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In all honesty, the first time it happens is a complete accident. Lilith is aware that this statement won’t hold a huge amount of water, but there’s really no other way to describe it.
“Are you gonna be good for me?”
Lilith can’t really breathe enough to answer aloud, has to settle for the mere suggestion of a nod that is entirely lacking in her normal level of poise and decorum.
So yeah – the first time had been an accident.
Only the first time.
“Good girl, Lil,” it’s crooned into her ear in a tone a little too smug to be entirely genuine, and Lilith bares her teeth even as she shivers. “You’re doing so well.”
The tiny part of Lilith’s brain that provides sarcastic commentary and sullen glares at a moment’s notice wants to point out that Lilith isn’t doing much of anything, really, and it’s not for a lack of trying. The rest of her is entirely too busy dealing with how thoroughly she’s pinned and how little she wants to be anywhere else but here – laid out on her front on her mattress, one arm twisted up behind her and held in the firm grip that’s keeping her still, keeping her from flipping them, from clawing back even a fraction of control over the situation.
A warm hand rests innocently at the nape of her neck, and Lilith will be damned if she can focus on anything other than that gentle grip.
“Are you ready for me, baby?”
Lilith hisses an inarticulate, indignant noise even as her cheeks, ears, neck all burn hot at the teasing.
The hand at her nape shifts, cards through the messy remnants of a ponytail – forms a fist and tugs.
Her back bows with it, neck arched back and shoulders straining, her free hand slipping out from under her - and her bare chest pressing more solidly down into the rumpled bedding.
“I asked a question, Lily.”
The grip relaxes, point made. Lilith presses her forehead to the cool sheets, feels the hand on her wrist tighten and tug, forcing her arm up and putting the slightest edge of pain on top of the pressure in her shoulder.
“Yes.” It’s a word – barely, the heat of her breath reflected back by the bedding. The hand in her hair tugs again.
“Sorry, baby?” Lilith can hear the grin, wants desperately to wipe the smugness away. “You know I can’t hear you when you hide like that.”
“Yes.” Lilith enunciates a little clearer, chews on the word a little more thoroughly, pulled into greater clarity by the pressure that has not entirely abated on her scalp.
“Tch,” A scolding noise, one Lilith recognises immediately and feels viscerally. “Yes what, Lilith? I know you’ve got better manners than that.”
Lilith stews in indignation and arousal, wishes faintly that she could claim the indignation was the primary response, but lying isn’t her chosen sin of the evening.
“Yes, please.” She gasps it out, just as the grip on her wrist is relaxed, as her hand is untwisted from the pin and guided down to the mattress.
“Remind me what you’re asking for, again?”
Lilith growls, entirely involuntarily.
“Camila.”
Behind her, Camila laughs, a sweet, airy sound entirely at odds with the situation. Lilith shivers with it, grips and releases the crumpled bottom sheet in shaking fists.
“I’m sorry for teasing, Lily, but you’re being so good for me – I can’t help it.”
Lilith feels the weight behind her shift, feels the warm, solid press of Camila as the woman leans down, feels the brush of soft lips as she traces the path of a shoulder blade. The lips press a string of chaste kisses upward, close to the line of her spine. Camila’s hands splay on either side of Lilith’s own; Lilith can see the strong line of her forearms without turning her head.
“Ask me again, baby.” Camila breathes, shiveringly close to Lilith’s ear, follows her request with a swift nip to a straining trapezius.
“Camila, cam – please,” Lilith is fighting a losing battle, has the good sense to know where she’s beaten. Surely, there’s a little dignity to be found in capitulating with grace? “Please, I-"
There’s not a lot of dignity in asking for what she so desperately wants, not this time, that’s for sure.
“C’mon, Lily, use your words.”
Lilith does not want to use her words, thank you very much, and she knows that Camila is well aware of this. Another series of kisses are bestowed along the column of Lilith’s neck, and she turns automatically to grant her better access. She feels the soft brush of Camila’s hair, blinks hazily up at the weird slice of Camila’s profile she is afforded from this angle. “I know you know what I want to hear.”
“Camila – you know I – It’s,” Lilith attempts to argue her position even as the tiny part of her not ass up and desperate rolls her eyes at the sheer audacity of attempting to argue anything while so clearly at Camila’s mercy. Dignity, Lilith has to cling to something, besides the bedsheets. “Don’t make me say it, please.” She grits out, pressing her face to the sheets so as to block out the edge of Camila’s curling smile.
“No?” Camila strokes a hand over Lilith’s mussed hair, teases a few trapped strands up from in front of her eyes, rubs a soothing thumb at the base of Lilith’s skull. The mattress dips a bit by Lilith’s hip, and Camila’s weight over her moves away. Lilith focuses on breathing, eyes shut tight, each breath warming the soft sheets at her mouth. “You ok, baby?” Camila’s tone has dropped from teasing to caring, her hands sweep soothing arcs across Lilith’s back.
