Chapter Text
Waking to the sight of Snow and her Prince Charming’s condescending and pitying stares did little to change Regina’s mood. Though, along with the utter defeat and heartache she felt, Regina could also add that fiery rage that usually accompanied the visage of Snow White’s intolerable face. So nothing new then. Regina felt similar to before Greg – Owen - had captured and tortured her, only now her body ached in the aftermath of the intense electric shocks she had been subjected to and the giant hole she had dug for herself was that much deeper.
Because of course they all knew now of her plan to leave Storybrooke to its fate and activate the Trigger herself; that she’d been planning on running away with Henry. Regina wondered idly whether they would execute her now, but then why save her to begin with? Ugh, because they’re idiots, she reminded herself, lifting her arm in surprise when she noticed the welcoming spark of her magic coursing through her body in reaction to her coiling emotions. She frowned at the empty wrist that greeted her, where the magic blocking bracelet had once been.
“Emma took it off.” Snow supplied in answer, a displeased scowl lining her features.
As if sensing the twist in Regina’s gut and the painful constricting in her chest, the blonde Saviour chose that moment to enter the room with Henry. Regina had just managed to sit upright when her son ran over and gave her a warm hug. Regina’s eyes burned at the gesture, watering slightly as she dipped her nose into his hair and inhaled a shuddering breath. As if pulled by a magnetic force, she looked up at Emma who instantly looked away from the scene as though it physically pained her to witness it.
Of course it did, Regina had to begrudgingly admit. She was going to take Henry away from Emma. Well considering that they had been planning to do the exact same thing to her with those magic beans, that’s exactly what the blonde would think. But Regina would never have left Emma behind. She would’ve found a way for the insufferable woman to go with them. Willingly or not. That’s what the Love Potion had been for… But the blonde definitely didn’t need to know that.
She watched as David walked over to his daughter and gave her a comforting hug. They murmured softly to each other till Emma was close to tears and then Regina remembered: Neal was dead. Emma hadn’t seen fit to personally save her this time, because instead she’d been off frolicking around with Neal. Which left freeing Regina in the hands of Snow, who had clearly only been trying to assuage her guilt at murdering Cora more than actually wanting to do the right thing.
The familiar jealously flared up to take it’s place amongst the storm of emotions tormenting Regina’s soul. For a while she’d thought that Emma would come around, that the attraction they shared wasn’t all in her head. But then Emma had just taken off with Henry to New York and returned with her long lost True Love, who just so happened to be Henry’s father.
And it was Regina’s fault that Neal was dead, wasn’t it? Regina had murdered Owen – Greg -’s father. If it hadn’t been for her actions, Greg wouldn’t have sought out vengeance and Neal would still be alive. Emma didn’t say it, but Regina could see the accusation and hurt in that emerald gaze when they briefly glanced toward her again. And on top of it all, Regina had planned on taking Henry away and leaving Emma’s friends and family to die in Storybrooke. She had essentially been planning a mass murder.
If there was ever a chance of Emma forgiving her, Regina had ruined it with her insane desperation. It was only a matter of time before Henry was entirely integrated into his new family and forgot all about her; before he was poisoned against his adoptive mother. Poisoned with the truth.
When Henry finally released her, Regina stood from the bed and straightened, creating the perfect picture of health and poise. Even though every muscle in her body ached, it was a dull comparison to the pain which stabbed at her heart as Emma grimaced when her gaze inadvertently landed on the brunette again.
Regina just wanted to shout at the infuriating blonde to stop looking then if the sight of her disturbed Emma so much.
And as though the universe was just looking for ways to keep on beating her while she was down, Hook waltz in. Regina tuned out of the conversation. There had been some animosity – a punch Regina would’ve liked to deliver herself -, but she could see Hook had already been forgiven his sins. And while they planned whatever idiotic plan they had, Regina’s focus was entirely on the way Hook was leering at Emma, even as the bastard pretended to be humble and helpful.
She would’ve ripped out his heart just there, but hadn’t she hurt Emma and Henry enough?
So Regina let out a shuddering, hopefully inaudible, breath and followed Emma out of the loft when the blonde announced that she and Regina would go look for the Trigger. The Trigger that couldn’t be stopped now that it had been activated. The rumbling earthquake they’d experienced earlier had been proof of that.
