Leave Us In Ruins

by sunsetfields

Summary:

They used to plan their dreams together, yet Sunoo doesn’t know how it happened when Heeseung starts building his future without him in it anymore.

2015

The first time Sunoo saw Heeseung, it was a Monday night at the coffee shop he started working.

Well, he didn’t actually saw him the moment he entered the café because he was too preoccupied with the influx of assignments their professors gave them when it was just their first day of college. He heard him first before he saw him. With his head down, eyes flickering between his notebook and cellphone, he didn’t notice Heeseung standing in front of the counter. 

“Are you aware that what you’re doing is unethical?” Those were the first words he uttered.

Surprised and ashamed, Sunoo looked up like a deer caught in headlights. Setting aside his school stuff, he immediately took his coffee order: a venti-sized iced americano with six extra shots of espresso. When Sunoo started to make the coffee, it dawned to him how absurd this coffee would taste like. He fixed his grimace expression as he placed the coffee on the tray. “Iced Americano for Heeseung.”

Heeseung immediately grabbed his coffee, and then he turned around to leave the café. Although, before he could exit through the doors, he glanced back at Sunoo, who was busy operating the cash register. Groaning internally, he went back by the counter, impatiently tapping his office shoe on the white-tiled floor until Sunoo would regard him.

And, he did.

There was a surprised look on his face again when his eyes landed on Sunoo. “Did you forget anything, Sir?”

“Your assignment.” Was the only thing he said which made Sunoo tilt his head in confusion. “Is Business Management your course?”

Sunoo nodded, not really knowing where this was going. “Yes. I’m having a hard time understanding our topic. I’m sorry if it bothered you.”

“May I see your answer?”

Sunoo squeaked loudly, grabbing his notebook and clutching it close to his chest. “Why? What if you’ll laugh at my answers?”

Heeseung scoffed. “I’m trying to help you here.”

Then realization dawned into Sunoo as he hesitantly gave Heeseung his notebook. The older guy took it, his eyes scanning over his notebook, and Sunoo could not calm himself down when in the midst of Heeseung scrutinizing his answer, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Uh, is there something wrong, Sir?” Sunoo asked in such a tiny voice, completely intimidated.

Heeseung closed the notebook, giving it to him back. “Everything’s correct. However, your grammar needs to do a little bit of fixing.” Sunoo, being the complete idiot that he was, only stared at Heeseung in complete disbelief. “But that’s fine. You did good for someone who doesn’t quite understand this topic.”

“Ah, okay.” Sunoo said, quite dumbly. He really couldn’t help but think, do part-time workers really experience weird incidents like this during their shift? Such as customers helping you out in your assignment that you are struggling with? Despite the suddenness of the whole situation, Sunoo offered Heeseung a wide grin. “Thank you for helping me out, Sir.”

Heeseung only nodded in response, and then he was out of the café in a few seconds.

Needless to say, Sunoo did get a good remark for his first assignment. The only problem was that he didn’t bother reconstructing his explanation like what Heeseung told him to do, which was Sunoo’s fault, honestly. But, it was fine.

 

☕

 

There were not as many people as usual inside the coffee shop: three teenage girls chatting rather loudly near the windows. A man who just bought two coffees and then he went out of the café to smoke at the designated area. Fed up with the same old music that kept playing on the café’s speakers, Sunoo zoned out the rest of the song; instead, he found amusement in listening to the teenage girls talking amongst themselves.

So far, everything was going fine, even if the three teenage girls left the café a few minutes ago.

It was fine until it was not.

Not when Heeseung came back into the coffee shop on a Friday night, still wearing his work clothes. 

Startled, Sunoo quickly leaped off the stool to hide behind the counter. He was afraid of facing the older guy, especially if he would ask about the result of the assignment he made. He was also scared of making himself look like an idiot again. Once was already enough.

“Why are you hiding?” He heard him ask, and the sudden voice shocked him to the point of bumping his head on the slightly ajar drawer. Sunoo winced in pain, and Heeseung just stared at him blankly.

“I’m just looking for something, Sir.”

Heeseung for sure didn’t believe his lame excuse, but he didn’t bother mentioning it. Rather, he asked him something that Sunoo was dreading not to hear from him.  “So, how was your assignment? Did you get a high score?”

Sunoo rubbed his nape, sheepishly. “Yeah, I did. But, I didn’t fix my grammar just like you asked me to.” 

“Ah, is that why you hid when you saw me?” Heeseung raised his eyebrow, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Were you afraid that I’d be angry?”

“Well, you got mad at me when I was just answering my assignment, in case you forgot about that, Sir.” Sunoo leaned forward, squinting his eyes as if challenging Heeseung.

Unfazed, Heeseung just shrugged at him. “I still stand by what I said before, it really was unethical. Anyway, I just passed by to ask regarding your assignment. Glad to hear that you got a high score.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Sunoo softly replied, leaning back as if he didn’t just narrowed his eyes at him.  “You helped me a lot, so I owe you.”

“You did most of the part; I just checked your answers.” There was no further discussion after that which led Heeseung to bid Sunoo goodbye. Albeit a bit awkward, he raised his hand in an attempt to wave. Sunoo returned the gesture, but he was more at ease as if he’s done this a thousand times before.

His boss, Yeonjun, entered the café just as Heeseung was leaving. Walking past each other, his boss managed to catch a glimpse of the customer and there was a look on Yeonjun’s face as if he recognized Heeseung. “You two know each other?”

Do they? Sunoo hasn’t even asked for Heeseung’s name at that point. And yet, they already had small talks and a tiny bit of banter if you ask him. So, what should he even answer to his boss?

“He bought something last Monday, then we had a small talk. So, yeah, maybe we kind of know each other.” He left it at that.

“Ah!” Yeonjun suddenly chirped. Sunoo made a face of puzzlement at his boss’ reaction. “That guy—he went in here last night as if he was looking for something. I asked him though, but he just ignored me. Such a rude man. After that, he just left. Maybe it was you who he was looking for.”

“Huh?” Sunoo spluttered, clearly not prepared to hear that.

Yeonjun only laughed at his reaction as he entered inside his small office. “Anyway, now that I’m already here, you can go home.”

Eager to go home, Sunoo immediately fixed his mess, took his bag out of the small cabinet, and pressed his thumb on the biometrics near his boss’ office. When he was good to go, he bid goodbye to his boss and ran off the café.

Sunoo went home that night with the thought of Heeseung coming back to the coffee shop looking for him. It was impossible. The older guy wouldn’t do that. Right?

 

☕

 

The third time Sunoo happened to stumble upon Heeseung, the younger one was slumped back on the wooden chair at a quaint coffee shop, his head falling backward with his eyes closed, exhaustion visible on his face. It has never occurred to him that pursuing college could be so mentally and emotionally draining. On top of that, he thought being in a city like Seoul would be exhilarating, but all he does is miss the family he left back home in Suwon to run after his dreams.  Mundane – that was what his life currently feels like. This wasn’t really what he was expecting.

“You okay?”

Sunoo froze, slowly opening his eyes and sitting up properly until he caught a glimpse of Heeseung standing across his table. It was as if the air in his lungs suddenly left out of his body because out of all the places he expected to see Heeseung; it certainly wasn’t in this small coffee shop just a few blocks from his dorm. Sunoo stared at him, his eyes glancing from head to toe. It wasn’t the first time he saw Heeseung dressed in his office clothes, but it quite hits differently when he saw it in broad daylight. Beautiful .

He shook his head, erasing the thought from his head. Heeseung was still staring at him with a worried look in his eyes that Sunoo failed to notice. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You don’t know how to lie.” Heeseung mumbled and his reply irked Sunoo.

“Then why’d you ask if you’re not going to believe me?” Dodging the retort, Heeseung sat on the chair across Sunoo instead, leaning back as he folded his arms on his chest. “What are you doing?”

Rather than replying, he asked him. “Are you having a hard time in your classes?”

Sighing, Sunoo nodded. “I’m dumb, okay?” He blurted out before he could stop himself. He really didn’t mean to be pessimistic, but truthfully speaking, Sunoo knew he wasn’t academically inclined ever since high school. Even so, that didn’t stop him from taking a leap of faith. He can’t give up now. Not when he tried so hard and struggled balancing his studies and part-time job.

Heeseung squinted his eyes at him in distaste. “You’re not dumb. You just need a little help, but you’re not dumb.” Utterly astonished, Sunoo couldn’t think of a response, so he just let out a resigned sigh that didn’t go unnoticed by Heeseung. “Take a small break. I’ll do this.” 

Sitting back on his chair comfortably, he was unsure of what he was supposed to do or react. So, Sunoo just watched Heeseung in bemusement as he diligently scanned through his notes. He didn’t even know why this guy in front of him was willingly helping him with his schoolwork. If he was frank, he was skeptical about this whole thing. Who would actually take their time, especially a stranger, to help another stranger—a college student—with his assignments? This good-looking guy, probably.

Thoughts began to run in his head, such as: what if this guy would ask money from him in return? What if he was being punked? What if he was doing this so that he can tell Sunoo that he owes him? What if he’d use this as a form of bribery so he can order Sunoo around? Holy fuck , he thought. He should probably ask for his name for future purposes if his assumptions would end up being true.

“Sir,” Sunoo suddenly called out. Heeseung snapped his head up to look at him. “I still don’t know your name. I think it’s inappropriate for me to call you a customer with a weird coffee order.”

Unexpectedly, Heeseung laughed at this and Sunoo wasn’t expecting his stomach churning at the sound. “Heeseung Lee. What about you?”

“Sunoo. Sunoo Kim.” He answered. Heeseung only hummed in response before going back to scan the papers messily scattered on the table. “Can I ask how old are you?”

Heeseung dropped the pen he was holding, staring up at Sunoo through his lashes. “I don’t know, can you?”

Sunoo rolled his eyes. “So?”

“Twenty-five." Heeseung answered, "and I’m guessing you’re eighteen?”

Sunoo nodded. With the way, Heeseung looks fairly young, clad in a cream-colored polo shirt tucked neatly in the dark trousers that fit perfectly on him, Sunoo wouldn't have guessed he was twenty-five. In contrast to him, dressed in hoodie and sweatpants, and most likely, his hair unkempt. He probably looks older than Heeseung due to stress and sleep deprivation.

However, the fact that he was seven years older than Sunoo, and he was dressed in office clothes, shouldn't he be working at this hour? Or does he have anything better to do with his life rather than being stuck here with him.

Before Sunoo could stop his mouth from running wild, he asked. "Don’t you have a job? I mean, I appreciate all the help, but I’m just wondering since you’re wearing that type of clothes.”

Heeseung looked at Sunoo quizzically, then down at his clothes, then back to Sunoo. "I do have work, but it’s my coffee break right now. Accidentally found you in the middle of a crisis and I thought it’s about school, so I decided to approach you.”

"What? ” Sunoo exclaimed, indignant. "It should’ve been you who should rest or enjoy in your leisure time, why are you helping me?”

Heeseung waved him off. "It's fine, honestly." Sunoo was about to protest, but Heeseung continued talking. "I can see myself in you when I was still in college. It was very hard, so I suppose offering a hand would help lessen the burden you’re carrying.”

There was only silence that loomed between them, then Heeseung added: "But, if it makes you uncomfortable that I’m meddling with these,” he points at the papers, “you can just tell me, okay? No hard feelings.”

"Oh, no. It’s okay. This is more than okay.” He assured him. "I’m just curious why you’re so willing to help me, and I got suspicious with your intention, maybe you wanted to do something in return.”

Heeseung quirked an eyebrow and Sunoo nervously laughed. "If it’s not obvious, I’m poor. I don’t have a luxurious life, so I can’t pay you back if you’ll tutor me in the future."

