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Remus rubbed his shoulder as he sneaked through the moonlit corridor toward Gryffindor tower. He’d be sore in the morning; he could just tell. He had no idea that Gideon Prewett would be so…enthusiastic. As it was, he was a little too enthusiastic for Remus’s taste. Not that Remus didn’t appreciate someone who was forceful when the moment called for it—give him all the pinned wrists, banging headboards, and shoved-against-the-wall encounters—but Gideon lacked a certain, well, finesse. He was all clanking teeth, messy saliva, and puppy-dog eagerness that culminated in the two of them thrashing around on the empty classroom floor like just-caught fish, hence Remus’s sore shoulder.
When it was over, Gideon all but melted into Remus, which was sort of sweet, but for Remus, the moment was entirely and extremely over. He might as well have given Gideon a tepid handshake afterwards for all the intent he had to ever do that again, even though Gideon had hinted heavily about the next Hogsmeade weekend as he attempted an afterglow cuddle. Remus just pulled away and got dressed, replying with a mumbled, “Yeah, maybe I’ll see you there,” and gave Gideon a head start back to Gryffindor tower so as not to arouse any suspicion if they both climbed through the portrait hole at midnight looking freshly fucked.
Remus waited for about 10 minutes alone in the dark, empty classroom, letting the smooth, cool fabric of James’s invisibility cloak move through his fingers like solid water. He’d been borrowing it a lot lately. James didn’t ask too many questions, just gave it to Remus with a wry smile or a cocked eyebrow, and once, a warning not to get anything “messy” on it. OK, so James apparently knew what Remus was up to and thankfully had enough tact not to call him out on it.
But Remus had to do something. For three years, he had been quietly and desperately pining for someone he absolutely couldn’t have. Now he was halfway through seventh year, and it was time to move on, and move on he did. In an attempt to get Sirius Black out of his system, Remus had been quietly working his way through every bloke at Hogwarts and in Hogsmeade. It wasn’t hard. Once he decided to tear his eyes away from the supernova that was Sirius and look around a little, he found that there were quite a few eyes on him already. He was surprised, at first, but soon discovered that he had a number of things going for him that, up until that point, he was wholly unaware of.
First, he was tall, which people seemed to like. Remus had always found his height a bit inconvenient, but it turned out to be an asset in this situation. People liked his freckles, his dimples, his smile, and his curls. He also had big hands and big other things, too, he was told a lot. And although he had always been extremely self-conscious about his scars, it turned out most of the men he was with quite liked them. One bloke in The Hog’s Head had called them “rugged” right before eagerly dropping to his knees.
It had been fun and a bit of a relief to focus on people other than Sirius for a change, but inevitably, Remus’s mind always drifted back to him. He’d fucked around with some gorgeous blokes, ones who were kind, sexy, and knew exactly what they were doing. But no matter whose lips were on his neck or whose hands were gripping his shoulders, Remus always, always imagined them to be Sirius’s.
He’d just have to keep searching for the person who would finally douse that fire from Remus’s mind. Because Sirius Black was solidly, resolutely straight, and totally unaware of what he did to Remus just by being himself.
Sirius was Remus’s best friend, and he was a good best friend. The best best friend. He was the only person who knew the exact right way to rub Remus's back after a full moon. He could divine in Remus’s expression or body language when to kick James and Peter out of their dormitory so Remus could study. He could tell when Remus’s anxiety was kicking in just by the tightness in his hands and would uncurl his fingers one at a time until they were soft and pliant enough to be laced through Sirius’s own.
In the days before the full moon, he would curl into Remus’s bed, sling an arm across his waist, and snuggle into his shoulder, babbling about nothing to distract him until Remus fell asleep. He spent seven months researching and creating a drinking-chocolate potion for pain in his healing class, just for Remus. He’d pull Remus’s feet into his lap if they were sitting on the sofa in the Gryffindor common room and massage his ankles exactly where they hurt. He was smart and fun. He was funny. He was beautiful. And Remus’s heart ached at the thought of Sirius doing all those things and more for his many girlfriends.
When Remus thought he’d given Gideon enough of a head start, he got to his feet, put on the invisibility cloak, and made his way to Gryffindor tower. He’d cast a silencing spell on himself to mute his footfalls and cast another as he reached the portrait hole. He didn’t want any attention. He just wanted to go to bed. He climbed silently into the Gryffindor common room and was just about to pull off the cloak when he heard his name.
