Chapter Text
“I never intended to stay with you.”
Ow.
Shit , ow, ow, ow.
“There’s no future with us together. You understand that, right?”
Ow .
“I didn’t mean to drag this out for so long. I’m sorry.”
There had to be a mistake.
It was real.
There was no possible way that all of that hadn’t been real.
Cale found his voice from where it had been buried in the suffocating pain of Alberu’s words.
“...what are you saying?” There was no way he meant it like that. Cale couldn’t let it end just like this. Even if every word hurt to say, he needed to clarify this. He needed to fix this. It was too important to him just to let it go without a word. “...you’re making it sound like you never wanted to be together with me…”
“I never did.”
Ah.
Wow.
How do you breathe?
He’d forgotten.
How do you breathe ?
Was breathing always this hard?
How was he supposed to speak when he couldn’t even breathe ?
He needed to speak. Needed to argue. Needed to fight against the crumbling reality around him.
He opened his lips but no words came out.
Liar! You’re a fucking liar!
His eyes trembled but Alberu looked entirely unmoved.
How can that be?! With everything we’ve–you never once let me go. You were always at my side when the hardest shit happened–explain to me how you could do that if you never cared at all?!
Alberu’s expression was grim but distant. He didn’t look like he was lying. He just looked sorry to see Cale so upset.
You’re a lying bastard! I know you–I know you loved me too–I felt it, I felt you, how many fucking years do you think we’ve been together?! You can’t possibly have faked that shit for that long!
If only the stupid bastard could read his thoughts. Understand that he was wrong and apologize and stop with this nonsense.
His paralyzed tongue only managed one pathetic word. His pride crumbling alongside his heart.
“...liar…”
“It’s the truth, Cale Henituse. You’re not this foolish. You know that this could have never lasted. I never meant to let it begin.”
Stop. Please stop.
“From the beginning, I wanted to put an end to this.”
No. Please don’t say anymore. Please. I can’t.
“Think sensibly, Cale. I never even intended to tell you who I was. This was never supposed to go on for this long.”
…please stop hurting me…
He really did wish that Alberu could read his thoughts. Could understand what a horrible bastard he was for putting him through this. For saying all these horrible things, truth or not, with that unaffected political expression that made it seem like Cale was just another one of the inconveniences from his cabinet.
Cale wanted to argue. Wanted to rage. Wanted to throw a bottle at Alberu’s stupid fucking head and scream until his throat was raw.
But more so than any of that, he needed Alberu’s words to stop. He couldn’t listen anymore. He just couldn’t .
“I understand.”
He found the words. He lied through his teeth. He didn’t understand. He could never understand. He just needed to say anything to get Alberu to stop .
“I’d like some time alone.”
He couldn’t see Alberu’s expression. His own was directed towards the floor.
Ah, the floor. He was used to looking at the floor.
It had always been easier to look at the floor than a family that had been happier without him in it.
They were dead now though so had that ever really mattered?
Well, now the floor was easier to look at than a man who had never loved him.
Ah, what a truly awful bastard Alberu Crossman was. If he was going to lie all this time, why couldn’t he at least commit to that lie? Just pretend to care for forever?
Cale was happy to be fooled. Trick him. Use him.
Just never leave him alone like this.
Don’t say those horrible words.
Alberu left, silently and without any hesitation. As though he’d been telling the truth.
Who had Cale been kidding all this time?
He’d known for a very long time that he didn’t deserve to be loved. He’d failed his family. He’d failed at every damn thing he’d ever tried.
He really was trash.
A soulless laugh crept from his lips.
“...I’m an idiot.”
Trash was meant to be thrown away.
Why would he think Alberu loved trash like him? He’d been utterly deluded. It was honestly funny. He could laugh all day and night over his own foolish joke of a life.
He didn’t laugh though.
He slumped down slowly and kept his gaze towards the one consistent companion in his life. The ground offered absolutely no solace but at least it was there.
At least it could never leave him.
Alberu Crossman was a liar. He knew that with absolute certainty in that moment. Whether Alberu lied about loving him or lied to leave him, Alberu was an unrepentant liar who had chosen to toy with Cale’s life.
He really hated the bastard. He hated him so much that he couldn’t breathe.
He hated him so much and yet all he wanted was for Alberu to come back and apologize. Hold him tight and explain that it had all been nonsense. Apologize with his whole heart and promise never to leave again.
That never happened.
For the rest of Cale’s life, he hardly ever had a moment alone with the king. It was more strange that they’d ever spent time together in the first place. He was barely even nobility anymore after the collapse of his family. Just another soldier in an unending war.
Cale was able to accept that Alberu had spoken the truth.
How could a man who’d ever actually loved him try to hurt him like that?
When his vision faded and his last moments as Cale Henituse came to an end, he couldn’t help but wonder.
Was this the moment where he finally got to be the one to leave someone?
The ground had been an unerring companion but it was sort of nice to be the one who did the abandoning for once.
If he had a new life, he’d like to be able to be the one who did the rejecting. To leave someone else heartbroken and alone and miserable.
And he knew with absolute crooked certainty that that would never come to pass.
How could he possibly do that to anyone when he knew how badly it hurt…?