“Mhmm,” Lilith hums a positive noise. “I can’t –“ Her heart is a rapid staccato in her chest, the words sit in a tangle at the base of her throat. She’s too hot and Camila is too far, and she needs, she just needs.
It’s still a pretty new feeling – to need like this.
Camila coos a soft, reassuring noise, like she understands. She probably does, deduces the fraction of Lilith still capable of coming to conclusions – Camila isn’t blind or stupid, and this isn’t the first time she’s had Lilith bare before her.
“Ok, that’s ok,” The mattress shifts again, and Lilith chokes on her air as she feels the soft warmth of a body settle back overtop of her. “I know, I’ve got you. Remember – 3 quick taps on the bed and it all stops. Show me you understand?”
Lilith shows her she understands.
Camila drags her hands down Lilith’s back, strokes warmth along the plane of her shoulder blades, trails down the run of her lats, presses firmly into the meat of the muscles that keep her spine straight, that keep her upright and solid. Camila introduces the blunt edge of short fingernails on the upsweep, and Lilith has never felt so far from upright.
“Please, Cam,” she finds herself gasping it out again as hands settle at the curve of her waist, as they grip more solidly, moving Lilith back and onto her haunches, encouraging her up onto her knees, “please.”
“Shh, shh baby, I’ve got you.” The hand on Lilith’s right hip slides around to splay low on her belly, pressing against her pubic bone, reminding Lilith that, yes, all the blood in her body has actually relocated to her clit, and thank you for noticing.
A wordless, desperate little noise escapes from between gritted teeth, and Camila laughs fondly, dips her hand between Lilith’s legs with intent.
“Fuck.”
Like the absolute demon she is, Camila has spread her forefingers into a maddening ‘v’, ignoring where Lilith is genuinely going mad for want of touch.
“Patience, Lily.” Camila murmurs, a little huskier than before.
Lilith presses back against the firm line of Camila knelt behind her, huffs shaky breaths with her head bowed. All of Lilith’s commendable focus is on the pressure just not quite where she needs it, she can feel her thundering pulse there at the juncture of her thighs, held pinned in place by the delicate press of Camila’s hand.
And then – so fixated on the not-quite-there teasing press of nimble fingers, Lilith had almost forgotten –
Camila presses forward, twists her hips a little against Lilith, and the flared head of her strap presses into her with a burning heat.
Lilith garbles out a startled noise of pleasure, immediately wants to stuff the sound back between her teeth. Camila hums a low, dark noise, slips clever fingers over Lilith’s clit as she presses the firm length of the strap deeper.
Lilith has to round her shoulders, has to press the crown of her head down into the mattress and to bite at her lips to keep still; to hold back the desperate, ungainly noises that want to spill from her. She’s breathing like she’s just run a marathon, like she’s just sprinted 3 flights of stairs. Her legs burn from the effort of holding her body rigid.
Camila tugs with the hand still on Lilith’ waist, drives the last inches of the strap home with a measured snap of her hips, and Lilith choaks on a groan so filthy it makes her ears burn.
“Fuck, baby, you did so good.” Camila’s gone breathy with the moment, hitching her hips in a mindless rut against Lilith, every tiny jolt of the strap like a thunderclap. “You took me so well, Lily,” the praise is probably as mindless as the motion of her hips, but the words drip down Lilith’s spine and settle heavy and warm in the cradle of her pelvis. Camila breathes 3 steadying breaths – Lilith recognises the cadence from a lifetime of martial arts coaching, would laugh under literally any other circumstances – before teasing the strap slowly back, an aching withdrawal that has Lilith squirming, breath catching in anticipation of the return.
Camila does not make her wait, as the sliver of sane-Lilith expects; anticipating another entreaty to voice her wants. Camila growls a tiny, possessive noise that makes Lilith’s toes curl, drives the strap back with vicious precision, perfect and damning. Lilith is unhinged by it, keens out a high, deeply embarrassing whine at the steady, focussed pace Camila settles in to.
“Fuck, baby, look at you,” Camila groans, fingers teasing steady circles around Lilith’s aching clit while smoothing a hot palm up the bowed sweep of Lilith’s trembling spine. That hand comes back to rest at the nape of Lilith’s neck, and the desperate noise it is greeted by surprises the pair of them. “Good girl, Lily, I wanna hear you,” The hand squeezes at her nape, a soft thumb presses just behind her mastoid bone. “I want to hear that I’m making you feel good.” Lilith shivers, presses up into the hand and back onto the strap stretching her cunt.
