband position," Garrus said sardonically, trying to be light. 

 

"I'm fighting an entire war. I don't have time to read applications. Give me a summary."

 

"Now? Sure. Besides continuing to be good in bed,  I'll keep house, take care of the kids-"

 

"Kids?" 

 

Kids. Ashley Williams is somewhere that isn't  here, herding the dead children of Torfan, including the little boy who is trying to make her insane. Here the entire galaxy is being held hostage for them. 

 

"Yeah," Garrus said. "Imagine me, but with lips and hair coming out from under my fringe."

 

Shepard looked at him, visualizing this monster. "Ugh."

 

"Exactly. But we'll love them no matter how they turn out."

 

Shepard scoffed. This has gone on enough. "Seriously, Garrus? I know we're kidding around, but even in a fantasy no one in their right mind would even let me hold a child. I'd be a horrible mother." 

 

She would leave her children in random homes and apartments. She would kill them for being the monsters she made. Children needed to be protected from Shepard. Krogan children, human children, Batarian children, Turian children with human pieces grafted to their head…

 

"Huh," Garrus said thoughtfully after a pause. "Yeah. Yeah, I can see that." He tightened away from her. She felt the cold gap behind her back. 

 

She felt him look at her nakedly. She felt him finally seeing her. 

 

Finally. 

 

Garrus finally saw her for who she was. No brilliant hero who rose out of the slums with nothing but wit and a damn good aim. No flawless leader, the only one who can save the galaxy.  He saw Janey Shepard. Cruel, too weak to know when to stop. Disposable. A novelty that people watch, given more and more impossible assignments because something has to kill her and keep her dead. 

 

Shepard held herself tight and still as he put on his armor and left her cabin. 

 

"What the hell!" Shepard threw the pillow so hard it burst open, overly recycled omnigel spattered around in cold wet gops.

 

---

 

Shepard sniped the Cerberus soldiers as they jumped out of their shuttle. It was the reasonable thing to do. 

 

But God did she want one to get close enough to pummel. Knock their helmet off with her rifle and kick. Kick. Kick -

 

Shepard almost fell, her kick knocking off her balance and she stomped to stay upright. Ow.

 

"Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas watched with a bit of concern. It was strange seeing her in the mess. It was strange that Mordin Solus was running the medbay. 

 

"Doctor," Shepard said calmly. "Whose job is it to clean up around here?"

 

"I'm not sure. I'll -"

 

"No, you won't. EDI? Get someone on this. It's unacceptable."

 

"Of course, Commander," EDI said from right behind her. Shepard might have jumped. 

 

"Are you sure you're alright, Commander?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

 

Shepard didn't look down to the main battery. Her ankle didn't hurt from putting her foot down hard and twisted. She knew EDI's mobile platform was right there.

 

"Absolutely."

 

That goddamn bomb on Tuchanka. It hurt her ankle. 

 

---

 

"I'm getting really sick of this delay. Fuck the cure. We need an army now." 

 

"No. Delaying the cure would be enforcing the genophage. It would be practically wiping out a species," Victus said exhausted and firm. "I won't do it."

 

Shepard opened her mouth, but realized she was giving herself away. She would be betraying the Dalatrass and the sabotage. "Wiping out species works for the Reapers," Shepard betrayed herself. "Who am I to argue with their methods of success?" She muttered. 

 

Victus chuckled. "You're Commander Shepard," he answered. "And just yesterday you saved the Rachni. As a species."

 

Oh yeah. 

 

"Babies," Garrus said dryly as he entered the war room with Wrex. 

 

"Babies, babies. Babies?" Wrex laughed.

 

"Babies. Babies babies," Garrus couldn't hold back a laugh.

 

Wait. Hold on. Shepard turned off her translator. Count to 10. Turn it back on. Try again.

 

Static. Just static.

 

She didn't even know translators could get that broken. 

 

Shd looked to Victus who was listening to the conversation intently.

 

"-shhhr-" something trying to say her name came out of the static.

 

Shepard looked up to see Wrex and Garrus watching her, waiting for something. 

 

"B'shhhr." It was Wrex. 

 

"My translator," Shepard said, hoping they could hear her.

 

"Butcher," Wrex said clearly this time.

 

"Of course, Commander," Garrus said.

 

---

 

In the dark, with nothing but your heartbeats…

 

Shepard lied. 

 

To Wrex, to the Primarch, to Garrus fucking Vakarian, love of her life. Garrus at least deserved better - which he seems to have figured out. He hasn't touched her. Their relationship went back to how it never was. 

 

Her hand was cold and dusty where Wrex had taken it. Anathematized it. Urdnot Wrex called her his sister in the place where he killed his father, near where his brother would die. Shepard was given the family curse. 

 

Fuck. 

 

"Mordin!" Shepard ran after him. 

 

Option one: sabotage the genophage. The worst thing that would happen is status quo. The one where the Krogan are the toughest, scariest warriors in the galaxy. And STG would help the Crucible as the Krogan died on Palaven. 

 

A good lie, a good cause. No one would know.

 

"Mordin, stop!" Shepard called again, a pistol pointed at him. Mordin was going to cure the genophage. And destroy the galaxy.

 

She needed the Crucible. She needed STG. 

 

BANG!

 

Shepard blinked at the sound of the tower dying. And by blinking, she gasped and jumped back.

 

Option two: Mordin was gone, taking option one with him. She let him go. Up in the elevator. Up. Up. Shepard looked up. She could see the air. Mordin is off to find the Gods now and see who was right.

 

That's it. 

 

Wrex joined her in looking at the sky. 

 

Suddenly, Shepard remembered that Miranda wouldn't come back. It felt like a wound. Lawson abandoned her project, her product, for someone she really loved. 

 

"There better be a lot of Krogan named Shepard," she said. She should think about the problem in front of her.

 

"There's going to be a lot of Krogan," Wrex agreed. And none of them would help build the Crucible. 

 

Oh well.

Chapter 20: Damn it, Kaidan

"Dammit, Kaidan..." Shepard felt the area between her nose and eyes tickle and burn. 

 

Everything was going wrong. 

 

Mordin Solus was dead. Shepard wouldn't find another one like him. A uniquely and extremely annoying man, but without him the war would be much longer. Or shorter. 

 

Kaidan Alenko was aiming a gun at her. Right at her heart. 

 

The Dalatrass would figure out Shepard lied.

 

"Help me out here, Shepard," he said calmly, giving her a view down the barrel of his dark gun. "I mean…"

 

He means she just went through a massacre on the Citadel to point a gun at the Council.

 

No more Thane.

 

"Fucking damn it Kaidan!" Her voice almost broke. Almost. Why couldn't she get a fucking break?

 

BANG!

 

All of a sudden the fresh little crater in front of Kaidan's foot was the entire universe. 

 

"Kaidan," Garrus said as he purposefully reloaded his rifle, "think about this. Please. You have time to think about this." There was still a shot in there, he didn't need to reload. He was just making a point. 

 

A huge and unbearable amount of pressure, a palpable pressure, was coming from Garrus behind her. 

 

Alenko lowered the gun. 

 

So did Shepard. 

