Chapter Text
Sitting in her car, Sara drew in a deep breath when she looked across to the empty space where Grissom’s car was usually parked. In other circumstances it wasn’t unusual for his space to be empty because sometimes he arrived a short time after she did, or visa versa. She allowed herself to smile a little when she remembered their first few months together when she always used to get that little tingle inside her body whenever he got home before she did. There was something about his domestic side that drove her crazy, and on more than one occasion, breakfast had been ruined because food was the furthest thing from their minds.
When they were at work, she would often take her time in letting her eyes linger over his body, delighted that she could partake in this not so guilty pleasure of hers. But as in so many times in the past, he would catch her watching him, and return a sultry smile that sent her body into overdrive, knowing all too well that his smouldering gaze sent shards of anticipation and desire through her whenever she was around him. Half of the time she swore he did it on purpose, because he knew the kind of affect they had on one another. She smiled at that thought; he knew he could have anything he wanted when he offered her that smile of his.
She loved that she could see him in his casual jeans and t-shirt, or clad just in his boxers while he moved around the bedroom. She loved the fact that she could touch him whenever she wanted and love him like she had always longed to. He was so tightly interwoven inside her that at times she didn’t know where he ended and she began. Before she had become involved with him personally, she hadn’t thought it was possible to feel so completely devoted to another human being. But last night’s events were testing her commitment to him, causing a tidal wave of doubt that left her feeling deeply confused.
Getting out of her car she made her way to the front door, uncertainty dogging her every step. Even before her key turned in the lock, she could feel something break inside her, and she didn’t know if she had the strength she needed to recover this time. Sara slowly opened the door to Grissom’s town house and peered inside uncertainly before stepping over the threshold. Her whole body felt like a ten-tonne truck had battered headlong into it, and dealing with Grissom’s latest oblivious jaunt made her head hurt. It had been a rough night, both personally as well as professionally. Right at this moment Sara didn’t really know where she belonged, or even if she really belonged anywhere at all.
She’d had her fair share of disappointments over the years, and she thought she’d taken every kind of crap that life could throw at her, but this whole business was a totally different ball game that left her utterly numb inside. There was absolutely nothing which could compare with finding out second hand that the man she loved had spent the night with another woman, especially when that other woman was an ex lover.
Oh, she had tried to be logical and believe he was being his usual clueless self, but after meeting the woman he’d spent the night with, every doubt she’d ever had about his love for her came crashing to the fore. Work was a nightmare. She’d had to act normal, unable to let anyone see just how much this was affecting her. No one knew about them, yet she felt as if everyone was watching her with sympathetic eyes. Hiding the hurt and unbearable humiliation had left her feeling utterly bone weary and completely dejected.
Out of all her past relationships, she always had known that Grissom was the one true love of her life. In her perfect world he would be the man who would never cheat on her like her previous boyfriend had. But whatever the circumstances, he had either chosen not to tell her where he was last night, or he just had forgotten all about her. She thought she had recovered from the devastation his sabbatical had caused, but now she was fighting to breathe once again in the wake of Lady Heather. She’d began to wonder if he even thought of her at all when he made these decisions that left her questioning her position in his life.
Walking inside, she pushed the door closed behind her and made her way into the darkened room. She was suddenly struck by how quiet and empty it felt, and how the beautiful framed butterflies stood out against the stark white walls. Everything about this room was so Grissom. His presence dominated the soft furnishings that Sara had added when she moved in here. This house had become her sanctuary; the place where she cherished her time with the man she loved. As she looked around the room now, she felt anything but contented. For the first time since she’d moved into the house she now shared with Grissom, it didn’t feel like home.
“Hey baby,” she smiled when their dog came running down the stairs to greet her. He was a welcome relief to her right at this moment, now that the stark emptiness of the room made everything feel so much lonelier. Tears filled her eyes, but she defiantly blinked them away before turning her attention to the Boxer at her feet. “You know, you’re not supposed to be upstairs,” she told him with a smile, trying to speak in her firmest voice but failed miserably. “But I’ll let you off this time.”
Reaching down she patted the dog’s head and moved around him to throw her bag and keys on the counter. Hank followed her as if he sensed that something wasn’t quite right and he cocked his head to the side when she bent down to wrap her arms around his neck. “You still love me don’t you, baby?”
The dog snorted and nuzzled her ear before she pulled away from him and kissed the top of his furry head. “Let’s find you something to eat and then we’ll get out of here, just you and me, how does that sound?”
Tears slipped over her cheeks, but she angrily swiped them away as she stood back up and went to the cupboard where they kept Hank’s food. Taking out various cans, she set some aside to take with her, and for a fleeting moment she was glad that she hadn’t let her old apartment go. Maybe subconsciously she’d been waiting for this all to end. Maybe she was just destined to be alone after all. Well not totally alone, she mused as she smiled down at their dog’s adorable face.
