Chapter Text
Jeongguk was thirteen when he realized that he wanted to be a singer. An idol, that’s what people in his country called it. He was two when his parents left everything behind and moved to the States so that he and his brother could have a better future, or so they thought.
Jeongguk was seventeen when he decided he wanted to go back to Korea. He had auditioned for a company there and they wanted him. They wanted him to debut in a group.
It’d been hard to leave his family and his entire life behind: his friends, his girlfriend at the time who got over him pretty quickly, and whom he wrote a few songs about that never saw the light of day.
But this was his dream, so he went.
Jeongguk was eighteen when he entered an audition program on national television and he was eighteen and a half when he won. He was nineteen when he became the youngest artist to have a number-one debut in the charts.
Jeongguk was twenty the day his life would be forever changed.
And, even though Jeongguk is twenty-three now, he still thinks about that day constantly.
It was a cold December day, he remembers. He was so nervous, so out of place. It was his first award show since his debut after his success in the program.
He knew that, although he’d basically won a popularity contest, there were still many people who didn’t like him. In fact, it was as other people’s fans were around him that it became even clearer.
It still didn’t stop him from doing his best, it didn’t stop him from performing in front of everyone else there, all the people he admired and he’d seen as a kid and as a trainee from TV wishing he could one day be like them.
And it was after picking up one of the trophies that he won that night and was on his way back to his seat for the rest of the ceremony that it happened.
“Wait up!” A deep voice called from behind Jeongguk. He turned even if his bodyguards tensed next to him. “You’re Jeongguk, right?” But Jeongguk was at a loss for words. “I’m—˝
“Taehyung sunbaenim!” Jeongguk bowed straight away, making the older man giggle. “It’s—I’m a big fan!” He admitted.
“Oh, you’re so cute!” Taehyung said. “Thank you very much! I just wanted to say congratulations on winning and also to praise you for your performance! It was so good!”
And, the thing that you need to know is that, when Jeongguk was thirteen and decided that he wanted to be an idol, Taehyung was fifteen and debuting with his first mini album. When Jeongguk was seventeen and decided he wanted to go to Korea after auditioning for a company, he had been listening to Taehyung’s music for years. He’d seen his performances over and over again, mesmerized by his stage presence, his voice, his music.
So, when Jeongguk’s idol praised him when he was twenty, of course, he wouldn’t forget it.
“Thank you so much,” Jeongguk bowed a few times more because Taehyung kept bowing back and there was no way he was losing the bowing battle. “I… I can’t wait to watch your performance,” he admitted, then. Jeongguk assumed that was why his senior was backstage, after all. He was usually one of the last ones to perform due to his incredible popularity as South Korea’s prince. “Fighting, sunbaenim!”
“Oh, you can call me hyung, ” Taehyung told him back then, even though they barely knew each other. Someone called for him, then, and he offered Jeongguk an apologetic smile. “I have to go get ready but it was so nice to meet you! We should meet for dinner sometime, my treat!” He offered and Jeongguk’s jaw dropped right there. “And good luck with the rest of your promotions!”
That was the last thing Taehyung said before he disappeared like he’d been a dream that Jeongguk had conjured without meaning to. The rest of the ceremony he was pretty out of it to the point that there are still GIFs and memes online of him spacing out to this day. But, when a few days later, Jeongguk gathered the courage to send Taehyung a signed album to his company and he posted it on social media with a smiley face, Jeongguk decided that maybe it’d been real.
Jeongguk is twenty-three now as he scrolls through his photos, trying to empty space on his hard drive, and finds memories of that time. Of their first meal together, of the first time, Taehyung invited him to his house to have a drink and listen to some of his music… Jeongguk felt so lucky, and he still does. He feels the luckiest person alive to be able to call Taehyung a friend. Kim Taehyung , Korea’s number-one sweetheart, velvet voice, and god-like looks.
And they’ve been friends now for three years, against all odds.
Taehyung had been there for him through thick and thin, through dating scandals, through flopped songs, through artist blocks, through heartbreak, too. And Jeongguk had tried his best to do the same to him, to be his shoulder to lean on whenever he needed it, to be his confidante, and to listen to his songs and tell him if they were good or not. But there was something that Jeongguk could not do, even if he tried to. He could not see Taehyung get taken advantage of. He couldn’t stand the way people loved and left him without a care in the world. Taehyung always said the same thing.
“It’s fine, at least I’ll get a song out of this.”
But Jeongguk hated it. Could never hate his songs but he always hated knowing who they were about.
He opens one of the pictures that pop up on his trip down memory lane and chuckles, taking his phone out to snap a shot and send it to him with the caption “damn hyung you looked so hot here what happened to you?”
It’s actually a picture taken in one of the award shows of that same first year that they met where they were interacting in public for the first time and people posted it online. Jeongguk looks so young compared to how he looks right now, but the truth is that Taehyung still looks beautiful.
His phone lights up with a reply and he snorts when he reads it.
taetaehyung:
Is that the way they teach u Americans to respect your elders?????
brat 🖕🏻
Jeongguk pockets his phone again and gets back to work, which is actually doing anything to avoid going back to work as the document with his unfinished lyrics stares back at him mockingly.
To be fair, he’s investing in the future, because he would probably run out of space eventually so it’s best if he cleans up his files right now rather than another day when he doesn’t have the time, right?
He loves lying to himself.
This isn’t the only topic that he tends to do that about, either.
There were a few things Jeongguk didn’t take into consideration when as a kid he decided that he wanted to be an idol for the rest of his life and one of them was the lack of privacy he’d have if he succeeded. Especially if he succeeded big time the way he did.
Maybe if things had been different and his debut hadn’t been massive his personal life wouldn’t have been as affected as it is now, but beggars can’t be choosers and Jeongguk feels extremely lucky and thankful for the success he’s got in the past few years that he has started to learn how to live with the fact that nothing he does is private anymore.
He got the first glimpse of that when a few years ago he decided to go on a date with a girl whom he went to school with after he moved to Seoul, a girl who was also in the industry, and pictures started surfacing and dating rumors spread online. He’d liked the girl, but after that, he was scared for his own safety and hers so they didn’t go out anymore after that because the backlash she got from it was much bigger than his and he didn’t think it was fair.
He had to learn how to go on dates, how to meet people outside his social circles, and how to try and have a seemingly normal life amongst the very much not-normal reality he lived in. And it was Taehyung who taught him that.
Taehyung had been in the industry for long enough to know every single thing that there was to be known. During his time in the public eye, he didn’t have many rumors or scandals but that didn’t mean that he didn’t do anything that was worthy of them if he were to be discovered. He was just good at hiding things.
“You just need to be careful. Try avoiding public spaces as much as possible, you know? Instead of going to a restaurant, invite them to your place and order some takeout. Instead of walking through the park, take them to the last session of the movies where nobody else is there,” Taehyung had told him in one of what he used to call Celebrity Life Training sessions.