 

It wasn't dizziness. It was fog. It was exhaustion. The ropes of her brain were tired and loosening. 

 

I should count to 10.

---

 

Kaidan was at docking Bay D24.

 

"Major," she greeted. Might as well get this over with. She was on a roll. Mordin, the coup, Thane, now Kaidan. Goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye.

 

"Can we?" He gestured to a corner. There was a seat. Good. She'd sit and someone else could move her to the next spot. She was like a chess piece. An exhausted chess piece that still kills whoever is stupid enough to stand there when Commander Shepard is being moved towards them.

 

He sat next to her. "Shepard. I guess I just wanted to clear some air."

 

What a banal thing to say. But what else could be said? She could say, "I just came back from seeing Thane Krios."

 

"Is he?"

 

Shepard nodded. "It was peaceful."

 

And Kaidan said meaningless things? Pot, kettle.

 

"I didn't even like him," she admitted. 

 

"You don't like anyone," he teased. They both knew it wasn't quite true. "But I do. I mean, I did. I liked Thane."

 

"Didn't know you got to know him."

 

He cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "Some would be surprised the hospital has so few handsome biotics who followed Shepard to certain death and came out alive. We have to support each other."

 

"Handsome?" Shepard smiled. "You like 'em green?"

 

"He said it," Kaidan quickly amended. "It's what he said to me."

 

"Uh huh," she said skeptically, even though she believed it. Shepard could hear Thane saying it in Thane's voice. Not whatever voice Kaidan was attempting. 

 

"I'm sorry, Shepard."

 

"For what." It wasn't a question.

 

Kaidan sighed. "Of course you're going to be like this," he mumbled just loud enough to be heard. 

 

Shepard looked at him sharply, but would wait. He earned that. 

 

"Well, everything," his voice high in agitation. He didn't look at her, she wouldn't look at him. 

 

He held his hand out. Should she take it? 

 

Oh. He was offering her a flask. Yes, she'd take it.

 

"I'm sorry about what I said… about you know. Garrus. And everything about you… your, uh, coma. And the time before and after it. I couldn't handle that we never had... I don't know. I lost you."

 

You sure did.

 

"I think I followed enough of that," Shepard said to herself so that he could hear. To Kaidan she said, "You know I died right? I was dead before I was in a coma."

 

Now he looked at her. His eyes were hot. Well, they were brown. Warm. Like a blanket, like a burn on an itch. Like Garrus behind her playing with her hair and talking about nonsense. 

 

"I need to tell you something," she blurted, nearly unaware of the words coming. No. Nonono. What was she saying?

 

Kaidan waited. 

 

"About the night before Ilos," her mouth continued to splurt out words no one was ever supposed to hear. "I don't."

 

"You don't… ?" He smiled almost. Laughing at the absurdity of everything. That they needed to have prepared notes, of all people. And that they didn't.

 

"I don't remember the night before Ilos… you asked once. I don't."

 

"You got that letter, huh," he replied after exactly 41 seconds. "I hoped you hadn't. Usually." 

 

Shepard squeezed her hair and her scalp burned just a little. You can't tell anyone," she barely had the control to say that. Hopefully she wasn't being recorded. 

 

Kaidan nodded. "I haven't. And there's nothing that would change that."

 

"You knew." He knew she forgot from the moment he saw her on Horizon. 

 

“Yeah.” Kaidan pet his fingers, trying to figure out how to explain. "Well. It's like this. Before you, ah… you know." (Shepard nodded. Died. Or maybe lived.) "Right," Kaidan said. "So before, I had a girlfriend." He smiled at the word. "I really loved her. And she loved me."

 

Shepard felt pain. At least Kaidan did too.

 

"And when I saw you on Horizon," Kaidan sighed.

 

Fuck. "I wasn't her," Shepard whispered. She wasn't Commander Shepard. 

 

"No," Kaidan interrupted. "It was you… I'm talking about you by the way," he chuckled. "You're the girlfriend."

 

That would have been nice. The dead Shepard would have wanted that. "Sure about that?"

 

"Yes," he took her hand and she glanced at his face. "I knew you, Shepard. I know you." He always did. "And I knew you didn't know me. Not like you did."

 

"I don't remember a lot of things from before I died. Or I remember it wrong," she really hoped she didn't say that. 

 

Kaidan nodded, as if he knew exactly what she did or didn't remember. Like the detective getting proof of what they already knew. 

 

"I mean I figured it out, what we did," she continued.

 

Kaidan's face was blank and exhausted, except for a slight brow raise. A question. What did they do?

 

"We fucked right?"

 

"Ha!" Kaidan snorted. 

 

Shepard scowled. She made herself all vulnerable only to be laughed at?

 

"No, no, Janey. Shepard," he quickly corrected. "Just that of course you'd call it that."

 

"And you wouldn't?"

 

Kaidan smirked and shook his head playfully. 

 

"Making love," she teased. 

 

"That's closer," he was suddenly almost somber again. 

 

No one knew what she told him. He could destroy her. He had the ear of people who could. Hackett. The Council. 

 

"Just tell me… is the woman I loved still in there, somewhere?" He asked on Mars.

 

"No," she spat at him. 

 

"Well, was it good?" she asked. "I mean, I was good, right?"

 

"I don't kiss and tell, Shepard.”

 

"But you kissed me so you could tell me."

 

Kaidan smiled as he rolled his eyes.

 

Another eternity of nothing passed. 

 

"There will always be a place for you on the Normandy. I could use someone with your biotics, skills, smarts… someone like you."

 

Kaidan smiled. It meant no. 

 

"Or at least the eye candy would be good for morale."

 

"Not sure Garrus would appreciate the competition."

 

"There's no competition," Shepard snapped defensively.

 

"Sorry," Kaidan smiled. He wasn't sorry. Fine then.

 

"What are you going to do now?" Shepard asked.

 

"Fight."

 

Of course.

 

"Maybe we'll fight on the same side again?"

 

"We always were Shepard. Just saw very different sides of the same… side."

 

"Facet?"

 

He smiled.

 

"Angle? Perspective?"

 

"I get it, Shepard."

 

"Interpretation?"

 

"Alright," he stood up and offered her a hand. 

 

"I'll probably see you again," Shepard said standing up. Her legs weren't throbbing anymore. 

 

"Probably."

 

Hope so.

 

He hugged her. She hugged him. 

 

"Green is nice," he said. And then he walked away and didn't even look back. 

 

Notes:

It was so hard to work out Kaidan surviving the coup. Yeesh.

Chapter 21: True Love

Shepard watched C-Sec searching Udina's office. They would have been more comfortable without her there, but tough. 

 

"Well, Shepard," Bailey approached, his Canadian accent thicker than ever. "We didn't find much. But we weren't expecting him to keep coup plans in his office, eh? We'll keep you posted?"

 

"You can do whatever you want, I don't care," Shepard answered. C-Sec didn't need to know why she was watching. She waited for them to leave before taking the picture of Major Kyle. Retrospectively, she could have just taken it. 