Reaching for the can opener, she waved it in the air. “You know, these things always bring back memories of when I was a kid.” Her hands shook slightly as she opened the can of dog food. Hank had become her shrink of sorts; she often found herself confiding pieces of her past to him. He would just sit and stare at her, cocking his head to the side as she released the dark parts of her childhood that still plagued her. “One of these triggered my first beating.”
Sara emptied the meat into his bowl and gagged slightly as the smell hit her. Sucking in a breath, she turned to her confidante before moving the offensive smelling food away from her. “My mom came up to my room that day…”
Picking up the bowl she placed it onto the floor and sat down beside the dog, stroking his back while he ate. “She had this can in her hands and said she needed me to open it…I was six I think…” Sara’s eyes drifted to the tiled floor. “I remember looking at her thinking she was crazy but then I saw her fingers and I just froze…she was crying and begging me to open it because she couldn’t…” Closing her eyes she tried to shake the image away, but the vision of her battered mother wouldn’t fade. “He’d broken her fingers…every single one…”
Sara pulled herself away from the anger and swiped the tears from her face. “I followed her downstairs and pulled the can opener from the draw…” she glanced over at the boxer who was still eating and stroked his soft fur. “The next thing I knew I was on the floor with my dad standing over me and my mom screaming at him to leave me alone…I must have blacked out because when I woke up, I was in a hospital bed while my parents were lying to the doctors saying that I’d fallen down the stairs…pretty lame, huh…”
Sara drew in another breath and swallowed down the growing ache in her chest. These visions from her past had become less frequent over the past two years, but sometimes little things triggered them, and she found herself transported back into that world of fear which she’d tried so hard to leave behind.
“The beatings started more regularly after that day. I was terrified of my father, and sometimes I wished he would just go away…I hated him for what he did to us…I hated him for making my brother leave…”
Memories crashed around her causing her to gasp in a breath, and right now she wanted nothing more than to be in Grissom’s arms, to feel his love around her and whisper his reassurance that she wasn’t alone anymore. But he wasn’t here, and she’d never felt so isolated in her whole life. “My brother was all I had and he chased him away…He left me behind and I spent most of my life refusing to forgive him for leaving me…”
Sara’s mind drifted back to Grissom. The way she felt that day when her brother left was the way she was feeling now. Somehow her past was colliding with the present and bringing up so many unwanted memories along with it. She wanted to forget the hatred on her father’s face, she wanted to forget the desolation her brother’s absence left behind, but Grissom’s eyes when he’d tried to explain his reasons for spending the night at Heather's refused to fade from her mind. Maybe she should have stayed and listened to what he had to say for himself, but she couldn’t trust her own tempestuous emotions. If she’d have stayed, she would have probably said some things that she would forever regret, and bitter words spoken in anger were the ones that always left their mark.
She hadn’t known at the time if she was more hurt than angry. Regardless of his lame excuses, he still went ahead and did something that would leave repercussions, most of them heading towards her as she tried to cope with the fallout from his next big mistake. He hadn’t thought of her at all, just like so many times over the past two years, and she’d began to question whether their relationship was as important to him as it was to her.
“I’m beginning to think I’m better at dealing with pain than I am with love,” she chuckled slightly although there was no humour in her voice. “Maybe I missed my calling, isn’t being a Dominatrix about domination and pain? I should ask Grissom to recommend me for a job there, at least then when he spends the night with her, I’d know where he was!”
Sighing heavily, Sara stood up, leaving Hank to eat his food and made her way up the stairs to the bedroom. She tried to avoid looking at the large bed where they’d made love so many times. She attempted to push the feelings of betrayal away from her thoughts, but she couldn’t seem to do it no matter how hard she tried. Walking around to ‘her side’ of the bed, she briefly contemplated her future as she pulled open the bedside drawers. Reaching inside she started taking out some of the clothes before tossing the garments onto the bed. Maybe her actions would seem a little drastic, but she thought them justified. Her life had become so complicated lately and now she was the one who needed to get away from this house and everything in it.
Hank came padding into the bedroom a few minutes later and sat down by the door to watch her. Sara couldn’t help but offer him a sad smile. “If you don’t want to be with me either, I’ll understand…after all, this place has a yard, and it’s bigger than my apartment…maybe you should stay here with him.” Tears pooled in her eyes as she pulled a bag out from the closet and began to stuff her things into it.
The dog left his place in the doorway and jumped up onto the bed before flopping down next to her clothes. “You know, I’m probably doing you both a favour,” she spoke again, sadness filling her voice. “I don’t really know if I was supposed to move in with him, it just sort of happened…” she bit her lip, talking more to herself than the dog that was looking at her, his head tilting with every word.
“You know, even with her whole body covered in bruises she’s still beautiful. I can’t compete with that, Hank. I don’t have beauty or elegance…I’m just…” she looked down at her body and hung her arms limply by her side. “I’m just, this.”
