Chapter 1: the consequences that i've rendered
Chapter Text
The Virginia sun is beating down on Negan like he's stuck in between the devils tits- but honestly he doesn't mind one damn bit. Before Rick had thrown him in that jail he had always hid away from the sun like a fucking hermit who was allergic to light. Hated it.
But years in a dark ten by ten cell will change you. Now he couldn't get enough of that hot ass sun. He volunteered for watch as much as he could, soaking in the outdoors and sunlight like a man lost in the desert would with water.
A sudden noise to his left rouses him from his thoughts. It's a Grimes child- the middle one to be more precise- laden with dinner for him.
"Well hello there, little lady." He says with a smirk as she makes her way up. Judith rolls her eyes because she hates the name and her nose scrunches at him in defiance.
His heart pangs a little at that simple gesture in a way he knows it shouldn't. Because it's something her dead brother had always done too when he was mad.
Negans not sure why, all these years later, his thoughts still turn to Carl so often.
His time with him had been short. And at first most of it consisted of the boy spitting insults at him and trying to murder him.
Things had changed though once Rick had locked him up. Carl's visits to him began under the guise of bringing him his daily meals. But Negan soon realized the kid was lonely- maybe more so than him, even. Because there's no worse feeling than being surrounded by people who make you feel alone.
He found the kid fascinating. He had been eager to understand his inner workings, to find out what made him tick. He told himself it was because Carl had grown up in the apocalypse and was therefore unlike anyone else he had ever met.
Carl eventually volunteered to be one of his cell guards. A stupid fucking pointless job if you asked Negan, because he wasn’t even trying to get out. But whatever. Rick could waste resources on him.
Carl didn't really guard him as much as bullshit and play cards with him. Sometimes when Negan would say something particularly funny he would have the honor of seeing the kids face genuinely light up and let out an honest to god laugh. The more he got to know Carl the more he was able to wheedle those precious moments out of him.
"'M gonna be gone for a little bit." Carl had announced unceremoniously one night over a game of war, months into their little card games. He hadn't been wearing his bandage. It bothered him now, but he still wore it around most people. He always took it off though as soon as he got down here, knowing there was no one to hide from here.
"Oh?" Negan had responded lightly, while internally feeling his stomach sink in a way that he hadn't been expecting. His visits with Carl were honestly the only thing keeping him going most days.
Carl had nodded, biting at his nail and laying a card down- a 5, while Negan laid a 4. Dammit.
"My dads got a plan or some shit - we're building a bridge. Supposed to connect the communities. Make trade easier." He was clearly feigning indifference to a plan that Negan was absolutely sure Carl was very invested in. Carl was way too hungry for his fathers approval to not be. "He's already there. I'm headed out with Alden in the morning."
That checked out. Alden had been one of his own men, good at construction. Him and Carl had become close, and Negan had felt grateful for it. Carl needed a friend, and as far as he remembered Alden was a good kid.
They had played cards silently for the rest of the time until Carl finally yawned and grabbed the stack of cards victoriously. It must be Ten O'clock. Gabe was coming any minute to take over for him.
Good. Negan loved to torment that creepy priest. Another one of his only joys in life.
"Get to bed kid. Sounds like you have a long day tomorrow."
Carl had nodded and finally looked at him, swiping at his hair to get it out of his face and grabbing his bandage to put it back on. "I'll be back in a week or two."
"Hmm. I'll miss you." Negan had meant to say it as a joke but it came out more serious than originally planned.
Carl smiled at him. A real genuine smile.
"Yeah I'm sure you will, old man." He had said with a smirk as he got up and made his way out to wait for Gabe at the top of the steps.
Negan still vividly remembers the day that bridge exploded. The air in Alexandria was heavy, tense, full of whispers and terse conversations. He knew something was wrong immediately. He prayed to whatever god was out there that it wasn't Carl. Not Carl.
But then those words ultimately came. "Carl, too." was what he heard whispered by a guard that made his heart stop in his chest.
They searched valiantly for months but never did find their bodies- either of them. There were never any signs of Rick or his son in the ruins of that Ill fated bridge or the river below.
Carls loss left a scar on him that he would never admit to.
***
The playing cards lay on a shelf right outside of his cell where Cal had left them on his way out. A simple gesture that he planned to come back and they'd be there for them. Negan sat and stared at those cards for hours- no, days- weeks- left alone with his thoughts, of the way Carl would throw a shitty grin at him that so few people were gifted.
Slowly, torturously time went on. Until one day a different lonely Grimes kid wandered into his presence.
She wanted to talk about Carl- that's what brought her to Negan in the first place. She just really wanted to talk to someone who had time for her.
And Negan had all the time in the world.
A few random visits turned into her sitting outside of his cell most days while she did her homework and chatted with him about anything and everything. She grew on him in a way no one had since Carl. The playing cards, that were still on the shelf where they'd been left by Carl, were finally picked up by her.
A little while later, somehow (and quite bizarrely) Negan found himself as a citizen of Alexandria, free from his cell, an actual contributing member of society.
He still had Judith tagging along with him, only this time it was all around Alexandria. And for good reason- she honestly didn’t have anyone else. Michonne had left first, hellbent on some strange mission to find Rick. Negan wished she would start living in reality- Rick and Carl both died that day in that river. Maggie was gone and while she was a nonentity to Negan she wasn't to Judith.
And then Daryl of all people. Uncle Daryl, who had been the most stable adult in these kids' lives, also left on some ridiculous asshat voyage.
So who did that leave to take care of Rick's collection of sad, wayward, forgotten kids? At this point the man should be paying him fucking child support from the great beyond.
Ever since the day Carl had snuck into his home hellbent on killing him his life seems like its been a never ending stream of Rick's children wreaking havoc on his existence.
And now he's strangely moved himself into Rick's old home and has become the main caretaker for Judith and RJ. Simply because there was no one else to do it (and, okay, he has to admit the kids have grown on him). He knows Ricks rolling in his watery grave and it gives Negan a chuckle. He's a really terrible person- but that doesn't stop him from sleeping in the dead mans bed every night.
The deck of playing cards from that cell had found a home on the bedroom shelf next to him. He'll still pull them down from time to time and play a game with Judith, but they're getting tattered and worn, and it's all he has left of his short friendship with Carl so he's hoping they'll last.
Honestly- he has no idea why they still mean so much to him.
And that's how he ended up in his current situation of Judith clambering up to him with his dinner while he's on watch. It's really a lovely day. Any day outside of that cell was a lovely fucking day.
"Aaron made spaghetti. It was really damn good." Judith tells him as she gives him the plate and a jug of water.
"Language, missy."
Judith rolls her eyes at him. Such a Grimes. They both go quiet for a moment until she looks out towards the woods, like something has caught her attention.
"Is- is anyone out on a run?" Judith suddenly asks, tersely.
"Not that I know of- why?"
"Cause…there's definitely someone out there. Look. At that tree line." Judith says with certainty.
He’s not convinced. "S probably a walker, Jude."
"It's not." She insists.
Negan holds his KSG up and looks through the scope. It takes a moment until he spots it.
Judith was right. Something- someone- was making their way towards them.
They honestly look like a walker, but Negan can tell by their stride that it's not one. It's a person, which honestly scares him more than a walker.
"Get off the wall, Judith. Take your brother inside, you know what to do. If you see Aaron or Alden on the way tell them to come up here."
"But-" She tries to plead with him, but he's not budging.
"Judith."
She nods silently and makes her way down.
The stranger continues their trek towards Alexandria, and now that they're closer their hands are held up in surrender. It's a man, younger than Negan but he's extremely disheveled. Looks like he hasn't seen a place such as Alexandria in quite some time.
He's close enough now that Negan can make out more of their features. He's a skinny motherfucker, his clothes falling off of him in tatters. Their hair is falling in waves over the majority of their face, obscuring it.
Negan continues to train his gun on them, and finally speaks. "I'm gonna have to advise you to stop the fuck right there unless you don't want to see tomorrow. If you actually don't, then be my guest and just keep on tiptoein' over here."
Negan studies them intently. The man stares up at him, silently at first.
And that's when Negan sees it. The stranger scrunches his nose in anger at him and in the same motion swipes his hair out of his face and Negan can see his features more clearly. Negans heart skips a beat, or more like five because the man has one eye.
Immediately, he knows. He knows, but he wonders if his mind is playing some kind of trick on him. It has to be. There's no other explanation.
"Negan?" A person who's been dead for ten years asks in a strange, hoarse and almost confused voice, dropping their hands.
And of course they're confused at the sight of Negan of all people on Alexandria's wall. Because the person standing there is Carl Grimes.
It's Carl- essentially unrecognizable, disheveled as all hell, but very much alive.
Chapter 2: since I could hold my head up high
Notes:
thank you all for ALLL the love on the first chapter. you guys are the best <3
I am very stressed, and when I am stressed I write stressed writings. so- have at it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Negans standing outside the infirmary where he's been posted up outside, chain smoking, since very early this morning. Like she does every five minutes Judith walks up to him and gives him a look. She could glare at him all she wanted, though- Negan wasn’t letting her in to see her brother until he knew that Carl was ready to see her.
When he had stumbled up to the gates last night Carl looked like he was actually about to collapse- and he did just that almost as soon as he walked into Alexandria.
Negan doesn't think he'll forget the look that Carl gave him before he passed out. The way his body gave out the second he was through those gates told Negan that he had put everything he had left into getting here. Carl, as always, was glaring at him with that look of haughty defiance that Negan used to know so well, but it quickly turned to what he could only describe as relief right before he blacked out.
Carl didn't get a word out before he hit the ground. Negan had run to him, working on pure autopilot because he was in too much shock to even realize what was happening. He knew Judith was confused, shooting off questions the whole time, yelling- but his sole focus had been Carl.
Negan completely ignored the small crowd that had gathered around them as he carried him to the infirmary. It was comprised solely of people who had never even met Carl, anyways.
"I got you. You're home, you're home. I got you." Negan remembers whispering to him as he looked down at the ragdoll in his arms that was Carl, not even fully cognizant of what he's saying.
Negan knows nothing shorter than the actual wrath of God would have kept Carl away from his little sister.
He's terrified of what he must have been through. Part of him doesn't want to know.
Siddiq, hearing all the commotion, had come running and met him halfway.
"It's Carl." Negan yelled, but he could tell it wasn't registering in Siddiq's head by the blank stare he was returning "It's Carl." He repeated in some kind of stunned stupor.
Negan had carried him into the infirmary and then promptly left before he regained consciousness because he felt like there were a lot of people Carl would rather see when he woke up.
"I'm so sorry kid." Was the only thing he'd been able to get out as he laid Carl, who was still completely out, on the bed as Aaron fought Judith off from rushing in and Siddiq ran around in a mad dash to get anything and everything he could find.
In hindsight he doesn't know why he had left Carl's side so fast. Maybe he had been in shock- or maybe he just couldn't handle seeing Carl like that.
In his hours spent sitting on the porch of the infirmary Negan had tried not to think about how it shouldn't have been so easy to carry Carl here. Too skinny. Too full of scars he shouldn't have. He was a fucking wreck. A fucking disheveled half dead train wreck. How long had he been out there for? The whole ten years?
Guilt started to creep over him. Shit- maybe Michonne hadn't been so crazy after all to go looking for Rick.
Together they all decided it was best to keep Judith away for now because frankly Carl looked like an actual walker to put it nicely. Negan, especially, didn't want her to see her brother like that.
Part of Negan was actually terrified he was going to walk in there to Siddiq telling him he hadn't made it through the night.
But- No. This was Carl, the kid who had gotten shot in the fucking face and essentially brushed it off.
Negan was only able to keep Judith in the house until the next morning when she started up again, demanding to see her long lost dead brother who apparently wasn't dead after all.
Then Negan caught her sneaking out the fucking window, and that's when he decided they would just have to sit outside the infirmary and wait for news.
Fucking Grimes kids were so goddamn stubborn.
An eerie quiet had settled over Alexandria. He overheard Rosita say to Aaron that it was similar to the morning after Carl had been shot in the eye and everyone assumed he was in there, dying.
Negan had peeked in a few times to see if Siddiq needed anything but all he got so far was a shake of the head and a solemn look. The only thing he'd asked for so far was soup, which at least kept Judith busy for a whole twenty minutes.
Gracie and Aaron came by eventually and took Judith for a moment as another distraction for her as the hours trudged by. And this left him alone finally.
"You okay?" A voice that sounds too far away asks, because Negan was so lost in his thoughts. It ends up being just Lydia, who takes a seat next to him on the porch.
Negan nods but stays quiet, not meeting her eye because he feels strangely on the verge of a breakdown. He had felt like he could keep his shit together for Judith, but now that he was alone his thoughts were wandering.
"You're really worried about him, aren't you? You guys were close?" She asks softly. News had traveled fast, apparently.
Negan shrugs. "I…yeah, I suppose we were. He was a good kid. Is a good kid."
"You care about him." It's not a question.
Negan nods. "I do. I really do. And I hate seeing him like this. I mean, fuck, I'm glad he's alive, but." He looks up finally from his hands. "I'm worried about Judith, too. That Carls been through too much, and that he's not going to be the same person she remembers. Being out there, it can, uh. It can change you, you know?"
"You know I do." She pauses a moment. "If he's as tough as I've heard he is then he's going to be fine."
"Yeah. Yeah, I hope."
The morning continues to trudge on. Judith's back, with Aaron giving him a forlorn look knowing the hell she was about to raise to get to her brother. It was going on almost 24 hours since he'd collapsed outside of the gates, and Negan knows Judith isn't going to wait any longer.
He tells Judith to wait outside as he makes his way in. He slowly opens the door and hears the unmistakable sound of Carls voice. Something he never thought he’d ever hear again. Only it sounds so frail, so small. and it hits him harder than he was anticipating hearing him like that.
God, what had happened to him? After all, this was Carl.
Siddiq notices Negan first. He's sitting next to Carl, talking softly. Carl immediately jumps when he senses someone else is there. He's not glaring anymore at him- he just looks weak. Exhausted. Defeated.
Negan fucking hates it.
Siddiq nods to Carl and then he gets up and walks over to him. He motions for the door and they head out.
Negan had been so preoccupied with Carl that he hadn't even noticed how terrible Siddiq looked. He knows the two were close- knows Carls the whole reason Siddiq is even here.
"Hey. Jude." Negan starts when they get outside. "Can you give us a second?"
But before she can even protest Siddiq chimes in.
"Can you grab some of Carl's old clothes for him? I think he'd feel better being in something that's his." Siddiq tells her. Negans really fucking grateful.
"Oh- y-yeah." Judith nods and immediately heads off. She had kept an entire drawer of Carl's things- clothes, comic books, darts. And the rest was stored away somewhere with RJ since he had taken over Carl's old room.
"Thank you." Negan tells him, sincerely grateful.
He doesn’t ask Siddiq how Carl is. It seems like a frivolous question, one he already knows the answer to.
“You okay?” Is what he asks instead.
Siddiq just shrugs and is silent for a moment. “No. No, not really. Seeing him like this, it’s… Carl- y'know he was there for me when literally no one else was. Saved my life. So, this is hard."
Apparently him and Siddiq have that in common. Shit- Carl hadn't deserved this.
Siddiq runs a hand over the back of his neck and then down his face. “You, uh. Ever heard of the CRM?”
“Yeah. Of course. Oh - fuck.”
Siddiq nods. “Says that's where he was the majority of the time. Rick, too.”
“Fuck- fuck. Wait, Rick still there?”
The way Siddiq's face clouds over tells him his answer. "No, uh. Carl says he’s dead. Has been for a while."
“Shit.”
Siddiq nods and draws in a sharp breath, looking elsewhere now. He looks haunted just from the small amount of time he's spent with Carl.
"It was…it's bad. Said he's been dodging the CRM since he escaped but that it's been almost impossible. Made finding any kind of food laughable. He tried to stay away as long as he could from Alexandria but he knew he was going to starve himself to death if he stayed out there any longer. He had no idea how long he’s really been gone for. No idea that it had been ten years. He's just…he's jumpy. Looks at me sometimes like he doesn't trust me. And I get it, I wouldn't either, but."
Negan wants to say something. Anything. But he can't think of any words that sound even remotely reasonable.
"What are we gonna do about Judith?" Negan finally asks him.
"I, uh. So I asked him about her. He wants to see her. But he knows how bad off he is. Doesn't know if he should see her right now. Told me that we know her better than he does now, so we can make that call. I mean- she's still four years old in his mind, not fourteen. That's the Judith he knows. But I was honest with him that I don't know either . That it should be up to the person who knows her best now- and I told him that person was you."
Oh. Oh. Fuck, he can feel Carls glare burning a hole through his brain all the way from here.
"Bet he didn't take that well."
"He did, actually. Surprised, maybe- but he agreed. Says he wants to talk to you first before she comes in, if you think it's okay for her to see him."
Negan nods. Fuck. He of course wants to see Carl, but at the same time part of him doesn't want to face reality. He doesn't want to know how bad it really is.
He's always been a coward like that. Has always run.
When Negan enters the infirmary and sees him he immediately knows the person in front of him is a far cry from the Carl that's in his memory.
Carls sitting up in the bed, at least, tucked into a little nest of the very most comfortable blankets that existed in Alexandria courtesy of Judith going on a rampage for them all. He's positively swallowed up in all of them, and he looks smaller than Negan remembers.
