Chapter Text
Kim really likes this new thing with Chay, so much he struggles not to be a bit weird about it. He had not realized he could be so into being bossed around.
It might be passing from something he likes to something he even needs, but Kim isn't sure how to quantify that. Chay's coming over tonight to do stuff to him and Kim can't fucking wait. He's had the week from hell and like everything else that hurts him, he let it go on until he couldn't stand it and then two days longer.
Now that Kim and Chay are together and things are settled, Kim feels so many things. He feels safe and secure. He feels happy and excited. Sometimes he even feels loved.
But that means he feels all the bad things too. When he worries, it's more than a vague tightness in his chest. When he's sad, it almost drowns him. He even feels his aches and pains more. He broke a toe a few months ago and it made it hurt to walk, which had never happened previously.
He's been feeling so much. He needs that sense of peace Chay gives him with rope and a paddle. He needs to let go. He needs to be taken ca…
He… yeah, he needs tonight.
Chay has texted instructions and one of them is to meditate for a few minutes before taking his shower. Kim sits down on the couch and…
"P'Kim," Chay says, and Kim feels fingers in his hair. "Did you mean to fall asleep?"
"Mm," Kim answers. Chay is petting him like a cat. It's nice. Finally something nice is going to happen to him. "Nn."
"Are you still up for tonight, or do you want to have a nap together?"
"I wanna," Kim mumbles, and forces himself awake. "Gon' shower."
“I’m waiting,” Chay says, smiling and Kim feels both a rush of anticipation and a lurch of guilt. He didn’t mean to fall asleep and make Chay wait. He really wants (needs) to be good tonight, and this isn’t an auspicious start.
Chay's been into tying Kim up recently. Kim didn't think he'd like it very much, but he does. There's something about having all of Chay's attention on him while he tests tension and forms knots, the pressure, the feeling of the rope trailing over his skin… It's much sexier than underwater escape training.
"You still into what we talked about?" Chay asks, when Kim comes back. He's got everything set up, the ropes, the pillow he bought for Kim to kneel on. "The harder one?"
"Mmhmm," Kim agrees. "Yes, go ahead."
"Do you want to stretch first?" Chay asks. Kim was supposed to have stretched before Chay got here. He was supposed to be all ready.
"I'm loose from the shower," Kim says, and rolls his shoulders down with barely any crunching. He lets his towel slip off.
"You're sure," Chay says, but he's already picking up the rope.
"I'm sure,” Kim says, and drops to his knees on his cushion. He’ll make it up to Chay once he’s all tied up.
He likes just being a body, a mannequin Chay is dressing. Chay brings his hands together behind his back and Kim shivers.
"Cold?" Chay asks. Kim shakes his head and grunts no. “Words,” Chay reminds him, and nips the back of his neck, following it with a kiss.
“M good,” Kim mumbles. Chay starts to wrap loops around his wrists - Kim’s watched him do this and he can never quite follow. It feels like magic.
Something about the process of being tied up makes Kim feel a little swimmy, like he’s come up from the pool after holding his breath for the full three minutes and is taking a big gulp of air. Sometimes when he's tied up, Chay hits him and it feels electric, sparks running up and down under his skin. Sometimes they fuck, Kim’s hands over his head to keep them out of the way, and it’s so intense, not having to be in control, just letting Chay do what he wants.
And sometimes, he just kneels on his pillow by Chay’s feet. Kim’s not really sure what’s in it for Chay, but yeah, he’s a little weird about it. He loves it.
Chay’s going up his arms, creating loops above and below Kim’s elbows. It pulls Kim’s shoulders back and his chest forward, and he ducks his head, blushing self-consciously. Chay must notice the heat on his skin because he ducks forward and kisses Kim’s neck again, his hands coming forward to tweak Kim’s nipples.
“You look good,” Chay says, and his voice makes Kim shiver. “I want to admire you. Okay?”
“Okay,” Kim mumbles, and straightens up, letting Chay pull his elbows almost together behind his back.
It’s more of a stretch than he anticipated, but it still feels good with Chay’s hands brushing over his skin. Chay finishes, criss-crossing over Kim’s chest, and doing something fiddly behind his back, between his arms. “Can I take a picture?” Chay asks.
“Sure,” Kim slurs. His shoulders are a little tight, but he feels so good. He’s floating.
“You’re fidgeting,” Chay says sternly. “Hold still.”
