Work Text:
Kanata was tired. Being a “God” was tiring. Attempting to be a “hero” was tiring. Kanata just wanted to float in the ocean. He wanted to stay in the water forever. But Chiaki would find him. Or Kuro would. If Kanata were to float, he would make his boyfriends sad. Kanata didn’t want to do that. He was tired of hurting the people he loved.
“ God have you seen Shinkai-san? He’s such a weirdo. ”
“ He was part of the oddballs for a reason. ”
Kanata wasn’t weird, didn’t those people realize that? If he was weird then what was Wataru? He pretended not to hear the two gossipers, continuing to stare out the window.
“ He’s always hanging on Morisawa-san or Kiryuu-san. When will he realize he’s nothing but a burden to them? ”
No…That wasn’t true. Chiaki and Kuro loved them. They both said so, multiple times a day. They loved Kanata…right?
“ I can’t wait to see the look on his face when they finally show that they’re tired of him. They deserve better honestly. Ryuseitai would be better off without him anyway. ”
Kanata heard enough. He didn’t want to listen anymore. He would simply do as Rei does, just sleep through class, drown out the noise.
Drown…Drown… Drowning sounded nice …
-------------
Chiaki and Kuro were waiting for Kanata at the school gates once school ended. They wouldn’t do that if they didn’t love Kanata right? If they didn’t enjoy his presence? It’s all a prank, They don’t really care.
Chiaki smiled and grabbed Kanata’s hand. Why taint yourself like this? A hero is pure, being around me will only corrupt the purity .
Kuro ruffled Kanata’s hair and kissed his cheek. How are you not disgusted by touching me? Don’t you want me gone by now? Don’t you wish that I would just leave you alone?
“Kanata?” Chiaki’s voice broke through the rushing water, “Are you okay?”
Both of them were looking at Kanata, they were worried. God, Kanata was stupid. He worried the two people who were burdened enough by him.
Kanata smiled, “I’m “alright”, don’t worry Chiaki.”
Kanata wasn’t fine. But they didn’t have to know. They would be free of the- his burden soon enough.
As they all walked out of Yumenosaki grounds, Kanata made sure the sharpness of his own thoughts hurt him .
Sharpness. Sharpness… A knife. Kanata needed a knife.
-------------
Kanata watched as the bathtub filled with water. The water… Kanata wanted to drown . He couldn’t do it alone though. He needed…
He walked downstairs. Nobody was home. Nobody would stop him. He doubted anyone would try. One, two, three, four, five, six …He counted the steps he took as he walked to the kitchen. Forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven. It took forty-seven steps to reach the kitchen from the stairs. It took an extra six steps to reach the knives… It needs to be sharp. It has to be sharp. What’s the point if it isn’t sharp?
As Kanata grabbed the knife, he remembered a time where he cut himself by accident. He remembers how Kuro had gotten worried, how Kuro took time out of his already busy schedule to help Kanata clean up the cut. It wasn’t even a deep cut, yet Kanata burdened Kuro so much. Kuro would be better off after this. Kanata wouldn’t keep him from his more important tasks anymore.
This time it took 25 steps to reach the stairs…Kanata either lost track of counting due to the numbing buzz in his ears or it genuinely was 25 steps, he was just walking faster this time. It didn’t matter, what was the point in thinking about this? It would all be gone soon.
When Kanata got back to his bathroom, the tub was almost full. Satisfied by the level of the water, Kanata turned off the faucet. The knife was set beside the tub as he took off his clothes. Just like when he would puka puka , only this time, he wouldn’t be stopped.
Once Kanata was in the freezing cold water, he could hear all the times Chiaki scolded him for being in the fountain when it was cold. When Chiaki would make sure Kanata didn’t get sick, then blame himself when Kanata did end up sick but do his best to take care of him. Kanata caused his hero so much pain. He would free him. It was Kanata’s turn to be the “hero” .
Kanata grabbed the knife, running his fingers along the blade. It was sharp, just the way he wanted it. The way he needed it.
The first cut was shaky, going from the edge of his wrist and downward. The second one was easier. By the time he finished the third, and then the three on the other arm (it hurt like a bitch), his hand was steadier at making the cuts.
Kanata felt lightheaded from the bloodloss. His arms burned, the knife fell somewhere, his ears rang. Despite all of this, Kanata was smiling. He was grinning like a cat, grinning as much as he did when he first confessed to Kuro and Chiaki. He had no idea how long he sat in that tub, his body numb and blood pouring from his arms into the water.
Distantly, Kanata could hear something being hit. It didn’t matter, his vision was starting to become sprinkled with black dots. It would only take a few more seconds, a minute at most, probably. Kanata leaned his head back, looking at the bathroom ceiling, still grinning.