Seeing Carl again up close is almost surreal. He looks impossibly frail. So gaunt. It reminds him in a sickening way of when Lucille had cancer. He always had a theory that even a healthy person when put into a hospital bed looks ten times worse just by being there.
But fuck, he's so skinny. Frail. It makes him look even more haunted, makes the scarred side of his face look stand out even more. His remaining eye is sunken in, dull. Not full of that fire that had gotten Negans attention the first night he had ever seen him.
He looks broken, and it scares him.
"Hi." Carl says softly, his voice frail and rather small. It sounds so different than Negan remembers- his voice is hoarse, like he hadn't used it in quite some time. He warily tracks Negans every move across the room, not taking his eye off of him.
"Hey, kid." Negan says, flipping the chair around that Siddiq had been sitting on and leaning his arms over the back in an effort to be casual . He's silent for a moment. He's not sure what approach to take with this.
But then he remembers this is Carl- so he takes a gamble.
"Lookin' a little worse for wear, there, huh?" He says, keeping his tone light. He's never been one to skirt the issue at hand.
Carl huffs out a scoff. "Lookin' a little old yourself, huh?" He quips back, cocking an eyebrow at him, a ghost of something like a grin buried under his gaunt features.
Well shit. There's Carl.
Relief washes over every fiber of Negans existence. Somewhere, even if it was just a miniscule part, the Carl he knew had survived. He doesn't know how. And it's buried under so much insurmountable trauma that it's probably barely here. But it is there and that’s all that matters.
What a tough little fucker. Something close to pride wells up inside of him. No- that's definitely pride.
Negan grins at him. He can't help it.
"I missed you and your smartass little self, you know that?" He chuckles out.
Carl nods, and bites his lip. He huffs out something like a sigh, letting his fingers run over the blanket that's covering him.
"Ten years, Siddiq said." Carl murmurs out, not looking at him. "I had no idea it had been that long."
"Mhmm." Negan nods. "Don't worry, I wasn't exactly havin' a party either in that cell for most of that time."
Carl huffs out what might be a ghost of a laugh.
"So what idiot did let you out of jail?" This is apparently his definition of small talk. Which is fine- he's glad Carl's talking at all . Negans grateful for it, because if Carl hadn’t said anything he would have asked the kid something dumb like ‘are you okay’?
Which was just fucking stupid. Of course he wasn’t. Talking about Negans long imprisonment at the hand of Rick was much more up his alley.
"Hmm. That idiot would be Carol." He hums out.
"Really?" Carl says in actual disbelief. "She wanna fuck you or somethin'?"
It's said so nonchalantly that at that precise moment Negan almost dies choking on just his spit alone. Why was this damn kid always trying to murder him?
It's strange to hear those words coming out of Carl's mouth. It seems wrong, out of place. Carl should be too young, or something, to speak them. Only, he's not. By Negans count he’s close to thirty now.
"Uh. No. She didn't want to fuck me. Wanted me to fuck somethin' though, I guess…" He mumbles out, and trails off at the tail end so Carl can't even hear him.
" What?"
Negan waves his hand. "Nothin', nothin." That was definitely a story for a different day. Maybe for never. Hopefully for never. Jesus Christ. How the fuck had they already gotten on this topic?
"So you really stepped up? With Judith? Siddiqs not bullshitting?"
"I did indeed." Negan says quickly, absolutely one hundred percent unequivocally wanting to get off the Ifuckedacrazybaldbitchandsincerelyregretit train. It’s also then that Negan realizes- Carl doesn’t know. He doesn’t know about RJ, that he has a brother. Negans not sure if he should be the one to tell him though.
Carl nods. "Never thought there would be a day where you would know her better than I do." There's a sadness to his tone that sounds permanent.
"I'm sorry, kid." He says softly, knowing that it's true. He wishes it wasn't. "Though, you know- If you don't let her see you today then she'll find a way. Already snuck out twice. Won't stay in the damn house."
Carl grins, nods, and looks down like he knows something Negan doesn't. "Yeah, sounds like you do know her."
He goes silent for a moment before he continues on. "Tell- can you tell me about her?” His tone is different now. More genuine. Negan can tell he’s dropped whatever act he had been putting on before. “What- what do I even say to her? I've been away from her for so long…I've been alone for so long that I don't know if I know how to talk to her. Or, anyone, really."
Negan looks at him thoughtfully.
"Just be her brother, Carl. I know you went through absolute hell and I know you did it all just so you could get back to her. So tell her that. She's smart. She doesn't take any shit from anyone. Honestly- she reminds me a helluva lot of a kid that broke into the Sanctuary all by himself and shot two of my men on a mission to kill my dumb ass."
Carl nods and lets out just a hint of a grin.
"I did do some pretty dumb shit back then, didn't I?"
"Oh, the dumbest . But then again we all did." Negan says with a laugh.
Negan notices the bowl of soup that Siddiq had asked him to make for Carl before. It looks exactly like it had when he'd dropped it off.
"Have you even touched this?"
Carl shrugs. "I had the crackers. I just don't have much of an appetite. I know I should, but. I survived off weird shit for too long that I don't know if my stomach can even handle soup right now."
"Hmm. Well, let me heat it back up for you."
"You don't have to, I'm used to shit cold-"
But Negans already gone. Carl stares at him curiously while he heads to the microwave in the kitchen. Like he's getting used to the idea of electricity and microwaves and appliances again.
Negan has an idea as the room fills with the delicious smell of chicken noodle soup. He walks back over with the bowl and sets it on the table next to him- but out of Carl's reach.
"Surprised you're not forcing it down my throat." Carl says with an eye roll.
Negan shrugs. "If you don't want it, whatever. No skin off my back, kid. More for me if you don't want it."
They sit there in silence as Carl tries his best not to look at the delicious bowl of soup sitting next to him. He's doing a really bad job of it though, and Negan knows it smells really damn good.
God he's a stubborn fucking bastard, Negan thinks.
After a few minutes Negan grabs it himself and has a spoonful. Carl shoots a death glare at him.
" What? If you're not gonna eat it, I am."
It's a moment before Carl speaks again. "Okay, you win. Can I have some?"
Victory.
But Negan holds the bowl up out of his reach.
"Oh? Now you want some of my delicious chicken noodle soup? Now it's good enough for you?"
Carl gives him a look. "I'm literally starving, you asshole."
Negan can't help but laugh and also be surprised at how fast they’ve fallen back into their old routine, into their back and forth banter. He grins at him, sets the bowl down and slides it to him.
"Thanks." Carl says with actual appreciation in his voice.
"What's that I hear?” Negan sings out. “A thank you Negan? Thank you for slaving over a hot microwave for me, Negan? Well- you're so welcome, Carl."
Carl laughs and shakes his head at him. " Dick ." He says with a grin.
Negan seems to have a better idea than most on when Carl needs to be called out on his bullshit and when he needs to be coddled. It's usually the former, Negan has learned. He knows when the kid needs a kick in the ass and when he needs the opposite.
Do not shatter my image of you. You're a bad ass, you're not scared of shit, don't be scared of me, it's a disappointment.
Negan knows most people are going to tip toe around Carl for a long time. They're not going to know what to say or how to act around him. But he also knows Carl just needs to be treated like they used to- because that's the only way he's ever going to feel normal again.
"Holy fuck." Carl says through his mouthful of soup. "This is so fucking good." He whispers out in disbelief.
"Jesus, kid. You picked up a mouth on you."
Carl rolls his eye. "Really? You're giving me shit for swearing, Negan?"
Negan shrugs. "Touche."
Negan’s goading him, purposely distracting him from the soup so he'll eat more without realizing it. The best way to do that is to give him shit.
It works. Carl sits silently, slowly eating at least a few spoonfuls. It's something.
"Fuck. That was really good. I'm gonna be sick though if I have anymore." He pushes it away even though he's only had a few bites. "Haven't had anything like soup in a long time."
As much as Negan wants to see him eat more he knows Carl's right, so he doesn’t push it.
“So. Uh. I need to know. For Judith.” Negan starts, about to ask something he was actually dreading. "Rick- is he…he's dead?"
Carl sits up and nods solemnly, but suddenly looks away from Negan.
"And- you're sure? " It’s absolutely not a question he would normally ask. But after Carl had seemingly resurfaced from the dead after ten years it seemed like anything was possible.
When Carl looks back at him Negan knows he’s pushed him too far based off his glare alone. Shit, shit, shit.
"Pretty sure." Carl snips out. "They tortured him to death in front of me. Took days. We were locked in a room together while he died. And he died slowly. Painfully, like I know you probably wanted for him. They never let me get close enough to help him- just made sure I had to watch the whole thing.” Carls not looking away now. His sole eye is locked on Negans. “When he finally did die they let him turn. I had to put him down before he could kill me. Honestly? I wish I had let him kill me. So, yeah. Ricks dead, Negan. You glad?” He says, cocking his head and looking at him murderously.
Well, fuck.
“Carl.” Negan starts, desperate to dig himself out of the hole he’s made. He honestly doesn’t have any idea what he’s about to say. But he has to say something. He sighs heavily and makes sure Carls looking at him before he continues on. “I am so sorry, kid. There are so many things that life has asked of you that you shouldn’t have had to do. I’m not gonna sit here and feed you bullshit like ‘it makes you stronger’ or any of that fuckin’ shit. Because that’s bullshit. It is, and you know it. Remember what I told you, that night? None of this shits fair? It’s not. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry about your father. I know you know I respected him. Despite what you might think I do care about your family. Think I’ve proven that by stepping up for Judith and-” He almost slips, almost says RJ’s name, but he catches himself. “And I just…I’m sorry. For the record I'm glad you're still here, Carl. I know Judith is too.”
Whatever he said must have worked. The anger is gone from Carl. Instead, it looks like a wave of deep sadness has washed over him and he just nods and looks down at his hands. He sniffles at one point, and it’s almost painful for Negan to sit there and do nothing for him.
They sit in silence for a few moments, Negan chancing a look at him every so often but Carl seems lost in his own world.
“You ready to see Judith?” Negan eventually asks him, as gently as he can.
“Y-yeah.” Carl tells him, almost shakily. “But, uh. I-can you stay with her just in case I…say something wrong? I don't know, I just don't trust myself yet. Still don't feel like I'm gonna know what to say, I don't wanna upset her, she knows you-"
"Carl." Negan interrupts his ramblings. "Of course I will. You won't, though. It's going to be fine. It's just your sister. It’s Judith.”
Carl nods and sits up a little on the bed. Negan starts to walk to the door until he realizes what he needs to say.
"You know." Negan says, turning around. "I lost a lot being locked up. Lost my whole identity. Lost everything. You, uh. You took the time to be there for me and I never forgot that. So if you need to talk- or anything. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it. Just…I'm here, is what I'm trying to say."
"Thanks, Negan." Carl replies sincerely. “I…” He starts, like he’s actually about to start talking about something that’s been weighing on him until he shakes his head and swallows hard. “Thank you.” He repeats, and Negan knows he’s sincere.
Notes:
do you all remember how carl found out about lori being pregnant? yeah he's about to find out about RJ in the exact same way cause that's just the way life goes for lil ol carl.
also. while this is going to be a slow burn it's not going to be quite the slow burn of a thousand suns that I was anticipating. hint hint wink wink.
Chapter 3: since I first saw you
Notes:
For those treading carefully through this story this is a relatively safe chapter, it's just full of lots of Carl whumph. There's a fairly brief moment of Carl self harming and it's near the end-ish of the chapter.
that is all, carry on 🙃
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Negan makes his way out of the infirmary and immediately runs into Judith- actually runs into her, because she's smack dab outside the door.
"Can I iust see Carl already!?" She asks with a glare and her arms crossed. Signature Grimes stance.
"Yes, you impatient little shit." He sighs out, trying to keep things light. “He had to eat something first, s’all. He wants to see you, though."
She rolls her eyes, but then she looks at the door and hesitates.
“Is he okay, Negan?”
“He’s….he misses you.” He can't say Carls okay. He's not going to lie to her.
She chews at her lip for a moment.
"What should I even say to him?" Judith asks him uncertainly, looking down at the pile of clothes in her hand that Negan just noticed. It's all things of Carls he recognizes. Mostly his flannels, that the man never saw him without. And he notices that she even brought a few comic books for him as well.
"Judtih." Negan kneels down next to her, feeling like he’s having deja vu because he had just had this exact conversation with her brother. Shit, they were more alike than they realized.
"It's Carl. Just Carl. He's still your brother. He's been through a lot. He's probably going to seem different- he looks different. But he's still Carl. I can promise you that. Now c'mon. He gets tired, fast, so let's go."
And by tired Negan means he doesn't think that Carl has the mental strength right now to carry on an extended emotionally taxing conversation with his sister.
"Okay." She lets out shakily and takes a step inside. Negan stays with her but also gives them some space, hanging back against the wall.
Judith seems hesitant as she makes her way over. Carl sits up in bed as soon as he sees her, his expression softening. Negan sees him pat down his bangs so they cover the bad side of his face. Jesus, he can't help but think- damn kids still stuck on that.
“Hey Jude.” Carl says gently. Negan can tell his demeanor is completely different than when he was speaking with him- he’s nervous. Cautious. And Negan knows for certain that he’s mapping out every word that leaves his mouth in an effort to not permanently fuck up their relationship.
“Hi.” She says timidly with a smile. Way too formal for siblings that were attached at the hip ten years ago. Carl's about to say something but Judith beats him to it. "Negan make you eat some of his shitty soup?” She says, noticing the bit Carl had left.
He lets out an actual chuckle at that. “He sure did. It was awful.” He pointedly looks over at the man.
From his vantage point in the corner Negan shakes his head and laughs. These fucking kids. Of course two Grimes kids would bond again over their mutual hatred of his culinary skills. Little assholes.
"I brought you, um, your clothes." Judith continues on quietly. "I don't know if they still fit, but." She looks down at her hands. "I…you had that gray flannel that you really liked. You always wore it. Carol made it into a blanket for me, so - so I don’t have it, I just have the blanket, I’m sorry , I-"
"Jude- just come here." Carl finally tells her in a rush and reaches out for her. Relief washes over Negan for the second time that day.
Carl definitely doesn’t have to tell her twice- Judith all but launches herself towards her brother.
"I love you so much.” He hears Carl murmur into her hair once his arms are around her. “I did everything to get back here to you, you know that, right? I am so sorry I was gone for so long. I’m so sorry , Jude."
She shakes her head.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Carl." Judith says softly, and doesn’t pull away. When she finally pulls back- quite awhile later- she sniffles, and then looks down at her wrist.
"I have this, too. I wanted to give it to you." She says, almost shyly. She holds out a bracelet of colored beads for him. Negan recognizes it as one she wears every single day. "It's-"
But Carl interrupts her. "You still have this?" He asks in disbelief. "From- from when you skinned your knee? We made it together because it was the only thing that would make you stop crying."
She nods tearfully.
Negan has never seen her without it. He remembers one day she had lost it and had been absolutely hysterical and he found it under the kitchen table. He had never understood it’s significance.
"Thank you." He says gratefully, his voice cracking with so much emotion and vulnerability as he puts it on. It had been getting tight on Judith's wrist because they made it when she was four, but it hangs off of Carl's arm loosely, highlighting again just how far gone he was.
"Carl. Dad. Is he…?" She doesn't finish her sentence, but he knows what she’s asking.
Carl takes a deep breath and steadies himself.
"He's…dads gone, Judith. I'm so sorry. I’m here, though. And I’m not leaving again, I promise.”
She nods tearfully, because she had known. Of course she had known, but your dead brother showing up ten years later makes you think twice.
"Did he- was it that day? On the bridge?"
Carl just nods silently to her- it's a lie. But it's one that Negan is relieved to see him tell her. Judith never has to know how Rick died. Apparently that trauma was one burden Carl wanted to carry alone.
They sit and chat for a few more moments until Carl seems to finally notice something.
“Hey- where’s my hat at, punk?” Carl asks with a grin.
“Oh, RJ has it.”
A look of confusion immediately comes over him. "Who?”
“I- oh. Shit .” Judith pauses and looks to Negan and gives him an ‘oh fuck’ look.
Negan, though, knows how Carl is going to feel knowing there’s another part of his dad running around Alexandria. He gets up and walks over to them.
“It’s okay, Jude. We all thought you should be the one to tell him."
“Tell me what? ” Carl asks him.
“I-um.” Judith starts out, completely unsure how to phrase this, looking at her hands instead of at him. “So. Okay. I have a brother. I mean, besides you. I mean- we have a brother, Carl."
“Wh- what?”
“Mom was pregnant when…when you both disappeared.” Judith tells him.
Carl looks at her in absolute shock, his jaw dropping slightly. Negan can see the look of concern come over Judith's face as Carl processes it. And then Carl goes from confused, to looking at her in almost disbelief. But happy disbelief.
“I…we- wait , dad had another kid? With Michonne?”
Judith nods.
“Holy Shit.” Carl whispers out. “I- wh-” He’s not able to make a coherent thought for a bit. “What’s he like, where is he? He’s…what- ten, now? Holy shit ."
“Nine. But, almost. He's here. With us. His…name is RJ. Like dad-”
“Rick.” Carl says softly. “Dad…dad would have been so excited. Did- did he know? That Michonne was pregnant?"
