Chapter Text
Part One: Go On
“This is how we are: we fall in love with each other’s strengths, but love deepens towards permanence when we fall in love with each other’s weaknesses.”
― Salman Rushdie
Regulus Black had always been the reckless brother. No one ever suspected him; Sirius was loud and proud of his mischievous nature. Sirius broke the rules with a flourish, always for a reason -usually to upset their mother. Regulus, on the other hand, did things only because he wanted to. He cared very little about right or wrong, he would simply do things because in that specific moment he wanted nothing else.
It was easy for him to get away with being reckless. His parents rarely paid him any attention. Sirius was the heir; Sirius was their pride and joy even when they could hardly stand him. Regulus had been born as a mixture between an accident and a backup plan. Their uncle only had daughters and the family needed an heir. When Sirius was born the family rejoiced and immediately pressured Walburga and Orion for another male, a “just in case” heir. After all, the family couldn’t be sure the child of two second cousins would be completely healthy. Sirius had been born in November and Regulus would follow in September; just far enough apart that they would be in different years at school. Growing up he was hyper aware of his status as a backup; it fed into his recklessness.
When he was five he jumped from the banister on his floor of Grimmauld Place; he fit perfectly within the small hole between the circling stairs. He would have died if his mother hadn’t been two floors below him and seen him in time to cast a cushioning charm. When she’d questioned him he’d simply said he wanted to fly. When he was six he climbed the vine-covered trellis outside his window to sit on the roof. He stared at the stars, cataloging their positions in his mind. That night he slept on the roof, only waking when he heard his mother’s shrill screams over his disappearance; his toes had started to turn blue in the cold night air.
Mostly, he was reckless in how he dealt with his family. His mother demanded perfection and his father insisted on obedience. When they were young Regulus and Sirius would hide away behind closed doors so Sirius could complain about their life. But every complaint Sirius gave Regulus would speak aloud. At five he called his mother shrill. During his sixth birthday he called Orion cold-hearted. At seven he would often list off his grievances during their family suppers. Everything he said started as Sirius’ fearful whispers, but Regulus would casually drop the insults with no regard for the consequences. Sirius would often go wide-eyed and their parents would speak of dealing with him later. Though punishments rarely ever came his way.
Instead it was Sirius being punished for his younger brother’s foolishness. Their parents claimed he had placed the ideas in the younger boy’s head, in a way he had. Of course when Regulus pushed hard enough to be personally punished the results were nearly deadly. A week with nothing but water after he called his mother a vicious, heartless bitch during a dinner party. They were words he’d heard from Sirius countless times but he had been careless enough to say them in front of company. He couldn’t remember the event that got him locked in the cupboard for four days. His memory had been foggy when the outside light had blinded him. Sirius had cried later, when they were alone, that he thought Regulus had died. He’d been sick for days after as his body tried to hold down food and water. Sirius had read in a book that one more day trapped in there and Regulus would have died of dehydration.
“Reggie, why are you always talking to them like that?” Sirius asked one evening right before he started Hogwarts.
“They normally aren’t listening to me. I say lots of stuff but they only hear me every once in a while,” his voice was soft and showed the small amount of vulnerability he only allowed Sirius to see.
“They’ll get mad, Regulus.”
“I can take it,” he said confidently, “besides they are worse to you. I’m not the heir, so they don’t really care what happens to me. I’m going to be an artist. I want to paint and travel, and I’m never going to get married or be stuck in some sad house with a sad family I don’t want.”
Sirius laughed and hit him with one of the pillows from his bed. He was used to getting everything he wanted while having the pressure of the entire Black family on his shoulders. At eleven he knew what it meant to be an heir; all the expectations that came with being the future leader of the family sat firmly with him. But watching Regulus so defiantly dream up a future for himself felt freeing in a way.
“You’ll still have to get married, Regulus. Father had to, and he’ll end up in charge of the whole family when grandfather dies, not Uncle Cygnus. What if I only have daughters? You’d have to carry on the family name.”
“I can’t imagine you all surrounded by girls, what would you talk about?”
“I don’t have to talk to them. I’ll just come hang out with you.”
Regulus smiled and hugged his brother tightly. Sirius was the one person he knew cared about him. They spent all their time together, even during their tutoring lessons. It didn’t matter to their parents that Regulus was a year younger -he did what Sirius did. If Sirius asked for something he always got it and normally Regulus got whatever it was as well just to save face. Sirius was the Black Prince. He snapped his fingers and got everything he wanted, but it never seemed to be enough. He always asked for more, trying to fill some invisible void in his young life. Their parents often called Sirius ungrateful for taking all they had to offer and giving nothing but attitude back to them. Regulus knew that Sirius was controlling himself since the older boy never directly insulted their parents; that was Regulus’ job.