“Camila,” it’s a gasp, and it is heavy with desperation; Lilith doesn’t have the words for what she needs. Her body has become all at once a wanton stranger to her, the throbbing heat of her loud and uproarious. She is so full of need, chases the fulness of every sure stroke of Camila’s hips, wants the hand at her nape to be around her throat and in her mouth and teasing at her breasts and it is maddening. “Camila -” She can’t make any other words, can barely think past the jolting drag of Camila’s fingers and the aching thickness of Camila’s strap, and Camila’s low, dirty monologue.
“Fuck, baby,” The pressure on her neck becomes an order, and Lilith follows it, letting her hands slide and her chest drop and pressing herself to the sheets, turning so that her sweaty cheek meets the cool cotton. “There’s my good girl, so pretty laid out for me like this.”
Lilith thinks, absently, that she might be at risk of simply catching fire. The words curl around her, and she wants to crawl out of her skin at the shame despite how instinctively she arches into the praise. The shift in position has allowed Camila a more powerfully dangerous angle, and Lilith fights the need to bite at the bedding, at her lips, at her own arm. She can hear how the breath sobs out of her with each thrust, can feel the burn in her hamstrings and hip flexors from how she chases the fullness, how she presses back into Camila’s driving hips.
“Good, good girl, taking what you want. You want it harder?” Camila relinquishes her hold on Lilith’s neck to tug on Lilith’s hip, adding power to every solid drive of the strap. The sound of their bodies colliding is obscene, Lilith can’t stand it. “Lily? You gonna tell me?”
Lilith opens her mouth, means to answer, means to scold Camila again for asking when she knows how Lilith hates to voice these ungainly wants. Camila anticipates her, drives forward hard, bottoms out and holds herself there, grinds with tightly controlled rolling of her hips. Lilith manages a breathy, mortifying whine.
“I want you to tell me, baby.” Camila drapes herself along the length of Lilith’s back, the pair of them tacky with sweat and burning hot. The strap is thick and heavy and moving torturously slow, Lilith pants, insensate. Camila’s hand – the hand that’s been between Lilith’s legs - has drifted up, trails obscenely wet fingers up Lilith's tensing, trembling abs, teases almost absently along the curve of a breast. Camila leans to press a kiss to the angle of Lilith’s jaw, and the movement registers only in the obscene pleasure of the strap buried deep. “Can you do that for me?”
Right now, Lilith thinks she’d probably do just about anything for Camila, to keep her like this, to have her fuck her into the mattress, to have her lithe body pressed against Lilith like she wants nothing more than the slide of their skin; as if Camila could live in these moments like Lilith does; like Lilith has been living in these moments ever since the first time.
“Camila, I need,” She starts, spits the words with a new urgency as Camila’s wicked mouth presses sucking, demanding kisses along the line of Lilith’s carotid artery; where Camila can surely feel the frenzy that she’s worked Lilith into under her tongue. “Please, Cam.”
Camila’s hips have kept up their slow, searching grind, and it is both so much and so far from what Lilith needs. Lilith scrabbles at the sheets as her back prickles with a weird unease, struggles to turn her head, noses clumsily at Camila’s jaw where she is braced above her. She searches for a drip of clarity in the maelstrom of her inarticulable need.
“Camila, I want – can we,” she shivers to a stop as Camila palms her breast with lewd firmness, and the sensation bolts through her like a lightning strike, but the hitch in her breathing sounds afraid even to her own ears.
“What is it, baby?” Camila’s hips still, her palm slips down to cup the curve of Lilith’s belly.
“I want to be on my back, I want to see you, please.” Staccato, she gasps it out even as she covets the warm weight of Camila, draped near completely over Lilith in a heady sprawl.
“Oh,” Camila hums, licks at a burning mark she has sucked beneath Lilith’s jaw. “Yes, of course you can be on your back, of course you can.” Gravelly now, Camila hums reassurances that buzz in Lilith’s collarbone, her sternum, her jaw.
There is no hope for the dignified reorganisation of 2 bodies this deep (hah) into some pretty intense sex, thinks the miniscule remnant of Lilith’s upright-brain; the part of her that keeps her elbows tucked in at the dinner table, that keeps her posture perfect and her diction clear and crisp. Needless to say, there is no dignity in the process here, and Lilith gets soundly kneed in the kidney, to Camila’s abject mortification.
Lilith wheezes with it, a cartoonish sound, utterly ridiculous. And then all of a sudden, she’s laughing, totally by accident.
She’s naked as the day she was born and in bed with a woman who used to be a nun, fucked half to death on a bed with at least 8 weapons concealed under it.
Lilith presses a hand over her eyes, belly heaving with helpless gales of laughter.
