Chapter Text
I'm seating in my room, alone, head bent over a scrap of paper.
The smell of paper and ink invades my nose, I feel dizzy. I am so immersed in my thoughts that everything around me disappears. I am locked in my thoughts with no way out.
I write for no one in particular, just a need, a desire to write. I write what comes into my head even if it's not much, or without any context. Something wants to express itself. To understand it, I have to let it.
I feel the end coming. I'm getting ready to read the whole thing, at the moment I was just stringing words together, not trying to understand the sentence.
I'm curious to know where this will lead me.
My hand writes the final word. I straighten up and stretch, I can hear the creaking along my back.
I take a deep breath, stand up and look out the window at the other students in the yard. I can finally hear the voices of the others.
From the third floor of the boarding school I can guess who is who, but without any certainty. The school football team is practicing for the upcoming championship, the cheerleaders rehearsing their choreography not far away, all dressed up in sportswear with their hair tied back.
I stay watching them for a while, my mind empty as if I were watching TV.
Slowly I lift myself off the window, my body moves to the letter on my desk and places it before my eyes. Letting myself become aware of the message written in my own handwriting.
'I loved you from the start. You just couldn't see it. I know how to keep a secret.
Maybe you think I'm lying, but I don't care anymore. So just hear me out.
We have read stories, love stories. Every time it's the same thing, the outcast and the popular, the nerd and the sport player, the poor and the mafia but in real life, it's not like this. You are nobody, just one inside the word. You don't have anything special.
You have friends but you don't understand why they stay with you, you have seen them without you around, watched them from a far, and they were happy. They didn't need you, so you don't try to talk to them, afraid to be "too much" and spoil the atmosphere.
But when you tell yourself you will try to not talk to them, you enter a place and walk to ear them calling you, so you go to them because you think they need you, you put your most wide smile and go towards them.
You make a fool of yourself, and enter a role, about how "you don't remember anything", and you feel like you are an idiot, or "you don't understand words that everybody around you does", and feel like you are below them. Simple thing to make people laugh and feel alright.
You feel like a substitute, you can be replaced easily.
So when you start to dream about your love life. About everything you read, the good and the bad, what you want and what you don't. It gets even more complicated. Because your expectations are based on something fictional between characters the writer have imagined happening.
You resign yourself to be alone all your life. You still hope but far inside of you, you know it will never happen. You have nothing to define you, you hide yourself, and you don't trust easily. You are scared of people, of the society.
You might try to seems like you are confident, have an open mind, is energetic and full of life to the people around you.
But inside, you know how you really feel, how you doubt about yourself, how you are scared your friends will leave you, about how you dream of a life you are certain you can't have, about a love that will never happen and start to think that one night stand will be your only chance to have someone in that way.
Then, let’s ask ourself, who are we? Just one between milliards of people? Somebody who have to be there so people could discover who will be there for their life while you will be forgotten? An observer? The man role of a story or a back ground character?
Good luck to find answer.
Also...
I said I loved you...
But in reality, I still love you...'
I'm not moving. Disturbed. I turn the paper over on the table. I lie down in the nest made of stuffed animals and my blanket. My computer is on and I take refuge in an imaginary world, in my series, my anime and my reading.