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Nightmares were cruel. They were made to scare and make you feel terrible. They made you cry and want to curl up in a ball, away from the whole world.
Merlin had nightmares. Of course he did, they came with the job after all. There were a lot of them, all terrible in their own ways.
Sometimes, he’s forgotten. His friends, Arthur, don’t recognize him and no matter how hard he tries to convince them, they don’t listen.
Sometimes, he would see his friends die. Whether it was Gaius and Lancelot who died because they would refuse to give up his identity or Gwen because she got caught in the crossfire of a battle or even the knights dying during a battle they’re fighting. It all left Merlin afraid for them.
Sometimes, he would get caught using magic and be sentenced to death. In these nightmares, Uther would order the arrest and Arthur wouldn’t do anything to stop it, wouldn’t even make a sound, just watch as Merlin was tied to the pyre to be burned, or made to kneel before getting his head chopped, or any other horrible execution. It always hurt seeing the hate and disgust in dream Arthur's eyes. To see that he was truly nothing more than a servant.
But the worst ones, the ones that plague Merlin’s mind and leave him afraid to fall asleep or to take his eyes off Arthur, are the ones where Arthur dies. He could be fatally wounded in any way, but he always, always took his last breath in Merlin’s arms. It went like this, Arthur would be in battle or strolling through the woods, and then a creature or a sorcerer or an opposing knight would land a hit. Now the cause of the wound, or even where the hit landed, didn’t matter, only that Merlin was never fast enough or powerful enough to stop it. He would try to save him, he would hold on to him, and apply pressure only to get soaked in Arthur’s blood, or even expose his magic to try and heal him, but it never works. Nothing ever worked. And so, Arthur dies in Merlin’s arms.
He’d had this nightmare numerous times, more than all the other ones. It’s like his mind was preparing, but no matter how many times he had the nightmare, he wasn’t prepared for the real thing. He wasn’t prepared for how it felt when Arthur’s life drained and ended in his arms. He wasn’t prepared for life without Arthur.