"I’m not asking you to pay me. Just consider this as an act of kindness." Heeseung told him, a soft smile gracing his lips.

It was a nice sight to behold—Heeseung smiling. Sure, they only met three times if you count their encounter today, and so far, he's seen the guy with a stoic expression all the time. Therefore, seeing him smile like that was enough for Sunoo's heart to skip a beat inside his chest.

"Okay, but..." He bit his lip, unsure if he was really going to say it or just leave it at that. "Don’t compromise your break time for me, please?”

Heeseung nodded in understanding, then an idea suddenly popped into his mind. "Are you going to work tomorrow?"

"My work schedule is during Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only."

"How about this, I’ll help you with your schoolwork tomorrow. I don’t have anything to do anyway."

Sunoo eyed him, skeptically. Is he really serious about this? He went quiet for a moment, unsure of what to reply. He got Heeseung's point though, as to why he wants to help, but what else would he gain from this? Sunoo's the only one who can benefit if he agrees.

After a few minutes of silence, rather than answering, he asked him. "Are you sure? Like, really, really, sure?"

"As long as you’re okay with this, then, I'm sure." Heeseung simply answered.

"Okay, sure." Sunoo nodded in agreement, then Heeseung gave him his phone and he had a hard time figuring out what he was supposed to do.

"Let's exchange phone numbers for easier communication."

Realizing what he meant, Sunoo immediately grabbed his own phone on the table, giving it to Heeseung as he took his phone with his other hand. When they were done typing in their contact details, they switched phones again and Sunoo shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants.

Heeseung took a glimpse of the watch on his wrist, then he said, "I’ll get back to my work. I’ll see you tomorrow at ten in the morning?”

Sunoo internally groaned because waking up early on a Sunday morning was something he despised. However, he agreed since this is the least he can do for Heeseung. After they exchanged their goodbyes and Heeseung left the coffee shop, Sunoo slumped back in his seat, sighing loudly and heavily. What did I just get myself into?

 

☕

  

Later that evening, when he was about to sleep, he took his phone under his pillow and decided to text Heeseung.

[Me, 12:02 AM] hello heeseung-ssi can i ask whats ur fave food? (o˘◡˘o)

[Heeseung, 12:02 AM] The way you type is so atrocious.

Sunoo didn't have any clue what atrocious meant. So, he chose to ignore it.

[Heeseung, 12:03 AM] I like ramen. Why do you ask?

[Me, 12:03 AM] nothing hehe!! (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

[Me, 12:04 AM] oh uhm hehe can i wait for u at the coffee shop? idk where ur house is

[Heeseung, 12:04 AM] Okay, I'll come pick you up then.

[Me, 12:04 AM] ok!! (´｡• ᵕ •｡`)

Sunoo's fingers paused, contemplating whether he should send another message or not. Whatever, he thought as he hit send.

[Me, 12:07 AM] goodnight heeseung-ssi! (⌒‿⌒)

[Heeseung, 12:07 AM] Good night, Sunoo.

Sunoo slept that night with a smile on his lips.

 

☕

 

Morning came, and Sunoo found himself standing outside the coffee shop, holding a black bag filled with food and drinks as a form of compensation since he couldn’t pay him in monetary form. He waited patiently, leaning against a pillar where he could be easily seen, kicking stones that were gathered around his feet. 

Looking for something that would appease the growing boredom he felt, he decided to take a good glimpse of the area. He never used to bat an eye at this place since he couldn’t see clearly during his night shift at the coffee shop. But he decided that today was a good day to try something new.

And he wasn’t disappointed.

A few people were biking and wandering, the birds were chirping as they flew across the cloudless sky, and the sun was up, bursting its sunlight, but it didn’t burn his skin like Sunoo expected it to. Instead, it was warm and radiant.

Heeseung arrived at precisely ten in the morning. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy, just in his home clothes. Seeing him dressed like this made Sunoo comfortable because it felt as if he was meeting a new friend he made in college.

“Good morning. I hope you didn’t wait that long for me.” Heeseung said upon reaching where Sunoo was standing.

“It’s okay, no worries.” Sunoo smiled and then he remembered the black bag he was holding. “Oh, I bought a cup of ramen and coffee.”

“Ah,” Heeseung exclaimed as if he figured something out. “That’s the reason why you asked me last night what my favorite food was.”

Abashed, Sunoo looked away as he nodded. “It’s the least I can do.”

“Well then, thank you.” Heeseung smiled, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. “Let’s go?”

The walk from the coffee shop to Heeseung’s apartment was such a short distance that Sunoo didn’t even notice he was already standing in front of Heeseung’s door. Then, it hit him.

What the hell am I doing? Why am I here?

How could Heeseung be so confident and comfortable in inviting Sunoo into his apartment? How could Sunoo also be so assured that Heeseung wasn’t a bad person? They didn’t even know each other aside from their names and ages. They only met thrice, and two of their interactions were Heeseung helping Sunoo with his studies, and one was them just talking—still about Sunoo’s assignments. How could a twenty-five-year-old guy, who has a job, willingly help an eighteen-year-old boy with university responsibilities? Was Heeseung okay about all of this?

Before he could cloud his thoughts with doubt, Heeseung patted him on his shoulder. “I cooked breakfast in case you haven’t eaten anything yet.”

“Nice.” Sunoo replied, unintelligently.

Heeseung snorted as he opened the door of his apartment. They both took off their shoes at the doorway and then Heeseung led them to the kitchen where there was a small dining table with two plates filled with pancakes, and there were also two mugs placed neatly beside it.

The apartment was cozy, yet minimalistic with the monochromatic walls, decors and furniture that complimented the marble flooring and the succulents that were lined up at the window sills. The apartment wasn’t big per se, but with how organized and clean it was, it created an illusion that it was spacious. Heeseung’s apartment really felt like his.

“You were overthinking earlier, right? It was so evident with the way the wrinkles on your forehead were showing.” Heeseung suddenly spoke as he sat on the chair. Sunoo sat across from him, embarrassed and afraid that he got caught. “It’s my fault for appearing so out of the blue, and then I’m doing all of these things when we don’t know each other that well. But, believe me, I don’t have any ulterior motives with this.”

“It’s just that, you already have a job and I don’t know, maybe you have much better things to do during your free time, but why this? Why help me?” Sunoo couldn’t help but ask.

“Honestly, at first I was just being nosy, and maybe a bit of a perfectionist because I already took a glimpse of your answers before I even had the chance to ask you if I could borrow your notebook. I knew I had to say something, and then the day after that, I don’t know but, I came back hoping I could see you and at least check how your assignment went.” Heeseung explained.

It made Sunoo look back to the time when he thought his boss, Yeonjun, was lying when he told him that Heeseung was looking for him. So, it really was the truth. 

“I thought that would be the end, you know? I didn’t expect to see you at the coffee shop, obviously stressed out. I knew you were having a hard time surviving college because I’ve been in your shoes before, and I guessed you were also having a hard time adjusting in a new city, am I right?”

“Yeah,” Sunoo sighed. “I actually came from Suwon. I left home to come here just to study in college.”

“So, you see, there’s a part of me that thinks that maybe you don’t need my help, that I should just leave you alone. But, there’s the other part of me that wants to reach out because it’s difficult. Too difficult to be in a city where you’re unfamiliar with and you’re miles away from your family.”

Their food has probably gone cold by now, but Sunoo was far more interested as to what Heeseung still has to say.

“I chose the latter, obviously. However, I didn’t intend to scare you. I just really want to make things easier for you, but I think it came off the wrong way, so I apologize.”

Sunoo drew in a sharp breath, not seeing this conversation coming. Frankly, what Heeseung did for Sunoo was quite dubious at the beginning. And yet, hearing his reason, the younger one couldn’t even grasp the idea that someone out there—a stranger—was nice enough to be there for him.

“Thank you.” Sunoo was really at a loss for words, but he hoped that was enough to convey how sincerely thankful he was for the older guy.

“If you’d like, we can get to know each other. In that way, we can be comfortable around each other.” Heeseung suggested, taking a bite of his pancake.

Sunoo followed suit since he was getting kind of hungry too. “Okay, I’ll start since I tend to overshare.”

On that fine Sunday morning, Sunoo learned that Heeseung was born and raised in Uiwang, and he has an older brother who is living abroad, while his parents are now living in a peaceful suburban area, which he often visits when he has the time. Sunoo also found out that Heeseung was a Business Management graduate and worked at BH Inc.—one of the top-rising technology companies in Korea.

“Seriously? So you’re some kind of a big shot.” Sunoo amusingly said.

Heeseung chuckled, “Yes, seriously. But, I still don’t consider myself as a big shot since I’m still working really hard right now to be promoted as the General Manager since I was informed that I’m qualified for the position.”

“ Holy shit . Stop downplaying yourself, you are a big shot.” His voice was teasing and Heeseung couldn’t help but be smug about his job. Sunoo didn’t mind it though, Heeseung has every right to be proud of what he has achieved since he obviously worked extremely hard to be in that company.

On the other hand, Heeseung learned that Sunoo only has his mother and older sister. He didn’t disclose any information about his father, and Heeseung didn’t push it, which Sunoo was grateful for. Sunoo also mentioned that he was a Business Management student since no other course caught his attention. This made Heeseung laugh.

“Well, studying business can be quite boring at times, but mostly it’s complex if you’ll be delving more into major topics. Although for me, what really matters most is the job that you’ll pursue after you graduate because if you can’t work at a place that doesn’t excite you every waking morning, then it’s quite useless.”

Sunoo nodded, understanding what Heeseung meant. “It’s still okay, right? To not think of work or anything related to the future?”

“Yeah, there’s no need to rush. You still have a lot of time to figure out the things that you want or you don’t want to do.” His words gave some sort of assurance and relief to Sunoo.

This wasn’t really what Sunoo had in mind when he agreed to meet up with Heeseung, but it was nice. Great, even. And without even knowing how or when it evolved into a habit, they started spending every Sunday with each other’s company.

 

 

2016

At first, Sunoo wasn’t even sure what he should be expecting when he started hanging out with Heeseung. Most of the time, Sunoo would lounge on the sofa, watch movies or volleyball matches, and sometimes bring his schoolwork with him if he found it quite challenging to comprehend. Meanwhile, Heeseung would welcome him as if he had already lived in his apartment for such a long time. They would either laze around or work on their respective tasks.

Frequently, Heeseung would visit Sunoo at the coffee shop, but other times he wouldn’t due to his work. He would inform the younger by sending a text if he would be coming or not, then he’d add a Get home safely, Sunoo. In return, Sunoo would reply with a simple, thank u hyung!! ╰(▔∀▔)╯

Gone were the formalities and shyness they once harbored the more time they spent together.

Nonetheless, it was fun. Being with Heeseung was fun.

But being with Heeseung brought a new feeling to Sunoo, who went into overdrive. He kept thinking what was wrong with him when he started having these weird flutters inside his stomach whenever Heeseung would lean towards him from across the table whenever they work or when he would peer over Sunoo’s shoulder from behind to take a peek at his answers.

When his heart would start hammering so loud, he became afraid that Heeseung would hear it, especially when he would get too close whenever they would sit too close on such a spacious couch. Sunoo didn’t have any idea as to what was happening.

It all came to a realization that he romantically liked Heeseung when he fell asleep in the middle of studying with his arm stretched across the table, using it as a pillow for his head to rest on. However, Sunoo was a light sleeper, so when he suddenly felt a blanket being draped over him, he woke up but decided not to open his eyes yet. He then heard shuffling; he felt Heeseung sitting beside him. What he didn’t expect to happen was: Heeseung grabbing his hand, which was on his lap, tracing circles on the back of his hand—softly, just barely there, but Sunoo’s breath hitched when Heeseung suddenly linked their hands together.

