Work Text:
To love or not to love?
By Nishino Kimi @Kamii University News November 05, 2012
There are many films, novels, manga, etc all dedicated to this one hanahaki byou disease. What so great about it?
Nothing. Nothing is great about the hanahaki byou, since it is still a disease, a vile trespasser infecting our body. However, it is a tragedy of love at its finest work of art. “Romeo and Juliet” has nothing on tragedy than unrequited love struck down by fate.
Hanahaki byou is a disease that affects the human body system. A person will vomit rose petals due to one-sided love. If not treated soon, the lovelorn person will eventually die from suffocation/heart failure.
When there is a consistent high level of hormones, neurotrophins, and pheromones (which all boils down to love in scientific terms) towards a specific person and their biology level does not match each other, it will cause a chain reaction to the recessive gene carrying hanahaki byou disease. (Keep in mind that only a third of the population carries this recessive gene). The gene will then plant a seed (which is the core of the disease) in the heart muscle and pump out the flower petals each time there is an irregular heartbeat, or chest pain, and/or emotional stress. The longer this condition continues without any kind of treatment, the harder the heart will pump out more petals which will lead to suffocation/heart failure and then eventual death.
There are 3 stages of hanahaki byou disease:
1. Mild stage: irregular intervals of minor chest pains and shortness of breath. Hard to discern when it appears. Unknown time length of time.
2. Moderate stage: heart attack, hyperventilation, vomits petals sporadically. Higher percentages of people diagnosed at this state. The length of this stage varies.
3. Advance stage: Inflamed heart, chronic inflammatory, suffocation, vomits petals consistently throughout the day. Once advance stage start, their health quickly decline within a year if not less.
Of course the depth of hanahaki byou disease varies case by case same as the vomited rose petals. The colored petals simply signify the owner’s feelings towards their loved one:
The bold red color is the ultimate symbol of romantic love and enduring passion – representing true love that is stronger than the thorns it adorned.
The pure white rose is as true as its color representing purity, humility, and innocence – it sends a message of loyalty, saying “I am worthy of you.”
The gentle hues of the pink rose bring grace and gentleness, gratitude and appreciation, admiration and happiness.
The colorful bright yellow rose represents friendship, joy and caring, warming affectionate and gladness.
The warm vibrant orange color symbolizes enthusiasm and desire.
The lilac and purple roses send out the message “love at first sight.”
There has been no determined length of time when this disease first begins to latch onto the heart muscle or when a person has left before succumbing to the late stage of the disease. Often most people are diagnosis when they are in their 20s and already at the moderate stage.
The shortest length of time a person has was 8 months before the advance stage started. Suzuki Kaiya, 20 years of age, diagnosis with hanahaki byou disease, moderate stage. She met her love interest through mutual friends and has known him for a year and a half before the diagnosis. She vomited pink petals signifying her “happiness” to have met him.
The longest length of time a person has was at most 5 years. Fujimori Hisashi was 26 years of age at the start of the moderate stage. He met his love interest at the start of their high school and reconnected through work. It was unclear if the seed was in effect back in high school or started when they reconnected. He vomited white petals; his “pure” affections for him.
There are 3 options to treat this condition:
1. Their love either requited or quitted. However, this option is questionable due to the ambiguity of control in emotions. Many doctors have advised against using this option as there is a higher chance of it leading to a person’s demise.
2. Medication at the very start of diagnosis. However, the medication is not a cure for the disease. It just slows down the symptom and eases the pain. However, if the system remains the same, it will lead to a person’s demise.
3. Surgery before the advanced stage, the most reliable option doctors suggested. The surgeon will go inside the heart and carefully extract the seed. However, there is one consequence to this operation: the person will no longer feel anything for their loved one. If surgery is executed in the advanced stage there is a highly chance of other complications and/or death.
Suzuki-san and Fujimori-san both waited until the advance stage before operating. Suzuki-san, age 20, pulled through the surgery without any emotions for her loved one. Fujimori-san, age 31, died during the extraction.
The highly accredit film “Wasurnaide - don’t forget me” was inspired by Fujimori-san noble love story. Its steady message of one person’s magnanimous love is what sold it. The story really portrays the main character’s relationship with his loved one as he struggle through the disease. He never once abhors his love for not being able to return his feelings or for loving someone else; instead he cherishes him until the very end.
And that is love right there, a constant and deep rooted love, rather it is returned or not.
So the question: to love or not to love?
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Blank white walls. No picture frame.
Plain pallid curtains lifeless by the window pane.
Simple white bed sheets covering his frail body.
Scarlet petals scattered across the bare room.
He covered his mouth as he felt the familiar violent rack shooting through his body. Once the spasm stopped, he only ever saw the constant blood red petals in his hand.
No blood. No regret. A small smile curved his lips.
Letting the petals flow onto the colorless sheet, he gripped his pen in his shaking hands.
Where to begin….
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Nagachika Hideyoshi, known as Hide, stood bravely on his ground as any boy of 7 years would in the face of danger. In this case the danger being another boy - harmless boy, yes, but still a risky mission was at hand. His mission: find a boy to be his most precious friend. Hide knows this precious friend must be someone who will always be there for him as he will be there for his precious friend as well. This was a hard lesson learned back at his old hometown. But this time will be different Hide promised.
His mission set, Hide observed who will be most well-matched with him. Through the first 3 days of the new school, he met many fun friends. And yet the only classmate who caught his attention was a black hair boy who sat in front of him.
Hide noticed that this boy is quiet and shy, won’t talk unless spoken to first, is without any kind of friends, and always have a book with him; so harmless and quite boring, yes. But there was just something about this quiet boy that caught his attention. He wanted to learn more about him than what met his eyes.
Hide decided he will become friends with Kaneki Ken.
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To my most precious friend Kaneki,
We have known each other for a long time….12 years to now we have been friends. From the very first time I talked to you, you already have been my most precious friend, Kaneki.
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“Exc…excuse me,” started Hide. “I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi. And I want us to be friends!” he declared as he respectfully bowed down even as his was heart pounding fast.
