You'll Never Leave Me (if I'm already gone)

by Kaymardsa

Summary:

And if you ask [Charlie], he would say that fuckboy, as a general term, is pushing it as far as accuracy of definition is concerned, but Guy had made the argument that "'desperate, pining, closeted bisexual romantic with a really really horny predisposition to fuck literally anyone that looks like Banks' is a bit of a mouthful", and Charlie could see his point.

Or

The one where Charlie and Adam use casual sex as a coping mechanism for their poorly hidden feelings for each other the two years they were apart. Now that they live half an hour from each other, maybe they can work it out. Or maybe it gets worse.

Notes:

I just want to reiterate that this fic is nsfw and is going to have a lot of sexual content. Please read the tags.

(Chapter title is from the song Forget I Exist by Sam MacPherson and the Fic title is from the song Flight Risk by Tommy Lefroy for anyone who likes to hurt listening to music like I do.)

Chapter 1: Of Course I Do Try Not To Think About You (but of course I do)

Charlie has long ago stopped feeling guilty about how poorly he handles the situation. Being down this bad for someone for so long will make you do stupid shit, so he's honestly become a little desensitized to his own fuckboy mentality at this point. And if you ask him, he would say that fuckboy, as a general term, is pushing it as far as accuracy of definition is concerned, but Guy had made the argument that "'desperate, pining, closeted bisexual romantic with a really really horny predisposition to fuck literally anyone that looks like Banks' is a bit of a mouthful", and Charlie could see his point.

Because he does have a habit of doing exactly that.  

When Adam was selected by the New York Rangers in the draft after their Sophomore year of college, Charlie was left alone without his best friend for two more years of NCAA D1 Minnesota hockey, and the only thing he could think about was how much he missed Adam. How soft his smile was in the morning, how he hummed along to nothing when he studied, and how he always had something sarcastic to say just loud enough for Charlie to hear, but no one else. 

For the first several months after Adam left, Charlie had been irrationally angry with him. He was suddenly left with so much unresolved... something... and he didn't know what to do with it all. He had tried to convince himself it was the loss of that close friend constantly in his life, but he hadn't ever been mad at Jesse for following his brother to live upstate with their mom, and he'd been incredibly happy for Guy when he was selected 2nd round in the draft by the Minnesota Wild right out of Eden. They had been his best and oldest friends in the world and it hadn't hurt much at all. Adam was something different. Something... more.

Nothing about it really clicked for him though until things got fucked up with Elaine. His pants around his ankles next to some vending machines outside of the campus food court at 1am was not exactly the way he wanted to come to the realization that he was actually heartbroken, but he supposed Elaine had not planned to hear Adam's name come out of her long-term boyfriends mouth while her lips were stretched around his dick either. So. Nobody won that night. 

Needless to say it hadn't worked out with Elaine. She'd been far more understanding about the whole thing than Charlie could have ever hoped or asked for, but it still made things a little tense the rest of that semester while they finished their large scale Econ-201 projects. She was kind of nosey and had a tendency to push, character flaws he'd readily overlooked when they were having sex between games and classes, but seemed unbearable when directed at him personally. 

"Have you talked to him?" She would ask every single time they crossed paths. 

"No" he would reply, irritated. 

Because he had stopped doing that. Talking to Adam was like a poison. Every text and call just made him long more, and the high, then subsequent let down, from every single conversation was so all-consuming and devastating that his new roommate, Jones, had snatched his phone and refused to give it back if he so much as thought about Adam fucking Banks on game days, because it was absolutely affecting his play. 

"You need a palate cleanse" Jones had said, "literally go fuck anyone, I don't actually care. Just... get your shit together, man. This unrequited bullshit is going to ruin your career."

So he went to the hole in the wall gay bar in St. Paul over Christmas break and hooked up with some dude named Blane that had sandy blond hair, blue eyes, and just enough patience to get through Charlie's first time with a guy without making it embarrassing. He had an easy laugh and kissed with the same confidence Adam carried with him on the ice, and Charlie let himself be drowned in it. It wasn't exactly the palete cleanse Jones had advised, but it felt like a balm to wounds he'd carried with him so long he didn't even know they were still opened and bleeding. He needed that. He really fucking needed it. 

Every single person from then on, regardless of gender, looked like Adam. Charlie didn't even realize he was doing it until Guy pointed it out, but here he was, two years later, still searching for Adam in strangers in bars and on dating apps. He finds himself annoyed when they talk too much because it ruins the illusion, then he feels bad for not caring more about the person he's literally inside of. It's a vicious cycle, he knows, but again, being this down bad for someone will make you do stupid shit. And it had helped. He stopped obsessing enough that his game improved and he got the notice of scouts. Everyone was saying he was ready for the show. 

So he packed up his bad habits and terrible coping skills and signed his life and time away to New Jersey, less than a half hour from the source of all his sexually charged projections, to play across the ice from Adam Banks for the first time since they were ten years old.

Madison Square Garden really is everything it's cracked up to be, and Adam meets him at the blue line in his Rangers jersey during warmups for a little stick tap and fist bump, but that's about the long and the short of it. They definitely aren't friends here on this ice. But, then again, they aren't really friends off the ice these days either. 

"How's the wrist?" Charlie quips. 

Adam smiles in that way Charlie knows is fond, even if it's meant to look sarcastic. "Why don't we drop the gloves in a bit and you can find out?" 

And Charlie laughs as he skates back to his own bench because he knows that Adam is joking, but also that he would absolutely not hesitate to throw punches if Charlie did, in fact, drop his gloves. 

Charlie had been in Jersey full time for four weeks prior to this game. In those four weeks he had gotten exactly two texts from Adam. 

 

Duck Duck Juice: 

Adam: Welcome to the area! My condolences on being stuck in Jersey though. 

Charlie: Thanks and also 🖕 

Adam: But seriously, Charlie. Congrats. This is huge. You deserve it. 

Charlie: Thanks Banksie.

Charlie: We should grab lunch sometime. You can show me all the worst parts of NY. 

Adam never texted back after that. And yea, ok, so Charlie probably deserves a little bit of a cold shoulder after spending the entire last two years of college basically dodging his texts and calls, but he was hurting for fuck sake. And it wasn't like Adam tried all that hard either. He was busy starting his NHL career, and it wasn't long before the only communication between them was left in the group chat and the meetups with the whole gang over Christmas and summer breaks. They weren't Charlie and Adam anymore. They were just two members of the same friend group, acquaintances with history and a backstory, but no future. 

It's just a preseason game, nothing that actually counts, but it still stings when the Devils lose. Adam is gracious about it across the ice despite having scored the only goal of the night, giving Charlie a respectful nod before leaving through the tunnel with the rest of his team. Charlie nods back and leaves too. He knows he will be called in for media as the team rookie in his first game of his first full season, and he prepares himself mentally by googling all the places in the area he can go for a quick hookup after.

Because this is what he does. He feels a loss, and he takes it out on some rando somewhere who's also looking for a good time. It's not a crime to be a horny bastard, he reminds himself as he showers off in the away teams facilities. Adam had looked so good, just like Charlie remembered, and he ached knowing they were so close in proximity, yet so far apart in literally every other sense. He needed a release after that.

He texts Adam before he orders the Uber, just in case he wants to hang out. He would change his routine for Adam. He could go over to his place and play video games and joke about old times if it's what Adam wanted, but, predictably, he doesn't reply. 

So Charlie walks into the club like he owns the place, despite having never been inside before. He adjusts his form fitting jacket and heads to the bar, eyes already scanning for a target. He hears a small voice in the back of his mind that sounds alot like Connie ask 'Really? Again? Is this healthy?' but he pushes it down when he sees a tall figure standing alone near the bar. He has that messy blonde hair that looks like it might be just a little too long, like he's not sure what length is the right length for him yet, and Charlie thinks it's his lucky day when the guy rocks his hips a little to the beat of the music pulsing through the whole place. 

And yea, he's done this before. He knows how these things go, so he watches for a moment, making sure the guy isn't with a date before he walks up behind him and snakes his hands up and around his chest, burying his face gently into the back of the guys neck. He smells really good, familiar in a way that stings just a little and Charlie has to remind himself that that's the point. It stings, but it's fucking amazing too. 

He can feel the guy lean back into him just a little like he is enjoying the touch, like he expected it, had been waiting for it, and Charlie can already sense the heat bubbling up in himself as he leans into his ear and whispers lowly "you want to dance?" 

But the back that Charlie is pressing his chest into goes suddenly very rigid, and he steps away to give them space because, damn, this has never happened before. 

"Charlie?" The guy chokes out, turning around sharply. 

And there is Adam fucking Banks, all wide eyed and flushed with embarrassment. Charlie has had a single tequila shot tonight, but it's not enough to wash away the blush he can feel rising up in his own face and neck too.

"What are you doing here?" Adam demands. 

"What are you doing here?" Charlie counters easily. 

They stand there staring at each other in shock for a moment before Adam grabs his wrist very firmly and drags him upstairs. Charlie can physically feel the tension and panic in the touch as Adam hands a guard outside of some room a handful of 20s, and pulls them both through the door. It's a small room with a couch, and Charlie feels a tiny thrill run through him at the idea that he and Adam might fuck right now. 

"Charlie, what the fuck?!" Adam hisses as soon as the door closes. "Did you follow me here?!"

"What? No!" 

"This is a gay club, Charlie." 

He says it like maybe Charlie really didn't know. Like maybe he wasn't here to do exactly the same thing every single other person was here to do. It sounds condescending, and makes Charlie feel weirdly ashamed and defensive, though he isn't sure why. He's been pretty open about his sexuality with their friends back home, but he supposes Adam doesn't know that. He wouldn't know that because they aren't really friends, and because the reason he's here is a little too close to 'I'm here trying to get over you' territory. 

"I know that."

And he's annoyed by how accusing Adam is in the way he looks at Charlie in this little room clearly meant for sex. So he asks the obvious, letting the frustration at the whole situation seep deep into his tone as he continues. 

"Do you know that? I mean why are you here if it's not to bring someone up to this little room, huh!? Did you bring me up here to fuck, Banks? Because you ignoring my texts is terrible foreplay."

Adam blushes, and Charlie feels an odd mix of satisfaction and guilt. 

"Shut up, Charlie" Adam grounds out through clenched teeth, and Charlie wonders if he's had too much to drink, because angry Adam is rare. "Did you know it was me at that bar?"

"No!"

"Well no one looks more like me than me!" Adam has his arms wrapped around himself, clenching his own biceps in poorly hidden panic. "You just happen to pick me out of the literal hundreds of people crawling around this place?!"

Well this is straying a little too close to the truth. 

"You were at the bar shaking your fucking ass like you were performing a mating call, so yea, it caught my notice, but I didn't know it was you so you can get over yourself, Adam. I didn't even know you were bent."

"That's because no one knows!"

Charlie softens a little at that because he can't imagine what that might feel like. There was a large handful of people who knew he swung both ways, and it still didn't feel like enough.

"Adam..." He reaches out instinctively, but Adam steps back. 

"Don't. I... I think you need to leave." 

"Wait, what?" Charlie scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. "I have to leave because you're in the closet? Yea, no. I came to get over a loss and that's exactly what I plan to do, so if you really didn't bring me up here to fuck, then fuck off." 

And yea, he's waiting for Adam to decide because Charlie absolutely is weak enough to let Adam do whatever he wants right now. He watches as Adam works through a few emotions in rapid succession before his usual unreadable mask gets put firmly back in place. 

"Well I'm trying to celebrate a win, and you're sort of killing the mood right now, Conway." 

Charlie does not miss the slight tremor in his voice despite how calm and intimidating Adam is clearly trying to appear, and he wonders if it's anxiety or lust, or a combination of both. He wonders if Adam ever thought of him across the room all those years they lived together, and if he ever looked at him and just... wanted.

He tears his eyes away from Adam, berating himself for staying trapped in this room so long with all the reasons Guy had ever called him a fuckboy in the first place. It's never hurt this bad before. It's never been this real for him because he's never actually considered that Adam might be gay. If he had... well... he doesn't actually know what he would have done, but it probably would have been something different than finding Adam doppelgangers to rail in every city he's ever played in.

"Look, I'm not about to out you or whatever, but I..." Charlie takes a breath, not even sure where he's going with this. He can feel the tiny effects from that one tequila shot wearing off and he really wants another one. Wants to leave this room and go somewhere he is actually wanted by someone, anyone. "I'm not leaving. And I'm not changing what works for me, or who I am, just because it makes you uncomfortable."

Adam uncrosses his arms, a look of surprise on his face as Charlie pushes him gently to the side to get to the door.

"Hey" he says, grabbing Charlie's wrist again before he can fully leave. "I'm not uncomfortable with you being gay, Charlie. I'm... I'm uncomfortable with people knowing that I am."

"I was never people, Adam" Charlie says, pulling his hand away, feeling the loss of contact deep down in his chest. "I was your best friend. Or maybe you forgot... oh, and I'm bi, something my real friends all know about me, actually."

He leaves Adam there. 

Unsure where to go or what to do with the knot working it's way from his stomach to his heart, he heads to the bar, not looking back even though every nerve in his body is begging him to run to Adam and pin him against that couch. He takes two more tequila shots with barely a breath between them, then heads to the dance floor to let the too loud music drown out the sound of his heart pounding in his head.

A gorgeous guy with sandy blonde curls quickly catches his attention and the two of them find their way together as the beat changes to something just the slightest bit faster. He closes his eyes and tries to picture Adam the way he just was, standing in that room with his arms wrapped tight around himself like he might fall apart. Charlie knew that look. It was the same look he had before games when he was under pressure back before he'd learned how to mask every part of himself so well. By the time he'd been drafted Charlie could barely read him anymore, which he now realizes makes sense with the secret Adam was still carrying around on his back. 

They get through two songs and Charlie learns the guys name is Lev, or maybe Kev, he doesn't really know. The music is so fucking loud, and he feels only the tiniest bit bad that he doesn't really care what his name is. He doesn't care about anything right then but his desperate attempt to lose himself in whatever is coming next as he wraps his arms around Lev from behind and nips seductively at his neck. Lev easily pushes back into Charlie, and Charlie can feel the muscle memory of it all take over as he runs his hands up Lev's waste, breathing him in. He smells nothing at all like Adam, and Charlie tells himself it's for the best, even though it doesn't feel right. 

Lev reaches up and back and pulls Charlie impossibly closer by the back of his neck and Charlie half-moans, half-laughs into his shoulder, obliging him by rocking them both to the music. He leans in to kiss the little patch of skin just under Lev's ear when his eyes catch movement a few people in front of him, and his stomach lurches. 

Adam is in front of some random guy, grinding to the music with their hands intertwined together against Adam's hips. Their eyes lock across the dance floor and Charlie's heart races uncomfortably as he runs his hands along Lev's upper thigh. Adam doesn't break the eye contact even as the guy he's practically fucking on the dance floor buries his face into his neck. 

He wonders briefly if Adam knows he's looking at Charlie that way, like he wants to pin him down, but the thought is overshadowed by a powerful wave of pure want when Adam raises an eyebrow at him the tiniest bit, almost challengingly, before letting his eyes close and his head fall back onto the shoulder of the man grinding behind him. 

Adam knows exactly what he's doing, and what it's doing to Charlie.

And Charlie has never considered himself a jealous guy before now, but watching Adam's eyes roll back like that, knowing that some strangers dick was rubbing up against his ass, it's too much. He knows he'll blame it on the alcohol tomorrow, knows he'll probably regret it at some point too, but he doesn't give a single shit right now. 

He leaves the guy he's dancing with with a short "I'm sorry, excuse me" and storms over, dragging Adam away by the wrist in much the same way Adam had dragged him upstairs earlier. 

But they don't make it upstairs. Charlie pulls him into a small corner just near the hallway to the bathrooms and shoves him none too lightly against the wall. Adam actually laughs, a sound that's somehow both derisive and hungry at the same time, still smiling into it a little as he grabs Charlie by his shirt and leans into a crashing kiss. 

And fuck it's amazing. Everything spins just the tiniest bit faster. Every touch is like electric waves, and Charlie can feel himself unwillingly pouring every single bit of himself into Adam. 

"Let's get out of here" he mumbles into Adam's neck. 

"Yea" Adam breathes, snaking his hands up the back of Charlie's shirt just rough enough that Charlie knows- or maybe he hopes- there will be scratches. "Your place."

So they get an Uber and makeout in the backseat. Charlie doesn't want to give Adam the opportunity to cool down and reevaluate this absolutely terrible decision they are making, and Adam seems to be thinking along the same lines as he palms Charlie's dick through his pants, chuckling, victorious and low, when Charlie groans into his mouth at the friction. 

He's glad when they pull up to his building and they have to cool it enough to walk in casually, like two old friends who are definitely not going upstairs to fuck or anything, because he was absolutely on the edge of spilling over in that Uber with Adam breathing heavily into his ear, hands working at his dick over his jeans. He suddenly wonders about Adam's sexual experience, and how long he's expected to last when the object of his only desire for the last 2 and half years is shoulder to shoulder with him as he opens the door to his apartment. 

He barely gets the door closed before Adam is pressing him into it, and Charlie is silently very thankful they aren't about to have a fucking conversation right now. 

"Bedroom?" Adam asks between kisses, and there is a neediness in his tone that sends a jolt of lust up through Charlie's stomach. 

He grabs Adam's hand and drags him, practically running, down the short hall to his room. He reaches to grab at the back collar of his own shirt and slips it off in one motion before moving to tug at Adam's next. Adam is working at the button and zipper on Charlie's pants, kissing him sloppily, hungrily across his chest as he rips them down, and Charlie feels like he can't step out of them fast enough.

He pushes Adam toward the bed, crawling over him as they land there together. He's never been more turned on in his life than he is with Adam pressed into his mattress, flushed with desire and the same need Charlie feels coursing through his own veins. He trails deep kisses from Adam's jaw down to his collarbone, careful not to linger too long in one place so there are no marks despite really really wanting to leave something behind there. He places tiny kisses along his chest, moving down to let his tongue roll luxuriously over Adam's right nipple. 

"Fuck, Charlie" Adam breathes, his hands running through Charlie's hair. 

Charlie takes his nipple between his teeth, tugging lightly. Adam's back arches as he lets out an involuntary moan, and the sound goes straight to Charlie's dick. 

"Knew you'd be a nipple guy" he chuckles lowly, kissing across Adam's chest to roll his tongue over the other side. 

"Fuck you" Adam says, but all the heat behind the words gets swallowed up in another deep, gutteral groan as Charlie presses the heal of his hand to Adam's dick through his pants. 

He moves to unbutton the jeans, taking his time mostly because he can't stop himself from marveling at the impossibly erotic noises coming from Adam. Once they are both fully undressed Charlie leans back and allows Adam to move up on the bed until his shoulders find the pillows. He lets his eyes roam over him, trying very hard to commit every inch of him to memory. 

"Fucking hell, Adam" he groans, running his hands appreciatively over his chest and abs. "You're so..." 

But Adam doesn't let him finish. He captures Charlie's lips with his and pulls him down so they're chest to chest. Charlie can feel Adam's dick pressing against his own between them, and it takes every single ounce of self control he has not to reach down and jerk them both to completion right there. 

"What do you like" he asks, pressing his forehead to Adam's, breathing hard. 

Adam smiles, a little shy but also a little naughty, then guides Charlies hand down toward his ass as he kisses him again, deeply, seductively. Charlie thinks he knows where this is going, and he moves his hands to gently message Adam's entrace. He's gotten quite good at this part. He'd gotten glowing reviews from past sexual partners, anyway, so he's ready to do whatever Adam asks of him, whatever he wants. 

He folds Adam's knee up toward his chest as he leans in for another kiss, not expecting to hit something solid and metal when his fingers brush over Adam's hole.

His eyes flit up to Adam's and he leans back just a little, searching his face. "Is that...?"

Adam smiles, biting his lip as he nods, and Charlie swears it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. 

He burries his face into Adam's neck and presses his hips into the mattress, desperate to relieve the sudden, overwhelming pressure building in his dick. 

"Fucking christ, Adam" he groans, begging himself not to go right there on the sheets. 

Adam laughs, a low, breathy thing, right into Charlie's ear. "You like it? Some guys don't... " 

And Charlie doesn't want to think about the other guys right now, so he distracts himself by pressing a finger to the knob of the plug planted in Adam's ass, giving it a tiny wiggle. Adam's legs jerk and he throws his head back into the pillow with a high pitched moan. 

"I fucking love it" Charlie answers honestly, leaning in to kiss Adam again as he gives the plug another gentle shift. Adam gasps into the kiss, his back arching enough to press their chests together and Charlie can feel how hard Adam's heart is pounding beneath him. 

"Can I take it out?" 

Adam nods and leans in for another quick kiss before pulling his other leg up to his chest to give Charlie better access. 

"This is the hottest fucking thing I have ever seen" Charlie says, sitting back onto his heals to get a better view as he gives the knob a tiny twist, and Adam's breath hitches again. 

He removes the plug slowly, not missing the flash of a pained look on Adam's face when the wider part is worked out, or the way his dick has softened the slightest bit. 

"Are you ok?" 

"Yea" Adam says, breathing a little harder now, and looking at Charlie like he's only just now really seeing him for the first time.  

And Charlie doesn't actually know what to do with a look like that, so he just sets the plug on his nightstand and settles back over Adam, kissing him slowly, running his hands over his chest and waist until he can feel Adam reaching full hardness between them again. He trails his kisses down Adam's chest, moving his tongue to roll over Adam's nipple in that way that apparently drives him fucking crazy before he leans back to grab lube and a condom from his nightstand drawer. 

Adam is watching him, legs still pulled up, and Charlie thinks briefly that he's never seen anyone more absolutely beautiful in his entire life. He's suddenly very aware of just how much this is going to hurt when it all comes crashing down, and he leans in to kiss Adam again, trying to force himself back to the present as he inserts two well lubricated fingers into Adam, stretching him just slightly wider than the plug had.

"Ohhhhh" Adam whispers, drawing it out in a low moan that Charlie will never ever be able to unhear while he grips the sheets, bunching them tightly in his palms like he's clinging to life.

Charlie twists his fingers, working a little deeper as Adam loosens around him. Adam is breathing hard, practically purring beneath him as Charlie moves up to kiss him.  

"I'm going to add another finger, ok?" 

Adam nods and digs his heals into the bed, wrapping his hands firmly around Charlie's back. 

And Charlie knows from experience that this is the one that can get uncomfortable. He's aware that he has big hands, and that this is probably going to hurt Adam at least a little, so he applies more lube, and very slowly presses in again. Adam stills completely, right on the edge of pain and ecstacy, and Charlie is desperate to make this feel good for him. 

He kisses Adam again, then moves down until his head is between Adam's raised thighs, and very slowly, very purposefully licks a long strip up the underside of Adam's cock. Adam's eyes go wide, and his hips snap forward involuntarily, forcing Charlie's fingers in just a little deeper. The sound that Adam lets out is almost too much for Charlie. 

"Adam" he breathes, turning his face into Adam's inner thigh with a little laugh. "If you keep moaning like that I'm going to come on these sheets."

Adam lets out a shakey laugh too and pushes his head back into the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut. "Sorry." 

"Don't be sorry" Charlie says, "fuck... just..." 

He doesn't even know what he wants to say, really, he just wants so much. He moves his fingers a little bit more, at the same time taking the tip of Adam's length in his mouth. Adam's hands reach instinctively for Charlie's hair, and he brushes the few strands long enough to fall into his eyes away.

Charlie works Adam gently, grinding his own dick into the space between Adam's ass and the mattress to relieve some pressure as he takes more and more of Adam into his wet mouth. 

"Charlie" Adam groans, pushing his head away suddenly, roughly. "Fuck... can we..." 

So Charlie rolls the condom on and applies more lube, gently stroking Adam a few times as he lines up. 

"Ready?" He asks as he places Adams legs on either side of his hips. 

"Yea" Adam whispers, lifting his knees a little for space, "Just... slow." 

So Charlie moves in as slowly as his body will let him with all the desire pushing him forward. Adam's eyes are squeezed shut, and his hands are like a vice grip around Charlie's shoulders. Once he's seated as deep as he can comfortably go, he leans in and kisses Adam slowly, letting him adjust to the size while they catch their breath and just feel each other. 

Charlie has never felt this close to anyone, ever, and it's terrifying because it's Adam. He's never looked at anyone and wanted so much to just press his entire soul right into theirs. He wonders if Adam is feeling the same, if the way he's looking at Charlie now means something more than words can say. 

But as soon as he thinks it, Adam looks away, closing his eyes tight again as he nuzzles his face into Charlies neck to plant several languid, messy kisses below his jaw. 

"Fuck me, Charlie" he says, voice trembling, begging, and Charlie does not have to be told twice. 

It's maybe shorter than Charlie would have liked, but who can fault him for that with Adam beneath him looking like he does, breathing into his ear and calling out his name. When he starts to feel it building up he takes Adam's cock in his hand and works him to the rhythm of his own thrusts, thrilled when Adam comes just before he does with a loud, almost animal like groan.

Charlie flops onto his bed next to Adam, catching his breath for a moment while they both stare at the ceiling, laughing when they catch each others eye because it all just feels surreal and amazing.

"I'll be back" he says, standing to walk to the bathroom just across the hall.

He ties off the condom and washes his hands, then runs a washcloth under hot water to bring back to bed for Adam. 

They lay there together for a long while, shoulder to shoulder in the silence. 

"You can stay" Charlie mummbles, turning to his side to face Adam. "If you want to..." 

He's so tired from the game and the dancing and the absolutely incredible sex, but he also doesn't want to stop looking at Adam. He doesn't want to close his eyes and risk waking up to this having all been a dream. 

Adam turns to face Charlie too, letting their hands clasp together between them with a small smile.

"Go to sleep, Charlie" he says quietly, and so Charlie does, helpless to fight it any longer. 

When Charlie wakes up to his alarm at 7 the next morning Adam is gone, and while he knows it wasn't a dream by the way the sheets are wrinkled on the far side of the bed, and by the washcloth left on his nightstand, it still stings. He'd had the best sex of his life last night, but he had practice in an hour, and life wasn't going to stop moving forward just because he wasn't sure how to carry on from here.

 

Notes:

The chapters will bounce between Charlie and Adam's POV.

I hope you love it!

Chapter 2: I've Always Tried To Control Things (in the end that's what controls me)

Summary:

Adam POV

(Title from the song If You Want Love by NF)

Adam hates feeling out of control. It's like venom, and he can sense himself unraveling a tiny bit more every time he thinks of the power Charlie has over him, or the way everything he said made him feel.

 

Did you bring me up here to fuck, Banks?

I was your best friend. Or maybe you forgot... 

Adam... You're so.... 

This is the hottest fucking thing I have ever seen.

 

He hated the way Charlie looked at him like he was the most precious thing, something worth protecting, worth keeping. How he made Adam feel somehow both weak and strong at the same time under that piercing stare. The way he just said whatever he felt without fear, and how much of himself he poured into the simplest statements like he was begging Adam to read more into it all than was actually there.

 

Are you ok?

Don't be sorry.

You can stay... 

 

Adam lets out a loud, very irritated yell as he shoots a stray puck hard across the ice and into the opposite net. The rink is empty now aside from a few crew members getting ready to clear and resurface the ice, and so Adam takes the opportunity to let out his frustrations by shooting again and again and again until he's breathing too hard to hear his own thoughts. 

Leaving Charlie last night had been so hard. Adam wanted desperately to stay and wake up there in his arms, to see Charlie's messy hair in the morning glow with sunlight peaking through the windows of his apartment. But it had just been a slip, a moment of weakness. 

Julie told him once how terrible he is with feelings. Adam disagrees. He would say he is very good with his feelings because he knows exactly how to control them, how to push them down and back into that place in his mind where they don't affect him. Except, of course, when it comes to Charlie. It's always been so much harder with Charlie. 

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: you could have stayed 

Adam: We both had early practice.

Charlie: not that early

Adam: Maybe I just like my own bed.

Charlie: well can I see you again?

If Adam is honest with himself there isn't anything he wants more than to see Charlie again, but he can't stop thinking about how unbothered the doorman in Charlie's building had been about him showing up so late with a stranger like it's a regular occurrence, or how relaxed and comfortable Charlie had seemed on the dance floor with that other guy. It's a jealousy like Adam hasn't known in a long time, and he loathes himself for how helpless it makes him feel.

He knows it's not fair. He can't logically justify being upset with Charlie for having had lots of sex with other people, especially when he has done the same, but he can't stand feeling like just another guy to Charlie. Like a fix or a good fuck after a loss. Because it's Charlie, and as much as Adam hates it, as much as he wishes every single day he could change it, he is still very much hung up on his childhood best friend.

Adam: It's not a good idea. 

Charlie: Idk last night seemed like a pretty fucking good idea to me and if I'm being honest I really want to do it again

Adam: I think we should take a step back

Charlie: ok

Charlie: But can I see you? We don't have to have sex Adam I just miss you. I miss my friend

....

Charlie: unless you're trying to tell me you regret it?

....

Charlie: well fuck you too then I guess

 

He doesn't reply because he can't actually think of anything to say that doesn't lead to either a full confession of deep, unrequited love, or another meaningless fuck in Charlies bed that actually feels anything but meaningless for Adam. And he can't do this again. He can't be the guy longing for scraps of affection, reading into every touch and look, and over analyzing each interaction. He's been that guy before, and he could barely look himself in the mirror for it. 

Watching over the balcony at the club while Charlie moved his hips in sync with some stranger had made Adam feel frantic and powerless. But meeting him eye to eye across the dance floor and seeing that same jealousy he had been feeling rise up in Charlie, it felt like he had control again. Reckless, toxic control, but control nonetheless. 

Everything they did together after that had been an easy surrender, like falling off a cliff, or leaning into a tidal wave, and control was gone.

He yells again, slapping his stick hard against the ice. It doesn't help at all, and he's left skating off the rink with a broken stick as well as a bruised heart.

 

9 days later and the Rangers absolutely demolish the Bruins in their last pre-season matchup after 2 consecutive losses. Adam gets 2 of the 5 goals, as well as an assist, and he is feeling pretty good.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: congrats on the big win

Charlie: have fun celebrating 😉

And it stings a little because Adam hasn't been able to think about anyone else since that night with Charlie. The casual way he says it just rubs Adam the wrong way, and he's angry with himself for wondering if Charlie has been with anyone else since. These are the first texts he's gotten from Charlie in over a week, and Adam wants to cling to them just as badly as he wants to make Charlie hurt the way he does right now. He knows it's fucked up, and that he probably doesn't even care, but Adam just really wants to feel as unbothered as Charlie seems by it all. 

Adam: Thanks. I will. 

....

Charlie: well if it doesn't workout at the club you know where I live. 

 

So Adam shows up just before midnight in clothes he might have worn to the club if he had actually cared to go, and the doorman from the other night lets him in without question. 

Charlie answers his knocking in pajama pants and a white t-shirt that has definitely seen better days, clearly not actually expecting to see him. Adam thinks maybe it would have been better to text him that he was coming, but Charlie doesn't give him the chance to say it before he's pulling Adam into the apartment with a surprised, but genuine smile. 

"Hey. I... I didn't think you'd actually come."

"I can leave" Adam says simply, turning toward the door with raised brows as if to prove how easy it would be to go right now. 

"No, stay" Charlie rushes out, "I'm just surprised."

And Charlie is giving him that look that makes Adam feel things, so he deflects with-

"I was going to call from the lobby, but your doorman is shitty and just let me right in."

Charlie waves it off, gesturing for Adam to join him as he moves to sit. "Nah Ricky is pretty great. I told him you were a close friend and to let you in whenever."

"Oh? We're friends?" Adam asks airily, taking a seat in an armchair across from Charlie. 

"Yea" Charlie says with a little shrug. "I mean, I hope we're friends. It'll be pretty fucking awkward for the rest of the ducklings if mom and dad aren't talking, right?" 

Adam can't help but laugh at the reference, an old joke Goldberg had made once upon a time when Adam and Charlie had gotten into it about something Adam can't even remember now. And it feels nice to be sitting there, laughing about things that use to come so naturally to them both. It feels almost... healing. Almost. 

But because Adam is a bit of a masochist, the next thing out of his mouth is-

"So what ever happened to Elaine? When I left Uni you guys seemed built to last." 

Charlie stiffens the slightest bit, his eyes trained on the floor. "Oh, well... you know... I was realizing I was bisexual and I didn't handle the relationship that well... I mean, she was great. But, yea. It just- it didn't work out." He is definitely blushing. 

"Did you cheat on her or something?" 

"What?! No! Why would you ask that?"

"Well you're blushing like you're guilty and you said you were figuring out you were bi, so, I thought maybe there was a guy in the picture somewhere" Adam replies, leaning back into the chair as casually as he can possibly manage. "I mean you fuck randoms from clubs, Charlie. It's not a very chivalrous way of life." 

Charlie gives him a look that Adam can't really place. It's serious but also, maybe, a little nervous? 

"I am not a cheater, Adam." 

Adam holds up his hands in mock surrender. "Alright, fine. I was just asking. I always liked Elaine, so I was a little curious what happened, is all." 

It's a big fat fucking lie. He had hated her from the start, but Charlie doesn't have to know that. 

Charlie frowns, eyebrows knit together in that way Adam recognizes as the precursor to him saying something really stupid, but really honest. 

"You left" he says, kicking his ankle up to cross over his knee with a little sigh. "You were gone, and that really sucked for me. I guess I missed you more than I thought I would because..." he closes his eyes and shakes his head, clearly embarrassed. "Because I might have, maybe, possibly, definitely, said your name instead of hers when we were... in a vulnerable position. Physically." 

Adam freezes, heart in his throat. 

"Are you telling me I was your bi awakening right now? Is that what's happening?" And he's laughing because Charlie is, and because it's the only way he knows how to react with Charlie right there across from him, blushing and bearing his secrets in that brave and reckless way he's always made look so effortlessly cool. 

"Oh shut up" Charlie laughs harder, lobbing a couch pillow across the room at him. "Who was your gay awakening then? And you better say me or I will obviously cry." 

And Adam knows he's joking, knows he has the chance to be brave here too in this fog of humor and nostalgia, but he can't bring himself to do it. It's still too raw, and he still wants too much. 

So instead he walks over and grabs a tissue from the box on the table next to Charlie, then hands it to him with a fake little sigh. "It was Goldberg, actually." 