Of course, even then, people could still talk, and people could still sell his secrets to the press for a few thousand won, but he started to be better at living with it.
In fact, he’s been in a relationship for almost a year now. They managed a few months of secret dates before the public got word of it, but this time, instead of running away and denying the rumors, Jeongguk decided to embrace it because he actually felt like it could work with this girl.
So, his company made a statement and they are public, now. Even though they’re barely seen in public together, because Jeongguk still tries to keep his private life private, but at least, he doesn’t have to fear being outed like that again.
His girlfriend, Nina, he met her when he traveled to the States a few years ago for a tour. She was a choreographer who joined him and his team for the shows they did there. She, like Jeongguk, was Korean but lived in the States for most of her life, so it was easy to bond with her as they shared rehearsals and meals between shows. Their first kiss had been kind of funny. They went out after the last show of the tour and got a bit too tipsy and ended up confessing they were both kind of crushing on the other, which led to a kiss that ended up with her almost throwing up on him. Jeongguk still hasn’t let her live it down to this day.
But the one thing about their relationship is that most of the time, they’re not really together. As a choreographer, Nina works mostly in the States, and although Jeongguk goes to visit as often as he can, he has his own obligations here which means they spend most of their time apart. And although Jeongguk loves her, because that much he knows to be true, sometimes distance can play tricks on them, and it does.
They’ve had their fair share of arguments fueled by baseless rumors, stupid jealousy, and misunderstandings that, over the phone, are hard to clear up.
Because another thing that Jeongguk has had to learn to live with in his time as an idol has been the fact that he has no control over what people say online about him and about his relationships with other people.
Especially with Taehyung.
Ever since they became friends and Taehyung took him under his wing, Jeongguk has been aware that there are people who like them together and even believe that there’s something going on between them behind cameras, even if either of them is in a relationship at the moment. Jeongguk, of course, knows none of those rumors are true, but when you can’t control what people say, you also can’t control how people will react to them, especially those affected by it.
Plus, Jeongguk never understood why people believed those rumors because there was no way that their reasoning made any sense.
There was no way Taehyung could ever feel that way about him, no way that the songs people said were about Jeongguk weren’t actually about somebody else. It just made no sense to him, but, of course, people will always believe what they want to.
He’s back home now in his apartment, waiting for his leftover food from yesterday to heat up in the microwave when his phone rings and he sees it’s a video call from Nina. He smiles when he sees the picture of them that appears whenever she calls and picks up. She probably just woke up, considering the time difference.
“Hi,” Jeongguk smiles as soon as the call connects. As he expected, she’s still in bed. “Good morning to you.”
“Morning, or well, good night, I guess?” she chuckles a bit from the other line, moving so that she can stand up as she yawns. Technically it’s not that early back there, considering how late it is in Seoul right now. “Sorry, I was so late today. I almost didn’t call, in case you were asleep.”
“You know I don’t sleep too early,” Jeongguk reminds her and she nods, but he can see that there’s something on her mind. “You okay, baby?” He asks with a frown. Even through the phone, he’s learned to read her. It’s not so hard to do, either.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s just—” And she bites her lip as if she was stopping herself from speaking.
“Tell me, what is it?” And, the microwave announces that it’s done but Jeongguk is suddenly so nervous that he feels like he’s not hungry at all anymore.
“I went through a bit of a spiral scroll last night and… well, you know how those end.”
Unfortunately, he does.
It’s not the first time that her insecurities get the best of her, especially when she goes online and all she sees are his or Taehyung’s fans trying to find proof that they’re together. Even calls her relationship with Jeongguk a cover-up because it happened right after Taehyung released one of the songs fans are sure is about him: ‘ For us’.
“Nina… How many times do I need to remind you that Taehyung is just my friend?” He asks, almost frustrated at this point. It’s like they’re going in circles and Jeongguk doesn’t know what else to do.
“I know that. I’m not—I know you wouldn’t cheat, Guk, I’m just… I miss you, you know? Being far from you sucks because there’s no way I can remind myself that you’re real when you’re half the world away.”
And, after those words, Jeongguk knows what he needs to do. It’s what he always does whenever something like this happens.
“I can take a few days off and go visit you,” he offers. To be fair, even if he should be working on his new album, he’s been a bit stuck and maybe spending time with her might help fuel his creativity again. Who knows? The California sun might help a bit as well. And, as he expected, her face lights up immediately.
“Really? Oh! I would love that! God, it feels like I haven’t seen you in years!” She smiles and that brings relief to his heart. He never wants her to suffer because of him and the life he chose to live. He knows she doesn’t deserve it.
“Alright, I’ll talk to the company and book some tickets tomorrow, okay?” Jeongguk smiles back, leaning in closer to the screen. “I miss you too, by the way.” He admits. It seems to put her at ease as well to hear it.
Their call doesn’t last much longer than that, because she needs to get ready to start her day and Jeongguk needs to have dinner and head to bed even if he will probably toss and turn for a few hours until he finally manages to fall asleep.
And if a certain velvet-voiced boy kisses him in his dreams, then it’s a good thing Jeongguk never remembers.
“You’re going to the States again ?” Taehyung asks from where he sits on his couch. It’s been a while since they’ve seen each other in person and, even if they text daily, Jeongguk is still surprised every time he sees him. Surprised by his effortless looks.
He invited Jeongguk to come over and play some games and catch up since it was Taehyung’s day off, but when the younger arrived, Taehyung was just waking up, so he wasn’t even wearing any makeup or any fancy clothes, and he still looked breathless. Jeongguk doesn’t think it’s fair, but then again, God truly must have favorites, and he’s standing before one of them.
“What do you mean again?” Jeongguk laughs. “I haven’t been in a while!”
“Didn’t you go like last month?” Taehyung asks back, offering a seat next to him now that Jeongguk is back from the kitchen. “And aren’t you supposed to like… be focused on your new album? Or is it just for me that you’re busy? Because you’ve been blowing me off all month, Gukie,” Taehyung accuses him, and Jeongguk knows he’s right. It’s true that he’s been busy with preparations and with writing his new album, which is why every time Taehyung offered to meet up, he was already scheduled for the day and couldn’t make it. But…
“It’s Nina,” is all Jeongguk says and Taehyung seems to get it, then. “I won’t be gone for too long either, because, yes, I am busy with my new album.”
“Speaking of your new album, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Taehyung seamlessly transitions topics, catching Jeongguk off guard.
“What?” He asks, a little bit afraid of what his friend is going to say next.
“I’ve been thinking how criminal it is that you and I don’t have a song together,” Taehyung starts, and Jeongguk’s eyes open widely. “What’s that face for?” he chuckles. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while! I thought about having it on my album, but I think your style would be better and you know how I am about musically cohesive albums.”
“You want us to record a duet for my album?” Jeongguk asks just to make sure he’s understood it well, which only makes Taehyung laugh harder.