“Ummm…”
Hide slowly stood back up and nervously scratched his cheek. “Well…It’s just that I moved here recently. So I still don’t have any friends. I feel like we can get along well.”
“I…I don’t have anyone as a friend. I am not sure if I can get along with anyone,” the black hair boy confessed as he looked away.
Hide smiled even as he felt a little pain to hear that. “That’s alright. If you can’t get along with me then that just means I will have to get along with you. So friends?”
“Okay.”
A smile suddenly bloomed on his face.
“Great! You can call me Hide, Kaneki,” Hide declared as he grabbed Kaneki’s hands in his. Hide cheeks began to hurt because of the huge smile. But he didn’t care because he did it.
He was now friends with Kaneki!
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Even till now, I am still a rabbit. A rabbit that gets very lonely without his cherish friend. But I have learned to deal with it. Because I know you will always protect me in your own way just like I will always be there for you since the start.
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Legs pumping faster than he knew he could, he ran straight for the black hair boy.
With each step he is one step closer to him. I miss you! I miss you!
Within reach, Hide opened his arms and wrapped them around the smaller boy. I’m so sorry about your mom.
“Hey, Kaneki! How long are you going to be home?” Hide spun around to face Kaneki, hands on the smaller boy’s shoulder. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be there.
“Do you know how hard it is for me when you stay home like this?!” He shook Kaneki with each word out of his mouth. But you will always have me. You can depend on me, Kaneki!
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Looking back at our childhood, it was the happiest time of my life. We hardly ever fight, mostly due to your gentle personality than anything else. I know to you, I am like an explosion of sunlight in your quiet world. I am happy to have been your sunshine.
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“Eh, Kaneki that’s all you’re eating?” asked Hide as he peered into the others bento. Nothing but rice balls. “You need to eat more since we’re already in junior year, you know.”
Kaneki touched his chin as he dropped his gaze. “I…I didn’t have time to pack more.”
“Hmmm…” Hide thought unlikely it was the case, however any concerns he kept it to himself. “Here, tried my shrimp tempura.” Picking the biggest one, he held it out.
Kaneki hurriedly covered his bento box. “It’s okay, Hide. I don’t wan-”
Quick as he can, Hide shoved the shrimp into Kaneki’s protesting mouth. “Good, right?”
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And if I’m your sunshine then to me you are everything. Just like the play we acted in, you are the prince charming and I’m only a witch’s servant, ready to serve only you.
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Hide was awestruck as he watched the quiet reserved Kaneki transformed into this charismatic prince. He has never seen Kaneki with such a sincere face as he is on the stage right now.
Without noticing, Hide felt his heart missed a beat as his gaze never wavered from Kaneki’s form, which stole his breath away.
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Do you know, countless doctor stated how hard it is to pinpoint when the first stage begin? Usually many other just see the symptoms as inconsequential. Truthfully, who would ever think sporadically chest pains and shortness of breath will be indicator of hanahaki byou disease?
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Leaning against the rail along with his ever companionable friend, they both looked up at the black sky littered with millions of tiny sparkling stars.
“Kankei?” Hide asked into the silence.
“Hm?”
“Do you really think there are ghouls out there?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“So if ghouls were real….” Hide started his sentence just as he turned to look at his black hair friend, whose eyes were still gazing up at the stars. “And if I were to become one….”
Abruptly his words faded away as he saw Kaneki’s peaceful face with just a hint of a smile. Suddenly Hide’s heart started to beat louder in his chest. Eh? What is this? Why am I…nervous?
“Hide?”
Hearing his name broke through Hide’s confusing thoughts; he quickly looked away from Kaneki’s searing gaze. “Should I eat Yoshikawa-chan from Class 2? You know the one you like.” From the corner of his eyes, he saw Kaneki’s flustered stare.
“D…don’t eat her. And I only liked her a little.”
Laughing out loud at Kaneki’s flushed face; Hide patted the shorter boy’s back.
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But then I should be a different case, right? Since, I am more observant.
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“What school are you planning to sit the exam for?” Hide questioned. He looked at the scattered applications on the desk, ignoring the black hair boy’s startled expression.
“H...Hide?”
“Ohhh…what is this?” asked Hide as he took a piece of the submission papers and glanced at the heading. “Kamii University?”
“I’m just applying. It’s not like I can get in.”
Hide smiled at his friend’s modest admission. “It would be great if both of us can get into Kamii, right?”
“Eh? You want to attend Kamii?!”
There was a hopeful spark in Kaneki’s eyes; Hide did not fail to notice. He silently promised to never dash any of Kaneki’s hope because he knew Kaneki’s hope is too far in between.
“Of course! Where would I be without you?”
Kaneki’s joyful exclamations obscured a rapid shot of pain thundering in Hide’s chest.
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Still it was hard to tell when platonic feelings begin to change, even for someone like me. But maybe it was not so much about change. Maybe it was just about being interchangeable.
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It was wonderful to graduate while there are still many cherry blossoms Hide thought as he looked at his joyous classmates among their friends and family. Hide couldn’t help but smile as he saw laughter, smiles, and even tears.
However, his smile faltered when his gaze fell upon a familiar form standing in front of Yoshikawa-chan. Both of their appearance made an appealing sight, especially against the picturesque cherry blossom background – where one is dark the other light, one is hard lined the other soft as cherry petals scattered in the breeze.
From this distance Hide does not need to be a genius to figure out what is occurring even as he saw Yoshikawa-chan bowed down to offer an envelope. A love confession, huh. Hide does not need to see Kaneki’s face to know the black hair boy’s face will be red. His pale skin does nothing to hide his blush.
Not wanting to intrude on a private moment, Hide gradually walked away. It will be nice if they are together. A small smile appeared on his face, even if it was tinged with a bit of sadness, Hide does not begrudge Kaneki for any of the smaller man’s happiness.
Kaneki will always be my precious friend who I will always cherish.
“Hide!...Wait Hide!”
Hide hastily turned around hearing his name in that familiar voice. His small smile turned 100 watt brighter as he saw Kaneki holding the side of his stomach as he gasped for air just a few feet away.
“What are you doing, Kaneki?” Amusement was clearly heard dancing in Hide’s voice.