“ I “saved” them…They won’t be in “pain” any longer… ”
Something broke. Loud thumping was heard going through the house, up the stairs, towards the bathroom.
For a second, Kanata heard the bathroom door bust open. For a second, he heard someone shout out, “KANATA!” It was only a second. Then it was all gone.
-------------
Natsume was sobbing outside of a hospital room. He was the one who found Kanata in that tub. It hurt just to remember.
All Natsume wanted was to spend time with his nii-sans, but when Kanata wouldn’t answer his texts, Natsume got scared. He ran to Kanata’s home. When nobody answered the door, Natsume grew even more worried and broke open the door. He’d pay for it later, he had to make sure Kanata was okay.
He ran, through the house, up the stairs, almost to Kanata’s room, until the smell hit him. It was blood. It was coming from the bathroom . Natsume had never run faster in his life. The sight when he opened the bathroom door. It was too much. Natsume had to watch, watch as his nii-san bled out into the bathtub full of ice cold water, watch as the life faded from Kanata’s eyes before he even got the chance to look at Natsume.
Everything else was a blur. Calling an ambulance, explaining what he knew to the doctors, watching as his nii-san was taken by the doctors. He didn’t even remember texting his other nii-sans. The memories flooded in as he sobbed on the floor, terrified out of his mind as doctors went in and out of the room Kanata was taken into.
“Natsume!” Rei.
Natsume looked up as Rei ran towards him. He pushed himself off the floor and threw himself into the vampire’s arms, sobbing harder than before. He could hear two more people come up to them- Wataru and Shu- and join in the hug, all of them crying in different ways. They were all scared, even more than when they (except Natsume) fought Eichi in their second year. This was real, this was genuine. This was the terrifying, cold reality of life and death.
-------------
Kanata was gone. None of them could accept it. Natsume sobbed on top of the lifeless body of his nii-san. Wataru held onto Rei as the latter cried into Wataru’s shoulder, Wataru holding back his own tears, and Shu standing beside Natsume in an attempt to comfort him, despite the fact that he was crying too. Kanata laid still and cold as Natsume cried and begged; begged for Kanata to wake up.
It was almost 30 minutes after the, now four oddballs, received the news of the loss of their fifth when Chiaki and Kuro finally arrived. Chiaki looked guilt ridden, Kuro did too, but not as much as Chiaki did. Kuro moved over to Shu, placing a hand on his childhood friend’s shoulder as they both quietly cried. Chiaki tried moving to hold onto Kanata, as if that would prove Kanata wasn’t really dead.
“DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH HIM!” Chiaki flinched back, his eyes darting to Natsume.
The glare on Natsume’s face was a balance between rage and anguish, and it was all directed at Chiaki and Kuro. He was still crying, the tears never seemed to stop even though he had been crying somewhere around an hour now. The other oddballs looked at Natsume in shock and concern, watching as Natsume got off Kanata’s body and shoved Chiaki backwards.
“You have no right to touch him you bastard! This is all your fault!” He yelled through the tears and the sobs.
Chiaki backed away a little, holding his hands up, “Sakasaki calm-”
“SHUT UP!” Natsume slapped Chiaki’s hands away from him.
Kuro moved to step between the two, “Sakasaki-kun, I understand you are upset but-”
“YOU’RE NOT BLAMELESS EITHER! BOTH OF YOU ARE AT FAULT HERE!” Kuro blinked and tried to speak again, “YOU WERE HIS BOYFRIENDS! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HIM! DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO MAKE SURE HE WAS OKAY?!”
The two froze. Of course they tried, they tried to have Kanata spend more time with them so they could help him. But Kanata refused…Maybe if they insisted more, maybe if they stayed at Kanata’s house, maybe if they were upfront and asked him what was on his mind-
“SOME EXCUSE OF PARTNERS YOU ARE! YOU COULDN’T EVEN TELL HOW MUCH HE WAS HURTING! ARE YOU FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELVES?! HE’S GONE BECAUSE OF YOU TWO- ”
“Natsume.” Shu pulled Natsume towards himself, wrapping the younger boy in a tight embrace.
Natsume struggled, he wasn’t done with Chiaki and Kuro. But eventually,he stopped and let himself wail into Shu’s shirt. The wails of a grieving child, of a younger brother who lost the older brother he looked up to so much, were echoing in the room as Chiaki and Kuro watched in shock and guilt.
“I understand you both were close to Kanata…” Wataru spoke to Chiaki and Kuro as he and Rei moved to hug Natsume, “But it might be best if you two left and came at a different time. It wouldn’t be good for us to create a scene inside a hospital, yes?”
Kuro was the first to move, nodding his head and taking Chiaki’s hand. They walked out of the hospital room, Natsume’s words echoing in their heads. Kanata was gone because of them. There was no changing this fact.