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It was Sirius's wedding. Of course Regulus would be here. His brother was getting married.
Fuck.
Somehow this fact didn't occur to James -didn't actually register fully in his mind- until he was walking down the hall to his hotel room the day of the rehearsal, nearly bumping into Regulus as he was walking out of his own room next door.
Of course they would be roomed right next to each other.
Fuck fuck fuck.
"Hey" he said lamely, flashing a half smile he hoped looked more genuine than nervous.
Regulus let the door close softly behind him, blinking up at James in mild surprise.
"Hi" he said flatly as he made to walk passed toward the elevator.
James stopped him with a hand on his arm. "I didn't..." he fumbled for something -anything- to say, "I wasn't sure you'd be here."
"Why wouldn't I be here? He's my brother. My actual brother."
He bristled slightly at the tone, at the implication that Sirius was less of a brother to him than to Regulus, but he let it go.
"I just mean... well I meant that I was surprised, is all. I didn't realize this wedding meant we would... that I would see you." He laughed a little at how stupid that sounded, an attempt to lighten the mood as he ruffled his hair a bit. "I didn't think I guess..."
"You mean you didn't agonize over us having to be in the same room nearly an entire weekend?"
"That's... not what-"
"Because that makes one of us."
James let his eyes close as the words washed over him. It hurt.
"Come on Reggie..."
"No." Regulus said, turning away slightly. He took a deep breath, steadying himself. "No, you don't get to call me that."
"We should talk, Reg. I want to talk."
He scoffed. "Oh your finally ready to talk?" He looked James in the eye for the first time then, for the first time since James left him crying by the lake, the first time in four years. "I'll pass."
James opened his mouth to respond, but Regulus was already walking away.
"Your two best friends are getting married" he said as he left. "You should go be with them."
He stood there in the hall, watching the elevator doors close and the floor number change on the screen above it. This is fair, James thought. I deserve this.
--
Regulus let the doors close fully before he collapsed against the side wall, breathing heavily, maybe crying a little, he really wasn't sure. He took a few deep breaths as the elevator made its way down to the lobby. He wiped his face, gave himself a little shake and plastered on his best smile as Marlene's loud laugh floated through the crack in the doors before they even opened.
"Reggie-baby!" She squeeled, throwing her arms around him. "Gah! I missed you! Coffee? Let's get coffee. I'm dying to catch up!"
He laughed, hugging her back a little tighter than he would normally have, letting himself get roped into her ever infectious energy as she pulled him along toward the cafe next door. He had missed her, had missed everyone really, but especially Marlene. Even in times when they owl'ed every day, it couldn't compare to this. It always felt just like it did back in school when they got together. Like they were in the Slytherin common room ranking all the people they would kiss in order, or passing notes in class so riddled with inside jokes they wouldn't make sense to anyone else who might read them.
Marlene was his rock, and this weekend he needed a rock.
"Are you sure you need a coffe?" He joked, opening the door for them to walk through together. "You look like you might shake out of your clothes!"
She just rolled her eyes and strolled to the counter, pointedly ordering herself the largest, most obnoxiously sweet thing on the menu before adding on his usual, simple, latte. They walked around, checking the little shops and sipping their drinks as they chatted away freely, easily.
They talked about Dorcas, and her own plans to propose within the year. They talked about Regulus's healer training and the new medical wing at St. Mungos, her courses on beauty potions and her persistent dream to open a shop some day. They talked about Sirius and Remus and how perfectly opposite they seemed back in school, how happy they made each other, and how happy they both were for them. They talked about everything under the sun except James. At least until...
"I saw Potter at the apparition point when I got here" she said tentatively, tossing her cup in a nearby bin as they walked back toward the hotel. "You ok?"
"I'm fine."
Lie.
"We talked in the hall. It was... fine."
Another lie.
"I think his room is next to mine, but I'm not sure. Didn't really notice."
Lie. Lie. Lie.
She hummed, clearly unconvinced, but let it go as she looped her arm in his and rested her head on his shoulder. "I missed you."
"Of course you did. I'm incredible" he replied easily, grinning.
He expected a comeback or something typically witty. Instead she simply hummed again, picking her head up to kiss his cheek quickly, saying "you really are" as they walked inside.