“Drop the fanboy act, Guk,” he pushes him a little. “So? What do you think? Would you like to? I already have some ideas that we could—˝
“I’d love to!” Jeongguk cuts him, then. A song with Taehyung? He must be dreaming. “Plus, I feel like our voices would sound great together, too. At least, they do whenever you let me drag you to karaoke nights down the street,” Jeongguk smiles, unable to hold back his happiness.
“Great! I’m sure the fans will love it, too,” Taehyung adds, leaning back on the couch and taking a sip from the drink Jeongguk brought him from the kitchen.
Yeah, the fans will definitely love it.
“We can start working on it when I get back from the trip if you want?” Jeongguk offers and Taehyung nods, excitedly. “Cool! Hopefully, that will help me get over this stupid block,” Jeongguk sighs and takes a sip from his beer, regretting the words just as they leave his mouth.
“Oh? You’re blocked?” Taehyung asks, turning to focus all his attention on him. “Need help?”
And that’s the thing about Taehyung. He’ll always try to help Jeongguk out of any situation, no matter what it is. His experience in the industry and in music creation has helped Jeongguk more times than he can count. In fact, many people to this day still think that it’s thanks to Taehyung that Jeongguk is so successful. That it’s their friendship the only thing floating his boat at this point.
And, most of the time, Jeongguk believes it.
“No, no, don’t worry,” he tries to brush it off, not really wanting to talk about it. Not really wanting to show Taehyung the drafts of his songs that he most likely will end up deleting anyway. “You know, these things happen. I just hope that these days off with Nina help a bit.”
“Ugh, young love, I cannot stand you,” Taehyung teases, rolling his eyes.
“It’s not my fault that all you do is hook up with people, hyung!” Jeongguk teases back. They’ve had this conversation so many times that Jeongguk already knows what he’s going to say before he does.
“You know I’m not looking for anything serious,” Taehyung recites word-for-word. Jeongguk knows. Especially after how his last relationship ended. “It’s best to just have some fun and never see them again,” he shrugs, then. And, although Jeongguk knows that Taehyung means it, he can’t help but hear a bit of loneliness in his friend’s tone.
He doesn’t point it out, though. It seems to be an unspoken rule for Jeongguk.
“Speaking of fun, I thought you invited me here to play some games and kick your ass?” Jeongguk asks, then, pulling another smile from his best friend.
“Here comes the brat again. Just so you know, I’ve been practicing, so don’t be so cocky!” Taehyung informs him before he stands up to get the remotes from his fancy and weird-looking décor table and hands it to him.
“If I’m cocky is because I have proof to back me up,” Jeongguk laughs as he takes the remote. “Get ready to kiss my ass, hyung.”
Taehyung laughs as he turns the console on.
“You wish, Guk.”
Jeongguk used to hate flying when he was a kid. His father always said it had to do with the fact that when they moved to the States, even though Jeongguk had been so small that he can’t remember, the flight had been quite bumpy and that is why his subconscious was scared of it. When he had to move to Korea by himself when he got into his company, he was so grateful that his parents went with him at least to help him settle down, and that way he didn’t have to fly on his own.
It’s almost funny to think about it now, considering how much he needs to fly because of work: to attend award shows, for filming shows or music videos, for tours… Jeongguk thinks that if he had to guess, by the time he turns thirty he will have spent at least half of his life in the air.
However, the reason why he doesn’t really like flying anymore isn’t that he’s scared that the plane will crash, but because he’s old enough and has traveled enough to know that it’s highly unlikely.
The reason why he hates it is because he always ends up thinking about something he shouldn’t. And he’s aware that he could spend his flight sleeping or even watching some movies that he’s been unable to watch at home from his busy schedule. But what he ends up doing is thinking, and reminiscing.
The sky is dark outside the window, and there are big cumulus clouds under the plane, too.
Jeongguk wonders if it’s raining under them and if the ocean water evaporated just for it to return back where it belonged.
And it’s the rain that brings back a memory that Jeongguk does not often think about. A memory that inspired a song that he released around a year ago, a song he wrote before he went on tour and before he met Nina.
It was a rainy night in Seoul and Jeongguk decided he wanted to go out and have a drink. He’d been nervous about his upcoming tour, nervous about meeting his fans abroad for the first time, and worrying that he would not be enough. He’d been working so hard that every single inch of his body hurt when he tried to move, but he knew that he had to work hard in order to achieve good results.
So, he decided to treat himself.
Most people decided to stay at home when it rained, which proved the perfect opportunity for people like Jeongguk to go out.
Taehyung taught him that.
So he went into a bar, ordered a few drinks as if he was waiting for somebody else so that he wouldn’t look pathetic drinking alone, and sat down at one of the tables in the back to stay hidden.
But he would never be able to hide himself enough from people who were looking for him.
“Fancy meeting you here tonight,” Taehyung said as he stumbled down and sat next to him. For a second, Jeongguk wondered if he texted him without realizing it. If his subconscious had, somehow, made a call without his permission.
“Hyung? What are you doing here?” Jeongguk asked, also wondering if maybe he fell asleep on the table and he was dreaming him up.
“I assume the same as you,” Taehyung chuckled. “Mind if I keep you company? I kinda don’t want to be alone tonight.”
“Yeah, sure,” Jeongguk said and moved so that Taehyung could sit next to him, even though there was more than enough space for him to sit in front of him. “You alright?” He asked as the rain tapped against the window of the bar.
“Yeah, just… Rainy days make me a bit sentimental. A bit lonely, I guess,” he chuckles and takes a sip from one of the drinks Jeongguk had on the table, even though he makes a funny face when it seems not to be to his liking. “I’m glad I found you, though. Otherwise, I might’ve ended up doing something really stupid.”
“Then, I’m glad you found me, too,” Jeongguk smiled.
He knew what something stupid meant for Taehyung: which almost usually included calling old hook-ups, and it never ended well.
“So! How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” Taehyung turned enough to face him, his cheeks already a bit red from the drinks and the cold. Fall was upon them, which was why Jeongguk expected that the rain would accompany them for a while.
“Yeah, I’ve been… very busy. The tour is starting soon and I just want it to be perfect,” Jeongguk admitted having another drink to stop his brain from overthinking the fact that he should’ve been practicing still.
“Ah, I see. Well, I don’t mean to ruin this for you but it doesn’t matter how hard you practice, life isn’t perfect and you might still make mistakes and that’s alright,” Taehyung told him. “Nobody is perfect, not even you.”
Those words stuck to Jeongguk even if he didn’t want to because he’d always had a mindset that if he tried hard enough, then he’d be the best, but Taehyung was right. There was no way he could control everything, therefore it was very likely that, sometimes, things wouldn’t go his way.
“You are,” Jeongguk’s drunken brain supplied, catching him off guard. Thankfully, Taehyung just laughed it off, thinking he probably didn’t mean it. But Jeongguk did.
