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Lottie has not spoken in three days. Not since she found a tattered scrap of a dress in the ashes of the cabin, a name scrawled on a charred tag: Laura Lee. The rest of the dress all but disintegrated in Lotties hands, leaving her with only the half-burnt tag. Lottie had clutched it in her fist as she fell to her knees in the rubble, an agonizing scream ripping from deep in her gut. It was as if the scream tore out her voice box, because since then Lottie has not uttered a single word.
Lottie has not moved in two days. The other girls had hefted her shaking body off the ground and brought her back to the plane cabin. That night, Shauna woke up and Lottie was gone. There was a panicked search for her, lasting well into the morning, Lottie’s name yelled out into the wind without answer. In the end, Natalie found her. She was crouched against a tree, shivering in the snow of the clearing that they had created themselves. The clearing where the old plane used to sit. The old plane that Laura Lee had died in. Natalie led her back to the plane, encouraging her to lay down in the back end. She hasn’t moved since.
A pit of worry has burrowed deep into Natalies bones, feeling like heavy iron weighing her down. She has not gone out to hunt, Travis went on his own, leaving early in the morning before the sun rose over the treetops. No, Natalie sits beside Lottie. The brunette's eyes are open and glazed over, staring blankly into space.
“Lottie?” Natalie whispers. “Lottie, can you say something? We’re all getting a little worried.”
A little worried would be an understatement. The others have been chattering outside, hushed whispers of voiced fears.
Why won’t she speak?
She hasn’t eaten anything.
She hasn’t had any water, either. She’s going to die if she doesn’t start drinking!
Lottie does not respond. She does not give any indication that she heard Natalie at all, her eyes staying trained on something that Natalie can’t see. Sometimes Lottie’s lip will tremble, sometimes a lone tear will fall slowly down her cheek and Natalie will wipe it away. Every once in a while, a full body tremor will rack her frame and Nat will run a soothing hand along her back. There is a gentleness that Natalie has developed caring for Lottie, one that she did not know she possessed.
As carefully as she can, she maneuvers Lotties head into her lap. With delicate fingers, she braids a small piece of Lottie’s hair. It doesn’t take long and Natalie has nothing to tie it with, so she leaves it there, not minding whether it holds or not. The action seems to have put Lottie at ease, less tense, so Nat pulls another piece of Lotties thick, dark hair, and begins another braid. Lottie’s eyes flutter shut.
⭑🟄⭑
Lottie is not quite sure where she is. She knows that she is supposed to be with her teammates in the plane that they crashed in. Everything is hazy. Black creeps along the edge of her vision and the demons that whisper in her ears swirl in front of her eyes. She shivers. It is cold here, wherever ‘here’ is. Fear sparks low in her belly, its deft fingers tying knots in her guts. Why is it so cold?
Is this a dream? Lottie wonders. She’s never had a dream like this. It feels like she’s floating. Usually the wilderness speaks to her in riddles whispered in the wind or spoken by the rustle of leaves. Sometimes it shows her things through visions that leave Lottie unsure if she is losing her mind. None of that is happening. Instead it feels as though all the voices in the wind and the leaves, the critters and the birdsong, have all melded together. A loud, incessant buzzing in her ears like a mosquito that won't fly away. Lottie hates it.
She hovers in this in-between area for what feels like seconds and years at the same time. Where is she, again? Oh right, she never knew in the first place. Her mind feels so jumbled. Just as it seems like she is never going to leave this blurry darkness, a vaguely familiar voice cuts through the buzz of the wilderness.
“Lottie?” it says. “Lottie is that you?”
Slowly the haze fades and Lottie finds herself at the lake. The waves lap gently at the shore and the voice calls out again. “Lottie! I knew it was you!”
Lottie slowly turns towards the sound of the voice, bracing herself for something terrible. After all, this can’t be real. She can’t be here. But there she is, standing there in her pretty white dress, smiling at Lottie with the softest look in her blue eyes.
“Laura Lee.”
Lotties voice cracks pathetically as she whispers her name, hushed as though Laura Lee will disappear if she says it too loud. This can’t be real, Lottie thinks again. This must be a dream. But if this is a dream, then Lottie would happily stay here until her living body withers into dust. Or maybe she is dead already. Laura Lee—or Dream-Laura Lee or whoever this is— beams at her even brighter than before.
Lottie breaks out into a sprint, collapsing into the waiting arms of her teammate. Her best friend. The girl she loved so deeply it clung to her bones long after she was gone, left a sweet residue on her tongue, a Laura Lee-sized hole in her heart. Lottie hugs her tightly, like if she squeezes hard enough whatever force brought Laura Lee back to her won’t be able to pull her away again. Laura Lee returns the hug with just as much vigour.
“I missed you,” Lottie breathes, voice raspy and low. She wonders how long it has been since she has spoken.
“I missed you, too, Lottie.”
And Lottie melts.
⭑🟄⭑
“Lottie… Lottie, please. You have to drink something. Please, if you don’t drink something you’re going to die.”