“I…I was running after you. Why didn’t you hear me, Hide?”
Laughing at a sulky Kaneki, he replied, “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was too busy imagining you and Yoshikawa-chan….on a date.”
“Ehhh?!” shouted Kaneki as he straightened up.
“Hahaha. I saw you with Yoshikawa-chan earlier.” His heart picked up speed with each word passing through his lips. “So…did you accept her?”
Kaneki turned his head away. “No, I didn’t accept her.” He touched his chin nervously. “I…I told you I like her a little bit.”
Hearing his answer, Hide felt like he can breathe easier now. “Hmmm…well I guess you know what that means?”
“What?”
“It means….we still have each other,” Hide laughingly replied as he threw his arm around the shorter man’s shoulder as he steered them down the street.
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Like inevitable….a constant flow that trespasses time and sense.
My love for you just exists.
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“Well then…now that I seen you lovelorn,” Hide said as he stretched, “I’ll take off.” Saying so, he dropped off the change onto the table and stood up.
“Wait, Hide….”
Ignoring a panic Kaneki, he said goodbye to the cute Toka-chan as he headed toward the exit. Fingers curling around the cold handle, he pulled the door opened. But before he can step out to the warm sunshine, he couldn’t help except to look back at Kaneki…Kaneki who was now trying to peek at the cute girl.
A burning sting gently pulsed through his chest.
Inhale…Exhale.
“Good luck, delusional Kaneki!” cheered Hide, his arms waving happily in the air, and then he swiftly walked out. He could hear the jingle of the bell signaling his exit.
Hide shaded his eyes as he looked up at the clear blue sky. What…?
------
I can still clearly see that point of time when my feelings exposed itself to me.
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The phone clattered onto the tile floor, the sound bouncing off the wall like a gun going off in the silence.
But all Hide can hear was the message… playing on a loop.
Kaneki was in a major accident. He is in critical condition and surgery is still ongoing. If you want to see him, he is staying at the Tokyo Hospital.
End and then begin again.
Kaneki was in a major accident. He is in critical condition and surgery is still ongoing. If you want to see him, he is staying at the Tokyo Hospital.
And again.
Kaneki was in a major accident. He is in critical condition and surgery is still ongoing. If you want to se-
No! Damn it. I can’t…lose him!
A sudden fiery pain shot through Hide’s arm, his fist innocently resting against the newly cracked wall.
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It was your accident…
the catalyst of everything unraveling in both our worlds.
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Hide sat with his arms resting against his knee, still waiting. It felt like hours but he knew it was barely a few minutes since he arrived at the hospital.
Kaneki….
There was no one else. Just him alone…waiting.
He held his hands tightly together, his injured knuckle forgotten in the midst of this nightmare he can’t wake from.
Kaneki.
Inhale. Exhale.
Kaneki!
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale.Exhale.Inhale.Exhale.
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Me, who I can no longer hide or deny, face the reality of it.
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Hide sadly stared at Kaneki’s weaken form lying motionless on the bed. As gentle as he can, he carefully held Kaneki’s cold hand. And as soon as he touched Kaneki’s palm, tears quickly filled his eyes. Just seeing Kaneki alive made his whole world aligned again. Hide roughly rubbed his stinging eyes, not letting any tears drop. This was not the time to cry.
A deep breathe in. And then a slow breathe out.
Now he has to be the strong one for both of them. This time he will not fail Kaneki he promised. No matter what happens next he will take better care of Kaneki because Kaneki is his most precious friend, his whole world….
I love him.
I love Kaneki.
Suddenly an agonizing pain shook through Hide’s body. He abruptly dropped Kaneki’s hand. He could feel a piercing cough crawling up his airway. He quickly covered his mouth as he violently coughed into his hand. But as quickly it began, it quickly stopped and with it everything gradually returned back to his senses. Hide could hear the beeping machine, Kaneki’s smooth breathing; he could smell the sterilized room; he could feel the cool air touching his face.
But none of it held Hide’s attention, nothing except for what he felt in his hand - a cool silky texture, almost like a satin sensation. His hands trembling, he slowly uncovered his mouth.
Hide’s eyes widen in shock.
Because there, lying harmlessly in the middle of his palm, was a single crimson petal.
Passionate love….unrequited...hanahaki byou…disease….death.
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And you, who want to protect me, begin to slowly drift away.
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“Hide!”
Not wanting to face Kaneki just yet he turned around and pretended to be asleep. The shame and the overwhelming sadness of being helpless to Kaneki compelled him to lie quietly still even though his heart was telling him otherwise.
“I…I have been so hungry all this time. At that moment especially, I was so hungry, I thought I might die. I didn’t even realized what I was doing. And then…I went after Hide. But that hunger is completely gone. The blood in my mouth just now….Please answer me truthfully, what did you do while I was asleep?”
“There is only one way to satisfy a ghoul’s hunger. You know what that is, right? With the way you were going, you would have set upon your friend. You have to know what you are.”
His chest tightens in anguish to hear Kaneki weeping.
“I…don’t want to hurt Hide...which means I can’t be around Hide anymore. But I can’t enter the world of ghoul either. I, who am neither civilian nor ghoul, am all alone. There isn’t a place for me anywhere now!”
Little by little, his heart was breaking to hear such words coming from Kaneki’s mouth. He tightly clenched his hands into the sheets to stop himself from comforting a now sobbing Kaneki.
“That’s not true.”
He almost wept in relief to hear someone denied Kaneki’s claim.
“You are both ghoul and civilian. You are the only one who has a place in both worlds. Come over to Anteiku. I am sure it will lead you to a path where you can keep your own place.”
Say yes, Kaneki!
“I also want you to understand us better. To see if we are just merely murderers or not. How about it? What do you say you start learning how to make a delicious cup of coffee?”
“Umm…do you think I can do it?”
He can clearly hear the hope in Kaneki’s voice. Whatever else that was said next he couldn’t hear anymore as the door clicked shut.
With a bittersweet smile he finally opened his eyes. And just as soon as he does, a vicious cough tore his throat.
1…
2…
3….
Red petals falling down.