Sunoo knew he should do something because what the hell was happening?

And yet, he let Heeseung hold his hand a little longer, astonished at how they fit perfectly together.

Figuring out that he has feelings for Heeseung wasn’t a holy shit I have a crush on him, what the fuck do I do? moment, it was more of a tiny oh because liking him finally gave light to all these weird sensations he began to experience. Or simply because liking Heeseung just felt right.

 

☕

 

With the knowledge that he has feelings for Heeseung, Sunoo just carried on with his life. There was no need for confessions because that would only complicate things between them, and that was not what Sunoo wanted.  Besides, they were from two different worlds, meaning: Heeseung was up there—having a career where he can still grow and a stable life. Sunoo, on the other hand, was a struggling college student who works part-time at the coffee shop. The older guy would obviously choose someone better, and that was okay. Harsh, but at least it kept Sunoo from getting any false hope.

But that false hope came to test when Heeseung called Sunoo on a Thursday night. 

“Hyung?” Sunoo questioned, clearly not expecting for the older guy to call him at this hour. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Heeseung answered. Then, with an obvious tone of happiness in his voice, he added. “Sunoo, I got promoted.”

“What the fuck? Are you serious?!” Sunoo shrieked. Jungwon, his roommate, sent him a glare before going back to whatever he was doing. “Hyung, I’m so happy for you. You deserve that. You, out of all people, deserve that.”

“Thank you, Sunoo.” Heeseung breathed out, still a bit dumbfounded by the news. “Actually, I called because I was wondering if you’re free this Sunday?”

“I’m always free on Sundays, hyung. Why’d you ask?”

“Do you want to celebrate with me?”

Sunoo sat up on his bed briskly, making himself dizzy in the end. “Me?”

“Yeah.”

Why me? Sunoo wanted to ask, but the words died down on his tongue before it could even come out. Rather, he asked this: “You don’t have anyone else to celebrate it with?”

Way to fucking go, idiot.

“Well, you’re the only one I want to celebrate it with.” Heeseung said it so easily it threw Sunoo off-guard. His heart started beating erratically, gripping on the phone in his hands a little bit tightly. Heeseung took Sunoo’s silence as a rejection, so he said: “But, if you’re busy that day or if you don’t want to, you can decline. It’s fine, Sunoo.”

Clearly, it wasn’t fine for Heeseung, but Sunoo didn’t have to know that.

“No!” Sunoo protested. “I mean, sure, I’ll celebrate with you, hyung.”

Heeseung seemed to brighten up, his tone a bit livelier than before. “So, I’ll see you at dinner time this Sunday?”

“See you, hyung.” Sunoo mumbled, suppressing himself from blurting out something stupid.

Sunoo may have not seen it, but he knew Heeseung was smiling when he uttered, “Good night, Sunoo.”

“Good night.” Sunoo responded after a minute before dropping the call.

When the call ended, Jungwon was already sitting at the edge of his bed, his eyebrow raised, intrigued. Sunoo took more than a minute to collect himself—running his hand through his hair, tugging them forcefully until he winced in pain, taking deep breaths in between—before he fully focused his attention on Jungwon who stared at him with worried eyes.

“Heeseung hyung got promoted.” Sunoo started off with that. “So, he invited me this Sunday to celebrate.”

“Oh, then? Isn’t that what you always do? You spend most of your Sundays at his apartment anyway.” Jungwon said as a matter-of-fact, not having any idea what got Sunoo so worked up.

“I know, but he has friends and workmates that he could invite to celebrate, but he invited me. Me. Jungwon, me!” Sunoo wheezed, pointing at himself on the chest. “And do you know what he said? He said I’m the only one he wants to celebrate his promotion with. What the fuck does he mean by that?”

Realization dawned into Jungwon, his mouth forming a tiny ‘o’ and his eyes wide in pure disbelief. “You dense motherfucker! It’s fucking obvious that he likes you.”

“Are you even sure?” Sunoo wanted to entertain the idea of Heeseung liking him back, but it felt far-fetched.

“Dumbass, he got promoted and he specifically wants you to be there to celebrate with him. Now, tell me, how’d you interpret that?”  

Sunoo seemed to hesitate for a bit, but then he replied, quite unsurely. “He asked because we’re friends?”

Jungwon groaned, brows knitting together and his lips pressed into a thin line. “You already told me that he has friends and workmates, but he didn’t invite them. So, what makes you different from the rest of them, Sunoo?”

Sunoo buried his face into his hands, his legs kicking in frustration. “Shit, wait, I don’t fucking know!” He snapped his head up to look at Jungwon in anguish.

Getting somehow worried over his friend, Jungwon placed both of his hands on the other’s shoulders, gripping them in a placating manner. “Hey, calm down. Don’t get too ahead of yourself. Just wait and see how things will play out.”

“You’re so smart when it comes to these things, but you get stupid in class most of the time. Why’s that?” Sunoo jokes, trying to lighten up the mood. Offended, Jungwon smacked him on the back of his head.

“Well, at least I’m smart, unlike you—you’re stupid in both!.” Jungwon huffed as he went back to his own bed.

“But, hey, thanks, Jungwon.” Sunoo mumbled, plopping on his bed. “This all feels new to me, you know? I mean, I had countless crushes before, but none of them made me feel something like Heeseung did.”

“You really like Heeseung that much?”

“So much.”

Liking Heeseung was something Sunoo had never seen coming.

Coming to Seoul, Sunoo was only fixated on college and being able to graduate. He never expected to cross paths with someone like Heeseung in the first place. Their personalities don’t even match; their lifestyle and upbringing are way too different.

Sunoo has always been passionate about the things he loves, even if he has to take an extra mile of effort because he wasn’t born on a silver platter. He wasn’t particularly great at anything, so all he had to offer was his determination.

Whereas Heeseung was gifted, well, according to Sunoo anyway. Heeseung, who was exceptionally smart for his good, was also very meticulous and neat. And, Sunoo, he wasn’t all that.

The last thing that popped in his head before dozing off was: It’s really impossible not to fall for someone like Heeseung Lee.  

 

☕

 

Sunday came in a blink of an eye, much to Sunoo’s dismay. He barely had an ounce of sleep last night, thinking about what to do, what to wear, or how to act in a way that wouldn’t give away his feelings for the older guy. He kept tossing and turning around on his bed, sheets ruffling noisily, which resulted in a physical fight with Jungwon, who had enough of Sunoo’s antics. Sure enough, he did not only have dark circles under his eyes the moment he woke up, but he also had blooming bruises on his arms.

When he was all dressed and prepared, he looked at himself in the mirror one last time. His clothes weren’t anything fancy, just a simple pastel-colored sweater and dark jeans. Sunoo deemed this as presentable enough. Besides, this was just a small celebration in Heeseung’s apartment, nothing to get uneasy about.

But, he was. Uneasy about all of this. The feeling intensified when he went out of their dorm and started walking to Heeseung’s apartment—the path seemed entirely familiar for Sunoo, and it was the only thing that kept him moving forward.

Once he arrived in front of Heeseung’s door, these were what he did before knocking: he tried steadying his breathing, counting from one to ten, and clenching and unclenching his fists. Too busy calming himself, the door opened wide, and no amount of soothing himself was enough to prepare his heart when standing right before Sunoo was Heeseung, looking perfect as ever.

“Hi, Sunoo.” Heeseung said, stepping aside to let him enter. “I’m still setting up the table, then after that we can have dinner.”

Sunoo nodded. “Let me help you, hyung.”

“You’re my visitor, you shouldn’t be doing that, Sunoo.” Heeseung chuckled, padding his way to the kitchen while Sunoo followed him.

“It’s totally fine. I get awkward just standing here as I watch you prepare dinner.” He insisted and the older guy’s resolve crumbled down because he knew Sunoo wouldn’t back down that easily.

“Okay, just put these utensils on the table, and then I’ll bring the food.” Heeseung instructed and Sunoo gave him a salute before grabbing the utensils on the kitchen counter. The other cracked a smile at that.

 

☕

 

Dinner was surprisingly pleasant.

They talked about Heeseung’s promotion for almost half an hour and Sunoo watched him with a delicate warmth engulfing his heart every single time Heeseung’s entire face lit up when talking about his work. His face barely held any emotions, and yet, under the orange hue of the dining room’s light, he looked beautiful. Undeniably so.

Hours after hours of talking, they barely noticed the empty wine bottle on the table that they had consumed minutes ago. Their cheeks were already dusted with a tinge of red, their visions starting to swirl in motion, and their heads beginning to get hazy. Even so, Heeseung took all the liberty of cleaning up the contents on the dining table while Sunoo remained seated on the chair, his face buried in the palm of his hands, trying to sober himself up.

It was pointless, really.

“Sunoo,” he heard Heeseung softly whisper his name. Sunoo felt the older guy’s presence beside him, so when he removed his hands away from his face and turned his head around to look at Heeseung, he was utterly shocked when he found himself in such close proximity with Heeseung’s face.

Up close, Sunoo could see how dark Heeseung’s orbs were that it would definitely put the darkest core of the Earth in envy. None of them pulled away. Too shocked to move or maybe too enthralled with each other’s eyes that held too many emotions, none of them can decipher each one.

“Sunoo.” Heeseung whispered once again, but this time, his breath fanned over Sunoo’s lips that it made his skin tingle akin to goose bumps. “Can I kiss you?”

“I don’t know, hyung. Can you?” Sunoo knew. He knew that doing this while they were both intoxicated was wrong. However, for Sunoo, intoxicated or sober, he still wants to kiss Heeseung regardless. “Of course, you can.”

Sunoo had imagined kissing Heeseung before. He had imagined something cliché like under the pouring rain, perhaps? Or maybe under the starry night sky when it would just be the two of them, and the sound of cicadas and the bustling noise of the city in the background.

Sunoo had imagined kissing Heeseung, but this kiss was nothing like that. It wasn’t cliché. Not under the pouring rain nor under the starry night sky. It was just them sitting beside each other at the dining table underneath the pendant lights.  

When Heeseung leaned forward and kissed him, his lips were soft yet it tasted like the wine they had earlier. Sunoo was sure he was intoxicated, but now for a different reason. This was nothing like what Sunoo had imagined, but it was definitely a hundred times better.

Heeseung pulled away, but his hands were still cupping Sunoo’s cheeks. He was wearing a tiny yet contented smile on his lips, and Sunoo couldn’t help but feel the euphoria blooming inside his heart. However, he should have known that this moment was only fleeting. A too good to be true kind of scenario that he should have seen coming, but he didn’t because being rational was out of the picture.

Thoughts—vile and dark—crept into his skin, slowly yet unyielding.  

What am I even doing? Seriously, Sunoo, Out of all people, you choose Heeseung? Heeseung who practically has everything? He’s way out of your league for someone like you who doesn’t even have anything to prove yet.

Sunoo harshly took Heeseung’s hands away from his face and then he stood up, completely ignoring the way the older guy’s face contorted into a pained expression. “I’ll get going first, hyung. Thanks for the dinner, and congratulations once again.”

He rushed towards the door, disregarding the hurried calls from Heeseung as he descended down the stairs and out of the building. Sunoo may have small feet, but he could run fast because running away from his problems was something he was definitely good at.

Sunoo imagined kissing Heeseung, but it didn’t end up like this. In his dreams, he was engulfed by Heeseung’s warm embrace and they were both happy. In reality, he was sitting on a curb, blocks away from Heeseung’s apartment building, crying his heart out.

Unwanted regret started sinking deep in his bones. 

 

☕

 

 

[Heeseung hyung, Mon. 7:09 AM] Good morning, Sunoo.

[Heeseung hyung, Mon. 7:09 AM] Can we talk?

[Heeseung hyung, Mon. 9:13 AM] Sunoo? Are you awake?