 

Shepard ripped Udina out so it was just Kyle. Everyone and every war has its traitors, like Javik said. Sometimes she couldn't remember what was so bad that Major Kyle did to her. He recommended her for N school. He sold her her first skycar. He gave her the most important job on Torfan. And she did it. Not a single slaver got away. 

 

He knew her as Shepard as she became Shepard.

 

Ah, right. That's what he did. 

 

I know you, butcher of Torfan.

 

Her omnitool buzzed. It was time to see Garrus. He wanted to talk. If only someone would order her not to fuck things up with Garrus. She should ask Anderson for the assignment. Operation don't lose Garrus. 

 

---

 

"I needed time to figure us out?" Shepard repeated. "You walked out of my bed and acted like nothing ever happened between us."

 

"I- I pushed you, Shepard. I crossed a line."

 

Huh. Yeah, Shepard could see that. He had been teasing, probably, but it wasn't funny. Or maybe he was just hurting himself and then he found out she was collateral. 

 

Shepard looked out. It really was a breathtaking view. Up here, they were like gods. 

 

Now, how does she say this? 

 

"You are the only thing that makes sense. What I know I feel for you might be the only thing that's even real to me," Shepard tried. 

 

"What does that mean?" Garrus asked, concerned.

 

She shouldn't be using words. Just hours ago she told the Dalatrass the genophage was cured. Now she was saying those same words to Garrus. Trust me, I trust you. I did what I do because of you. I need you. 

 

"It means…" so many ways to be honest. "I love you." Something she'd never say to the Dalatrass. 

 

That worked. 

 

Oh yes, did that work. 

 

"What are you doing?" Shepard watched him pulling out a sniper rifle she never saw before. 

 

"Shooting contest?" He asked, confused about her confusion. 

 

"The time comes in every date," Shepard agreed sarcastically. If he wanted her to beat and humiliate him, he just needed to ask. There was no need for this pretense. 

 

But maybe there was. He loved getting outshot. 

 

But something was bothering her. "I've told you that I love you before," Shepard frowned. He heard her at least once. He shouldn't have been so surprised. It was insulting. 

 

"Yeah, but that was when we had sex. Everyone knows humans just say that during sex and stuff like that."

 

"... like… that?"

 

"You know. Sex, favors, feedings."

 

Okay, she guess she did know. But he didn't need to make it sound so dirty. 

 

"Well, not this human. I mean... Uh," Shepard tried to argue. Fine. Maybe it was true, but she'd still never say it to the Dalatrass. 

 

"Give it up, Shepard. Don't act like I haven't heard you declare your love to anyone who brings you dessert."

 

Shepard watched his eyes for any bitterness or jealousy. There wasn't. She tried not to think of why not. "Well then," she walked ahead to the skycar, swaying her hips so much she was practically thrusting. "Come claim my declaration."

 

The true one.

 

---

 

"You know," Shepard kissed his mandible, "humans mate for life. You're stuck with me." She held the sheet they found tight against her chest. 

 

Garrus looked at her, looking for something. "No you don't. I would have heard about it. I did a lot of research. "

 

Shepard shrugged and smiled a deviously innocent smile. "I don't know what to say. Check your sources."

 

"Humans don't mate for life."

 

"Sorry."

 

"What if, I uh, killed your… " Garrus thought of all the things he could do to make her un-mate him, but said none of them. "Just admit it, Shepard. I know humans don't do that."

 

"You're not scared of being stuck with me, are you?" Shepard nuzzled his neck, feeling the pebbled texture of his little plates. She knew he wasn't. 

 

"Terrified," he said dryly.

 

---

 

"Don't tell me how to do my job. I do what it takes to stop the Reapers. You don't get to question my methods," Shepard seethed to the Council. 

 

It was a bitch of a way to find out the Council tracks their spectres interfering with C-Sec. Murder, jailbreaks, theft? It's written down, but no one cares. 

 

But "public indecency"? Somehow the Council thinks that's an abuse of power. She hung up on them. Assholes.

 

"It's fun being on this side of spectre power abuses," Garrus said from her bed behind her. 

 

Well, in that case… 

 

"We'll do it again," Shepard grinned. Anything for him. 

Chapter 22: Nazara

Hello Sovereign. 

 

Or Nazara, Legion said its name was. 

 

Shepard touched it, her hand skated around the Reaper like something was leading it. Up, right, twirls like she was drawing a tornado… it was so bright. 

 

Dr. Bryson's body and assistant had been removed and she had the lab all to herself. And vice versa. 

 

He had been here with Sovereign for years. They had been watching her. And then as soon as she looked back? The vanguard of her destruction, indeed. 

 

"Shepard," EDI walked in. Shepard jumped back from Sovereign.

 

Deep breath. EDI came to help. Find the clues to help them find the Leviathan. 

 

The Leviathan would be somewhere where there were Prothean activities. Rachni activities. Reaper activities. Eezo. Creature sightings. Blackout crimes. 

 

"Blackout crimes. Like Bryson's killer." Shepard looked at her fist, imagining it covered in blood, imagining she blinked and beat someone to death in that moment, not knowing she did anything but blink. Just keeping her eyes clean and moist. Surprise!

 

"No blackout crimes," EDI threw that issue away. It wouldn't help them find the Leviathan. 

 

Any moment, EDI would realize all the clues pointed to the Normandy. To herself. To Shepard. 

 

Prothean activities? From the beginning. 

 

Rachni activities? Twice.

 

Reaper activities? Ha!

 

Eezo? Have you seen the energy core of her ship? 

 

Creature sightings? Yes, see Prothean activities. 

 

 Blackout crimes?

 

Shepard blinked and looked at her hands. They were clean. 

 

No blackout crimes. 

 

Shepard watched EDI's hands working. The hands that strangled Kaidan. Wrists tightened, kill. No thoughts, no emotions, just kill. 

 

She fell back from the unmistakable feeling of getting punched in the eye. "What the fuck Vakarian!" Shepard held her eye.

 

"What the fuck? What the fuck do you think?" Garrus asked incredulously, slowly lowering his fist, calming at the sight of her getting pissed. Which was counterintuitive. "You were trying to kill me!" There were hand prints around his neck. He was naked. She was naked - no.  No blinking. 

 

"I don't know -" Shepard curled into herself on the floor. It was cold. Don't blink.

 

"It's, it's just a nightmare, Shepard," Garrus said, realizing he needed to be needed. He was on the ground with her. 

 

"A nightmare."

 

"There are things you can take to stop them," he reminded her softly.

 

"We were sleeping." 

 

"We needed to, after all that sleeping we did," Garrus winked and Shepard chuckled. Of course. He was being fun. Fake it till you make it. 

 

She felt him watching her hands. It was a defensive watch.

 

"Oh my fuck," Shepard realized. She could have killed Garrus. "Are you okay?" She reached for him to assess the damage. 

 

Go back. Garrus knocked you onto the floor. Before that, nightmare? Maybe. Before that, sex. The Leviathan. Bryson. Skycar. Docking Bay D24. Legion. The Quarians. 

 

"No," he answered and held her wrist before she could touch his neck again. Fair. 

 

Nazara was there every time she closed her eyes. There was a flash of it at every blink, getting closer every time.

 

Shepard couldn't breathe. Nothing could happen to Garrus. 