His heart twisted. He needed to hear it, she knew. She always knew.
"Oh, Merlin" he laughed. "I won't make it through the weekend if you insist on... feelings..."
She laughed, giving him a poke in the side as they walked back into the lobby. "You're too easy, babe."
--
Marlene knew. Had probably known since the very first night he and Reggie had gotten together. James could feel it in the way she glared at him all throughout seventh year. The way she shot a quick glare at him now across the lobby, arm in arm with Regulus, mid-laugh. They could be walking down the 4th floor corridor, or through the great hall the way they looked together. Crazy how all those feelings, all that longing, just comes right back.
He wondered if they had talked about him wherever they had been together. He found himself hoping they had.
Marlene never told anyone about him and Regulus. She'd never mentioned all the late nights she covered for Reg or the way they both showed up late, lips swollen. He knew that by how nothing ever changed at school, how no one ever questioned him. Marlene had kept that quiet at Regulus's request, surely, and it surprised him to realize that Marlene Mckinnon wasn't the gossip everyone had made her out to be all this time.
"We can go out after" Remus was saying, arms wrapped around Sirius in front of him at the hotel bar. "The whole group, after dinner. We'll get plastered and we'll dance, ...and we'll find Prongs here a man to hook-up with in the bathroom."
Sirius laughed. James choked on his drink.
"I don't need to..." he turned his head, checking to make sure no one was listening before he continued in a quieter voice "hook-up with anyone in any bathrooms. Fuck sake, Moons" he laughed, taking a sip of his firewhiskey for something to do.
"We know you don't need to. But don't you want to? Just a little?" Sirius grinned, giving him a nudge. "Or is there someone already?"
"Ooooohhhh" Remus sang out. "Is that why you finally decided to stumble out of the closet then?"
"I didn't stumble you dick" he rolled his eyes, and took another sip. "And no, there isn't anyone."
"Personally I felt stumble was generous" Sirius shrugged.
"Yea, what I really meant was 'fell ungracefully like a newborn baby deer fresh outa his mama's-'".
"Ok!" He laughed, cutting the visual short before Remus couls really build up steam. "Alright, fuck. Stumble works." He took another sip, froze, then put his glass down with a loud clank.
"Wait. What do you mean finally came out?"
Sirius barked a laugh, loud and unrestrained, the firewhiskey raising his voice slightly. "We knew. Well... I knew since like... 5th year. Moons brought it up when you started dating Lily after graduation. Peter might not have known though."
"How in the actual fu-"
"Prongs." Remus said simply. "We're your best friends. We all shared a room for 7 years."
"Plus you are not as smooth as you think you are."
James stared at Sirius, both hoping he would elaborate, and that he would never bring it up again.
"Personally I always had my money on Evan, that Slytherin boy the year below us" Remus said, casual, but grinning mad.
"That boy in Reggies year?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded around a sip of his own drink. "No way. Plus... Slytherin?" He made a gagging noise and they all laughed.
"Hey, your brother is Slytherin" James laughed nervously, feeling choked, feeling like he was shrinking by the second.
"Yea and Marlene" Remus added. "You better take that back before she comes over here and kicks your ass." He nodding toward the elevators where she kept her arm looped through Regulus's.
They were still laughing. James could hear tiny whispers of it even from across the room, and he had to physically stop himself from following.
"Gasp! Not on my wedding day! She would never!" He protested dramatically, finishing his drink with a flourish.
James rolled his eyes. "It's not your wedding day yet..."
"Speaking of all the shit we still have to do" Sirius sighed, dropping some money into the tip jar at the bar, "We need to get dressed for that rehearsal."
"And the dinner" Remus added.
"And the club" James finished, giving a little nod.
Rehersal. Dinner. Drinking. Dancing. Wedding. More drinking. More dancing.
Regulus...
Regulus who didn't want to talk. Regulus who might not know he had finally come out. Regulus who still made his heart beat in his throat, and his fingers tingle.
Fuck.
--
The rehearsal was fine. Regulus stood next to Sirius like a good little brother and watched as James went through the parts of the ceremony he would be performing the next day. Sirius only diva'd out once when Peter asked which door they walk through for the fourth time, and soon enough they were all sitting together at a long table in the back of some muggle restaurant he had never heard of while Fleamont made a toast, and Hope cried a little on Lyalls shoulder.
