Chapter Text
Toni's afraid to disappoint her, is what it is. Shelby hasn't been out for a long time, and she's only been with a handful of girls while exploring that side of herself and it's amazing, it's beautiful. And now, Toni couldn't be more grateful that she's the one Shelby fell in love with.
It's just that Shelby is a lesbian, just like Toni. And Toni really, really wants to make Shelby feel good. So naturally, this must mean that Shelby really wants to make Toni feel good, too.
But...well, it's complicated. Toni doesn't really like to receive.
It took her a while to start figuring it out. It took sleeping with a few girls, because every time, Toni thought, maybe with this girl I'll get out of my head and be able to feel what I'm supposed to feel.
With Regan, it should have worked. They were so in love, and it was passionate. But when came the time for Toni to feel good, it just didn't.
It's not that it was bad, it's just that it didn't really feel like anything. The problem was mainly that she didn't want to be rude and say that it felt like absolutely nothing, but she didn't really want to pretend that the sensations were turning her on either.
And Toni knows what feeling good is. She feels it when she tops a girl, when she makes her writhe and whimper and she feels good when a girl begs and comes for her.
But receiving? It doesn't feel like that. Something about being watched, and touched in a way that's out of her control just feels weird.
So it took her a while to figure it out, but now she knows. Receiving during sex just puts her out of place. She doesn't like it.
But she's afraid that if Shelby wants to fuck her as much as she wants to fuck Shelby, it'll cause problems. Would it be unfair? If Toni were to take control and have her way with Shelby, the blonde would be putting so much trust in her. She'd be vulnerable, and that's a lot of work. Is it unfair that Toni doesn't want to do that in return?
This is just a whole mess. Toni's been sexually frustrated for the better part of a week now, and Fatin's made a few comments about it when the control she's had on her anger slipped a bit. Shelby's just...so fucking beautiful. And so fucking cute. Toni wants to fuck her into tomorrow but then, well. Then she overthinks.
She's never really told anyone. She and Regan broke up before they could really talk about it, and she's hesitant to talk about it with Martha because sex is a delicate subject with her. But if there's one thing Toni's learnt from meeting the Unsinkable Eight in college, it's that she needs to communicate.
So she thinks it through and decides that if she needs advice about sex, she should ask the group's resident sex expert. Fatin.
"Yeah I know," Fatin says. "You've been a ticking time bomb since last week, obviously you aren't getting some. Is Shelby still waiting for marriage?"
Toni's fingers are playing with the edges of her cup of tea, and she's not so ready to look Fatin in the eye at the moment. It helps though that they're alone in Toni's apartment. She's in her safe space, and Shelby's spending the day with Leah, so she'll only be back tonight.
Fatin's eyes soften when see sees how tense Toni is. "Are you guys okay?"
"We're good," Toni's voice is soft. "We're better than good. We obviously want to have sex. It's just..."
"Is she waiting for marriage?"
She sighs. "No, not at all." Alright, out with it. "I don't like receiving. During sex. I don't...I don't want to be touched."
Fatin looks surprised. "Oh." Her voice is soft, though. "Let's talk about that, then."
Toni's tea is finished and refilled and finished again when the conversation is finally over. Fatin leaves with a wink, and Toni feels lighter. Her friend is right. She just has to talk to Shelby, because the longer she waits, the harder it's gonna be.
It's reassuring too, how easy it was to talk to Fatin. There wasn't any judgement in her tone, and she didn't seem to think that this whole thing would bother Shelby either.
So alright. Shelby's due to come home any minute now. Here we go.
In hindsight, Toni should have known that Shelby wouldn't make it easy for her. A whole ten seconds after she gets home, Toni feels at a loss for words.
Shelby walks in slightly out of breath and sweaty, and for once Toni doesn't hate that their building doesn't have an elevator. She looks beautiful. She's stumbling as she tries to untie her shoes and she's holding way too many shopping bags while keeping the door open, but she's smiling lopsidedly and there's that light sheen of sweat on her chest and forehead from the heat outside. It makes Toni's heart flutter.
"Toni, hey, I bought you something I hope you'll like."
She's perfect. How is Toni supposed to focus now?
"You alright there?" she asks.
The blonde let's out a soft laugh and purses her lips. "Shut up, you have to address what I said." She finally stops struggling and closes the front door before turning to face Toni again. "I bought you something."
Shelby's good mood is contagious, and Toni feels herself smiling before she realizes it. "Should I be scared?"
"No," Shelby huffs, "Can you be nice? I'm gonna cry if you hate it, so at least pretend to like it okay?"
"Alright, alright. I'm not gonna hate it." Toni pauses. "I might though." Shelby groans.
