Chapter Text
CIRCA 2010
”But i thought we agreed on TonDC”
“Things change”
“So that’s it then? You go to New York and I stay in California”
“You can come to New York with me. I know their medical program is amazing”
“Lexa our family is here”
”Your family. Your family is here. I dont have a family anymore”
”What about your sister?”
“She has her own life. I have mine”
She’s changed. Ever since her parents died in a car crash almost a year ago, Lexa has been nothing but a shell of a person. Lexa blamed herself. Even if it wasn’t her fault, she was still the driver and it’s something she couldnt seem to let go of. She distanced herself from Clarke. Even if they never really broke up, they might as well have. Lexa was no longer affectionate. She didn't smile. Instead she clenched her jaw every so often. They barely spoke. Sex was... rough. They didn't make love anymore. The only thing is, Clarke was still very much in love. She didnt know if Lexa still felt the same but she would fight for her until her last breath.
“Lexa look at me” Clarke tried once more
“If you move across the country, then that’s it for us” Clarke couldnt stop her lips from trembling. Lexa raised her chin and stared down at her girlfriend. There was a time where lexa felt like she’d do anything for Clarke. They had spoken about colleges when they were juniors and agreed on TonDC so they could stay close to their family. Then everything went to shit when they were hit by a drunk driver. Lexa left the scene basically unscathed, nothing more than a gash on her arm and bruises here and there. But her parents? They werent so lucky. Anya wasnt in the car. Lexa was thankful because she didnt know what she’d do if she lost her parents and sister. Lexa became hollow, she felt numb. She didnt even cry. Anya wasnt any better. Anya didn't blame Lexa, but there was a voice in the back of brunette's mind telling her she did. They avoided each other. They were once close but after the accident Anya threw herself in school and work. Anya made the funeral arrangements, took care of Lexa because she had to. Then she turned 18 and she got access to her inheritance money. Thats when she decided that even if money couldn't take away the pain, maybe it could at least help her run away from it. The only good thing in her life was Clarke. And even then, it wasnt enough.
"If that's what you want then..." Lexa swallowed hiding the sorrow she felt.. that's if she even felt any
"That's not what I want!" Clarke wiped the tears away from her eyes before they could fall
"I love you. I've loved you since we first met. Then..." Clarke couldn't even finish her sentence
"Then I killed them" Lexa turned away, not able to look at her girlfriend anymore
"Stop. You didn't kill anyone Lexa" Clarke tried to get it through her head that this was nothing more than a tragic accident
"We're not talking about this anymore" and this is what Lexa would do. She'd close herself off because it was too much then she would blow up. Her temper was hard to control. So were the hurtful words that came out of her mouth from time to time
"You can't just decide when we can and can't talk Lexa. You've changed. You don't look at me the way you used to. You don't touch me like you did in the beginning" Clarke tried to be there for Lexa but it was at the expense of her own mental health. She felt like she couldn't talk to Lexa anymore. Lexa did a terrible job at reassuring her that everything was fine. But still, Clarke tried. She never gave up on her
"Death does that to a person, Clarke" Lexa didn't talk to anyone after her parents died. She shut everyone out including her sister. Clarke waited until Lexa was ready to talk about it. She waited days, weeks, months but it never came. Instead she went about her daily routine, meeting Clarke at her locker, walking her to her classes, attending soccer practice like nothing happened.
"Do you.. do you not love me anymore?" The blue in Clarke's eyes turned grey. They weren't sparkling like they usually were. The question made Lexa's heart sink, but she didn't show it. Clarke was the only thing keeping her grounded since the accident. She was nothing short of amazing to her, but still Lexa couldn't get over the emotional toll it took on her to lose the people that she loved and raised her.
"I never said that, Clarke" Lexa stepped into Clarke's space. She raised her hands up to her cheeks and for a moment Clarke recognized the person in front of her. The Lexa that loved her. The Lexa that was soft and gentle with her. Her Lexa.