He did the best he could to avoid James without making a scene. It was damn hard too when he looked so good. When James kept staring at him, not even bothering to try and be discreet. They would lock eyes and he would just smile. Like that tense moment outside of their hotel room never happened. Like they were friends. Like he hadn't ripped his heart apart.
Sirius was stressed, flipping out over every little thing as if there was any way this wedding would be perfect to his standards after only a few weeks of planning. Remus did his best to calm him with words only the two of them could hear, and Regulus felt a pang of jealousy by how happy his brother was. He wanted that. At one point in time he thought he had it with James. Two dumb teenagers holding onto each other, terrified of becoming adults, trying hard to live in those little hidden moments they stole for themselves behind tapestries and in broom closets.
Hidden moments would have never been enough for the long term, but they seemed like everything at the time. James seemed like the whole world back then, and it still hurt to know he hadn't been enough for him. Looking at James now felt like it was ending all over again. Whatever moron said time heals all wounds had clearly never met James fucking Potter.
--
"Space for one?" Lily asked, tapping James on the shoulder as she slid into the barstool next to him before he could answer.
The club they wound up at after dinner had just enough people there to be considered crowded, but wasn't so packed you couldn't find a place to sit if you wanted. James was already ready to call it a night, but was determined to make the best of it for Remus and Sirius.
"Hey, yea of course! I'm just getting a round for the table." He leaned in for a hug, smiling wide. "I thought about saving you a seat at the dinner but..."
She laughed lightly, rolling her eyes. "Yea well, Rem had me glued to his side anyway. It's really good to see you though. You look good. Happy."
"I am, yea. You too. You look... beautiful."
He meant it. She really did look beautiful, just like she always had. Maybe that's why it had been so easy for him to believe that she was the love of his life at eleven years old. Or why he spent the next seven years trying to convince himself and everyone else it was true despite the fireworks he felt when he kissed Regulus for the first time, and every other time after. Lily was simply a beautiful person.
Even when they had broken up, nearly three years ago now, she was there for him, finding a way back to kindness so quickly, even through all her justified anger.
She had shown up within 30 minutes of him sending the owl pounding on the door with tears in her eyes.
"What the actual fuck James!"
"I'm sorry Lily... I am I just... I can't do this anymore."
"And I don't get any explanation? You took up a year of my life you think it's ok to end things with a one sentence fucking owl?!"
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth would be nice!"
"Lily..." he choked out as tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, I just- it's... it's not you, ok? It's me. It's me Lil. I can't..."
"That's it?" She scoffed. "It's not you, it's me?" She threw her arms up in frustration. "That's a load of shit and you know it!"
He just looked at the floor, trying not to cry, trying to not be a coward about this one.
"Is it... because I've gained a little weight?" She half whispered.
"No! Fuck sake Lil, is that what you think of me?!"
"Then what? Everything seemed great just yesterday! I deserve an answer... I think after all this time you owe me that much." She wiped her tears away angrily, waiting for him speak, but he didn’t. "I can’t see how you can just make that decision out of the blue unless you're like... I don't know... fucking gay or something."
He looked up at her, tears streaming down his face, and nodded. It was a tiny movement, but it took all the energy he had in his body, and he collapsed into the nearest chair.
"Oh..." Lily gasped. "Oh god. James, I'm-" She knelt on the floor beside his chair and pulled him into a hug. "I'm so sorry. What an awful way for me to say... I didn't mean it like that I'm just... I'm sorry..."
"It's ok" he managed, his head resting on her shoulder as the tears poured uncontrollably.
"It's not. I'm sorry."
They cried together on and off for hours that day, and then some the next day too. She was the first person he told, and even though he knew it was the right decision, losing her in that way was really hard. They would always be close, but they would not -could not- build a life together.
It took over two years for him to come out to anyone else. He was determined in that time to move on from Regulus and his stupid teenage fantasy. It had been years, and he was still, at best, distracted from the what if’s. Never fully moved on. Never sure he would find someone else. Not even sure he wanted to.
"Thanks" she beamed at him. "It's this dress, I'm telling you. Bought it for Kingsley's big birthday thing a few months back and I'm going to use every opportunity to wear it as much as possible."