She had stood in that hospital room watching her boyfriend look at another woman in a similar way to how he looked at , and she’d suddenly felt so inadequate next to the dominatrix. So she’d practically fled from the room, unable to look at either of them as her mind swam with fears that she’d thought she’d left behind long ago. The uncertainties that she’d had so many months ago when Grissom had left her to go on his sabbatical were back. Sara had thought that together they’d put her doubts of unworthiness to rest, that he loved her like he claimed he did, but now she wasn’t so sure about anything.
“Maybe I should just go,” she turned to the dog on the bed again. “I had to wait for years to get him to have dinner with me, and now he’s over there, doing—“ she closed her eyes, trying to block out the image of the shock on his face when he’d seen her in Heather’s hospital room. “He’s there, and I’m here talking to a dog…” Sara smiled sadly and gave Hank another pat on the head, silently apologising. “But you’re a good listener, baby.”
Sighing heavily, Sara walked across to the closet and pulled various clothes from their hangers and threw them on the bed. Leaving him, even for a short a time was breaking her heart, and as she was pulling out clothes to take with her, she was fighting with herself to understand his reasons for doing what he did. Everything was so confusing, and she didn’t know what she was supposed to feel. Was it even jealousy that raged through her, or was it the inevitable feeling of loss that came with fearing her relationship with him was coming to an end? Either way, whenever she thought she could pull herself through this and greet him with forgiveness, his actions rampaged through her mind again causing her to keep the anger and pain in the forefront of her thoughts.
Sara’s eyes filled with tears again as her mind conjured up images of betrayal, not just from Grissom, but every single person who had hurt her. Pushing them away, she moved back over to the bedside draw and eyed a long box that she’d placed in there yesterday. Wrapping her fingers around the edges she stared down at it, already fearing the implications, while placing her other hand over her still flat stomach.
“If I’m pregnant, do you think he’ll want this baby?” she asked their dog softly, her voice catching as she looked between the bathroom and the box in her hand. She’d suspected she was pregnant for a few weeks now; she was a couple of day’s late, bouts of sickness, tiredness and now sudden urges to burst into tears, they all aligned her fears.
“I guess I should just do it and get it over with, huh?” she sighed, even though in her heart she knew she didn’t need to do the test to confirm her suspicions. “I should do it at my place and get the hell out of here…but what if I am…” Sara took a deep breath and let it out slowly, she had to calm down, but she was finding it almost impossible.
Glancing over at the dog that was currently shoving his nose into her pile of clothes, she couldn’t help but smile. Grissom had brought Hank home with him a few weeks after he’d returned from his sabbatical. His face had been one big smile when he’d placed the Boxer’s lead into her hand, and told her he’d brought her a present. It was the first time he’d referred to her as being a ‘mommy’ and she couldn’t help but remember how good it had felt.
Opening the box, she pulled out the white tube and looked at it with sudden unrest. Part of her knew that she had to do this and settle her mind once and for all. Maybe she wasn’t pregnant, and her late period was just brought on by the stress of the last few months.
Waving off her uncertainties, she started to read the instructions before walking into the bathroom.
Hank lifted his head when she re-emerged a few moments later. Sara offered him a warm smile before moving over to the heap of clothes on the bed and started to fold them. She needed a distraction to take her mind from the object in the bathroom and whatever consequences it held. She’d been working up to the right moment to tell him that she thought she was pregnant, but no time ever seemed to be right. Having a child wasn’t something that was high on her list of priorities, especially with her upbringing and their excruciating work schedules. But since she’d suspected she was carrying a tiny life inside her, her feelings had seemed to change, and she couldn’t think of anything she wanted more.
“Well, if you exist and he doesn’t want you,” she said softly, looking down at her stomach “I’ll take care of you on my own. I’ve been looking after myself my whole life, so taking care of you should be a piece of cake.”
Sara’s eyes wandered around the bedroom. Grissom’s absence seemed to mock her, and she began wondering what she was even doing here. There was a small part inside her that just wanted to hurt him as much as he’d hurt her. Even though he would give her that innocent look and still have no idea what he’d done wrong. He was so good at that. And she always forgave him, every single time.
Growling with frustration, she pushed the thoughts of motherhood far away from her mind. Instead, she focussed on what needed to be done and started cramming more of her folded clothes in the bag until she couldn’t fit anything else inside. Flopping down on the side of the bed, she sighed in defeat and threw the bag onto the floor.
“Well Hank, looks like it’s gonna be just you and me for a while,” she sighed sadly as tears welled in her eyes, but she refused to let them break free. She hated her see-sawing emotions. She had never been one to allow her feelings to be so publicly on show, but just lately she was sure that everyone could easily read her just by looking into her eyes. She hated that she cried so easily. She hated that she flared from anger to sadness in mere seconds and she hated how she could feel so damn lonely without Gil Grissom.
