Rumours

by bangeraang

Summary:

Lily had moved in close, eyes on hers and still there was too much darkness shrouding her eyes that there was no clear pathway into her soul. Mary wasn’t any shrink but she wasn’t stupid. There was something there. Something fierce and pulsing. She still had nerves but in the face of her fiercest adversary, Lily Evans was only an obstacle on her road to success. The rockstar grinned.

“Then buckle up, babe,” she said, leaning closer and closer, straight into Mary’s space. “Because that draft isn’t ever going to see the light of day.”

 

'We’ll see about that.'

 

(Lily doesn't like journalists, or maybe she just hasn't met the right one yet. Rumours take everyone down in the end.)

Notes:

finally a marylily-centric fic. i thought if no one was to do it, i would do it myself

Chapter 1: open up, everything's waiting for you

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
go your own way

 

Mary woke up with as much energy as you could find in the centre of a very much dormant chrysalis. The drill of a clock sound didn't help, and neither did the flashing of lights very much when she had to turn it off. The first time she had snoozed it was by pure luck- the ability to throw your phone off of your night stand and onto the floor as well as snoozing at the same time was phenomenal. However, she met her maker when she had to go searching for it underneath her bed. That was when she had to take a quick arithmancy assessment, turn off the flashing lights and, of course, press the ‘stop’ button in quick succession. 

 

And when she finally went back to sleep afterwards, drifting off to the sound of the early morning’s blissful quiet of her neighbourhood- she was woken up again by her second alarm. 

 

And dread dawned on her like the sun did the new day, as she realised what she was doing, when she had to be there and who she was meeting. Safe to say, she launched out of bed. 

 

In the shower she found herself compartmentalising and practising the semi-formal speech she had decided she needed when she was eating her stale bagel the night before. Since then, words she might or might not say had been floating around her head, and many a time she would be lost in the daze of her own mindfulness. This happened as she brushed her teeth, whilst in the shower- she almost used shampoo. Dangerous. 

 

Emmeline hadn’t risen from her slumber yet, which Mary considered herself lucky for. Her flatmate was nice, but they had slept with each other one too many times and Emmeline had now started something which Mary couldn’t help but label as courtship. And Mary didn’t want courtship, she wanted to work and to have people read her work and talk about her work. And today was her big break- today was her big break. 

 

She did not need Vance distracting her with early morning snog and a second shower. 

 

“Why are you sneaking around?” Mary yelped and almost dropped the milk, as Emmeline appeared from behind the door. She caught Mary’s elbow quickly, giving her a small smirk. Her thumb lightly stroked onto her skin and Mary almost felt like putty. She held strong though and glared at Emmeline, taking her arm away from her and closing the fridge, a little bit too forcefully but she didn’t care. She sat at the breakfast bar with her back to her flatmate. Ignoring her as she turned on the TV. 

“Continuing on though- this new news about the split tour, what are we thinking?”

 

“Want to hear my personal opinion, Dolores?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“I can’t see this ending in anything but complete disaster- the Griffin’s went on a break because of the consequences of the fallout with The Marauders drummer and singer James Potter from the summer of 2019, if anything this is going to potentially make things worse. We don’t know whats going to happen other than mass-hysteria- I’ve already had my niece on the phone to me crying about whats to come, just like many fans will be out there, today…”

 

Mary bit lightly onto the spoon, drinking in her Coco Pops like her life depended on it. She kept her eyes to the screen of the television. The kettle flicked on behind her and she heard two mugs hitting the counter. She tried her hardest to not turn around. But then there was arms slowly sliding around her waste, she fought to not tense up. 

 

“How was your sleep?” Emmeline purred into her ear, hot breath lightly tickling the right of her neck. They had been living for three years, friends for six and lovers for no more than two months. In that span, Mary had counted Emmeline flirting with her more than 6000 times, casually, she had kissed her more than 120 times in the past two months and had eye fucked her more than a billion times. They were friends- Mary kept the statistics so that she could stay sane during their time of fun. Nothing helped her, especially not that Vance was a freelance photographer by trade and worked with her company on a multitude of times, her way in being Mary. Now they were living together. 

 

Two months ago, Mary McDonald had wanted nothing more than to shag Emmeline Vance. Nothing more. Now she wanted to be left alone (possibly not forever, but definitely for this morning). 

 

Mary’s tongue felt stuck to the top of her mouth, dry as the desert and slightly tasting like chocolate. Chocolate grains-

 

“I slept well,” she said, squirming a little, but it only made Emmeline hold on tighter. Mary glared at the television. Emmeline’s teeth lightly grazed the lobe of her ear, she was wearing a teasing smile and Mary clenched her thighs together. “I slept goo oo- Emmeline! No, I have work.”

 

In the span of two seconds, her flatmate’s hand had rested flat and had begun slipping down, until Mary grabbed it. If noises were one of Mary’s weaknesses, then the whimper her friend had let out would have made her goopy and submissive, but instead she grabbed Emmeline’s hand and forced it away. 

 

“No.” She sighed and backed off, and Mary took five seconds to try and keep her heart calm and make the heat pooling in the bottom of her abdomen cool off. She could not leave the house as flustered as this. She would not. 

 

The news channel that their tv was always on flashed with bright colours, as old footage of Mary’s future displayed themselves on the screen. Smoky eyeliner, tunes that weren’t only killer but could kill, a guitar with a singular hand that shredded it like there was no room for Zeppelin- there was no room for anyone else on the top podium, since the Gryffins had it all. Or they used to have it all. That was until Lily Evans decided to break up with her rockstar boyfriend, James Potter from the band the Marauders. 

 

A cup of tea was placed in front of her- green and steaming still. She looked behind her and Emmeline still seemed to have not taken her eyes off of her. Mary bit her lip, turning her head back around.

 

“You’re meeting with Malfoy today, aren’t you?” She asked, and leaned up on the counter beside Mary. The photographer already knew many people in the industry, and she had been on casual speaking terms with Narcissa Malfoy for more than a few months. She had also met many bands and their members before (some of her pictures had featured on the front of Vogue and Vanity Fair; the Quibbler, which was the paper that Mary worked for, was only small compared to where she had reached).

 

Just for a second, to satiate herself, Mary let her eyes slide down and look at what she was wearing. It was a shirt she recognised from one of Vance’s ex boyfriends, one that she had never spoken to since their break up, and her tanned legs were folded at the ankles. Her golden opal necklace hung from her neck. Mary took a deep breath and got up from her seat.

 

“Yes, I am, so I’m trying to concentrate so that I won’t fuck something up,” she said, and grabbed her laptop, sliding it back into the case. She blew her hair out of her face and then looked Emmeline, straight into her eyes. The other was smiling, smirking really, and she took a sip from her own cup. There was a glimmer from her tongue bar as it darted out, and that's when Mary decided to take her leave.

***

 

When Mary arrived on the second floor of her company’s building, it was loud and there was muffled speech from the other side of Xenophilius Lovegood (one of her good friend’s and boss of three years) office door. Hestia Jones (her unfortunate lover’s best friend) was smoking a fag nonchalantly at her desk, flicking through her phone without a care in the world. The heater in the corner was blasting hot air and it made Mary feel queasy, but she said nothing and cleared her throat before greeting her friend. Hestia smiled.

 

Mary and Jones had been friends for years, they were uni roommates during their time at Edinburgh and had coincidentally migrated down to the capital when they had graduated. Mary liked her, but there was never anything substantial other than idle chat and one or two nights out on the piss. She defintiely didn’t like her enough to move in with her when they moved- both mutually and internally agreed that they had had enough time together during their years at university, and if it wasn’t for that they happened to be working in the same place and remained in contact through mutual friends, then Mary doubted she would know her more than just facebook friends. A face she could smile at in a crowd but not particularly speak to. 

 

But she trusted her judgement, and would ask her questions from time to time. Out of their little friend group, Jones was the only one who knew of her and Emmeline’s attachment to each other. And there was nothing wrong with that- except for that both of the two had decided to never speak of it aloud. It was just known. Mary surely didn’t want to talk about her fucking Emmeline with Emmeline’s best friend, thats why they were closer and Mary wasn’t. 

 

“Hey girl,” she grinned, lip piercing glinting in the big light’s shine. She was fit- Mary could admit that. Black hair, mismatched eyes, snarky attitude. But she wasn’t someone that Mary could see herself getting together with regularly. At this point they were just friends of mutuals, nothing much else. “Missed you yesterday.”

 

“Sorry,” Mary mumbled. Her flatmate had gone out the night before with her friends- and then had come back pretty much far from pissed. “I, uh, couldn’t risk the hangover.”

 

“Fair enough,” she took a drag of her cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray. She took it and slipped it into her desk’s draw, inconspicuously closing it like it had never been there. Legally, smoking wasn’t allowed in buildings, and not this one, but Xenophilius did it in his office so she just brushed the smell off as it was his. He owned everything around here and he was the final word. It wasn’t lawful, but Hestia wasn’t bothered.  “Big day for you, isn’t it?”

 

“Bigger than big, Hestia.”

 

“Bricking it?”

 

“You don’t even know,” Mary sighed and Jones hummed, and returned to her phone. They stood in (semi) awkward silence for about a minute before Mary asked who was in the office with Xeno. “It’s getting pretty loud in there.”

 

“Oh, just Rita,” she flicked her lighter boredly, barely giving Mary a second glance. 

 

“What does that beetle want again?” Mary groaned, feeling exasperated. “She cornered me the other day, you know, I was at a shoot with Emmeline and she happened to miss out the information that she was taking shots for one of that insect’s articles.”

 

“She doesn’t have to tell you everything,” Hestia said, and it sounded a little judgy. Mary blanched. 

 

“I know that, but it would have a nice warning.” Jones snorted lightly, still not really looking at Mary. You could see why Mary and her had never become best friends. 

 

There was another shout from inside the office and Mary slightly flinched at the sound of it. “Right, i’m interrupting.” Hestia shot her a look as if she was deranged, but said nothing which Mary took as the go-ahead. 

 

She took her bag off of the top of the desk and slid it onto her shoulder as she knocked twice onto the door. When she wasn’t answered she decided to take it with a pinch of salt and just make her way in. 

 

Mary and Rita had never been friends, not even acquaintances, and she had never cared much for the gargoyle to call her an enemy. But there was an obvious distrust and dislike between them- possibly because Mary was the one who outed her for cheating on Xeno when they were engaged. 

 

(This, by the way, was a complete accident on Mary’s behalf, but she did not regret a single bit of it. It just happened that she had been in the right place at the right time, and soon enough Xeno managed to take Mary’s advice and fall in love with the love of his life, Pandora Lovegood.)

 

“I know you’re hiding something, sweetheart, and I don’t want you to deny it a third time.”

 

The beetle was wearing a long green dress, and had feathers of white and black laced into her bleached hair. If Mary didn’t adore Xenophilius like she did then she might have called them siblings, but thankfully she was much too aware of Rita’s personality and the context of them to even ever insinuate it. 

 

Skeeter had a rubied, pale hand on one of Xenophilius’ brown fisted ones, and he looked five seconds from decking her out of survival instinct. His shoulders were stiff in telling that he was already in need of a mid-morning drink, and his face was screwed up in a scowl which was rare for his face. His hair was already braided with beads, and he glared at the journalist rat in front of her. His face lightened significantly when he saw Mary in the doorway.

 

“Mary!” He sighed in relief. “Well, Rita, nice chat, but I’m afraid im going to have to speak to my best journalist now, so if you could politely excuse yourself then it would be greatly obliged.”

 

 His face was painted with the queer smile which always was on his lips, but he stared icily at the beetle in front of him. 

 

She glared between him and Mary before smiling slyly at him. He tried to retrieve his hand from her grip but when he did her clawed fingernails gripped onto him viciously. “Don’t think you can hide anything from me,” she chewed out. “I will find out everything in the end.” She then let go and he took his hand back, cradling it with his other. Mary was surprised how he still held the smile on his face.

 

“It’s nice to see you Mary,” she said pleasantly, but there was a tone to it which she couldn’t place. 

 

“It’s always a pleasure to see you too, Miss Skeeter,” she chimed back. The former laughed something that sounded like she had one of her feathers up her nose.

 

“We should catch up soon, hm? Maybe over a cocktail or two, talk about our work sometimes, yes?” She pulled her fluffy coat over her shoulders without clasping it. Her heels clacked wickedly on the floor as she placed a hand on Mary’s shoulder. Her other hand clutched her petite handbag like it had the entirety of the Quibbler’s secrets. “I do love your work.” There was a glint in her eyes and then she seared herself out, primly ignoring Hestia despite her calls and flouncing down the stairs, disappearing from sight.

 

Mary quickly and efficiently closed the door behind her and sat down in the seat before Xenophilius comfortably. Xenophilius looked at her tiredly, he already was applying hand sanitiser to his hands, rubbing it in like he could rid Skeeter’s presence thoroughly through Carex. 

 

“I thought she would never leave, great timing as usual, love,” he sighed, dropping the bottle carelessly into a draw and slamming it. “That bitch has been stalking around the building for the past week, but obviously since Pandora’s going back to work I haven’t been around. Little Luna’s been struggling with letting her go, you know? They’re inseparable when she returns-”

 

“What did she want?” Mary demanded, cutting off his rambling. “Please don’t tell me you’ve told her about this job?”

 

“What? Do you think I’m dumb?” He asked, raising a wispy eyebrow. “Of course not, it’s just that we haven’t released anything on the Gryffin's yet and she thinks she can get to them through my wife, which irritates me so much-”

 

“So she isn’t suspicious?” He shook his head and Mary sighed a breath of relief, slumping down in her seat familiarly. Xeno chuckled. 

 

“You’re so stressed.”

 

“Ah, well, it’s not everyday you meet one of the world’s biggest fucking sensations, is it?” She retorted. Xenophilius waved a hand in the air, dismissing the very claim. 

 

“Evans doesn’t bite.” He paused. “Unless provoked, but we haven’t said anything bad about her, we’ve never had any reason to.”

 

Mary swallowed and looked at the magazine clippings and texts layering the walls. Some of them were hers, many were his from when he hadn’t owned the Quibbler yet. 

 

The Quibbler was on par with some of the best out there- Vogue, Vanity Fair- but wasn’t the best . Back when magazine consumerism was at its highest, the Quibbler did very well, but since sales plummeted in recent years their magazine was struggling. The thing was, the Quibbler was very anti-provocation. They didn’t post celebrity rumours like the Prophet did, or like the Billboard. They cared for nothing but music, and so nothing scandalous had ever appeared in a Quibbler music paper.

 

Juicy scoops weren’t intriguing, it was mindless gossip, and Mary didn’t write gossip. She wrote stories, captivated people’s experiences in their own words and interpreted them into the world so celebrities became less idols but more human. That was what she did- or what she said she did, if any Quibbler sold anymore. They didn’t have a website, which maybe was a bad idea, but Xenophilius could barely handle his macbook at the best of times, so no one had ever bothered. A twitter and instagram page was enough, and they were low maintenance at best. 

 

Mary was still up and coming, she had only published three articles in the past two years of her official career, and she was slowly failing with scoops. 

 

But now Mary was.. Unpredictably going to handle a story of one of the most famous people in the world. 

 

If done right, their sales could skyrocket. And so would Mary’s career.

 

“What are you doing here anyway?” He asked. “Would have thought you were on your way to meet Narcissa right now.” There was a flicker and Mary looked down from the clippings to see her friend begin to light a cigarette. She quickly snatched the lighter from his hand and chucked it over his shoulder. “Hey!”

 

“You said you were quitting.”

 

“I didn’t say that to you, ” he whined, and took another one from his drawer. “You journalists, always putting their noses into things that concern them.” He said it with no spite however. She sighed, not bothering to exert herself again. Her knee was jolting up and down at breakneck speed, and she couldn’t concentrate. Her stomach was an ocean of turmoil.

 

“I don’t know why I’m here, guess I just want moral support.”

 

“Want me to come and hold your hand?”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

“That's why you have this job, and not anyone else,” Xenophilius laughed, high pitched and wide. “I’m sending you this.. Journey of self-making or whatever because I know that Lily’s going to love you.” Mary bit her lip, not enough to cut it but enough to know it was going to bruise later. 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well, I do know, and I’m your boss, so my word counts for the most part.” He succeeded in focusing the flame on the end of  the fag and placed it gently between his teeth as it smoked, grinning. “What’ve you got to lose?” 

 

Very much , Mary thought, but didn’t say it and instead turned the conversation towards Xenophilius inevitably showing her baby pictures. She did admit, Little Luna was adorable. 

 

***

 

Getting to Hog-Warts Industry only took a little over forty minutes, and so gave Mary enough time to have a hypocritical but no less shaky cigarette on the outside of the building. It was situated on the south side of Covent Garden, tucked away amongst the buildings. It was an old building, turret roofs, and Mary knew little context on the foundations, except for that a man called Dumbledore had revamped the place and had released his own single called “Order of the Phoenix” in 1954.. It hadn’t done very well. But since then it had produced countless numbers of artists and bands that had reached great heights- Dumbledore might not have had a knack for songwriting but he did seem to manage producing a little bit more.

 

The traffic lights on the corner turned to green and the cars rushed forward and a red bus honked its horn. The smoke was bitter on Mary’s tongue, and it instantly reminded her why she liked menthols better, but her pack had been mixed up with Emmeline’s and she had had no time to back and get it. 

 

There was a costa next to the lobby of Hog-Warts, but she had no stomach for coffee. Her hands were slightly trembling, and she was torn between whether it was the nicotine or whether it was the nerves that zig-zagged in her stomach. She settled for the fag being the issue, and so she dropped it to the ground and squashed it underneath her boot, deciding that that was enough for now. It had run to the filter anyway. 

 

When she looked for her gum in her bag, it was non-existent and she was instantly a figure of regret, looking up at the looming red, brick building. Then she took her best foot forward. 

 

The lobby was cold, AC rushing in at her from every angle, and she pulled her blazer tighter around her body. Despite the mediaeval look from the outside, the lobby was fairly modern, with marble walls and flooring. The receptionist’s desk was empty but the computer was up and running so she took the hint to wait around. Soon enough a woman whirled around the corner, brightly clothed and hair pulled up into a scarf. Her spectacles made her eyes look bug-like and Mary smiled, immediately feeling her nerves calm slightly. There was something about the way she bumbled around the corner, smelling distinctly of coffee and comfort, and when she caught sight of the journalist she smiled widely. 

 

“Mary McDonald, I presume?” She asked. 

 

“How’d you know,” Mary chuckled, still stiff. The receptionist held her smile in place. 

 

“It’s my job to know these things.” She took a seat on her spinny chair, waving around a little as she finally settled onto looking at the computer screen, over the tops of her glasses, her wrinkly eyes twitched as she searched the screen. “Here to see Mrs Malfoy?”  Mary hummed. “Fifth floor, you’ll find the lift on the right-” she gestured vaguely to the wooden panelled hallway to the right. “Would you like me to escort you?”

 

“Fifth floor?” The lady nodded. “I reckon I can find my way up.” She smiled and Mary smiled in return, hoisting her bag further up her shoulder. “Thank you.”

 

The building had six floors in general, but the sixth button was invisible so Mary picked the one with the red five on it and the doors closed around her. She felt awkward in the lift, trying to not make eye contact with the godforsaken camera which stared down at her singularly. She could hear it moving around and he felt very much observed. But then the doors dinged open and she was greeted with another lobby. This one was very dim, and was lit by three electric lamps that were situated in a triangle around the room. The receptionist was reading a smallish book and as the light flickered around the room, Mary realised that they weren’t electric at all, but instead they were small oil lamps burning brightly. 

 

There was a clearing of the throat, and Mary saw Narcissa Malfoy sitting on one of the reception’s plush couches lining the sides. She smiled, it was cold but polite and Mary swallowed her tongue to keep her from bumbling out something stupid. In that second, she felt like bowing in the presence of Mrs Malfoy was more appropriate than the hand she offered out as Narcissa rose from her seat like it was a throne. 

 

Malfoy was a stoic but kindly woman, who knew what her job was and knew how to do it right. She had, according to Mary’s sources and The Black Family biography, only started her career as an agent when she had turned 25, and soon enough scouted England’s Gryffins. She was tall, and the heeled boots she had on only made her taller so Mary had to stare up. Her lips were painted a bold red and when she smiled, all teeth, it was white. Her winged eyeliner threatened to cut Mary if she wasn’t submissive, and her stomach flipped so violently she thought she was going to be sick straight onto Narcissa’s Louis Vuitton boots. 

 

She thankfully wasn’t and Narcissa took her hand and shook once before letting go. Mary hoped her hands weren’t sweaty. 

 

“It’s lovely to meet you finally, Pandora has told me much about you,” she said, and then gestured to walk as they talked. “Pandora’s shared a lot about you with the girls, and they have shared that with me.”

 

Mary nodded, and told her that she was very excited to be working with them. Narcissa chuckled. “They say you’re the Quibbler’s best, and I look forward to that being proven. Ms Evan’s is awaiting us in this floor’s conference rooms- shall we join her?” Mary nodded and when Narcissa opened the door for her, it was slammed behind them.  

 

Her nerves raved in her heart and she kept up with Narcissa’s large strides sparingly, the heels on her and the long legs she was already granted with making her power walk awful to keep up with.“Mrs Malfoy, can I ask, in all honesty.. What am I actually signing up for?”

 

The hallway they were quickly reaching the end of was wooden panelled like the reception beforehand, and Mary didn’t have time to look out of the windows nor look at any of the art adorning the ancient walls. Narcissa looked at her. 

 

“Have you not already been briefed?” She asked. 

 

Mary swallowed thickly. “Yes, but I was wondering if there was anything else to be informed of before we.. begin our consultations.” The Gryffin’s agent paused and looked at her with an analysing look. 

 

“Ah,” she said. “Well, I might have to reiterate, if not for you but for my peace of mind that Ms Evans is not an easy person to get along with, and in the past, people, such as yourself, have come in and taken her statements and disregarded much of what she had mentioned in those previous interviews.” She paused so she could take in Mary’s reaction. The journalist struggled to keep her face neutral. 

 

“If I am to speak plainly, she does not like journalists, nor interviews and I will confidently warn you that she does not agree fully to what you are being assigned to do, Miss McDonald.” She huffed. “And neither does some of the Gryffins.”

 

“With all respect, ma’am, why am I doing this if this wasn’t fully agreed on.” 

 

Narcissa looked on the brink of snarling. “Because I am discontented of having my girls’ slandered at every turn, and Lily needs her story told whether she likes it or not. For too long has she had her name spat on and has not done anything fearing the backlash it would give her and her band, and quite frankly, everyone deserves to tell their story. She should be allowed to tell her story.”

 

Mary kept eye contact with the blond before blinking and nodding. 

 

“So write her story, Miss McDonald.” She strode down the hallway before finally reaching the door on the end, she put her hand on the handle and twisted it, letting an eerie smog float out. 

 

And there she sat, slouched on a spinny chair, shrouded with the glares of white light from the sky. Red flames amongst angry smoke. Nicotine suffocation. Black, smudged eyeliner and a beer bottle.

 

***

 

Here was the sitch- Mary had to follow around this rockstar for the three months, in the trailer with the band and backstage during the shows; in the green room as she drank herself stupid before going out and giving the world a show they’d never forget. She had to follow Lily Evans practically to the ends of the earth. 

 

Lily Evans- the narcissistic, self-obsessed riot. 

 

“I’m Mary.” 

 

“I know who you are,” she drawled, disinterested. 

 

Or that's what the tabloids had said. 

 

Falsehoods and radical explorations of a celebrity persona that had gone out of control, boiling her down to a bundle of nerve-ends and just sweet precious time before she imploded with the power of a volcano. The extremist, the face woman of The Gryffins. Mary looked at her, and wondered if she should be scared- but decided not to be. 

 

“I want you to know something,” Lily murmured and pushed herself forward so she was resting against the long conference table that separated them. Herself sat at the head, and Mary sat a few seats away. Space was the greatest motivator, and Mary could still smell the booze and the nicotine radiating off of her like strontium. She was a kettle which had only just started boiling but hadn’t whistled.

 

“I don’t like you.”

 

“You don’t know me.”

 

“I don’t need to know you to not like you.” She grabbed the bottle and trailed it to her lips, slightly smearing it against her bottom lip before taking a gulp. Lipstick left a print. There was an ashy pile of used up straights piled in a ceramic ashtray on the table as well- a tendril of smoke flying as one burned its way down to the filter.

 

“Didn’t you go to rehab- f-for drinking? Should you be drinking that?” There was a silence and Lily’s eyes, whatever colour they were underneath all that grimy makeup, cut to her like a cleaver. Mary swore internally, she had not meant to say that, that was not on her piece of paper, where was her piece of paper? Fuck-

 

Lily began to laugh. A slightly deranged sounding cackle, Mary told herself that there was a heartiness to it., somewhere underneath the bluster 

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She put the bottle down, pushing it away from her. 

 

“For the record, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want you here but my management thinks that having you here to.. tell-” she waved a hand in the air like this was all like the smoke in the air to her, filterable- “my ‘story’ -” She used her fingers to accentuate how much she didn’t believe that and let out a large sigh, thinking hard about her next words and gathering thoughts through her intoxicated mind. 

 

Mary shuffled a little further away. 

 

Lily Evans was supposed to be punk, metal, grungy- Mary knew nothing of what those words truly meant. She had been in the same room as the Black Brother’s who were two of the biggest stars in the world currently, and hadn't broken a sweat. But this whole thing? This whole idea was so insane she could taste the mania on her tongue. It was like liquorice. 

 

This Lily Evans tasted like red alarms, and the ringing of blood red bells. A warning sign: bold and capitalised. Italic.

 

“But I haven’t got a story, I only happen to be a female, who can play a guitar.” She spread her arms like she was bowing. Lily was frowning. 

 

“Well..” Mary faltered, she didn’t really know what to say but that didn’t particularly stop her. She licked her bottom lip and decided the best way to speak was to not look at who she was speaking to. Instead she deterred her eyes to stare out of the window just behind Lily’s head- the rising tower blocks, the theatres and the restaurants and the houses. She pretended that she could see her home- her mundane, plain, boring, dull home that had a faulty bathroom lock and the sexy roommate she was trying to get over. 

 

And then when she looked back at Lily she managed to look past the makeup and the corona in front of her, and she looked more at the way she picked at the rips on her jeans and how she had a little bit of mascara on the cheekbone rather than on her lashes. Mary tried hard and looked close enough to only look at what Lily was- which wasn’t the horrible monster who had broken the Marauder’s labrador's heart but instead a woman who had realised her loyalties and her love resided somewhere else. 

 

She was only a person, a woman, a musician. 

 

“Well.” When Mary spoke again, her voice was shaky but she had a new false-sense of confidence she hoped would manage to drag her to the finish line. “I can’t play an instrument, but I can write. I-” She dug her thumb nail into her hand to stop her from choking up. “I went to University to get a degree. I.. uhm..”

 

Lily kept staring at her. She concentrated on the mascara on her cheek. “I want to write your story.”

 

“I don’t like journalists.”

 

“That’s fine.” Lily’s look turned darker rather than careless.

 

“I don’t like you ,” she repeated. She didn’t seem to remember saying it before though.

 

“You don’t have to,” Mary murmured. “But I want to do this, I want to write your story, and I think you want me to. You do have a story, you must- you’re Lily Evans.”

 

“If you want a sob story then I’m sure someone else can entertain you. Marlene’s pretty fucked up-”

 

“I don’t want Marlene. A Mckinnon isn’t an Evans.” She stated and she thought she had said it with finality but Lily still looked ready to pounce, and pound her into the ground with her verbal lashes until they reached the bottom floor. 

 

“So what you’re saying is that Mckinnon doesn’t sell.” 

 

No, she would, but she’s not you.

 

She kissed her teeth and stood up, but Mary took her by the wrist- her confidence wasn’t there but her self-preservation was. She had to write this article, her paper needed this and she needed this. But most of all, when she looked at Lily and at the messy wreck she was, she knew that Evan needed this.

 

“I want to write your story, how you want me to,” she stated. Lily tugged her wrist but Mary still held it firmly, but kindly. “We have a little more than three months together, that's it- you won’t have to see me after that ever again, and if you don’t like what I write then- then it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it won’t be seen by anyone but me and you.” 

 

“What do you mean?” She growled. 

 

“What I mean is that no one will ever read it, because if you don’t like it then I'll burn it and it’ll never be published- you’ll never see me again, hear from me again, it’ll be like it never happened.” She breathed. “It’s only a month, nothing too bad. Just a month.”