“Lily,” Camila grins down at Lilith, reaches a hand up to brush away a tear that is running up toward Lilith’s hairline. “This looks good on you.”
Lilith grins back, lifts her hand and blinks in consternation at the joy that is burning beside her desire.
“Thank you,” Lilith hushes her hands up and down the planes of Camila’s back, hitches her fingers along the firm lines of her scapulae, tugs Camila down to press a kiss to a smiling mouth.
This kiss is sort of their first, in a way. It’s the first that’s felt purposeful, the first that Lilith has sought from Camila herself, the first she hasn’t needed to be coaxed or startled into. Camila hums against her lips in an infectious joy. But then Lilith draws Camila’s lower lip between her own, toys with the gentlest press of teeth, and the desire comes roaring back. Lilith’s hands drop to Camila’s slim hips, palms catching on the harness straps, urging Camila wordlessly closer.
“You need something, baby?” Camila fixes Lilith with a burning look, the joy still evident in every line of her, but underneath such a naked want that Lilith is struck almost breathless by it.
“You, Camila, please.” Lilith cants her hips up against Camila, desperate all over again. “I need you.”
It seems to strike Camila somewhere she doesn’t expect, to hear it said like that. Lilith second guesses herself for the fleeting moment between the words spilling from her mouth and Camila’s heated, heady reaction. Camila presses her forehead to Lilith’s, grinds her hips down and ruts the strap messily against Lilith’s centre.
“Lily,” It comes out choked and gravelly and it bolts through her and makes her twitch with the heat of it, the need she can hear reflected back at her. Camila presses her mouth to Lilith’s, licks possessively, demandingly, flicks the backs of Lilith’s teeth with her tongue in a way that drives Lilith the rest of the way out of her mind. It has to break, although Lilith would have happily asphyxiated in that kiss, and it breaks loudly, as Camila hooks a hand in the bend of Lilith’s knee, as she grinds decisively into the slickness between Lilith’s legs, hitting her clit with the kind of glancing pressure that makes Lilith want to burst into flame. “It’s ok, baby.” she soothes mindlessly as Lilith cranes upward to chase the kiss. Camila has pulled away, sat back on her knees, stalled out on the way to hopefully fucking Lilith until neither of them can speak anymore –
It takes Lilith a ragged second to realise she isn’t embarrassed to be looked at the way Camila is looking at her, and she absolutely cannot entertain any of the follow-up thoughts that threaten to begin an unruly domino clatter down about her ears.
“Camila, please, I need you to fuck me.” it comes out in a rush, hits Camila like a breezeblock, and Lilith’s awful plea is answered so earnestly that she simply forgets to hate that she said it.
It’s different like this, on her back – she can see Camila, for one thing; the tiny furrow of concentration on her brow, the way the muscles in the arm she’s propped up on tense and flex with the roll of her hips. She can rock up into Camila’s heat, the press of their bodies almost overwhelming, she can feel the corded muscles of Camila’s back move beneath her restless, searching palms.
"Lily,” Camila’s voice is ragged, breathy, Lilith can hear how hard she’s breathing, can viscerally feel how hard she’s working. “You’re so-” Camila cuts off, breath catching and sobbing a little, and Lilith twitches a tiny, triumphant smile, repeats the roll of her hips that must be pressing the strap back into Camila.
Lilith plants a foot on the mattress, surges up to meet Camila’s next thrust; groans as the movement tilts her hips up into the drive of the strap. A staccato groan bursts as if it has been punched from Camila.
“Cami, god,” Lilith gasps, tugging at Camila’s hips, abs working to grind the strap between them – a double edged sword, her cunt pulsing with the drag and press. It’s a deeper, more distant kind of pleasure than the hot white press of Camila’s deft, dangerous fingers over her clit, but it’s filling her with heat like a rising tide. “Do you feel-?” Fuck, how she wants this to be undoing Camila just like she is being undone.
“Yes, baby, god, you feel so good, you’re so good,”
Lilith’s jaw slackens and her neck arches, her body instinctively twisting – somehow neither into or away from the pleasure of Camila’s raw, heady babble of praise. Camila’s head is bowed, the arm she’s got braced at Lilith’s side is shivering with the effort of holding her up.
“Fuck, Lily, hook your leg around me, fuck,” Camila drops shakily to rest on her forearm, hot breath washing over Lilith’s neck. Lilith scrambles to obey, whines out a helpless, needy noise as Camila’s strong frame moves her.
“Camila, fuck, you’re so-” Lilith chokes, the words tugged from her, breathy and desperate.
“You’re doing so, so good for me baby,” Camila rolls her hips in a slower grind, dropping from her half-plank over Lilith’s inferno of a body, pressing them together chest to chest. “You feel so good, I love fucking you like this, you’re so pretty.” Camila groans as Lilith’s hands grasp the tight muscle at the backs of her thighs and squeeze, pulls Camila closer with the leg she’s got wrapped around her, until they can barely move for the press of their bodies.