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To many, my reality may seem cruel and harsh. But l wanted you to know no matter what anyone tells you, I have not suffered. To me, the pain I endured was just how much I was capable of loving you. The stronger the pain intensified, the further my feelings deepened by each millstone of wound it inflicted.
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“Nagachika-san, right now you are in the moderate stage of hanahaki byou disease. I am sure you have already experienced a few of the minor symptoms. But to warn you the symptoms will only increases from here on out. This brochure lists the major symptoms of….”
He didn’t bother to listen anymore. The most important parts he already knew. Right now he was more concern about Kaneki, who he just visited from Anteiku before coming here.
“...there are 3 options to treat hana-”
He wondered what Kaneki next steps will be. And whatever they are, will Kaneki be fine without him? Will he be fine without Kaneki? Is this the very first time they won’t be together ever since becoming friends?
“...strongly advises against waiting for…”
This will be the first time.
Just thinking about the imminent parting, his heart was hurting and his very breath seem to be smothering him. His entire world will soon be enclosing on him, diminishing to nothing except himself.
He didn’t want that.
He wanted to stay with Kaneki.
“…if you want we can start with medica-”
But he knew he couldn’t.
It was a battle he can’t fight alongside with Kaneki. It was something Kaneki must do by himself. Because like him, Kaneki also wanted to protect his precious friend.
“…surgery before it gets to…”
So even if he can’t be with Kaneki, he promised he will do whatever he can to watch over Kaneki until Kaneki can come home.
“…lose any emotions for….”
Until then he will be here as he is now.
“…likely chance of dying…”
Everything else about him was inconsequential.
“Nagachika-san, do you agree? Nagachika-san?”
Nothing was more important than Kaneki.
“Nagachika-san!”
The loud shout of his name jerked him back to reality. Blinking away his thoughts, he returned back to the conversation. He saw the doctor looking at him in concern.
“Sorry! I’m just…still in shock,” he lied as he scratched his head. He was not in shock. He has accepted it.
“I understand. It is a lot to take in. But like I said, it is better to undergo surgery at the very start of the diagnosis. Do you need more time to think about it?”
“No, I already made my decision.”
His resolution was clear to him. There was no other option.
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Do I hate you for leaving?
No, I don’t hate you for leaving. It was the only one thing you know how to do. Just like me, you will have to suffer on through your own. But by protecting me, at you least you knew you will never truly be alone because I will be safe.
You will have a home to return to.
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“Great! Let’s go ahead and schedule you for the earliest surgery we have ope-”
“I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I’m not going through with the surgery.”
He could visibly see the doctor’s astonishment.
“Nagachika-san….”
“For now I will take the necessary medications.”
“You do realize the medications will not stop the disease? They are just to lessen the pains. They will not make you live longer. ”
“I understand, Dr. Yuuki. But my decision still stands.”
“…I know this is hard. I have seen people who refused to go through the surgery route because they rather hold onto their emotions than to lose it indefinitely. Instead they chose to see how long they have before the advance stage starts to undergo surgery. And at that critical stage there were many complications and even in many cases, death during the surgery. As a fellow human being, I admire their courage and faithful love. But as a doctor, I don’t want to see any patients in unnecessary pain or death.”
He understood what the physician was saying, however, he refused to forgo his feelings for Kaneki in exchange for his meager life.
Because without his feelings, how can he stay beside Kaneki? His love for Kaneki was what defined him.
There was nothing to say. So he held his tongue.
Silence was an answer itself.
The doctor let out a resigned sigh. “I will prescribe the necessary medications. I will see you every two weeks to monitor your progress. As you know every case is different. So it will be hard to tell how long you will have before the advance stage starts.”
“I understand and thank you,” he said as he took the prescription slip. He bowed down in gratitude before turning around to exit the room.
Comes what may, he will preserve.
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And I will be here to welcome you back.
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He knew Kaneki was somewhere here at the 11th ward. But before he could go further into the building, the battle has started. And now the structure was falling down, fires blazing everywhere. He had no choice but to make a strategic retreat.
His breathing became more shallow with each step he was taking away from Kaneki.
It has been too long since he last saw Kaneki. It felt like years but it has only been a few weeks since. And he was missing Kaneki with every fiber of his being. The small glimpse of Kaneki through the binocular was not enough to endure him. Although, Kaneki may now look different with his white hair, he could still easily recognize Kaneki’s body shape anywhere. But at least for now he knew Kaneki was safe. No matter what has happened to Kaneki, he will still be here.
He turned back to look at the burning building in the distance.
Suddenly a thorny ache pierced through his upper body. He gasped out in pain. With each second ticking, the sting sharpened and intensified. He abruptly dropped onto the ground when a second wave of stabbing pains exploded in his chest.
Snow was steadily falling down. He couldn’t even feel the cold as soft snow touched his cheeks.
Everything hurts. All over his body, excruciating pain pulsed in rapid tandem. Each breath he could only just wheezed out. He was barely hanging onto consciousness. And yet he could faintly hear someone calling his name. Not a few seconds later, he felt someone hovering above him, repeatedly saying his name, asking what is wrong.
And then he knew nothing more except for the pitch black of oblivion.
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And I will listen to you as you ask forgiveness for leaving me, although there is no forgiveness to forgive because you did nothing wrong.
And I will tell you about everything that has happened to me. I will unburden myself to you like I couldn’t at the start because I was selfish. Selfish of not wanting to lose you sooner. Selfish of hoarding my love for you. Selfish of wanting to protect you.
And I will patiently listen to you as you yell at me for keeping it a secret, whether it was my love for you or the hanahaki byou disease.
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He slowly opened his eyes. He blinked a few times to properly wake himself up. But it didn’t take him long to know he was in the hospital.
The last thing he remembered was being at the 11th ward. After he has seen Kaneki. A Kaneki with white hair. And then he was about to leave when the symptoms started. This was the first time he has blackened out from the pain though.
Suddenly his eyes widen in shock. He remembered something at the very end before he lost consciousness. Someone was calling his name! Who wou-
“Oh so you’re finally awake, Nagachika,” a familiar voice said.