“You have to be careful while I’m at school, Regulus.”
“I’ll be fine, I’m nearly eleven after all.”
Things changed when Sirius went off to Hogwarts. Regulus quickly learned just how much his brother had been protecting him. Every comment earned him some kind of punishment. Without their precious heir to focus on, his parents seemed to notice his antics more often, and found themselves displeased with the type of backup they had created. His mother stopped trying to save him from his own stunts as well. When his broom would nose dive too quickly she’d let him crash into the ground. When he tried to jump from the roof with his own feeble attempt at a cushioning charm she let him hit the ground -breaking his arm as the charm failed. By the time Yule break rolled around Regulus was very ready to see his brother again. His parents had acted as though Sirius died when the letter from Darrin Rosier proclaimed the Black heir was sorted into Gryffindor. No letters were ever sent in return, and no word was communicated with Sirius. Finally at the beginning of December their mother sent six words. You are expected home for Yule. So Regulus found himself on the train station waiting to pick up his brother with the rest of the family. He’d already managed to get smacked upside the head for being antsy so he was struggling to remain calm as he saw Sirius walk off the train.
“Regulus,” he said with a smile.
Sirius seemed different, lighter if it was possible. The Black family features sat on him in a calm and pleasing manner, a smile was even stuck to his face. He had grown slightly, still short but at least three inches larger than Regulus remembered. His grey eyes were still piercing, his black waves fell no farther than his ears -everything was the same and yet, to Regulus, everything was different.
“Let’s go.”
Their father wasted no time pulling them away from the station so they could return home quickly. He had no intention of allowing a tearful reunion at all, let alone in public. When they were barricaded within the prison of Grimmauld Place the boys sat at the formal dining table, their parents standing menacingly at the head of the table.
“Explain yourself, Sirius. How could you embarrass this family in such a way?” It was a question, but the tone sounded like a command.
“The hat said Gryffindor was where I belonged. Who am I to argue with the Sorting Hat?”
“You are a Black! You would do well to remember that!” Their mother screamed in a shrill tone.
“I am a Black, but I want to be my own person. James says that-”
“Who?” Their father interrupted.
“James Potter, he’s my best friend. He is a pureblood and his family comes from money so he’s the right sort. I met him early on, and he told me that Hogwarts was about realizing who we are as people separate from our families.”
Neither Sirius or Regulus has been expecting the slap. Usually it was their mother that was quick with the punishments, their father choosing to say something cruel and then ignore them for weeks on end. So when Orion walked over to Sirius and backhanded him neither boy spoke. The signet ring on Orion’s hand had cut into the fleshy part of Sirius’ cheek. The man’s breathing was slow and controlled after, as he grabbed Sirius’ face and forced eye contact.
“You are not separate from this family. You are an extension of our name and our blood. You will act accordingly and behave as my heir. You will control yourself, or it is not just you who will face the consequences.”
Orion’s eyes darted over to Regulus. The threat was clear.
“The time for silly, little boys is gone. You will act as proper heirs. Sirius being a Gryffindor is a great shame on our family, but you will be a snake in the lion’s den. If I hear any word to the contrary there will be consequences. And you,” he turned his attention on Regulus, “are quite useless to me. I cannot marry you off to a good name to ensure connections, no intelligent family wants their daughter connected to a second born. But I will not have you ruining any chance we may have. You will stop with your childish notions now. No more foolish acts, or disloyal words. You will be invisible and silent unless spoken to, and when you speak it will be words worthy of a Black.”
Orion waited for nothing else, just left the room in a fury. Walburga stared at them both. Sirius had a small trickle of blood from his cut and Regulus’ eyes had not left the spot his father had been standing in only seconds before.
“To your rooms, you will not leave them until your father comes to release you. Do not even think of calling Kreacher. Away with you both.”
Sirius practically ran up the stairs and slammed his door. It was the first openly rebellious moments he had inside their home. Regulus followed up the stairs slowly but opened the door to Sirius’ room instead on his own. He locked the door behind him -though they both knew a locked door would do nothing to stop their parents.
