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"Let go of me, Mitaro."
Sasuke hears the voice of his brother first, distantly. It's almost dinner time, and Itachi hasn't come home yet. The sun will be going down soon. Mother was standing by the back door with her hand shielding the low orange sun from her eyes, trying to see him. Sasuke wanted to be useful and be the one to find him and bring him home, but he knew mother would say he was too young to go out alone. She always says he's too young for everything.
"What's wrong, Itachi? Did you forget about our arrangement?"
"...I didn't forget. You just don't need to hold me so tightly."
There's a strange sort of wrongness in the air as Sasuke approaches a hedge row that grows against a broken down old wooden fence at the edge of their family campus. Beyond it is just trees that lead to a riverbank where he and Itachi play. Or at least, they used to, before Itachi got so busy with his ninja studies.
Something in the air tells him not to make himself seen right away. The air feels colder over here. Creeping into the bush, he peers through a hole in the gnarled old wood. He sees Itachi leaned back against a tree at the edge of the forest line, with his wrist held in the grip of one of their older cousins. Sasuke has never really talked to him personally, Mitaro is a chunin and nearly a full grown adult, he has no attention to give to children. He looms over Itachi with one elbow on the trunk of the tree over his head, and finally lets go of Itachi's wrist.
"I can't stay long," Itachi says. "I need to be home in a few minutes."
"What's the hurry? You're a chunin now, aren't you? Your parents have really been treating you like a little kid still, huh?" Mitaro asks. He puts his hand on the side of Itachi's neck, and Itachi frowns. It looks like something Sasuke isn't supposed to see. "You're really mature, you know. You shouldn't even have a curfew."
Itachi glances away, his mouth set in a thin line. "I have to set a good example for my little brother."
Mitaro rolls his eyes, and his hand moves from Itachi's neck to his chin, tipping his head up to force Itachi to look at him. Sasuke sees Itachi's hands tighten on the trunk of the tree behind him. "I thought the whole point of our arrangement was so that I wouldn't think about Sasuke. You sure bring him up a lot if that's what you want."
Itachi's brows furrow, and for a moment it looks like he'll argue, but then he sighs, and his shoulders round down. "No. I'm sorry. You're right. You don't really want him, though, he's just a little kid. He doesn't know what he's doing. He can't be good for you like I can."
"Is this you being good?" Mitaro asks haughtily. "Because all I hear is a whole lot of talking. If you can't stay long, you'd better get started fast. I'm gonna be gone on a mission tomorrow for a week, and I don't want to have to wait all the way until I get back, understand?"
Itachi sighs softly. "Yes sir."
"Now kiss me," Mitaro says, his hand moving from Itachi's chin to his jaw.
Sasuke... doesn't really know what he's seeing. He see's his brother's eyebrows furrow then go slack, his hands tighten on the tree, but he looks onto the scene without comprehension, except now he knows he probably shouldn't be here. After all, he wasn't so young that he didn't know what a kiss was, or what it meant. Their parents kissed, aunts and uncles, that was fine. This was the first time Sasuke had seen anyone even close to his age kiss, though, and especially two boys.
He's lucky he's small. Sasuke can tuck himself right in against the fence, as he fights with himself over whether or not to interrupt. He should because it's dinner, because their family is waiting for Itachi before they eat, but he'd stopped when he heard his name being mentioned. What could he have anything to do with this? At first, he'd lingered wanting to hear what they had to say.
Then he lingered just to see what they'll do. Itachi tilts his head, and their cousin seems to take that as the initiative he needs, because he leans in after only the slightest bit of interest from the younger boy, whose eyes flutter shut uneasily, like he's wishing he were somewhere else.
Sasuke's eyes widen as he takes in the scene, their cousin, leaning hungrily over Itachi, strong body so small tucked in against the tree and covered with Mitaro. He watches with part awe part actual fear, that tight, knot-in-his-chest feeling of being caught.
He hears Itachi whimper as Mitaro pulls back, only to kiss him again. This isn't the kind of kiss that Sasuke has seen his mother and father give each other, quick and brief and sweet. This doesn't look anything like that. This looks... violent. Mitaro has Itachi by the jaw, who is trembling slightly as he arches up off the tree to meet him. One of his hands shakily comes up off the trunk and threads into Mitaro's short black hair, and their cousin's hand moves from his jaw down to his waist, where he slips his hand up under his shirt.
This looks... wrong. It looks like something Sasuke isn't supposed to know about. Somewhere, instinctively, in his guts, he can feel that something wrong is happening here, and it's all because of the energy Itachi is putting off. He doesn't look like whatever's happening is something he enjoys. There's a light tremor in his body, and a furrow in his brow that tells Sasuke he's uncomfortable. So then why is he here?
Mitaro finally breaks the kiss and sighs with relief, his hand pushing higher up Itachi's shirt, exposing some of his stomach to Sasuke. He's familiar with the way his brother's body has changed over the last couple years, once-soft lines hardening into sharp edges with his training. He's seen him without his shirt more times than he could count, but seeing it in this context feels... weird.
"Well? Go on, get started," Mitaro says impatiently.
Itachi nods, and Sasuke watches him drop to his knees in front of Mitaro. Bowing, maybe? Or... something else. Itachi reaches up and is doing something to the front of Mitaro's pants. He shifts to get a little bit closer, to try and understand what he's seeing, and he puts just enough pressure on a twig to snap it under his bare foot. He looks down at the twig under his toes with dread, and when he looks back up through the hole, his blood turns to ice in his veins.
Itachi is looking straight at him.
Wide eyes stare directly into his, peering through that crack in the fence. Itachi has completely stopped moving, but he hasn't stood up. He's frozen in place, just like Sasuke is.
"Hm? What's gotten into you?" Mitaro says, and gives Itachi's head a light slap. "Come on, we don't have all night."
"I--" Itachi looked up when slapped, but Sasuke doesn't see him glance back down at the fence again, because when he does, Sasuke is already gone.
Sasuke moves with an unsurprising lack of fear. Uchihas were raised to know their worth, and place. As the youngest of the clan, he was the least experienced and lowest ranking of the entire family, but surely that didn't matter in this. After all, he was just getting his brother for dinner.
Whatever Mitaro was doing would have to wait. Filled with weird fire from what he'd seen, his brother's trembling hands, the way he was brought to his knees on the dirty ground, Sasuke couldn't let it stand. Not when he needed his brother for actually important ends. Without hesitation or concern, Sasuke trots out from around the other end of that rotting, unfortunate fence, looking calm as can be as he calls out, "Itachi!"
He doesn't know what he's walking in on but he knows when he's unwelcome. No sooner had he set foot in the unkempt back garden than he feels the weight of that action, heads snapping up, and from this angle, Sasuke can't see much better. Itachi is still on his knees, his hands are at the fly of his cousin's pants. Sasuke's eyebrows twitch as he looks back up, "You're late for dinner. Mom will be furious if she finds out you're just staying in the yard."
Sasuke doesn't like seeing his brother on his knees. He likes it even less seeing his cousin, who he barely knew, leaning over him. The stunned look on his face, the darkness quickly clouding over his eyes, both make a zip of a shiver run up his back. He ignores it, good at that. He wasn't afraid of anything.
So, cool dark eyes slide over to Mitaro next, and he says, with all the boldness of a child who doesn't know when not to speak, "I don't think you're supposed to be here."
Mitaro lurches back from Itachi with a snarl, catching the fly of his pants and yanking it closed. Itachi smoothly raises up to his knees, unphased by his brother's appearance because he'd already seen his eye through the hole in the fence. He has no way of knowing how long Sasuke was watching.
"Thank you, Sasuke," he says, his voice smooth. All signs of that uncharacteristic tremble that had been in his body before are gone now, and he's once again the relaxed, confident boy Sasuke knows. "I was just helping Mitaro fix his zipper. It was stuck."
Mitaro looks angry. When Itachi tries to step past him to join Sasuke, his hand comes down around Itachi's upper arm, gripping it tight enough that his skin warps. Itachi looks up at him, and Sasuke sees a flash of what he swears is fear in his eyes. He's never seen his brother afraid of anything, so maybe it isn't fear, but... it looks like it.
"I have to go, Mitaro," he says, and yanks at his arm once. The older boy lets go of it, but he looks furious still. He lowers his voice to try and keep Sasuke from hearing, but Sasuke hears him anyway. "I'll see you after you get back from your mission." Then he walks past him to Sasuke, who he immediately turns his back to and squats down, to offer him his back to climb up on.
Sasuke's eyes linger on their cousin, as Itachi steps away. He doesn't trust him, the energy pouring off of him hostile and unfamiliar. It wasn't even Mitaro, himself-- ostensibly Sasuke knew him. He'd seen him before, around, when not being sent on missions by the village.
Only when Itachi leans over down Sasuke hop onto his back, winding his arms loosely around his brother's neck, as he pulls himself upright, Sasuke perched on their back. Without looking back at their cousin, Itachi walks forward-- but Sasuke doesn't, turning on his perch to watch their cousin fumble with his own pants, sneering and looking back over at their back, and this time making direct eye contact with Sasuke again. His eyes narrow, a haughty sort of gaze his family likes to tease him about. They say he takes the world too seriously.
Only when the garden closes off behind them does Sasuke turn back to his brother, tucking his cheek onto his arms and looking at the profile of his brother's face, immediately put at ease by his calm demeanor, the powerful stability of his back. "What was that?" Sasuke asks finally, "I didn't know you knew him like that."