 

“You’re willing to waste your time following me around, only to chuck it if I say I don't like it? Document when I shit, shoot and scream? Only to throw it away if I say no?”

 

“Of course. It’s your life, it should be your choice.”

 

Lily was still glaring at her, but she was now glaring directly at the hand that Mary had looped around her wrist. She took it off and settled into her seat again, Lily mirrored her, cocking a head to the side. She then finished the rest of the liquid in the bottle and slammed it back onto the conference table. It cracked a little at the bottom, but it didn’t break. It was sharp and Mary watched it carefully before she felt warmth up against her face. 

 

Lily had moved in close, eyes on hers and still there was too much darkness shrouding her eyes that there was no clear pathway into her soul. Mary wasn’t any shrink but she wasn’t stupid. There was something there. Something fierce and pulsing. She still had nerves but in the face of her fiercest adversary, Lily Evans was only an obstacle on her road to success. The rockstar grinned.

 

“Then buckle up, babe,” she said, leaning closer and closer, straight into Mary’s space. “Because that draft isn’t ever going to see the light of day.” 

 

We’ll see about that.

Chapter 2: i just want to feel fine

Summary:

the tour begins

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
i don't want to know

 

Mary felt hands on her as she packed her final pair of shoes into her suitcase. Obviously she had heard the front door open and close before, and the steady footsteps of Emmeline advancing onto her from behind her, and she had not moved a single inch. 

 

It was eight o’clock at night, and it was her last time being at home for the next months: the tour starting tomorrow as they wound their way up to Glasgow for the first concert. Her nerves were smelting steel and she was steadily and slowly replacing her reserves that had crumbled two days prior, when Lily Evans had signed off on their deal. 

 

A three months and a half's worth of travelling around with one of the world’s biggest rock bands. She could barely believe it. A twin tour with The Marauders which would eventually meet up for a dual concert that was scheduled to last three hours, following both bands in a mix of their music. It was strange, but it was a publicity stunt which would hopefully, with the help of Mary’s article in addition, permanently fix the reputations of both James Potter and Lily Evans (previously Potter). The past favourite couple of the globe.

 

Two days ago she had signed off on one of the biggest events of her life without batting an eyelid, determination filling her veins. But now she packed, truly wondering what she had gotten herself into. The paperwork was familiar, just going through an NDA until the article was printed and put out into the world to read.

 

She puffed out a breath of air as she stared down at her bags and the clothes still strewn across her bedding, but then Emmeline was on her and nibbling at her ear. 

 

“You smell nice,” she murmured into her ear, and Mary could feel the smile on her neck. “I could eat you up.”

 

“Well, I won’t lie, I did just shower,” Mary laughed and Emmeline chuckled too. 

 

“Mmm, good hygiene, sexy.” Mary laughed and the photographer turned her around and suddenly her lips were on Mary’s. Kissing Emmeline was always nice, and it was lovely to have someone to have fun with, despite Mary being painfully single. Emmeline took good care of herself- she went to the gym thrice a week, drank oatmilk and used this lip butter which she always tried to push onto Mary, but she was too much of a lip-biter to worry about keeping her lips in shape. 

 

Vance was still dressed in her clothes but soon enough Mary began to strip it off of her starting with her jacket. There was a thud as Emmeline pushed the case onto the ground. Mary was certain that half of the things inside of it had fallen onto the ground, but she found as it was the last time she was going to have this for a very long time, she would let it slide this once.

 

Tumbling onto the bed, amongst the clothes and the underwear and everything that was clean, Emmeline towered over her and stared breathlessly down at her. Sometimes looking at Emmeline, Mary was hypnotised. Maybe it was the beauty mark on her cheek or her plump lips, so tenderly soft that in that moment she just had to reach up and trace them with her thumb. 

 

This compelled Emmeline to follow her back in and a tongue with metal dragged across Mary’s bottom lip, making her open her mouth willingly so it could slip in gently. She hummed contently, and pushed her further into the mattress as if it was even possible. Mary found herself lost in bliss, as Emmeline moved down her cheek and down her neck- she bit and Mary squirmed, hands hooking around the back of the other’s knees and pulling her closer, until there was literally no space between them. 

 

“You’re so lovely, you know that?” Emmeline said, murmuring as she went around to her collarbone, opening up her shirt and biting around the chain that was about her neck. “So, so lovely.”

 

“Well, you’re just as sweet, and-” Mary flipped them around. Emmeline’s long dark hair shrouded over her and she looked just beautiful the way she was just right there and then. Her cheeks were darker and flushed and her eyes were lidded magnificently. There was a slight sheen to her lips where they had been snogging, and Mary cupped her jaw, tilting her head so that she was looking at nothing but her. 

 

“And?” Emmeline’s hands snaked around her sides and Mary felt insatiable. Warm fingers slowly slid up her ribs until they reached the back of her bra and unhooked them before delft pulling them down her arms under the shirt. “And, Macdonald?” 

 

“And you know my shirt’s still on right?” She murmured and Emmeline smirked. 

 

“Just means we’ll have to take that off then, right ?” Mary rolled her eyes but leaned back anyway so that she was sitting back in her lap. Slowly she unbuttoned the front of her shirt so that it was sagging off of her arms until it fell onto Emmeline’s legs. She seemed to gasp, and Mary almost faltered because she had never made that sound before, but there was no stopping, as the grip that the other had on Mary’s legs told her to never stop. Her bra was only simple, but it didn’t matter because it was cast aside as soon as it was free, and Mary sat still for a second as Emmeline just looked at her. 

 

There was something about sleeping with Emmeline which made it comfortable. 

Maybe it was because the way that they had been best friends for years had left no room for any sort of debate of discomfort. The way that Emmeline treasured her, even though they weren’t together, sent sparks flying in her stomach as she ran her hands over her. Cupping her tits and smiling at them like they were a pair of emeralds. Tracing her belly button piercing like it was the world's most gorgeous beauty mark, but always being gentle despite it being healed for over six years. 

 

And when they were finished, Emmeline pushed hair from Mary’s face and smiled. In normal cases, or cases in which two girls who were together slept together, it would have been the most perfect time for Emmeline to whisper an “I love you”, or “you’re beautiful”. 

 

But she didn’t, instead she just rose from the bed after giving her a peck on the lips and disappeared out of the door and a few minutes later Mary would hear the shower running, and wonder why Vance hadn’t asked her to join her. And then when she cleared the clothes off of her bed, and put the shirt she was wearing back on with her pants before climbing under the covers, the shower would finish and she would wait.

 

She didn’t have to get up until later that next day, she could sleep in, eat and then they would be on the road for 2:30pm. With her eyes on the ajar door of her room, and her lights off, Mary decided that she would wait until the bathroom light was off. Emmeline did not join her back in bed, but Mary didn’t notice until when she woke up the next morning, when the other half of her queen was cold and her feet had created rifts between the sheets and her duvet. 

 

***

 

Things were not easy the next day- The Gryffins were everywhere. It was on the tv when she turned it on while eating breakfast, it was on the radio in the car as Emmeline took part to the coach station- it was everywhere. When she opened her phone, it was bombarded with notifications debating the complexities of Lily’s character- so she hid it away. It still pinged in her pocket though. 

 

Narcissa was barely recognizable when Mary saw her outside of the building. Her blonde almost white hair was drawn up into a tight bun, the black streaks only peeking out just on the edges of her beret. Her lips were red and her eyes were winged, her face pale and complexion clear. She was wrapped up in an army trench, belt tied tightly around her waist and her sunglasses were low on her nose, but big enough on her face to be unrecognisable to the brief eyes.

 

She turned to Mary as she caught up to her and smiled at her, polite and fine, except for that Mary could see the chasm in her eyebrows. “Mary, good morning.”

 

“Morning,” she exhaled. It was obvious that Narcissa was not in a good mood. Her scowl was almost demonising.

 

“You were expected to be here ten minutes ago, so we could be settled and ready to leave by half past,” she sighed, and smiled, winking at the people at security before they were both let in without any other words. She sharply powered through the masses of people before Mary saw the inconspicuous coach at the far end of the port, the windows dark and tinted so that no one could see in. It was double decked but had race lines down the sides- no writing, no advertisement of the world’s best band onboard. 

 

“I’m sorry, no one specified,” Mary grunted out, and gave the woman a slight stink eye. Narcissa didn’t seem to pick up on the tone and continued to power walk past the other gates until they reached the one opposite their coach. It was already open for them as they came by, and Narcissa thanked the man stiffly and Mary offered him a smile, which he returned. 

 

“Hopefully everyone’s here by now,” she said, wrapping her knuckles onto the door and it flung open for her. She disappeared into the darkness.

 

The first thing that Mary noted about the inside was that it smelt like scented candles and rich perfume. Something intoxicating and smoggy, she breathed it in as much as she could before her nostrils got used to it. There was no doubt it was about to become her own smell, just like it was most likely the band members. It was dark passing the small seating area, six seats with three passing each other. The curtains were pulled, to stop any accidents and then Narcissa turned to go up the tiniest flight of stares. Mary looked at her bags and then asked what she had to do with them. 

 

“Leave them there if you can’t be bothered to pull them up just yet, I can ask Hagrid to do it if you want,” she said. The journalist felt guilty but she couldn’t be bothered to pull them up just yet, so left them underneath the kitchenette’s table, tucked hopefully out of the way. 

 

Upstairs was exceptionally brighter, and that's when Mary lost her breath as she recognised every single person that was in the room. 

 

Alice Fortescue- vocals- sat with her feet up on the seat’s cushions. She wasn’t as young as the others, a little or few years older, nearing the 29th year of her life. She was still beautiful though, eyes wide and her hair short, choppy and cut around the edges. She had acute acne scars littering her jaw and her forehead, but nothing of substantial evidence. She looked at Mary and Narcissa when they came in, and her eyes fogged slightly when she gazed upon her manager. There was something that changed in her face, from joking around with the rest of the band to something more subdued- a glimmer of excitement in the iris of her eye. 

 

Dorcas Meadowes- percussion- looked just as ethereal as she had in her photos and articles written on her already. She was vaguely quiet in the media, and only came from a quiet background in the suburbs of the city, borderlining on Essex. Nothing much else was known of her, except for that she had a penchant for drumming loudly and brashly. You couldn’t have guessed, but there was something about her which shouted at her. The most quiet had the loudest auras. 

 

But Marlene- bass- beside her regarded Mary with an inscrutable gaze. She was the second most famous of the troup, next to Lily on her podium. She was known widely, since she was the one who was well on her way of being successful before she joined the Gryffin’s. The power of social media, Mary supposed, or perhaps the encouragement of her nepotism. Marlene was similar to Lily, except for that she had already gone through everything she had and instead of spiralling down just like Evans had, she had found her ground and opposed everything in favour of progressing herself (Dorcas just happened to be a catalyst for the self-improvement). 

 

They all regarded her calmly, possibly excluding Marlene, and Alice was the first to introduce herself. “Mary!” She bounded up to her like they were already best friends and clasped both of the journalist’s hands in her own. “It’s so nice to meet you, finally, I’ve heard so much about you that it feels like I already know who you are!” 

 

Mary smiled. “It’s nice to meet you too,” she said. “I’m very excited to become acquainted with you.”

 

“Oh, stuff the small chat, we’re about to live together for the foreseeable future.” Mary’s smile dimmed a little as she flushed, looking down at the hands holding hers. Alice radiated energy, warmth and comfort, she reminded her a lot of Xenophilius, but maybe a little more on the conforming side of things. Her smile was much nearer to Pandora’s than anything- and then Mary realised that that would make sense, considering that Pandora used to be in the Gryffins before they had kicked off. 

 

Narcissa cleared her throat. “Maybe give her some space, Fortescue,” she coughed. “She needs time to become acquainted with everything.” Alice’s inviting smile turned to a sly one. Alice’s smaller height made her look effectively harmless to Narcissa- but it did nothing as a glorious tension crackled between them and made Mary feel smaller than she had ever been between them.

 

“That's what I’m doing, Malfoy, making her acquainted.” It lasted for an illusionary five seconds until Narcissa ripped her eyes off of Alice and looked back to the sofa, seemingly remembering she was on the clock.

 

“Wait, where’s Evans?” She demanded. She wasted no time with answers and whirled around, storming into the bunk’s area. Dorcas tutted and stood up from her seat, coming to lean against the doorway. Standing beside her, Mary now knew how tall she was. How gorgeous she was up close- those words couldn’t even compensate for the way her face was significantly placed. 

 

“She wanted to go to the shops for something to eat, Hagrid went with her.”

 

“She’s not allowed to leave the coach, she knows this,” Narcissa said icily, coming back to the living room and spanning down the stairs, disappearing. Dorcas turned to Mary and gave her a once over, before smiling. 

 

“You’re pretty cute,” she said nonchalantly, and went back to the couch where Marlene’s outstretched arm looked like the edge of a jigsaw puzzle, comfortably fitting around the drummer’s shoulders. 

 

“How long have you been working at the Quibbler?” The bassist asked. Mary took a second to realise she was being directly spoken to. 

 

“Oh, like, three years?”  She murmured, Alice’s hand on her shoulders and directing her towards the sofa where she sat next to her. Mary squeezed herself together, in hopes she wasn’t being too much of an inconvenience. 

 

“Only for the Quibbler? I haven’t read much of your stuff,” she said, a billow of vapour erupting into the air. It drifted into Mary’s face, and Marlene looked slightly smug with herself before Alice wafted it out of her eyes.

 

“Not funny, Marls,” she said. “You can’t do that here, you know that. You shouldn’t be doing it at all .”

 

“Allow her some guilty pleasures,” Dorcas said, giving Marlene a look with which Mary could just not interpret as anything but devoted .

 

“You’re such a bad influence,” Alice huffed, resting back and picking the nail polish on her nails.

 

Marlene’s gaze had not left Mary though, and it was obvious she was still waiting for an answer. 

 

“My stuff isn’t published all that much,” she explained, shrugging. “I stick to editing, mainly, but my job is to write. I just.. Don’t.” She frowned at herself. “This is a new experience for me.”

 

“Not to be dismissive,” Dorcas began and Mary was captivated by her silky voice. “But I think this is a new experience in general, I’ve never heard of someone else doing this.”

 

“Yeah, and you would have thought that they would have given the task to someone a little more experienced,” Marlene muttered and Dorcas elbowed her. Alice turned to give her a roar of disapproval, but Marlene didn’t seem to give a shit. Mary swallowed. 

 

“I might not seem like I know what I’m doing, but this story that I’m writing- it’s not just Lily’s. This piece is going to include you as well as Lily, and it’s going to focus on your relations with her. If.. If you’re not open, then I’m going to not be able to write this the way it should be.” The ladies looked at her- Dorcas with something akin to approval and Alice with contentment. Marlene gazed, sucking on her e-cigarette with an air of detached interest. “This is easily about you, as well as Lily.”

 

She turned to look at Alice, as well, hoping that she wasn’t only focusing on the couple in front of her. They gazed at her with too much in their eyes, loaded stares and she felt put on the spot. Alice thought Narcissa and the odd, tense aura that came with her absence, looked at her with honesty. “We appreciate that.” 

 

The other two couldn’t say anything in reply when there was a loud scream from outside the coach, and Alice raced to the window and tore the curtains apart.

 

It seemed like from the outside, there was now a large crowd moving down the gateways, a small gap forming every now and then as police in security hi-vis vests pushed others back. There was shouting and Alice swore. 

 

“What an idiot,” Marlene chimed, leaning back from looking interested but Mary could still see her casting little glances. Their gate to their coach port had been shut, but there was a bigger forming crowd trying to get into their bus now. Security had formed a weak line of defence, and was trying to get them further away. It was obvious that they were to stay exactly where they were right now, but Mary still felt like they were about to be swarmed by the male and female fans shouting behind the gates. It was obvious that all other gates had been shut for a moment, and Mary was in awe by how much chaos one redhead could have caused. 

 

Down by the crowd there was a flash of red, and a flash of light, and Dorcas tutted. None of them seemed all that shocked by the amassing of people, and none of them made any moves. It was like they realised that if they steered clear from the windows and the doors down below then no one else would be the wiser of their location. It seemed like it was par for the course nowadays. 

 

“Does this happen a lot?” Mary asked anyway, possibly foolishly, but she was curious. Dorcas shrugged. 

 

“Sometimes,” she said. “It’s very rare that this many fans are in the same place at once, but during the show last night was yesterday and Alice did slip where we were getting started from.” There was a slight jab there but Alice said nothing to it, alluding it to be a common occurrence. Before Mary had come here, she had been under the impression that the Gryffin’s were a close unit, but… it felt like there was a divide. A divide between Alice and Narcissa, between Marlene, Dorcas and Alice. But maybe this was how they showed their affection. 

 

Mary wasn’t sure whether she wanted to see Lily in the mix. 

 

Finally, it was clear as Lily and Narcissa reached the bus as their gate opened and they both rushed inside. Lily stumbled slightly, and the door downstairs opened obviously as they entered. 

 

Nothing happened for a second but then the engine started and they began to pull out of the lot with a speed Mary wasn’t sure was allowed in the station, but their bus driver made it seem effortless. 

 

Alice bounded down the stairs, leaving the others behind, and Dorcas disappeared into the bunks. That left Marlene with Mary, who was looking at her with acute interest. 

 

“Don’t you want to go and comfort the subject  of your true objectification?” It was snide but Marlene didn’t seem afraid to hide her true intentions. Interrogation and infiltration of the mind- she was like a lion trailing around the confines of Mary’s psyche. Wanting to trick her into admitting something she didn’t want to say.

 

If Mary was confident in her abilities, she might have let that comment slide past. But unfortunately, she was weak, and did not take well to judgement.

 

Mary gave her an insulted look. “Is she not used to that by now?” She said callously and Marlene's eyes narrowed a little. 

 

“ Past events never make present ones any less triggering, ” she said and Mary felt a little scorched by her hot remark. It must have been obvious in her body language when Mary resigned, as Marlene seemed to reserve her emotions once more:  “but you must be half right, of course. Lily barely goes a day sober nowaday, her cereal is basically just a bowl of champagne nowadays. Indulgence is the demon of her ways.”

 

Mary held her tongue and ashamedly looked to her hands gathered in her lap. Marlene tapped her on the shoulder. “Oh, don’t make that face,” she chastised. “How are you to know how things affect us, it’s not like you’re followed at every turn.”

 

Her dismissal (not an apology) made Mary no less embarrassed of her comment. She opened her mouth and then closed it, trying to think of the right words before asking: “doesn’t it get easier?” 

 

She meant no harm by it but it didn’t change the way that ignorance seemed to provoke Marlene into being even more meaningful with her words. 

 

“If it did, you wouldn’t be here right now,” Marlene said carelessly, “you would be at your desk, writing painless little paragraphs which wouldn’t be published.” This hurt and Mary was aware of how it showed on her face. 

 

“It’s my job,” she bit. “The Quibbler has never published any harmful articles about your band or any other band in the industry. We write about attributes not misconceptions- I-” she bit her tongue before deciding to give herself the satisfaction. “I’m sorry, I might not seem to know what I’m doing, but I know what my job is, I’m not dumb, or naive. I’m learning- not like you would know of such a thing.”

 

There was quiet and Marlene weighed the patience of Mary’s words. 

 

It was a little ridiculous, strangers bearing their fangs at each other like this, an absence of honour. Mary felt ashamed once more and sighed. “I know my article won’t be enough to get people off of your backs, off of Lily’s, but I am going to try to stop the backlash. I don’t know what happened amongst you all, but- I’m willing to listen to face adversity.”

 

There was a pause and then Marlene sighed, standing up and holding a hand out to shake Mary’s hand. A little shaken by Marlene’s obtuse way of ‘ forgive ‘n’ forget ’, Mary took it limply but her hand was straightened out by a good firm shake. Marlene smirked, her lip ring ridged from the strain. “I see you, MacDonald- but we have a lot of work to do until you get into my good books.”

 

“I’ll try?” Mary knew she sounded unsure but there was something there that she could work with. 

 

“It should be easy, I’m a forgiving person by nature,” she answered cockily before letting go. The bassist disappeared downstairs and when Mary looked back out of the window they were already on the motorway. 

 

***

 

Lily didn’t bother coming to see Mary that evening and instead went straight to the bunks and crashed; the others and Mary had a dinner of soba cup-noodles. They pulled into a 24-hour rest station so the bus driver, who apparently went by Hagrid could eat with them. This was interesting, and Mary asked a few questions, and it turned out that he had been their driver since their band coach was only a repurposed caravan. Dorcas and Alice told her stories of their past tours, sometimes when they had left one behind. 

 

It was obvious they had preferred their tours before they had turned into a sensation, and there was nostalgia in their words. Narcissa, as well as eating nothing, said nothing, and her tapping on her laptop caused a little too much bickerings between her and Alice. Their first concert, which was the next night, meant that they had enough time to get to Glasgow and enough time to waste- which Narcissa instead translated as: enough time for Lily to tactical chunder all of the alcohol out of her body, she was not a fan of Marlene suggesting that it was cheap to think she was going stay sober enough to chunder. 

 

“I thought you spoke to her,” she said, not even looking up from her macbook. Marlene shrugged.

 

“When has she ever listened to me?” She scoffed, and slurped up her noodles. The chopsticks in her hands slipped and she dropped them on the carpet, swearing she picked them up quickly. Dorcas patted her back kindly, before offering her own. Marlene smiled before swapping them. 

 

Mary thought it was odd how these rich individuals (excluding Narcissa) were eating the cheapest noodles they could have found at the convenience store. She looked at Narcissa, who had a cup of something red by her elbow and was looking deeply at the work she was doing on her laptop. She paid no mind so much to the spicy smells of the room- but sometimes Mary caught her looking at herself, and she wondered what that was about. 

 

All together, the journalist still remained very much out of her element. The whole situation felt so surreal it was like she was barely there, but only a shadow in the corner. It didn’t take too long until Hagrid excused himself for bed, his room separate from the girls’ and by the looks of it much more private. A nap, he said, would do him well before they finally set out for Glasgow again- with the night nearing 12, Mary knew it would still be a few hours before they began making headway once more. 

 

Alice excused herself for an early night, lightly complaining about her eye bags as she disappeared into the communal bathroom and after finishing up on her laptop, Narcissa excused herself shortly afterwards. Once they had gone, Mary found herself feeling slightly uncomfortable to be around Marline, and Dorcas, because of earlier and as well as the fact that they seemed to want some alone time with each other, so she ordered herself to go for some fresh air (and a cigarette). 

 

The air was cool once she was out, and despite the black cars which had security in them distanced about the rest of the car park, the place was almost empty sparing a few lorries about the entrance. The 24-hour gas station was luminous in the dark lands and it made Mary’s eyes strained in the darkness.

 

She sat herself on the edge of the bus’ doorway, not feeling in the way, and lit her fag. It was dim in the darkness and she inhaled the smoke quickly as she held the flame to the end, making sure it worked. Her pack was running low. Mary had never been a smoker, but considered herself a social one. She had taken it up when her friendship with Xenophilius began, but since then it had just proved itself to be a bad habit instead and pulled at her fraying edges when she was nervous or when she regularly found herself out of her own depth. Like this. 

 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her socials. Already Emmeline had messaged her twice since dropping her off at the station this afternoon. Their conversation in the car had been stilted, partially because Mary didn’t want to be in the car. Emmeline had been politely forceful, about how it was going to be her last time seeing the other in a very long time- Mary didn’t feel like she had to point out that that was untrue, as she was going to be back in London a few more times across the next few months to maybe wash some things and then she would catch the train to wherever they were. It had been her plan from the start- but considering how flippant Lily was being she was beginning to wonder how much time she was actually willing to waste with the rockstar. 

 

It was stupid really. Them sleeping together wasn’t supposed to be anything more than just.. Mutual attraction, but the more it happened the looming figure of desire for more was haunting Mary. She told herself that she didn’t want Vance to join her in bed last night, and she told herself that that morning she was not disappointed in not finding her next to her. 

 

It was stupid.

 

Nonetheless, there was a moment of deliberation as Mary stared at her contact before hitting the call option and held it up to her ear. She flicked the cigarette impatiently, watching wasted drags float slowly to the ground before being swept up in the breeze. The phone rang for a while and it inevitably went to voicemail. Mary didn’t know what else she expected as she returned back to her socials. 

 

The Daily Prophet was going mad on twitter, all of their posts consisted of clips from the Minister’s show that the Gryffins had done the night before. She scrolled through their profile for a while until she spotted one with Lily as the core thumbnail and clicked onto it. The video was blurry ever so slightly, and was clearly taken by an amateur, most likely someone from the crowd, but it focused solely on Lily. 

 

She looked ratty and tired, her red hair choppy and perfect as usual. Just as she always had- there was black eye make up making her eyes almost inscrutable and deeper than usual. There was something about the way she sat, off to the side and leaning to Marlene, who was barely visible in the video but Mary could make it out it was her by the abundance of freckles on her exposed shoulder and choppy blond hair. She had a white mug in front of her, not a bottle of water like most talk shows. Mary knew for a fact that it wasn’t just coffee in it. 

 

She sighed before swallowing her dignity and clicked on the video. It was crackly, but the sound was fairly decent. She pulled it closer to her so she could hear it without blasting it out. 

 

“I’m sure everyones dying to know more of your media choices on this tour, me specifically. It’s not very usual for a band like yourselves to receive no interviews and release no statements. Surely, we only wonder what's going on.”

 

There was a rumble of agreement from the audience.. Off camera Alice’s voice announced loudly: “we are not planning on doing any press releases, nor interviews until the final stretch of our tour. This is only to keep privacy for privacy’s sake and to make sure that we girls don’t become too overwhelmed with all of your support-” there was a tactical giggle. Alice was good at her giggles, Mary herself felt more inclined to her 

 

“Yes, but why?” Cornelius’ voice felt patronising through the screen and Mary realised why Xenophilius had refused to work with him on many occasions. He was nothing more than a figurehead than a journalist- his biographies were phoney and his persona even phonier. She felt her right eye twitch.

 

On the screen the redhead was smirking and chuckling. She leaned into Marlene before her and whispered something into her ear. The other nudged her, but the unsteadiness of the camera displayed her perfect smile, and she clearly thought what Lily said was funny.

 

“Well, uhm, we are just out of touch with what our fans are like nowadays. We just want to make sure we can still live up to their expectations like we used to.” 

 

“ Of course, of course, and I’m sure you will, Alice, I’m sure you will.”  Mary could almost sense the creepy hand that lingered on Alice’s too long. Lily’s jaw was tense now, all light of humour gone from whatever position her eyes were crinkled into beneath her shadowy 

 

“For Miss Evans, I'm wondering, like I'm sure everyone is wondering if the sudden divorce meant problems at home?”

 

The sound that was made after that was awful enough for Mary to turn the sound down, making her start a little. It was an uncomfortable mix between outrage and goading, there had clearly been an obscene amount of journalists who were interested in such a thing. Mary felt sick, and suddenly regretted being a journalist herself. It was such an obscene question. 

 

But Lily held the mic that had been relegated to her face, the mic squeaking. She looked at her audience with hooded eyes. Immediately a lot more phones and cameras were visibly in the tiny screen of the phone, surrounding her like a foreshortened accidental renaissance. Mary found herself jittery for her answer. 

 

“ It wasn’t very sudden, Cornelius,” she said quietly and pleasantly. If Mary hadn’t met her before then she would have also been disillusioned with politeness, but her voice had the lilt in it like when she had been round her the other day, signing the papers. Hellfire laced. “ And I’m afraid that I don’t feel confident in my capabilities to answer such an important question.”

 

“Then perhaps could you tell me- were you, maybe, feeling unsatisfied? After being married for so long?” His laugh was bellowing. “ I certainly find myself thinking married life is monotonous from time to time. My children remind me of that every day, rascals.” Mary thought that his humour was heavy with misogynistic undertones, and she bit her lip out of anger for Lily herself. 

 

How were any of these questions fair?

 

There was a pause as Lily carefully analysed his trick for a while and then she painted her mask on. “ Thankfully, in the five years we were together, he wasn’t inept in making me happy otherwise I certainly wouldn’t be admitting to it-”

 

“I’m sure you wouldn’t! Probably couldn’t in fact, James Potter is such a fine specimen I wouldn’t mind a slice of him myself-” 

 

“I wasn’t finished.” There was a pause. “Thank you, as I was saying, if you hadn’t interrupted me, it’s not much of anyone’s business how much he succeeded in bed-” there was a murmur from the crowd as she cut to the chase and bluntly announced what they had all been thinking. Beside her, Marlene’s hand took hers, which might have been a display of support but Mary knew it was a warning to stick to the script they had been given beforehand. “- but if you want a piece of him, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. As for my-” 

 

A brown hand reached over and snatched the microphone she had been holding out of her hand- this only seemed to anger Lily further as she wrestled. Dorcas seemed to try and prevent the outburst, but her bandmate’s anger had already left effects as there was an uneasy smile on Fudge’s face when the camera caught a glimpse of him. 

