Chapter Text
I wake up with the sun streaming on my face and I groan throwing the blankets over my face and trying to shield myself from the prying sunlight. Over the years it’s almost become a game in our household trying to get me out of bed, Peeta and the kids treat it as one anyways. I have grown to love it even if the kids are brutal with their tactics of getting me up. It mostly involves jumping on me and elbows to the ribs, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today however seems to be particularly hard to get out of bed, a spring digs into my back and I toss and turn trying to get comfortable again but it’s no use. It’s unsettling, it’s the exact spot where my old bed back from the Seam, before my first game used to have a spring loose.
I hear a noise come from what sounds like the kitchen but is way too close for that to be the truth. I open my eyes and it takes me a few minutes to register where I am, the last time I was here was the day I was reaped...the first time.
This can’t be, there is absolutely no way that I am back here, in my childhood home…in the Seam. I close my eyes trying to remember the events of the night before, Peeta and I stayed up late doing laundry while the kids were in bed and fast asleep. I remember calling my mom and checking in on her and double-checking that she was still coming in a week to visit. Then me and Peeta went to bed, that was the last thing that I remembered. There was no way I dreamt nearly twenty years of my life, it all had to be real, right? I must be dreaming right now, yeah that must be it. I’m going to walk into that kitchen to see Prim on fire or my dead father standing there. This has to be some weird nightmare.
I slowly get out of bed and walk into the kitchen where I hear noises coming from, I’m terrified to walk into that room and see what’s before me. I have to face my fears however, damn it; I am the Mockingjay! I survived two Hunger Games and a rebellion and suddenly I’m scared of a little noise?! Sack up Katniss!
I take a deep breath settling my nerves, it’s now or never. I walk into the hallway and out into the main part of the house, the same house I grew up in... the same house I know was bombed after the Quarter Quell. I saw the charred remains of what once was, but then how am I here? How am I back in time?
I looked around and everything is exactly as I remember it, even down to the dirty dishes in the sink. I look to my left and see my mother doing something in the kitchen, she looks so much younger.
My breath is sucked out of me as I watch her in utter astonishment, over the years after the war my mother and I grew closer. Our relationship wasn’t perfect but once I got married and had kids of my own, I understood better what she went through when my father died. Even the thought of losing Peeta sends me into a manic episode and it takes hours to console me. I could never fathom actually losing him, I know that if I ever lost him that I would end up in the same state that my mother was in; lost.
Looking at her now, she looks so incredibly sad and it makes me hate my younger self for ever being so rude and angry towards her. After the war, it took some time, but she was finally happy and that’s all that I could have hoped for at the time. She was working at the hospital in four and living life as best as she could after everything that had happened to us.
But was all of that still real, or was all of that a dream? Was the happy life I had with my husband and three kids now all just a part of the past? Or was it a part of the future? Wow, this could really get confusing...
My mother looks up and sees me standing here in front of her and gives me a somber smile. I smile back but it doesn’t reach my eyes, I’m still tired from sleep and currently trying to figure out what the hell is going on!
“Good morning, you still going out? I could really use some more herbs I’m starting to run low.” My mother says absentmindedly as she starts the kettle to make some tea. I move my hands to run them through my hair but stop short, where are my scars? Where is the evidence of the firebombs that have been burned onto my hands for the past twenty years? The scars that I have learned to wear with pride, where did they go?
I look at my arms knowing what I am going to see but continue to look anyways, nothing, I see absolutely nothing. It isn’t until this precise moment that I start to actually think about the possibility that maybe somehow, I went back in time. Even to my ear’s it sounds crazy, but it is the only explanation for what was happening. I once remember Beetee talking about time travel and theoretical physics one day while we were in District 13. At the time I thought he was mad but look who’s the crazy one now…me.
My mother gives me a strange look, but I ignore it going to the bathroom to look in the mirror, I gasp in shock and let out a little shriek without meaning to. Every single scar, from the games and the war; they’re all gone. I move my hands through my hair looking for the bald spots I know are there, but all my hands find is hair. There are no bald spots. I lift up my shirt to examine my stomach and even my stretch marks from being pregnant are all gone. I barely have time to even register the fact that I look 20 years younger, I look like my 16-year-old self, however, on the inside I’m actually 36 and a two-time Hunger Games victor and the fricken Mockingjay! Somehow all of that has just been wiped away and I have been given a new chance, a fresh start and I intend to use it well.
My mother rushes into the bathroom worried something happened, instead, she finds me in front of a cracked mirror with a horrified expression on my face, how is this happening? I don’t know whether to be terrified or ecstatic that this is happening.
