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Jean Ralphio walked hand in hand with you down the long corridors of the municipal government building of Pawnee. Your heart bubbled with an energetic happiness that you always felt by his side but you had a hint of concern as you watched him dance excitedly with each of his steps.
“Ok, tell me again exactly what Tom said. Word for word.” You squeeze his hand a bit as you spoke just to make sure his goldfish sized attention span listened in.
“He said and I quote ‘My boy, I have hella fat stacks of dough for you, the best person I have ever known and will ever know. Also formerly know as the smartest business man and the swaggiest pimp daddy to ever play the game.’” He answered confidently as he continued strolling along.
“Yeah, I don’t think he said any of that.” You laugh out, nudging into his side causing his gangly form to stumble.
“Alright the rest of it was maybe heavily implied by his vibes that radiated over the phone but he for sure said he had some fat stacks that I had to pick up urgently.”
“Babe I really think you should curve your expectations.”
“Alright boo boo picture this,” Jean Ralphio skipped from your side to walk backwards in front of you as he laced your fingers together in between your bodies. His body bounced with each emphasis on the words, giving different pauses and tones to each new idea. “You, me, dollar dollar bills, hot tub, that tiny little bikini that drives me insane, shots on shots on shots.”
Your eyes narrow as you’re not convinced but he continues on with his vague word association fantasy. “Fireworks, super mega yachts, Mariah, Whitney, Willy Wonka chocolate river, peacock fedoras, diamond waterfalls.” His words got more and more nonsensical the longer he went on and once he eventually trails off he stares at you with narrowed eyes to wait for your response.
“Oh,” You mutter out as you realize he was finally done. “That’s hot.” You mimic a breathy Paris Hilton adjacent impression, giving into the cute pop culture centric dreaming nature of the boy you most certainly love.
His face bursts out in a giant smile as he happily places pecks all across your face, feet stumbling as he tries to continue walking backwards while multitasking. He found himself very quickly walking into the door that you needed to enter.
“Boom, yeaaah that’s what I’m talking about!” He sings out before bouncing up a quickly and stands firm like he is posing. “Check list time. Hair?”
“Check.” You nod, resisting the urge to run your fingers through his well groomed hair that was silky soft. You often had the pleasure of petting through his locks whenever he laid his head across your lap.
“Fit?” He starts shifting to pose in a bunch of different positions to show off his outfit he spent over an hour picking out this morning.
“Mmmm,” You scrutinize over him playfully, “Oh yea, totally poppin today.” Your tongue curls in your cheek as you try to push down the stretching smile burning your cheeks.
“Alright, damn, don’t gotta be checking me out, my eyes are up here.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you suggestively then spreads his long arms out, spreading open his jacket so you can greedily look at the tight button down hugging his chest. “Cologne?”
You slowly close the distance between you both, your head burying into his chest to inhale. The expensive fragrance he often wore had your knees shaking every time you smelled it, as long as he uses the correct amount. Your nose crinkles slightly at the memory of him blowing thousands of dollars to buy enough bottles to fill a bath tub with. He slept in a hospital room from the skin absorption for two weeks after that one.
“Mmmmm,” You hum quickly forgetting he needed a response, instead losing yourself to curling your hands against his chest as your head nuzzles against him.
“Oh yea that’s defo a mega check.” He hums while wrapping his arms around you and kissing your hairline. “Only one thing left, the most important, my good luck kiss.”
You decide to be a bit cheeky with him, not ready to give up this soft moment where he was about as serious as he could be. “Nah I don’t think you’ll need it.”
“C’mon,” He whines as you pull away, hands flailing dramatically as he talks. “I’ll die if I don’t get it! You’ll be arrested for murder! The illest babe that has ever stumbled across my beautiful life will be responsible for my sexy downfall.”
“Nah, I know what Tom’s like and if they let him work here then I think I can get away pretty easily.” You push back even further to lean against the door frame as you watch him pout.
He tumbled dramatically to the floor in the middle of the hallway, a few government workers walking through send you both judgmental glares over his theatrics. Like a toddler who doesn’t know how to truly reenact a death scene he flails around the ground while wailing loudly. You learned long ago that he was simply born without an inside voice.