 

“As for my son!” Lily almost seemed to shout, urgency in her voice. “I can tell you, that he is no interest of yours and from me and him to you, kindly fuck off.”

 

The crowd turned into something similar to a riot as she stood off, taking her mug by the handle and carrying it off stage, followed closely by her security guard. And once the video cut off, going black as it seemed to be knocked out of their hand, Mary felt victoriously justified by the uncouth behaviour. 

 

She held the phone in her hands and thought, silent for a moment in the car park. Mary had always thought Lily’s behaviour to be a persona- nowadays she just thought it obvious, but there was truely something majestically rock n roll about her which made her think about everything she did. How her hair was a mess, how she never seemed to clean her makeup off, how she always seemed to be dressed in black or the darkest shades of red and grey. She never seemed fake, not when Mary had seen her and spoken to her.

 

“Mary Macdonald, I thought you were honest,” a voice chimed behind her and Mary jolted, holding her phone closer to her chest as if she had been caught out. Behind her, Lily stood staring down at her. Her signature leather jacket was draped around her shoulders, wear and tear obvious by the gangly elbows and the labels were browning with age; her gaze was focused and Mary was put on the spot. If Lily was of Greek Myth then she would have been one of ovid’s gorgons- too beautiful to look away but too dangerous to linger.

 

Her boots beat the steps as she fell into the spot beside Mary. There was very little space between them, and if it wasn’t for the leather she knew that she could have felt her body heat.

 

“I am honest.”

 

“Yet you’re hiding what you were watching?” 

 

“I can’t help it, it’s everywhere,” she muttered, almost to herself and almost pouting. She took a drag of the fag so she had something to do with her hands. “You’re everywhere.”

 

“Hmm.” There was a pause. Then Mary looked at Lily. She looked at her and then down to the cigarette in Mary’s hand. The journalist, out of intimidation and courtesy, held it up in offering. Lily smirked. 

 

“Cheers, bird,” she thanked, taking a long drag and then flicking the excess onto the ground. There was another pause. “You don’t speak much, do you?” 

 

Mary looked at her and then off to the lights ahead. “What do I have to say that would be of any interest to you?” She asked, feet shuffling gangly around on the asphalt. 

 

“Nothing, I guess.”

 

That didn’t help her confidence.

 

“But this isn’t a one way street,” Lily continued. “I think if we do want to make this.. Shit-of-a-deal work , then it can’t just be take, take, take, can it?” 

 

Mary looked at her. In the dim light, all of Lily’s hard edges softened and she seemed.. Pale but angelic. Her nose was button, and rounded neatly on the end. Her lips, albeit thin, were long and unharmed. She didn’t seem to pick or bite at them, and she didn’t seem to pick or bite at her nails either, Mary noticed as the other’s fingers curled softly on the cigarette. Her curtain fringe draped onto her forehead, obscuring where her eyes were directed. 

 

The only smart question Mary could think of to ask though was: “are you sober?”

 

Lily snickered, shaking her head. “It’s been known to happen,” she said, slyly before adding: “It's wearing off but don’t tell Narcissa, she might think it’s your doing and stake a claim on you. You’d be the band’s pet in no time, you’d never see the Quibbler again.”

 

Mary sighed, feeling self conscious and debating her next words carefully. Being in Lily's presence managed to make her stomach tumble uncomfortably, and there was the weird way that speaking to Lily was as easy as it was difficult. Two days ago she had been an apathetic mess, and now she was spilling truths? Scorch Mary for being sceptical, but it was too hard to keep up to date with Lily. “Sorry, I always seem to fumble my questions.”

 

Lily regarded her for a second before shrugging. “No worries,” she mused. “Only, don’t get too used to this. Hopefully I’ll be tanked again tomorrow, so might as well make the most of my conscious mind now, or forever hold your peace.”

 

“There's nothing to know about me though,” Mary fought. “I only write, I live with a flatmate in Ealing, I’m lactose intolerant and I always carry a pack of marlboros around with me despite the fact I rarely smoke.” Lily looked at her and seemed to drink in that information.

 

“I don’t need to know anything,” she said, taking another drag. The fag was slowly coming to the end of it’s short life, and it glittered in the dark. Mary watched it twirl. “Quite frankly, I don’t think there is much for me to know about you.”

 

“I did say that,” she bit dumbly. “I wish there was nothing to know about you.” She hadn’t noticed what she’d said.

 

“Oh, if wishes did come true.” There was a pause and Mary exhaled. “Go on, entertain me.”

 

Mary gave her a dead look but gave it anyway. “My life’s a tragedy, and it will continue to be so when this is all over.” 

 

“Not what I was expecting, but I’ll take it,” she said, remaining disinterested- but then her face twisted and she made a horrible pout with her lips. There was a still air to the conversation and Mary bit her lip. 

 

“On the Ministry..” She started and continued when Lily did nothing but stare at her through shrouded eyes. “Why do you act like that?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Defensive. If you don’t want to answer something surely you could be just left alone.”

 

“You really don’t seem to get it, do you?” Lily demanded, turning slightly so her body was facing her. “If these people, who you’ve never spoken to in your life before, started saying things about you, rumours, god knows if they are true or not, what would you do? What would you do when a whole community, hundreds, maybe thousands, started accusing you of things you had never done.”

 

“I would tell them that they were wrong.”

 

“And what if they didn’t believe you?” She asked, cynically.

 

“I would find someone to believe me.” Lily puffed her cheeks out in disbelief and rolled her eyes. She rested her head back onto the frame of the door and closed them. The wind whispered into her hair for a second before she opened them. Mary swallowed. “Those rumours.. They aren’t true are they?”

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

 

She gritted her teeth. “Do you ever just simply answer a question?” 

 

“Would you take my word for it?”

 

Yes.  

 

She didn’t say a thing. Lily smirked and shook her head, turning to look out to the black cars dotting a perimeter around their bus. She sucked in another drag, there wasn’t much of it left. 

 

“My head hurts,” she mumbled, almost whining but Mary should know better than to describe Lily Evans as winey. She pulled her knees up so the edge of her boots brushed Mary’s thigh and then rested her arms up on them, burying her face into the crooks. Smoke wafted over the journalist.

 

“That's what happens when you turn lucid, you get the aftermath of your chosen effects.”

 

“Even more reason to stay drunk forever,” she said, but her words were muffled by the arms that had come up around her head. 

 

The stars weren’t visible tonight, they were still too close to civilization and the smog of the city for it to make any change. Mary, who had never been anywhere further from one city to another in her life, wondered if there was a chance if they would be visible up in Scotland. The trek there seemed to not be worth it, with the way Lily was advancing, but there was a chance she could pull through by their concert. 

 

“Why do you drink?” She asked. 

 

“Why do any of us?” She replied snidely but Mary gave her a stern look. 

 

“I gave you up a bit of myself, give me up some of you.” Lily shook her head, further into the crooks of her arms. But she sighed resentfully, and her voice came out like a muffled whisper.

“It’s easier to play things off when you’re drunk than sober, easier to pay less attention to things than it would be if you’re sober.” She mumbled something else but it was much quieter than anything else she had said, and Mary found no will in her to delve that far into Lily’s cold embrace. She was already being open with her now, it was taking all of Mary not to gawk and call Xenophilius in begrudged celebration that perhaps, just maybe, he was right, that this would work out after all. 

 

“You’re being honest?”

 

“There’s no point lying to you,” she said, resting her chin on her arms instead of burying her face. “By o’clock tomorrow I'll have forgotten and it will be less of a blip in my memories the time I’m on stage.”

 

“You’re insatiable,” Mary accused. 

 

“And you’re lactose intolerant, who’s the weaker one now?” The rockstar grinned and Mary flushed, feeling vulnerable. She said nothing to it, and in fact turned her head the other way. Lily took another drag from the cigarette and after this token Mary decided to take it back. It was expensive shit, and she didn’t want it to be wasted on the rockstar pain-in-the-ass, so once she got it back she inhaled hard, the smoke testing the backs of her throat and the top of her nostrils. She did it again and then exhaled, biting back the cough like her life depended on it. 

 

Lily only watched her bemused.

 

***

 

The next morning when Mary woke up, the bus was a juddering mess which made it much more difficult to navigate, but she did so anyway, feeling it important. She dressed before she headed to the kitchenette and mimic-living room, wearing the jeans she had on yesterday and a hoodie she had won off of a charity raffle. Dorcas and Marlene spoke in hushed tones which died obviously when Mary entered the room, but she didn’t take it in her stride, as she sat down, greeting them politely. 

 

“Did you sleep well?” Dorcas asked, her hip resting against the counter. It was obvious they were used to life on tour, both were still in their pyjamas, and Mary noticed their pairing bunny slippers. 

 

Mary nodded but didn’t help her case when she yawned. Marlene grinned. 

 

“It takes a while to get used to sleeping while driving, but once you get used to it it’s some of the best sleep of your life,” she said, whilst taking a sip of her coffee. Then there was a jolt and it plopped in her cup, she coughed slightly, but thankfully none of it was spilt. Dorcas laughed. 

 

“Well, I could agree but Marlene's snoring ruins it for me,” she said, and pulled the kettle off of its port before pouring the water only halfway in her mug before setting to work on another mug of tea as she asked. 

 

“I don’t snore,” Marlene argued. “I just breathe loud, and you’re a light sleeper. Everything keeps you up.”

 

“You snore babe, just admit it,” Dorcas teased, and set the other mug across from Mary and pushed it forward. 

 

It was no secret that Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene were together- in fact they were leading patrons in London Pride every year, and were known to be loyal philanthropists for many homeless and LGBT+ charities. They were icons, and brilliant, and how Mary saw them now, in complete adoration of each other. Marlene rested her head on her girlfriend’s hip, and kissed it sweetly. Mary averted her eyes, not wanting to come across as nosy, and drank her tea, which Dorcas had gotten spot on despite Mary not being overly fond of PG tips. 

 

“Where are we?” She inquired, looking out of the bus’s windows. The windows had been drawn back to allow natural sunlight through the tinted windows. The rest of the world passed by in a rushing blur, and the sun was still low in the greying sky. Dorcas mused for a moment. 

 

“We just passed through the Scottish borders, so not too far off from our destination,” she said. “But Hagrid’s been on the road for a little too long now, so I think he might make a stop.”

 

“Isn’t it only an hour to the venue?” Mary asked, but Marlene rolled her eyes.

 

“He's been at it since half five, give him a break.” There was a small padding of footsteps and all three looked to the staircase where Lily appeared in the doorway. She still wore what she had on the night before when speaking to Mary, and the ever present make up was there on her eyes. 

 

She had brushed her hair, and taken off her bra, but that was about it. The ripped jeans were still on her person like it was a second skin and her t-shirt was more wrinkled from a night of tossing and turning. It looked like she hadn’t acclimated to sleeping on a moving vehicle yet either. She stumbled over to the kitchen sink and inhaled a pint of water before she even had a chance to drown.

 

“I feel sick,” she gurgled. Dorcas went over and cooed, stroking at her hair and her cheek. 

 

“Maybe wash your face and once we stop, take a shower?” She suggested. 

 

“Real rockstars don’t take showers,” she said, with no real malice and hopefully no real honesty. A thumb swiped at her under eyes and she squirmed, trying to escape the hold of Dorcas’ soft hand. She sort of mewled, her eyes collecting under strain but she didn’t collectively pull herself away, Dorcas’ hands were still present on her triceps. 

 

“Good thing we’re still getting back into the groove then,” Dorcas chimed. That's when Lily pulled back properly, giving her a disdainful glance. Dorcas gave her a disapproving frown when she opened the cupboard, popping the child caps like it was second nature. She pulled out a bottle of vodka and then a mug from the same cupboard- bright white and cracks in the porcelain. 

 

She was gone quicker than she came, disappearing upstairs and once they had stopped for a quick pitt break, she had disappeared completely. Like smoke.

 

***

 

Later on that night, when Mary could feel the thrumming bass through the balls of her feet, and the drums echoed in the case of her ribcage, she knew that whatever this was was the right choice. It wasn’t for the free tickets, or the hype she would get from being associated with these A-Listers- but the experience of seeing pale, spindly but firm fingers slide up and down the frets, singing sweet sweet music to a mass of thousands. The opening tune of the night was a simple one, and one loved by many. 

 

Mary didn’t listen to music much, but even she found herself excited to witness more, and the words reverberated in her head like the harmonious moans of heaven’s own angels. Of course- they weren’t as pure. Everyone knew just about that much. 

 

Alice stepped up to the podium, becoming visible as she let out the words everyone knew: “ You put your hands under my shirt, undid my bra and said these words- ” Mary sucked in a breath. “ ‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty, it hurts!” 

 

Marlene saddled up against her and if Mary wasn’t so enraptured she would have noticed her ears going almost deaf from the screaming she was receiving from the rest of the crowd.. Yet Mary found it difficult to actually pay attention to them, to any of the rest of them when the redhead on the end in front of her stole all of her attention. 

 

“ You pushed me up against my wall!”

 

It was as if Lily had gone in search of Mary, and when their eyes met, vesuvius erupted and sent hot lava trailing down her stomach. 

 

“Threw my clothes down on the floor-”

 

Lily was like a beacon on the stage. Her crimson weapon shining enamel in the lights of the stage, illuminating her like the flame she was. Something beautiful, something magnificent, something different.

 

“‘Darlin’ are you ready for more?”

 

She blew a kiss into the crowd and as she burned, they burnt with her. 

Chapter 3: rock on gold, dust woman

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
gold dust woman

 

The end Glasgow’s show came Edinburgh, and the end of Edinburgh’s final show came with a rowdy applause that almost shook the entire stadium. Mary was a part of it still, sticking to the side of the mainstage and attempted to stay out of the moshes. The lights cut onto the victorious faces of the fans and they gleamed with excitement for one last song. Alice was already shouting their thank yous. It didn’t take too long until they were ushered offstage, the crowd still chanting their name loudly. Mary was already backstage by then and Dorcas was the first one to greet her while Alice immediately gravitated to Narcissa. Marlene excused herself, needing the toilet. Lily stood by the entrance of the stage still, looking out at the rumbling crowd. 

 

Dorcas and Mary watched her. “Does she always do this?” The journalist asked and Dorcas nodded. 

 

“Most of the time.” The drummer was much nicer than most of the band, excluding Alice. But Dorcas was more low key, and Mary liked her because she was definitely based on the earth rather than the sun- which Alice seemed to have set her base on. She looked to Alice who caught Dorcas’ gaze and rolled her eyes; the question she asked Narcissa afterwards was answered by an eye roll but nonetheless Mary saw her mouth pronounce the word yes. Alice gave Dorcas a thumbs up. “We’ll go back on in a second.”

 

“Sorry?” Mary asked. 

 

“Keeps the audience on their toes,” the drummer said, shrugging. “The crowd usually shifts so slowly none of them have left yet- our fans are diehard, they’ll hold onto the hope of one more song until reality slaps them.” 

 

Marlene returned, looking flushed in the face and when she saw the other’s faces she groaned and headed over to Lily, ruffling her already messy hair. “Come on then.”

 

Then they all jogged back on and the arena blew up- quite literally. The noise was inhuman, and Edinburgh was now transformed into hectic chaos. Lily shouted the city’s name into the microphone before Alice snatched it off of her. “Because you’re such good sports, we decided that we would sing another tune for you- surprise!” 

 

Immediately names of their songs were thrown at them. “Woah, Edinburgh, we can only choose one- c’mon which one do you really want to hear?” There was an even louder chorus and Alice leaned forward, cupping her ear. “Shout louder, we can’t hear you!” 

 

The arena quite literally shook with the noise. Mary took out her phone and held it up- but then Narcissa took it off her, tutting. “Just watch.”

 

Alice grinned, her face turning up on the huge screens as they connected once more. “Edge of Seventeen?” There were whistles. “I think we can do that. Cas? Lils? A rhythm, please.” 

 

Dorcas started it up as the stage went dark and the lights of torches dotted the audience. Lily was closest to Mary and she could see the complete concentration on the lady’s face. Her face was collected but her pick moved quickly. “ Just like a white winged dove, sings a song just like she's singing-” their voices harmonised over the speakers. Alice blew a piece of hair from her face. “ Just like a white winged dove, sings a song just like she’s singing-” Once more they harmonised and the crowd went crazy. 

 

Mary watched as faces of the front row were displayed onto the screens, flushed, happy faces as they sang along with the words. Mary knew that if this arena was to have a power outage right now, the Gryffins’ music would still be able to be heard from miles around as the audience contributed to the sound. Alice laughed. 

 

“Edinburgh, you are phenomenal! ” 

 

***

 

Mary lost track of Lily after that. Their final night in the hotel was going to be a bitter one as the next morning they were straight on the road again. Travelling this time they would only go on to Newcastle, but two hours was a lot of time when you didn’t know what to do. Dorcas would probably spend it napping with Marlene, Narcissa didn’t travel with the band and Alice went with her last time so it was a toss up.

 

In the past three days of them being in Edinburgh, Mary and Lily hadn’t spoken like they had the first night of travelling. They had spoken, teasing jabs here and there from the guitarist as she still confidently expressed her dislike for her temporary shadow, but Mary was beginning to get antsy. She needed to write something, and if this was what she was working with then she was quite literally fucked. Using Lily had been her game plan, but it was obvious Lily had no intention of being used.

 

It was an hour before they would leave the venue, so Mary uploaded her pictures onto one of the various usb’s she had brought with her. Media consisted of pictures and of words but none of the footage she had taken looked any good whatsoever. They were all blurry or distorted by the bright lights that spazzed in and out during the concert.

 

She sighed. Fresh air.

 

The right back of the arena was private and only a few cars loitered in the car park. There was still a heavy thrumming from the crowd departing the place, fans singing some of the Gryffins’ songs like hymns. It hummed into the night and made Mary feel less weary. 

 

Her hands wrapped around her arms and she looked at her phone. Emmeline and her had barely made contact since she had left, excluding the call she tried to make with her that one night. It was obvious she was active on her socials (stories, posts, the usual) but she hadn’t responded to anything Mary had sent her (like if she hadn’t burnt their home down or if she had fed their fish). 

 

She breathed out. Edinburgh’s air was freezing and it came out like steam.

 

The side door Mary had come out of and a voice filtered into the air. Lily’s came with it.

 

“I’m only saying, tell him to stop bugging me.”

 

“He has a point, Lil .”

 

“He hasn’t got a point, he’s just- ugh! Why does this have to be so difficult?” She demanded and the person over the phone chuckled. There was a flicker of a lighter and it was clear she had lit a fag. The man over the phone hummed.

 

“ We could always pop up? You have a few days of rehearsal over the next week, right? ” 

 

“If you did that, McGonagall would go crazy.”

 

“It’s only a few hours' train ride .”

 

“A few hours of practice , James.”

 

“ Since when did you care so bad?”

 

There was a pause. “It’s my job, and your job, we’re similar. If Narcissa’s always on my ass then she must always be on yours.”

 

Mary swallowed. This felt like something she wasn’t supposed to be hearing but- Lily Evans? Ringing her ex-husband? Something felt missing. Their divorce was always said to be amicable but the way everyone spoke about it, like it was taboo, as if they were soulmates? It was pretty hard to paint a picture in her head of how they would interact now.

 

James’ voice was soft once more when he spoke. “ He just misses you.”

 

There was a sharp inhale.

 

“ I miss you.”

 

Now Mary definitely felt like she was intruding. 

 

“I miss.. you too.”

 

“ Well that’s only to be expected, I mean, I am the one and only James Potter-“

 

“Shut up, you git,” her laugh was light and tinkly . It was such an unexpected response Mary recoiled. “Your head is so far up your own arse.”

 

Personas were always misconstrued in the media, this was common knowledge. But the way that Lily spoke in that moment made Mary stop and almost lose all of her breath. It was so soft, and there wasn’t a trace of reluctance in her tone. Perhaps a little exasperation but heavy breathing made it seem wistful. She was being genuine .

 

Mary shifted her weight on the gravel, calling attention to herself as she began to walk back round the corner. Lily was standing at the top of the fire exit steps and gave her a harsh, cold look when she saw the journalist.

 

“I have to go.”

 

“ Huh? We only just got on the line?”

 

“Yeah well, somethings come up. I’ll ring you back?” There was a pause as James was obviously deliberating the matter.

 

But then there was a distressed sound from the other side and James grunted. “ Sure, Peter’s just rocked in anyway- an hour late but there’s no time like the present. Reckon it’s my time to shine now.”

 

Lily’s face twisted and she averted her eyes. “Give him a telling off for me?”

 

“If he tries to batter me, that's your fault, see you.” It cut off abruptly and Lily clicked her phone onto standby. Her pale face looked skull-like with the back alley’s void of light. 

 

“Is it a hobby of yours to stick your nose in other people's business? Or is it just your press second nature?” She asked.

 

“In my defence, I was out here first,” Mary said, shuffling closer. The redhead gave her a sneer and played with the clippers lighter in her hand. 

 

“This is why I hate journalists, you’re all such cunts about personal space.” There was a wave of wind and Mary felt nervous. Whereas before when she had stated her dislike she had been drunk, this time she seemed to be stone cold cover. The reality of the situation struck Mary as dangerous, like Lily was a panther waiting to find her weakness

 

“He seems like a good guy.”

 

“He is a good guy, why else would I have married him?” She said. It was clear she thought the conversation was dumb. “I do have some self respect.”

 

“Obviously couldn’t have been good enough for you, though.” Mary accused, feeling her hackles rise. She knew she had a bad habit of saying stuff she didn’t mean, but Lily’s attitude was getting to her a little.

 

Instead of the outburst she expected though, Lily laughed. “Opposite- he’s way too good for me.”

 

“Then why did you divorce him?” Lily looked a little surprised by the question. “You said I don’t speak a lot, this is me asking questions.”

 

“Like you deserve answers.”

 

“I do a little.”

 

“You’re just doing your job.”

 

“Yes, but I also want to get to know you.” By now Mary was next to her. There was maximal space between them. She didn’t dare getting closer, but Lily didn’t move away, she just looked irritated, Mary took it as a sign to continue. “So?”

 

“Are you trying to piss me off?”

 

“No, just doing my job,” she shrugged.

 

“Ok groupie, sure.” Lily rolled her eyes. 

 

“And are you going to answer?”

 

“Might make you wait until you tell me whether I should or not.”

 

Mary stared out into the darkness, playing with her hands on the bannister and she could feel her fingertips numbing. She thought. 

 

“You had it all and you can still have it all.” Lily said nothing. “A successful career and a son and a comfortable life with a man you still seem to love, so why throw him away?”

 

“Who said I threw it away?” She demanded, raising an eyebrow. “Presumptuous of you, bird.”

 

“Then why did you divorce him?” 

 

“Who said it was my decision?” She slipped. Then she realised and glared at Mary. “Who said that it was my choice?”

 

Wait. “Sorry?”

 

“Forget it.” She stubbed out her cigarette that was barely finished and began to turn. Mary caught her wrist but let it go when Lily turned on her as if she was about to push her down the stairs. Something told her she would never, but the threat was still there.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What do I mean ?” She growled. “Why do I need to explain myself when you just demonised me?” 

 

“I didn’t demonise you, I just asked a question!”

 

“A pretty cack-handed one.”

 

To put it simply she left, and Mary was left alone again. The cold air wasn’t as refreshing as it had been before and now she felt dumb and tired. Before Lily had told her she didn’t speak, she thought they had to work round their situation at least a little , but when Mary asked questions she always seemed to screw it up.

 

Coming back to the green room, most things had been cleaned up. Narcissa gave her a raised eyebrow and Mary shook her head. “Don’t ask.”

 

“I’ll try not to, despite everything is my business, so therefore I should,” she quipped. “But I’ll try not to.” She swept away and Mary glared at her retreating form, confused, but chose to ignore it. Marlene and Dorcas were scrolling through their phone (only one because they did everything together, whether that was even just scrolling through social media). Lily was nowhere in sight, clearly she had had enough of socialising tonight and Mary thought nothing of it except for the pang of guilt that was still settling like barbed wire in her stomach. 

 

Maybe she had to reassess her process. None of this was going to be worth it otherwise. Lily at the end of the day was a nut she had to crack or a puzzle she had yet to solve, she was a person. And it seemed as the days grew longer and the evenings grew darker, she was becoming more and more detached from the world and its inhabitants. 

***

 

Mary was woken up by Dorcas the next morning, face void of make up and retainers in. She was wearing pyjamas that had little snakes on, which Mary couldn’t help but laugh at. They loaded into the bus for 7:30 sharp and once Narcissa said goodbye and shut the door of the bus with a slam and with Alice beside her they were off.

 

Marlene and Dorcas immediately excused themselves, heading for the bunks. Mary found herself staying downstairs, as Lily had taken over the makeshift meeting room upstairs and not making any sort of attempt at making contact with any of her bandmates. Her mug was out and there was an empty bottle of Jordan’s in the bin. 

 

But when Mary sat upstairs, staring out of the windows whilst the world passed by them, she couldn’t focus on the work in front of her at all. The conversation they had the night before was recorded in her mind and she learnt that if she looked past the anger and the immediate hostility, Lily had been hurt.

 

She had been upset. 

 

Which, when Mary looked out onto the rolling fields they were cutting through, made her feel ten times guilty for putting her on the spot.

 

There was an ache in her chest as she put her laptop down and pulled her hood up. 

 

Back when she was younger, her friends and her family always used to call her out on isolating herself when she knew she was in the wrong, but ever since moving out and living her own life, it had gotten worse. University, although doing well and getting all of her degrees, was a shit show. She had no social circle, except for Hestia’s but they weren’t her friends- they had just been people she knew. Who took pity on her and had taken her out.

 

She hadn’t drunk a thing since her time at Cardiff, she hadn’t wanted to. It made her feel vulnerable and uncaring, but now she was starting to think that she had been like that all along.

 

The bus shook, and it was loud from the engine but there was no point in moping. If she couldn’t get work done and if Lily was going to refuse to work with her then she would have to find a way for them to cooperate with each other. Find a balance. A dos and a don’ts.

 

She would have made a list, but she knew that the rockstar would only judge her for it. 

 

Walking up the stairs was difficult while the bus was moving but she made it work, holding onto the side handles for dear life. From downstairs, you could barely hear anything but it was quieter up here and as she made her way up she began to notice a soft tune edge it’s way out of the room Lily had set her base up in. 

 

Now Mary was a little more hesitant, deciphering whether to make her way in there and disrupt her or not. She pressed an ear to the door and listened for a moment- only to make sure it was her and she wasn’t about to intrude on Dorcas and Marlene- but it was evidently Lily’s playing. 

 

She listened in still nonetheless.

 

“ They say I’m too young to love you, I don’t know what I need ,” her voice was deep and enchanting. Mary sighed, closing her eyes. “ They think I don’t understand the freedom land of the seventies.”

 

She barely lifted her head when Mary let herself in, closing the door behind her and holding onto the handle as if it was going to give her any sort of magic luck.

 

Lily wasn’t wearing anything that looked like she would be caught dead in. Instead of her hair being down, it had been collected loosely into a plait, and she was wearing a mismatched jumper that looked like it had been knitted blindly. 

 

“ They say I’m too cool to know ya, you say I’m like the ice I freeze, ” she sang. “I’m churnin’ out novels like beat poetry, on amphetamines.”

 

In her lap was an acoustic guitar, dark wood and a light red strap. Her fingers idly drifted across it as she wrote down lyrics in a notebook by the big window.

 

She remained uncaring of Mary’s presence until the journalist cleared her throat. And when she looked up Mary thought her unrecognisable.

 

Instead of wearing makeup, her face had been wiped clean and her eyes were wide open. Or maybe they were big to begin with- it had always been difficult to see with all of the black make up shadowing them. 

 

She raised an eyebrow. “What do you want?”

 

Mary looked to her feet. “I wanted to sit up here?” It came out defensive. Shit.

 

The guitarist shrugged. “Free country, just don’t get too close.” Mary nodded but ignored her as she sat beside her, so that they faced each other. Lily looked at her with a deadpan face but otherwise said nothing. She seemed to have no spark at the moment. Her white mug rested on the floor by Mary’s foot.