[Heeseung hyung, Mon. 8:12 PM] Why aren’t you at the coffee shop?

[Heeseung hyung, Mon. 8:20 PM] I kept on calling you but it seems like your phone is turned off.

[Heeseung hyung, Mon. 11:08 PM] Good night, Sunoo.

[Heeseung hyung, Tues. 8:05 AM] Good morning, Sunoo.

[Heeseung hyung, Tues. 8:06 AM] I don’t know if you’re reading my messages or not, but I hope we can talk soon.

[Heeseung hyung, Tues. 9:24 PM] Why did you ran away when you saw me?

[Me, Tues. 9:26 PM] idk hyung Message failed to send.

[Me, Tues. 9:26 PM] why did i end up falling for you   Message failed to send.

[Heeseung hyung, Wed. 00:02 AM] Good night, Sunoo.

[Heeseung hyung, Wed. 00:10 AM] I miss you.

[Me, Wed. 00:10 AM] i miss you too Message failed to send.

[Heeseung hyung, Wed. 10:45 AM] Good morning, Sunoo. I really want to talk to you.

[Me, Wed. 10:48 AM] hyung im scared Message failed to send.

[Me, Wed. 10:50 AM] i don’t want to lose you Message failed to send.

[Heeseung hyung, Wed. 9:17 PM] Passed by at the coffee shop and you weren’t there.

[Heeseung hyung, Wed. 9:20 PM] I miss you and it’s driving me crazy. I really want to see you.

 

☕

 

Sunoo’s phone kept on vibrating with new notification coming from Heeseung, and even if he had already shoved it underneath his pillows, it was just a futile attempt, really. Itching to view what Heeseung had texted him, he would reach out for his phone to read, but he won’t click on the notification to respond because he was too much of a coward to do so.

Frankly speaking, he was scared.

Sunoo never envisioned himself to depend so much on a person when he moved to a big city. He thought he would have to face such cruel circumstances, he felt as though he would barely make it through college, and he thought it would be him against the world. But then Heeseung came.

Heeseung, who was the total opposite of Sunoo.

He was scared because feelings were never supposed to come in between them. It just happened, and even if he could say that he has no control over it–he actually has. He let himself feel something for Heeseung because, with the older guy, Sunoo feels safe. With Heeseung around, Seoul no longer feels like a foreign city; instead, it feels like home. And with home, Sunoo feels loved.

“Why are you ignoring him?” Jungwon had finally asked when Sunoo’s phone wouldn't seem to stop ringing.

Heeseung has been persistently calling Sunoo and the younger guy was too reluctant to answer. Completely unsure of what would be the outcome of their conversation. It would either be: their friendship coming to an end or Heeseung actually likes him back. The former seemed more realistic than the latter.

“Isn’t this what you wanted in the first place?” Sunoo nodded timidly. He was getting agitated with the way Jungwon was standing at the foot of his bed, arms on his hips. “Then what’s stopping you from making things official? These problems aren’t going to fix themselves if you keep on running away instead of facing it head on.”

“I’m fucking scared, okay?” Sunoo snapped, his insecurity started dripping out of his mouth before he could even stop. “Heeseung already has everything. He can choose whoever he wants: someone his age or someone who could be fitting for him, and then there’s me—the only thing that keeps on playing inside my head ever since that incident is that why would he settle for someone like me?”

Jungwon’s eyes soften. “You know, you don’t have to resort into downgrading yourself. Even if you barely have any achievements in life as of now, you are still worthy to be loved, Sunoo.” Jungwon made his way to sit in front of his roommate, cross-legged on the bed. “Heeseung’s old enough to know what is right and what is wrong with the decisions he’s making in his life. You don’t get to decide that for him and we both know he doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark, Sunoo.”

Sunoo heaved a deep sigh, “But, what if–“

Jungwon decided to cut him off. “The only person who can answer all those what-ifs is the same person you’re pushing away.” He ruffled the other’s hair before standing up. “Just talk to him, Sunoo.” Then, he went inside the comfort room, leaving Sunoo in deep thought.

Well, not for long.

The phone on his hand rang unexpectedly and it made Sunoo jolt in his bed. He already had an inkling idea who was calling, but still, seeing Heeseung’s name on his phone screen made his heart thump out of nervousness.

He calmed himself down, regulated his breathing, and counted from three to one. Eventually, he answered the call.

“Sunoo,” The way Heeseung uttered his name was a bit breathless, like he was not expecting for the younger guy to pick up his phone. “you answered.”

“Hi, hyung.” Sunoo greeted despite the heaviness in his chest.

“You’re not working tonight?” Sunoo could hear a distinct chime of bells hitting on a glass door—similar to the ones they have at the coffee shop.

“Nope. We had a shift in our schedules.” Then, it dawned on him where Heeseung was. “Don’t tell me you’re at the coffee shop right now?”

“No.” Sunoo–even though he couldn’t see Heeseung–knew he was lying. He heard him breathe into the phone over the sound of the heavy patter of the rain.

“Liar.” He replied at the same time the sky emitted such a loud rumble. “The rain’s pouring down so hard, did you bring an umbrella?” When he didn’t receive an answer, he mentally cursed Heeseung. “Don’t go out of the coffee shop, hyung. I’m on my way.”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to do that.” Heeseung protested. “I can run to my apartment, you know it’s not that far.”

“It’s fine. Besides, I want to see you.” He didn’t really mean to say that out loud, but it was too late to take it back. “So, please, wait for me.”

Heeseung was taken aback to reply for a mere second. “Okay.” He finally muttered. “I’ll wait for you, Sunoo.” 

 

☕

 

Arriving at the coffee shop, the sound of the rain has lessened. And the raindrops have faded, creating a lilting sound, but the cold night breeze lingered around his skin, sending chills despite the thick layer of clothing Sunoo has on.

Immediately, he saw Heeseung standing by the door, clutching tightly on his messenger bag. Looking at him from afar, Sunoo couldn’t help but feel guilty for ignoring the older guy. For running away.

Even so, running away has always been Sunoo’s option, escaping from the thoughts that he knew would keep him up in the wee hours of the night, his pillows hearing the hushed cries he makes. Especially now, running away seemed like the better option because once he decided to stop, his mind would reel him back to Heeseung–so he ran again.

And yet, he has grown tired of running, especially if the person he runs away from catches up to him, and that’s when Sunoo realizes that running away only makes you worn out; it will never solve any problems.

Sunoo realizes that it’s better to stay put and solve the problem despite the pain it will cause him in the process. Rather than running away while carrying the baggage on his back without any plans of leaving them behind.

So instead, he stepped forward.

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

Closer to Heeseung.

“Hyung.” Heeseung was blinking rapidly, as if he couldn’t believe Sunoo was actually standing right in front of him. He looked completely surprised at first and it probably took him a minute or so to compose himself. “Let’s get you home.”

Still in the state of shock, he murmured: “But, I’m already home.”

Whipping his head as swiftly as he could, he stared at the older guy in bewilderment. He felt the blush rising to his cheeks. “Huh? Did you say something?”

Heeseung bit his bottom lip, shaking his head. “Nope.”

Liar.  

 

☕

 

Upon entering Heeseung’s apartment, Sunoo got hit with a sense of nostalgia–or maybe, uneasiness. This is it . He thought as he settled himself on the couch, while Heeseung went inside his room. His eyes avoided gazing at the kitchen because it would only drive him away from this confrontation that’s been long overdue.

When Heeseung came back, he was still wearing his work clothes. “You can stay here for the night, if you want.” He handed him a clean towel and an extra set of clothes. “I know the rain already stopped, but it will be too troublesome if you’re gonna go back to your dorm and the rain would start pouring again.”

“Uh,” Sunoo uttered, trying to find the right words as he fidgeted with the clothes and towel on his lap. “is it okay for you if I stay here?”

Heeseung cracked a small smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m the one who offered, Sunoo, which means I’m okay with it.”

“Ah, okay, thanks.” Sunoo spoke quietly. He fell silent right after that, he didn’t know what else to say–no, he did know what to say, but his throat closed as the words lay unsaid on the tip of his tongue.

Was this the right time to talk about the kiss? Was this the right time to confess? But how should he do it? He couldn’t just blurt it out all of a sudden. Heeseung deserves better than that after Sunoo had ignored him for days. Although Sunoo was never good with words, he was sure of what he felt for the older guy.

Love has never been something Sunoo could define–sure, there were many definitions for love that he could find in textbooks, on the internet, and dictionaries, yet none of it could exactly fit what he felt when he looked at Heeseung.

There was something about how Heeseung would pull down his mask to give Sunoo a faint yet genuine smile whenever he enters the coffee shop. There was something about how he would get excited every time they would pass by a dog even though he was grumpy most of the time. There was just something about Heeseung and the little things he did, the tiny gestures that he did to Sunoo that it may seem like it was nothing, but for Sunoo, it meant something.

So, maybe love has a lot of definitions. And for Sunoo, love is Heeseung.

“Sunoo.”

The older guy’s voice created havoc inside Sunoo’s chest. He locked gazes with Heeseung, his mouth suddenly went dry as his mind created different possible outcomes this conversation would have. Heeseung took reluctant steps, his eyes asking for permission to sit beside Sunoo. Why would you even ask when this is your apartment? He wanted to ask, but he remained silent. Heeseung sat beside him, leaving a respectable distance between them.

Resonating reticence descended over them as they stare at the speck of dust on the floor while a new set of raindrops fall from the sky, smashing roughly on the rooftops. The noise was supposed to fill in the stillness, but even the rain was not enough to drown out the awkward silence that loomed between them.

“What happened that Sunday night, I deeply regret it, Sunoo.”

Oh.

He really didn’t want to regret it. Kissing him, being with him, and loving him–Sunoo never regretted those. However, hearing them coming out from Heeseung’s mouth, straightforward and palpable, hurt. It was as if his words were a knife that pierced through his heart. Heeseung didn’t just regret it–he deeply regrets it. And that must mean something, right? He didn’t feel the same way. And no matter how hard Sunoo told himself again and again that Heeseung might not reciprocate the feelings he harbored, there was still a part of him–a skim of a flame–that hoped that Heeseung might. But that flame suddenly burned out as quickly as the words Heeseung uttered. 

“Sun–wait, why are you crying? Sunoo ?” Panic and worry settled on Heeseung’s visage as he reached out to hold the younger guy’s hands.

Sunoo closed his eyes tight; an overwhelming wave of sadness crashed into him. He didn’t realize he was already crying, not until Heeseung pointed it out. He felt really pathetic at the moment. Staring right through Heeseung’s eyes, he let the older guy see the pain coursing through his face.

“If you didn’t want to kiss me, hyung, you shouldn’t have asked in the first place.” Sunoo managed to let out despite his voice breaking at the end. He felt his hand trembling and he knew Heeseung felt it too with the way he was rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hands. “Yet, you did. You asked and I agreed. I let you kiss me because I thought it was you finally admitting that you felt something for me. Because I thought that kiss meant something to you. Because for me, it meant did, hyung. It meant something to me. Which is why it hurts to hear coming from you that you deeply regret it.”

“Sunoo, will you let me finish?” Heeseung quietly asked.

Sunoo made a frustrated noise. “And what, hyung? Is there something more hurtful than what you said earlier?”

“I’m in love with you!” Heeseung blurted and Sunoo didn’t even realize how close their faces were, not until he could see the way the older guy’s eyebrows furrowed. The way his eyes widened in surprise when he became aware of what he just said. The way his fingers placed on top of Sunoo’s hands twitched, not knowing what to do. His voice sounded rough when he continued talking, but he didn’t let it matter.

“I regret what I did that night because it felt like I was taking advantage of you when we were clearly intoxicated. But, given any circumstances, Sunoo, when we’re both sober and in the right state of mind, I would kiss the living daylights out of you. Only if you’d let me.” 