“Katniss?” My mother starts to ask me a question, but I spin around cutting off her thoughts, I need an answer. There’s only one question that I can think to ask.
“What’s today?” I ask looking her in the eye to see the confusion on her face clear as day. She studies me for a few moments and all I want to do is shake her and get the answer out of her. I want to jump into her arms and apologize for everything that has happened and is about to happen if I am correct in assuming what I think today is.
“It’s May 17th . It’s reaping day.” My mother answers and my stomach drops immediately as she confirms what I think is true, it’s the day of my first reaping. The day that truly changed my life forever. I really did somehow travel back in time, now that I think about it, it’s 20 years to the day. It was May 17th in the future as well. But then that meant...
“Prim,” I whispered the name never thinking I would see her again after what happened, after she died. It took me getting pregnant with my first child to even fathom cleaning out her room in my house in the Victor’s Village. If I was back for real then Prim was alive and I had a second chance with her as well, to save her this time.
I rush out of the bathroom nearly knocking my mother over in the process. When I woke up this morning, I was so confused I didn’t even notice Prim sleeping in the other bed. I run into the room and see her and immediately jump on the bed right on top of her, just like my kids would do to wake me and Peeta up in the morning. I push thoughts of my family to the side for now only focusing on the fact that I have my little sister back!
“Katniss!! What are you doing? Get off of me!” Prim tries to push me off of her but it’s no use because there’s no way that I’m getting up anytime soon. She’s here and this is all actually real, it seems like some sort of sick game the Capitol would play on me, but I know in my gut that none of this is fabricated. No one could even possibly fabricate any of this.
“You’re alive,” I whisper as I hold Prim tightly to my chest, I let her go after a few moments and it was like looking into the mirror with the scowl that she gave me. I hold her face in my hands astonished at the sight before me.
“Katniss are you feeling okay? You’re acting strange.” Prim says and I can’t help but laugh which probably doesn’t help my cause of making my mother and sister think I’m not insane. I shake my head still in disbelief about everything that is currently happening to me, I can understand why they might be taken aback by how I’m acting. I remember being 16 and thinking that the world was working against me and that the only time I ever truly smiled was in the woods with Gale. But after the war and with Peeta in my life I learned how to smile again and laugh and be happy, I’m no longer that brooding 16-year-old who thinks the world is out to get her. I am a wife and a mother and despite everything that happened between me and my mother, I am a daughter, someone who learned that sometimes you have to go through all of the tough shit in order to get the happily ever after.
The smile slowly fades from my face when I think about my family however, they don’t exist. My eyes start to water at the thought of never hearing my daughters laugh as Peeta plays with her in the living room, or never seeing either of my son's bright smiles again as I make funny faces at either of them. Getting a second chance to do everything over is all fine and great until now when I realize what I have given up in order to be here. My heart sinks at the thought of having to wait years in order to get them back.
Peeta…my heart sinks to my stomach for what seems like the millionth time since I woke up. He’s gone too, at this point in my life I have never spoken to my boy with the bread; he’s not just in the next room making bread or painting, he's across town. I have to start all over with him as well, I don’t want to have to wait to see him. I wish I could run over to the bakery and tell him how much I love him and treasure him and just have him wrap me up in his arms, but I know that’s not plausible. For the first time since I woke up, I wish I could just leave things the way that they were and go back to the future. I don’t want this second chance anymore, just as I seem to start to love my life the way it is, I lose everything again.
“Katniss?” My mother asks breaking me from my sobering thoughts, I look over at her tears in my eyes and then I look back at Prim and I don’t even know what to say to either of them. Do I tell them? Do I keep this a secret? No Katniss, you keep this to yourself they will really think you have gone mental if you tell them that you are from THE FUTURE. Leave well enough alone.
I have to make a decision however; do I want to leave things the way that they are, or do I want to try and use my knowledge to help prevent what I know will happen? I make the split-second decision knowing that there is no way that I could stand by and not use my knowledge of the future to help move things along.
“I’m fine. I just...had a bad dream is all.” I lie through my teeth knowing very well that the two of them will believe this lie.
“Must have been a really bad dream if you woke up thinking I was dead.” Prim says rubbing the sleep from her eyes and yawning, the sound of her voice nearly makes me start sobbing. After going so many years without hearing it I have forgotten what it sounded like.
“Yeah. Must have been, little duck.” Without thinking I move to get her hair out of her face with my hands, it takes all of my concentration to stop them from shaking.