 

“I wanted to apologise.” Mary looked at her and Lily ignored her, still staring at her frets. “Evans.”

 

“What makes you think I want your apology?” 

 

Mary bit her lip before hoisting her whole body onto the couch and staring at her properly. “I think you want a lot of things, you’re just too prideful to say them.”

 

When Lily looked up Mary gasped. Her face, slender and high as it always had been, looked different. Her eyes were on display- green and just priceless. They were full, almond shaped with small strawberry blond eyelashes that framed her lower lids more than her upper ones. Her pupils were small, the sunlight making them twitch out and in, but the iridescent gleam of her iris made Mary lean in. Lily backed away, a hand shooting up to her face like she’d been scorched.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re eyes-“

 

“ What ?” She gutted out. Mary swallowed and shook her head.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“ What? For fucks sake, Mary, you can’t just gasp like that and expect me not think somethings wrong !” Mary bit her lip and shook her head again.

 

“It’s nothing, I just-“ she sucked in a breath. “Your eyes are just.. they’re super green.”

 

Lily scoffed. “Well done. You only just noticed?” She asked, jokingly. But when Mary didn’t reply she looked back up in disbelief. “You’re taking the piss.”

 

“It’s hard to see when you have all of that on,” she waved her hand.

 

“Oh, so you’re judging my makeup now? What are you? A radical feminist? First my divorce now my presentation?”

 

Mary looked at her in shock. “I am not a radical feminist!” She defended. “I just didn’t realise how pretty they are!” She didn’t mean to let that slip but Lily’s face was too stunned to reply with a retort. There was quiet for a moment as Lily’s jaw moved in strain. The journalist shifted slightly.

 

“Uhm,” she coughed. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

 

Lily looked at her with a suspicious glance. “Are you?”

 

“What I said last night was completely totally out of order. Personally, if someone said what I had said then I would have most likely sparked them out.” She shrugged and Lily snorted a laugh, still a little stunned it seemed.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

“Hey, I was brought up with siblings,” Mary said, smiling a little. “You learn a few things when facing down with two older brothers.”

 

Lily nodded absently, her thumb lightly plucking at a string, but the lack of movement told Mary what she needed to know. That she was listening. 

 

“In any case,” Mary said, trying to stop the conversation from derailing. “I think we’ve been an entire channel apart on what we want from this. You think I’m some sort of devil's mistress-“

 

Lily laughed.

 

“And I obviously have some sort of.. subconscious misconception of you.” Lily looked up at her. “But.. to be honest, you’re making it difficult.”

 

“I make a lot of things difficult.”

 

“But! I want to know you, Lily Evans,” Mary said. Lily’s face blanched. “I was wrong last night, but that’s what I’m here for. To not be wrong, to be right, and show how much others are wrong too.”

 

Lily scratched the back of her neck. “So what are you even suggesting?”

 

“I’m suggesting that we find a middle ground. You said before that this isn’t a one way street, and right now there is no street. We need to.. cooperate.”

 

“Good wording. You sure you’re a journalist?”

 

“I write, not speak,” Mary retorted, but this time it didn’t feel so heavy, the tease. “Don’t you want people to know about you?”

 

“They already think they know everything.”

 

“They know nothing.”

 

Lily studied her for a moment, once inscrutable eyes now round and looking into Mary. Then she shifted and shrugged. “Fine.”

 

Mary almost couldn’t believe her eyes. “Fine?” She nodded. 

 

“I still don’t like you though.”

 

“To be expected.” They looked at each other before laughing. It was ridiculous. Their feud would take time to dissolve but Mary now felt like there was some headway. That there was something to work with, someone present to work with, who wouldn’t give half assed and plain answers. 

 

“Does this mean you’ll answer my questions now?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Depends, what is it?”

 

Mary looked at the guitar for a second. There lay an engraving on it, sharp and specific, but too loopy for her to understand. “What’s that say?”

 

“Rock on, gold, dust woman,” she sighed without even glancing at it. Lily tipped the guitar so she could see it too and her eyes softened. Her finger grazed it, feeling the grooves. “It was a present, from someone from a very long time ago.”

“Could you play something on it?” Mary asked and Lily gave her a look. “I heard you singing before, don’t deny it.”

 

The guitarist huffed before sitting back. There was about a minutes silence before Mary probed and Lily hushed her. The same tune was playing once more and Mary watched, her lips raised at the ends.

 

Lily’s voice was good, not as refined perhaps as Alice’s but that was only to be expected as she was the guitarist and not the singer. Mary assumed she might have learnt it from James, who was the duo singer for the Marauders with Peter Pettigrew. He had a Phil Collins vibe going on about him, and it would seem that he had rubbed off on Lily a little as she sang.

 

“I have feathers in my hair, I get high on hydroponic weed, and my jazz collections rare, I get down to beat poetry.”

 

 It was deep, raspy and sometimes she struggled with a note. But Mary enjoyed it nonetheless. The song she sung was the same as the one before; but she just continued it like Mary had never even walked in.

 

“Yeah my boyfriends pretty cool, but he’s not as cool as me.. because I’m a Brooklynn Baby, I’m a Brooklynn Baby…”

 

She continued for a while before coming to a gradual stop. Mary wondered who she could be singing about, if there was anyone that she was singing about. She asked this and Lily smirked. 

 

“Not even 15 minutes and you’re asking questions again.” She pushed her hair out of her face and Mary felt herself blush. 

 

“Is it not acceptable I might just might be interested in what your process is?” She asked and Lily tongued her cheek, making it bulge. 

 

“It’s not about anyone in particular,” she said. “When you write music for so long, you sort of lose the meaning of the music. Only a few songs on our albums are properly emotive, if you could call it that. The Marauders write proper tunes, they’re hard to copy. Peter writes some, they go through Regulus - James only really write ballads. So he’s not allowed to have an opinion on the process, considering it’s not their sound.”

 

“The Gryffins don’t write all that many love ballads,” Mary mused, touching the neck of the guitar tenderly. 

 

“Well, we aren’t really known for our range,” Lily said. “We write what our fans want, and if they end up hitting the charts then that's just an added bonus.”

 

“You don’t really care much for conforming, do you?” Mary chuckled and Lily shrugged.

 

“Music’s music.” 

 

“Some people would call it dirge, not music,” Mary said, and then looked to Lily for her reaction when she felt like it was a little too offensive. Lily only looked humoured though and let out a laugh. 

 

“That's because they label it wrong, our music isn’t rock, it isn’t metal, it’s- it’s some sort of combo of what we want to play,” she said. “Our songs are heavily based on our instruments, because we’re a band, not a vocal collaboration. No one ever gets it right, unsurprised you didn’t either.”

 

Mary puffed her cheeks and brought her knee up, hugging it to her chest. “It’s not exactly easy to discern, your songs give me whiplash.” 

 

“It’s not to everyone's taste,” she said. “I respect that.” She began to strum a little more, plucking her fingers over the singular strings. Mary sat there and listened. 

 

Chapter 4: thunder only happens when its raining

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
dreams

 

Emmeline’s name appearing when they were in Leeds was not what Mary had been expecting. The picture that appeared as she called was one from a few months back, before they had let whatever they fancied consume them and Mary’s heart began to play tricks on her. She wanted to ignore it - it wasn’t like the photographer had gone out of her way to talk to her beforehand. A few funny texts had been transferred back and forth between them in the 2 weeks she had been gone, but that was about it. It was as if Mary had disappeared completely from her radar, and she wouldn’t lie if it didn’t hurt her a little. 

 

She sighed. If she didn’t answer now, then she knew she wouldn’t call back for a long time. 

 

“ Hey Macdonald, long time no talk, eh?” She chorused, her voice crackly over the speaker. Mary bit her lip.

 

“How are you, Emmeline?” She asked, hoping to sound nonchalant but there was something about that always sounded needy when in the presence of Emmeline Vance, even when long distance calling. 

 

“ I’m good, I’m good ,” she said. There was chatter on the other side and the woman laughed. Mary knew she was in company, and decided to ignore the factor. “ I miss you .” Her voice was suggestive. 

 

“What can I do for you?” Mary asked, clearing her throat and figured that if she also ignored the tremor in her voice then maybe she would be fine. No favours were accomplished however. “You better not have broken anything at home.”

 

“ What? No, of course not, ” she laughed. “ How is it all going on your end ?”

 

“Uh, it’s going good,” Mary replied.

 

“ And? The Lily Evans? ”

 

“She’s pretty… rocking?”

 

“ Never say that again ,” she laughed. “ Sure you’re not having a rough time? I know what she's like .” 

 

Mary bit her tongue from telling her that what she was saying was all wrong, but she did no such thing. She attempted at branding the NDA in the forefront of her mind, so that every time she blinked there was the reminder that she was at no liberty to say anything. 

 

“It’s been a process,” she said instead. Emmeline’s attractive laugh was loud. “She’s.. Nice, when she wants to be.”

 

“ I’m sure she is .” There was that sarcastic tone again. Mary didn’t like it when Emmeline didn’t take what she said seriously, and she hated it even more when she laughed at her irritation. This was a wicked mix of that.

 

“Well, I’m genuinely pretty busy at the moment, honestly, what do you want?” She asked. This was a lie too, instead of being busy she was waiting in the kebab shop down the street from their hotel. Lily had sent her out on errands and had told her to make herself useful in the time they had off. She had found herself a bottle of tequila and had already began to make herself halfway through it. Mary was certain that she had finished it by now. 

 

“ Chill out, babe, I was only ringing to tell you that you’ll be seeing my face tomorrow ,” she said. “ I know you’ve missed it.”

 

“What?”

 

“ Well, that is if you’re joining the band to their shoot, you know, the one for Vanity Fair? ” She stated and there was an intermission as Mary tried to decode her words. Tomorrow - shoot -  Vanity Fair = front cover. Emmeline was doing the shoot for Vanity Fair. How could she have forgotten?

 

“Oh, damn,” Mary whistled. “I would say how impressive it is, but considering you’ve worked for them several times before, the novelty wore off a long time ago.”

“ Har har, no, Xeno offered me up, I was supposed to be doing something for the Quibbler but VF’s photographer clocked out at the last second, ” she said, like it wasn’t a very impressive gig. “ Also said he mentioned that you might want to see a familiar face. ” She sounded proud at that too, and Mary rolled her eyes. “ Bring you back down to earth from being around all of these A-Listers.”

 

Right. Of course. Xenophlius was the only one on Mary’s side of the ordeal who knew about Emmeline and Mary, and he had kept his mouth shut about the entirety of it. (Excluding Pandora and Luna, as altogether they were one big unified front.)

 

Mary as her name was called from behind the counter and she rushed forward to grab the plastic back and give her thanks before she was out into the cold, fresh air. Emmeline said her name on the line and reeled her back in. “ We could also maybe get a drink afterwards? And then perhaps we could revisit some of our fondest memories back at your hotel room? ” She was definitely smirking and Mary could only imagine the look on her face. 

 

Then she imagined Lily, of whom she was sharing a room with in the hotel, and the way that she near enough never left her alone nowadays. Newcastle had been some sort of out-of-body turning point for them, and instead of actively treating Mary like she was active enemy number one, she had been promoted to begrudged personal assistant- or manservant if you will. 

 

She had the donner kebab in the bag to prove it. 

 

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that , ” she said, feeling a little guilty. “You know, like, NDA and all that, I- christ, i don’t know if I’m even allowed to be having this phone call right now.”

 

“ Mares, please, I was only joking .” She hadn’t been, but she played it off smoothly. Mary breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful that, for the first time, Emmeline’s careless attitude had come in handy. “ But drinks? We can still go out for a cheeky one, right? ”

 

The hotel came into sight and Mary stopped at a crossing, waiting for the light to turn green. “I’ll see, it really depends.”

 

Emmeline scoffed. “On what? It’s not like they have you under lock and key.”

 

You have no idea, she thought snidely and found herself breezing into the hotel lobby. “I’ll tell you, tomorrow, if I see you. I have to go? See you later?”

 

Emmeline hummed. “ But of course. ” And then she hung up. Mary kissed her teeth, and if she slammed the button on the elevator a little too hard, then that was no one’s business but hers.

 

***

 

The next day Lily was already drinking before Mary had awoken and had let herself into her hotel room. Mary found her rifling through her singular duffle bag, coffee on the bedside table and mug in her hand. She grunted a slight greeting when Mary sat up, rubbing her eyes. 

 

“What are you doing?” She asked, surprisingly not feeling all that worried that the guitarist was going through her belongings. Obviously the carelessness crashed and burned when Lily stood up with a thong in hand and Mary jumped out of bed, blushing furiously, and snatched it from her claws. 

 

“I’m finding you something to wear,” Lily said obviously and Mary gritted her teeth. 

 

“I can dress myself fine ,” she bit back, angrily jolting Lily away from the clothes she had brought with her. The rockstar looked at her dubiously and opened her mouth to say something before thinking better of whatever she was going to say, and closed it. 

 

Instead she said: “Mary, if you’re going to start hanging around us, english geek or not, you have to look the part, and the leggings and uggs combo is totally 2014, aka out of date.” She took a gulp from her mug, wincing before placing it precariously on the bedsheets beside her. “Due to that disaster-” she nodded her head to the duffle bag “- I’ve called in reinforcements.”

 

“It’s eight o’clock in the morning.”

 

“And you have some sort of fashion defect, let me help you.”

 

By the time it had hit 10 o’clock, Mary’s luggage was two trunks heavier and her original clothes (bar the uggs, because somehow, somewhere along the line, Mary had convinced Lily that they were somewhat reasonable) had been shipped back to her flat in Ealing. When Lily stepped back from doing her quote-unquote magic, she smiled menacingly. 

 

“Now you look like one of us.”

 

Dorcas’ jaw dropped when they exited and Marlene shut it. Alice whistled and Narcissa scowled. Lily grinned and Mary felt self conscious.

 

“You look sweet, mamas,” Alice said, linking her arm with the journalists. “They’re going to think we have another member.”

 

“You look like a groupie,” the manager remarked scathingly, making Mary avert her eyes, but she said nothing in return. “But as long as you’re still doing what we hired you to do, then I assume that Lily treating you like a project back isn’t so bad. Stop loitering and get to the transport, girls, we’re behind schedule.”

 

“Of course we are,” Marlene huffed. 

 

The studio was across the city and took three cabs to get them there, including their bodyguards. Lily sat quietly in the seat beside Mary, staring out of the window with eyes covered by sunglasses and fingers fiddling with a pick. Mary looked to her hands and frowned. 

 

“Thanks.” Lily looked over. 

 

“For what?” She asked, the pick stilling in her hands. 

 

“For the clothes? Don’t be pedantic." She huffed, pulling her jacket closer to her body. Lily snorted and looked back out of the window. 

 

“There was nothing wrong with them before,” she said. “I just felt charitable.”

 

“Good to know.”

 

Lily looked back at her and shoved her shoulder. They remained in a comfortable silence for the rest of the car trip. 

 

Once they got there, the press was already in front of the doors of the building. Mary excited first, shepherded by the bodyguard and Lily stepped out swiftly afterwards. The others had entered first, quickly hiding from the rain of flashes. They were slightly shoved back against the car, and the loud honking of the vehicle did nothing to deter the vultures from their prey. 

 

Mary felt a hand on the small of the back, and she winced as she was pushed forward quickly and with a rush of adrenaline she headed for the door. Lily’s hand rested on her back as she pushed forward. Questions were shouted at them from every section. 

 

“Miss Evans! Miss Evans! What can you say about the upcoming concert with the Marauders? Are you nervous?”

 

“Miss Evans, how do you feel about the tour? Is it stressful after coming out of rehabilitation?” 

 

“Miss Evans, who are you with? Is this a groupie? A new member of the band currently unrevealed?”

 

“Miss Evans!”

 

“Miss Evans!”

 

“ EVANS!”

 

Finally the doors closed behind them and the guitarist dropped her hand, looking behind her wearily through the tinted glass. She sniffed and pushed her hair back, out of her face. She had lost her sunglasses on the way from the car, and her eyes seemed dazed and glassy. The others chuckled slightly except for Marlene, who watched Lily intently. An attendant introduced themselves to them and gestured for them all to follow her, but Lily paid no attention, still staring out of the doors which were being guarded by their bodyguards. 

 

Mary put a hand on her shoulder and slightly jolted her out of it. 

 

“You good?” The guitarist grunted. Mary took that as a a maybe and began to herd her from the sight. Their hands interlaced for a moment before Lily pulled away, striding after the rest of them. Mary breathed once more. 

 

It was busy when they arrived, models from a previous shoot were still lingering in corners and speaking to their stylists as they removed their makeup. The whole scene made it look like The Gryffins were just another set of models they were going to take pictures of, and when Mary looked to the others she wondered if the lack of excitement of their arrival made up for the swarm of paparazzi that lurked outside. 

 

She remained at the back of the group, looking as the actual celebrities were greeted and Dorcas and Alice seemed to melt into the atmosphere. Alice had always been the spokesperson for their band, and Mary had no doubt that she would be the one on the other half of the interview this afternoon. She would notice when the vocalist would disappear, she held such an exuberant aura around herself it was hard to not miss when she left. 

 

There was a clearing of a throat and a whistle, Mary turned to her left and Emmeline stood ther with her camera around her neck. She held it gently, as if it was her child (closest to it, considering they had had conversations about motherhood and Emmeline had absolutely no interest in it). She was dressed professionally which Mary absorbed as she rarely saw her during work. Usually in their own private company she was bare. 

 

“Look at you,” she murmured. She circled her loosely, taking in Mary’s clothes closely. “New closet?”

 

“Charity,” she joked. The photographer hummed and smiled.

 

“It’s good to see you,” she said, but took Mary’s cheek into her own. The journalist looked to her with embarrassment. Emmeline’s eyes were dark, hooded as she looked upon Mary’s face with slight concern. “You seem tired.”

 

“Late nights, concerts take it out of me,” Mary coughed. Footsteps incoming from behind her told her enough that the band was incoming, or if not the band then Narcissa, who always made it a point to establish dominance with any company they may have quickly, in case they slight her. She removed Emmeline’s hand from her face, but didn’t let go. She was never quite sure what to do in such situations. Emmeline left it there, in her hand, but she knew she could retract it whenever she wanted to. 

 

“Emmeline, how are you doing?” Narcissa asked. “At least I am now aware this shoot will be in capable hands.”

 

“Where’s Lockhart?” Emmeline asked. “Shouldn’t he be here right now?”

 

“Urgent matters apparently call to him in London, so in London he shall stay.” Narcissa’s voice was low and sounded intolerable at the mention of the man. Mary had never met her herself. At the beginning of her ordeal, she had asked Narcissa about the publicist but she had just brushed her off. Lily had revealed somewhat recently that he was, according to her, a ‘useless shit’. That gave her all the information she needed to know. 

 

“Ah, shame,” she said. “Would have been nice to see him again.”

 

As she looked away Mary didn’t notice the contemptuous look on Narcissa’s face. “Meet the band,” she announced and Mary turned to her left. The women had assembled before them in their glory. Alice waved pleasantly. 

 

“Gryffins, this is Emmeline Vance, she’ll be your conductor.”

 

“Get my good side, will you?” Marlene suggested and Emmeline nodded.

 

“I’ll do my best.” Her eyes flittered across the lot of them until they caught Lily’s. “Evans, good to see you again.” Finally, their hands parted as she reached forward and offered a hand to shake. Her nails were freshly manicured, dark green and shimmery in the right light. Lily scowled, looking to Mary and then at the hand before profusely rejecting it by storming away. 

 

“Don’t mind her,” Alice said, sidling up with Narcissa. “We had a bit of an ordeal getting inside.”

 

“I heard the ruckus,” Emmeline laughed, showing a lack of emotion. “I assure you, it was not my doing.”

 

“We would never have thought,” Mary said, looking to where Lily was settled by the table laid with food. “Uhm, if you excuse me?” She smiled as she left, ignoring the suspicious gaze from Marlene as she departed. 

 

When she got to where Lily was standing, she was decanting something in a flask into one of the plastic cups. It had been filled with coke, diet because Lily didn’t like full fat, and the white liquid as slowly running into it seamlessly. 

 

“Don’t you think you should take a break for a moment?” Mary asked, taking it from her and letting a little bit of the rum drop to the table. Lily glared at her before snatching it back.

 

“I have a reputation to uphold.”

 

“And I’m here to break that, shouldn’t you try and give it a go as well?”

 

“They don’t expect anything else from me.” She took a sip, shrugging. “You shouldn’t expect anything else from me either, you’re not at all apart from them.”

 

“Why are you having a go at me?” Mary demanded, snatching the cup back and placing it on the table. Lily’s retort was steaming. 

 

“Because you’re the one who, for some godfuck reason, thinks I want to change.” She took it back, pointedly gulping down half of it. Her voice was almost understandable underneath the slur of her dialect but Mary only frowned and stared at her for a second longer before huffing. She began to walk away, not feeling at all interested in arguing with the most stubborn woman she had ever met before in her life. 

 

***

 

The shoot was going suspiciously well but Mary remained by the seating area, where Narcissa kept excusing herself for phone calls only for her to be spied through the glass doors shouting down the line. Mary wondered if the tenth time would be the right time to ensure she didn’t have to keep being polite. She was certain the manager wasn’t very fond of her, and Mary wouldn’t be surprised if she thought that she was only freeloading off of the trip. 

 

Mary didn’t have the courage she might have been half right. 

 

Truth is, working with Lily felt she was stuck in a goddamn mudpit. The entire issue was that it was a game of tug of war- Lily would give in and then she would revert and resent whatever she had said to Mary in the first place. The journalist was beginning to realise how much of a toxic situation it was. 

 

As the outside world was beginning to transfer into dusk, Alice had been gone for an hour now and Marlene, Lily and Dorcas were being manipulated like puppets on a string. Mary watched from a distance, sure that if she got way however, she would be chastised by somebody simultaneously. 

 

Finally there was a break called for. Lily disappeared back to the makeup tables and Marlene and Dorcas disappeared for the loo. Emmeline advanced onto Mary. 

 

“You doing good, lovely?” She asked, sitting next to her. She was deftly switching her lens’, her hands carefully placing her old ones back into her camera bag by her feet. 

 

Mary sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

 

“Your job?” Emmeline offered. There was a pause as she held something in her mouth. Once she took it out she gave Mary a pointed look. “Are you feeling out of your depth?”

 

“I’m at the end of my rope, ” Mary said. “I’m an outsider, I’m not made to be here. I should be at home writing up the daily news report that we never even publish.”

 

Emmeline hummed, looking off as her crew began to reassemble lights. A chair was placed into the centre of the set, illuminated by a single, flickering shot light. “You know what I think?” She said after a second of them remaining in quiet. Mary itched at her ear and then responded.

 

“I think that you need a drink,” Emmeline whispered cheekily and nudged Mary’s arm. The journalist frowned. 

 

“I don’t know Emmeline,” she sighed. “I think I just need to go home and begin to make a game plan.”

 

“We could do it together?” she offered. “I have quite a dainty minibar back at my humble establishment- I know you might be used to finer things nowadays, but I’m sure it would do for a stressful day such as this.” Mary smiled slightly, looking down at her hands. She was aware that Emmeline expected.. Something else, and there was no chance any work would be able to be done. It sounded nice, and the offer was tempting. Really, really tempting. 

 

Mary looked up and back over to where Lily was now giving the makeup artist slight shit for doing something wrong. Her eyes looked curiously pink in the alit mirror. Mary laughed a little. 

 

“What's funny?” Emmeline asked, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“I would love to, but I don’t think I can.” Mary felt something lift off of her shoulders. “I really do need to get some work done.”

 

Emmeline’s chuckle was confused. “Isn’t that what I was just suggesting?”

 

“Maybe another time?” There was a moment before Emmeline sighed and nodded. “When are you leaving?”

 

“Tomorrow morning, Hestia’s birthday.” Mary knew that, she had given the receptionist a birthday card three weeks in advance because she knew she wouldn’t have been in. “Are you certain?” 

 

There was a bang as Narcissa entered again, this time storming straight to Lily and they began to passively aggressively argue. The makeup artist retreated, looking pretty relieved. 

 

“I am, I also think that Mrs Malfoy might have my head for it.” Emmeline looked unimpressed but she stood, seeming like she had given up nonetheless. 

 

“She’s harmless,” Emmeline stated and Mary frowned. The manager looked pretty formidable right now, as Lily stormed back onto the set, kicking the chair down. Mary gulped, standing herself. “Are you seriously going to attempt damage control?”

 

“I’m going to attempt at helping her not break one of your cameras, besides, might get a juicy scoop while I’m at it,” she said, winking. Emmeline’s smirk returned and she nodded, walking off to collect Dorcas and Marlene. She had always had a way of working around her subjects, making them look good and conducting them into places which would make them look better. None of the Gryffins were posing with their instruments today, and so it focused mainly on themselves.

 

Lily looked pissed off when Mary approached. Her voice slurred into multiple as she spoke. “I don’t understand how you like her, she’s a bitch.” Mary frowned, looking at Narcissa for a second before Lily’s ringed fingers reached to turn her head so that it was directed towards Emmeline. 

 

“We’re old friends,” she said. Lily scoffed. 

 

“Old friends are what me and Marls are, you and Emmeline are different.”

 

“Different how?” Mary asked defensively.”

 

“Different in the way that she looks at you like you’re a slab of meat.” This rendered Mary temporarily speechless and she knocked back into the table at the response. 

 

“She doesn’t, we’re just-”

 

“What?” 

 

“We’re flatmates! We live together.”

 

Lily scoffed, raising another cup (likely laced with something else) to her lips as she grunted: “disgusting.”

 

Mary felt her cheeks turn red hot and there was a moment as she deliberated between shouting, hitting Lily (as she had the right to do after being insulted in such a way Lily had insinuated) or just outright leaving. Instead she grabbed the drink from under her nose, not letting her finish and began to chug it. It slightly dribbled down her chin and it burnt her throat. There way too much liquor in that for a normal person to stand, but she swallowed it anyway, throwing the cup back onto the table in anguish before leaning closer and promptly telling Lily to: “get fucked.”

 

She stormed away after that so she could find somewhere to unwind and have a fag. 

 

***

 

Mary didn’t know why she agreed to, but finding herself in a club was the last thing on her list of what-to-do that night. Telling Lily Evans to get fucked wasn’t either- she seemed to be surprising herself a bit too much.

The lights were too bright and the Gryffins (minus one Alice) had spread out across the establishment. Lily had disappeared and now Mary sat with Dorcas and Marlene, trying to not hurl as she drank a bit of water. She had been drunk before she had entered the establishment, the bouncer taking one look at the band members and then just letting them enter without any type of check-up on Mary. In her usual, average citizen life she would have been turned away without them even checking her ID, but she kept herself together jus enough to get through the door.

 

The first shot, though, had been a killer. 

 

“Where’s Lily?” Mary asked, feeling far away from the other two. Marlene laughed. 

 

“Well away from you, considering you kind of told her to get fucked,” she said. Dorcas hummed, barely noticeable over the drum and bass, but Mary’s drunk super hearing caught every note. 

 

“I didn’t mean to, she just gets on my nerves so much.”

 

“She does with us too,” Dorcas said. Her hand was gently rubbing at her back, lightly tickling with her nails. “But theres just something about her that we couldn’t be without.” Mary coughed, drinking down more water. Someone they had met, that the other two knew, placed a tray of shots in front of them and her stomach turned. 

 

Marlene offered her one, but Mary shook her head. The bassist shrugged and downed it herself, gulping it down without batting an eyelid. 

 

“Shouldn’t we go find her?”

 

“She’ll reveal herself when she wants attention,” Dorcas said, swallowing her own shot down quickly. “Whatever you drank has really done you in, huh hon?”

 

“I thought you didn’t like me,” Mary stuttered before drinking some more water. Marlene burst out laughing, cackling and thwacking Mary on the arm a little too hard that her entire body, soul and mind swayed. 

 

“We didn’t!” She confirmed. Mary groaned. “But if Lily does and Alice does then there must be something I’m missing about you.”

 

“Marly,” Dorcas chastised, but Marlene didn’t stop laughing. 

 

“It’s okay, I brought that on myself.” Dorcas smiled wearily. They both took another shot before standing. Apparently they were heading to the dance floor, something other than hardcore beats had been brought onto the speakers and Marlene announced that they should take advantage of it before it was gone forever. 

 

Mary remembered following them down the steps and to the chequered floor, but something caught her eye and when she turned back they had disappeared. Her head swimmed looking at the flurry of people in the writhing mess of bodies so instead she turned back around and headed for somewhere else. She found herself outside, in a smoking area filled with people that all had faces that looked like she had seen them before. 