Irritation spurred her to her feet, but she stood where she was for a few moments when another bout of nausea hit her. She tried taking deep breaths to staid her rolling stomach, but it wasn’t working very well. It took a few moments before she could raise her head and fend off the dizziness that seemed to overtake her, as she attempted to steady her swaying body. Swallowing down the nerves fluttering around in her stomach, she took another deep breath before cautiously making her way to the bathroom.
Sara eyed the white tube hesitantly when she picked it up to look into the result window. She found herself staring down at the blue line that seemed to dominate the plastic window and reached for the instructions again to re-read them. Her heart rate sped up when she looked from the information to the results another three times before she allowed herself to really believe what she’d suspected all along.
Tears sprang to her eyes and she gasped in a shaky breath. Looking down at the tube in her hand she realised that everything about her entire life was about to change, and the mere thought of that terrified her. She didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. Would she be able to do it? What if she had to do it alone?
Sara closed her eyes briefly to regain her senses and turned to look at her reflection in the mirror. This was probably one of the most important pieces of news she would ever receive in her lifetime and here she was, doing it alone. The tears she had been holding back slowly broke free to trickle down her cheeks as she addressed her own reflection. “Well, I guess it’s congratulations to me.”
Swiping at the tears on her face she took another cleansing breath before gathering up the box, tester and instructions together. She eyed them with a mixture of awe and fear. Everything would change now from this moment on. Although she couldn’t help but be a little excited, her joy was marred by the fact that Grissom wasn’t here to share this with her. Looking down at the life changing contents she held in her hands, she made a swift decision before throwing them into the small swing bin beside the basin and turned to walk out of the bathroom.
Hank looked up when Sara walked back into the bedroom to sit heavily onto the bed. She closed her eyes and tried to control her breathing as she slipped her hand over her stomach, caressing the precious life beneath her fingers. “I guess we should tell him about you,” she whispered as fresh tears welled in her eyes. She wondered if he would be happy, or if he would reject the idea of becoming a father, and that’s what scared her most of all.
His absence only seemed to deepen her insecurities and she couldn’t help the doubting voice which kept whispering to her over and over that he was with Heather instead of here with her...She knew she should get her stuff now and get out of the house before he came back, but part of her was desperate to believe him and sort this whole mess out so they could return to some normality. But somewhere inside the hurt and pain she needed to tell him her news face to face. Her head started to hurt, and her emotions were tumbling angrily from her like a fountain, but she couldn’t seem to stop shaking. And suddenly she was so very tired.
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Grissom pulled his car up next to Sara’s and found himself staring at it for a long moment. He hadn’t spoken to Sara since she’d left him at the lab, but the hurt in her eyes had spoken so much more than her strained words. He knew he needed to sort this whole mess out with her and somehow prove to her that he loved her, but it was going to take a lot of work on his part to convince her.
Taking a deep breath, he grabbed his files from the front seat and stepped out of the car. His heart thudded with every step that took him closer to the door, fear causing his head to ache. He should have called her; he knew that the second he’d seen her face. He knew by the uncertainty in her eyes that she’d undoubtedly discovered that he was listed as Heather’s alibi. From her perspective he knew it didn’t show him in a good light, but he was only being a friend, she should understand that, shouldn’t she?
He knew he should have said something, anything to take away the accusations in her eyes. He should have known not telling her of his whereabouts would only spark past fears that had plagued her for a long time. He had spent months trying to convince her that she was worthy of love and that she was his everything, but now he feared what kind of damage his misconduct may have caused.
Silence greeted him when he stepped over the threshold, and he felt his heartbeat thumping fearfully in his chest. The blinds were still drawn; Sara always opened them if she came home before him, insisting that they lived too much in the darkness. He looked around the room for signs, any indication that she was still here. Seeing her car in the garage didn’t necessarily mean that she was here in the house. He’d made that mistake once before when he’d returned home late to find her car, but no Sara. In that particular scenario she had been out with Bruno, and he’d held her so tight when she’d walked through the door, amazed that all she had to do was slip her arms around him to make everything calm again.
Fear dogged his every step as he moved further through the room until he noticed her keys and bag were there on the kitchen counter and he let out a breath in relief. His assurance was short-lived however when he saw the cans of dog food left on the side and found himself trying not to ponder on the implications they held.
Moving into the kitchen, his foot caught on Hank’s empty bowl and he looked around for the dog that usually came to greet him. He whistled softly, something that always brought the boxer to his feet, but this time, nothing. Looking down at his watch worriedly he noted the time, 12.30pm; she wasn’t usually out this long.
Grissom’s heart thundered in his chest as he looked for more signs of Sara before making his way up the stairs to the bedroom. He was more than afraid of what he might find inside, and how she would greet him. But when he peered into the doorway everything he was feeling just quadrupled and he felt his whole body tremble with relief. They were both here.
Hank lifted his head to look at him briefly and wagged his tail twice before laying back down again. “Hey boy,” he whispered as he sat down on the edge of the bed.