“Shouldn’t you already be gone for the day? If you don’t leave soon you won’t have enough time to get ready.” Prim says and I sigh knowing that she’s right, if I want to at least keep up appearances I need to go out into the woods to meet Gale.
Gale. I haven’t thought about him in years, and haven’t spoken to him in years either. Now I have to somehow face him like we are best friends, hunting partners; because at this point in my life that’s exactly what we are. I know that it wasn’t Gale's fault that those bombs were released, and I know that he isn’t at fault for Prim's death, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult to think about. Whenever I see him, I immediately think of her and how even though it’s not his fault, it was his idea that ultimately got her killed in the end.
“Yeah, I should probably get going.” I quickly give Prim a kiss on the cheek and get up from the bed doing the same with my mother, it was second nature to me at this point. Looking at her shocked face reminded me however that it wasn’t something I did, ever. I never showed her any affection, maybe I should start.
I quickly change and head out the door, I take the path to the loose part of the fence near my house like it's second nature, old habits die extremely hard in my case, I guess. I have to remind myself to double-check whether or not anyone is around or watching me, I look both ways before slipping under the fence easily.
It doesn’t take long for me to find my bow and quiver and make my way over to mine and Gale's spot, my hands immediately begin to sweat out of nervousness. I take a few deep breaths to remain calm and remember that I need to keep up appearances, especially with Gale, he will know if something is up. He also would never believe me if I told him what was actually going on.
I sit down next to him and I can’t help but sit away from him a little bit, I don’t have the same relationship with him that I did when I was 16. I sigh knowing that he is going to notice immediately that something is wrong, good thing I can use Prims first reaping as an excuse for being tense.
“Hey Catnip, you okay? You seem off.” He states and I take a deep breath using the last bit of resolve I have left to act as if nothing is wrong.
“Yeah, I’m just, on edge I guess this being Prims first reaping and all,” I say hearing my voice proud of myself for being able to keep my voice steady, I look over at Gale and can tell that he believes what I am telling him.
“Catnip there’s no reason to be nervous, she only has one slip in there. She is as safe as she can be.” Gale says bumping shoulders with me and I sigh, oh how wrong he is. Out of the hundreds of slips of paper in that bowl, she is the ONE that gets picked.
I feel like somehow I am lying to everyone by not letting them know the information that is stored away in my memories about the events of the next few years. I feel like a fraud knowing that this is the last normal day for everyone, knowing that once I go to the Capitol and get thrust into these games nothing will ever be the same again. This is the beginning of the end for this version of Panem, I feel this weight on my shoulders knowing the fate of the entire country and not being able to tell a single soul about any of it.
I spend the morning with Gale hunting and I didn’t realize how much I missed this until I was in the woods smiling with my best friend again. I spent so long thinking about the fact that it was his bomb, his blueprints that killed my sister that I never stopped to realize what I had lost in return.
“We could leave you know? Go off live in the woods, we already know how to hunt and survive.” Gale says and I sigh knowing that’s not even an option even if District 13 is right around the corner.
“Gale…you and I both know we can’t do that. We have families and we can’t very well all just disappear without raising suspicion.” I say knowing I’m right and knowing there’s no way I can leave if I want my future back. I need to stay and fight and be the Mockingjay, the country needs me. Which sounds a bit conceded but am I wrong?
“Yeah, I guess.” He says sad and looks down at his hands and I sigh as well knowing what’s going to happen to us, that this is our last day just being us.
“Come on, we better get back so we can prepare for the reaping,” I say standing up and throwing a berry into my mouth knowing we still need to go to the Hob and make trades for what we have caught and gathered.
We make our rounds and I make it home just in time to take a bath and get ready. It feels strange not having a shower and having to take a bath in this giant bucket. My mother lays out one of her old dresses for me to wear and I smile running my hands over it. I quickly throw it on and she comes into the room and ties the ribbon around my waist and raises the hairbrush in her hand telling me she is ready to do my hair.
I sit backward on the edge of my bed and she stands behind me starting to braid my hair in intricate braids.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t been fair to you these years since Dad died and I’m sorry for not understanding.” I say and her hands pause for a brief second before continuing to braid.
“There’s no need to apologize Katniss, I know I checked out after your father…it wasn’t fair to either of you, especially you. You had to take on a mother role and provide where I should have.” She answers and I nod my head listening knowing she is partially right.