 

She's a marine. You can't join the navy if you can't hold your breath and swim under water.

 

This is a nightmare. Please let this part be the nightmare.

 

She couldn't hold her breath much longer.

Chapter 23: Hearsay (interlude)

Garrus?

 

"Shepard," he greeted, "how can I help you." A rhetorical question. He hadn't stayed in her bed since the nightmare. 

 

"I was looking for someone," she said. She must have been.

 

"What kind of someone?" He grinned. There was only one person she'd be looking for in the main battery.

 

"You know," Shepard leaned against the door and opened her legs a bit. They must be playing. "This kind," she writhed just enough to make a point.

 

"Ah," he turned to face her, his posture so professional it was silly. They were playing. "Can you describe the individual, ma'am?" 

 

"Well, he's this high," she held up hand so it would line up with the top of Garrus's head.

 

"No, no," he interrupted, pretending to take notes. "First, what species is he? I mean they?"

 

"Not sure, officer," she said. "I thought he was a Turian like you, but considering the way he acts, maybe a Krogan?"

 

"That's specist ma'am," he said dryly. "Any notable scars? Er, I mean colony markings? And also scars?"

 

"None," she smirked. 

 

Garrus looked at her, just a little annoyed. Or amused. "We'll keep an eye out, but honestly... don't get your hopes up. Even if we find him, guys like this are no good."

 

"Like this?"

 

"The kind that would let a beautiful woman like you alone," he walked up to hold her, pull her to him. 

 

"And you're suggesting yourself as an alternative?" Shepard giggled. She must have been looking for Garrus. 

 

"Let me give you a sample, and you can decide for yourself," Garrus pushed her back.against the door, dropped to his knees, and pulled one her legs over his shoulder. 

 

Oh. 

 

Shepard bit her lips in anticipation, trying to rein in her grin.

 

Everything was fine. 

 

Shepard was curled around Garrus and he around her. Something between being spooned and sitting in his lap. 

 

He was writing something on her shoulder, his fingers gliding and tapping something she couldn't read. 

 

The Normandy burned around them. Up above, she could see stars. She could see Reapers gliding around like butterflies, humming the galaxy to sleep. 

 

It didn't even matter how they got there or where they were going. Shepard turned in his arms. She was nice and sated and warm and she needed to mess it up. 

 

"I need to know something. Is there a plan for if I'm indoctrinated?" 

 

He stiffened. (No, not like that.)

 

"If," Garrus repeated bitterly as he hastily finished drawing his notes on her shoulder with his talon. She messed up his happy post-coital feelings too. 

 

"Yes," he said eventually. It would be him.

 

"Thanks," she smiled. She just needs to wait for Garrus now. He'll be merciful. She won't know, she won't feel a thing. The nice peaceful death she didn't deserve. Few did. 

 

Everything else she knew about the SR1 destruction was hearsay. She went to save Joker. He killed her. She floated down to Alchera like a leaf. She died. 

 

Hearsay. 

 

But she knew, somehow, that when the old ship was destroyed, it looked like what she was seeing.

 

Shepard could suddenly feel how much everything hurt. But it's okay, because you're in bed now and your body wouldn't let you feel pain if it wasn't safe to hurt. 

 

Something hard and cold pressed her jaw. She didn't notice his pistol. So this was the indoctrination plan. Not that it mat-

 

---

 

Getting shot in the head doesn't hurt at all. Just leaves you a little thirsty. 

 

Shepard woke up, shocked to do so at all. This wasn't the plan. For some reason. 

 

"Garrus?" She called nervously. Something went wrong. She examined her body, seeing nothing notable. No entry wounds. A bruise was forming inside her thighs where his hip spurs ground into her. At least that happened.

 

He was just downstairs working. "Not right now," he kissed her casually before turning back to his work station. 

 

Nothing was wrong. Wrong. 

 

… where were they going?

 

 

Chapter 24: Every Cloud and Sea You See With Your Eyes

All those ships. Shepard watched their husks shift in the sky to make a path for her to meet the Leviathan.

 

Every one looked exactly like the SR1 to her, so she didn't look, certain she'd see her tiny body flying from the Normandy, nothing in the chasm of dark nothingness - that bright white sky.

 

---

 

Luckily the water on Virmire was so clear that Shepard could look up and see everything. Or look down as it were. Down, deep in the black water… what was that? Garrus grabbed her arm and jerked her back. "Careful," he said. 

 

"I'm a marine. I can swim." Another glance showed whatever she was looking at had disappeared. 

 

"I'm a Turian. I can't," Garrus smiled, calmer as they moved to the center of their platform. She followed him to a pile that might have been a little station once. Datapads. A star chart. He picked up a pistol mod thoughtfully, moving it back and forth to test the balance. Then he measured it against his hand before deciding he liked it. He didn't even use pistols. 

 

There was a globe. Shepard walked towards it. Some part of her knew she needed to get away from it. But…

 

---

 

Brain activity! That's brain activity!

 

Act- activity? Confirm. 

 

Shepard is alive! Holy shit! Get Lawson!

 

Wait. No, wait! What is that? 

 

---

 

Shepard felt hot and grimy and gross. The air in her helmet was stale and smelled like morning breath. Because of the slipping and rocking, she used up more of herself to take every step and every shot. The water that she was fighting to stay out of (for some reason) was cool and clean and dammit when was the last time she even went for a swim? 

 

Marine means in the water. And Shepard was the best marine. 

 

She jumped. 

 

---

 

Shepard landed hard and wrong at the bottom of the ocean. It hurt. It was cold. It was waiting for her. It rose up or she fell down. 

 

"You have come far."

 

Fuck, it was so damn cold. 

 

"And I didn't come far for you to waste my time telling me what I already know," Shepard spat. "Now tell me where Saren's ship is. Where is Sovereign?"

 

Oops, wrong question. 

 

"I mean…" Shepard tried to find the words to ask… something. Leviathan? Kill? Cold? Tungsten? What are some of the many stupid uses for tungsten?

 

I need to talk to Lawson. Something is wrong with Shepard's brain. 

 

"What's wrong with my brain?" She turned to see who spoke, but no one was there. "Hey!" she called indignantly, walking through the dead Reaper. A broken machine running code to eat at the sentience of whoever wandered in. She shouldn't be there. 

 

"Miranda!" Shepard ran to a white catsuit. "You need to fix this." Finish your job and fix Shepard's brain. You owe it to everyone who died for Lazarus.

 

"Dr Chandana's team," Miranda turned to face Shepard, "they were indoctrinated."

 

"That's embarrassing for them," Shepard said. She would never let a Reaper - dead or alive - take her memories and spread them around until she even forgot who she was in love with.

 

Do you even remember the night before Ilos?

 

"But what about my brain?" Shepard asked, trying to figure out where she was. She was in a Reaper. There was a sniper somewhere, who might be on her side. She needed to go through the Omega 4 relay and butcher the meat. 

 

If she cared about Dr. Chandana's team, she wouldn't have killed their husks. 