Grissom’s eyes swept over the woman on the bed, her face hidden behind the furry body. She was still fully clothed and was clinging to the dog beside her like a lifeline. He reached out a hand to touch her but stopped when he heard her breath catch on a sob while she slept, causing him to pull his hand away.
Worry creased his brow as he got up from the bed to walk around to her side, but his foot caught something as he walked, stopping him from moving. He found himself peering down at the item with apprehension. The bag was unzipped, and when he bent down to take a closer look he drew in a sharp breath when he saw that it was stuffed with her clothes. He regarded it frantically, he had to do something to fix this whole mess, and quickly. Easing himself down onto the edge of the bed, he watched the slow rise and fall of her chest and felt his eyes stinging with emotion. This woman had come to mean more to him than anyone ever had; yet he still managed to screw everything up time and time again.
Hank kept perfectly still, keeping his vigil by her side as Grissom reached down to place his hand on her bare arm. “Honey?” he whispered softly.
When she didn’t move, he slid his hand further up her arm. “Sara?”
She took a deep breath and rolled onto her back, her hand automatically seeking his while she slept. He clasped her hand tightly, threading his fingers through hers before brushing the hair from her face with his free hand. Her face was pale and her eyes, even though closed, had the tell tale signs that she’d been crying. Bending forward he placed a soft kiss on each eye, kissing away the moisture before he felt them open beneath his touch.
“Hey,” he whispered when he pulled back to watch her eyelids flutter open. “You doing okay?”
Sara tore her eyes from his; she couldn’t bring herself to look at him even though he was talking to her so tenderly. His hands were on hers, and his fingers caressing her skin, and all she could do was nod her head numbly.
Grissom grasped her hands tighter, “Honey…I…”
“What time is it?” Sara asked quickly, silencing his words as she looked at the clock. When she saw what time it actually was, and that it was obvious he had only just arrived home, she turned to look at him, unable to keep the accusations from her eyes.
She fixed him with a stare, her eyes so full of suspicion that he could feel himself cringing beneath her scrutiny. He knew he needed to say something that could ease the betrayal in her chocolate brown depths, but his mouth refused to work. He watched on helplessly as she turned her face away from him, but not before he saw the total resignation in her tear filled eyes.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” Her voice was level as she spoke, scattering his explanations from his mind. Pulling her hand from his grasp, she shifted to move upwards so that her back was resting against the headboard, but still refusing to look at him.
Reaching out she laid a hand on Hank’s back and stroked him gently as she took comfort in his warm fur. She knew that Grissom wanted her to listen to him, and that his dubious explanations would only leave her more in doubt of her place in his life. So she used their dog as a distraction.
“You must have been tired.” Grissom’s said softly as his eyes swept over her pale features. He wanted to touch her. He needed to touch her, but he hadn’t seen her this quiet in a very long time and it scared him.
“Yeah,” she agreed on a sigh as she pulled her hands away from the dog to place them in her lap. She still couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze because part of her still feared what she would find in his eyes.
“Sara…” he turned to reach for her again but she moved away from him before he could touch her. He tried to think of something to say as he watched her crawl across the comforter to sit on the other side of the bed until her feet were touching the floor, and her back was facing him. For a moment he just watched her before patting Hank on the head as he jumped down off of the bed to pad off down the stairs away from the tense atmosphere.
“Is she going to be okay?” she asked softly, trying to keep her voice from breaking as she felt the mattress shift when he made his way around the bed to sit beside her.
“I think she will be now she’s reunited with her granddaughter…” He took another breath, bracing himself for her anger, but it never came, so he carried on. “That’s where I was this morning. I wanted to be there for her to introduce her to her family. When I saw you at work I wanted to explain, but you ran out before I could tell you.” He tried to see her face, but she was hiding from him. He needed to hold her and make her see that she was everything to him, but when he reached out to touch her hand, she sprang off the bed and stepped away from him.
Grissom could see the mistrust in her eyes as she fought to maintain her tight control. He knew she didn’t like to cry, but he feared that his actions, however innocent, had caused possibly irreversible damage and he knew he needed to try to fix it.
“Sara, she’s a friend who needed me last night.” His voice blurted before he could stop it and for a moment he thought she was going to come towards him, but instead her hand flew to her mouth as she sped past him, almost knocking him over in her haste to get to the bathroom. He stayed glued to the spot for a few seconds before he found his feet and followed her to the bathroom, concern flooding his eyes when he saw her kneeling on the floor and her head bent over the toilet as she retched.
“Oh honey,” he whispered as he moved across and knelt beside her. Reaching out he lifted her hair away from her face and waited for her to finish heaving before he moved across to the sink. Grabbing a washcloth, he ran it under the cold tap before returning to her side. His eyes gazed into her tear filled ones as he swept the damp cloth across her pale face.
