Work Text:
Kissing is affection, apparently, and affection is hard to receive, or so Yor thinks.
She is at work when Camila stops her in the corridor. She doesn’t say anything Yor doesn’t know already. She mentions her relationship with Dominic, she also mentions how Yor needs to be more attentive to Loid since she hasn’t seen them being ‘lovely’ to each other ever since the party.
Yor knows she has a point, but she doesn’t know what to do about it.
“Being a wife is about showing your husband how much you love him, and having him show you the same,” Camila comments, “I had to take the initiative yesterday and give him a kiss on the cheek so he wouldn’t forget about me.”
That gets Yor’s attention. “A kiss?”
Camila stares at her. “Of course, a kiss is the best way to make a date memorable, after all.”
“Is that so…?”
“How can you not know something so basic?” Camila says and sighs, “Listen up! Kisses are super important in a relationship; you need to kiss at least once to make sure you are going to last.”
Yor frowns and looks away. “Is that really it?”
“Yes!” Camila sounds exasperated, “I know you kissed him once during your wedding, but you need to kiss him again, it’s part of a married couple’s life!”
Yor pressed her lips together to avoid asking another question, Camila huffs and their supervisor calls her, she sends a look in Yor’s way before walking away.
When she is alone, Yor tries to think about Loid and what kissing him would mean. Her face gets hot and she sighs, kissing her husband is normal, right? She can still recall when Yuri asked them to do just that, and she had to drink a whole bottle of wine to get the courage to try, even when it didn’t accomplish anything.
“Why is kissing even that important?” She wonders, returning to her station.
Trying to concentrate on her work proves to be harder than she expected, Camila’s words keep on coming back and echoing in her head, she tries to forget them every time, but they stay, making her more and more confused when the idea of kissing Loid becomes more pressing.
She has enough problems with her actual feelings for her—fake—husband to go adding complications with kissing and whatnot.
Yuri’s last visit had been an overnight stay to help Anya study, which had led to Yor sharing the room with Loid. She still remembers how caring he had been when she woke up from a nightmare. Loids hands holding her while he whispered reassurances to her.
She cried that night, and he never mentions it, not once.
Loid treats her… different, since then.
She notices how his hand lingers a little too long when he helps her on the stairs, how his eyes seem to follow her when she enters the room, and how his smiles seem a little brighter than before. She is sure it’s just her mind playing tricks on her.
There’s no way Loid would feel anything for her, not really.
By the time her shift is over, Yor is more confused than when she started thinking about the whole issue. She is so glad that Anya is going to be staying at Becky’s house—mostly because that way she doesn’t have to deal with Becky, the little girl makes her a bit uncomfortable lately with how she glares at her—so she can take her time getting back.
The streets are filled with people getting off work, and Yor smiles at a group of children playing in the dog park when her eyes find a couple behind some trees.
A couple that is kissing.
She—unintentionally—stares as she continues walking. The couple doesn’t notice her and continues. Yor feels her cheeks heat up at the sight. Why do they kiss like that? Why is he holding her head? Isn’t she worried that he’d break her neck? Isn’t he scared that she might use a knife on his back with her hands there?
She shivers at the prospect and turns away, walking a little faster.
Home is warm, and she is happy to leave behind the street. Couples covered every corner, and that woman reading a novel with a cover with a man kissing a woman’s neck… how was that alright?!
She sighs and hangs her coat.
“Yor, welcome.”
She flinches and looks towards the kitchen; Loid is there smiling at her with a plate of cookies in hand.
“You are early,” is all she can say as he places the plate with pastries on the coffee table.
“Work was slow, only one patient,” he replies, “how was your day?”
Yor looks at him, then at the cookies, and then back at him, it takes her a minute to realize it’s only them, and he had just asked her a question.
“It… It was okay.”
“That so? I’m glad,” he says and straightens his back, “would you like some coffee?”
She nods and starts her way to her room. “Let me change and I’ll prepare it!”