“…Moony. I can barely stand being in the same room with him anymore.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know, it’s not like I can tell him.”
“Why can’t you tell him?”
“Because he’s having fun and he’ll hate me.”
James and Sirius were sitting alone on the couch in front of the slowly dying fire. Sirius’s face looked stricken as he talked to James. His fingers twisted in his lap and his eyebrows furrowed into a worried line.
Heat prickled through Remus’s entire body. Sirius couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him? He stood frozen as James replied.
“He could never hate you,” James said quietly. “You know he loves you.”
“Not the way…” Sirius started to say, but broke off, and to Remus’s shock, he started to cry, burying his face in his hands, and curling into himself like a child.
“I can’t,” Sirius cried into his fingers. “I can’t be around him right now.”
“Fine,” James said, putting a hand on his friend’s shaking shoulder. “But you’ve got to figure this out soon.”
“I know,” Sirius said, still sobbing.
Remus couldn’t take it anymore. He stormed past them, up the spiral stairs, and into their dormitory, slamming straight into his four-poster bed and yanking the red velvet hangings shut with more force than was really necessary. He lay on the bed fully clothed, his chest heaving with hurt and anger. It had never occurred to Remus that Sirius would not only be straight but also so intolerant. Because that’s the only thing that could have inspired this newly discovered disgust that prevented Sirius from wanting to be in the same room with him. Nothing had changed at all except the fact that Remus was now regularly shagging blokes. He hadn’t been vocal about it—he wasn’t kiss-and-brag Sirius Black, after all—but he hadn’t exactly hidden it either.
Well, fuck him, Remus thought savagely. Truly, fuck him. If Sirius couldn’t stand being around Remus, then Remus would not inflict his company on him any more than necessary. And, for that matter, fuck being discreet. Fuck the invisibility cloak and the thoughtful silencing spells and not wanting to go back to Gryffindor tower at the same time as Gideon.
The following night, when Gideon eagerly approached Remus in the Gryffindor common room for round two, Remus gave him a bright smile, dropped his book with a theatrical flourish, and followed him out of the common room and into the corridor, noticing with a feeling of fierce gratification the way Sirius’s body stiffened and his face froze at the sight of the two of them leaving hand in hand.
A few days later, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter sat in the library, their heads bowed over their NEWTs prep, when Benjy Fenwick sidled over to them to chat up Remus. When Benjy’s hand started to snake up Remus’s thigh, Sirius snapped his book shut, pushed out of his seat with so much force that it tipped backwards, and stood up, ripping the strap of his backpack in the process. The other four just stared at him as he whisper-yelled, “This is a fucking library, Benjy! People are trying to study!” and stalked off, carrying his broken backpack awkwardly in his arms in front of him.
At lunch two days later, a lavender paper airplane soared from the sky into Remus’s plate. All of the Gryffindor seventh years turned around to see Gilderoy Lockhart smiling toothily at Remus, who unfolded the note (“We’d look smashing together”), rolled his eyes, and crumpled it into his backpack without a second glance at the Ravenclaw table, where Gilderoy was watching. Remus just went back to his toast, eggs, and book as though nothing happened.
“Heartbreaker,” Marlene said with a laugh, as Sirius muttered something about needing to be early to Charms and stormed off.
Things went on like this for a couple of weeks. Then one night, the four Marauders, Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas were at The Three Broomsticks having a few pints—Sirius at one end of the table, Remus far away at the other—when a handsome bloke with a dangerous smile approached Remus at the bar when he went to buy another round, and the two of them disappeared for a very satisfying half hour.
Remus came back to the table feeling smug, a hollow happiness ringing in his chest at the sight of a visibly uncomfortable Sirius studying the bubbles in his beer at the end of the table.
“Remus, you’re a right slag,” Mary said admiringly, ruffling his already ruffled hair and straightening his collar. “He was fit, well done.”
Remus just sat back and sipped his beer. Gideon approached him a while later, and even though it would have been nice to keep making Sirius squirm, Remus didn’t have it in him to lead Gideon on anymore. They walked together across the pub so Remus could gently let him down out of earshot of the others. Gideon took it well, even giving him one last kiss and making Remus promise to let him know if he ever had a change of heart.