“Thank you,” she whispered. His tenderness was confusing. She wanted to be angry with him, but here he was looking at her with such adoration in his eyes. She almost gave in to him until he ran his fingers down her arms and the angry part of her reared again. Had those fingers done the same to Heather?
Grissom felt the shift almost immediately. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” she told him in a gravelled whisper as she pulled away from him. “I’ll be okay in a minute.”
“What can I do?”
She attempted to stand and irritably pushed his hand away when he tried to steady her. “I’m fine.”
“Let me help you,” he almost pleaded, the look in her eyes frightening him. “Tell me what I can do.”
Sara stood up straight, flushing the toilet, her anger fuelled by betrayal. “Don’t worry about me,” she told him disconsolately. She was so tired and her ribs hurt and all she wanted to do was curl up in his arms, but she was being all too stubborn to forgive him just yet.
Pushing passed him, she moved across to the bed, ignoring the aching in her body as she pulled her bag onto the mattress and started zipping it closed. She tried to ignore him when he came to stand close behind her, his fingers caressing her bare arms before she stepped away from him. “If she is really just your friend,” she asked softly, “why didn’t you call me last night and tell me where you were.”
“Sara…honey,” he tried again, desperate for her to see sense and believe him. “She needed me—“
“I needed you,” she snapped angrily before turning, shoving him out of the way to pull a suitcase out of the closet, throwing it on the bed.
“I’m so sorry, honey. If I’d have known—“
“You don’t get it do you?” she asked irritably when she slowed to glance at him briefly before unzipping the suitcase to pile the rest of her things into it. “You never do.”
“Then tell me. Make me see what it is you want me to see…please Sara…let me try.”
“What’s the point Grissom,” she sighed, “it’ll just take too long to explain it and I’m just so damn tired.”
“Honey, Heather is only a friend. I swear, nothing happened last night. I just wanted to help her.” Reaching out to her arms he stilled her movements and turned her body around to face him, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“And what about the next time?” she asked then, turning her head to meet his gaze and knowing the sharp intake of breath he took was because of the pain he could see in her eyes. “She calls and you go running…just like the last time when she almost whipped a man to death. She was released from custody and you went right on over, cancelling our plans without even thinking…I call you to make sure you’re okay and you turn off your cell.” She laughed bitterly and yanked her body away from him. “Yeah, I feel so special right now.”
“Dammit Sara,” he groaned, his frustration seeping through his words when he caught her arm again to pull her to face him. “Why are you being like this?”
“WHY?” Sara growled, her eyes flaring with fury. “You spend the night with an old girlfriend and you expect me to understand? Do you know what it was like for me to listen to Catherine drone on and on about how beautiful Heather is and how she rattles you? Or how I had to act uninterested when she pointed out that you spent the night with her? But let’s not forget how much you like puzzles and how much Heather is a challenge for you, whereas Terri Miller wasn’t. It’s just so great to hear about your boyfriend’s ex lover's from someone who has no idea that she’s addressing the current one.”
“Catherine’s outspoken—“
“Oh yeah, I noticed,” she told him, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “What if I suddenly decided to not come home one night and not even bother to call? What if I chose to spend the night at Greg’s, or Nick’s…and have you find out from someone else?”
“I should have told you,” he sighed, nodding his head in resignation. “I know I should have told you, honey…but she needed me…”
“And I don’t I suppose?”
“That’s not what I meant, Sara. She needed a friend last night and she trusts me.” He saw the anger slowly ease out of her eyes to be replaced with something else, but before he could reach for her she spoke again.
“It’s good that you helped a friend. I wouldn’t expect anything less of you. But helping a friend doesn’t mean forgetting to mention where you are to your girlfriend, Grissom.” Sara’s voice had lost its bitterness; instead she spoke so quietly that it scared him. “I trusted you, I really thought that no matter what, you would never be the one to do this to me…but you have…and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”
Grissom grasped for her but dropped his hand when he saw the tears in her eyes. “Sara, I didn’t sleep with her.”
“There’s all kinds of cheating,” she told him as a tear slipped from her eyes. “Infidelity is just one of them.”
“Why won’t you listen to me…I haven’t cheated, I’d never do that to you—“
His words rebounded around inside Sara’s mind. Her head hurt and her stomach started rolling again, causing nausea to burn in her throat. Taking a few deep breaths, Sara found her gaze drawn to his eyes. He was pleading with her to believe him, and to some extent she did. He wasn’t acting like a man who’d had wayward sex with another woman, but he was acting like a guilty man, and that scared her. Suddenly she needed to be away from here, and away from him. His closeness and his words fogged her brain, and she could feel her anger morphing into doubt and uncertainty. She needed to tell him about the impending changes in their life and get out of here before she changed her mind. Taking a deep breath she tried to calm her raging heart beat before she turned to him.
“There’s something I have to tell you,” she started, her voice shaking as she spoke. Closing her eyes briefly, she opened them again to see him watching her worriedly and she could feel herself slipping.
