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He sits there and he scrubs away at the sticky mess of a spilled soda from the carpet and who in the world decided on carpet? You can't help but admire him.
He's beautiful. Something new and exciting and you think you love him. Without a doubt you admire him. It bothers you.
He's alive and so, so good with the children that enter his daycare. And he's all alone. Has been since the moment he woke, the moment his battery was charged.
The.. Head execs opened this daycare with the intent of never having Moon involved. Sun has never, and will never know he's only one half of a whole. And your heart clenches just remembering your Moon..
This Sun, this new, repurposed and so very happy Sun, will never know what having someone with him always would feel like. You can't even tell him, you would be sued to high heaven.
It makes you choke a sob.
Sun stops, looking up at you and you can read the concern in his posture, and wow, is that beautiful, how articulated he is. How expressive he is now. You can read the worry in his sparkling blue optics, their lenses cycling in on you. They aren't the milky white you know.
The tears prick your eyes, and he stumbles to his feet.
"Oh, Oh no! Oh no no no, what happened?! Did I do something wrong?-" You tune him out because if you listen any longer he just reminds you of your Sunny, how he always cared for you and always thought he did something wrong. He never did anything wrong so who made him thing that? Who would do that to your Sunny? It doesn't even matter anymore.
"N-no, not you, never you." You choke out on instinct, hands raising to rest on his sweater covered chassis. It's so different from Sunny. However the warmth that radiates from him makes the tears fall and you wail because it's still so similar. Hands clinging to this Sun and you feel so selfish, so horrible for replacing your Sunny, for not being able to see Moon again, and you wail harder because-
"He's gone! He's gone he's gone he's gone!"
Sun pauses, momentarily wondering who 'He' is, but you tremble in his arms and that's not important right now, because his new partner is falling apart in his arms like an unglued puzzle, the faintest wind scattering your pieces like it was child's play.
And it was, it would always be that way. Because you can't tell this Sun about your Sunny, about Moon , and it breaks your heart. You loved them and you lost them and you had to replace them because if you didn't you'd be fired and you'll never be able to see this new, beautiful, familiar bot before you again. And they knew it. They knew and they used that and it kills you.
You fall to your knees, the tears fall harder but your hands lock over your mouth and you simply can't. You can't cry any harder or you'd lose your mind. Your heart would shatter and you'd quite literally die of heartbreak. You feel like the strings have already cut. You just can't.
"It's ok! It's ok-" Sun is comforting you, and you wonder if you said that out loud. It wouldn't surprise you.
The damn carpet burns against your knees and Sun is there, but not your Sun, he's gone, burned up to a crisp and it hurts so much , you dig your teeth into your lip and taste blood, taste the twang of iron. Sun gently pulls at your hands but you refuse and he has to wrench them away and lock you up in his arms, holding tight and tucking your head under his faceplate. The rays retract out of the way and it all reminds you of him.
Gasping for breath, you remember all the moments you had with Sunny and Moon , oh god, Moon. All the laughter and crying. Sunny had chased you around the daycare and through the playpens and would deliberately let you slip right from his grasp. You knew that and it always made you smile. He'd tickle you to tears and then fall over into a laughing heap right beside you. He'd have his breakdowns and panic attacks and you were right there always, ready to hold him and comfort him. He'd kiss you with his silly 'mwah!'s and it hurts because you'll never have those again, they're gone forever and so is Sunny.
Moon never played nice like that, but he'd let you play again, he'd catch you and then release you for more fun and it was fun! So much fun. He'd hold you close and read stories to you. He loved to lose himself in a book so you gifted him a few, and he loved them. would read to you as you fell asleep in his lap. He'd teach you how to make the best blanket nests and would ramble into the early mornings on a good day about anything at all, and then he was gone. He was gone and it hurt and the bruises had faded but the scars hadn't, they still marred your right shoulder and your rotator cuff was ruined, couldn't lift your arm higher then your shoulder and it hurt something fierce on a cold day, but it reminded you of him nonetheless. It was all you had left of him.
"I can't, I can't, I can't-" you repeat like a mantra, clinging to Sun as best as you can and yet, he didn't know how to comfort you like Sunny did, Didn't know to press loud smooches to your cheek with that corny ' MWAH ' sound he loved so much, didn't know if he carded his digits through your hair it would relax you.
Worst of all, there was no Moon, no lullaby to tinkle out of a music box in his chassis, no lavender scent to breathe in, no servo holding the back of your neck to ground you.
No Moon.
You tremble and sob and completely fall apart in this Sun's arms and on your first day here no less. You'd just come through the door not half a minute before you even saw this Sun, hunched over and muttering about the mess. Just like Sunny. Oh god- Sunny!