Natalie’s voice cracks as she practically begs. Lottie’s lips are chapped, her breathing is shallow, and it seems like she is stuck in a far off land. Her eyes are still glazed over, almost like the dead. Once again, Lottie does not respond, does not twitch, does not blink.
Natalie clenches her jaw shut, grinding her teeth together, fear melting away into white hot anger. She sees red. “Fine! If you want to die , Lottie, by all means, lay there and die!”
Stomping out of the plane cabin, Natalie is met with the concerned gazes of the other girls. She ignores them as she storms off into the woods, but she feels all of their eyes on her back tingling like tiny bugs crawling up and down her skin. So what if they are watching her leave Lottie alone in the cabin? It is not like Lottie even knew she was there at all.
As Natalie treads further and further into the woods, her breathing becomes erratic. Laboured breaths enter her body in gasping heaves, leave in animal-like noises. She drops to her knees. Her shoulders begin to shake, tears cascade down her cheeks, the dam of her emotions crumbling and everything comes pouring out. Wails. Sobs. She shakes, cries, screams. It's not fucking fair! What did she do to deserve this endless torment? What did Lottie do?
As she gasps futilely for air, a bone-chilling thought leaves a shiver running down her spine like a spider. Spiders crawling up your back , supplies her brain, unhelpfully. Spiders here, spiders there, spiders even in your hair. Natalie thinks she can feel them there, biting at her scalp. She claws at her hair, tearing chunks of bleached blonde and dark roots out of her skull.
“ Fuck !”
Natalie yells it at the wilderness. At the people who still haven’t fucking found them. At Lottie, too, because Nat is so, so scared. Lottie is going to die if she doesn’t snap out of it. Her systems will shut down and Natalie will be able to do nothing but watch as another person dies. The only person that understands Natalie’s burden, the only person she thinks she can lean on. And Nat would never ever admit it out loud, the person that makes her feel like it's still worth fighting to survive.
Then she closes her eyes and begs . She prays to every god she does not believe in, she pleads with whatever entity lives in the wilderness, just let her survive . She repeats it over and over, in her head, out loud. She repeats it until the words blend together and she’s babbling incoherently to the trees. By the time she snaps back into herself, her voice is scratchy and her throat screams for a drink. Her legs are tingling from sitting on her heels for so long. The sky has turned a dusty gray, indicating the beginnings of dusk. How long has she been out here?
On half-numb legs, Natalie stumbles back through the forest. When she gets back, the girls eye her warily, and Nat realizes she must look like a wreck. She can feel the knots in her hair from gripping big chunks between her fingers. Her eyes must be red and swollen and her cheeks are certainly blotchy from tears. She scowls at them. They back off.
Turning on her heel, she makes her way into the plane. Lottie lay exactly where she left her and Natalie feels the dying ember of her hope flicker out of existence. Tears burn in her eyes, but Nat refuses to let them fall. Instead she returns to her spot beside Lottie. If Lottie is going to die here, Natalie decides, she is going to be here with her until the very end. She owes Lottie that much at least.
So Natalie lifts Lotties head back into her lap once more, and strokes the girl's tangled hair.
Softly, Natalie whispers, “Lottie, I really need you to come back to me… but if you don’t, I’m here. I’m here, Lottie, you’re not alone.”
⭑🟄⭑
Lottie lays on her back, shoulder brushing against Laura Lee’s, pinkies linked together. Birds sing in the trees, a melody made just for them. Lottie drinks it in, laps up the moment like a cat with milk. It’s perfect here, Lottie decides.
She feels eyes on her, and tilts her gaze toward Laura Lee. The blonde smiles at her, but there is a sadness lingering behind her eyes, and a pool of dread fills Lotties insides.
“Lottie—”
“No!” Lottie refuses to hear it. She knows what Laura Lee is going to say.
“Lottie, you can’t stay here forever.”
“But—”
“Lottie.” Laura Lee says it firmly, but still kindly, because Laura Lee overflows with kindness, it spills out of every part of her.
“But I don’t want to leave you! I… I love you.”
Laura Lee's eyes— endless pools of blueness that Lottie finds herself sinking into— go wide. Her mouth opens and closes. Even her dream version of Laura Lee never could have expected this. Then she smiles, she takes a step towards Lottie and cups her cheek with hand and Lottie leans into the touch like a cat. For a moment Lottie thinks that she is going to kiss her. Instead Laura Lee presses their foreheads together.
“Lottie, this isn’t real.”
And then Laura Lee is fading. The sounds of the forest are reduced back to buzzing in her ears, the light pressure on her cheek slowly disappearing. Hazy blackness fills her vision once more and Lottie is lost. Tears stain her cheeks and despair sinks its bloody talons into her skin. Laura Lee’s name runs through her mind like a mantra, over and over. Laura Lee. Laura Lee. Laura Lee.
“Come back!” Lottie wants to yell into the endless dark. No words escape her lips, she just hovers, suspended in hurt, grief, loss. Come back , she thinks , Come back . The demons drown out her voice, drown out her thoughts, filling her head, her mouth, her everything. She is consumed.