 

This scan from Shepard's brain is consistent with indoctrination patterns as seen in the Asari we recovered from Peak 15. See here…

 

That voice again. Shepard followed it until the air turned fresh and then the sun was so bright she couldn't see anything. The ground was uneven and hard to walk on because it was sand. It was hot. She was hungry. Thirsty. Cranky. But the air was clean and delicious. 

 

BANG!

 

The sound cleared the light away so she could see the last person she wanted to see. Wrex. (She had genuinely liked him before the crap he pulled on Virmire.)

 

He tried to shoot the water again but the heat sink was at capacity. Beepbeepbeep.

 

So he aimed the shotgun at her. It would be cool by the time he shoots. Because Saren had a cure for the genophage. 

 

What happened to only caring about credits? He was only with her for a job, he said. He didn't care about the Krogan, he said.

 

The fucking liar. 

 

Shepard shot him. Just like Commander Shepard would have done. 

 

The way he fell over and didn't move…

 

That couldn't be a kill shot. He was a Krogan.

…

Well if that's all it took, he deserved to die. 

 

"You're indoctrinated," a man she had never seen before said. No, she had seen him. Wilson Something. Or Something Wilson. 

 

"Where's Lawson?" Shepard demanded. 

 

"It must have started on Virmire. Maybe even sooner. When did you first come across Sovereign?" He asked, ignoring her question.

 

Wrex huffed in response, face down in a puddle. "Indoctrination. Wish I could say that explained things, huh Shepard?" 

 

What needs to be explained? Wrex knew what kind of man Saren was. 

 

"What do you think Saren will do with the Krogan after this? Reward them?" Shepard reminded him what he knew. Saren was rotten. To the core. Could tell as soon as he met him.

 

I do see what you're talking about, Wilson, but I don't see how that's indoctrination. It's what I expected from a brain that was brought back to life. Not to mention Shepard isn't an Asari. Did you…

 

"And what does it matter if Sovereign indoctrinated me?" Shepard asked when Wrex didn't answer her other question. "Nazara is dead… see?" She pointed to where the piece that Joker dropped on her was… supposed to be. Damn. Time to find the Reaper. No, ship. Sovereign is a ship. 

 

Dizzy.

 

Her vision reddened inside a growing frame. The air was stale. It started to smell like bad breath. 

 

Wrex stood up. Shepard aimed her gun. Again. 

 

"No need Shepard," Wrex put his hands up. A wave of nothingness removed her from the situation, before shoving her back in. Reality didn't fit around her as comfortably as it did a moment before. 

 

"We're good?" She didn't know what was happening. 

 

"We're good," he said sadly. "Mind if I sit this one out? I may be a Krogan but a shot to the gut still hurts." He was bleeding.

 

"Walk it off. That was your last warning shot. Next time you die." Shepard closed her eyes. She was so dizzy. It was the stuffy air. So thick and unpleasant. 

 

"Let's go," she told her crew. But when she looked behind her, the one left was the little Torfan boy. Not much to work with. "Great," she muttered. She needed to order more crew again. 

 

---

 

A Geth clicked and chattered nearby. Shepard could not find it. There weren't any Geth on the radar, but that didn't mean anything. She was good at scrambling scanners and the Geth were better. Not by much, but still better. 

 

Shepard ignored her temples throbbing painfully. She was hungover. From something. Wine? Or something with Wrex -

 

BANG!

 

Whatever it was, it wasn't worth remembering. Not with how painful it was. 

 

"Keep an eye out for… you know," she told the kid as they entered the facilities. Keep an eye out for Geth, Krogan, Reapers, Saren, Shepard. The list is endless. 

 

At least the threat of Wrex was gone. It was pathetic that one shot could take him out. Some Krogan.

 

Shepard slowly entered this room. Her legs were too heavy to keep walking, especially in the rusty mech suit, but if Steve could get it running then she could run too. The suit was holding, but she was so aware of the pressure it was holding against. So deep in some ocean on some planet. It was a miracle the ocean hadn't crushed her. 

 

"You are not Saren," Sovereign said so blasé and casually that it couldn't be anything but an insult. Possibly the worst insult she'd ever received. 

 

"Neither are you," she retorted. 

 

Her scanner cleared. She saw where the Geth was. Quickly, Shepard twisted to shoot a hole in the thing before it realized she found it. 

…

Where was the little boy? He had been right behind her.

 

Coldness dripped down the inside shell of Shepard's chest. Did she…? 

 

"Where is he?" Shepard turned to the man who called her indoctrinated.

 

Even if she was indoctrinated by Sovereign, Sovereign is dead. And she isn't. 

 

You're blind, Miranda. You can't see what's right in front of you. 

 

I can see you just fine, Wilson.

 

Shepard fell to her hands and knees. Sovereign was ripping her mind apart. Filling it so full and fuzzy nothing else could fit. 

 

"You aren't Sovereign," Shepard realized. Sovereign was dead. 

 

Shepard was indoctrinated before she died. We're bringing back an indoctrinated killing machine. Project Lazarus must be stopped. 

 

Sovereign died years ago. The Reapers were here. They weren't ready.

 

"You are an anomaly."

 

"I'm amazing is what I am," Shepard growled. 

 

Something popped. 

 

The suit. 

 

The water would crush her. Hopefully Garrus wouldn't take it too bad. He deserved better than her anyway. 

 

The water came pouring in. 

 

"Oh well," Shepard sighed and looked at the Leviathan shrinking into nothing. She would have imagined she would be dead by now. But it makes sense that the last moments of life seem like they last long. When Major Kyle tortured her (training), she found a clock to watch. It was amazing how slow the seconds were. This was probably like that. Practically an instantaneous death and it was taking for-fucking-ever. 

 

She was being thrown. She was flying. Shepard looked down. She was alive and the water was coming out of her. The waters of Virmire poured out through her eyes, nose, mouth, pores. 

 

Shepard rolled to her side so wouldn't drown in her own coughs. She had thrown herself so many pity parties for surviving death. But not this time. This time she was going to kick Reaper ass, choke on Turian cock, take some sand to pretend to be biotic, then take a long ass nap. In that order. 

 

Garrus helped her sit up. Shepard coughed out the last of Virmire. It felt like a planet was coming out, but was just a fingernail sized glob of spit. 

 

"I'm fine," she promised Garrus, as memories rushed through her, breaking through haze, trampling over over faded paths and growing over the dead ends she had been running down. Lazarus. Ilos. Virmire. 

 

Fuck. 

 

"Never do that again," Garrus appeared very close to her. 

 

Again?

 

Shepard laughed and crashed her head against his shoulder. Ow. And then giggled some more.

 

No matter how bad things are, Garrus could always make her laugh. 

 

 

 

Chapter 25: Best Shot in the Galaxy (interlude)

"I'm fine," Shepard put her hand up in a signal to stop. It hadn't been so true in a lifetime.

 

Still, something like poison sloshed around inside of her. Maybe it was better on her back… no. But resting on her side wasn't better. They were both worse. 

 

No hangover has anything on getting unindoctrinated. She might as well have come back from the dead. 

 

Heh. 

 

"Shepard," Dr. Chakwas said sternly. A reminder of how close she was to declaring the Commander medically unfit. 

