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all of a sudden the room felt too small, her fears too large and the lashes of anxiety started to whip out and grasp her small frame. she quickly sunk to the floor of her home office, heartbeat racing, panting hard as her brain blared alarm bells about not being able to breath.
“joohyun?” seungwan meekly called out to no avail. her partner was already upstairs, waiting for her
“joohyun?” she tried again weakly, afraid to get up, her brain still blaring alarms
“joohyun?” she tried one more desperate time to no response. seungwan forced herself to stand and move to the kitchen, where she collapsed to the floor again, heart pounding even harder and sudden wave of warmth engulfed her. too warm. hot. too hot. she was going to die on the kitchen floor. breathing hard she attempted to fight back the thoughts in her brain but there were too many too fast. finally she gained a tiny bit of control and tried to bring her breathing down against everything in her brain telling her not to. as she somewhat steadied her breathing she started to feel the tears falling down her face and dripping into her lap. she steeled herself and got up with more force than someone experiencing an anxiety attack probably should but stayed up and forced herself to walk upstairs to the bedroom.
by the time seungwan got to the bedroom she was a wreak, heart pounding out of her chest, panting heavily, tears falling everywhere. as she began to take her clothes off she suddenly felt all of the fabric all over her and it was too much. way too much. she needed to get it off as fast as possible. as seungwan threw her clothes onto the floor, joohyun took notice of the situation and asked as softly but audibly as possible “what’s wrong wannie?” seungwan didn’t respond and only threw herself into bed panting hard as ever, mind fuzzy and racing with too many thoughts all at once
“seungwan” joohyun said gently but a little louder. seungwan finally managed to turn and look at her, straining through a pool of tears that had gathered in her eyes. “seungwan” joohyun said again, and then shifted her voice to something softer and started “deep breaths baby, you’re okay i promise” seungwan only shook her head and continued to pant, writhing on the bed while trying to maintain her focus on joohyun. joohyun clasped her hand around seungwan’s and started again “you have to stop panting baby.” she shifted to be on top of her partner “i’m going to draw a box on your skin okay? all you have to do is breath in when i draw the first line up, hold while i go across, breath out while i go down, and then hold again when i go back across.” seungwan nodded slightly and tried to focus her attention to joohyun’s fingers.
joohhyun started tracing and spoke softly “in..hold..out..hold.. just like that baby.” seungwan’s breathing followed her instructions and began to even out after a few repetitions. seungwan opened her mouth to speak but she was interrupted by joohyun’s softest tone “shh shh wannie we aren’t talking right now, we’re just breathing.”
she continued to softly trace a slow box on seungwan’s bare chest, making sure to match their breathing together. seungwan started to relax and slip out of her anxiety attack when all of a sudden and everywhere she felt wrong. her breathing picked up again and she started to toss and turn. “baby” joohyun called out loudly breaking the cacophony of thoughts that had suddenly started whipping through seungwan’s brain. she turned to face joohyun, tears again streaming down her face and moved to press their bodies together. she held onto joohyun for dear life, allowing herself to relax just a tiny bit into the hug.
joohyun held her back tightly and whispered “breath baby, slow breaths with me.” seungwan did her best to comply as joohyun started again to draw a slow box on her back. several minutes past like that, the two lovers held tight together, seungwan afraid to let go and joohyun happily complying. finally seungwan eased her grip, her breathing finally controlled and her overwhelming typhoon of thoughts slowly fading. she wrapped johyun’s hand in hers tightly and laid down on her back, glassy eyes staring up at the ceiling.
as she calmed down more she focused on joohyun’s presence next to her, felt the love she felt for her girlfriend spread through her as warmth.
“hyun” seungwan spoke impossibly softly, voice breaking as she tried to get the syllables out “i love you.”