She puts the last hairpin in my hair and she pats my shoulders and kisses the top of my head before leaving the room. The simple gesture makes me remember my kids and it makes me tear up, it’s something I did to each of them every morning. I take a slow deep breath and whisper to myself, “Okay no more of this, no more thinking of the future unless it’s necessary. Thinking of the kids is just going to drive you crazy.”
I stand up wipe the tears from under my eyes and walk into the main living space in our tiny little house. “Gotta tuck in that tail little duck,” I say to Prim tucking in the back of her shirt into her skirt.
“Quack quack,” Prim says and it makes us all laugh as we walk out the door, I hold Prim’s hand as everyone in the Seam makes the walk into town to the main square.
We make it into the square and they take down our names and we find a place in the girl's area according to our age and I take another deep breath as I see Madge and I suddenly feel sad knowing that she doesn’t make it and she’s the one who gives me that pin. She was the one who created the Mockingjay imagery and she doesn’t live on to see it flourish. She was always nice to me even though we barely talked we always stuck together, she’s someone I would have liked to get to know.
I sit through the stupid propaganda video Snow made for us to watch to keep us all in check and I can’t help but think how stupid it all is. It’s all so flimsy if a few berries can take it down in a Hunger Games. But it’s the slight threat of what might happen if we try to rebel that keeps us in check but not anymore.
The mayor then moves on to make his yearly speech that never changes so I block it out, he is about to introduce Haymitch when I notice he isn’t in his seat onstage. Then he stumbles on stage bottle in hand and runs directly into Effie making her wig go ascue making me giggle. Leave it to Haymitch to make a show.
I know Haymitch is a part of the rebellion right now and I will find time to tell him I know about it and want to join or do something. Then again I’m just a little girl here that hasn’t even been in the games yet and for all he knows I’m not going to make it out. Because District 12 hasn’t had a Victor in decades.
I will just need to defy the Capitol in my own ways, the berries being the prime example but what can I do? And what will Snow do in return is the other question. Maybe playing it safe is a good option as well.
The video stops and I close my eyes waiting for the moment Prim’s name is called.
I hear Effie walk up to the bowl, “Ladies first.”
A few moments later I hear her walk up to the mic and say the name aloud, “Primrose Everdeen!”
I paint a look of shock on my face the best I can and whip around to find her standing in the back of the group. I watch her walk up to the stage slowly and almost forget, I run through the crowd and push her behind me before yelling “I volunteer!! I volunteer as tribute!”
Effie looks shocked but also slightly excited, she may get on my nerves because she’s from the Capitol and overall self-centered but she is a character.
Prim clings to my waist not wanting to let me go, I have to pry her off me, “Let go Prim.” Then suddenly I feel her yanked off me and I turn around to see Gale carrying her back to our mom.
“Katniss!! Katniss!!” She screams and my heartbreaks not remembering her screams of terror. She knows this could very well be the last day she sees me alive in the flesh, but I know it's not.
I am escorted by two peacekeepers to the stage, they grab my arms and I yank them free not needing to be dragged along I wasn’t fighting them to begin with. I walk up the stairs and right up to Effie standing on her right side and she turns to me with a giant smile on her face.
“What’s your name young lady?” She asks.
“Katniss Everdeen,” I say into the mic shoulders pushed back head held high making myself look strong, I remember from when I was doing propos that Plutarch would always have to remind me to stand straight and look strong and in command.
“I would bet my bottom dollar that was your little sister, can’t let her have all the fun can you?” She asks and I slowly turn my head to look at her like she’s crazy for making that statement.
“Well let’s hear it for our female tribute from District 12 Katniss Everdeen!” Effie says but the crowd stays silent and slowly one by one they all raise their three middle fingers to their mouths and then into the air and just like the first time it brings me to tears. But I don’t get the chance to shed any before Haymitch stumbles across the stage.
“Look at her. Look at this one! I like her, she’s got…spunk.” I try my hardest not to chuckle because he is amusing sometimes but I should be scared not smiling. It doesn’t help that I know what’s going to happen, I know I make it out so I’m not worried.
“More than you! More than you!” He points to Effie and then into the camera. He is so drunk that he stumbles off stage and falls off knocking himself out and I just shake my head. This man is in charge of my well-being in the games, it’s amazing he actually succeeds.
“Okay…now moving on to the male tribute.” She says moving over to the other side of the stage and reaching into the other bowl. She pulls out one piece of paper and even though I know whose name is on the piece of paper my stomach still drops because I don’t want to think about him being hurt in the games.
She moves back over to the mic and unfolds the paper and I watch her with bated breath, “Peeta Mellark.”