“I think you drunk too much, Guk,” he added after that. “Should I finish these for you?” He signaled at the drinks still on the table, but Jeongguk knew that Taehyung was more of a lightweight than him, so that wasn’t very wise, either.
“It’s fine, hyung,” he shook his head and drank a bit more to hopefully shut himself up. “How have you been?”
And that was another thing about Taehyung. He could be falling apart in a million little pieces and he would pretend that everything was fine until it was too late. Jeongguk lived through some of those moments in the few years of friendship they had on them, and he hated it. He hated it because he was so good at pretending that Jeongguk could never tell.
“I’m okay!” Taehyung said at the time. “Busy, too. Making music, trying to start over this project that I feel like it’s taking ages… the usual,” he shrugged. “I can’t believe you’re going on your first World Tour, though. That’s so cool!” He switched topics and Jeongguk should’ve known that was a tell, but at the time, he didn’t. “I always knew you’d make it. Ever since you were on that program, I could always see that you had star potential and that you were infinitely better than anybody else in there. Did I tell you that?” Taehyung admitted, his smile sleepy. “I voted for you, too.”
“What?” Jeongguk laughed, unable to believe him. “Did you really?”
“I did! Why would I lie about that?” Taehyung laughed and took another sip, finishing the drink and leaning against Jeongguk’s shoulder. Jeongguk froze and there was no way he could blame the drop in temperature for it. “I’ve always been rooting for you, you know that.”
And that much Jeongguk knew. He was incredibly grateful for that, too.
“Do you want me to walk you home, hyung? How did you get here?” Jeongguk asked after they’d fallen into silence again after a while, and Taehyung only hummed, which told him that he was falling asleep.
Getting Taehyung home that day had been a challenge and they both ended up drenched under the rain, but, after working so hard for so long, Jeongguk laughed more than he’d done in a while, and he really appreciated that.
“You can stay if you want,” Taehyung offered when they got to his place. “I don’t mind. The place is big enough, you know? Plus, it’s still raining.”
It was still raining and unless Jeongguk called a taxi, he’d have to walk a long way until he got to his apartment.
“Are you sure?” Jeongguk asked. He’d been to Taehyung’s apartment before but he’d never stayed over. But Taehyung didn’t say anything else, just pulled him inside the building.
“If I’m not going to see you in months again, I want to at least make the most of the time I have left,” Jeongguk remembers Taehyung saying at the time as he opened his apartment’s door. “That way the rain won’t hit me as hard.”
“Sir, you need to sit up. We’re about to land,” a flight attendant comes to warn Jeongguk, whose seat was reclined to see if he could sleep a bit, but he couldn’t. He went down memory lane instead, which has now left him with a mess of feelings as he puts his headphones back on and, ironically, his own song comes on.
The song he wrote on tour about that night.
When will it be? When I face you again, I will look into your eyes and say “I missed you”.
Jeongguk can’t bring himself to skip the song the same way he couldn’t bring himself to erase the words when they poured out of him with such ease years ago.
Still With You was born from his own thoughts running wild about a night that did not mean a thing.
But if it didn’t mean a thing, why does his heart hurt when he listens to it?
As it was said before, Jeongguk loves lying to himself.
California welcomes him with the usual humidity sticking to his skin. He hasn’t missed this that much because Seoul is quite similar. Much less warm, that’s for sure.
Although this was a personal schedule, he’s not surprised when he still sees some flashes and people taking pictures of him as he makes his way out of LAX.
He texts his family to let them know that he’s made it safely, even though he’ll probably stop by for a visit through the days he’s staying here, but heads straight to his usual residence whenever he visits lately: Nina’s place.
As someone who grew up in the city, it’s weird to see how much it’s changed through the years, which meant that he had to relearn some of the old roads again. His manager drives him this time, but he knows that, once they make it there, Jeongguk will let him leave and enjoy a few days of vacation.
He even insisted on coming alone, but, of course, nobody in the company thought that was smart, not even himself.
It’s the middle of the night, late enough that Jeongguk knows Nina will be home from the studio by now. He’s glad that he booked a flight that landed at night so that he can go to sleep straight away, knowing there was a slim chance of him doing so on the plane.
“Are you sure you’ll be alright, Jeongguk?” Namjoon, his manager, asks. He’s always worried about Jeongguk’s safety more than he himself has. “I can try and get a place nearby in case you need something—˝
“I’ll be fine, hyung. Plus, I can always call you if something comes up, but try to enjoy your break as well, okay? Don’t worry too much about me or Hobi hyung will kick my ass,” Jeongguk smiles at him, catching his eyes in the review mirror and seeing how he blushes at the mention of Hoseok. His… it’s complicated.
“Fine. But know you can call me anytime,” he reminds him as he stops in front of Nina’s building.
They painted the building since the last time he came, it’s an eggshell color, now. Looks out of place in the street of bright-colored buildings.
“I know. See you in a week, hyung!” Jeongguk smiles and gets out, opening the trunk to get his luggage out, and waits until Namjoon’s car has driven away to walk to the building. He takes the spare key Nina gave him a few months back and opens the door, going up to the sixth floor where her loft is and carefully opening the door, in case she’s asleep.
It’s not like it’s a surprise that he’s coming, because they did talk about it the other day, but he hasn’t told her that he arrived yet, which is why she looks surprised when their eyes meet.
“Hey,” Jeongguk smiles as he lets the door close behind him, his reflexes sharp enough to catch Nina when she throws herself to hug him tightly. “Hi, baby. I’m here.”
“You—˝ She pulls back enough to look at him. “I thought you were coming tomorrow morning!” And she looks so happy. So relieved that Jeongguk is finally within reach.
“Nope, I wanted to surprise you a little,” Jeongguk admits with a smile that mirrors her own. “I’m glad you were still up, though.”
“ God, I missed you,” she sighs again before she wraps her arms around his neck in another tight hug. Jeongguk closes his eyes and breathes her in, hugging her back. “Thank you for coming.”
“Of course,” Jeongguk pulls her back enough to brush a few tears away from under her eyes. “I missed you too, you know?” And it’s then that she kisses him. And he’s missed that, too.
She tastes like takeaway pizza and orange soda, which Jeongguk knows by now is her comfort food. He hopes that, now that he’s here, she won’t need it.
“How was your flight? Are you hungry?” She asks after the kiss, finally letting go of him and returning to land, reaching to take one of Jeongguk’s bags into the apartment.
“I’m sleepy,” Jeongguk admits and wraps his arms again around her back, slouching a bit and making her laugh. “Let’s go to bed and I can tell you about the flight tomorrow, hm?” He whispers against her neck before he leaves a bare kiss on her skin.
“Okay,” she whispers back and puts the bag down to turn around and face him with a smile on his lips before Jeongguk kisses her again. “Go ahead and get ready for bed, I need to finish reviewing one of the classes from today,” she mentions against his lips, and Jeongguk whines. “It’ll only take a second, I promise,” she giggles and kisses him quickly before she pushes him away and Jeongguk heads to the bedroom, dragging his bags with him and ‘getting ready’, which means just taking off his clothes because he hardly ever sleeps dressed anyway.
