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I remember said something along the lines of, “I’m not a fan of rain, but I do like how it sounds and the atmosphere it brings.”
I’m not lying about that. Just, didn’t say how rain always brings the other side of him.
The other side of the man who I love. The owner of a blinding smile who can put the sunshine to shame but can be calming like how the sunset paints the sea glowing pink.
Like right now. We tried to go through the night with the rain showering outside and I tried to concentrate on the steering wheel with eyes on the road ahead, but I couldn't help taking a glance at him. He plucks his guitar’s strings. Just untitled sad mellow notes floating in the air while facing the window seat.
My channels’ subscribers and his fans always said that he and I shared one brain cell. I’ll say that’s not wrong but isn’t always true either. Agreeable point of view from anybody who knows us just from the camera. From a ten minute long video with heavy editing.
“What’s on your mind?” I finally asked. Because really, sometimes I can’t tell what it is inside his head. Moreover when he was in ‘Raining Mode’ like now.
“Hmmm…” He’s like trying to arrange a sentence inside his brain. On how to make sense of his jumbled head in words. He is still facing the window.
I took a glance once more.
The silence appeared. Without thinking I stroked his shoulder gently with one of my hands still on the steering wheel. It make him went back to reality for a bit. Now he is facing the front window and his hand stops plucking his beloved guitar.
“Do you think we can see a rainbow appear after the rain?”
I know his head is sometimes unpredictable, but really he never stops to amaze me.
“Hmmm… I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
“Pollution,” I take a moment to turn the steering wheel, bring our car to the street that leads to the station, “light pollution.” I added.
He is pouting now because of my answer. His hand back to plucking the string.
“Too realistic. Zero romance.”
Here we go again.
“That’s just my opinion,” I thought quickly, “do you want to see the rainbow?”
He didn’t answer even though his pout was slightly smaller. God, he is a freaking 35 years old man, why can he be this cute.
“Isn’t the phrase something like, ‘rainbow after the rain, in the end everything will be fine’?”
I hold my laugh with all of my might. I know he will be more sulky if I laugh.
“Well, maybe the phrase happened in the daylight? Not night time like this?” And this answer finally erased his pout.
The silence came back but not that long. The rain is just drizzling now.
“Will you miss me?”
Those out of the blue questions make my breath hitched.
“What are you talking about?” I hear myself sulking now.
I don’t need this kind of conversation while driving him to go. Really.
"Will you miss me?"
He thinks maybe if he asked it in English it would make a difference?
I grabbed the steering wheel tightly. Every breath I take, I feel the air come in through the nose, to my lungs, to my entire body. I command my eyes to not let a single tear fall.
“Please, just… Don’t?” My voice restrained.
That silences him. He took one of my hands and kissed it gently. We intertwined our fingers. I felt how his thumb stroked my back hand slowly as I saw the station building in the distance.
I let go of his hand just because I had to park the car.
There must be a video on how to park a car with one hand on the internet. I’m sure of it.
Without a word he put back the guitar on its case when I turned back on my camera. I left it lying on the dashboard after I recorded the start of our trip in the car. I don’t want my precious little time with him distracted by the camera, but I still think it will be good to show how we arrive safely.
As the camera back on, I see him glancing around to the back seat, like searching for something.
“Where you put the umbrelー”
I stopped his question with my lips. Just a peck and a giggle. I don’t want to say goodbye to him in this heavy atmosphere.
“On the glovebox.” I said.
When I realized it, both his hands were already on my face. His eyes on mine before he kissed me hard. The camera falls between my legs and I don’t care. I round my hands on his neck, stroke his hair and I still want to kiss him when we are apart just because we need to breathe.
I can feel my breath raging as he looks at me with his thumb on my cheek and saying, “ Don’t cry.”
I really want to bite back by saying that he is the one who appears almost crying with those red eyes. Then I realized, I look like that too. So I just nodded slowly.
I take the luggage from the trunk. Umbrella in other hand and camera ready on my small bag. He opens his door when I approach him.
We walk together with umbrella on top of our heads.
We just sat in the waiting room after he checked his ticket and I got my shots for the vlog at the station entrance. There are still thirty minutes before his train arrives.
We share a comfortable silence when he puts his head on my shoulder and I bring my arm around him. I feel relieved when some people who recognize him are pleased with just some selfies with him and they just leave us alone. In times like this I thanked God how he is not an idol singer with fans linger on his every trail, but just a simple soloist who finally blew up after winning an award.
Suddenly I heard a familiar voice greet us, taking my mind back on earth. I saw where the voice came from. A man with a coffee bag in his hand approached us.
Some small talk, and that man handing me a cup of vanilla latte, “Don’t be that sad. It’s just two weeks. How about you come to us later and make a travel vlog?”
“Shindong hyung, it’s not two weeks, but a month.” I know that just words of comfort, so I smile as I take the paper cup.
“What?” Predictable reaction. Hyung is not my manager, it’s only natural he doesn’t know my work schedule.
“Hyukkie get awards overseas,” My man said before he sipped his coffee, “He'll go when we’re in the middle of touring.”
The manager finally sat down on the chair in front of us and exhaled, “I’m sorry we ruined your honeymoon.”
I raised my eyebrows and laughed with my husband.
“Well, every job has its risks, I guess.” I try to warm the mood and sip my drink, but my husband takes my hand again while smiling at me. I just return the gesture sincerely.
Thirty minutes goes by as we talk about the awards from how I raise our country's tourism through my vlog. And talk about my husband's solo tour around the country. And my 10,15 million subs target after I finally reached the 4,04 million last night. And about how our house is still full of boxes because both of us are as busy as ever after the wedding.
My camera is back on again. I know what shots I want to take, but I can’t focus. As I walk to the platform, my surroundings feel blurry and I can’t hear anything. It almost feels like walking underwater. His manager was kind enough to give us some space alone. He told us he’ll bring the luggage first and find my husband’s seat.
“Eat well. Eat real food, no, ramen is not real food,” He eyed me while his hands grabbed my camera-free hand.
My throat feels closed and I can’t answer him. Maybe I should just throw this camera back in my bag. I really want to give him a big hug with two hands.
“And answer my video call.” He thumbed away tears on my cheeks.
I could only nod weakly before he pulled me on his hug. Camera back on my bag unceremoniously and I don’t care whether it’s still recording or not. I can edit it later.
He is three centimeters shorter than me, but everytime his hand strokes my back gently, I feel engulfed in warmth from a big man who always boosts me up.
I feel how he pats my back and gently makes a distance. Kiss me tenderly on my temple and his fingers try to wipe away my tears again.
“Tell me on kakao when you arrive at home,” he added with bloodshot eyes. He won this time to hold his tears. I give him that.
He already stepped away from me when I stopped him with my hoarse voice, “Hae…”
He turned around with raised eyebrows as if asking without sounds, “What?”
“Don’t cry on the train, you’ll disturb other passengers.”
And he laughed. He makes big steps to me and pecks my lips before running to his train, “Relax babe, I can afford the VIP compartment now.” He said from the train’s door. His blinding smile plastered on his gorgeous face.
We heard the whistle and the door closed shut. I waved my hand back to him, until I couldn't see him any longer.
My head is still empty when my hand moves on reflex to take the camera and shots how the train slowly disappears in the distance.
I could feel my body again when I realized that I’m standing at the station’s entrance once again. I looked up to the sky outside to see if the clouds were still drizzle it’s droplets or not, but what I saw was just the yellow dim from street lamps’ trying to fight the night’s darkness.
The rain stopped. With a rainbow nowhere to be seen.
“Pollution.” I mumbled to no one as I walked away from the scene.
.
.