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I sat in the Jockey with Mimi staring into space "hello! Earth to Karen!" Customers clicked and shouted while waiting for me to respond, I sighed with relief as I watched Mimi, Shane and Mandy take over the bar. It had been a crazy five years: with Mimi and Billy leaving the business, Shane being Shane, Mandy working her best to support all of us, me running the firm and Jamie spending the last 18 months behind bars. It had been a rough. He had always known I didn’t want to be "Just another Maguire woman waiting.." I'm glad I changed my view… 'Spose that's what happens when the Maguire man is your whole world. It doesn't make it easier, I wish I could say it does but the days feel longer, nights seem harder and simple tasks are no longer simple… I miss him. Although I dare let him know that… If I did then he'd tell me to move on, wouldn't want me miserable. "Mum?" I smiled at the young boy, Connor. He was 9 now, turning more into his father each day as he tried to "man up" to protect his own.. He grew up watching his uncles and dad look after their family so he took it upon himself to follow them. I can't pretend there aren't clear differences, Connor is so strong yet I have seen him miss his dad, sometimes I think more than what I do. I have watched my son suffer, cry, feel anger all at such a young age.. I have seen him pretend to be so strong, yet he would sneak into the bedroom and take one of his dads shirts just so he felt like his dad was still here. He still believes I don't know… Everyone talks about how us Maguire women, we stand by the men, ask no questions.. Nobody talks about how with all of that we still watch our sons fall apart to be better, to be like the others. After 18 months I think Connor has actually lost hope that J will come home one day and stay home, I know I have. But I won't walk away, I haven't before. I have never given up on him. I'm not about to now…
"Here he is!! Karen! Here's my baby boy!" Mimi's Liverpool accent bellowed as I sat round the corner of the bar with Connor playing with his phone. "Ma! Please, let me go see my boy." I watched on as Jamie wrapped his tattooed muscular arms around his mother before walking around to us. It had been a long eighteen months, part of me doubted how I would feel when I did see him back at home again. "I'll catch you all in a bit.. I've got a headache" I found myself walking up to our flat on top of the pub; just sitting, taking in how it is finally over. Relief flooded my veins at the thought of no more weekly visits, no more no touching, no more sleeping alone and most importantly no more worrying that we'll become just a thing of the past. Through everything me and this family have faced, threats, violence, backstabbing, no trust and so much more the worst of it all for us was ourselves… It terrified me that we would become like Paddy and Mimi, we watched as they fell more and more apart until there was no way they could be saved, the same happened to Kelly and Shane as the Maguire pressure tumbled like falling rocks. I feared that me and Jamie would be next. "Karen?" Jamie slowly pushed open the door taking the opportunity to sit down next to me. I couldn't pretend I didn't feel vulnerable; that wasn't a bad thing anymore. I no longer had to be guarded and uptight, I wasn't Karen Jackson the lone ranger working her way through Chatsworth estate because I had no other purpose… That woman died a long time ago. I am Karen Maguire, I am a mother and a wife. I run the local pub and am a part of one of the most profound families in the city. I closed my eyes letting my new reality sink in, I wasn't alone. I gently laid my body on Jamie's cuddling close to him. "I'm home."