“Merlin, Moony,” Lily said. “What’s going on with you?”
“Everyone just finally noticed that he’s walking sex,” Mary said with a laugh. “I mean look at him. It’s about time. And if you ever want to swing the other way…”
“Oh my god, Mary,” Remus said, blushing as Mary wrapped her arms around his neck and giggled furiously, kissing him on the cheek.
He glanced up just as James looked sideways at Sirius with a strange look on his face. Was it worry, Remus wondered? Sirius sat in silence at the end of the table, his face cast downward and his shoulders hunched uncharacteristically, and suddenly, Remus felt guilty for going out of his way to make him feel so uncomfortable. Maybe Sirius was trying hard to do his best. He hadn’t actually said anything to Remus about it, after all. Maybe he was trying to be a good friend and fight through the feelings of prejudice that his parents had tried so hard to instill in him.
It was time for a truce. Remus drained his pint and called to Sirius across the table.
“Hey Pads,” he said, and Sirius’s face shot up. His eyes were wide and his lips slightly parted. He looked almost fearful, and Remus felt annoyed with himself for thinking how beautiful and vulnerable Sirius looked even then. Remus also tried his best not to roll his eyes at Sirius’s visible nervousness. Now’s not the time, he thought. Now’s the time to be a good friend.
“I’m gonna go have a smoke, want to come?” Remus asked.
Sirius looked at James, who nodded his head with an encouraging smile.
“Yeah, OK,” Sirius said quietly, pushing his chair backwards and standing up.
Sirius usually strutted around The Three Broomsticks like he owned the place, but this time, he stood stock still, watching Remus expectantly, waiting for him to take the lead.
“Let’s go, then,” Remus said, suddenly aware of everyone’s eyes on him as he stood up and walked outside, Sirius a few steps behind.
They rounded the corner into the narrow alleyway between The Three Broomsticks and the post office and slumped into the brick wall. It was dark, but Remus could still plainly see Sirius’s nervous expression and the rigid way that he held his body as Remus handed him a cigarette. He lit his own, then Sirius’s, and they smoked in silence for a few minutes. Even when Remus was angry with him, he couldn’t ignore the heat that radiated off of Sirius’s body. After so much searching, the one he wanted was still right here, so close, and completely out of reach.
Remus put those thoughts out of his mind and tried to think of the most heterosexual things he could talk about.
“How’s quidditch?” he asked.
“Fine,” Sirius replied, taking a drag off his cigarette. Remus saw out of the corner of his eye that his hands were shaking.
“And how’s umm…” he tried to remember Sirius’s latest girlfriend. “Emmaline?”
“I don’t know,” Sirius looked at him strangely. “Fine I guess, I haven’t talked to her in a while.”
“Oh. I thought you two were going out,” Remus said.
“Nope,” Sirius sighed, sounding irritated. “Not for like six months.”
“Sorry,” Remus said. He felt a little defensive. How was he supposed to keep up with Sirius’s revolving door of girls?
“I can’t believe I broke up with someone six months ago and you had no fucking clue,” Sirius said, rounding on him with what Remus considered misplaced venom.
“Sorry,” Remus said again, a bit more forcefully this time. The nerve of him! “Sorry I’m not keeping a tally of your conquests.”
“Well, I’m certainly keeping a tally of yours,” Sirius spat at him. “It’s hard not to. You’re rubbing my fucking face in it.”
Remus thought this was a bit rich coming from the person who regularly charmed their dormitory door shut for his nighttime trysts and who literally put notches on his bedpost for every single “visitor” he entertained.
“Jesus, Sirius, you’re really something else, you know that?”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’ve had a fucking parade of girls coming in and out of our dormitory for two years, and I haven’t said a word, but the second I do the same thing…”
“It’s different and you know it,” Sirius said.
“Yeah, it is different, I just can’t believe that you of all people would hold that against me!” Remus snapped.
“What?” Sirius said, his eyes narrowed.
“I mean, I know you were raised by fucking bigots, but you always went out of your way not to be like them,” Remus said, feeling his heartrate quickening uncomfortably. “I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the poison tree.”
And with that, Remus dropped his cigarette, ground it out with the toe of his boot, and walked away.