 

Shepard looked away and forcefully relaxed her muscles, fully compliant and ashamed. A little. It wasn't her fault. 

 

It was Sovereign's fault for indoctrinating her and then dying before he could finish the job. It was Miranda's for not fixing the mess Sovereign left of her brain.

 

"This should be the last one," Dr. Chakwas said, her omnitool humming. "Ready?"

 

"No," Shepard frowned. Since the Leviathan, Dr. Chakwas had been running painful scans that zapped every cybernetic in Shepard's body. No, not pain. Something worse. Nausea. 

 

"Are you as ready as you're going to be?" 

 

Shepard looked away and nodded. Then it hit. It started in her gut, but quickly filled every part of her. Her throat, her fingers. Nauseated, nauseous.

 

Garrus gently stroked her hair, scratching her scalp just perfectly. Shepard purred, figuratively. As a human, she could not actually purr. 

 

Then he found some muscle between her ear and temple. It should have felt amazing when he pressed on it, but instead he pressed more memories into place.

 

Kaidan.

 

The night before Ilos. The night after Ilos. The morning after that. Kaidan massaging her scalp, promising his parents would bake for her. But unlike Garrus, Kaidan used his knuckles, just like he did for himself. For his migraines. 

 

"Hon?" Garrus asked. 

 

"Hey," Shepard's voice was surprisingly watery. She gripped his wrist to hold him still. Kaidan had been right. The woman he loved, who loved him, was gone. But fuck if it didn't hurt to remember being that woman. 

 

"Stop moving," Dr. Chakwas said, "... why don't you plan your vacation while you stay still?"

 

"Vacation? Are the Reapers taking a vacation?" Shepard snapped. 

 

"Hush. And hold still."

 

Technology has to have caught up with fidgeting. Shepard glared at Dr. Chakwas then very happily rolled back onto her back. The dizziness spiraled and split into more dizziness waves. More nausea. 

 

"You'll feel better if you don't move," Dr. Chakwas smiled. 

 

Shepard groaned. She would ask Traynor to get applications for non-sadistic ship doctors. That'll show Chakwas. 

 

"Shore leave is a good idea," Garrus chimed in. 

 

"No one asked you," Shepard moaned. The dizziness was settling. Did the scan stop?

 

"There's my girl," Garrus hummed happily, like this was funny. 

 

"It'll take a few minutes for your cybernetics to recalibrate. You don't need to stay here, but I highly recommend you stay put until they're done," Dr. Chakwas began cleaning up and putting things away, leaving Shepard to rot on a med bed. 

 

"Minutes?" Shepard whined. "Garrus, can you do it faster?"

 

"Not right now, but let me in and I'll see what I can do."

 

"And Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas asked like it was a question. "Shore leave is an order from me, your physician, or you will have an unoptional rest with much fewer options."

 

Oh. 

 

"Thanks," Shepard said. 

 

"We can have another shooting contest," Garrus suggested. "Shore leave shooting. A new Shepard-Vakarian tradition."

 

Shepard snorted. "If you want me to humiliate you, just ask."

 

"Huh... well when - if I want that, I'll ask. But this isn't about that."

 

"It is. I'm the best shot in the galaxy," Shepard said.

 

"Shepard, please," Dr. Chakwas zipped up the last of her toys. "You aren't even the best shot in this room."

 

"I beat Garrus," Shepard frowned.

 

"I'm sure you did, dear," Dr. Chakwas patted Shepard's shoulder. "But I'm here too."

 

 

Chapter 26: Party on, Kaidan

 

"No," Grunt grinned.

 

"Grunt, right? Look, Shepard asked me to come," Kaidan pushed a dancing Vorcha away and out of the vid screen. "Please let me in before he starts grinding on me again," Kaidan pleaded with his eyes and his voice. 

 

"Let me see your invitation," Grunt said as Shepard interrupted. "Kaidan!" Shepard cried happily. "Let him in."

 

"Fine." Grunt relented. 

 

"Good security there," Kaidan said before getting hit with a Commander Shepard. 

 

"You're not into Vorcha?" she asked, her voice muffled against his shoulder. 

 

"Um," Kaidan tried to hug her back as he juggled a case of beer. "No?"

 

"He seemed nice. You won't know until you give them a chance," Shepard winked. She was drunkenly between teasing and sincere and it was cute.

 

"And how do you know I haven't?"

 

Shepard gasped.

 

"Cerveza!" James approached and gladly took the beer from Kaidan. "The good stuff!"

 

"Kaidan Alenko fucked a Vorcha!" Shepard ran and told the first person she saw. Wrex. Kaidan groaned. He did not need that rumor. 

 

Wrex wiggled his brow plates at Kaidan. "I knew you were a freak," he said, putting an arm around Kaidan. 

 

"There's nothing freaky about consensual relations between two adults," Kaidan retorted. He didn't need the rumor, but damn if he would endorse speciesism by denying it. 

 

"No one who actually slept with a Vorcha would say that," Wrex said, low and uncomfortably sensual in Kaidan's ear. 

 

"Vega! Beer!" Kaidan broke free of Wrex and went after James Vega and the alcohol. 

 

Shepard was helping James arrange the beer bottles and handed one to Kaidan. It was warm. Before Kaidan could exchange it, she bounced away.

 

"Miranda!" Shepard squealed. 

 

"I knew from my research that Shepard was an affectionate drunk," Miranda said knowingly to Liara.

 

"I could have told you that," Shepard muttered, tightening her hug around Lawson's waist and Kaidan walked around to admire Anderson's taste. The apartment looked like a furniture store catalog for better and worse. 

 

"Aww, don't be jealous," Wrex shook Kaidan's shoulder to get his attention back. "We all know you only settled for Shepard back on the SR1 because I turned you down."

 

Kaidan was happy to see Wrex. "Well, ready to reconsider?" he teased. Hopefully teased. Kaidan quickly scanned his memories to make sure he never propositioned Wrex. 

 

Thr scan was clean. 

 

"Ugh," Wrex collapsed on a couch and took Kaidan down with him. "Let me tell you about these females. Word of advice. Don't offer to repopulate a species. Look? See this? It's a cold pack. I can't go without it these days."

 

“I see it,” Kaidan put his hands up and looked away. Was that a fully stocked bar? Did it have something to colden his drink? 

 

"And watch out for Shepard. She's telling anyone she sees about our standoff on Virmire." Wrex put the cold pack back down his pants and wriggled it into place. 

 

Kaidan drank his warm beer. He didn't want to remember that. He had seen Shepard send off a number of warning shots, but one right to the gut? To a friend? That was hard. 

 

Not as hard as listening to Ash die, knowing Shepard was coming for him and he needed to stay alive for that, even if…

 

“Thanks for the heads up,” Kaidan said to cut off his thoughts. It was practically a miracle that he could attend this party. He wouldn't waste it being sad. It would insult Ashley’s memory to be anything but a happy drunk idiot tonight. It's what she would have wanted. 

 

Shepard loomed behind Kaidan and dropped a note into his lap. Kaidan looked back to see Shepard scamper away giggling. She was drunk, but not as drunk as she was pretending to be. 