Judith shakes her head. “I don’t….I don’t know. You guys ever talk about it, before…?”
“No. No, he never mentioned anything that whole time.” Carl suddenly looks over to Negan. That whole time. Giving away that Rick didn’t die on that bridge. Shit- Negan immediately knows why Carls inwardly panicking. But if Judith noticed she doesn’t show it.
She continues on and tells him all about RJ. Carl grins at her the whole time, seemingly proud as fuck that his little sister is now also a big sister to someone else.
Negan can't help but think his reaction to her is…what had he called him all those years ago? Adorable . It's nice to see Carl show something other than anger and resentment towards something.
Fucking adorable.
But slowly Negan can tell Carl's fading in and out listening to her. He knows he hadn’t slept much the night before and before that well, who knows.
“Hey Jude, I think Carl’s exhausted but he’s bein’ too nice to say it.” Negan suddenly chimes in, patting the bed and trying to signal a natural end to the conversation.
“Oh- yeah. Of course. Okay.” She says, clearly not wanting to leave yet.
Carl grabs her hand.
“I’ll be home soon, Jude. I know I don't look good, but I promise I just need to shower and get some sleep. You can even help me cut my hair, okay punk?" He says with a smile that doesn't reach his eye. But he's trying. Negan can see that.
He can also tell, though, that Carl is guarding himself. Still overly aware of every word and action he takes around her- which must be exhausting. “I’m really tired, though. I think I’m gonna go back to sleep, okay?"
Judith is quick to rush in and give him a hug before she heads out. Honestly, with how jumpy Carl was before, Negan had been hesitant to let Judith too close to him. He knows Carl's swimming in so much trauma that he can't even think straight and he doesn't know what's going to accidently set him off.
Carl tenses just slightly at the unexpected contact but his face, as far as Negan can tell, stays relatively neutral. She pulls away and when he grins at her he thinks he's completely imagined Carl being put off by her hug at all.
Judith and Negan walk out rather silently, only nodding to Siddiq who's on the porch.
When they get outside he looks over at her and it's obvious she’s a mess of emotions. Shit .
Maybe this had been a terrible idea. Maybe he shouldn't have let her see him so soon.
"You okay, kid?" He asks her as gently as he can. She nods.
"He's..." Judith whispers."He's different, Negan. I can just…tell."
Negan nods solemnly. "I know, Jude. Of course he is. But so are you. He just…needs time. He went through a lot."
"I know." She says softly, sniffling. "I think he was trying to be Carl for me. Be himself- be who I remember. But…he's not that person anymore. I don't know if that makes sense."
"Of course it does. Just- please give him time. He needs it. You need it. He fought so hard to get back to you, I know he did. That's one thing I know about your brother- he loves the shit out of you. Nothings going to change that."
She's silent for another moment and then bites her lip anxiously.
"I'm worried he's going to die, Negan."
Negan immediately grabs her shoulder.
"Wh-what makes you say that?"
Judith shakes her head. "He just looks so bad. He looks like he’s dying.”
He sucks in a sharp breath and runs a hand down his face. He can't lie to himself- she's right. But-
“Carls going to be fine- I promise you. ” He tells her in a too confident voice.
And Negan really hopes he’s right.
***
"Hey Jude ." Negan calls from the kitchen a few hours later. He’s going stir crazy in the house and he feels like he’s not where he should be.
"S'kay if Gracie sleeps over? I was gonna head over to the infirmary and give Siddiq a break for a few hours so Aaron's coming over."
She appears on the landing and nods. "Carl needs you a lot more than we do right now."
Sometimes when Judith spoke Negan got the feeling she knew more than him. This was one of those times.
After spending a few minutes chatting with Aaron, who was full of questions of course about Carl, he makes his way over to the infirmary. He creeps silently in where he finds Siddiq sound asleep in his chair next to the bed. Negan had been right- Siddiq definitely needs a break.
When he closes the door Carl immediately jumps up, rubbing his eye. He looks over at Negan with a questioning glance.
“S’just me.” He says softly as Carl settles back down, looking relieved. “You get any sleep?”
“Mhm. A little.” Carl tells him, not looking at him and shrugging.
Negans fairly sure that's a lie. “You sure? You look exhausted.”
“Thanks. I also only have eye.” Carl quips back. "Oh I'm sorry- I just thought we were stating obvious things."
Negan chuckles and at that Siddiq stirs awake. He’s quick to accept Negans offer of being relieved of his Carl watching duties momentarily, and starts to head towards the stairs to go up to the second floor where he lives.
But then there's a sudden knock on the door. Negan immediately looks to Carl, who's sprung up about two feet off the bed and is looking over at it warily, his breath quickening. Siddiq goes to get the door, but it opens before he's even halfway across the room.
It's Gabe, of all people. Negan didn't particularly have anything against the creepy ass priest, but he also wasn't in the mood to entertain him. He huffs out a sigh of annoyance without hoping he's being too obvious about it.
Gabe is more than just an annoyance though to Carl, who's paled considerably and looks like he's about to pop off the bed and murder the closest thing to him like hes Negans own personal attack dog. Negan sees him look around wildly and when he settles on the knife that's in Negans belt Carl stops and stares, fixated on it, and then looks back at Gabe.
"Hey, Gabe… " Negan says in what he hopes is an obvious enough tone to convey that he's in some kind of mortal danger.
Gabe is of- course- oblivious and starts asking Carl how he's feeling. How the man is still alive after all this time boggles his mind. Oh wait- he's alive because Carl had heard him yelling for help all those years ago, a story that made the rounds after his assumed death.
"Carl…" Negan puts a steadying hand on his shoulder but it backfires because Carl jumps at the unexpected contact and lunges forward, grabbing the knife out of Negans belt. He hops off the bed quite stealthily, putting himself between Gabe and Negan.
But Gabe still doesn't seem to understand what's happening.
"Carl, it's only me -" the man starts, holding his hands up, but Carl lunges again at him and he throws Gabe up against the back of the door with much more force then Negan thinks he should have in his weakened state, putting the knife to the mans throat. Gabe hits the door with a thump, his breath completely knocked out of him.
Negan cautiously makes his way over. Carls fixated on Gabe, his breathing heavy, in an absolute trance. Negan doesn't recognize the look in Carls eye. Right now he's not himself.
Negan doesn't see a way out of this that doesn't end up in Carl not killing Gabe and then hating himself for it when he snaps out of this.
So he does something incredibly stupid, and makes a split second decision. He comes up behind Carl and puts him in a chokehold. Carl reacts immediately and tries to stab backwards with the knife but Negan twists away. Negan pulls him back with his arms around his neck and ends up throwing him on the ground, but somehow Carl squirrels his way out of his grasp.
Holy fucking shit when did Carl get this spry? He knew he was always a feistsy little thing, but this was something else. Every time Negan thinks he has him pinned down he gets away somehow.
But Carl's weak, even if he's full of adrenaline, and Negan eventually gets the upper hand and has him pinned down on his back. Carl's panting, his breathing coming in huge gasps, and when Negan looks at him he doesn't see Carl in his eye. He feels like he's looking at someone else. Negan pins his hands above his head and Carl snarls and flails and growls at him in absolute panic.
"Carl, stop. It's just me."
Carl continues to lash out wildy at him and struggles like his actual existence depended on it. He probably thinks it does. It's heartbreaking to see him so distrustful and lashing out in pure terror, or anger or whatever is fueling this, as he depletes himself of any energy he had.
"Carl. It's Negan." He drops his voice down an octave, to something he thinks is more soothing and gentler, like he's tries to soothe a feral dog.
"Hey. You're in Alexandria. It's Negan. You know who I am, kid. It's just me, it's Negan. You're home. You're safe. I wouldn't hurt you."
And Negan keeps talking, and ever so slowly he sees an actual shift in Carls eye and he stops struggling just a little less. He sees Carl come back into himself. He drops his voice to a gentle whisper because he feels like it's working. Miraculously, Carl starts to still.
"Yeah, see? You're home, Carl. You're safe. You're home." He keeps repeating. "You're home. No one's going to hurt you here. You're okay."
And then he sees it- he sees Carl again.
"N-negan?" Carl asks shakily, like he's just realizing who's above him while coming out of whatever had taken hold of him.
"Yeah." Negan nods, relief spreading over him. "Yeah, you're okay. It's just me, alright? I got you."
"O-okay." Carl lets out in the smallest voice he ever thought possible. The kid sounds terrified. He looks terrified.
Carl locks his eye on Negans like the man's the only thing keeping him here . Maybe he is. His breathing is still erratic and Negan thinks he's on the verge of a panic attack if he's not already having one.
"Breathe with me kid, okay? You're home."
Carl nods but doesn't look away. Negan shifts onto his other knee just because he's well, old , and can't stay like this forever, but Carls hand shoots out and grabs his wrist and whimpers .
"M not goin' anywhere." Negan tells him softly.
"C-can you just keep talking to me? I d-don't. I don't want- just, keep saying it's just you, I…" Carl rushes out, his hand still tight on his wrist. He's shaking terribly now, all over.
Negan doesn't know what Carls even saying but at this point he would do anything for him. And not just because he doesn't want Carl to snap and murder them all.
"Yeah. Yeah , of course. You know me. Wouldn't hurt you. Won't let anyone else hurt you either, okay? You're safe. It's me."
Carl's breathing starts to come down, sounding a little less panicked. He lays there in a daze, silently, for quite some time.
"Hey, let's get you off the floor, okay?" Negan finally tells him gently.
Carl nods and starts to push himself off the floor but his legs give out. Apparently he'd exhausted all his strength.
Negan had momentarily forgotten about Siddiq and Gabe. He looks back at Siddiq over his shoulder because he knows that Carls not going to accept help from him with an audience.
"Go." He tells him softly. "Go, I got him."
Siddiq looks at him, unsure, but then nods and silently heads upstairs. Gabe wisely heads out of the door. Negan knows if Carl hurt anyone he'd never forgive himself when he snapped out of it- especially Siddiq. So he wants them all out.
"Can I pick you up? Would that- is that okay? Just to the bed?"
Carl tries to get up again but his body gives out and he finally nods.
"Put your arms around me, I got you." Negan says softly to him as he leans down. He's once again shocked at how easy it is to pick up Carl, at how sharp his bones feel, at how skinny he must really be. Another thing he's shocked at - the way Carl doesn't fight him at all and ragdolls against him, his head resting on the man's shoulder.
And it feels nice. He wonders when the last time Carl had really had any human contact was and then he wonders when he'd himself had any besides a random hug from Judith or RJ. Carls breath is soft on his neck, and even, no underlying panic left. Just exhaustion.
"Negan?" Carl suddenly asks softly.
"Hmm?"
"Can we, um- I feel like I need air. To…clear my head."
"Oh- yeah. Sure. Sure . I'll just be your chauffeur, Mr. Grimes. Where are we off to next?"
Carl chuckles against his neck. "Asshole ." But Negan can feel him smiling.
He makes his way out to the back porch and sets Carl down as gently as he can on one of the sofas. Nice ass patio furniture with coordinating pillows that some upscale family invested heaps into before they were eaten by their neighbors.
Carls silent for a moment and Negan feels like he knows better than to interrupt it. When he finally does speak he takes a steadying breath.
"What happened back there? It's why I can't be alone with Judith. I…it's what they made me into and…"
"What do you mean by that, Carl?" Negans asks softly, evenly.
Carl shakes his head. "I can't….can't talk about it yet. But. I cannot be alone with anyone I could hurt. Don't even give me a chance to hurt her. Or anyone else. And if anything does happen- don't hesitate. Don't hesitate to put me down, Negan, I need you to promise me."
Negan nods. He knows Carl won't take anything else for an answer. "I wouldn't let you hurt anyone, Carl. 'Specially not Jude. Promise."
Carl nods and then goes silent again. A shiver suddenly runs through him. It's not even really cold, but he's far too skinny to keep warm. Negan gets up and shrugs off the flannel he had been wearing and wraps it around Carl's shoulders, who offers him just the smallest appreciative smile and brings his arms around him, gathering the flannel with him. He lets out a contented sigh.
"Thanks." Carl says, softly. Negan smiles at him, and as he moves away his hand slides gently across Carl's back but doesn't linger. Carl doesn't jump or shy away. If anything he moves into the contact.
Maybe it was because he was literally locked in a cell with nowhere to go but Carl's presence to Negan had always seemed like a goddamn gift. He still feels that way, all these years later. And why Carl continuously gravitated towards him was beyond him.
He feels Carl's eyes on him as he makes his way over across the porch, tracking him, like he was making sure the man wasn't going anywhere.
"I…you smoke?” Carl asks him suddenly.
“Do I…yeah- what, cigarettes?”
Carl nods.
“Uh- yeah. Why? You want one?”
Carl does his little half dead grin, the one where nothing reaches his eye. "I’d kill for one.”
“Well shit, I know that’s not just an expression with your little psycho ass."
In his mind the kid should still be too young to smoke. He knows that thought is ludicrous- shit, Carl had killed people in front of him when he was a teenager- but he still can't shake it.
Negan walks over and hands him a cigarette and then holds out his lighter and flicks it on. Carl leans into him to light it which ends up being easier said than done because Carl's hand is shaking almost uncontrollably.
"Sorry." Carl mumbles out to him once it's lit.
Negan shrugs. The shake seems permanent, because he'd had it this whole time. It apparently was something he'd developed when he'd been gone.
They sit in comfortable silence until their first cigarettes are long gone. Negan hands him another. Once they're on their third Carl finally looks over at him under his deranged mess of hair. It's about the same length as it was when he'd met Carl. Meaning the CRM probably had cut it at some point and it's finally grown back out.
"Thank you." Carl says, again, out of nowhere. It's full of too much emotion for it to be just about Carl bumming a smoke off of him, but he's not tracking his thoughts.
Negan raises an eyebrow in question. "For the smokes? Don't need to thank me for that."
Carl laughs. It ends up being more of a huff and a twitch of his lip.
The shake in his hand has significantly improved with each cigarette. Carl's cough pulls him out of his thoughts. The kid inhales and then closes his eye.
"No, for. For Judith and…fuck, RJ." He rubs a hand over his face as he says his second sibling's name like he's trying to remember it - but then again maybe he is. He just found out RJ existed.
"Ain't a problem. They're good kids.”
Carl does his little half huff of a laugh and watches the ash fall off his cigarette as he chews the inside of lip.
"It is a problem because they aren't your kids."
Negans taken back at the underlying tone of anger in his voice. He doesn't know who he's even directing it to. It couldn't be…
"They aren't yours either, Carl."
Carl brings his hand up and his flannel runs down his arm slightly. Something on the inside of his wrist catches Negans attention. A tattoo. Numbers. He can't make them out exactly but he knows what they're for.
The CRM marking people as their property.
Marking Carl as their property.
A possessive rage that he hadn't been expecting fills Negan at that thought and he has to forcibly quell it. It's not something that he should feel over Carl. But still…
"Maybe- '' Carl continues on, breaking Negans trance on his wrist. "But Judiths been my responsibility since I was thirteen." He stops for a minute. "God, she really grew up. I missed so much."
Negan nods because he doesn't know what to say. "She always had someone here for her."
Carl does that half scoff again and turns on him, angrily. "Oh yeah? Cause by the looks of it, it seems like it's only you left. I mean- where the fuck…?" He shakes his head and sighs defeatedly.
Oh. Negan really didn't think Carl would react like this to Michonne's absence for some reason.
"Michonne just left?" Carl asks, his voice tight.
Negan nods. "To find your dad."
Carl ashes his cigarette and Negan notices that the shake in his hand is back, worse than before. Clearly from anger.
"It's bullshit." He whispers out. "Bullshit ."
Carl lays his arm on the patio chair. Negan can see them now. See whatever has been etched permanently on his arm that had dehumanized him down to just a fucking number. He wonders if Carl knows he's more than just that.
Seven- three- one are the three numbers there.
That's all he was to them. Three numbers.
And then without warning Carl puts the cigarette out on the inside of his wrist, right where the tattooed numbers were.
"Carl, no, stop -'' Negan starts, but Carl doesn't. He just looks at him, with a truly dead expression. He seems completely unfazed by the cigarette dwindling out on his skin. Once it's done he throws the cigarette butt off the porch.
"He did that shit so much to me." Carl mumbles out, staring out into the yard.
"...Who? What-?" Negan asks him gently.
"My dad." He stops and shakes his head. "He thought I was just fine, that he could leave anytime he wanted and that I'd just be fine. But I wasn't. Judith was three fucking days old the first time he left me alone with her. She didn’t even have a name yet, and he was already leaving. I was a kid too. She shouldn't have been my responsibility…. I had just killed my mom. I was fucking lost and I needed him."
Negan remembers, so, so long ago at the Sanctuary, how Carl had looked when he had told him his mom was dead- that he'd been the one to kill her. He regrets it now- getting so caught up in thinking what a little badass this kid who had just broken into his home on a suicide mission was. There was so much more to Carl than just that. So many layers of trauma and hurt and abandonment and-
"And- and Michonne has a son and she just fucking left him? How do they think that's okay? It's not. It's bullshit. You know it is, but yet you're still fucking here taking care of their damn kids like they're your own." His voice raises to a level of anger at the end.
Negan doesn't quite know what to say. Carl sits back and runs a hand over his face.