Grissom reached out to steady her, his fingertips grazing her skin. “What is it?” he asked, his voice full of concern. “Honey—“
“I’m pregnant!” she blurted quickly, the words bursting from her lips before she had time to stop them. She heard his gasp before she had the courage to lift her eyes to his. He was suddenly unreadable and her body began to tremble when he stared at her open mouthed and speechless.
Sara continued to watch his mouth gaping for a few more seconds before she turned away from him. “I needed you today when I took that damn test… Out of all the times to not come home, you chose this time,” she told him, her voice breaking as she spoke. When he still hadn’t spoken, she chanced a look at him and saw the shock in his face and she could practically hear the crack forming in her heart.
Silence echoed around the bedroom as he continued to stare at her, completely dazed. Sara’s heart was thumping loudly in her ears and she couldn’t think of anything to say to him that could possibly erase the impact of her last statement. Unable to take the weight of his stare any longer, Sara turned away from him. Usually she could read him so easily and gage his moods just by the look in his eyes, but now, his face was a blank canvass and totally indecipherable. Doubt settled in the pit of her stomach again and she found herself babbling nervously. “I kinda suspected for a week or two, but I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Grissom just stared at her, his mind in total shock. He didn’t know what to say. Having a family had never come into their conversations and he wasn’t sure that he would even know how to be a father. He was fifty years old. Thoughts of parenthood had long surpassed him, but now…
“I was scared of how you’d react,” she whispered sadly as she tried to move away from him. “I guess I got my answer.”
Grissom watched her as she struggled to keep her eyes from his. Just moments ago he was pleading for her to believe him, and now everything had shifted from his night away to this and he was totally stunned. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” her voice was so soft that he almost didn’t hear her. She looked so vulnerable as she stood beside the bed with her back to him, that all he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms. “The sickness and my moods lately have been a major give away.”
“But, we were careful…we made sure this wouldn’t happen…” The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to think, and he almost gasped when he saw the hurt in her eyes.
Sara couldn’t help the slight tremble in her body when she could see him trying to figure out what had happened. He was looking at her as if she had grown an extra head and was unsure what he could do about it. She hadn’t expected him to be overjoyed, but she hadn’t expected him to be so unresponsive either. She could already feel the irritation creeping back into her emotions, and her mouth seemed to have a mind all of its own.
“I didn’t plan for this to happen,” she snapped angrily when she whirled around to face him. “Believe me if I did, I wouldn’t have kept you in the dark.”
“Sara... I don’t know what I’m supposed to say…”
“Then don’t say anything, Grissom,” she told him impatiently, her eyes daring him to challenge her. “Do what you always do and walk away.”
“Sara…” his voice was shaking when he took a step towards her, but he halted in his tracks when he saw her anger suddenly transform into sadness. He loved this woman before him more than he had ever loved anyone in his life, and now that she needed him he couldn’t find the right words to say to her. He was in the middle of silently cursing his inability to show her how he felt, when she spoke again, throwing him off balance.
“Grissom,” his name came out on a resonated sigh as she tried to stop her voice from shaking. She’d had this tiny little thought in the back of her mind for weeks, a single doubt that escalated into the full blown fear that he would reject her, and in light of the last few days it seemed that her fears were proving to be right after all.
She chanced a look into his eyes hoping to see some kind of acceptance in them, but his expression was unreadable and that only served to scare her more. Taking a breath, she tried to smile but her lips refused to cooperate, so she shook her head before whispering the words that she had been dreading to say. “If you decide that you don’t want to be a part of this then I won’t force you into something you don’t want.”
Turning away from him she focussed on the suitcase on the bed, zipping it closed. Inside she was silently pleading for him to want their child and wrap his arms around her in reassurance, but he hadn’t moved. Maybe he really didn’t want to be with her; after all if it came down to a choice between her and Heather, she wasn’t entirely sure anymore that he would choose her. Swallowing hard she forced her voice to remain level, even though her whole body was trembling. “No one knows about us. So no one has to know the baby’s yours…if that’s what you want—“
“Sara, I…” he started, knowing he had to say something to make her see that he needed time to adjust. “I never said I didn’t want the baby.”
Sara could already feel her defences slipping. Her head was starting to ache again and she couldn’t deal with his rejection right now, not after everything that had happened. The unrest she was feeling right up until this moment slowly ebbed away to leave a brief flash of anger that gave her a strength that she’d almost forgotten she’d had. This was their child, a beautiful miracle that they’d created together, and she was totally unaccustomed to the powerful surge of love and protection she felt when she flattened her hand over her stomach. “Look, if you think I’m asking for a commitment then don’t. I’m not about to push you into a marriage with the rose covered cottage…I know you don’t want stuff like that.”
