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Suzanne entered the room and called everyone to dinner, indicating the places and forcing them to sit down, as soon as Ava claimed she was fine, her teary eyes lost in Beatrice. She noticed how shaken the nun was, her brown eyes were marked with purest fear, a reading that only Ava knew how to do because she lived that fear, beside Beatrice, when they were in the Alps.
All through dinner Ava's head ached, the tiny thorns on the crown never failed to prick her skin, and by now she doubted she could get used to the pain at this point.
Although meeting that woman in white, the realization of what she would need to do, what she would have to give up to complete the mission, all that emotional charge of divine duty made the pain points in her head seem like a mother's affection.
Ava looked down at her plate as her sisters ate quietly and made small talk. Suzanne looked so different without her nun clothes, smiling wider at each one of them, as if she could see them in a completely different light, as if the Halo had given her powers again.
However, even after scanning the entire table, Ava refused to look at Beatrice, choosing to play with the food on her plate instead. She was never one to refuse a good meal, but the nausea of her search inside the crown of thorns and the fear of what would happen the next day made her lose her appetite and, deep down, she knew that she would not be able to hide her fears and real feelings from Beatrice: The nun always managed to see what no one else saw, and understood Ava - often - better than herself.
The words Beatrice had said earlier still echoed in her mind and ached in her heart. We need to keep the Halo away from Adriel.
In a way, Ava thought as she speared a potato with her fork, she had found the answer to that riddle. She could imagine, if it didn't cost her her life, how Beatrice would be stunned to learn that the solution was to get closer to him.
And lose Ava’s life in the process.
Would Beatrice miss her? Would she forgive her eventually? Would she find the next one to train with? Or she'd be next?
Thoughts filled her head, and when Suzanne released them all, Warrior Nun was the first to take her plate to the sink and almost run to her room. She needed…she needed to leave things and write goodbyes. Her sisters needed to understand that she didn't want to leave . That she didn't want to sacrifice herself.
They needed to know, to be sure that, if she could, Ava would have chosen to stay with them in every possible lifetime.
As she approached the bedroom, Ava noticed that her hands were shaking slightly and a lump was forming in her throat, ready to burst into tears at any moment. She was almost there, just a little while longer and she would be safe on her pillow.
She shouldn't have been startled when she felt a hand gripping hers, calluses so familiar against the skin of her wrist. She needn't have been scared because she knew that Beatrice, analytical and silent as she was, would never let her get away without questioning.
“Ava” she said calmly so as not to startle her. “Are you alright?”
“You alredy asked that,” Ava replied, her voice cracking with sadness. She needed to pull herself together, she couldn't fall apart.
Ava felt it when Beatrice squeezed her hand lightly, a signal for her to keep listening. A sign that it was ok.
“And I know you well enough to know that you lied.”
Ava opened the door to the dark room and gently pulled Beatrice inside. The balcony doors were open and a breeze ruffled the gray curtains, making them look like ghosts and the room feel colder. Ava noticed how the moonlight entered the room, forming such different geometric shapes, simple things that she would never see again: she would never sit by a tree just to watch branches fall in autumn, never again.
Tomorrow, she would cease to exist.
She could feel Beatrice's gaze on her as she lit the two bedside lamps, the warm yellow seeming to heat up like a bonfire. Ava sat at the bed and, for the first time since she'd taken that crown off her head, she allowed herself to look deep into Beatrice's eyes and stare into the most beautiful brown orbs she'd ever seen in her life. Little personal challenge from her.
Beatrice clasped her hands in front of her, as if she was holding back the urge to sit next to Ava.
“What’s wrong? You haven't said anything since we left."
Ava took a deep breath. She didn't like lying to anyone and she just hated hiding things from Beatrice. She seemed to have a natural talent for figuring things out.
“I just… searched for answers. We need a backup plan in case things… don’t go as we planned tomorrow.”
Beatrice shook her head and crossed her arms below the line of her breasts, pacing back and forth, seeming to organize her thoughts and hold on to what she really wanted to say. The habit swayed slightly in the cool breeze, framing her stiff shoulders
She was an angel on earth. Ava knew that. Ava would miss that.
“Bea-”
"We haven't even left and you're already predicting the worst" Beatrice replied, stopping to look into her eyes. “We prepare and study, everything will be fine.”
“We said that last time,” Ava argued, resting her sweaty hands on her thighs, over her jeans. “Look where we ended up.”
“It was different!”
Ava got out of bed, they were almost face to face.
“No, Bea. It was not. Adriel had the upper hand every time, we walked right into his traps!”
“Ava-”
“And in one of those, we lost Mary!”
Beatrice took a risky step and entered Ava's personal space, just like she used to do when they were at the bar in the Alps. The youngest could feel the desperation coming from the nun, almost as if her body was screaming for comfort, for certainty that they would come out alive and well from all of this.
