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This is crack treated semi-seriously. Basically saw on reddit forums continued jokes about how even though he decays every episode, Viserys continues living which brought me here.
King Viserys the Ancient
Or King Viserys the Asshole Who Refuses To Just Die Already
“Listen to me, daughter: The King will die. It may be months or years, but he'll not live to be an old man.”
- Otto Hightower to his daughter Queen Alicent Hightower in 109 AC
“I grow increasingly worried that you were wrong.”
- Queen Alicent Hightower to her father, at King Viserys’ Silver Jubilee in 133 AC.
“To our future queen - after her father and grandmother, of course!”
- Viserys I (Viserys the Ancient) in 133 AC upon being introduced to his newly-born great-granddaughter Rhaenys Velaryon, eldest child of Prince Jaecaerys Velaryon and Princess Baela Targaryen.
“So one wants a Velaryon girl far too young and the other’s wedded a Lyseni banker’s daughter seven years older that he met by accident? I suppose the Gods are paying me back for my misspent youth.”
- Daemon Targaryen in 134 AC, finding out the brides of choice for his sons Prince Aegon Targaryen (rider of Stormcloud), and Prince Viserys Targaryen.
“At least he died doing what he loved best in life - bedding a whore.”
- Aemond Targaryen to his sister Helaena Targaryen in 136 AC, after the sudden passing of Prince Aegon Targaryen (rider of Sunfyre) in a brothel.
“Alicent Hightower still survives.”
- Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen on her deathbed in 139 AC, unaware that the Queen Alicent Hightower had died two days previously.
“A Strong bastard as Prince of Dragonstone? How does the old fool not see it what's in front of him?”
“Worry not, my love. He’ll be dead, soon, everybody says and then we will take your rightful crown.”
- Prince Jaehaerys Targaryen (rider of Shyrkos) and his sister-wife Jaehaera (rider of Morghul) in 139 AC after King Viserys formally made Prince Jaecaerys Velaryon the Prince of Dragonstone.
“A dragon cannot be stolen. She belonged to your grandmother once and now she belongs to me.”
- Prince Maelor Targaryen (rider of Syrax) in 140 AC to Princess Rhaenys Velaryon.
“On further thought, cousin Maelor, I retract my previous statement. I am forced to agree. A dragon cannot be stolen.”
- Princess Rhaenys Velaryon (rider of Vhagar) to Prince Maelor Targaryen two hours after the funeral of Aemond “One-Eye” Targaryen in 141 AC.
“Quite frankly, that he is so ill and yet keeps living is beyond the knowledge of even the Citadel.”
- Grand Maester Orwyle on King Viserys the Ancient in 143 AC, at the King’s Ruby Jubilee.
“My god, the monsters. Her body’s not even cold yet.”
- Prince Daeron Targaryen (rider of Tessarion) about the mad dash to the Dragonpit by assorted Targaryen and Velaryon relatives to try and claim Dreamfyre after the death of his sister Helaena in 147 AC.
“Did you hear that Princess Vaelana has claimed the dragon Dreamfyre?”
“Indeed, a mighty boon for the Greens.”
“What are you talking about? Princess Vaelana is Prince Lucerys Velaryon’s daughter. She’s a Black.”
“But didn’t she marry Prince Aegor? Would that not make her a Green now?”
“Oi you over there, settle a dispute for us. Is Princess Vaelana a Green or a Black?”
- Two courtiers in 147 AC upon realizing that the status of Princess Vaelana’s allegiance
was uncertain.
“Are we Greens or are we Blacks?”
“Honestly, I haven’t got a clue.”
- Princess Vaelana Velaryon (daughter of Lucerys Velaryon and rider of Dreamfyre) to her husband Prince Aegor Targaryen (son of Prince Daeron Targaryen and rider of Seasmoke) in 147 AC.
“That my grandfather would make the bastard’s daughter Princess of Dragonstone - even over her own brothers. He steals my birthright, he steals our son's birthright.”
“Worry not, my love. He’ll be dead, soon, everybody says and then we will take your rightful crown.”
“You know, I’m getting the oddest feeling that we’ve been here before.”
- Prince Jaehaerys Targaryen (rider of Shrykos) and his sister-wife Princess Jaehaera
Targaryen (rider of Morghul) after King Viserys formally made Princess Rhaenys Velaryon (rider of Vhagar) the Princess of Dragonstone in 149 AC.
“Say what you will about this latest run on the Dragonpit but it’s helped prune the family tree a bit.”
- Aegon Targaryen (son of Viserys) to his father Viserys (son of Daemon and rider of Caraxes) after several Targaryen and Velaryons were burned to death while trying to claim the dragon Vermax in 149 AC.
“There has to be a better system than this.”
- Prince Joffrey Velaryon, upon hearing of his fourth son’s death in the fight for Vermax in 149 AC.
“We should proceed carefully. In his fragile state, I expect the shock of hearing that his last child Daeron is dead might finally end the King’s life.”
“Ah, so you’re new here then.”
- A veteran Red Keep Maester Acolyte to a rookie Red Keep Maester Acolyte 151 AC.
“A great-great grandson and on today of all days! Well done my loves. Now, I know this is a bit rude, but would you mind explaining how exactly you’re descended from me? Wait, wait, with the name, you’ve got to be one of the descendants of my Daeron right?”
- King Viserys (Viserys the Ancient) to his great-grandchildren Aegon (son of Viserys) and Naerys (daughter of Viserys) upon the birth of their son Daeron at his Golden Jubilee in 153 AC. (They were descendants of King Viserys’ daughter Rhaenyra).