Itachi is quiet for a moment, looking down at the shadow the two of them cast on the road beneath him, which crunches under his sandals with each step. For a moment, that's the only sound, apart from the late summer wind rustling through the trees.
"Don't worry about it, Sasuke," he says finally, shifting his brother on his back so he's propped a little higher, his hands adjusting underneath his thighs to hold him securely. "It's not anything you need to be concerned about. But I do need to ask you a favor, if you could do something for me? It's very serious, so I don't ask you lightly."
Sasuke frowns and tips forward a little, doubtlessly confident thanks to his brother's grasp, easy and carefree. His hands tighten around his own wrists, and his knees squeeze around Itachi's ribs, as that feeling of wrongness settles in his bones again. He decides then and there he doesn't like that feeling.
"What's wrong?" Sasuke asks, tilting his head to try and gauge his brother's reaction. Of course there was no hope of it, Itachi had always been a particular enigma to the youngest, but he couldn't be scorned for trying. Still, now more than usual, there seems to be an uneasy stiffness to his mouth. Sasuke's eyes narrow again, suddenly aware how they seem to be... slowing, slightly. Just a bit. He lowers his voice, "Are you in trouble?"
"No, no," Itachi answers right away. "I'm not in trouble. You don't have to worry about me," he says, turning his head to give his brother the smallest of smiles, but Sasuke doesn't see any of that smile reach his eyes. His eyes look cold. "I just... need you to promise me something. I need you to promise that you won't tell mother or father, or anyone else about what you saw, ever. Can you do that for me?"
Immediately there's a whooshing feeling, as Sasuke feels the weight of that request like a burden. Technically speaking, they probably wouldn't even ask the boys what had happened, all that would matter is that Itachi was back-- strictly speaking, mother hadn't even actually asked him to get Itachi in the first place, so she had just a high of a likelihood at being mad at him for leaving in the dark at all.
But something about this still feels worse. Maybe because of how he felt, that resounding weirdness that lingered, even now in his memory of the moment. Sasuke looks at Itachi, eyebrows furrowing, and he shakes his head at long last, "I won't," he decides, squeezing Itachi tighter. He speaks quietly again, now almost like he was afraid of being heard, "Are you okay?"
Itachi doesn't speak for a moment as they approach their house, the front door now coming into view. He looks up at the sky, and then back down again at Sasuke, and offers him another little smile.
"I will be," he says, and ascends the steps to their home.
Their mother gives both of them a talking to, Itachi for being late and Sasuke for going out alone when it's so close to sunset. But she gives each of them a hug and a kiss, and sits them down for dinner. All through dinner Itachi seems normal, but there's a different energy in the air, only because of what Sasuke had seen. Itachi doesn't seem any different, he's as quiet and reserved as ever, politely speaking only when spoken to. One would think that he would act differently after an experience that clearly made him uncomfortable, but maybe that just means it isn't the first time it's happened. Maybe he sneaks away to kiss Mitaro often.
Itachi doesn't mention a word of the experience, not even to Sasuke, as they get ready for bed, and then slip away to their respective bedrooms, leaving Sasuke alone with his thoughts as he lies on his bed in the dark.
Even for a six year old, his thoughts are a lot. He already thinks too much, so he hears, but how he can he not when there's so much going on? He isn't stupid, Sasuke can tell something happened, but what... and the fact his mother and father didn't seem to know anything about it, or otherwise didn't consider it even worth mentioning, at least not to him.
Maybe that's what it is. It's an adult and kid thing. Sasuke frowns, flipping over in his bed, struggling to get comfortable. No matter what position he held, he wasn't comfy, every tried and true staple that had lulled him to sleep for years somehow impossible to bear tonight. Maybe it just feels wrong to be laying down when his body seems to hold so much energy. Misplaced adrenaline from earlier, happening belatedly but no less potent, completely neutralizes the tiring effects of dinner.
Sasuke wonders what it could be, that being an adult means he has to kiss Mitaro. He wrinkles his nose-- hopefully he wouldn't have to kiss him when he grew up. What had they said? Something about him, too. Wait, did Mitaro say he'd been thinking about him? Maybe he was in trouble, and he didn't even know it. Immediately Sasuke's mind races, wondering what he could have done. What could he have done that was so bad, Itachi was covering for him? Like this?
One hour passes. Two. Sasuke counts them as they pass, thoughts of note passing amongst a stream of circular self-doubt. His blankets are too hot, so he kicks them off, but then the night cools, and Sasuke finds his legs an uncomfortable mix of clammy, muggy heat, too warm to trap under blankets, and too cold to sleep without them.
Truth was, if he wanted answers, the best place to go was the source. Sasuke stares up at his ceiling light, turned off but still visible with the moonlight streaming in through his window. He stares at that light for a long time, just weighing this decision. Was it worth it? Could he answer this question himself? No. He could not.
At last Sasuke kicks his blankets off his legs, rolling silently out of bed. His door doesn't make a sound, neither are his feet. One of the first things he'd done was bed Itachi to train him once he started going to ninja school. It was nothing professional, but at least Sasuke knew how to be quiet. It was the skill he utilized best. The floorboards through the hall don't even creak as Sasuke pads deep down the hallway, slipping through shadows in candlelight and avoiding the occasional sound of companionable talking that sounds near.
He wasn't afraid of what Itachi would do if Sasuke showed up unannounced. Itachi had never minded Sasuke's presence, to sleep or to talk; both of them tend to keep weird hours, though Itachi's had levelled out significantly when he'd joined the ninja program, but maybe there was something to be said about being run ragged after all. Still, with Sasuke prone to nightmares, Itachi's bed was always open. It was an invitation Sasuke took often.
But now it's for something different. Maybe that alone is reason he shouldn't be here. Sasuke doesn't even knock first, he just goes, slipping his way inside Itachi's room with only the quietest rustle of the tatami mats beneath his feet and the quiet thud of the door sliding shut behind him. He doesn't turn around right away after he closes the door, staying perfectly still, even holding his breath, willing Itachi to stay asleep.
Instead, he hears the sound of Itachi's quilts rustling, and turns around to see him already lifting them to beckon Sasuke down into the warm cave inside. He plunges into that bubble of warmth without hesitation, and Itachi closes the blanket around them. His window is behind his head, so Sasuke can't see his face very well, but the moonlight slants across his own face, illuminating his expression for his brother to see.
"Couldn't sleep?" Itachi asks in a soft whisper, as Sasuke shuffles around to get comfortable, sharing his brother's pillow and lying almost nose to nose with him.
It's clear Itachi wasn't asleep, either. There's no crackle of sleepiness in his voice, nor heaviness to his eyelids. He looks like he's been awake since before Sasuke even crawled out of bed, maybe he hasn't gotten any sleep at all, just like his brother. Exactly why is a mystery, unless he's also still feeling weird about what happened earlier, and it's keeping him awake just like Sasuke.
"You're going to be grumpy in the morning at this rate," Itachi warns him, with an edge of playfulness in his tone. Their mother is always on Sasuke's case for being surly when he's tired.
"I'm not going to be grumpy," Comes Sasuke's pouting response, and even that is familiar. The youngest Uchiha always hates being told what he is and isn't going to be, and unfortunately he gets it a lot. Breathing in deep, already Sasuke can feel his shoulders relaxing into his brother's bed. Something about it in comparison to his own... it was comfier. Maybe it was just because Itachi had broken it in for years, since he was so much older than Sasuke.
Before long, even unbidden, those annoying thoughts from earlier come back. It's doubly unfair here, in Itachi's bed, with Itachi here-- Sasuke seems to only remember after the fact that he'd come here to ask a question, but the routine of getting tucked into bed and falling asleep was so tempting... until he was actually faced with sleep. And now, just like before, those pesky thoughts come back, but now amplified, because now he was very aware of Itachi's face right in front of his face.
"I was thinking about earlier."
Sasuke always had a habit of being too blunt for his own good. A little nuance would do him some good, certainly in the socio-political world. But Sasuke argued he never cared for politics. Sasuke's eyes focus on Itachi, then narrow and furrow, as he struggles to find words to even ask the question he means. Will Itachi know?
"It was weird," Sasuke manages at last, his hand tucked on the pillow opening, and playing with the soft, silky fabric of Itachi's pillow between them. His eyes slide away from Itachi, no longer able to look him in the eye, or in the face at all. "Why was it weird?"
Itachi inhales slowly and deeply through his nose. He's quiet for a moment, the only sounds are the distant quiet talking of their parents, whose voices are too low and muffled to hear any words, and the rustling of the wind through the trees outside. A deep creak echoes somewhere in their old house.
"I thought I told you not to worry about that," Itachi says finally. He sees Sasuke frown, and sighs softly. "It was weird because it's... adult behavior. It's not something little kids like you are supposed to see. It's something you'll understand when you're older."
But he can see that answer doesn't satisfy Sasuke either. His brother is frowning even deeper, not caring for the argument that he's simply too young to do or understand something. He never likes it when their parents say it, either, and usually Itachi is the one to advocate for him, or at least offer to join him if he wants to do something outside of their parents comfort. It isn't usually Itachi himself who's telling Sasuke he's too young for something.
"Why don't you tell me what you saw?" Itachi asks. "Describe what you saw, and how it made you feel. Maybe I can give you a more detailed answer."