"This is.. this is just something I have to do" Lexa softened her facial features and Clarke let out a sob. This is not the life she envisioned for them. TonDC was a few hours away from Arkadia where they both lived. They agreed that it was the best option for both of them. Jake and Abby were very supportive of Clarke's choice. Although Lexa's parents were more strict and stern, they were happy to see that Lexa picked a college close to home
"When do you leave?" Clarke wasn't sure she even wanted to know the answer
"A week" Lexa had called the movers already. She told Anya about her arrangements. There was a timeshare their parents had that she planned on staying in until she found a place close to the university. Clarke was left out of the loop until now
"A week Lexa?" Clarke went from sad to confused to angry in a matter of seconds
"A fucking week?! So you knew this whole time you were going to leave?!" Clarke backed away from her girlfriend feeling her heart crumble
Lexa didn't answer. She looked down balling her fists and digging her nails into her palm. She knew she was going to leave the moment her parents were pronounced dead at the scene. She knew this was no longer a place she wanted to call home. And it’s not like Lexa didnt try to move on. She’s spent many nights wrapped up in Clarke’s arms pretending. Faking a laugh. Forcing a smile. Masking her pain. But Clarke knew her all too well. She slept over the Griffin household almost everyday after the accident. Clarke was thankful her parents allowed it because at least then she could keep an eye on her girlfriend. Clarke wasnt a very light sleeper. Lexa would often times get up in the middle of the night to go outside and take a run until her legs gave out. She would wait for her until she came back because at the very least Lexa always came back. After her runs, she’d go straight to the bathroom and fill up the tub. Clarke would always hear the water running. Once she’d hear the water shut off, she would get up and walk inside the restroom then lock the door. Lexa would be sitting in the water with her knees up to her chest while Clarke took a sponge and scrubbed her back. Usually no words would be spoken between the two. If Lexa was crying, she didnt show it. She’d let Clarke lather her up until it was time to rinse off. Clarke would towel dry her curly brown hair when she was done then walk her back to her bedroom. Lexa would slide underneath the blanket then turn around to have her back facing Clarke. ‘I love yous’ would be exchanged as more of habit and Clarke wasn’t sure if Lexa even meant it anymore.
“Yes” Before this incident, Clarke and Lexa rarely fought. It was all rainbows and butterflies for three years. They were pretty much the high school “It” couple. They were the first same sex couple to win homecoming queens their junior year. Lexa was soccer captain, Clarke cheerleading captain. Everyone swore they'd win most likely to get married for the yearbook come graduation time. Then right before senior year started, the accident happened. Everything came crashing down on Lexa. Senior year was a blur. They attended events that they felt were mandatory. Like prom. There was no flashy promposal which would usually be right up Lexa’s alley. She was known for her grand gestures of love. They only went because they felt like it was something that every single high school student had to experience in their lifetime. Clarke spent most of the night asking if Lexa was okay. It irritated her. She got frustrated. She just wanted to go to the after party and drink her thoughts away. And that’s exactly what she did. There was a mansion some high school student rented out. Soccer season was over and Lexa didnt feel the need to worry about what she put in her body anymore. Alcohol. So much fucking alcohol for a bunch of underaged students. Clarke stayed sober as she watched her girlfriend pound back shot after shot with her teammates and ignore her majority of the night. Once Lexa accomplished her mission of getting shitfaced, she went up to Clarke who was talking to her friends and wrapped her arms around her waist from behind. For a second Clarke thought her girlfriend was herself again. For a second she thought Lexa was going to open up and tell her how much she loved her like how she used to all the time. The second was just that. Nothing more than time fleeting. I want to fuck you rang loud in Clarke’s ears. It was whispered so none of her friends actually heard her say it. And for the first time Clarke felt offended by her girlfriend’s vulgar use of the word. She pulled Lexa away from the crowd and found an empty room upstairs. Lexa thought