Ava's chest tightened.
"We're ready, we're going to destroy-"
“Beatrice…”
"No, you're hiding something from me, I can feel it." Beatrice approached. “With Michael, why did you go to him when we had Adriel?”
“We were trying to imprison him, Bea.”
The nun took another step forward. Her long lost hands at her sides as she gestured in such rage and frustration.
“I said, I know exactly when you're lying.”
“Listen” Ava tried.
“Tell me the bloody truth , Ava. What’s going on?!”
Ava smiled sadly, her eyes watering as her head fell to the side, as if she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have Beatrice, as if she couldn't bear to tell her. Ava took a step forward, the words spilling out of her mouth with the certainty that she would hurt the woman who mattered most in the world.
“I'm keeping the halo away from Adriel. This is what we need to do, right?”
She saw - and felt - the moment her words hit Beatrice hard, right in the middle of the chest. The nun let out a wheezy breath and closed her eyes, turning her head towards the window. A tear fall down her cheek.
"I'm sorry." Beatrice looked at Ava, red eyes that carried stars. "Please tell me. Tell me what's going on, let me help.”
Ava never stopped to reflect on love. Of course, she'd seen enough movies to know that he was usually a slow, gradual build up of a cliff. There were minutes, days and hours of exchanged smiles, confided kisses, heated hugs and a heart beating like a drum. She knew it took time to build a love that would last a lifetime, an eternal cliff between two hearts, and when the little girl looked at the good guy and ran into his arms, or when the good guy caught the last cab to find the good girl waiting for him in the airport lounge, both were handed to each other.
They belonged to each other, and they chose to jump together from the cliff they had built. However, the movies did not tell her that time is relative.
Ava knew that now, as she looked at the desperate woman in front of her. She could feel that she was standing on the precipice of a cliff that she had built herself since she sat next to Beatrice in Cat's Cradle.
Ava took a step forward. A little closer to the edge.
“Beatrice, I…”
Beatrice walked over and took Ava's hands. She was hot, like a volcano trying to contain an eruption of pure fear. Ava could see her labored breathing, the way her eyes moved up and down, from her hands, to her eyes, to her lips, to her body and back to her hands, as if Beatrice wanted to memorize it perfectly.
Was she close to falling too?
“I can't watch you die, Ava. Please, please. ”
Ava didn't know if she would jump in alone, but now, looking into Beatrice's eyes, seeing another tear fall, she found that she didn't care. She would accept the consequences of loving her.
Ava released her hands from Beatrice's grasp and placed them beside the nun's face, her fingers stroking her cheeks, feeling the skin warm and moist. The fabric of her habit tickling his fingers.
“I can't watch you die either, Bea” Beatrice closed her eyes tightly, covering Ava's hands with her own.
And that’s why I'm doing this .
“I’m scared.” Beatrice confessed.
Ava took a step forward.
“I know.” she replied. Beatrice smelled like mint tea, autumn afternoons and happiness.
Blessed are the brave who love without fear, for theirs will be eternity in the heart of the chosen soul.
The space between them is gone. There were no more paths to follow, and when Ava purposely pressed herself against Beatrice, daring to walk the impossible with her eyes closed, she went to press her lips against Beatrice’s in a chaste kiss.
Ava could feel how Beatrice went rigid, how she held her breath so hard and looked like she couldn't believe what she was just happening, her hands limb by her side.
I threw myself. Will you fall with me?
Suddenly, Ava was afraid. Afraid of having misunderstood and crossed the lines that Beatrice had so carefully cultivated to keep herself sane. Realizing that, for her, everything they lived in the Alps were nothing more than memories of training. A must.
She decided not to linger on that doubt and began to lean back, her lips sliding lightly.
Only to be taken aback by Beatrice's right arm around her waist, pulling her close, with her other hand on the side of her neck, the nun kissing her again, harder, as if she could fuse them together.
Ava gasped along with Beatrice as she brought her hands to the back of the nun's neck, pulling her close, the robe running down her head. Ava noticed that a tear trickled down her cheek.
They cried together. In free fall.
[...]
There was magic in surrendering and throwing yourself in without reservations, feeling the freedom that only courage can provide. Marked by fear and doubt, by certainty and anxiety, Ava felt her heart warm against her chest, the way it beat in time with Beatrice's touches.
The icy wind was at her back and the smell of rain filled the room as she pulled away from Beatrice. The nun had red lips, brown eyes gleaming in pure gold, skin bristling and uneven. Little strands escaped her habit, framing an angelic face that looked at her with doubt, anticipation and fear of the unknown.
Ava licked her lips, feeling Beatrice's hands move up her side, resting against her ribs. A shiver ran down her spine as the taller one pulled her against, her fingers making delicious pressure against her skin.