Sasuke frowns, looking away from Itachi. He doesn't believe his parents or aunts when they tell him his face will get stuck that way if he leaves it there. He doesn't think that's true. For a second, though, he sits there, thinking just like that, wanting to make sure he does it... justice. He'll never get a clear answer if he doesn't.
Only now does he look away directly from Itachi's face, to instead focus on the pillow beneath him, his little hand curled up between them. His fingers clench, then unclench. "I heard you talking to him about something. A deal. I heard my name, but I don't know why, I didn't hear that part." Or did they not bring it up? It's hard to remember, and Sasuke squints as he struggles. "...He asked you to kiss him, and you did. But when you did, it felt weird," he hesitates before looking back up.
Truthfully he shouldn't've been there at all. Now, confessing to the extent of which he was not supposed to be there, it feels doubly revealing and vulnerable. Sasuke bites his lip nervously, but tries to self-soothe. Itachi, of his entire family, had always been gentle with him. "I don't think you wanted to do it," He finally mutters tightly, "It didn't feel like you liked it," Or maybe that was just him? Was he really that young? He was six, surely that's not that young.
"And then you... went to your knees, when he told you to hurry up to fix his zipper, and I didn't get that either. Why did he need you to fix it in the dark? Away from everyone? Why not take it to the tailor?" Sasuke frowns as he thinks more, the feeling of weirdness settling back in his stomach, and he doesn't like it.
Itachi is quiet again for a minute as he slowly takes in Sasuke's words. With his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Sasuke can see his brother's face when he looks up into his eyes. Itachi's expression looks... conflicted.
"What you saw was an adult kiss," he says, his hand coming up out of the blanket to brush Sasuke's long bangs out of his face, back behind his ear. "The kind of kisses you see mother and father share, or mother gives you, those are everyone-kisses. Anyone can share those. Friends, family, adults and children, adults and other adults. But... the kind of kiss you saw is one only for adults."
He sighs softly. "As for the zipper..." he pauses uncertainly, and looks away from Sasuke, down at the tiny fist curled between them on the pillow. His hand drops down to squeeze around it. "I shouldn't be lying to you, Sasuke. I respect your intelligence too much for that. I wasn't actually fixing Mitaro's zipper. I was going to do something else for him, another... adult kiss, of a sort."
But Itachi isn't an adult. He's a chunin, certainly, but he's not an adult. He's only 12 years old, and though Sasuke doesn't know Mitaro's age exactly, he knows he's somewhere between 16 and 20. All grown ups start looking the same, after a certain age.
"Why?" Sasuke sounds confused, not disgusted, leaning back to look at his brother's face properly like he was looking for any signs of deception, when of course there were none. Adults who spent that kind of time together were adults that liked each other in a parental sort of way, Sasuke knew that even if he didn't quite know the words for it. Unless Sasuke was planning on becoming a parent with Mitaro, it was just weird for him to be doing it.
Besides, Mitaro? Sasuke was purely biased, but his brother was going to be the pride of the Uchiha clan. He was smart, and strong, and everything they were meant to be. Sasuke was proud every day he got to be Itachi's brother. He could kiss anyone in the village he wanted, even girls his age would approach him asking after him, then giggle stupidly and scurry away. It was exhausting, annoying. A bother.
But it's not like Sasuke knows how to put that into words. Sasuke shakes his head, "Do you like Mitaro?" he asks, like he's chastising a friend on the playground.
"Do I like him?" Itachi repeats. He looks surprised by the question. "What do you mean by like? Are you asking if I have romantic feelings for Mitaro? The answer is no. Mitaro is... the means to an end. I'm using him to accomplish a certain goal. But I won't tell you what, so don't ask me. I have to keep some secrets." He offers a small smile, and even taps Sasuke on the forehead.
Sasuke looks nonplussed at that, very consciously making a choice to not go cross-eyed at the tap to his forehead. "So you were going to do all that with someone you didn't even like?" Sasuke isn't sure how that makes him feel. His stomach feels all tied in knots. Unpleasantly frowning, Sasuke looks off to the side, laying sullenly on the pillow, thinking.
Itachi can see the way his brother looks crestfallen, and he rubs his hand up and down his arm in an attempt to soothe him. "It's alright, Sasuke. I don't mind. Sometimes, those sorts of things have to be done for practical reasons, instead of emotional ones. It's part of growing up." He keeps saying that, as though he isn't still a child himself. Itachi might be older than Sasuke, but he's still a young boy. "But that doesn't mean you have to do that when you get older. It's still your choice, whether you want to kiss people because you like them, or you need something from them, or you decide not to kiss anyone at all."
"You're not that much older than me," Sasuke mutters glumly, predictably sour about his own age. He chews his lip uncertainly, eyes narrowing at the pillow beneath him.
"Maybe so. But I've had a lot more experience than you," Itachi says, his hand coming to stop on Sasuke's skinny arm. "You look so sad. What's troubling you about this, Sasuke?"
"I said you didn't look like you liked it very much," Sasuke shifts, pulling away from his brother's touch uncharacteristically. Now he really is outright pouting. "You didn't correct me."
Itachi is quiet again for a moment, his hand hovering in the space between them, before it sags down to lay flat on the futon mat. "No, you're right. I didn't correct you. Because you were correct," he says softly.
And that only makes Sasuke's eyebrows draw down, further over his eyes in thought. His jaw clenches, then releases, "Have you ever kissed someone and it was nice? For you?" It's not fair. He doesn't like how sad Itachi looks, and he didn't like how he looked pressed back against that tree, Mitaro looming over him.
Itachi looks surprised by the question, and seems to take a moment to think about it. He gets a faraway look in his eye, as if he's trying to recall something, before he finally shakes his head. "You know, I'm not sure I have," he admits. "I don't think so. I haven't kissed very many people, but it's always been to accomplish something."
Sasuke is quiet for a long time. He thinks, slight frown on his face, but it's really only about the same thing. Problem is his mind is racing, circling that one thought on endless loop. He wants to say it. He will.
"We should kiss," Sasuke finally declares quietly, voice barely more than a whisper. His heart pounds in his chest, filling his veins with a singular rhythm, possessed by a singular thought now for almost two hours.
At this, Itachi looks more surprised than ever before. His brows raise and his eyes widen, his normally stoic expression shattering in the face of his obvious shock.
"What?" he asks after a moment. "Why?"
Just as quickly, Sasuke's confidence falters, and he hesitates as he looks up at Itachi all at once, with wide, dark eyes made darker by the shadows that consume them. He hesitates and half-pushes up to lean away, feeling sick, regretting his choice immediately, "I just thought... because... we like each other, you wouldn't have to worry about not liking it, so-- we could kiss, instead, and then you could have a nice one. Sorry, it was stupid, I don't know what I was thinking--"
"Sasuke," Itachi reaches up to put a finger to his brother's lips, to stop them from running so quickly and uncharacteristically uncertain. Even from such a young age, Sasuke has always been so sure of himself, so confident and bold. It's strange to see him so suddenly timid and afraid. "We do like each other," he says. "But in a different way than people like each other when they kiss. When people kiss because they like each other, it's because they want to feel good with each other, and make the other person feel good. Maybe even marry them one day."
Sasuke can't help but feel immediately calmed by the gesture, even though his eyebrows knit again at the words. It was true, maybe, they couldn't marry... as sons they would be expected to take wives, and make heirs. "But we like each other," Sasuke reiterates, body losing a bit of its flight energy that had overcome him so strangely. "And..." wasn't this entire idea borne out of making Itachi want to feel good? Because he does. That's what he wanted, so Itachi wouldn't only know kisses meant for something else. So he decids to say it, "I do want to make you feel good."
The expression that comes over Itachi's face is hard to read. It looks like sorrow, perhaps, or maybe even pity-- but Itachi has never pitied him before. Thankfully, his brother is forthcoming with his thoughts. "I appreciate that, Sasuke," he murmurs. "It makes me feel happy, that you would want to do that just to make me feel better. But I wouldn't want to steal your first kiss away like that. You might meet a wonderful girl one day, and that special moment would have been stolen away from her by someone else. Someone unworthy."
"Is your first one extra special?" Sasuke asks, quietly curious, again not looking his brother in the eye.
"It's supposed to be," Itachi murmurs, getting that sad look in his eye again.
"Was yours?" Sasuke asks, defiant and afraid.
Itachi sighs. "I suppose mine wasn't, but... that's why I want yours to be. I want you to have what I couldn't have. I want better for you, Sasuke. You don't really want to kiss me, do you? You just offered to make me feel better."
Maybe it would be easier if he were dumb. Sasuke had wondered that before. It wasn't that he thought everyone else was stupid, and certainly not Itachi-- truth was, Itachi was probably hoping Sasuke would be dumb, because it was better to be dumb than know too much. Knowing too much was exhausting. He just hoped to save Sasuke from that life.
But unfortunately again, he isn't. Sasuke isn't dumb at all, and as such he's cursed with the burden of knowing... Itachi isn't right.
"I offered because you are special," Sasuke mutters under his breath, "And I might need to use them to get what I want, too."
Itachi's smile gets less sad then, his brow uncreasing and his eyes softening. "Am I truly that special to you? Your own brother?" he asks softly, his breath fanning over Sasuke's cheek. It smells like his anise and clove tooth paste. "That makes me feel... warm. Here," he says, and takes Sasuke's hand to place it palm-flat against Itachi's stomach. He holds it there, his hand cupped over the back of Sasuke's. "I've never felt like this before. Mitaro doesn't make me feel like this when he kisses me, but... I know that it's what kisses are supposed to make you feel. Does the thought of kissing me make your stomach warm?"
