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When my entire life has been built up by lies, perhaps there is a place left yet for truth.
Dedicated to Kendall, Carlos & Logan,
A million apologies would not suffice.
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Anna Mitchell was dressed in a simple black dress. She stood silently in the back of the church taking in sight of the guests before her. Her mother was there in the first row with her uncle Kendall. He looked composed there, like always – offering up all of the right words. To their right, her uncle Carlos was crying and his wife Jennifer was right beside him holding his hand. Even Gustavo Rocque, who had never bothered to trek all the way to her family home in New York, attended with Kelly Wainright in tow.
Though the service was private, the given crowd drew in unwanted spectators lurking just outside the church doors. The event was going to be on the front page of news magazines all around the country.
For all intents and purposes, Logan Mitchell would be mourned worldwide.
Her father had done many things in his lifetime. But the one thing that would overshadow the remainder of his life was the one thing he’d wanted to escape most. Big Time Rush was a household name, a musical legend. It was her father’s claim to fame despite the years upon years he devoted to medicine after its’ end.
It was a strange feeling for Anna, being so closely connected to a cultural phenomenon and understand so little about the enthrallment. She’d sometimes catch her father’s image dancing on television or hear his voice over the intercoms of the most random places and she could never quite make the connection between the pop star icon and the man that she knew as her father.
Rather, Big Time Rush was regarded in her home as a period in her father’s life that never existed. Her mother and father never spoke about his boyband past and evaded questions ingeniously when she had been young and curious.
She’d pestered Kendall relentlessly over the years. “I remember one time…” He’d start, and then often immediately stop. He’d shake his head and stare at the ground, torn between continuing and withholding the distant memory. “You have to understand, it was a long time ago.” He’d explain, as if it pained him to remember.
It was Carlos who would sometimes indulge her. He’d smile, eyes shining bright and youthful as memories flooded back to him. He’d recall ridiculous plots and schemes during their time at the Palmwoods. Often, Anna would have trouble imagining the zany details. It amused her to no end hearing of her father being young and reckless.
Anna felt a knot in her throat when her eyes landed on the casket – closed, per her mother’s request – and it felt as if all of the air got sucked out of the room. It was a dizzying experience and she felt herself lose control of her emotions. Her eyes burned from holding back the sudden tears. She was crying again, and no matter how much she blinked her vision never quite cleared.
Anna ducked into the empty corridor and frantically wiped away her tears. She couldn’t comprehend the calmness of those around her. She couldn’t understand how everyone seemingly regarded the unfortunate reunion with such acceptance. Her father had been young - too young – and he had spent the last of his days keeping his illness hidden from Anna. She hadn’t seen him since Christmas. Not since he kissed her forehead and closed the taxicab door behind her as she headed to JFK.
She wondered if the signs were there. If she had paid closer attention, would she have noticed the changes? Were there any signs that he was slowly succumbing to the disease she had so selfishly ignored? Guilt ate away at her insides.
She knew that no one faulted her but it did not hurt any less. For weeks her father lied in a hospital bed while she lived on the other side of the country so wrapped up in her career that she could not manage more than the weekly phone call.
But he had been so supportive of her writing. She was 23 with a best seller already on her resume. For months she threw herself into writing her second novel. The deadline seemed so insignificant in the moment; she was ready to return the advance.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” The voice startled her. She sniffled in panic and quickly composed herself. She turned, lifting her tired, dull eyes to his piercing hazel ones. She smiled politely but could not find the words to reply. She flustered for a name and quickly came to realize they’ve never before met.
He had dark brown hair that looked messy in an effortless appeal. His hands were in the pockets of his leather jacket. He looked out of place standing there, dark-washed jeans and combat boots standing out amidst the crowd. He seemed wary, bouncing on the heels of his feet, unsure of what to say.
Anna opened her mouth only to close it. He dug into his pocket and handed over a bandana. Anna took it reluctantly and began to wipe away the run of her mascara. He gave her a tight smile before backing away. He nodded in greeting as he exited the church without so much as an introduction.
Curious, she followed him outside. The attack was immediate. Microphones were shoved in her face as the press shouted her name. She tried to ignore the tasteless questions coming from every direction.
One question stopped her in her track.