As he gets in bed, he picks up his phone and sees that his parents have replied to his messages and he promises to drop by and visit as soon as he can.
He also sees that his name and the pictures from the airport are trending, so he sighs. Something else he’s more than used to, at this point.
He’s not sure if it’s the exhaustion from the flight, the relief of seeing that everything is fine, or the comfort that the scent of the sheets brings, but he drifts off before Nina makes her way to the bedroom, not even waking up when she gets under the covers and wraps her body around his.
But it feels good, warm, and safe.
Jetlag is one of the worst feelings in the world, according to Jeongguk. There are not many things that feel worse than waking up not knowing what day of the month it is, feeling like you slept for two days, and realizing it’s only been a few hours.
Jeongguk hates it, and he hates how much it takes for his body to get used to the new time zones, especially when the change is so drastic as Seoul and L.A.
That’s why, when he wakes up, he feels like he both slept for a year and nothing at all. He groans and tries to reach for his phone, seeing it’s still too early, but he’s not sure if he’ll be able to go back to sleep now.
Nina is still asleep in his arms, legs tangled with his and not letting him get up at all, as if she knew he’d wake up and would need extra weight on him not to get out of bed.
He tries to follow her breathing, tries to close his eyes, and empty his mind so that he can fall back asleep at least for a few more hours when the sun is already out and he can jog around the block or something, but instead, he ends up thinking.
His mind starts to wander and it seems like, even though he is barely awake himself, his creativity seems to be raging to come out.
Jeongguk reaches out once more to unplug his phone from the charger so that he can write down a few lyrics that he’s just come up with and sees that he has a text from Taehyung from a few hours ago. He shared one of the press pictures of Jeongguk arriving at LAX and wrote good thing the press keeps me updated on u since u can’t even bother telling me u landed, brat.
It makes Jeongguk smile a little. Taehyung’s tone is always funny when he tries telling him off.
Truth is, he was going to tell him once he got home but fell asleep before he could.
So, instead, he texts him now, knowing that, back home, he’s probably awake.
taetaehyung:
Sorry hyung I fell asleep as soon as I got to Nina’s
I can’t believe you’re saying you’re grateful that my schedule got leaked and my stalkers took pictures
Do NOT put words in my mouth jeon I never said that
Sorry it got leaked though that’s fucked :/
And of course you fell asleep as soon as you got to your girlfriend’s house that you haven’t seen in months
I wasn’t born yesterday lmao
I did! I was exhausted
Couldn’t sleep on the plane so…
Then why the fuck aren’t you sleeping now?
Jetlag sucks ass
And don’t make a joke about this I'll kill you
Dang, you got me
Well try to sleep a bit more you’re gonna need energy for the day
Say hi to Nina from me :)
Gtg I have a meeting about something important
Enjoy the trip, Guk!
Oh???
About what?
And thank u hyung I will !
Have a good day :)
Jeongguk puts his phone back down and wonders what Taehyung’s meeting could be about. Possibly about his new music being released soon since he knows his hyung has been working hard on that for a while. That’s exciting.
Nina whines on his chest at the movement once Jeongguk returns to bed.
“What time is it?” She asks, words so slurred that Jeongguk barely gets it.
“Early, love, go back to sleep,” he whispers back, fingers combing through her hair to lull her back to sleep.
“You, too,” she cuddles in closer and nuzzles her nose against his neck. She knows he likes that. Jeongguk just hums in response, closing his eyes and feeling her breathing against his skin. It takes him a while but as the sun starts to rise behind the curtains of the bedroom, Jeongguk manages to fall asleep.
As usual, the contrary to what should be.
And, the next time he wakes up, is with Nina stirring awake in his arms a few hours later. All Jeongguk can do is whine and try to hold her tighter, but she giggles and tickles him until he lets go.
“Good morning,” she wishes him, sitting up in bed even if it feels neither good nor a morning for Jeongguk right now.
“Come back here, I’m still sleepy,” Jeongguk tries to convince her, but it’s useless and he knows it.
“I have work in like an hour,” she laughs, reaching over to brush his hair off his eyes a little bit. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what? Like I crossed the ocean to spend time with you and now you’re going to abandon me for hours?” Jeongguk pouts. He’s kidding, mostly. He knows Nina has work and he was expecting it anyway. He’s just extra clingy in the morning, is all.
“No wonder you’re a singer, all that drama needs to go somewhere,” she shakes her head and leans forward to press a kiss on his lips, so short Jeongguk barely has time to kiss back. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’ll try to finish earlier, okay?” Jeongguk sighs and nods. “You can sleep all day if you want. There’s food in the fridge if you get hungry, too.”
“Shouldn’t sleep all day,” Jeongguk reasons. It’s true that he shouldn’t but he’s not sure if he’ll be able to help it. “I might go home and spend the day with my parents, I think.”
“Oh, that’s nice!” Nina smiles. “Come on, then. Have breakfast with me and you can drive me to the studio before you go there.”
“Look at you, is this why you wanted me to come? To drive you around?” Jeongguk feigns offense as he lifts himself up a little, enjoying how Nina tries to deny his accusations and they end up making out instead.
Looks like, unless Jeongguk does drive her, she’ll be late.
Jeongguk hasn’t been back to visit his parents in a while which makes him sound like an awful son but since most of the times he’s come to the city has been for work or to briefly visit Nina, he barely had the time. Plus, he did fly them and his brother to Korea to visit family last Chuseok much against their wishes.
He parks in the driveway of the house Jeongguk grew up in and every time is such a journey to return back here.
He tried to convince his parents to move, to buy them a bigger house with appliances that don’t break every now and then but they never wanted him to. They never really wanted Jeongguk to splurge on them in case his fame ended from one day to another and he’d need that money for something else.
He tried not to blame them for that mindset but considering his fame did happen pretty much overnight, he’s aware that it might also vanish just as quickly.
The house welcomes him with opened windows and the smell of homemade food which makes him smile as he gets off the car.
He opens the door and is immediately hit by a wave of nostalgia that he wasn’t expecting. It brings him back to the day he left this house for the first time, to the day he moved away from his family.
He remembers his parents waiting for him in the car so that they could go to the airport but he had to say goodbye to the house properly. He had to say goodbye to the halls that had seen him grow, the walls that heard him sing for most of his life. He also had to say goodbye to every mark on the doorframe that told the story of how he grew up, to the picture frames that got broken by his dance moves.
He had to say goodbye to his entire life at such a young age and, although he cried most nights back then, he doesn’t regret it now.
“Oh, Jeongguk!” His mother’s voice brings him back and, before he can react, he’s pulled into a warm and tight hug from her. “You grew up!”
“It’s the boots, Mom,” Jeongguk jokingly adds, hugging her back. She always says the same thing even though Jeongguk hasn’t grown an inch in years.