Beatrice kissed her hard, tongue asking for passage, anxious somehow, as if she couldn't believe she had the chance to do this, as if she dreamed about it every day.
Ava kissed her hard, her hands sliding down the nun's clothing, squeezing the blue fabric between her fingers. The strong breeze hit again, the rhythm of the kiss quickened and Ava pushed Beatrice because she urgently needed to catch herself before the fall swallowed her alive.
Between the warm comfort and the rainy chaos, they discovered exactly how they built that cliff from which they flew, and they knew exactly why their hearts beat together like madmen who found each other after much searching.
Beatrice ended up propped up against the bookshelf next to the window, her back aching as Ava explored, running her hands down the fabric as if she could tear it with her nails. Ava wanted to kiss her more. She wanted her to love more, with so much force to make the world go away.
Beatrice cupped the back of Ava's neck, timid fingers stroking the area as they parted, Ava feeling the heat threatening to take away her sanity, sweat soaking her palms.
“Ava…”
"No."
"Ava, please. " she begged, her hands running down Ava's arms.
" I love you " Ava replied in nothing more than a shared whisper between them. " I love you ."
Beatrice froze. The so curious hands were now still, and Ava knew she was analyzing and calculating, trying to understand what the scenario was, what the odds were, what she needed to do, how to prepare.
Ava leaned in and kissed her slowly, wet lips sliding together, like a vain attempt to soothe her, to tell her it was all right. Beatrice whirled around, cornering Ava against the bookshelf, pure sister warrior instinct kicking in with her grip on the situation.
She was shaking so badly, her fingers were cold.
She deepened the kiss and Ava moaned, the sound escaping her mouth and being swallowed by Beatrice's lips, who couldn't seem to get enough.
When they broke away, breasts rising and falling in unison, Beatrice left her hands beside Ava's head, resting on the shelf. The knuckles white from the strength with which she gripped the wood.
“Bea-”
"I, I don't… I can't I…I… " she stammered. It was the first time she'd looked truly lost in a place she'd never been before: between slender arms and a heart that belonged to the woman she'd dreamed of every night for two months.
Ava stroked the back of her neck again, the habit about to fall off.
“It's okay, Beatrice. I'm sorry I step out of-” Beatrice kissed her again, briefly. " Oh… "
Beatrice rested her forehead against Ava's, both eyes closed.
“Am I…” fingers trailing down the shelf. “dreaming? Is…” hands running up Ava's ribs. " Is this real? "
The hope in Beatrice's voice broke Ava's heart into a thousand pieces. In that room on the brink of death, for the first time in her life, she felt true love. She felt loved, wanted, consumed by something even the greatest poet could not understand.
For the time she had left, she vowed to God that she would give it all, surrender all that she was, all that she is and all that could have been into Beatrice's hands.
Ava didn't respond right away. She chose to kiss Beatrice instead.
“I love you, Beatrice.”
Beatrice looked at her as the faithful look at the sky: as if all the salvation in the world resided in her. Beatrice smiled slightly, the corners of her lips curling.
"Aren't you going to say it back?" Ava asked, a little amused and terrified at the answer she would get. “You know you need to-”
Beatrice kissed her again, and in a move of pure devotion, a choice she could never return from, Beatrice pulled her habit off her head and threw it to the floor, letting her hair fall free over her shoulders and back. She held Ava's face tenderly and carefully, as if she held the rarest jewel in the world, and when she pulled away again, she kissed her nose.
“ I love you, Ava Silva. ” Beatrice answered, pressing her body against her beloved, foreheads together again. “ I loved you ever since, I'll love you until. ”
Ava smiled. That was a fall worth taking. She could leave in peace.
She grabbed the collar of Beatrice's shirt, her fingers trailing toward the zipper with as many different intentions as she could imagine. She felt Beatrice's hands pushing her tank top out of her pants, her fingers brushing against the skin of her back.
" Come here ." Ava demanded with an amused smile, a happy heart and a sad mind.
[...]
Hands and lips knowing every centimeter, clothes falling in the anxiety for more: Gradually that room of yellow light was replaced by only the pale glow of the moon and the sound of rain cradling laughter, groans and confessions of love.
Beatrice's hair was spread out like a painting on the white pillow, the freckles that Ava loved to look at were glistening with the sweat on her skin, the smell of mint mingling with the scent of the peaceful rain that came from outside, as if God wanted to immortalize every detail from that moment.
As if he knew there would never be such a love.
Ava was sitting on Beatrice's lap, both of them naked and with that anticipation that only true love makes run through your veins. She slid her hands up carefully, knowing, anticipating. Her fingerprints memorized the scars from the years of training that marked Beatrice's torso, as well as the small spots that covered the woman's chest, the breasts so soft and the nipples rigid. Beatrice pressed her hands against Ava's thighs, her nails digging into the white skin, responding to touch, wanting more.