"Sorry. You have any more cigs?" He asks, apparently done with his rant.
"I do." Negan says evenly. "But you're cut off."
Carl narrows his eye at him but then strangely enough seems to stand down.
"Whatever ." Carl mumbles out, looking away from him.
Negan understands something at that very moment. Carl had wanted him to stop him. He had given in way too easily- like he's desperate for someone to give a shit. Negan tucks that little bit of knowledge away for later.
And suddenly he wants to run over to him and shake sense into him, wants to yell "you stupid boy, don't you see there are people who care about you? People who need you here?"
Negan wonders if he should say something to Carl about his little Rick-abandonment rant. But maybe he just did, by cutting him off. He sits and stares at Carl as if trying to gauge what he's thinking just by looking at him. There's suddenly the telltale patter of rain on the roof of the porch.
Carl draws in a breath and brings his knees up, putting his arms around them and rests his head on them.
"Tell me more about RJ." He says softly, looking at Negan. He looks so tired, and small, and beaten down by the world in that moment.
Negan tells him all about the brother he didn't know he had. About what he liked, what he hated, what made him laugh, how good of a sister Judith was to him. How he can be the bane of Negans existence because he has a little bit of Michonne and Rick and Carl and Judith in him and fuck, what a headache of a combination that was. Carl listens quietly, intently, smiling here and there.
After, they sit silently for a moment, listening to the rain and its…peaceful, Negan thinks, except he can almost hear Carl thinking.
"I don't know if…" Carl starts suddenly, his head still resting on his knees while he looks over at him in the dark. "I don't know if I can be what they need, y'know? I'm…" He shakes his head and shrugs. "Everything I did. Everything… It was for Judith. And I don’t - I don't know if I should be here. But I can't leave now. I can't leave her again knowing everyone else has, I…"
"Carl." Negan says softly, drawing him out of his sudden spiral. Carl immediately looks at him with an expression on his face that the man could only describe as lost. Negan has literally no idea why he would be talking about leaving.
So he, against his better judgment, gets up and sits next to Carl on the sofa, a hand reaching out for him and going to rest on his shoulder as it so often did with him. Carl doesn't shy away at all.
"Talk to me, kid."
Carl swallows hard and nods.
"Took me months. To find one that was similar enough. That looked like me. I was careful. I thought I'd thought of everything . But they have my blood. They have my blood, Negan.” He leans towards him slightly, his tone getting more desperate. “I fucked up. If they run it, and it's not the same type…they're gonna keep looking for me. They're gonna know. If they find me, if they find this place, I…." Carl shakes his head. "Be better off if we were all dead."
Negan narrows his eyes at Carl, trying to work out what he had said, but honestly he can't make sense of it.
"I'm not following you." Negan tells him softly, confused, but not wanting him to stop talking. Carl looks at him, irritated now, restless. Does his little nose scrunch of anger.
"Why do you think I was out there for so long?" Carl hisses at him. "Because I had to be sure. That they wouldn't come looking for me. I've been out, away from them for… I don't even know how long honestly. A few years? I couldn't come running home- that would have been too easy. I couldn't lead them here, not right to Judith. When I thought it had been long enough, I found a walker. It took me months- maybe a year- to find the right one. Looked just like me. Took its eye out. Cut its hands off so they didn't have prints, didn't have this." He holds up his tattooed wrist. "But I didnt….I didn't remember they had my blood. Im so fucking…" He shakes his head. "I can't believe I didn't think of that this entire time, I-"
"Carl ." Negan says softly.
Carl looks at him, panic written across his face.
"It's gonna be okay. You have us now."
Carl huffs out another laugh and shakes his head. Scoffs at him, like Negans a child.
"You have no idea what they're capable of, Negan. Shit you used to do? Burning peoples faces off and all that bullshit? They'd laugh at you if you told them that was a punishment.” He looks off into the dark.
Negan may not know what the CRM was capable of, but he knew one thing for sure though. Carl has that look. The look of someone who wants to run.
"Carl. Do not leave." Negan says as sternly and sincerely as he can. "Judith, she…she won't survive it. Not if anyone else leaves her. And definitely not if it's you leaving. Not again."
Carl studies him for another moment, gives him another scoff.
"She won't survive if the CRM finds me either, Negan. No one here will."
Notes:
it has been a while since I've thrown this out on a fic, sooo...cats? tacos? leave me some of either. :)
Chapter 4: since I could stand on my own two feet again
Notes:
Helllooo everyone! i am deep in the trenches of my busy season at work so i come bearing depressed and rather nonsensical ramblings, though I'm hoping these ramblings just illustrate carls whacked out mental state as usual (or maybe my own, i'm not sure).
Carl goes into a *teensy tiny* bit of detail about his time with the CRM in this chapter- nothing too detailed, and it's pretty much everything that I have listed in the tags. I'm writing the CRM as some strange mixture of unit 731 (their human experiment shit, at least) and the CIAs MK Ultra (which if you're not familiar with and have a decent amount of time on your hands you can find more info about here: https://www.paperlessarchives.com/FreeTitles/ARTICHOKECIAFiles.pdf).
As a big heads up trigger warning HEYYY carl does something at the end of this chapter that VERY MUCH will resemble someone self harming/ attempting suicide- but it is not. I explain further in the next chapter, but i wanted to give a heads up as it does SEEM that way until you read further. This was supposed to be one ol big chapter but i was at 10,959 words, sooooo......
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The war ends rather unexpectedly. And it ends, on all accounts, because of Rick's son.
Negan- previously infallible in his every endeavor- lets himself slip because of Carl. Because the kid had gotten inside his head, had told him (in a letter, no less) that things could be better.
'Maybe you think we're a lost cause and you just want to kill all of us. I think you think you have to be who you are. I just wonder if this is what you wanted. Maybe you'll beat us and if you do, there'll just be someone else to fight.
The way out is working together. It's forgiveness. It's believing that it doesn't have to be a fight anymore. Because it doesn't. I hope my dad offers you peace. I hope you take it. I hope everything can change. It did for me. Start over. You still can.'
Negans on his knees with his throat slit when he utters ' Carl didn't know a damn thing. ' Carl, who had run up at the sight and appeared at Ricks side in a panic, silently begs his father with just a look. Its a look of sheer devastation written all over him because this wasn't how it was supposed to be. He thought he had convinced him, thought his dad would just listen to him.
'You have to find peace with Negan. Find a way forward somehow. We don’t have to forget what happened, but you can make it so that it won’t happen again, that nobody has to live this way, that every life is worth something.
Start everything over. Show everyone that they can be safe again without killing. They can feel safe again.'
Carl, who hadn’t felt safe in a very long time because of his fathers own words to him so long ago in that church, wanted exactly what he could never have for everyone else.
Negans dying. His wound is deep and the blood starts to pour down his neck in waves and well- that's that.
But when Rick looks at Carl he realizes that he's made a mistake.
He knows , because the look of betrayal that crosses Carl's features cuts right through him and he realizes then that Carl- his own son- truly had presented him with the only way out. The only way forward from this.
Carl watches in shock as he sees Rick stand down.
Negans taken to the infirmary, and patched up by Siddiq, who's also only alive because of Carl.
And when he wakes, Carl- of course- is there, telling him to shut up for once in his damn life asshole, partly because talking would be really excruciating, and also because he has absolutely no place to say a single word and should be grateful he's still breathing.
Carls rather smug.
But beneath Carl's glare, though, Negan sees something else. Something he can't quite place- maybe because he's swimming in a haze of agony.
If he didn’t know any better, there's concern hiding there.
Carl, in a roundabout way, saved countless lives on both sides that day. Which is why when Negan finds out the news that Carl is gone he’s so livid. How there was no one there for him. He wished to anything that he wasn’t in that damn cell and that he could have saved him.
***
The porch falls into silence, save for the hum of insects around them. That sound is something Negan continues to find comfort in- it’s stayed constant even through the end of the world. It reminds him of home and his childhood and summer. And then he looks to Carl, someone he realizes barely even had that - barely was allowed to be a child, or carefree years to grow up in. And he wonders, again, what that does to a person.
But he pushes those thoughts aside as he so often does with Carl and pulls out a deck of cards from his pocket, setting them on the table next to him. Carl looks at them curiously and then an odd look passes over him.
"You recognize these?" Negan asks him.
Carl swallows hard and nods, and immediately looks away from Negan.
"You kept those?" Carl says in a tight voice.
"Sure did. When you went missing- when we thought you were dead. It uh- didn’t seem real. Seemed like you'd walk through that door and come down and play these damn cards with me like nothing ever happened. Only- you never did."
A strange look crosses over Carls features instantly. Negan can't pinpoint what exactly he's thinking, besides maybe a deep rooted sorrow.
Carls quiet for a long while, looking out at the pond behind the infirmary, until he finally speaks.
"I thought…well, my dad and I thought everyone assumed we were dead and that was that. And we were glad because we didn't want anyone to come looking for us and end up with them, too." Carl starts softly, his fingers pulling at the inside of the sleeves of his flannel that he has bunched around his hands like he's trying to dissolve into it.
"But it's been so long that I didn't think people still thought about me, or….” He stops, and looks up at Negan. “It's just so crazy seeing things of mine still here. You still had my clothes- why? The cards. Jude had the bracelet, it’s just…I wasn’t expecting anyone really to remember me. I mean, I knew they'd remember my dad, sure. He was, y’know- Rick . I was always just…an afterthought. Rick's son."
Negan draws in a sharp breath without meaning to. Because it actually hurts to hear how little Carl had valued himself and his presence in Alexandria. And he can tell Carl really and truly believes what he’s saying.
“Carl- of course we did. You have any idea how devastated Judith was after you went missing? Or Michonne? Or Siddiq, Alden? Rosita, Aaron? Shit, you even think of me?”
Carl pauses at that, bites his lip and shrugs. “Well, yeah- of course you missed me. You were stuck in that cell, what the hell else were you gonna do?" Carl says it too lightly.
Negan knows Carls making a joke of it, but he's not about to fall for that shit. He's angry now- angry at Rick, for some reason- for turning his son now into someone who felt he was just an afterthought.
No, no. Carl was so much more than that.
“Even when I was outside of that cell I still missed you." He hopes his tone conveys his sincerity.
Carls eye narrows at him, like he’s trying to figure something out, like he's trying to read him but can't. Like he’s trying to believe what he’s saying, but can’t. Or won’t.
"You were never an afterthought for me, kid." Negan tells him, a little too sincerely. And at that Carl gifts him with just the ghost of a grin- meaning it was very genuine- and with a little bit of light in his eye that Negan hadn’t seen yet.
They play war, like old days. And Carl beats him- like old days. It's another comfort- something they had taken and carried with them all after all these years. A game of chance that always seemed to tip in Carls favor probably just because the kid had more good karma coming his way.
It turns out there's something else that Carl would kill for apparently besides a cigarette- a hot shower. He skirts around the issue entirely, but Negans able to read through the lines and realizes that although Carl does trust Siddiq he seems to feel safest when Negans around. It's endearing and a little heartbreaking at the same time but Negan understands it and can't help but revel in it.
Carl assures him he thinks he can stand long enough, and although Negan isn't quite as convinced he's not going to stop the kid. He knows the value of a good, hot shower and how much better Carl will feel after.
Carls in there for a ridiculous amount of time- as Negan expected he would be. Not long enough for him to be worried, but… okay, maybe almost long enough for him to be worried.
Another few minutes tick by.
Shit- how long has it been? Carl should absolutely be out of there by now.
Just when hes about to say fuck it and barge in he finally hears the shower shut off and he relaxes at the sound of the proof of life.
"Is this…uh, mine?" Carl asks when he eventually makes his way out.
Negan turns around to see Carl shuffling towards him looking rather comical. The sweatpants he has on are his own, they're just large on him now. And he's wearing a Led Zeppelin hoodie, only it's not an old one of his. He looks much more like his old self now and an ache settles somewhere because he can almost picture the old Carl now.
"It's Judiths." Negan says through a laugh. "Well, no- it's mine, but she stole it so much because it's the warmest thing I own and comfy as shit . So she just ended up keeping it. Guess she wants you to have it now." He says with a grin.
It hangs well past his hands, the sleeves falling loosely around him and the bottom of it almost goes to his knees. He looks up at Negan from his ridiculous mess of wet hair and bites his lip, looking like a rather cute drowned wearing a Zeppelin hoodie.
Fuck, thar kid really was adorable . Wait- what the fuck did he just- ?
"What?" Carl asks, mirroring his own stupid ass thoughts and probably wondering why the man was staring at him like a fucking idiot.
“N-nothing. Here.” Negan hands him some tea Siddiq had left. “It’s to help you sleep.”
Carl eyes it rather suspiciously. It takes Negan a second to realize that of course Carls going to be wary of anything that might dull his senses at all. And the last thing he wants is for him to think he's being forced to do anything.
"S'kay kid. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to. It's not gonna knock you on your ass or anything, though."
Carl still looks at him warily. His eye is red, and it's obvious he had finally succumbed to tears in the shower. Good. Kid probably needed a good cry.
"You’re safe here. I wouldn't let anything happen to you, Carl." The affection his voice holds surprises even him when he says it.
But at that Carl nods and finally takes a cautious sip. Well, shit . That little fucker really does trust him, to some extent.
Carl finally gets in bed and they sit there in comfortable silence for a few moments, Carl sipping slowly on the tea. Negans astonished once again at how very small he looks, especially curled up in the bed. He's like a shell of his former self, and that was saying a lot considering there wasn't a lot of him to go around to begin with.
"Beds a lot comfier than I remember it being. But then again last time I was in it I'd just gotten my eye shot out, so." He shrugs and grins at him.
Negan laughs. "Shit. That bed's godawful, are you friggin' kidding me? But then again I'd just had my throat slit." Negan laughs more and then they laugh together at the ludicrousness of it all. "We're quite a pair, huh?"
Carl's looking up at him with such fondness suddenly that the man knows right then and there that he has to stop denying that Carl doesn’t care about him- in some way. In what way he doesn’t know. Because fuck, that’s a rabbit hole he can’t go down right now.
They fall into a comfortable banter, talking about the Alexandria residents that Carl knows and also ones he doesn't know. He can tell he's having a difficult time grasping just how much has changed here over the years.
"Siddiq tell you about Coco?”
“He did." Carl says, nodding and grabbing one of the crackers Negan had put there, hoping he would take the bait. Kid really needed to eat more. "Good for him. Rosita's hot.”
Negan chuckles sadly. "Well- she's dead."
Carl looks at him in surprise, a look of genuine sadness coming over him. "Rosita? Really? He- he didn't say anything."
"No- he probably wouldn't have. He's been quiet about it."
"Yeah, that sounds like him. Shit. She was a badass, didn't see her dying. Not before me, at least."
"Not before you? You're like the patron Saint of badassery, Carl."
Carl laughs half-heartedly and then he's silent for a moment, processing Rosita. But he'd lost too many people to dwell for too long. It was just the way things were. "Heard Alden has a kid too- kind of?”
“Hmmm. Adam. Real proud of Alden. He turned out really good."
Carl smiles fondly. “So what about you?" He asks in a strange voice as he drinks his literal tea and pries about Negans life.
“What 'bout me?”
“You uh…have kids of your own that aren’t my siblings? Wife? Wives ? A hidden brothel?" Carl shrugs.
Negan huffs out a laugh. “Hidden brothel..." he mutters out under his breath while shaking his head. This fuckin' kid. "Hmm. Yeah, no. No, I think I've exhausted my allotted amount of wives in this life. And Judith and RJ are more than enough for me to handle, so.”
Carl nods. "Still trying to wrap my head around RJs….existence, for the record. I wan t to meet him, I just…"
Negan scoffs at him. "Don't worry about RJ. Tell you what. I'll take that worry off your shoulders right now- you'll meet him when I think you're ready. Don't need to rush things."
Carl nods, obvious relief passing over him. "Thank you."
It's the second time that it's been clear to Negan that Carl just wants someone to give him even just a little guidance in his otherwise very out of control existence.
Carl looks around suddenly at the room, as if he's taking it in for the first time. He becomes hyper focused on the blanket below him, and Negan follows his gaze, trying to see what he sees, but….there's nothing.
Carl seems to space out. He lets him be for a moment. A few moments. A minute.
"Hey. Kid." He says softly, finally wondering where Carls damaged little brain trekked off to.
But Carl doesn't respond.
"Carl." He tries. Nothing. He holds a hand in front of his singular eye, waving it like an idiot. Nothing.
He lets him be for again, putting a gentle hand on his knee, trying something else.
"Kid, I'm gonna need you to give me somethin' here."
Nothing. And now he's panicking because this is not normal. In desperation he takes Carls face in his hands. "Hey. You in there?"
Carls a completely blank, emotionless canvas, his eye dull and listless and lifeless.
Negan sits back, entirely freaked out.
And then suddenly he's there. Carl comes back into himself and tells Negan the crackers are good in a rather casual voice. What the actual fuck.
"What?" Carl asks, completely put off by Negans startled expression.
"You- you just took a mental trip to Aruba and back, kid."
"'Scuse me?" Carl says with a quirked eyebrow.
"Totally checked out. Bags packed. Gone. Whoosh." He makes a motion above his head because he doesn't feel like words alone are getting the point across by how freaked how he was about Carls mental lapse.