Shivering, Lilith pants great gasps into the heavy quiet of the bedroom, feels Camila’s own heaving breaths against her. Overcome, Lilith winds a hand into the wild spray of Camila’s curls, scratches gently at her scalp just to see her shiver, tugs needily until Camila bends to press their mouths together.
It’s hardly coordinated enough to be a kiss, but it burns, and Lilith groans into it, swallows Camila’s answering moan and revels in the buzz of Camila’s need in her own chest – pressed tight together.
The strap buried deep in Lilith is the only indicator that Camila moves, Lilith whines at the jolts caused by whatever change of position Camila’s attempting.
“C’mon baby, show me how flexible you are.” Lilith is blearily confused for about a half second, but then Camila sits back a little; Lilith shivers at the cold whisper of air that flows between them as she withdraws, clenches around the strap as if to hold Camila captive. “S’ok Lily, I’ve got you, here, c’mon.”
Lilith shivers, groans a little at the manhandling, whines at the loss of the strap, and then her leg is slung up and over Camila’s shoulder and Camila’s arms are braced either side of Lilith’s neck and the strength of Camila’s wiry body tugs Lilith’s hips up a little off the mattress - and Lilith understands physics and leverage and the movement of bodies – she’s a soldier, a warrior. She flexes her quad, points her toes, thinks ‘oh fuck-’
Camila’s dark eyes meet Lilith’s, and Lilith arches, presses her heel gently against Camila’s muscled back.
“Please, Camila.” Lilith breathes, hands back to their urgent, restless exploration of the woman above her. “Please, I need you so bad.” It’s true, and the heat between them has burned away any shame Lilith feels in the pleading. How can she feel shame, when Camila’s eyes are burning into her own, when Lilith can feel the twitch of seeking hips even as Camila holds herself still? How can Lilith be ashamed of wanting Camila when Camila has been driven just as wild?
Camila’s head drops reflexively and a groan spills from her, but then she’s leaning in, guiding the head of the strap back to press torturously at Lilith’s aching centre. Lilith anchors one hand at the back of Camila’s neck, stares in wide eyed wonder up at Camila.
“Oh, fuck, Camila, fuck – please, more – it’s so good,” She feels drunk, drunk on the searing pulse of her cunt around the slow, slow press of the strap. Camila has her rutting onto the flared head, pulling away to keep from giving her the full length, and Lilith whines, keens, desperate.
“Oh, baby, you need it that bad, huh?” Camila growls, groans a little at the helpless, plaintive noise that escapes from Lilith in response.
“Please, please, yes I need – please, Cam, need you-”
Lilith doesn’t even know what she’s saying.
She’s tugging at Camila’s neck, her abs are burning as she lifts her hips to chase the deep, aching fullness she wants bad enough she’s insensible with it.
“Lily, baby,” Camila croons, rolls her hips in a way that has the strap dragging torturously. “I’ve got you, baby, gonna give you what you want, whatever you want.”
And then she does, with a simplicity that has Lilith near howling.
The snap of Camila’s hips is focussed, precise and powerful. Lilith gasps, whines and sobs falling from her like water spilling from a jug, but she feels too good to care.
The strap is hitting somewhere within her that has her writhing, has her clawing at Camila’s back and surging her hips up to meet each thrust, has her clenching her cunt around the driving strap. Camila babbles profanity and praise in 3 languages, her own noises of pleasure stoking Lilith’s even higher.
“Fuck, Lily,” she pants, hips steady but muscles trembling beneath Lilith’s hands, “you’re gonna make me cum if you keep, fuck, if you keep doing that.”
Lilith sets all of her remaining faculties, limited as they are, to doing that, on every thrust. Camila groans, rounds her shoulders, ruts her hips with renewed vigour.
“Yes, Camila, I want that,” Lilith has never wanted anything more, she thinks, than to see Camila fall apart like this, buried deep and pressed so close and tight to Lilith that it’s hard to tell where one of them ends and the other begins. “Want you to - Cam, fuck.”
“You first baby, are you close?” Camila grits out, eyes blazing, cheeks ruddy and hair a wild halo.
“Yes, so close,” Lilith sobs out, “I’m so close, but I need – Cam, please,”
“Touch yourself, Lilith.” Snaps Camila, before she ducks her head to mouth at the curve of Lilith’s neck. All the breath sobs out of Lilith at the first press of her fingers over her slick, aching clit. Her hands are shaking, and she’s so wet that her first trembling stroke slips, leaving her whining and canting her hips up into Camila. “C’mon baby, fuck, that’s it, so good, good girl.” Camila’s almost slurring, and the steady rhythm of her thrusts is beginning to waver, but they are hard and deep and her cunt is clenching in shivery waves and she’s so so -
“Cam, Cami, I’m gonna, please can I - fuck, fuck.”