 

She sank down onto the step, holding her head in her hands and breathing the nicotine filled air in deeply, hoping something would shock all of the alcohol out of her system. 

 

Nothing happened.

 

She was there for a long time. People filtered in and out of the area, some might have asked her how she was but she didn’t register nor did she respond. It was the middle of the night when the light turned off, leaving only residue light from the streetlamps out on the street. 

 

There was a tap on her shoulder and she felt an incredible wave of deja-vu.

 

Lily stood over her with a raised eyebrow and a confused look. And when she sat down beside her, she offered a fag but Mary didn’t take it. The flicker of light was ominous in the darkness, sparks flew from the lighter. The flame was high, settings obviously been tampered with. She clicked it out and then dragged deeply before huffing it all out. 

 

“We’ve been searching for you for an hour,” she said.

 

“I’ve been here,” she replied, but it might not have come out.

 

“Dorcas is throwing a fit at Marlene, might be the end for them.”

 

“I don’t think it will be.” Mary sighed and rested her head up and against the doorframe. Lily looked at her and placed a hand on her thing to keep her from falling off of the step. “I think they’ll be together forever.”

 

“Nothing lasts forever.”

 

It sounded bittersweet, and oddly sober for her. There was a pause. 

 

“Sorry about earlier,” Mary said. “I didn’t mean to be rude.. But-”

 

Lily laughed. “Don’t be sorry, it was funny.” She took another drag off of the fag. “It was hot.”

 

Mary’s head shot up, and her heart thumped in her chest as she looked at the guitarist. “Hot?”

 

“Yeah,” she said, taking another drag. The smouldering end raced down the straight. “Took me by surprise.” She offered it to Mary again. She took it. 

 

“What did you mean by disgusting.. Earlier?” She said, breathing out. The guitarist looked at her with a confused look. “Me and Emmeline.. It’s- it’s only-”

 

“Mary, if you’re shagging I don’t care, it’s your life.”

 

“Then why did you say it was disgusting?” She demanded, feeling irritated.

 

“I- I just thought-” Lily groaned, snatching back the cigarette before dumping it underneath her boot. “I just don’t like her.”

 

Mary sighed. “No, I can tell.”

 

Lily looked at her. The warm lights of the lamps reflected onto her red hair and they stared at each other for the moment. Mary sighed. “Your eyes are so green. They honestly did catch me by surprise.” 

 

“I didn’t think anyone couldn’t notice, James-” She cut herself off and sighed. “People used to speak about them all the time. Red hair, green eyes, I’m not exactly hard to miss in a room.”

 

“I think it’s pretty.” Mary reached out a little and lightly traced a singular hair on Lily’s head. There was moments when she was uncertain before, but looking at her in this lighting, Lily was deemed beautiful in Mary’s head forever. Eternally she would remain graceful in Mary’s mind, the hearth that any thought would circle around, being deflected into the corners of the mind. Her head was filled suddenly with Lily’s flickering light, fiery flames flickering into her eyesight. 

 

“I think you’re stupid-” she tasted like fags and vaseline. Her scent was sweet, and her hands were barely there as she ghosted the dark skin of Mary’s neck. No thoughts were in her mind as they were burnt down from the hearth in the middle of her mind. Lily, right there, looking as radiant as ever, seemingly like the sun that helped everything grow in the day and was missed by the world at night. 

 

Lips softly over against each other and Mary knew she wasn’t doing a good job, but together they found a rhythm. Mary had never felt so sober in her life. 

 

“I thought you hated me,” Mary gasped.

 

“I do.”

Chapter 5: i never did believe in miracles, but i've a feeling it's time to try

Notes:

won't lie to you, this entire thing is completely unedited, i write it and then i send it out, so womp womp
point out any grammar/punctuation/spelling errors <3

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
you make fun loving

 

 

The music was muted as they exited into the hallway of the smaller theatre of Swansea and Lily pushed Mary into the paint covered brick and granite wall, her fingers pushing desperately into her waist and pulling her closely into her own body. Her lips were on hers - lines of heat raced from Mary’s mouth to her abdomen, bubbling with anguish and no thoughts were coherent in the journalist’s mind. The redhead’s tongue trailed across the other’s bottom lip and Mary more or less allowed her entrance, having no qualms about personal space. They were together at that moment, ignoring the fact that any crew member or any fellow bandmates could walk through the doors they had just exited from and see them doing this together right there and then.

 

The journalist pulled away for a second, holding the guitarist by the shoulder gently and looking into her heady eyes. The woman licked her lips and leaned forward, immediately reaching forward to latch her teeth onto the lobe of Mary’s pierced ear. She licked the patch of skin just behind it and Mary shivered. 

 

“Wait, don’t you think we should save this?” She asked. “For later?”

 

“I want it now,” Lily almost growled, her voice so low and guttural it made Mary bite her lip and submissively curve her neck to the left so that Lily had more access. There was something about letting her have everything about her, letting her have it all her way. She seemed to smile against Mary’s skin, her canines nipping lightly another to not bruise but hard enough for Mary to feel it and Lily ignite a fire in her lower torso. 

 

“But-”

 

“But? But ? Give it a break Mary,” she said, pulling back slightly and leaning into her ear. “Do you not want me?” She knew how to tease her and Mary felt herself blush. Lily knew how desirable she was and she used it to her advantage. Mary, feeling embarrassed but also needy, spread her legs. They were just ajar, nothing major but Lily immediately infiltrated her space with a thigh of her own, pushing up flush against Mary and went back to her neck. Mary bit her lip to stop her from making any noise louder than usual. 

 

“You’re so sweet, being so accommodating for me,” Lily said, smirking. She pushed her thigh into the pleats of Mary’s skirt, sheer tights and thick denim only separating them, until she found the right spot, making Mary rush forward greedily and making sure there was absolutely no space in between them. 

 

“Shouldn’t we wait until we get back to the hotel?” She asked, gasping. “What if someone comes out? I could-”

 

“What about it?” Lily asked, and used a finger to gently steer Mary’s cheek away from the wall and so that her eyes were looking into hers and not at the door that could open at any second. She lightly placed her hand on both cheeks, so her thumb was encasing her chin in the centre of her hand. Her palm was warm and not sweaty, which was nice and Mary seemed to lean into it. “You think I give a fuck about someone seeing this? Let them, I have nothing to hide. And considering who I am - I should hope that there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about either, bird.”

 

Mary whimpered, and she melted into her arms. 

 

***

Thankfully, no one walked in on them, by sheer dumb luck. None of the band members had said anything of it either, which Mary wasn’t sure she should be grateful about or not. And if they had, they hadn’t said anything to her. Or to Narcissa, because she was certain that if that was the case then she would certainly be sent home and most likely with her reputation (the crumbs that it was in) in devastation.

 

Lily walked into her room and shoved a piece of paper in her face. The journalist raised an eyebrow. She smelt vaguely of something sweet, not her perfume. It was liquorice, and fruity. Her lips were slightly stained purple and something told Mary that she had been drinking something that wasn’t a fruitshoot. 

 

It had been a whole day since they had seen each other the night before - lily had stumbled into her room and into bed with a foot between them and then had disappeared in the morning. It was to be expected, their final day in the city and the girls, Lily in particular, needed to do some more PR. Lily herself had revealed another time that she hated doing publicity. Their publicist was apparently a right cock, and didn’t know how to look after their band (Mary knew that she was talking about herself rather than the band as a whole, but she said nothing in acknowledgement of it.)

 

Mary was in her pyjamas and ultimately felt out of place as she urged the piece of paper further into her face. “I want to go to this, so get dressed,” she said and Mary ripped it from her hand and looked at it. 

 

“This is literally just a number.. And coordinates, what is this?”

 

“Rosekiller set, c’mon, I want you to come with us.”

 

Mary felt her eyes go wide. “Rosekiller?” She demanded, and Lily just rolled her eyes before nodding like Mary was the one being stupid. Rosekiller were a giant deal - on this day, and had been before. They were touring for years in the 2010’s before they ultimately went silent. “How did you even get this?”

 

“We know them,” she stated, sitting on the bed next to her and commandeering the TV remote and switching it to some reality TV show. 

 

“Personally?”

 

“Yes,” Lily said, sighing. “Look, can you get dressed now?” She repeated. “The Uber is scheduled to be outside the hotel in, like, 30 minutes.” She glanced at the rolex on her wrist. “You have five minutes less, going on 6 the more you sit there.” Mary kissed her teeth and stood from where she was before tearing open her suitcase and began rummaging through it. 

 

The clothes that Lily had supplied her with were difficult to put together but after a few offhand compliments and dirty looks, Mary obviously put on something that was worthy of what Lily wanted. She stood up and took her by the back of her neck and leaned in, giving it a few seconds for Mary to nod her consent, before she kissed her. It was sloppy and almost achingly toothy, their teeth clashing a few times as Lily grasped her by her waist and delved into her mouth further. Then there was a knock on the door and Lily was gone as soon as she came, taking a tub of vaseline from her pocket and applying some on her lips and also on Mary’s, sensually stroking the top and the bottom lips. She winked and stroked her chin before turning and answering the door. 

 

Dorcas, walking in with her black boots hitting the ground with thumps, whistled as she saw Mary. “Looking great, MacDonald.” There was a slight dirty look from Lily behind her but it left as Marlene placed her arm around her girlfriend’s shoulders. 

 

“You clean up, sweet,” the bassist said, nodding along with Dorcas. Lily cleared her throat. 

 

“Should we not be going?” She demanded, raising an eyebrow. Marlene smiled cheekily and pinched her cheek. Lily tried to bite it. 

 

“You’re just jealous that we’re giving her attention and not you,” she told her. Lily glowered behind her back and Mary flushed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. 

 

“It’s thanks to Lils,” the nickname on her tongue felt foreign and made the others falter for a second. “I wouldn’t have this if it wasn’t for her.” There was a pause before Lily grinned - carnal. 

 

“Hear that fuckers? It was my doing. I’m the reason why she’s sexy now.” The duo rolled their eyes, staring at each other incredulously and then began towards the door. Dorcas ruffled her hair while waiting for Lily to lock the door and offered Mary some lip gloss. Her lips were still moist from the vaseline and tingly from Lily’s finger so she politely declined. 

 

***

 

Alice wasn’t joining them that night, and the girls said nothing more on top of the fact. Narcissus was suspiciously off of their asses as well, Mary thought that maybe Alice had something to do that as well.

 

The journalist had never actually been to a rave before, or a set of any kind. She was very much not one of those people who listened to drum and bass in the morning to get into the mood. She kind of pitied the people who did. It must be some sort of Epidemic. The girls said nothing of it and finally they had been dropped off somewhere random and Lily took her arm and they all moved quickly as if in some desperation to not be spotted by the media or maybe even fans.

 

 “They can swarm at any moment,” Lily explained as she placed sunglasses onto Mary and then her own onto her face, matching. They were the exact same as the ones she had lost while being ambushed into the studio the other week. Mary supposed that being this rich meant she could have anything she wanted, and replacing such things like sunglasses was nothing, especially when they were lost like that frequently.

 

Mary walked amongst the rockstars, feeling out of place but looking nothing like it. Finally they rounded a corner, and she was certain this was not a place that A List celebrities were supposed to be, but there was a slight pulse in the air and the tension was thick. They moved fast nonetheless. There was a gap in some fencing that marlene stretched as they all fit in, one by one. Music got louder and people’s voices got louder. 

 

Mary looked up at the building they were breaking into, the large busted lights and the triple story told her that once upon a time this place was used quite frequently, maybe a warehouse of some kind, but now she considered herself lucky to not be getting poisoned by asbestos by merely standing in front of it. Lily looked back and saw her standing there plainly staring at the building. 

 

Marlene and Dorcas stopped and turned, their conversation paused as they both looked at the other two. Lily nodded at them and Mary felt embarrassed as she stood there for a second, rubbing her arms in the chilly welsh air. 

 

“What are you doing?” The guitarist asked, raising an eyebrow, lifting her shades onto her hair. “You good?” Her questions were stiff, but Mary felt pleased she had asked nonetheless. Five weeks ago she wouldn’t have. She would have just told her to suck it up and get over it. There was a flip in her chest but then it was drowned by her nerves. 

 

“What are we doing here?” She asked. “This place looks like it’s about to collapse the second we walk through the- the gap in the wall.”

 

Lily looked to where Marlene helped Dorcas over the massive space where the external and internal wall had deteriorated and had created a makeshift entrance. The bassist had held her hand as Dorcas jumped over and she had bowed like some kindly gentleman. It looked out of place.

 

 Lily grinned. “That's part of the fun.” She raised an eyebrow. “Are you scared?” She asked, curious. 

 

Mary swallowed and shook her head. “What's there to be scared about?” She asked, laughing a little frantically. “Except for the drug abusers, and the building possibly collapsing on us, and perhaps being kidnapped or, godforbid, roofied -”

 

“Mary.” Lily placed both of her hands on the shoulders of the journalist. Her thumbs stroked back and forth on her bare skin. She wished she had worn something on top, something that covered her up more. But it was too late for that. “Calm down. You’ll be fine - if you don’t like it, just tell me and that's when we’ll go home. Straight home. Maybe a Maccies, but after that straight home. And I cannot promise I’ll be sober.”

 

She was acting strangely kinder, and she had some sort of tone to her voice which made Mary relax. There was a moment and then Lily looked around before pecking her on the lips. It was uncommon. In Mary’s head, Lily hadn’t been capable of anything that wasn’t heated, with surface level emotions. It wasn’t sweet or tender, but it was an effort to be something more gentle. Mary’s stomach felt like wax.

 

 “Okay?”

 

“Okay.” Lily smiled, almost prettily, and flicked her slightly on the nose, but it felt like nothing. 

 

“There's my bird.”

***

 

It wasn’t only just crowded but it was packed. There were waves of people in the area and Mary felt her breath stolen from her immediately by the humidity of the place. Dorcas and Marlene left immediately, in search of someone they kept calling Wormtail, and Lily suggested that they hunted for a drink instead and catch up with them later.

 

Mary didn’t drink, and so she said when Lily suggested it, and the guitarist just grunted and shepherded her to some sort of makeshift bar. She ordered several cans of something which was not harsh whatsoever, and even got one for Mary despite it all. She let the sentiment warm flutter in her chest. 

 

Cans, she supposed, were the best idea, as she held them close to her chest and tried to not lose the redhead in the tide of people as they rounded the edge. Knowing Lily, there was a high chance of her being dragged into the current soon enough and although Mary knew she was going to be submerged, the pulsing audience felt a little more inviting than those that relegated the mosh pits at the Gryffins’ concerts. She had been caught in one of those ONCE, and she had decided that that was enough, she had stuck to the wings and the crew area since. 

 

Finally Lily found Marlene and Dorcas along the side of the large warehouse along with a few others. Lily grinned and chucked one can to each of the band members and Marlene cracked her’s open smoothly and then caught Dorcas’ before it hit one of their acquaintances in the face. She handed it to Dorcas, who was speaking animatedly to the man on her right, black hair and tattoos stretching up his neck in static lines. Mary goggled at him. 

 

Regulus Black was easy to notice on the best of days, he was famous. Big shit. She had met him once before, when she had been on an apprenticeship and had run about getting instant coffees for the superstars the interviewer had been interviewing that day. Regulus had stuck in her mind, not only because he was the second runaway heir to one of Britain's old money aristocracies, but because he was one of the most well-known narcissists in the world. He was nice - enough, when he wanted to be, but if Mary was asked to make the choice between him and his brother Sirius Black, she would have chosen Regulus’ brother every time. He was more fun, less down to earth, more relatable. 

 

The younger Black saw her and raised an eyebrow. Dorcas nudged him roughly but she was laughing nonetheless. 

 

“Lily, introduce Mary to them, before they eat her,” the drummer said and Lily looked back to Mary before placing an arm around her shoulder. 

 

“Reggie, Pete, this is Mary, my little shadow.” She tickled Mary lightly on the shoulder with her nails, making goosebumps sprout across her forearms. 

 

Pete grinned, and Mary recognised him. And was all the same worried at how he was here. Peter Pettigrew: someone who had overdosed one too many times and now, in this drug infested pit, this is when Mary began to feel a little uncomfortable. It didn’t help that Marlene wasn’t smiling, but instead looking out into the crowd. She was practically glued to Dorcas’ side, the bassist’s sculpted arm holding onto her drummer’s waist tightly as Dorcas spoke gladly to Regulus about why Mary was on tour with them. 

 

But when she looked at Lily, she was grinning and chatting to Peter without a care in the world, and she sniffed, looking at the blazing lights off in the distance. The walls were vibrating with the echoes and Mary thought to herself: ‘ give her a few more seconds, it might get better ’.

 

Lily then took Mary tightly by the hand and the lot of them dove into the crowd like jumping off of a diving board. The mass was choking and Mary held tighter and tighter onto the guitarist's hand because she knew if she even let go for one second she would be taken down by the tidal wave of ravers, who kept jumping on her feet. There was a pulse in their bodies which came together in clumps, smashing into each others backs, hands raised in the air as they called and yelled at the stage. 

 

Mary held tighter onto Lily’s hand. Lily held tighter back. 

 

In the blue light show, Lily’s hair was purple, translucent and wildly framing her. It was out of place, her hair, too fiery for the cold echoes of the warehouse. Mary found herself transfixed as the guitarist lead them through the throng of people, they moulded and parted around her. It was magical, the command that Lily had people on people that weren’t even conscious of her control. Mary wondered if she was conscious of the effect, if she was aware of what it had on Mary. 

 

They were by the front, close enough to see the sweat on Rosekillers’ faces. It was practically dripping off them. Mary understood how the place was a sauna at best and at worst a slaughterhouse.

 

In some flash of madness, there was a stall in their crowd swimming and Mary looked up to the man who was in their way. He was dark haired and dark skinned, but practically glowed in the lights that made everyone translucent. His glasses were crooked on his face and the laugh he had on his face had become stagnant as he faced down at the people he was facing: Mary and Lily. 

 

In the craze, Mary was coming up with no clues to who this man was despite the horrendous familiarity that made her head swim nauseous. What took her completely off guard was when Lily let go of her hand - Mary reached forward for it, missing the contact of their skin - and kissed him on the lips. It wasn’t a peck, it lacked an innocence, but it was short and succinct and made Mary’s stomach positively drop. She felt bile rise in her throat but then Lily had taken her hand once more and had continued dragging them through the people. It was only after she saw the shocked faces of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin that she realised who it actually was. 

 

James Potter did nothing more. He continued passed them, through the crowd, and Mary felt a string snap. 

 

***

 

After that Mary felt sick and no matter how much she tried to enjoy herself, her stomach turned and ached. There was nothing that could help her, nothing to drink, nowhere to sit, nowhere quiet so she could just replace her thoughts and cipher through them to delete the inhibition, just for the night. But she couldn’t.

 

There was something wrong, like her insides had been turned into a sickly mush. She felt like she was drowning in her own misery, and was being suffocated alongside it by the unrestrained mob around her. Lily had spoken to her from time to time but it was hard to hear her over the music and the people. But she was enjoying herself - which Mary was happy about, it was rare that Lily looked free, with the stress of her career as well as its backlash, there was only a certain amount a person could take and for the past few days Mary had been wondering if she was at her breaking point.

 

At some point, they ran into Peter again, who was like an enigma in the crowd. He stayed with them for a long time, both of the musicians endeavouring to include Mary into it more. They attempted at making her dance, putting her on Peter’s shoulders, putting her on Lily’s shoulders (which should have been tempting but made her stomach roll) but it was when Lily properly looked at her that Mary finally asked if they could leave and that was all she had to say. 

 

Mary remembered leaving Peter there by himself on the floor, but he seemed too drugged up to care. The sunglasses had been a permanent fixture on his face.

 

Lily had taken her hand again and when they had exited the warehouse, she had Narcissa on the line immediately and had someone coming to pick them up. Both of them rested against the fence, holding their hands for warmth. Lily, as usual, was wearing her leather jacket - it didn’t look very warm but that was probably because she hadn’t dressed herself up much for the warmth. The way that the jacket hung off of her skinny frame made Mary worry about her feeling cold. It seemed that the other had noticed Mary’s attention. 

 

“Stop staring at me,” Lily said, wincing before picking out her marlboros. They were a semi-new pack, Mary had watched her open them up earlier and then had been offered one. Back then Mary had declined, but now she fancied one, her fingers itched for something to do, something to hold onto. The redhead didn’t offer though, but lit one up and handed it to her. She didn’t light another and packed the pack back into her pocket. She was only wearing two layers - her jacket and a thin t-shirt underneath. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Mary sighed. Lily gave her a scathing look but didn’t reply until Mary took the hint and hit the fag. It was gritty in her lungs, and made her cough a little. Lily chuckled. 

 

“You have nothing to apologise for,” she said, taking it herself and breathing in a long, long drag. She held it for a few seconds before releasing it. Even Mary could taste the relief in the air. “Management has told me I’m too reckless to be in there anyway. I needed someone to get me out.” There was a beat as she took another drag and then handed it back to Mary. She didn’t suck at it immiediately, but instead looked dazed at the way the cigarette’s smoulder began to grow upwards. 

 

“That’s not your crowd, and I respect that.” She stared down the road, where there was a bend and Mary watched with her. A pair of headlights cast shadows onto the ground from afar and Mary hoped that it was their ride. “Besides, places like that make me easier prey for paparazzi, you’ll be surprised how many different articles will come out tomorrow morning. About me, James, Pete, everyone. It’ll be like a Met equivalent of shitty pictures. The red carpet of disappointment.” She finished with that. 

 

Mary thought back to when they were in there and the split second where James and Lily had been snogging - aghast, something inside her pondered on the idea of it being a PR stunt, but then remembered how upset Lily had actually been at her digging into her divorce and her ex-husband. There was something there that Mary wasn’t quite getting, how James allowed her to kiss him so freely, how Regulus had measured her up so scathingly and how Marlene had been so on guard. 

 

“Are you drunk?” Mary asked, looking up to her with a slight smile. Lily shrugged noncommitantly. 

 

“Barely,” she said, shrinking on her knees and swiping the “I was hoping to be on something a little bit stronger than just alcohol tonight.” This made Mary’s stomach crawl. 

 

Headlights appeared around the corner of the road and blinded Mary, and she hated how she couldn’t see lily in that moment. She practically scrambled to stand up and Lily copied her. She resumed her full height, which was the littlest bit taller than Mary with the boots, and Mary saw the quiet smile on her lips. It wasn’t warm, but instead it was calm and understanding. Appreciative and made Mary lick her lips. 

 

“I guess thats thanks to you.” It wasn’t said in a horrible way but it was said somehow which made Mary swallow thickly. She felt rewarded. 

 

The car halted in front of them and the window was rolled down to reveal Hagrid. He grinned up at them. “Mary, Lily, ‘op in.” Lily gave him a thumbs up and opened the door, gesturing for Mary to help herself inside. 

 

“Ladies first.”

 

***

 

Despite everything, Mary remembered never wanting for that night to be over. She remembered wishing that she and Lily could have lived in that little escapism bottle forever, in Lily’s suite hotel room. They disguised their kisses and light touches as friendship, then, and they teased around each other for ages before Mary found herself snapping and asking once again: “are you drunk?” Lily was sprawled out beneath her and she was breathless and serene. Completely unrecognisable when compared with the woman Mary had first met. 

 

Lily swallowed, eyes dark and confusion laced on her forehead. “I-” Mary raised an eyebrow. She wanted to ask and to make sure before they continued, forget the fact that they had both only been drinking nothing but cherry Coke and eating Oreos since they had gotten back to the hotel, hours before when they had nothing else to do but watch the shit hotel television which was stuck on the BBC. It was nearing 1:00 am. 

 

“I’ve never been so sober in my life.”

 

They must have fallen asleep in the early morning, somewhere around 3 o’clock, blissfully ignorant to the world around them and with the news on mute as they lay in each other’s arms. Mary didn’t think anything of it, except for that she was happy and pleasant with how she had gotten to this point. Her heart’s business was no one but her own. She knew it was nothing but fun, but she fund herself capable of dreaming when Lily’s heat was becoming her own. 

 

***

 

“ PETER PETTIGREW DEAD AT 24 ”

Chapter 6: if there's a fool around, it’s got to be me

Notes:

one day i'll go back and edit it, make it smoother but this is what there is now
ciao!
p.s this one's a doozy, so take your time, pace yourselves

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
oh daddy

 

Mary woke up by herself, reaching out for the patch on the bed where Lily was supposed to be and finding it empty. The sheets were cold, icy encasing her hand and she drew it back quickly and shivered, cold running down her back. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep in Lily’s room, but it had been late and they had fallen asleep before Mary could excuse herself.

 

It was the first time that they had. Lily usually made herself sparse after they were together, usually in Mary’s hotel room or in public. It was a formula they had become accustomed to, even if Mary wasn’t overly fond of it. 

 

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and rooted her hands in the front of her hair, where they stayed there, unable to move because she had forgotten her bonnet last night. She smiled to herself - Lily and her had remained up, talking and scrolling on their phones till at least one before they took over the situation themselves. It was almost like they were friends, not reporter and muse. She wondered that if maybe they had been born into another life, Mary would have had any chance of being friends with her. Lily was just… so lovely when she was being herself, when she had no cameras to act for no ruse she had to keep up. 

 

Mary felt her heart flutter slightly as she remembered going through her camera roll. 

“This was when Marlene had lost her vape,” Lily snickered. 

 

The picture wasn’t flattering at all, and there were a series of them, capturing Marlene Mckinnon, bassist for one of the greatest bands in modern society, scrambling for the cameralady, who Mary assumed was Lily. She was red in the face and the pictures were blurred with action, and in the background Dorcas and Alice seemed to be cackling. 

 

She scrolled past the others, most of them black blobs of meaningless shape. “I didn’t know she vaped,” Mary sighed. They were in a position where all Mary could do was either rest her head on Lily’s shoulder or on the pillow. She had tried the latter before Lily had placed her head onto her own shoulder and patted it gently as if to tell her to remain. Mary wasn’t going to argue with it. 

 

“She doesn’t anymore, these were a few months ago,” Lily explained. “She contracted a nasty cough for a week and the coughs she let out were insane-” Lily was laughing as she spoke and Mary felt a flutter in her chest at how free she was acting around her, the vibrations of her voice carried through her skin “- so Narcissa officially cut her off. It took a while, but now she barely even smokes. The power that woman has honestly.”

 

They watched a few videos of Lily singing, her sweet voice carrying through the speaker, tinny but brilliant. “Why don’t you sing? For the band?”

 

There was a moment before Lily responded with: “you don’t think focusing on chords takes up enough time?”

 

“Pettigrew does it,” Mary grumpily offered and Lily’s breath hitched. 

 

“Hmm. Maybe, but nowadays he just focuses on vocals, leaving the solos to Sirius.” There were moments where Lily picked and chose what she spoke about and this was one of them. Mary thought back to when they were first acquainted, the idea of Mary somehow picking her apart had been too much for Lily to stand. She liked her privacy, as any one should, and it seemed like she tried to keep as much of herself to herself. Mary didn’t blame her. 

 

They scrolled on when Lily turned her phone off and looked at Mary. “You can’t have me showing you everything of mine though,” she said. “There has to be something interesting you have.” 

 

Mary sighed begrudgingly and brought her phone out from the pillow, where it had been hidden. “What do you want to see?”

 

“Gotten any sexy pics I can have a gander at?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow and Mary pinched her. The guitarist yelped. “Can’t a girl have dreams?” But Mary opened her camera roll nonetheless and scrolled through. Lily pointed. “What's that?”

 

The picture was old, she had just taken a photo of it when she had been visiting home a few months ago. Her grandad had just passed away and she had gone back to spend time with her father. He seemed solemn, grieving, but she had never had a family member die before so she didn't know what to do. There was nothing she could say to make it any better, and there was definitely nothing that she could do. But she had gone home anyway, bought him a bottle of red wine and they had sat in the summer room and watched the buzzards come and go over the hedgerows. 

 

This picture, however, was of her 18th birthday. They had gone out on the piss, only an hour away to the nearer town where they had three shabby pubs and a club which might as well have been a care home. Her friends weren’t really her friends, so she didn’t go with them, but instead spent her time with her sisters, who were only a few years older than her. All three of them were dressed up as Queens: Mary herself being Queen Victoria (nothing had to be done since she was the shortest), her eldest being Elizabeth (black teeth and ginger wig) and her second eldest had been Queen Charlotte (which was by far the easiest and Mary would have been jealous if it wasn’t for the fact she was wearing a fatsuit). The picture was blurry, the original and been taken on a digital camera. It was simply a picture of a picture. 