Lottie loses track of time. Is there even time here? Lottie still doesn’t know where ‘here’ is. She floats and floats, drifting into a tingly state of numbness. She thinks of Laura Lee. She wonders if Laura Lee loved her too, the real one, not the dream version that Lottie’s mind concocted. She wishes she told her sooner, before she ever got on that deathtrap of a plane.
Another voice splits through the fog. Familiar. Not Laura Lee. Lottie cannot place it.
“Lottie…”
It is muddled. She misses most of the words. The voice is feminine, but it's low and husky. It is comforting.
“...come back to me… alone.”
Come back? thinks Lottie. Come back where? Then it clicks. She is not supposed to be here. Flashes come back to her. A plane, a cabin— no, the cabin is gone— a pretty blonde that is not Laura Lee. A pretty blonde that makes her feel warm. What is her name again…?
⭑🟄⭑
“Natalie?”
Natalie almost cries. Lottie’s voice comes out in a brutal rasp, but Natalie could not care any less. She throws her arms around Lottie and squeezes, holding her as close as she can. She will not let Lottie slip away from her again. Letting go, Nat scans Lotties face, landing on her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes that finally look present.
Her insides scream at her. Lottie, Lottie, Lottie . Her eyes dip to Lottie’s lips. But then the brunette's lips start to tremble, her body starts to shake and Natalies name falls from her lips in three broken syllables. Lottie cries. Cries harder than she did in the ruins of the cabin. Cries harder than she has cried in her entire life. Natalie brings her in, lets Lottie’s tears soak the fabric on her shoulder, and murmurs sweet assurances in her ears.
When Lottie’s tears subside, she stays tucked into Natalies shoulder, nose pressed against her collarbone. Her lashes tickle Natalie’s neck when she blinks, but Natalie can’t bring herself to care. Lottie speaks in a scratchy whisper, “I saw her, Nat.”
“Who?”
“Laura Lee.”
“I’m sorry, Lottie.”
“No,” says Lottie, pulling away and looking deep into Natalies eyes. “I’m glad I saw her. I got to tell her something important… It also made me realize something.”
“Yeah?”
Lottie’s eyes seem to bore into her, as if she can see all the way to her soul. “Natalie, you’re special.”
Three words hold so much meaning behind them, a confession, a promise, a heart offered up on a gold platter. Natalie doesn’t think, she acts. Her lips are on Lottie’s in a flash and the other girl melts like snow into the kiss. Lottie , chants her body, her heart, her being . Lottie, Lottie, Lottie . Chapped lips meet chapped lips, and the kiss is rough, but at the same time it is somehow the softest kiss Natalie has ever experienced. Perfect , she thinks, as they finally break apart.
“You’re perfect,” Nat murmurs.
Pink colours Lottie’s cheeks and she turns her gaze away. There is a brief moment of silence before Nat almost shoves water down Lottie’s throat. The worm of worry that had dug itself under Natalie’s skin finally climbs out, and she feels like she can breathe again. Lottie is going to be okay.
Natalie coaxes Lottie to her feet and supports the girl as they make their way out of the plane. Shock paints the faces of the team, before it melts away into relief and joy.
Mari barrels forward, lurching herself into Lottie’s arms, excitement wafting off her in waves. “You’re up!”
A warm feeling settles just under the surface of Nat’s skin, spreading all the way to the tips of her toes. She is happy, she realizes. It has been a long time since she has felt the fuzzy glow of happiness. Lottie turns to her and smiles.
Later, as they lay tangled in each other, Lottie breathes a quiet confession. “I think I loved Laura Lee, too… I loved Laura Lee.”
Natalie nods. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Not your fault.” Lottie’s words slur together with tiredness, and she soon drifts off. Natalie strokes her hair until sleep wraps her in its warm blanket of nothingness.
⭑🟄⭑
“Hi, Lottie.”
Lottie blinks her eyes open. This time, she is not by the lake, but sitting on the soft grass of the soccer pitch all the way back home in Wiskayok. Laura Lee stands in front of her wearing the blue and yellow of their soccer uniform, a bee painted on her cheek.
Tears well up in Lotties dark eyes, and she steps towards Laura Lee. Her hand reaches out to trace the gentle curve of her jawline, the soft skin on her cheek. Blue and brown collide in a watery staring contest that Lottie loses when she throws herself into Laura Lee’s waiting arms.
“How are you here?” Lottie asks, muffled by a soccer uniform and a shoulder.
“As a final goodbye, I suppose” offers Laura Lee, then a smirk breaks across her face. “So… Natalie?”
Guilt stings like thorns in her gut. Is it wrong to love Natalie so soon after losing Laura Lee? Lottie opens her mouth but Laura Lee cuts her off, gentle as a butterfly.
“I’m happy for you.”
Of course she is. Lottie knows that the real Laura Lee would be, too, because Laura Lee was filled to the brim with love, and she would be so proud of Lottie for being able to find it in Natalie. Laura Lee smiles at her one last time before she fades away, but this time Lottie only feels a warmth spreading from her heart. Her lips twitch upwards.
Everything just might be okay, after all.