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Laudna had been quiet since they left Keyleth’s chambers. She had that scowl to her brow that knit her chiseled eyebrows closer together giving away what the rest of her careful face didn’t. She was always so open with her expressions, there had never been a problem deciphering them. Even when Laudna hid her feelings beneath decades of practiced poker faces, up until now there had never been a problem reading her.
Up until now Imogen had always had her general thoughts, more feelings than anything, to rely on. She doesn’t have that now. Her ability to read people had decreased significantly since finding her circlet, was that twitch at the corners of Fearne’s mouth devious or genuine? Orym’s calm and calculated face, was it necessity or was he sagging under the weight on his shoulders?
And Laudna? Always so open and obvious in how she was feeling, hands busy at all times either in her hair or worriedly playing with her clothes, had gone still. Her smile was gone and her face was stone. Except for the knitting her brows.
Imogen wasn’t sure what it meant. She wasn’t sure if it was anger, or confusion, or just her thinking something over in her mind. There had been so much information and planning and… She really hadn’t said anything at all. Ashton, Orym, and Imogen herself doing the majority of speaking.
She wished she could drift over with her mind and listen to her. She wished she could know what was bothering her as they walked side by side with their friends.
“Ash and I have to pick up a few things, we’ll catch up?” Orym solemnly looked to their newly revealed titan friend. “I uh, I need you guys for something a little later.” The way he spoke had the entire group sharing looks.
“Of course!” Fearne spoke first kneeling down to kiss Orym’s cheek before he returned the gesture walking off with Ashton.
“Should we all split up?” F.C.G wheeled around forming a sort of circle with the rest of the party.
“I’d like to shop around a bit…” The fawn wiggled her eyebrows in the way Imogen had come to learn meant she was going to five finger discount along the way. She looked to Laudna who was staring off past their friends, her hands and face still as a statue.
“I’ll go with you, I’m in need of some oil for my wood~” Chetney put his hands behind the back of his head flexing his surprisingly ripped old man muscles. Imogen grimaced looking back to Laudna who made no notion of paying attention.
F.C.G looked at her then Laudna then Fearne and Chet and back to her lavender eyes. They looked uncertain of what to do, their initial need to help evident on their face.
“Why don’t you go with them Letters?” Imogen waved at their friends who were flirting, Fearne intentionally not flirting back with a smirk on her face. “Y’know they could use the guidance of the Changebringer.” She winked at them.
“I know you’re being sarcastic-” He scowled good naturedly.
“I would never-” Imogen spoke over them smiling brightly.
“But I agree with you.” F.C.G turned eyeing Imogen suspiciously, like he was looking for something deeper in her few words. “Let’s go shoppin’” They stayed at Fearne’s side watching her hands intently.
“So, where’d you wanna go?” The lightning sorcerer looked to her counter part. Her dark eye blinked looking around before they landed on her.
“Wherever.” Her tone was biting. Imogen flinched at her words turning to face her fully. There wasn’t a hint of apology in her eyes.
“I’ll go wherever you go.” She reached to take Laudna’s hand.
“I don’t care Imogen.” Laudna pulled away not letting her hand be taken. She promptly turned away, a tensing to her jaw. She was grinding her teeth in a way Imogen hadn’t ever seen directed at her. Her hands were clenched into fists and completely still. She was angry?
“Are you angry with me?” A pit formed in Imogen’s stomach. She could handle being struck, slashed, stabbed, and even chewed up by a demon prince. Laudna being angry with her? Just the idea had her falling to pieces.
Much to her utter anxious horror there was no response. Just a tense look followed by a very deep breath. Laudna closed her eyes very clearly rummaging through the thoughts in her head.
“I’m not doing this in the middle of the street.” She said with a tired look, her eyes not staying on Imogen’s own very long. It made Imogen feel about two inches tall when she turned away and began leading the way through unfamiliar streets. She felt like she had grime all over her body, like she had done the most terrible thing in the world and she had no idea how to fix it.
She tried to come up with something to say, or do. She tried to separate the ridiculous from the rational losing the battle fast. Her eyes moved over to Laudna’s stone face and knitted brow and wished she could tell what she was thinking so she could say and do all the right things to make it all better.
She could. Technically she could, but that was a line she wasn’t willing to cross. She would never take that choice away from Lauanda. Forcing herself into Laudna’s mind was a line she would never cross. She wouldn’t become like Otohan, like her mother.
Gods, why the hell is commutating normally so hard for her? She’d been doing it with Laudna for two years now, always checking in with one another so now all of a sudden is it so- different. Just because she didn’t have the means to feel her thoughts it was suddenly impossible?
Gods, All she had to do was ask, that’s what Laudna had said. She’d always willingly share her thoughts if she just asked.
Scanning the bustling streets Imogen realized they had been circling. Neither of them have ever been to Zephra before. It seemed like they were in a busy market place, people leaning out of stalls trying to garner attention. Others shopped filling bags with ingredients or spell components barely giving the two of them a second glance.
“Can we please talk?” Imogen grabbed Laudna’s wrist pulling them to a stop near the edge of the street. “Please.” She pushed her desperate need into her voice feeling a little guilty. She knew Laudna wouldn’t be able to say no to her.
The undead sighed. “Alright.” Laudna looked around stopping the nearest people to them asking directions to the nearest inn.
The walk there was silent. Buying a room was cheap, and silent. It was silent as the door closed behind them and Laudna stood still in the middle of the room watching Imogen anxiously pace. She worked her jaw opening her mouth and closing it a few times unable to get her voice to leave her throat.