“Or maybe it’s you that got smaller, dear,” Jeongguk’s father comes into the room, then, earning a death glare from his mother.
“Dad! You’re here!” Jeongguk heads to hug him, too, surprised. He assumed he’d be at work at this hour.
“Yeah, I had the day off, so I guess it’s a good thing you came today,” his father giggles as he hugs him as well, patting his back. “Welcome home, son.”
“You look so skinny, too! Sit down, I made some extra breakfast earlier,” his mother nags him.
“I already ate, Mom, don’t worry,” he reassures her but knows it’s pointless because he ends up sitting in the kitchen and eating the food anyway.
“So! How come you’ve come to visit? I thought you said you were really busy with your new album,” his father sits down next to him as Jeongguk finishes all the food his mother gave him. A bit bland as usual, but that’s the charm of his mother’s cooking, anyway.
“I am, I—I just came for a week to visit Nina and spend some time with her,” he explains. His parents obviously know Nina by now, in fact, he’d dare to say they see her more than him considering they live in the same city.
“That’s so sweet, honey,” his mother smiles. “Has she been having a hard time lately? We haven’t seen her in a while, either.”
And it’s not that Jeongguk knows much other than what she’s led on, so he just shrugs. He knows that she’s been busy at work and that she’s also been a little insecure about them, so those two combined can’t have been easy for her to deal with.
“And how’s that sweet friend of yours that invited us for dinner the last time we went to visit you?” His father asks, then.
“Taehyung?” Jeongguk asks as if he had more friends who could afford to pay for such an expensive dinner with high-quality wine for him and his parents. “He’s—He’s okay, yeah! Also busy, you know. Singers are always busy.” Jeongguk replies without knowing why he suddenly got so nervous.
“Well, I hope he’s a little bit less busy the next time we go because he did offer to take us to another restaurant downtown,” his father chuckles and, for some reason, Jeongguk’s chest lightens as he thinks that, even if he’s busy, he’d make time to keep his promise because that’s the kind of person Taehyung is.
“You won’t let me pay for anything but you’ll let him?” Jeongguk complains with a light chuckle.
“Well, he’s not my son, is he?” His father steals a bite off his plate. “Yah, honey, did you forget where the salt is again?”
And the whole scene with his parents bickering is so familiar that Jeongguk feels like he’s seventeen again before his dreams became a reality, and he can’t help but smile as his mother throws a tea towel to his dad who avoids it expertly.
He’s home.
And he ends up spending most of the day there with his parents, taking a nap in his childhood room with old pictures from his friends and posters. His bed is too small for him, now, but he curls up a little and makes it work.
It’s as he’s waiting for dinner that he spots on one of the shelves his collection of albums from back then. Most of them are from Western artists, but among them, the ones that stand out the most are the ones with a bigger package, the ones that also have been played the most.
He smiles and heads to pick one of them and laughs at the fact that the CD isn’t even in the box, probably still in his record player after so long, and takes a picture to send to the author of it.
taetaehyung:
look what I found
I think I might’ve sent you a pic of this already though
hope the meeting went well
you might be asleep now though but tell me tomorrow if you want!
Even if Taehyung’s sleeping schedule is as fucked up as his is, it’s late enough that he wouldn’t be surprised if his hyung was actually asleep for once. He locks his phone after making sure that he hasn’t missed any important texts or calls and resumes what he was doing: checking Taehyung’s old albums and deciding to redecorate his room a little bit while he waits for Nina to call him to pick her up from the studio.
He checks his socials then and sees that Taehyung posted a story on Instagram with a countdown which makes him frown.
There are only a few hours left on the clock.
But for what?
He tries to rack his brain to remember if Taehyung shared this information with him and he forgot it, but he comes up empty.
And, as a fan, he feels anticipation to see what’s coming.
But he doesn’t get to dwell on it too much because Nina texts him to let him know that she’s done with his lessons, so he gets ready to say goodbye to his parents, at least for today.
“Here, take some leftover kimchi! I made it the other day and I’m sure it’s been a while since Nina’s had some homecooked food,” his mother insists as he says goodbye, handing him a container with a bit too much kimchi for just the two of them, but he takes it anyway and thanks her.
“I’ll see you guys soon, okay? I’ll try coming back before I leave,” he promises and hugs them once more before he heads out and starts driving back downtown where the Dance Studio is located. He forgot how much he hated L.A. traffic. It always takes so much longer than it should to get anywhere, especially in rush hour, which means that he’ll pick Nina up later than he’d liked.
On the way, he listens to some of his demos, some of the music he’s been working on to see how he feels about it after a few days of letting them rest, tries to hum some melodies along that could turn into something more if he put work into it and even tries adding some of the words he came up with last night to see if they fit. So far, nothing seems to work too well, but he’ll keep trying.
By the time he makes it to the studio, the sun is setting behind the Los Angeles buildings.
“I’m sorry, traffic was a nightmare,” Jeongguk sighs as soon as she gets in the car.
“I know. Why do you think I never drive here?” she chuckles a bit and leans in to kiss him hello. “You should’ve called, I could’ve walked back to the apartment!”
“It’s fine, I was on the way already anyway,” he smiles and starts the engine again. “How was your day? It feels good to actually see you while asking this,” Jeongguk adds, too used to these kinds of conversations being had through the phone.
“Exhausting,” she admits. “But it was alright. You’re here now, so,” she shoots him a smile and Jeongguk smiles back, eyes still focused on the road. “You? How were your parents?”
“They were great! Dad had a day off, so I managed to see them both. Mom gave me some kimchi for you, too.”
“Oh, she’s the best!” she chuckles. “I’ll thank her later. And I’m glad you had a good day. You don’t look as tired as you did this morning.”
“Yeah, well, I did take a little nap,” he admits. “Didn’t want to go to bed too early today either.”
Because if he did, then tomorrow they’d go back to doing the same thing and Jeongguk would barely spend any time with her, which is the main reason why he came in the first place.
“That’s good,” she smiles and, as Jeongguk drives them back, the radio plays and she scrolls through her phone in silence.
“You’ll have to show me some of your new choreographies later,” Joengguk tells her after the silence has dragged for a bit longer than he likes. “It’s been a while!”
“Huh?” She turns to look at him, clearly having been too engrossed in whatever her phone was showing.
“You okay?” Jeongguk asks, sparing a glance her way before his eyes go back to the road.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” she nods. Jeongguk might be good at lying to himself but he can also tell when someone else is lying to him.
For now, though, he doesn’t do anything. He’ll wait until they make it to the apartment so that they can talk properly, about whatever it might be.
He finds a parking spot for Nina’s car close enough to her apartment building and that’s more than either of them could’ve asked for, so he parks and they head back to the apartment in silence.
It’s once they’re inside that Jeongguk reaches to hold her hand and pulls her back to his body and hugs her.
“What is it, Nins?” He whispers and gives her a few seconds before he pulls back enough to look at her. “You can tell me.”