He takes the tissue with a grin so wide Adam can't help but break character and laugh. "Fucking Goldberg" Charlie mutters, rolling his eyes affectionately and standing to press his lips softly against Adam's. 

Adam leans in comfortably, and they kiss for a long, still moment, hands laced together between them. It feels almost romantic, and Adam has to pull away for a second to catch his breath. 

"Ok but did you really say my name, or are you fucking with me?"

"Yea" Charlie laughs, letting his forehead fall onto Adam's shoulder. "Unfortunately I really did."

"I can't believe you told me this!" Adam chuckles, leaning in to plant a few small kisses along Charlies exposed neck. "How embarrassing for you."

"Yea, well, I'm desensitized to it at this point with how much Guy and Connie make fun of me, so, do your worst, Banks."

"Hang on, is that why when we met up for street hockey over the summer Guy would randomly say variations of my name after he kissed Connie? Because I never figured that one out even though they thought it was hilarious. "

Charlie groans a little as he buries his face into Adam's neck. "Yea. He's such a dick."

"Oh my god this is amazing" Adam laughs. "I am never going to let you forget this." 

"You and everyone else, apparently" Charlie jokes. 

And it feels so simple, almost like they are kids again chirping each other across the ice, except Charlie's chest is pressing against his, and Adam knows what it actually sounds like to have his name on Charlie's lips when he comes. 

"So did that night after the club live up to college Charlie's wildest fantasies?" He asks, only half joking. He feels in control now, like he has all the power, and he's desperate to prove that he is deserving of it. 

Charlie looks up, meeting his eyes, suddenly very serious. "Those fantasies were nothing in comparison." 

Adam doesn't know what to say to that, doesn't think there is anything he can say to that, so he kisses Charlie deeply, pulling him in as close as he can get so that every bit of them is pressed together. Charlie matches his pace willingly, and by the time they have stumbled to the bedroom they are both fully naked with a trail of clothes and shoes in their wake. 

Charlie finds the bed first and Adam follows, straddling his thighs so that their dicks are pressed together between them when he leans in to trail kisses across Charlie's neck and chest. 

"So, tell me" Adam says lightly, almost playfully, reaching down to wrap his large hand around both of their cocks. "Are you a nipple guy?" 

Charlie's little laugh is swallowed up by a punched out groan when Adam's hand tightens and slides over them. 

"Not really" he breathes, working hard to get the words out as he squirms under Adam's touch, "but everything you do is fu-fucking..."

He loses the sentence, lets it trail off into a small whimper as he raises his hips off the bed, fucking into Adam's hand even with Adam's full body weight against him. The movement sends a current of lust straight down Adams spine, and he leans forward to bury his face into Charlie's neck, nipping at the space between his shoulder and collarbone. 

Charlie throws his head back into the mattress, clenching Adam's thighs hard enough there might be bruises as he bucks his hips again. "Oh my- fuck, Adam..."

And Adam simply cannot get enough of this needy, desperate side of Charlie. He gives their cocks a few quick pumps before slowing his pace slightly and sitting up, leaning back against his heals to take some of his weight off of Charlie's thighs and hips. 

"Love when you say my name" Adam confesses, unsure why he feels the need to say it. Unsure why it matters at all. 

"Is this about the Elaine thing" Charlie asks with a low laugh, running his hands over Adam's abs and chest appreciatively. "Should I be worried about your ego now?"

Adam tightens his hand around them again, grinning triumphantly at the immediate response he gets from Charlie. 

"It's just hot" Adam says. "Honestly, I don't usually tell guys my real name, so...."

Adam doesn't miss the way Charlie's body stiffens underneath him, or the pained expression on his face that's gone almost as soon as it appears. 

"What?" Adam asks, instinctively removing his hand from between them. 

Charlie shakes his head and moves his hips a little, chasing the friction. "It's nothing."

"No, Charlie... what's wrong?"

Charlie stops squirming, but lets his hands run up and down Adam's inner thighs. He's giving Adam that look from earlier, like he's about to say something stupid, but honest. 

"Can we just... can you not talk about what you do with those other guys? I don't want to think about you with anyone else right now." 

Something deep in Adam's chest tightens. "Ok" he whispers, not caring at all how breathless and weak it sounds while Charlie is gazing up at him with such an open, vulnerable expression. 

He moves forward to kiss him needily, pressing Charlie back into the mattress a little harder as he swings a leg over so he's on Charlie's side, no longer straddling him. Charlie gives the tiniest whimper of disappointment at the lack of contact, but it quickly turns into a loud, unrestrained cry of pleasure as Adam leans over and sucks the head of Charlie's cock into his mouth.

"Ah shit, Adam!"

Adam rolls his hips into the thick blanket underneath them almost involuntarily as Charlie clenches his teeth and throws his head back again. He sucks a little more of him down, going as deep as he can, hands cupped around Charlie's balls possessively. 

Charlie reaches over and takes Adam's cock, already leaking and slick, and begins working him to the brink. Adam thinks briefly about how hoarse he's going to be tomorrow as he swallows down further, but the thought gets pushed aside when he feels Charlie squirming with pleasure. 

"Adam- Fuck, Adam" Charlie rushes out, almost frantic, "Slow down or I'm gonna-"

But Adam already knows. He can feel it in the way Charlie's abs are drawn in, and the way he seems to be nearly pulsing against his tongue already, so he hums low in his throat to let Charlie know that it's ok, that he wants him to. The vibrations from the sound seem to push Charlie right over the edge, and he comes with a breathless, choked off groan, back arched, one hand still wrapped around Adam's dick, the other digging into the sheets. 

It takes a second for Charlie to breathe again while Adam swallows down everything he's spilled out.

"Come here" he rasps, pulling Adam up to kiss him, still working his hand up and down Adams length "What do you want?" He asks, but Adam is already wrapping his hand around Charlie's, letting their fingers slot together as he rocks his hips forward hungrily into them, foreheads pressed hard together. 

And it feels oddly intimate for how absolutely fucking filthy it is, and how hard and swollen Adam is between their laced hands. Charlie snakes a hand up through Adam's hair, holding the back of his head just firmly enough to keep them close. "Yes, Adam" he breathes while Adam snaps his hips forward harder, faster. "So good. You're so-" But Adam cuts him off with a crashing kiss, groaning into it as he comes into their still laced fingers, hot and sticky against the bunched up sheets. 

As soon as Adam feels the release his legs give out, and he's nothing but a mess of limbs, breathing hard into Charlie's neck while Charlie brushes the hair away from his sweaty face. 

"Yea, so..." Adam says, half laughing and still breathing hard, "you'll have to wash the bedding."

"I'll just sleep in the other room" Charlie replies easily. 

"Still... I'm sorry you-"

"Don't you dare apologize" Charlie laughs. "That was so hot, oh my god, Adam. I think I might legit be addicted to sex with you. Like... it could become a real problem." 

It makes Adam laugh again, and he uses all the remaining strength he has to roll off of Charlie and onto the bed. 

"I'm not sure there is a 12 step program specifically for sex with me, but I can google it for you." 

Charlie hums his thanks. "While you're googling can you look up flower shops in Minneapolis? I want to send Goldberg something nice for turning you gay." 

They lay there together, laughing and making jokes like they might be on some frozen pond somewhere as teens instead of naked and sated in Charlie's king size bed in Jersey. It takes a while for Adam's legs to come back to life. He had played some heavy minutes during the game that night, and it was all only just catching up to him, hours later. Charlie doesn't seem to mind, though. He just lays there, rubbing little circles across Adam's chest with his forefinger. 

"Is it shitty to say that I'm really glad it didn't work out for you tonight at the club?" 

Adam thinks for a moment about how easy it would be to laugh off or dodge the question all together, but he doesn't want to. Charlie's voice is barely more than a whisper against his neck, and he's so open and exposed in that moment that Adam is unable to say anything but the truth. 

"I didn't go" he confesses, surprising himself with how easy it is. "I was thinking about it, but then you texted me and... I just really wanted you." 

And Charlie is giving him that look that Adam is realizing might not be specifically related to sex, and it feels like a little bit of his control is slipping, so he sits up and swings his tired legs off of the side of the bed with a heavy sigh. 

"I'm going to clean up and get dressed" he says, trying not to be too obvious about avoiding Charlie's gaze. 

"Ok" Charlie replies, sitting up too. "Are you going to stay? We could shower real quick then-"

"No. No, I'm... you know, I'm tired from the game. I want to sleep in my own bed."

He walks down the hall and into the livingroom, picking up the strewn pieces of his clothes and putting them on. He sees Charlie follow him out of the corner of his eye, leaning against the outside frame of his bedroom door, still naked. 

"Ok" Charlie says again, and Adam can sense in his tone that he's forcing it out, that he's holding back some argument to try and make him reconsider. "But if I text you in the morning, are you going to ignore me again?"

Adam looks up from buttoning his jeans to meet Charlie's eyes across the hall and livingroom. He looks so good standing there that Adam actually considers going a second round despite his aching legs and body, but he knows he wouldn't make it home after. So instead he walks over and wraps his arms around Charlie's neck to pull him in for a gentle kiss that he hopes feels as sincere as he really wants it to. 

"I'll text you, ok?" 

Charlie nods and leans in for one more kiss, snaking his arms around Adam's waist and giving him a little squeeze before they break apart, and Adam walks out of the door. 

He texts Charlie from the Uber on his way home.
 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: Is it 6 weeks too late to take you up on that lunch offer?

Charlie: It absolutely is but I can make an exception for an old friend

They don't end up getting lunch because Adam has morning skate and Charlie has his first regular season home game that night against the Red Wings, but they do get coffee at 1. The coffee shop isn't huge, but there is a shelf with board games and cards on the back wall, and Charlie and Adam pass some time playing connect 4 while they sip their coffees and talk about literally anything and everything that comes to mind.

When Charlie wins a game against Adam in connect 4 Charlie takes a picture of it with Adam sulking in the background and posts it to his instagram story with a caption that says: Always good to beat a rival so early in the season #NJDevils 

He tags Adam and the Devils team page, knowing the fans will eat it up since it's really common knowledge how close all the Ducks still are even spread throughout the NHL and international leagues. Adam shares it to his own story with his own caption of I demand a rematch! The refs didn't make a single call! 

It isn't long before the Ducks group chat is blowing up too. 

 

Quack Attack:

Goldberg: Who loses at connect 4 Banksie? 

Connie: Yea that's pretty fkn embarrassing tbh

Kenny: C4 was my jam as a kid tho

Russ: Good to see you guys are making time to hang out

Cowboy: DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!!!

Luis: *throws popcorn* 

Guy: boooooooooo

Banksie: Charlie distracted me. That's the only reason he won.

Fulton: How?

Charlie: There was a puppy inside the coffee shop and I pointed it out. It's not my fault you're soft as hell Banks 

Julie: omg 😂

Averman: I feel like the puppy thing is valid though

Portman: it is definitely valid.

Charlie: See? I'm innocent!

Banksie: sure sure

 

Adam got a series of private texts from Julie too. 

 

Jules in the Bank:

J: you ok? 

B: Yup.

J: Is it weird being around Charlie again? 

B: Not really. It's nice. 

J: mhm. 

J: call me when you can actually talk?

B: K

Adam could see Guys name flash across Charlie's phone on the table too, but he doesn't want to mention it. 

"Does Julie know you're bi?" Adam asks instead, leaning in a little so they arent overheard. 

Charlie nods. "Yea all the Ducks know."

"I didn't know." 

"Yea, well" Charlie takes a sip of his coffee, clearly stalling to give himself time to think. "I didn't have some big announcement with the whole team or whatever. They all found out at different times. Plus... I was sort of avoiding telling you because it was really embarrassing what happened with Elaine and I didn't know how to deal with it for a while." 

"Oh" is all Adam can think to say to say to that. 

"Does Julie know you're gay?"

"Yea. She's literally the only person who knows. Well, except you, obviously."

"And all the guys you've fucked" Charlie adds with a smirk, and Adam can feel himself blush a little behind his coffee. 

"Fuck off" he laughs. "You know what I mean."

Charlie studies him for a moment, and then-

"I meant it when I said I wouldn't out you, you know that right? Like... I'm glad I told our friends about me even though Fulton is literally always trying to set me up with his cousin-" that makes Adam laugh, which makes Charlie smile. "-but it's your thing to tell if you ever want to. I... I don't know if you were worried about that, but I wanted to put it out there anyway."

"Yea. I actually was worried about it" Adam admits. "I... saw that Guy texted you and I thought maybe you had told him about us. I mean, he's your best friend, so..."

"Telling him would mean outing you. I would never do that, Adam." 

This is why Adam fell for Charlie in the first place. He's so unbelievably sincere without having to think about it or try. It gets him in trouble sometimes when he's in a mood, but he wears his heart on his sleeve, and Adam thinks that's absolutely beautiful. 

"Julie might assume..." Adam starts, not exactly sure what he's even getting at. "I mean... we're both..."

"Horny bastards?" Charlie supplies with a smirk. 

Adam laughs and smacks him in the stomach. "I was going to say not straight, but yea, that too I guess."

"Well, she's your best friend" he shrugs. "So it's whatever you want to tell her. I'm not embarrassed or anything. It's... well the most embarrassing part is already out there now" he finishes with a laugh. 

"I still can't believe you told me..."

"Well, you asked!" Charlie shrugs. "And it's not like you didn't already know I'm attracted to you. I was literally inside of you, Adam."

Adam chokes on the coffee he's sipping and Charlie laughs, slapping him unhelpfully on the back. His eyes are sparkling with mischief, and Adam can't look away. Charlie knows exactly what he's doing to Adam right now. 

"You have a game" Adam says, and it's almost like he's trying to remind himself that, no, they probably shouldn't have sex right now. 

"Yea" Charlie nods. "Maybe I can text you after?"

"Even if you win?" 

"Yea" Charlie says, nodding like it's the obvious answer. "I don't need to be getting over a loss to want you." 

Charlie is giving him that look again, and Adam has to busy himself with resetting the connect 4 game to escape it. "You can't just say shit like that when we're in public and I'm wearing fucking dress pants, Charlie." 

Charlie tries to look innocent, but can't manage to wipe the smirk off of his face long enough to make it convincing.

"I kinda love that you're getting turned on right now" he admits, leaning in to play his turn on the game. "Are you even going to be able to wait until after my game?" 

Adam just laughs. "Maybe not..."

Charlie's eyes snap up to his, and Adam suddenly remembers that they aren't actually exclusive at all. Charlie is asking him to wait, to not go off and meet some random guy who doesn't know his name to fuck on the couch in a back room at the club. He might not even realize he's asking, but he is.

So Adam takes his turn, then levels Charlie with a questioning look across the small table. "I mean it depends. Do you think it will make you play better or worse to know I'm going to be thinking about you the whole time, trying not to touch myself?"

Charlie closes his eyes as a deep flush works it's way up his neck. He huffs out a small laugh, and Adam can see a dent forming in his paper coffee cup from him gripping it a little tighter.

"Better" Charlie groans. "I think it'll make me play better. Fuck, Adam..." 

Adam blinks up at him, absolutely nailing the innocent act Charlie had failed at as he smiles and repeats Charlie's own words back to him. "What? It's not like you didn't know I'm attracted to you." He leans in a little to whisper the next part. "You were literally inside of me, remember?"

Charlie groans into his cup, finishing his drink. "Alright. I deserve that. And at least I'm not wearing thin ass dress pants like a fucking cake-eater." 

Adam just rolls his eyes as they finish the game. He wins and posts the victory to his story with the caption: Vengeance! and their respective media teams have already shared the posts to the main pages before they even leave the coffee shop. 

 

Jules in the Bank:

B: Ok. So. 

B: Me and Charlie had sex

B: Twice

J: i actually screamed omg

J: when?!

B: Most recently? Yesterday. The first time was after our teams played for pre-season. 

J: was it amazing?

B: Julie!

J: What?! With all the time you've been pining for him it was either absolutely earth shaking or embarrassingly boring. No middle. 

B: It was definitely the first one. 

J: omg 

B: And I wasn't pining that whole time. The last few years I was doing ok. 

J: sure

J: anyway are you guys like... together now?

B: No. We're just hanging out.

J: well are you going to have sex again?

B: Probably, yea.

J: omg

B: But I have to go. His game starts soon and I have to watch it.

J: of course you do

B: 🖕

J: 🖕🖕

 

The Devils end up winning in overtime against the Red Wings, and when Adam shows up to Charlie's after the game they waste no time. Adam laments dramatically over how hard it had been to wait all day, and Charlie rewards him for his patience by fucking him on the couch since the sheets from the night before still have not been washed and put on the bed.

Charlie does eventually start the laundry, and Adam allows himself to roam the space, exploring a little. Charlie's apartment is somehow exactly how Adam pictured it would be before that first night, and not at all how he pictured, at the same time. He has a few old jerseys from childhood and college framed on the wall behind his couch, and extra stock of that lemon flavored protein powder he has always loved on the counter in his kitchen. The pillow on the chair in front of the window is definitely the one they stole from that hotel in Denver the summer before senior year at Eden, and the corkboard next to the door is just as full of notes and appointments as it had been back in college when Adam was so sure Charlie couldn't possibly look at that thing and see order in any form.

In a way the space feels like a time capsule, holding memories Adam hasn't thought about in so long it feels like it was another lifetime, but there are things he doesn't recognize too. People and pieces from Charlie's life that Adam isn't privy to now. Places where Charlie had moved on without him. 

On the fridge there are several polaroids Connie took at the party after their Eden Hall graduation, and a few he recognizes from a Wild game they all went to when Guy was first drafted. But dispersed among them are also pictures of strangers, people with their arms draped around Charlie's shoulders, or groups huddled together around campfires while Charlie is laughing along to some joke Adam would never get to hear. He sees one of Charlie and Jones, a guy Adam knows had joined the team when he left, and who had become Charlie's roommate. They look comfortable together, smiling shoulder to shoulder, and Adam can't stop himself from wondering if Charlie has ever shared a night like this one with him.

The thought makes him feel sick with a jealousy he hadn't felt since they were back at University, and Adam hates himself just a little for how easily he gets pulled back into this cycle he worked so very hard to end when he submitted for the draft sophomore year. 

He feels very much out of control.

 

"Hey" Charlie says, leaning against the counter. "I was thinking of ordering food. There is an all night diner that delivers a few miles out. Want something?"

"No, I better go. I have morning skate tomorrow before my game and you have to pack for an 8 day roadie."

"Ok" Charlie says with a little sigh. "But you can stay if you want. You know that right?"

"I know. I... I guess it just feels like if I stay then it's... it's more than it is. You know?"

"Not really? We were roommates for 6 years."

"We weren't fucking then, Charlie."

"Yea and it's a damn shame too" Charlie laughs, "because we're really fucking good at it."

Adam huffs a laugh and nods. "Yea. We kinda are, huh?" He runs a finger over one of the Polaroids on the fridge, a picture of the two of them with their arms slung around each other, grinning wide in their hockey gear. "Who would have thought..."

"Come here" Charlie says, pulling Adam into a gentle hug. "Is it weird to say I'm going to miss you?"

"It's only 8 days" Adam replies, mumbling it into Charlie's chest as he presses himself closer.

A long moment goes by before-

"I miss you every time you leave here, Adam."

"Charlie..."

Charlie sighs and squeezes his arms around Adam a little tighter. "Sorry. I know that's not fair. It's just..."

But he doesn't finish, and Adam doesn't push. They just stand there for a while longer, holding each other until Adam pulls away to leave.

 

It's alot harder than Adam had expected it to be, being away from Charlie. The first few days he barely looks at his phone, annoyed with himself for how much he really wants to see a text from Charlie every time he taps the screen to life. But Charlie is busy and keeps his phone off at the rink. Adam knows this from their days at Eden Hall and University. No distractions. Then again, it isn't the rink time that Adam keeps thinking about. 

So he throws himself into his own practices and training, staying on the ice for extra time since he has nowhere else to be, and the idea of going out just doesn't sit well at all. He celebrates back to back wins with the half of the Rangers that don't have wives and kids waiting at home by going out and playing pool, and it's fun, but Adam really just wants to talk to Charlie. 

After each of the Rangers wins Charlie texts his congratulations. He doesn't ask Adam not to go celebrate with a hookup, and Adam doesn't tell him he is waiting for him to come back. When the Devils lose in Minnesota to Guy and the rest of the Wild, Adam texts Charlie a simple 'tough loss', and gets a picture of Charlie with Julie, Guy, Connie, and Fulton all at a bar with the reply 'condolence drinks' sent back. It is the first time Adam feels like he can really breathe in days, but he hates himself for it.

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: Hows Chicago?

Charlie: Not as windy as I expected tbh

Charlie: but we won 

Adam: I noticed you got moved up to the second line. That's great!

Charlie: Did you watch it? 

Adam: Some of it, yea.

Charlie: How'd I look 😉

Adam: You know you look good

Adam: All those girls with their 'Come My Way, Conway' signs sure thought so anyway

Charlie: someone's been on instagram

Adam: Your team really loves the cute rookie angle don't they?

Charlie: seems like it 😂

Adam: At least you have options if you want to celebrate 

Charlie: I have a roommate in the hotel. Not much celebrating going on

Adam: It's a big city at least. I'm sure some of the team will be going out soon. 

Charlie: yea they are

Adam: Well, have fun

Charlie: thanks I guess 

It's absolute torture. Adam doesn't know how to navigate whatever he and Charlie are, and pacing his apartment isn't working. He considers going out, considers for a long time whether he can bring himself to even look at anyone else, but decides against it. He has morning skate and then another game tomorrow night anyway, so he calls Julie instead. 

Calling Julie...

(Julie) hello?

(Adam) This is why I shouldn't be having sex with Charlie

(Julie) haha I love that I already know you're talking about those stories on the Devils instagram. Are you jealous Banksie?

(Adam) Yes. Yes I am. And to be honest it's making me a little sick to think about. I really... I really thought I was over this. I thought I was moving on, you know?

(Julie) I'm sorry, Adam. What can I do?

(Adam) I don't know. Just... distract me? He's out with the team probably fucking some girl right now and I kinda want to scream about it but I have neighbors so... 

(Julie) I really REALLY don't think he's fucking anyone right now. At least he better not be because we've been playing words with friends for like... an hour, and it would be real weird of him to be playing while having sex

(Adam) Wait. Really?

(Julie) Yea. He just played Squid on a tripple and I have nothing. 

(Adam) ... screenshot it and let me see 

-

Jules in the Bank: 

J: [screenshot]

-

(Adam) You have axles off of his squid

(Julie) Oh thanks! 

(Adam) no problem, but hey... I'm gonna go

(Julie) ok. I'm here if you want to talk though

(Adam) Thanks Jules

-

Calling Charlie...

(Charlie) Hey

(Adam) Hey. What are you doing?

(Charlie) Just... sitting in the hotel

(Adam) Didn't want to go out?

(Charlie) Not really feeling it tonight I guess 

(Adam) Did your roommate go?

(Charlie) oh yea, haha, Lake always goes out

(Adam) So you're... you're alone?

(Charlie) Yea. Are you ok? You sound... I don't know...

Adam isn't sure if this is a good idea or not. He's never actually done this before, but it's been 7 days and Charlie is alone and... and...

(Adam) I just... I really want you. Bad.

(Charlie) Adam... 

Adam huffs out a tiny whimper at hearing his name. God he really does love it coming from Charlie's mouth all breathy and sexy like that.

(Adam) And I really really wish it was your hand touching me instead of mine

Charlie groans, and the sound goes straight to Adams dick. 

(Charlie) Video call me. Right now. 

 

Notes:

Bonus! Because why the fuck not right?

 

Jules in the Bank:

 

J: Well Charlie just randomly signed off so maybe he did go out with the team

.......

B: I called him actually

J: can't believe he signed off to talk to you. So whipped.

J: I thought he was just annoyed I was winning

B: You're the one who said it would be weird if he was playing a game and having sex...

J: omg Adam! Eww!

J: but also awww

J: mostly ew tho

B: 🙃

What are we thinking so far?

Chapter 3: I'm Begging For You To Take My Hand (wreck my plans)

Summary:

Title is from the song Willow by Taylor Swift

This chapter is more plot and feels than smut ❤️

Charlie can remember very clearly when things started to shift between him and Adam back in college. They were suppose to go with Elaine and a few of her friends up to Lake Michigan just before the start of their Sophomore year. Elaine's parents had a small lake house there and they were going to make a big thing of it with a lot of their classmates, alcohol, and the water to skinny-dip in while it was warm enough. 

Charlie really wanted to go. Adam really didn't. 

 

"For fuck sake, Charlie, just go by yourself! You don't need to drag me into your shit just to have a week alone with your girlfriend!" 

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" Charlie asked, shaking his head a little at how ridiculous Adam was being for seemingly no reason. It was lake house full of girls. What possibly could be more fun? "You're acting like you don't want to go when I know you do."

"You don't know anything about me!"

"Well that's just not true..." Charlie actually laughed. "Come on, Adam, I want you to come. It won't be as fun if you're not there."

"I... I don't want to go, ok?"

"Please? Pretty pretty please? PleasePleasePlea-"

"Stop pushing me, Charlie." 

"No. I'm going to keep pushing until you say yes, and then when we have the best summer ever I'm going to say 'I told you so' all of next semester so you'll never forget how I'm your funnest, most always right friend." 

Adam had just walked away, and Charlie ended up going alone. He'd been right, too, it wasn't really that fun without Adam. 

 

That was the last true argument they had before Adam submitted for the draft, and Charlie never really shook the feeling that it was part of the reason he did it, even though they had plans to finish college together. It hadn't even seemed like that big of a fight, really, but then everything started to change. Adam changed. He stopped letting Charlie in, and worst of all, he stopped pushing Charlie back. 

If Charlie was trying to pick a fight, or get Adam to change his mind about something, Adam would just shut down and ignore him instead of bickering back and forth like they'd done since they were 11. It was exactly the way he treated Charlie when he'd first come to New Jersey. Ignoring texts he didn't want to answer, leaving when things felt the tiniest bit uncomfortable, and pushing Charlie away just when he was getting close. 

 

So while Charlie really wants to push him these days, and really really wants to say any and everything to make Adam stay, fight, talk, he doesn't. 

He doesn't press it when Adam leaves his apartment in the middle of the night, or when Adam squeezes his eyes shut during sex, then makes excuses not to see Charlie for days afterward if there's ever a moment that seems too deep. He doesn't push for information on who Adam might be with when they are apart during away games, and he doesn't tell Adam all the things he wants to say because he's terrified he'll walk away again, and that it might be the time when he doesn't come back. 

Any lies Charlie might have told himself in the beginning about his feelings for Adam being purely sexual eroded so quickly he couldn't even tell you when or how it happened. He knows he'll never be able to go back to fucking random people that remind him of Adam after actually having Adam in his bed, and sometimes, when they are lying together, it hurts a just little. Almost like his heart is trying to prepare him for what's coming, even though he's also the happiest he can ever remember being in his life. 

It's been nearly three months of this. Charlie has asked if Adam would rather spend their time together at his apartment in New York, but Adam brushes it off with some excuse or other, and Charlie knows he's just keeping that distance. 

Charlie hates the distance. He hates it so very much. 

He has stopped asking Adam to stay the night because it's a question that's guaranteed to force that unreadable mask right back on Adam's face, no matter how light and playful the moment is when he asks. But he still reminds him every single time that he can stay, if he wants to. Adam, in turn, doesn't leave right away anymore. 

"Go to sleep, Charlie" he'll say with his head on Charlie's shoulder, lips brushing his neck. But when he wakes up, Adam is gone.

It feels like progress, but it also feels really fucking pathetic. Charlie tries not to think too much about how absolutely powerless he is in their little arrangement, or how much of his dignity he's willing to sacrifice to keep Adam coming back to him instead of someone else. Because goddamnit if Adam Banks in his bed isn't the most beautiful thing Charlie has ever seen, and he's sure he'll never get tired of watching all the different ways he unravels. 

Sometimes it's dirty, almost frantic, like Adam is absolutely aching to come as quick and hard as possible. He'd sunk his teeth into Charlie's shoulder to keep from screaming once, and the obvious bite mark had the Devil's locker room howling and wolf whistling about it for days. It was right before Adam was due to head out for a roadie in Canada, and Charlie couldn't help wonder if the mark he'd left behind had been intentional to try and ward off all the people Charlie might have had sex with if he wasn't so head over ass in love with Adam. 

Other times, it's slow and intimate, neither one quite ready to let the waves take them completely under. Charlie cups Adams face, brushing the too-long strands from his forehead. Adam leans into the touch and moves his hand to lace his fingers over Charlie's at his cheek, turning his face into the palm of Charlie's hand, leaving his lips pressed there while the pleasure radiates between them. 

Adam blinks, hazily and poorly focused, like he's making a great effort to keep his eyes from rolling back just so he can keep looking at Charlie. 

"You're so beautiful" Charlie confesses, meaning it in every sense a person could possibly be considered beautiful. 

Adam breathes out a small moan and pulls him in even closer, eyes locked. "Kiss me, Charlie" he whispers, "I'm going to come." 

It's usually after nights like this that Adam will avoid Charlie for a day or two. Charlie hates it and loves it. Hates it because he misses Adam, and part of him may always be a little scared of him walking away for good. Loves it because, in the moment at least, it feels an awful lot like Adam cares as much as he does. Like maybe he loves him too. 

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: When are you heading home for Christmas?

Charlie: I have a flight after my game in Philly tomorrow 

Charlie: you?

Adam: I'm scheduling now. Don't have a flight yet.

Adam: Thought you might go back to Jersey first 

Charlie: did you want me to?

Adam: You should do whatever works for you 

Adam: I was just thinking it's going to suck because you've been gone a week and being home is... crowded. 

Charlie: ohhhh

Charlie: so you wanted to fuck before we went home to our mothers 

Adam: Shut up 😂

Adam: (but yea)

Charlie: we'll still see each other with the gang and all that though

Adam: Probably won't have alot of opportunities for it to be just us

Charlie: we can find a way.

Charlie: I'm not above fucking in the snow. I'll risk frostbite on my asscheeks I don't even care 

Adam: Idk there is already a climate crisis... wouldn't want to make things worse with how absolutely fucking hot you are when you come. 

Adam: Think of the polar ice caps Charlie

Charlie: ✌️out mother earth. She had a good run. 

Charlie: I'm with the team btw and getting serious looks.

Adam: Ok. Got a flight for the morning. I'll be in MN before you. 

Adam: If you want me to get you from the airport I can. 

Charlie: you sure? It'll be late

Adam: I'm sure.

Charlie: yes please

Charlie: fyi I'll be really sad if 'get you from the airport' doesn't end up being code for sex in the car

Adam: 🙃

-

Bitches Be Trippin (its us. we are bitches.):

Guy: bro when are you homeeeeeee?

Char: about to get on the plane nowwwww

Guy: cool ill pick you up and we can get drinks at Macs

Char: Banksie is picking me up 

Guy: tf? Really?

Char yes?

Guy: isn't it weird being friends again when you're literally in love with him tho?

Char: no

Char: i also wanna point out that i never said love. You said love. 

Guy: you don't have to say it bro. 

Char: it's not weird. It's nice actually. I'm over it.

Guy: sure

Guy: so you and Banks can meet me Con and Jules at Macs? 

Char: yea prob. ill see about it with Banks

-

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: Guy wants to meet at Macs tonight

Adam: Do you want to?

Charlie: I want to suck you off in your dad's jeep but we can probably do both 

Adam: He traded the jeep actually 

Charlie: oh what is it now?

Adam: Range Rover

Charlie: my apologies 

Charlie: I want to suck you off in your dads range rover

Charlie: is that better?

Adam: Yes

Charlie: Macs after?

Adam: Sure 

Charlie: about to take off 

Charlie: see you in 3 hours

-

Bitches Be Trippin (its us. we are bitches.):

Char: we'll be there 

Guy: nice

Guy: Goldie Av and Fulton are coming too. 

Guy: Con basically threatened them within an inch of life so it's a whole fucking thing now I guess.

Char: love it

 

Macs wasn't usually crowded, which is part of why they loved the place. A little edge-of-town kinda pub that had a karaoke night twice a month, and a jukebox in the corner. There were pool tables along the side wall, and a few dart boards near the end of the bar for something to do, but mostly they loved it because Mac use to referee their district 5 games back in the day, and he always made them feel welcome and like family. He loved updating them on the happening of district 5 peewee hockey, and wasn't afraid to tell the guys that made the show exactly what he thought about their playing in recent games. It was refreshing and nostalgic at the same time.

Being around their friends was always a good time, too. Charlie really missed being home. He missed his mother and the biting cold and the small ponds scattered around the area. He missed the easy way he could just fit right in with whatever conversation was going on with his friends at any given time, and how they fucked with each other the way that only makes sense when you have known someone half of your life. 

 

When Charlie and Adam get to Macs it looks like everyone is waiting on them to arrive, and Charlie feels only the tiniest bit guilty that they had taken that detour to the dark corner of long term parking at the airport to get each other off. No one is really all that surprised when Connie ends up telling Guy she is sick of waiting for his perfect proposal he'd been talking about since they were all 14, and asks him to marry her on one knee, ring and everything, right on top of the bar. 

He pulls her down and swings her around with his head back laughing before shouting "Yes, I will Marry you" with the biggest smile Charlie had ever seen on his friends face. Mac brings over a tray of drinks and fries for them to celebrate, and Guy puts on some slow song that makes Connie's eyes light up when he drags her up to sway along. Charlie is enamored with how great is feels to be home again. 

"You're not drinking?" Julie asks Adam some time later, taking a chair across from him at the table he and Charlie are sitting alone at. "You could leave your car in the back and Uber." 

Adam shakes his head. "No, it's not a good idea with Charlie here." 

Julie just nods in understanding like that is all the explanation she needed. Charlie, however, needs more explanation than that.

"What? Why? I don't care if you drink. Obviously..." he gestures to his own beer. "I don't mind Ubering."

"Nah he's just scared he won't be able to keep his hands off of you in front of everyone." Julie says with a poorly contained smirk as she reaches over to knock her beer to Charlie's before leaving them there with her words. 

And Charlie fully expects Adam to blush or say something to the contrary, but he doesn't. He just smiles and presses his leg a little more firmly into Charlie's under the table. Charlie is blushing though, something Adam has clearly noticed, and he brushes his fingertips over the top of Charlie's hand as he reaches for a chip. The tiny touch sends a chill through him. 

"I better slow down too, then" Charlie adds, setting his beer on the table and pointedly pushing it a foot away. 