“I can-”
“I like to make it,” she interrupts him, smiling at his bewildered expression, “please, it’ll take me a moment.”
Loid’s smile does that funny thing when it shows a bit more of him, and she feels her belly twisting as her heart does a summersault.
“Alright,” he says, chuckling a little, “I’ll wait, don’t rush yourself, though, you must be tired.”
“Not at all,” she assures him and gets inside her room.
She is ready in a minute but takes two more to control her heartbeat.
“He is just being Loid,” she whispers, opening the door. “It’s nothing special.”
She finds him on the couch with a book she doesn’t recognize the name of. With steps as quiet as she can manage, she makes her way to the kitchen and starts her work, Loid seems to notice her halfway through finishing the coffee, but he doesn’t say anything, instead, he just moves to open space for her in the couch when she walks into the living room with the coffee and milk.
He serves all the milk in his coffee like always.
Sitting there in silence, Yor takes her time to look at him from the corner of her eye. “How’s been work?”
“It’s been easy last week, thankfully,” he replies with a smile, “Fiona is taking on more responsibilities, so I have more time to spend on my main research, also, it lets me come home earlier.”
“Anya is really happy about it,” Yor comments, “she says it’s better with her papa around. I wonder if I’m doing a good job…”
“I’m sure you are,” he assures her and places a hand on her shoulder, “you are an excellent mother for her, Yor.”
She blushes and looks away. Loid’s jaw is sharp, the same as his eyes and his smiles. For all the sharp ends he carried with himself, whenever he touches her or holds her—those odd times when he has to do so in public to keep their facade—he is all but sharp. He is soft and caring.
Yor can understand why Anya asks him to carry her so much.
“What is it?” Loid asks.
“Huh?”
He takes a sip from his cup. “You’ve been staring.”
“I- I was not! ”
“You were!”
“I was not, Loid!”
He laughs and she pouts, throwing a punch in his direction that he avoids, getting a grab on her hand, he pulls her close, and they end up with their faces in front of one another. Loid’s smile is knowing, and he lets go of her wrist but doesn’t move away.
Yor presses her lips together. “I… I was thinking about kisses.”
Loid blinks a few times. “Ki-kisses?”
She nods and pulls away. “Camila said that couples should kiss.”
“I… I can understand the idea…”
“You can?” Yor asks and plays with a strand of her hair, “because I can’t.”
“You can’t… understand kisses?”
She frowns. “I- I know how to kiss,” she defends, huffing, “I just don’t understand the meaning, or why so many people make a big deal out of it.”
“I mean… it’s a pretty important step in a relationship?”
“But why? ” Yor whines, looking at him, “What makes kissing so… so… special? Why not hugging, or holding hands? Why kissing?”
Loid remains silent and that somehow just makes Yor’s anger rise. So it’s something so mysterious that not even a father with a child would know how to answer? God help her.
“It’s hard to explain, I think,” Loid finally says, “it’s a matter of how you experience it.”
Yor blushes at that. “I’ve… I’ve never… felt that way.”
“… No?”
The way he asks makes her blush deeper. “I… I had to take care of Yuri, and that required a lot of compromises, I never had time to-”
“Yor,” he interrupts her, “it’s alright.”
“But everyone says-”
“It doesn’t matter,” Loid says and she sees him staring at his cup, “I don’t really understand much of it, either.”
“What?”
“Why is it that surprising to hear?”
“I mean… Anya’s mother…”
Loid sighs. “That’s… complicated.”
“Oh, complicated… how?”
He looks at her with those cold eyes, the calculating ones that she has seen only when he is studying a book, or meeting someone new. She blushes and looks away.
“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“… No, it’s alright,” he replies, “Anya’s mother and I didn’t have… the best relationship.”
“You didn’t?”
Loid smiles and shakes his head. “We were distant, so much that we didn’t really know each other. We were together for the circumstances but…”
Yor doesn’t really understand how someone could be with somebody and be distant. Her marriage with Loid is a fake one, a farce, but she feels closer to him and Anya than anyone else in the world… even closer than Yuri, even when it hurts her to admit it.