“Anna Mitchell, were you aware of the sexual relationship between your father and James Diamond?”
“What?” She froze, completely appalled.
The reporters were ruthless, pushing past the guards as copies of a book were shoved in her hand.
“Mrs. Mitchell! Mrs. Mitchell!” They shouted.
Anna turned as the press crowded in on her mother. There, on the top of those church steps, with Kendall Knight and Carlos Garcia by her side, Rebecca Mitchell broke down in tears.
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If someone were to tell me years ago that I’d be writing a memoir I would have imagined it would be at the end of a successful career in music, living in my five mansions and happily married to Nicole Scherzinger. I would have picked an able ghostwriter to detail my journey, from my humble beginnings in a small town of Minnesota to the heart-wrenching struggle that shot me into international pop stardom.
Except none of that happened.
In fact, none of that even matters. My life has long since deterred from those dreams. Keeping a journal was a required part of therapy at the Betty Ford Clinic and, by the time I left, it was the only habit that I couldn’t break. I had intended to recount my history to leave a legacy for my future but somehow it became the only way I could comprehend my past.
This memoir has been a refuge. For the first time in my life I’ve found a way to be completely, unabashedly honest. I’ve never been one for self-reflections but layering my entire history through words has made it easier to remember. Along the way I’ve learned to accept the truths I’d been so conditioned to deny.
I am in love with Logan Mitchell.
And it is the beginning and end of everything.1
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Every line was a startling revelation Anna could not wrap her mind around. She had only met James Diamond once in her life. She had been six at the time. She remembered the excitement she felt and the resulting disappointment when he had left quickly as he came. It was his first and only visit.
So imagine her surprise when James Diamond’s memoir is published the day of her father’s funeral, publically confessing his love for Logan Mitchell and revealing the subsequent affair they carried through the years.
Had the book not been published postmortem, Anna would have killed him herself.
Anna shook her head with a ferocity that sent brown locks falling out of her chignon. She threw the book down with a force that alarmed those around her.
“Anna?” Kelly stepped out from her office at Rocque Records, motioning for Anna to come in.
Anna gathered her things before following Kelly. She sat down across from her and threw the book onto Kelly’s desk with a thud. Kelly took a moment, eyeing the book carefully. “Maybe it’s best if you not read that.”
“It’s all lies, Kelly. My dad was not gay.” Anna had been uneasy with the idea for days, questioning every thing she remembered about James and her dad. She knew Logan, Kendall and Carlos had stopped talking to James long before his passing. The memoir was baseless and she knew she couldn’t allow her father’s image to be tarnished like this.
“How is your mother doing?” Kelly diverted.
She shook her head and looked away, frustration mounting heavy on her heart. “She refuses to say anything at all. What with adjusting to an empty house with dad’s passing and now this? She doesn’t deserve this, Kelly.”
“I know.” Kelly sympathized. “The timing is unfortunate but you’ve got to hold your head up. The rumors will go away.”
Anna closed her eyes, taking a shuddered breath. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”
Kelly nodded. There was something about Kelly that always brought Anna great comfort, a sense of familiarity that made her feel like family. “It will get better with time. When you moved to L.A. I promised your dad that I’d take care of you. If you need anything, you know I’m here.”
Anna swallowed and nodded slowly, “Actually, I do need a favor. Do you know anything about Henry Diamond?”
Kelly leant back in her seat, caught off guard by the request. She raised an eyebrow, wary of the mention of the name. “How do you know about Henry?”
“Wikipedia.” Anna guiltily admitted.
“Anna, you know-“
“Kelly, I need to know who published this memoir.” Anna didn’t mean to raise her voice, but everything felt so unfair at the moment that she couldn’t control it. “James Diamond does not get to make vicious claims about my father and get away with it. No one will tell me anything and I need to know what kind of monster would publish this nonsense.”
Kelly took a deep breath and carefully chose her next words. It angered Anna the measure everyone took to avoid talking about James Diamond. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. It’s just that I don’t know much. They all went their separate ways when the band ended and well, you know that we all lost contact with James. To tell you the truth I’ve never even met Henry. His father didn’t really…” Kelly trailed off, sadness in her voice. “No one really knows much about him.”