He jerked in surprise to hear someone and quickly turned to look at the doorway. Nishio-senpai was standing there looking like his usual bored self.
“Nishio-senpai?”
“Tch. Who do you think carry your sorry ass here?”
“Sorry to be a bother. And thank you, senpai! I guess if it weren’t for you I would still by lying in the snow.”
Probably dying.
“…So what’s the deal?”
“Huh? You mean why I fainted?” He scratched his cheek. “I don’t know. Maybe because I was rushing to get there before the fight ended. But I guess I was too late…I really want to see some ghoul and CCG figh-”
“Cut the bullshit. You were practically dying when I got to you. So what’s wrong with you, Nagachika?”
He became quiet at the question. He figured he couldn’t lie to Nishio-senpai but he thought the taller man wouldn’t care enough to pry.
He turned to look out through window. It was dark out. Although he wasn’t sure how long he slept. Maybe it has only been a few hours or maybe a day has passed.
“Nishio-senpai, you know I realized we take our daily lives for granted. And suddenly one day you wake up and see how easy it all can crumble around you. And I think when life ends; it will end just like that, instantly. So we must do what we are able to do when we still can. Right now, all I can do is look after Kaneki and be here when he comes back. Right?” He asked as he turned back to look at the taller man with a happy smile on his face.
“Tsk. I don’t know why I even bother with you.” Walking forward, Nishio-senpai came up to the bed. “Here, you dropped these,” the older man said as he let go of his fingers.
Red, red, and red petals, one after another, gently falling down onto his lap. His face full of shock, he looked up at the other man.
“You still have that maggot-infested look on your face, Nagachika. And frankly I don’t care what you do. See you.”
Without waiting for a response from him, the taller man left the room with a care free wave.
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And I know you will hate me for just a tiny instant because I denied you the chance to support me. For being selfish.
And I know you will quickly feel remorse after.
And you will apologize a thousand times over for not being able to be here, for not being able to love me back.
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As soon as he turned around the corner, he stopped pedaling and came to a gradual stop. He got off his bike and strode over to the wall, peeking around it. Touka-chan was nowhere in sight of the university’s entrance. He sighed in relief and leaned against the brick building just as well as another pain burst through his chest.
It was extremely hard to pretend that every few minute pain wasn’t shooting through his body. He didn’t want to worry Touka-chan because she was already worrying enough about Kaneki.
He involuntarily gasped out. He thumped his fist hard against his chest as if that would help him breathe easier. It doesn’t. He knew from experience. He slowly dropped down to sit on the side street, disregarding of anything. He leaned his head on his knees and prayed for the pain to be done quickly.
The familiar burning tore his throat and he violently coughed out petals. Dark crimson petals that looked almost like blood. His breathing evened back and his head became clear again. A big inhale then slowly exhale out.
“Nagachika-kun!”
He promptly looked up at the sound and saw Kimi-san kneeling next to him.
“Come, Nagachika-kun. Let’s get you off the sidewalk,” she said as she helped him stand up.
The petals on his lap fell down onto the street. And just as a breeze came, it blew the petals away like it was never there.
------
And I will softly hit you on your forehead for being dense on both counts. Just knowing you would have been with me, made me happy. And you do love me, delusional Kaneki. Though the love may be a bit different from mine, love is still love in its purest form.
And then you will be the one this time to watch over me like I have watch over you during your absence from my side.
------
“So let me guess, Kaneki-kun does not know? Because I doubt he would have left if he knew,” Kimi-san said.
After she had helped him, they migrated to the cafe just right outside of the university. Now they sat there with their drinks cooling on the table between them.
“No…” That’s all he really could answer.
“I see.”
His hands begin to tremble. A small tinge of pain sizzled up his nerves.
“Will you be okay, Nagachika-kun?”
He smiled brightly. “Yeah. It comes and goes. But I’m fine now.”
“If…if you ever need someone, someone to talk to or to help you, you can call me. Or if you don’t want me, I can get Nishiki for you. I don’t want to see you handling it alone.”
He was surprise to hear her kind offer of help. It made him just a bit happy to know that there are a few people who are concerned about him. And it made him hope that wherever Kaneki is, someone next to him is concerned about him too.
------
And everything else will be okay.
------
He unrolled the poster revealing a picture of a smiling Kaneki. He smiled sadly at seeing Kaneki’s familiar face.
“For crying out loud…don’t make that nice girl worry about you, Kaneki,” he whispered as he remembered Touka-chan boldly saying that Kaneki was probably reading somewhere out there and was doing fine.
It warmed his heart to see someone know Kaneki’s personality so dearly. He was glad to see someone else care for Kaneki’s well being like he was. And yet at the same time, he was a bit sad that one day Touka-chan will probably be the one in his place. The one who people will see standing next to Kaneki. If that was the case, then he wished Kaneki and her happiness.
He carefully rerolled the poster and laid it next to the others on the floor.
The floor scattered with scarlet petals.
------
But I know this was not how it will be.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to see you, Kaneki.
------
Once again he found himself sitting in a chair across from Dr. Yuuki.
“Nagachika-san, how many times do you feel the sharp pain in your chest throughout the day?”
“…20 or more.”
The physician wrote down his answer.
“And the intensity on the scale from 1 to 10.”
“It varies. Some days the pain is a 2. Others are close to an 8 or higher.”
Another scribbled against his clip board.
“Hmmm…how many times does this resulted in the lost of conscious?”
“Just once every few days.”
“How long do they last?”
“Roughly 5 minutes to 10 minutes.”
Pen flowing along the paper without a stop.
“…how many times you vomited petals?”
“Lately, it has been consistent. I vomited each time the pain is an 8 or higher. So 3 to 5 times a day.”
The doctor paused in his writing. “Hmmm…”
He knew what the doctor will be saying next. He read all he could about hanahaki byou disease.
He was now entering the last stage.
------
Be angry at me if you must. Shout to the sky of your resentment. Cry like there is no tomorrow. Mourn over me until you can no longer feel anything but vast emptiness.
------
It has been six months since 11th ward. 98 Days since he last saw Kaneki.
