The Courtship of Princess Leia, Explained Badly

by Crayshack

Summary:

How I imagine a slightly drunk Lando might explain the events of the novel.

Okay.  So, Leia was busy doing some politics stuff and running the Galaxy or something.  Then this beautiful and scary queen showed up and was like, “I’m a queen and I’m super rich.  I don’t have someone to be the next queen though because I don’t have a daughter.  Men can’t be Queen because they are men and men suck.  Leia, you’re a Princess and you’re good at being in charge and stuff.  If you marry my himbo of a son, you can be the next queen.”  And so she shoved the Royal Himbo at Leia.

 

Leia was like, “Well, that was weird,” and she turned to Mon and asked, “What should I do?”

 

Mon was like, “Make a pro/con list.  Pro: you become the queen of one of the richest sectors in the galaxy and marry a gorgeous piece of arm candy.  I mean, you can bounce a credit off that ass.”

 

When Leia asked about the cons Mon was like “I’ll get back to you on that.”

 

Of course, Han wasn’t happy.  He wanted to be Leia’s arm candy but he wasn’t nearly as good at being a himbo as the Royal Himbo.  You couldn’t even bounce a credit off of his ass.  So he started to scheme and plot.

 

Shenanigans ensued and Luke and the Royal Himbo ended up captured by an Amazonian Muscle Mommy.  The Muscle Mommy was like, “By the ancient right of dibs, I take you as my husbands.”

 

Luke was like, “nuh-uh” and fought back with his Jedi magic bullshit.

 

But, the Muscle Mommy also had magic bullshit and was into that sort of stuff so she just went “double dibs.”

 

Luke was like “Leia!  Halp!”

 

So, Leia showed up and was like, “You can’t call dibs.  He’s my brother so I have to say okay to any dibs on him.”

 

And the Muscle Mommy was like, “Shit, you right.  I’ll give you a sweet ass pair of leather pants for him.”

 

Leia was like “No, even making my ass look great in leather pants isn’t worth selling my brother.”  Even the offer of two pairs of leather pants wouldn’t sway her.

 

The Muscle Mommy wasn’t happy but was like, “But you don’t have dibs on the other one.”

 

And Leia was like, “No, but his mom is a queen and she has to let you have dibs.”

 

But the Muscle Mommy was like, “She’s not here so she can’t say shit.  If you didn’t call dibs, I’m keeping him.”

 

And then Leia was like, “Sheeet!  The Queen won’t be happy about that.  She wanted to give the Royal Himbo to a princess.”

 

More shenanigans ensued.  There were like some Imperials trying to kill the planet or something because they are dicks and some Evil Witches doing evil witch things because they were Evil Witches.  

 

Han and Leia were like “Fuck off Imperials!  Go be Imperial somewhere else!”

 

And Luke and the Muscle Mommy were like, “Fuck off Evil Witches!  Go be evil nowhere!”

 

And so they beat the Empire and the Evil Witches with the power of friendship and incredible violence.

 

But like, the Muscle Mommy still wanted to get into Luke’s pants and the Royal Himbo still wanted to get into Leia’s pants.  Or, well, the Queen wanted Leia to get into his pants at least.  So, Leia was still thinking about calling dibs on the Royal Himbo because she was like “The Queen is really rich.”  Han and Luke didn’t like this.  

 

Han was like, “I’m not getting enough feminine attention from Leia because she’s distracted by the Royal Himbo.  I want her to call dibs on me.”

 

And Luke was like “I’m getting too much feminine attention from the Muscle Mommy.  I don’t want her to call dibs on me.”

 

And Han was like, “The Queen wants the Royal Himbo to marry a princess right?  I have a cunning plan…” and he did more schemes and plots.

 

Han went up to the Muscle Mommy and declared, “By the power invested in me by this deed to your planet that I won in a card game, I now pronounce you Princess Muscle Mommy.  You may kiss the Himbo.”  And Han shoved the Royal Himbo at the Muscle Mommy and she turned into the Royal Muscle Mommy.

 

The Queen was like, “Shit, she’s a princess now.  I guess the Muscle Mommy will be the next Queen.”

 

Han and Luke high-fived because there were definitely no downsides to this plan.  Han then went to Leia and was like “Leia, now that you aren’t distracted by the Royal Himbo, can we say dibs on each other?”

 

And Leia was like, “Sure, it’d be annoying if another Muscle Mommy showed up and tried to steal you from me.”  And so they called dibs on each other and told everyone else to fuck off.  Especially Threepio.

 

The next time a Muscle Mommy did show up, she also called dibs on Luke, but she did it, like, really slowly.  Leia didn’t even notice at first because that time “dibs” looked like “I’ll fucking kill you!”

 

But, Luke was like “She only tried to stab me a little bit.  She can have dibs.”  And so that’s how Luke got a ThiCCC Assassin Waifu.

Notes:

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