Kim does, but it’s a lot harder than usual. He feels like when he gets too deep into a stretch and P’Chan brings him a block or a bolster or something, but Chay’s not P’Chan and no bolster is forthcoming. Still, he feels vaguely ashamed of himself that Chay has to remind him of such a small thing. He’s supposed to be good at this.
The stretch and the prickle of embarrassment make it hard to settle into his usual headspace, where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. Chay gets up to sit on the couch and Kim shifts, trying to find a better angle, but he can't. That's fine, he'll just -
He makes himself still for a minute when Chay starts carding through his hair. For a few seconds, it all feels good, and then -
"P'Kim, stop fidgeting," Chay says sternly. "Hold still."
Kim nods, feeling like he's in trouble. This was supposed to be his reward for getting through a horrible week of meetings for his (now-postponed) new album and he can't even kneel properly. He's disappointing Chay. If Chay is disappointed… it could be bad.
He makes himself hold still. He can do this. He's done underwater escape training and Chan has him do reps to failure all the time, and…
Long minutes tick by. Kim's shoulders are starting to scream. But he can do this, he can do anything, as long as Chay isn't mad at him. He can't handle disappointing anyone else this week.
It's hard to hide the effort, though. He's starting to sweat and it's difficult to breathe normally. He’s not really processing thoughts anymore, just sensations of tightness and feelings of fear to breathe through. He has to do good at this.
"P'Kim," Chay says and Kim locks everything up tight so he won't move accidentally. "You okay?"
"Mm," Kim says. His arms are burning. If this was a workout he’d put the weights down. He’s past his limit.
"Color?"
Kim reaches for a word and realizes he doesn’t have one. He’s still… He has to… It’s important that he…
Chay slides down to kneel in front of him and slips his hand into Kim’s. “Can you give me a squeeze?” he asks, and his voice isn’t so stern.
“Mm,” Kim says, and squeezes twice to say slow down. That’s… He…
“Can you tell me what’s too much?” Chay asks, already reaching for the knot.
Kim nods, and then realizes he has to do words. “Tight,” he finally says, and his voice is raspy. “Too tight.”
"Sure, okay," Chay says. "Let me…"
He starts working at the knot more earnestly. Kim assumes he has permission to move again because he cannot hold still, not for another second. He pulls his hands apart like he would in the pool and -
Nothing. He can't get any leverage with his elbows tied. He's stuck like this. Before, he always knew he could free himself if he needed to.
Suddenly it's too much to take, even with Chay's patient attention to the knot. "... I need out," Kim says, and forces himself not to thrash. He feels… claustrophobic, but he doesn’t get claustrophobic. His chest feels all tight, like someone is standing on his ribs. What if Chay leaves him like this?
He yanks at the ropes, nearly falling off his cushion, which scares him worse. He can’t do this anymore. The terror is overpowering the hot sense of shame he feels for not even being able to kneel properly.
"Okay, okay," Chay says, and grabs the safety scissors from the floor next to him. Kim feels himself shaking. "Hold still."
Kim tries as much as he can not to move but he’s trembling hard. The scissors get caught in the rope for a second and he feels like he might cry. "Chay, I need out," he says again and his voice sounds all weird and compressed.
"I'm trying," Chay says, and he sounds a little panicked. Kim's brain goes white with static. He's naked on the living room floor and Chay can’t get him loose and he can't take it anymore and -
Finally his elbows come loose and the rest of the rope comes far enough apart that he can rip his hands free. His shoulder is complaining loudly and he can't bear to look Chay in the eye in case he's angry, and…
There’s too many windows. People can see him. People will know he’s not good.
Kim staggers to his feet and heads for safety, ignoring the noise Chay makes as he goes. He just needs, he needs…
He hides in the back of the walk-in closet under his longer coats where he’ll be hard to see. He feels like he's killed someone. Someone he likes, even. His shoulder is on fire and -
He didn't do what Chay asked. He's so ashamed of himself for not listening. How can Chay love him if he can't even hold still properly? Chay will probably leave and go home now. Kim curls up over his knees and sobs, like a stupid little baby.
After a minute, the door opens. "P'Kim?" Chay asks, and slides down on top of the shoes with him. "Are you okay? What’s wrong? Does your shoulder hurt? Does -"
Chay’s asking him a whole bunch more questions and Kim can’t get them straight in his head, let alone answer. He can’t even find the words to say no, slow down. Chay was very clear, Kim has to use words or they’ll break up. The elephant on chest feeling increases to an unbearable point and Kim shoves himself back into the corner of the closet and hides his face. He doesn’t want Chay to go but he can’t…
All that’s coming out of him is whimpery sobs. Chay is quiet for a minute and Kim can’t bring himself to look up and see if he’s left. He just cries like a stupid fucking toddler.