“I’m dying the worst death, this is the Guinness world record for most painful death. The greatest possible tragic death to ever exist. Bigger than JonBenét, bigger than Selena, bigger than Biggie!” He quickly curled away to whisper to a non existent audience while kissing his fist and raising a peace sign to the sky. “R.I.P, B.I.G.”
He rolled to his back and lifted his head to look you directly in the eyes to give you his best puppy dog look. “Bigger than Little Sebastian, the pony of all our hearts.”
“You take that back.” You gasp out.
“You would miss Little Sebastian more than me?” His pout deepens as he leans up to sit with open legs, the long limbs becoming a tripping hazard as they stretched out.
You giggle and lean down to take his hands in yours to look deeply into his eyes with a soft loving look. “Yes, every single day. There would not be a single moment I wouldn’t miss him more than you.”
He squished up his nose cutely as he got disgruntled at your teasing before twisting his pouting lips up in a sly smile while raising his fingers to tickle your stomach. You curl forward to protect your soft sides from being attacked by his fingers while squealing. He takes the moment to disarm you and tip your weight forward so you fall onto his lap.
Once you finish your giggling while squirming in his lap, trapped comfortably inside his grip, you give him the kiss he so desperately needed. His lips don’t part from yours but you feel him smile brightly against you while nodding his head like he was bopping along to music. His body did the adorable little wiggle he did when he was excited and his hands curled into your cheeks to sway you along with him.
“Oooo yeahhh.” He sings out once he parts, still bobbing his body up and down excitedly with energy. “Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.”
He bounces up with his new found energy and grabs your hand to quickly pull you up. You stumble a bit a how fast he pulls you up, head going dizzy but he holds you close to him. “Alright shawty supreme lets go gets these G’s!”
Walking in to Tom’s work place for the first time you observed the empty space that you thought being a government building would be more filled with productive people. On second thought maybe not productive, but certainly people. You don’t have to think about it long as you approach Tom’s walled off office and you have to shift all of your attention to watch over your clumsy boyfriend as he takes a running start.
“Tommy-T!” Jean Ralphio sings out while sliding across the linoleum floor in his special custom loafers made with felt padding along the soles of his shoes just so he can glide into a room with ‘flair’. They have single handedly caused more hospital visits than every other thing in his life combined, and he was there enough that the nurses have a framed photo of him with them on display behind their station.
Luckily this was not one of those days as he sticks the landing and Tom whistles out in appreciation. “Damn J-Money that looks sick when you don’t fall.”
“Sweet, I have been practicing all week.” He happily says, rubbing his hands together while dancing over to the chair in front of Toms desk before jumping into the seat and spreading out.
“He has the bruises to prove it.” You smile while entering behind your boy, walking over to Tom to quickly do the simple handshake he forced you to learn over drinks at the club.
“Jaegar-Bomb! Lovely to see you again.” He snaps his fingers at you, calling you the nickname you earned after one particularly crazy party, and sits at his desk.
“So where is all those fat stacks you have for me? Give me, give me, give me!” Jean Ralphio bounces up and down in the chair. You move to stand behind him, rubbing his shoulders as you wait in anticipation to see what this was all about.
“Yea about that you really need to change your mailing address from my place but some of this stuff is serious. Imma have to help you out today.” Tom moves to open a drawer in his desk.
“Totally, hit me up with those deetz brother.” He moves to his business pose, fingers angled up across his lips so he can briefly point with them while he nods.
Tom slams down several large stacks of envelopes on the table, half with bright angry red stamps that say urgent. Your eyes shut while you process and remember that you also shouldn’t easily be swept along with your boyfriends antics but he was often so cute it was hard not to get sucked into his dreamland.
“Dude your taxes are seriously wack, you do realize you can get into serious trouble for these things, right?” Tom seemed baffled as he worried about Jean Ralphio, a bit funny to see when you knew that they were practically cut from the same cloth.
“Is the money in here?” He ignores Tom’s words to quickly grab an envelope and tears it open. “Aww what is this boring junk? It’s all dumb paperwork.”