“I’m sorry,” she says slowly, “it must’ve been hard.”
“… It was,” he says, “I take care of Anya because I love her, my ex-wife was more of a shadow… an idea. I want to get Anya into a good school, not because of her, as I told you before.” He smiles apologetically when she gasps. “Sorry, I lied.”
“I couldn’t tell!”
He laughs and she can’t help but smile, too. “I’m sorry… I just want her to have the best education possible.”
“… I can understand that feeling,” Yor replies and places her cup on the table, “I’d do anything for Yuri, back then.”
And she did.
“So…” Yor dragged the word, “You and your ex-wife…?”
“I didn’t love her,” Loid says plainly, “I love Anya, but… bur there wasn’t love in my first marriage. I don’t think I ever really met my wife.”
Yor bites her lip to avoid letting any sound leave her. She is conflicted with strange emotions. One part of her is sad, really sad for him, being married to someone you don’t love, having a child with a person you don’t hold dear… the prospect sounds… empty.
Just like the idea of raising Anya just to keep her cover, huh?
“I’m glad I do…” She stops her thoughts and shakes her head.
Not the time.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Yor says and plays with her hands, “I hope you don’t feel that way about us?”
“I feel like I we know each other well,” he says softly, placing his cup away.
Yor blinks and turns to face him.
Loid looks into her eyes with a new kind of serenity, and she feels her heart beating faster. Loid’s eyes have always been a mystery to her, he looks young for his age, just like her, and she is sure he could probably pass for a young man.
But his eyes always break the illusion.
Loid’s eyes shine with the knowledge that can’t be acquired by studying, but by experience. Those eyes are pools of stories he doesn’t share, and she doesn’t ask, because it’s not her place, it’s not her right, even, since she is also hiding a part of herself from him.
But when he looks at her like that, she feels like he already knows, and he doesn’t care.
“Would you like to try?” Loid asks then.
She blinks a few times. “Try what?”
“Kissing.”
The way he says it is so… straightforward, that Yor has to take a moment to process it.
“Kissing…” she repeats, and her face lights up.
She tenses, ready to jump and hide in her room, but Loid’s hand on hers stops her. She looks back at him and his smile is so… sweet, soft, all the things a smile shouldn’t be.
“It’s okay,” He whispers and it’s so… so… she can’t think of words that match what those words from him make her feel. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, Yor.”
The understanding makes her feel bad instantly, why did she have to fall for her—fake—husband? It makes everything harder! “But… but Camila said…”
“Camila doesn’t know me,” he assures her, and something seems to bother him, because the softness dissipates from his features, “I promise, Yor. You don’t need to force yourself… this is okay, you are okay.”
He turns his hand to hold hers, and his thumb runs over her knuckles. Loid’s fingers are soft at the same time they are rough. It’s different from her own hands, hardened by wielding needles and killing with her bare hands. Loid’s hands are carefully kept.
“This is enough being with you like this is enough… and we can always start slow, like this,” Loid says then and he gets her hand and kissed the back of it.
The feeling that runs through her is overwhelming, and a part of her wants to run, to kick him and rush into her room to be alone with her erratic heart, while another part makes her stay, makes her want to do the same to him, to kiss his beautiful hands that help people instead of hurt them. Those two parts of her fight, they freeze her in place and give her brain time to bring up the harrowing truth.
She doesn’t deserve this.
Loid shouldn’t be kissing her hands, not when they are covered in so much blood, not when she has taken lives with her fingers, not when she can still feel the neck of some of her victims snapping when she has an especially bad nightmare.
“You shouldn’t do that…” she whispers weakly.
Loid doesn’t look up, instead, he moves his nimble fingers to intertwine them with hers. “Why not?”
“My hands are dirty,” she says without thinking, she panics, she tries to think of an excuse, of something to say, of-
“So are mine,” Loid then says, and he smiles, “I am sure mine are worse than yours.”