“Yes, fuck, that’s it, baby.”
Lilith breaks apart - it washes over her in a burning wave, her muscles locking and shaking, holding Camila tight to her.
Camila cries out, hips rutting desperately, driving Lilith through her orgasm as she works through her own, a shivering weight collapsed over Lilith’s weightless, leaden body.
They tremble against each other for some unknowable time, the tiny hitching movements driving tiny helpless noises from the both of them as they come down together. Lilith’s mind is blissful, blank and quiet and wholly absorbed in the rise and fall of Camila’s back under her hands, the feel of her pressed shivering and still over and inside of her. Lilith holds Camila, quiet and content and warm with a molasses-like pleasure, like laying in a sunbeam, like sinking into a warm bath. She cups the back of Camila’s head, lays still, and feels steady and wanted and safe. She drifts in it while Camila’s breaths steady, and her muscles lose their overwrought trembling.
“Hmmm,” Camila’s satisfied hum is like honey, and it buzzes a pleasant tingle in Lilith’s own ribs. “That was…” Camila trails off hazily, and Lilith sympathises.
“Mhmm,” she agrees muzzily, rubs the palm not in Camila’s hair up and down her back in big sweeping arcs that are for her as much as they are for Camila. She loves being beneath Camila like this, slotted together like puzzle pieces.
“You ok?” Camila asks, presses a kiss to Lilith’s sternum, wiggles and nuzzles more firmly up under Lilith’s chin.
Lilith hums again in answer, a little higher than she’d aimed for, startled by the jolt between her legs as Camila moves. Camila lays still for a moment, and Lilith thinks for a moment that her reaction has been passed over, but then Camila moves again, and Lilith feels the smirk pressed to her collarbone even as her breath hitches.
“Again, baby?” She murmurs, the burr of her low, scratchy sex-voice stokes the heat still playing between her legs, but Lilith still stiffens in a sudden wave of mortification at the question. “Oh, no, baby, I said I’d give you whatever you want,” Camila husks, twitches her hips just enough to work the strap’s thick head against that spot that makes Lilith melt. “I want to make you cum as many times as you want to cum.”
Lilith laughs a breathy little laugh, winded by the words and the everything of the woman on top of her.
“You can’t just – Camila.” She whines, embarrassed. “You can’t just say stuff like that.”
“Why not? It’s true!” Camila retorts, indignant but still clearly not ready to relinquish her sheltered spot at the curve of Lilith’s neck. Lilith rests her chin on Camila’s head even as her insides squirm with a weird cocktail of want and worry.
“It’s – I,” Lilith sputters, brain sluggishly clunking to make sense of the mix of emotions. “That’s too much.”
Camila finally raises her head, squints blearily at Lilith, braces herself on the flat of Lilith’s sternum to push herself into a more upright sprawl, some lazy bastardization of the pose Lilith uses to unclench her abs after a hard workout.
“What on earth do you mean that’s too much?” Camila blinks down in confusion, eyes roaming over Lilith as if she could read the answer off her face. Lilith feels a new, worse heat raising to her cheeks.
“Just, I shouldn’t – I’m the one who-” Lilith doesn’t manage to finish her sentence, too bewildered by her own reaction, then blindsided by another shift of Camila over her – this one apparently unintentional by the surprised hiss of arousal it draws from Camila.
“You’re allowed to want, Lilith.” Says Camila, easily. “We’ve talked about this.”
“Yes, but-” gasps Lilith.
“No, it’s simple.” Camila cups a hand over Lilith’s breast, rubs a thumb over the pebbled nipple, watches with bright eyes as a helpless shiver runs through Lilith. “I want to make you feel good. Fuck, Lilith, do you know what seeing you like this does to me?” Camila pinches Lilith’s aching nipple between finger and thumb, tugs a little, watching with clear lust as Lilith arches into it.
“Camila,” Lilith sighs, frowning, hands passing anxiously up and down Camila’s arms. “It just feels like taking too much.”
Camila frowns too, surges up to press a hot, demanding kiss to Lilith’s mouth, bites at Lilith’s lower lip and swallows the tiny whine she gets in response. Camila kisses Lilith like she’s fighting her, like she’s angry. It’s demanding, and Lilith can’t do anything but go pliant beneath it, meet Camila’s tongue with her own gentle supplication, soothe Camila’s ire with soft lips and sighs.
“You are not too much. You deserve pleasure,” Camila pulls away from Lilith’s bruised lips, stares hard into Lilith’s wild eyes, “you deserve to be given the things you want.”
