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It was like his mind went blank after Mari’s death. All he could see was the tree, with someone hanging on the rope listlessly. His friends, they were screaming but Hero —
He could only watch silently. His friends shouldn’t be seeing this.
He barely remembers what he did after. All he could remember was that he broke and then he cried, cried, and cried until his throat was sore until he had run out of tears until Sunny’s Dad came in; taking out the tree and the jump rope and Mari’s —
They were happy! He was happy and he thought she was happy too! This can’t be happening to him. Mari couldn’t be dead. She can't be!
Because accepting that would mean that he failed. That Mari died because he was too stupid to see the signs.
All he knew now was that he was angry, no, beyond that — he was pissed . ‘Why was life so cruel?’ ‘Why was he so goddamn oblivious?!’ ‘Why…Why…Why —’
He promptly shuts the door behind his and Kel’s room, barely acknowledging his brother as he slips into bed.
He doesn’t notice his brother crying himself to sleep that night.
Hero doesn’t sleep that night, only wallowing further into his own self-loathing. Every time he closed his eyes, the images would haunt him. She wouldn’t leave him.
─────
A year later…
Kel was worried, he’d always been since Hero slowly became a shut-in. It was getting harder and harder to bring him out of his room, to make him do something. Anything. He would barely eat, drink, shower, and sleep, and it worried Kel because there were times where he would see his brother lay awake at bed, staring at nothing for hours. Eyes blank and hazy.
It scared him. Kel just wished that he could bring life back into his eyes but he didn’t know how. Kel tried his best to keep up morale, to be happy, to smile, to lighten up everyone’s mood but after everything that happened after Mari’s death; Kel doesn’t know if he could ever ‘truly’ feel happy again nor could things be the same with his friends ever again.
He just feels so dumb. He can’t even do the only thing he used to be good at; making others happy.
He starts to tear up in frustration. He wipes his eyes. It’s okay. Everything will be okay. ( ‘...Eventually’ He has to hope.) Everyone has their own speed for recovery and Kel will be there to help them along the way (even if he’s on his own road to recovery too). Mom and Dad have been incredibly worried about Hero but they just didn’t know what to do anymore, they tried to be supportive but…nothing was really working. Maybe he could try talking to Hero tonight…
Kel approached cautiously to Hero’s bed and asked if he could stay there for a while. Hero gave out a small nod, not really looking at him, and Kel plopped himself right next to Hero. They spent a minute together in silence before Kel started.
“Hey Hero…” Kel’s mind couldn’t seem to sort through his own thoughts on what he was going to say but his mouth moved before him. “Are you okay?” Kel wants to mentally slap himself. ‘No duh, dummy, does he look okay to you?’ He thought before he kept going. “Well — it’s just….we all miss you, Hero. You’ve been so closed off lately and Mom, Dad, and I, we’re all trying our best but we’re all worried about you.”
Hero doesn’t respond but Kel notices him bringing his blankets closer to himself. Kel continues. “Everyone is worried about you, Hero. You haven’t been taking care of yourself well and I know that you’re struggling after Mari —” Kel pauses, unsure if he should bring her up. “A-After Mari died and I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you right now. I’m sorry that I can’t make things better for you but, can’t you at least try?”
“... Do you think Mari would like seeing you like this? Of course she wouldn’t want to see you this way.”
The room was deathly silent.
Kel felt as if he had overstepped a boundary. Hero gets up and —
Kel gets shoved off the bed. “WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MARI?! You never loved her like I did! You think you’re a know-it-all who knows how Mari feels?! SHE KILLED HERSELF RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES!” Kel watches, stunned, and Hero continues his furious wrath. His eyes were bloodshot red and it almost looked like tears were starting to form.
“W-What – I don’t think I’m a know-it-all! And what are you saying, I loved Mari too! I mean, not the same calibre as you but I still loved her, Hero!” Kel tried to deescalate the situation but it seemed that whatever he had said only made Hero cry even more.
“HA! Really? You act as if nothing with Mari ever happened! It’s like you don’t care! You keep saying that everything will be okay but we know it’s not! And now — you want me to pretend that none of that happened like you?! You’re just a nuisance, Kel! You think I’m being dramatic for feeling this way like Mom and Dad, right?! Deep down, I know you feel the same way as them too even if they don’t show it! WELL I’M NOT OBLIGATED TO YOU OR OTHER PEOPLE’S HAPPINESS!” Hero had shouted that so loudly that Kel had to cover one of his ears. Hero started to cry harder the more he continued.
“Maybe this is why Mari killed herself! Cause we were too stupid to see the signs…! Cause we were too oblivious to the fact that she was hurting for her to actually want to talk to us before…s-she did it.” Hero’s voice cracked in the end and he slumped down onto the floor, sobbing.
Something dripped down from Kel’s eyes. ‘Oh’ Kel thought. He was crying too.
It seemed like the ruckus upstairs had finally gotten the attention of their Mom and Dad since the door had burst open and their parents rushed over to Hero. Kel couldn’t seem to focus on what they were saying to Hero and Kel tried so hard to wipe away the tears that were blurring his vision but he couldn’t make it stop.