Sasuke sucks in a breath, as soon as Itachi touches his hand. Now it's different, the energy in their little bed is worlds apart from what he'd felt in the garden. Had he been feeling something different really, or was he just jealous? Was it different now that he was on the other side, and not just a hapless bystander?
His fingers twitch against Itachi's stomach, and feels his own plume with warmth like his own touched had summoned it. Briefly he glances down at their hands, where they meet on his belly, and he nods, initially without speaking. He finds the words after a second, swallowing again, encouraging saliva to his mouth, "Yeah. It is. Kind of... loose feeling." Like he was climbing to the top of a very tall tree, without a lookout.
"Like it's expanding," Itachi says, putting words to the feeling that Sasuke doesn't have. "Like slipping into a warm bath, and then your belly opened and the bath slipped inside. It's a full feeling... hot. Heavy. Is it like that for you?"
When Sasuke just nods, Itachi lets go of his hand, but only to reach forward and lay his hand flat on Sasuke's stomach in return. His hand is a lot bigger than his little brother's, and spans most of his belly, warm even through the fabric of his sleep shirt. Itachi's eyes are soft as they look down at him-- and then his fingers slip up under his shirt to spread across his bare belly.
"What do you feel when I touch you like this?" he asks, his voice a soft whisper as he trails his fingertips over Sasuke's stomach to his side, and then down to his hip where he's stopped by the waistband of Sasuke's sleep shorts.
Sasuke feels his breath hitch again, and worse, he hears it. Even as an outside observer, he hears his breath catch in his throat, and he swallows around a tongue he suddenly finds very dry. He glances down, marveling very slightly at the way Itachi seems to just know-- so he must have felt this before, right? Or is this the only time he's ever... no, to think that would be too sad. And if he hasn't before... at least he is now.
Itachi had touched his stomach before, more often than not Itachi would bathe with him for convenience's sake, and never before could Sasuke remember his fingers feeling like this, though he's technically not touching him any differently than the way he did, before.
"It feels like that," he agrees, at least with the apt description earlier. "Heavier now," From before, certainly, the thumb grazing across his hip makes it feel like a lead ball landed low in his gut. "Kind of like... I'm being tickled, but I don't... want to laugh." Tight and tense and near-giddy with anticipation, but how do you put that into words?
Itachi watches Sasuke closely, searching his face for any sign of discomfort or uneasiness, but he finds none. He feels Sasuke's hand tighten in the front of his shirt, and his stomach muscles go taut as Itachi's fingers slip over them again.
"There will be people who want to touch you," Itachi murmurs softly. "Grown men, like Mitaro. They'll want to put their hands on you like this. You're going to be strong... extremely strong and capable, and it will draw attention. They'll want to keep you, use you, and offer you strength in return. And you will give it to them, this body of yours, in return for that strength. It's the way of the world."
His hand finally slips away from Sasuke's stomach, to instead cradle his jaw, the same warm thumb that had been on his hip a moment ago now tracing his cheekbone. Sasuke has stars in his eyes as he looks up at his brother, breathless and cotton-headed. Itachi's eyes are so calm, so self-assured-- nothing like the way they looked when he was with Mitaro. There's no fear in them now, no anguish or guilt or uncertainty.
"Perhaps it wouldn't be unkind, for your first experiences with these things to be with someone who loves you," he murmurs. "So that you know what it feels like, at least. Even if you never find it again. And so that if others try to force this feeling on you, you will be able to identify the difference. Compare it to how you feel now. To how I make you feel."
Sasuke wonders what type of life lay before him. The world was complicated and cruel, his place in it determined even now, and he has no idea in what ways. People will have plans for him they want to enact, political, social, personal-- to hear they will have designs over his body, too, is another blow he takes in stride. Of course they would have plans for his body. Whether in war or pleasure, someone will want something from his body. He gets it.
In which case, his resolve only tightens. With breathless anticipation Sasuke's shoulders relax again into the pillow all the way, and he squirms another quarter-inch closer, spurred forward by the hand cradling his jaw. "Is it okay? If we kiss, I mean," he murmurs softly, looking up into his brother's eyes, expression vulnerable and open, "I don't want to do it if you don't, that doesn't help."
Itachi's smile is soft as Sasuke makes a point to draw attention to Itachi's consent in the matter. Even at such a young age, barely even understanding what he's asking for or agreeing to, he still wants to make sure that he isn't being coercive.
"Oh, Sasuke," he whispers. "Of course I do. I love you."
He says nothing more than that before he leans forward, drawing Sasuke in by his hand on his jaw, until their lips connect. It's nothing like the kiss that Sasuke watched him and Mitaro share, but it's nothing like the kisses he sees pass between mother and father, either. It's slow, soft, lingering. Itachi's lips slide across his, his upper lip fitting perfectly into the seam between Sasuke's. He feels the slightest glance of Itachi's tongue on his lower lip as he opens his mouth to reposition it for another kiss-- the third? Fourth?
And then he pulls back, to look down at his brother again and asks, "How did that feel?"
Sasuke feels breathless, hyperaware of the loud roaring filling his ears. Incredulous, that's a word for it, too. He drags his tongue over his lower lip, just savoring the way his brother had felt kissing him a moment before. He does this shamelessly, not old enough to feel guilty or less like a glutton. His face feels hot, his body feels shaky, but he knows he isn't, he's fine, and yet somehow even his bones feel like they're vibrating.
"It felt nice," He breaths, like he's afraid of breaking the moment by speaking too loud. Shifting, Sasuke leans forward just a final, indulgent inch, and just like that, they're practically flush. Itachi's bed wasn't limitless, they'd started off laying so close... with Sasuke's wiggling, it should come as no surprise when he practically topples into his brother's lap. Yet, there's still no shame in him, none of that timid fear from before. It would seem when provided with the alternative, Sasuke had no problem going with the flow.
This time it's his hands, little and unpracticed, finding their way to Itachi's chest, not circumstantially but intentionally, fingers twitching into the fabric of his shirt, "Can we do it again?"
"You might excite me, if we do it again," Itachi warns, though he makes no move to scoot away from his brother as he draws closer still. In fact, he even gives Sasuke's knee room to slip between his own, their legs tangling side by side on the bed. Sasuke's feels so skinny between his own, bony and thin with youth. "That's never happened to you at your age, I imagine. Have you ever felt funny here before?"
As he asks, Itachi's hand slips down to brush his fingertips over Sasuke's penis through his shorts, just ever so lightly grazing his body there to indicate where he means. It seems like the more polite option than naming it out loud, in such close quarters.
"No," comes the quick reply, but no sooner had Sasuke said it than he felt his mistake, because whether or not he'd felt it in the past... he certainly did now. Or maybe it was just what he thought? Sometimes when you believe in something really hard, it felt like the real thing. Either way, Sasuke would swear he feels a stirring in his belly now. One he doesn't know if he should dare to know. This did feel adult and illicit. Again he's glad this first time is with Itachi. He was the only person Sasuke could trust.
What did it mean, that he would excite Itachi if they went on? Sasuke's mind can't help but scatter a little, just wondering, feeling Itachi's hand gently grazing over his skin through his shorts, his thigh and his belly and hip. Sasuke's breath comes out quickly, in a brief, shuddery gasp, "Is it bad?" He wonders softly, but has a hard time believing anything that feels so giddy and good could be bad.
"No. It isn't bad," Itachi murmurs. "But it is a commitment. When the body reacts that way, it must be treated to its completion, otherwise you're left with pain and discomfort. Are you prepared to make that commitment, Sasuke? Are you willing to finish this with me?"
He asks these questions, but his language is so cryptic that Sasuke doesn't even know what he means. Complete, finish, what? He doesn't know, and Itachi isn't being forthcoming. Either he's being intentionally vague, or maybe he just assumes Sasuke knows more than he does, and that he doesn't have to explain what he means at all.
One would think Sasuke would be used to it. The entire Uchiha clan spoke like this, like they were narrating the end of the world, like their duty would be the root cause of it. And just like his forefathers before him, Sasuke takes to these solemn descriptions with stoic, serious acceptance, nodding up at Itachi as he steadies his breathing by force, encouraging himself to level out his chest, to make the rising and lowering go smooth and calm again, even as his heart pounds.
"I can do it," Sasuke murmurs at long last, fingers twitching against Itachi's chest, "I won't hurt you."
Itachi lets out a soft, quiet chuckle. "I'm not worried about you hurting me, Sasuke," he whispers. "Just... stop me if it gets to be too much."
In spite of him asking Sasuke to promise to commit, he still gives him the chance to back out if he gets overwhelmed. Even in something as apparently strange and grave as this, Itachi is looking out for him. This time he closes the distance and Sasuke responds in kind. Itachi licks his lips right before they touch his brother's, and he sighs through his nose when he feels Sasuke's hands tighten in his shirt. His hand drops to slide beneath Sasuke's thigh, which he lifts to hike higher up on his hip, with Sasuke's other leg between his own. Like this, he's able to suddenly drag him forward to close the gap between their bodies.