“Where are you going?” Sirius called after him in a choked voice.
“Home,” Remus said, not turning around. “Don’t follow me.”
The next few days were tense. It was not easy to avoid someone with whom you shared a bedroom and half your classes, but Remus did his best anyhow. He found Benjy Fenwick the second he got back from Hogsmeade the night of his fight with Sirius and dragged him through the castle for days, taking advantage of every empty classroom, cupboard, and corridor that he could find. He even did something he swore he’d never do and took Benjy up to his dormitory, where Sirius walked in on them, with an angry, “Are you fucking kidding me, Remus?” to which Remus replied, “Get used to it, prude,” and slammed the door in his face with a wave of his hand.
“I think you should try talking to him again,” James said the next morning after Remus sat down at the breakfast table. Sirius had taken one look at the purple bruises all over Remus’s neck and stalked off, leaving his entire breakfast behind.
“No,” Remus said flatly. “I already know what he thinks of me.”
“I don’t think you do,” James muttered to himself.
But Remus ignored him. He’d had enough, and he found brutal pleasure in having something that finally drowned out the burning desire and desperate, pathetic love that he’d felt toward Sirius for so long. In fact, the look on Sirius’s face was so satisfying, that Remus decided that Benjy would be a frequent visitor to the Gryffindor dormitory.
When they tried to get in the next night, though, Remus found the door charmed shut. He felt his blood boil as he pounded on the door.
“Open this fucking door, Sirius,” he yelled, and pounded on it again.
“It’s OK,” Benjy said soothingly. “We can go somewhere else.”
“No,” Remus said loudly. “This is my dorm too, and…”
The door swung open to reveal a disheveled-looking Gilderoy Lockhart blinking up at him, his usually perfect hair a mess and his shirt askew. Sirius lay on the bed behind him on his side, his head propped up on one hand and not wearing a shirt. He gave Remus a Cheshire cat grin and waved cheekily.
“Oh hi, Moony, Benjy,” he said. “The room is all yours. Me and Gil were just finishing up.”
And he hopped off the bed, strode over to Gilderoy, grabbed him by the collar, and pulled him into a searing kiss before pushing him away.
“Sweet dreams,” he purred, as Gilderoy stumbled down the stairs.
Remus stood frozen in the doorway, watching Sirius, who turned on his heal without a second glance to Remus.
“I’ll be out of your hair in a minute,” he called breezily. “I just have one more thing to do.”
And he opened the drawer of his nightstand, pulled out a pocketknife, and carved a new notch in his bedpost. He flipped the knife shut and sent it spinning back into the depths of the drawer with a wave of his wand.
“Goodnight! Have fun!” he said, as he pushed past Benjy and Remus and walked downstairs, pulling a t-shirt over his head as he went.
Remus couldn’t move. His brain had frozen stuck. It was only when Benjy took his hand that Remus snapped out of his shocked state. He looked down at his hand in Benjy’s and yanked it away.
“I’ve gotta go,” he muttered, and ran down the stairs after Sirius, leaving Benjy alone and calling after him. Remus couldn’t hear what he was saying. He was thinking too loudly to hear anything.
He caught up to Sirius right as he climbed through the portrait hole and grabbed him by the shoulder to spin him around in the empty corridor.
“What?” Sirius looked up at him innocently.
“What?” Remus repeated, incredulous.
“Don’t you have to get back to Fenwick?” Sirius said, turning away, but Remus pulled him back again.
“Sirius, what the hell was that?”
“Oh, you mean me and Gil? Well after you so cruelly ignored him, I thought he seemed kind of lonely—you know he and I have that in common—and then one thing led to another,” Sirius said with a shrug.
“But he’s such a wanker and…what do you mean you have that in common? Have what in common?” Remus asked, coming up short in his fury.
“Being roundly rejected by you!” Sirius exclaimed, sounding a bit hysterical. “But don’t worry about us, we found solace in each other’s arms.”
Remus stared at Sirius, searching for his tells that he was taking the piss out of someone, but he couldn’t find any. Instead, his cheeks were flushed, his left eyelid twitched, and he chewed the inside of his cheek. These were different tells, and Remus knew those, too. Remus knew Sirius inside and out.
“When did I reject you?” he asked softly, but this only riled Sirius up more.