Lilith closes her eyes reflexively – her wanting things has only ever gotten people killed. Camila goes still above her, and Lilith knows that her bedfellow is neither blind nor stupid, has seen her bare before – but maybe not like this. Bare and needy, yes; bare and demanding, bare and seeking, but not vulnerable.
“Lily.” Camila sighs, strokes a hand up the sweep of Lilith’s neck, settles her palm warm over the curve of Lilith’s cheekbone, brushes her thumb gently over the ridge of Lilith’s brow. “Please will you look at me?” Lilith does, Lilith always wants to look at Camila. “Is it wrong that I want you, like this?”
Lilith frowns.
“No,” she hedges, knowing it's true, but still feeling the weight of years of the visceral wrongness of wanting like this. “This isn’t wrong, Cam. It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t deserve it!” She yelps, feeling it in her chest, the sick feeling of horror each time she has chased a want, fed a need, and watched it warp and twist into something terrible. “I don’t deserve this, don’t deserve you. I am a monster, Camila!”
The heat of shame and fear and ugly, ugly hatred pushes Lilith upright, forces Camila to shuffle back and away, and Lilith winces with pain and a lurching shame as the strap is pulled abruptly from her. She swings her legs over the edge of the bed, covers her face in her hands and tries to breathe. She can feel the burn of tears, can feel the burn of her muscles and the heavier burn of her cunt, aching and empty and she feels sick with it.
“Do I not get a say in whether I want to be here?” asks Camila mildly. Lilith can hear the mattress shift and settle, hears Camila’s feet hit the floor, hears the clink of buckles being undone.
Lilith’s hearing has been much sharper since she returned from the other place.
The scales lightened and fell away, and the wings have lain dormant ever since the halo closed the link between the here and There, but Lilith still sees the claws in her dreams; still feels hot blood on her hands. She’s still covered in the scars.
Camila’s light, deliberate footsteps pad around the bed, and the air shifts as she comes to stand at Lilith’s knee. A gentle hand combs through her hair.
“Lily, I know you. I saw the best and the worst of everything you hate yourself for doing.” Camila’s voice is soft, her hand is sure. “You aren’t a monster; you know a monster would not hesitate to just take and take; a monster would not be afraid of the wanting.” Lilith presses the heels of her hands to her eyes, but she lets Camila pull her head forward, lets her forehead and the backs of her hands come to rest against the warmth of Camila’s breastbone.
“I feel like one, every time.” She murmurs, eyes closed tight to the memories.
“I will tell you every time, you aren’t a monster, Lily.” Camila’s hand is firm over the vulnerable curve of Lilith’s nape. “You are just a woman. You are loved by so many people. You’ve been forgiven for all the things you hate yourself for still.”
“You shouldn’t forgive me. People died. I killed people.”
“So did I. We all did.”
“But-”
“No, if you are a monster then so am I. I killed people, with my bare hands sometimes. Are you afraid to have my hands on you?”
“No, of course not – it’s not the same!” Lilith snarls, shoulders tense. Camila splays her other hand over her back, sweeps soothing arcs like Lilith had on Camila’s own mere minutes ago.
“You’ve decided I’m not a monster,”
“It wasn’t a decision-”
“So,” continues Camila, unphased, “you must let me decide that you aren’t a monster, either. Or that, if you are a monster, then you are a monster I care deeply for.”
Lilith huffs, hearing Camila’s soft hum of contentment and knowing the other woman can see the heat flushing her ears.
“Camila…” Lilith whines, pressing her forehead more firmly to Camila’s sternum, but letting her hands drop from her eyes, settling them featherlight on Camila’s waist.
“Will you believe me, Lily?” Camila murmurs, hands still soothing over Lilith’s back. “Would you like me to prove it?”
“Prove it?” Lilith half chokes, “prove that you’re willing to ignore my hellish nature, my awful, awful actions?”
Camila has the gall to laugh.
“No, baby,” And fuck her, she knows what that does to Lilith – “let me prove that I forgave you for all that a long time ago.” And without ceremony, Camila drops neatly to her knees, nudges Lilith’s legs apart, rests warm hands on her knees and stares up with hungry eyes. “Please, Lilith.”
Lilith’s mouth goes dry, the argument she wants to be having slips away from her grasp.
“Camila, what are you doing?” Lilith asks, like an idiot. Camila rolls her eyes, shuffles closer to the edge of the bed.
“Lilith.” Camila sighs. “You aren’t that dense.”
Lilith prevaricates, her brain still desperately trying to catch up to the whiplash that has been the last few minutes. All of the syrupy warmth she’d basked in had burnt away to hot shame and horror, and now just as quickly that has been doused, and now here she sits, smouldering and surprised. Camila smiles fondly up at whatever stunned expression Lilith can feel frozen onto her face, turns her head to press a warm kiss to the inside of Lilith’s thigh, just above her knee.