Before he got to Minneapolis Charlie had been worried about being around Adam at home, and how whatever it was they were doing might work outside of the comfort of his small apartment in Jersey. But sitting here in this bar with Adam now, watching Connie and Guy sway to some song that had stopped playing several minutes ago while their friends bicker about the rules of darts a few tables down, it feels like it's going to be ok. It feels like he and Adam can still be friends, too, even when the longing is still bubbling there just below the surface. 

Adam turns to him easily, thigh still pressed all along his, and asks "Want to play some pool?" 

So they play pool and darts and take dozens of pictures together for Connie and Guy to choose from for instagram later. When Mac closes the place down at 1 Charlie joins the others piled up in the backseat of the Range Rover he and Adam had given each other blowjobs in earlier so Julie can have the passenger seat. They drunkenly sing whatever comes on the radio, making up their own words when they don't know the real ones, and Adam keeps grinning at Charlie in the rear view mirror at the hilarity of it all. And it's perfect. 

Charlie is the last one dropped off despite it not really making sense logistically, but no one questions it because of the alcohol. He thinks maybe Adam is going to drive them to another abandoned corner of some parkinglot somewhere, and is a little disappointed when he, instead, pulls right up into the driveway of Charlie's mothers home. 

"You can come in if you want" Charlie says as he opens the car door. 

Adam shakes his head. "Your mom will be asleep. I don't want to wake her, but..." he reaches over to grab Charlie's wrist to keep him in the car. He's giving Charlie a look like he wants to say something, but he isn't sure if he is actually going to yet, so Charlie closes the door and waits. 

"Is there somewhere we can go here? Like.. like the club in New York?" Adam asks, loosening his grip on Charlie's wrist and lacing their fingers together. 

For a brief second Charlie feels the sting of hurt at Adam practically asking where the best place to hookup is, but then he adds- "I just... I really want to go somewhere with you while we're here. Watching Connie and Guy dancing-"

Adam cuts himself off sharply, like he's let himself say too much, and even through the dim streetlamp light Charlie can see the flush on his cheeks.

"Yea" Charlie says quickly, not wanting to give Adam time to overthink it, "I know a place."

Adam looks around at the deserted street, checking for onlookers, then leans in and kisses Charlie softly, slowly. "Ill see you tomorrow at the pond?" 

"Yea. Ill be the cute one in the skates." Charlie says, grinning at Adam's playful scoff as he opens the car door again to leave.

 

In the morning Charlie sees he's been tagged on instagram in a series of stories by both Guy and Connie from the night at the bar. He reposts all of them to his own story, including one of him and Adam standing around a pool table laughing at something Averman had said. He screenshots that one to keep, too, and sends a copy to Adam.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie [photo]

Adam: Love that one 

Charlie: me too

 

On Christmas eve morning for as long as Charlie can remember he's skated on this pond. It use to be just him, Guy and Jesse back in the day, back when they could do little more than waddle around on their skates from one end to the other. Jesse hasn't been back in years, but it's still nice to remember those times. The sun isn't even all the way up yet, and he's still waiting for the others, so he texts a selfie to Jesse of him pretending to lick the frozen water with the message 'Merry Christmas eve ya filthy animal', and gets 'don't puck your eye out' back instantly in reply. Charlie laughs at the old inside joke, a small piece of his heart tugging in that way it always does when he thinks of all the Ducks he doesn't get to see anymore. 

The games they play on this ice now are much more about having fun than about competition. Charlie, Guy and Adam all playing in the NHL, plus Julie and Connie being slotted for the womens US Olympic hockey team, means Goldie, Fulton, and Av really don't try to keep up anymore despite the later two having played in college. So they take turns making up trick shots and having races up and down the ice. When families with kids start showing up around 10 they give out autographs and take pictures, and the pickup games become more about making the 5 and 6 year olds feel on top of the world than anything else. 

Charlie is just about getting ready to call it and convince the others that burgers are absolutely the superior and obvious lunch choice when he hears a familiar voice call out from a few yards away. 

"Charlie the Con-man Conway? Dude, can I get your autograph?!"

"Jonesie!" He says, holding out his hand to start their short but complicated high five. "What the hell are you doing here, man. It's good to see you!"

"Saw you were here on insta so I thought I'd bring Clay out since its been a while." He gestures to the boy next to him. He is about 9, maybe 10 years old, and has his older brothers exact same dark hair and wide smile. Charlie fist bumps him with a little nod.

"Plus skating is like... the only fucking thing to do around here" Jones adds with a laugh.

"Well come on let me introduce you to some people!" Charlie walks over to where his friends are gathered, still discussing where to get food. "Guys, this is Sam Jones, my other roommate from Uni. Sam, this is Guy, Connie, Fulton, Les, Greg, Julie, and Adam" he points to them in turn, "My friends from... well basically my whole childhood. And this is Jonesies little brother, Clay." 

He gives Clay a little playful shove into Jones, then Jones shoves Clay back to Charlie making the boy laugh and blush, clearly thrilled to be included at all around his big brother and so many other hockey players. 

"Oh shit" Jones says with a sudden laugh, holding his hand out for Adam to shake. "You're the OG roomie right?

Adam nods and shakes his hand easily. "Yup. Six long ass years."

"Fuck, dude. No way I could have made it that long. The snoring alone had me wanting to smother him! I swear I was this close to becoming an actual murderer after every game."

"Oh shut up" Charlie laughs. "You love me and you know it." He bats his eye lashes dramatically and Jones laughs, throwing his arm around his shoulders. 

And Charlie really has missed Jones. He was never as close with him as he was Adam, but when you live and play your favorite sport with someone for two years, there is a bond there. Clay has grown what seems like half a foot, but is really probably only a few inches, since the last time he's seen the boy, and Charlie is suddenly not all that ready to leave. 

"You guys want to come get some lunch with us?" Guy asks. "We're about to grab pizza." 

"We just got here and Clay will probably cry if we leave now, but thanks man." 

"I won't cry" Clay protested quickly, blushing again. 

Jones just rolls his eyes and turns to Charlie. "You leaving too? Amanda was hoping to see you when she gets here."

"No I can stay a little while. It'll be great to catch up."

"Ok cool" Jones says, smiling wide as he turns his little brother by the shoulders to head to the some benches near the pond. "Hey it was good to meet you guys!"

"Next time on the pizza, eh?" Guy says, giving him a wave. "I want to hear more about how you would murder Charlie here. I have so many good ideas."

Jones lets out a booming laugh at that. "Sure thing, man."

"So..." Averman says in a sing-song kind of way once Jones is out of earshot. "Jones..."

His tone is suggestive enough without the over exaggerated eyebrow wiggle, but of course he adds it anyway. 

"Oh come off it Av" Guy says with a laugh, "Jones doesn't fit into Charlie's type." 

Charlie cuts him a warning look. He does not want to get into why his type is basically Adam while Adam is literally here. 

"I want to know who Amanda is" Connie cut in, "because I've never heard of her and you seemed real ready to go eat before you heard she was coming."

"Oh my god, she's Jonesie stepsister, and just a friend."

"Is that her?" Adam asks nodding across the paved area to where a girl with medium length blond hair has walked over to lace up skates next to Jones and Clay.

"Oh, yea, that's her." Charlie watches Jones point to him, and he returns the smile and wave Amanda gives when she sees him. "She started at UMN in women hockey my senior year so we hung out sometimes."

"Ok now she fits the type" Guy said, not giving a single shit about the glare Charlie is giving him. 

Charlie doesn't miss the way Julie's hand slips into Adam's, or the way he gives it a tight squeeze. But before Charlie has a chance to say anything else, or think much about it, Adam laughs and adds:

"Well as long as you remember that her name is Amanda you should be fine. It's another A name so... practice it in your mind. A-man-da."

Charlie laughs at the reference to his actual most embarrassing moment ever, giving Adam a small shove, taking the shove he gets back. 

"I can't believe you fucking told Banks about that" Averman says, shaking his head. 

"It was like... 2 and half years ago. It's not a big deal" Charlie shrugs, still laughing a little. "Plus I have moved on to Goldie now. Come give me kiss, bae." 

He reaches out to pull Goldberg into a headlock, smooshing his lips right up against his cheeks with a loud kiss-smacking sound. 

"Thanks, Charlie" Goldberg deadpans, just letting it happen, waiting until Charlie has let go to wipe his cheek with his jacket sleeve. 

"Alright I'll see you guys" Charlie said, hugging Fulton and Averman, who he probably wouldn't actually see again until February when he played Guy in Minnesota, before turning to head back to the pond to meet Jones, Clay and Amanda.

 

They skate for a little over an hour. Clay shows off all of the stick tricks he's been practicing in his garage, and the older three let him win in a skate race from one side of the pond to the other. Afterwards they go get burgers and walk a little bit to see the big Christmas tree farm with all it's lights and decor. It's not even lit up here in the middle of the day and it still looks really nice. Charlie makes a mental note to try and drive by it with Adam later to see what it looks like shinning in the dark. 

Jones had been right that instagram really blew up with sightings of him and the others at the pond, and it takes a few minutes to search through his notifications to find the ones Jonesie and Amanda posted to share to his story too. One of the four of them huddled together with the caption 'just a buncha gophers gophering #UMNGophers #SkiUMah' from Jones, and one of Charlie and Amanda each making a silly face while using the same long straw as fake mustaches with the caption 'can't believe this fucking nerd is in the NHL 🙄'. When he reposts hers he adds 'I can't believe it either tbh 😂' as his own caption. 

It isn't until he was walking home around 3 that he sees he has a text from Guy. 

Bitches Be Trippin (its us. we are bitches.):

Guy: hey Im going to slap the shit outa banks. Cool? Cool. 

Char: for?

Guy: that joke bro. That shits not funny

Char: the A-man-da thing?

Guy: yea

Char: you literally haven't stopped making jokes about it since I told you 2 years ago

Guy: yea but it wasn't my name you called out and youre not in love with me 

Guy: i mean why would you even tell him that? 

Guy: and why the fuck would he be making jokes about it

Char: calm down

Char: Adam doesn't really know about the me being in love with him part now does he...

Char: he just thinks it's something that happened that made me realize I'm bi. And explains why i basically dodged him for 2 years.

Guy: well i don't fucking like it 

Guy: but it's nice to see you finally admit that in love with him part. 

Char: omg i hate you 

Char: give him a break Guy. I thought it was funny. 

Guy: fine

Guy: for the record when I said I was gonna hit him Connie offered to hold him down so... she's on side with this one

Char: bc you 2 share a single brain cell

Guy: 🖕

-

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: when are you thinking you want to go out tonight? 

Charlie: it's just a little hole in the wall place on the edge of st paul but I like it

....

Charlie: Adam?

-

Gaffney V Conway:

Conway: hey is Adam with you? 

Gaffney: no why?

Conway: He's not answering my texts so I thought you guys might be hanging out 

Gaffney: he went home to wallow because you were practically on a date you fucking idiot

Conway: 😂 what? I wasn't on a date

Gaffney: go look at your stories from his perspective 

Conway: oh

Conway: it's not like that at all

Gaffney: yea well with Guy's comment about her being your type and you basically ditching us for them earlier it sure seems like it might be exactly like that actually...

Conway: thanks Jules. I'm gonna talk to him. 

Gaffney: well you didn't hear this shit from me Charlie. I'm team Adam if this falls apart. Love you and all but he's my guy. 

Conway: noted

 

Mrs. Banks lets him inside without question, giving him a hug and sending him on his way up the stairs to the left wing of their large house where Adam's room is. Adam is laying on his bed with his back to the door, so he doesn't see Charlie right away. 

Charlie leans against the doorframe and gives the mostly open door a light tap. 

"Hey" he says when Adam looks over. He's obviously surprised to see him, but he doesn't reply. 

"Your phone is working" Charlie adds lightly, nodding to the phone in Adam's hand as it plays the same 8 second video on loop. "Guess that means you got my texts then?"

"What are you doing here, Charlie?" Adam asks, clearly annoyed and avoiding the question altogether. 

"You were ignoring me. We had plans, remember?" 

"Yea, well, plans change."

Charlie sighs deeply, turning to close the door before walking over to sit next to Adam on the bed. Adam just stares at the floor. 

"I still want to go" Charlie says. "I really want to spend time with you, Adam... I've been looking forward to it all day."

Adam stands up suddenly, like the words are too much for him to sit with, but he has nowhere to go, so he just walks across the room and leans against his dresser, arms wrapped around himself like they had been when he and Charlie were yelling at each other in that tiny room inside the club their first night. 

"Well I... I don't want to go."

And Charlie is so forcefully reminded of that argument they had so many years ago when Adam had shut him out for the first time ever that it actually knocks his breath away for a second. 

I don't want to go, ok...

Stop pushing me, Charlie... 

He doesn't know what to do because he wants to fix it, but also doesn't really feel like he's done anything wrong. He wants to push but he's so fucking scared to lose Adam again. 

"Ok" he sighs. "Can we hang out here then?"

"I don't think its a good idea. Just... just go hang out with Jones and Amanda or something."

"Is that what you want, Adam? You want me to leave here and go call them up?" 

And yea, ok, so Charlie's clearly irritated. But he's tired of being the one keeping this together when the role of having your shit together is so obviously not made for him. 

"Because if that's really what you want... then I'll go."

"Then get the fuck out. I don't actually care" Adam shouts, and it might have been convincing if his voice wasn't trembling, and if there weren't tears in his eyes. 

"Why are you so jealous of them? I've wanted you for well over 2 years. You know that." 

"Wanting to fuck your friend that you think is attractive is not the same thing as- it's... we're not the same, Charlie. Ok?!"

"Oh come on, Adam! You have to know that this is more than just sex for me. Nobody is that fucking dense."

But Adam is looking at him like maybe he really didn't know that. Like maybe this whole time he truly thought it wasn't that deep, and that Charlie was just living out some college fantasy with his best friend. 

"It is more than that, ok" he says, suddenly feeling the need to make himself very clear.

"It's always been more than that. I don't want anyone else, Adam. Jones and Amanda are my friends. I'm allowed to want you and still have friends. Jones is actually a really really good person who absolutely knows all about you because I apparently fucking talk in my sleep as well as snore."

Adam huffs out a laugh at that, clearly surprising himself with it. It makes Charlie feel a little braver, a little more reckless, too, so he continues.

"And Amanda is pretty and nice, but she's not you. I mean, yea, if she wasn't Jonesies stepsister then a year ago I probably would have tried it with her because... she kinda looks like you, and I really am actually that fucking pathetic that that's a thing I did. I just fucked people that reminded me of you. It wasn't great, but it use to feel like enough. And now... now no one is ever going to be enough ever again because I've actually had you, and I can't go back to pretending."

Adam just stands there, arms still clenching his biceps, staring across his bedroom at Charlie. And Charlie doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to say and he feels frantic with it, like he can feel it all slipping away from him. 

"Adam..." 

He closes his eyes at the sound of his name, and Charlie can't tell if hearing it is hurting him or healing him behind that fucking mask he has on.

"I use to be able to read you so well, Adam. But now... I don't know how to do this with you. I want to... to hold onto you and give you space at the same time because I don't know what you need from me. I... I just... I really really want to be able to give you whatever it is you need."

And Charlie knows Adam has always been sort of shit with finding words, especially when they mattered. So when Adam drops his arms, and takes the tiniest step toward him, that's all Charlie needs. 

He rushes to Adam, takes his face in his hands and kisses him in that same crashing, all-consuming way that is so very much like their first kiss back in that club. Adam sinks into it, letting himself be taken in easily and willingly as he kisses back, running his hands up Charlie's back, pressing him in.

They kiss for a long time, standing there in Adam's room, and after they have slowed their pace, and the moment is tempered, they just hold each other for a while.

"I don't want to be jealous" Adam mumbles into Charlie's neck, not willing to pull away yet. "It feels like... like I'm so out of control and... I hate that."

Charlie laughs a little and shifts back just enough that he can look him in the eye.

"You have all of the control, Adam. Literally all of it."

"But I don't want to want it this bad. That's the problem."

And Charlie doesn't have any idea what to say to that, so he just hugs him again, pulling him as close as he comfortably can as he whispers: "What can I do?"

"Nothing" Adam says, squeezing Charlie a little tighter too. "You're already doing everything right."

It makes Charlie strangely emotional to hear that, and he has to blink back a few tears. 

"But you'll tell me right?" he asks. "If there is anything I can do, you'll tell me?"

He can feel Adam nod against his shoulder for a moment before-

"Right now I just really want you to take me dancing."

So Charlie drives them to the small bar at the edge of St Paul where he went the first time he tried, and failed, to get over Adam. They order drinks and nachos to share, and look at all of the pictures Connie and Guy have sent in the main Ducks chat from the proposal. After a while a small band starts to play on a single step up stage near the back of the bar, and Charlie and Adam join the dozen or so people on the dance floor to sway slowly to some song neither of them had ever heard before. 

When Adam starts to hum along to the melody, the sound sinks right down into Charlie's chest, and it all suddenly feels so real. Like it might be the most real and precious thing ever, swaying in this little bar, surrounded by strangers.

Adam leans in to kiss him softly, then rests his head against Charlie's neck. 

"I am the happiest I have ever been right now." It comes out as a whisper, and Charlie isn't even sure if Adam meant for him to hear it.

"Me too" he whispers back anyway, pulling Adam in the tiniest bit closer as another song starts up.

And it feels an awful lot like I love you. 

Chapter 4: Though I Try To Resist (i still want it all)

Summary:

Some Adam POV featuring his anxiety about Charlie's dating habits.
Charlie gets fucked in this one 🙃

(Title from the song Fools by Troye Sivan)

Notes:

(For people who follow the fandom but not hockey:) Bye week is a league mandated break halfway through the season for all players. It's about a week and almost always piggybacks the All Stars event, which is just basically a fun competition and games between select players around the league.

Adam spent quite a lot of time growing up trying to understand how it was even possible that he had feelings for Charlie. It didn't make much sense when you factor in all the pain and longing and hiding and crying, but despite his greatest efforts to fight it, for Adam, it was always Charlie. 

For Charlie, though, it had not always been Adam. 

Adam watched him move in and out of serious relationship after serious relationship over the years, and every single time, in the beginning, it was all-consuming for Charlie. He would throw his whole self into this new, exciting person, then three or four months in, the conversations he'd have with Adam about it across their shared dorm went from "She's so amazing! I think she's the one!" to "She's really nice, but it just doesn't fit. I think I have to break up with her..." 

Adam always found the cycle to be comically predictable. He enjoyed it, even, because it took some of the sting away to know that even though he couldn't have Charlie, none of those girls could have him either. Not really. The only one to last longer than six months had been Linda, and Adam knew that it only went on that long because she was the first girlfriend he'd ever had, and Charlie had no fucking idea how to end it with her without hurting her. He had really anguished over it, and his consideration and kindness toward Linda's feelings had only served to make Adam love him more. 

He knows he is just like all those girls now. And being the object of Charlie's highly charged, but ultimately short-lived, interest is bittersweet on a whole other level when you know exactly what's coming. Sometimes, when he is laying in bed next to Charlie, waiting for him to go to sleep so he can leave, he tries to imagine what his life will look like once this incredible thing they have gets too old, once the newness and excitement wears off for Charlie.

He knows that Charlie will let him down gently in the end. It's a small mercy to think about, but it does ease Adam a little bit when he gets the urge to run away. Charlie will make every effort to remain friends and to give Adam whatever he needs in order for them to move on. But Adam won't move on. He's never been able to move on from Charlie fucking Conway, and he knows he probably never will. So he tells himself to enjoy the time they have as much as his perpetually anxious mind will allow, because if it's going to end, he really wants it to have been worth it for both of them, especially if they are risking their friendship for it. 

He comforts himself, too, with the knowledge that he has his own apartment and space that is Charlie-free. No memories of Charlie in the morning with his messy hair and sleepy smile pouring them both coffee. No sheets to throw out or drawers to empty, no lingering scent that can never be washed or scrubbed away completely. When he had come to New York that first year he didn't hang pictures of them on the walls or mementos on the fridge. He longed to let the sterile space and the new city be a clean slate, a fresh start, and up until he saw Charlie across the ice at that first preseason game, and before they left the club together that night, he really thought it had been.

But Charlie is Charlie. A tornado of old passions and new ones, laying waste to any and every defense Adam has ever had without effort. And Adam is so far gone at this point that he just lets it happen, doesn't even try to take cover.

 

Duck Duck Juice: 

Charlie: hey do you ever top?

Charlie: I was thinking maybe you could fuck me while we're home for bye week 

Adam: Holy shit Charlie 

Adam: Ok you have to like... ease into things like this in the chat.

Adam: I'm on the team bus right now ffs

Charlie: oh sorry

Charlie: hey beautiful

Charlie: I miss you

Charlie: 🥰🥰🥰

Charlie: and your dick

Charlie: I kinda want it inside of me actually

Charlie: if that's something you might want to do soon

Charlie: is that better?

Adam: I am muting this chat to save myself.

Charlie: ok but think about it?

Adam: Thats kind of the problem Charlie! How am I going to NOT think about that now? Why would you bring this up when I'm on a roadie?!

Charlie: i feel like if i tell you what I'm doing right now and why i was thinking about it you actually will mute the chat. So i plead the 5th.

Adam: I hate you

Charlie: is it weird that i got a little harder reading that?

Adam: Yes

Adam: And now I'm stuck in this seat until my dick calms down. So thanks for that.

Charlie: omg tell me more about your dick I'm so horny right now

Adam: Ok I really am muting you. My fucking legs are shaking Charlie.

Adam: Goddammit this sucks 

Charlie: that's so fucking hot 

Charlie: i would absolutely suck you right now

....

Charlie: wait did you really mute?

Charlie: Adam?

Charlie: 😭

Adam learned quickly that Charlie likes making him flustered. Adam secretly loves it too because he really enjoys the attention he gets from Charlie for it. Each of them having 3 to 4 games every week with no breaks means the weeks after Christmas are spent together on video call far more often than they are in Charlies apartment, but Adam doesn't really care. He just loves knowing it's him Charlie wants, him Charlie texts these things to, and who he thinks about when he pleasures himself.

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: I think we're going to miss each other again. Coach is calling us early for media before we get on the plane. 

Charlie: ill be home in an hour. When do you leave?

Adam: An hour 

Charlie: 😔

Charlie: this is the second away game i wont see you before you leave

Adam: I guess that's what happens when we're on different teams...

Charlie: i miss being on the same team

Adam: Me too

Adam: Hey if I have something for you would Ricky let me in the apartment or should I just leave it with him at the door?

Charlie: ill call the front and see 

....

Charlie: he can let you in 

Adam: Great! 

Charlie: what did you get me?

Adam: You'll see in an hour. 

Adam: Actually no. Don't open it until I land and get to my hotel.

Charlie: why?

Adam: Just please don't? I want to explain it and also video call you so I can see you.

Adam: That way I know if you actually like it

Charlie: ok I'm sure I'll like whatever it is if its from you.

Adam: Ok but if you really don't like it, it's totally fine. I can keep it. 

Charlie: ok

Charlie: call me when you get to Denver

 

Adam is more than a little nervous as he gets settled into his hotel room for the evening. He and Charlie have gotten pretty comfortable with video calls and phone conversations as forms of sexual intimacy, but this is something... different. Something new that Adam is a tiny bit worried might be crossing a line for Charlie. 

"Hey" Charlie says, answering the video call with a wide smile. 

"Hey" Adam returns, unable to keep from smiling too. "Did you open it?"

"No, you said not too."

"Right." Adam scrunches his nose and rubs his forehead with a nervous laugh. "Ok you- do you remember when you asked me if I had ever.. um.. if I ever topped?"

"Yea..." Charlie's eyebrows raise a little, and his smile grows impossibly bigger. It makes Adam feel better, braver. 

"Well, I have. Just a handful of times, but... yea. So have- have you ever....?"

"No. I mean... I've tried it but it wasn't... it didn't work out. I couldn't relax enough, apparently..."

Adam nods and wipes his sweaty hands on his jeans. He's really fucking nervous. 

"Ok so... I got you something that might, uh, it might help with that a little, maybe? If you don't like it or don't want it, it's really not a big deal, though. Like... no pressure, ok?"

"Ok. Can I open it now?" 

Adam nods, making a conscious effort to not hold his breath as Charlie props his phone up on the coffee table and pulls a small cardboard box out of the giftbag Adam had left there. It has no label on it or indication of what's inside. Discreet packaging is important for these kinds of things. 

Charlie sets the box down on the table and opens it. Inside is a small, black anal plug not too different than the one Adam had their first night together. Just a simple, single knob one, maybe as wide as Adam's large thumb at the end, if that. The research Adam did said it was good for beginners, and Charlie had seemed really aroused by Adam's, so he just went for it.

"Oh my god, Adam" he says, eyes going a little wide.

"You don't have to use it if-" Adam starts, but Charlie cuts him off with a pleased little laugh.

"Fuck, are you kidding? This is so hot!"

"Yea?"

"Yes" Charlie groans, low and drawn out. "I want to put it in. Do you... are you busy? Can I try and then call you back?" And the hungry look Charlie gives him through the screen sends a sudden, very powerful current of need right down Adam's spine. 

"Yea, I'm- I have time" he stutters. "There's, uh, there's more stuff in the bag."

Charlie rummages around and finds a few different types of lubricant, some gentle soap, a brush for cleaning, and a little box to keep it all in. 

"Adam... this is so..." he takes a breath, shaking his head like he can't think of the right words. "You're really good to me." He says it so matter-of-fact, so admiringly, it makes Adam blush a little. 

"I thought about adding a candle, but it felt cheesy" he chuckles, really only half joking because he had definitely gone back and forth over it. 

But Charlie looks right into the camera again and says: "We can do candles. I... I'd really like that" and he's so sincere, so absolutely breathtaking, that Adam has to look away from the screen for a second.

Charlie hangs up to try and sort out inserting the plug, only sending a few technical questions in the 10 minutes or so it takes him between calls. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: i should definitely clean this thing first right? 

Charlie: i want to say the box was already opened but i can't remember

Adam: Yea it was but that was me. You should always clean it first though. 

Charlie: ok

....

Charlie: it's suppose to be uncomfortable?

Adam: Putting it in might be at first but once it's in it shouldn't be. Open yourself up a little first.

Adam: We both know you're good at that part 😉

Charlie: my ego 😍

Adam: Deservingly so.

When Charlie calls back, Adam can immediately see the pleasure in his eyes. He's sitting on the couch again in the same spot he was when he opened the gift bag, his phone propped up on the coffee table in front of him. He's wearing sweatpants, and the obvious outline of his dick makes it clear that he's only wearing the sweatpants. Adam is using his iPad, sitting at the desk of the hotel room the team put him up in, his phone next to him. 

"Hi" Adam says. 

Charlie lets out a shuttering half-breath, half-laugh. "Hi." 

"Are you ok? Did you get it?" 

Charlie closes his eyes and nods. "Yea. I got it. I'm ok." Then he has the audacity to bite his lip, and Adam's hand goes to his own dick by instinct. 

"Do you... like it?" 

Adam watches Charlie roll his hips, moving the plug inside of himself. His breath catches for a second before he nods again. 

"Fuck, Charlie" Adam groans. "Do that again."

So Charlie rolls his hips again, pressing into the couch a little more. He braces himself with his hands on his thighs as his head falls forward and his eyes slip closed. He hums, low and carnal in the back of his throat, and the sound makes Adam physically shiver. 

"Charlie" Adam says, voice as steady as he can manage with all the desire coursing through him. "Can you look at me?"

Charlie looks up, eyes unfocused and lust blown already. Adam is going to really really enjoy this next part.

"That plug... it... vibrates."

His eyes go a little wide, and he looks around like he's searching for something. "No. No, there was no button or anything in the box."

Adam holds up his phone in the camera view with a wicked little grin. "I have the button." He holds his phone screen up to the iPad camera so Charlie can see the app he installed. It's got a switch and a sliding scale for intensity. Simple, but efficient.

Charlie sits up straighter, realizing what's about to happen, but the sharp movement shifts the plug again, and he moans into it almost against his will.

Adam looks very pointedly into the camera. "Do you remember all those texts you sent me when I was on the team bus, or at dinner, or walking into practice? All those times you enjoyed turning me on when there was nothing I could do about it?"

"I... I..." Charlie stutters, a little alarmed, but very clearly aroused. "Oh my god..."

"Are you ready?" Adam asks, holding his phone again in camera view. 

Charlie lets out a high pitched whimper as he rolls his hips again. "Yea. Yes... I'm-"

There is only a half second delay between Adam tapping his phone screen and the sudden jolt that has Charlie hunched over and cursing. "Fuck, Adam. Fu-fucking-" his moans work up in pitch and he grabs aggressively at the couch cushion he's sitting on for support. "Ok. Ok ok ok please please..."

Adam taps the screen again to turn it off. Charlie takes several shuttering breaths, laughing into them at the end. "I am going to come so quick with you doing that."

"Do you want me to stop?"

He looks right into the camera, chest still heaving from the sudden waves of pleasure. "No! But... I better not be in this alone. Are you...?"

"Yea" Adam breathes, the word nearly punching out of him. "Fuck, Charlie this is so... you're so fucking..." 

But he loses the sentence when Charlie moves his hips forward, and his eyes roll back. Adam can't think of any words, so he pushes the button again and watches Charlie shiver with a choked off gasp before-

"Fuck!" He practically shouts, letting the curse morph into a low, filthy groan of pleasure as he grinds his hips again and again.

"Yes" Adam moans, sliding his hand over his cock. "Charlie, shit... can you touch yourself?"

Charlie's shakes his head aggressively, bracing his hands on his knees. Adam turns the vibrations all the way down to the lowest intensity, and Charlie takes a second to gather himself. 

"If I even think too hard about touching my dick right now, I'm going to come." He says it between heaving breaths, and Adam strokes himself a little quicker.

"Just... can we keep it at this level? I can still feel it." Charlie says. "I... fuck. Fuck, this feels so good." 

Adam puts his phone down completely, leaving it on the low setting. "I'm glad you like it." 

He rubs himself as he watches Charlie rock back and forth on the couch a little more with his head lulled back and eyes half closed. He's sure he's never seen anything more erotic in his entire life than Charlie like this.

"Shit, Adam..." Charlie whispers, suddenly going rigid with wide eyes. "I... I think I'm gonna-."

Adam works himself a little faster, and opens his mouth to tell Charlie to, 'yes, please come', but Charlie is already doubled over one hand clutching the seat cushion, the other holding his cock inside his loose pants as he comes hard and fast with a broken, raspy moan. Adam comes almost immediately after, unable to look away from Charlie on his screen as he sucks down air like he just did a breakaway up the ice. 

Adam taps the vibrations off and closes the app, and they both spend a moment coming down from the high. 

"You good?" He asks after a bit, smirking a little as Charlie runs a hand over his flushed face. 

"Yea. Oh my god" Charlie laughs. "I just surprised myself with that one. I was ok, but then I thought..." he shakes his head, blushing. 

"What?" 

"I... I thought of you sitting on my dick like you were last week, and how you moving would move me... and how that would feel with this thing. And... I just..." he laughed again. "I lost it."

"That sounds amazing."

"This is by far the best gift, ever. Holy shit, Adam. I think-" 

There is a sudden knock on the door of Adam's hotel room. 

"Yea?" Adam calls out.

"We're going for food in 10" a mans voice calls back through the door. "You coming?" 

"Yea, I'll be down" Adam replies, then turns his attention back to Charlie as he taps the volume of his iPad down several notches. 

"I have to go" Adam says with a frown. "Team dinner..." 

"Ok" Charlie replies easily, though Adam can tell he is a little disappointed. 

"Are you ok to get that out?"

Charlie nods. "I'll text you."

"Ok" Adam says. And he knows he should hang up now and clean himself up for dinner, but he really doesn't want to. 

"You're so beautiful, Adam" Charlie says into the long stretch of silence. He's looking at Adam through the screen like he wants to say something else, but is trying really hard not to, and Adam's chest tightens a little. 

"I'll text you later" Charlie says again, giving Adam a tiny wave before ending the call. 

 

Duck Duck Juice: 

Charlie: hi 

Charlie: and other precursor things

Charlie: that was so hot I swear to god i get chills just thinking about it 

Adam: I don't think I'm ever going to recover from how sexy you are Charlie.

Charlie: good. I don't want you to. I want us to both be absolutely wrecked for each other and just fucking all the time

It feels a little too close to home, too close to the truth of how completely wrecked Adam has been for Charlie for years. He thinks alot about telling him it's been 10 years of this, about begging Charlie to 'please don't break my heart, don't leave' but he doesn't. The words always get stuck on the way out, and in text it feels like the physical words on the screen say too much and not enough at the same time. So he just waits for Charlie to fill in all the gaps Adam leaves there between them, just like he's always done. 

Charlie: you are honestly so beautiful it's insane 

Adam: You say that alot. The beautiful thing...

Charlie: well its true

Charlie: do you want me to stop? Is it too much?

Adam: No

Adam: I like it

Charlie: beautiful ❤️

And Adam is helpless to argue or take a step back. He is helpless to protect himself because he's so disoriented by how much he just... feels. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

 

Before the start of bye week break for the league Adam and Guy headed to Vegas to participate in the All Stars games while Charlie headed home to Minneapolis to watch with the rest of the gang, and to see Connie and Julie off for the US womens hockey Olympics. Adam and Guy wouldn't get to see the girls before they left, but they wore their USA jerseys checking into their hotel, and around the city the day before the event started to show support. 

There were journalists and reporters everywhere outside of the arena as they were checking in before the first day, and it didn't really surprise either of the guys that people seemed to enjoy interviewing them together. It was such a known fact that the Ducks stayed close, it felt almost like being interviewed with your brother. 

"Let's talk about these jerseys" a reporter says with a wide smile as the two boys turn quickly to show the names on the back. "Julie Gaffney and Connie Moreau of the US womens Olympic hockey team, yes?"

"Yea!" Adam grins. "Let's go USA!" Guy whoops loudly next to him.

"Do you think it helped them in developing their game to grow up playing with elite players like yourselves, Charlie Conway, and Russel Tyler?"

Adam and Guy look at each other, laughing and shaking their heads. 

"Definitely not" Adam says. "If anything, we're only at the level we are now because we played with them."

Guy nods along. "For sure. I mean, You faceoff against Moreau for 8 years in practices and you learn to push hard. She doesn't give an inch. And scoring on Gaffney is the biggest brag there is for any forward in any league. 