"As you should" he laughed. "Where is King by the way? Thought he was your plus 1?"
"Oh he's coming in tonight after work. Should be apparating in any time now actually so he might join us later. Plus, you know he would never miss the opportunity to see Pete dance."
James looked over her shoulder to where Peter was on the dance floor, already tearing it up with the worm.
They brought the drinks to the cluster of tables where everyone had claimed seats, eventually making their way onto the dance floor. The music was loud and the crowd was rowdy. It was easy to feel drunk on it all, even without a drop to drink.
Kingsley showed up less than an hour in and bought another round as an apology for being late, and him and Lily practically humped each other right there on the stool as they waited for the drinks at the bar.
James had tried to talk to Regulus a few times. Tried to dance with him too, but was basically ignored. When Reg went back to the tables for a break, he took his opportunity and joined him.
"Crazy night, eh?" He said with his voice raised over the music.
Regulus just smiled a flat smile and nodded, looking away.
"I owl'ed you" James tried again, "4 years ago, I mean. I tried to but-"
"Yea I told Kreacher to send anything from you back. "
"I figured... look Reggie, I-"
He cut across him with a look.
"Sorry. Regulus" he corrected. "I really do want to talk... to apologize..."
Regulus said nothing. He just watched as their friends danced away, laughing as he shook his head at Marlene who was trying to coax him back out to dance.
"I came out. A few months ago now, I- yea."
"I know, I heard." Kingsley and Lily sat down the fresh tray of drinks on their way back to the dance floor. Regulus grabbed one and took a small sip. "Everyone heard. It's kinda front page news when Quidditch gets it's first ever gay chaser."
"First out gay chaser."
Regulus nodded, looking into his drink for a long stretch before speaking again "Good for you, James. I'm... happy you're happy." He set his nearly full drink back on the tray and stood up. "Excuse me."
James watched him head toward the bathroom, his heart pouding as if it knew he was going to make the choice to follow him without his brain ever deciding to.
He pushed the door open before it had fully closed behind Regulus.
"James." Reg said, warningly. "I don't want to talk right now, ok?
"Ok" he ruffled his hair and nodded, turning around to leave and then turning back again. "I just... it hurt me too. Maybe it was my fault, and maybe I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness or whatever... but it hurt me too Reggie. Every fucking day."
"Couldn't have hurt that bad" he muttered, looking at James through the bathroom mirror. "You didn't even realize I'd be here."
"Every time I thought about this wedding I basically had a full panick attack about having to do the fucking ceremony, so yea... sorry it wasn't the first damn thing on my mind."
"Oh fuck you" Reg spat, turning the tap for water to splash on his face. "You know what I meant."
"That's the thing, Reg, I don't! You can act like I ignored you for four years, but you wouldn't let me in to explain either!"
"Explain what?! How you left me for Lily because you were too embarrassed to be in love with me? How you could only ever want me in secret?! What else could you possibly have said, James?!"
"I wasn't embarrassed of you! I was fucking terrified!"
That was true. James was on track to be the youngest chaser to make a professional team in over one hundred years. He wasn't sure the world was ready for him to be gay. He wasn't sure he was ready to give up the life he had imagined for himself growing up. He wasn't sure he was ready to fall so fast at 17 years old for his best friends little brother. He had been absolutely terrified.
"Of what?! That all of your gay as hell friends would turn their backs on you? That your loving parents would abandon you?" He shook his head and looked down at the floor. "You used me. For seven months you used me and then you ended it without a second thought."
"I loved you" James croaked. He took a few steps forward, his heart skipping when Regulus shuffled a half step toward him too. "I loved you and I just... I wasn't prepared for that."
"Yea, well" he sniffed, wipping a rouge tear from his cheek. "Neither was I. But here we are."
"Reggie...." James took another small step forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind Regulus's ear.
"Don't..." he said at the nickname. But it came out in a whisper, a groan, and his head moved to lean into the palm of James's hand against his will as they inched even closer.
"If you tell me right now to go, I promise... I won't ever bother you again."
Their eyes met, longing, begging.
"I think I hate you" Regulus said in a low voice, tilting his head to let James's lips brush again his jaw.
James placed a soft, chaste kiss there, lips burning as Regulus trembled slightly. "I think I love you."