"What? Oh- like I just spaced out and stopped and talkin' and shit?" He quips out extremely casually.
"Yeee-Uh. Care to explain?"
Carl shrugs. "Seen it happen all the time. Honestly didn't know it ever happened to me." His face screws up as if he's considering the idea.
"You have no clue you just checked out?" Negan asks, still in a slight state of shock.
Carl shakes his head. "How long was I gone for?"
"Solid five minutes, I'd say."
"Oh." He's so incredibly casual about it.
"Oh?" Negan mocks, completely alarmed.
Another shrug. "Seen it happen to guys for way longer. Seen it happen permanently."
"What?"
"The governments done this shit before, Negan. You're old, you should know this. Mind control experiments and shit like that."
Negan searches his brain for anything to help make sense of what he's even going on about. But he's coming up blank.
"What- what the fuck are you talking about, Carl?”
"I dunno. These guards named Donny and Mac told me all about it. Said the government called it 'project artichoke'." He says with a creepy little grin.
"I…what- what's funny?" Negans lost. Carl just looks at him as if he’s totally missing the joke- which apparently he fucking is.
"They turned people into vegetables…? Artichoke...?" He holds a hand up at Negans obliviousness.
Negans eyes almost bulge out of his head with the absolute ludicrousness of what Carls saying. It can't be real. Maybe he's just our of touch with his bad guy Negan side and more in touch with his babysitters club for Ricks children side.
"Kid that's really fucked, what the actual fuck? I mean I’m a rather fucked individual and I wouldn’t even fathom coming up with that.”
Carl shrugs and eats a cracker. “I thought it was funny.”
“What about that is funny?!”
“I mean. It’s fucked. But- it’s creative.” There's that creepy soulless grin.
Negan shakes his head in disbelief and really wishes Google was still around. What the fuck was carl talking about? Somewhere, maybe in the far corner of his brain, he remembers vaguely hearing some absolute mumbo-jumbo from conspiracy theorists back in the day about CIA experiments that were fucking with people's brains. But that was all bullshit- right?
"Do you…do you feel okay?" He finally asks.
Carl looks around at the room and shrugs.
"I feel like…." He squints at him with his one eye. "Feels like when you can't remember a word. But like. My whole head feels like that about everything?"
"Okay." Cause what else is he supposed to say?
"And I've felt like this before- guessing this probably has been happening to me all along. Just never knew ‘cause I've been alone for so long."
The idea of Carl, out there alone and literally out of his mind with walkers and god knows what else around him is enough to make him physically ill. The kid must have 9 lives nine times over and he's burned almost through every single one of them.
"None of this seems real." Carl whispers out after a moment.
Negan questions him with just a glance. As much as he wants to continue to chat about human vegetables created by the government he's glad for the change in conversation.
"Being…comfortable. Clean clothes, being able to eat, shower. it's just- it's different. I dunno, I think I was out there too long." He runs his hand over the blanket, almost eyeing it warily. "It's just…so strange to be back. Doesn't seem real."
Negan nods. "S'how I felt after I got out of that cell. I didn't have any, y'know, choice in my life for so long that when I got out honestly didn't even know what to do. Where to go. You know I used to actually go sleep on the bathroom floor once they let me out because the space of a whole entire bedroom just…friggin' freaked me out. Just wasn't used to it."
"Yeah. Yeah." Carl agrees with a nod, and Negan realizes that Carl does in fact know because, just like him, free choice had been stripped away from him for so long. His gaze settles on Negan for far too long and it's like they're both communicating some fucked up connection that they share.
"I didn't want that for you, just so you know." Carl says softly.
"Didn't want- what, for them to keep me in there?"
He nods.
"Well- then what did you want?" Negan questions gently. Carls face falls and screws up in some unreadable emotion.
"I don't know. I really don't. But not that. I know you're not everyone's…favorite person, but. You're smart. You do know how to lead when you get your head out of your ass. Same was true for my dad. Which is exactly why you two didn't get along. You're… you're someone I'd want on my side when shit gets bad, you know?"
Negan doesn't know what to say to that. It's quite possibly the most genuine thing anyone's ever said to him- at least in a very long while. He settles on simply looking over at him rather affectionately. Carl doesn’t hold the gaze for long though, and he’s rambling on again a second later. Possibly because he realized that what he said was overly genuine.
“It's just….everyone has lives . Kids. Families. I don't really know what I have now." He says softly, no doubt feeling like he had absolutely missed out on something over these last ten years.
"You have a family, Carl." More than even I do, considering I've adopted your fucking siblings.
Carl shrugs. "I just…I guess I wasn't expecting everyone to just be gone when I got back. I can't raise Judith and RJ alone. I'm way too fucked up. I don't even trust me around myself, let alone two kids. I'm scared somethings going to happen and I'm not going to be able to stop myself."
Negans brow furrows in confusion, because he kind of understands what Carl is getting at but also- that kid loves the shit out of Judith. He wouldn't hurt her.
"What do you mean by that ?" He asks, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible.
Carl sighs softly, running a hand down his face.
"The CRM…they have ways of making you do whatever they want, Negan. And I don't mean through just being convincing - I mean that they actually weaponize people. What you saw with Gabe? That was me barely slipping. I was still lucid, I knew what I was doing, i just couldn't pull myself out of it at first. But… if I fully lost it? You'd all be dead. Or I would, at least, because that'd be the only way to stop me. They just had their ways of controlling us, and just because I'm away from them doesn't mean they didn't totally break me."
"How…what did they do to you, Carl?" He asks it gently, hesitantly, not really wanting to know the answer but needing to. And also shocked that Carls talkign about any of this.
Carl shrugs, still seemingly distracted with the blanket at his hands. He doesn't look at Negan when he finally does talk.
"Torture- but I'm sure you already knew that. Every kind you can think of. Rape. Drugs. They isolated some people for a long time- I didn't get much of that because people took a special interest in me 'cause of this." He points to his missing eye and laughs hollowly. "Wouldn't let us sleep, or eat. Made us do shit to other people being held with us. The drugs, though. They really fuck you up. Make you see shit. Like hallucinate. It's ….it was just fucking terrifying. One of the guards told me it's them breaking you down so much so they can actually give you another personality. One they can control. And they can control you once they put you through all that. It's like I actually become another person, and I'll do whatever they say."
He swallows hard, finally looking at him.
"Someone here is going to have to know how to get me to stand down if I snap again. Only thing is…whoever knows- that person would be able to make me do anything. Anything. I'd jump off a building if they told me to. I'd kill Judith if they told me to. Literally anything. I'll remember after, but when Im in the middle of it? I'm completely at someone else's mercy. I want that person to be you."
Oh no no no. Nope. Absolutely not.
"Carl…" Negan starts, because, fuck, what is he supposed to say to that?
"You. You're the only one I'd trust. I'm serious. I know you'd never let me hurt her. You'd put me down first. I know you would."
Negan nods, only because he literally can't say anything. He doesn't trust himself to talk.
"Why…why would you want someone to have that power over you at all? If the CRM isn't here, then-"
"Because something might set me off- and I never know what it could be, or when, or …If no one knows how to stop me? The only way would be to kill me."
Negan nods, feeling his head buzzing with what Carl had just told him..
"That thing with Gabe, then…what stopped you then?"
"You." He says simply. Negan wants him to elaborate, wants to ask him exactly what he did, but he doesn't feel like it's his place right now.
"Okay." Negan says, not looking away from him.
"Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I can tell you…we'll. Whatever. We'll talk. I'm tired." He says with an air of irritation that seemingly came out of nowhere. Negan, of course, isn't going to fight him on that one. He wants this conversation to be over.
"C'mon. How about you try and get some sleep, alright?"
Carl nods and finally lays his head down, pulling the blanket up around him, but tension is literally still rolling off of him in waves. He’ll probably be hypervigilant for the remainder of his life- literally hard wired to be on alert at every second of the day.
Honestly he has no idea how the kids still alive. Sheer stubbornness is the only explanation.
“Negan?” Carl asks suddenly, in an extremely different tone than the one that was laced with irritation just a few seconds before. It's soft and timid and has an almost small edge of fear to it and it immediately gets the mans attention.
“Hmm?” He hums out lightly.
“Can- could you stay? While I sleep for just a bit? I trust Siddiq, but. Just think I'll sleep better if it's you here. Though- if Jude needs you- you don't have to stay that long, I don't sleep more than an hour or two-"
Oh, this kid. Always so worried about his damn sister. Never himself.
"Carl, stop . Yes. I'm not goin' anywhere. Jude and RJ are with Aaron, they're good. Get some rest, kid. You need it."
Carl immediately relaxes and nods as he pulls the blanket up around him. He puts his hand under his cheek on the pillow and for once he looks entirely relaxed. Peaceful, almost, under the blanket and wrapped up in Negans old Zeppelin hoodie. His breathing evens out quickly, and Negan can tell he's already sleeping, probably out of just sheer exhaustion.
Carls fucking precious like this.
And then again he asks himself what the fuck.
He has to face it sooner or later, Negan thinks, as he sits there and watches Carl sleep, peaceful and dead to the world for once. The lines on what he is to Carl- and what Carl is to him- have been blurred since the second that kid set foot in the Sanctuary.
He supposes it all started as just respect. The minute he saw the way Carl was glaring at him that night in the clearing, coupled with the way he had told Rick to just cut his arm off- that took fucking balls. And he could chalk that all up to a fluke, but Carl ended up proving that fluke theory wrong again and again.
He was like a fucking thorn in Negans side, only Negan was kind of a masochist so he liked it. And he kind of liked Carl - he's just not sure in what way yet.
All he does know for sure is he feels a burning, fierce protectiveness over him. But he can live with that. Because after all he'd been through, Carl deserved to have someone to be protective over him.
He watches him sleep, studies every line of his face that now looks so damn peaceful and less haunted, his cheek resting on his hand like he's never known a horror in his life. His scar is on full display, and Negan finds himself studying that the most. How its such a shocking contrast to the rest his features. The empty socket that adorns his face is fucking poetic almost in a way.
Because Carls pretty. He has no problem admitting that he's always thought that, even when he first met him. He's not blind, he's just always considered himself attracted to…the female variety. Usually. Not always though. Especially not when they're as pretty as-
Why he is even thinking about this?
He forces his head to change his train of thought entirely. Total brain reset. He settles on specifically the fucked up things that Carl had told him had been done to him.
He had mentioned drugs. Drugs that caused hallucinations .
Negan- obviously- had dabbled in his share back in his prime. He had dropped acid exactly one time when he was nineteen and had woken up behind his cousins Christmas tree with a garden gnome in his arms and his pants down. So that was all he had to know to decide that he was more of the Marijuana and liquor persuasion. He'd take cotton mouth and a hangover any day. Maybe that made him boring, but if it kept him away from trying to fuck a garden gnome he was fine and dandy with that.
The idea of drugs being forced onto Carl- especially anything strong to make him hallucinate- was horrifying. Carl, all thirty pounds of him, tripping on acid? No fucking thanks. It's a thought he wants to wash his brain of entirely.
Tortured, weaponized Carl, tripping on acid ?
Jeeeeeezus. If the wires weren't crossed in Carls brain before they absolutely are now.
As if he can sense what's going through his head Carl stirs awake next to him suddenly, pulling him out of his thoughts. Negans honestly not surprised that he's already unsettled- he knows if you're out there alone that sleeping for long periods of time isn't safe, smart or really even possible . Carls probably been trained over all these years- even before Alexandria- to survive on very small increments of sleep.
His eye shoots open and it seems like it takes him a second to get his bearings straight. When he realizes it's just Negan he immediately relaxes, his face softening at the sight of him.
"Get back to sleep, kid. That didn't even count as a fuckin' cat nap."
"Mmm." Carl rubs his eye. "No. No, I'm fine. Go see Jude. I'm up." He says groggily.
"Bullshit you are." Negan chuckles.
"No- I am ." But he's really not. Carl rolls onto his back, slaps a hand over his face and is out cold in about two seconds. Negan can't help but chuckle at his stubbornness.
Two hours later Carl wakes again, probably because he was actually almost snoring to Negans amusement. He once again looks around and the second he sees Negan he lets out the breath he was holding.
"How long was I out for?" Carl asks, his voice again heavy with sleep.
"I dunno. Ten minutes? You're good, kid." Okay, so it definitely was more like two hours, but it seems to pacify Carl and he immediately burrows back under the blanket, pulling it up to his chin and letting out an actual sigh of contentment and pulling up the sleeves of the hoodie around his hands ever more.
Negan wonders how long it's been since he's slept and actually felt safe while doing so. Probably the whole ten years. Probably since he had slept in his bedroom in the house that Negan now calls home, in the room that's now RJs.
He honestly hopes the kid sleeps for a friggin' week straight.
A whimper escapes Carl at some point, and Negan almost jumps up out of his chair with how unexpected it was. He looks over and realizes he must be having a nightmare of some sort. Again, not surprising. He really doesn't want to wake him up- Carl needs the rest. But he doesn't want him to suffer through it either.
He reaches out a hand and runs it over his cheek in a surprisingly gentle manner.
"S'kay, kid." He says softly, but it doesn't seem to have much of an effect.
"I'm right here. You're safe. You're in Alexandria. Won't let anyone hurt you, okay? I won't."
Carl, though, continues to burrow into the pillow.
"Carl. Shh. It's okay." Crossing those lines again. But at that he completely quiets, almost immediately. Negan wonders momentarily if Carls subconscious had responded to the use of his name.
The way his hand is hanging off the small bed shows the tattoo on his wrist, and he once again finds himself staring at it. He wonders if that's all Carl had been referred to as over the past 10 years. Just a number- and no wonder hearing his name settled him.
Guilt settles deep in his stomach because he remembers that's exactly how he had dealt with those under him at the Sanctuary. His workers were just numbers, assigned at random. Maybe this was god punishing him.
Another hour passes. Which finally turns into Negan falling asleep in the chair next to Carls bed. And before he knows it he’s being shaken awake- but not by Carl.
“Negan. Negan wake up!"
Negan jolts awake, entirely confused as to where he’s landed himself.
“Negan- where’s Carl?” He finally identifies the worried voice as Judiths.
“Wh-” Negan starts but then jumps up when her words finally process in his head. Carl. Judiths standing there looking at him fearfully. The beds empty.
“I- I just fell asleep Jude, I’m sure he’s here. Don’t worry.”
“There’s blood, Negan! All over the floor. Where is Carl?”
That’s when he sees it. The bloody tracks leading to the bathroom door. Blood all over the floor. On the door itself, on the handle-
Negan shoots up so fast the chair that he was sitting on topples over as he sprints to the bathroom.
"Stay here, Jude."
What the fuck was going on? That was absolutely definitely blood. The Led Zeppelin hoodie Carl had been wearing is thrown on the ground. And then there's more blood. All over the hardwood floor and on the door and-
He turns the knob on the bathroom expecting it to be locked, but to his surprise it turns. He's relieved for a second until-
The first thing he sees is more blood. He doesn't even see Carl, curled up on the floor and clawing at the back of his neck like he's possessed. He's in only a white t-shirt which is absolutely drenched in blood.
"Get Siddiq and do not come in here." Negan yells out to Judith. She nods and sprints off upstairs, tears already falling and her face all screwed up in worry. He was absolutely not going to let her see her brother like this.
What had she said before, right after she first saw him? 'I'm worried he's going to die, Negan.'
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Notes:
this was SUPPOSED to be the slow burn of a THOUSAND SUNS but like i just can't, guys.
Chapter 5: the day will come when you won't be
Notes:
hi hi hi hi. I apologize for the trainwreck that this chapter is. It's ridiculously long and I apologize for that too but this chapter was actually originally combined with the lasttttt chapter sooooo 🙃🙃 you're welcome.
This does start off with a little bit from Carl's time with the CRM. It's really nothing too crazy (like, I've written a lot worse I feel) but if you'd prefer to skip that part you totally can with no effect on understanding the rest, and the Alexandria part picks up where after the second block quote part. Carl experiences extreme sleep deprivation and is given psychoactive drugs in order to break him down and essentially give the CRM a clean slate with him and alter his personality at their command (think, if you've seen it, Marvels Winter Soldier). Anyhoo that's where we're at. Again, though, it's nothing that I go into crazy detail yet in this chapter.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
then
["Maybe this isn't a world for children anymore, Rick."
"Yeah well, we have a child. Carl is here, in this world now."
"Maybe he shouldn't be. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be."]
The concrete below him is cold, but sometimes it reminds him of sleeping on his bedroom floor when he was home. And it may be cold- but it's still better than sleeping in the cot next to him. Because sleeping on the ground was his choice and there's something to be said for that.
He's exhausted. So, so tired. He doesn't know how long it's been since he's been able to sleep, but it seems like years. He could drift off, so easily-
There's a light suddenly in his eye, and a loud shout.
"Up." It hisses as someone grabs his jaw harshly and shakes him.
He remembers being enraged over Negan taking their mattresses back in Alexandria. How hilarious that is now- he'd give anything to be home, mattresses or not. He'd sleep in the fucking street and thank him for it.
A deep sorrow hits him any and every time he thinks of Alexandria. He misses everything about it- everyone. But he can't afford to think about them, not now-
"Up." The voice repeats, and kicks at him with a boot. He lets out a low growl and slinks back as far as he can into the cell. Like a rabid dog. Which is exactly what he feels like he's turned into. A numbered, rabid animal. He's past the point of starvation. He doesn't even want to accept the water they've forced down his throat- at this point he's trying to die.