"Yea I think I've gotten maybe two pucks past her, ever" Adam adds, laughing again. 

"Bro, same!"

"So Adam, you got the fan vote" the reporter continues, changing the subject but smiling at their antics. "Why do you think the fans chose you?" 

Guy laughs suddenly on his other side as he grabs at Adam's chin and gives it a little shake. "Oh come on, it's obvious!" he says in a sing-song sort of way. "Just look at this pretty face!"

Adam shoves him off, laughing too. "I prefer the term 'beautiful' actually" he says, giving a dramatic wink into the camera, knowing Charlie is watching, hoping that he's flustered as hell. 

Quack Attack:

Connie: the jerseys 🥰

Julie: 😭 me right now

Portman: They are right tho. You girls are the real elite athletes 

Russ: BIG facts

Connie: 🥹

Goldberg: hell yea! Represent! 

Charlie: both of you could def hang in the NHL. No question. 

Kenny: Love that are getting interviews together. That's so cool to see.

Cowboy: DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!

Guy: omg sit down 😂

Banksie: These jerseys are cooler than ours 

Averman: aww hello beautiful 😍

Russ: why if it isn't Mr. Beautiful!

Fulton changed 'Banksie' to 'Beautiful'

Guy: 😂😂

Connie: love it

Julie: omg yes

Portman: So who is it that calls you beautiful eh banksie?

Beautiful: Your mom 

Luis: classic

-

Jules in the Bank:

J: I'm guessing the beautiful thing is from Charlie?

B: 🙃 How'd you know?

J: well he nearly died from inhaling some beer when you said it. 

J: everyone else was too busy laughing to notice but he was BLUSHING too. Like... really hardcore blushing it was adorbs.

B: Good. The little bastard deserves it for making me flustered literally every single day at all the worst times.

J: cute 

-

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: so fucking beautiful. 

Adam: That's what I hear 🥰

Charlie: When you come home after all stars I want you to fuck me 

Charlie: please

Charlie: literally every time I see you on tv i think about it

Adam: Oh my god

Adam: Seriously considering ditching this event and flying home right now tbh

Charlie: if you're waiting for me to say not to don't hold your breath

Charlie: Guy might cry though. Especially now that he's gotten into the habit of calling you beautiful in front of cameras 😒

Adam: Do I detect a hint of jealousy?

Charlie: maybe just a hint 

Adam: That was obviously a reference for you when I made that comment.

Charlie: i know and i loved it 

Charlie: even though i choked and died a little

Charlie: it did go straight through my dick on the way to my ego too which sucked with like... a dozen people in the room

Adam: I'm not sorry

Charlie: instagram is back on you having a thing for Jules btw

Adam: Of course they are. Because no way can a male and female just be friends. Nevermind that she's been out as a self proclaimed Super Lesbian for like 6 years.

Charlie: 😂

Adam: I miss you

Charlie: I miss you so much

Charlie: tomorrow 😍

Adam: Tomorrow night I'm going to fuck you.

Charlie: yes please

Charlie: annnnddd now I'm horny again. Lovely. I was just about to sit down and watch a movie with my mom and Earl. 

Adam: Tell Casey hi from me

Charlie: fuck off 

Adam: Nope 🙃

All Stars was fun, and he had a good time seeing Vegas with Guy, but Adam really missed Charlie. The promise of everything they were going to do together made Adam smile any time he thought about it. And it wasn't just the sex, either. Adam bought private ice time for him and Charlie to put in some work during the off time, and the whole gang would be staying up to watch the girls first Olympic game at 3am at Guy and Connie's place. They had even talked about going to see their old college team in a game. 

Fellas:

Charlie: Con and Jules plane just left. I'll come back and get you two doofuses when you land

Guy: really hate that i missed seeing Con off

Adam: Same. 

Adam: Thanks for representing the Ducks on the sendoff though Charlie

Guy: yea man thanks alot

Charlie: anything for the people 

Charlie: you guys want to eat when you get here or what? If not i might grab something now 

Guy: im going to Connie's parents for dinner so ill wait

Charlie: and what about mr beautiful?

Adam: Beautiful could eat 

Charlie: cool

-

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: it's a date 🥰

Adam: ❤️❤️

 

"Hey" Guy says, tapping Adam's arm across the isle of their first class seats. "Look... about Charlie..." He takes a deep breath, and looks at Adam, shaking his head like he's considering backtracking.

"Just... The jokes and shit about the Elaine thing, and hanging out all the time..." he sighs again. "I don't think he's as over his little crush or whatever he had on you as he says. I mean, maybe he is... I don't know... But it would really suck for both of you if he wasn't and you were hurting him without even knowing it, right? So just... be careful, yea? With the jokes?"

And what is Adam supposed to say to that? 'Oh we're sleeping together, actually, but don't worry... I'm sure he'll be over it soon' seems too blunt and out of the blue for them sitting in an airplane that's about to takeoff, and 'yea, I know exactly how it feels to be unintentionally hurt by your best friend you have feelings for' is too much of the bitter part of the whole truth. Guy is just being a good friend, and for a moment Adam considers confessing everything that's going on, everything he's worried about in the future when it all goes to shit, but he doesn't. Because when it ends he really wants to keep his friends. He wants to have normalcy in his life, and to be able to cling to the illusion that he will be ok after. The less people know, the easier that will be to get back. 

So he just nods and says "yea, alright" as the flight attendant closes the overhead storage, and they each settle into movies they'll fall asleep watching. 

It's not like Adam hasn't tried to talk himself down from his own fears either. When Charlie looks at him the way he does, like he thinks Adam might really, actually be the most beautiful thing, it's quite easy to forget how fast it could fall apart. It feels so real, so solid. Getting lost in it is the only choice, at least for the moment. 

And it's strange how blissfully unaware Charlie is of just how much this is killing and saving Adam at the same time. But then he remembers that, oh, right, I've pulled away for so long he can't read me anymore. 

I use to be able to read you so well, Adam. But now... I don't know how to do this with you...

There are times too though when Charlie looks at him and Adam has no idea what he's thinking, times when it feels like he really wants to say something, but doesn't. It's not really like Charlie to hold back, and Adam wonders if Guy is right, if Charlie actually had been hurting all that time. If it had been more than just a silly crush or lust-filled desire to fuck your hot friend. The idea makes him feel a little sick, because he is acutely aware of how much that sucks. 

Oh come on, Adam, you have to know that this is more than just sex for me...

And Adam does believe that. He believes that Charlie feels very deeply for him, and that he is happy. He just doesn't believe that it's going to last, because it never has, and never does. Maybe this is just what it's like fucking your very best friend in the whole world. It feels more real because you know each other so well. You care about them even if it's not love. But Adam knows, for him at least, it is love. 

"Hey-o!" Guy calls loudly to get Charlie's attention, pulling him in for an easy, brotherly hug as they all meet at the airport gate.

Adam hugs him next, squeezing just a little bit tighter than he maybe would have if they were actually just friends. Charlie hums contentedly into it, and Adam has to look down and pretend to adjust his luggage so Guy doesn't see the blush on his cheeks as they head out. 

Charlie drops Guy off then drives Adam to the Pho place they use to walk to together on the weekends when they were at Eden. They eat across from each other in mostly comfortable silence with their ankles crossed underneath the cloth-covered table, and it's nice. They haven't actually been in the same room in over a week. 

 

"Is your mom at work?" Adam asks as they walk into the mostly dark house.

"No, I, uh... I got her and Earl tickets to that big symphony thing and they are making a whole date night of it." Charlie shakes his head and rubs the back of his neck a little nervously. It's adorable, and Adam can't help but smile. "I just wanted us to have time alone."

And Adam simply cannot wait another second to kiss Charlie. He pulls him in hungrily, maybe even a little aggressively, delighted when Charlie leans into him, matching his need as their lips crash together. It's been 9 days since he last kissed Charlie. 9 excruciatingly long days.

They break apart long enough to head down to the finished basement Charlie has called his space since his mother moved in with Earl back in their Junior year at Eden. There are no pictures or posters down here since Charlie moved out, but the furniture is the same. There is still hockey gear in a pile in the little nook next to the bathroom, and the very distinct feeling of Charlie that Adam has grown to associate with his apartment in Jersey. It's familiar. At one point, back in school, Adam had worked out an incredibly elaborate fantasy of them together in this basement. It was a regular source of mental material during his rare alone time for over a year, and he almost wants to laugh now at how naive and tame it seems in comparison to all the things they have actually done since those days. 

"Do you still want to...?" Adam asks between kisses. 

Charlie nods and pulls away to lean against the closed door. "Yea but, umm... you should know I..." he lets the sentence die out, dropping his forehead to Adams shoulder with an embarrassed laugh. "It's not gone super great in the past. I want to... but I just, I don't know... I'm probably making a bigger deal than it is, but I'm nervous."

Adam pulls him into a hug, feeling a little overwhelmed by how vulnerable Charlie is right now. "If you change your mind during, then we can just do something else. Or nothing. Or cuddle. Or go get ice cream-" Charlie laughs, and Adam squeezes him a little tighter- "Whatever you want, ok?" 

"I want it to be good for you too, though."

And Adam actually laughs a little bit at that because just being here with Charlie, and talking about having sex with him... it's fulfilling well over half of everything he wanted at 16 years old. 

"It's only good for me if you enjoy it, Charlie."

Charlie looks up, searching his face with an overly thoughtful expression. "I... I think you just got more beautiful" he says, holding Adam's cheeks in his hand with a smile, moving his face side to side as if to look at all the angles. "How the fuck...?" 

Adam laughs again, leaning into a deep kiss. Charlie sinks into it, his hands working into Adam's hair. This part is so familiar now, and Adam smiles to himself about it as Charlie pulls both of their shirts off, and Adam unbuttons their pants. Charlie turns to lock the door, then takes Adam's hand, and heads to the bed. And he has seen Charlie naked so many times now, but it still makes his heart skip. Charlie pulls Adam down on top of him as he reaches for another kiss, and they both moan into it a little bit when their dicks press together. 

"Do you have stuff?" Adam asks, pulling out of the kiss and breathing a little hard already. Charlie points to his nightstand where there is already lubricant and a condom packet out, waiting. 

"Oh, hey, hang on" he says, leaving Charlie on the bed to rummage around in his pants laying on the floor across the room. 

He finds his phone and taps around on it for a bit, pulling up the app he had installed while he was waiting to get off of the plane earlier, then props it up against the lamp on Charlie's bedside table with a shy smile. 

On the screen is an image of a flickering candle. It sends a low, yellow light across the bed, making the wide smile Charlie gives him look somehow even more radiant than any Adam has ever seen. Charlie is giving him that look like he's about to say something really stupid, but really honest. He doesn't though. He just pulls Adam back down to kiss him, and Adam can almost feel whatever it was he was about to say being poured over them both. He reaches down and strokes Charlie's dick slowly, smiling into another kiss when Charlie arches his back at the touch. 

"Can I?" Adam asks, holding up the lubricant. 

Charlie nods and spreads his legs, lifting one knee up toward his chest. 

"Ok, take a breath and try to relax" Adam says, giving Charlie a few more gentle strokes. "When you breathe out I'll start, ok?"

Charlie nods again, taking a deep breath, and letting it out. When he's halfway through the exhale, Adam very slowly pushes a finger in. Charlie groans, and Adam isn't sure if it's from pleasure or discomfort, so he freezes and gives him a second to relax before giving his finger a little twist. 

"Oh, f-fuck" Charlie whispers. It's broken and a little choked, but it sounds good, so Adam does it again, and Charlie moves his hips the smallest bit into the movement. 

Adam watches for a while as Charlie's eye close, and his breathing evens out. 

"I'm going to add another finger, ok?"

"Ok" Charlie croaks. 

"Can you breathe again for me, Charlie? You're doing so well." 

So he takes another breath, and lets it out slowly as Adam pushes back into him again, stretching him over two fingers. Charlie looks like he's enjoying it well enough, but he's strangely quiet, which isn't really like him in any setting, but particularly during sex. 

"Charlie" Adam whispers, "Hey is this ok? I'm not... I don't do this much. You have to tell me what's good for you."

"Mmmm.... It's so good..." Charlie says, humming a little into a low, soft moan. "But you could be kissing me more" he adds with a dazed smirk. 

And Adam knows he's probably just being a smartass, but he leans into Charlie anyway, kissing him slowly, messily, moving down his neck to nip at the place between his shoulder and collarbone that Adam knows he loves. He bends his fingers the tiniest bit, earning himself a higher pitched moan from Charlie as he presses his own hips into the mattress to relieve some pressure. Charlie's hips move against Adam's fingers almost involuntarily, and each movement sends a sharp current of pure lust straight to Adam's cock. 

"Fucking christ, Charlie" Adam says, huffing a laugh and resting his forehead against Charlie's bent knee. "You're killing me..." 

Charlie laughs a little too, but it turns into a breathy whimper when Adam twists his fingers again. "Fucking hell, Adam" he groans. "I thought you said you hadn't done this that much..."

"Just the sex. But I do this part to myself sometimes." 

Charlie's dick twitches against his stomach, and Adam reaches down to touch it. 

"Don't" Charlie pants, smacking his hand away. "I will come." 

"Fucking fu- Can I add..."

Charlie nods, lifting his knee a little again, taking a deep breath as Adam applies more lubricant, and pushes three fingers in. It doesn't take as long as Adam thought it might before Charlie is moaning and grinding down on him, and he silently so thankful because his dick is so hard it's almost painful. 

"Fuck me, Adam" Charlie moans into a kiss. "Please..." 

So Adam stands to grab the condom, slipping it on and applying lube. Charlie moves to the edge of the bed with his legs up for Adam to lean into as he lines up at Charlie's entrance. He slides in slowly while Charlie breathes through it, their eyes locked. 

Once he's in as far as he can go without pushing too much, Charlie takes Adam's hand that's holding his thigh and laces their fingers together while he adjusts to Adam's size. 

"Are you ok?" Adam asks, clocking the obvious discomfort on Charlie's face. 

"Yea" Charlie breathes. "Just... don't move yet."

"I won't. You can move when you're ready." 

He says it, begging his body to stay frozen, hoping his hips don't snap forward against his will. It feels so fucking good, and looking down at Charlie like this, all lust blown eyes and heaving chest, it's already bringing him so close to the edge it's almost embarrassing. 

Charlie moves his hips the tiniest bit, and his jaw falls open as if he's surprised by how good it feels. He lets out a long, whispered curse then rolls his hips again, forcing Adam in a little deeper. 

"Fu-" Adam groans, cutting himself off with a gasp, clutching Charlie's thigh and fingers a little tighter. 

"Ok" Charlie says, "you can move."

Adam pulls out slowly, almost completely, and Charlie's back arches as he moves in again. It's almost too much, and Adam has to squeeze his eyes shut to not lose it by how absolutely gorgeous Charlie looks right now. He runs his fingers down Charlie's inner thigh, reaching for his cock, but Charlie pushes his hand away again. 

"I don't want to come yet. This feels so fucking good..." Charlie says through heavy breathing. "Can you come closer?"

Adam tries to lean forward to kiss Charlie again, but the bed is a little too high off the ground even for his height, and he doesn't reach with Charlie's muscular legs between them.

"I can't like this."

Charlie bites his lip for a second, searching Adams face. "Can we... can we do something else? "

Adam pulls out, silently a little grateful for the break because he was getting really close. He sprinkles little kisses on Charlie's inner thigh next to his knee as he whispers "Yea. What do you want?"

Charlie moves back on the bed until his head hits the pillow, then holds out his hand for Adam to follow. "Want to be the big spoon?" He asks, a little shyly, a little playfully.

"Yea, let me just..." he grabs the lube again and applies a bit more for good measure, then settles in behind Charlie, their hands held together underneath the pillow they are both resting on. 

When Adam slides in this time, Charlie lets out a deep, filthy moan, and the room spins a little. 

"Fuck, Adam" he pants, reaching for Adam's other hand and wrapping it under his arm, clutching to it at his chest. "You feel... oh my god...so good..."

Adam can feel Charlie's heart pounding under his hand, can feel his back moving as he breathes. He leans in, holding Charlie as close as he can, nuzzling his face into his neck to kiss just under his ear. Charlie moans obscenely, grinding his hips into each of Adam's slow, rhythmic thrusts. 

And Adam can't tell how long it goes on for. He can't think about anything but Charlie grinding on his cock, and his heart beating wild in his chest. It feels so intimate, almost romantic, holding onto Charlie in the glow of the artificial candlelight, even their breathing seems to sync together. 

Charlie suddenly lets out a deep, gutteral groan as he rolls halfway onto his stomach, pulling Adam with him so that Adam's thrusts are pressing Charlie's hips against the bunched up blankets by his dick. 

"Y-yes!" He cries out, voice shaking. "Harder, Adam. I'm going to come."

So Adam pulls his arm from under the pillow to sit up on his elbow for leverage, and he snaps his hips forward, fucking Charlie hard into the mattress, still holding him close against his chest. 

Adam comes first, burying his face into Charlies shoulder as he gasps for air. Charlie grinds back against him and moves Adam's hand to his dick, following Adam over the edge in just a few strokes.

They lay there catching their breath for several minutes before Adam actually pulls out and goes to wash his hands and throw the condom out in the bathroom. He brings back a washcloth and dry towel for Charlie, who has kicked the cum-messed blanket onto the floor and is sprawled out in the center of the bed. 

Adam helps clean up and finds an extra blanket at the top of Charlie's closet. They stay there together for a long time in the silence, Adam's face nuzzled into Charlie's neck. 

"You ok?" Adam asks after a while. 

"Mhm" Charlie hums. "Amazing. That was... it was perfect. I really loved it."

Adam presses in a little closer, peppering Charlie's jaw and neck with kisses. 

"Did... did you like it?" Charlie asks, voice barely more than a whisper. 

Adam sits up a little so he can look at Charlie's face. "It was so good" he says, leaning in to kiss him, hoping that a little bit of what he's feeling is getting through it.

"Plus" he adds with a small grin, leaning back a little. "I love that I got to be the first person to actually fuck Charlie Conway. I mean... holy shit."

Charlie gives him a light shove, just enough to knock him back onto the bed so he can lay his head on Adam's chest. 

"No fair. I want to be the first something for you." 

"Hmmm" Adam thinks for a moment. "Does it count if you're the first person I've had sex with more than once?" 

"Am I really?" Charlie says, hand freezing in the circles he was drawing along Adams chest. 

"Mhm. Never really wanted a second go with anyone else."

"I... I love that" Charlie sighs, resuming rubbing Adam's chest and abs. "I mean, I hate thinking about you with anyone else... but, I don't know. I think it counts as a first I can have. It feels... important."

And few months ago Adam would have made a joke about Charlie's huge ego or his jealous streak, but it's February now. It's been nearly 5 months, so he knows the clock is ticking, and he's barely holding onto forcing himself to leave at the end of the night as it is. But he desperately wants to keep Charlie just a little while longer, so he burries his face in Charlie's messy hair with a little hum. 

"It is important" he whispers, trying hard not to let the weight of that truth crush him too much as Charlie pulls him just a little bit closer. 

About half an hour later Charlie's alarm goes off on his phone to alert him that the concert he sent his mother and step-father to is about to end, and they spend a few more minutes laying naked together before they reluctantly get up and get dressed. 

"Don't forget to blow the candle out" Charlie says with a grin, nodding at Adam's phone still propped up on the bedside table. "We don't want to burn the house down."

Adam laughs a sudden, booming laugh, reaching for his phone and blowing on the screen as he closes the candle app and opens up the Uber one. 

"I'll drive you home" Charlie says.

"You don't have to, Charlie. It's really not a problem." 

"I'll feel better if I take you" Charlie says, slipping his shoes on. "We were just fucking, and if I'm not asleep when you leave then I'll just be here feeling like a bootycall." 

Charlie laughs as he says it like it's supposed to be a joke, but Adam can see a little pain there too. He pulls Charlie in for a tight hug, hating himself for always leaving, for being so selfish. For wanting to protect himself even at the expense of this man he's so absolutely in love with. 

"Plus" Charlies adds, mumbling into Adam's neck. "Since you brought up ice cream earlier I can't stop thinking about it." 

"I could go for ice cream" Adam smiles. 

And when they head out it feels incomplete, like they are leaving something really important unsaid. 

I love you, Adam thinks as Charlie leads him out of the basement and out onto the driveway. And he keeps thinking it, screaming it in his mind as if the words will somehow break through to Charlie without him having to speak them and risk rejection. I love you. Please don't break my heart.  

But no actual words come out, so Charlie just starts the car, and they head out for ice cream. 

Notes:

This took so long and I'm still not 100% happy with it, but at some point you just have to send it, ya know?

Thoughts? Feelings? I want to know what you think so far!

Chapter 5: I'll Color Me Blue (anything it takes to make you stay)

Summary:

Charlie struggles to follow Adam's give and take because he is clueless to everything Adam leaves unsaid.

(Song is Blue by Troye Sivan)

Charlie expects Adam to pull away after the intimacy of that night in his mom's basement, but he doesn't. He texts Charlie in the morning to see how he's feeling (a little sore, but ok) and when they meet for lunch with Averman and Goldberg he sneaks little touches whenever he can. A light hand on his back when they walk through the door. A brush of his fingers on Charlie's arm when he moves into the booth next to him. His thigh pressed against Charlie's the whole time despite there being plenty of room. 

At one point Adam reaches his left hand across his lap under the table to give Charlie's a quick squeeze, and Charlie can hear the contented sigh from him at the touch. Like he is just as breathless by it all as Charlie is. Like maybe he needed that contact as much as Charlie did. 

Adam reserved private ice time for them at the local rink so they could work on drills, and they spend most of the third day working through various shot angles and playing 1 on 1 to get the puck in the others zone. Afterwards they shower together in a single stall, and Adam jacks them both off simultaneously while Charlie tries not to fall into a sated mess on the tile floor. 

 

The fourth day they go to a UMN Gophers hockey home game at their old college. The team is crushing it with Jones as Captain his senior year, and Charlie cheers loud with the crowd when his name and number are called out over the speaker. Adam claps along, tight lipped but being a good sport about it. Jones gets the game tying goal and the Gophers win it in OT. 

Zoomie Roomies:

Con-man: hey man good game! Me and Banksie were going to head off campus for drinks and wings if you wanna come

Jonesie: hell yea sounds lit! You know the parties don't really start getting good round here until after 10 anyway

Con-man: cool Banks can drive or you can meet us

Jonesie: ill meet ya in 20

Jonesie: got some fans to see ;)

Con-man: sure you do 🙄

Jonesie: Ok ok Daisy's mom wants to take pictures of me and her in the arena 

Con-man: there it is 

Con-man: so whipped dude

Jonesie: and you're hanging with banks bc?

Con-man: fuck off

Jonesie: thought so.

Con-man: hey Daze can come obviously 

Jonesie: ill ask

Jonesie: you know she's kinda anti-soc

Con-man: nah youre just exhausting as fuck

Jonesie: that too

"He has a girlfriend" Charlie says as he and Adam climb in the car. "I don't know if I've mentioned that." 

"Who?"

"Jones. Her name is Daisy and they've been on and off for like... the whole time I've known him." 

Adam starts the car and puts his seatbelt on, but just sits there staring out of the windshield for a moment before-

"I'm not jealous like that" he says, but Charlie gives him a look and he backtracks. "Ok, maybe a little, at first, but mostly I think... I think I just hate that he sort of replaced me in your life there for a while."

It hits Charlie right in the chest. Partly because, holy shit, did Adam just say something semi open without them having sex or there being a whole fight first?! But also because, ouch, Charlie can't imagine what that must feel like. 

"He definitely didn't" he says, reaching for Adam's hand and lacing their fingers together. "It's actually impossible for anyone to replace you in my life because you're so important to me." 

"Charlie, I..." Adam takes a shakey breath, letting it out as his head falls back against the head rest. "I just feel so... much." 

"Me too" Charlie replies easily, giving Adam's hands a squeeze, then bringing them up to his lips to kiss. Because what else can he say to that? At this point Adam is definitely about to tap out on vulnerability, and he doesn't want to push. He's still so fucking afraid to push... 

So they head to the wing place and settle in at the bar. Adam orders a soda since he's driving, and Charlie orders a beer, and they hang out waiting for Jones while they watch some random football highlights on the big screen. 

Zoomie Roomies: 

Jonesie: Amanda is coming

Jonesie: Daze is headed home but she say hi tho

Con-man: tell D ill have a jack & coke for her haha

Jonesie: she said make it two she's thirsty

Con-man: 😂 deal

Charlie laughs at their old inside joke, then shows the texts to Adam, knowing the Amanda thing might be weird. He feels bad, but he also just wants to spend time with his friends he never gets to see, and he wants Adam to know them and love them as much as he does. 

"It's fine" Adam says, sounding casual even though Charlie can tell its just the mask. 

"Is it?"

"Yea" Adam nods, then takes a quick sip of his coke. 

They sit there in comfortable silence for a while watching the games highlights. Charlie can tell Adam wants to say something, so he just waits. 

"Does Amanda know you're bi? I know you said Jones does but..."

"Mhm" Charlie hums over his beer. "Yea, She's the one who told me about that bar in St Paul, actually. There is apparently a sort of gay-straight alliance thing that meets there once a month for college students in the area. I never went but her best friend goes."

"It doesn't worry you that so many people know?"

"Not really, no." Charlie shrugs. "I mean I'm not ready to wave a rainbow flag around Jersey, but... I'm not ashamed of it either." 

"Does it bother you that I'm not-"

"Conway!" Jones calls out, cutting Adam off as he waves the two of them over to the booth he and Amanda are being seated at. 

Charlie gives Adam a moment to decide if he wants to finish his question or head over, not surprised when he stands up and leads them across the sports bar. 

"Hey, hey guys!" Jones says. "Banks, this is my sis Amanda" he points between them. "Amanda, this is Adam Banks, the roommate that got so sick of Charlie's snoring he submitted for the draft to get away from it."

"It was actually the mountains of dirty laundry for me" Adam said, laughing along as he moved further into the booth across from the others to make room for Charlie next to him. "But the snoring was a nightmare." 

They all laughed as Charlie acted falsely offended. 

"Wish Daze could have come" Charlie said after a while. "How's that going?" 

"10 months solid if you can fucking believe it" Amanda cut in with a grin, reaching up to ruffle Jones messy hair. 

"Holy shit, man" Charlie laughed. "That's a record."

"She didn't want to come?" Adam asked.

Jones shook his head with that dopey smile Charlie always associated with him thinking about Daisy. "Nah she's not really a night owl. I'll be headed to the team party after this and she's not into it." 

"How does that work with you two" Adam asks cautiously. "I mean you seem pretty..." 

"Fucking annoying?" Amanda supplies.

"Extra as hell?" Charlie adds. 

Adam laughs. "I was going to say extroverted, but you guys know him better than me, so..." He shrugs a little with a grin, and Jones gasps dramatically at the implication. 

"Haha well, yea, but I love her" Jones says. "She likes doing her thing and I like mine, sure, but I don't want anyone else, ya know?" 

"Yea" Charlie and Adam say at the same time. 

"Plus I'm just trying to play hockey, but she's actually getting a degree to use, so... my girl's got goals and I think that's very hot of her."

"My bro, the feminist" Amanda says, batting her lashes and earning a smack on the head with the drink menu. 

"You guys should come to the party" Jones said. "Two NHL players... you'll have your pick of partners."

Charlie doesn't miss the way he says partners instead of girls, and a little bit of his heart swells for his friend. 

"We have plans actually" Adam cuts in, snaking his hand up to the table to lace his fingers with Charlie's. "Maybe next time, though."

Charlie's heart stops beating for a second and then picks up doubletime as his fingers squeeze Adam's, his hand like a vice grip. He has no idea what plans Adam is talking about, but he likes the way it sounds.

"Oh shit" Jones laughs, nodding his approval with a wide grin. "Message received. Wow. Who would have thought all that fucking pining would amount to- ow! fuck, dude!"

Charlie smiles sarcastically as he kicks Jones hard under the booth. Adam squeezes their hands together a little before moving them off of the table and out of view. He doesn't let go though, and Charlie feels like his heart might explode in his chest from how absolutely happy he is right now. 

"I love this" Amanda says, pointing between the two of them while Jones continues to curse under his breath. "Are you guys out?"

"No" Charlie and Adam say at the same time. 

She nods, then makes a zipping motion with her fingers against her lips, grinning into it as the server goes about passing out their drinks. And they don't really talk about it more than that. They play some of the trivia games on the little machine at the table, eat and drink, and then leave about an hour later with promises to see each other over summer. And when they walk to the car, Adam looks around, then takes Charlie's hand in his again. 

"Do you want to come back to my house?" He asks Charlie. "My parents will be home, but they're in the other wing, definitely asleep by now." 

And all Charlie can do is nod, because his heart is in his throat, and he feels like it's all too good to be true. 

 

"Did you really just come out to my friends?" Charlie asks as Adam starts the car, letting it defrost the ice that had already formed on the windshield in the hour they were inside.

"I guess I did" Adam breathes. "Is that... oh god, should I have asked? Is it ok that I did that?"

Charlie leans over and kisses him as deeply as he can with the distance between their seats dividing them. "It's so ok, Adam. But, are you ok? I mean, that's kind of a big deal... Our friends don't even know."

"I... I think it's easier when it's people I don't know. Once our friends know then it's... complicated. When it goes bad there will be sides and all that and... I don't want to put them through that. Or us."

And that stings a little. It stings alot, actually, but Charlie really doesn't want to think about it right now. He wants to enjoy the night a little while longer, so he leans in and kisses Adam again to distract himself. 

"Can we go to my house instead?" He asks, leaning back a little from the kiss. "Just that... you have the car and I'd have to get an Uber and it's already kinda late..." 

He doesn't say that he doesn't think he can bring himself to leave Adam at the end of the night, even though he knows Adam will want him to go, and Adam doesn't question it. He just nods with a quite "we can do that" before leaning into another kiss while the heat melts the snow as it lands against the car windows. 

 

The last night before they leave Minnesota they all gather at Guy and Connie's house to watch the girls first US Olympic game against Finland. The time difference means the game will be airing at 3am for them, so they stock up on RedBull and snacks and try to nap on the couches and spare beds in Guys gigantic house before it starts. 

At 2:11 am Charlie posts a video to his instagram of him, Adam, Guy, Fulton, Averman, and Goldberg jumping up and down, dancing silly, and singing loudly over the music to the chorus of Taylor Swift's End Game with the caption: This was THE hype song Con and Jules beat into our brains senior year, and we just KNOW they have it on repeat getting ready for this Olympic game! If you're up and watching, stitch the video and show us that you're hyped and send TEAM USA some love! #ducksflytogether #teamusa 

Within 10 minutes every other duck has stitched the video with clips of them jumping around and singing the song too. Hundreds of strangers would do the same, and before puck drop Julie and Connie both shared the video with a stitch of their own showing all the womens team moshing around the locker room in full gear screaming the lyrics at top volume with the caption: YOU AND ME, WE GOT BIG REPUTATIONS! #USA

And they win the first game by a landslide. 

 

Duck Duck Juice: 

Charlie: mom and Earl are at work so I think you should come over and fuck me before we leave for the airport

Charlie: otherwise the whole flight I'm going to be trying to convince you to get off with me in that tiny bathroom and I'm honestly not sure we'll both fit

Adam: Oh hi. Good morning.

Adam: I am currently waiting to be seated for breakfast with my parents.

Charlie: ok but after that? 

Adam: I swear you do this on purpose.

Charlie: do you want me to stop?

Adam: You know that I don't.

Charlie: so is that a yes? 

Adam: Yes. Obviously yes I will come over and fuck you, are you kidding me?! 

Charlie: 😊

Charlie: can we do that spooning thing again that was amazing

Adam: We can do whatever you want just please stop texting me right now my mother just asked me if I was ok because I 'look strange'. 

Charlie: fine

Charlie: but only because you'll be inside of me later and I really need you to be merciful since I have a game tomorrow night

Adam: Charlie. 

Charlie: ok. Im done. For real this time.

And, aside from the tiny bite mark he leaves on Charlie's shoulder, Adam is merciful. He fucks Charlie gently, holding him close to his chest, whispering in his ear. It's nearly too much, and if Charlie wasn't drowning so deep in ecstacy, he could almost cry by how perfect it is, being so close to Adam like that. 

 

So naturally, being back in the city, and getting back to their full time playing schedules is an adjustment after so much freedom to be together during bye week at home. Adam makes comments masked as jokes about the girls on social media being obsessed with him, trying to touch him when they see him outside of the arena in his game day suit. Charlie doesn't really like the jealousy. It's not fun for him because he knows that Adam really means it when he's making jokes, and he knows what it's like to wonder what Adam is doing when they are apart. He doesn't want Adam to feel like that, because even if he's made no assurances that Charlie is the only one he's with, Charlie doesn't really think there is anyone else. It still doesn't stop him from worrying. And it doesn't stop him from wanting Adam to feel secure. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: ok pick a shirt 

Charlie: [photo] [photo]

Adam: Why do I have to pick? They both look amazing.

Adam: God you're so hot. Do I say that enough? Because you really are. Fuck... 

Charlie: i won't complain if you say it more 😍

Charlie: i want you to pick so that when im on roadies you can know im thinking about you and not all those fangirls the team posts on insta.

Adam: You don't have to do that, Charlie. You should pick whichever one you like. 

Charlie: pick a damn shirt Adam

Adam: The second one. You look really good in purple. 

Charlie: my ego 😍

Adam: Oh shut up you know you look good.

Charlie: yea but it only matters when you say it 

Adam: 🫠

Charlie: i miss you 

Adam: I miss you too. When do you fly out?

Charlie: tomorrow morning for 5 days.

Adam: Can I come over after my game tonight?

Charlie: yes please

So Charlie wears the shirt to California and tries to stay away from the crowds of women, even though social media is blowing up about how good he looks in that color. Lots of posts about wanting to take Charlie out of that shirt, some that make it to the group chat with lots of jokes and even a meme that Kenny made. Adam thinks it's funny, and texts Charlie about it before the game. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: If only those girls knew who actually takes your clothes off.

Charlie: who cares what they think

Charlie: what do YOU think?

Adam: I think I can't wait for you to get home. 