“I can’t, though,” she admits and looks away, which surprises Jeongguk. She can’t? “You already think I’m fucking stupid—”
“Hey, hey, that’s not true,” Jeongguk frowns, cutting her off. “You’re not stupid. Why would you say that?”
Her eyes meet Jeongguk’s then and her look says something akin to you know why.
And the truth is that Jeongguk can guess, but he’d still like to hear it from her.
“Did you meet Taehyung before your flight?” She asks, then, and there it is. It’s not exactly what Jeongguk thought she was going to ask, but the topic remains the same.
“I hung out with him the other day, yes,” he responds honestly because there’s no need to hide it and because he’d told her as much. “I told you I was—˝
“Going to hang out with a friend,” she finishes for him. Jeongguk just nods. They even posted some stories together, so he’s not sure why she’s bringing it up now. “Why didn’t you tell me it was him?”
“Does it matter?” Jeongguk’s expression is still extremely confused. “We just talked and played some Smash Bros, that’s all.”
“But your fans—”
“Nina,” he cuts her off again, hands on hers, now. “We’ve been through this many times,” he sighs, trying not to sound too upset even if he is. He’s tired. He feels like they’re going round and round in circles with only one possible ending, and every time, he feels closer to it. “The fact that they draw conclusions has nothing to do with us. And you should stay away from social media if it affects you this much! I’ve never lied to you, ever.”
“They’re saying you spent the night with him before you had to fly here to ‘keep appearances’,” she points out and Jeongguk rolls his eyes.
“I didn’t spend the night. I went home because I needed to pack. I didn’t even sleep,” Jeongguk counterargues. “I know this is a sensitive topic for you, but I need you to trust me. Or else this—” Jeongguk doesn’t finish the sentence. He doesn’t want to.
“Can you be honest with me about something, then?” She asks and he suddenly gets scared.
It’s true that he’s never lied to her, that he never wants to. But he’s afraid of what she might ask and what the truth might do to her if it’s not what she wants to hear.
“Did you write any of your songs about him? Are any of his about you?”
Jeongguk stays quiet, for a little bit, then.
How is he meant to reply to that?
“As for his songs, I can’t know. I have no way of knowing and, as an artist, I think each person’s art should be viewed for what it is and not dissected into pieces to get a point across,” he starts because that part is easy. Taehyung can write about whatever he wants: his exes, his relationships with his parents, the detachment from society… it doesn’t matter to Jeongguk the way it does to the rest of the world that keeps tossing names around whenever the word love appears in one of them.
The name that gets tossed the most being his, too.
“And yours?”
“Honestly? Not technically,” Jeongguk says, then. “But I told you I wouldn’t lie so I did write ‘ Still With You’ after one night we had a drink together. Nothing happened, but I got inspired and I wrote it when I started the tour before I met you. That’s it.”
He watches her face as the words seem to process, and Jeongguk fears what she’s going to say next.
“Nothing ever happened?” She asks, and Jeongguk shakes his head. That much he knows is true. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He asks, opening his arms again and waiting, in case she doesn’t want him to hug her again, but she sighs and walks the few steps that were separating them and hugs him.
“Sorry, I know it’s stupid to get jealous but…” she sighs in his arms. He doesn’t say anything, he just holds her. “I’m really glad you’re here, you know?” She looks up to meet his eyes and Jeongguk smiles, bending down to leave a kiss on her lips.
“I know,” he whispers against them before the kiss escalates a bit further, both of them clearly having missed each other beyond words.
There was no way Jeongguk could expect what the following day would bring after last night. There was no way he could’ve predicted that, by coming clean about his song to Nina, he would end up condoning their relationship without meaning to.
Jeongguk awakes with the haze of a night well-spent, a smile pulling on his lips as he lets his fingers trace lines up and down Nina’s bare back as she sleeps. He carefully gets out of bed to head to the bathroom, finding his underwear on the floor and putting it on, even though he’ll probably shower now.
It doesn’t feel like it’s too early, the sun is already out and lighting up the apartment, so he doesn’t bother checking his phone.
His hair is a mess still and there are traces of the night across his skin when he finds his reflection in the mirror.
Jeongguk gets in the shower and lets the cold water wake up what’s left of him, using Nina’s products so that her scent lingers even while she’s gone to work in a few hours. He’s not too sure what he’ll do today. He might try to work a little bit, after all, he did bring his laptop and a portable microphone in case he got inspired, so he might as well.
He wraps a towel around his waist after he’s out of the shower and drags his feet back to the bedroom to get some clothes, finding Nina already awake and on her phone.
“Good morning, love,” Jeongguk smiles upon seeing her, now wearing his t-shirt. “Slept w—˝
“Have you checked your phone?” Her tone tells him that he’s not sure if he wants to.
“I—No? Why? What’s wrong?” Jeongguk asks as he puts on clean boxers and walks back to bed with her, but the moment his body touches the bed, hers leaves it. “Nina?”
“Just check it, Jeongguk,” is what she says and he notices that her eyes are teary.
“You’re scaring me,” Jeongguk admits as he reaches out for his phone. Did something happen to someone in his family? Was there any kind of incident back home?
However, when he picks up his phone, there’s not that much. No bad news from his parents, no emergency calls or anything, either, so he looks up at Nina again, confused. Her arms are hugging herself.
“What am I supposed to be checking, here?” Jeongguk asks a bit more frustrated now as he goes on Instagram first and sees that Taehyung posted a story.
Surely that won’t be it. Not after last night’s talk.
But he still checks it. And he sees that the countdown he posted yesterday turned out to be a new song and video.
“ Rainy Days , Jeongguk,” Nina snaps at him.
“Are you honestly mad right now about this again?” Jeongguk asks, putting his phone down. He hasn’t even heard the song but he knows he doesn’t have to.
“Yes, Jeongguk! I am mad because he’s clearly obsessed with you and you’re either too fucking stupid to see it or you know it and you’re lying to me!” She snaps at him, and that hurts .
He’s not sure what hurts more: the venomous words spat on his face or the fact that she doesn’t trust him after this long.
“It’s a fucking song, Nina!” He snaps back, getting up from bed. He surely was not expecting a fight this early in the morning, that’s for sure. “You know people can write songs about weird things, right? I’ve written songs about a couple I saw in a park once! It doesn’t have to mean anything!”
“But his do, Jeongguk!” She cries, now. “If not, why do they all somehow match? Why do they all feel like he’s talking about the same person every time? And why does it always match with you? ”
“Because you keep thinking they’re about me! It will of course fit your narrative just because you want it to! It’s like you’re looking for an excuse to make it all make sense and, you know what? I’m tired,” he shakes his head, and he feels the tears threatening to fall down his cheeks, too. “I’ve been nothing but honest with you from the beginning and I knew it would be hard for you to date someone like me and I was so grateful that you did, but maybe we’re just not—” he gulps. “I can’t keep convincing you of something that you believe so strongly. It’s like trying to convince you that the Earth is round when you think it’s flat.”