Lilith’s quad jumps like she’s been electrocuted and her breath stutters with it, and Camila’s grin turns wicked.
“Don’t look at me like that, Camila.” Lilith grumbles, flushed hot all the way to her sternum. “Smugness is unbecoming"
Camila’s grin widens, and Lilith presses a hand over her eyes as she hears the joke nipping at the heels of her haughty declaration.
“Camila,” She sighs, a familiar fond exasperation.
“Yes, Lilith?” Hums Camila, smiling mouth pressed to the sensitive skin of Lilith’s inner thigh. “Can I help you?”
“This is ridiculous.” Lilith tries to snap, can hear the tremble in it even as she tries to push past the new wave of throbbing heat. “Don’t your knees hurt?”
“Not yet, and I don’t think this will take long, will it baby?” The smug bastard between her legs punctuates that galling truth by wrapping her arms under and around lilith’s shivering thighs, gripping at the crease of her hip and holding firm as she dips her head and licks a firm, hot stripe from Lilith’s aching cunt to her clit.
Lilith will not dignify the noise she makes with a description.
She’s all of a sudden on her back again, flopped backward onto the bed at the overwhelming, slick pleasure of Camila’s wicked mouth. Camila groans, a low, broken growl that Lilith feels buzz against the sensitive heat of her, whines an answer with no thought.
She’s wound one hand into Camila’s wild hair, like she has any hope of anchoring herself while Camila works between her legs. She can feel the hot press of Camila’s tongue like a brand, and her hips roll without her input, and Camila’s hands on her hip set the pace.
“That’s it, baby,” Camila gasps, cool breath making Lilith squirm – toward or away she has no idea, higher faculties completely overridden. Her abs are twitching and shaking, and she flinches as one of Camila’s hands slides up to press splayed warmth low on her belly, holding her twitching hips still. “so good, you’re close already, aren’t you?” Lilith’s legs hitch and her heels scrabble against the floor – Camila simply scoops one up and settles the crook of a knee over her shoulder.
“Camila, don’t tease,” Lilith gasps, breath gone thready and the plea high and needy – “please, Cami.”
Camila flicks her tongue and Lilith sees white, arches helplessly off the mattress. She’s babbling again, can feel the buzz of words in her throat but is too far away, wound too tight to know what she’s saying.
Camila seems to understand, though. She groans again, shifts on her knees and the next thing Lilith knows her hips are bucking up into the unforgiving press of fingers in her aching cunt. Lilith sobs with it, with the hot, twitching pressure and the burning stretch as they’re worked slowly deeper, as Camila sucks on her clit.
The world has narrowed to Camila’s name on her lips and Camila’s fingers curling and pressing inside her, the steady, damning rhythm of her tongue.
Camila drags her fingers out, presses hard to a spot that makes Lilith howl¸ drives back in with another finger – and Lilith is broken.
White hot, scalding pleasure snaps through her and she cries with it, helpless to it, feels her body twist and move without her. She’s gone, above it all, buoyed up on the shimmering heat of it all, gasping great trembling breaths into useless lungs. Her right hip is cramping, her abs are burning but the fire is still moving through her, burning her oxygen and making her dizzy.
A weight settles over her, and Lilith blinks her eyes open, stares unseeingly at the ceiling.
“Good girl, Lily, you were so good for me.” Crooning a warm litany, Camila urges Lilith’s back further onto the mattress – levers Lilith’s useless legs onto the bed and shuffles them until she is satisfied.
Lilith comes back to herself to find Camila smiling down at her, cheeks pink and an impish expression on her face.
“Stop.” Lilith gripes, hoarse and warm and fond. “Smug. Rude.”
Camila laughs, bright and beautiful.
“I’m allowed pride these days, Lily.” She grins, presses a kiss against Lilith’s smiling mouth, hums into it when Lilith’s breath catches at the taste of herself on Camila’s tongue. “You came so hard for me, so beautifully,” she punctuates the shivering praise with firm kisses, and Lilith feels full of sunlight – would roll her eyes at herself if she weren’t so blissed out. “Of course I’m smug, baby.”
Lilith huffs, folds her arms around Camila’s back, settles the smaller woman against her in the way she craves.
“So,” Camila begins, after a long, warm silence; the buzz of her words settling in Lilith’s ribs. “Can we agree that you’ve been forgiven yet, or do you need more proof?”
There is another moment of quiet, then a yelp, followed by a great clatter.
From the floor, Camila’s laughter fills the room. Lilith smiles.
Yes, the first time really was an accident, but it was the best damn accident she’s ever had.