she was going to get what she wanted. She thought Clarke would give her that much. But instead, Clarke’s eyes watered. She stared at her girlfriend hurt and confused by Lexa’s actions. What’s wrong baby was a question muttered by the brunette but she wasn't actually looking for an answer. It was rhetorical. Lexa stepped forward and Clarke has never hated the term of endearment so much in her life. Lexa was drunk and dazed. Tequila radiated off her skin and breath and Clarke couldnt stand to be around her. Stop. Clarke put her hand up to Lexa who was approaching her. Who the fuck are you? The question stung more than the salt in the tears that pooled in Clarke’s eyelids. I'm your girlfriend Lexa slurred and Clarke shook her head. This was not the person she loved and adored. Her eyes were black and the make-up she wore didn't cover the eye bags underneath. She could barely remember what a genuine Lexa smile looked like. No. No this is not how my girlfriend treats me. Clarke hated the way Lexa's eyes always revealed so much. She could still see a small tint of green and that's the only ounce of Lexa that Clarke actually recognized. What're you talking about, Clarke? The annoyance in her tone made the blonde's heart sink to her stomach. One of her favorite things in the world was the way Lexa said her name. The way there was a click of the 'k'. The accentuation of the consonants. God, the first time she heard Lexa say her name, she ran home to her mother and thanked Abby for giving her the honor of having written that on her birth certificate.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Clarke didn't miss the way her jaw flexed and teeth clenched. She never thought someone could have such a perfect bone structure before. All the things Clarke once loved about Lexa were quickly being thrown back in her face in the most ruthless and cruel way. It was like life was playing some sick joke on her.
So you don't want to have sex? another rhetorical question. If there was ever a time where Clarke wanted to throw a tantrum and break everything around her, it would be this moment right here. I'm leaving Clarke turned around to leave but Lexa quickly shut the door as soon as it opened. She kept her arm on the side of Clarke's head keeping the door closed. Move. Clarke wasn't scared of Lexa. She could never be. No. Lexa inched her face closer to the blonde's. The tension was thick as neither girl dared to move. Clarke could've easily slid underneath her arm. Hell, at this point she could've pushed her all together. But she'd never lay a hand on Lexa. The green started to spread throughout her pupils but she continued to grind her teeth. Clarke could see her thinking. Protesting. Calculating, but no words came out. Then she saw her visibly swallow, her jaw unclenching but her eyes remained vacant. Clarke placed a shaky hand up to her cheek and Lexa exhaled as her shoulders dropped and facial features softened, one stray tear sliding down her face. Take me with you. Lexa didn't mean for her to sound so desperate. But that's exactly what she was. Desperate to leave and stay at the same time. Clarke wiped the tear away and threw her arms around her neck. This was the woman she loved. The one that wasn't so numb and distant to the world. There was a quiet whimper that Clarke swore she heard, but she didn't bring it up. Instead, she held her tighter and placed soft kisses on her neck. Let's go home Clarke wished she didn't say it. She wished she didn't ruin the moment because as soon as Lexa heard the word home, she released herself from Clarke's embrace and went back to being empty inside. I think I'll stay a little longer
"How could you make such a big decision without me Lexa?" Clarke didn't have the energy to be pissed anymore. She just wanted answers
"You couldn't have expected me to stay" Lexa was forcing herself to remain emotionless, but the more tears Clarke shed, the more she felt like this was making the biggest mistake of her life
"I did though! That's the problem! I expected you to fucking stay and maybe I'm an idiot for assuming. For thinking we'd go back to how we once were. But we've been together for too damn long for you to just spring this on me like it's nothing...How could you Lexa??" The question brought a stabbing sensation to Lexa's heart cause honestly how fucking could she? Clarke has stuck by her through everything. Not just the funeral, but everything prior. School, her soccer games, applying to colleges, final exams. It was Clarke and Lexa through thick and thin. That's what Clarke always thought anyway
"I'm sorry" Was Lexa actually sorry though? She sounded monotone, lifeless.