It was a masterpiece open on a white canvas marked by passion.
“God, you’re beautiful. ” Beatrice whispered.
Ava bent down slowly, her short messy hair a nest on her head, the strands bouncing back and forth as she smiled and positioned between Beatrice's legs, the sheet tickling her feet.
The Warrior Nun held Beatrice's hands beside her head, lacing fingers against the hands that trained her, held her, cared for her. Ava kissed Beatrice with desire and lust, biting her bottom lip, pulling it between her teeth and releasing it slowly.
“And I'm all yours, my love. ” her lips moved against Beatrice's, her warm breath against her mouth sending shivers through her entire body.
She moved slowly, her sweaty body fit perfectly against Beatrice's, breasts touching shyly, nipples involuntarily stroking in a long-imagined contact.
Beatrice moaned, a sound she didn't know she could muster. Ava lost herself as she slid against the love of her life in a silent dance, in a secret of their own, in an opportunity that would never be repeated.
She moaned as Beatrice released her hold and ran her hands up her back, sliding her nails across the length of her skin. Beatrice had her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open, her skin red and streaked with sweat, she fainted with every back and forth of Ava's body against hers.
Ava felt it as Beatrice touched the Halo scar on her back, her nails tracing patterns as she moaned softly, slowly, breathing heavily and asking for more. Ava let her instinct guide her, she wanted to mark every part of Beatrice's body on hers, wanted to immortalize her forever in her pores, be part of every little piece of her.
She slid her nose into the valley of her breasts, so inviting, and let her hand grip Beatrice's right knee, lifting her leg against her waist and wedging her hips against hers.
“Oh, god. ” Ava snapped as Beatrice scratched harder as she curled her leg against Ava’s hip, urging her to continue exactly what she was doing.
Ava moved her mouth to Beatrice's neck, kissing every place her mind could find. When Beatrice rocked against her hips, matching her movements and meeting what Ava was doing, she bit down hard on the skin to hide the loud moan, a purely carnal act caused purely by love.
The Halo faintly glowed on Ava's back, tinkling as it always did, healing the nail marks left in her skin, the red streaks fading quickly and inviting Beatrice to leave more. To love more.
The heat rose in that room, and Ava couldn't tell if it was raining, if it was windy, or if the world still existed. She was seething and delirious, and all she knew was the warmth of the woman she loved beneath her, whimpering softly, asking with a look in her eyes that she give it all she could, to love her like no one else had ever loved before.
Beatrice matched the pace by wiggling against Ava. The bed creaked to the beat, a reminder that it was real, and the sheets clung to her body. Beatrice took a deep breath, gripping Ava's hair to pull her face against hers.
She couldn't tell where Ava's irises ended and where her pupils began, her eyes shining like a beautiful miracle.
“ Look at me. ”
“Oh, Bea .” Ava whimpered, her name getting lost in the pleasure.
“Don’t stop looking at me, darling. ” Beatrice invited her, setting up a challenge of black eyes and intense pleasure, and Ava found herself a happy challenger, a servant who would do anything.
Strands of Ava's hair got lost between Beatrice's fingers as she scratched the Halo Bearer’s back with her other hand. The two in a rhythm. Two in one heart. Not wanting to go but not wanting to stay either.
Making every second forever.
“ I’m clo… uhg ,” Beatrice said, her eyes lost in Ava.
Ava didn't voice a response, simply gripped Beatrice's thigh and thrust in the right rhythm, fitting into her like a perfect piece of an eternal puzzle. Looking into those gentle, mysterious eyes as they came together, Ava mustered up the courage to apologize for lying, for knowing it wouldn't last. For making such an eternal use of borrowed time.
For knowing Beatrice would never be in her arms like that again.
As Beatrice squirmed underneath her, asking for more more more , Ava let her eyes water with love. She scratched and kissed andand loved, everything she'd never been allowed to do, everything she'd never been able to feel in her own skin.
When Beatrice said I love you before pulling her into a fiery kiss of bodies softening with pleasure, Ava felt alive. Her hand was against her heart, feeling it beating hard, as Ava slid her fingers along her hip, thigh, feeling Beatrice's sweat-dampened silhouette.
Before she could kiss her, the Halo lit up again to heal her scratches, her glow a death sentence only she knew. Beatrice smiled and took her by the chin, having no idea of the thoughts, the regret, the sacrifice running through Ava's mind.
Beatrice smiled, eyes closed and features at peace. Her fingers traced the Halo Bearer's lips.
When Ava finished falling off that cliff of love built with Beatrice, there, making eternity in one night, she allowed herself to be grateful. Life, she knew now, was nothing if not in Beatrice's arms.
“Ava?” Beatrice called.
Ava didn't answer. She just looked.
And gazed.