“When did you reject me?” he asked, his voice rising through a mirthless laugh. “When did you reject me? When haven’t you rejected me, Remus? How many times do I have to climb into your bed or hold your hand for you to notice me? Meanwhile, you’re busy noticing half of Scotland instead!”
“But…” Remus sputtered, his brain moving faster than his mouth could process the words that were tumbling around in his head like socks in a dryer. “But that’s just you. That’s what you do.”
“Oh right, that’s just me!” Sirius said, his voice breaking. “Just Padfoot, your good friend. That’s all I’ll ever be to you. No matter how hard I try, you’ll never see me as anything else.”
And he turned away, his shoulders shaking silently as he tried to keep back tears. Remus watched him in stunned silence. Once again, his brain raced ahead of his voice as he tried to think of the right thing to say.
Thankfully, though, his heart stepped in. Remus spoke in a near whisper, but he knew Sirius could hear him.
“You’re all I ever see,” he said. “Always. Every time I’ve ever kissed someone or touched anyone else, I close my eyes and see you. I’ve tried not to, but I can’t help it. It’s always only you.”
Sirius turned around, his eyes red and watery, but hopeful.
“It is?” he asked.
“Yes,” Remus said simply. “I love you, Sirius. I’ve loved you for years.”
“You love me?” Sirius said, and he started to cry again, but this time with relief.
“Of course I love you,” Remus said, taking Sirius’s hands in his. “How could I not love you? You’re gorgeous, and wild, and funny, and give the best backrubs, and you take better care of me than anyone, and I trust you more than anyone, and you have the best fucking arse I’ve ever seen.”
Sirius laughed wetly as Remus pushed the hair out of his face and tucked the loose strands behind his ears.
“And I’ve wanted to kiss you every day since I was 15,” Remus said, taking Sirius’s face in his hands, reveling in the feeling of his sweet, stubbly cheeks and his lovely skin that he finally, finally got to hold.
“What about all the blokes?” Sirius choked out, looking up at him with those wide, blue-gray eyes that were never far from Remus’s mind.
“I was just trying to get you out of my head.” Remus admitted. “It didn’t work.”
Remus sighed.
“What about all the girls?”
“I was just trying to get you out of my head,” Sirius repeated. He shook his head with a sad smile. “It didn’t work for me either.”
Remus stared into the face he’d loved for so long and his heart felt whole.
“Can I kiss you now?”
“I will shrivel up and die if you don’t.”
Remus's face broke into a watery smile at this most Sirius of replies. He ran his fingertips down Sirius’s cheeks and along his jaw, brushing his thumbs across his face. Sirius’s eyes fluttered shut and he sighed into the touch, tilting his chin up breathlessly. Remus leaned down and their lips met, softly and tenderly at first. But then Sirius let out a little whimper and something in Remus burst open. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’s shoulders and pulled him into his chest until their bodies were flush together. Sirius responded eagerly, wrapping a leg around Remus’s hips, making Remus reach down to grab Sirius’s arse and pull him upwards. Sirius groaned and Remus’s tongue darted into his mouth, kissing Sirius like he’d never kissed anyone before. Sirius seemed to go limp in his arms for a minute and he pulled away, putting a hand over his fluttering heart.
“Holy shit,” Sirius breathed, staring up Remus like he was a walking miracle. “Do that again.”
So, Remus did. It had quite the same effect.
“Can we…uhhh…” Sirius panted between kisses. “Can we…please…please…go upstairs now?”
Remus ran his tongue down Sirius’s neck and back up again, kissing and nipping along the way, until he reached Sirius’s ear.
“Yes,” he whispered into it. Sirius just about melted.
Afterwards, they lay in Remus’s bed, Sirius curled into Remus’s side with an arm thrown across his bare stomach and his head nestled into his shoulder. It felt so familiar and so new all at once, and Remus didn’t think he’d ever been happier. He looked down at this person in his bed—this person who he’d loved for so long—and kissed him again, just because he could. He closed his eyes as he rested his cheek against the top of Sirius’s sweet-smelling hair. He knew that as long as he lived there would be no better feeling than to have Sirius Black nestled in his arms.
I love you, Remus thought. I’ll love you forever.
“Moony?” Sirius whispered.
“Hmm?”
“I love you, too.”