“What happened? Was it something I said?” Imogen fidgeted with her hands finally mustering up the courage to speak after a few minutes of ruminating. Launda snorted a disbelieved laugh looking at her like she had two heads.
“Seriously?” Laudna was finally moving her hands. They raised the air accusing Imogen of playing dumb. “Of course it was.” She nearly spat, her words low and covered in poison.
“I-” Imogen stood dumbfounded. Laudna has never been angry with her like this. Even when she deserved to be, she was always calm and understanding. “What did I say?” She was combing though her memory trying to find where she’d misspoken. Where she would’ve hurt Laudna this badly.
“What if I had said it?” Laudna glared at her with eyes so hard and heavy Imogen felt her knees buckle. “‘I could give in. I might lose myself, but I could.’” Laudna spoke tense and quiet barley letting her voice raise loud enough for her sorceress to hear.
Imogen stared wide eyed taking in her own words. What if Laudna had been the one to say them? She’d be devastated. She would never let her do something so stupid, she couldn't lose her to the bitch in her head.
“Laudna…” She trailed bringing her hands up to cup Laudna’s jaw tenderly. “It was just a suggestion. I-I don’t know how else to get information.” She paused seeing ink dark tears form in Laudna’s softening eyes. “It’s not like I can just talk to him.”
“Should you even be trying to?” Laudna’s bottom lip quivered, her tensed brows melting apart. “He’s a Godeater. The Red End. The Gods are fucking scared of it Imogen, maybe you should-” She cut herself off pulling away from Imogen’s hands.
“Maybe I should what, Laudna?” The storm sorcerer gently coaxed. Her chest brimmed with an intense need to fix. She never could handle when he people closest to her were angry, or disappointed in her. It made her feel a certain type of anxious that gnawed at her chest. It made her feel like she was the scum of the earth and the only way to feel better was their spoken approval. Their words of affirmation that made that gnawing turn to a bright warmth, the curse of a people pleaser.
“Maybe you should think about yourself for once. You keep saying how you might die. How killing Predothos might be the end of you and you’re-” Her breath hitched, tears spilling down her face faster than she could frustratedly wipe them away. “You’re fine with it. You’re fine with his end being your own but I- I’m not! I’m not- I can’t-” Her hands balled into her hair pulling harshly.
Imogen felt her heart break. She wanted to sooth her undead, wanted to scoop her up in her arms and hold her. She took a step forward and Laudna took one back. She looked at her with her dark crying, pleading eyes and shook her head.
“I can’t lose you. I can’t let his end be yours. And you’ve- you’ve just accepted it! You’ve given up on living and- Am I not doing enough? Am I not showing affection enough? Am I… Am I not enough?” Laudna was sobbing now, her thick tears dripping off of her chin staining the ground where they landed.
Imogen could do nothing but stare. Her body felt like she’d been hit with a holding spell. She felt slow. Her mind raced but her body felt like she was moving in slow motion. She had no idea Laudna felt like this. She had no idea Laudna had been thinking like this.
How long had Laudna been dealing with this? If only she’d been able to hear… Her circlet began to burn where it rested on her forehead. Her own curse. It kept out the thoughts. Kept out the migraine inducing stream of white noise. She felt more like herself than she has in nearly a decade, but at what cost? Laudna would scold her for thinking like this, if she knew. She’d tell her it was silly, all she had to do to get her thoughts was ask. And she hadn’t thought to. Not once did she think to ask Laudna how she was feeling. She’s never had to before. She still wasn’t entirely used to having to ask, but Laudna always did. She always checked in and made sure Imogen was alright.
Gods. Imogen felt like she was failing. Like she was failing at the one thing she was supposed to do for her girlfriend. Being there for her no matter what.
“Of course you’re enough Laudna. You’re so much more than enough.” Imogen stepped into the undead’s space forcefully taking her hands from her hair before she could tear it all out. She was going to make sure Laudna knew she was there. There was no way in the nine hells she was going to let Laudna feel like she wasn’t enough, not ever again. “You. You didn’t hear what I said to you at Pike’s house, did you?” Softly she found Laudna’s chin holding her gently. The undead shook her head leaning into her scarred hand.
“You’re the reason I’m even here right now. If you hadn’t come to town when you did…” She trailed, Laudna’s gaze snapping to hers.
“Oh, Imogen-”
“I lived for you then, and I live for you now. It’s just. I don’t know if Predothos dying will kill me. I don’t know If giving in will take me but. I also don’t know how else to find out. The only one with answers is him. He’s the only one who knows and I have no way of asking.” Imogen used her thumb and a small bit of magic to clean away the dark smears on Laudna’s cheeks.
“I don’t know any of that. But I do know that you’re so much more than I deserve. You’re beautiful and kind and I know you’re the only I have to keep living for. You’re why I fight in my dreams. You’re why I fight so hard to stay myself when everything inside me wants to give up. I think of you and I-”
She’s cut off by Laudna diving in to kiss her. Her cooler lips worked hers in a way she’d never felt. They were desperate kissing her over and over and over again drinking in everything Imogen had to offer.
“Promise me you’ll live with me as long as time permits. Promise you won’t give yourself to anyone else.” Laudna pulled back just enough to stare into lavender eyes hopeful and worried. She took in a stuttering breath closing Imogen’s already open mouth. “Promise you’ll be mine for as long as you want me.”
“I promise.” Imogen kissed her girlfriend deeper, harder, stronger. She wanted to make sure there was never any room for doubt in Laudna’s mind ever again.