“So what cockless idiot decided to run off with the Strong bastard’s daughter? No doubt some mewling bitch. What kind of true man could ever be content with being just the consort of a woman? It’s unnatural and no man worth his salt would do it.”
“About that….”
- Prince Baelon Targaryen (rider of Sunfyre) trying to explain to his father Jaehaerys (rider of Shrykos) that he had just wed Princess Rhaenys Velaryon, the Princess of Dragonstone in a love match in 157 AC.
“The King’s flesh regularly falls off. He has three of ten fingers left, five teeth, he can’t use either leg and the only hair he has left are some very thin whisps of silver-white hair and he's blind in one eye. And yet somehow, incredibly, he seems to still be marching on with the business of reigning. Metaphorically, of course. The King cannot march. He can't even lift a toe.”
- Grand Maester Munkun in a letter to the Citadel, 158 AC.
“Come on, don’t tarry, and certainly don’t let anybody else know about this. We’re headed to Tarth. My brother’s flown there. He’s dying and we’ve both agreed that we're not going to have a run so that some Green bastard can claim Stormcloud..”
“Grandfather, what’s a Green?”
- Prince Viserys Targaryen (rider of Caraxes) to his grandson Prince Daeron Targaryen (future rider of Stormcloud) in 159 AC.
“Hail to you King Viserys the Ancient. Sixty years have you reigned, five years longer than your beloved grandfather. I shall hope that the construction of this new and great sept shall keep the Church and the Crown together for another hundred years.”
“Thank you, your holiness. Look, this is awkward, but are you one of my lot?”
- King Viserys the Ancient to his great-grandson the High Septon (known as the Valyrian One, born as Baelor Targaryen) in 163 AC.
“You will marry Myriah Martell and be her consort and bind Dorne to the Black cause. The King won’t live forever and when he dies…”
“Everybody keeps saying that and yet…”
- Prince Viserys (rider of Caraxes) to his grandson Prince Daeron (rider of Stormcloud) in 165 AC.
“Rhaenyra? I am your sworn sword, your white knight, you know that I would never betray you…”
- Lord Commander Criston Cole, senile on his deathbed at age 84 in 166 AC.
“I’m not supposed to say it, but at this point, the Citadel suspects sorcery.”
- Grand Maester Munkun to Prince Daemion Targaryen (grandson of Daeron Targaryen), his new acolyte on the continued life of King Viserys despite his continued illness in 167 AC.
“Why make the Strong bastard’s grandson this “Prince of Summerhall? Does the king not insult us enough with denying us our true birthright? By making a woman Princess of Dragonstone twice? Why rub dirt in the wound by lobbing additional honors on this ugly brat?
“My love, that’s our grandson.”
“He's what?”
- Prince Jaehaerys (rider of Shrykos) to his sister-wife Princess Jaehaera in 169 AC upon hearing that Rhaenys Velaryon’s eldest child Aegon Targaryen was made Prince of Summerhall, indicating him as the heir to the heir. Aegon Targaryen was also the son of Prince Jaehaerys’ eldest son Baelon Targaryen (rider of Sunfyre)
“One of my descendants married a Martell? Which one?”
"Prince Daeron, your grace."
"Right, but which Prince Daeron?"
"Prince Daeron Targaryen."
"Right, but WHICH Prince Daeron Targaryen?"
"Prince Daeron Targaryen, son of Prince Aegon Targaryen."
"Right, but WHICH Prince Daeron Targaryen, son of Prince Aegon Targaryen? There are three."
- King Viserys (Viserys the Ancient) upon hearing that his great-great grandson Daeron (rider of Stormcloud) had successfully fathered a son on Myriah Martell (future ruling Princess of Dorne) in 170 AC.
“Jaehaerys is dead. Shrykos is free. Tell the children that we need to hurry to the Dragonpit.”
“Which Dragonpit?”
Princess Elaena Targaryen (daughter of Prince Aemond “One–Eye Targaryen” to her husband Prince Monford Velaryon (younger son of Jaecaerys Velaryon) in 171 AC upon hearing the news of her uncle's death.
“If your number is eight and twenty, then you are entitled to the first try to tame Shyrkos. If your number is six and seventy, you get attempt number two. Please line up in an orderly fashion. If you try and fight, you will be disqualified. I repeat, if your number is eight and twenty...”
- The Head Dragonkeeper to a crowd of dragonless Targaryens and Velaryons outside of the King’s Landing Dragonpit in 171 AC.
“We are Dornish, my Princess. We need not bow to the Iron Throne.”
“So you want to go up against forty-one adult dragons? I already married a Targaryen prince, the ruling house now practices equal succession, it’s time to see what we can get before they all realize that burning Dornishmen to death is a good way to bond as a family."
“But my princess…”
“FORTY. ONE. ADULT. DRAGONS.”
- The Ruling Princess of Dorne, Myriah Martell in a conversation with Lord Wyl in 172 AC.
“So…what are those two all mad about?”
“Something to do with dresses, I think.”
- Prince Aurane Velaryon (rider of Vermithor, a grandson of both Joffrey Velaryon and Daeron Targaryen) to his wife, Princess Helaena Targaryen (granddaughter of both Aemond Targaryen and Lucerys Velaryon, and rider of Silverwing) in 173 AC after a fight broke out between Prince Lucerys Velaryon (rider of Arrax and Lord of Driftmark) and Prince Maelor Targaryen (rider of Syrax) at the Platinum Jubilee of King Viserys the Ancient.