“I doubt it,” She can’t help but think.
Loid lowers their intertwined hands to his lap and finally looks at her. “Can I… could I…?”
He stops and looks away, closing his eyes.
“What is it, Loid?” Yor asks and squeezes his hand back.
He looks at their hands and then at her, something shifts in his eyes, almost like when he is explaining some plan to get Anya to study, or when her talks about his work, but something is different. Where there’s usually a steely resolve, a certain determination glowing on the back of his gaze, Yor finds a flame, something that feels like it would burn her if she wasn’t careful.
“I really shouldn’t say anything,” he whispers.
Closing the distance between them, she can feel his breath hitting her face, it smells like coffee and peanuts. “You can tell me anything, Loid.”
“I feel like this would be the exception.”
“Why?”
“It’s not like me.”
“You are the one saying it,” she comments, confused, “so it is like you, isn’t it?”
He chuckles and shakes his head a little. “I meant that it’d be out of my common character.”
“I don’t mind,” she assures him, “you can tell me anything, Loid. I can’t promise that I’ll understand, but I can promise I’ll do my best to try.”
Loid bites his lip in a way that attracts her attention, seeing his white teeth sinking onto the tender skin and a part of her, a little whisper in the back of her mind, makes her wonder how it’d feel to sink her teeth there…
“I want to kiss you.”
Yor blinks a few times as does Loid, and when their eyes meet, she realizes that it wasn’t her who said that, it wasn’t even Loid.
But both of them.
“I, you… what?” she tries to look somewhere else, but her eyes have other ideas, and they go from Loid’s red ears to his eyes and then his lips, repeating the trip so many times that she is sure she could draw his face from memory. “… You… you do…?”
He opens his mouth, and he seems ready to give her an explanation, just like he always does, but he closes it and takes a deep breath.
“Yes,” he says then, looking at their hands, “I’d like to.”
The sincerity in that sentence makes her shiver, she can feel his pulse in his hand, and it’s running like crazy, even when his expression is unchanging.
Taking a shallow breath, Yor looks at his lips again.
“… Please… do…” she says then.
Loid moves slowly, giving her time to back away, reconsider and ignore the entire ridiculous situation.
But she doesn’t move, and it’s different from fear fighting anxiety.
She wants to understand what kisses mean
She wants to stop the looks Camila sends her way, even when well-intentioned.
She wants to know something she doesn’t know yet.
She wants to feel Loid’s hand on hers for a little bit longer.
She wants Loid to teach her the things she doesn’t understand.
She wants to kiss the man she is in love with at least once before the farce is over.
She-
Loid’s lips meet hers, and her brain stops working.
Well, it doesn’t stop, quite the opposite, actually, she starts to notice how soft Loid’s lips are, how hot they feel against her own, and how caring he is being with the kiss, almost like she is made out of glass—when nothing would further away from the truth—and would shatter if he used too much strength.
“Loid…” she whispers when he pulls away, “you don’t need to be so… careful…”
He blinks and his eyes look darker, a shadow of something that makes her shiver covers the greenish-blue. “Are you sure?”
Yor nods, reaching for his face with her free hand. “Yes.”
He kisses her again, and it’s more demanding. He pushes her with enough force to have her lay back on her couch and he lets go of her hand to support himself without falling on top of her, his lips are the same, but the feeling behind the kiss is different, something is burning within him, something that is desperately trying to get out.
And she conflicted between wanting to find out what it is and stopping this whole thing altogether, her desire and her fear battling, stopping her from fully immersing herself in the feelings that Loid’s mouth is giving her.
“Are you okay, Yor?” Loid asks against her lips.
Yor can’t stop it, she rolls her eyes. His concern is sweet, so sweet that she sways a little, but she isn’t weak, she could resist Loid’s weight on her, and the push has helped her forget her stupid, stupid idea of running away from him, from his kiss and from the heat that comes off him.