Anna couldn’t say much more without losing control of her emotions. Kelly’s words had felt like a dead end. Her eyes were stinging and she really hated the desperate plea. “I just need something. Anything. Please, Kelly.”
Kelly appeared torn, hesitating before folding. “I think I have an address. It’s where we send his father’s residuals.”
She turned to her computer and searched Rocque Record’s database. Scribbling the address down, she handed the paper to Anna.
The piece of paper felt like the first answer to a string of unsolved mystery. For the first time since her father’s passing Anna felt a purpose. She folded the paper neatly and smiled at Kelly. “Thank you.” She breathed.
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It was a relationship shrouded in secrecy. No one knew, not even our closets friends.
I knew instinctively that what we did was wrong. We were at the height of Big Time Rush and our wholesome image could not survive the scandal. So we settled for the stolen moments and I was convinced it was nothing more than casual.
I slept with Logan because I could. I did it because I was James Diamond and the appeal of the convenience outweighed every doubt I should have had. Unlike Carlos, who loved too easy, and Kendall, who loved too deeply, Logan was the only one I could count on to not get attached.
I never realized how much that would come to kill me.
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Anna followed the directions on her phone to the apartment. Her body felt like a bundle of anxiety and nerves. In a few moments she would meet the man who had tainted the memory of her family with the malicious memoir. The thought made her shake with anger. She eyed the shoddy aluminum mailbox and ringed the buzzer next to ‘Diamond’.
“Anna?” She turned around just in time to see the man climb the steps to the apartment entrance, keys twirling in his hand. His face twisted into an amused smile that made Anna fluster.
“You.” Anna pointed, unable to hide her shock. She wouldn’t forget the face of the mysterious stranger from her father’s funeral. “Wait, how do you know my name?”
“Why don’t you come inside.” He suggested, opening the door and holding it open.
Anna eyed him up and down. It disturbed her how perfect he looked. His hair, his eyes, even the crooked, inviting smile that should make her nervous was perfect. “Who are you?” She asked.
“I’m Henry.” He sent her a brittle smile. “Henry Diamond.” Anna tried to hold her composure but it was crumbling quickly. Her anger had all been drowned out by the overwhelming sense of confusion. For whatever reason, Henry intimidated her, and she was torn between running away and giving him her well-prepared rage. He waited in the doorway as she made up her mind.
Anna folded her arms and the weight of the book weighed heavy in the bag on her shoulder. She thought of the fallout of the memoir and the destruction of her father’s reputation. She thought of Henry’s appearance at the funeral and the mockery he must have made of her family. She pulled herself together quickly and plastered a fake smile on her lips. Taking his lead, she followed him in.
She followed him down the hallway until he reached his apartment. It was a small space although neat and respectably tidy. Her eyes were drawn to the line of guitars tucked in the corner.
“You play?” He asked, setting his stuff aside.
She shook her head slowly. “Look, I want to know why-“
“Would you like anything to drink?” He interrupted, opening the refrigerator and peaking his head inside, “I’ve got beer and well…. milk.” He mused regretfully.
“No.” Anna remarked, a bit temperamental. She grabbed the memoir from her bag and tossed the book onto the small kitchen table between them. “I’m sure you know why I’m here.”
“You’ve read it?” Henry eyed the book cautiously, slowly closing the fridge behind him.
“Who hasn’t?” Anna scoffed, “If you haven’t noticed it’s all that anyone is talking about.”
“Do you believe what’s written?” Henry’s eyes bore into hers and Anna was taken back by the intensity.
“Not a single word.” She swallowed. “So I have to ask, why would you do such a thing?”
“Do what?” Henry leant against the counter and relaxed, feigning bewilderment.
“James Diamond has been dead for fifteen years.” Anna spat. “I want to know why you’d choose to publish this ridiculous memoir the day of my father’s funeral.”
Henry chuckled softly and Anna frowned at the ridicule. “If you think I have anything to do with that book, you’re sadly mistaken.”
“Please.” She mocked. She was confident in her theory and nothing could sway her. “You’re his son. Who else would have his memoir and hang onto it for fifteen years? I have to admit, your timing is impeccable.”
Henry frowned for a moment and shook his head. “You really don’t know anything about James Diamond, do you?”
