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Kaveh always smelled like padisarahs.
It could be because of his shampoo or because of the fact that he loved being surrounded by these flowers.
He liked getting them as a gift as well as giving them to other people.
The old lady in the Grand Bazaar.
The lonely little girl playing by herself in the city.
Kaveh did never forget to leave one flower in Alhaitham’s room.
Padisarahs were everywhere.
In Kaveh’s hair.
In the kitchen – vase standing on the counter always had several flowers in it.
In the small garden Kaveh liked to take care of.
Alhaitham could not help but associate these flowers with Kaveh.
Everytime he saw the subtle purple petals, he could hear Kaveh’s voice ringing in his ears.
He could feel the blonde’s hands on his skin. Haitham would never admit to pretending to sleep just to see what Kaveh would do. And he would simply cover Haitham’s body with his own cape while carefully taking the book the scribe was holding away from his hands. Then, Haitham would feel his head being slightly moved, soft pillow would soon take his place between hard desk wood and the scribe’s cheek. Then Haitham would hear quiet „Night.” and the warmth of Kaveh’s hand resting on Haitham’s nape would disappear soon after. Sometimes Haitham wondered what would happen if he simply just cracked his eyes open and told Kaveh to stay and sleep with him. He wanted to place his hand on Kaveh’s nape as well. He wanted to pull him closer and let him rest his head against his chest or in the crook of his neck. He wanted to plant a soft, tender kiss on the crown of his head. Haitham wanted to hug him close and tell him all the things he is not able to do. Haitham is bad at words, always had been.
Haitham regretted these harsh words he would say years ago. All he felt was shame. And guilt. He could not forgive himself treating Kaveh like a bag of trash. Haitham tried to make the sight of Kaveh’s teary eyes disappear from his brain. It haunted him. Haitham would do anything to turn back time. He did not mean any of the things he said. He never thought of Kaveh as of a failure. And the worst thing is that he never got to apologise for that day, even after their reunion. Kaveh would pretend he did not hear these words from Alhaitham and Haitham would pretend he never said them in the first place.
Kaveh’s faint touch when he thought Alhaitham did not feel it, left imprints on Haitham’s skin. The touch did not burn. It felt heavenly. Like something holy, sacred. And felt like something that Haitham did not deserve.
Kaveh smelled like padisarahs and soon after him moving in to Haitham’s house, said house smelled like padisarahs as well.
It was a nice, pleasurable smell. Something soft. Something Haitham would die to smell everytime he was away from home. Away from Kaveh.
_______________________________
Even covered in blood, Kaveh still smelled like padisarahs.
The liquid stained his clothes and soaked into his white shirt. It stained Haitham’s clothes as well but the scribe did not care.
All that was important to him, was to try and shake Kaveh away from his sleep.
„Hey, it’s not time for this-‘’
Trembling hand brushed against Kaveh’s pale cheek.
„Please, just open your eyes, let’s get up and you can sleep at home, okay?”
Alhaitham felt his body start to shake with panic slowly rising in his blood.
„Kaveh- Kaveh, no, pleasepleaseplease-‘’
Kaveh just needed to wake up and everything would be okay. He just needed to move his already opened, unmoving eyes. He just needed to take a breath and cough up all the blood pooling in his mouth. He just needed to get back home, get himself patched up and he would be ready for another round of playful bickering and taking care of Haitham who only pretended to sleep.
„Please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything, I know I was cruel, but please stop with this joke and let’s just head home-‘’
Haitham started to shake his body a bit, noticing how limp it felt in his arms. Just as like Kaveh was a doll. Haitham’s eyes widened at the realisation. He pressed his ear right to the blonde’s chest and choked on his own breath.
„No.. NononoNONO!-‘’
He started to shake him more, Kaveh’s head falling back and forth, blood leaking out of his mouth. Haitham lifted his head and craddled it gently in his hands. He looked desperately for any sign of life on Kaveh’s features but found nothing. He brushed the blood trickling from his lips and smeared it on his cheek.
„No, no, no, I will do anything- Kaveh, please, no-‘’
Haitham felt helpless. There was nothing he could do. He screamed on the top of his lungs, hugging the blonde close to his chest. It’s okay – he thought. All he had to do was to wake up from the nightmare he was in right now. Alhaitham blinked once, twice and pinched his own hand. He did not wake up in his cozy room. Instead, he still was kneeling on the grass stained with the blood of the love of his life. The love of his life, who Haitham did not even confess to. The love of his life, who took his final breath still believing that Haitham once considered him a failure.
Haitham was holding Kaveh’s lifeless body close to his own. His own death was a matter of time. Something inside him was already dead. He caressed Kaveh’s soft hair and rocked his body back and forth, as like he was trying to lull him to sleep. Haitham pressed his cheek to Kaveh’s head.
Kaveh smelled like padisarahs.