Sasuke's body is light and easy to pull, and with minimal effort, his body connects with his older brother's. A brand new sensation sparks through his small body when their groins touch, and especially when Itachi squeezes his thighs together, intensifying the feeling. All the while, Itachi kisses him again and again in that same languid, easy way, their mouths shifting together, unpracticed but earnest.
There's an immediate thrill that runs through him, as soon as they go back to kissing. Sasuke can see why people seek this out. Of course, Sasuke doesn't know what it feels like when you have to work for it, when getting kisses doesn't come as simple as asking, but he can still never imagine a reality where he asks. To be on this end really must be best, to know how to leverage this for your own good. Itachi was right.
So Sasuke leans in, with all the vigor which he leaned into anything he wanted to learn. He'd been smart since infancy, determined to be the best at whatever he touches, and excellent because of that. He worked hard, and as such, he saw results. This wasn't something he could throw punches at until he succeeded. So Sasuke took the lessons where he could.
Tilting his head a little too far forward, Sasuke hits their noses together. He makes a scoffing noise under his breath, like he was offended by Itachi moving out of turn, but shifts, and readjusts, "Sorry," he mutters embarrassedly under his breath, before returning to the kiss.
Itachi's breath deepens into full-chested pulls through his nose as Sasuke takes to the kiss with as much enthusiasm as he expected he would. The door isn't locked, technically their parents could come in and catch them-- but they never came into Itachi's room in the middle of the night anymore, not since he was younger than Sasuke is now. Still, there's that little thrill there, the sense that they would be in trouble if they were caught. This feels like a secret just for them.
When Sasuke shifts, his groin rubs against Itachi's again, and his older brother makes a noise like he's never heard before. It's from his chest, deeper than his normal voice and rougher too, a noise like pain, but hotter-- it sounds like the audible manifestation of the way this is making Sasuke's stomach feel. Punchy and deep and warm. Itachi breaks the kiss to tuck his face into Sasuke's neck, breathing in deeply like he's smelling him, and his breath fans hotly across his throat as he rolls his hips forward again, rubbing himself against his younger brother. He makes that deep, rough noise again, and his mouth opens in another kiss-- but this one isn't on Sasuke's mouth, it's right in the hollow of his throat.
He likes feeling this, Sasuke realizes. Fluttery and warm and then hot, Itachi sighs into his neck and he feels it throughout his entire body, making his belly twist and the rest of him arch his hips to accommodate that new, squirming bigness he feels in his gut. It makes his legs kick a little higher, knee grinding very slightly into his brother's hips, and he can feel the effect it has on him immediately in the way his breath gusts out over him a second time, making him gasp and bite his lip to stifle it, before he makes too much noise on accident.
Unsure what to do without Itachi to kiss, Sasuke realizes this could be part of it, too. He lifts his leg higher around Itachi's hip to feel himself get a better grip, and gasps again, this time directly in Itachi's ear, as he feels his brother's groin rub against his own. It feels so different, but he knows, the parts are the same-- and that's maybe what is drawing him so overwhelmed now. There's definitely something there he hadn't felt, before.
"Is that it?" Sasuke asks, as if in awe. It would make sense if left untreated, of course that would cause pain and discomfort. Shifting again, Sasuke realizes this time it's just to feel Itachi against him, and goosebumps raise across his arms and down his legs, as he realizes what he'd done.
Itachi nods, with his face buried in Sasuke's neck still. Sasuke doesn't have the words to describe what he's feeling, but he can feel it all the same. Itachi's body reacting-- to him. Reacting to him in a way it certainly hadn't reacted to Mitaro. Itachi had said he was a means to an end, and he looked so stiff and uncomfortable when Mitaro kissed him-- nothing like he is now. Now he's fluid, loose and warm.
He shifts suddenly, and Sasuke moves to let him. For a moment he worries that he's about to get up and leave, but instead Itachi relocates them both, rolling Sasuke onto his back and laying on top of him so they're belly to belly, with Sasuke's legs spread around his big brother's hips. Itachi lunges for his mouth again, and this time it's like the kiss he'd seen him share with Mitaro.
When Sasuke saw it through the fence, he thought it looked painful, mean and violent. But now that he can feel it? He gasps and Itachi takes advantage of that, his tongue flicking into Sasuke's mouth to rub against his own tongue. It's a weird feeling at first, but one he quickly gets used to as Itachi shifts on top of him and rolls his hips down again, this time hard and on purpose. He makes that deep sound again, the noise vibrating directly into Sasuke's mouth.
Sasuke's breath rushes out of his nose between kisses, whatever he can gasp. He's never seen Itachi like this, but he's never felt like this, either. His body hums in great, swooping vibrations, his belly plummeting, then this back arching to the ceiling, to chase his brother's body with his own. They move in tandem, younger reacting to older, and Sasuke hums in a distressed, tight way as he fights his own strange, squirming body, not sure of what to do or where to go.
He doesn't know why this feels good. Maybe it's just one of those things, the same way tickling his feet always gets him to giggle; it's an instinct. Sasuke hopes so. He wants to chase this feeling, even if that means he just does this with Itachi, forever. Sasuke really can't imagine he'd find anyone else he could give himself to like this. How could he trust anyone but his big brother?
When they part for air, Sasuke gasps, cheeks pink and chest heaving a little harder than he'd like. He looks up at Itachi with overblown eyes, and raises his hands to run across his brother's shoulders. He can feel the way they move, heavily, just as impacted by their tryst as him. He doesn't say anything, but pulls, very gently.
Itachi shifts, moving up higher. He braces his elbows on either side of Sasuke's head, and lowers his down to rest his forehead right against Sasuke's, so they're nose to nose, breath fanning over each other's cheeks. Itachi rolls his hips down again, sending more skittering jolts of pleasure across Sasuke's body, centralized in his groin and spreading out from there.
"You can touch me, if you want to," Itachi says, sensing the hesitancy in Sasuke's hands. And then with a little more certainty and confidence, he instead rephrases, "I want you to touch me, if you want to."
He lets Sasuke do what he will with that suggestion, and instead returns his attention to his brother's neck, which is so pretty and slim and pale. His mouth opens over the pulse in Sasuke's neck and licks across it, his teeth scraping his skin ever so slightly as his hips roll down again and again, thrusting against Sasuke's groin. He can feel the way Itachi's body has changed, the way his privates have changed shape and texture, even through the fabric of their sleep clothes-- and his own body seems to be doing the same thing, as sensation concentrates and tightens right between his legs.
Permission granted, Sasuke feels all the breath leave his lungs. He breathes out, then in, very slow, and slips his hands down Itachi's chest, the same way he'd done himself. Obviously his is more firm. There's more muscle there, more definition in his pecs and down across his abdomen-- being a chunin had been good for him, giving him the physical strength to match his mental prowess. Itachi talked about how Sasuke would be wanted, and he only knows that his brother is speaking from lived experience. Sasuke had no way of knowing if it had been this way for all Uchihas for all time, but at least the two youngest? They were expected to do great things.
Never one for wasted words, and having absolutely nothing to say, Sasuke doesn't say anything at all, he simply feels. Intensely and too much, Sasuke feels, slipping his hands further down, eyebrows creased in thought like he's solving a puzzle. Up past Itachi's shirt, Sasuke's fingers are soft as he roams across his belly, skirting across his bellybutton, and then just coming shy of his own waistband.
"It's..." Sasuke's voice cracks, and he swallows, looking up at Itachi, "It's okay?" He asks, biting his lip.
"Yes," Itachi gasps, actually gasps, his voice breathless in a way Sasuke's never heard it before. He pulls back enough to meet his brother's eye, his grinding hips slowing to a stop. "Is it okay for you? Do you like this? It isn't too late to stop, if you're becoming overwhelmed..."
Sasuke jumps to action, immediately spurred by his brother's offer, "I didn't say that," Sasuke bites with defensive action, and promptly shoves his hand the rest of the way past that waistband into his brother's pants, to touch him for the first time with genuine intention, and not as some childish, platonic... well, actually, Sasuke had never actually touched Itachi's cock. It feels completely different than he'd imagined.
Soft but hard, Sasuke's fingers are tentative as he first touches gingerly up his length, curious fingers twitching over his head and down, exploring without the commitment of a solid touch.
The look on Itachi's face is immediate and intense. He gives a punched-out noise in response to Sasuke's sudden bold touch, and hides his face in his brother's slim shoulder as Sasuke explores him. While the two of them often bathed together, at least until the past couple of years, they'd never actually touched one another intimately. They each washed their own body separately, and didn't touch one another at all.
Sasuke plays with him, explores him curiously, and finds Itachi's cock surprisingly large. Larger than he can ever remember it being, in fact, longer than the width of his palm considerably. It's roughly the size, shape and texture of the pickles their mother makes every summer, though Itachi's cock is hot and smooth instead of cold and slippery. His skin shifts as Sasuke touches him, exploring this part of his brother for the first time with curiosity.
"Ahh-- hhn-- Sasuke--" Itachi's hips roll down into Sasuke's inexperienced touch, and a small splash of something wet squishes into Sasuke's fingers. "Ah-- sorry-- it feels... so good. It's never felt like this before..."
A little flare of pride burns in Sasuke's chest at that. Itachi had never felt like this before, only with him. Sasuke experiments, struggles to understand how to move his hand enough to feel good and finding his brother's hips rutting semi-irregularly doing most of the work for him. Still, he's never been one to be content with his brother taking what he wanted. After all, had that not been his problem already? Greed? Maybe not his own, but others, taking from him.