"Let him be." Another voice cuts through the air sharply, and he looks up in confusion as someone new enters the cell.
He doesn't know this man. He’s short, bald. His energy radiates ecentricness. He’s never seen him before, though he already knows he's the same as all the others. All the nameless, faceless others who have been in here with him who have used him-
"Look at him when he's speaking to you." The guard next to him instructs suddenly, and he grabs him by the scruff of the neck.
The new man says something that Carl hasn't heard in so long. So long. He thinks he's hallucinating. He probably is.
"That's your name?" The man repeats. Carl cocks his head at him and sits up.
He has his attention. Maybe this man isn't like the rest. If he knows his name.
"Speak with you're spoken to." The guard snaps at him, sharply, the tone of his voice grating Carls nerves painfully. Because everything hurts right now and he just wants to fucking sleep-
"Yes." He hears himself say without even realizing it. The man studies him silently for a few more minutes before he starts.
"Carl Grimes. I'm Warden Minto. We have yet to meet but me and you…we're going to get to know each other very well.” He sighs and folds his hands. “You want to sleep, no? This all must be very frustrating, I understand. Your brain needs rest. It must sound…delicious. Just a moments rest. Do you know what's happening to you? Do you even see me in front of you?" The man waves a hand in front of his eye. "I know it must be very hard to tell what is real and what is not . But I can assure you this is all very real."
Carl does nothing, because he's not even sure why they're doing this.
"You were chosen because of your exquisite mental resilience. And I believe you will go quite far.” He steps forward and takes Carls chin in his hand and makes him look up at him. “And that’s exactly what is going to ruin you. It’s poetic, really. The harder you fight the more you will break yourself. The more we’ll be able to break you .”
Carl glares at him and yanks his face out of Mintos grasp, who chuckles at him.
“You were young, when the dead started walking?”
Carl stares at him, emotionless, wavering in his spot still but unblinking with his one eye.
“And you’ve suffered, since then, I can see.” Minto points to his own right eye, as if it wasn’t already obvious what he’s talking about. Carl narrows his eye at him, as if he can communicate in some way that the man is a fucking moron.
“Tell me- have you ever seen an eagle?” The man asks. What?
“At the zoo, perhaps? When you were a child? Did your father take you? He’s right in the other room- we can ask him ourselves.”
Carl shakes his head fiercely at that, because no. No he doesn't want dad brought into this. He’s not entirely sure he’s not hallucinating at this point. What the fuck is this asshole even talking about? What the actual fuck? He supposes even if he is hallucinating that he wouldn't know the difference.
“Or maybe your mother…?”
Carl just narrows his eye at him again.
The man smirks- an ugly, evil fucking smirk that makes him want to claw his eyeballs out.
“Eagles…they represent- well, they represent a multitude of things. I’m sure you know. Freedom-” the man laughs at that- “quite ironic to be talking about that here, really- no?” Another low chuckle. “They represent transcendence, and power, and strength. Did you know that you can break an eagle, though, quite easily- despite all that they represent?”
Carl still gives him nothing.
“Dover.” The man says, and suddenly the guard steps forward and grabs Carl by the chin, shining a light into his eye. Carl jumps back but a hand grabs at his hair, making him stare forward into the light.
“Just a simple yes, or no, was all I needed. And we could avoid all these… frivolities." The man says with a chuckle. "Really quite simple. And it’s also really quite simple to break the will of a noble creature like the one I was just telling you about. Even the most stubborn of animals-” he laughs- “like yourself. It’s really quite easy. Exhausting the eagle. That’s what it’s called, did you know that? You simply don't let it rest, and eventually it loses its will. We will break you. There is nothing you can do about it. It’s unavoidable.” He stands up, and walks a circle around Carl, who feels himself start to drift off now that he's not focused on the man anymore.
There’s a scuff mark on the wall, and suddenly he’s focused on it. If he just focuses, long enough, maybe he can just fall asleep-
The man says something that doesn't register to Carl and all of a sudden a loud crash is heard. He knows this sound. Has become very accustomed to it over the past 6 days. He jumps from his spot because the sound is physically painful to his overtaxed system. Oh god, he just wants quiet, he needs quiet. He needs sleep.
“Exhausting the eagle. You see, to train an eagle, you simply exhaust the will out of it. Sleep deprivation. Extremely effective. Not messy. Not painful for anyone else but you. In fact- it's entertaining for my men to watch.”
Minto is handed a pill and a hand goes to his jaw. Even in Carls dazed state he knows what this means. Instinctively he bites the hand- hard- before he's being backhanded and kicked away.
"Mutt. Ought to muzzle this one." A new voice mutters. They start towards him again but Carl scrambles back as far as the restraint lets him.
"Don't." Mintos voice cuts sharply suddenly. He approaches him rather calmly.
"You will take it obediently or you will not take it at all. And you will take it. Dover. 730- bring him in."
Carls brain slowly treads through what those numbers mean. He hears only static, and then his brain makes the connection and without his permission a strangled "no" leaves him because he does know what those numbers mean.
There's a sharp sound of metal- it’s piercing, and he physically recoils from it. Sleep sleep god he just wants to lay his head down-
He must have actually laid down because there's a sudden sharp pain from his hair being yanked up again. But then when he looks up he sees someone familiar and he's almost overcome with relief- until the exact opposite hits him in his scrambled, exhausted brain. Because no if his dad is here-
"Carl." His dad's familiar, soothing voice chokes out. It should be a comfort- having his father here. But it just serves to make him more panicked, because he knows- he knows- they're going to use him against him in some way.
"Dad." He sobs out, his voice cracking and choking on the word.
He hasn't seen his dad in so long. The days blend together now and he has absolutely no concept of time but it seems like months. Years?
He looks like Carl feels- exhausted, starved, beaten down. His right eye is swollen and black and his clothes are falling off of him much like Carls.
Carl shakes his head at him, knowing they aren't going to be happy at Ricks use of his name.
That was who he was now. Just 731. It helps, too- to separate the old Carl from who he is now. Helps him forget what his life was like before and what it is now. He is just 731.
He looks up again and suddenly it's not his dad there- it's his mom. He hasn't smiled in what feels like eternity but he is now because she's here and he's so happy. She's really here and things are going to be just fine.
"Mom?" He asks in happy disbelief. He had missed her so fucking much and he had so much to say. He'd lived with a heavy guilt hanging over him for so long about how cruel he was to her right before she died. He hadn't meant to- he was just terrified of her having a baby, he was scared and he'd been such an asshole. More time- he always assumed he would have more time with her.
She's kneeling down next to him and her presence seems so real that it has to be. Her hands go to his face.
"Oh baby, I'm here. You have to be strong, okay? Get back to your sister, okay? She needs you, honey."
That seems impossible though. Home. It doesn't seem like a real place anymore. His sister doesn't seem real anymore. He doesn't want to go back to Alexandria, he wants-
"I- I can't, mom. I can't. I don't wanna do this anymore, I just wanna go home. Back home with you and dad before any of this happened, I don't wanna be here anymore. I'm sorry. I know I deserve this, but please. Please. Please, mom." He doesn't know when he started to cry, he only knows that he is. And impossibly, Lori brings her arms around him.
"Carl, sweetie. I am so proud of you. I know your father and I have asked so much of you- too much of you, baby. More than anyone should ever ask their child. And I am so sorry for this. But, baby, you are so smart, and so strong, and you are going to get yourself out of this. I promise, you will. You. You are the only person who can get yourself out of this, and get yourself home. So you listen to me, Carl. You listen to me right now.”
***
"147. That's how many hours your son has been awake."
Rick watches his son from just a mere few feet away but it might as well be miles because there's nothing he can do. Watches him talk to his dead mother like she's there and he's positive it's the most painful experience of his life. Hears him say he deserves this.
He turns to the man next to Carl.
"Please, if you tell me what you want I'll do anything, just please-"
"Nothing you can give us." The man snaps. "He…the boy is special." A sudden maniacal grin breaks out and he claps his hands together, a sound that has Carl jumping up again from his spot on the ground because any sound was agony . "But you know that! You're his father. Of course you know that."
Ricks not above begging. He'll do anything-
"Please- he's- he's just a kid.”
The man nods feverishly. "And yet his mental resilience- his will- is unparalleled. Exquisite. You must have instilled it in him at a young age. Or- perhaps. It was the end of the world crumbling down during those formative years, no? Either way. He's fascinating. Unfortunately for you, you serve no further purpose for him right now other than breaking him."
“Why him?”
Minto considers Rick for a moment, pausing. “Because of his general disposition. And…it's not common to come across anyone his age. Most are dead. He's the perfect subject. All of those formative years spent adapting to nothing but survival. He's perfect.”
"What do you want? If you would just tell me-" Rick begs. The man doesn't let him finish his sentence.
"Obedience. Just pure, unquestioning obedience from your son."
"He- he will-" Rick stutters out desperately but the man laughs again.
"He will not !” The man screams suddenly in a rage, making Carl startle again and glare at him, seeming to snap him out of his hallucination.
He chuckles again manically, all rage gone.
"He will not because of this right here." He takes Carls head in his hand forcefully, painfully, digging his nails in until there was blood. Carl snarls at him. "He is your son, after all. You should know him better than anyone? The way he looks at me- tells me all we need to know, I think."
"No, no he will-"
"Stop. Immediately stop with your inane pleading. It will get you nowhere." The man is angry again, but when he looks back to Rick he's rather calm. "You misunderstand me, regardless. He will obey, not because he wants but because he simply will. He will have no choice. He will no longer be doing any thinking for himself. That will be all me. A mind can only can go through so much trauma before it breaks down and acquires an entirely different personality to absorb all of that damage. And thats exactly what is going to happen to your son."
He stops, walks a lap around the cell, eyes not leaving Carl.
Rick watches his son closely, as a strange look comes over Carls features. His one eye is glassy, unfocused, staring at something beyond them all that no one else can see, probably because it doesn't exist. And then he smiles, almost manically, and Ricks stomach drops. He's talking to Lori again.
Rick shouldn't be surprised- after all, he'd also seen Lori during his darkest moments so it shouldn't be a shock that his son is, as well.
But it is heartbreaking and he isn't even aware that he has let out a sob until he hears it and thinks that it came from someone else entirely.
"What did you give him?” He asks them weakly. “You're going to kill him. You can't keep dosing him with LSD-"
"Enough." The man snaps. "Enough. He's hallucinating. Sleep- or lack thereof- it controls ones visual processing.”
They watch silently as Carl talks to his dead mother, and Rick actually looks away at one point because he can't watch this. He can't.
"The mother- is she dead?"
There's a beat of silence, and Rick considers not answering but he knows ultimately that it will all just come back on Carl if he's defiant at all. "She is." He says shortly.
"Hmm." He hums out, and then looks away from Rick. "11 days. That's how long the human body has been known to go without sleep. Your son is currently at 6."
Rick swipes at his face and looks down at Carl desperately. If they would just tell him what they want. He still doesn't understand why they're doing this.
"You're…you're going to kill him. Stop this."
"No." The man says lightly. "Oh no no. My goal is not to kill him. At all. That would be a waste. What I am going to do is break him. He'll certainly be damaged. He will not be recognizable as your son. So to you- he may as well be dead. Which won't be any of your concern, regardless. Because your son will kill you. At my command- he'll do it obediently and willingly."
He watches as a guard opens Carls jaw and feeds him a tablet, which he knows is LSD. Carl doesn't even fight it at this point, because honestly he doesn't look like he's aware of what's happening to him. He just looks dazed, unmoving from his spot, already so far gone from being deprived of sleep for so long.
Rick's genuinely fearful that Carls not going to come out of this. And if he does- it won't be the son he knows.
In that moment he wants to go back- he had fought so hard for Carl to have a life. But not this life. Lori had been right that night. He wished he had just let him go that day when he'd had the chance.
[It didn't cross my mind, Rick. I can't stop thinking it. Why do we want Carl to live in this world? To have this life? So he can see more people torn apart in front of him? So that he can be hungry and scared for however long he has before he…So he can run and run and run and run and then even if he survives he ends up.. he ends up just another animal who doesn't know anything except survival? If he.. if he dies tonight, it ends for him. Tell me why it would be better another way.]
"Bet you never thought you'd be happy to see me, huh kid?"
Negan. He can’t believe he’s here, but…. he is. Carl runs over and actually barrels into him with a hug. He doesn’t know how he’s here- but he’s not asking questions.
"Really got yourself mixed up with the wrong crowd of assholes, didn't you?" Negan chuckles to him, staring down at him with his usual ridiculous grin. Carl doesn’t understand how he can be smiling. Doesn’t he understand ?
The back of his mind tells him none of this is real. He knows that. But he wants it to be real so bad that he just simply accepts it.
"Negan, you have to get me out of here. Please- or just, fuck- just kill me. I can't do this anymore, I just want this all to stop.”
Negan looks him in the eye and puts his hand on his shoulders.
“Carl. Kid, you got this . You’re a fuckin’ badass. Remember that. I need you to remember that, okay?"
Carl shakes his head feverishly.
“No. No, I’m not. I wanna go home." He whispers the last part out desperately, as if he's willing it into existence.
Negans expression turns gentle suddenly. Indescribably gentle.
"I know. And you will. I promise you will, kid. Alexandrias still your home. Your sisters safe. And you will come home. You just need to get yourself out of this shit. You. No one is coming to help you. It has to be you."
"I can't-"
"Yes, you fucking can Carl." All that gentleness is gone. Negans face has turned fierce, almost angry. "You can. You will. You need to come home, Carl. Judith needs you. I need you."
And then he's gone. Negans replaced by terrors that he didn't even know his mind could create because at this point he's slipped so far out of reality.
[“She doesn't have to be afraid anymore. Hungry. Angry. It hasn't stopped happening, Rick. It's like we live with a knife at our throats every second of every day. But Jacqui doesn't. Not anymore. And then...I thought, maybe Jenner was right.]
****
now.
Blood. There is blood everywhere. And in the middle of it all is Carl, clawing at the back of his neck like he’s possessed.
Negan spots the razor that Carl must have come across sitting on the floor next to him and his first thought is that Carl was trying to end it all- because what else could this be?
He dives down next to him carefully, not wanting to set him off anymore- but he can't watch him hurt himself anymore. He grabs both of his blood coated hands and Carl lets out a startled gasp at the realization that Negan is there. His whole body is shaking and his breath is coming in panicked gasps.
"They were here Negan!" He screams out, trying to pull his hands away weakly, his voice terrified and desperate and pained . "Theywerehere, they knew where I was, it's the tracker- I thought I got it out but I didn't because they were here. They can't find her, Negan, I need to get it out, you need to help me, they can't find me because then they'll find Judith, and I can't- " He rambles out all at once nonsensically.
"Carl, stop , please just listen to me. No one is here besides us. No one that would hurt you."
Carl growls at him in defiance.
"They are! They were right fucking here, I-"
Then all at once Carls face drops and he pushes Negan away from him weakly and tries to scramble backwards rather pitifully. but he actually slips in his blood on the floor.
"You- you told them didn't you? It's not the tracker, it's you." He hisses out at him, and his face is full of so much distrust and hurt that it's almost painful. It's clear that Carls mind is completely scrambled right now.
"Carl ." Negan drops his voice down to the gentle timbre that always seems to calm him. The one Carl had responded to last time with Gabe, and he prays he can talk him down again like last time. "Hey. No. How about I take a look, okay? See- see if there's anything-"
Carl snarls at him though and recoils. "Don't fucking touch me, Negan. Where's Judith?"
"She's right outside." Negan says calmly, trying to seem unfazed by how Carl was acting even if he's actually freaking the fuck out . "She's right outside the door."
"Let me see her then." Carl snarls combatively.
"I'm not going to let her see you covered in blood, Carl. This isn't how you would want her to see you- I know it's not." He keeps his tone even and calm and everything he is not currently feeling.
Carl goes silent and then studies him. He cocks his head at him like he's trying to figure something out.
"When I was at the Sanctuary what song did I sing to you?" He asks softly.
"Wh- what ?" Negan stutters out.
"Answer the question, Negan." Carl says it like he doesn't trust that it's him . Poor kid was more fucked up than he imagined.
He sighs defeatedly- maybe Carl would eventually stop fighting him when he ran out of blood.
"You are my sunshine' ."
Carl starts to open his mouth, probably with another question but Negan keeps talking because, fine, he can play this game too.
"You told me to jump out the window. Because you hated me oh so much. And then I took you back to Alexandria and made you spaghetti. With rolls. And lemonade. And made you wear a ridiculous ass apron because I'm an asshole. And you gave me a tour of your humble little abode in the suburbs… met Jude for the first time. Gutted Spencer because he threatened your family. Which I will never regret. I can keep going if you want."
Carl just shakes his head and looks down at his blood covered hands.
Thank god. If Negan still had a resume he would add 'professional Carl Grimes tamer' to it because he has a stellar track record with it.
Carl goes quiet, sitting in a daze from the blood loss and the dream that had clearly thrown him into whatever breakdown he's having. Negan wants to just grab him in that moment and hold him and make sure no one ever hurts him ever again- including Carl himself, since he seems so hellbent on it.