“You haven’t heard the lyrics…” she tries justifying it and Jeongguk almost laughs.
“And I don’t have to!” He snaps. “Okay, let’s say it’s about me. Why does it matter?!” And, for once, it seems like she doesn’t have anything to say about that. “You know that I’ve written songs about my exes before, why are you not bothered about those? And before you say that it’s because it’s over, it’s the same thing! Nothing ever happened between hyung and me. I’ve told you a million times.”
“It’s like a response to Still With You, Guk. And you said yours was about him. And how can I not be upset when he’s with you all the time and I barely see you? How can I not be insecure when every time you two post something together or whatever it blows up?” She snaps back.
“Because I love you! Fuck, Nina, I honestly don’t know what else to say, here. I feel like there are three people in this relationship but one of them is a ghost that only you can see.” He sounds defeated, and he is. He walks past her to where his still-packed suitcase is and gets some clothes on before he closes it.
“What are you doing?” She asks when Jeongguk gets his stuff.
“I’m going,” is all he says as the tears fall down. “I don’t think I can be here right now, and you clearly don’t want me to be, so.”
“Wait, I didn’t say that—˝
“You didn’t say that but you’re accusing me of being a liar or too stupid to realize something,” he cuts her off. “I need some space and it looks like you do, too. Maybe we’ll both realize some things in the meantime.”
“Where are you gonna go?” She asks, running after him, stopping in front of the door to stop him, cheeks stained from her tears, his t-shirt still on her.
“I’ll figure it out,” Jeongguk’s smile is sad as he reaches over to brush the tears away, but it only makes her cry more. “Take care of yourself, alright?” He whispers before he bends down and presses one last kiss on her forehead.
And it’s like he’s ripping himself apart as he walks away from her, as he hears her sobbing through the door once he closes it.
Because the truth is, he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want space or time away. He just wished that she’d believe his words, that she’d trust him.
But apparently, that was too much to ask for.
The drive to the airport is uncomfortable, to say the least.
Namjoon came to pick him up from a park near Nina’s apartment and found him red-eyed and pretty much shattered.
There was no reason for him to stay in California any longer because he knew going back to his parents wouldn’t help either. He needed space in general, so going back to Seoul was the best option.
He decided to listen to Taehyung’s song on the way and it made him sigh. It’s a good song. A really good song that he doesn’t want to hate because it might’ve cost him his relationship because, deep down, he knows it’s not at fault.
He knows Taehyung enough after all these years to know that he gets easily inspired, that rainy days usually mean an excuse for him to call up past lovers for a no-strings-attached moment to avoid feeling lonely. He knows this, which is why the lyrics don’t feel that rare or that accusatory.
It pisses him off.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Namjoon asks again, not being pushy because he knows how to respect Jeongguk’s boundaries but being worried about their vacations being cut short.
“I’m sure, hyung,” is all Jeongguk says, leaning his head against the window of the car. He texted his parents telling them that something came up at work and he had to get back straight away so he wouldn’t be able to visit before going back home. They probably believed him because that’s how it is most of the time, his schedules too hectic and everchanging that he hardly ever stays for too long.
Only, this time, it was something else entirely.
“I’m sorry, by the way. You can stay if you want after you drop me off. Someone else from the company can come pick me up at the airport—˝
“I’m going with you.” Namjoon’s tone is final, which makes Jeongguk feel worse. They were both supposed to spend a few days with their loved ones, and now… “It’s okay, Guk, really.”
Although it’s meant to be comforting, it does nothing but. And Jeongguk cannot wait to be stuck in the airplane for hours, unable to sleep because he’s not tired and will probably end up spiraling or spending the entire flight crying.
Another text lights up his screen and he feels a sharp stab in his heart when he sees who’s it from.
taetaehyung:
what do you mean??????
are you okay?
Jeongguk had told him that he was flying home early, just in case he saw his pictures when he lands tomorrow and worries.
Jeongguk doesn’t really want to talk about it with him either, so he puts his phone on airplane mode even though they’re still barely in L.A.X and turns the radio up, hoping that the upbeat sound of pop music makes him forget that his heart is breaking more and more each mile they drive away from the city.
At least, he knows that he’s not at fault, here.
He’ll try to remember that.
He’s glad that at least nobody is expecting him today at the airport and the check-in and everything goes smoothly. They got their tickets last minute but Jeongguk took care of that, obviously.
As soon as he boards the plane, he puts his headphones on and tries to find a movie or something that will keep him entertained and his brain busy.
If he cries during takeoff, he’ll blame it on his fear and not his heartbreak.
As if the universe wanted to play a sick joke on him, rain welcomes him back to Seoul. And to make matters worse, it makes the landing a bit bumpy which is just great.
There are a few reporters and fans waiting for him at the airport and Jeongguk is glad that he’s wearing a hat and a mask so that he doesn’t have to pretend to smile because he feels like it’d be too obvious that it’s fake. He still bows and thanks them as Namjoon and the other security guards from the airport clear the way to his car, rushing inside not to get wet under the heavy downpour.
Namjoon asks Jeongguk where he wants to go, and Jeongguk thinks it’s funny that his manager even considers that he wants to go anywhere else that isn’t his apartment, so that’s where they’re headed as Jeongguk finally switches off the airplane mode on his phone and gets a flood of notifications: texts, missed calls and alerts from his social media. He doesn’t feel strong enough to check most of those so he just lets his parents know that he landed well and locks his phone again, looking through the window at the gloomy scene his eyes meet. The city looks as sad as Jeongguk feels right now, and for once he understands why Taehyung seems to dislike rainy days so much, why they make him feel lonely.
“Take it easy, okay? And call if you need anything. Your schedule is still clear because you’re supposed to be on holiday, but I know you,” Namjoon offers him a kind smile as they get to Jeongguk’s building. “So, if you want to go to the company, just give me a heads-up, okay?”
“Not sure if I will,” Jeongguk admits as he gathers his things. “Sorry again for ruining your holidays, hyung.”
“You didn’t,” Namjoon reminds him. “Go on, get inside, and try to rest a bit, alright?”
Jeongguk nods and gets out, getting his luggage out of the trunk, and rushes into the building. And, as he rides the elevator up to his apartment, it seems to hit him. Now that he’s by himself, completely alone, it dawns on him that his relationship might be over for real.
Logically, he knows that it was him that asked for space, and that technically, space doesn’t truly mean it’s over, but he feels it in his bones.
He feels like, although they’ve tried not to, this relationship has been dying for a while now, and has been getting colder and colder as the months dragged, and as distance settled between them.
His apartment feels emptier than usual, even if it’s always been, and unpacking the clothes he never got to wear in the first place feels all kinds of wrong, but he does it.
And, after that, he lowers all his blinds so that he can drown in total darkness and gets in bed while the rain keeps tapping on his window, like a constant reminder.