 

“Who are they?” Lily asked, rolling over and tucking her chin into Mary’s neck.

 

Goosebumps rose on her forearms but she made no hint of any effect. 

 

“They’re my sisters,” she said. “It was my 18th, we went as Queens.”

 

“Who are you supposed to be?” 

 

“Vic.”

 

There was a pause and Lily chuckled. “Now that you say it, I can see that,” she said, laughing to herself. Mary felt her cheeks flush.

 

“I think I just wanted to wear that ribbon,” she said, pointing to the red one in her hair, keeping it in a bun. “It was my grandma’s and she had been so excited when she had given it to me, said she had worn it on her 18th, in her hair and she wanted me to wear it as well. My mother had forgotten to wear it, so she gave it to me and said: ma cerise, it was made for you. I still have it.”

 

“Your grandma was French?” Lily asked, zooming in gently to look closer at the ribbon with held up Mary’s sprayed white hair. 

 

“My mothers side was, yes, my dad was born in Jamaica though, moved here in the 80’s, met my mum and the rest was history.”

 

“That's cute,” Lily sighed. “Your family seems nice.”

 

“Well, I should think they are,” Mary laughed. “Do you not think I’m nice?”

 

Lily tilted her head up and looked her straight in the eyes. “I think you’re very nice,” she said lowly. “You’re brilliant.” Mary smiled but Lily’s eyes flickered back to the picture and the moment was broken. 

 

“So are you the youngest?” 

 

“Yes,” Mary said carefully. “Well - no, I’m the second youngest. My dad had a little boy too, his names’ Jacob. He’s actually a big fan of yours,” she said, looking to Lily to gauge her reaction. There was a little dent in her eyebrows. “Do you have any siblings?” 

 

Lily said nothing. She seemed to contemplate answering altogether before she sat up and Mary was unable to see her face. “Do you not even know that much?” She asked, her tone breathless and cynic. “Christ Mary, what kind of reporter even are you?”

 

“Um,” she felt awkward and her tongue was mega heavy in her mouth, and her mouth, it was dry, and she felt cold. She felt a little something bite at her and she panicked for a moment. It was all going so well, it all felt so comfortable.

“You really don’t know?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“No - Lils, what are you even talking about?” She asked, scooching forward a little so their knees touched. Lily looked at them and then backed up at Mary, she seemed pained, and annoyed. Mary backtracked. “You don’t have to tell me.”

 

“It’s not that,” she said, sighing and rubbing a hand over her face. “I can tell you, it’s not like it’s a secret. Everyone knows, I think people consider it a part of my, uh, charm, you could say.” Mary raised an eyebrow. “You really don’t know?”

 

“I don’t make it my business to go rooting around in celebrities' lives.” Lily looked flushed and she laughed. 

 

“Oh wow, you really don’t. Everyone knows!” 

 

“Well I don’t!” Mary said back, her voice rising slightly. “And to be honest, I’m starting to think you’re taking the piss and there's nothing to know at all.” She leaned back, out of Lily’s space and into the pillows, feeling disheartened and a little pissed off with how much Lily teased her. The redhead only chuckled though, lightly, and leaned back too. There was a moment's pause before Lily sighed again and told her. 

 

“W-what?” Mary stuttered. Her chest felt heavy and guilt began to spread. 

 

“I haven’t got any parents,” Lily repeated, matter of factly. “They died when I was 11, in a car crash. It wasn’t,” she breathed. “It wasn’t melodramatic or anything. It just happened. Me and- I was at school and, next thing I knew my headmaster had come in and he was all grave, like, and he said “Miss Evans can you please come with me” and…”

 

Mary kept quiet. 

 

“It was all very anticlimactic.” She said, shrugging. “I was upset-  it was shit, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t really think about it, I still don’t.”

 

“How can you not think about it?”

 

“It wasn’t a big deal,” she said, but her words had no thought in them. They had no emotion, it was like she had said it all before. “Word gets around that your parents die and, sure, you get sympathy , but all that really happens is that you have no parents anymore and you get booted into the system. I was in it until I was 18, the movies are right,” she sneered. “No one wants teenagers.” She sniffed, fidgeting before looking at the journalist with a queer smile. “I’m surprised you didn’t know. Everyone knows.”

 

“I didn’t know.”

 

“Well, you do now.” Lily laughed. “Honestly, Mares, you are the worst journalist I know.” The jab was supposed to sting, but all Mary felt was guilt for getting so pissy at her.  

 

Mary felt her temperature rise and she felt her stomach turn. There was a moment when all she wanted to do was reach out, take Lily by the shoulders and shake her. She wanted to shake all of the thoughts that Mary thought were stupid and careless and she wanted to shake her. She swallowed. “You were in foster care?”

 

Lily smiled. “Don’t give me that, it wasn’t all too bad. I went to a boarding school, so most of the time I didn’t have guardians. Few foster parents here and there, but when they realised that they wouldn’t get half the money they thought they would because I was going to a school somewhere else, people dropped me quick. Besides, to stay there, and keep the freedom I thought I had, I had to keep up my scholarship so I was pretty much distracted a lot of the time. Scholarships don’t grow on trees.”

 

“Where did you go?” 

 

“A place called Fettes-“

 

“Lily! That’s well posh!” She laughed loudly at Mary’s reaction. Suddenly a lot of the guitarist made sense, her manners (when sober), her idiolect and the intelligible conversations they could withhold for hours if uninterrupted. Mary looked at her, and past the exterior she put on Lily was now shaping up to be not what she had imagined. “Gosh.. I only went to Chiswick.”

 

“Chiswicks good enough!” She chuckled.

 

“Yeah but…”

 

“It’s not like it added up to anything, except for that the music teacher at the time was friends with a few musicians so I got private tutoring for guitar lessons. That alone cost me.. way too much, but I had help. I had moral support, my friends were there, James, and that’s all I needed.” She swallowed.

 

“Then I had Harry…” She inhaled deeply and exhaled shakily. “I suppose losing parents makes you a shit one.”

 

Lily had never open spoken about her son. She never made it a point to, but all Mary could think about was the conversation she had overheard way back between Lily and James. She felt embarrassed for thinking that perhaps they had been talking about someone else, someone more “important” than their son. 

 

Mary sat back and stared at Lily. She was biting her lip savagely, like she did when she was nervous. Mary put her thumb on the guitarist’s lip, holding Lily’s jaw in her hand and pressing her fingers onto her skin and moving her face towards her. Lily raised an eyebrow, teasingly, and smiled.

 

“Yes? Can I help you?” 

 

“Let me just look at you.” Looking at Lily was always easy because there was so much to look at. Green eyes, and freckles. Mary counted as far as she could go before she got distracted by Lily’s studs - two on each lobe, plain silver. She reached for them and Lily giggled, except for that she didn’t giggle. It wasn’t something that Lily did. 

 

“What is so interesting?” She asked, and her eyes were doelike. “There can’t be anything that fascinating on my face.” 

 

“You’re not a shit parent.” Lily looked slightly irritated. 

 

“You have no room to say anything,” she replied tensely. “You have your perfect family and you’re perfect siblings and mother-” She pulled her face in and rested their forehead together. Lily swallowed her words immediately. 

 

“You’re not a shit mother,” she repeated. “I might not fully understand, and I may not know you. But Lily, you are not a shit mother and I’m sure he doesn’t think that either.” At that moment, Mary felt connected. Like their thoughts were intertwined and they had an empathic link that was bonded straight down to their cores. Past the petty facades and the angry intervals. Passed the fake persona that Lily forced upon herself everyday. She sighed.

 

“Sometimes, I don’t feel like a mother. I feel like someone who’s run away.”

She had taken it upon herself to deviate the conversation after that.

 

Mary dropped her hand from her face. Her whole body tingled, sparsely dressed underneath the sheets, as she dosed, sunlight trickling through the window and making the room warm. It had to be early in the morning, but there was no reason for her body to be so limp and heavy. Mary was a proactive person, and had been making notes that went nowhere for the past three weeks in the early hours of the morning when the others were asleep, so it wasn’t like she wasn’t used to being awake this early. But then she remembered Lils’ breath in her ear and the way her eyelashes fluttered shut and- Mary let out a quiet, pleased scream and buried her head into the pillows. 

 

She felt like she was in college again, or in primary school, each one had been ladled with crushes and people she had looked on from afar, biting her lip and thinking: yes, please. But nothing had ever come out of it. Mary didn’t know what love was, but she used to think she loved Emmeline. And maybe once upon a time, she had convinced herself that Emmeline had loved her - but the photographer had always been fickle. Lily wasn’t fickle. The long nights when Emmeline and Mary would lie together were similar but this time, it was different. Lily, Mary thought to herself as her head plunged into a brown darkness, was something else entirely. They had known each other for only a few weeks, but Mary found herself thinking she had known her for her whole life. She felt as if they had walked the same path together.

 

Mary wasn’t stupid. She knew that wasn’t true, but there was something in her which yearned for Lily. Of course, no one could even know about it. They would call it idolisation, or something else which would make Mary feel embarrassed. Lily was a pipe dream. She was just like those college fantasies, nothing more, nothing less but yet - 

 

But yet. Her hear- her body, yearned for her. 

 

Mary sighed, closing her eyes properly and endeavoured in letting herself dose off again. If it was a pipe dream, then sure enough she could dream about in her sleep. 

 

What made her rise was when she heard voices from just outside the door of Lily’s hotel room, and she didn’t want to be caught by someone. From what Mary knew, no one knew of their little relationship (it wasn’t even a relationship, it wasn’t even a situationship, it was nothing) and this wasn’t how she was about to be caught: half naked and practically mauled. 

 

Thankfully, she was dressed when the door opened, and Lily came storming in before slamming the door closed in Narcissa’s face. The blond slapped a hand on the wood, shouting something incoherent before clearly walking away. Lily looked wrecked, but not in a good way or in the classic way she always upheld. No, she looked distraught. 

 

Her hair was down but it was greasy and she clearly hadn’t showered that morning, and the make up that was on her face seemed to have just been thrown up on her rather than tactically placed, like she managed to do. And she was stumbling - her feet were tripping herself up and there were bags under her eyes which shouldn’t have been there. 

 

“Lils?” Mary started, looking at her and then reaching for her. Lily pulled away like Mary was an open wire, and looked at her with her red rimmed eyes. Mary thought she saw an emotion but there was nothing. Her face had turned plain, and her hands were restlessly tugging at the rings on her fingers in a way which would hurt her. 

 

She breathed. “Peter died last night.”

 

Then she ran to the toilet and started to heave into the bowl.

 

***

 

The rest of the day was very quiet. The tour had been put on hold and there was no confirmation of it being indefinite. Mary was torn on whether she wanted it to or not. On one hand, she didn’t want this experience to end, but on the other she knew deep down that the girls were not going to be in the right headspace for it any more.

 

Lily was rapidly drinking, eating and then throwing it all up in a pattern. She had been doing this since when she had gotten back that morning, ordering food service, burning through pound sterling like it was arcade tokens, and eating it all. Four bottles of champagne had been gone through and Mary hadn’t had a single drop. No one had, except for Lily. 

 

Alice had poked her head in for ten minutes but quickly got into an argument with the redhead when she had demanded: “Will you stop fucking drinking?” Mary had to hold her back from throwing a plate at her. 

 

She decided to take a walk after the sixth round of food and furthermore the sixth round in the toilet. Mary felt helpless and she didn’t think that Lily was in the right headspace now for her to be in the room with her. 

 

“I’m going out,” Mary sighed, resting her head on the doorframe. Lily was sitting by the toilet, leaning against the bath with a cigarette in hand. Mary knew she wasn’t allowed to be smoking in there, but Lily was on too much of a warpath for anything to deter her, let alone Mary judging her. She just gazed over her, same as she did when they first met, and suddenly Mary felt like she was on the first step again. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you in a bit.” Lily said nothing in response.

 

Feeling restless, and a little unsure of what to do, she made her way to Dorcas and Marlene’s room, knocking gently. There was no sound from within but then the door opened. Marlene stood in the doorway, the room dark behind her and gave Mary a piercing look. 

 

“What do you want?” She demanded. 

 

“I- I just-” 

 

“I’m not in the mood for any questions right now, Mcdonald, take your shorthand somewhere else-” She began to shut the door in Mary’s face but the journalist pushed her foot out. 

 

“I just wanted to see how you are!” She said, raising her voice. Marlene hushed her immediately and rolled her eyes before coming out fully from the room and standing outside. Her e-cigarette twiddled in her fingers. 

 

“Can you not read a room? Dorcas is asleep.” 

 

“Oh, right, sorry.” There was an awkward silence. “So, are you?”

 

“I’m fucking fantastic, Mary,” she said and then asked: “hows Lily holding up?”

 

“Not very well,” she said, breathing out. “I don’t know how to help.”

 

“You can’t help,” Marlene said immediately. “Theres nothing that you can do, theres only one man right now who could even attempt to piece a semblance of the puzzle that Lily but right now he’s in fucking tatters so.” She kissed her teeth. “She’ll tire herself of it at some point.”

 

Mary wished that she had nothing to say to that, but the way Marlene said it so obnoxiously, vapour coming out of her mouth, irked her in a way she had never expected. 

 

“Right.”

 

“Right.”

 

“So I just have to watch her tear herself apart then?”

 

Marlene shrugged, looking a little guilty by her words but then resolutely going against it and her face hardened again. “That’s all any of us can do - this isn’t the first time she’s been like this. Last time I tried to snap her out of it she almost broke my jaw. Leave her alone.” 

 

Marlene measured her with a look before settling on the floor. Mary felt her blood boil. “She is your friend, and you’re not going to do anything to help her?”

 

“It’s not like she’s the only one who this has upset alright, but she’s the only one who’s fucked up enough to take it this way,” Marlene hissed. “People die all the time, it’s not a commodity. It’s life, and this time Peter went too far and fucked it for himself. He didn’t just fuck it for himself though, he was a selfish bastard to fuck it for all of us too. For me, Lily, Dorcas, James, Sirius, Regulus, Barty, Evan- Everyone, he might be dead but he’s not the only one who this all affects, you need to understand that Mary.” She pointed at her, her fingertip had been torn apart. No longer was it long, Mary understood she wasn’t one to decorate them, but she had never seen it quite so bitten. The nail was down to the quick and the corners of her cuticles had been bitten and looked sorely red. 

 

“I tried my best, you know? To stop him. At the end of the day, this is my fault, and now he’s gone. So, no, theres nothing I can do but hope and pray, realistically , that another one of my best friends don’t fucking kill themselves through substances.” She twitched and took another toke off of her vape pen. “You wouldn’t know it, but shit like this happens all the time. It’s rife in this line of work, people with no names but talent die every day. It’s no big shit. It’s just the way things are.”

 

She finished and opened the door to let herself back in again. “Just go back to where you come from, to behind your computer, reporter scum.” 

 

***

 

Mary didn’t really know how to feel after that so she made her up to the rooftop bar to take an hour long fag break. She felt sick to her stomach and the smoke wasn’t helping, but inherently she didn’t know what to do with herself. She was tired and the pleasant bubble she had been in had popped and she felt like it was never going to come back. In times like these she struggled to convince herself that any of this would ever get better.

 

She didn’t want to go back to her hotel room. It was a mess, clothes that weren’t hers were strewn about the place, and the bathroom had makeup all over the sink. So instead, she knocked onto Lily’s door and helped herself in. 

 

All traces of plates or glasses had been cleared and all Lily was doing was sitting on the edge of the queen bed with a plastic cup of water in her hand. 

 

“What’s happened here?” Mary started, placing her bag down on the bed. Lily shrugged and her words were slurred.

 

“Manager came in and ordered me to get my shit together. The Tour’s still going to continue.”

 

Mary swallowed. That was not what she had expected to hear. Everything seemed to be on a steep decline. Peter’s death, Lily’s breakdown, Marlene’s outburst, the tour still ongoing- everything. Everything was turning into shit and Mary was not built for this. She was not built for this life, for these drugs, deaths and devastation. She was just a journalist - not one of the rats but one that wrote about life and success. 

 

“Lily-”

 

“What are you still doing here anyway?” Lily demanded suddenly. She stood, the water fell to the ground and spilt on the floor. “You have the biggest fucking inside scoop. No one has made any statements, nothing but rumours have been released, paper after paper, none of them the truth, but you have everything everyone wants to know. You probably have footage of Peter off his fucking tits last night - why haven’t you released anything?” Mary held her breath. 

 

“It’s not my place.”

 

“It’s exactly your place! It’s your fucking job !” Lily roared. She was wild and she was red, her face flushed with anger. “You know what? I’ll fucking write it for you.”

 

 She stormed past Mary, shoving her slightly by the shoulder and ripped a piece of paper from the Bible that was in the bedside tables drawer. Mary watched in horror as Lily somehow produced a pen and began to scribble onto the wafer thin paper, the pen dragging across it and threatening to rip it in shreds. 

 

“Breaking News, Peter Pettigrew, the fucking drug addict, dead at 24 after overdosing- who wouldn’t have seen it coming!” She shouted, stalking steadily towards Mary just like a predator. “He was so off his fucking rocker that he died, right there at the scene after convulsing there on the floor like the smackhead he was. No one tried to help him, but instead they took videos and pictures- insert my own here.” A bit of spittle flew off and onto Mary’s cheek. She clenched her fists. “ No one did anything as band members James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin tried resuscitation on the already cold fucking body !”

 

“Lily, stop.”

 

“Meanwhile, I’m having the time of my life with Lily Evans, I hope her husband doesn’t find out about this- oops, sorry, EX-HUSBAND, I wonder how her kid would feel about her lesbian mother?” The pen finally broke through to the back of the paper.

 

“Lily.”

 

“Who would have guessed that Gryffins lead guitarist was so cold hearted! Sleeping with a press member while her friend was dying in a dark, abandoned traphouse in Swansea-” Mary reached out and gripped Lily’s wrist as she tore the paper from her hand. 

 

“ Fucking stop !” There was silence as Lily’s face dropped and the pen in her hand fell to the floor. Blood drained from her face and she went pale. Her lip quivered. The paper fluttered to the floor, revealing the black scrawls on the finely printed text. Luke 5: 20.

 

Then she cried. Lily Evans slowly crumbled into Mary’s arms and she held her tightly, feeling her bony structure beneath her skin and the clammy sweat that had accumulated on the back of her neck. Mary fought her hands through her messed hair and smoothed it out best she could. “Let it out.”

 

Lily didn’t wail, she didn’t sob but she cried and tears flew down her cheeks like all dams in front of her had broken. Mary’s heart broke for her. It seemed like she was being quiet on purpose, like more was willing to break out of her, but nothing was being allowed to. The pressure she had on herself was making every emotion come out muted and weather worn. There was no eye of the hurricane inside of her, only turmoil and rising waves that wouldn’t let her breach the surface of the ocean. 

 

Marlenes sordid words echoed in Mary’s head. “It’s rife in this line of work, people with no names but talent die every day. It’s no big shit. It’s just the way things are.” Marlene’s attitude made her sting.

 

“So I just have to watch her tear herself apart then?”

 

“That’s all any of us can do.”

 

“Leave her alone.”

 

“She’ll tire herself of it at some point.”

 

Mary held her tightly, squeezing her and telling herself that she would never let Lily handle this on her own again. She stroked the back of her head. “I’m sure you tried.”

 

***

 

“The Marauders are releasing a statement in an hour, the tour is going on but we’re going to be a week behind schedule. Hog-Warts doesn’t want to waste the money we’ve spent and doesn’t want to refund the profits. So the show goes on,” Narcissa explained. Lily said nothing, staring blankly at her torso. Narcissa always had a way of making herself seem presentable. She had a certain level of professionalism that Mary never thought she would muster. “I’m taking all of your phones, I don’t want anyone sneaking out of this establishment until I’ve received further instructions.”

 

“How’s James?” Lily’s voice was barely a whisper, cracked and shaking. “Can I please call him before you take it away?” Narcissa seemed to contemplate for a moment, whether it was the use of the please or the desperation inside of Lily’s voice, Mary didn’t know. She seemed to not know a lot of things. She shook her head anyway, which made me Lily hang her head in defeat.

 

Narcissa breathed loudly through her nose. “McGonagall’s asking them to produce a statement for tomorrow. They’re all struggling, but they’ve found a replacement so they’ll be okay.” That was all she said. Mary stood quietly to the side and Narcissa spared her a look. “Call the receptionist on the hotel’s phone if you want to see me.” Lily made no acknowledgement of her advice but Mary heeded it. The manager turned to her and smiled tightly. 

 

“Miss Mcdonald, I understand how out of place you might be feeling right now,” she said. “I suppose it would be better if we call off this engagement. I can arrange you transport home, on us, as an apology for the mess-”

 

“Mary stays.” The journalist looked at Lily. Her eyes were glassy but set and her lips were pursed. “Mary stays,” she repeated, glaring at Narcissa.

 

“I should think the choice is up to her, Lily,” the lady said heatedly. “Besides, this is hardly the time to be getting attached to anyone-”

 

“Mary stays!” She shouted, as if her words were not loud enough before. Mary flinched slightly. 

 

Narcissa sighed and ran a hand through her loose hair. “Miss Mcdonald, the choice is yours.” She looked from Narcissa and then to Lily. The guitarist looked… frightening, in all honesty. Her hair knotted and her eyes red, but there was fire there. There was fire there that Lily hadn’t had for a long time and Mary felt weak. 

 

“I’ll stay,” she said. “I have a job to do.” 

 

Narcissa shared a suspicious look between the two of them for a moment before ultimately nodding. “Lily, you aren’t to leave your room. Management is going to be relocating us soon, somewhere remote so that no one can track you there. I’ll come visit you tomorrow morning.” Lily nodded. Narcissa nodded to Mary on her way out. 

 

***

 

Mary stayed with her that night and the rest of the next day. Lily was quiet and didn’t eat. It worried her, how much she had made a U turn in mindset. She still drank, there was nothing that Mary could do to stop it, but considering she was slipping in and out of consciousness for the whole day, she didn’t think anything of it. 

 

Mary didn’t touch her notes, and added nothing to them either. She didn’t want to remind herself of the stronger version of the rockstar when the real version was next to her, sleeping uncomfortably with her nose scrunched and her hands clenching the bed sheets. She didn’t want to write anything about Peter either, thinking foolishly that if she maybe didn’t write anything then it would all not be true.

 

At 9:00 that night, Lily woke up, showered and got back into bed and asked Mary if she could order some food. They ate a big dinner, and thankfully Lily kept it down. They feasted on cheeseburgers and onion rings. Lily put way too much mustard on hers and picked out two pickles so she could keep one in it. She demolished it in seconds and then joked about ordering another. She didn’t.

 

At 10:30 there was a knock on the door and Mary answered it to see Marlene, Dorcas and Alice. Marlene glared at her but Dorcas and Alice held her immediately in a hug which engulfed all of her senses. They smelt like incense, comfortably feminine and warm. Dorcas’ Dior perfume was encasing and Alice smelt like Aloe Vera. Mary was unsure what she did to deserve such comfort but they both looked tired and she welcomed it with open arms. They passed her over to Marlene afterwards and joined Lily in bed, tucking themselves next to her and taking her in their arms as well. 

 

Marlene stayed with her by the doorway for a second before clearing her voice. “Cas told me that I was being a cunt yesterday,” she muttered, looking at the girls in the bed. She sniffed. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were blotchy. “And before you say anything, I agree, she was right. I was being a cunt. What I said about Lily was… awful and I shouldn’t have called you-”

 

“Marlene, please.” Mary didn’t know what she was saying because what Marlene had said had fucking hurt. But when she put it into perspective, and she thought about what else the bassist had said, she knew that being called that compared to having one of your closest friends die, it was a small loss. Marlene looked lost for words so instead offered her hand for a shake. 

 

Mary took it in both of hers and smiled. “I know you’re grieving right now, and I know that you care about Lily. Most likely a lot more than you let on. It’s okay.” Marlene looked at her hand encased in Mary’s with wide eyes before breaking out into a small smile, before putting her other hand on the other. 

 

“You’re not too bad, Mcdonald.” 

 

Mary was surprisingly pulled into the pile when they both joined them, along with Marlene. It was weird, being included in this group of celebrities, but then Mary realised that they weren’t any different from her. They were just girls, they were famous yeah, but they were just Alice, Marlene, Dorcas and Lily. But then the TV was turned on, and they sat in quiet as they waited for the one story they were waiting for to appear on the news. 

 

Peter flashed on the screen. It wasn’t a very good picture, but it was one of him with the rest of the Marauders, and they looked significantly younger. In a front room, with three palettes and one big, black recliner in the corner. The wallpaper was peeling, but all four of them were grinning, wide, feral grins. Mary’s heart shattered as Alice let out a large sniff. “I remember taking that picture.”

 

“Breaking news: 20 hours after devastation, musician and vocalist for international stars, the Marauders, Peter Pettigrew died on scene due to overdose of drugs at a remote rave in Swansea.” The news reporter said, gravely looking at the screen. “Fans have been grieving worldwide, over one of society's most influential talents overdosed after indulging in a substance laced with Fentanyl . The death, according to witnesses on the scene, was traumatic and quick. Members of the Marauders were found on the scene, as well as members of The Gryffins, and they were quickly evacuated before things got messy.”

 

There was a blurry video that flashed onto the TV quickly. Mary stared, shocked, as Peter was displayed on the floor. Floodlights had been turned on and Sirius, James and Remus were curled over his body. It was cut off quickly. “The Marauders themselves have released a statement regarding their UK tour that they were sharing with the fellow Gryffins tonight. London based record label Hog-Warts says the tour shall be resuming, but an uncertain period so everyone can mourn over this tragic loss.”

 

The screen cut to Sirius. He looked terrible, but put together enough to not be a laughing stock on national television. Mary chewed but didn’t bite on her nail as he spoke. 

 

“Peter was a class musician, he really put himself into our songs and you can hear that when we play. He was our best friend, and an apex to our band. Nothing will be the same anymore.” He paused. “But… the ones that love us never truly leave us, and as we play he’ll still be here with us.” The edit clearly cut a piece out of what he said. “As for who will be taking his place for the rest of the tour, my brother has been invited to play with us for the remainder of the tour. Thank you for your patience and we’ll see you very soon.” 

 

The report finished and Alice switched the TV off. All of them sat in silence for a while, until Marlene mumbled something along the lines of: “I wish we could call them right now.” Alice hiccuped.

Chapter 7: i'm never going back again

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
never going back

The airbnb that Narcissa had found for them all was massive and hidden away in the trees. They had been here for a couple of weeks now, sitting around, reading, playing music and checkers. None of them had been able to speak to any of the Marauders and it seemed like they were all going spare. 

 

Mary, all fairness, completely understood. The way that it was all conducted had given her an off feeling; like all of the Gryffins had been thrown away into a hidden corner of the world. They felt isolated, there had been multiple rows about it, and Mary did too. Her phone had been taken just like the others (“I’m sorry,” Narcissa said to hr as she pocketed it, “it’s just precautionary.”), she had been fine with it at first but now all she could think about was her friends and family who had tried to contact her and see if she was ok. Going awol for a couple of weeks was a shit compromisation, but then again she knew that she was a journalist and her sisters were nosey. 

 

The living room was quiet except for the TV. Another news reel was playing, talking about the long due death of the Marauders lead vocalist and then it was switched it. Dorcas, sitting in a black satin robe with the softest cuffs that Mary had ever seen, sighed and dipped her head into her hands, rubbing at her face like she was trying to rid herself of any impending wrinkles. Marlene was sitting and fiddling with her bass, the orange vest she was wearing slightly dipping off of her shoulder. She looked pale, which was odd since she had a naturally tanned complexion, and tired which was to be expected. 

 

The front door that lead into the hallway opened and Narcissa and Alice came in, they shook off the rain which had made their coats sodden. Mary had never had much time to notice what the others did over the past few weeks, but now in their temporary vacation (or abduction) she had noticed that Alice and Mrs Malfoy were usually seen together, or more like missing together. The two ladies laughed slightly at something as they hung up their rain macs, and Mary paid attention to the way that Narcissa’s mouth slightly curved in the corner. 

 

She looked happy. 

 

The manager came into the room, smile disappeared now. “Where’s Lily?” She asked, looking at each band member calmly. Alice dropped onto the loveseat with Mary and looped an arm round her shoulder. 

 

Marlene shrugged, not looking up. “She went out for a walk not long before the rain started.”