Regina knew that the only reason Emma was with her in that moment and not with her family, was because she wasn’t trusted; that the blonde felt Regina needed to be babysat. Regina zoned out again, thinking of the excruciating pain she’d been subjected to for endless hours as a way to distract herself from her ever shattering heart.
“You were going to take Henry and kill everyone else in the process?”
The anger in Emma’s voice jerked Regina from her torturous meditation to see that they were already halfway down the street from the apartment. When Regina finally gathered the courage to look at Emma, she was caught off guard by the hurt and disappointment she perceived before Emma expertly hid it away to glare at the brunette.
“How many times are you gonna do this to us –to Henry?” Emma’s breath hitched slightly.
Regina had briefly gotten stuck on the ‘us’, though bristled when she realized her love for her son was being questioned yet again, but then Emma continued:
“We’ll survive this latest mess you’ve created, like we always do. But know that I’m done giving you chances, Regina.” She growled. “You say that you love Henry, but every time he trusts you, you just disappoint him. He’ll be way better off without you screwing up his life.”
Emma’s words hit Regina like a freight train on nitrous going at full speed. She didn’t think there was anything left of her any longer. But Emma had made that promise before, said that Henry was hers and that Regina needed to back off. Then, Regina had reacted to the words like she usually did to all their arguments, created a crazy plan to get what she wanted. Destroyed the beans, retrieved the Trigger… But she’d failed in her plan and now she was out of chances and options. This time seemed like the final straw for the Saviour.
Emma had always been her strongest – well only – defender. That said a lot, since the blonde hated Regina’s guts most of the time. And worse still, Emma was right. Once Henry truly grasped what Regina was contemplating on doing, he wouldn’t ever forgive her.
She’d lost him.
She’d lost any chance of ever being with Emma.
The brunette realized the exact moment she was crying when Emma’s eyes widened almost comically, probably having expected the argument that usually followed their repertoire. Regina would’ve laughed at the reaction, but she was sure she’d lost the ability to ever laugh again. Because once more she’d lost someone who she loved. Two someones at that.
And it was all her own fault.
Ever since Emma came back from the Enchanted Forest, Regina’s sanity had repeatedly been tested. She’d gloriously failed on numerous occasions because whenever Emma – purposely or inadvertently – had hurt her, it was so much worse than anything anyone else ever did. It agonized and suffocated Regina and it made her act recklessly and ruthlessly to overcompensate for her weakness, which in turn just made her actions and reactions that much worse.
Loving Emma Swan had driven her completely over the edge and it was in that moment that Regina realized that she was well past the point of no return. There would be no more forgiveness and understanding. Not anymore, not for Regina. And yet, though accepting the futility of even trying, Regina couldn’t stand the thought of Emma doubting her ability to love.
“Do you think me a fool, Miss Swan?” She shakily enquired.
The blonde’s brows knitted in confusion at the seemingly random question, but remained silent, not sure how to answer, so Regina continued. The question had been rhetorical after all.
“Do you think that I hadn’t realised the instant I decided to adopt a child from this world, that that child would grow up and notice that the town he lived in was different? That nobody, including his mother, was aging?”
Regina swallowed thickly, watching closely as Emma thought on her words.
“I had planned on telling him everything. When he was old enough to understand that I wasn’t the Evil Queen any longer.” She sniffed. “I would’ve told him how he was the one who had changed my life – my heart.”
“Regina-
- I would’ve told him when he and I were both ready to have such a conversation. But as always, my choice was taken away from me. And perhaps it wasn’t anyone in particular’s fault when he discovered the truth. Yes, that he was given the storybook started the questioning prematurely. But as I felt my boy pulling away from me, a part of me couldn’t help but be proud of him for questioning what was right and wrong. And another part was almost jealous that I had never been as brave as him, when I had been a little girl.” She tremulously smiled, unable to keep down that feeling of pride when she thought of her son.
“Regina maybe –
The brunette just cut Emma off again, needing to get everything out. She didn’t care whether Emma believed her. The blonde would probably think that she was lying to gain pity as a way to get back into Henry’s life. But for some reason Regina needed to tell her, to tell someone, to get it all off her chest.
