Confession

by xinshine

Summary:

Reiji contemplates on whether she should tell the truth about herself.

Notes:

eeeh, sorry for this rushed fic... i kinda had to get it out of my system (which was literally the preface of each of my fics) BUT WHATEVER also shoutout to kiri. my fellow tadarei lesbians truther fr

It shouldn't be this frustrating. She should be happy, now that she's finally going out with the girl of her dreams. Yet Karasuma Reiji found herself sitting in front of her desk, choking on her own tears.

Why? Why can't I bring myself to tell her?

Amidst all of the tear drops blurring her eyes, Reiji glanced at a framed picture of her and Kurama Tadaomi.

Her girlfriend. The one Reiji confessed to, a few months back. The one who accepted her confession albeit not knowing Reiji's most deep-seated secret. And now they're dating. Although college made it a bit hard for them to go on proper dates (they opted with voice calls on most days instead), Reiji was more than happy to be in this relationship. She was finally living her dream relationship, with the girl she cherishes.

And yet, the dreading talk of coming out for the second time still haunts her.

Well, correction. Technically, this unaddressed talk would be the first time. Both her and Tadaomi being lesbians were just casually revealed when Reiji confessed. In the middle of her current mini breakdown, Reiji smiled, reminiscing the confession that's replaying in her head for the millionth time. She never gets bored of it. The day she confessed was Reiji's happiest day as to date. The thrill of psyching herself up, the awkward silence that follows after she accidentally blurts out a "Please go out with me!" albeit having a paragraph that she rehearsed over and over again the night before, Tadaomi's giggle, followed by her nodding, the moment Tadaomi took the lead and kissed her... Reiji remembers it all.

And now she's typing it. Her second invitation to Tadaomi, asking to meet and discuss a personal matter with her. Just like last time. Why can't she move her fingers now?

Reiji even contemplated whether she should discuss this with Tadaomi when they've only been dating for a few months, but she felt like Tadaomi deserved to know the truth. They're girlfriends, after all—theoretically, Tadaomi would still accept Reiji as she is.

Right?

Frustrated, Reiji sighed and leaned back to her chair, wiping away her dried tears. Reiji didn't notice until now, but she was crying so hard that even her hair got messed up. She just sighs, combing it with her fingers. It's gotten pretty long since then, she thought, twirling a strand of her hair. I kinda don't want to cut them.

Reiji stood up, examining her hair. Apparently it did got pretty long—it was to be expected as she's been growing it out for a little over four years now. They almost reached her waist at this point.

I wonder if she actually knows... I can actually pass as a girl... right?

She shook her head, getting rid of the negative thoughts before it gets another hold on her. Reiji looked at the mirror, smiling widely as if she didn't just have a massive breakdown a few minutes earlier.

I'm a girl now. Even in the instance of me not passing as one... I am a girl. I promised myself.

Having found her power once again, she took her phone again, finishing the text addressed to her girlfriend as she lays down on her bed again.

---

reiji

Tadaomi

Can we meet this weekend?

 

tadaomi

anything for you babygirl i'll even fight god if you asked me to

 

reiji

??!?!?!?!?!?!!

tadaomi

SLASH SERIOUS

anyways i'm free

wanna go on a date?

 

reiji

Yeah, but before that I want to talk about something

That's why I asked to meet up

 

tadaomi

you're making this sound super formal lol

but sure!!!!!!! i'll pick you up :3

does that sound okay

 

reiji

Sure, see you then

---

"..."

"...Rei-chan?"

"Huh?! Erm, yeah, okay! I- I'm good!"

Tadaomi just laughed.

"Is something wrong with my face?"

Tadaomi shook her head, still smiling as she tucked the stray hairs on Reiji's face behind her ears. "Nothing. It's just, you spaced out, sort of."

Reiji swore she could feel her heart jump out of her chest after that small gesture. "Ah... was I? Uhm, anyways, I told you I have something important to tell, right?"

"Yeah, you did."

... Crap. My memory's all blank again.

"You can start anytime. I'm listening."

I rehearsed it. Why do I keep forgetting what I wanted to say to her?

"Erm, where do I start..." Reiji trailed off, struggling to find the right words to say. She didn't want her confession scene to re-play all over again. Reiji wanted it to be proper this time. And it seemed like her brain does not want to cooperate with her heart this time.

"...Can I be honest?"

Tadaomi nodded, a hint of confusion on her face. "I mean, sure? I won't get mad, you can trust me on that."

She won't. I know that much. The question is whether she'd accept me or not.

So how do I word it out?

"Y- you know... we've been dating for a few months now... right? And, uh, I wanted to be completely honest with you, and- and I hope you won't get mad or anything like that..."

Now she's trembling on her chair. Choosing the cafe seat that was a bit more secluded from the other customers were probably the right choice—Reiji wouldn't know what to do if anyone else saw her like this. "I don't really know how to word this, but uh, I wasn't originally a girl."