 

Charlie's probably so sensitive to the jealousy thing because he spent alot of time in college wondering who Adam might be getting off with. He'd imagined him getting blowjobs from girls from their shared classes that would flirt with him, and he would get annoyed any time Adam seemed to flirt back. It's comical to think about now, knowing Adam is gay, and realizing that he, himself, was actually jealous that whole time and didn't know it. He had never been jealous before, so he didn't recognize those feelings for what they were right away. He'd never really wanted someone he didn't feel like he could have if he tried until Adam, but even with Adam climbing into his bed it didn't feel like he really had him completely. There was always that barrier there, and Adam was still leaving. The later into the season it got, the worse it seemed to be. 

The spiral started around mid-March. Charlie could feel Adam distancing himself even though outwardly everything seemed the same. They still texted and called during away games as much as their individual teams demanding energy would allow, Adam still came by when they had time, and the sex was still incredible, but the emotional distance stretched on and on. The intimacy they took so long to build up to was slipping away, and the more Charlie tried to hold onto it, the faster it seemed to disappear. 

Slowly, everything started to revert back, and Charlie couldn't understand why. 

No more cuddling after sex, or small touches when they are out in the city together. No more waiting until Charlie has fallen asleep to leave. No more hope that this could become something more. Adam has that unreadable mask on almost all the time now, and Charlie feels like he's clinging to something he never really had a good hold of to begin with.

Adam has started to close his eyes again too, refusing to look at Charlie during sex for longer than a few seconds, tearing his eyes away like it is painful. Charlie tries not to let it get to him, he really really does, but it hurts. 

"What the hell, Adam" he says with a frustrated grunt, pulling out in the middle of sex and storming into the bathroom to take the condom off. It's been fucking weeks of this and Charlie can't do it anymore. He just can't.

"What?" Adam calls down the hall. "What's wrong?"

"You..." Charlie replies, walking back into the room to lean against the wall next to his bedroom door with his arms crossed, still naked. "You keep shutting me out. Who the hell are you thinking about when you refuse to look at me like that?"

He can't help it that his mind goes there. It's what he use to do himself, fucking strangers, trying to imagine they were Adam. A part of him feels bad for ever possibly making anyone feel even a tiny bit the way he feels right now. 

"No one!" Adam says defensively, sitting up in Charlie's bed. His brows are furrowed and he looks like he wants to cry and yell at the same time, but Charlie just... he can't be a comfort to him right now. It fucking hurts too much. 

"Then why can't you look at me, Adam? Why can't you just... be in the moment with me!?"

Adam gets up and crosses the room, eyes glossy. Charlie can't tell what he's thinking and it's so frustrating he wants to scream, but he doesn't. He just leans into the kiss Adam offers him, helpless to do anything else. Because no matter how much it hurts, he still really wants Adam in any way he can have him. 

"You're just... you're really intense sometimes, Charlie."

"I wasn't too intense for you last month."

Adam sighs and rests his forehead to Charlies shoulder. Charlie still hasn't uncrossed his arms, but he leans his head in to nuzzle Adam's a little. 

"It's... it's April."

"I don't know what that means" Charlie says, because he really has no idea. He nudges Adam's head a little so that he looks up, and it crushes Charlie to see that his eyes are a little red. 

"We just... we don't have a lot of time, Charlie." 

Adam looks so hurt when he says it, like it's taking everything from him to say it even though Charlie still doesn't understand. The only thing Charlie can think of that makes sense is that playoffs are coming and they might have to compete against each other, but that's weeks away, and they can get past that. They've been rivals before.

"But why can't we just enjoy the time we have?" He says, pulling Adam into a hug. "I don't honestly know what you mean by us not having time... but... I can't stand the idea that your mind is off somewhere else- maybe with someone else- when I'm trying to be with you." 

"I'm sorry" Adam mumbles, nuzzling his face into Charlie's neck to plant tiny kisses there. 

"It's fine" Charlie sighs, running his hands through Adam's long hair. 

It's not really fine, but Adam is kissing him, and biting that spot between his shoulder and collarbone that feels so fucking amazing, and Charlie can feel his dick getting hard again between them as Adam drops to his knees. Adam sucks him slowly, looking up at him the entire time, holding Charlie's gaze until he sees stars. 

 

The Devils and the Rangers are both in the running for the playoffs, having solidified their spots one at a time by the start of April. It's not surprising that they are too busy to see each other much, but it still sucks that, when they do have time, it's rushed, lacking all of the intimacy Charlie craves so much. Adam has gotten better about the eye contact, but it doesn't feel the same. It feels forced, really, and Charlie isn't even all that excited for them to have sex anymore. It feels like it use to back when he was trying to find Adam in strangers. He's with Adam and still, somehow, he's not. It feels like he's back to pretending. 

It's hard too, because, career wise, he's doing so well. He's been a solid 2nd line winger all season, and is in the running for the Calder trophy for rookie of the year. His team is going to the Stanley Cup playoffs. He is actually living out all of the dreams he had when he was 8 years old playing D-5 hockey that first season and losing every single game.

And it's not enough. 

Fellas:

Guy: just got to the hotel in NY 

Guy: god this city smells like ass

Adam: 🖕

Charlie: yea its definitely not home

Guy: drinks after Charlies game tonight?  

Charlie: im down 

Adam: where at?

Guy: idk it's your city cake-eater take me somewhere swanky or whatever the fuck

Adam: This swanky enough for ya? 

Adam: [link]

Adam: its near Charlie since he's playing

Charlie: i should be able to be there by 10 but can we say 11 so I can go home first and shower 

Guy: sounds good 

Adam: Yea

Charlie's last regular season game is a home game against the Blue Jackets. The Devils are playoff bound, and the Jackets aren't, but neither team is giving any games away out of pride. Charlie gets 2 assists and an empty net goal from clear across the ice before the final buzzer, and he's feel really good. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: Text me when you get home.

Adam: I want you to fuck me before we go meet Guy.

Charlie: omg 

Charlie: just turned my phone on 

Charlie: yes please

Charlie: im like 15 min from my place now

Adam: On my way!

He rushes home and showers really quick, the locker room shower just never feeling all that clean after a sweaty game or practice. He checks the time, seeing he and Adam will have over an hour before they are suppose to go to meet Guy, and his mind is wondering to whether it will seem weird if they show up together, or if they should take seperate cars, when he gets a text from Guy. 

Bitches Be Trippin (its us. we are bitches.):

Guy: BROOOOOOOO 

Guy: that EN goal was full ice length! Sick!

Char: yea im kinda still high about it tbh

Guy: hey tell your door dude to let me up

Char: you're here?

Guy: yea man! 

Char: ok hang on 

Well, fuck. 

He calls down to Ricky, then texts Adam that Guy is at his apartment, hoping he gets it before he arrives, which should be any second. 

"Dude!" Guy says, jumping up and down and pulling him into a playful headlock as soon as he sees him "Why are you not like... still fucking hyped up?!"

"I think you're hype enough for both of us, to be honest" Charlie laughs. 

Guy heads down the hall to use the bathroom and Charlie tries to call Adam, but he doesn't answer. Just as he's hanging up Charlie hears a knock on his door. 

"Hey" Charlie says, a little breathless, opening the door. "Did you get my-"

"Oh my god, Charlie" Adam says, cutting him off. "You did so well. And that fucking purple shirt actually makes me so horny..." he kisses Charlie deeply, kicking the door closed behind him as he starts to unbutton Charlie's pants. "Ricky gave me the weirdest look wh-"

"Adam" Charlie says, pulling back with wide eyes. "Stop. Guy..." 

And he can't think of what to do. He can't think of how to fix this because there is no way Guy didn't hear at least some of that across the small apartment, and Charlie just knows Adam is about to panic. 

"What? We have-" Adam looks at his watch- "a whole hour before we're meeting him." He starts to lean in for another kiss, but stops dead in his tracks, looking over Charlie's shoulder in shock. 

"Well don't let me ruin the fun" Guy laughs loudly, "I can fuck right on off." 

"Oh my god" Adam whispers. "I... I have to..." And he walks out of the door. 

Charlie sighs deeply and follows him down the hall of his building, jogging a little to catch up. 

"Adam wait! It's just Guy..."

"No, I..." He's breathing heavy. "I'm.. I'm freaking out." 

"I can see that" Charlie says, moving closer, hoping to wrap Adam in a hug, hoping to try to calm him and make this better. 

But Adam takes a sudden step back. "No. I have to go."

And Charlie wants to push. He wants to grab Adam and drag him back into the apartment and force him to have an actual conversation. But it's still echoing around inside his head how pushing has backfired in the past. 

 

I... I don't want to go, ok?

Stop pushing me, Charlie... 

 

"Ok" he says instead, forcing the syllables out with great effort. "But... are you going to come back?" And it's only now, the words cracking as he says them, that he realizes he is crying. 

"I... I don't know" Adam says, crying too. "It's April." 

"You keep saying that but I don't know what the fuck it means, Adam!" He screams. 

"Yes you do!" Adam screams back, a wild sob ripping through him. 

But Charlie really doesn't know, so he just stands there crying, watching as Adam leaves.

 

"What was that?" Guy asks when he comes back to the apartment. "Did Adam really just go?"

"Yea" Charlie chokes out. "He does that. He leaves me." He sits down heavily on the couch, not trying at all to stop the tears even though Guy hasn't really seen him cry in years. 

"How long have you two been...?"

"Mid- September. That first preseason game."

"Holy shit." Guy runs his hands through his hair, rubbing the nape of his neck a little. "That's like... what? Seven months?" 

Charlie just nods. Has it really already been seven months? 

"Well, go beat his door down or something like you normally do."

Charlie sighs, or maybe sobs, he can't really tell the difference at this point. "I can't."

"Why the hell not? It's Adam... go get him."

"I don't know where he lives. I've.. I've never- he doesn't want me there."

The shocked look on Guy's face really brings home for Charlie just how awful that sounds, and how it makes this all look. How absolutely disposable this whole relationship must be for Adam. 

"Hang on" Guy says, clearly fuming. "He knows your fucking door-dude by name, but you don't even know where he lives?" 

"Yea" Charlie croaks out, pulling his legs up onto the couch as fresh tears well up in his eyes. "Fucked up, right?" And he feels like a small child curled up and crying in the corner of his couch, but he doesn't care. His whole world is falling apart. Adam is gone, and nothing makes sense anymore.

Guy stands up and makes Charlie a glass of water, setting it down on the coffee table between them. "I'm going to kill him" he says. "At our game tomorrow, I might end up killing him." 

And Charlie laughs a little, despite the tears, because he's so angry that he kind of wants to punch Adam too, but also because he really can't imagine Guy and Adam in a fight. He has no idea who would win. 

"Don't do that" Charlie says, letting his head fall to rest against the back of the couch with a deep, resigned sigh.

"Why? I really really want to." 

"Because... unfortunately, I love him." 

Notes:

Here we fucking go, eh? Some angst!

Chapter 6: I'm Losing My Mind (i just miss you)

Summary:

Guy and Adam fight.
Adam is brave.
(Title from the song Reruns by Rosie Darling. This is also the song I was listening to when I thought of the theme for this fic.)

Adam sat crying in his car for a long time in the parking area outside of Charlie's building. A small part of him hoped Charlie would come after him, even though a much larger part of him knew that would probably end badly. Then again, it's hard to imagine things being much worse than they already are.

Charlie texts him several times, but he doesn't answer. He can't think properly with Charlie in his head. He never has been able to hear himself through the fog of Charlie fucking Conway. It's why he started walking away all those years ago. He stopped giving in and pushing Charlie back because it was too hard, and Adam was too weak. It had been killing him. Those defenses saved him, but now he can't stop himself from putting them up, even when it's clearly hurting them both. He's been pulling away for weeks, unable to stop thinking about the ticking clock on their time together. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: its just Guy. Hes not going to out you, hes one of your best friends in the world. You have to know that

Charlie: im trying really hard not to be angry that you just left me. Again

...

Charlie: and that youre ignoring me apparently. Again

Charlie: wow. This really fucking sucks Adam...

He got texts from Guy too. 

Official Moreau/Gaffney Fan Club: 

Guy: bro you really freaked out there are you ok?

Guy: im kinda pissed with you but im not going to tell people or whatever. Obviously.

....

Guy: you need to talk to charlie. Or me. Or fucking someone Banks this shit is not ok bro. Youre being a real dick.

He considers calling Julie up and having a good cry about it, but he knows she won't really understand why he left. He doesn't even understand it. Deep down he thinks maybe Charlie really cares, and that this thing they are doing might be something solid and good, but it doesn't stop the waves of anxiety from choking him.

It doesn't stop the nightmares he's having either. 

In them, he and Charlie are back in their beds at Eden, facing each other across their shared room with the streetlamp glow streaming in through the blinds of the large window. Charlie is talking about his relationship with Adam as if he's just another one of those girls, as if it's not actually Adam he's talking to.

"The sex is really good" Charlie says in the dream, "but he's kinda boring and honestly just really really clingy. Obviously I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to stop having sex either, but it's getting old, ya know?" 

And in the dream Adam is crying, but he says "yea, you should just end it" anyway, because it's what Charlie needs to hear, and he wakes up with tears still on his face. 

Official Moreau/Gaffney Fan Club:

Guy: look im not Charlie so i dont actually care about hurting your little feelings if i need to. Youre gonna talk to me one way or another today Adam. Id prefer it not be on the ice but its your call.

 

Adam is not looking forward to playing the Wild tonight. It's not as if he's afraid of Guy, he doesn't actually feel like he's afraid of anyone, but he knows it's not going to be pleasant. He and Guy have never had any sort of disagreement before since it was usually Guy trying to cool things off when Adam and Charlie got into it back in school, so he doesn't really know what to expect from being on his bad side. He also can't bring himself to care all that much because, as much as it sucks, and as much as it hurts, Guy doesn't know how he feels, or how long he's been hurting over Charlie. But he takes Charlie's side anyway, just like Adam always figured he would. It's why he hadn't wanted their friends to know about them in first place. He's already losing the people he cares about. The people he needs to hold him together while he's falling apart now that he doesn't have Charlie. 

Guy waits for him at the blue line near the benches during warmups, taping his stick impatiently against the ice, making it clear with his glare that he's not leaving until Adam acknowledges him. 

"The rink is mic'd up" Adam says pointing to one of the mics near the glass as he skates to a stop in front of him. 

He really hopes Guy understands that they can't talk here. He hopes he let's it go and doesn't risk outing Adam to the media teams in charge of airing this game on live TV. 

Guy nods, but rolls his eyes. "You could have had a fucking conversation about it last night." 

"It's really none of your business, Guy." 

"You kinda made it my business when you left for no reason." 

Adam scoffs, because of course Guy doesn't get it. "No reason? You don't even know what's going on. You just picked your side." 

"Oh, grow up, Banks" Guy shouts after him as Adam skates back to his zone to do shooting drills with his team. "There are no sides!"

By the end of the first period the tension between Adam and Guy is apparent, and both teams are feeding off of it. Adam's not even sure which of them started it, but any time they are on the ice together they are shoving each other, pushing the limits of what might be considered a penalty. And maybe the refs are letting more slide because it's their last regular season game, or maybe Guy and Adam are both too smart to make it obvious, but by the end of the second, they are cursing across the ice. 

"Fuck you, Banks" Guy spits out. "You're a fucking coward anyway! Some best friend, eh? Run away like you're so good at..."

"You don't know shit about shit Germaine, so just shut the fuck up!"

Their teammates only half-heartedly pull them apart before a fight breaks out. They skate off of the ice for the final intermission before the third, and Adam really just wants to get through this game, maybe score another goal just to make sting a bit for Guy, and go home. 

Two minutes into the third Adam pushes one past the goalie's pad on a rebound and he gets a little shove from a Wild defenseman for his trouble. Adam shoves back and Guy steps in to drop the gloves, clearly looking for a scrap. And Adam isn't really a fighter, he even gets annoyed when the fights interrupt the actual game sometimes, but he's not backing down from one either, especially not from fucking Guy. Not when he's so hurt already. Not when he's lost control of every other thing in his life off the ice. 

Guy grabs his jersey and yells something Adam doesn't really hear or understand through all the noise and the blood rushing in his ears. He swings but Adam pulls back, landing his own fist to the side of Guy's head as he counters. Guy tries to take him into a headlock, but they both go down onto the ice swinging. Adam gets hit in the mouth at some point, and he can taste blood, but he's sure he got Guy again too, so he doesn't really care. 

They are hauled apart bodily by the refs and some of their linemates with various pats on the back and yelling from the crowd for a good show, and Adam and Guy skate off to their boxes, still yelling at each other even though they can't hear anything. Their coaches try to keep them off ice together the rest of the game, and the Rangers win it 3-1.

Duck Duck Juice: 

Adam: You can call off your fucking guard dog!

Charlie: i don't ask people to fight my battles. You know that. I told him to drop it

Charlie: he's pissed because you stormed out on him too last night

Adam: Well both of you can fuck off then. 

Charlie: you don't mean that Adam. You're still riled up from the game

Charlie is right. He's absolutely right, but Adam doesn't want to admit that right now. He's still angry and hurt and really just not in the fucking mood to try and word things pretty. So it's extra annoying when he leaves the tunnel and Guy is there, sitting on the steps, clearly having waited a long time. Adam tries to walk by and ignore him, but Guy picks up his pace and matches his step, following him out of the building into the parkinglot in tense silence. 

"No mics out here" Guys says once they are at the car. "Talk to me, man..."

Adam throws his bag in his trunk and slams it closed, then moves to the driver side. Guy sighs and opens the passenger door to climb in, clearly ready to stage a sit in if it comes to that. "Don't make me kick your ass a second time, Banksie" he says. 

Adam scoffs. "When did you kick my ass the first time?" 

Guy grins and moves to poke Adams split lip, but Adam shoves his hand away roughly.

"What the fuck, Guy? Get out." 

"No. Three fucking years, Adam. It's been almost three years that Charlie has been pining for you. When I said not to hurt him, to stop making jokes, this is not what I meant, bro."

Adam actually laughs at that, but it sounds garbled around the lump forming in his throat. "Yea, well... three years is the joke because it's been fucking ten for me. Ten long, painful years, Guy. So you don't get to make me feel like shit right now. You don't know what it's been like watching him fall for everyone else, then only want me when I'm fucking gone. When I'm finally starting to do ok."

"T-ten...?" Guy says, shocked. "Ten years, really?" 

Adam nods, blinking back tears as they sit there side by side in his car, staring out at the emptying arena through the glass. 

"He didn't know though" Guy says into the long stretch of silence. "You could have told him, and he would have been good about it. Maybe he wouldn't have realized he's into dudes back then- I don't actually know how that works with figuring all that out- but he would have been understanding. You know that Adam. You have to know that..."

Adam nods slowly, still staring out of the window. 

"Yea. He'd have been fine. He'd have kept his distance, and roomed with someone else at Eden, and basically not have been my best friend in order to spare my feelings." He turns to Guy with a sad little smile. "Sounds like a lose-lose situation to me though, and I really wanted to keep my best friend. I kept hoping I would get over him, but I just... I never did." 

Guy gets out and walks around to Adam's side, throwing open the door to pull Adam out and into a rough hug. And it takes Adam a second to reciprocate, but when he does, he falls apart, sobbing into his friends shoulder, hanging on for dear life. 

"Sorry I punched you" Guy says after a bit, arms still wrapped around Adam. 

"It's cool. I punched you twice, so..." 

And Guy laughs, which makes Adam laugh, and when they pull apart Adam can see that his eyes are a little red and puffy too. 

"I need a fucking drink, eh?" Guys says, clapping Adam's shoulder in a very brotherly way before heading back to the passenger side. "Plus my bus left me here, so, I also need a ride to my hotel." 

"Drinks are on you, then?" 

Guy laughs as he puts his seatbelt on. "As long as you take me somewhere swanky."

They order drinks at a bar close to Guy's hotel, laughing at the way everyone is freaking out in the chat. Guy takes a picture of the two of them holding their drinks up in cheers, Adam with his busted lip, and Guy with some definite bruising forming under his eye, sending it to the group.  

Quack Attack: 

Guy: [photo]

Guy: there now everyone can calm the fuck down we're fine 

Portman: my bros! 

Julie: wft?!

Beautiful: Guy is less fine than me. I just want to make that known. 

Guy: you hit me twice but i did more damage 

Beautiful: we'll see what you look like in the morning...

Guy: you are significantly less beautiful now bro

Beautiful: sure 

Connie: what the actual fuck?!

Kenny: nothing but a healthy scrap between friends I see

Russ: That was so weird...

Averman: That looked pretty serious live tho

Cowboy: its ducks FLY together, not ducks FIGHT together

Beautiful: Oops

Guy: 😂 our bad homie

Julie: that shit is not funny i nearly had a heart attack 

Goldberg: same

Fulton: I was entertained tbh

Guy: yes! Fulton! My dude!

Luis: where is Charlie? He's been MIA in chat all night

Charlie: im not MIA im just tired

Charlie: Glad you two didnt kill each other

Julie: yea! We kinda like having you both around 

Connie: Safely. In the same room. Without fists

Guy: yes ma'am. 

Averman: 😂 got told 

Connie: shut up Averman 

Averman: 🤐🫡

"You need to talk to him" Guy says before getting out at his hotel. "He loves you, you know." 

Adam scoffs a laugh. "Sure he does."

"He does, man. I mean... he's not going to say it to you because, the way I've heard it, you keep pushing him away, and he doesn't even know where you fucking live... but he does love you." 

"How do I know I'm not just like every other person he gets attached to and then leaves?"

"I guess you don't" Guy admits after a beat. "But how do you figure it out if you don't even try, right?"

Guy gets out and Adam drives home to his empty apartment to stare at the texts between him and Charlie. He scrolls back a long way, reading ones from as far back as November, trying to remember if he ever really had Charlie at all. He never felt like he did, but he can't tell from their conversations. Adam starts to wonder if Guy is right, if Charlie loves him, and he hates himself a little for hoping it's true. Because if it is, then he's the one ruining everything now. 

Julie Calling....

(Adam) hello?

(Julie) You want to explain that shit with Guy last night to me?

(Adam) Not really...

(Julie) Adam. 

(Adam) He... he was at Charlie's and I didn't know it when I came over and started to... yea... so... Guy found out about me and Charlie having sex, and that I'm gay, in one of the worst ways possible. 

(Julie) ... wait a god damn second. He found out youre gay and his reaction was to throw punches?! I'm going to murder that asshole!

(Adam) No! That's not- we fought because... because I left. 

So he told her the whole thing, waiting to be yelled at by her in much the same way he had been by Guy on the ice. But she doesn't. 

(Julie) I'm sorry you're dealing with this during the playoffs 

(Adam) It's fine. I mean, the games are honestly a nice distraction. 

(Julie) Yea, I figured. Just...Don't throw yourself so into the game that you forget Charlie is hurting too...

And that's fair, he does do that. Hockey has always been the thing he could turn to when whatever is going on in the real world doesn't make sense or feels too hard. He could leave it all off of the ice if he wanted, and just be present in the rink, the weight of the puck on his stick seeming to ground him. 

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: I talked to Guy last night 

Charlie: he told me you had feelings for me for 10 years. Is that true? 

....

Charlie: well if it is then... im sorry it took me 7 years longer than you to realize how great we are together. I really hope its not too late because I miss you so much Adam. I want us to figure this out and make it work but you have to tell me if im wasting my breath. You have to tell me what you need because ill just keep waiting for you and chasing you until i reach you or until you tell me to stop. 

Charlie: honestly even then idk if i could...

Adam: I don't want you to stop. 

Charlie: then i wont 

Adam: The playoffs. 

Charlie: we can figure it out

Adam: It's alot right now, Charlie. We both need to be focused on the game. 

Charlie: yea ok

Charlie: but im not giving you up Adam. Im not going to stop trying

And it's such a contrast to his nightmares, having Charlie trying so hard to keep him like this. It feels nice even though it also really fucking hurts too. Adam isn't unaware that he's making things worse, but the more time goes by, the harder it seems to be to get the words right. So he goes to practice and tape review with the team, then gets through the rest of the day by reading old messages, and hoping things will get better. Hoping he will wake up tomorrow and wont have dreamed of Charlie leaving him, and that he finds the courage to say whatever it is that will make Charlie love him for real. 

Both teams are busy preparing for round one of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. The media is already pressing the rivalry between the Rangers and the Devils hard, even though they aren't playing each other until the second round, if they both even make it to round two. The Rangers play the Bruins, and the Devils play the Hurricanes, and, heading onto the home ice for the first game, Adam feels ready. 

The Bruins push, but the Rangers push harder, and Adam gets an assist on the only goal of the night, putting them 1-0 in the best of 7 games for round 1.

Duck Duck Juice: 

Charlie: good game tonight

Adam: Thanks. 

Adam: Good luck on yours tomorrow.

Charlie: thanks

Charlie's first two games of the round are in North Carolina, but he wears his purple shirt to the first one and Adam tries not to let his heartbeat runaway with him when the Devils instagram posts a picture of him getting off the bus in his game day suit, looking at the camera like he can see right through it to Adam's soul. Adam doesn't mention it, and Charlie doesn't text him either. It's always been just a little harder for Charlie to keep everything off of the ice, and Adam knows his phone will be off so he can focus. He has a dozen shots on goal during the game, really frustrating the Hurricanes defense, but none make it past the goalie. Still, he played really well and the Devils come out ahead with the win in game 1. 

The Rangers win game 2 at home, and the Devils lose game 2 in Carolina. Adam and Charlie haven't spoken in a few days with the demands of their teams, and all Adam can think about is how Charlie might be spending his time getting over such a hard loss. He wants to text him, wants to call and work it out and beg him not to break his heart, not find solace in some stranger somewhere, but he doesn't. He just calls Julie and cries on the phone, hoping Charlie pushes because he doesn't know how to anymore. 

It's after midnight when Charlie texts him, and Adam is already asleep. 

Duck Duck Juice: 

Charlie: i wore my shirt for the game that we won. Maybe its lucky...

Adam doesn't text back because it's 5am when he sees it, and he's getting ready for morning skate, and packing up everything he'll need for traveling to Boston bright and early the next day. When he gets out of practice he checks the Devils instagram stories. It's a habit by now to look, he just wants to see Charlie again so badly. He's collecting screenshots on his phone, but its definitely not enough. 

Charlie and his team are back in town, and Adam doesn't actually know when the next time they'll be in the city together will be with their schedules so opposite for home and away games. He feels a little frantic with the sudden need to see Charlie, but he can't bring himself to show up at his door either. He wonders if Charlie is going to the club, if he is still trying to get over the loss of game 2 the way he use to before he happened upon Adam at the bar seven months ago.

He just really needs to see him, needs to touch him. So he does the only thing he's sure he can get right, reverting back to sex because it's the only way he knows, without a single doubt, that Charlie wants him. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: [photo] 

It's a photo of the dance floor of the club. He knows Charlie will recognize it immediately. 

Adam: Are you here?

Charlie: of course I'm not

Charlie: why the hell would you send me that? i don't want to know when you're out trolling for dick

And it didn't really occur to Adam when he sent that picture that that's where Charlie's mind would go. It stings, but he sends another text to explain. 

Adam: I'm here for you Charlie. I thought you would be here after losing that game and I wanted you.

Adam: Can you come? 

Charlie: if i come there you better fucking wait for me Adam 

Adam: I am.

He waits for Charlie at the bar in the same spot he was that first night. Charlie isn't really dressed for clubbing when he arrives. He's just wearing jeans and a plain black shirt stretched across his broad chest. Still, he's turning heads, and Adam feels that sickening jealousy rise up in him. Charlie doesn't notice anyone else, though, he just storms over to the bar and pulls Adam into a crashing, possessive kiss. Adam can't help but moan into it as Charlie snakes his hands through his hair to clutch at the nape of his neck. And fuck, it feels like it's been years since they last kissed, years since he's been able to breathe. 

Charlie grabs his hand and pulls him upstairs, stopping at the entrance to the little room in the back corner to give the guard there a handful of money. They are barely in the door before Charlie has him pushed up against the wall, kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt. 

"Fuck, Charlie" Adam groans, pulling Charlie's hips in to grind against his. They are both incredibly hard already, and Adam is dizzy with how good it feels to be back in Charlie's arms. 

Charlie kisses him greedily on the mouth before working his way down his jaw to his neck and chest. He runs his tongue over Adam's nipple, pulling it into his mouth with a sucking sound that can be heard over the loud music while he unzips Adam's pants. Adam's head falls roughly back to hit the wall Charlie still has him pressed against, but he barely feels anything as Charlie moves to his knees to pull his dick out and, without a single second of hesitation, he sucks him down.

Adam's hands instinctively go to Charlie's hair, grabbing onto the waves he's let grow out for the playoffs. Charlie's eyes roll back at the touch, and he takes Adam in deeper, gagging slightly, but not pulling back. 

"F-fucking fu- Charlie..." Adam whines, feeling the release building in him faster than it ever has before. 

He tries to push Charlie back a little, to tell him he's about to come, but Charlie looks up at him with determined a gaze, breathing hard around his cock. He closes his eyes and presses his forehead to Adam's abs, sucking him in with hollowed out cheeks, his hands holding the back of Adam's thighs tight enough to leave marks. 

Adam comes with a low, almost animal groan, hunched over for a second, hands gripping Charlie's shoulders as if his legs might give out. He rests his head back against the wall, catching his breath and coming down from the high while Charlie licks him clean and tucks his dick back into his pants. He pulls Charlie up to him, ready to return the favor with interest, but when he moves to unbutton Charlie's jeans Charlie grabs both of Adam's hands in his and presses them against the wall above his head as he kisses him again, hard. 

"Go home, Adam" Charlie groans, moving to kiss down Adam's neck before whispering in his ear. "Please just... go the fuck home." It's broken and a little hoarse, and Adam really can't tell if it's from emotion or from the way he was just deep throating his dick. 

Charlie kisses him one more time, tearing himself away like it's the hardest thing he's ever done, then leaves Adam there alone in that little room, holding his arms around himself just like he had the first night they met there. And it doesn't feel good, standing there in Charlie's wake. He wants to run after him, but he doesn't. He just buttons his shirt and orders an Uber to take him home. He hasn't had a single drop to drink, but he didn't drive. He hoped he and Charlie would be taking the same car back to Charlie's apartment, but that plan obvious hadn't worked out. 

So he goes home and paces his sterile apartment, not sure what to do. He isn't sure how to have Charlie in any other way at this point. Going to the club seemed like a good way to get them back to some sort of equilibrium, but Charlie apparently doesn't think so. He's suddenly struck by how absolutely shitty it feels to have been left like that after he came, and Adam thinks about all the times he left Charlie, all the time's he could have stayed and prevented Charlie from feeling like this. 

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: You could have let me reciprocate...

Charlie: i don't want to get off with you if i can't be with you. I can't do that anymore

Adam: Then why did you even come?

Charlie: because the idea of you with anyone else makes me physically sick Adam!

Charlie: just dont tell me when you go there. Please. I cant take it

Adam: I was only there for you. I was waiting for you, Charlie.

Charlie: and if i hadn't shown up? Would you be bent over that couch with some strangers dick inside of you right now?

Adam: Of course not!

Charlie: you cant say 'of course not' like im suppose to know what the fuck you're doing when we're apart and you have barely texted me in over a week

Adam: I haven't been with anyone else Charlie. 

Adam: At all. Since the first night after the club. 

Charlie: you never said that

Charlie: you make it seem like its obvious when its not

Adam: Well you never asked either.

Charlie: because i didn't want to know the answer. I volunteered that information and was embarrassingly honest with you. I told you straight up that i only wanted you and you said nothing. What was i suppose to do with that?

Adam: Why would you keep seeing me if you thought I was with other people?

Charlie: because i am so pathetically gone for you Adam! Can't you fucking see that?!

Adam: Yea I've heard that one before at least a dozen times from you Charlie. It doesn't actually mean anything at this point. 

Charlie: what are you even talking about right now?

Adam: Name one relationship you have had that lasted more than 6 months besides Linda.

Adam: Even the ones you said you were in LOVE with didn't last.

Charlie: THIS relationship has been more than 6 months

Adam: This isn't a real relationship.

Charlie: well that sucks to know you think that because it feels pretty fucking real to me

Adam: I didn't mean it like that. 

Charlie: im not sure how else you could have meant it

Adam: You do this, Charlie. You go all in on a person, and then it dies out. I don't want this to be a relationship because then it just fits into your pattern. 

Adam: And I am intimately aware of your dating patterns since I was the person you talked to about all that shit remember? Nevermind that it was killing me or that I never actually had any advice for you. You just never shut the fuck up about all those girls. 

Charlie: i don't even know what to say to that because i didn't know Adam. I didn't know i was hurting you or i obviously wouldn't have talked to you about any of it and you know that

Adam: But you were also my best friend. I wanted to be there for you even when it sucked for me. 

Adam: And it really fucking sucked Charlie.

Charlie: it feels like youre punishing me for getting it wrong before you and thats not fair

Adam: I'm not trying to do that. But I'm not exactly thrilled about being just another person you get wrong either. 

Charlie: youre not Adam

Charlie: being with you is the most right thing ive ever done in my life

Charlie: i don't know what to do to convince you

....

Charlie: please tell me what to do 

Charlie: dont shut me out again 

Adam: I'm not. I just need a break. This is alot Charlie...

Charlie: a break?

Adam: I'm tired and I have an early flight and a really important game tomorrow. So do you. 

Adam: And I just need to think.

Charlie: but a break meaning we can talk about this more, just not right now?

Adam: Yes

Adam: Is that ok?

Charlie: thats absolutely ok Adam

Charlie: goodnight 

Charlie beautiful ❤️

The Rangers lose game 3 against the Bruins, who are clearly feeling it back on their home ice. The Devils win game 3 at home and Charlie gets roped into doing a short instagram live interview before game 4. Adam watches the recording of it after his morning skate in Boston when Julie and Guy both text him about it. 

 

"We have rookie star Charlie Conway here to answer the most asked fan questions" a woman Adam doesn't recognize says, sitting next to Charlie in the stands of the empty arena in Jersey. "You ready, Charlie?"

He gives a thumbs up and wink to the camera, making her laugh. Adam feels himself smile against his will. 

"Ok question one: how are you feeling so far in the series?" 

"Feeling pretty good" he says easily. "Being 2-1 and playing at home for the best fans in the league another night tonight, so, yea, feeling really good about it."

"Nervous at all?" She adds.

"Yea. I mean, of course I am. The Canes are pushing hard and we all really want it, so yea, there are some nerves there. Mostly I'm just ready to get back on the ice." 

"Next question: What is your go-to comfort food or snack?"

"Oh this one is easy" Charlie says, leaning back comfortably in the stands to cross his ankle over his knee. Adam already knows the answer, but he keeps watching anyway. 