“You know, when Henry was a baby, when I’d just gotten him, he wouldn’t stop crying.” Regina shakily continued, her voice hoarse from her heart having risen into her throat, probably trying to flee the aching in her chest. “I thought that there was something wrong with him. Medically.” Regina attempted another smile, but instead ended up looking like she wanted to throw up. “So I had Sidney track down his birth mother.” She watched the surprise flashing in those beautiful green eyes. “It hadn’t been difficult to figure out that I was holding the prophesized Saviour’s baby in my arms… I had tried to give him back then.” She managed a weary chuckle that time. “But I just couldn’t… I knew who he was and I still couldn’t give him up.” Regina shook her head at herself. “So instead I created a potion that cursed me to forget, so that I could be his mother without anything holding me back…” She leveled a steady gaze at the dumbstruck blonde, her memories of that time had returned with the breaking of the dark curse. “I knew he was the key to my whole world unraveling. But he was also the key to my happiness… In spite of everything that’s happened to me after the curse was broken. Losing him, losing Daniel again, losing my mother, god,” Regina dryly chuckled, “losing my goddamned mind…” She inhaled a shuddering breath. “In spite of all of that, I will never forget those years that he was mine.” She steadily affirmed. “So you see, Miss Swan, I may not know how to love very well. But I do love.” Regina proudly lifted her chin, though she was unable to stop the teardrops rolling down her cheeks. “And I understand that it’s difficult to love me back, because of who I am and what I’ve done. But Henry was all I had left in the world. He was all that I ever needed. And now I have nothing.”
When Emma’s stunned gaze looked to be glittering into one of pity, Regina couldn’t stand it anymore and disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.
Emma still stood gobsmacked for a while after. Not so much at what Regina had said - she knew how much Regina loved Henry in her own warped way - but the woman had practically torn her own heart out of her chest and shown it to Emma... She wondered if the show of vulnerability had been an after effect of the torture Regina had been subjected to. Snow had way too vividly described it all to Emma, even feeling it secondary had left her mother shaking for hours.
But most off all, the way Regina had looked at her had knocked the breath right out of the Saviour. She couldn’t even begin to form words during Regina’s heart wrenching speech, because even as the brunette spoke about Henry, her eyes were staring at Emma as though –
No.
Emma started hysterically laughing in the middle of the thankfully empty sidewalk. It was ridiculous. There was just no way that Regina felt anything for her… Right? Regina hated her…
Emma shook it off quickly. Yes, she admitted that Regina’s betrayal ran a lot deeper than merely disappointing Henry. That for a while she’d hoped that Regina wasn’t the woman the entire town kept on accusing her of being. But there wasn’t time to stand around getting stuck on Regina’s feelings, and especially not on her own unrelenting attraction toward the capricious brunette.
They needed to stop Greg and Tamara, and the blonde had no idea where Regina had gone to. She reached for her phone, realising that she was going to have to do this one solo, while David and Killian scoped out the cannery.
And through her planning, all Emma could hope and trust in, was that Regina knew that Henry’s life was in jeopardy, and would therefore be trying to stop this from happening too.
Regina appeared in her family mausoleum, instantly hunching over her mother’s final resting place and released the sobs she’d been fighting down ever since she’d woken in the Charming loft.
“Why can’t I ever be happy?” She cried as though her mother could answer. “Why did I have to fall in love with Emma Swan?” Her body shook in her sorrow. Out of everyone in all of the realms, Emma was probably the least likely to even think of Regina in that way.
Why did it feel so much worse than when Daniel had died?
Maybe because Daniel had actually loved her back. It had been mutual. That beautiful bastard had told her to love again and look where it had gotten her. Even though the people she loved now were very alive still, much like with her mother, nothing Regina did was ever good enough for them. Well Henry loved her in a way. But only because Regina was all he had known for the majority of his life. He didn’t know any better. Not yet.
No, Regina was going to go through with her plan. Do this one right thing for Henry and Emma. She would find Greg and take back the magic beans and then use every last bit of strength she had to slow down the Trigger long enough for that dirty Pirate to sail away to safety with Regina’s happiness. She just didn’t know how to tell Emma of the plan. Regina doubted that she’d ever be able to face the blonde again. Because surely Emma must have seen everything earlier. All her walls had been demolished and left Regina feeling like an exposed nerve in a sandstorm. Yes, Emma had definitely seen and all the blonde had managed to convey at Regina’s love for her, had been shock and then pity.
