Work Text:
Stage 1 and 2
It happens after a split.
You don’t know what you are or were feeling. The feeling was stripped away from you, it had been taken. It does not belong to you anymore. You don’t know what has been taken away, but you can feel the absence, and you feel weary, but you don't know why. You go about your life, unknowing and normal, but you feel something is amiss. You don’t really think anything should be, after all no one is angry. You are doing well, and so are the people around you. It is a beautiful day, the bright blue sky and the rays of sun shining through your windows only spell peace, and yet something feels very strange. You can feel the crackles bleeding into your feelings and thoughts, yet it doesn’t affect you, at least not on the outside. But, if you do not display it outside, then it must be fine. You try to ignore it, you must be doing so well as your body does not act like you are in any distress. You are out of touch with your body and mind, but you try not to think about it, you block it from your mind, and the thought eventually becomes lost.
You are doing fine, yet you still can hear the grime of the records.
Stage 3
Now you can see something is wrong. Your body is displaying emotion that you can point to as anger or sadness, but you do not know why. The emotion is not yours, but that's a strange way to describe it, after all how can it be? You feel uncomfortable and strange as your body displays emotions you can recognize but not you yourself feel. You can in a way feel the emotions, but as they run through your mind you yourself remain indifferent and calm, yet, you now feel unnerved. You try to ignore it, but now as you start to display these feelings to others, you realize you cannot control your body. You cannot be thinking this, you are normal, you cannot behave this way, if my body says what it says then it is what I say and think too. You try to block out your feelings and thoughts, you are now a puppet to your body’s actions.
You feel the despair of your loss of control, and you now feel empty and unable to think.
Stage 4 and 5
When you are alone, there are times when you start feeling overwhelming emotions of despair and anger. You cannot distinguish yourself from these emotions anymore and when it happens, it feels as if it is happening to you. These screams and sobs overwhelm your mind and you cannot snap out of it, you are in danger. You feel as though your life is ending, yet nothing is happening, the emotions flood your consciousness as you lay in pain on the floor, unable to think or feel other than what your mind is giving you.
Stage 6
You cannot remember. You feel exhausted, but you don’t know why. You know you cried, but you don’t know why. You feel a depressive cloud fog and hang in your mind. You cannot remember. Why did I feel something was strange? It feels normal now. I feel normal now. I am normal. I do not feel, I do not think, I do not remember, and I am normal.