He gazed sadly at the novel, “The Hanging Man’s MacGuffin” written by Sen Takatsuki, Kaneki’s favorite author. Inside the front page was a dedication simply written out to “Kaneki Ken.”
Once he heard Takatsuki-san has a book signing here, he knew he needed to get a book sign for Kaneki. He could easily imagine Kaneki’s jealous face once the other man found out he met Takatsuki-san. However, Kaneki would be happy because he now finally has a book signed by his favorite author. It was worth standing in the long line just for a glimpse of Kaneki’s happiness.
But before that could happen, Kaneki needed to be here. Kaneki needed to come home.
It’s been too long and he hasn’t seen how Kaneki is holding up, if he is crumbling down, or if he is doing just fine.
And if Kaneki is breaking, he promised, he will be the one to bring Kaneki back.
------
And then look back to our shared memories and remember our good times. Laugh as you recall the funny moments. Joyfully cry at the cheerful moments we had together. And always be happy to have known me. Like I am happy to have known you.
Please, don’t let this leave a blemish in our memories.
Because I won’t.
------
He stood behind the pillar, contemplating what on earth they were talking with such grave faces when suddenly someone walked past him.
“Seido-san?” he called out to the man.
“Hmm...oh.”
“Things seem a bit different than usual. Has something happened?”
“Oh, I’m not really sure. They haven’t told me about anything.”
“Hmmm….Okay.”
“Sorry, but I’m in kind of a hurry,” Seido-san explained as he quickly walked away.
He quietly watched the other man leave.
He wondered if all these flurry activities are due to finding someone big in the ghoul world. Did they found the One-Eyed Owl? Aogiri Tree? Or he hoped not, Eyepatch.
Kaneki…
He shook off his bleak thoughts.
He felt a quick flash of pain and then a burning sensation. Fingers trembling, he quickly covered his mouth to cough. He removed his hand and slowly closed it into a fist, crumbling the petals within.
Whatever the case may be he needed to be prepared.
------
Do I wish for things to be different?
------
His body ached with each step he took to work. He noticed since the doctor’s visit, his body weakening each day that passed. It was getting harder and harder for him to get up and start his day now. The symptoms were getting worse too. It was getting too troublesome to hide it from everyone. Soon he will need to tell his manager about his condition. Or something has to be done.
He glanced up ahead and saw Seido-san standing there, staring down at an envelope. “Good morning, Seido-san,” he called out as he got closer.
“Oh…Nagachika.”
“Something’s wrong?”
Usually the man seemed more cheerful.
“Ah, well…I guess congratulations are in order. I made the team.”
“Team?”
“You haven’t heard? There is a mission to exterminate the Owl. I made the list of members.”
“That’s great news! Congratulations, Seido-san.”
“Yeah…”
“Are you not happy?”
“No, I am happy. This is my chance to prove myself….But it’s…this,” saying so the other man held out the envelope earlier.
His eyes widen in shock as he read the front.
Testamentary Note.
“I never have written one before.”
“I see.”
Testamentary note….to leave behind for those who still lives.
“So I don’t know what to write.”
Will I soon be writing one?
A testamentary note to Kaneki….
“So now I have the rest of day off until tonight’s mission.”
“The mission is tonight? Where is it?”
“Ahhh…a café place called Anetiku.”
------
For it was this path that brought me to you.
And you to me.
------
Damn it! He can’t give up now.
He was getting closer to Anteiku. But the excruciating pain was getting harder to ignore. He could barely even walk straight. He was just stumbling in the snow using the buildings as crutches.
I can’t give up!
He knew without a doubt that Kaneki will be there. Kaneki would do everything he can to protect his Anteiku friends, no matter that he left them to go to Aogiri. So he must go there where Kaneki is.
But with each step on the ground he had to stop and brutally vomited out petals. His heart was burning steadily with each lungful of freezing air. His body was shaking with tremor, muscle contracting against throbbing pains.
As the last shudder left him, he excruciatingly got back up and staggered his way to Anteiku, leaving red trails on the white pure snow.
------
Regardless of what may happen during the long road, the ups and the downs, I have always continuously walked towards you.
------
“You really are a bothersome kohai, Nagachika,” the older man said heatedly.
“I know,” he softly agreed. “So thank you for taking care of me all this time, senpai.” He bowed his head to show his sincere feelings.
It was during the last few feet before arriving to Anteiku that he blacked out due to the immense sufferings his body was enduring. When he became aware of his surroundings, he found himself at the hospital. He was told it was senpai who bought him in.
Now, an hour has since passed then…From the time he met with Dr. Yuuki, who was called in to monitor his progress, after he woke up to when he fought against his pain to walk forward to Anteiku, where Kaneki is.
“So what are you going to do now, Nagachika?”
He smiled sadly as he looked down at his lap littered with scarlet petals. He realized that it was hauntingly eerie how it was almost similar to the last time senpai was here with him in 11th ward. It seems so long since that time. How wretchedly fascinating how time just flew by with changes. But like then till now, he only cared about one thing.
“What is there to do, Nishio-senpai? There is nothing to be done.”
“You’re not taking the surgery?”
I can’t.
“You’re giving up?”
I can’t give up my feelings for Kaneki in exchange for my life.
“Without a fight? Are you really that stupid, you nitwit? What is more important than your miserable life? If you are dead, you can’t do anything.”
“You don’t understand…If I go through with this, there are thousands of complications. And there is a highly chance of me dying. Even if it was successful, I would come out of there with no emotions for Kaneki!”
Without any warnings he felt a sudden sharp pain cutting through his chest. Deep agonizing breaths, he continued.
“Rather it be love or friendship, I would feel nothing! How can I be with Kaneki if I can’t bring myself to care about him?!”
His body was shaking with each pain piercing his heart. His breathing was becoming shorter. But he ignored it.
“Then I would just be,” deep breaths, “hurting Kaneki when I am supposed to be protecting him! So it’s better if it ends like thi-”
Abruptly out of nowhere, he felt a hard sting against his cheek accompanying by a loud “thwack” sound. The force of it made him turned his head to the side. He slowly turned back and his eyes widen in shock to Kimi-san standing next to him with her open palm in the air, tears rolling down her face.