Sasuke's heart breaks for his brother, all over again. He wondered what he'd gotten out of his body. Even Sasuke knew the first time mattered, at least to girls. He had to imagine boys were no different. Leaning up, Sasuke tips his head to kiss Itachi again, a little clumsy but not the worst, though his little stomach trembles with the effort of holding himself aloft while one of his hands clumsily drags along his sensitive length.
Itachi gasps into the kiss, his breath so much different than before. His entire demeanor is different, he seems shaky and soft, unlike how Sasuke has ever seen him before. His hips stutter forward into Sasuke's hand, until suddenly he reaches down to grab Sasuke by the wrist. When he stops thrusting, he can really feel the heartbeat in Itachi's cock, and the way it pulses against his hand.
"Wait," he murmurs against Sasuke's lips. "You too."
Pulling Sasuke's hand away from his cock, Itachi reaches down to pop the button on Sasuke's sleep shorts, and he opens them to take Sasuke's in hand in return. It's dark, but Sasuke's eyes have adjusted enough that when he looks down at himself, he confirms that his own penis is firm and straight like Itachi's, in a way it's never been before. It's much smaller than Itachi's, but that's no surprise, given how much younger he is than his brother.
"Like this," Itachi says, and lines up between Sasuke's legs so that his cock lays flat right beside his younger brother's, side by side on his stomach. He licks the palm of Sasuke's hand and then flattens it down over their cocks, and lays his own right on top, both of their hands pressing down to create a tight little space that Itachi starts to thrust into again. His cock rubs against Sasuke's, and over the flat, smooth plane of his belly. Itachi makes that low noise again, and leans down to claim Sasuke's mouth in another kiss like before, deep and wet and hard.
Sasuke's breath hitches, as he just-- does as he's told. One second he thinks he has the upper hand, doing something better than anyone else Itachi has ever been with, but maybe all along it was less about his expertise and more about the way he did it at all. He leans up to take that kiss, really more to accept it from his brother, as there was very little he could do to lean in, or indulge, for himself.
Not that he wasn't getting pleasure, too. Pleasure had quickly consumed his entire sense of being, rushing through his veins and making his ears roar like a river's tide. Their combined hands make a warm, wet, tight channel, his cock trapped against his brother's leaves him feeling at once overwhelmed by how tight and tense it is, but also spurred forward by that, encouraged to squirm, to feel more, to grind up into his hand too in a poor replication of his brother's own move.
"Itachi--" Sasuke's voice is tight and sharp, as he's hit like a punch with a sudden, all-encompassing need. He doesn't know what it is, he doesn't even know why it started, but Sasuke breathes hard enough it hurts on the way out, every muscle in his body going tight, toes curling--
All at once, Sasuke explodes, opening his mouth to suck in a breath to catch himself from passing out.
Itachi's hand claps over Sasuke's mouth to muffle what would have been a cry that definitely would have alerted their parents, as he too follows him over the edge, spilling onto his brother's bare belly. He thrusts through the pleasure, feeling Sasuke shiver and shake under him, until finally they both relax, left panting and quaking like leaves in a breeze. Itachi uncovers Sasuke's mouth, only to give him another lazy, open-mouthed kiss that Sasuke barely has the brainpower to reciprocate.
"Good, Sasuke," Itachi whispers against his lips. "That was so good. Thank you. Did it feel good for you as well? Did you enjoy it?"
As he speaks, he pulls back, and looks down at the mess they made on Sasuke's belly. They have no way to clean it up, and it would surely be noticed by their mother if she found the stain while doing the laundry, so even before Sasuke has a chance to respond, Itachi is dipping down under the covers to lick across Sasuke's stomach in long, ticklish strokes to clean off the few little drops of fluid they'd both produced.
Sasuke barely has a thought in his head, but immediately alarm bells go off, regardless. Itachi is licking something down there, he's licking something that came out of him, it isn't clean, he can't do that, what is he doing-- rearing back, Sasuke actually sneers as he pushes ineffectively at Itachi's head, weak arms made weaker by being boneless with pleasure just a second ago. He still doesn't really have thought, more like gut feeling he reacts to, and it takes him a second just to remember how to speak and breathe at the same time, again.
When he does, he barely even recognizes how he sounds to himself, breathless and far away. "You shouldn't lick there, it's not clean." He sounds pathetic, plaintive, as if scared of what happens if Itachi were to lick a place currently still pulsing with pleasure so deep it makes his legs shake.
Itachi doesn't press, he just closes Sasuke's pants again and buttons the front. "It's alright," he says softly. "Your body isn't dirty, Sasuke, not even down here. Don't ever think of your body as something dirty, understand?" He crawls back up to lay beside Sasuke, fixing his own pants closed.
Sasuke doesn't understand the warmth that closes around his belly like a vice, making him feel full as sleep weighs down on him all at once, muscle fatigue now catching up to body and compounding the exhaustion from the day. No sooner has Itachi laid back down, than Sasuke presses right into him without even thinking, sagging against Itachi's body with his eyes sliding quickly shut.
"I think I... something happened," He finally mutters exhaustedly, too tired to have shame left in him, and besides, Itachi had been the one to clean it up with his tongue. Just thinking about it makes his body go hot again, and he squirms a little, "That's why... you shouldn't've done it." He mumbles, cheek flat against Itachi's chest.
"You finished," Itachi explains patiently. "Climaxed. That's the point of doing these things, that's why people do them. For the ending, for that feeling. It's their entire reason for doing it. Once you've had it, your body can start to crave it, to need it. You wouldn't believe the lengths that adults will go to in order to have that need satisfied. They'll want to use you for it, and now you know why. It was good?"
How Itachi can already have himself so calm and cool and under control, after something like that, makes Sasuke's mind spin. Maybe his mind was just doing a lot of that right now. Still, he blinks stars from his eyes and tries to prop them open, shifting to perch his chin on Itachi's chest, before he falls back to his cheek again. He'd have a chance to look at his brother later. He was too tired and not yet sentimental enough. Instead, he wipes his nose on his brother's shirt, breathing one final, deep, calming breath.
"Yes," Sasuke agrees, making sure his voice is steady and even like his brother's this time, when he does. "It felt good. I can see how it could be nice if you have nothing better to do," Like his belly wasn't already twitching and clenching just talking about it, like he wasn't running the feeling of his brother's hands over him in his mind, on loop.
Itachi smiles, and then gives Sasuke a kiss on his forehead. "Remember not to tell mother or father about this," he whispers. "They would say you're too young for it, but they don't know everything. They wouldn't understand. Your pleasure is your right, and the sooner you know about it and how to use and command it, the harder it will be for people to take advantage of you. Get some sleep now, Sasuke."
Sasuke thinks there's no chance in hell that he'll fall asleep-- and then he does. Pure exhaustion is what takes him over, plain and simple. As young as he is, after such an energetic experience, it knocks him flat out, so hard and fast that he doesn't even realize it until he's waking up, with Itachi getting dressed on the other side of the room.
His brother just gives him a little smile, and holds his finger to his lips in the symbol for shhh, before padding barefoot out of his bedroom, leaving Sasuke behind in his bed, with the confirmation that what happened last night was real, and not some weird, perverted dream that he had.
Sasuke lays there for a minute longer than he usually would, just thinking. He wasn't really afraid of being seen leaving his brother's room. Mother knew Sasuke liked to sleep with him still, even though their father had opinions-- but she didn't mind, she understood, and even loved to see how much her sons cared for each other. It was a symbol of good raising, and a strong family.
No, Sasuke was just... thinking. About everything. He gets himself going before long, making Itachi's bed neatly so his brother wouldn't get in trouble, then slipping out without another word to his own room, to change clothes and get ready for the day. He does this in silence, picking out a similar dark-colored shirt with his favored high collars, combing fingers through his hair to tidy the worse of the muss that came from sleep, then making his way downstairs, too.
He's lightly chastised for his lateness. Itachi is nowhere to be seen. As Sasuke bows and agrees to his mandated schedule for the day, he trots off after eating to collect eggs from the chickens first. At what point does the staticky feeling in his body go away, like every nerve is vibrating with a consistent electrical current? Will he just get used to it, over time?
Putting it out of his mind helps. There's too much to do for him to think about it for very long. Fortunately Sasuke's very good at compartmentalizing, without even knowing what the word means.
He only makes it one night, before he's creeping back into Itachi's room again. He manages to sleep in his own bed for a night, tells himself he's fine and normal-- but he knows by the night after that, that he can't go any longer without addressing this feeling. Itachi wasn't kidding when he said it became a need. Maybe he could ask Itachi advice on how to cope without it. That's what he tells himself when he slips into his brother's room-- he's just going to ask him how to ignore the feeling.
Instead, he winds up flat on his back again, this time with Itachi's hand wrapped around both of their cocks, stroking them together. It's somehow even better than the first time, and just like the first time, Itachi has to cover his mouth so he doesn't alert their parents.
It becomes a routine, after that. There's no denying that both boys enjoy it, there's only the trouble of hiding it from their parents. Sasuke can't sleep in Itachi's room every night or their parents will take notice and might even try to say that Sasuke isn't allowed to stay in Itachi's room at all anymore. So Itachi makes the rule that Sasuke can only sleep in his bed once per week... but he puts no limits on how often Sasuke slips into his room to "play."