"Yeah. Me too" Clarke sat there, her head in her hands trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong. This couldn't have been just about her parents dying.. could it? She tried to think about what would happen if the situation was reverse. If Abby and Jake died, but her chest immediately felt heavy and she stopped the hypothetical situation from forming in her head.
"I need to get out of here" They were in Clarke's room but for some reason she's the one that felt like she needed to leave
"No don't" Lexa blocked her from leaving the room
"I can't look at you right now Lexa. Let me go" Clarke needed to breathe. She needed to get out of this fucking nightmare. She didn't even consider how this would affect Clarke. They were each other's first loves. First intimate experiences. First relationships and she was just going to leave like that?
“No Clarke please” Lexa didnt move from where she was standing. Clarke was getting whiplash from how up and down Lexa’s mood was
"What do you want Lexa?" Clarke simply asked but the question had such a complex connotation to it. Because what the fuck did Lexa want? To stay together after she moved across the country. How could their relationship survive the distance when here they were right now. So close but also so damn far. There's just absolutely no way around it. Maybe if they were in a good place. Maybe if Lexa never shut her out. But it's been months and months of Lexa being cold towards Clarke and there was just absolutely no way their relationship would be sustainable this way.
"I want...." Lexa's voice cracked as she stared into Clarke's eyes. The crying made her cheeks swell but the tears made the blue glimmer. How ironic is it that Lexa's favorite thing about Clarke was her eyes and the pain she felt at this moment made them look as dazzling as ever. She was hypnotized by Clarke's gaze. That happened quite often in the beginning of their relationship. She would be caught staring and Clarke would ask her what she was thinking about. Lexa would always answer the same way. You. Followed by a soft kiss and smile. It was simple. She was always thinking about Clarke. How her gorgeous smile would light up a room. How brilliant and ambitious she is. How selfless and kind she is to others. If there was anything more beautiful than Clarke's physical traits, it was her heart.
Lexa's eyes shifted left and right, a lump obstructing her voice box. How on earth was she supposed to answer this question? She wanted a lot of things. She wanted her parents back. She wanted to repair her relationship with her sister. She wanted things to be back to how they were before all of this changed her. Most importantly, she wanted to be happy.
The silence was deafening. Clarke would sometimes finish Lexa's sentences. She would usually know what's coming. Naturally she waited for Lexa to say 'You'. But she knew this time that wasn't the answer she was gonna get. She didn't really want to know the rest of that sentence.
"I think it's over between us" Clarke didn't even hear herself say it. There was no point in time where she ever thought that statement would come out of her mouth. She felt her heart shatter as all the green dissipated from Lexa's pupils. This wasn't going to work. They both knew that. It really shouldn't have come as a surprise because Lexa knew what she was doing the moment she accepted Polis instead of TonDC as her school of choice.
Clarke and Lexa used to joke about what would happen after graduating college together in TonDC. How they'd be the power couple of the century with Lexa becoming a lawyer and Clarke becoming a doctor. They chose very different fields but both aspired to be successful. Separately yet together. At the end of the day they would support each other. Memories of laying in bed and filling out applications to their top three schools came rushing through Clarke's mind. TonDC obviously as number one. Clarke had her head on Lexa's stomach while Lexa sat up in bed with her back against the head board and legs spread out comfortably on the mattress. What's your second choice? Clarke stared up at her girlfriend while she bit the end of a pen. I don't really have a second choice. I know I wanna go where you are. Lexa smiled as she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She ran her fingers through Clarke's golden locks. I don't want you to go to TonDC just cause I'm going there love. Clarke never wanted to be that girlfriend that forced their partner to follow them just because. I'm not. TonDC has always been my first choice. Lexa reassured her but Clarke squinted at the love of her life suspiciously. You don't believe me? Lexa giggled looking at the adorable tilt of her head. Not really. Clarke watched as Lexa got up out of bed and rummaged through her desk. She pulled out a notebook and flipped through the pages. Read. Lexa instructed as she sat at the edge of the bed. You want me to read your calculus notes? Clarke questioned her girlfriend. No crazy. Look at the bottom and the date. Lexa pointed towards the end of the notebook. 2/12/2009. College choices. 1. TonDC. 2. Wherever Clarke goes 3. Stripper. 4. Polis. Clarke laughed as she jumped on her girlfriend. Good thing 1 and 2 are the same choice babe. Lexa held her up while Clarke wrapped her legs around her waist. Also I'm really glad I take priority over stripping. Although I wouldn't be opposed to you doing that in the comfort of our bedroom, a seductive smile and bite of her lip brought the heat down to Lexa's core. Hmmm how about we finish this first then I’ll reward you with a dorky strip tease? Lexa could listen to Clarke laugh all day. It was music to her ears. There’s absolutely nothing dorky about watching you take your clothes off Clarke started playing with the hem of Lexa’s shirt, her eyes darkening as Lexa felt the tips of her fingertips graze her abdomen. So you believe me now babe? Lexa laid her down gently on the bed and hovered over her. Yes. I love you. Clarke pulled her down for a searing kiss.