"Oh god" Reg breathed, taking both James' hands in his and spinning on the spot to apparate with a loud crack.
--
Regulus made the decision in a second, already having some doubts about it as they landed just inside the door of his hotel room. But James was kissing him like he had never been kissed, and fuck did he want this.
"Smooth" James laughed, stepping back to slip his shoes off before moving to losen Regulus's tie.
Regulus smiled and rolled his eyes. "Shut. Up."
He pushed James toward the bed, unbuttoning shirts and taking off pants as they stumbled along. He could feel James was hard already as they pressed up against each other, running his hands roughly through that ever messy hair. He rolled his hips as they fell on the bed, needing to release some of the pressure building up in his own cock.
"Fuck" James groaned, grabbing him around the waste and pressing in a little more. He rolled them a little so that Regulus's leg was thrown over his, practically straddling him. "Oh god, oh fuck."
Regulus leaned down and kissed him again, his eyes lulling closed as James's hands ran up and down his bare back. It was familiar, but different. Familiar because it was James; because it felt easy and right. Different because... they weren’t the same people now.
"You don't really hate me" James said, sitting up to run his teeth along Regulus's collar bone and down toward to his nipple, pressing his hips up almost involuntarily, making them both groan.
Regulus breathed heavily, wanting so bad it was nearly painful as he ran his hands back through James's hair.
"Yea, well, you don't really love me."
James froze for a second, then looked up into Regulus's lust blown eyes. "I might." His voice shook, with desire or nerves, Regulus couldn't tell.
"Well, let me know when you figure it out" he whispered, taking James' face in both hands and kissing him slowly, reverently.
James reached between them and wrapped a palm around Regulus's cock and have it a pull, groaning with want as he twitched in his hand.
"Oh, fuck me" Regulus swore, the contact making him leak as his eyes rolled back.
"Is that... do you want that?" James gave his cock a few more pulls, pressing his palm against the head and using the precum to smooth his strokes.
"Yes" Regulus choked. "God, yes."
James flipped them over with all the ease of a professional Quidditch player and kissed him slowly, working his way down to the soft spot just below his jaw that Regulus always loved as he spread his legs open and, with a tiny nod from Regulus, he slipped one finger, still wet from precum, slowly into his tight ass.
James was standing at the edge of the bed, one hand working Regulus's entrance, the other slowly stroking his own cock. The sight alone nearly pushed Regulus to the edge, and his legs trembled from how good it all felt.
"I'm going to add another finger, ok Reggie?"
He nodded, squirming as James put another finger in, back arching slightly as he let out a soft groan.
"Fuck" James said, taking the hand that was holding his cock and running it along Regulus's thigh. "You're so... beautiful."
He kissed Regulus on the knee, then on the inner thigh, holding one of his legs steady as Reg let out another soft moan when he bent his fingers and gave them a little twist.
"James please" Regulus begged, voice cracking as he squeezed his own throbbing dick, desperate for contact.
James put in another finger, slower this time. "So fucking beautiful..."
James worked him until he felt opened enough, until Regulus's panting evened out and he felt he wouldn't spill right over on the first stroke.
"Are you ok?" James asked leaning down and stretching to suck lightly just above his collar bone.
"I swear to god if you don't fuck me right now I'm going to lose my mind" Regulus said, a breathy laugh escaping him.
James huffed a laugh too and kissed his lips slowly, sweetly. He stood up and pressed Regulus's legs toward his chest, opening him as he lined up.
He slid in slowly, letting them adjust before pushing in a little further. Regulus watched James' eyes roll back as he let out a long, half whispered groan. He could tell how much it took for James to move this cautiously, how much he was holding back for him.
"Hey" Regulus said suddenly, reaching out for James's hand. "Come here."
He moved back on the bed, letting James's cock slip out as he did.
"You alright?" James asked, a concerned look on his face.
"Yea, I just..." Regulus intertwined their fingers and smiled shyly. "I wanted you... up here."
James smiled, relieved, and leaned down for a kiss, eager, quicker this time as he lined up again, slipping in with more ease. James let go of his hands so he could support himself with his forehead pressed firmly against Regulus's.