It becomes their coy little word for it. A little secret to keep, that makes Sasuke feel closer than ever to his brother. He even pushes the limits once, shamefully asking Itachi if he'd like to play tonight, right in the middle of the living room. Itachi says yes. Neither of their parents even pay attention. And that night, Itachi torments Sasuke for his audacity by touching and rubbing and squeezing him almost to the point of completion, only to stop-- twice.
In a lot of ways, it is play. It turns into a game for them. At the very least Sasuke tells himself it's training, though it's by fair his favorite training they've even jokingly done together. When they were younger, Sasuke would watch and follow and try his best to do any of the starter routines for young boys just trying to become genin, desperate to follow in his brother's footsteps even then.
Sasuke couldn't remember the amount of bruises and falls and scrapes he'd taken just trying to keep up with his older brother over the years. Certainly more than was responsible for a boy his age, a fact his parents never got to forget thanks to worried aunts and uncles and people that just can't mind their business; their mother and father, though, who saw the work their boys put in and knew the destinies laid at their feet, never had complaints.
He wonders how angry they would be at this. Would they be angry at the way Itachi trails kisses down his neck every night and stifles his voice with his hand, would they be appalled at the way Sasuke asks for it? He learned Itachi always gets a look in his eye whenever Sasuke woke him up by crawling over top of him in bed to straddle his hips, and he learns he likes what comes after.
This had to be preferable to learning how Itachi did, by doing it the wrong way. At least here they smiled, and laughed. Sasuke wasn't scared of what might happen if he gets overwhelmed or needs to stop, and he always has the option of staying in his own room for the night, and never playing at all. Sasuke rarely takes it.
Sasuke is just as exploratory and curious as Itachi, in fact even moreso. Itachi is constantly blown away by the ways Sasuke will find to touch him, fascinated by his older brother's body and the way it's so different from his own, still soft and scrawny with youth. Over the past year, Itachi had really filled out, his chunin training doing him every favor under the sun as it strengthened his arms and legs and his core. Sasuke would trace the lines of Itachi's abs when they flexed with pleasure, and it always made Itachi sigh.
"I want to try something new," Itachi would say sometimes, and then touch Sasuke in a different way, a way that made Sasuke's head spin. He always thought Itachi couldn't make him feel any better, and he would always be wrong.
Tonight he's belly down, between Sasuke's legs. He'd picked tonight specifically because they took a long bath together first. Sasuke had wanted to play in the bath, but Itachi said it was too risky, since their mother would come check on them sometimes. And Sasuke pouted, but acquiesced, knowing he could slip into Itachi's room later.
"Just trust me," Itachi murmurs, as he undoes Sasuke's shorts. A few minutes of heavy grinding and kissing has Sasuke already stiff, his little cock plump and pink, and shorter than Itachi's pinkie finger. He pulls back the foreskin to reveal the light pink tip, and can already feel Sasuke's legs trembling. "Remember I told you about the other kind of grown up kissing?"
Itachi avoids bringing up Mitaro as much as possible. Sasuke knows he doesn't want him thinking about how Itachi is probably still kissing him, too. Itachi just doesn't talk about it-- but that's who he's talking about when he mentions this kind of "kissing." He drags his tongue flat across the tip of Sasuke's cock, and then closes his mouth around Sasuke's cock completely, which isn't even enough to fill his mouth.
Sasuke had always wondered, quietly, what type of playing Mitaro and Itachi had been doing that made him land on his knees. Now that he'd known what kind of kissing Itachi had been talking about, it makes sense, after all. Before he had any context, he had no idea what this could mean. Now it makes sense. Now he knows.
With a gusty breath, Sasuke raises the heel of his palm into his mouth, getting better at least at identifying his sounds, even if he's not getting better at stifling them. Looking down at Itachi with overblown eyes, Sasuke makes a desperate noise in his throat, where it's jammed in place, unable to be released but needing it. This was just another thing, another dizzying, mind-blowing thing Itachi was doing to him, and immediately there's a tremor that starts in Sasuke's thighs, working its way up as his entire body begins to tighten.
"Itach-- I--" Sasuke manages to grit, and one of his little hands slips from where it was clamped over his mouth, desperate to touch his brother but unable to fathom where. He was so far away, doing things Sasuke could never reach, and he gasps as he feels his fingers graze through Itachi's hair, sinking his fingers in to the scalp with relief.
Itachi's mouth is molten hot around him as he sucks, his lips forming a perfect seal and his tongue curled in a flawless cushion underneath Sasuke's cock. He sucks like pulling a drink from a bottle, steady, even pulses of pressure that have shadows darkening on Itachi's cheeks when they hollow. Itachi's eyes are closed, his brows furrowed in concentration as he sucks, and then breaks the seal to lick across Sasuke's cock a couple times.
"Stop me if it's too much," Itachi says, but then goes right back to it, closing his mouth around Sasuke's cock again. He starts to shallowly bob his head, Sasuke with only a couple inches to offer, but still Itachi strokes him with his lips. His tongue remains flat and soft on the underside, and his lips curl tightly around him, massaging the full length every time his head bobs up and down.
"Ah, ah," he whimpers in return. Sasuke's brain doesn't work enough to know if it's 'too much', he's electrified to the spot with feeling. His legs and arms and back feel magnetized to the floor, his body feels heavy with the burden of staying present. Every draw of that tongue and those cheeks makes Sasuke's entire body melt like butter, to the point where he can feel it in his chest, the slow softening of his heart and stomach and groin as he turns into a puddle of goo.
Sasuke never lasts long, but this time feels so fast. Usually he's gotten better at knowing what that roaring sound in his ears meant, or how even to control his breathing to put it off a little, if he so chose. But this, in combat against Itachi's mouth, Sasuke didn't stand a chance. "Itachi, I'm-- It's--" At least he's getting better at talking through the bliss, though not by much.
Itachi doesn't slow down or stop as Sasuke releases across his tongue in meager, clear drops, his body not really developed enough to produce the real thing, but it tastes like saline and salt and Itachi swallows it down. He pulls away and strokes himself while leaned out over Sasuke, just looking at him until he releases over his younger brother's belly. Sasuke swears that the way Itachi looks at him sets him more on fire sometimes than his touch.
It never stops feeling new and exciting every time they play. Most often, Itachi ends up laying between Sasuke's legs, and they rub together until they finish, but even though it's their tried and true method, it still feels like heaven every time. Sasuke gets more confident with it over time, learning how to wrap his legs around Itachi's thighs and roll his hips up to meet him, how to rock into the kisses, and even better at learning when he's about to finish. His record is still only about four minutes, but... it's progress.
"Lay your tongue over your bottom teeth," Itachi instructs one night, with Sasuke poised between his legs. Itachi sucking on him has become one of his favorite things, and he'll often ask for it if Itachi asks what he wants-- but he wanted to return the favor. Itachi's cock isn't large by adult standards, but compared to his baby brother's, four inches might as well be a cannon. "Don't close your mouth yet, just slide it across your tongue to see how deep you can go before you choke."
Of course there's a sense of trepidation with something so new. Of course Sasuke feels daunted by tasting his brother the same way he was tasted by him in turn. They're clean, Itachi makes sure of that, and more and more is dedicated to making sure Sasuke knows that, too. He'd taught him just how to thoroughly clean himself, and the importance of doing so. But this was just them, they weren't dirty.
But first, he licks his lips, just to get them wet. His tongue and mouth feels dry, and he looks down at his brother's dick as it stands in front of him. His hand looks so small curled around just the base, but Itachi was right, he could take what little bit remained. After a moment left to steel himself, he leans forward, tongue posed as shown, and begins to take him without much pomp, circumstance, or technique.
The head, Sasuke realizes, goes down perfectly fine. He feels it grinding against the roof of his mouth, and it makes his belly feel molten as it does; The next inch pushes a bit deeper, working his way back against his tongue, and raising Sasuke's heartbeat as he shifts on his knees in preparation, overthinking it as usual-- the third inch does him in. Sasuke makes a little noise, not a retch, but rather a gasp, and he pulls all the way off of him before looking up at Itachi with wide, overblown eyes, "Was that okay?"
Itachi's brows are pinched with pleasure, his cheeks already dusted pink. His knees are up, the blanket propped across them like a tent so Sasuke has enough room to work. Itachi's bedroom door doesn't lock, so he needs to be able to hide Sasuke quickly if he hears mother or father coming down the hall, but they've never come into Itachi's room in the night, not since he was so little he was still suffering night terrors.
"Yes," Itachi nods. He sounds breathless, and looks at Sasuke with warm eyes. "That was very good, Sasuke. You're a fast learner. Try again, try to go a little farther this time."
His hand is in Sasuke's hair this time as he guides him down gently, not pushing or forcing, just encouraging him deeper. He lets out a long, deep noise in his chest as Sasuke's mouth envelops him in silky heat, even before his lips are closed. His toes curl in his futon, and the speed of his breathing increases-- all from the way Sasuke is touching him. It's incredible, the way Sasuke is able to make his stoic older brother react with even the littlest touches.
It reminds him of the way Itachi makes him sound, but obviously only a fraction. Sasuke makes a satisfied noise in his chest, or he means to, and tilts his head to follow his brother's guiding hand back down, even if his own belly hasn't stopped clenching and unclenching in excited, nervous, adrenaline. Sasuke takes him again, dragging his tongue first across the head like he'd seen Itachi do before, and remembering the way it skittered pleasure up his own spine. He's happy to do it for Itachi, now.