"My friend Jesse's dad use to make these cheese rollups after school when we were kids. It's just shredded cheese rolled into a tortilla, then you pop it in the microwave for a bit to melt the cheese" he smiles and nods, patting his stomach a little. "Delicious."

"Sounds like it." She smiles wide and flips a note card. "Alright next question: Are you currently dating anyone?" 

"That's one of the most asked questions, really?" He laughs. 

"Of course it is" she smiles. "Cute rookies get the hard ones." 

Adam's stomach lurches a little at that. He's not sure if she's just being friendly, playing it up for the camera, or if she's actually flirting with Charlie on a livestream for social media. Either way, he doesn't like it. 

"Ummm" he laughs a little nervously, scrunching his nose just a bit. "No? But I am pretty far gone for someone, so I'm not really looking for dinner invites, if that's what you mean..." 

"But not in a relationship?"

He laughs again, and even through the video Adam can see that it's a little sad, even if this clueless woman can't. 

"No. We, uh, we've known each other for a really long time so unfortunately there is some history there that kinda sucks. I'm hoping we can get past it, but we'll see. I don't really have control of the puck on this one, though." 

She nods along thoughtfully, then flips to another card. "Ok! Next question: Favorite athlete outside of hockey?" 

"Oh that's a good one! My friend Jules really got me into tennis a few summers ago, and I've been following-"

Adam closes the video and opens his text chat with Charlie, trying not to overthink it too much before he sends something, anything. 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: Nice interview on insta. 

Charlie: thanks

Adam: Is it unfair of me to say that I'm really glad you're not looking for dinner invites?

Charlie: Adam you can say anything you want to say to me as long as we keep talking, ok?

And Adam can't think of anything to say to that. He's so overwhelmed by everything that Charlie is, and everything he feels, that it makes him a little shakey. So he just texts back-

Adam: Ok

-and hopes that Charlie really means it as much as he says he does. 

They both lose game 4. It's not from lack of effort, though, the other teams are just really battling for it. Adam gets several shots on goal and an assist, and Charlie gets the only goal for his team, but it's not enough. Charlie heads back to North Carolina for game 5, and Adam heads home to New York. 

 Jules in the Bank:

J: did you see this? [link]

Adam clicks the link and the article headline hits him like a truck. 'Wild GM 'Very Interested' in Bringing Charlie Conway Home to Minnesota. Is an Offer Sheet in Conways Future?'

The article goes over Charlies contract in detail, listing the reasons Minnesota would benefit from his skills and playmaking abilities, and reviewing the pros and cons for the Devils organization if they decide to match the possible offer to keep him. Adam feels like he can't really breathe as he reads through it again and again before searching the web for more of the same information. 

And he wants to ask Charlie about it, to see if he's heard anything from his agent thats more concrete than the rumors circulating online, but he doesn't want to seem clingy. He doesn't want Charlie to get sick of him, or feel like he is pressuring him, especially during the playoffs. So he texts Guy instead. 

Official Moreau/Gaffney Fan Club:

Banks: have you heard about the offer sheet for Charlie from the Wild?

Guy: yea its all over the internet 

Banks: Is it legit? Do they want him?

Guy: i think so yea. I got pulled in for questions about him by the heads so prob

Banks: Thanks 

Guy: you guys talking?

Banks: Kinda, yea. 

Guy: if he comes here at least it's home. Could be worse... 

Banks: Yea 

But it doesn't make Adam feel any better. He's gotten use to having Charlie's apartment 28 minutes away from his, and he's not ready to give that up. Last time Charlie was living in Minnesota while Adam was in New York they barely talked for two years. He can feel himself panicking again, so he does the only thing he knows how to do, and he takes it out on the ice. The Rangers win at home for game 5 in a shutout, 3-0, with Adam scoring 2 of the 3 goals. If they win one more game, they move on to the second round. 

Charlie and the Devils lose again in Carolina. Charlie is playing probably the best he's ever played, but their team is outmatched, and Adam worries that even if they make it through round one, his own team is going to knock them out in round two. He isn't excited about the idea of pushing Charlie out of the running for the cup, and he gets asked about it on camera as he's headed to load up to travel back to Boston for game 6. 

"How are you feeling about possibly having to play life-long friend Conway of the New Jersey Devils in the next round?" A man asks quickly as they both walk toward the gate. 

"I'm just focusing on getting past this round right now" Adam replies evasively. 

"Right, but what if?" He presses. 

Adam sighs, trying not to roll his eyes on camera as he adjusts his bag on his shoulder over his suit. 

"We're both competitive. Always have been. If our teams faceoff, it'll be a good battle." 

"And the trade rumors? About him going to the Wild... do you talk about it?" 

"No." He answers honestly. "We're both focused on our game, not worrying about rumors." 

He walks off, annoyed, and getting a little side eye from a few teammates. He doesn't care. He's so sick of the media anyway, and the cameras always being shoved in his face. He just wants to play hockey, not co-host an impromptu talk show at the fucking airport. 

He hasn't actually talked to Charlie in a few days, not since those texts after his instagram live before game 5. Charlie has sent him a few texts reminding him that he's beautiful, asking him how he's doing, but Adam can't deal right now. Not with the game and the possibility of Charlie leaving and the stupid fucking nightmares that keep him up. He considers sending Charlie a good luck text before his game, knowing if they lose they fall out of the running, but decides against it because the idea of even looking at their text chain makes him anxious, and he wants to focus on this game. If the Rangers win, they advance to the next round without forcing a game 7. Plus, he reasons, Charlie probably has his phone off anyway. 

The Rangers win it in overtime 5-4. 

The locker room is hyped up from the win, and Adam feels lighter than he has in weeks. They are going to the second round, and he lets himself imagine for a moment what it might be like to lift the Stanley Cup if they make it to the Final. 

"Hey, Banksie" someone calls from the other side of the room, nodding to the TV in the corner. "Isn't that your friend, Conway?"

And it's like an out of body experience sitting there watching a playback of Charlie leaning in to flip the puck over the Hurricane goalie's left shoulder, straight into the net, getting absolutely smashed into the goal post in order to make the shot. The clip plays again in slow motion, and some guy is going over all of the things Charlie could have done to prevent the hit, but Adam knows, and he can see it in Charlie's face that he knows too, that it was either take the shot or avoid the hit, and Charlie chose the goal to tie the game with only 6 seconds left on the clock. Adam can't stop watching the TV, and someone turns it up a little so he can hear while the rest of the team celebrates around him. 

Charlie doesn't get up right away, and when he does it's only with help from a medic. He doesn't make it back out onto the ice for overtime, and even with his game tying goal the Devils lose it. It was hard fought, but ultimately his sacrifice was for nothing. The Hurricanes will advance to play the Rangers in round 2.

Quack Attack:

Connie: omg 

Kenny: he skated off so thats a good sign right?

Russ: No word from him? 

Guy: no and nothing online about the injury yet either

Julie: fuck this sucks i want to hurt someone 

Portman: yea smashing sounds good

Averman: same tbh

Beautiful: Guy didn't that winger Dunell use to play for the Wild your rookie year? Can you see if he knows anything?

Guy: yea good idea Banksie ill check

Cowboy: he could have moved. He clearly saw that hit coming....

Portman: He'd have missed the shot

Goldberg: Spaz literally sacrifices his body to tie it and the fucking team can't even make it through OT? What a joke... 

Averman: he deserved better than that

Connie: me and Guy are going to see Casey

Fulton: smart Con

Luis: It's just freaking me out that the game has been over for half an hour and Charlie isn't answering these texts

Beautiful: He keeps the phone off in the locker room, remember? 

Fulton: yea and the medics and stuff will have him. 

Guy: ok Dunell says he was taken to the ER. Looks like cracked ribs but that's all they know now.

Connie: ribs? As in more than one?

Guy: yea

Connie: omg 

Russ: He skated off. Let's all remember that. 

Kenny: yea wouldn't be able to do that with a punctured lung or whatever

Julie: i can't believe this is happening...

And Adam feels like he's sleepwalking as he moves through packing up his things and smiling for the cameras outside of the locker room. He takes the team bus back to the hotel in silence, hoping to hear something more on the way, but there is nothing apart from the anxiety fueled stream of speculation from their friends. He watches Charlie's entire game when he gets to his room, waiting, unable to even consider sleeping even though it's now after 2 in the morning. 

Quack Attack:

Charlie: im fine 

Charlie: don't murder anyone Jules. It was a clean hit and i leaned in for that shot. 

Guy: bro

Guy: you scared us you asshole

Julie: omg Charlie 

Kenny: slick goal tho

Charlie: thanks ken 

Charlie: too bad it didn't matter in the end 

Averman: idk man that definitely increased your value for when you get that offer to MN

Luis: So thats happening?

Connie: you all know better than to listen to those rumors until a paper is signed

Russ: Glad youre alive Charlie. Now I can finally fucking sleep man... 

Charlie: that makes one of us. This hospital bed is lumpy as hell. I dont recommend it

Russ: lol noted. 

Julie: can you leave the hospital soon?

Charlie: yea if everything still looks good in the morning 

Averman: so what's the actual diagnosis doc?

Charlie: 2 broken ribs on the left side. Clean but fucking hurts like a bitch if im honest. These pain meds are weak sauce 

Connie: coming to MN to heal?

Goldberg: im so pissed at the Devils for losing that game 

Charlie: they played hard Goldie go easy

Charlie: ill be home after the docs in NJ have a good poke around im sure

Charlie: just got some more meds and am gonna try and sleep

Guy: alright everyone shut the fuck up and let the man rest 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: congrats on the win 

Adam: You scared me, Charlie. 

Adam: I've never been so afraid in my life. 

Charlie: im sorry 

Charlie: I miss you Adam

Adam: Try to get some sleep, ok?

Charlie: yea ok

Adam replays the hit over and over, reads more about about the possibility of Charlie signing with Minnesota, and doesn't sleep a single wink. When his alarm goes off at 7 the next morning he gets showered and dressed, and heads out to catch the plane back to New York. Back in the city it's a long day full of media and medical stuff more than any actual skating, and the lack of sleep after the game the night before has Adam feeling dead on his feet. Still, when he gets back to his apartment he can't seem to rest. So he just showers again and paces around, thinking, worrying. 

Quack Attack:

Charlie: [photo] back in my apartment finally!

Charlie sent the picture around 5pm. It was just him in his bed back in Jersey giving a thumbs up, hair all messy with that ratty old white T-shirt he had on when Adam showed up at his apartment the second night so many months ago. 

Charlie: the team set me up good with snacks and stuff, but I could use some netflix recs now that the season over and im bed bound for a while

The chat blows up with back and forth about which shows are actually worth watching, and which ones aren't. Which ones Charlie will actually like, and which ones he won't. Connie promises that her and Guy will visit if the doctors don't want him traveling for a while, and Fulton offers to get the basement room at Charlie's mom's ready if he needs anything special for when he does come home. And Adam says nothing because he feels like he can't breathe. Charlie is so close and he just needs to see him, needs to touch him and be sure he's really ok with his own eyes. 

So he grabs his keys and drives as carefully as his tired eyes will allow across the Hudson to Charlie's place. 

It takes Charlie much longer than usual to answer his knocking, and just as Adam is about to give in and leave he hears a voice call out to "hang on a sec" with a few garbled curses following it. He feels guilty for making Charlie get up in his current state, but it's quickly washed away when Charlie opens the door and Adam sees him standing there, wide eyes, mouth open a little in shock. 

"Adam" he says. His voice is barely more than a whisper, like he can't really believe it. Like he's afraid to speak it out loud for fear it might not be real, or that Adam might disappear. 

And Adam only realizes he's crying when his vision blurs, and he has to blink a few times to be able to see Charlie clearly. He's suddenly struck with the very powerful realization that he's not just in love with Charlie, but that Charlie is the most important thing in his entire life. More than hockey, more than anything. It's fucking terrifying. 

"Hi" he says, his voice cracking. 

"Hi" Charlie says back. 

They stand there in his doorway for a moment, staring at each other. And Adam is so tired, but he's ready to stand there all night if he can just be there with Charlie. If that's what it takes. 

Charlie moves in slowly, and Adam can't help but lean in too. He wraps his arms around Charlie's shoulders carefully, not wanting to hurt him even though his body is screaming at him to hold on tight and never, ever, let go. Charlie wraps his arms loosely around Adams waist, and they stand there for a long moment, only breaking apart when the elevator down the hall dings as someone goes to leave the building. 

Charlie lets him in and they stand there just inside the door in the same spot they were in when Adam saw Guy two weeks before and freaked out. He feels the sudden urge to do things differently this time, so he takes Charlie's face in his hands and kisses him as gently as all the longing will allow him to. Charlie kisses back, a small sob escaping him as he leans in to wrap his arms back around Adam's waist. 

They are both crying openly and Charlie is definitely in at least a little pain. It's not exactly what Adam would consider romantic by cinematic standards, but he's never felt more overwhelmingly loved and in love in his life than he does in this moment. 

"You're here" Charlie breathes when they pull apart, foreheads pressed together, still clinging to each other. He says it like he still can't believe it, and Adam kisses him again because he can't think of anything to say to make it better. 

His heart is racing uncomfortably hard, and he feels like this moment might be the most important one of his life, but he's so scared. He takes Charlie's hand in his and and puts it flat against his chest with a shuttering breath, still close enough that their noses touch, and he can feel Charlie's breath against his cheek. 

"My head is... such a mess" Adam chokes out, "but my h-heart..." he squeezes his eyes shut as another sob rips through him. 

And he really hopes that Charlie understands. He hopes that it's enough right now that he's here and that he's trying, because at this point he's not even sure the words he needs to say even exist, or that he has the strength to find them if they do. It's so much. It's everything. 

Charlie gasps, hand still resting against Adam's heart as he closes the two inches between them with a crashing kiss that seems to go on and on 

"Can I stay?" Adam asks when they finally break apart. "I don't have anywhere to be in the morning."

"You... you really want to?" 

Adam nods. 

"I can't... I can't do anything..." Charlie's hands instinctively go to his ribs, and Adam only just notices the thick black band showing through the white shirt. 

"I know" Adam says, brushing his hand lightly over the spot Charlie was touching. "I just want to be near you." 

So they lay in Charlie's bed side by side with Charlie propped up on several pillows. They can't really cuddle with Charlie's broken ribs, but they hold hands between them, and Adam turns to his side to wrap his ankle around Charlie's. 

"I'm scared to fall asleep" Charlie confesses into the darkness. "I don't want you to leave." 

Adam squeezes Charlie's hand, his chest tight. 

"I'll stay. I promise." 

 

Notes:

🙃

Chapter 7: If I Had You To Myself I'd Be Happy (where I am)

Summary:

Fluff, plot, sex.

(Charlie's first four weeks of healing)

Notes:

(Title is from the song Stranger Still by Blossoms)

This is a long one mostly because I wanted all of it to be from Charlie's POV before the last chapter in Adam's POV. There are a lot of little moments in this one I couldn't bring myself to cut. I hope you enjoy it.

Charlie wakes up with a groan, the sharp pain in his side making him panic for a half second before he remembers, oh, right, I'm broken.

Then he remembers last night. Adam coming to see him, Adam putting Charlie's hand against his wildly beating heart. Adam promising to stay. He reaches out an arm in the semi-darkness of the beginning sunrise coming through the window, feeling around for where Adam had been laying the night before.

But he is not there. Charlie sits up slowly and looks around, feeling himself fall apart a little already that Adam left him again. He had promised, but he was gone.

He rolls slowly, painfully, toward his bedside table for his phone, checking the time (5:48am) and to see if he has any messages from Adam explaining why he's gone (he doesn't) before gathering his strength to stand up and get water so he can take his medicine. There really isn't any reason for him to be up this early, but the pain was keeping him awake, so he wipes away the sudden tears gathering in his eyes when he looks over at the place Adam had been in his bed, and shuffles with his meds down the hall.

He only makes it a few steps into the kitchen before he spots Adam sprawled out on the couch, the thick blankets from his guest bed hanging mostly on the floor, a corner still drapped across his midsection. He drops the pill bottle on the floor from shock, cursing loudly when he instinctively bends to pick it up, and the movement sends a shooting pain to his ribs that knocks his breath away. Adam jerks awake and is at Charlie's side within seconds, helping him to the couch with his arms around him protectively.

"You stayed" Charlie says simply, still trying to breathe through the pain as Adam fills up a glass of water and hands him his meds.

"I said I would."

Charlie swallows the meds with a grimace and sets the glass down on the coffee table. He never could get use to taking pills, but his pride as a grown ass, 6'2, professional hockey player wouldn't allow him to ask the doctor for a liquid prescription while so many people from the team were in the hospital room with him the day before.

"I woke up and you were gone... so I thought...well, you normally leave... "

Adam has the decency to look ashamed at that, and Charlie really wishes he didn't automatically think good, you should feel bad, but he does.

"You kept trying to roll over into me in your sleep" Adam says, taking Charlie's hand and very purposefully lacing their fingers together. "It was clearly painful for you, but as long as I stayed you kept trying to... to cuddle."

Charlie feels himself blush a little. And it's silly, really, considering everything they have done together, everything they have said and how many times they have held each other in that bed, but it feels different now somehow.

"Sorry" Charlie half-laughs, clutching his side.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm the one-"

Adam's phone vibrates suddenly on the table, and a light chiming noise rings out. Across the screen the alarm clock reads 'Snuggle Charlie: 6:00am', and Charlie can't help but grin at the way Adam snatches the phone up with his free hand to dismiss the alert, his cheeks red.

"Yea, so" Adam says, clearing his throat a little and setting his phone back down. "I was going to come back in there so I was by you when you woke up. But, I guess in the 3 years since we lived together you became a morning person?" He laughs a little nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'm definitely not" Charlie smiles, trying not to laugh, actually, because it's fucking painful. "But I couldn't sleep. I'm... this hurts."

"Can I do anything?"

Charlie shakes his head, then kicks at the thick blanket on his floor. "You could have slept in the guest bed you know. It's pretty comfortable."

"I wanted to be able to hear if you woke up."

Charlie's heart swells a little at that. Adam says it so simply and matter-of-fact. He stayed. He cared. Charlie is so happy and in love and-

But before he can even finish that thought, another one enters his mind, and the smile slides off of his face. He takes his hand back from Adam's and stands up slowly, walking the empty glass he used to take his medicine to the kitchen sink.

"I can't get hurt every time I want you to talk to me, Adam" he says while he walks.

Adam groans, a weak and wounded thing as he stands to follow. Charlie thinks again good, you should feel bad, then internally scolds himself for being so cruel.

"Charlie... I..." Adam starts, clearly not sure what to say.

Charlie doesn't really expect him to finish, doesn't expect him to find the words, but he turns to face Adam anyway, leaning his hip slightly against the sink as he waits.

"It's been ten years..." Adam says finally, like it's suppose to be enough. Like it's all the explanation Charlie could need. And he must be able to read the confusion on Charlie's face, because he shakes his head and starts over, reaching out for his hands to hold between them like a lifeline.

"You are... the best thing that has ever happened to me, Charlie." The words take effort, and Adam has to clear his throat of the emotion rising up. Charlie squeezes his fingers encouragingly.

"Do you know how...how scary that is? That the best thing to ever happen to me is a person that can just... that can choose someone else?" He sniffs and blinks back tears, and Charlie closes the distance to nuzzle his face into Adam's neck.

"You... you chose so many other people before me" he continues with a broken whisper, their hands still clasped between them. "It's not even your fault, and... I know it's not fair, but I don't know how to get over that. And I really really want to get over it. I'm trying..."

Charlie doesn't know what to say to make it better, because he can't go back and change the past. He can't magically make his younger self open his eyes and see Adam the way he does now, the way he has for the last three years.

"I keep having this dream" Adam continues, "that... that were back at Eden Hall, and you're telling me about the person you're dating like... like you want to break up with them, but... it's me you're talking about, and I just... can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to think about it, but I can't-"

Adam cuts himself off with a shuttering half-sob, half-sigh, surprising himself with it a little. Charlie's stomach lurches uncomfortably.

"Adam..." he whispers, still unsure of what to say. Adam melts into him a little more at the sound of his name, and when Charlie blinks, tears land on Adam's shoulder.

And he's already so sick of crying. He wants to be able to kiss Adam without tears on either of their faces, but this feels important. He really hopes that they can get past it, because it isn't something they can control now, and he's not sure how they can move forward with all this history in the way.

Charlie pulls back quietly with a whispered "I'll be right back", then heads to his room to get his phone. He has an idea, and maybe it's a little silly, a little cheesy even, but he doesn't know what else to do. Adam hasn't been this vulnerable in a long time, and Charlie has to try. He will try anything.

So he dials Adam's number as he walks back down the hall toward the kitchen.

"Don't answer it" he says to Adam when he pulls his phone out of his pocket. He gives Charlie a confused look but sets it down on the counter anyway, letting it vibrate for a while before-

Hey this is Adam. Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

Charlie takes a deep breath, as deep as he can with the shooting pain in his side. Adam is watching him, and Charlie meets his eyes steadily as he begins to speak.

"Hey, It's Charlie. It's... it's been a long time since I told you about the person I'm with, but you're my best friend and I've always told you- even when you didn't want to know, apparently- so... yea... um, his name is Adam and he's... he's the most beautiful person I've ever known. And not just physically, but, like, every single thing about him is beautiful. And his laugh is my favorite sound in the whole world. God... I've done some really stupid shit in my life, and gotten so many detentions, just trying to hear that laugh."

Adam is still looking at him across the small kitchen, and Charlie really hopes he's crying because of something good. When he lets out a laugh at the detentions part, Charlie's heart skips a beat, and he keeps going, encouraged.

"And I know it seems like I've been here before, but this is so much deeper than anything I've ever felt. But I think he's scared because I got it wrong alot before him, and I don't know what to do to make it better. I could really use some advice from my best fri-"

There was a beep at the time limit, and Charlie sent the message out as it was before putting his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants. He walks over to Adam and leans gently in for a small kiss.

"That guy doesn't deserve you" Adam says.

"He deserves the whole world, actually."

Adam shakes his head in reply, but leans into another light kiss anyway.

"You do, Adam" Charlie insists, cupping Adam's face with his hands. "And I really wish you would let me try and give it to you."

Adam sighs, and Charlie feels like some of the anxiety is falling away from them both when he smiles a little and whispers back, cheekily "you can try".

 

They spend the day lazing around Charlie's apartment, sleeping on and off. Charlie's meds and the constant dull ache in his side make him tired, and Adam's still exhausted from having been up for well over 24 hours, and from playing heavy minutes in that tense game 6, so neither of them is in a rush to do much else. They order breakfast delivery from the diner a few miles out, and Adam chokes down one of Charlie's lemon protein shakes before lunch to keep his calories up. They make some of the chicken and broccoli Charlie has in the fridge for them to have an actual lunch, and eat together on the couch while they watch highlights of the other playoff games from around the league on the large TV.

Adam will have team skates starting again in the morning, and Charlie really doesn't want to think about being alone in his empty apartment again after so much time together. He starts to worry that maybe it's too much time together, and that it's just going to hurt worse if this falls apart now. He forces those thoughts out of his mind when he looks over at Adam on the couch, frowning a little in concentration as he watches the Leafs take a goal. Ten years, he thinks. God... he really can't fucking imagine that. Charlie doesn't actually think there is anything about him worth waiting that long for, and he feels a little overwhelmed with the desire to be whatever it is Adam sees when he looks at him.

They are about halfway through the third period of a recorded Avalanche win when Adam gets a notification on his phone. He checks it, then looks up at Charlie, thinking.

"So I, um, I ordered something last night that just got delivered to my place" he says, slipping his phone back in his pocket, then rubbing his palms nervously on his jeans. "It's this big, like, wrap-around pillow thing that's suppose to prevent you from rolling around in your sleep. I think it's technically for pregnancy-" he laughs a little, "-but the reviews say it's good for injuries too."

Charlie can't help but grin. "You bought me a maternity pillow?"

"Shut up" Adam laughs, moving his hand to give Charlie a playful shove, then stopping himself at the last second and smacking him lightly on the knee instead.

"It's- I can go get it..." he continues,  "or you can... stay at my apartment?"

"Do you really want me there?"

Charlie can't help but ask. It's kind of a big deal, and he doesn't want to push Adam right now, not when the day has been so good, but he really wants to go. More than that, he wants Adam to want him there.

"I really do, Charlie. I don't know how much I'll be able to come out here in the next week with practices and the first games, but I really just want to be close to you when I'm not at the rink. And hopefully the pillow will help enough that we can sleep in the same bed."

"I'll probably snore" Charlie says, still grinning.

Adam smiles back. "I delt with it for 6 years. I think I'll be ok."

 

Adam's apartment is nothing like Charlie's. Walking into it feels a little bit like walking into a hotel. It's nice- it's actually really fucking nice- but sort of clinical and impersonal. There are very few things Charlie can see that prove Adam even lives here.

There's a bookshelf that doubles as an end table next to the couch, full of what Charlie can see are hockey themed books and memoirs, and the magnetic dry erase calendar on the fridge Adam has had since they'd bought that mini fridge for their dorm back in college. Even with all of Adams slanted writing on the board Charlie's eyes find the little smiley face he'd drawn in the corner in orange sharpie right after Adam had got it. There is also a throw blanket folded up at the end of the couch that Charlie recognizes as the same one that use to be folded at the end of Adams bed all 6 years they roomed together, but apart from that, this place could be a weekend rental and Charlie would believe it.

The whole place smells like Adam though, and Charlie loves that smell.

He's seen some parts of the one bedroom from the times Adam video called while Charlie was on the road, but it isn't at all what he imagined it might look like as a whole. There are a few more Adam-esque things here than the rest of the apartment, but not much. He has a skate rack next to the door full of skates, including a pair Charlie knows full well haven't actually fit Adam since they were Freshmen at Eden. His laptop, pen cup, and blank notepad sit in a perfect triangular pattern on top of the small desk in the corner, and Charlie smiles a little remembering all the times he would walk across their dorm and move one of the items a little just to annoy him, just to get Adam's attention. He uses the same wicker laundry basket from college, and has the charging station on his bedside table that he'd gotten in their team secret santa from Kenny Junior year at Eden.

"I'm going to run down and grab that pillow from the office" Adam says, setting Charlie's bag down and breaking him out of his reminiscing. "You good here for a few?"

Charlie nods and opens his bag. He didn't bring much, just a few clothes, some shower stuff, and his medications. He only lives a short distance away if he needs anything, and he and Adam are near enough the same size that he's sure he could fit into whatever Adam has laying around if he needs more clothes. He didn't want to pack too much, he didn't want to assume he'd be staying for a long time.

He takes his shower stuff to the bathroom and sets it all in a little row next to Adam's, relishing how nice it feels to have their things together like this again after 3 years. Adam brings the frankly gigantic snake-like pillow into the bedroom, and Charlie tries it out while Adam clears out a drawer for his things in the dresser.

"This is all you brought?" Adam asks, holding up the two changes of clothes Charlie had packed.

"Yea, why?"

Adam turns and puts the things away in the empty drawer with a little shrug. And Charlie can tell his mind has gone somewhere else, somewhere not great. He's got his walls up, his mask on.

"When are you thinking you'll go back to Minnesota?" Adam asks lightly.

"I'm not sure. Probably next week if the doctor thinks I'm ok to fly without too much pain."

Adam nods and closes the drawer, but he doesn't turn around right away. Charlie gets the impression he's trying to work up the courage to say something, so he just waits. He wonders if Adam ever thinks about the rumors of him going to the Wild, and if they should talk about it. If maybe that's what Adam was thinking when he mentioned home.

But when Adam turns around he just smiles at Charlie and asks "so, hows the pillow?"

"It's great!" Charlie answers honestly. "I don't want to get up."

Adam laughs, and it's really only clear his smile before had been fake when it suddenly morphs into a genuine one. "Good, you need to rest anyway. I'm going to jump in the shower real quick."

And it isn't suggestive at all, the way Adam says it, but Charlie's breath catches anyway at the sudden image of Adam, naked and wet, covered in suds from that soap that makes him smell so fucking good all the time.

"Oh, me too" Charlie says easily, grinning wide and moving to get up. And he can immediately tell that Adam has a similar image of him in the shower by how he freezes the slightest bit, and how his pupils seem to pulse from across the room.

"I... don't know if that's a good idea" Adam mumbles.

Charlie walks over to him, kissing him lightly on the lips. "I want to try" he says.

He kisses Adam's neck, working up to his jaw. Adam hums into it, tilting his head a little to give Charlie better access. "The doctor said no sexual activity" he reminds Charlie half-heartedly, already breathing hard. "You can barely laugh without flinching. How are you going to handle an orgasm?"

Ok, that's fair. He probably won't be able to handle it, actually. One of his linemates, Dunell, had specifically warned him at the hospital not to try and get off for a while because it apparently hurts like a mother fucker. He'd had a cracked rib back when he played in Minnesota, so Charlie figured he knew what he was talking about.

"Ok" Charlie sighs. "But... I can touch you, right?"

He leans back in to plant more languid kisses along Adams neck as he runs his fingertips along his forearms, smiling to himself a little when Adam's breath shakes. Charlie can feel him giving in, can tell he's trying, but failing, to come up with reasons to say no.

"Ok" Adam groans. "But if you hurt at all we have to stop."

"Deal."

And Charlie really tries to breath evenly, tries not to tense up, but he can't relax enough. Adam is just so fucking hot. He smells so nice, and every breath and moan he lets out echos off of the shower tiles. It all just feels so good, but it also really really hurts. So Adam calls it off and helps Charlie wash his hair when he has a hard time raising his arms comfortably after all the heavy breathing. Charlie gets out first and gives Adam some privacy, but knowing what he's definitely doing in that shower just makes his dick hard all over again while he waits alone in Adam's room.

"It's going to be a long four weeks" he sighs, very pointedly checking Adam out when he comes out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel.

"Four weeks?" Adam asks, eyebrows raised. "Really? That long?"

It catches Charlie off guard how surprised Adam seems by this, and he can't help but wonder if it's too long. If Adam won't want to wait that long for him.

"Yea, uh, the doctor said nothing for 4 weeks, maybe as long as 6, depending on how I'm healing."

Adam nods as he gets dressed. "Seems like a long time..."

"Yea. Is it... maybe it's too long for you?"

Adam freezes for a second halfway through putting a shirt on before he pushes his arm through. "That's not what I meant, Charlie. I was just thinking how much longer it'll be before you can play full contact hockey if sex takes a whole month."

"Ok" Charlie says. "But... is it too long for you? While we're talking about it, I need to know."

He doesn't really know why it's suddenly so important, but it is. Charlie can't put what he needs on hold right now. Not if this is going to be something solid and lasting like he really wants it to be.

"Of course it's not!" Adam actually looks really hurt, and Charlie feels a little bad that they even have to have this conversation, but they do. After all the uncertainty and unsaid bullshit, they really do.

"I need you to say it. I need you to say we're in an actual relationship, Adam. Say that you're only going to be with me, and that you'll wait."

And maybe it's the way Charlie's voice cracks with unshed tears, or the way he's clutching his side from breathing hard, but Adam softens immediately. He moves to sit next to Charlie on the bed, turning a little to face him, taking both of his hands. 

"We're in a relationship" he says seriously, repeating Charlie's words. "I'm obviously going to wait however long it takes for you to heal because I am only going to be with you. I only want to be with you, Charlie." He kisses Charlie's hands each in turn. "Do you feel better?"

"Yea" he answers honestly. "I actually do."

"I feel like I should also point out that I'm only this turned on all the time because of you. I didn't have sex nearly this frequently before we started dating."

And that makes Charlie smile. "So you admit we've been dating this whole time, then?"

"Oh, shut up" Adam laughs, rolling his eyes. "I didn't think so then, but now... now it feels like we probably were, yea."

Charlie's still smiling so wide it feels a little manic, but he doesn't care. He leans in to push his forehead to Adams, looking in his eyes. "Boyfriend" he whispers.

Adam breathes out a little laugh, but whispers it back too, and they kiss for as long as Charlie can before it starts to get painful.

 

Adam wasn't kidding about the dreams. The first night Charlie stays there he wakes up around 3am to Adam crying in his sleep, and it takes a little bit for him to stop, even after Charlie wakes him up. He looks so surprised to see Charlie there in his bed, but then he seems to remember everything from the last days in his sleepy state, and all of the tension drains from him in seconds. They lay there for a long time, as close as they can get around the thick pillow, fingers laced and ankles crossed, just clinging to each other until they fall back asleep.

The fact that Charlie doesn't know how to make it better is killing him. Waking up to Adam crying and hurting like that is more painful than his cracked ribs, and he spends the entire next day thinking about it while Adam is at the rink. It's not your fault, he tells himself over and over. You didn't know. You didn't know. You didn't know. It doesn't make him feel better though because it doesn't make Adam feel better, and all he can think to do is try and get it right this time now that he does know, now that he has Adam.

 

The days are really boring when Adam is at the rink. They spend alot of time when Adam's home dissecting games the Carolina Hurricanes played recently to try and give the Rangers an edge, and Charlie has to remind Adam often that Hayes, the Canes defenseman that hit him into the post that cracked his ribs, had not been trying to hurt him this badly.

"It was a clean hit gone bad, Adam" Charlie says, noticing the glare Adam gives his iPad while they watch some interviews leading up to game 1. "You have to just play the game. Don't make any enemies the first night. Please, Adam. Just... win the game."

It's the playoffs so Charlie knows it's going to be dirty. The hits are going to be hard and intentional, and he worries Adam isn't going to make it through the series in one piece if he fuels a grudge. Hayes had checked in with him online after word got out about his ribs. He didn't apologize, and Charlie didn't expect him too, that's hockey, but it was a nice gesture.

"Ok" Adam says with a tight smile. "I'll try."

Rangers win game one 2-0. Adam gets an assist, and resists the urge to fight despite the obvious glares he's giving Hayes all night. Even the broadcasters notice, making comments about the Ducks loyalty, and how it much be fueling Adam's drive to win even more since his close friend got hurt losing to this team. Charlie just smiles to himself. Close friend, he thinks with an eye roll. Sure, if that's what you call the person you want to be inside of when you come.

Adam has a media day with the team after morning skate the day between games 1 and 2, and Charlie knows how much it sucks to be so bored just standing around, waiting to take a few pictures and answer a few questions, so he texts Adam updates while he's at his checkin with the doctor.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: doc says I can prob travel back to MN whenever im ready

Adam: Oh

Adam: When are you thinking?