Regina couldn’t breathe it hurt so much. She clutched at her chest, praying the pain would just stop long enough so she could focus on her suicide mission. But then the brunette froze in horror when she looked down to find her fingers knuckle deep in her breastbone. In automation, she continued the motion and mechanically removed her heart.
At first, Regina just stared at the dark clouds littering the bright red organ, but after she sucked in a deep breath, she gasped in surprise, because for the first time since she could remember, it felt like she could breathe easily. Her free hand moved up to rub at her chest, the persistent ache that had grown progressively worse over the years, was gone… Regina’s eyes flew toward her mother’s sarcophagus.
“This was why you did it…” She whispered in realization, her posture straightening, that constant weight on her shoulders and chest suddenly non-existent. “Finally, I understand…” She lovingly rubbed her hand over the top of the coffin, even as her cold brown eyes followed the gesture.
Soon though, Regina turned away from her parents and looked to her heart. Softly she muttered a spell under her breath to cast a protective barrier around the organ to separate it from her body, before she smugly grinned and placed it back inside of her chest. No, Regina would not make the same mistake her mother had, just leave her heart laying around for any self-righteous fool to stumble upon.
Regina inhaled another deep breath, feeling suddenly invigorated. She would never be hurt again. Nobody would ever be able to come anywhere close to her heart. Not Henry. Not Emma.
Regina could remember loving them, but the feeling itself was faraway and dulled, like a dream she couldn’t quite remember the details of. She knew that she was supposed to feel happiness in that moment, that it was expected, but the feeling couldn’t quite manifest itself either, another side effect of being heartless she supposed. Regina didn’t mind though, because she could still feel the most incredible of feelings:
Control and Freedom.
Emma stared at the giant shining diamond whirling around its own axis where her family was gathered in the mines. So the Trigger had been activated and Hook had taken off with the bean he and David had found in the cannery. She had tried to take Henry and just make a run for the town line, but the Kid was determined that she try and save everyone. Because she was apparently the Saviour and that’s what good people were supposed to do.
Emma stopped the derisive snort threatening to escape her. Her child was going to die. So she planned on giving it another few minutes – she could feel her magic doing… something – and if nothing happened by then, Emma planned to knock Henry out and carry him away from there. Her parents would understand.
She wondered where the fuck Regina was though. Emma really hoped that Regina didn’t think that they had found a bean and that Henry would be safe because of it. Emma really needed the brunette to show up already, because Regina was a bitch yes, but she pulled through in the end. She’d saved them from the Wishing Well, right? Granted she’d put them in danger to begin with, but that had been to stop Cora, who everyone now understood would’ve needed to be stopped. Nobody could blame Regina for that.
God, Emma really hoped that Regina wasn’t still in the same funk she had been in earlier. The blonde might’ve felt like hugging the woman on a few occasions during the heartfelt monologue. But Emma was very sure that any contact, even in comfort, would’ve sent her flying across the pavement. Still she couldn’t help but worry, not just for everyone in town, but for Regina too, who was probably feeling alone and misunderstood. Emma’s been there, done that. Hell, that had been last Tuesday for her. But she got up, and she knew that Regina would bounce back too. She was a fighter, probably the strongest woman Emma had ever met…
She exhaled harshly. ‘Kay, she was gonna give Regina ten more minutes to get there. If not, the blonde was bolting with Henry. Maybe Emma wouldn’t survive because she was technically born in the Enchanted Forest, but at least the Kid would be safe and alive, albeit all alone in the world.
Regina appeared right in the middle of Gold’s shop, so abruptly it managed to startle even Rumplestiltskin from where he was cozying it up with his Belle. Regina sneered at the sight, enraged that he would get his Happy Ending, even when his son was dead. The son for whom he had created an entire 28 year curse to find. The son for which he had manipulated almost every desperate fool in the Enchanted Forest for. Regina having been the biggest and most desperate fool of them all.
She could remember the rage that had wracked her since Daniel had died the first time. That rage that had only built as the years went by. Regina remembered it, but now, looking at her former mentor, the most powerful emotion she could muster was indignation. And without that rage and heartache clouding her brain, driving her to impulsiveness, Regina could think more clearly about her actions.
“What is the meaning –
Rumplestiltskin was cut off by the swift movement of Regina’s arm as her hand plunged into his chest and ripped out his heart.