When you can finally breathe without it trembling and choking you, you speak up.
"I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry." You can't help but repeat, arms having wiggled out from your trap to wind around Sun. Holding onto him desperately like he was all that was grounding you. And despite how much you know its wrong, You forget for just a moment that this isn't Sunny, and that they're both right there, crooning sweet nothings to you. But your mind rears something fierce and tells you 'No, its not Him.'
"It's ok, friend, it's ok.." And he's petting your back, rocking gently side to side, pulling you into his overall covered lap to hold you and you find it works. It's still Sun but it's different and it's working and it doesn't ruthlessly remind you of your boys. Because it's Different.
Different.
Different.
Different.
Tears would well up in your eyes if you weren't already exhausted. If you hadn't already cried them all away in mourning. This time, you just feel like shit.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's not fair to you, not fair. Not your fault." You whisper, patting his sweater covered chassis. It's maroon, the same color as Sunny's stripes. You want to die.
Sun hums, he doesn't understand why you're apologizing. He's not the one who just had a mental breakdown. Sure, that spilled soda was a pain in his behind, but it wasn't that bad? "It's ok friend, it's not good to hold it in.. That looked and sounded like it's been pushed down for a long time now. Do you feel better? Is it gone now? Do you need to talk? Sometimes I too have to let it out, it's ok." Sunny rambles- and no, you wince. He tightens his arms. Not Sunny. Sun. Sun lists it off like it's a script and it honestly probably is. Written to relate to and assure a child. You aren't a child, right now you don't even feel alive.
"I can't, I cant- No, I don't, It hurts-" you choke, unable to cry anymore but the words still wont pass your lips. Your teeth cage them in. Unable to escape. You won't jeopardize this Sun.
You won't jeopardize yourself. You don't want to be vulnerable.
So you sit in his lap, fiddling with either his sweater, or his overalls. You pick at a stray string on his cardigans cuff and slowly, you calm down. You scratch at the stickers stuck to his overalls front pocket, they smell like blueberries. You feel numb.
"Do I need to contact management?" He asks suddenly.
You said that out loud.
"No, nonono please don't do that-" you wheeze, your throat sore and breath scratchy. He soothes you with a few soft pats to your back. It evolves into back rubs and him softly singing ' Somewhere over the Rainbow' to you. And it's so different but similar to Sunny. Who loved 'You are my Sunshine.'
You feel so selfish, finding comfort in this.
You don't want to forget him, replace him. He was terrified of you leaving them. They both were.
"That sounds sad.." Sun replies, and you cry, you can't tell him and it hurts so much because he's so similar and it's still so easy to talk to him. Are all Suns like this??
What a pain..
You gather yourself up and wrench out his grasp. You refuse to replace Sunny. You can't.
Sun looks hurt that you left him so suddenly, but he catches the look of despair and hate on your face, but.. For once it's not directed at him. He knows some parents simply don't understand the new age of AI, of beings like him. But it's you, it's directed at you, you hate yourself. The way you gaze at your hands with such a scowl, cheeks flushed and brows pinched..
He gathers up his brush and sets it in your hand. "There's still a mighty stain in this darn carpet.." He looks at his internal chronometer and winces, You'd cried for four hours. No wonder you seemed so exhausted. "And you have another hour on your shift tonight." He hopes you see it for what it is, an invitation. To ignore feelings for now and to simply do something mundane, something that wont exhaust your already weak self.
You grasp the brush and avoid touching his digits. You scrub until your hands are read and Sun moves on to picking up the toys from today.
You watch him, eyes dull and red, puffy around the lids. Your cheeks are wet so you wipe them.
You both move around the room like that, for the first half you simply scrub at the carpet until your palms are sweaty and the stickiness is gone. So you clean up the soapy suds and place the towel over it to soak up the water. It'd be dry by the time the day shift came. You move on to picking up some toys Sun missed and what trash you find. Eventually the pain in your lip is just a tad annoying. No longer does the pain make you forget about the suffocating shame.
"Do-" your voice cracks, you hold back a cough. "Can you show me the bathroom?"
Sun perks up and his rays spin, they have a beautiful gradient on them, but they don't move with the rays. Were they flexible OLED screens? That's.. Kinda cool. His glittering blue optics turn from the big toy bin to you. "Oh yes! Sorry friend, this way!" He calls, his servo beckons you forward and you drop the trash in the bin to follow him.
He stops you before two bathroom doors, he opens the left and steps in, you notice the door is gendered for the feminine when you step inside. "I thought boys couldn't come in here..?" You tease weakly, and immediately scowl.