Kel heard someone getting up and now Hero was hugging him, apologizing to him over and over like a broken record. “K-Kel — Kel I’m so sorry!” Kel sniffs and he shakes his head. “No no, it’s fine, I’m okay, it’s okay .” He repeated that last part as if to reassure himself that he was okay when in reality he wasn’t. Hero hugged him firmly “No it wasn’t okay. I pushed you, Kel! I said so many horrible things, I’m so sorry!” Kel couldn’t seem to respond without choking in his own tears.
They stayed in this embrace for a while until they had both calmed down.
─────
Hero wakes up from his deep sleep and walks out of his room to prepare breakfast. He had promised Kel that he would make up to him by making breakfast the next day. Hero’s mind drifts off to the fight they had yesterday and Hero still feels immensely guilty about that. He had shouted so loudly that he had made his brother cry, it was uncalled for. He knows that he still has a lot to make up for, but for now, this would do.
He starts preparing breakfast, making Kel’s favourite Orange Joe while he is cooking. There didn’t seem to be any orange juice in the fridge so he opted to make some by using orange juice powder (Or what Kel likes to call as ‘OJ powder’ for short).
He reaches blindly through the cupboard until he sees the familiar (?) orange powder. Without a second thought, he places it into a mug and starts making orange juice with it. He chuckles fondly when he starts putting the water and coffee in. Only Kel could drink this stuff.
When it’s time for breakfast, they all ate and Kel gave out a small smile when Hero handed him a cup of Orange Joe. “...Thanks, Hero.” Kel said before drinking it. However, as soon as he did he let out a look of confusion. “Hey. This tastes a bit funny. Did you place the orange juice here?” Hero frowns but nods. “Yeah. I couldn’t find the regular orange juice we had, so I used the OJ powder we had in the cupboard.”
Now it was their parents’ turn to be confused. “What? I don’t think we had OJ powder lying around.” His Mom said. Hero gets up and goes through the cupboards again to find the packet of orange juice powder he found. “Yeah — it’s over here somewhere…”
“Hey Dad, I don’t feel good.” Kel muttered out, feeling a bit nauseous. It didn’t take long before Kel started bleeding from his nose. He looked at his hand, seeing the blood and he promptly rushed to the bathroom. Everyone startled at the commotion and Hero finally finds the packet, turning it over. Hero felt a pit grow in his stomach and he gasped.
The label reads: ‘Rat Poison Powder’
And just like that, Hero’s world broke again.
It was a mistake.
Kel had gotten really sick after a few days. They had brought him to the hospital as soon as Hero had read the label out loud to their parents. At some point, Kel had lost consciousness and was now in a coma. Hero would spend hours in the hospital room and he could’ve stayed longer if it weren’t for the visiting hours. There was a cactus now next to Kel’s bed, ‘get well’ cards, and many more gifts coming from all sorts of people that knew Kel.
His parents were rightfully angry at what he had done.
It was a mistake. He didn’t mean to do it. He wanted to make Kel feel better. People were asking what happened, who would’ve done such a thing? Why did this happen?
‘Why did this happen?’ He thought. It was a mistake.
Things weren’t looking too good until —
Until Kel died from rat poisoning.
‘It was a big mistake and it was all your fault.’ “I’m sorry!” He chokes out. No matter how many times he sobs or apologises, it will never be enough.
The days blurred after that as Hero held an umbrella over his head. It was raining and it was like his body was on autopilot when the funeral happened. ‘ Your fault, you did this. Just like with Mari, it’s all your fault.’ It was the only thing repeating in the back of his mind (it sounded like Kel’s voice).
Sunny and Basil (why did they both look so dead?) simply watched and cried listlessly. When Aubrey grabbed him by the collar after the funeral (He didn’t say anything — he had no right since he was the one who took Kel’s life away), he didn’t flinch as she questioned him. “Why didn’t you say anything?! Wasn’t he your brother?” She asked. “Why did he die? He wasn’t supposed to die!” His parents never told anyone that it was his fault.
It was a mistake. Kel wasn’t supposed to die. ‘It should've been me.’
If he cries himself to sleep that night, it doesn’t matter. If he starts seeing Mari and Kel’s distorted figures in the mirror, it doesn’t matter. He deserves it because it was all —
“ — Your fault that we’re dead, you murderer.” His brother (that’s not him) hissed out, orange liquid seeping out from his eyes, nose, and mouth. His visage was almost blurry in the mirror like a horrible low quality picture.
He doesn’t tell anyone. He was a mistake.
The days (months?) continue to blur together. Something was awfully chatty and it kept Hero company even if he didn’t want it at all (He couldn't bring himself to push it away). “Why did I have to be born with a brother like you? You’re the worst.” It said. “You do nothing with your life, you continue to waste away in your own filth — you’re nothing but a waste of space. Worthless.”
Hero gets irritated at that. “Kel would never say such a thing.”
“But you don’t deny it, do you?” Something smiled slyly as orange ichor dripped down.
Hero doesn’t respond and Something takes that answer as a yes.
“It’s all your fault.”
“I know.” And that’s why Hero is going to fix it.