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Merlin has had enough. What with the magic and being in love with his soon-to-be-married King. Married not to him, of course. For 6 years, he's endured all the struggles of working multiple jobs and fearing for his and all he has ever loved's lives and keeping his secrets. And now he just really wants it all to end. To be finally free from his destiny and his love. Love that will never be requited. Destiny that seemed to never will be fulfilled.
And maybe there is a solution to it all.
Maybe if he reveals everything to Arthur, if he reveals his treasonous magic to the King, then he will be needed to be executed, thus freeing himself from all these. All this being a warlock that never seems to get anything right, most powerful sorcerer to walk the earth that has let so many people down, his people of magic and his home, Camelot. The Once and Future King's Emrys who only ever seems to fail and lose everything, everyone. All this bearing with the duties as a manservant, only a servant, never a friend. Yet, a servant that acts beyond his station by trying to be a friend, an advisor, a protector to his King, his destiny, his love. A servant that is treated like one (perhaps, sometimes, even lower than one), never to be heard, never to be cared for, never to be loved. A speck of dust daring to dream for something he doesn't deserve. All this being happy for his friends, rising to stations and getting all the respect and attention they deserve. He is happy for them. But there will always be a tiny voice trying to yell out his jealousy. Jealousy for everything he will never be and have, for the heart that will never be his.
He should be angry at him. At Arthur, who always insults his every move. Who raises his hand at him, dismisses his attempts at camaraderie, at counsel, and at the rare honesty. Who lets everyone else mistreat him, too. Arthur, who will never know, never see him. Everything he has done for him. Everything he feels for him. The cause of his many great pains, physically, emotionally, mentally. Gone was the innocent dreamer raised by his humble mother. Now, only a monstrous murderer who, despite all his attempts of justifications, is just that, a murderer. Arthur's made him like this. Killing his kind, lying to his friends, letting the prophecy and promised future move him and his magic to try to be the savior, the hero of the story, but becoming the deceptive and unimportant background character instead. Still, he tells himself it's okay. It's okay because he will never be the one 'evil sorcerer' to ever hurt, let alone kill Arthur. And Arthur is all that matters.
Because Arthur is and will always be, this he genuinely knows, his True Love. He can never be angry and hate Arthur. He will not ever wish him pain and all the negative emotions in the world. But this he will have to do. Because even though the bloody dragon said a half cannot hate his other half, well, he may have just said that to convince him at the time. Arthur can hate him. And it is so easy. He's already a sorcerer, after all; he's easily ticked a box. He's a liar and a traitor, too, so Arthur will definitely hate him. Arthur shall hate him, because only then will Arthur be able to kill him, and only then will Merlin be free.
Now that his resolve is cemented, he only just needs to wait for the right time to set it all in motion. Oh, he's not so cruel as to ruin The Royal Wedding. Arthur deserves his happiness, after all. Maybe he'll give them a month of blissful marriage and prosperous kingdom before he eventually crashes everything. Because he knows it will. He knows Arthur will get mad and then kill him and then maybe their friends will get mad at him for killing him and then Merlin will even ruin their relationships beyond the grave and then all of Camelot and Arthur's enemies will have a free ground to make attempts on Arthur's life because there will be no more of the silent guardian angel protecting him against all evil. Perhaps Arthur and Camelot will fall, but it will no longer be Merlin's fault because he will not be there anymore and he doesn't think he'll have anymore thought processing on the other life to be able to care at all.
He daydreams about it a lot, now. How the day would be like, sunny in contradiction to the looming news to be revealed, or as rainy as the storm boiling inside him, and probably in Arthur's, too, by then. How he'll wait for the queen to excuse herself and do her queenly duties, and he and Arthur will finally be alone in the royal chambers, something that very rarely happens ever since he became a king, but especially now that he's married. How Arthur will be busy with his papers and Merlin with his mindless chores, but making sure Arthur got his sword on his belt, and another by the table, and a few more on the stand in the corner. How he'll get his attention, receiving another scolding instead. But he will wait for him to calm down. And then he will start on his revelation.
He's still not sure for that part, which among his various imaginings will he act out on the spot. Recite a harmless spell, eyes flashing gold boring into Arthur's, directly saying I have magic. Revealing his side, the real, magical side, of the stories of Arthur and Camelot's successes and defeats throughout the years. Remember the dragon? Have I told you I was the one that freed it? Kneel on his knees and ask for one last wish. I need you to end me before my magic corrupts me. Tell him he's a traitor and a liar, I've lied about Morgause deceiving you using your mother. But oh, not now, not anymore. He will no longer lie to Arthur, not this time.
He needs to do this. He owes Arthur the truth, no matter how painful it will be for the both of them. Only if Arthur gives him the chance to speak, though. Or will Arthur grant him the quick escape he wishes, without the need to unload all the weights he's holding inside. Oh, how he wishes it to be a fast one, not having to be dragged by guards to a dungeon and await an even slower death through the pyre. If Arthur asks him why he's admitting all these now, he'll say the whole truth, too. How he has made up his mind a few days before his wedding that he will tell him because everything, his magic and feelings, piled and bottled up, threatening to burst out before he himself burns out. How it is his fault he fell in love with the damn prince, something that should have not happened at all, and how it messed up with his original goals of being the Emrys he was supposed to be. How he has had enough of not being heard and seen and loved the way he wants to be by the person who matters the most.
Merlin doesn't matter, and there is no place for him in Camelot anymore, so he's sure he will receive his wish eventually. He knows he will die by Arthur's hand. And when the time comes, he'll waste not a breath and say clearly his last words for him:
Thank you.