When Sunoo let his gaze wander around Heeseung's face, he was met with the older's eyes that flickered numerous emotions in just a mere second, that it was quite hard for Sunoo to decipher each one. But there was one emotion that he was familiar with. He also felt that emotion whenever he looked at Heeseung, and it was such a bizarre revelation if Sunoo was honest. It never occurred to Sunoo that Heeseung would also look at him longingly the same way he looked at the older guy.

  Sunoo lost all his inhibitions after that.

He gripped Heeseung’s hands, pulling the older guy towards him as he engulfed him with a warm embrace. He buried his face into the crook of Heeseung’s neck, and he could feel how the older guy wrapped his arms around Sunoo’s waist, tightening his hold. Heeseung was scared that if he didn’t hold Sunoo tightly, the younger guy would slip away from his grasp–he didn’t want that to happen again.

“Are you sure that you love me?” Sunoo finally asked although his voice was muffled.

“Yeah.” Heeseung breathed out, ignoring the way Sunoo’s lips moved against the skin of his neck. “I’m certain about you, Sunoo.”

“Even though I’d annoy you every now and then with my schoolwork?”

“Yes.”

“Even though I can only offer spicy ramen for you?”

Heeseung chuckled at that. “Yes, Sunoo. Besides, I’d rather choose you than spicy ramen.”

Sunoo pulled away from their hug. He was wearing a wide grin and despite the raging rain outside, it was as if Heeseung had his personal sun right in front of him–tangible and bright as ever.

“Good,” he giggled. “because I love you too, hyung.”

Heeseung was staring at him owlishly, drawing in a gasp. “Huh?”

“Heeseung, you, out of all people, deserve to be loved. Yesterday, now, and beyond—I loved you, I love you, and I will still love you.”

Tender. His voice was purely tender like he had poured every ounce of love and adoration with his confession.

Heeseung could feel his eyes prickle with fresh tears, he let out a wet laugh, close to disbelief. Disarray of thoughts clouded his mind; there was so much he wanted to say, to admit, but it felt as though his words could never compare to what Sunoo had dropped in the open between the little space they had.

Instead, this was what he said:

“May I kiss you, Sunoo?”

Sunoo reached his hands out, gently cupping the older guy’s cheeks in such a delicate manner. Every fear, every worry, and every doubt had vanished when he felt Heeseung’s lips against his. He let himself melt with the way Heeseung held and kissed him softly.

Love has never been something Sunoo could define, and it has never been something he expected to find either. Yet, with Sunoo laughing while Heeseung peppered his entire face with feather-light kisses, he fathomed that maybe he didn’t need to have a definite meaning of what love is. He didn’t have to find love.

Not when Heeseung waltzed into his life and brought love with him along the way.

 

☕

 

Weeks after they confessed and poured their hearts out for each other, it was Heeseung who asked Sunoo to be his boyfriend. And without any hesitation, the younger guy said yes. Agreeing to be Heeseung’s partner has been relatively easy for Sunoo because there was really no point in prolonging their agony when it was glaring obvious for the both of them that they want to be together and make their relationship official.

What caught Sunoo’s attention days later was Heeseung staring blankly at the TV screen in his small living room, his hair was disheveled, and it looked as though he was in deep thought.

Sunoo carefully made his way towards the couch, sitting beside Heeseung. He linked his arm with Heeseung’s, pressing his cheek against his chest. “Hyung?”

“Sun,” Heeseung said as if he just realized that Sunoo was beside him. The younger guy didn’t even have to explicitly ask what was wrong, just by letting his fingertips graze on the older guy’s skin, Heeseung already knew what he meant. “It’s just…you won’t regret saying yes to me, right?”

That was probably the first time Sunoo had heard Heeseung sounded so uncertain and nervous. It almost took Sunoo by surprise. “Hyung.”

The older guy turned to look at his boyfriend, eyes brimming with doubt. It was so different from the Heeseung that Sunoo knew–confident with how he brings himself, unwavering with his words, and certain about the things he wants–but this Heeseung right beside him was far from that. Despite his tall height, he appeared so small.

Sunoo took Heeseung’s hand and placed it on his chest, right above his heart. It wasn’t beating erratically, unlike before, but his heart was beating calmly because having Heeseung near him was enough to make Sunoo feel at peace.

“Whatever happens, I won’t ever regret saying yes to you.” 

2017

A year has come for the blooming flowers of spring.

Months passed by in a blink of an eye, Sunoo had long since stopped counting down the days since time seemed to have lost in the changing season. However, despite the seasons changing, Sunoo and Heeseung’s love for one another was still the same. Constant and unfaltering. There was never a single day that they would forget to remind the other how much they love each other.

Maybe there was one thing that changed, and that was Sunoo spending way too much time at Heeseung’s apartment. If he was there every Sunday a year before, then he was practically living at his boyfriend’s place now. Their school dorm was strict with visitors entering their premises, so Sunoo had no choice but to stay at Heeseung’s whenever his shift ended late at night. It’s not as if Heeseung minds, though–he actually loves it when his boyfriend spends the night at his apartment.

Although, the rare occasion when Sunoo would stay at his boyfriend’s apartment is when he gets banned by Jungwon.

And that rare moment happened tonight when he received a message from his roommate just in time when he was about to exit the coffee shop.

[Jungwon, 11:45 PM] jay’s here

[Jungwon, 11:45 PM] sorry :[

[Me, 11:46 PM] (￣︿￣)

[Me, 11:46 PM] keep safe

After replying, Sunoo exited the coffee shop and went straight to Heeseung’s apartment all the while texting him if he can stay for the night and his boyfriend replying You don’t have to ask permission. You’re always welcome in my apartment, Sun.

It was just a simple reply. Yet, it was enough to make Sunoo’s stomach churn in delight. A wide grin formed on his lips as he shoved his phone back inside his jean’s pocket. Heeseung’s words of affirmation are enough for Sunoo to fall recklessly and immensely in love all over again.

As he entered, he immediately noticed the TV screen turned on and a movie being played. Placed on top of the wooden table were a bowl of popcorn and two bottles of soda. Sunoo knew right then that Heeseung prepared this for their abrupt movie night. The younger one gave Heeseung a peck on his lips before ushering inside the living room. 

“Go take a shower, I’ll wait for you here.” Heeseung instructed and Sunoo was quick to obey his boyfriend.

Right away, Sunoo took a shower in less than fifteen minutes. And as fast as he could, he changed into a much more comfortable clothes—Heeseung’s, to be exact. When he was done, he placed the hair towel around his neck as he went out of the bathroom. 

He sat comfortably next to his boyfriend who was busy watching a compilation of dog videos on his phone. Focusing his entire attention on his boyfriend, he turned his entire body to face him, and he instantly noticed that Sunoo’s hair was still damp.

“Sun, your hair’s still wet.”

Sunoo shook his head like what wet dogs do and it earned a chuckle from Heeseung, who clutched on the ends of the towel to stop Sunoo from making himself dizzy. The two of them ended up laughing at Sunoo’s stupidity and at Heeseung who just enabled his boyfriend to be one.

“Come here, I’ll dry your hair.”

Sunoo leaned closer as Heeseung took the towel wrapped around his neck, and then he gently ruffled his wet hair with the soft fabric. It was nice—Heeseung taking good care of him felt nice.

“Are you sleepy?” He heard Heeseung ask when he zoned out for a while.

He mumbled a no before he rested his forehead on his boyfriend’s chest. “Let’s watch, please.”

Once Heeseung was done placing the towel on the couch’s armrest to let it dry, he sat properly, facing the TV screen while Sunoo clung to his side, squishing his cheek on Heeseung’s broad chest. 

They stayed like that for the entirety of the movie. Heeseung’s fingers tenderly sifted through Sunoo’s hair just as Sunoo listened to Heeseung’s heartbeat falling in sync with the stable and serene rhythm of his own. The older guy’s attention was fixated on the movie displayed on the TV screen. 

But Sunoo was far too gone to make sense of what was going on all throughout the film—not when the beating of his boyfriend’s heart was soothing enough to lull him to sleep.

His drowsiness was gone in an instant when the ending credits rolled up on the screen, a familiar old love song reverberated around the living room. Sunoo stood up from the couch and stretched his hand out for Heeseung to take.

“What?” Heeseung asked, a bit confused as to what was his boyfriend up to.

“Dance with me.” Sunoo giggled, his eyes glimmering with joy.

Heeseung couldn’t help but snort. Sometimes, he couldn’t believe how easily Sunoo could rope him into doing these things. Was this what being in love felt like? Was this what they called being whipped for your partner? That whatever they asked you to do, you’d do it in a heartbeat? If so, then Heeseung wouldn’t mind. For as long as he gets to see Sunoo happy, well, that’s all that matters for Heeseung.

Standing in front of Sunoo, Heeseung noticed the height difference they have and he couldn’t help but laugh in adoration.

“Why?”

“You really are short, huh.”

Sunoo glared at him. “I’ll step on your foot on purpose.”

Heeseung’s smile was still wide as ever. “No, please don’t. I’ll stop.”

Sunoo only rolled his eyes as he placed his hands on top of Heeseung’s shoulders. “You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you.”

With delicate fingers, Heeseung gripped Sunoo’s waist, humming along to the song. Sunoo, on the other hand, nuzzled his face against Heeseung’s chest, swaying with the beat. The moment was perfect—too perfect—that Heeseung thought it was the perfect time to drop the question he was dreading to ask.

“Sun,” He mumbled, his chin resting on top of his boyfriend’s head. “If I ask you to move in with me, will you agree?”

He felt Sunoo stop his movements. “Huh?”

“I’m asking you to move in with me.” Heeseung repeated.

They were no longer dancing in the middle of the living room. Instead, they were just holding each other, held breaths and a question that was dying to be answered hanging between them.

“I would love to agree, hyung.” Sunoo had said, pulling away from Heeseung’s grasp.

He looked down at his boyfriend whose gaze was downcast. “I can hear a but coming though.”

Sunoo sighed, slumping his shoulders. “I’m shy.”

Heeseung raised his eyebrow in bafflement. “What’s there to be ashamed of?”

Albeit reluctant, he wanted Heeseung to know his bare thoughts. “I don’t want you to think that I’m only after your wealth.” When Heeseung only stared at him, Sunoo knew that he was trying to understand him. “I love you because you’re Heeseung, simple as that.”

Comprehending what Sunoo meant, he let his hands move to cup his boyfriend’s cheeks as he looked straight through his brown eyes that were brightly lit under the living room’s light. “And that’s why I’m asking you to move in with me because I love you, Sunoo. It never occurred to me that you’re after my money because I know you’re independent and hardworking enough to earn it on your own.”

Sunoo’s lips quivered and he could feel his eyes burning. “But hyung, the money I earn in my part-time job, it’s not enough. I can’t pay my share for the expenses.”

 Heeseung’s face was serious as the pad of his thumbs gently caressed Sunoo’s cheeks. “Don’t worry. I didn’t ask you to live with me to pay the bills. I’ll handle that.”

Sunoo pouted, still unconvinced. He was frustrated, mostly at himself, for not being capable enough to give Heeseung everything that he deserves. He felt annoyed at the fact that he was only taking and taking, and there was little to none that he could offer to his boyfriend.

“You know, I’ll tell you a secret.” Heeseung timidly said. If Sunoo can be honest with his thoughts, then Heeseung can also do it. Sunoo stared at him in anticipation. “I’ve been imagining I’ll wake up next to you every morning. I’ll make breakfast for the both of us or we’ll both prepare breakfast every weekend.  Whenever I come home from work, I keep imagining myself saying Sun, I’m here or Sun, I’m home and you’ll be there to welcome me with hugs and kisses. Then, we’ll both fall asleep in each other’s arms when night time comes.”