Charlie: i want to wait until you leave for your away games i think. That way i can see you a few more days before you're gone for 5 days anyway

Charlie: if thats ok?

Adam: That sounds perfect.

Adam: I'm going to miss you being there when I'm back, but I know your mom and the others want to see you too.

Charlie: im going to miss you so fucking much

Charlie: hows media?

Adam: 😴

Charlie: sounds right 😂

Adam: They pulled my hair back for the pictures. I don't know how I feel about it.

Charlie: pic?

Adam: [photo]

The picture, taken in front of a bathroom mirror, shows Adam's long hair piled on top of his head in a messy bun. His nose is a little scrunched like he's not sure about it, and the blond facial hair he's let grow out during the playoffs is just thick enough now to be noticeable in the photo.

Charlie: omg Adam

Adam: What? Is it bad?

Charlie: you are so fucking hot i swear

Charlie: holy shit

Charlie: this is me rn 🥵

Adam: So it's good then?

Charlie: yea

Charlie: im so horny

Charlie: and it doesn't help that this whole fucking apartment smells like you

Adam: Oh my god 😂

Adam: Hey. Please don't try to get off Charlie.

Charlie: whyyyyy

Charlie: it's been a week and i really want to try

Adam: What if it's making you heal slower and then it takes longer for us to be able to actually have sex again?

Charlie: ... youre making some valid points

Charlie: *sigh* ok fine

Adam: Ok im up for pics now, then it's just waiting for my speaking part in the promo, then I can come home to you!

It feels good how simply and easily Adam puts it like that. Home to you. Charlie knows they can't actually live together, not while they are playing for rival teams. But, still, it feels really good, and Charlie wants to enjoy this feeling for a while.

He paces Adam's apartment for some sort of exercise, feeling better every day that goes by, but still frustrated by how slow bones heal, and by how little control he has over the process. He wants to go outside, to walk around the city block where Adam's building sits like he's been doing the last few days, but it looks like rain. So he tries to find something, anything to do to keep him from going crazy indoors, and to keep him from thinking of Adam with his hair all back like that, in his jersey and tight jeans. He can feel his dick getting hard again, so he paces some more and tries to find a distraction in the sterile apartment.

He runs a finger across the row of book spines lining the half shelf next to Adam's couch, checking to see if there are any here he doesn't have in his own collection that he could read while Adam is out. It's much the same as his, though, which isn't surprising considering they both love the game so much. There are only a few that aren't hockey related, and Charlie figures they were gifts from his parents at some point. One about making financially smart decisions, another about keeping an organized life which looks like it's ever been touched. That second one actually makes Charlie laugh because Adam is the most organized person he knows.

Then, there at the very bottom on the right end is what looks like a textbook that feels so familiar that Charlie deals with the pain to lean down and pull it out.

Pre-Calculus 101.

Their math textbook from Junior year. Specifically, Charlie's math textbook from Junior year. He can't figure out why Adam has it, or why he would have kept it all these years. Charlie had been forced to pay for this book when he couldn't turn it in at the end of the year, costing him 80 bucks of his limited savings from working at the skate shop. He'd assumed he lost it somehow, but apparently not.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: [photo]

Charlie: you owe me 80 bucks

Adam: I offered to pay for it back then!

Charlie: yea but i thought i actually lost it. Didn't realize you stole it lol

Charlie: why did you keep it?

Adam: Did you look inside?

It's a math book, and he'd hated that class, so of course he hadn't thought to look inside. But when he opens it up and thumbs through, the memories wash over him like gentle waves. There, in damn near every margin on every page, are the back and forth notes between Charlie's blocky handwriting, and Adams slanted one. He turns to a random page near the beginning and reads:

If I jump off a bridge later blame Prof. Rhymes

Coach isn't going to accept death as a good enough reason to skip practice later

Damn. You're right.

We can study after if you want

I have plans with Holly or I would :)

Fail then :)

Charlie's heart sinks a little reading the way plans was underlined like that. He can barely remember what Holly looks like now, but at the time it seemed so exciting being with her. She'd actually broken up with him for being too busy, which, in hindsight is funny since he was only really ever busy hanging out with Adam.

He thumbs through the pages some more, letting the book fall easily open to a place near the back where a photograph is stuck tight into the spine between the pages. Charlie's breath hitches when he turns it over and realizes it's one of him and Adam. He's never seen it before, but he recognizes the birthday crowns they have on as the ones they wore to Julies 18th birthday party. In the picture Adam is smiling up at the camera, eyes crinkled a little like he's half-laughing. Charlie isn't looking at the camera though. He's looking at Adam with an expression of absolute adoration. It makes Charlie feel a little embarrassed looking at it, knowing someone took this photo, knowing they saw him looking at Adam that way and never said anything.

These pages of the textbook where the picture had been are covered in notes too, and Charlie lets his eyes roam over them.

You're going to fail this class. Pay attention!

Will you still love me if I'm a math moron?

Yes. Obviously.

Then I don't care. I can fail.

Oh so love is all you need? What a cliche...

Just your love Banksie ;)

Fuck off

No <3

If you love me at all then please pay attention and pass this fucking class so you can play hockey!

Fine. For you.

And Charlie can't help but wonder if the photo was randomly placed in this spot for safe keeping, or if it was intentional. If maybe it was bookmarking this spot for a reason.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: i love the picture in here so much

Adam: Me too.

Charlie: who took it?

Adam: Julie

Charlie: did you keep this book because of our notes?

Adam: Yea.

Adam: And I want to point out that there is no way they would have accepted it in its current condition anyway. You'd have had to pay the fee still...

Charlie: most of its in pencil! I could have erased it!

Adam didn't reply, but he did send Charlie $80 through venmo. In the notes section for the transaction he put: 📖 worth every penny.

 

Rangers win game two against the Hurricanes in overtime, 2-1. Adam has a flight to North Carolina at 9 the next morning, and Charlie has one to Minneapolis later the same day, so they spend the night after the game in Adam's bed, neither ready to go to sleep and end their last night together for a while. Adam takes a picture of them curled up with the big pillow between them, sleepy smiles and bare chests, and sends it a copy Charlie.

"This way we can look at the same one.... if you end up missing me as much as I'll miss you" he says.

"I'm going to miss you so much, Adam."

What Charlie really wants to say is I love you. He's known he's in love with Adam for a long time, really, but he knows the words wont mean as much from him unless Adam says it first. He's said them too many times, to too many people before he even really know what love was. So as hard as it is to keep it in when his mind is screaming it all the time, he doesn't say it. He gives Adam control in this because they both know that if Charlie says it first, Adam will say it back, even if he's not ready. Even if he's not secure enough yet in the stability of what they have. Even if he doesn't really believe what Charlie tells him.

"I can't kiss you with this thing" Adam says sleepily as he tries to move closer without having to sit up, but is blocked by the pillow.

Charlies laughs, something he can do now, a week and half into his healing. "Here" he says kissing his own finger and putting it to Adam's lips with a grin.

Adam just smiles that way he does that Charlie loves so much, like he's a little surprised by how happy he is, then kisses his own finger and puts it to Charlie's lips too. And it feels silly, but it also feels comforting. Like an 'I love you' without the words. An assurance that what they have is more than just kissing and sex and passion and history. It's everything.

When Adam lands in North Carolina he sends Charlie a video of himself kissing his finger and holding it up to the camera. It makes Charlie tear up there in his seat in first class, and he sends a similar one in reply just before his plane takes off. I love you, he whispers out loud to no one as he watches Adams video again and again. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Settling into being back home after so much time at Adam's place is hard. Nothing smells right, and even though he ordered the exact same pillow for his bed at his moms, it doesn't feel as comfortable without Adam's arm slung over the side of it, holding his hand. They have watch parties at Guy's for games 3 and 4 in Carolina. The Rangers lose game 3 and but win game 4. They just need one more win and they'll be going to the conference finals, then, hopefully, to the championship.

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: youre back on home ice! Would feel good to win the round at MSG

Adam: Yea it would. 🤞🤞

Adam: All I can think about right now though is how much I hate my apartment without you in it.

Charlie: so you DO miss me then...

Adam: I tell you I miss you every day 🙄

Charlie: just checking

Adam: I've been having that dream again.

Charlie: Adam...

Charlie: what can I do?

Adam: Nothing really I guess.

Adam: I listened to your voicemail and that made me feel better. Thanks for doing that.

Charlie: ohhh im going to leave another one. Don't answer when I call

Adam: You don't have to Charlie. It's not like it's your fault my brain won't let me be fucking happy.

Charlie: just don't answer it please?

Adam: Ok

Hey this is Adam. Leave a message and I'll get back to you.

"Hey beautiful, it's Charlie. I just wanted to update you on the whole boyfriend thing... and yea, I said boyfriend. Adam Banks is my fucking boyfriend. God, that actually feels so good. Just rolls off the tongue, really. I wanted to say that for such a long time. Anyway... he's kind of crushing it in his career right now, and as you know I'm all broken and stuff, which means we can't spend alot of time together... but I think about him quite literally all day. I never get sick of hearing his voice or talking to him. Even when we're just sitting on the phone in silence it feels so nice. And I miss him a lot right now. So, so much. I'm checking flights to see him every single day, considering if its worth it to travel 6 hours round trip for just a few hours together. If I wasn't injured it wouldn't even be a question. I'd have probably never even left him, actually. I'm so proud of him though, and when I'm-"

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: You're amazing ❤️

Charlie: no, you ❤️

 

The Rangers do not win game 5 at home in Madison Square Garden. It goes all the way to overtime, and the Rangers battle hard, but the Hurricanes ultimately take the win.

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: Hey can you have Ricky let me in your place? There is something there I need.

Charlie: yea sure

Charlie: what is it?

Adam: You'll see.

Charlie: ok... lol

Charlie: i cant decide if thats kinky or ominous

Adam: It's neither you weirdo 😂

Charlie: damn. I was really hoping for kinky

Adam: When you're healed 🙃

Charlie: everything you do and say is making me horny. Literally even that emoji makes me fucking horny Adam

Adam: 😂 Really?!

Charlie: yes because it reminds me of this face you make when you say something sexy as hell but we're like... in public or something so youre just smiling. It's so hot.

Charlie: annnnndd now I'm hard. Lovely.

Adam: Have you tried recently?

Charlie: no

Charlie: ive decided that if im going to risk the pain then its not going to be for my fucking hand

Adam: I want you so bad.

Adam: I know that's not fair to say when you can't do anything, but I really do.

Charlie: as soon as the doctor clears me I'm coming home to fuck you. Like... within the hour I'll prob be on a flight.

Adam: Yes please 🙃

Charlie: omg

Adam: Sorry!

 

Charlie is sitting at the island bar at Guy's, eating chips while Guy restocks the fridge with drinks for the game 6 watch party due to start in a few hours, scrolling through his phone and waiting for the Rangers to drop new pre-game stuff on social media. The team should be arriving at the arena any minute now. When the instagram stories pop up Charlie taps through them until he gets to a slow motion video of Adam getting off the team bus, and his heart skips a beat.

Adam has his hair piled up in a messy bun on top of his head in that way from media day that drove Charlie crazy, and he's wearing a dark purple shirt under his simple black suit that looks so familiar Charlie just knows it's from his own closet.

"What?" Guy asks, seeing Charlie's expression. "What happened?"

He walks around and watches over his shoulder as Charlie lets the video play again. Adam actually winks at the camera at the end, and Charlie shivers a little bit.

"Is that your shirt?" Guy laughs, loud and sudden. "Oh my god, it is! That's that fucking purple shirt!"

He pulls his phone out and walks back around to the front of the island to snap a quick picture of Charlie as he watches the video.

"You're so red right now, bro!" He grins, typing away on his phone. Charlie can't be bothered to care though. He just watches the little video again and again and again, wanting more than anything to pin Adam against the side of that bus and rip that shirt right off of him.

Fellas:

Guy: your boy right now Banksie [photo]

And yea, so, Charlie is blushing pretty hard in the picture as he stares at his phone, but who can really blame him. Adam is really fucking hot.

Adam: Good 🙃

Charlie: seriously....

Guy: people are going to notice about the shirt

Adam: Let them.

Guy: hes blushing again

Adam: No pic this time? You're slacking Germaine.

Guy: he literally hid under the island before i could get one

Adam: Cute.

Charlie: i hate you both

Adam: No you don't.

Guy: nah

 

People absolutely do notice the shirt. The Ducks do, anyway, and they spend alot of the pre-game time at Guy and Connie's talking about it. Charlie tells them he won the games he wore it to, and that he thinks it's lucky, but Guy very unhelpfully points out that Adam isn't superstitious at all, and Charlie has to leave the room from blushing while everyone makes jokes about his old crush on Adam. It's not like he could really tell any of them right now that Adam actually picked that shirt, or that he'd only worn it himself so Adam would know he was thinking of him. Adam isn't out yet, and the last time he was outed he panicked and barely talked to Charlie for 2 weeks.

Game 6 is as hard and fast as the previous 5. It's going to end up being close again, and as the clock winds down the broadcasters start to speculate who will be put on first line for OT.

But then, with less than a minute left in the third period, Adam gets a breakaway up the ice and into the Canes zone. Hayes, the defenseman that had hit Charlie into the post, is on him in seconds, but Adam spins out of the check he aims toward him, and Hayes goes careening into the boards. The broadcasters are screaming their narration as Adam pulls a fake, then aims a slapshot right up the ice, straight into the net. 31 seconds left on the clock and all the Rangers have to do is wear it out.

His linemates celebrate by piling on Adam in an instant, all of them clearly feeling the high of the very likely win, and the idea of going to the conference final. On his way to circle by the bench, Adam takes his glove off, kisses his finger and holds it right up to a camera by the glass for a half second before skating off for glove taps from the rest of the team. It's a really quick thing, maybe less than 3 seconds for the whole gesture, but the camera catches it.

And Adam doesn't usually do any sort of cellys, so this is rare, and the broadcast includes it in the replay of the goal too. Charlie can do nothing but sit there and watch, heart beating wild in his chest, finger to his own lips while the rest of the room is busy jumping around, celebrating the win as Adam gets the puck at the faceoff again, and the clock runs out.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: fucking beautiful

Adam: Did they show it? After my goal?

Charlie: of course they did. You never do cellys

Adam: For you ❤️

Adam: Hayes in the boards and the goal and game 6 and missing you and I just...

Adam: I got the goal and all I could think about is how much I wanted to kiss you.

Charlie: i wish i could be there celebrating with you

Charlie: im so proud of you Adam

Adam: I have post-game media and then drinks with the team but can I call when I get to the hotel? It'll probably be really late. It's ok if you want to sleep.

Charlie: no ill wait up

Charlie: but dont rush. Enjoy this with the boys. You guys earned it

Adam: ❤️

It's a really big deal for Adam that he's playing such heavy minutes in such critical games. There are rumors circulating that he'll be given Alternate Captain for next season, and the focus going into the conference finals is on keeping up his physical health enough that he can play full out 100% if they make it through to the championship. Adam is at the rink, video room, or med spa every single day, trying to sleep enough, trying to eat enough. Charlie misses him, and selfishly he wants Adam to stay up until 2 on the phone with him every night because he's bored and can't sleep because he's not doing anything all day to expend energy, but he doesn't ask because this is important. This is the dream.

The Rangers play the Lightning and win it in 4 games, sweeping the series mainly due to the extensive injuries across Tampas roster. It's really rare to sweep a team from the conference final, and the media is eating it up. Adam is just thankful it gives the team a good break before the best of 7 championship games begin soon, and he and Charlie spend a lot of time over the phone and video call watching and reviewing the games as they happen across the league between the Edmonton Oilers and the Colorado Avalanche. Their conference final is looking like it's going to take all 7 games to decide, but Adam mentally prepares for both teams. He'll be playing one of them in the Stanley Cup championship series in just a few days.

 

"So, it's been 4 weeks and 5 days" the doctor says, popping an X-ray up onto the screen. The images look the same to Charlie as before, the ribs cracked and his spine hunched sideways protectively because of it.

"It looks like you're healing really well, Charlie" the doctor continues, flipping through some papers on the clipboard, not even looking at the X-ray.

"Really? It looks the same to me..." he points to the X-ray.

"What? Oh! No, no" the doctor shakes his head and grabs a remote looking clicker device from the pocket of his white coat. "My apologies, this is one of your old ones. This is one from today."

Charlie hops down from the little paper covered bed and walks to the screen. It really is amazing the difference a few weeks can make, because he can barely tell any damage had been done at all apart from the tiny little shadow-like lines where the break use to be.

"And they'll keep healing from here. I'm still recommending no contact for at least another month of course, but you should be able to skate in another, lets say... two weeks. How does that sound?"

"Sounds amazing!" Charlie smiles, genuinely excited about the idea of lacing up again soon. "But, uh, what about... what about other stuff. Can I, like, do stuff?"

The doctor looks at him for a moment, confused, waiting for him to continue.

"Sex" Charlie says plainly. "I miss having sex, doc."

"Oh!" He laughs. "Yes, of course. Hmm. Well, I don't see why not at this stage. Just listen to your pain and... whatever hurts the ribs, don't do that for a while, ok?"

"Ok" Charlie nods standing, ready to leave. "Thanks so much."

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: hey you busy today?

....

Adam: Sorry just seeing this. Had skate and now its just tape but I'm home around 1ish if you want to video call. How was the doctor visit?

Charlie: [photo]

He sends a picture of his plane ticket as he's waiting in line to board. There is no way to misinterpret the meaning.

Minneapolis --> NYC landing at 2:10pm.

Adam: Oh my god.

Adam: Really?!

Charlie: yea

Charlie: is this ok?

Adam: Yes!

Charlie: i couldnt wait to see you. And since you have a few days before game 1...

Adam: Yes. Yes please oh my god Charlie I miss you so much!

Charlie: ill see you in a few hours, beautiful ❤️

Adam: 🫠🙃🙃🙃🙃

 

The flight turbulence doesn't hurt at all going back to New York like it had when he flew out to Minneapolis so many weeks ago. It also didn't hurt getting his small bag out of the overhead storage, or walking through the airport, or getting in and out of the Uber that took him to Adam's place. And it's such a nice contrast, a reassuring comparison, that he really is healing, and that he might not be in pain forever like it seemed he would be for so long.

When Adam answers the door he immediately pulls Charlie into a hug, and they stand there for a long time, just holding each other tight. Tighter than they've been able to do in almost 2 months. That time they weren't talking, and then with Charlie's injury and them having to be so careful with every touch, it had all been torture.

"I missed you so much" Adam says after a while, mumbling the words into the shoulder of Charlie's light jacket.

"I missed you too."

"The doctor said you're good?" Adam asks, pulling back enough to look at Charlie's face. "You're... we can..."

"Yea" Charlie breathes, barely getting the single syllable out before Adam pulls him into a longing, desperate kiss.

Charlie matches his eagerness instantly, groaning into it like it's giving him life. Adam slides his hands up Charlie's chest, pushing his jacket off of his shoulders. Charlie takes it off completely and tosses it somewhere near the couch, then runs his hands up Adams back, pulling his shirt up and off with the movement before removing his own a second later.

"Oh my god, Charlie" Adam half-sighs, half moans, running his hands everywhere on Charlies body he can reach while Charlie kisses down his jaw to his neck.

"Bedroom?" Charlie asks, really needing Adam to decide right now because he's about ready to jack them both off right there in front of the door if they don't do something soon.

Adam steps back and takes a heaving breath, laughing a little bit at the end. "Yea" he says, clearly trying to gather himself. But Charlie can't handle the way Adam is looking at him up and down like that, like he's trying to decide the best way to start to devour him, so he grabs Adam's hand and leads the way to the bedroom, stopping in his tracks when he reaches the open door.

"Oh" he says, the word coming out in a choked sort of drawn out whisper as he takes in the dozen or so lit candles over every surface of the room, and the blackout curtains across the window. "Adam..."

Adam pulls him toward the bed and kisses him again, long and slow. "Boyfriend" he whispers, nipping at the soft patch of skin just below Charlie's ear. Charlie actually shivers, which makes Adam laugh, low and seductively, still right by Charlie's ear.

"Fucking hell, Adam" he moans, letting his head fall to the side so Adam can keep kissing his neck. "God you're so fucking beautiful..."

He takes Adam's face in his hands and kisses him, hard, before pulling back a little.

"I...I can't do everything the same. I still have some pain, just not so much that I can't try to enjoy sex" he says, sighing a little. "But I won't be able to hold myself up on my arms in bed, and... you still have to be careful not to press on anything. And as much as I really really want to bend you over this bed, It hurts a little when I have to lift anything or push anything, so we should probably be more, like... relaxed."

Adam nods with a little half grin, letting his fingertips brush gently over the place where the ribs had been broken as he leans in, pressing their bodies together and unbuttoning Charlie's jeans, pulling them down for him to step out of. He kisses Charlie again, pouring something into it that Charlie feels sinking way deep down into his soul as Adam pushes him to sit down on the edge of the bed.

"I can be relaxed" Adam says as he drops to his knees in front of Charlie, taking his dick in his hand and giving it a single, gentle kiss at the tip before sucking him down completely.

"Fuuuuuuck" groans low and loud, letting his body fall back onto the bed to keep himself from thrusting his hips forward into Adam's throat. Adam hums contentedly, and Charlie's eyes roll back, vision blurring a little with pleasure. "Adam... you're gonna make me come so fast, and I really, really want to fuck you."

Adam pulls back with a very intentional pop of his lips, and Charlie's cock bobs free. He gasps a little, sucking the air in between his teeth and clutching the blankets tight in his hands, and Adam moves up to the bed to lay next to him with one of his legs thrown over top of Charlie's thighs.

"I want you to come" Adam says. "I think you should let me make you come like this first-" he takes Charlie's dick in his hand and gives it a stroke- "because if you come while you're inside of me, and it actually does hurt you..." he plants a few small kisses to Charlie's shoulder before sitting up a little to look at him, and Charlie can't help but reach out and touch him, to brush the loose strands of hair out of his eyes.

"I don't want sex with me to hurt you" he finishes simply, still stroking Charlie's dick slowly. "We have all day and night. Can I?"

And what the hell is Charlie suppose to say to that? No? He's already so close- so fucking close it feels uncomfortable to hold in, really- and Adam is holding his dick. He hasn't even been able to bring himself to do that in weeks, and it feels so good, and Adam looks so beautiful in the candlelight, and the tiny little moans he's letting out as he kisses Charlie's neck are too much and he... he...

Adam must sense it coming too because he works Charlie just a little bit quicker, sliding his palm over the head of Charlie's cock, letting the precum act as a lubricant. He leans over Charlie to kiss him, his body laying over his right side to protect the still healing ribs on his left.

"Yes, Charlie" he whispers between kisses, "Come for me."

So Charlie does. It's tense and seems to go on forever, waves on waves of pleasure flooding him as Adam works him down from the high with gentle strokes and small kisses. And, really, he probably hasn't gone this long without coming at all since he realized that was a thing you could actually do when he was around 13.

"Are you ok?" Adam asks, leaning over again to look at him, gently cleaning up the mess with the edge of the bottoms Charlie had been wearing before. "How do you feel?"

"Umm, yea" Charlie laughs, still breathing a little hard from the orgasm. "I feel fucking amazing." He sits up and kisses Adam, running his hands through his hair, already feeling himself trying to get hard again even though it's been less than a minute.

Charlie pulls a little at the wasteband of Adam's pants, and he stands to kick them off before moving up the bed to lay his head on the pillows while Charlie grabs the lube bottle already out next to a few of the candles on the nightstand. Adam spreads his legs and lifts a knee to give him access, and Charlie pushes a well lubricated finger into him. And it's been a while, yea, but this part is so familiar to them that they don't really need words, and Charlie is actually kind of loving that his dick is calmed down enough that he can really zone in on everything this is doing to Adam.

"Fuck, Charlie" Adam breathes, the words a little broken. "God I missed this so much..."

Charlie has to move to the side to be able to comfortably lean in to kiss Adam without pain in his ribs, but they figure it out, and when Charlie adds a finger Adam is moaning softly into every heaving breath, rolling his hips a little into the movement. Charlie's dick is definitely hard again with all the erotic sounds coming from Adam, and by the time he adds a third finger he can feel his cock twitching against Adam's thigh.

"Fuck me, Charlie" Adam moans, back arching and eyes rolling back a little when Charlie gives his fingers a little bend. "Please..." he begs.

"Can you come down here?" Charlie asks, nodding to the edge of the bed as he rolls the condom on.

Adam moves down and Charlie applies the lube, looking down at Adam in the candlelight, blue eyes all lust blown and unfocused. Charlie lines up and feels Adam pressing him in, guiding him with his heels wrapped around Charlie's lower back. And he's already come once, but it still takes focus to not snap his hips forward into Adam while he adjusts to Charlie's size. It's hard not to lean down on his elbows and kiss Adam too, especially when Adam starts to rock his hips, working Charlie in deeper.

"Ah- fucking... you feel so good, Adam. Fuck... Can I?"

Adam nods. "Yea, you can move."

And Charlie starts slow, he knows he does because he has to try very hard to keep a slower pace, but at some point Adam's moans become cries of pleasure, and he's asking for Charlie to go harder, faster, and so of course he obliges. He can't think of anything but Adam beneath him and the sensations coming at him in heavy waves. It's so much. He closes his eyes a little, letting himself get completely lost in it.

"Charlie... Charlie, wait" Adam says suddenly, laughing lightly, still moaning a little. Charlie stops on instinct and pulls out.

"What? Did I hurt you?"

"No" Adam says, eyes wide and breathing hard. "But you were literally growling and pulling my body down the edge of the bed, Charlie" he laughs a little, standing to kiss him. "It was fucking sexy as hell, but it was not relaxed."

Charlie chuckles a little at that. "Sorry" he says, giving Adam another kiss.

"Don't be sorry" Adam says, grabbing the lube from the nightstand and applying a little more before leaning into Charlie's neck to plant a few messy kisses to his neck and whisper "I love the way you fuck me."

The words make Charlie physically weak as Adam steps back out of his space, and Charlie thinks again how absolutely fucking beautiful he is.

"Here" Adam says, moving onto the bed and propping the pillows up. "Come sit."

So Charlie does, thinking he knows where this is going, absolutely thrilled to be right when Adam swings a leg over his thighs to straddle him, letting Charlie's dick slide in slow and deep.

"Ohhhh" Charlie breathes, groaning into it when Adam rocks his hips a little.

"Kiss me, Charlie" Adam says a little breathlessly.

And Charlie does. He kisses Adam gentle but messy, both of them panting a bit as Adam rides Charlie's dick with a little more intention, a little more rhythm. Charlie takes Adam's face in his hands, letting his fingers run through his long hair as Adam's head rolls back and his eyes close. Charlie kisses his neck and gently strokes Adams cock between them while Adam holds onto the headboard for leverage.

"Charlie" Adam breathes, leaning back a little, still rocking, but slowed down, distracted. "I..."

Charlie knows what Adam wants to say, can see it in his wide, wild eyes. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

"I... I lo-"

"Don't. Don't say it" Charlie says suddenly, cutting Adam off. "Not during sex."

Adam stops moving, and the look he gives Charlie is a little hurt when he asks "why?"

"I... I don't want you to regret saying it just because this feels good right now. Because... I am going to say it back, Adam, and I need to know that you really mean it as much as I do."

Adam gasps a little at that, letting the breath out with a shuttering "Oh god" as he leans into a crashing kiss.

He rocks his hips faster, and Charlie picks up his pace with stroking Adam's cock, and soon they are both coming with deep, gutteral groans, clinging to each other while their bodies unravel, foreheads pressed together, eyes closed.

"That was..." Charlie sighs, unable to find words.

"Yea" Adam agrees, still breathing hard as he flops onto the bed next to Charlie. "Your ribs ok?"

"I think so" Charlie answers honestly, aware that if there had been some pain in there at some point, the lust and need and passion would have so completely drown it out that he wouldn't have recognized it anyway. "Might take a hot shower though just to ease it a bit in case I end up sore."

"Mmmm. A hot shower sounds great."

So they shower together, laughing at the contrast between that last time they showered together when Charlie could barely breathe without pain, and today when Charlie was dragging Adam's weight across the bed, fucking him hard.

When they get out Adam orders sushi, and they drive together to pick it up, holding hands in the car behind Adams dark tinted windows, and singing whatever song comes on the radio. They take the food to Charlie's apartment and eat there so Charlie can grab a few things and check on the place. It's exactly the way it was when he left it the evening after Adam showed up and everything changed. Even the guest room blanket still lay crumpled on the floor by the couch from where Adam had slept with it.

"Do you have any team stuff while you're in the city?" Adam asks, folding a few of the things Charlie had set out to take, and putting them into a bag.

"Yea. A check-in with the PT, and, umm... I have a meeting with my agent and team management tomorrow after lunch."

"Right" Adam says, clearly trying not to let the smile slide off of his face as he keeps packing. "Well, good. I have practice and a media blitz until around 2, but maybe we can take a drive or a walk or something after your meeting?"

And he wants Adam to ask about the Wild offer sheet. Charlie wants him to ask him to reject it and try and stay, but he knows he probably wont ask because it's such a big deal, and nothing is ever final or for certain in this dream they are both so lucky to get to live out anyway. Realistically neither of them can be 100% sure where they will live, or what jersey they will be wearing this time next year. They can make plans and sign contracts, but trades happen. That's hockey. All they can do is try to make their intentions clear and hope against hope that it works out.

So he just nods his head, forcing himself to stay in the moment as he says "Yea, a walk sounds really nice" because he doesn't want to think about anything else right now except spending this night with Adam, and waking up in the morning with them wrapped around each other for the very first time, ever. 

Notes:

Phew! If you're still with me at this point you're a fucking MVP (MVR? Maybe? Idk..)

Chapter 8: If You Think It's Love, It Is (if you think it's trust, it is)

Summary:

Mostly fluff. Obviously there is also spicy stuff too, but it's mostly just happy shit and love. I hope you like it.

It's Charlie's laughing that wakes Adam up. Just a breathy, barely there sort of thing, and if he hadn't been laying right next to him, Adam probably wouldn't have heard it at all. He sits up in bed, watching Charlie's face as he smiles in his sleep. God... he is absolutely gorgeous.

"Adam..." Charlie giggles, and Adam can't help but laugh a little too at how cute it is. He wonders what he's dreaming, wonders if this is what he'd meant when Charlie said Jones knew about his feelings for Adam because he sometimes talks in his sleep.

Charlie sighs, rolling into him a little with a contented little hum. "I love you" he says, "did you know that?"

And Adam knows he's asleep, knows this is just some dream he's having by the distant tone of his voice, but he whispers back "yea, I know" anyway before laying down and snuggling in as close as he can physically get. He opens his mouth to say it back, to tell Charlie he loves him too, more than anything, but Charlie hums again and cuddles closer, all the movement waking him up.

"Hmmm" he says, his voice more alert now as he nuzzles the top of Adam's head. "You smell so good."

Adam laughs a little, pressing his lips to Charlie's neck. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Mhm" Charlie groans, but Adam can tell it's only for show. He can feel Charlie's dick getting hard between them from their naked bodies being so close. So he kisses his neck again, letting his lips linger there before sucking on the skin the tiniest bit. Charlie tilts his chin up for him to keep kissing, and Adam sits up and leans over, working his way across to nip at the place between his shoulder and collarbone that he knows is like a secret button to drive Charlie wild.

Charlie gasps, slow and drawn out, moving his hips against Adam's thigh, searching for friction. "Love waking up next to you" he half-moans, running his hands through Adam's messy hair, and pulling him up for a quick kiss. "Did your alarm go off?"

"No, I think it's still the middle of the night" Adam whispers. He can't really be sure with the blackout curtains up, but he doesn't want to search for his phone right now to check.

Charlie laughs, low and seductively. "So plenty of time then?"

"Yea" Adam breathes, wrapping a hand around Charlie's cock and working him with intention, kissing his neck and grinding his hips into the space between the mattress and Charlie's hip for relief.

"Ok, so" Charlie says between short breaths. "I just want you to remember when I come in like- f-fuck, Adam- ...in like point 2 seconds that... that it's been weeks of torture, ok? Weeks."

Adam laughs lightly, leaning over him for one more messy kiss before disappearing under the blankets. And, fuck, he really does love the way Charlie throws the covers off of them, like he needs to see Adam's head bobbing up and down on his dick. Like he's enjoying the visual of Adam there between his knees as much as he loves the feel of his wet mouth sucking him down.

Charlie does come quickly, arching his back and lifting his hips off the bed just a little. It turns into a small groan as Adam works him down from it, and he realizes that Charlie might actually be in a little pain judging by the look on his face.

"Are you ok?" He asks, moving back up the bed to hover over him. "Is it your ribs?"

"Mmm" Charlie hums, avoiding the question and moving to stand up at the end of the bed. "Come down here." He says, nodding for Adam to meet him at the edge.

"Charlie... you're hurting..."

Charlie levels him with a look, brows raised. "I'm a little sore, yea, which is why I want you to come down here so I don't have to hold myself up while I've got your dick in my mouth."

It's amazing how he still catches Adam off guard with blunt statements like that, how it still surprises him and turns him on at the same time, but it does. It really does. And Adam knows that Charlie knows exactly what it does to him when he says those things.

"Fuck, Charlie..." Adam groans as Charlie reaches out for him, pulling him into a deep, slow kiss.

"I want you shaking, Adam" he whispers in his ear, reaching between them to stroke his cock. "I want you writhing and begging, and then I want you to come for me, ok?"

And Adam feels like he can't breathe enough to get words out, so he just nods his head as Charlie pushes him back to lay on the bed, his legs hanging over the side.

Charlie runs his fingers over Adam's inner thighs, letting his eyes roam over his body appreciatively. "Fuck, Adam" he breaths, planting sloppy, languid kisses from his knee all the way down to his cock. "You're so god damn beautiful. I am a lucky, lucky man." He reaches out to run his hands leisurely up Adam's abs, then back down, planting them firmly against his hips before taking his cock in his mouth, slowly, deeply.

"Ohhhh" Adam moans, drawing it out in a long exhale when Charlie takes him in further. He runs his hands through Charlie's hair, breathing hard already.

Charlie sucks him faster, pressing his tongue hard against the underside of Adam's dick as he does. "Oh, god, Charlie! Yes!" Adam cries out, right on the edge, hands tight in his hair. Charlie takes him in a few more times, then pulls away with a erotic, evil little grin, right before Adam feels himself about to come.