“Yea dude!” Tom leans over to snatch the paper from his hand and gives and exasperated look. “We have to fix this, now I’ve already started printing off the paperwork you need but I seriously need you to work on this with me.”
“Of course, anything to help out my dear friend.” You roll your eyes at your boyfriends faux chivalry antics.
Tom wasn’t having it though and threw some of the envelopes at Jean Ralphio. “No man! I, emphasis on I, am helping you!”
“Mmhm. You know what? I see what your saying and my answers is I accept. I will help you out.” Once again your beloved boy slips away to delusions as he avoids responsibility.
You can see Tom’s short fused temper you have witnessed many times before in regards to Jean Ralphio was starting to blow so you jump in to save him. “Thank you for helping him Tom, he really appreciates it.”
You pinch at Jean’s shoulders a bit while trying your best to appease Tom, knowing full well you wouldn’t even know where to start to help fix this tax mess. Lord knows he will never do it for himself.
“Uh huh, remind me again why you deal with him.”
“Cause he’s adorable?” You offer up, sparing a glance down at Jean who still seems a bit distracted by the fact that he is not here for stacks of cash.
Tom doesn’t respond and you know from many run ins with his behavior that he wants you to sweeten the pot. “Alright then, how about I bring you back those goat’s milk blueberry and gold flake soap from the one boutique you’re banned from as payment?”
“Fine, but you’re also returning those bath slippers you stole from me.”
You grumbled and took a look back down at all the official mail littering the desk and over to your pitiful boy who just looked lost. Dammit you cursed out in your mind I’m really going to miss those slippers. Jean Ralphio may spoil the ever living fuck out of you on the daily but you always swooped in to save his ass in return.
“Fine.” You stick your hand out for him to shake and true to his glib nature he perks right back up to his usual smile once the verbal contract was completed.
“Great, now lets go get those documents from the printer.” He hummed to himself a jaunty little tune he made up on the spot that centered around him being amazing while gesturing for you both to exit his office.
Jean Ralphio gives you a bit of a sad look that you know means he is swirling with bigger thoughts than the ones that usually dwell within his mind. Without even speaking you know his eyes tell a silent apology to the consequences of his completely voluntary actions and also shine with appreciation. You just offer him a small kiss on his nose to convey the simple message that everything is ok and help him stand up to follow out Tom. You hadn’t even made it a foot out the doorway before the smaller man groans out.
“Oh god, here we go.” You looked over to Tom who started rubbing his forehead as he watched a group of people enter the room together.
A small blonde woman led the pack with a happy expression that seemed to brighten when her gaze landed on your form in the room. You stepped back, running directly into your tall boyfriend behind you as she quickly runs up to you and holds out her hand.
“Hello! Welcome to the parks department, I’m Leslie Knope.” As you listen to her speak you calm a bit realizing she is just a highly intense person by nature if you go by her cheerfully high tone that floats as she talks.
“Yea yea yea, Leslie this is my friend Y/N, Jean Ralphio’s girlfriend.” Tom turns to you and quickly starts pointing around the room. “That’s Ron, April, Andy, my girl Donna, Ben, and Barry.”
“It’s Jerry.” The older gentleman Tom introduced to you as Barry spoke up meekly from the back of the group.
“Gosh this isn’t about you Terry!” Tom shouts out quickly with a roll of his eyes and it seems most of the group seemed to agree with his reaction.
“You’re absolutely right, I am so sorry. Please continue on.” Jerry didn’t seem to mind all too much as he smiled on.
“Ok wait. Uh. What.” Leslie starts stammering in front of you, looking between yourself and directly behind you.
Looking past her figure in front of you, you actually see similar faces on the majority of the group who all look flabbergasted at this news. None have the chance to speak up on this new revelation though as you feel Jean step out behind you and starts slow clapping.
“Well... Well... Well.” Jean takes long pauses in between his words, clearly ramping up to another one of his theatrical bits. “If it isn’t the mysterious Leslie Knope.”
“Hello Jean Ralphio.” The blonde woman greets him, a bit reluctantly.
“Leslie, Leslie, Leslie. We had quite a bit of a will they wont they thing going on didn’t we?”
“No we didn’t.” Leslie tried speaking up but Jean Ralphio just gave her a pitied look and shushed her softly.