Grissom watched her silently, her words seeming to echo in his mind. He had lived all this time only having to take care of himself, and then Sara came into his life and he’d moved with ease to accommodate her, but now there was soon to be a baby, a whole little human being who would depend on him and he didn’t know whether he was elated or terrified by the prospect…He’d always thought he would never have the chance to become a father, but here she was, this beautiful woman offering him another chance of life and he was once again afraid to take it. Taking a breath, he stepped closer, his fingers desperate to pull her into his arms.
“What if I want all of those things some day, Sara?”
“Maybe you do,” she told him as the tears returned to her eyes. Turning away from him again she made a grab for the suitcase. “I’m just not sure if you want them with me…”
“WHAT?” Grissom moved then, taking the case from her hands to drop it onto the floor. He pulled her rigid form against his body, her back against his chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around her from behind. He could feel her shaking against him, causing him to hold her tighter. He just needed time to recover from the shock, but even the thought of her carrying a tiny life inside of her suddenly sparked off other images. His palm slid down her body to rest over her abdomen and he rapidly wondered what their child would look like and how he or she would cause Sara’s body to change. He imagined Sara’s growing stomach and how wonderful she would look as she carried their baby…their child would be so beautiful…Realisation suddenly dawned when he thought of how he would be someone’s father. Sara had given this to him, his beautiful, darling Sara. “I love you.”
“What about Heather?” she asked in a whisper, still unable to comprehend how she’d managed to get herself into some kind of competition where she would always feel like the runner up. She knew she was being unreasonable. She could feel by the strength of his embrace that he was trying so hard to reassure her, but she couldn’t seem to let go of the fact that he had spent the night with another woman. “Do you love her?”
Her question threw him for a moment and it took him a few seconds to form a reply. “Sara, it’s not the same—“
Closing her eyes against the burst of anger that flared through her body, Sara pulled out of his arms and yanked the case off the floor. Her eyes held his for a moment before she turned away to pull the bag off the bed and pushed past him. “I can’t compete with her,” she told him brokenly when she turned to look at him from the doorway, her eyes betraying her pain. “Everywhere we go she’s there, Grissom. It seems that every time we move forward with our lives, she reappears to mess it all up again. I can’t do it anymore.”
Grissom was stunned. “Honey, you don’t have to compete in anything to do with me. I love you—“
“But do you love her?” Her eyes frantically searched his for an answer but all he could do was open his mouth and stare at her wordlessly. Shaking her head in defeat, she turned away from him again and headed for the door.
“No, I don’t love her,” he blurted, his voice stopping her in her tracks. “But I do care about her. She’s my friend…just listen to me—“
“I’ve listened,” she told him quietly, her voice shaking as her eyes welled with fresh tears. “And I think that maybe some time apart would be good for you.”
“Don’t go,” he came forward and took the case from her hand and gazed down into her tear filled eyes. “Please don’t go.”
“Gil, I have to…”
“No you don’t,” he told her, slipping the bag from her shoulders before dropping it to the floor. “I don’t want to lose you,” sliding his hand over her shoulders he turned his palm to come to rest on her flat stomach. “I want both of you.”
“If you want us, we’ll be here,” she told him, hating the tears that fell so easily before him. She slid her hand over one of his and lifted it to kiss his palm before dropping it and stepping away. “But you need some time to think about what you want.”
Grissom was desperate for her to understand. “I love you, so much.”
“I love you, too.”
“Then stay,” he told her, grasping for her hands again but she moved away.
“You need time on your own to remember what your life was like before me.” Her eyes met his again and she could see the unshed tears in his. She almost gave in to him. She almost stepped back towards him to fall into his arms, but she knew she needed him to feel the same emptiness she had in order to know if he really wanted this life with her. Bending down she picked up her bag again and slipped it over her shoulders and then picked up the suitcase. “I can’t share you with her, Gil…I grew up alone and I thought I could handle just about anything, but I can’t be with you if I always feel like second choice…I just can’t.”
“I don’t want Heather,” he told her quickly. “If I’d have known I would lose you over this—“
“You’re not losing me Gil,” she told him quietly, her voice catching in her throat as she took a step away from him. “Unless you want to.”
“Sara—“
“I’ll see you at work,” she told him then, fighting to keep more tears from tumbling down her cheeks. “Take care of Hank, he hasn’t been out yet.”
“Honey…” his voice died on his lips when she turned away from him to walk down the stairs, but he found himself suddenly following her. “Don’t go, just stay so we can talk about this—“
When she got to the front door, Sara turned around to face him, unable to keep the tears from overflowing. “We’ll talk when you know what you want.”
“I want you,” he told her, stepping forward to tug the bag and case from her grasp so he could pull her forcefully into his arms. He held her against him, feeling the tiny shudders in her body as she wound her arms around him. “I want you.”
“I want you too,” she told him softly, her voice catching on a sob as she pulled out of his arms just enough to look up into his eyes. “But I want you to want only me.”
“You’re the only woman I want, Sara. You’ve always been the only woman.” His hands reached out for hers and clasped her fingers tightly in his. “Please don’t go.”
TBC