"Ohh" Adam groans, laughing lightly as his hips thrust upward involuntarily, seeking any sort of friction, but finding none. "That's mean...."

Charlie watches as Adam starts to relax, then takes him again in his mouth, cupping his hands around his balls. Adam throws his head back onto the mattress with a wild howl. "Fuck! Fuck, Charlie!"

Charlie groans, breathing hard around Adam's dick. It feels so fucking good, and Adam doesn't know, he can't honestly be sure in the moment, but he thinks this might be the hardest he's ever been in his life. Charlie sucks him harder, somehow sliding Adam in deeper until he feels the release rising up in him again, and Charlie pulls his mouth away, holding the base of his cock firmly.

"Fuck..." Adam whimpers, voice trembling a little as Charlie places more languid, sloppy kisses on his inner thigh. "Oh god... Charlie..."

"Fucking hell, Adam" Charlie groans when Adam's legs begin to shake as he lifts his hips, heels digging into the edge of the bed.

"You're so good" Adam whimpers quietly, not even sure if Charlie can hear him over his heavy breathing. "So good at that."

Charlie sits back a little, watching Adam squirm as he strokes him slowly, so slowly it might be a little painful if it wasn't also the most incredible thing Adam has ever felt.

"Fucking beautiful" Charlie says in awe, standing up to walk around to Adam's nightstand.

Even in the dark Adam can see that Charlie's dick is hard again, bobbing freely when he moves. Charlie pulls out a bottle of lube, holding it up questioningly. Adam's cock twitches as he nods, clutching the blankets next to him for dear life. He doesn't know what Charlie wants to do, and he really doesn't fucking care. He'll do anything. Everything.

Charlie takes him in his mouth again, but just the head, swirling his tongue over the tip. Adam hears the pop top of the bottle as Charlie opens the lube, lathering a finger in it before pushing very slowly into Adam, taking him fully back down his throat at the same time.

And Adam can't breathe, can't feel anything else except Charlie's finger twisting and bent inside of him, his warm mouth working intently around his cock. His shoulders come off the bed, and he clutches Charlie's hair.

"Please" he begs, really fucking close, and not sure he can handle it if Charlie pull back again. "Please... please, Charlie..."

Charlie sucks him a little faster, his cheeks sunken in and his finger working with intent. Adam isn't sure how long he comes for, but it feels like it stretches on forever. Charlie hums around him, holding his thighs tight against his shoulders while Adam's hips grind a little as he comes down from the climax. It's definitely the most intense orgasm he's ever had, and judging by the way Charlie is looking at him now, it was everything he wanted from the experience too.

Charlie moves to lay on the bed next to him, both of their legs draped over the edge. Adam reaches to put a hand around his hard dick, ready to make him come again, but Charlie pushes him away gently, shaking his head.

"So, um, it actually really hurts" he breathes. "I think... probably not right now."

"Charlie!" Adam scolds, feeling a little guilty for all the bucking and squirming he was doing, for how tight Charlie had ahold of his hips and thighs. "Oh my god, I'm so sorr-:

"Don't" Charlie says, cutting him off with a short kiss. "God, please don't say you're sorry for that. Fuck... that was the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life, Adam."

Adam laughs at how serious Charlie sounds. It makes him feel a little better. "I've never had an orgasm absolutely wreck me so hard" he says, rolling a little to his side, sitting up on his elbow to look down at Charlie. "You're sure you're ok? Do you have any meds?"

Charlie shook his head. "No, nothing for a while now, but I've been ok. It's not that bad, I just-"

He gets cut off when Adam's alarm rings out, vibrating and chiming lightly on the floor by the door where he'd left it when they undressed each other the night before. He stood up and fished it out, turning the alarm off.

"So it's not the middle of the night, then" Charlie laughs.

"I guess not." Adams smiles, bending down to place gentle kisses all along the area where Charlie's ribs are still healing. 

Charlie sighs contentedly, tucking Adam's hair behind his ear. "I feel better already."

"Do you want to sleep? Or do you want to take a hot shower with me?" Adam asks, knowing which one he prefers, but wanting to leave it up to Charlie since he is hurting.

"Will you be too disappointed if I say sleep?"

Adam laughs and grabs the blankets that have fallen halfway onto the floor. "No. You sleep. I'll come say bye before I leave for the rink."

"Mmk" Charlie humms, moving up to the pillows and sinking into a ball in the middle of the bed. Adam's breath catches in his throat a little at the sight as he watches Charlie start to fall asleep from the doorway. He loves this man so much.

"Hey, Charlie?"

"Mmm"

"About what I was going to say yesterday... during sex..."

Charlie rolls over, eyes squinting a little at the light coming from the small hallway pouring in behind Adam.

"I really don't think I would have regretted it." He swallows the lump threatening to choke him and adds: "And I would have meant it. I... I do mean it."

Charlie watches him for a moment, and Adam wonders if he's waiting for him to actually say the words. But he can't bring himself to do it now, not when he's about to leave for practice and Charlie is hurting, and he just had the best orgasm of his life. Charlie is going to sit down for contract talks with his team today too, and saying that now feels almost manipulative, even though it's the absolute truth.

"I'd have said it back" Charlie replies easily, sensing Adam isn't going to make the jump. His voice is so steady it seems to ground them both. "And I'd mean it, too."

Charlie rolls back over, shielding himself from the bright light as Adam closes the door quietly between them. "I love you" he whispers to the empty hallway, resting his forehead to the doorframe. "So much."

 

Adam can't stop thinking about Charlie's meeting with his agent and the Devils management scheduled for that day. In fact, it is distracting for him all through practice enough that coach pulled him aside and grilled him about any possible hidden injuries. But he isn't injured, just anxious. Just worried he might lose Charlie yet again. He wants to ask him to stay, but it feels selfish. It feels like maybe it's asking too much. Charlie would be giving up playing at home, their home, or any matched offer the Devils came back with to keep him, which could be a difference of millions. They have time, of course, the offer couldn't officially come in before July, but it feels urgent. Like he's waiting for something important to slip away.

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: How was it with the team PT this morning?

Charlie: good! They looked over the x-rays and I got a firm talking to about not pushing it during sex after I had to explain that I was only sore because I got laid several times in the last 24 hours. So that was fun.

Adam: 😂

Charlie: How's media?

Adam: As boring as ever.

Charlie: did they fix your hair all up again?

Adam: Yea. [Photo]

Charlie: so hot

Adam: 🙃

Adam: When is the meeting with your team and agent again?

Charlie: in about an hour. It's virtual though so ill still be here when you get home

And that feels so nice, knowing Charlie will be there when he was finished with his own day. His heartbeat picks up in his chest and he feels suddenly wild with the idea of calling Charlie up and asking him to reject the Minnesota offer if it comes in, to tell the Devils he wants to stay. But he gets called in for his turn in front of the camera, so instead he says-

Adam: Ok ❤️

 

When he comes home he can hear Charlie still talking through the closed door in the bedroom. He can't make out anything being said, and he doesn't feel good about actively trying to eavesdrop, so he sends a quick text to let him know he is there, getting a simple 'almost done' in reply, then makes himself busy by loading the few dirty dishes into the dishwasher while he waits anxiously, trying hard not to think the worst.

"Hey" Charlie says, smiling wide when he comes out of the room and sees Adam waiting on the couch.

"How was it?" Adam asks.

And yea, his tone is a little breathy, a little shakey. Charlie definitely notices.

"What's wrong?" He asks Adam, brows knit together in worry.

But how do you ask someone something like that? Give up your home for me. Give up millions for me.

"Nothing" Adam says, shaking his head. "Just... tell me about your day."

Charlie searches his face for a long moment, then takes a deep breath. "Oh, you know... just trying to convince the Devils management they need me to stay as much as I need me to stay. I think it's going alright."

Adam nods, not really sure how to respond to that. It feels good to hear Charlie say he needs to stay, like he's trying everything he can to be here, but Adam can't breathe when he thinks that he might not.

"The Wild offer rumors should help with that" he says, giving Charlie a smile he knows isn't fooling him, but it's the best he's got right now. Charlie has broken down his defenses so completely in the last months that he can't even remember how to hide himself. He can barely remember why he wanted to in the first place.

Charlie straddles him on the couch, sitting right in his lap and taking Adam's face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together for a brief moment. "Talk to me" he whispers. "Don't shut me out."

He takes Charlie's hand and puts it on his chest, feeling his own heart beating fast and hard against it. "I don't want to lose you again. I just... I don't want to be here while you're home playing in Minnesota. Last time we barely spoke for two years and I'm s-so scared..."

Charlie sighs, smiling a little like the words are some kind of relief. And Adam doesn't understand, he doesn't recognize the look on Charlies face when he leans in for a kiss, but it feels like it's important, so he leans in too.

"I don't want that either" Charlie says. "I already told my agent. I... I'm not going to sign the offer sheet. It will probably come in on July 1st, they've been in contact alot, but I don't want to leave you. I'm doing everything I can to stay."

And the only thing Adam can do is cry there on the couch, his forehead still pressed to Charlie's, and Charlie's hand still flat against his pounding heart. What else can you do when you get everything that you have ever wanted.

 

Adam is due to fly out for games 1 and 2 against the Avalanche in Denver the next day, and Charlie has a flight back to Minneapolis shortly after, so they go on a walk shoulder to shoulder through central park, stopping by some cafe neither of them have been to for dinner. Afterwards they sit on the couch in Adam's apartment and watch highlights of the past games and disect what they know of the other team, not really saying more than Adam has already heard from his own coaches, but feeling good about being there together, talking through the game they both love so much. After a while Charlie pulls out his old math textbook and they read through some of the notes they scribbled in the margins together, laughing about stuff they had forgotten, trying to move past things they didn't even realize were in their way at the time.

And it feels so comfortable that it's hard to even think about them being apart again the next day. They go to sleep tangled up in each other, and wake up the same, and when Adam kisses Charlie goodbye as he leaves for his flight, he doesn't even feel that sad about it. He just feels optimistic. Hopeful that things will workout and nothing is going to fall apart while he is gone. It feels like trust, like love.

Jules in the Bank:

J: You going to wear that purple shirt again for your game tonight lover boy?

B: Yes. Yes I am.

J: omg you two are so fucking cute i hate you

B: Im... sorry?

J: No you arent

B: You're right, I'm not.

J: have you told him yet?

B: Told him what?

J: that your ass over tits in love with him

B: No, not yet.

J: and why not?!

B: I don't know. I feel like it needs to be special or something. I tried to say it once, but he told me not to.

J: he did? Really?

B: Yea. It was during sex.

J: oh well that makes sense

B: I guess so.

J: i dont think it has to be special though. Dont build it up so much in your head that you make him wait 10 years before you open your mouth and say it

B: Wow. It's like you know me or something.

J: because i do.

B: I at least have to do it in person.

J: well yea

B: Alright getting off the bus at the arena. Wish me luck!

J: GOOD LUCK! we'll be watching!

B: Please take pictures if Charlie blushes. It's my favorite thing on the planet.

J: i accept this assignment.

B: You're a queen Jules

J: true

But the thing is, Adam does feel like it needs to be special. It feels bigger the more he waits, and now there doesn't seem to be any way to just say it without it feeling like it's not enough. Charlie was wrong about him regretting it. All he regrets now is all the time he wasted not shouting it every chance he'd ever had.

 

The Rangers take the win in game 1, but lose it in overtime in game 2. They head back to New York where there is a 2 day break before game 3, and Adam spends alot of time on the phone and video call with Charlie during the hours he's not with his team.

"I was thinking about getting a place out here" Charlie says, jostling the camera a little as he flops down on his bed. "I mean, I like being here with my mom, but we can't really stay here together, and I miss waking up next to you."

"She wouldn't be ok with me sleeping there?" Adam asks, not really considering that it might look suspicious since they had spent so much time in that basement as teens.

"I think it might give us away as a couple if you stay here every night, Adam. We're not 16 years old anymore."

"Oh, right." He thinks about it for a moment, and then: "We should just tell her, then, right? I mean she already knows your bi, so she should be ok..."

"Wait, really? You really want to?"

"I really do. I want to tell our friends too, all of them, but I just... it has to be right. I'm not..." he sighs a little, rubbing his forehead. "I'm not you, Charlie. I can't just..."

The sentence trails off, but he doesn't really need to finish. They both know what he means. Charlie has always been a little more brave, a little more reckless. It's one of the things that very first drew Adam in. He loved that Charlie pushed him to do scary things, and dragged him along for whatever he was into at the moment. But he didn't want to feel dragged into this. He got the feeling Charlie didn't want that either.

"Ok" Charlie breathes, still smiling. "Yea, no, I get it. I just love that you even want to, Adam. It's... I know it's a big deal for you. Whatever you want to do."

"You should tell your mom, though. Even if we end up getting a place."

Charlie freezes for a beat, and then-

"Wait. We?"

Adam can feel himself blush at that, but Charlie has that look on his face, like he's waiting for Adam to tell him he's not kidding so he can believe it. So he can let himself be happy.

"Yea, if... if you want to do that. Maybe... a place during summer? Somewhere by the lake could be nice. Somewhere more private."

"Yea, ok" Charlie breathes, unable to contain his smile any longer. And Adam fucking loves that smile.

"But really, Charlie. Tell your mom whenever you want to. I'm good."

Charlie jumps up from the bed and runs with his phone into the kitchen upstairs. Adam isn't really expecting it, but isn't all that surprised either, when Charlie blurts out "Mom! Me and Adam are dating! For like... almost 9 months."

And wow, it's really been nearly 9 months...

He hears Casey gasp, then shout "oh my god!" As she pulls Charlie into a deep hug, the phone falling to the counter. And, yea, maybe Adam is crying a little when Charlie fixes the camera enough for Adam to see their faces, but who can blame him really with Casey Conway smiling that big smile she passed down to her son, happy tears welling up in her own eyes.

"Oh" she says, hand to her throat, voice a little trembling. "I'm so happy. Just... so..." she waves the camera away, stepping out of frame to gather herself.

"I think that went well" Charlie says, laughing a little as he walks back down to the basement.

Adam knows his own parents wouldn't take it so great. They might be ok, but they certainly wouldn't be emotionally happy for him about it. But in this moment it feels like enough that Charlie's mom knows, and that it's been 9 months, and they got through the hard parts. It's enough that he's the happiest he's ever been.

 

The Rangers win game 3 at home, and some of the team head out for a few drinks to celebrate. It's about ten minutes after midnight when Adam gets a text from Charlie.

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: so like... I'm really glad youre having fun with the team after the big win...

Charlie: i really really am

Charlie: but i have my anal plug in and you still have the vibration app thingy so... can you turn that on please?

Charlie: Ive had it in since the game and it feels amazing... but I really want to come now

Charlie: if your not too busy

Adam: Holy fucking shit Charlie.

Adam: Oh my God.

Adam: I can literally be home in 11 minutes. Can you wait?

Charlie: no dont leave the team for this im fine Adam you should be celebrating

Adam: Honestly fuck everything else right now I am so horny.

Adam: We have morning skate anyway.

Charlie: you could just put the app on my phone...

Adam: If you really want me to I will.

Adam: But I love when you come for me.

Charlie: omg

Charlie: ok hurry up

Charlie: fuck

Adam can't believe it sometimes that he gets to watch Charlie unravel like this, over and over, week after week. He'd sort of always assumed that he'd get tired of having sex with the same person all the time, that part of what makes sex enjoyable is all the new experiences, but now... Fuck...

He's seen Charlie climax so many times and still wants more. He loves his name on Charlie's lips, and the way his eyes roll back the tiniest bit when Adam runs his hands through his hair. He loves the deep groans and the trembling whispers, the weight of Charlie's body pressed close to his, and the way his breath seems to catch right before he comes. He's sure he will never get tired of it.

And then there is the closeness they've always had. The jokes and the silliness, the kind gestures and advice neither of them would take from anyone else. He'd fallen in love with Charlie before he even knew how to have sex with a man (or that it was even a thing you could do), so it was nice to know they still worked together outside of all the earth shakingly fantastic fucking they seem to be so good at.

 

The Rangers also win game 4, but it's a struggle. Adam got hit hard into the boards in the second period and his helmet flew off before he hit the ice. He skated off on his own, but didn't end up going back out for the third period because they couldn't clear him for concussion risk right away. He'd been down on the ice too long before he got up, and there are rules for that sort of thing that even the Stanley Cup can't bend.

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: everyone is very worried Adam

Charlie: please let someone know youre ok

....

Adam: I'm ok.

Adam: Stupid fucking concussion protocol.

Charlie: is it possible you actually have a concussion?

Adam: I feel fine but apparently I was "slow to get up".

Adam: So player safety and blah blah blah.

Charlie: the team won though! Thats good!

Adam: Yea.

Charlie: you dont seem happy about it

Adam: I might not be able to play the next game.

Charlie: it's the cup final. If they dont let you play then you really REALLY shouldn't play Adam

Charlie: people get on the ice with broken bones.

Charlie: please listen to the med team. I need you healthy.

Adam: Yea. Ok.

Charlie: and call your mother when you can. Shes a mess right now

Adam: I will.

When Adam finally made it back to his apartment and called Charlie that night they were both so emotionally drained they just sat on the phone together in silence until they fell asleep. Adam would fly out with the team to Denver in the morning, even though no one was sure if he would be cleared to play yet. He'd have to be checked at the 24 hour mark and then again at the 48 hour mark, and the games only had a 2 day break between them.

It frustrated Adam, but he also couldn't stop thinking about what Charlie said. I need you healthy. He had other things important in his life besides just hockey now.

 

Adam didn't end up going out for game 5. The team lost it, but the energy was still good. Apart from the sweep against Tampa in the conference final, they'd been a game 6 winning team all post-season. It felt lucky, even.

Adam is going to be allowed back on the ice for game 6, but his anxiety about the importance of the win is definitely getting the better of him. It's a worry he hasn't felt in a long time because hockey was the one thing he knew he could get right, but now he feels all of the pressure to go out there and be perfect since the team lost while he was away. There is alot of talk on social media about him being the difference maker for the Cup final, too, and it feels good, but it also increases that pressure. It doesn't help that he can't go anywhere right now without someone recognizing him because of all the fucking billboards. Rangers fans have always been incredibly loyal, but the city is so big he felt like he got to keep some anonymity going to the grocery store before because not everyone watches hockey. All that was lost now.

"Can we talk about something else?" Adam asks over video call with Charlie the afternoon before the game. They'd been discussing game 5, and who might be playing injured for the Avs during game 6, but Adam isn't into it. "I'm... I think I just need a few minutes without stressing about the Cup."

"That makes sense" Charlie nods easily. "What do you want to talk about?"

There is a beat of silence and then-

"I think we should get tested."

Charlie freezes, looking at the screen to study Adam's face. "Like... tested tested?"

"Yea."

"Ok" Charlie says, nodding. "Our teams both do that already as part of out medical screenings though. At least, mine does."

"Yea, at the beginning of the pre-season" Adam reasons. "That was at least a few weeks before we were together."

Charlie nods again. "Ok. Are you... worried about it?"

And Adam can sense a hint of panic in his tone, which is fair. They did have sex the first time trying to hookup with strangers at a club, and Adam has told Charlie he's never been with the same person twice.

"No" Adam says quickly. "No I'm not really concerned. I mean I have never ever not used a condom during sex. But... I know of at least two people you dated who you didn't use them with and.... I don't know. I'd just feel better about it if we went."

"It was only those two. They were on birth control."

Adam looked into the camera with raised brows. "Yea, well, I'm not really worried about you getting me pregnant, Charlie."

Charlie laughs at that. "I'm not saying no! I mean... of course we can do that. I want to, yea."

"Ok, good" Adam says with a smile. "Do you want to go while you're home and I can find a place here? Or go together?"

"Whatever you want is fine. My schedule is free, but if you want to wait until after the post season to go together then thats obviously fine too."

"Let's just do it as soon as possible separately" Adam says, already feeling a little horny just thinking about it. "It can take like a week or more to get the results and... I really want you to come inside of me when I'm back home for summer."

Charlie's eyes close, and even through the screen Adam can see a deep flush working it way up his neck and face. "Oh my god" he whispers. "Fucking hell, Adam. Yes. I... yea. We can- I want that."

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: is that shirt officially yours now? Youve worn it more than me at this point

Adam: Yes. Of course.

Adam: I thought that was obvious 🙃

Charlie: looks like all your fans love it 😒

Adam: Wait are you jealous right now? Of the girls? 😂

Charlie: i dont like it when people try and touch you. Girls or guys.

Adam: Yea you made that pretty clear from the start when you dragged me to that dark corner of the club because I was dancing with someone else for half of a song the first night. 

Charlie: ok in my defense that guy was practically fucking you

Charlie: and now that i think about it you had that plug in so him grinding on you probably was making you feel really fucking good

Charlie: I actually never thought about that until just now but that doesnt feel great...

Adam: You were dancing with someone else too, Charlie.

Charlie: i know

Adam: Is this going to be a fight?

Charlie: no

Charlie: honestly if you hadnt been dancing with him and i hadnt been so jealous id have gone home with that guy and we prob wouldnt be texting right now

Charlie: so maybe i should be thankful he was practically getting you off on the dance floor

Adam: I was trying to make you jealous that night. I was watching you dance with that other guy and just couldn't do it.

Charlie: you could have asked me to dance you know. That was an option

Adam: I wanted to be the one you chose. I needed you to pick me, Charlie.

It felt easier for Adam to talk about these things now. Every day it got a little less painful, and he knew it was the honest way Charlie always said exactly what he felt that made Adam feel like it was ok. Like it was necessary, even.

Charlie: well i did

Charlie: and im going to keep choosing you every single day for as long as youll let me

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Adam: Yes please.

Charlie: good luck tonight ❤️

Adam: ❤️

 

Game 6 is sort of anticlimactic. Not to say it isn't everything Adam ever dreamed it would be, because it certainly is, but it wasn't the battle he had prepared for, and he fought with himself about how easy it seemed in comparison to all the anxiety he'd had over it.

The Rangers score 3 goals in the first period and keep a healthy lead throughout the entire game. Adam scores 2 of the 4 total goals and has an assist on a 3rd, and ends up being presented the Conn Smythe for MVP during the playoffs. It surprises him, but no one else on the team seems the least bit thrown by it.

 

Quack Attack:

Russ: THE CUPPPPPP!

Julie: is anyone else crying or just me?

Luis: real talk? Yea. I am.

Cowboy: full tears

Connie: and that fkn CS award! Yasss!

Portman: Banksie getting shit done

Guy: i think it was that LuCkY shirt

Kenny: 😂😂

Beautiful: 🖕

Beautiful: Jealousy isn't a good color on you Germaine.

Charlie: you should wear it next Guy then maybe the Wild will get to the playoffs

Fulton: ohhh shots fired!

Connie: 😂😂😂

Guy: ouch.

Russ: Ok the real question: Will Guy and Charlie touch the cup when Banksie has his day with it?

Guy: no way bro

Charlie: absolutely not

Beautiful: Superstition 🙄

Julie: says the man wearing the LuCkY purple shirt??

Beautiful: Fair point.

-

Duck Duck Juice:

Adam: You're really not going to touch the cup when I have it?

Charlie: I will not touch the cup... but you can fuck me while its in the room if it makes you feel better

Adam: Ok.

Adam: Yea. That's a very fair compromise.

Charlie: speaking of fucking me...

Charlie: did you get your results back yet? From testing?

Adam: Not yet. You?

Charlie: yep!

Charlie: [photo]

Adam: 😍

Adam: Thanks for doing that.

Charlie: honestly everyone should. Im glad you suggested it.

Adam: Ok now all I can think about is fucking you.

Charlie: good

Adam: Two days.

Charlie: two days

 

The parade in NY for winning the cup was insane. Adam drank probably a bit too much, but was still somehow better off than the rest of the team. He spoke a little and hoisted the cup to cheers from the city, and took pictures with hundreds of fans. It was incredible, but the best feeling was waking up to the news about Charlie all over the Devils social media the next day.

Charlie Conway signs 6 year extension with Devils.

Conway, 96, to stay in New Jersey.

Charlies Conway 'not interested in leaving Jersey' for the Wild.

There is a short instagram live clip posted to the Devils page of Charlie answering questions about re-signing with the team, and what he would do if an Offer Sheet still came through.

"I'm not looking to leave" Charlie says simply. "I love Minnesota, of course, I mean... home is where your mom is right?" He and the interviewer both laugh a little. "But yea, I love Jersey. I love the organization. Being there is everything I could ever want and if an offer comes in I don't see myself even considering it at this point."

"You could be leaving millions on the table" the interviewer points out.

"I have everything I want and need right now" Charlie smiles easily. "And there are certainly more important things than money."

They talk for a little while about his recovery and how it feels leaving his rookie year behind, and when the interview is done Charlie takes his hand and puts it flat against his chest, giving the camera a little wink. Adam's heart swells. He knows that's for him, all the times he held Charlie's hand against his heart, trying to calm it, trying to make Charlie understand and feel how he was feeling when the words failed him like they so often seemed to be doing. 

 

Duck Duck Juice:

Charlie: i know i was going to pick you up from the airport but can you get an Uber? I had something come up

Adam: Yea, no problem.

Adam: Everything ok?

Charlie: yea everything is great

Charlie: text me when you land?

Adam: Of course ❤️

Adam texts Charlie when he gets to Minneapolis but he doesn't reply right away. So Adam goes home and has lunch with his parents, both of them still so excited to talk about the cup win. And it's nice to be there with them, talking about achieving this dream they worked so hard to help him have. He feels a little overwhelmed by how lucky he is to have the life he has.

Charlie: sorry i was in a meeting

Adam: No worries. Just spending time with the fam.

Charlie: i miss you

Adam: I miss you too.

Charlie: when you get some time can you meet me here [link.maps]

Adam: Sure. Are you there now?

Charlie: yea

Adam: Alright I'll head that way in a few.

Charlie: cant wait 🥰

 

It's a smaller place, but it's really nice. You can't even see the house from the street through all the trees, and Adam can see the lake in the back as he pulls up the long driveway. Charlie is waiting on the porch swing, but walks to meet him by the car as he drives up, clearly unable to wait any longer to be close. He presses Adam against the car door, kissing him deeply and sighing into it like it's the first and best kiss he's ever had.

"I missed you so much" Charlie says, pulling away just enough to speak, their lips still touching.

Adam hums happily, kissing him again. "Missed you, too. Where are we?"

Charlie smiles and takes Adam's hand. "Come on, let me show you our place."

And Adam hadn't really thought Charlie was going to rent a place for them now that his mother knew, but he'd apparently been wrong. The house has 2 bedrooms 2 bathrooms and a finished basement. There is lake access from the back of the property and the nearest neighbor is several acres away. The kitchen is a good size, and the back yard has a sweeping deck that could fit a dozen people easily if they wanted. 

"Do you like it?" Charlie asks, taking a deep breath like he's a little nervous.

"I love it" Adam answers honestly, circling the kitchen, already thinking about how nice it will be to cook there together. "How long did you rent it for?"

"I... I actually... bought it" Charlie says, laughing, rubbing the back of his neck. "I got a pretty heavy signing bonus from the team and... you said you wanted somewhere by the water with privacy, so... yea. That's why I couldn't pick you up from the airport earlier. Paperwork and stuff..."

Oh my god.

Adam can't speak, can't really even think straight. But he's smiling, and so Charlie smiles too.

"We can skate on the lake out there during winter breaks" Charlie continues, walking to him to lean in, their foreheads touching and his hand over Adam's heart. "We can rent it out during the season when we aren't here if we want to, and the basement is more than big enough for a pool table, so we can have our friends over sometimes."

"You... bought me a house" Adam says.

It's not really a question, but Charlie nods anyway. "Is that ok? You don't have to stay here if you prefer to your par-"

"No, I want to. Oh my god, Charlie" he grins. "I... you're incredible. I..."

Charlie waits a beat, and Adam thinks maybe he's hoping to hear the words, but he can't do it. He can't help but think it would seem inauthentic to say I love you after such a huge gesture. Like maybe it wouldn't be real. Like maybe Charlie would think he just feels like he has to say it now. Like saying it for the first time during sex, confusing it for the high of the moment.

And Adam knows it's not that, he knows it's real. But still... it needs to be right. He begs that voice inside of him that's saying it has to be perfect, you have to be perfect, to shut the hell up, but it doesn't, so the words don't come.

"I know" Charlie offers, giving his neck a gentle kiss to break the obvious tension of the moment, his hand pressing a little more firmly over his heart. "Me too."

He pulls away and takes Adam's hand. "Come check out the lake. It's amazing."

So Adam lets Charlie fill in all the empty spaces again, hating how he can't seem to be whatever it is they both need right now. He comforts himself with the fact that Charlie does know, even if Adam hasn't actually said it. Adam knows too. He feels it like it's a fact etched into his soul.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

There is no furniture at the lake house yet so they spend the evening ordering a truckload of shit to fill the space up while they eat takeaway Thai food on the floor of the livingroom. Nothing would arrive for a few days, but they make love on the lawn furniture the previous owner left them on the back porch as the sun sets over the water, and Charlie runs to the store for an air mattress and blankets for them to set up in the bedroom. They spend the first two days exploring the property and lake front, and having sex in every room of the house.

Adam gets his results from the testing facility in New York in his email while they are making breakfast the third day, showing it to Charlie with a suggestive raise of his eyebrows.

"Hang on" Charlie says, disappearing for a moment and coming back with a small jar of lubricant. He walks over to stand in front of the counter knocking his hip against it and tilting his head assessingly before he turns the stove off and levels Adam with a look full of desire.

"Fuck me, Adam" he says, handing him the jar and leaning in to run his hands up the back of Adam's shirt. "Lean me over this counter right now and fuck me. Please."

His voice is shaking already with need, and Adam is not going to make him ask twice. So he bends Charlie over the counter and fucks him with his arms wrapped tight around his shoulders, palms flat against his chest, luxuriating in the way Charlie feels, and the sensations of their bodies pressed together as close as they can possibly be. Charlie practically screams when he reaches the edge, reaching blindly for the hand towel hanging on the stove to come into, knowing they'll never be able to use it in the kitchen again in good conscience.

When it's over Charlie leads them to the shower, still breathing hard and making jokes about how much money they're going to save on condoms now. Adam laughs, feeling light with it, like he might float away by how full of unfiltered, indescribable joy he is.

 

It ends up being Julie that breaks Adam out of his cycle of overthinking.

They are sitting at the little bar down in the basement of the house Charlie had bought for him during a little housewarming/Cup-day party with the Minneapolis Ducks, and Russ who had flown in to see the cup, even though he wouldn't let himself touch it either. Jones and Amanda come too, and Daisy even tags along, promising to stay until at least 10.

"You're being fucking Guy about this" Julie says, turning in her barstool to look at Adam with raised brows. "He kept planning to ask Connie to marry him for like... ever, then let the pressure of making it some big thing keep him from doing it at all, so she just ended up doing it herself. He regrets it, you know. He told her he regrets waiting."

Adam shakes his head, laughing lightly. "I'm not asking Charlie to marry me, Jules."

"I know! That's why it's worse! You're just stating a fact and you've still created so much bullshit in here about it-" she taps his forehead a little before he waves her hand away. "-it's fucking with you both. So. Stop it."

And it's like a lightbulb moment, a clearing of the fog. She is absolutely right. He thinks back to that night so fucking long ago now at Macs, Connie standing on the bartop asking Guy to marry her. It worked out for them, and was such a beautiful moment, but Adam doesn't want to keep Charlie waiting. He doesn't want to be in his head about this anymore. He just wants to be in love.

Charlie is chatting with Russ while they watch Averman and Goldberg attempt to play pool even though they are both terrible at it, laughing loudly at something Adam can't hear, but the sound of Charlie's voice makes him smile anyway. There is music going and Jones is dancing with Daisy next to Fulton and Amanda, who have been inseparable for hours now, and Adam just... he can't keep it in any longer.

He walks over to Charlie, taking his hand and whispering "you want to dance?"

Charlie looks surprised, but nods anyway, following the pull of Adam's hand in his as they make their way to the open area where the others are swaying. Adam wraps his arms around Charlie's waist, and Charlie snakes his hands up to rest at the nape of his neck. Adam leans in, pressing their foreheads together, surprising himself by how easy it is to block out all of their friends who have turned to look at them, focusing only on Charlie. They sway there for a moment, and Charlie hums in contentment when Adam shifts a little closer.

He takes Charlie's hand and places it against his chest, breathing deeply. "If I kiss you right now, do you think that'll be enough of a coming out for our friends to get that we're together?"

Charlie smiles, breathing a little laugh as he pulls back to look Adam in the eye. "I'm not going to say no to you kissing me, but I think they probably know already. I mean... you just put my hand over your heart, and my face is, like, an inch from yours. That's pretty gay, Adam."

They both laugh, leaning into it a little so their noses brush against each others cheeks.

"Hey" Adam whispers, pulling back again, looking at Charlie and feeling everything rush at him all at once. "I love you so much, Charlie. I... I love our house and our life and even all the stupid shit it took to get us here. I... I just really really fucking love you..."

Charlie lets out a shuttering sigh, practically sinking into Adam as he breathes. "I love you too. So, so much. Oh my god... I..."

And Adam realizes there are no more words to be said, nothing more he can possibly hold back, so he kisses Charlie, pulling him in to run his hands up his back while Charlie snakes his hands through Adam's hair.

When they break apart and finally look around them, everyone is smiling, and Averman calls out: "I get the strong feeling that wasn't the first time you two have kissed" with a wide smile. Guy and Julie laugh openly, and Jones and Amanda both share a grin with Charlie and Adam across the small space they are dancing in. 

It's so perfect it almost hurts as Adam remembers everything he wanted when he was just a stupid teenager falling in love with his best friend, and when he was leaving college thinking he'd never ever be able to have it. God it had all hurt so much, but he can barely remember any of it now with Charlie holding onto him so close like this. 

"I am the happiest I have ever been right now" Charlie whispers, his lips pressed to Adam's neck as they sway.

Adams chest tightens at the memories that pour in from those words, and he pulls Charlie in the tiniest bit closer. "Me too" he whispers back, meaning it with every single thing he has in him. 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Notes:

There it is. The end. I wasn't intending this fic to be so long, but I hope you found it to be worth the time you invested in reading it. It means alot to me that you are here. Thanks for reading my little story ❤️🥰

(I wrote an epilogue for this as a separate fic called Room For Living if you want to check it out!)