She should say something, all of her thoughts, maybe, to get him to understand that this is just what she wants, maybe even more than him, but God, Loid’s breath on her skin makes outrageous things to her thought process, not to mention her pulse.
He is perching over her, his hands on the sides of her head, and she takes moment to look at his face as he stares down at her. She doesn’t even fight the impulse to reach for his face, running a finger down his jawline. He shivers under her touch and something sparks within her.
Suddenly, one kiss or two is far too little.
She pulls him down, and when their lips meet this time, she isn’t scared anymore. She kisses him back without the shyness from before, and he responds accordingly. They kiss with a fire that she can’t understand. Whenever she feels like burning, she also feels in danger, but this… this is something that pulls her closer to him, a kind of heat that makes her want more not less.
Loid’s lip part ways and
Oh, she has a tongue.
The kiss is so much, just… she can’t think.
When Loid pulls away from her, she is breathing hard, as if she has just finished a difficult job. She feels in disarray, not quite sure what or where or who she is anymore.
And Loid kisses her again.
His lips are hot, and he moves from her mouth to her cheeks, her nose, her forehead. He kisses her face thoroughly, she closes her eyes and he kisses her eyelids, each time his lips meet her skin, a rush of electricity shakes her and she grips his shirt a little tighter.
She feels one of his hands taking hers, and then he is away again. She opens one eye and meets his eyes, those pools that look like she could drown in them. He pulls her hand to his lips and kisses it. It feels so different from before.
“I… sorry,” Loid whispers and he is smiling, she doesn’t think he is sorry at all, “I got a little carried away.”
She bites her lower lip, she can still taste him. “Not enough.”
They are both surprised by her words, but he recovers fast, and after waiting for confirmation, something that she gives him with a single nod, he lowers himself again.
A chaste kiss on her lips makes her shiver, and then he proceeds to kiss her face again, lowering his targets, going from her cheeks to her jaw, and then lower.
When Loid’s lips meet her neck, something in Yor just stops.
An unknown emotion blooms in her chest, something she doesn’t remember ever feeling, but at the same time, it feels more familiar than anything else she has ever felt.
Loid pulls away and she reacts violently, her free hand reaches for his head, burying her fingers in his hair and holding him in place.
“Yor…?”
She is scared of how desperate her voice sounds as it leaves her lips. “Please… please do it again.”
He tenses but obliges, and his second kiss shakes her as much, if not more than the first. He keeps on kissing her and she shivers, squirms, and cries under the touch. She isn’t sure why the tears are leaving her, she isn’t sad, but she isn’t happy.
It’s too much, she can’t comprehend it.
Loid lets go of her hand and hold her waist, pulling her up with him. Limp in his embrace, Yor gasps when he sits her on his lap, resuming his kisses as she hugs him, she wishes that this moment can last forever, with their body heat combined and his lips on her skin, she closes her eyes, trying to lose herself in the sensation of his touch.
And then, when his teeth brush against her pulse, she shivers.
You can’t be vulnerable, ever.
Her eyes snap open and she pulls away from him, the words of the ‘Owner’ acting like a discharge of lightning. Looking at Loid, Yor sees the exact moment in which his surprise transforms into fear and then into worry.
“I’m sorry, Yor I…” He stops and reaches for her face, brushing a tear with his thumb, “are you alright?”
Is she? She isn’t sure.
What is she doing?! She had him so close to her vital points, she was in so much danger! Incapable of reacting, of defending herself, or even thinking of the risk that it is to let anyone have such a power over her.
She is about to stand up, about to run into her room and beg the 'Owner' to explain what just happened, to ask him why he never taught her to fight against whatever Loid did to her.
But then she notices that Loid is still there, looking at her with worried eyes, fearful eyes, but not because he is scared of her.
He is scared for her.
The realization is a completely new wave of understanding, she chokes on nothing at all and lowers her eyes to where her hands are currently resting. So close to Loid’s neck. Not less than five minutes ago, she was holding his head, completely unaware that she could just snap his neck. She could’ve done it, she is confident she can…
Then why doesn’t Loid look worried?