For a second, Toni feels bad, because she sees the Shelby she knew at the beginning of their relationship, the one who would wring her hands nervously and bite her lips when she was shy.
The blonde goes through one of the dozens of shopping bags that she dragged in earlier. Toni doesn't know what to expect, there's really no event or occasion for Shelby to have bought her anything. She watches curiously as her girlfriend finally finds a small blue box and extends a slightly shaking hand to give it to her.
"It's — uh," Shelby chuckles and smiles quickly before trying to speak again. "I don't know. I don't know why I did this, actually, I just thought you'd like it."
Toni opens the box, and inside it is a necklace. The chain is gold, and thin, but what catches her eye is the pendulum.
"Is that—"
Shelby nods, "Yeah. NGC 224, the Andromeda Galaxy." Toni can see that she's still nervous when she looks back up at her. "You told me all about it when we went stargazing the night of our first kiss, do you remember? Like that it's you're favourite galaxy out there and how we're gonna collide with it in about 5 billion years and—"
"Shelby..."
"I hope it's not dumb or anything, I don't know if you even want to wear it but it's just, I thought you'd like it. We collided, you know? Like the Milky Way and Andromeda."
Toni smiles and she feels tears prickling at her eyes when she says, "This is so amazing. It's probably the best gift I've ever received, fuck."
Shelby's shoulders sag in relief and she steps closer.
"I love it," Toni says. "I love you. So much."
In the following second, the brunette wraps her girlfriend in a tight hug that she hopes conveys just how much this means to her.
Shelby mumbles something in her shoulder.
"What?"
They release each other so that she can speak clearly. "I love you too, babe."
And well, shit.
Now Toni has to tell her that she doesn't want to be touched.
"I need to talk to you," is what she manages to say, her voice strained already. She wishes it wasn't, she wishes she could reassure Shelby with her tone, but she's so nervous now that her control is slipping.
Shelby blinks and her eyes widen a little. "Oh."
Seeing the tension stick to her body again, Toni is quick to placate her, telling her that it's nothing bad. She hopes.
She wants to make the conversation as comfortable as possible though, for both of them. They go to the kitchen table and Toni makes sure not to let go of her girlfriend's hand when they sit across from each other.
Shelby is beautiful. She has to focus and Shelby is beautiful. The universe hates her, Toni thinks.
She thought that ripping the bandaid off would be the best way to do this, but when she says, "We haven't fucked," she immediately regrets her decision.
Shelby raises her eyebrows, and Toni can see a little bit of relief in her face. "I know." Her voice is gentle. "I thought maybe you wanted to wait. Which, of course, is okay. I wouldn't even know what to do..."
Toni takes a deep breath. "It's complicated." She feels Shelby's thumb rubbing gently at her knuckles, and it makes her realize that the roles have switched; she's the one being reassured now. "I want to fuck you."
Shelby turns red in about half a second, which makes the brunette smile, and the heavy air seems to lift a little. Maybe this isn't so hard.
"But," She can do this. "I don't want to be fucked."
Shelby looks at her, and some part of Toni still fears that she'll hate her, and she almost wants to get on the defensive in advance so that rejection will hurt less. But the green eyes before her are gentle.
"Can I ask why?"
"I don't think there's a reason," she explains. "It just doesn't really feel good. It's uncomfortable."
Shelby is paying attention closely and her thumb is still carefully stroking her hand. Her eyebrows are only just slightly furrowed, her lips look incredibly soft, her hair shines in the low evening light, and her jawline looks sharp from this angle. It all makes Toni's breath stutter.
She really does want to make love to her.
So she explains as best as she can. Through it all, Toni feels herself relaxing, especially when she can make Shelby blush again, and when they share laughs at dumb jokes.
"I'm afraid, though," Toni sighs, and she looks away from those beautiful eyes. "I don't want to disappoint you."
Shelby looks taken aback. "You could never disappoint me." She bends her head to maybe eye contact with Toni again. "You know that, right? I love you whether you want to be touched or not. That doesn't matter to me."
"What about what I want to do to you?" The question comes out before she can think it through. Might as well roll with it. "The things I want to do to you, Bee...they're—"
"Kinky?" Shelby interrupts. She's smiling.
Toni is reminded at this point that Fatin and Shelby have been spending lots of time together. Figures.
She smiles back, a little bit of confidence makes it into her body when she raises her eyebrow at the blonde. "Yeah. Kinky."
Shelby's twists her mouth coyly, she's trying to suppress a smiling and Toni knows.
She leans forward and licks her lips. "Is that something you're interested in?"
Toni sees Shelby's skin redden with a perseverant blush, and there's a smile big enough to show teeth building on her face. The girl raises her eyebrows suggestively.
Well. That's a resounding yes.