“She said she was going to find you,” Dorcas said, levelling Narcissa with a look. There was urgency, the house they were staying in had miles of private estate with walls and Mary knew that Lily couldn’t have gotten that far, in fact not at all, considering she knew exactly where she was (maybe). The manager didn’t seem best pleased however. 

 

“And no one thought to go look for her?” She asked, giving them a raised eyebrow. She gave the bassist and the drummer a look, asking for their cooperation but when neither of them returned it Alice looked at her with pleading eyes. She deflated. “Fine, if none of you will- Mary, would you mind going to look for her?” 

 

The journalist looked up from her book. “Sorry?”

 

“Why does she need to go?” Marlene asked, laughing and noting something down in the book on her knee. 

 

“They’re together all the time, shouldn’t see why she doesn’t have an inkling of where shes gotten to.”

 

“The idiots probably just gotten stuck in the rain,” Marlene countered, giving her some attention now. “She only went out in her jacket, she’s probably waiting it out somewhere.” That did nothing to weather Narcissa and it seemed to make her a little worse. 

 

“Then one of you should definitely go.” There was no response, and Mary looked to each of them. Narcissa tutted: “fine then, I will.”

 

“She can handle herself,” Marlene snorted. 

 

“As your manager I need to ensure that all of you are at your full capacity- we could be heading back onto the tour any day now and having her getting a cold is not in our best interests.” She left the room and through the doorway they all saw her put on her coat again. 

 

Mary sighed and placed her dogeared page before standing up. 

 

“I’ll go,” she said. The others looked at her with appreciation. Except for that she knew that if Narcissa went then the whole situation would only accelerate and then they would be at each other's necks before they knew it. Especially Lily. 

 

She had been nothing short of tempestuous since they had gotten here, having made multiple attempts to walk out of the front gates with her suitcase before being pulled back by each of them individually in turn. Since the 7th attempt she had either been going on walks with Mary or in her room playing music. Tunes that none of them knew had been floating out of the guitarist’s room, the amp she had turned up to max volume and Mary was grateful that they were near no one otherwise they would have definitely had noise complaints by now. 

 

Alice took her hand and squeezed it, giving her a lovely smile, as if she was taking chores that none of them wanted to do. Mary didn’t feel like that though, Lily had never been a chore to her. 

 

***

 

She had been where she was expected. In the faux marble gazebo in the right corner of the grounds, sitting with her jacket pulled tight to her as she watched the rain cascade from the sky. Mary brought her umbrella in as she entered the shelter and unzipped her parka, one of the only pieces of the smattering of clothing that Lily had let her keep. The guitarist gave her a blank look before shuffling over on the stone bench. 

 

“You shouldn’t wander off like this,” Mary said to her. She pulled the parka off and draped it around the guitarist who was trying to inconspicuously sniff away the incoming cold. 

 

“The house gets so suffocating,” she said. “But, the gardens I like.”

 

It was true, the garden was beautiful, and grand. It was a long stretch, around 2 acres, and perimetered by a giant wall covered in wiry ivy. Trees and bushes, flower patches were all easily maintained by the groundskeepers who had wished their condolences before leaving them alone and minding their business with a smile as they did their duties. 

 

“They remind me of James’ parents.” She faltered. “They were very nice to both of us, all the time. And everyone else. They were proper parents, not like Marlenes, or Alices’. Or Petes.” 

 

There was a paused and all they did was watch the rain form a stream down the stairs of the gazebo and down the slant of grass. 

 

“They sound like nice people,” Mary replied. 

 

“They were.” Mary bit her tongue and looked at Lily. She seemed so emotionless, or calm, it was hard to differentiate when it came to the rockstar. The makeup on her eyes had been there for days, despite them both having showers together. Lily always looked after her and then before Mary knew it, they were out and clean and wrapped in each other’s arms and towels.

 

None of the band members knew about it, or at least Mary didn’t think they did. Mary wondered if that was what Lily wanted, if she wanted to keep Mary as a little secret. She would have felt offended, but then she thought about how Lily was like her little secret. She had Lily like this, right now, not arguing or shouting or screaming, or plucking at guitar strings until her fingers turned red and bleeding and blistering. 

 

The journalist slipped her hand out of her armpits, where she had been squeezing to savour the warmth and took the woman’s hand in her own. They were scabby around her mid length nails, looking like she had attacked them once more. She smoothed the skin between knuckles and squeezed it. 

 

“Narcissa just told us that we could be back on tour any day now,” she started. “You didn’t say anything.”

 

She hummed. “I didn’t want to. I don’t want to.” 

 

“You’ll have to go back at some point,” Mary whispered. The other shrugged. 

 

“I don’t want to go back,” she said. “I want to find James and find out if he's okay, I want to give Sirius a kiss on the forehead and then I want to give Remus a slap for being such a fucking cunt-” she cut herself off, forehead furrowing. “And then I want to go home.”

 

“Home?” Mary echoed. Lily gave her a despairing smile. 

 

“What did you think I lived on the tour bus or something?” Mary felt her cheeks go red and she coughed an excuse. 

 

“Well, no-”

 

“I have a home,” she said, pausing for a moment and Mary let her take a moment. “It’s not as big as this, and it’s kind of old, I guess. James and I just took a load of the old furniture from his parents and spread it about. It smelt like them I guess, thats why he liked it.” She swallowed. “Thats why Harry liked it.”

 

“Harry- your son, right?” She laughed mirthlessly and nodded.

 

“Yes, Mary, my little boy.” 

 

“Where is he right now?” Mary asked, stroking her hand more, gently. 

 

“He’s, um..” She frowned and then she looked utterly horrified. “I don’t actually know where he is right now.” 

 

Mary stopped stroking her hand with her thumb and looked at Lily confused. “What do you mean?”

 

Lily looked at her and her eyes were glassy. “I don’t know where my son is,” she said. “At the beginning of the tour, James had him. He had been travelling with the band- that was when Peter was doing better. Then he had left him at- he was with McGonagall. But… it’s been so long since I spoke to him, Harry could be anywhere right now.” 

 

Mary felt sick at the mention and then Lily curled in on herself, the parka falling from her shoulders and collected on the bench. 

 

“I’m such a shit mother, I should never have-” Mary gripped her shoulder hard. 

 

“Whatever you’re about to say, do not fucking say it,” she commanded and Lily looked up at her, the make up smudged down her face. “Do not say it, because you can never take anything like that.”

 

“I’m a fuck up, we’re all fucking fuck ups-”

 

“Lily Evans.” The guitarist stopped moving and she looked at Mary with wide eyes. The lady just gripped her shoulder harder. “You are not a fuck up- yes you might have done some fucked up shit, but who hasn’t? It’s unfair to say that, to yourself and to say about it to the others, when you’re just trying to fucking deal with what you have. You’re hardworking, you’re amazing, you’re beautiful and you’re caring. You are so caring, Lily, so can you please just shut up?” 

 

The guitarist looked at her with wide eyes before nodding and wiping her eyes. “I haven’t spoken to him in months,” she said. The journalist released her grip and instead decided to rub her back. 

 

“Let's talk to Narcissa, yeah?” She suggested. “Get your phone back so we can send him a text or something, yeah?” 

 

“I want to go home, I don’t want to do this anymore,” she whispered to herself. Mary felt her heartbreak. 

 

***

 

When they returned, Alice had a towel and two mugs of tea waiting for them, still steaming from the kettle and with honey. Lily sat placidly on the cough, the first time she had sat in the living room with the others and watched as they spoke amongst themselves. Her eyes were still dark, literally and figuratively, but Mary felt hopeful. In the loveseat, she fell asleep against Mary’s side. No one said anything - but Dorcas looked at her with a knowing smile. 

 

***

 

The next morning, Mary woke up alone. It felt cold and the rain outside was still pouring down like it had never stopped raining in the history of time. The space next to her was cold too, like Lily hadn’t been there for a very long time. But her sunglasses were still on the side with her vaseline. 

 

Then she heard a shout and Mary shot out of bed. 

 

Her blood was rushing to her head as she reached Dorcas and Marlene’s room, where the door had been thrown open and Narcissa was shouting. 

 

Narcissa, Mary realised, got angry a lot. She shouted, screamed practically, and when really furious just leveled everyone with a heavy gaze. She excused herself for heated phone calls, Alice always tagging close behind, sometimes from the Hog-Warts Industry - a lot of times from her husband.

 

But the way she was shouting now, clear through the paper thin walls of the holiday home, sounded desperate, accusatory and tired. The darkness from the clouds beyond Mary’s window made her light the room up with the warm light of the lamp. There was an eeriness about it, as she rose from the bed, throwing on a hoodie and slipping on her uggs. 

 

The hallway lights were on and when Mary passed Narcissa’s room, the door was open and she was apparently already packing. Papers were thrown across the floor, jewellry on the bedside table in an orderly fashion. From the doorway opposite and to Mary’s left, Alice watched concerned, biting her lip, from the doorway of Dorcas and Marlene’s room.

 

Marlene was staring out of the window, the rain pouring down it on the other side, holding her phone to her ear and listening to the dialling like it was speaking to her. When it went to answer phone, she hung up and kissed her teeth. 

 

“Knowing her, she’s probably long gone by now,” she said, flopping onto the bed, her vest riding up and revealing her tattoos. Dorcas put a hand on her shoulder. 

 

“We’ll just have to go looking for her,” the drummer stated. Narcissa turned and shook her head, she was red in the face and her hair was almost a rat’s nest.

 

“You all need to be in London by tomorrow for the interview- and the concert on Thursday, we need the guitarist- everything is falling apart!” She was all but pulling her hair out and it made Mary’s heart sink to see her like this. Cool, calm and collected, she always had to be. Seeing her like this was a punch to the gut. 

 

“Cissa, you have to take deep breaths-” 

 

“Alice, can you please not touch me right now.” The vocalist recalled her hand from reaching for the manager and instead placed it on her bicep. Mary took a deep breath. 

 

“Mrs Malfoy, maybe if you gave me my phone back, I could try and reach her.” The look that Narcissa was sceptical at the barest of minimum. But, eyes bloodshot and breathing unsteady, she reached into her backpack and pulled out a little bag and brought out Mary’s singular phone. 

 

She wanted to run away with it then, call her and pray that she would pick up. But instead, she was weighed down by the heavy gaze of every single Gryffin. She pressed the name, which wasn’t really a name but an emoji of a red guitar, and she held it to her ear as she took deep breathes. 

 

She wasn’t sure what she was waiting for. She didn’t think anything of it - her holding the phone to her ear like it was normal and that it was something she had been doing for the past years of her life. Lily was a riot in the first case, but had become mundanity in the second. She had become something which Mary couldn’t see herself going without, something she knew that she had to keep aflame for years to come. Truthfully, Lily was someone who she had found herself falling in love with - deeply. Dark and hopeful, mysterious and caring, Lily was Lily. 

 

Mary’s breath caught in her throat when the dialling stopped, but when it continued again, she found it was at the voice of the automated voicemail service for “Lils”. Her voice was calm and carefree. It hadn’t been like that at a long time. 

 

The journalist took the phone down from her ear and shook her head. Marlene laughed in the background mirthlessly. “We are so screwed.”

 

She didn’t know why she would have been any different.

Chapter 8: i'm just secondhand news

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
secondhand news

 

Watching archival footage of the woman she had a fling with was most likely not the healthiest coping mechanism, but Mary had gone down into a spiral. Lily was on the stage. It was a performance for the Late Night Show, where Alice had a cold and wasn’t able to perform. This had clearly left Lily in charge of singing, her voice harsh when it came out of Mary’s tinny phone speakers. She almost scream into the microphone, guitar sung round her back and almost forgotten as the crowd screamed at her, with her, they reached for the unreachable as the camera flew like a ghost across their heads. 

“And oh you love to hate me- don’t you honey? I’m your sacrifice!” 

It was prior to her break up with James, it had gone viral in less than an hour as the news leaked onto twitter and then onto the news. People had watched as Lily had clearly broken down on the stage, singing a song she hadn’t even written about someone who she supposedly didn’t care about. 

“You poor sweet innocent thing- dry your eyes, and testify-” The close up intensified the sweat which had clearly collected on her brow, her fringe stuck to it wetly. Her blackened eyes were almost crusted together by the make up, and Mary couldn’t see the green eyes she was used to staring into. 

The door to the council room opened and she startled. Mary turned her phone off quickly and shoved it behind her person as Narcissa walked in alongside Marlene. They both looked solemn. 

The meeting room of Hog-Warts was much lighter today than it had been when Mary had first came here. Less smokey and easier to breathe in, her company is easier now than it had been when she first met any of the Gryffins and their entourage. Narcissa sighed and sat down opposite her while Marlene looked at her phone, typing away a message before shrugging. 

“Any luck?” Mary asked timidly, hoping that the answer was positive despite the body language telling her otherwise. 

Narcissa shook her head while Marlene looked at her like she was an idiot. “What do you think, McDonald?” 

They had returned to base. All of them. 

With their phones returned, they counted their messages and read through them separately back in the airbnb before they departed. Dorcas had gone rigid when she had viewed them, holding tightly onto Marlene’s hand until it turned white. Alice had excused herself, immediately calling a secret someone. Mary had seen the multitude of messages from Emmeline, asking question over question, some concerning the elephant in the room and rarely any considering Mary herself. 

London seemed more suffocating than before, Mary thought, and she wondered when she would be told to leave and go home. She thought to herself that it wouldn’t be long - but she had suspicions that she was only being kept because Narcissa thought she would be helpful in case Lily would contact her. Mary didn’t think so, if Lily had cared to contact then Mary was definitely not the first one he would call. After everything, she wasn’t sure who would be the first person the guitarist would turn to. 

Her phone buzzed against her back and Mary reached for it, heart hammering like it had been recently as she checked who had messaged her. It was only Emmeline. 

When r yu home? Xx

The message was immediately cleared from her notification centre. 

“We have decided that the best cause of action would be to relieve you from your post,” Narcissa said, cutting to the chase like she had always done. “Whether this means that the article will continue on, we aren’t sure. But we think that until Lily returns, and she tells us her thoughts, then it would be for the best if you went home.” Mary nodded, looking down at her hands fiddling with themselves in her lap. 

She felt Marlene’s eyes on her. 

“Hog-Warts will pay you for your time, as planned, the money should already have been deposited-”

“No, I, uhm-,” Mary interjected. Narcissa halted mid sentence, looking put upon. Mary shook her head. “Please, I don’t need it.”

“We insist.”

“The experience was enough for me,” Mary said. “Besides, I haven’t really done much work. Just being able to join you on your tour is enough for me, the free shows, the accompaniment- it’s all been a lot. I wouldn’t feel… it wouldn’t feel right for taking your money.”

Her words felt unequal to how she felt, but then again she had never been good at wording her feelings. Too quiet, people told her, not mouthy enough. One of the things that dissuade people from believing she was a journalist. But, then again, she was beginning to lose the feeling that she was too. 

“Mary, I appreciate the sentiment, but this was still your job,” Narcissa told her. Her no nonsense tone snapped Mary from her stupor. “You might have enjoyed this in the end, but that’s only a plus. You were here for a reason, and you should be compensated for your time.” The message was clear: this wasn’t a joyride. Marlene’s gaze seemed to burn now. 

“Understood.” Narcissa gave a singular nod and then stood from her seat adjusting the breast section of her jumpsuit. Her smile was distant. 

“It was a pleasure working with you,” she reassured, slight warmth bleeding into her tone. “We will give you a call soon.”

She excused herself, collecting her folder and leaving the room. Marlene stood as well, watching her manager leave quickly before levelling Mary with a look. 

“She might seem irritated but I promise she’s not irritated at you,” the bassist promised. Mary swallowed, nodding. “Christ, Mary, can you not say anything?”

The journalist looked up at her, from her seat she could see the physical devoid between them. Marlene hadn’t been the kindest out of the Gryffins, none of them were really. To her, they all had different types of distance. Alice hid it with manners, Dorcas with a cool but lavender demeanour which fooled you into solace, Marlene showed genuine distaste. Lily had been different, but then Mary supposed that she had always been different. She showed hatred, true hatred, and even when Mary fought past them barriers there had been a singular brick wall which had barbed wire. One she could never climb over, no matter how much Mary counselled her, attempting to make Lily see how much she was worth. 

Now that she sat here, after surviving Narcissa’s dismissal, she wondered if the money was more for what Narcissa considered an inconvenience rather than the work. 

“There's nothing much to say,” Mary said. It was worthless. There was a pause. “Do you think she’ll turn up?”

Marlene shrugged, turning to the wide windows that looked over the cityscape. “She hasn’t disappeared, she’ll turn up at some point.”

“Do you have any idea? Any clue where she might have gone?” Mary asked, standing and straightening her work clothes. Being in Hog-Warts had made her dig out some more corporate appropriate clothes, pinstripe trousers and a plain white t-shirt that hugged a little too uncomfortably. Marlene was ever the figure however, her lacy cami top displaying the lion tattoo that covered her chest in black and red, the pen covered blue-washed jeans contrasting the murky brown satin. Her arms showed off her scars and her hair was pulled into a loose bun. She was the very opposite of corporate, but Mary knew she could do whatever the fuck she wanted to. 

“I have a few ideas,” she said, fishing a small object out of her pocket and raising it to her lips. The no smoking sign was bright in the peripheral of Mary’s eye. “None that have been confirmed though. You might not believe me, but she hasn’t contacted me, you know.” Contrary to the other’s belief, she wasn’t surprised. Marlene wasn’t very subtle about when she had an upper hand on someone, Mary had gathered this from experience. “You’ll find her soon enough.”

“Me?” Mary’s face twisted into a scowl. “What makes you think that she’ll say anything to me? Or that I’ll find her?” She pushed her chair into the table, picking up her tote and swinging it on her shoulder. “I think it’s obvious that Lily hasn’t got much interest in contacting me, surely.”

Marlene laughed, lowly. “You have no clue, do you?” 

“Sorry?”

“Lily cares for you a lot, the first person outside of our circle for a very long time.” Mary watched her, saying nothing. “A friend. She hasn’t had another proper friend for a while.” Mary knew this of course, but she didn’t want to interrupt Marlene. She didn’t know what she knew. Mary thought that she had known nothing, she thought that she had been pretty much oblivious to the whole ordeal. Maybe Dorcas had said something. 

“I have a feeling that she’ll come back to you when she’s ready,” the bassist stated, vapour floating from her mouth as she spoke.

“Why wouldn't she come to you?”

“She’s too afraid of the mouthful that I might, and will, give her,” Marlene said, tutting. “Leaving us in the lurch in the middle of a national tour? I won’t be the only one giving her a mouthful.”

Right, of course. Sometimes the absence of Lily made Mary realise just how much of a problem it was - of course, her complete disappearance was awful generally, but for the Gryffins and their music, it was terrible. “Right.”

Marlene walked back to the table. “After everything Mary, I would hope that you know you are welcome amongst us.” The words made Mary’s eyes widen and she looked at Marlene with something akin to shock. “Don’t give me that look.”

“I just- I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I’m nothing but honest, McDonald,” Marlene grinned, folding her arms. “But someone needed to tell you, and I thought that out of everyone, I was the only one going to do it.” She began to saunter over to the door to leave. “Just go home, get some rest, yeah?” She swung it open, letting it hit the plaster and then fall backwards before catching it. “Don’t be a stranger, alright? Dorcas is quite fond of you.”

She left and Mary watched her leave, holding onto the straps of her bag tightly and releasing a breath she didn’t realise she had been harbouring. 

 

***

 

Riding home on the underground made her realise just how lucky she had been for the past two months, riding round in taxis and the private bus. The smell of polluted air was a welcome compared to the twenty minutes of body odour she had just experienced on the tube. 

Emmeline and her’s flat wasn’t too far from the station, and she reminisced on that being one of the reasons as to why they had picked it in the beginning. Surrounded by four coffee shops, good signal, not too loud of a neighbourhood. It was not a penthouse by any means, or any of the five star hotels that she had stayed in over the course of  her time away, but when she let herself in and dumped her keys on the table beside her front door, she took in the smell and the feel of her flat and felt comforted and immediately decided that maybe she would nap for an hour and a half before answering to real life’s calls, and not the fantasy she had been living in. 

Walking into the open plan kitchen she took in the colossal mess before her and rolled her eyes. Bread had been left open, eggshell pieces were still on the counter, a pan with pasta remained on the stove. She had not missed Emmaline’s bad habits, the type which made her feel like a housewife rather than a flatmate. She looked around, wondering if she was home, but when her door was wide open, and the bathroom door, where the condensation was still on the mirror and the window had been left wide open, she knew she wasn’t. 

She dumped her suitcase on her unmade bed, someone had clearly slept in it prior and it hadn’t been her, and took in her room. Everything was still in place, although her wardrobe was slightly ajar insinuating that Emmaline had raided it at some point. She rubbed her hand down her face, feeling her stress clogging her pores before deciding that a nice hot bath would be good for her, refresh her mind and her body before she went on to contact whoever it was to continue to her next mission. 

Running the bath was routine; she lit a candle and set her speaker to play her favourite podcast. She collected her hair up into a claw clip, hoping it wouldn’t spill out, and eased herself into the full tub of steaming hot water. 

She had only been in it for a few minutes before her phone rang. She hadn’t brought it into the bathroom with her, her butter fingers would have dropped it into the water as soon as she had picked it up. It rang through the solid walls a few times before diminishing into silence and she relaxed further into the water. But then it rang again and she tutted, flicking her toes in the water before rising out of it and wrapping herself in a new towel. Her skin was steaming from the change of temperature and when she picked up her phone she stared at it before registering the caller ID. 

She immediately hit answer and brought it to her ear. There was breathing down the line and then a small: “hello?”

“Lily.”

 

***

 

The bar which Lily had asked her to journey to was quite far from her flat but she made it there in about 30 minutes with speed walking and a little bit of roughhousing to squeeze onto the tube. Mayfair was the same, to her, as every other part of London. Tall and brooding in buildings, a pick-n-mix of new and archaic, following the concrete pavements until she reached her destination. 

Her heart was hammering with nervous energy as she descended the steps of the bar. Quiet music was filtering out of it, but it was clearly not packed. The tables and chairs insinuated it’s popularity, as well as the high wall of liquor bottles decorating the behind of the bar. 

Not many people were in the bar, but Mary wasn’t there for the others, she was only there for one. 

The leather jacket was the same, and the hoodie pulled up to cover her head sagged a little at the bottom. Her foot bounced on the barstool rapidly and she was nervously jittering with her glass of water resting on the bar, ringed fingers tracing the dripping condensation up and down before rubbing it off on the rest of her fingers. Mary approached her slowly, like trying to not frighten a skittish animal and settled onto the only stool next to her and gently resting a hand on her shoulder. 

Lily turned to look at her in an instant, short straight hair swishing slightly as she took Mary in. Her eyes were clear, as was the rest of her face, void of the persona she put on around others and vulnerability showing on every feature of her face. Her lips quirked into the tiniest of smiles, the corners prettily turning upwards. 

Mary felt the overwhelming fondness swelling in her chest and she held herself back from sweeping her into a bone crushing hug. 

“Mary, thank you for coming,” she said, turning her body so that she was properly facing her. There was a jolt in Mary’s chest as her heart begun once more and she remembered to speak. 

“I missed you,” she said instinctually, and then bit her tongue. That had slipped out, but instead of disgust on Lily’s face she looked sheepish. The guitarist took the journalist’s hand in hers, sweeping a thumb lightly over her knuckles and then looking back at her. 

“I missed you too.” There was a very long pause as they just took each other in. Mary wondered whether Lily looked at her and thought the same things that she did, from time to time. The situation between them had transformed from something indistinguishable to something that had Mary’s head swimming. Before she had told herself that it was stupid to think that what was between them was anything more than a helping hand, someone to sleep with and release bundled energy after a successful show. But the hand on Mary’s now sparked hope within her. 

“Where have you been?” Mary asked. “Everyone has been so worried about you- me included.” Lily released her hand and brought her hood down, tucking loose strands of short hair behind her ear. “When did this happen?”

“Oh,” she fiddled with the piece she was holding. “Do you not like it?”

“That’s not what I said,” Mary corrected. Lily’s small smile returned. “I- I just want to understand. Are you okay?”

Lily nodded, wetting her bottom lip. “I feel more okay than I have in a long time,” she said, taking in a deep breath. “I’ve already texted the others, I apologised- but I had to go see the people I care about. They had been holed up just as much as we had, but they needed support and we just weren’t there for them.” 

“James,” Mary breathed. 

“Yes, and Sirius, and Remus- Regulus,” she said. She then shook her head. “I had had enough, I had to go and see them, to make sure that they were okay- but more, I had to see Harry, to see how he was, where he was. After speaking to you in the garden it was like I had an epiphany. I had to go and see him. When I did, it felt like I was seeing him for the first time.” 

She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back so that the shorter bits framed her face. Her freckles weren’t easily noticeable in the setting but it never mattered to Mary, she could have counted them anywhere. 

“More importantly though, Mary,” Lily began again with vigour. “I wanted to speak to you. I came to terms that I would rather it be you, and now, that my life was exposed rather than in a year or two’s time when everything comes back to me, when I don’t want it too.” She swallowed, reaching a placing a hand on Mary’s knee. “I can’t get better, for myself and others, if I don’t tell someone. And I want to tell you.” 

Mary looked at the hand resting on her knee and smiled. “I would like you to.”

Chapter 9: for you, there will be no more crying

Summary:

lily shares a bit of light on the subject

Notes:

fleetwood mac, Rumours:
songbird (pt 1)

Lily had been an orphan for as long as she remembered. They died when she was eight and after that everything became a little too unmanageable and everything became a little confusing. She was young and forced to now survive on her own. Her sister had disappeared and she didn’t understand. Lily thought Petunia had loved her, she thought that she had wanted her. Clearly, she was wrong. 

Something had broken that day. She had been small, barely over her sister’s hip, and had watched her back as she had walked away, leaving her with nothing but that singular memory. Lily remembered wearing black to the crematorium and her hand had been wrapped around a social worker’s finger. He had gotten her an ice cream after and Lily never saw a member of her family again after that day. 

 

***

 

Lily picked up a guitar a long time after her parent’s death- it was cool, the metal was an opalescent red and the strings were brand new. But it was sitting in the corner of the shop, abandoned by the rest of the customers long enough for it to collect dust. It wasn’t a popular make, she knew that, but it was still a guitar and when she held it she felt compelled. The weight in her hands was comfortable and when she rested it on her knee and strung, something dislodged inside of her. 

She was in boarding school and didn’t have many friends, didn’t have any hobbies. The scholarship she had a blood bind with didn’t leave any room for fun in her eyes. She had to study, she had to get the best grades because what if she didn’t? Being 15 with no family, the school was supportive enough to keep her around but she knew that if she wasn’t able to keep up then she would have been thrown out. She didn’t want to leave. She had grown accustomed to her new life, she had refreshed the home page and found the playlist that she could solve all of her worries to. 

The friends she did have were nice to her, they included her on nights in the common room, games of monopoly and studied with her. But they also were self centered- Lily wasn’t even sure if they knew she was an orphan and she supposed it was better that way, because if they knew then would they leave her too?poo

“Can you play?”

She sucked in a breath, startled. A boy her age was standing in front of her, the school’s crest emblazoned on his chest and a green scarf wrapped tightly around his neck, the colours of the house of Slytherin. She frowned. 

“Uhm, not really but,” she shrugged, plucking at one of the strings again. 

“If you can’t play then you shouldn’t be touching it,” he sneered, looking away. The boy had mid length hair, and it curled a little bedraggled at the ends. He was tall but hunched, looking as if he was about to topple over at any moment. She sniffed, looking at the electric instrument in her hands and then back at him. 

“Can you play?” She asked, cocking her head. He turned back to her, glaring but then nodded. “What can you play?”

“Nothing you would know,” he said, his mouth contorted in a mean grin. At that point, Lily would have put the instrument back and left. The boy was probably surprised to see her still sitting there, the words he lashed out weren’t kind. He was glaring at the guitar, and his hands were clenched into fists by his sides. 

“I don’t need to know it for you to teach me,” she said, trying to sound calm but she could feel the judgement pour from her words. He regarded her in silence for a moment before turning around and leaving. She sat there and looked down at the guitar, wondering what she had done, before he reappeared with a stool being dragged behind her. 

And that was how she met Severus. Lily had expected for it to be a one time occurrence but slowly and surely they became friends. It was strained, and he did scare off the other people she thought were her friends too, but she didn’t think much of it. Instead she focused on the chord he taught her, and the way that he would study with her and push her when she felt like she was falling off. By the time they were in their second to last year, they were inseparable. Latching onto each other. 