“You took too long and now a beautiful woman has scooped up my heart. Shhh I know, I know you wanted this but it was just too hot for you too handle. Now I got someone who can handle this stallion.”
“Great.”
“Leslie,” He dramatically sighs “You will not be receiving a rose.”
“Good, I’m glad.” Leslie nods, agreeing.
“Gosh you’re so broken up over me it’s so sad.” You roll your eyes as he goes to give her a ‘comforting’ hug and try to tug him back to save the poor woman from your feral boyfriend.
“No boo, it’s cruel to rub our super sexy romance in her face.” He resists on your tugs.
He continues his dramatics and you know the only way to break him out of the bit now would be to shift his attention. Luckily for you he was like a golden retriever ready to accept any request you make. “Alright baby, well it looks like we have to be here for a while so why don’t you go grab me some candy from the vending machine.”
His tongue pokes out of his mouth as he narrows his eyes at you a bit like he is confirming that’s what you want but as he hesitates you decide to roll your eyes and give him another incentive. “And we can give Leslie a break from us shoving our super sexy romance in her face.”
“I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.” You hear Ben whisper to the group next to you.
Your plea to your boy seemed to do the trick as he pressed a kiss to your cheek as he passed by you. “Absolutely beautiful, won’t take longer than a minute.”
You beam brightly as he set you up perfectly and you rarely let such an easy set up pass you by. “That’s what she said.”
His laugh makes your chest flutter and you watch him start backing out of the room slowly, his fist pushing into his mouth as he exhales before pointing finger guns at you. “That’s why I love you baby.”
His bright smiled face freezes, his eyebrows sky high as his face is frozen in the smile he flashed while he said the declarative words but you can see the look of pure horror in his eyes. Your own heart clenches as you gape at him when he drops the first L-bomb of the relationship. Your shock fades to excitement, you actually thought it may have happened earlire considering he so frequently proclaimed love for nearly anything he had even slightly positive feelings towards. You had both been nearly living with each other as well, basically one long extended sleepover, so it seemed like the right time for it to just slip out.
You didn’t have to think of wether or not you wanted to respond but your chance was slipping away as he unfreezes and tries to frantically bounce from the room.
“I love you too!” You shout out, wincing a bit as those hazardous felt footed shoes slip beneath him and he falls in reaction to your declaration.
He quickly recovers and darts out on shaky legs, your eyes catch his skin flaring bright pink. You took a breath of happy disbelief as he skipped out of the room but it was short lived as you realized you were left alone with Tom and all his coworkers staring at you like you were an anomaly.
“I have so many questions.” Donna speaks out first after the long pause of every processing what they just witnessed.
“I’m not sticking around for this, I’ll just go grab his paperwork I printed out. Good luck!” Tom waves to you quickly abandoning you by brushing past the crowd that seemed to grow closer around you.
“Are you dating him to eat what’s left of his brain?” April asks first with wide fascinated eyes, obviously the bravest one in the room to kick off the interrogation they all seem to desperately want.
“Ooh like a vampire.” Andy pipes up, squishing his arms tighter around April in excitement.
“Oh yea, I bet with how much he parties he has to be like an alcoholic juice pouch for vampires.” April quips back along with Andy’s new theory.
“I don’t care about this, but I will say if it’s an attempt for money you must not be very smart to not realize he is extremely fiscally irresponsible.” Ron feigns disinterest but it seems as though he didn’t find anything else worth more attention at the moment.
You didn’t really know how to respond as more people starting throwing out their own theories but none were really questions. They didn’t seem to notice as they were caught up in their own conversations and you listened with interest.
It was kinda funny seeing what they thought of Jean Ralphio, the consensus revolving around him being some sort of bizarre enigma. But you knew him, you knew him so much better than most and knew there was more beneath the thick veneer persona he wears. Not much more, he was still silly and hedonistic to the core, but he was also something of a romantic. It was hard to be pessimistic when he could turn some of the most batshit insane experiences into something wacky, silly, or just fun.
“Have you met his sister yet?” Jerry spoke out in a kind voice, the first person to direct a real question at you.