This was supposed to be easy. It's what they both wanted. They had similar ways of thinking but right now, they couldn't be more opposite
"You don't mean that" Lexa's bottom lip shuddered as Clarke avoided all eye contact with the woman in front of her
"Just like you don't mean to move across the country?" Clarke felt lost. Exhausted. I'll-prepared for this entire conversation. She felt like all those nights she stayed up watching Lexa sleep, making sure she was breathing, counting her respirations, googling strategies to handle grief had gone to waste. She tried. She tried so fucking hard. And for what? For Lexa to go behind her back and choose to leave? This wasn't even about Polis being a good university. It was a great school to go to especially for law, but Lexa had made it clear that she wanted to go go TonDC where it benefited both of them. When Clarke got her acceptance letter, she was overcome with joy. The first person she called was Lexa and she asked if she got hers yet. Clarke made her way over to her house and saw the letter on top of her desk. What if I didn't get in? Lexa was bouncing her leg up and down staring at the letter. Then we'll figure it out, but you're brilliant love. Clarke handed her the letter opener. Lexa took a deep breath and sliced open the top. We would like to congratulate you-- Lexa read out loud and couldn't even finish her sentence. The blonde jumped on her lap and peppered her with kisses all over. Lexa wasn't overjoyed like Clarke expected her to be. Instead she gave her a soft smile and kept the letter tight between her fingers. What's wrong? You got in babe. We got in! Clarke expected more than just for her to sit there staring at the piece of paper that determined what the next four years were gonna look like. Nothing's wrong. Just.. I should tell Anya. Lexa couldn't look at Clarke right now. It was bittersweet for her. This is what she wanted. What they wanted. Lexa wasn't kidding when she put TonDC as her first school. The only problem was she didn't tell Clarke she submitted an application to Polis as well and got the acceptance letter yesterday. Oh yeah.. you should definitely tell her. It was strange. The feeling Clarke got when she opened her letter, was pure relief and happiness. She looked at Lexa in deep thought wondering why she seemed almost indifferent towards the news. Hey. Are you sure you're okay? Clarke brushed her fingers through her curly brown hair. Yeah. Lexa’s eyes told a different story. She didn't go into detail with how she was feeling. Hell, she stopped doing that all together since her parents died. Okay then. I'll call you later? Clarke was more so asking for permission. It was such a strange response that she didn't know what else to do but leave. Sure. Love you. Lexa's eyes stayed glued on the letter until Clarke left her room
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" Lexa never liked to see Clarke in pain. She doesn't even remember that last time she saw Clarke this upset let alone her be the cause of such distress
"No you're not Lexa" Clarke didn't believe a damn word that came out of Lexa's mouth right now. There were so many things she was feeling, sadness first and foremost. She would rather feel angry though. So she channeled what energy she had left to feeling exactly that. Enraged. Livid. Irate. Resentful. She wanted to hate her. It would've been so much easier if she did. The only issue is there was no fiber in Clarke's being that could ever hate her. None whatsoever.