Sasuke realizes he wants to hear more little noises his brother might make, the way it makes him burn with pride is almost more intense than the pleasure he derives. This time he really does push, that third inch going down easier without him getting in his own way. With a breath Sasuke forces his throat to go slack, and he realizes he can slip that third inch down just fine.
Another breath gusts from Sasuke's nose, fanning broad across Itachi's hips. He makes a noise as he shifts, and finally steeling himself, Sasuke closes his eyes, and takes the fourth inch.
Itachi makes a noise like he'd been punched in the gut, breathy and short before he manages to stifle his voice. He holds his breath, his head tipped back, and pulls on Sasuke's hair to get him to lift his head. His cock is shiny and so is Sasuke's chin, where he'd drooled messily from his open mouth.
"Good, good," Itachi praises breathlessly. "This time, close your lips around it. When you move your head up, suck tightly, so that your cheeks cave in, like how I do for you." Sasuke lowers his mouth again to cover Itachi's cock, but gets a little hiss from the older boy. "Teeth, still, watch the teeth. Keep your tongue flat underneath," he warns gently.
It's a lot to remember, especially for someone as young as Sasuke, but he's good at following instruction, and difficult tasks have never stopped him before. Itachi sighs in pleasure as Sasuke bobs his head down, and Itachi reminds him, "Now suck, tight, tight-- oh... yes, Sasuke, just like that. Just like that, good."
The praise joins the quivering, warm mass writhing in his belly. Sasuke makes a noise as he adjusts on the bed, to get a better vantage point and sink lower down. With his mouth closed it was a bit easier to understand the choking, there didn't seem to be enough room for his tongue and Itachi's cock, but Sasuke remembers to relax and breathe, just like his brother had said, and he finds himself adjusting to the feeling before long, moving and licking and sucking occasionally as he acclimates simply to the feeling of taking him.
And with another little whimper, Sasuke moves, leaning back and bobbing down in an experimental motion. He knows this was how Itachi had done it for him. Glancing up, Sasuke does it again, just to see how his brother may react.
There are little ways that Sasuke has gotten Itachi to react while they play. More often than not it's Itachi leading, as he does in all things, and Sasuke is happy to follow him because Itachi is older, and always knows best, and never steers him wrong. But this little journey of pleasure they've been on together is something they're taking together for the first time, both equally inexperienced with such frequent and adoring touching like this. So in some ways, Sasuke manages to gain the upper hand, earning groans and gasps from his brother when he takes him by surprise with a particular touch.
But even so, Itachi usually leads. It's only in moments like these where Sasuke can relish what it feels like to make Itachi the one squirming and gasping-- and he's doing both now. When Sasuke looks up at him, Itachi's head is tipped back, and the hand that isn't in Sasuke's hair bends up to tug at his own hair, the column of his throat exposed and glowing in the moonlight slanting through the window.
His chest is heaving, a flush creeping from his face all the way down to the collar of his shirt, where his fingers move to pluck them open because the heat in his body is increasing with every stroke of Sasuke's mouth. His chest is shiny with sweat, his toned muscles all clenching and releasing in hard lines as pleasure ripples visibly through Itachi's body.
"Good," he whispers, raking his hair back out of his face again and groaning low in his chest. "Good, good--"
More words that burn magma into Sasuke's gut. More things to think about later. Breathing fire across Itachi's cock, Sasuke pulls up just to catch his breath, licking his lips and finding the nervous dryness from his mouth gone, replaced with a desperate wetness. It's almost like drool, which is disgusting and beneath him, but Sasuke likes the idea of his brother getting his mouth so wet.
He barely has his second to breathe before Itachi's hand in his hair urgently guides him down, and Sasuke opens his mouth again to take him, nodding eagerly as he closes his mouth and quickly remembers to cover his teeth with his tongue. Itachi's cock claims him again, and Sasuke grunts and moans, relaxing his throat and going soft, so his brother can sink deeper, still.
Leaning up and going down, Sasuke begins to incorporate the plunging of his throat in unison with the sucking of his cheeks and the desperate grinding of his tongue pinned beneath his dick. Itachi's tongue was better, but Sasuke wanted to taste him, so he licks and suckles him all the same, hands finding the soft skin across his brother's hips and sinking his fingers in to hold on.
"Ah-- Sasuke-- Sasuke--" Itachi moans his name softly, and Sasuke is awash with heat like never before. "Sasuke, I'm close. I'm close, almost-- don't stop. Don't stop, Sasuke, I'm so close--"
It's a taste and texture Sasuke isn't expecting. It's gooey and hot, and tastes like a cross between saliva and snot and tears, salty and ever so faintly tasting like the dinner they had that night, spicy with onions. It's weird, but not unbearable, or even really unpleasant, and luckily there isn't very much of it.
"Swallow it," Itachi urges as he pulls Sasuke's head up and away from his spent cock. He watches his brother's throat bob as he gulps it down, and his hand moves from Sasuke's hair to his chin. "Open. Let me see."
Sasuke's tongue is shiny as the moonlight hits it, and Itachi slides his thumb into his mouth, pinning his tongue down and stroking it with the pad, which is rough and tastes like salt. Itachi's expression looks mesmerized, worshipful and soft, but his thoughts are a mystery to Sasuke, as he stays silent until pulling his thumb back out to stroke the now-wet pad in a line across Sasuke's jaw.
"Good, Sasuke. Come here," he urges, to pull the boy up across his lap. He's sitting up, boldly perched across Itachi's lap. It would be hard to hide him if their parents came in, but they never have before. Itachi grinds the heel of his hand between Sasuke's legs, rubbing against his cock through his shorts. "You're learning so quickly. You are going to be quite the formidable lover for someone, someday."
Sasuke nearly yelps before his hand claps over his mouth with an audible noise. He gasps through his fingers as Itachi's fingers grinds cruel circles into his crotch. Looking down at his brother, there's no higher compliment he thinks he could ever recieve, to know that at least he'd made Itachi feel so good, he thinks Sasuke is good. Of course both of their experience is limited, of course, obviously, innocent fooling would be nicer than the demanding hands of a man...
But all Sasuke can hear is the praise. He doesn't consider what may or may not still be going on behind the scenes. He knows he has very pointedly not seen Mitaro around. His gut sours just thinking that his mouth may have been where Sasuke's was now, or worse, that it hadn't been. Who deserved this pleasure more than Itachi? No one.
Forcing his hand down and away from his mouth, Sasuke forces himself to breathe, to not make a sound. At least, nothing like that, anything that could get them in trouble, "It's.... good," he finally forces himself to speak, gritting through his teeth and huffing desperately through his nose, cheeks pink and eyes pleading.
Itachi pops the button on his shorts to pull him out. Sasuke's cock is too small to wrap his full hand around, so he just uses his index, middle finger and thumb to stroke him, pulling his foreskin along with the little squeezing pumps of his fingers. Sasuke's cock is so pink and soft, contrasting the already hard-calloused and rough hands that Itachi has built up from his training and schooling. His eyes flick from it up to Sasuke's face, equally pink and soft, and he reaches up with his free hand to cradle Sasuke's cheek.
"I want you to always feel like this, Sasuke," he tells him softly. "I want you to always remember us like this. Can you promise me you will?"
He speaks such sentimental words while doing such devilish things with his fingers, putting so much strain on his little brother's body and mind in unison. He swirls his thumb over the head of Sasuke's cock and pulls his foreskin, pushes it back down and reaches under with his fingers to play with his little balls-- all while speaking to him so sweetly, as if they're on a date instead of fooling around in secret in the dead of night.
"O-Okay," Sasuke gasps, entire body writhing up as he manages to make a word, and that in itself is a victory. He doesn't always manage it. He's awash with emotion, too overwhelmed to really think. Itachi's hand feels like heaven, so much so that trying to consider always feels like so long-- But yeah, of course, why wouldn't he remember his brother like this? He always remembered his brother well, as the powerful, intelligent, patient, kind eldest heir to the Uchiha name.
It seems to hit Sasuke after a particular grind that Itachi means like this. He wants Sasuke to remember them like this. That makes another wave of heat run through him, and Sasuke is left to wonder why that is. After all, he hadn't really said anything that would normally make his belly feel tight.
But the fact Itachi wants him to remember this, Sasuke commits this moment to memory. Toes curled and knees risen to his elbows, Sasuke can only look up at Itachi with wonder as he nods, then nods again, "I'll remember you," Sasuke promises, nodding, and forgets to finish his sentence as his back arches up, high into the air. This time he stifles his own gasp, sucking in air through his teeth, quiet enough not to get caught.
When Sasuke cums, he has to watch Itachi lick it off his fingers, and it makes his belly feel squirmy and tight. Thankfully he can stay the night tonight, because his legs would hardly hold him far enough to get to his room. He pillows his cheek on Itachi's shoulder, feeling warm through his whole body, and he drifts off wondering why Itachi wanted him to remember his brother while they were playing. Maybe he would never get an answer.
It's not until a year later that he realizes, some 7-odd months since the death of his entire family, what Itachi was asking him that night. Sasuke can only wonder whether he was already planning his evil plot even then, touching him so sweetly with hands that would bathe red in their parents blood just five months after.
One thing is for sure-- Sasuke will never give Itachi what he asked for. He will always remember his brother as a traitor, a murderer and a fraud. And if ever in the middle of the night he's lying in bed alone and missing the company of another warm person, nobody else has to know the way his body betrays him.