 

“Let's chat before you leave,” the note said. It seemed like a waste of paper and ink, but he couldn't think of a better thing to do with them. 

 

“Huh,” Wrex held his omnitool over the note to translate it. “Interesting,” he concluded. 

 

“Shut up, Wrex,” Kaidan looked for Shepard to give her a thumbs up, but she was busy chewing on Garrus's mandible.

 

---

 

Ugh. What time was it? 

 

Kaidan needed to find a toilet. This door felt promising. 

 

“Kaidan?” Garrus was suddenly there. Kaidan walked into a bed and heard Shepard make a pathetic noise, as she was wont to do when she wanted coddling. Cuddling. 

 

Not his job. 

 

“That's right, Garrsh,” Kaidan agreed as he entered the room. He was drunk, wasn't he? He could hear it in his own voice. “Bathroom?”

 

“Right, left, left, right, straight,” Garrus said. 

 

“... right,” Kaidan would get it when he gets there. 

 

---

 

“Major,” Shepard's sleepy husky voice woke Kaidan up, along with a tap between his eyes. 

 

“Please don't tell me I fell asleep on the bathroom floor,” Kaidan whispered. He wasn't drunk anymore. 

 

“Tough shit. You did. But you aren't the only one.” Shepard shone a light on - terror, cold, frozen. 

 

He couldn't move. 

 

“Your Prothean friend,” Kaidan realized and he was safe again. Not a Collector. 

 

“He's not really a friend.”

 

“When did he get here?” Kaidan asked.

 

“Months ago. Maybe even a year. Remember Eden Prime?”

 

“Not really what I meant,” Kaidan just wanted to know who was in the bathroom first. “But if you want to talk that… planet, then give me a few minutes to finish burning my hangover and I'll be ready for another drink.”

 

Shepard didn't say anything. 

 

“You know, because all this started on Eden Prime… so I'll need a drink to talk about it,” he explained. 

 

“It would have started somewhere. But I get it. Anyway, I came to say I got a coupon for Armax,” Shepard said. “Wanna go kill Geth? Just like old times?”

 

“Now?”

 

She couldn't mean now. Right now, it's sleepy time on every place on every planet in the galaxy. 

 

---

 

She meant now.

 

Shepard wore a very poorly fitted jacket. It was somehow too big and too small.

 

“It belongs to Garrus,” she explained. 

 

Kaidan nodded.

 

“It smells like him,” she said, then held out her arm for Kaidan to sniff. It didn't smell like anything. 

 

“Not unpleasant,” he said. Technically true. Shepard smiled at that. “So you wanted to play kill Geth?” he asked.

 

“Just like old times,” Shepard drawled.

 

“Aren't they our allies now?”

 

Shepard shrugged. She knew the answer was yes. “Either way. I just… there are some things I think you should know.” Her voice went steady and almost cold. She was shutting off. And that tone made Kaidan tempted to follow.

 

“Right. You wanted to talk,” he remembered. 

 

“Then… well fuck if I know how to say this.” Her voice softened for a moment. “Screw Eden Prime. Remember Virmire?”

 

He remembered Wrex's warning. Kaidan hummed instead of answering. She knew he did. 

 

“Well, long story short, I got indoctrinated on Virmire.”

 

What? 

 

Wait. 

 

Hold on.

 

That actually makes sense. 

 

“Do you think Armax will have everything we need?” Shepard changed the subject. 

 

“You didn't check?” Kaidan asked instinctively as Shepard's long story short caught up to him. “Hold on, Shepard.” Kaidan stopped walking. The strip was quiet (for the strip). “I'll need more details than that.”

 

Shepard pouted and looked away. “It didn't really matter,” she said. “Since Sovereign died before he could mess with me like he did Saren.”

 

That was a name Kaidan hadn't heard for a while. 

 

“So, it just messed with my memory a bit.”

 

“A bit,” Kaidan repeated dryly. Seeing Shepard on Horizon and seeing that she didn't remember them hurt just as much as losing her. 

 

“A tiny bit,” Shepard said defensively as she checked them into the Armax Arsenal Arena. “And that coma didn't help.”

 

She died. But, Kaidan didn't want to fight. 

 

“Thanks for telling me,” he said and they separated to find armor and guns, which were available. 

 

“I remember everything now,” Shepard said when they reunited in the arena. “My brain got a good washing.”

 

“That's good,” Kaidan waved to the blob he could only assume was the audience. She was telling him like this so he couldn't ask follow up questions. 

 

Hold on again. “Brainwashed?” Kaidan got hit with something because he didn't notice the Geth materializing. 

 

“Squeaky clean,” she winked, huddled behind a crate with her sniper. It looked so familiar that he could almost forgive her for getting him shot. In front of an audience. Where they were probably representing humanity and the Council. 

 

At least she told him.

 

The thing about using armor you don't know is that you don't know how to use the medigel dispenser. Kaidan used way too much. The fight was a blur.

 

“Wave,” Shepard instructed.

 

“To who?” Kaidan's heart was racing to win the race. “Are the Geth gone?”

 

“Yessir,” she blew kisses to distract from Kaidan's shakiness.

 

“I took too much medigel,” Kaidan whispered. 

 

“Duh.”

 

“I need to deal with this without a crowd.”

 

“Shit. Right. Let's go,” Shepard led him out of the arena so he could shake and bounce in private. 

 

“Maybe you should have some coffee,” she suggested. 

 

“Are you joking? I think my heart is vibrating.” He felt his pulse.

 

“That's why. It'll help cool you off slowly so you don't crash. Otherwise it'll shock your system.”

 

Makes sense, but doesn't sound right. “If I die from coffee, it's your fault.”

 

“I'll get away with it. I am a spectre.”

 

Kaidan chuckled. Coffee sounded good, actually. 

 

Coffee coffee coffee.

 

Chapter 27: Momastary

Shepard read the notes the Ardat Yakshi passed to each other. They were cute. Nothing going on was the fault of these girls, but Shepard wasn't feeling generous after the Asari doomed the galaxy. They wanted to be the best and they'll be on top as everyone is dragged down to hell.

 

Not that she had the option of generosity. Everyone at this monastery was dead.

 

"Shepard?" Tali asked, watching Shepard compact her rifle. 

 

"There's nothing here, Tali," Shepard shrugged, as she worked on a safe. "Sorry to drag you out."

 

Tali nodded and walked up ahead. 

 

Javik gave Shepard a look. 

 

"What?" Shepard asked, annoyed.

 

"These Ardat Yakshi," Javik said. "They will seduce her."

 

"Tali? No they won't," Shepard laughed. 

 

"They will. I saw a vid. No one can resist the sensual seduction of an Ardat -"

 

"Are you watching porn?" Shepard interrupted. Before Javik could answer, there was a noise. A crash or fall or throw.

 

"It has begun," Javik said knowingly, running alongside Shepard, running to Tali who was certainly not in the arms of an Asari. 

 

… okay, so she was. 

 

"You see?" Javik smirked. 

 

"Samara?" Shepard pulled out a pistol. Small, discreet. Fast. 

 

"It's Samara," Tali confirmed, greeting them as Samara looked through everything and right at Shepard.