"I love--"
"Don't. Don't you fucking saying it. Cause even if you say it, I haven't felt it in months. You don't do this to the person you love. I've been nothing but patient with you and this is just a slap in my face. Honestly if you punched me, that would hurt less. I fucking love you Lexa. You are everything to me. But this? This isn't okay and we haven't been okay for a long time. And I know why you became the way you are. Im not gonna act like I understand how you feel cause I don't but you also never helped me to do so. I miss them too Lexa. Nyko and Odessa were like second parents to me" Clarke hasn't said their names out loud since the crash. She watched Lexa visibly tense at the mentioning of her parents
"I didn't know that losing them all those months ago, I had lost you too" Clarke cried and so did Lexa. It was the most emotion Clarke has seen from her in ages. She wanted to hold her and tell her everything was gonna be okay but that'd be the biggest lie she's ever told. Lexa sunk to the floor, her back against the wall as Clarke sat on her bed across from her. Who knew a few feet could feel so far apart? They dont know how long they sat there crying separately into their own hands. It could’ve been hours, minutes even seconds. But eventually Clarke got up and took a deep breath, her eyes red and nose congested. She walked up to Lexa and dropped down to her knees
“Hey” Clarke unraveled Lexa’s forearms and lifted her face up. Lexa’s glasses had fogged up from all the tears. She removed them and placed them on the floor
”Im so fucking sorry” Lexa couldnt bare to look at Clarke right now. She didnt even know she was capable of producing this many tears. She was crying because she was hurting the most important person to her, but also because instead of dealing with the loss of her parents, she’s deciding to run away from it. Choosing to start anew meant leaving the one consistent thing in her life.
“I wish..I wish it didnt have to be this way” Lexa pulled Clarke into her arms. She would always feel Clarke melt into her arms, but for the first time she didnt feel that. She felt Clarke stiffen and tense, but she didnt let go. This might be one of the last times she’d see the blonde let alone touch her. Lexa always believed her and Clarke would be one of the few couples to start off as high school sweethearts then get married. She had no desire to date around or play the field. Clarke was her number one choice since she saw her for the first time.
“It didnt have to be Lexa” Clarke would like to believe that if Lexa told her she wanted to go to Polis instead, that she may have considered it. She might’ve applied there as well. She never even thought of leaving the state for school though. She wanted to be understanding. She wanted to be okay with Lexa leaving, but she wasnt. There was nothing okay with this.
Clarke pulled away and stood back up. She wiped the remaining tears away, clenching her jaw just as Lexa always did
”I hope you find happiness Lexa” Happiness. What the fuck was happiness now? Because the only person that was able to make Lexa feel alive was Clarke. Was she gonna find it in New York. Was she magically going to forget her parents dying if she was across the country? The only thing she was leaving behind was her happiness and Lexa was starting to regret this decision.
Clarke wanted to be alone. For the first time ever, she didnt want Lexa around her. She needed to think about herself for once. Lexa was her priority. Lexa was number one in her life. That’s how it was. Maybe it was a mistake to only consider Lexa’s feelings in all of this. Maybe she should’ve seen this coming and maybe she did. She just didnt want to speak it into existence. Lexa grabbed her glasses and stood up, her legs feeling numb but somehow able to gather the strength to keep her upright. She wanted to step forward and kiss Clarke, but she could see the invisible wall between them. There was absolutely no way Clarke would allow that
”I-“
Lexa saw Clarke flinch before she could even finish her sentence. She never thought there’d ever be a day where she’d cringe in anticipation of what was to come out of Lexa’s mouth.
“I’ll always be with you” Then Lexa escaped out of Clarke’s room, leaving the blonde to stand there thinking about her last words because yes. She would always be with her, but in reality it’s Clarke that would haunt her for years to come.