“Kimi-san?” he asked just as he heard senpai echoing him in the background.
“Nagachika-kun, you are selfish! How can you say that? That it is okay for you to die like this? Have you ever stopped to think about how you, dying of hanahaki byou disease, will affect Kaneki-kun?”
Before he could say anything, she hastily continued.
“It’s just not you who are affected by it. Me, Nishiki, everyone at Anteiku and especially Kaneki-kun. And I know Kaneki-kun will not want you to die. If he was here, he will tell you to take the surgery because you are his precious friend.”
His heart started beating harder. He could faintly hear the monitor beeping faster in tandem to his.
“He would rather be hurt that you can’t care about him than be hurting because you are dead. And you…would have want the same thing too if it was Kaneki.”
Kaneki…what can I do?
He thought as he felt the tedious familiar pain swarming up his throat. Wheezing for air, he quickly leaned over the bed. A vicious cough ripped through his aching body. He vomited blood red petals, one after another, onto the bare tiles. He heard them calling his name. He dimly heard flurries of feet stomping into his room before he closed his eyes to the darkness.
------
So welcome home, Kaneki.
------
“Nishio-senpai, if you can give this to Kaneki I would be much grateful,” he said as he held out a white envelope. “Just in case…” He trailed off as he smiled miserably.
The taller man looked at it for just a moment before taking it out of his hand.
He nervously scratched his cheek. “Even…even if I do make it out, can you please still give it to Kaneki? I just…want to say goodbye to Kaneki with the me now not after.”
The me who grew alongside with him, who cried and laughed together.
The me who cared and lived for Kaneki, who protected Kaneki with the best of his capability.
The me who never gave up on Kaneki, who loved Kaneki with his whole heart.
That me. Not someone else who I won’t recognize.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Thank you, senpai.”
“....There is just one thing, Nagachika, I want to ask.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“You knew….about everything? Kaneki being a gh-”
“Ghoul,” he finished. “Yes, I knew since the time you beat the crap out of me. Hahaha. I pretended to be dead but you still continued, Nishio-senpai. You are so cruel to do that to your loveable kohai.” His voice suddenly turning somber, he continued, “Yeah, I knew about everything though. Kaneki leaving Anteiku. Kaneki in Aogiri. Kaneki as Eyepatch. I knew.”
“All of this Kaneki was trying to prevent and you knew all about it. What a waste.”
He couldn’t help but laugh out loud in response. Because it was true. He knew and Kaneki left to protect him. Kaneki didn’t want him to hate the younger man for becoming a ghoul. But maybe…maybe if he had said something sooner…
“Yeah, I know. But…,” a sad smile appeared, “Kaneki is doing all he can to protect me.”
“Tsk. Both of you are troublesome. Well…your surgery how long will it be?”
“Hmm…3 to 6 hours depending if any complications comes up.”
“Huh…so just in time for dawn then.”
“Yeah,” he softly agreed.
Dawn…almost as if the new dawn is hinting at a new beginning. Whatever it is, I just hope it will be with Kaneki.
A young nurse suddenly knocked on the door, interrupting the solemn mood. “Excuse me, but Nagachika-san it is time for your surgery.”
“Ah…I will see you after then.” Saying so, the older man stood up and walked towards the exit. And just right outside was Kimi-san, still crying.
He smiled a bit remembering her scolding words. It was what made him realized he still needed to be here for Kaneki. Surgery was a fighting chance of living but waiting for the disease to consume him was giving up. And he can’t give up just yet. Kaneki was still not here where home is.
But if he did die, he would die with no regrets.
Being with Kaneki has made his life ten thousand times better.
But now, it was time for the operation to begin, a time for a new beginning whatever it may bring.
Kaneki….
-----
And always remember,
-----
“You just got home?”
“Yeah. Got in yesterday.”
“Where did you went then?”
“Hmmm…I went to many places. But this one was Italy.”
“Tch. Can’t believe you get to travel and be paid for it.”
“Hahaha. You could be my assistant then you get to travel too.”
“As if I would take orders from you.”
“That is very like you, senpai. I would have been shocked if you had said yes.”
“You little bra-”
“Now, now don’t be rude, Nishio,” Touka-san interrupted as she walked towards their table, carrying their drinks on the tray. “He just came back after all.”
“Tch. That has nothing to with Nagachika being a brat.”
Hide laughed out loud. It was nice being home again, to be able to laugh with friends. “You are probably right, senpai.”
As Touka-san was putting their drinks down, Hide noticed she kept glancing at his book. “Touka-san, do you like to read this book?”
“Eh?”
“You keep looking at it.”
“Oh….no, I…it just reminded me of someone…from long ago.”
“Hmmm…” Hide wondered what she was thinking about to have such a sad look on her face. “The Hanging Man’s MacGuffin” was not a sad book; it’s a horror story about multiple criminals and their crimes. He especially liked the criminal who said people looked like candy. His was an interesting story to read.
“Well, if you need anything else just let me know,” Touka-san said as she quickly walked away from their table.
“Is Touka-san alright?” Hide asked in worry.
“Who knows.”
“Ah…so what do you need to see me for Nishio-senpai?” Hide asked as he remembered the phone call from the older man asking to see him when he was back in Tokyo.
“…It’s been roughly three years since your surgery right?”
Hide was surprised to hear the sudden question. But nonetheless, he answered affirmative.
“Anything new?”
Hide shook his head. “No. Still the same as before. Remembering my past, nothing comes to mind. It’s just a blank. I would get a quick flash but nothing concrete to go on. Just everyday routine like flashes of me in class or reading. Usually it’s just me alone.”
“I see…”
“But I guess it doesn’t matter since I am doing just fine,” Hide said.
“So you are not looking for Kaneki Ken anymore?”
Hide looked at Nishio-senpai with a contemplating look, wondering what the older man wanted.
“No. He has been missing for over 3 years now. Police advised against hoping for his return since he is most likely dead.”
From the background he could hear glass shattering onto the floor. He could hear Touka-san hurriedly cleaning up the mess.