 

Shepard looked back. It was strange imagining Samara hug anyone, but Tali had a way about her. 

 

"She's here for her daughters," Tali explained. 

 

"They're alive?" Shepard asked. 

 

"I believe they are," Samara answered calmly. 

 

"And you think they don't have enough problems?"

 

Shepard assessed Samara, which was hard. Samara promised to attack to kill when they met next. But that was under the assumption that there weren't other priorities like Reapers or her children. Shepard wasn't on the top of Samara's list.

 

Samara didn't look at her again. 

 

It shouldn't have hurt.

 

---

 

"Didn't you come to rescue us?" Falere asked, some kind of innocence and trust that showed she'd been away from her mother for a damn long time.

 

"We came to set off a bomb," Shepard told Falere. "Your mom came for you." Samara turned her back to Shepard. 

 

Reapers first. Daughters second. And Shepard was last.

 

---

 

The bomb went off. 

 

Samara had been very clear - all Ardat Yakshi outside the monastery needed to die. Now there was no monastery.

 

Two daughters down. One to go. 

 

Samara lifted her gun. 

 

BANG!

 

Shepard never saw a body fall so gracefully. If not for the evidence, Shepard might have doubted Samara died.

 

"Mother!" Falere cried.

 

"We couldn't have known that's what she would do," Tali joined Falere and held her. The most huggable Quarian in the fleet. 

 

Javik looked at Shepard putting her gun away. Shepard looked back.

 

Chapter 28: Shepard kicks the Reapers figurative asses

 

Ashley was sprawled across a bench in the park, under a banner that said "Shepard Memorial Scholarship." Shepard saw pictures of this event from when she was dead. It was so the Alliance could ‘help’ kids like her in her name. 

 

“Hey, Skipper,” Ashley waved. “I brought some of your kids to sign up for the scholarship.”

 

That boy was here to sign up. His parents died under her command. He was just another Alliance made orphan with nowhere to go but the Alliance. If Shepard got to pick which cycle to end, it wouldn't be the Reapers. Probably a good thing that she wouldn't get to choose where to point the catalyst. 

 

“The Leviathan got rid of this crap,” Shepard snapped. “I thought I was done with these bullshit dreams.”

 

Ashley shrugged. 

 

If this was a dream, then was it from her own head? Was that what all the dreams were? 

 

Major Kyle walked the boy back to Ashley. "You know it's the right choice," Ashley told him. 

 

“No, leaving you on Virmire was the wrong choice,” Shepard said and sat down next to Ashley on the bench, while kneeing Ashley’s knees away. “I only did it because I loved Kaidan. Without that…” Shepard didn't need to finish. This was her dream, she was in charge. (The memories she had after the Lazarus Station seemed so far away. Her brain was like an unmoored satellite looking for gravity back then.)

 

Shepard glowered at Kyle. Father Kyle. 

 

Her brain was her own now.

 

“Stay away from him,” Shepard said to the boy. “He'll give you a mission and then throw you under the bus when you do it.”

 

Butcher. They called her a butcher. 

 

Shepard laughed. She didn't even eat meat. 

 

The boy ran. Smart kid.

 

She sat up. There was a cold spot in bed where Garrus should have been. She opened her drawers looking for a mirror. 

 

"Bad dream?" he appeared.

 

Ah ha! There it is. Shepard looked at herself. "Making sure I didn't smudge your lipstick?" he teased and sat next to her. 

 

In the dream, she saw a woman with glowing red scars. It was definitely her, herself. Shepard recognized the dark eyes, the sneer, the barely visible freckles (which were adorable, by the way).

 

She chased the boy in her dream; she shouldn't have. Williams. Kyle. Samara. Torfan. Virmire. It all burned. She couldn't stop it, so why did she chase? Why did she let them follow her to bed?

 

She couldn't have a breakdown now. 

 

Shepard kissed his mandible. "You didn't try hard enough," she smiled. 

 

“Guess not.”

 

“Round two?” Shepard crawled into his lap and spoke against his hot neck. 

 

She could feel the cybernetics moving under her skin. The red glow was still there, even if she couldn't see it. 

 

Garrus pulled back and looked at her, concerned. Something was up. And unfortunately it wasn't his dick.

 

“Why weren't you in bed with me?” Shepard asked, trying not to blame him for her bad dreams. 

 

“Sorry.”

 

“What were you doing?”

 

He sighed. “Just double checking my will. Triple checking.”

 

Well that sure ruined the mood.

 

He opened his mouth a few times. He wanted to say something. “I'm worried about you,” he finally got out.

 

“Don't be.”

 

Garrus laughed a real laugh. 

 

"Excuse me?" She sounded affronted to herself. Maybe she was. 

 

"I don't think anyone in the entire galaxy isn't worried about you.”

 

"The Reapers aren't," Shepard countered. 

 

"They are.”

 

Shepard scoffed.

 

"They're mowing the rest of us down," he said. "But you? They can't handle you.”

 

Huh.

 

Shepard smiled. She liked that interpretation. “I am a badass motherfucker,” She agreed.

 

She woke up again. She hated when dreams made her unsure what actually happened, especially when they were about Garrus.

 

Her head hurt. Again.

 

Her helmet was gone. Again. 

 

Shepard rolled over and pushed herself up. Right. She remembered now. She was on the Citadel to fire the Crucible and end this war for the last time.

 

The little boy from the Torfan memorial was speaking to her on behalf of the Reapers. 

 

“Hold on,” Shepard put a hand up. She needed to recombobulate after waking up, after passing out, after battles. But the boy gave her no mercy and did not shut up. 

 

“I'm not listening to you, but you're still talking,” Shepard muttered. But she got the gist. The Reapers were begging for their lives. They really were scared of her. She smirked. It felt good. 

 

"You must choose," the little boy suddenly stood at her feet, angry in the way only a scared kid could be. “Choose?” Shepard laughed. Did they seriously think they had any options? Idiots. 

 

"You've been watching me. What have I ever done… " She started before she needed to spit out blood and something hard left her mouth. Hopefully not a tooth. It probably was. She continued, "... to make you think I'd pick now to start leaving survivors?"

 

Shepard raised a pistol that she apparently never let go of. Her hand might have melted around it. Her gauntlet certainly was.

 

Torfan. Virmire. Alchera. The Collectors. Sure, her side might suffer casualties, but you should see the other guy. 

 

 “You must be so jealous that I'm better at this than you," Shepard grinned. She could only hope that her happy face was the last thing the Reapers saw. 

 

Then there was one last -

 

BANG!

 

---

 

Ow. 

 

Owwwww. 

 

Shepard remembered this pain. It's the kind of pain that's so bad you won't remember it. 

 

"Probably not," Garrus said. 

 

Garrus? He could hear her?

 

"I can."

 

Weird.

 

"Actually, it's weird that you can hear."

 

“Nuh," She said thoughtfully. "Guess it is. Get me a drink. Something strong and sweet.”

 

"Honey," Garrus dropped his head to her, "I can barely understand you. The nurse said you might be allowed to suck on ice chips later."

 

That actually sounded really good.

 

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Nebulous