“P’Kim,” Chay says, and he still sounds upset. Kim is horrible, he’s the worst person who ever lived. “You’re bleeding a little, so I’m going to touch your arm, just to look. Here I go, it’s okay.”
Chay pulls his arm away from his face, but Kim doesn’t want that, so the rest of Kim goes with it, forward into Chay’s lap.
“Oh,” Chay says. “Is - I’ll look in a second, come here.” Kim isn’t sure where but Chay pulls him close and Kim gets the idea. He tucks his face in against Chay’s sweaty armpit and closes his eyes. “It’s okay. We’re both okay. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
There’s a second where Kim starts to feel better, and then all the shame and embarrassment rushes back in. He freaked out over kneeling on a pillow. Kim has literally been tortured and he freaked out because he got a little more of a stretch than he likes. Pathetic, just…
“That went really badly,” Chay says, and Kim flinches like Chay slapped him. “I meant on my end! You did really good, you safeworded, you let me cut you lose. Don’t - not you, phi.”
That’s like a droplet of water on the fire of Kim’s angst, but it does help. “M’okay,” Kim mumbles, and forces himself to get up when Chay stands. “Sorry.”
He makes himself let Chay take him back to the bedroom, even though he still wants to be in the closet where no one can see him. Chay goes to get the first aid kit from the bathroom, and it takes all the air out of the room with him. The shadows on the walls get longer and darker and Kim digs his fingers into his thighs to keep from running into the bathroom after Chay.
Kim’s never felt like this before, except maybe after missions. His whole body is screaming at him that he’s in danger, and he can’t just turn it off like he used to.
Until today, messing around with Chay has always been a good thing. Kim is used to everything hurting. He’s used to tuning pain out, but when the pain is a pleasant ache from Chay spanking him, it’s okay to think about.
It’s been helping with some other stuff. He stops training when he feels a bad pain instead of powering through. He’s no longer sucking down protein shakes when the alarm on his phone goes off. He gets hungry now. He gets hungry for specific foods.
But now he can’t turn off feelings, and he really needs them to go away for a while because Kim can’t handle this. He’s shivering again. He needs -
Chay comes out of the bathroom and that makes it less worse. He’s very careful cleaning the rope burn on Kim’s biceps and forearms and the sting helps anchor Kim against the bad pain in his shoulder. “Do you want your heating pad?” Chay asks, still looking upset.
Kim nods. Chay has mentioned that it’s nice if he asks for a couple of things after they do this, so Chay can feel like he does something other than hurt Kim. “Ghibli,” Kim croaks and realizes that doesn’t make much sense when Chay looks up at him, confused.
“Oh!” Chay says. “ Howl or Spirited Away?”
“Howl,” Kim says, because it’s just one syllable. It doesn’t matter which one. Kinn used to watch them after their mother died, and Kim would crawl onto the couch with him and lean on him while they watched. Ghibli is good because it’s not too happy. There are lots of sad and scary parts.
“Sure,” Chay says, and gets Kim set up in a nest of blankets with a heating pad on his shoulder. He holds Kim but he’s tense and he doesn’t look happy.
Kim did this. Kim upset Chay. He needs to fix it but he doesn't know how.
“Sorry,” he croaks. “Sorry.”
“We’ll talk in the morning, okay?” Chay says, and pulls Kim between his legs where Kim can’t see Chay’s grim face. Somehow Kim manages to fall asleep like that, tucked as close to Chay as he can get.
He feels recomposed the next morning, less like he’s dropping vital pieces of himself all over the sheets. There’s a brief moment of panic when he realizes Chay’s not in bed with him, but the sound of the coffee machine brings him out of it.
It’s better but still awful. The label hated his new album. Kinn stood him up for their Tankhun-enforced brother time. And then he failed so badly at kneeling that he almost made Chay cry. He has no idea what happened and no idea how to explain it to Chay.
Chay comes back into bed with two cups of coffee and sets them on the bedside table. Kim closes his eyes and wonders how long he can get away with pretending to be asleep.