A look of shock and fondness passed through Sunoo’s face. The song they were dancing to earlier faded away in an instant and all Sunoo can hear was the thrumming of his heart beating so wildly in his chest. The burning continued, but this time, his eyes started to gloss over with the blur of fresh tears. However, he bit his lips to fight it back.

“I’m looking forward to all of that, Sun. That’s why I asked you if you want to live with me because I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning, I want to see you before I go to sleep. And I want to come home to you.”

“How about you, hyung? What can I exactly do for you?” 

“I’m not asking for much, Sun. Just love me.” Heeseung uttered it so softly that Sunoo barely managed to catch his words that left his mouth before silence took over.

The stillness lasted for a minute before Sunoo spoke. “Okay.” He finally breathed out. “Okay, I’ll move in with you. And I’ll love you forever and ever.” 

“I love you, Sun.”

“I love you too, hyung.”

And then and there, they both thought it would be nice if things could stay like this forever. 

 

☕

 

[Me, 3:21 PM] wonie (ง ื▿ ื)ว

[Me, 3:21 PM] i’ll be staying in heeseung hyung’s apartment permanently

[Jungwon, 3:29 PM] well that escalated quickly hahaha anyway take care! just message me if u wanna pay a visit 😊

[Jungwon, 3:30 PM] i’m happy for u though 😊 i hope u end up tgt for a long time

[Me, 3:31 PM] of course (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

 

☕

 

It was bordering midnight when Sunoo’s shift at the coffee shop ended. But, despite it being late at night, the coffee shop was filled with incessant murmurs from a group of friends, the sound of food wrappers, and the same pop song that has been on loop the entire time he was on duty.

His boss, Yeonjun–who was cooped up inside his small office for hours now–suddenly opened the door just in time when Sunoo was about to knock, his fist mid-air. Surprised, he slowly let his hand down to his side.

“Sunoo!” Yeonjun seemed to be surprised too upon seeing Sunoo in front of him. “Going home?”

Sunoo nodded, a gawky smile on his lips. “Yeah, I was just about to inform you. Good night, boss.”

Yeonjun cackled, using his fist to ruffle Sunoo’s hair. “I told you to stop calling me boss, your Mom’s gonna kill me if she hears that.” Sunoo backed away from Yeonjun’s bony fingers digging through his head. “Speaking of Mom, you think I haven’t noticed. That black-haired guy with a snobby personality, he’s your boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah,” Sunoo admitted, his entire face beaming with pride. “Mom already knew about it.”

It was a fine Sunday morning when Sunoo decided to tell his mother about his relationship with Heeseung. Frankly speaking, he wasn’t really sure how his mother would take such unexpected news, especially that Sunoo never told his mother about his sexuality or preferences. He knew dropping such a grand announcement would probably not go well, but Heeseung was with him, holding his clammy hand, and it somehow eased the tension crawling on his skin. Nonetheless, it was still nerve-wracking the moment his mother answered his video call request.

“Mom!” Sunoo chirped, unable to hide his uneasiness. “I miss you! How are you?”

His mother’s face appeared on the screen moments later. “Dear! I’m okay, Your sister’s okay too. She misses you, by the way.”

“What about you, Mom, you don’t miss me?” Sunoo tried to joke around in a lame attempt to hide the jitters of his voice.

“I also miss you, dear.” His mother answered truthfully, a sincere smile on her lips. “But how are you?”

“I’m fine, Mom.” He replied. His gaze flickered to Heeseung who was sitting across him, their fingers interlocked. This was it. He was finally going to say it. “Well, there’s a reason why I called you.”

His mother must have noticed the agitation in his voice because she panned her phone’s camera closer to her face, inspecting her son’s face. “What’s that? Hold on, why do you look like you’re constipated? I’m getting quite nervous because of you.”

Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale, and exhale.

“Mom, I have a boyfriend.”

The silence that followed after was something to be expected, but Sunoo couldn’t help but grip the phone and Heeseung’s hand tighter, his legs were beginning to shake. The stillness stretched for so long, it was becoming gut-wrenching that Sunoo almost pressed the end call button.

It felt like an eternity had passed when his mother decided to finally speak. “Kim Sunoo, you better not play tricks on me. Show me his face this instant. Where is he?”

Upon hearing that, Heeseung sat next to Sunoo straight away, appearing on the small screen. “Good day, Mrs. Kim.” He greeted, waving his hand. “I’m Heeseung Lee. Sunoo’s boyfriend.”

A pleasant gasp left his mother’s mouth once she saw Heeseung’s face. “Sunoo, are you sure this is your boyfriend? You made him drink a love potion, didn’t you?

“Mom!” Sunoo whined.

Heeseung was smiling, unfazed with her question. “No, he didn’t make me drink a love potion. I sincerely love your son, Mrs. Kim.”

Sunoo took a glimpse of his boyfriend, and Sunoo could feel his cheeks flushing in deep red when there was no trace of mirth in Heeseung’s voice, only endeared. “That’s good to hear, dear. Feel free to tell me if ever Sunoo misbehaves, okay?”

Sunoo pouted as if he was a petulant child being ignored by his mother. “Mom, in case you forgot, I’m your real child here.”

“Your face annoys me already, dear.” His mother said in a teasing manner which made Heeseung laugh uncontrollably beside him. “Anyway, I have to go. I still have to cook, so bye!”

“Bye, Mom!” Sunoo was quick to wave his hand in front of the camera, enthusiastically bidding his mother goodbye.

When Sunoo panned the camera towards his boyfriend’s direction, Heeseung wiggled his slender fingers as a form of wave. “Bye, Mrs. Kim.”

Sunoo was about to end the call when his mother said his boyfriend’s name with conviction. “Heeseung.”

“Yes, Mrs. Kim?” Heeseung had asked. He wanted to sound casual and confident, but the sudden shift of the tone of her voice made him quite fretful.

“Stop calling me Mrs. Kim. You can just call me Mom.” She said it with a fond expression on her face. Her smile was one of the brightest Sunoo has ever witnessed.

Heeseung let out a breath of relief. “Oh, okay, Mom.”

“Take good care. Love you.”

Then, the video call ended.

Sunoo dropped the phone on the table with a clamor, and then he proceeded to engulf his boyfriend with a tight embrace. Heeseung hugged him back just as tight. So, this was what it felt like to be accepted.

The memory was heartwarming, deeply comforting that Sunoo almost forgot he was still standing in front of Yeonjun as he reminisced that specific from the back of his mind. It was definitely one of the best moments of his life.  

Sunoo was pulled out from his reverie when Yeonjun spoke out of a sudden. “If he could help you financially, then why not stop from working here in the coffee shop?”

Sunoo unconsciously reached for his ring finger, rubbing it softly. He probably didn’t mean to do it, but Yeonjun noticed. But he got the underlying message and he clearly understood.

Love.

Sunoo has never had the luxury to hold an ample amount of money throughout his life, but he has an abundance of love in his system. And if Heeseung is willing to accept his love–even if Sunoo is sometimes in the jagged shape of a human being–then Sunoo would give it to him in a heartbeat.

2018

Living with Heeseung was exhilarating in the best and worst ways possible. With the days, weeks, months, and a year that have passed, Sunoo discovered a few things that Heeseung did: 

One, he cleans up after Sunoo’s mess. 

It wasn’t as if Sunoo was an untidy person. Truth be told, he was actually as organized as Heeseung. Still, whenever he was stressed and loaded with schoolwork, his belongings are left cluttered in the living room where he frequently studies. 

Most of the time, Heeseung would be welcomed by the sight of his boyfriend dozing off, cheek squished on the book or papers he was reviewing. This is when Heeseung would organize Sunoo’s stuff; piling the books and papers neatly and placing the scattered pens and highlighters inside the pencil pouch. Heeseung would also carry his boyfriend to let him sleep on their bed. Sunoo would sometimes feel like a little kid being surprised whenever he wakes up to find out he was already in the comfort of his bed. 

The moment he goes back to the living room to check on his things, it still leaves him astonished. Especially each time, there would be a post-it note on top of his book, a declaration of I love you’s, cheer-up messages, and doodles of what seems to be Heeseung and Sunoo with hearts all over them. It makes Sunoo’s heart melt and his laugh more melodic than it’s supposed to be because even if Heeseung could never draw for shit, the gesture was still enough to make Sunoo feel warm all over. 

Two, he asks for Sunoo to tie his necktie despite the fact he is clearly able to do it himself. 

It started during the first day of Autumn–leaves falling from the trees, and its colors varying from dull yellow to terracotta to burgundy. 

They were both getting ready; Heeseung for work and Sunoo for school, when the younger guy noticed his boyfriend just idly standing in front of the mirror, his necktie undone. So Sunoo walked towards him, utterly clueless because Heeseung was not fond of being late; he was always on time. It really was bizarre when he saw the older guy pout because he couldn’t even fathom how an almost six-foot-tall man can be alluring and adorable at the same time.  

“Is there any problem?” Sunoo asked when he stood in front of him. 

Heeseung jutted his bottom lip out, emphasizing his pout. “Help me tie this?”

Sunoo, obviously not seeing that one coming, let out an ugly sound. “ Huh ? You know how to do that already.”

“Yeah,” Heeseung said, and then he placed his hands on Sunoo’s waist, “but my hands are currently occupied.” 

Sunoo playfully punched Heeseung’s shoulder, and it elicited a laugh from the other. With squirming hands, he tied his boyfriend’s necktie. Too concentrated on making it look presentable, Sunoo had his eyebrows furrowed, and he was taken aback when Heeseung pressed a soft kiss in between. Forgetting about the necktie, the older guy pulled him closer and whispered in his ear.

“No need getting so worked up, Sun. You’ll be the one undoing it later, anyway.” 

Flustered, Sunoo pulled away, not missing the smirk that was plastered on Heeseung’s lips. He wanted to kiss that teasing look off his face. “Behave, Heeseung hyung.” 

Heeseung chuckled, deep and husky. “Thank you, Sun. I love you.” Then, he kissed him on his forehead. 

After that, Sunoo sees himself tying Heeseung’s necktie every morning even though his boyfriend no longer tells him to do so; it was as if he was grown accustomed and he might never say this out loud, not when Heeseung might tease him for it, but he actually finds comfort in doing this for his boyfriend.

Three, Heeseung sleeps in during weekends. That's why it’s mostly Sunoo who cooks their breakfast during that time of the day.

So, imagine his confusion when he heard kitchen utensils clattering and clashing early in the morning. With a muddled brain, he tried to wake his boyfriend up, afraid a burglar might have trespassed inside their apartment. However, when he reached out for a warm body next to him, he was touching an empty space. That was when he realized it was probably Heeseung making breakfast and creating such clamorous noises.

Huh?

Frantically, Sunoo got off the bed and rushed to the kitchen. There, he saw Heeseung’s unruly hair and broad back, unaware that Sunoo was already awake as he was too focused on making breakfast for the both of them. He didn’t know what Heeseung was cooking, but it smelled great; the aroma flitted across the small space. Sunoo wouldn’t mind waking up to this every single day.

Sunoo was too busy admiring his boyfriend while standing on the entryway of the kitchen, he didn’t notice that Heeseung was staring at him with wide eyes like he didn’t expect him to be awake at this hour.

“This was supposed to be a surprise.” He grunted. “I wanted to make you breakfast because you’ve been doing it these past few months.”

“Hyung.” Sunoo bounced over to him, mouth beaming as he engulfed the older guy with an embrace. “I love you.”

Heeseung was still wearing a grumpy expression, but he gave Sunoo a deep and sensual kiss before he muttered against his lips: “I love you too.”