He is still looking at her, he isn’t saying anything, his pulse is running, but not in the way she knows it should when you are facing death. He is worried, he is sacred, but he isn’t scared of her, He isn’t worried about himself.
“Yor, are you okay?”
The question is like a punch, and she can’t help but laugh. How can he be so sweet? How can he be so unaware of the fact that he was in mortal danger just a moment ago while he kissed her? How could she be laughing when she was in the same danger, too?
What was wrong with them?
She pulls him close, her hands snaking around his neck as her chin fins a spot on the curve where his shoulder meets his neck. She stares at his vein, the pulsing line on his neck. She moves by instinct, her lips light as a feather as they kiss the length of it. Loid shivers and melts under her touch, she feels a different wave of emotion, but this time it’s… milder, controllable.
She could hurt him so much… he could hurt her so much.
And yet, here they were, completely ignoring the risk, completely devoting all their minds to just… be.
“Yor?” Loid whispers.
“I think… I think I get it…” she whispers.
He tenses under her touch, and she finds it cute this time. “You get… what?”
“Kisses…” she replies and pulls away, looking into his eyes, “I think I understand why they are important for a married couple.”
“Oh… oh…” he coughs and looks away, “You do, now?”
“Yes.” She nods. “At least… a part of it.”
Loid licks his lips and nods. “I see… care to share it with me?”
She blushes, looking away. “I… I think it’s about being vulnerable.”
“Vulnerable?”
“Yeah, I mean…” she moves a hand and runs over his vein with her fingernail, she maybe enjoys a bit too much how he squirms under her. “See? We are so… close, so weak and so exposed… you were kissing my neck and I was just so… so lost. ”
“Lost?”
“Yes!” She replies, eagerly, “I didn’t think for a moment about you hurting me-”
“I would never!”
“I know, I know! It’s not what I meant, Loid,” she presses her lips together, “I know you wouldn’t hurt me but… but people have tried before… I’ve hurt people before… and I’ve learned, after losing my parents, I was never vulnerable to other people… so this… this was too much.”
He stares and his eyes dart away. “I… I’m sorry…”
“Don’t,” she begs him, stopping him, “I don’t mean it in a bad way, Loid. I just… it’s new to me… to think that you were so close… that you were there, with your teeth over my pulse.” Yor closes her eyes, feeling how the words leaving her start to shatter all the barriers she built around herself, she doesn’t care if what she says is weird anymore, she needs him to understand. “You could’ve bitten, you could’ve taken my life with a simple motion, you could’ve hurt me… but instead, you chose to kiss, to… to love.”
She leans closer, kissing his lips with all the emotions she carries with her at that moment. She is scared that it’s too much, that she has scared him, but when he kisses her back, she feels how he mirrors everything she feels, even the parts she doesn’t fully understand.
They pull back and she opens her eyes meeting his gaze. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me. That you got all that power… and you used it to show me love… to love me… even if it’s just a part of me…” She smiles. “Thank you, Loid.”
He gapes at her at first, he closes his mouth and his face becomes beet red. He looks at her, then at the table, then at the ceiling, it’s all quite funny, really. When he finally looks into her eyes again, there’s the fire from before, burning brighter.
“I love you, Yor,” he says. The words are crud, sharp, and straight to the topic.
It’s so Loid that she can’t help the chuckles that come out of her.
“Wow…”
“Yes, I know,” he sighs, “I should… probably say it sooner.”
“Would’ve been appreciated.”
“I know…” He takes a deep breath and meets her eyes again, “I’m saying it now, though.” He moves a hand and pulls a rebel strand of hair away from her face, “I love you, Yor Forger, so it should be obvious I’m going to show you how much I do, no matter what way I do it, I want you to understand that I do.”
She smiles and nods. “I love you, too.”
And when she kisses him, she can finally understand what it means.