“Oh yea, I love Mona Lisa! She’s a sweetheart.” You smile fondly thinking about his eccentric sister that was around in fluctuating cycles depending on her mysterious social calendar.
“Are... Are we talking about the same Mona Lisa?” Ben asked, face twisted in confusion.
“I think so?”
“How do you handle.. her?” Ben obviously held more reservations than the rest to speak his minds questions.
“Oh it’s really simple. I found some sketchy guy on eBay who was selling a giant crate of Jessica Simpson’s edible cosmetics line from the 90’s. Anytime she starts acting up I just hand her a perfume or something and it keeps her pretty busy.” It was humorous how dog like the Saperstein clan seemed to be, once you figure that out it’s pretty easy to curb their more serious habits with little trinkets and toys to distract them.
“Is that even safe to consume any more?” Leslie questions, looking genuinely concerned about the expiration date.
“Was it ever safe?” Donna rhetorically asks in response.
“Honestly with how much sketchy stuff Mona Lisa ingests daily it’s probably the equivalent of a salad for her.” You answer truthfully. You may love the Saperstein family for all their quirks but you weren’t blind to just how insane they could be.
They seemed to like the answer, maybe proving that you weren’t some victim to his flamboyant schemes that they looked like they expected. You started missing the warm sunny presence of your boyfriend and got worried as you realized how long you have been grilled by the group without him returning.
You almost regret that brief wish you made to have him back in here as the moment you wondered where he was the door was kicked in roughly and screams ring as a loud confetti canon booms out. Three shots in total boom through the office, covering you all in confetti as the collective adrenaline skyrockets. Only two people in the room look completely unaffected, first being Ron who merely picks out the paper bits from his coffee cup with a grumpy sneer and second being April who looks as happy as a masochist hooked up to a car battery.
“What the fuck.” Donna screams out first in confusion as you all watch the rain of confetti dissipate to reveal Jean Ralphio sliding into the room, almost tripping over the paper bits, but manages to stick his landing before dropping to his knee in front of you.
Your adrenaline fueled mind takes in every confusing detail from him changing his outfit seemingly out of nowhere to a shiny glittering red suit, his hair now gelled back when it certainly wasn’t while you were doing the check overs, and finally his hand holding a bright pink and blue swirled ring pop out to you.
“Sup shawty, long time no see. So I’ve been thinking like I do and I just gotta say what are we doing? I love you, you love me, lets get hitched bitch.” He’s definitely a bit manic now as he stares at you with those teasing playful eyes he brings out when he wants something.
“What- Where did you get the ring pop?” Your a bit embarrassed that is your first response to your boyfriend, whom you just said I love you to for the first time, when he is proposing to you.
“Stole it off some dudes desk. Now what do you say? Lets do this thing.” You are just going to skip right past the fact he stole candy off some employees desk and as your adrenaline riddled mind twirls with this new crazy antics he’s pulled you into, you notice just over his shoulder that April has manage to make popcorn appear from seemingly nowhere.
You see his face drops as you remain silent while staring at him but he picks himself up as usual and tries spewing more pretty, albeit silly, words to you. “Come on pretty lady, we love each other and I can’t wait to totally grind up on my beautiful wife in the club.”
“Where did you get the confetti canons? Or the suit?” Again you could only think of the cold logical facts rather than your swimming emotions.
“From the emergency party pack I keep in the trunk of my car.” He answers like it was common knowledge, picking up your hand to spread kisses along the skin. “You did say you love me too right? I wasn’t just having one of those super amazing day dreams again right?”
His kisses start trailing up your arms and for a brief blissful moment you’re not in the middle of an official government building but instead at home after you get back from the club. You can almost feel the sweat that covers your body by the end of the night as he pushes you against the wall to kiss you. Nothing riled him up more than a night of dancing and drinking at the clubs. But you weren’t in the privacy of your home, and you were brought back to reality by the sharp crunch of April’s popcorn.
“Woah, woah slow down! Ok, I do love you, but you are being a bit crazy.” You finally choke out words as soon as he starts gazing at you like he wants to eat you. The eyes of the spectators on you makes it feel like all the air was sucked from your lungs, or more accurately, punched from your lungs.