This wasn't proper at all! I forget everything I wanted to say to her!

"So you're trans, then?"

"Huh?"

"What's up with the string of words?" Tadaomi chuckled. "You could've just said you're transfem. But aside from that, I'm really happy that you trust me enough to finally disclose this with me."

Reiji just stared at her, dumbfounded. This was going way smoother than she'd originally anticipated. Even smoother than her love confession. Is it because they're now comfortable with each other? And what the hell did Tadaomi meant by 'finally'? Did she have a suspicion?

Seemingly reading Reiji's thoughts, Tadaomi once again smiled. "I didn't have any suspicions, I swear. You pass really well. If you didn't tell me, I wouldn't have noticed. I'm just... glad that you decided to tell me all this. That's all."

"You're not mad? Or... disappointed?"

"Okay, let me ask you back. Why would I be mad at that?"

"..."

Tadaomi shifted her seat, now sitting right besides Reiji. She stared at her. "See? I don't have the rights to be disappointed at you. Because you didn't do anything wrong."

Reiji buried her face on her hands. She should've predicted Tadaomi's acceptance of her identity, and yet... she's crying. Crying so hard her hands were completely wet from her tears. Her makeup is probably ruined at this point but Reiji couldn't care less. She was so overwhelmed by gratitude and a sense of relief. It didn't help since Tadaomi was comforting her and wiping her tears away, which made her even more emotional than she already was.

It took Reiji a solid fifteen minutes before she finally collected herself, wiping away the last of her tears before turning to her side to face Tadaomi. "...Thank you."

And as usual, Tadaomi smiled. It's always like that. Whenever Reiji felt uneasy, Tadaomi's kind and reassuring smile was all she needed to get back on her feet. The smile didn't feel like it was forced, either. Probably one of the reasons why Reiji didn't feel like a burden to her.

"Now that I think about it, I think I should tell you that I'm also a trans girl as well."

"...Eh? For real?!"

"Yeah."

This. This was how her coming out scene should've went. Straight to the point. Yet Tadaomi took that chance. Not that Reiji minded, though. Reiji's biggest shock now is that she's suddenly finding out that her girlfriend is just like herself.

"You're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?"

"I'm not, I swear! I mean, I also contemplated on telling you, you know," she looked away, seemingly lost in thought. "Like, wondering if you'll accept me as who I am, and stuff like that... it gets frustrating sometimes. Not being able to tell you the truth."

And again, the smile returned to Tadaomi's face. "Now I have nothing more to hide from you."

Reiji felt like a big weight had just been lifted off her chest. Slowly, but surely, she started smiling as well.

"Me too."

---

"So, Rei-chan. How long have you been wanting to tell me that?"

They're now in Reiji's room, laying idly as the fan spinned. After that cafe confession, Reiji decided that she was too tired to even walk anywhere else, so they opted for her house instead. Plus her makeup was already ruined from that heavy crying and Reiji didn't feel like retouching it. On top of it, talking about this matter in public still felt uncomfortable to both of them, so going back home was the right choice.

"Like... when we first started dating..."

"Oh, that's pretty long." Tadaomi rolled over, finally laying down right besides Reiji's face.  "And you've been psyching yourself up since then?"

Reiji covered her face, embarrassed. "Not really. When- when we first dated I thought we'd last a month at most. And then... after a month I started thinking..."

"Of coming out to me?"

"Hm."

"Woah, well, that wasn't very nice of you," Tadaomi took the hands that were covering Reiji's face. "Predicting how long we'd last, that is."

"I- I'm sorry! It's just... I- I've never been in a relationship before..." Reiji's face could compete with a tomato right now.

Tadaomi just laughed. "Relax, I'm not mad. Besides, I know how you feel."

"Huh?"

"It's your first time, right?" Tadaomi asked, rhetorically of course. "Even if you date for the hundredth time, I think... there'll always be that doubt. Since you're not tied to a marriage yet. Anything could happen. I could've just dumped you right here, right now if I wanted to."

Tadaomi quickly added to her words before her girlfriend could even react. "Ah, but for now I don't have the vision of not dating you, Rei-chan. You're too precious for me." She hugged Reiji tightly, patting her head. "I love you way too much to be doing that."

Reiji could feel her face physically heat up when Tadaomi hugged her. Why is she always like this? A few months of dating and she'd still feel completely flustered even when Tadaomi was only holding her hand. And now a hug too? With her girlfriend patting her head?! Heck, Reiji felt like if she were to die right now, she wouldn't even complain.

"..."

"Huh? Did you say something?"

Having been confronted like that, Reiji felt herself shrinking up again, too embarrassed to repeat what she was saying. Yet she said it anyway.

"I- I love you..."

Tadaomi just smiled, hugging Reiji tighter. It wasn't everyday that Reiji would be saying straightforward things like this, so Tadaomi doesn't feel like teasing her over it.

"I love you too."