“There is no point. Even if he was here today with me, it wouldn’t change anything. I may have loved him in the past, but now I don’t feel anything when I think of the name Kaneki Ken. And I have been living fine without knowing my past. I believe I will continue to do so.”
“I see…”
Hide noticed senpai was shifting in his seat. That’s a bit unusual of him since he usually slouched in his chair. “Why do you ask Nishio-senpai? Did something happen?”
“Well, all sorts of things can happen in life….but in your case, no. Kimi wanted me to ask after you.”
“Kimi-san! How is she?”
“The usual, still writing articles for magazines.”
“Ah, next time we must get together since it’s been a while.”
“I will let her know.”
“Awesome! Well if that’s all senpai I must take off or I’m going to be late. I have an appointment with Dr.Yuuki. See you, Nishio-senpai.”
Hide dropped change onto the table and quickly grabbed his things under his arm. He cheerfully waved goodbye to the older man and a shouted bye to Touka-san.
Opening the door of the café, he stepped out into the sunny open-air.
------
I love you.
To love and die or not to love and live?
By Nishino Kimi @Kamii University News January 01, 2013
Hanahaki byou disease is so much more complex than it looked. It sounds almost too perfect for a set up of a tragic fairytale romance - where we root for the third party to win her heart instead of the same old prince charming routine.
Here’s a quick break down of hanahaki byou disease.
It is a disease affecting the human body system. It is due to a recessive gene that only a third of the population carries. When a person has unrequited feelings, it activate the recessive gene. It will plant the seed in the heart muscle and the person will vomit petals. Overtime, a person can die due to suffocation or heart inflammatory if nothing was being done.
There are two options to get rid of this disease: their love being requited or extracting the seed through heart surgery. A third option is medication, but it only lessens the pain and not cures it. If choosing the surgical process, the petals will stop but with it goes the owner's feelings for their loved one.
As you can see, its sounds tragically beautiful on paper but in reality there is nothing beautiful about the choices and consequences of them.
I met and interviewed many people who were affected by it, rather it be the person with the disease or close family and friends of theirs. Just let me tell you now, the only one thing that was beautiful about it was the burning love the person holds. They all loved hard and true with no prejudice.
Here’s a story about a young man’s love for his best friend.
Seiichi-san met his best friend when they were 7 years old. From that moment he asked to be friends, they have never been far from each other side. They were each other’s support, family when they have no one; they were everything to each other, always looking out for the other one even while the other was doing the same.
It came to no surprise when Seiichi-san feelings begin to change.
I asked him when he knew his feelings started to change. He told me that it wasn’t about changing one kind of love for another type of love. “It was probably inevitable. My love for him just exists.”
Because of his love for his cherish friend and wanting to protect him, Seiichi-san chose not to tell his friend when he was diagnose with hanahaki byou disease. He would rather carry this burden himself then worry his precious friend. Of course the hard part was not the disease itself but the choices he had to make because of it. His choice was either to give up his feelings and live or to keep loving until the bitter end.
Seiichi-san told me, “Without my love for him, I am nothing. If I go through with the surgery, I give up my feelings for him. I will no longer be able to stand by his side. Or if I don’t go with the surgery, I still lose him because of death. Either way, I lose him. If that’s the case, I would rather die with my feelings then live empty without him. Loving him is who I am.”
Seiichi-san was set to die without undergoing surgery. However in the last few minutes, he changed his mind because he realized he was being selfish. He realized the bigger picture was not about him but about whom he was leaving behind - his most precious friend who he cherishes more than anything else. Seiichi-san realized his best friend would rather be hurt that he can’t care about him anymore than be hurting forever because he was dead. By putting it like that, it was no contest to see which sides win.
December 20, Seiichi-san went into surgery for 6 hours. The surgery was a success. Seiichi-san came out of the surgery losing the ability to have any emotions for his loved one. However, due to many complications and trauma, he now has dissociative amnesia, retrograde autobiographical memory loss. He lost all of the memories pertaining to his best friend.
Now if he was to read this, he would not recognize anything here. Not the conversations, not the experiences, or the feelings he covertly treasured. He would probably take it as a stranger’s lovelorn story. Not as his own tale of selfless and unending love for his precious friend.
And if he was to run into this best friend, he will not recognize him, let alone as a friend. He will not be able to feel any emotions toward his once loved one. Not even a feeling of remorse if he were to accidentally knock him down on the street. He would probably help him up, give the usual lip-service courtesy of apology, turn away with no feelings, and brush the whole incident away from his mind. His once loved one is now a complete stranger.
Even if he did want to feel something for this stranger, he will not be able to. Any feelings are cut off like the seed was extracted leaving only a blank space behind. There is nothing left to connect it to.
Before undergoing surgery, Seiichi-san spoke to me one last time: “To me, the pain I endured and the thousands of petals I vomited are not of sufferings. Instead they tell of how much I was capable of loving him. I have no regrets.”
Seiichi-san spoke like a true hero, who live and die by his own convictions.
From this harsh experience, I knew hanahaki byou disease is not a tale of unrequited love but just a tale of burning passionate love just like the red petals Seiichi-san vomited.
There are no distinctions in love.
So, would you rather love and die or not to love and live?
For the previous article, please click here.
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“Ah, damn it!” Hide suddenly stopped in his tracks as realized he grabbed everything but his book. He couldn’t believe he forgot it - the size of itself should not have been easily overlooked. He silently blamed the forgetfulness on Nishio-senpai.
Looking at the clock on his phone, he saw he still has a few minutes to spare. Making his decision, Hide quickly turned around and rush back to :re.
He smiled contently as he got closer to the café. Each time Hide visited :re, he has always been hit with feelings of serenity and happiness. So he tried to visit each time he was back in Tokyo. The delicious coffee served there was simply an extra bonus. No matter how long he brewed his own coffee, it always turned out bitter.
Stepping onto the porch, Hide reached over to grab the door knob when all of a sudden the door swung open on its own. Eyes wide with shock, Hide stepped back and looked up.
A young man with black streaks through his white hair, holding a copy of “The Hanging Man’s MacGuffin” in his hand, stared right back at Hide.
------
Sincerely only ever yours in this life and the next,
Hide