His strokes got quicker, hips rolling as they both moaned loudly. James kissed whatever part of Reg that his lips could reach, and Regulus held onto his arms for dear life, unable to look away from those beautiful brown eyes.
"James..." he panted. "I'm so close. Jamie..."
"Yes" he breathed, reaching between them to grab Regulus's cock, pumping fiercely as he watched Regulus's pupils blow, his back arching. "Yes, come for me baby."
Regulus came wildly, groaning so loud it might have been a scream, and trembling uncontrollably. The sight of it made James mad with pleasure. Like a wave suddenly crashing down. Two deep strokes and he reached the edge, unable to breathe, unable to see clearly, and his legs too week to fully support him as he half fell on top of Regulus, both of them still shaking slightly as they caught their breath.
"That was..." he said, turning to look at James, searching his eyes for answers, for... something.
"Yea..." James replied taking a deep breath as he stood up and rummaged through his clothes. He pulled his wand out and cast a quick cleaning charm before tossing it aside. "Sorry" he chuckled. "I can't stand the mess..."
He threw himself back where he had been laying next to Regulus and let out a long, contented sigh. They laid there shoulder to shoulder for several minutes, neither knowing what to say, both feeling the weight of it all.
"You don't have to stay" Regulus said after a bit. "You have the ceremony tomorrow, and it's a big day and-"
"I want to stay" he cut in. "If that's....you know, if you want me to."
He thought for a moment, then replied: "I think you should do whatever you want, James."
"Please don't do that" James sighed. "If you want me here, just say it."
"I... want you to stay."
James turned to face him, foreheads touching as he interlocked their hands between them. "And I want to be here."
"I don't really hate you" Regulus breathed, a single tear rolling down his cheek and onto his nose.
James tiilted his head to kiss it. "That's good, because I still think I might love you." He sniffed and tried to swallow the rapidly growing lump in his throat. "Don't think I ever stopped loving you, really. Got busy, distracted... but never came even close to loving anyone like this. Never came close to moving on."
"I can't... don't hurt me, James" he choked out. "Please... just be here when I wake up."
James let out a sob and moved in closer, wrapping his legs around Regulus's. "I'll be here" he whispered. "I'll be here, I promise." He whispered it again and again until they both fell asleep, tears in their eyes, kisses on their lips.
--
Sirius burst through the door at seven the next morning with a low grade bombarda, grinning madly and spinning in circles like the worlds most psychotic ballerina.
"I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! WHOOHOOO!"
"Well, good morning, Sirius" Regulus laughed, rubbing his eyes as he sat up in bed.
"IM GETTING MARRIED TODAAAAYYYYY!" He repeated, off key and somehow even louder.
"Yea you are!"
"I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY!" Sirius sang out again, closing the door behind him as he left.
James tossed the covers off of his face and sat up. "Think he knew I was here?"
"I think if he did, he would still be in here talking about it."
"Good point" James laughed, ruffling his hair and stretching. "Hey, do you want to, like, I don't know... come get ready in my room? I could read some of my ceremony speech to you, or we could order breakfast..."
"Sirius will come looking for you. And if not him, then Remus."
"So?"
"They'll know...."
"Good. It'll be less awkward than them finding out at their wedding during the reception when I kiss you in the middle of every single slow dance." He started to hum the terrible tune Sirius had been singing as he jostled them both, trying to dance sitting in bed.
Regulus snorted a laugh, and his heart skipped a beat. "Oh god, you're such a dork."
"Yes. Yes I am." James laughed standing up and holding his hand out. "Breakfast?"
He looked up at James's still naked body, with his messier than usual morning hair and his playful grin, and his heart pounded in his chest. He took James' hand and let himself be pulled into soft kiss.
He groaned at the pleasure it was already arousing. "If we didn't have so much to do I'd pull you right back down on this bed with me." He could see James pupils grow, almost pulse at the thought.
"Well..." James said, nodding toward the bathroom. "We could jump in the shower... multitask..."
"God yes."
Ultimately it would be Marlene who caught them together, one of only 2 people who knew the passwords Regulus always used on his doors. She came in the room and heard them laughing in the shower, but didn't tell anyone, not even Regulus. She let them tell the world the way they wanted: with a long kiss during a slow song in the middle of the dance floor. It was fucking beautiful.