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Neo and Felix sat in the meeting hall between the Palace and the Council Building. They were keeping hushed voices as they talked, not wanting to draw attention to any guards making their nightly-rounds. It was nice out tonight though, maybe Felix should’ve asked to talk outside.
The only reason they were in the closed space to begin with was because he had wanted to talk about something important, and wanted to run it by Neo first. Neo couldn’t think of anything that the other would want to talk about but he most certainly was curious, and wasn’t about to refuse the offer to talk.
Felix had seemed nervous when they finally met up in the dimly lit room. They were sitting beside one another at one end of the crescent-moon shaped table. The only thoughts that crossed Felix’s mind was how he hoped Neo didn’t see how tired he looked, or at least not comment on it. But the little light they had didn’t seem to work in Felix’s favor, unfortunately.
“Are you sure you want to talk right now? You look exhausted.” Neo said, sounding more concerned than anything. The other thing that didn’t seem to work in his favor was Neo’s lack of filter.
“I’m fine, you know how it is. Just haven’t been sleeping well.”
He hated moments like this. Not because Neo’s so upfront about everything, but because he’s good at connecting the dots because he’s so upfront. On any other day Felix would appreciate it.
“Felix--”
Said man had cut him off, voice straining only slightly. “I’m fine, really. I’d.. I’d be better if we can talk about uh, well. It’s difficult to explain.”
“Ah-- then take your time,” Neo replied awkwardly, but sincere nonetheless.
“It..” Felix paused before quietly thinking aloud, “How do I explain it?”
Neo stayed quiet, giving him time to sort out his thoughts. Felix began to look down at the table, no longer looking in the other’s direction. He traced certain lines he noticed in the polished wood, wondering how long the table had been here. Felix stopped himself from getting off track any more, tapping on the table instead while sighing.
“I… I want to leave,” Felix said finally, his voice straining once more. He didn’t want Neo to interrupt him, though he knew he wouldn’t. It was a stupid thought really, but he continued quickly, “I want to leave before something else bad happens. I know it’s our job to.. to stay, but this isn’t…” he trailed off, now turning his head away from Neo completely.
“I mean, that probably sounds vague.. I don’t know how else to explain or-or elaborate or anything.”
The other looked at him, concern and slight confusion crossing his face, not that Felix saw.
“I know I should’ve refused the position earlier or,” he cut himself off with a shaky inhale “Maybe, I shouldn’t have brought this up,” Felix huffed out a humorless laugh, a sad smile to accompany it. “This was, this was dumb, I’m sor--”
Neo put a gentle hand on his shoulder, causing Felix to jump a little and stop his rambling altogether, but ultimately it got him to look at Neo again. When he didn’t continue Neo spoke up,
“Is there anything.. specific that makes you want to leave?” Neo asked in a soft voice. Felix wanted to be thankful he wasn’t telling him to not apologize, he deserved to apologize. Though he knew he shouldn’t, that wouldn’t be fair to anyone but himself.
“You can already guess why, Nethaniel-- we can’t do anything for-for.. y’know . I know it’s selfish but I’m scared something might happen before we ever--”
“Felix,” Neo stopped him from his ramblings again, in the same hushed, gentle voice, “look at me for a second.”
“I- I am,”
“Actually look at me.” he smiled, a little bit of amusement in his tone.
It took a moment but Felix sighed, making eye contact that he oh-so dreaded. When he did, Neo went on.
“Bad things may happen, sure, but they won’t be as bad as you make them out to be.”
“Can you guarantee they won’t?”
“...I can’t guarantee that, Felix, but I can tell you that we’ll face them together. We can’t just give in to the possibilities.”
“I--...okay, yeah, you’re right.” He sighed again, ”You’re right. I was just.. Overthinking,”
Neo’s hand gently held Felix’s and then gave a light squeeze, “It’s okay to overthink situations and to try and be prepared; you just have to remember that not everything is something you can prepare for,”
Felix gave a dissatisfied look, so Neo went on. “But- it’s important to enjoy the good things now rather than worrying about preserving them for forever. You can’t run away from every problem expecting to believe that’s the only solution, Sunshine.”
When Neo got done talking Felix looked down at both of their hands. He intertwined their fingers and ran his thumb on the side of the other’s hand.
“Can I.. can I ask a question?” Felix asked, finally looking back up at him. He felt less restless than when they started talking, but it was building up again, he noticed. He just didn’t want to end their conversation yet.
“Of course.”
“In all seriousness,” he started shakily but then evened out his voice, “What makes you think that?”
Neo paused before answering, “I hate to admit it but I believe I have some experience with running from issues, only for them to build up and become too much. It’s a bad habit, but fortunately I’ve had someone to help with it.”
Felix smiled a little, before looking back down at their clasped hands. The smile faltered as he thought. Another hand lifted his chin lightly as Neo spoke,
“And I would happily return the favor. With the helping, that is.”
Felix looked at him, or more-so searched for something in the other’s expression. He wanted to catch a lie, any doubt that was being thought but never voiced. He couldn’t see anything, much like every other time. He didn’t see anything other than care . Or maybe pity.
He was going to hate himself for indulging in the idea that someone - Neo , he should specify - cared. He was going to hate how he felt safe. How his hands didn’t feel the need to be in motion when they felt so nice in his.
He was still restless, sure, he’d always been. He was still making tiny circles on the other’s hand with his thumb, but he wasn’t told not to. Never was - and hopes he never will be. He wasn’t told to not lean into the hand that was holding his face. He wasn’t told to keep looking at him while he closed his eyes, trying to hide the threat of building tears.
He was pulled into a hug. He would hate that later, too. Hate the thought of how he’ll miss it when everything goes south. He could barely hear what was being said. In fact, he was trying to focus on anything else, honestly.
He couldn’t, though. Not when one arm held him, so gently he might add, and the other was carding through his hair. It was a grounding motion. He didn’t want it to be. He wanted to be left to spiral in his thoughts, to break down and try and convince him that maybe--
“Breathe, Fe. Just focus on breathing right now, ‘kay?”
He’ll try and focus on that, then. It didn’t last long, of course, just up until he didn’t feel like passing out anymore.
He thought this excuse would be better, would make it easier for Neo to agree to. He’d rather say he’s being selfish than drag someone else into it. It’d probably be easier to fix if he did bring it up, if he did ask for help. But he’s not sure it’d be appreciated by a certain Islander. At least that’s what he’s telling himself. No one else has to get dragged into this mess if he just - doesn’t bring it up .
Felix forgot he was being talked to until he felt a loss of warmth. Neo had pulled away to look at him, worry and sadness written all over him. Felix doesn’t remember the last time he’d seen Neo sad, genuinely sad. He also didn’t remember opening his eyes as he felt tears run down his face.
Felix will indulge in this. One last time , he thought while leaning his head into the other’s chest, wrapping his arms around him. He’ll let himself feel safe, so he can hopefully forget about it tomorrow night. By then he’ll hopefully have something thought of.