 

***

 

Lily found that she didn’t have many friends in school other than Severus, and it soured her. She had turned into spoilt milk around his company and it wasn’t as if others hadn’t noticed it. And because of that, people remained away from her. Typically, she had turned into an honour student, living up to the scholarship granted to her by the board and she made sure that she was deserving of that title. And it was obvious that people hated her because of that as well. 

Maybe that's when she began to be desensitised to rumours. They had been everywhere, everywhere she turned and thats all she would hear. No one to each breakfast, lunch or dinner with because how could they talk if she was who they were talking about? Who was she to have stopped them from their chattering? No one. They didn’t seem to think that though. 

But, she supposed, there was one person who didn’t seem to join them. And she wasn’t talking about Severus. 

James Potter. Now. That’s where Severus would disagree. Because her best friend hated ‘Potter’. 
It might have also had something to do with his friend, Sirius. But Lily wasn’t too sure. 
She hadn’t run into either of them much, despite them being in most of her lessons. She seemed to enter some sort of trance when she studied, in class, out of class, around the school. It was the time of disassociation that came with being judged by every one. Sirius, from what she gathered from the other girls she shared a room with, was hot but in a way that they wanted to stay away from. A bad family, she got from them. He was rude, apparently, and she didn’t much care for people who had bad manners. Sirius Black and Severus having some sort of disconnection, Lily could understand. James Potter however, she could not. 

James Potter was a kid in her class- in all of her classes, really. He was smart, and rich. He was fun and always seemed to wear a smile. He was kind. From what she could see anyway. She had never actually spoken to him. Severus hated him, and if Severus was her only friend then who was she to disagree with him? No one. That's what.

It seemed like childish bickering between the two of them. Just a stupid rivalry, apparently. But the vitriol that Severus managed to spit out of his mouth when he spoke about them was enough for Lily to keep her distance from both Potter and Black. 

Well, her distance. 

Until they were in Year 8. It was ridiculous, she knows, to have remembered the exact day and how exactly it went. But the short part of the story was that it was one of the most pivotal moments of Lily’s life. 

But here’s the long story. 

The class had been dark and James had been late. His shoe laces had been undone, and they weren’t the standard black shit flickers that every male student were required to wear. Instead they were bright red. Lily remembered herself thinking: ‘how patriotic, wearing house colours like that.’ But other than that, she kept it to herself. 

The boy had stumbled in, muttered out an apology and then sat himself in the nearest empty seat he could have. And that was right next to her. Back then, Lily remembered not wanting to sit there. She had hated the eyes on her back. Her red hair was almost like a neon sign saying “come and stare at me”. She hated the way that everyone always commented on it, thinking that it wasn’t natural or something along the lines of that. She hated it, because how could she have helped the fact that she was ginger? It was a natural thing? 

She stiffened up beside James, keeping her eyes turned to the front of the class as much as she could. She was not allowing herself to glance to the right of her. She would not allow herself to talk to James. All she thought about in that moment was that Severus, had he been in this class, would have had a fit. He might have already stormed up to Potter and demanded to switch seat with him, maybe. 

It stalled her for a very long time, all that thinking. Just sitting there and thinking to herself about how much trouble she would have been in for even sitting next to James was enough to keep her distracted, until-

A hand lifted up the ends of her hair, touching it gently and she felt herself stiffen up even more. James beside her was staring at her hair in his hands, touching it so sweetly as he lifted up his glasses and looked even more, holding it close up to his eyes. 

Lily ultimately squeaked, tossing her hair over her shoulder and taking it from his grasp. “What are you doing?” She whispered, her tone alarmed. James looked back at her before smiling nervously. 

“Sorry, I just- I’ve never seen hair like yours. I didn’t know if it was real or not,” he said, sheepishly. Lily gawked at him. 

“That doesn’t mean you go and touch other people’s hair, Jesus- what is wrong with you?” He held his hands up in surrender. 

“No, you're completely right,” he admitted. “That was wrong, and I shouldn’t have touched. I should have kept my hands to myself. Seriously, I should have. Kept them all the way back, sat on them. I apologise.”
His rambling caught him a ‘hush’ from their teacher and both of the children turned back to the front of the class. Lily’s heart was still beating insanely in her chest, making it harder for her to breathe. After a few moments of compartmentalising her thoughts, he interrupted them once more. 

“So, is it natural?” He asked, curiously and pushing his glasses back up his nose. Lily exhaled loudly through her nose. 

“Yes,” she shot back. “It is? What of it?” 

There was a moment before he leant in a little more and- Lily stifled a laugh because she thought it might have been mean- it seemed like the idiot had actually put his hands under his ass. “It’s just pretty is all. People talk about it all the time, you know? Like, they don’t think it’s real. I always thought it was, but I have to say I did start to believe them. But they’re all idiots, so what do they actually know, I suppose.” 

She breathed deeply before calming herself down. “Look, just… Don’t go around touching girls without their permission. Okay, James?” 

And that shut both him and her up. The light turned on a few moments later and Lily risked a glance and saw that under his glasses, a slight blush was turning up on his tanned cheeks. It didn’t seem that he had planned on the lights turning on any time sooner. 

Lily looked back to the front of the class, completely confused on what the teacher had been talking about before, or what they had possibly just watched. There was a buzz through the rest of the students though and Lily knew it was something else entirely, surely it had nothing to do with them. But there was always that little niggling sensation that perhaps she had made the front page of the gossip rag. 

James kept very quiet for the rest of the lesson, but Lily remembered every movement and every type of noise he made. She remembered his breathing pattern and every second she had been so hyper aware of his movement that she felt crazy. 

When the class was let go, he had rushed out of that classroom as quickly as every other fucker and left her to wonder what the fuck had just happened. Lily remembered Sirius sending her a confused grin as he passed, running after James and shouting out their stupid nicknames that they had given themselves. 

Lily decided that she didn’t mind much. And to keep it to herself. Severus had been waiting for her outside of the classroom anyway. She didn’t tell him anything. 

She didn’t have to, because after that it seemed like Lily couldn’t avoid Potter, despite how much she tried. 

 

***

 

Lily and James had been partnered together for an English project, and everything seemed to become an illusion. In the couple of years that they had been acquaintances, James had become less of just an opinion from someone and more of a living, breathing human. He hadn’t touched her since- not her hair, not her hand, no bumps in the corridor or accidental trippings. Not that he ever did to her in the first place, but he definitely did it with Severus. 

And although she had gotten to know him far enough to regard him in her own way, she did see how Severus saw them. They weren’t bullies, but there was definitely some kind of hatred between the two of them. And it was difficult to ignore. The years of them growing had only made it somewhat more prominent, with them both in their adolescent years. Both of them are trying to prove themselves better than the other. That’s how Lily saw Severus take it anyhow. James could never quite put her finger on. 

Their project had unearthed many different problems. And now instead of their rivalry being just between the two of them, it had now become a situation that Lily was also involved in. As if she was some halfway house that they could both relay their issues to. Not that Potter ever did, but she saw the glares he sent Severus when he appeared. 

Truthfully, Lily hadn’t expected anything of James in regards to their project, she was very happy to split the project halfway down the middle for work and that when they finally completed it then they would round back together and suture their work seamlessly. 

But it didn’t happen like that. James was loud, obnoxious a tad, and made sure that she didn’t work on it on her own. Moments in the library were no longer full of Severus and now full of James- green had slowly changed into red and Lily realised that actually she didn’t mind. 

“You’re always with him now,” Severus snapped. They were standing outside of the hall, since they couldn’t sit together for lunch. The house rules were strict and Lily found herself eating alone most of the time but she didn’t mind. 

“I can’t help it, Sev, we have two weeks to do the rest of-” she sighed, tugging at the bottom of her skirt nervously when she saw him roll his eyes. “Maybe we could do something after classes- we could go up to the tower, I could smuggle some food now for later-”

“Nah, don’t bother.” he murmured. Lily fell silent. It was happening frequently now, the awkward lapses of silence. Where they had come at an impasse and there was nothing she could do for it to go away. Then the boy scowled. “Seems like your boyfriend is coming over.”

She frowned and turned. James Potter was definitely on his way over and she gulped. This was not what she wanted right now- and she couldn’t blame Severus. His mood was only about to get worse. 

“Whats going on, Evans?” The boy asked, tie hanging loosely from his neck and his accomplice standing right behind him, Sirius’ eyes glaring at Snape with his whole soul. Lily felt the crackle of lightning. But James’ smile was breezy. 

“Oh, uh,” she fought for her words. “Nothing. How are you?”

“I’m good,” he said. “Was wondering if you’re free later?” He began to fumble through his blazer and brought out his Nokia, top of the market and she looked at it wistfully. “We could finish off the powerpoint- I took some pictures of the topic earlier and-”

“I’ll see you around, Lily,” Severus huffed and he turned on his feet and into the hall. Lily watched him go helplessly, not listening to James at all as he continued to ramble on. The storm passed but something told her that it was not over, instead she was caught in the eye of the hurricane. Sirius scoffed. 

“He’s such a wanker,” he muttered, James’ venting tapered off. “Doesn’t he bother you?”

Lil shot him a glare. “What are you insinuating?”

“Does he treat you like crap too, or are you his special little pass?” He growled. Lily felt her hand twitch, finding it ever so tempting to slap him. 

Since coming back to school, Lily had found Sirius to almost be intolerable. It was confusing- he used to be fun, kind even if a little ignorant. But since returning for their last year, he had suddenly turned short tempered and hostile. Like he was waiting for someone to jump him at any opportunity. 

“He treats me like he does with anyone else,” she argued. “And he doesn’t pick fights, unlike you.”

“I pick fights, do I?” He demanded, disbelieving. “Did you not hear about the other day?” Lily scowled. 

“What about the other day? Did he insult you again? I would have thought that your masculinity isn’t that fragile, Sirius,” she stated, raising her brows. “Look, I know you two like to take the piss but sometimes it’s not funny when it’s every single day-”

“Lily, that’s not what we’re on about” James’ face was stoic. It was the first time she had ever heard him say her name in a serious tone and it made her stop in her tracks. “Him and some other dickheads were bothering Amelia Bones. We stepped in before it went a little too far, she’s the year below us- you know of her?”

She swallowed thickly. “More or less.”

“They had practically cornered her,” Sirius spat. “I feel sick even just thinking about it, maybe I should revisit our conversation from earlier with him and see how he likes being ganged up on instead-” Sirius lunged forward but James caught him by the shoulder.

Sirius tried to wrestle it away from him for a moment before visibly deflating. Lily looked behind her shoulder and noticed that Severus hadn’t gone very far at all after leaving her to them. He was standing with some other boys from his house and she tried to remember their names. Mulciber was it? Mulciber.. And Malfoy? They were a couple of years above them. And she had never spoken to them. Never wanted to speak to them. They were vile to look at, nevermind what they were like to speak to. 

“It doesn’t matter what he said,” James reasoned. “Look, Lily, we know when it’s okay to-”

“Rip him to shreds?” She demanded, raising an eyebrow. She wasn’t impressed with his excuses. James shook his head, taking his glasses from face to attempt cleaning them with his sweater’s cuff. 

“Right, okay, maybe I should rephrase.” Sirius huffed and gave him a look that deliberately translated into ‘you think?’

“What I’m trying to say is that if we hadn't stepped in- Look, I don’t know Amelia well enough, but I can read people pretty easily and the poor girl was scared.” He paused. “Do you know what I mean?”

She stopped. “Elaborate a little more. Please.” Lily felt her heart speed up a little more in her chest. 

James looked at her with a sad, thoughtful expression and when Sirius thought that he wasn’t going to continue, he jumped in to finish it instead. 

“Lily, it doesn’t matter,” Sirius hissed. “But if you know what’s good for you, you really should keep away from him. He’s no good.”

“A friend once told me that you shouldn’t touch a girl without their permission, right?” James echoed to himself, looking back up from his shoes. His eyes were so clear from anger and irritation, they were plain and genuine. A little doe like. Lily swallowed thickly. 

She bit her lip and looked towards where Severus was, with his friends. She wanted to pull him up on it, but there was something that was stopping her. Maybe it was Lily herself that didn’t want the conflict, maybe she wanted to sit in content for a while longer. Severus wasn’t the bestest friend she could have but it didn’t change the fact that he was her best friend. The only friend she had really. 

Sirius seemed to be clicking his fingers in front of her to garner her attention. “Oi, are you listening?” James slapped his hand away and gave him an irritated glare. 

“Stop that.”

“She’s not listening!” Sirius fought, but James rounded him away from Lily. The girl stood there with an unimpressed look on her face. 

Now, if she found James annoying, then she was certain of her opinion on Sirius Black. Rich, pompous prick turned generous samaritan. She was not convinced of him yet. Her opinions were wildly varied, the two golden boys of her house. Most people knew where he came from, a rich family that gave extensive funds towards the maintenance of the boarding school that they went to. She knew that he rebelled because he was an asshole, but if she was to give him a bit of sympathy then she also knew that he was an asshole because of his family. 

But for all his flaws- his arrogance, his pettiness, his short temper- she did have to admit. He was a loyal friend. Especially to James, both of them the definition of “brothers from another mother”. 

“I’m listening,” she sighed, rubbing a hand over her face. She tried to smooth the frown from her eyebrows, feeling as if a migraine was coming on. “I’ll ask him about it. Tell him to stop… whatever it is that he’s doing with those two. That’s all I can do.”

“You better. Otherwise next time I’m taking this to Garlick, alright?” Sirius threatened. Lily shot him a glare. 

“And why didn’t you just report it straight away instead of bringing it to me?” She demanded, defensively. 

Sirius shut his trap, clearly too seething to trust anything that came out of his mouth. James shot worried looks between the both of them, as if it was somehow difficult for him to pick a side. “I stopped him. I thought that maybe we could say something, or you could. To make him chill out a bit. Take a step back”

Lily didn’t want to be overthinking about this but it was almost as if she could look deeper between the lines. Through those lines she could almost see what James was saying as clear as day, and she found herself feeling awkward and embarrassed at the same time. ‘I didn’t want to take away your friend. I trust you to make the right decision.’ 

And they were wrong. Because Lily never seemed to make the right decision. 

They stood in silence for a moment, students continuing around them in the hallway. Lily found herself picking at the skin on her thumb before she mustered the courage to actually answer James’ invitation before- but it seemed that he happened to have something to say at the same time. 

“Look-”

“James-” He flushed brightly and gestured for her to go first. Lily had to admit that her lips curled a little bit at his chivalry. “I’ll meet you in the library tonight, okay? 7:00, after dinner. If you’re not there then I’m leaving.” 

It was as if Lily had just given him a scooby snack with how wide his face split, an impressive grin highlighting his features impressively. “Yes, ma’am.” She nodded at both of them before taking her exit. 

There were things that she didn’t want to recognise back then. She wasn’t keen on keeping her opinions neutral in this situation. It made her sick to her stomach, the thought of what Severus was a part of, what his friends might have done but- Severus was her best friend.  

She didn’t want to think that of him. She didn’t want to think about it at all. 

***

Lily was 15 and on her fifth Christmas at the school when she spent it with James for the first time. 

She was used to it by now. Being alone on Christmas. Lily told herself that she enjoyed it… but she wasn’t sure how much of that was actually a lie. Probably all of it. She supposed around this time of the year she should have been in some sort of mourning stage. But grief, for her, was a fickle thing and she found that she had gotten over it as quickly as it came. It was as if she had never known her parents, and soon enough her sister had disappeared from her memories just like her parents had. 

Petunia had become almost a figment of Lily’s imagination and slowly that imagination had made her hate her. It wasn’t even personal anymore, it was just a general hatred. Because Lily had been left by her big sister, and how could anyone ever forgive that? No one could. She had been thrown away like yesterday’s garbage and then Petunia had washed her hands clean of Lily and Lily had never spoken about it every again. She had washed her hands too. 
But it was at Christmas, for just a little bit before she moved on, when Lily would reflect a bit more. Maybe in a different world she was still at home with her parents. And perhaps her sister hadn’t decided to give up on her just yet and they were… at least friends. At least they had still been together. Something told her that maybe that was complete bullshit. 

The alcove she had tucked herself into was cold and she felt her feet get colder and colder by the second despite her slippers. Now that she was officially the last one left in the Gryffindor dormitories, she felt her walls fall down. It was only her in this whole building, exempting the teachers who had nothing else to do over the holidays, who had no family to go to. She never made herself known to any of them, even though they all definitely knew that she was there. Hiding away in the common room, in her four poster twin bed that did nothing to keep the cold out. Inside of the library where she would sometimes sit and read for a couple of hours before her mind decided she was illiterate and she didn’t want anything more to do with books. 

The first night was always the worst one. 

It was difficult. 

She never registered that she was crying and it happened every year. On the same day, in the same spot, in the same way. Quiet and mopey, she paid no mind to anything around her and kept her eyes trained out into the streets between the campus buildings. Despite being the furthest up North that she had ever been, and being here continuously through the winter months, Lily had never seen snow up here. There had been chat of it, maybe she had missed it when it came. But there was always drizzling rain. Sheeting the roads with puddles and a gross shimmer. 

She sniffled a bit and raised a hand to wipe the rogue tear that had left it’s vigil. Lily hated crying. Most of the time, it made her feel sick. Almost weak. There was no space for weakness for her, not here, whether she was alone or not. Lily didn’t have the time for it. 

Which is why she jumped when she heard someone come into the room. 

It was late at night. Lights out for the singular student left behind for the happiest time of the year had happened a long time ago and she stared at the door as the person walked in as if they were a ghost. It was terrifying, and completely fucking over her routine. 

But James Potter never seemed to care for routines. 

He faltered as he entered and stared back at her before frowning. He looked behind him and kicked the door shut with his foot before even beginning to speak. “Uhm. Hi, Evans- what- what are you doing here?” He asked. If Lily didn’t know any better than she would have said that he sounded… nervous. She sniffed harshly and rubbed her eye again, hiding it as if she was scratching her forehead. She thought she was smooth but when she looked back up, James was beside her instead and gently took her wrist as if it was the most tender thing in the whole world. And… it was. His whole touch was tender. And it lit sparks underneath her skin. It made her heart chase itself into her throat and lodge itself like some sort of pill that wouldn’t go down. She swallowed thickly still. She never listened to herself. 

“Are you crying?” James Potter, ladies and gentlemen, and his way with words. 

“No,” she told him, voice hoarse, pulling her hand away from his. “I’m fine. What are you doing here?”
He looked behind him again before deciding to sit himself opposite her. His thigh brushed her foot, and despite the thick padding of her slipper, she felt a current race all the way up to face. Her cheeks were beginning with the tingling sensation of a blush. She hated how she was so hyper away of it. 

“Sirius,” he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I, uh, decided that I would stay with him here for Christmas. Rather than going home, since he’s not and- yeah. Yeah. He can’t leave without his parent’s permission or someone to collect him so…” His voice taped off and Lily could already tell that he had said much more than he should have. 

And then she cursed in her head. She wasn’t going to be alone this Christmas, obviously. She as going to be stuck in the same building as the chuckle brothers, metaphorically. She could see it now already. Being awake at night while they made a racket in the common room, not being able to leave her room in case she ran into them by accident. She hated the idea of it. 

“Why are you here?” He asked tentatively. Tact, clearly, had never been his forte. 

“I’m always here,” she sighed, truthfully. He frowned even more. “I don’t go home during Christmas.” He looked surprised. 

“Huh?” He just didn’t seem to understand it. Lily rolled her eyes. 

“I don’t feel like I have to justify myself to you,” she told him, quietly. But some part of her wanted to tell him. Some part of her told her that she could tell him. She was surprised how he didn’t know. Lily didn’t exactly make it a chore to spread her own business but here she was now. Slightly wishing James would hold onto her wrist again. 

Maybe she was hormonal and- screw this line but- due for her time of the month. Being a teenager sucked. 

But James didn’t take her words in his stride and instead he made himself a little more comfortable on the alcove. “Try me.”

At that moment, she took in what he was wearing. A tracksuit of some sort, plain grey joggers which looked expensive but worn out as if he had worn them and washed them for years. And a faded red hoodie that had their house name emblazoned on the corner of the shoulder. He looked like the perfect student, patriotic and comfortable to be here for Christmas. Something that Lily had never felt. Not in the whole time that she had been here. 

“Potter,” she groaned, dropping her head down onto her knees. He chuckled. 

“What?” He asked, truly seeming to not get a hint. And then it must have clicked. “Wait, if it’s personal, please by all means tell me to fuck off. I’ll be happy to- actually, I think I might be embarrassing myself here. Please, Lily Evans, tell me to fuck off. I’ll appreciate it. I’ll take it- say the word and I’ll never bother you again.” 

She looked at him over the top of her knees and sighed, shuffling a little so he had more room to sit. She had noticed that he had kind of been left to just lean a little on the edge of the pillows and she felt embarrassed a little. He noticed that she had given him more space and took it graciously. He was still shooting small looks towards the door. 
“If I tell you why, will you tell me why you keep looking towards the door as if Santa himself is about to come in?” She asked, curious. 

“I can tell you that for free,” James said, chuckling. “Sirius is currently talking to Slughorn. Something about… some shit. I just don’t want him to walk in at the wrong time. He’ll take the piss out of me if he sees me here with you. And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know you two don’t really see eye to eye.”

“Way to make a girl feel special,” Lily grunted. James shook his head frantically. 

“No!” He shouted. And then cringed. “No, I just- I want to talk to you. I haven’t spoken to you in so long, I don’t want us to be interrupted.” 

Lily frowned. “Very special. Why do you want to talk to me so much?” She asked. James bit his lip and looked to the door once more. 

He scratched his cheek. “I just do.” 

“No reason?”

“No special reason,” he said candidly. “Except for that I want to make sure that you’re okay. No one should be crying during Christmas.”

“It’s not Christmas just yet,” she said, shaking her head. He knocked her ankle with his bent knee, considering he couldn’t fully fold onto the alcove with her, his legs being too long. 

“Hey, tis the season,” he said. And that made her smile. She wasn’t sure why exactly. It just did, it made her smile and because she smiled, he smiled and suddenly the mood became very different. And she discovered that being around James made her achingly happy. It was the happiest she had been in a while actually. She sucked in a breath.

“I’ll tell you why I’m here,” she said and he nodded. 

“Shoot. If you want to- again, if you don’t want to tell you then tell me to piss off, I won’t get offended- I swear-” 

“James.”

“Sorry.” 

She sucked in another deep breath and let it out, turning her gaze back to the outside. The rain had picked up now and she found herself trying to figure out how to tell him. This was the first time she had actually told someone, this was common knowledge to her social workers and the teachers and the foster parents she had been saddled with up until she was 10. She had never had to physically say “oh yeah, my parents died 7 years ago and I’m still crying about it”. She selfishly wished for a world where she didn’t have to tell anyone. Where she would just be seen and people would know that she had no one other than herself. It was stupid. 

It wasn’t stupid. Because when she looked back at James, he was being so attentive and even his gaze was telling her to go at her own pace. And he was also telling her that nothing was stupid. Nothing she said was stupid. She sighed.

“My parents died when I was little,” she said. “It’s been seven years, actually. If I put thought to it. And, uh, I just didn’t come very lucky when it came to meeting families. Every year I’m here, and the scholarship grants me free private education and, uh…” She faltered, wetting her bottom lip. “Every summer I just go into a children's home. It’s only for six weeks, so better than switching between different families.” She paused. “No one wants a teenager anyway.” 

She laughed a little, solemnly. “Mr and Mrs Evans decided to take their leave at the wrong time. They could have gone a little earlier at least, let me find their replacements before I began my period.” She snorted ruefully. It was a horrible thing to say. But she was soured milk.

When she looked back at James, he had the worst expression on his face. The worst result she could have imagined. Pity. 

She was quick to defend. “Look, I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, if that’s what you’re thinking.” He said nothing, looking away guiltily and she shook her head. “Don’t worry about it,” she said, beginning to shift, swinging her legs off the end so that they touched the floor. “Forget everything and I’ll see you around-” 

“Wait-” James grabbed onto her hand this time and held it firmly in his. Lily tried to pull it out but it didn’t budge this time. She was breathing heavily. “No, I’m sorry. I- I mean, forgive a man for trying to process this.” 

“You don’t need to process it,” she bit. “You asked, you should have been prepared for baggage.”

“I am- I was! I was! I just, wait- sit back down, please?” Lily regarded him for a moment before reluctantly sitting back down on the pillowed windowsill. She rested her back on the window and stared over the empty common room. James did not let go of her hand. 

“I didn’t know,” he said calmly. 

“No, no one knew.” She frowned, looking at him. “I still don’t want anyone to know, Potter.”

“And no one will,” he told her, raising his free hand and miming a cross over his heart. “I solemnly swear.”

She scoffed. “That’s a little arrogant.”

“It’s the truth. I swear it, Lils, no one will know.”

“Lils?” No one had called her that for a while.

“Don’t like it?” He asked cautiously. Before he could begin spitting word vomit again, she tightened her hand around his in retaliation. James’ eyes widened and he looked down at it. Their fingers were now intertwined. Lily hated the fact that she loved it. 

“It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that no one has bothered to call me that in a long time,” she admitted. James tightened his hold on her hand even more, if it was even possible. 

“Then consider me the first.”

***

That Christmas had been amazing. Lily had never felt more alive, and she had learnt that maybe James and Sirius weren’t that bad either. They had plans, big plans it seemed. They had shared their talents, Lily had played them some music. Lily didn’t know that James could play bass, and when Sirius brought out his own guitar Lily’s mouth watered. Sirius’ guitar was a beauty, a rickenbacker coloured black, just like his name. It had barely been used and when she trimmed the strings they were stiff. 

“Can you actually play?” Sirius asked. His hands were tucked behind his head and he looked scrutinous at best. Lily just scoffed at his skepticism and played something simple, something easy that he could wrap his head around. She raised an eyebrow when she happened to finish and he just shook his head. “Doesn’t prove anything.”

And then she proved him wrong. 

James’ jaw dropped. Sirius looked baffled. And Lily just handed the guitar back and shrugged. 

“You have to use that,” James said immediately, leaning over his own squier classic to reach for the digestive christmas box that he had been sent by his parents. He had shared with both of them, with absolutely no qualms. But Lily still took them sparingly, constantly worrying that she was taking too much by even being in their space. 

“Use it for what?” She asked, sipping on her vodka coke- where they had got the liquor was beyond her, but she was enjoying the sensation that it was having and was taking it slow. The girl sniffed. She was wrapped up in a jumper of James’, since she had just immediately joined the two of them as soon as Sirius had poked his head into the common room, distraught at how James had left him behind. 

“I don’t know? Apply for X-Factor? Teach-”

“You could join a band?” Sirius suggested. He seemed serious, painfully that was the only word that was coming to her mind, and she laughed at that. 

“What band?”

“We have a band-” James began but then Sirius raised his hand to stop him. 

“We do not have a band, Prongs,” Sirius said slowly. “We have two guitars and a dream. Lily you should like, apply for like- I don’t know. Just go find a band.” 

Her mind drifted slightly to Severus. Would he be interested? Something told her that he would be and all at the same time, wouldn’t be. Severus had that pompous attitude which usually made people not want to go near him, it had ruined her too so far in terms of peers, so she couldn’t see him getting along with musicians of all people. He had to have everything ‘just right’, so to speak. Lily couldn’t see that happening. 

But then she thought a little more. And she kept it to herself. 

The conversation shifted and changed and somehow fell on the topic of what they were going to do once they had left the school itself. All three of them were staying for sixth form, that much was obvious, but then what? 

James and Sirius grinned. “Travelling.”

Lily frowned. “Travelling? Where?”

They described how they planned on getting a car and touring France, South to North, and then hitching a ride on a plane and finding themselves somewhere around Eastern Asia. 

Lily listened, paying attention but also beginning to have a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had never considered what she wanted to do after school. Her personal tutor said she should consider University, and for the past three years (as soon as she was old enough to form a good enough thought for herself) she had thought about it thoroughly and came to the rough decision that she wasn’t interested. She could have done it, sure, easily, no problem, but did she want to? 

Her mind drifted to all of the Christmases alone in this building and all of the summers she had spent touring the same four blocks around the foster home. She was almost desperate to get away from the casualness of it all. She wanted something new, a pace that was her own. 

But she bit her tongue when she was desperate to ask to go with them. She would figure something out soon enough. Surely. She still had two more years to go after all. 

 

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Gryffinverse