“I know you’re awake,” Chay says, winding himself around Kim’s back. He doesn’t start interrogating Kim. Instead, he hunts one-handed for the otter plush he bought Kim at the aquarium last year. Chay isn’t supposed to know Kim sleeps with it sometimes, when Chay’s not around. Kim should probably push it back into its hiding spot under the decorative pillows, but it’s comforting to hold onto and he still feels so bad.
“Aren’t we going to talk?” Kim asks, braced for the onslaught of questions from last night. He already feels his throat getting tight.
“Mm,” Chay says, his lips buzzing against Kim’s hair. “When you’re ready. Maybe that won’t be for a while. Maybe this afternoon, maybe tomorrow.”
He rubs a slow circle against Kim’s belly and Kim relaxes. This feels nice and he’s been given a reprieve. He doesn’t need to freak out.
“Are you mad at me?” he asks, after a couple minutes of this treatment. They can talk a little. Address the most important points. “I’m sorry.”
“Hmm,” Chay says. “No. After you fell asleep last night, I started getting grumpy with you and then I reread our texts this week and realized I made a lot of assumptions. You told me on Wednesday your day was “not so good” and then you’ve basically just sent me pictures of trees and your water bottle since, and I kind of assumed that meant you were better, but…”
“My week was really bad,” Kim whispers, and his throat closes up.
“They didn’t like the album?” Chay asks, which means Kim doesn’t have to say it. He nods and squeezes his otter closer. “That really sucks, P’Kim, I’m sorry.”
Kim nods again. When he was nine and not talking, Papa paid for so many different psychologists and psychiatrists to come see him and fix him. Kim hated it.
There was one lady who was nice. She asked Kim if he had a toy he wanted to hold and when he shook his head no, she offered him a big giraffe from her bag. She didn't bother with the report Papa's assistant prepared but asked Kim some nod or shake questions and talked to P'Chan for a long time while Kim cuddled the giraffe. Kim missed his stuffed animals but neither of his brothers thought to tuck him in with one and he didn’t know where they’d gone or how to get more.
"This is very normal," the lady told Chan, and Kim felt something inside him quiet. "When a child experiences a catastrophic event, they find their own ways to cope and to grieve. There's nothing wrong with Kim. He'll talk when he's ready."
Of course, she wasn't invited back, but it seemed like a weight off P'Chan. "You'll talk when you're ready," he kept telling Kim, and it took some of the pressure away.
Kim feels like that now. He doesn't know how to say to Chay that being pushed to talk throws him back into being a traumatized nine year-old. He relied on Kinn and Khun to interpret for him all those years ago and Kinn was always the best at it, and now he doesn’t have Kinn.
Chay hesitates. “P’Khun told me P’Kinn didn’t come to coffee,” he says, and Kim nods. “I thought if you were upset about it, you’d ask me to come over, but...”
Kim shrugs again. He was so upset, and he did want Chay, but… “I wasn’t ready to talk about it,” he mumbles. If Chay came over, it would have been a conversation, Kim knows it.
Chay hums and holds him closer. Kim doesn’t feel like talking anymore. He takes a deep breath and holds the otter closer, trying to calm himself down. The softness is grounding, like it is in the middle of the night when he wakes up from a bad dream and Chay’s not there, but it’s simultaneously shameful that he’s a man in his twenties who needs to hold a stuffed otter and hide his face to say he had a bad day.
“We should talk about that, too,” Chay says, eventually. “But not right now. You hungry?”
Chay makes him eggs and Kim pokes at them. He should be hungry, but his shoulder injury seems to be messing with his digestion.
“I’m just asking this because I think it might be something you want,” Chay says, eating his own eggs while Kim stares at the ketchup smiley-face on his plate. “Should I take off for a bit? Give you some time to get your head back together? I’m not saying this because I’m mad at you, and I was planning to spend the day, but…”
Kim really doesn't want him to leave but the feeling that Chay's next breath will come with a request to talk about things is messing with Kim's head. Usually after they do this he just has to say things were great. He's not even sure if Chay knows about the whole non-verbal thing, it's not Kim's favourite thing to tell people about.
“I might go back to the tower and see P’Chan about my shoulder if that's what you're thinking,” Kim agrees, finally taking a tiny bite of his eggs. He pretends he’s chewing as he works his jaw. “You’ll sleep over tonight? You won’t…”
“I’ll come back, I promise,” Chay says, and hooks Kim’s barstool with his foot to pull him close so he can hang all over him while he eats. Kim finally feels like he can swallow his cooling eggs.