Sunoo felt the corners of his lips tugging up into a smile and he wondered, will he ever get used to this feeling? Will he ever get used to waking up every morning at the sight of his lover, and closing his eyes with the face of Heeseung being the last thing he’d seen? The prospect of having this domesticity and having Heeseung for a long time were enough to make the butterflies in his stomach dance like the million stars in the night sky.

 

☕

 

Everything was going so well. 

Until gradually—like the sand inside an hourglass that has started to run out, leaving the other side empty—Sunoo could see it more clearly, how the love they once shared had finally shown cracks that he had never seen before. 

The cracks started small, just a line similar to a random scribble on the wall; missed phone calls, unanswered text messages, being late for dinner, and not having that much time for each other anymore. 

Sunoo understood. 

Life before wasn't as arduous as it was now. Demanding was what Sunoo would call it. Both of their worlds demanded way too much of their time, and it ended up compromising what should have been Sunoo and Heeseung's time together. It left them nothing but a dark room, bodies sleeping soundly on the bed, and tiredness and longing seeping in their bones.

Sunoo would have absolutely understood it all. 

But what he couldn't understand was, Did Heeseung forget about our dinner plans?  

The alarm clock on the bedside table buzzed, signaling an hour had passed. And it felt as though it was taunting Sunoo with an absence. 

In the midst of them preparing for their different activities in the morning when Heeseung had mentioned about getting home early after weeks of grueling work. Ecstatic, Sunoo suggested they should eat dinner together, to which Heeseung agreed. 

So, he spent the entire afternoon preparing and cooking for their dinner, hoping Heeseung would love it. Dinner wasn't a grand occasion, really, but the thought of eating with his boyfriend after a long time was something he was expecting. 

However, it seemed like the cracks were getting bigger. 

Sunoo's patience was wearing thin when it was already past eight in the evening. Heeseung was not even answering his calls, and his messages were left unread. Sunoo was starting to be annoyed and worn out. He looked in disdain at the food on the table, which had grown cold. 

Indeed, Heeseung was a busy man. Managing a business wasn't an easy job besides, this was Heeseung's dream, to be a top manager in a successful company. And nothing could stop him until he reached the peak of his career.

Yet, Sunoo couldn't help but ask for a little bit of his time and attention. In a way, begging his boyfriend with such made him feel pathetic; it made him feel like a kid seeking approval. 

When the clock struck precisely thirty minutes after ten, Sunoo stood up and placed each food inside the plastic containers. Then, he put it inside the refrigerator before climbing up in their bed. 

So much for expecting something and then getting disappointed in the end. 

The younger guy must have fallen asleep because when he woke up, it was already past midnight. Heeseung's side of the bed was still cool and unwrinkled, indicating that his boyfriend wasn't home yet.

But then, there was a sound of footsteps outside their bedroom door. Heeseung pushed open the door, closing it quietly once he entered. Sunoo couldn't see him since the entire room was dark, so he decided to listen. 

Sunoo knew Heeseung was walking straight to their bed because he felt it dip. He had his back turned away, which he was grateful for since he can feign asleep. Regardless of him pretending to be asleep, when Heeseung's lithe fingers ran through his auburn-colored hair, he leaned into his touch. 

"Are you awake?" Heeseung asked, pressing a soft kiss on his nape. "There’s a lot of food inside the refrigerator. Did you cook them?" 

The question felt like a bullet shot right through his heart.

"Did you forget?" 

"Huh? Forget what?" Heeseung's voice was lilted with complete confusion. 

"You agreed to have dinner with me." Sunoo answered, swallowing the lump in his throat. "But it seems like you forgot. It doesn’t matter; I'll just throw them out early in the morning." 

Heeseung made an incredulous noise. "No. I know it's late, but come on, let's eat dinner." 

Sunoo bit on his lip as he shook his head. "No need, hyung. You must have been busy with work. You should be resting already.”

Heeseung got up from the bed and made his way in front of his boyfriend, kneeling on the floor as he cradled the younger's face in his hand. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." 

Sunoo wanted to say that it was okay. That he knew he didn't mean to do it. That stuff like this always happens, so it was just natural to miss something trivial as dinner. But only tears slipped from his eyes. Pathetic.

"Sun. Baby," Heeseung felt the guilt clawing at his chest as he listened to Sunoo cry on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry." 

Sunoo pulled away from Heeseung's grasp, wiping away the tears on his cheeks. "If you’re hungry, you can just eat. Or if you’re already tired, go shower and take a rest. Good night, hyung." Then, he turned to face the other side. 

Heeseung stroked his boyfriend's arm. "Sunoo, please. You know I don't have time for fights. I want to fix my mistake." 

Sunoo scoffed, flinching at the word time . He sat up on the bed, frustrated and visibly hurt. "Why, Heeseung hyung? Since when did you have time for me anyway?”

Heeseung opened his mouth to answer, but his mind supplied him with nothing. The last time they spent proper time together felt like a distant memory. 

"When you agreed to have dinner, I was excited because I can finally spend time with you. I never asked anything from you, hyung." There was an onslaught of emotions washed over Sunoo, and his voice slowly became a whisper. "I felt neglected. I felt so lonely eating alone every dinnertime and sleeping in this bed only to wake up with you  already preparing for your work. The cycle goes on, hyung and I just miss you, okay? I just miss you so bad.”

He buried his face in his hands, ashamed from crying too much. Heeseung felt terrible. He never meant to hurt his boyfriend let alone make him release such heart wrenching cries. He stood up, shifting closer to his boyfriend as he encircled him in an embrace.

"I'm sorry. I'll do better from now on." Heeseung whispered, kissing the top of his head as his hand soothingly petted his back. Sunoo gripped Heeseung's blazer tightly, pulling him closer. The only sound coming out from Sunoo was his hushed cries as Heeseung whispered another set of apologies. If he has to say it until Sunoo forgives him, then he will do it. 

Getting exhausted from the cooking and the crying, he pulled away from Heeseung's embrace, wiping away the dried tears on his flushed face. "Go take a shower." 

Still unsure if Sunoo was feeling better, Heeseung just stood awkwardly at the foot of their bed. "Sunoo, you know I love you, right?" Sunoo glanced at his boyfriend and nodded timidly. "But I want to make it up to you. Just tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

"Hyung, just give me time with you." Sunoo quickly uttered, gaze downcast as he fiddled with his fingers. "That’s all I’m asking." 

"Okay." Heeseung said it like a promise that he intends to keep. "Sunoo, are we okay?" 

Lying was something Sunoo was particularly not good at. So, he answered him truthfully. "We will be, Heeseung hyung." 

The gap between the cracks started to lessen at a leisure pace as Sunoo and Heeseung took their time to seek the love and warmth they have been yearning for. 

 

☕

 

Things went slightly better after that incident. 

Heeseung made sure to be out of his office at precisely six, so he can be home in time for dinner with Sunoo. Sunoo also made sure to be more open with his feelings, telling Heeseung the thoughts that were running in his mind.

For a few weeks, they communicated properly; texting each other during breaks, notifying that they will be busy so they won't be on their phones as much, and the sudden profession of I love you, and I miss you, I'll see you later at dinner. 

It became easier. 

What they didn't know was that their fight was just the calm before the storm. 

2019

Graduation was just around the corner.

Sunoo has been extra busy passing all of his requirements to the point that he had to resign from his part-time job at the coffee shop. Frankly, he didn’t have to work at the coffee shop after living with Heeseung, but he tried to save money for something important. Something that would entirely change his relationship with Heeseung. So, despite how heavy it was to balance work and college, he was grateful enough towards Heeseung for being there, for grounding him when he often got unsteady.

Albeit the stress he felt and the sleepless nights, hard work really does pay off. All the tiredness and uncertainties left his body the moment his professor, Mr. Seo, had offered him a job in Switzerland. 

"That's huge, Mr. Seo." Sunoo said, completely overwhelmed by the news. 

"You're a great student, Sunoo. I hope you'll accept this job offer because it's a great opportunity for you and for your career.” Mr. Seo advised, patting him on his shoulder. 

Sunoo was buzzing; this was such a big news, and he was more excited at the thought of going home and telling his boyfriend about this. He wanted to make a decision with Heeseung by his side and he wanted their dreams and future to align with each other. 

He wanted Heeseung to be with him when he decided to take a leap. 

Sunoo was twenty-two when he was certain that he'll spend the rest of his life with Heeseung. 

 

☕

 

On the other hand, Heeseung was called in by his boss to his office suddenly, and he didn’t have any clue what the reason was. Still, he found himself sitting across from his boss, and the silence that enveloped them was borderline uncomfortable for Heeseung when none of them decided to speak. Heeseung was rarely asked to come in here, not unless it was something severely important—so being in here and not knowing anything made him uneasy. 

"Mr. Lee," his boss suddenly spoke, voice sounding so authoritative. "If I told you that there would be a new branch for our company in New York and I'm appointing you as the Vice President, would you accept the offer?" 

Heeseung was absolutely speechless.

The offer was worth more than a million cash. He subtly pinched his thigh if this was just a dream. However, when he hissed in pain, he blinked furiously because fuck, it's true. Heeseung must have taken too long to respond because his boss tapped his fingers on his glass table, trying to get his attention.

"Mr. Lee?" 

Heeseung eagerly nodded, ready to take this opportunity with welcoming arms. "Of course. It would be an honor to accept the offer, Sir." 

Heeseung was twenty-nine when he accepted the job offer as the Vice President of their new company branch in New York. 

 

☕

 

Graduation day arrived.

Excited would be an understatement because Sunoo was more than excited; he felt like he could burst from happiness. 

Heeseung had skipped work to spend this special day with his boyfriend. Unnecessary murmurs and obvious side glances were being thrown their way, but he brushed it off. He wasn't here to be the talk of the town. He was here for Sunoo. 

Sunoo's family was there too: his mother making sure that Sunoo's graduation gown and cap were perfectly placed and clean. His older sister, holding a camera in her hand as dhe scolded her mother to stop doting too much on Sunoo, and then she ushered them at the center of the field to take a photo. 

Heeseung told Sunoo’s older sister to join them, and he would take their family photo. She beamed at him, mumbling a small thank you before dashing towards her family. 

Sunoo also took countless photos with his roommate and best friend, Jungwon. The photos weren't as normal as Heeseung had expected because at one point, Sunoo decided to jump on Jungwon's back for a piggyback ride and his best friend didn't see that one coming, which resulted in them almost toppling on the ground. Sunoo only laughed out loud while Jungwon sent him a disapproving look. His best friend bid them goodbye when his boyfriend came to fetch him. 

Heeseung was watching them, a small smile on his lips, when Sunoo's mother suggested, "Dear, take a picture with Heeseung." 

"Okay!" Sunoo grinned. His brightness could rival the sun, Heeseung thought.

Heeseung stood next to his boyfriend, arm around his waist. "Congratulations, Sun. I'm proud of you." He whispered when Sunoo's mother was still busy fiddling with the camera and his older sister helping theirmother out. 

"Thank you, hyung," Sunoo whispered, leaning his head on Heeseung's chest. He then looked up the same time Heeseung glanced down at him. "I got a job offer in Switzerland." 

Time seemed to stop ticking at that moment. 

Heeseung could only stare at Sunoo's eyes that have turned into a shade of amber from the sunlight. He was happy—he was brimming with joy with the way his eyes were gleaming as if he was the one who stole all the sunshine in the sky.

"So, did you accept the offer?" 

Sunoo shook his head before he pressed himself closer to Heeseung. "Not yet. I wanted to tell you first before I decide." 

And it hit him right in the core. 

When he got a job offer in New York, Sunoo didn't even come to his mind. All he thought of that moment was he wanted to accept the offer—he needed to. Heeseung didn't know what to do or what to say, and before he could even think it through, Sunoo's mother shouted to face the camera. 