"Hey. I think Siddiq is gonna have to look at this. That okay?"
Carl shakes his head in terror. But, shit. He's going to have to, and the kid is losing blood fast. So Negan tries another route."What….what happened, Carl?"
Carls gaze flits back up to him and he bites his lip.
"I woke up and they were right there in the corner . " He points over to the innocent looking corner of the room nearest the door. "I couldn't move. At all . They probably….they probably gave me something like they always do. And then they were just gone. It's the tracker . That's how they found me. They put it in the back of my neck but when I got away I thought I got it out. I couldn't have though if they were here . I have to get it out, Negan. They'll find us, they'll find Judith and they can't. Please , you have to help me. " He reaches for the back of his neck but Negan goes to stop him. He's clearly about to dive headfirst into another panic attack, his breath already becoming shaky. "Please."
"I am going to help you, okay Carl?" Negan says gently. "Let's…can I look at you? Would that be okay? You trust me? To tell you if I see anything or not?"
"I…" Carl starts, unsure. "O-okay. Yeah. Just you though. Just you."
Negan nods, trying to be reassuring. "Just me, kid. You know I wouldn't hurt you, right?"
He moves behind Carl slowly, every move he makes calculated. When he brushes Carls hair to the side, though, he truthfully can't see much through the blood.
"Christ, kid. Did a number on yourself." Negan whispers softly, looking at the scarred over skin on the back of his neck from when he had previously cut it out. "So you tried to pull it out when you first got away?"
"Mhmm. First thing I did. I had to do it quick- and run after. Couldn't get it to stop bleeding and I passed out after a mile or so. Remember thinking I was dying. But at least I was dying alone and not with them. Would have been on my own terms."
Negans glad Carl can't see his face at that moment. See his features cloud over in worry as he tries to not picture him alone and bleeding out and dying . He truly thinks whatever was there is gone, but the blood isn't slowing down. He really needs to get Siddiq in here to get him stitches.
"There's nothing there, Carl. It's gone." He whispers out lowly.
"But how-" Carl starts.
"They're not here right now." He tries to say with an air of finality. "You're safe. So is Jude. She's right outside that door. It's okay. "
"They were here." He insists again, but it's with a lot less intensity and sounds more like he's trying to convince himself, like he's confused and he's trying to piece things together in his mind. "They were here and I couldn't move, and I…." He fades off in confusion.
Negan nods. He knows there's no convincing him about that right now. Then something clicks- something Carl had said. I couldn't move, they probably gave me something like they always do. Sleep paralysis. That's absolutely what had happened to him. Only- he can't worry about that right now while Carls still losing more blood every second.
"How about I sit with you while Siddiq fixes this up? And then you can see Jude."
"Okay." Carl says softly, nodding. He's starting to waver in his spot on the floor, and Negan anticipates that he might pass out from blood loss sooner rather than later.
"You'll…you'll stay?" He asks Negan almost timidly.
"Uh huh. Of course. Can I carry you to the bed?"
Carl shakes his head. "No. Here's…here's fine."
"The… bathroom floors fine?" Negan questions, brow furrowed in confusion on why he would want to stay here in a literal puddle of his own blood.
"Only one door to watch in here." Carl whispers out.
Oh. He wonders how much of Carls brain had been rewired after his time with the CRM and also from growing up in a damn apocalypse. If he didn't care about Carl he'd find him endlessly fascinating.
"Okay." Negan says softly, not wanting to push him. "Okay. Let me go get Siddiq. You good for a second?"
Carl nods and before Negan gets up he swipes a hand across Carl's forehead affectionately. He doesn't know why he does it. Maybe because, for just a moment, he thought he was walking into Carl trying to kill himself. And that had been too much. The thought that Carl was that broken.
But he wasn't. Not yet, at least.
They can't find Judith, Negan. Carls words run through his head. How his only concern is Judith.
She's been my responsibility since I was twelve. He wonders if Carl even values himself as anything more than just Judith's protector. Does he know that people actually care about him, too?
No, actually. He doesn't. I was always just an afterthought.
A fucking afterthought.
Judith is sitting on the porch in a positive puddle of emotions and he takes a moment to calm her down. He reassures her that Carls okay- in a sense. He keeps things simple but he also doesn't want her to assume the worst as he had- that Carl was really trying to hurt himself.
"He hasn't slept well in a long time, Jude. And sometimes when that happens you just have more vivid dreams when you finally do get to rest. He woke up really disoriented. But he's okay, and he's already asking about you, of course."
She nods tearfully and turns around. And shit, Negan feels terrible because now he was being split between all these damn fucking kids and just fuck you and all your kids Rick Grimes, how was this his life?
Because Judith needs him, too. But he has to remind himself that, right now, she has Aaron and Gracie and Alden to lean on, while Carl seems to trust only him.
"Jude, come back here a sec." He says as she heads off. She turns around, wiping a hand at her face and sniffling. He grabs her into a tight hug and when he pulls back his hands go to her shoulders.
"I know we need to talk. I promise you we will. It's just that Carl-"
"Negan. Go help Carl. Don't worry about me."
Negan smiles down at her. "He said the same thing about you, you know."
She grins and nods and then heads off, and shit he wants nothing more than to go after her and make sure she's okay but Carls in there bleeding out- so unfortunately he takes precedence on his mental ladder of 'which one of Rick's kids is currently more fucked up and needs his attention more.' Then again, he supposes Carl will always have that spot.
He’s relieved to see Siddiq there because he knows that if Carl doesn’t get stitched up soon they’re going to have even bigger problems on their hands.Negan gives him a rundown quickly of what's going on with him.
"And when you go in- tell him something only he would know about you."
"Wait, what ?"
"He's convinced that we're…them. He didn't trust that it was really me, made me tell him something that only I would know about him to prove it."
Siddiq nods in understanding and they quickly head back inside.
Carl looks up weakly from his spot on the floor as Siddiq walks in. He starts to say something but Siddiq beats him to it.
"Two cans of peas. Because you were helping the traveler- the person without a home. And that’s…"
“Everything.” Carl finishes for him with a very weak smile.
Negan has absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, but it immediately puts Carl at ease, so he must have said something right.
"Shit, man.” Siddiq whispers out. “If you wanted Negan to stop talking about himself you could've just said so. Didn't have to do this just so I’d come hang out with you again."
Carl actually laughs at that. "Well, you know Negan. Hard to get rid of."
"That I am..." The man says with a chuckle.
But he doesn't miss how Carl keeps his eye on him. How his hand moves ever so slightly towards him.
And then Carl wavers in his spot unsteadily again.
"I- I think I maybe need to lay down?"
He falls forward and ends up collapsing into Negans lap, giving into exhaustion and blood loss. He looks up at Negan, confused and rather dazed.
"I got you." Negan whispers to him. "Siddiq needs to look at that, okay? You've lost a lot of blood, s'why you don't feel good."
He moves onto his side, head still in the mans lap, so that Siddiq can look at what he's done to himself.
"Don't let him pass out." Siddiq murmurs to him as he looks at the back of Carls neck and Negan nods. "I think this might need stitches, Carl. Have to get this to stop this from bleeding."
Carl immediately looks up at Negan. "Can you just like, knock me out or something? I…I don't trust myself to not do something stupid. You saw what I almost did with Gabe."
Negan shakes his head. "I'm gonna be right here, kid. I won't let you hurt anyone." Negan says softly.
They're becoming his mantras to Carl.
I won't let anyone hurt you.
I won't let you hurt anyone.
Carl nods.
"Stay right here and just keep your head in my lap, okay?"
"Okay." Carl says softly, clearly starting to nod out.
"Hey, it's just me." Siddiq says as he feels the back of his neck. "I know you've obviously gotten stitches before but have you ever been awake for them?"
"Oh yeah. All the time when I was….gone." Carl shrugs. A nice oversimplification of when I was held captive and tortured on a daily basis.
"Well, then you know it'll pinch a little. You will definitely feel something, I don't have a local."
Carl shrugs slightly. "S'fine, they never gave me anything. As long as I don't hurt you ."
"You won't hurt anyone, Carl." Negan tells him, trying to be reassuring. Carl looks up at him and nods.
So Siddiq starts, and Carl, of course, is fine. Negans stomach drops at how little reaction Carl has towards being sewed shut with no anesthetic. If anything- he seemed more relaxed than before Siddiq started.
"You good?" Negan asks him halfway through, and he runs a hand through Carls hair.
"Yeah." Carl tells him, casually, like he's commenting on the nice weather. "Yeah, I always kinda liked it weirdly enough. Honestly sometimes the pains a nice distraction. S'like…when you get a tattoo."
"Huh." Negan says thoughtfully. Maybe he's right. He sees Carls eye start to close and he gets a little lost in watching him. He wants him to be this peaceful all the time, he wants-
"You still with me, Carl?" Siddiq asks.
Oh, fuck. His one task, and he'd let Carl drift off. He puts a hand under Carls cheek and shakes him, and his one eye opens blearily.
"Hmm?"
"Need you to stay with us, kid." Negan tells him.
Carl just mumbles out something in affirmation but nuzzles into Negans hand sleepily like he's a drunk puppy. Maybe his brain is fuzzy from the blood loss because this is not normal Carl behavior.
"C'mon, Carl. You gotta wake up more than that, okay?"
"I am up." He hisses out, rather petulantly. His eye finally focuses on him but it's soft and he can tell Carls drifting between states of consciousness.
"You ever had a blood transfusion?" Siddiq asks him.
"Oh. Yeah. Like…half my blood is from my dad. And not just cause he's my dad . Cause like. I kept getting shot. A lot. Heh." He laughs softly.
Jesus Christ. What is this kid even talking about? He was definitely feeling that blood loss.
Negan runs his thumb over Carls cheek- the scarred one- and Carl continues to lazily focus on him, his eye not drifting even slightly. He’s once again struck by how stupidly pretty Carl is. And shit, he's really toeing the line here on appropriateness towards someone who's half his age, but he also can't really find himself to give a fuck. He tells himself it's only because Carl is in pain, and he's trying to comfort him. But-
"Carl, did Negan ever tell you 'bout the time him and Alden were working on the windmill?" Siddiq asks suddenly with a laugh.
"Oh god." Negan laments, but he knows why Siddiq is asking him. Something to keep Carls attention, to keep him from drifting off into a state of unconsciousness that he may not come back from.
"So, these two idiots are up there. We'd had a bad storm and one of the blades was damaged. It's like nine thousand degrees. Alden knows his shit but Negan doesn't want to take orders from someone who used to be one of his workers-"
"That was absolutely not what was going on." Negan cuts in with a roll of his eyes.
"Different viewpoints. Anyways. Negan goes to try and give his opinion, comes up behind him and in that exact moment a yellow jacket stings Alden on the elbow. He of course has absolutely no idea what happened and throws the hammer backwards. Right square into Negans face ."
"Specifically my nose." Negan says flatly.
"Man is unrecognizable for two weeks. Looked like a raccoon." Siddiq laughs out.
"I couldn't even see anything my face was so swollen."
Carls looking up at him with a certain gleam in his eye despite being on the verge of passing out from blood loss. He still hasn't looked away from Negan except now he's got this stupid, lazy grin on his face.
"Karmas a bitch. Y'know you deserved that, asshole." Carl laughs out weakly.
"Har har har." Negan responds flatly.
"Woulda paid good money to see that." But then Carl closes his eye again and Negan can tell his breathing is already leveling off.
"Carl. Hey, kid, you really gotta stay up." And instinctively his hand goes to Carls face, grazing gently across his forehead and soothing him but also trying to rouse him without being too rough.
"Mmkay." Carl whispers out, his hand landing on Negans wrist.
"You think he needs a blood transfusion?" Negan asks Siddiq, who shakes his head.
"I don't. Not yet. Just keep talking to him, keep him awake, we'll get him food when I'm done and that'll help."
"You sure?"
Siddqs face clouds over at that. It's strange, especially for a man who never shows any kind of emotion besides being perfectly level headed.
"No. No, Negan, I'm not. What do you want me to do? Run a whole blood count down at the lab ? See how low his levels are? I'm guessing here, like always. You know how useless that makes me feel?" Siddiq snaps out at him in frustration.
"I- I'm sorry." Negan says softly. "Sorry. I just-"
"I know." Siddiq backtracks. "I know- it's Carl. But I'm doing the best I can for him right now. I care about him too."
Negan nods and looks back down at Carl who just seems like he's becoming increasingly disoriented.
"I'm so tired of running from them.” He whispers out, lost now in his own thoughts and sounding entirely defeated, more dazed than ever.
“Hey.” Negan grabs his jaw with more force than he meant to. “You look at me. You’re done running. You’re home. And safe. I promise you. Now I need you to sit there and let Siddiq fix you up so you can stop bleeding everywhere before Judith loses you, too, you stubborn little asshole."
Carl just stares at him and then finally gives him an almost imperceptible nod.
"If something happens to me you'll keep her safe?" He asks in the smallest voice Negans ever heard come out of him.
"You already know I will. But stop that now. Nothings going to happen to you."
Siddiq finally finishes up the rest of the stitches quietly and then heads out to grab food for him because he seems to know better than to ask Negan to leave Carls side.
Carl certainly seems less frenzied than when he first found him, though extremely dazed. He finally agrees to let Negan carry him back to the bed and even lets him change him out of his blood soaked t-shirt, but Negan doesn't miss the way his eyes dart around at every door, hypervigilant as always.
"You okay, kid?" Negan asks him once he's in bed. He swipes a hand over Carl's bangs, brushing some of the hair out of his face. It would have been in his eye if he had an eye on that side. Carl looks up at him, exhaustion clearly written all of his features and then leans into the touch slightly of the hand that's still on his forehead.
"Mmhmm. Just tired." He mumbles out softly.
"I know. Just wait til Siddiq gets back with this food for you. I want you to eat something ‘fore you fall asleep."
Carl nods but closes his eye. Negan doesn't take his hand away from Carl and he finally voices what he's been wondering. He knows he's been handsy with him- but then again that really wasn’t anything new.
"This- is this okay?"
"Yeah." Carl says in a small voice. "When I was out there, it was, uh. Lonely, y'know. So. It's nice."
Negan gets it. Carl knows he gets it.
"Thank you.” Carl continues on. “For not letting Jude see me like that. I heard her but … shit, I don't know. I was so fucking convinced they were here. They…they used to give me drugs that really fucked with me. Made me hallucinate, see all kinds of shit. Did…other shit to me that made me hallucinate. That's honestly what it felt like. So I'm sorry I didn't trust that it was you, I -"
But Negan quickly shakes his head at him. "Hey. None of that. You don't have anything to apologize for. Vivid dream is all it was. Sure it was enough to rattle anyone. You ever heard of sleep paralysis?"
Carl looks at him in confusion. "Heard of what? "
"Sleep paralysis. All that happened to you was that you were having a nightmare and you were woken up at the wrong time. Wrong… cycle, or whatever they call it, of sleep. You couldn't move because your body can't move in that stage of sleep. No one was actually here, kid."
But Carls quiet still, seemingly unconvinced. "It seemed really real, Negan." Carl wraps his arms around himself and suddenly the man wants nothing more than to go over to him.
"I know. I know because it's happened to me before and it's freaky as shit. But you have to trust me on this, okay?"
Carl nods."S'just feel like I'm losing my mind half the time still. My heads been clearer since I got away, but. I dunno. It’s still hard to tell what’s real and what’s not." He stops and looks around, like he's lost.
"Can I um. It's cold.” Carl starts before he can even get up to grab him something. “Could I have that hoodie back? I don't think I got any blood on it. I took it off, before…"
Negan chuckles. "Shit kid, of course you can. Lemme grab it. Probably cold from all that blood you lost.”
He jumps up to grab it and helps Carl get it over his head, avoiding the fresh stitches.
"Y’know now that your hairs all dried I can see it's been returned to its natural state of maximum….fluffiness." Negan tells him with a grin.
Carl chuckles and shrugs. "S'happens if you have shampoo for the first time in like, 5 years.”
Negan huffs out a laugh. “I missed it. You’re like a hedgehog with that hair. You get mad, and just- poof. It's like it gets fluffier. Every time you looked at me, just felt the hair fluff up. You were very threatening.”
“Shut up jackass.” But Carls actually smiling at him. “Is this, um. The shampoo you gave me. Is it yours?”
“Yeah- why?”
Carl shrugs. “Oh. I just… like it.” He says, almost kind of awkwardly.
“Well it’s yours then, kid.” Negan shrugs.
"No, I mean. I like it on you ."
Negan almost chokes on his spit because he just hadn't been expecting that at all .
Did Carl just- was that him trying to-
No.
Negan searches the recesses of his brain for anything to make himself look less awkward.
"Did you just- did hell freeze over? It's chilly in here. Did you just compliment me , Carl Grimes?"
Carl shrugs extra casually, completely unaffected by Negans awkwardness.
"Complimented your shampoo. Not you." But he can’t hide the ghost of a smile that’s there.
"Hmm. Seems like kinda the same thing." Negan says with a laugh.
"Maybe." Carl smiles but then suddenly goes quiet for a second, looking at the blanket. The moments passed, clearly. It was almost like Carl caught himself being happy and then put a conscious stop to it. He finally looks up at Negan. "Can you check on Judith?"