Sirius’ room was much like his own, plain, but it was filled with the relics of his childhood. Every toy and item he had even wished for was shoved in his closet or under his bed. Neither boy was allowed anything on their walls and the rooms were painted a dull shade of green that had faded as the years went by. Both boys had a bed, dresser, desk, and small bookshelf but Regulus had nothing overly personal. Sirius had always been allowed to keep his toys and treasures while Regulus was often reminded that he only received things in the first place because his brother was a fair and kind heir; Regulus never kept the trinkets long. He had books stored away in his room, the only thing he kept no matter who had given them to him.
“Tell me about school.”
“It’s amazing, Regulus. We’ll have so much fun once you come next year. It’s like a whole adventure. Mother and Father can’t control what we do, or say, or think. I’ve met all sorts of people -halfbloods and muggleborns, they're nothing like we’ve been told.”
“Sirius, you have to be careful. Mother says they carry diseases!” Regulus cried out in concern.
“That’s not true, Regulus. I’m telling you everything they’ve been telling us is a lie. James’ family is considered blood traitors and Remus is a halfblood. Then there’s Peter, he’s the only other boy in my dorm -he doesn’t really talk much.”
“Sirius…”
Sirius grabbed Regulus’ hand and pulled him to sit on the bed. He seemed happy in a way Regulus had never been able to recognize before. Like school was some type of freeing endeavor. Regulus had assumed it would be hard to make friends since neither boy ever spent time with anyone besides their older cousins. Sirius was always sociable, but surely making friends was different from talking to older cousins?
“What about the professors? Are they just awful? How bad are punishments?”
“Nah, it’s mostly good. Binns is boring and we’ve got a new Defense professor this year that seems looney. But there aren’t any punishments unless you break the rules -and even then it’s mostly just losing points or a detention. Nothing like punishments here… how have you been?”
Regulus pulled away quickly. Even when Sirius was home and getting punished as well they didn’t talk about it. He didn’t want to admit to his brother that things had gotten worse for him, that he hadn’t managed to change his behavior and now he was getting the full punishments since Sirius was no longer there to protect him.
“It’s all good.”
It was a clear lie that neither boy believed. Sirius pulled him in for a hug which Regulus sat awkwardly stiff for. There wasn’t much that could be done. As the second born Regulus didn’t have the same family pressure Sirius did, but he was still expected to be perfect to fit the family image. He would go into politics and eventually settle down with the second daughter of some family that his parents deemed appropriate. The very thought turned his stomach even at eleven. He still only wanted to paint and travel -even though he was beginning to see how unrealistic that dream was.
“They threw me a party.” Sirius changed the subject.
“What?”
“My dorm mates, they threw me a birthday party. Like a real one with a cake and fizzy drinks, they even got me presents. I’m the oldest of us so it was our first big thing together. I’ve never had a real birthday party before.”
“Why didn’t you write and tell me?”
Sirius didn’t respond. Instead he watched as his little brother seemed to get more and more angry. Bitterness and resentment grew until he jumped up from the bed and began pacing. Regulus had waited, he had hoped for any word from his brother to be a bright spot in their miserable house but it just never came.
“It’s terrible here and you’re off having parties just forgetting I exist!” He shouted before stomping to the door and leaving.
His yelling had gathered attention. He slammed the door to his brother’s room knowing he was already going to be in trouble. Their mother was standing on the stairs glaring at him. With one gesture of her hand she beckoned him over.
“Why are you in your brother’s room when I specifically told you both to go to bed.”
“You said to our rooms, you didn’t specify we had to go to our own.”
He expected the slap. Silently thanking no one in particular that she hadn’t backhanded him. A palm only ever left a red mark, but backhanded hits always bruised his skin and her rings would’ve given him a cut to match Sirius. What he wasn’t expecting was the harsh whispers that followed.
“Your brother has already proven himself useless to this family. You will step up, Regulus. Perhaps if you feel the need to continue with your foolish behavior school will be unnecessary for you,” Regulus’ eyes widened at the threat, “I find that homeschooling more often produces heirs that are agreeable to the family way.”
“I want to go to Hogwarts.” Regulus’ voice cracked slightly with the emotion building in his throat.
“Then you will fall in line.”
She didn’t give him a chance to speak before she continued up the stairs to her own bedroom. Regulus Black had always been the more reckless brother. The Black madness played a delicate balancing act within his mind. But he knew he wouldn’t survive another seven years alone in Grimmauld Place. Recklessness could easily turn deadly and he wanted the chance to live.