"One, two, three, smile!" 

Sunoo was smiling so wide his eyes were crinkling when Heeseung pressed a kiss on top of his head, repeatedly murmuring I love you 's.

Guilt seized him. Just when did he stop thinking about Sunoo? How could he easily accept the offer without talking things through with his boyfriend? How blinded and tempted was he with the offer that he forgot about Sunoo? How could he fucking forget? 

Despite all the questions running through his mind, one question struck him the most that it almost made him feel sick to his stomach.

How do you go from loving someone and being unsure of what you feel the next day?

 

☕

 

When Heeseung came home from work, he immediately noticed the moment he stepped inside that their apartment was completely dark; lights were switched off, and there was an eerie silence that surrounded every corner of the room. Heeseung carefully walked towards the wall where the lights switch was located, flicking it on. Then, he made his way to stand in front of their bedroom; he saw a streak of light through the gap under the door. 

Heeseung twisted the silver doorknob, pushing the door open to reveal Sunoo sitting on the end of the bed, his entire face covered with both of his hands. Heeseung’s eyes caught a glimpse of an opened envelope and a letter on his side. Worried, he kneeled in front of his boyfriend, holding both of his wrists gently as to tell him that he’s here and to ask what’s wrong. Sunoo’s hands fell limp in Heeseung’s grip, and there was a forlorn expression on his face that Heeseung did not understand. 

“You accepted the offer in New York?”

Somehow, it didn’t even sound like a question. More like a statement.

“Yeah.” Heeseung simply answered. There was no point in denying, was it? He glanced back on the envelope and upon closer inspection, it was the company’s congratulatory letter for his promotion in New York. “The opportunity was there, Sun. I wanted to grab it before it’s too late.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Heeseung wasn’t sure why Sunoo was getting too worked up about Heeseung not telling him this news. He thought at first that maybe his boyfriend was just pissed off being kept in the dark, but he knew there was something else that was going on in his head that he wasn’t saying.

“We were both busy. I couldn’t find the right time.” Heeseung didn’t know why he lied when in fact he could have just been honest; admit that he was scared, that he was starting to get uncertain about what the future holds for the both of them.

“That’s a fucking lame excuse, hyung!” Sunoo scoffed, obviously angry. Being with Heeseung for these past years, there was nothing about Heeseung that Sunoo didn’t know–he can practically decipher the fleeting emotions that flash in his eyes, he can read his face like an open book, and he can distinguish if his boyfriend was lying or not. And right now, up close, Sunoo knew he was lying. “It never passed through your head to call? Or maybe leave me a text? You couldn’t even spare a second to tell me?”

The clock ticked, seconds and minutes passed in the weighted silence that loomed between them, tension evident as Sunoo waited for Heeseung to answer. Instead, what he got was an averting gaze. With a resolute sigh, Sunoo asked again. “So, if you’re going, what will happen to us, hyung?”

Heeseung pretended he didn’t notice Sunoo’s piercing gaze at the side of his face. “You can come with me if you want to.”

Sunoo was seeing red when he finally exploded. “If I want to? Why? What about you, Heeseung hyung? What do you want?” His eyes were wet with hot, unshed tears, blinking furiously.

Heeseung didn’t answer right away, instead he just stared. His heart breaking as he watched his boyfriend’s face contort into a pained expression. Guilt started crawling under his skin, eating him alive, trying to come up with an answer that won’t hurt him any further. But his mind only came up with a flimsy reply.

“Sunoo, think about your offer in Switzerland. You’re still young; I’m not going to be the one who will stop you from chasing your dreams. You still have a lot of dreams to reach in life.”

“Heeseung hyung,” he called out, but his voice was cracking in a sob that he kept holding in. “Why are you talking as if you’re thinking of us going in our separate ways?”

“Sunoo, your future is in Switzerland, and I have mine in New York.”

Sunoo bit the bottom of his lip as he took in the sight of Heeseung, who was evidently struggling with their conversation. Despite that, he looked at his boyfriend with so much misery in the hazel specks of his eyes, memorizing every curve and every line of his face, the mole under his eye he loved to kiss every night. He wanted to instill Heeseung’s face in his mind because he wanted to remember–the person he loved immensely was the same person who tore his heart into pieces, leaving Sunoo to clean up the mess.

“So, that’s just it, hyung?” Sunoo forced his voice to be steady, not letting his sobs wreck his body any further.

“You know, I love you, right?”

“Why did your I love you sounded like you’re saying goodbye?”

But what good was his heart when it shuddered to speak what he really wanted to. “I’m sorry, Sunoo.”

“You’re so unfair.” Sunoo’s voice was breathless, and the velvet box inside his pocket felt heavy. He fished it out of his pocket and shoved it into Heeseung’s chest. It created a small thud; Sunoo didn’t bother checking if the box had opened or not because looking at it hurt. This scenario wasn’t what he had imagined proposing to Heeseung nor what he had planned for their future. Sunoo should have known that things don’t necessarily happen the way he wants them to be. “You told me to just love you, and fuck, I did, hyung. I love you. But is my love not enough for you anymore?”

Nothing is permanent in this world; Sunoo knows that. Maybe that’s why people’s decisions and preferences change. Maybe that’s why Heeseung’s feelings for Sunoo changed. Maybe Heeseung no longer wanted to spend the rest of his life with him anymore. 

It wasn’t even a maybe because, with the way the words had come out of Heeseung’s mouth, it felt as though he had long been sure with his decision. And Sunoo can only wonder when things started to change? When did Heeseung start walking towards a different path and leaving Sunoo behind? Did Heeseung have any plans on telling Sunoo, or will he just leave like a storm raging in and let Sunoo fix the aftermath of his departure alone? 

Sunoo took a deep breath before standing up and walking towards the door. He could feel the tremor in his hands as he slowly reached for the doorknob. He waited, and he ached. He waited in hopes that Heeseung would say something and stop him from leaving. He ached because Heeseung did precisely nothing. So, this is it? This is how they end. 

“Goodbye, Heeseung.” 

Heeseung watched Sunoo’s retreating figure until he was entirely out of sight. The door was shut gently, and the entire apartment felt empty, cold, and silent. The silence was so antagonizing he discovered that silence could still be deafening. As quiet as Sunoo left, Heeseung’s heart was shattering loudly beneath his ribcage. 

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that your mouth cannot utter. He wanted, no , he needed to tell Sunoo he didn’t mean to fall out of love; that he wasn’t thinking through this at all; that maybe, just maybe, they can still figure this out. Heeseung had enough fair shares of regrets in his life, but wounding the heart of the person he loves the most, was a different kind of regret. He didn’t want to be selfish, and asking Sunoo to come back after hurting him was too greedy, so letting him go was the only thing Heeseung could do. 

He never really cried over trivial matters, but this– God , this was different. The pain was so raw it felt like someone took his heart out of his chest and squeezed it so hard, he forgot how to breathe. He opened the box and in it was a gleaming silver ring, and a wave of sadness came crashing through him that all he could do was stare at the ring he tenderly wore on his ring finger. It fits perfectly . 

Although wearing the ring felt like a crime, he no longer has the right to wear this, let alone hold it with his filthy hands. So, he took it off and tucked it back inside the box. Then he proceeded to place it at the back portion of his drawer where he would never see it and never dare to touch it again. 

He’ll forget about the ring. 

Just like he’ll forget about Sunoo.

Someday. 

 

 

Now

Years later, life goes on for Heeseung. It isn't as cruel as it did to him before. Not when he gets more than enough salary that could sustain him for a lifetime, not when he owns a luxurious apartment and a high-end car, not when he is surrounded with lavishness. Yet, he still feels empty, he could have all of the grandiose things life has to offer, but there's something missing. Or not something, but someone. 

That's when he realized that it isn't life that's cruel to him. It's love. Love is cruel , he thinks as he stares at the pristine white envelope that lies on top of his office table with his ex-lover's name elegantly written on it and beside is a name he doesn't bother reading. How could he even see it clearly when his eyes are starting to blur from the tears building up.

A wedding invitation. 

As much as it hurts, he opens the envelope with trembling fingers and inside is a tri-fold piece of paper where the guest list is indicated and other words that Heeseung can no longer decipher when his entire surrounding is suddenly spinning. He folds the paper back again and pushes it back in the envelope, but he notices a small paper stuck inside. 

That's when the tears come, unbidden. 

He takes it out, opening it in such a slow manner.

It's a letter from Sunoo.

 

☕

 

Dear Heeseung hyung,

Hi, it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? Maybe you’re surprised because I suddenly wrote you this letter. I know we haven’t seen nor talked to each other for years and I just popped out of nowhere with a wedding invitation and this letter. Hyung, I won’t hold it against you if you can’t come. I would totally understand. Although, it’s not the only reason why I’m writing you this letter. This will somehow be my closure.

Honestly, I miss you, Heeseung hyung. The moment I walked out of your apartment, I started to miss you that I couldn’t move an inch even though I already closed the door. I wanted to go back. I wanted to tell you that maybe we can still hold on, that maybe we can still find a way to work things out together. That we can both create a future for ourselves and for us. But I didn’t want to be selfish that time, hyung. You already had your decision. Yet, I was only left with thoughts. I kept thinking where did we started to change? When did you start building a future without me in it? Was it so easy to forget about me? I never got to ask you these and I never got to hear your answer.

Maybe I never had the guts to ask you because I’m scared to know your answers. That I was so busy thinking about our future, of marrying you, of creating a family with you, I didn’t notice that you were slowly letting go of my grasp. I’m sorry, hyung. Sorry if I was holding onto so many things, I didn’t notice that I was loosening my grip on you. Out of all things, I can’t believe it was you, hyung. I would have dropped everything in an instant–I was almost close to rejecting the Switzerland offer–if I knew I was going to lose you in the end. I’m so sorry. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

For all the apologies that you said, I have already accepted them. I forgive you, Heeseung hyung. We may have not ended up together, we may have not fulfilled the dreams we had in life, I still want to thank you because I got to experience loving you. And for loving me. I hope our relationship gave you the best memories just like it did to me. All the memories we shared will always have a space in my heart. The years we spent together weren’t that short, but I wished it could’ve been longer. I wished you loved me longer. I wished you fought for me. For us. I wish I did too. I wish we weren’t just a phase before we got our lives together.

Hyung, I hope you’re happy right now. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I’ve seen you through all the highs and lows, and you deserve to be happy because you worked so hard to be where you are now.

And we may have pushed each other to reach our dreams; I think you deserve to know I have always thought of getting married to you one day. But maybe life had other plans for us.

Let me just tell you this one last time:

I love you, Heeseung hyung. But, this is where our story really ends.

I wish you well.

- Sun

 

☕

 

Heeseung presses the palms of his hands to his eyes. He’s at loss for words that all he could do is cry in hopes to relieve the pain even for a second. Just when he thought things would get easier after this.

He belatedly realized that when Sunoo left, he also brought Heeseung’s heart with him.

People leave strange tiny memories of themselves behind when they walk out of your life. And this is what Sunoo has left that has been plaguing Heeseung's mind even years later:

"Heeseung hyung," Sunoo had said, voice lacing with love and softness. His eyes were glimmering underneath the fluorescent street lamp. "Do you ever think about the future?" 

It was a question he never expected Sunoo to ask at this very moment. Nonetheless, he answered. "Yes. Why?"

"Am I in it?" 

Heeseung chuckled, pulling Sunoo to his side as they continued walking on the sidewalk. He placed a kiss on his temple before whispering in his ear. 

"Sunoo, you are it." 

Notes:

heavily inspired by tswift's tolerate it :] i recycled this fic bc heesun has been making my head go brrrr but anyway i hope you'll love it just as much as i loved writing this ! :]