He sighs internally. Part of him wants to fight Carl on it because he doesn't think he should leave him right now, but the other part knows that he isn't going to win this battle.
"Okay. But I'm having Siddiq come sit with you while I go."
"Neg-"
"No . Do not argue with me on this." Negan says firmly, hoping that his tone alone gets his point across.
Carl just nods, though Negan senses that he wants to complain.
Too fucking bad.
Siddiq finally comes back with soup and bread- the only thing Carl says he can stomach.
He makes his way out fully expecting to see Judith sitting on the porch and she of course is, hugging her knees and looking rather small and pitiful and he feels that massive weight of guilt roll over him. There’s a chill to the air that he hasn’t felt in a long time- fall is settling in. It’s a nice contrast to the sweltering days they’ve been having.
He sits down next to her and slings an arm around her. She jumps at the sudden contact but relaxes when she realizes it's just him.
"You okay kiddo? I know all this is hard, I-"
"I'm fine." She says shortly. If he closed his eyes it could very well have been Carl saying it. He wonders if it's just in their genes to default to acting like they don't need anyone ever when actually that's exactly what they need. She looks down at her feet.
"Oh come on. It's me. You know I'm not going to accept you lyin' to me."
She shoots him just the smallest of grins and then shrugs.
"Carls just…well, besides RJ he's the only real family I have left. I need him to be okay."
Negan nods. "Look Jude. I'm not gonna promise you anything."
She looks up at him in surprise.
"I’m not. I'm not gonna bullshit you. Carl always said that's what he liked about me. He wasn't a whole lot older than you when I first met him, but I never bullshitted him. I don't know what's going on in that head of his, Jude. I don't. And fuck- I wanna tell you he's going to be fine. But I just…I don't know."
He doesn't understand why Judith is pulling him into a hug until he realizes his face his wet and fuck, no, are those tears?
"Shit, shit, I'm sorry Jude." He says, his voice hoarse.
"You don't have to be. I know you care about him."
"I do." Negan nods. He does . He really, truly does.
"If anyone can get Carl to come around it's going to be you, Negan."
Here was Judith being wise beyond her years again.
"Yeah?"
"Mhmm. Don't worry about me and RJ. We're fine. RJ just misses your pancakes." She shrugs.
"That so?” He raises an eyebrow in genuine surprise.
She nods and grins and then unexpectedly gives him an enthusiastic hug.
"Can I see him? I mean- if he wants to see me."
Negan thinks about it for a moment. He's not sure if it's the best idea, but-
"Sure. I'm sure he does, just gotta see if he's up for it."
"Thanks Negan." She says
"Anything for you kiddo." He ruffles her hair with a grin. "Lemme go see how he's doing."
***
When he gets back he's shocked to see Carl upright, sitting in a chair next to Siddiq with a blanket wrapped around him and a cup of tea in his hand looking every bit a normal person.
"This Alpha bitch is dead, though, right?" He hears Carl say.
Siddiq nods. "Mmhm. Negan. Carol sent him after her. Figured if anyone could kill her, he could. And he did just that."
Carls silent for a moment. "Enid deserved better than that." He finally says softly.
Shit. He had forgotten all about how close those two were. And he suddenly realizes just how many people they had lost over the course of all these years. Carl had a lot to catch up on- a lot to come to terms with.
"She did.” Siddiq agrees. “I was with her, til the end. And you know she fought like hell."
"Yeah. Yeah, I know she would have." He shakes his head and swipes at his eye. He suddenly looks over in Negans direction and immediately spots him. And when he does so, Negan swears he sees something different in his eye there- indescribable, but different. His eye doesn't leave him as he makes his way over to him.
"Hey, uh." He starts softly. "Judith wants to see you. I can tell her to come back-"
Carl shakes his head. "No…no, I want her to see that I'm okay."
Siddiq meets Negans eyes for a moment as if to ask is this okay? Negan just gives a curt little nod because, well, it has to be. He's not going to keep them apart. Siddiq goes to grab Judith, and while he does so Carl just looks at him quietly, his expression soft and almost….trusting. He just can't quite place it.
Judith, of course, practically bounces in to see him she's so relieved. Siddiq and Negan only stay for a moment, even if Negans uneasy about leaving Carls side.
They make their way outside and at once Negan feels the full weight of complete and utter exhaustion hit him like a brick wall. And guilt. Shit, there's a lot of that. He voices what's been on his mind this whole time. Because he's angry. He's so angry- so angry at everything. At himself, at the CRM, at the whole damn world.
In his fit of rage he hits out at whatever is closest to him which ends up being the post of the porch and yep fuck that hurts as much as he remembers it does.
"Great. Now your hands broken, too. That helps." Siddiq tells him rather flatly, folding his arms.
"It's not broken." Negan sighs out in frustration but he's not quite sure of that. "Fuck. Fuck. I can't believe I let this happen."
"Negan." Siddiq starts. "You didn't do anything wrong- you just fell asleep. It's okay. We can't watch him 24/7."
Negan jumps up from his spot. " Yeah, actually, that's exactly what we can do." He says angrily. "I'd be dead if it wasnt for Carl and so would you and when he needed someone no one was fucking there for him! He just spent the last ten years being literally tortured out of his mind, so yeah. Yeah we can watch him twenty four seven. It's literally the least we can do for him, Siddiq. He deserves so much more than that- but if that's all I can do for him then that's what I'm gonna fuckin' do. I care too much about him to just sit on my ass and let him fuckin' kill himself because he's too out of his own goddamn mind!"
Siddiq stays quiet after his rant. He simply nods, and Negans not sure if it's a nod of agreement or just to get him to shut the fuck up. A minute or so passes before he finally does look back at him.
"I need to ask you something. And- sorry in advance if it's…out of line."
Negan chuckles lowly, running a hand over the back of his neck. Shit. Where was this going. "I mean I'm the king of being out of line, so."
Siddiq nods. "Was there…. something going on between you and Carl? Before?"
Negans stomach drops so hard that he thinks he has an actual physical reaction to it. He doesn't have the poker face he used to. But also- no. He'd done nothing wrong. There wasn't anything between himself and Carl before. So why was he feeling like this?
"Something like what, exactly?" He asks as cooly as he can.
"You know what I'm asking." Siddiq folds his arms. Negans taken aback for a second but then decides to just go for it.
"Were we fucking ? Is that what you want to know? I was locked in a cell - explain how that would have worked."
Siddiq looks at him completely unfazed. "A cell that Carl had the keys to."
Okay. Valid point.
"No. No. There was never anything between us. He was a kid for christ's sake." He had been seventeen!
Siddiq raises an eyebrow. "And if he hadn't been? If Carl had been…say, 10 years older?"
Like he is now obviously goes unsaid.
Negan stops. That gives him pause. Because he feels like he’s been ignoring the Carl thing this entire time. And now that Siddiqs point blank asking him, he’s not sure if he can lie.
Carl isn’t seventeen anymore. He isn’t a kid. But he’s a traumatized mess, and Negan honestly doesn't even know what he’s feeling towards him. He knows he wants to protect him. He knows if anything happened to him, or if anyone tried to hurt him he’d rip them limb from limb. He knows he doesn’t want to see him get hurt anymore, and that he wants to help him as much as he can move on from the absolutely unimaginable things the CRM had done to him.
“I. Listen- I care about him.” Is what he settles on. “There’s….I don't know." He shakes his head, because he doesn’t know. “I don’t know.”
Siddiq, to his surprise, grins at him. "You and Carl. You uh- you make sense together."
This obviously gets his attention. "We- what?”
"You do." Siddiq says simply, and leaves it at that. "And before- I didn't mean sex. I really meant was there…anything. At all ."
Negans silent for one more beat. "All I can say is that there was a point where he was the only person who didn't look at me like I was already dead."
"You know- I can say the same thing about him and myself."
***
Negan enters the infirmary quietly about an hour later. expecting to hear Judith and Carl chatting (and if he's being honest, part of him really wants to know about what- he's definitely committed worse atrocities than eavesdropping).
But it's dead quiet in there. He turns the corner, trying to keep himself from panicking because everything was fine he tells himself. Silence did not mean Carl had murdered everyone in a four mile radius and escaped Alexandria on a psychotic rampage. It was fine.
And everything is fine. The infirmary is quiet because Judith is curled up in the bed with Carl, sound asleep with her head on his chest, and they barely fit on the tiny bed but it's still really damn adorable.
He's pretty positive Carl is passed out too, so he leans against the doorway and watches the two of them and can't help the grin on his face because Judith had really needed this- she needed her family, not just Negan. Who, really, was about the farthest thing from family she has, but somehow he’d ended up in that role.
Carl opens his eye and looks over at Negan blearily. He's very clearly exhausted. His hand is lazily running through Judith's hair, and he looks like he's too tired to even focus on anything.
Negan takes that as his cue to walk over to them and sits in his usual seat next to the bed silently.
"How long she been out for?" He whispers to Carl.
Judith's out cold and he realizes then with a pang of guilt that she probably hasn't been sleeping well since he's been back. Rick's damn traumatized little insomniacs.
Carl shakes his head. "Dunno. Just been tryin' not to fall asleep."
Negan nods, sitting back in his chair. "Well, get some rest, kid."
He shakes his head again. "No. I don't trust myself around her- not asleep. You saw what I just did. Sometimes I wake up and I don't know where I'm at or what's going on, and…" Carl falls into silence, closing his eye but clearly willing himself to not fall asleep. But then he looks down at her with something like sorrow on his face.
"She looks so much like my mom." Carl chokes out and his voice is suddenly full of so much raw emotion and vulnerability that Negans actually taken back. But he knows it’s true, because he’s heard it before.
"Daryl used to say that all the time." Negan tells him softly.
Carl smiles at him, his attention then going back to Judith momentarily, a hand still running through her hair.
"What was she like?" Negan asks gently.
Carl looks up at him, almost startled for a moment, narrowing his eye at him in question. "S-sorry. No ones ever asked me that." He says softly after a moment.
Negan just smiles encouragingly at him. And it’s a moment before Carl starts speaking, but eventually he does.
"She, um. She tried really hard, y'know? She really did. She was a good mom. She would have loved Jude. She did love Jude, obviously, without even knowing her. She…she did a lot of stupid shit, too, but when it really counted she was there for me. When it mattered. And she meant well. I know she did."
"Sounds an awful lot like someone else I know." Negan says with a smile.
There's a very small ghost of a grin that crosses his face at that.
"She just, um." Carl looks out into the room, hand still running absentmindedly through his sisters hair. "I was so mad at her at the end. Not even at her, just." He looks at Negan finally. "I didn't understand. How fucking horrible it must have been to have the actual world end and just want to protect your child and-" He looks down at Judith. "And you can't. You really can't . All those things that made me mad that she did, she… she was just trying to keep me safe. And I wish I had realized that sooner. Wish I had realized that when she was still alive."
Honestly- Negan doesn't know what to say to that. So he just puts a hand on Carls shoulder to let him know that he was there.
Judiths not thrilled to be shaken awake and carted off to her own bed but she gives in eventually. By the time Negan tucks her in and then makes it back Carls half asleep, curled up on his side and blearily, but warily, keeping his eye on the door.
“Can you take these for me?” Negan asks him softly once he sits down next to him, holding out three pills. They're very expired ibuprofen, but he thinks they may take a small edge off any pain he's having.
“What are they?” Carl asks cautiously.
“Just something to help a little with the pain. Help you sleep.” He shrugs.
Carl immediately shakes his head- which Negan knew was going to happen. Honestly, he doesn't even know why he's trying- he knows this is pointless, that Carl isn’t going to take them.
“It would make me feel a lot better if you took them, Carl.” He says, with no edge to his voice at all. He knows that if he fights him- if he forces him- it’s going to get him nowhere.
Carl blinks up at him. “Okay.” He says In a very small voice, holding out a hand.
Negan looks at him in disbelief. “Wh- really? Just like that?”
He nods slowly, and all Negan can do is stare at him in shock.
“I trust you, asshole. Okay?” Carl says with a little smirk, which Negan returns. Carl settles back into the bed and for once looks almost content.
“Get some sleep, kid, okay? I'll be here. Suffering in this godforsaken chair. My vertebrae are not members of the Carl Grimes fan club, you know that?”
Carl rolls his eye and huffs out a laugh. “Get used to it. I’m a walking medical nightmare. My dad spent half of his life in a chair next to my bed wondering if I was going to survive til the next day or not.”
“Oh. Well. Goodie.” Negan says flatly. “Maybe I’ll just head down to the jail cell and grab my old cot.”
Carl laughs, but it’s weakly and clearly filled with exhaustion. “This bed is really not that bad, y’know...”
Negan stares at him for a moment, trying to work out what he meant by that. Maybe he’s just tired and talking nonsensically and still recovering from losing a decent amount of his blood volume. Ultimately he laughs it off and tries to get as comfortable as he can, and Carl, to his surprise, is sound asleep by the time Negan even looks over at him.
***
Carl wakes up cold. In the middle of a nightmare- one he has often, where he can’t get to Judith, and he keeps trying but the more he tries the farther she is from him. He wakes up freezing, shivering, but he's so exhausted that all he can do is burrow himself into the blankets helplessly and let out a pitiful whimper.
"Hey." A soft voice comes from somewhere, and he feels a hand on his shoulder. He's associated the presence of others for so long as a threat, and he knows this, but he's so tired and so cold that he can't even bring himself to care. He just burrows more, and hopes whoever they are will go away. He’s not in the mood to deal with the guards tonight. Not in the mood to put on an act, to try to even pretend anymore. He’s exhausted and cold and just wants to sleep.
And then out of nowhere something warm is against his back, there's a weight on the bed next to him, and the blankets are suddenly up to his chin and it's so fucking nice. He lets out a content little noise, something like a sigh. Whoever is next to him doesn’t feel like a threat. Doesn’t feel like something he needs to run from. Maybe that’s naive, maybe he’s letting his mind slip into another delusion, but right now he can’t find the strength to care.
"Shh, go back to sleep, okay? I got you." He’s not sure if that voice is real or not. There's arms around him. And suddenly he feels warm and safe and content. He's hallucinated his mother before and he's quite sure he is now. Because no one has spoken to him that softly or given him any kind of comfort since she's been dead.
The CRM had torn apart his mind so fiercely that it wasn't uncommon to have a break from reality and not be able to decipher what was a hallucination and what wasn't. He knows this is probably one of those times.
"You're safe, Carl. You're home ." Definitely a hallucination, because he knows he's never safe, and no one he knows would tell him that because they know better, too. But he gives in, gives in to the delusion because he's wanted this for so long. He wants to be safe, wants to know what that even feels like.
Another involuntary shiver runs through him and the voice shushes him again.
"S'cold." Carl whispers out. To whom, he has no idea.
"Nono. I have you." The voice tells him gently. “M'stayin’ right here, okay? Not leavin’ you.”
The arms around him tighten, and after a moment he's so much warmer.
“Okay.” He whispers out, and he burrows into the warmth that he’s found himself next to even more. His hands clutch at it, almost fiercely, willing it to be real.
And then- there's something soothing running through his hair. In his hair and then across his forehead, and Carl had sometimes dreamed of this, had imagined what it would be like to have someone who he actually trusted watch over him like this. It was all just a thought, but it was a nice thought. He senses someone watching him, hears someone tell him to rest. Hears another mumbled I have you. And sleep sounds nice. Especially with someone here, watching over him, making sure he's safe.
Is he safe? He might be.
His shivering has stopped.
"Just let me take care of you, Carl. Stop fighting so hard.” Comes a murmur against his hair, and this time he realizes that he knows that voice, and again he’s absolutely positive now that he's hallucinating because this is what he’s wanted for so long but it can’t be . He clutches at whoever is next to him, burrowing impossibly closer into them. Into warmth and safety and if this is what life can be like even for a moment then maybe it had all been worth it.
“M’kay.” He mumbles sleepily. Then finally he gives in and slips into a perfect dreamless, painless sleep, focusing only on the hand that's running through his hair.
And it's so nice that he just lets himself believe it's real.
When he jolts awake- alone- he knows he dreamed the whole thing. It’s another delusion that his very damaged mind made up to soothe him in some weird way.
It’s light out, and he lets himself lay there for a moment, enjoying the warmth, running his feet over the blankets. It's strange to not immediately be on alert the minute he woke up. It was nice. It was a farce- but it was still nice.
There’s a comforting weight on him and he opens his eye to see that Negans jacket, and the blanket that the man usually slept with in his damned chair, are on the bed on top of him. Weird.
A yawn coming from somewhere has him jumping up to see who it’s coming from- but it’s just Negan, emerging from the kitchen with a cup of what’s probably tea, his hair a complete disheveled mess.
It’s cute. Carl mentally almost shakes his head at that, but. He couldn’t deny it.
“Mornin’.” Negan says drowsily, running a hand through his hair to try and smooth it but it just makes it worse.
“Morning. How are your vertebrae ?” Carl jokes with a grin.
Negan laughs but also shrugs “Fine. You’re right. That beds not as bad as I remember it.”
Carl blinks at him in confusion.
Oh.
Oh.
Notes:
so, serious question everyone. what's the vote on keeping this story to JUST the present, with Carl and Negan in Alexandria, versus interspersing parts of Carls past with the CRM? Is the CRM just too morbid lolololol? really, let me know!!
(if you're in the us happy thanksgivingggggg)
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