“Call me Beyoncé because I am crazy in love.” He says with love shot eyes and you can’t help but adore him now that he is obviously excited that the flood wall is down and he can proclaim his love freely.
“Alright how about instead we just move in together finally, I practically live with you as it is.” You try reasoning with him, knowing that most of his ‘creative’ ideas are just whims that he follows through without much thought.
“This booty in my bed every night, how can I say no to that?” His hands try dipping down your waist and you know full well he will grab onto your ass in front of everybody if you don’t stop him.
You quickly pull his hand and redirect it up so you can kiss the back of his hand. “This booty is already in your bed every night, that’s what I am trying to say.”
He looks like he is in a happy daze as he sways back and forth while staring at you. You watch his eyes turn to the left multiple times in between his stares and he stammers out. “So is that, a no?”
“It’s not a no, it’s a try again later. Preferably not in a government building.”
His smile turns devious as he bites on his lower lip and nods at you. “Oh I see you, don’t worry baby girl I’ll give you the proposal to end all proposals!”
He shakes out some excited energy with frantic screaming huffs while jumping around. Once he comes back down he claps his hands loudly and points over to Tom who shuffled back to his office during the commotion.“Big-T! Pull out the binders, we got some planning to do!”
Tom quickly appears in his doorway with big binders, some with fabric swatches nearly falling out. “What cut do you want?” He asks you referring to your ring preference.
You open your mouth to protest but he waves his hand. “Never mind, I’m not asking you, you’ll be wrong. Come on in J-Dog, there is so much to do.”
“I thought you were helping him do taxes?” You argue, a bit flushed at watching them plan your own freaking proposal in front of you. “I’ll keep your slippers.”
“Forget it, this is what matters, and keep the slippers.” He gives you a devious grin and narrows his eyes at you. “Think of it as an early wedding present.”
His dumb satisfied grin curls more as you choke on your words at the mention of a wedding gift and he turns back to ignore you to devote his full attention on your boyfriend. “Now J-money I’ve got one word for you. Scratch that I have three words for you. You, skydiving, Empire State Building.” You shake your head as Tom says more than the three words limit he set, once again proving he is cut from the same cloth as your own ridiculous himbo.
“Ok ok I like where this is going but what about,” Jean Ralphio gives a dramatic pause to spread out his hands for effect. “Hot air ballon but the basket is a giant swing.”
Your embarrassed flush fades with your draining blood as you pale, realizing he might not even live to propose at this rate.
“Alright I’m starting a dead pool, I bet he tries to ride a dolphin to propose but grabs a shark and gets eaten.” April pipes up behind you and you turn to watch more people place their bets.
“Nah he will hold a bunch of illegal fireworks and blow his limbs off.” Donna speaks up next, already throwing cash towards April who was writing down the bets.
“I kinda think he would try lighting a fire to spell out the proposal and catch himself on fire.” Ben adds in, a hint of a smirk of enjoyment crossing his face at the banter.
“Oooo ok ok, um, I think he will bake himself into a cake!” Leslie pipes up, clearly a competitive person from her loud enthusiasm.
A new woman walked into the room, catching the last half of the conversation and looks around confused while clutching her coffee cup. “What’s happening.”
“Get with the program Perkins, this is Jean Ralphio’s paramour that he intends to propose to. We are betting on how he will die trying to accomplish that very simple task.” Ron groans with aggravation.
“Oh ok, I‘ll bet he involves exotic birds and gets a new rare virus.” You are a bit surprised how quickly this new person got on board with the program.
“I think whatever he does will be really sweet, you two kids look so cute together.” Jerry speaks up, looking directly at you, and it feels almost like a sweet paternal moment that is shattered quickly by the loud groans echoing around the room.
“Shut up Jerry, no one cares about how cute it will be. Tell us how you think he will be brutally killed.” April glares at Jerry after throwing a crumpled piece of paper at him which he fails to escape.
He doesn’t add anything more to the betting pool and you take a spare glance back at your happy boy bouncing around Tom’s office as they shout loudly at each other.
You sigh out and reach out to April to hand her a twenty dollar bill. “Put me down for death by magic trick gone wrong.”