You're in the middle of mentally ripping yourself a new one with harsh words when Sun chuckles. "Well! I'm not really a guy, but I'm just gonna help you wash up!" He presents to you a tiny red first aid baggy, his front pocket looks less full. "We can go to the other if you want?" He trails off, rays spinning counter clockwise. It's inquiring. Sunny did that too.. Shame burns your cheeks.
"Nah, I don't really care.." You shrug and turn to the sink.
Sun slides up beside you and turns the sink on, he is surprisingly quiet as he folds and wets a tiny cloth rag, its stained and was fished from his pocket. Was it his? He hums to some jaunty tune as he gently cleans your face of tears and, embarrassingly, snot.
"Ugh, please don't, I can clean that-" You start, raising a hand. But Sun gently bats your hand away and resumes.
"Nonsense, I've dealt with worse. Ever change a baby with loose bowels? I have, twice." He pauses to look into the distance, it brings a smile to your face. He looks back just in time to catch it and gives you a grin.
"You're so expressive. It's cool." You remark lamely, unable to say what you really want. That your Sunny was frozen with a spooky grin. That it brought him so much pain and discomfort to see kids and parents alike shy away from him. You wanna deck whoever built them like that, it was cruel..
He gives you a wide grin and you get the impression he's showing off. You notice a tooth gap. Selfishly, you find it cute.
"Well, can't scare the children, hmn?" He sounds like Moon. It throws you for a loop.
"No, I suppose not." You want to fill the sink and drown yourself.
You turn away slightly when he finishes, but he turns your head and places a new cloth over your eyes. It's damp, cool to the touch and soothes the ache behind your eyes. It's microfiber. This was definitely his.
"I need you to relax that frown, friend!" He gently nudges you with his knee, it bumps your side and brushes your oversized t-shirt. Thinking he wants you to turn so you do. Large servos slide under your armpits and he lifts you on top of the counter, you choke on your breath. It's over quickly and you're sitting between two sinks before you can release your cough. The counter is cold against your exposed thighs. You'd dressed light today, green shorts and a oversized band T. You regret it.
He stands between your knees as he tilts your head up, and you rip yourself a new one again, selfish selfish selfish-
"Open. I need to fix that lip o' yours now, alrighty?"
Sun is strict, he gives you no room to argue even if his voice is synthesized to be light and happy. Comforting. It's like they meshed Moon's strict attitude with Sunny's happy bouncy voice..
Different.
Different.
Different.
You open your mouth and he gently takes your lip under his thumb, he hums as he looks it over. The skin is split and it hasn't clotted all the way but it doesn't bleed horribly anymore.
You hear him rummage around the little bag and then something dry presses to your lip. It wipes gently and it stings. his thumb holding your lip down to see. It makes you flush and that makes you berate yourself more.
"Sorry sorry, I know it hurts. That's why we don't bite ourselves.." He retorts, and despite sounding like a script, it feels heartfelt. You cannot respond.
He holds the cloth to your busted lip for a bit, pulling it back now and then to check. Eventually, it's all dried and clotted up. He grabs something else and you hear something being unscrewed. The tap runs for a second before he's back and he runs his digit over your lip, smearing something on it and around the wound. He rubs it in for a moment. The smell and, fortunately brief, taste tell you its Vaseline.
"Don't lick this off." Stern. You flush again. Berate yourself again.
"It's minimally toxic." He adds, an afterthought.
He drops a little pill between your lips, and gently tips a little bit of water into your mouth. Careful to avoid the wound. "Swallow." You do, practically on instinct.
Another Afterthought. You think you hear a smile in his words. "It's Ibuprofen." Pause. "For the pain."
The burning on your cheeks is noticeably uncovered from the cloth over your eyes. It wouldn't matter, it spreads to your ears and down your neck. You feel like shit despite the warmth in your chest.
What would Sunny think? What would Moon?
You don't think about it. Sun removes that cloth from your eyes. They feel better at least. And you blink open your eyes. He isn't looking at you, busy putting things back in the baggie and sliding it into his front pocket. His rags are wrung out and he deposits them in their respective pockets.
Rag, pocket.
Microfiber, front pouch. With the first aid bag.
"You feelin' any better, Bug?" He asks, and the pet name throws you for a loop. "Ah, yea.. Thanks."
"Good, you should've clocked out about two minutes ago, so hop to it, I'll see you later!" He smiles and waves, sliding out the bathroom door and away.
When you find the strength to leave also, Sun isn't around. But the ajar door down the hall and the light shining through tell you he's there. The sound of a washing machine beeping clues you in.
As you leave, you wonder if Sunny would hate you.
You don't feel like thinking about Moon's opinion. You knew it already anyway.