“I know enough.” She replied, unable to hide the disdain in her voice. “I know that nothing written is true and that he was a pompous fame whore. I know my dad could not stand him.”
Henry clenched his jaw. “Are you sure about that?”
“Please, the whole world knows what kind of a person James Diamond was. The things he did…” She told him with a heated glare. “My parents have been happily married for 24 years. The things he made up in that book are completely untrue.”
He grinned at her but there was nothing confident about his smile. Henry took a deep breath before he shook his head. “James was a shit father. I never knew him, he never came around and I got nothing but rights to a handful of terrible songs after he died.”
The admission had surprised her and she could tell by the look in his eyes that it was a genuine confession. She felt the immediate guilt and every instinct in her body wanted to apologize.
“I didn’t publish that memoir. I had no idea it was even written.” Henry continued.
Anna bit her lip nervously but didn’t reply. The sadness in his tone had startled her and she had an insane urge to reach out and touch him, say anything that would make the tension disappear.
Blaming Henry suddenly felt pointless and the trip like wasted effort. There were so many questions Anna still had no answers to.
“What were you doing at my dad’s funeral?” She asked instead.
Henry seemed caught off guard by the question but he smiled nonetheless. “I was paying my respects.”
“Did you know my dad?” Anna pressed. Her father had never spoken of Henry and, until recently, Anna had been completely unaware of his existence.
“No.” He answered firmly.
Anna nodded. She grabbed the book back from the table and walked towards the door. Henry stood quietly and watched her go. She turned around with one hand on the door handle. “I’m sorry. I thought maybe you’d published the memoir.”
“It wasn’t me. You’re looking for the wrong person.” Henry reiterated. “Have you tried contacting the publishing company?”
“I did. The manuscript was sent in by someone who requested to remain anonymous.”
Henry nodded.
“Does it bother you?” Anna asked quietly, her voice uncertain. She didn’t know whether it was appropriate to ask but curiosity, as always, had gotten the better of her. She let go of the door and turned to him quickly. “The things James wrote, playing the victim, rewriting history. The things he wrote about my dad, all of those lies. Doesn’t it bother you that he-“
“What? That he was gay?” Henry asked before Anna found the words.
She slowly nodded.
“How are you so certain there’s no truth to his words?” Henry’s tone held a curious edge.
“Your father might have been gay but my dad certainly wasn’t.” Anna said simply. “He was a good dad, ok?”
Henry shrugged. “I’m not saying that I don’t believe you. But how are you so certain that there was nothing between them?”
“Because!” Anna exclaimed, annoyed with the question. “My parents loved each other. My dad’s never mentioned James once. Never. I grew up with Kendall and Carlos and neither of them will mention the name either. I know enough from the tabloids to know the shitty things that James did to sever his friendships. How could anything James wrote be remotely true?”
“I know you’re upset.” Henry reasoned. “But there’s a lot of details in that book that’s hard to ignore.”
“Fabricated from a delusional man who had hit rock bottom!” Anna shouted, persuaded by her conviction. “You must know the condition James was in at the end of his life, a washed up singer with no luck in acting who was only relevant for his stints in and out of rehab rather than any real work.”
Anna had expected him to react negatively but Henry simply smiled. He seemed amused by her remarks. He folded his arms and waited for her to continue.
“I’m going to find out who published this memoir and when I do there’ll be hell to pay.” She proclaimed with full confidence.
Henry nodded and he licked in lips in contemplation. “What are you planning to do, exactly?”
“I’ll get them to retract the authenticity of James’ memoir.” Anna announced, as if it was as simple as that. “I’m a writer. I’ll write my dad’s own biography.”
“And what if everything James wrote is accurate. What then?”
“It’s not.” She had enough of his persistence and no part of her even wanted to humor the possibility.
“What if it is though?” Henry pressed. “What if your dad hasn’t been telling you everything? Hear me out, who would actually know the truth?”
“Carlos would know.” Anna said softly. “And Kendall. If I asked, they would tell me that I’m right. That nothing went on between James and Logan."
“Have you?” Henry asked.
“Have I what?” Anna sighed.
“Asked.” He said simply.
Anna swallowed and shook her head. “No.”
“Why don’t we?” He suggested, delighted at the idea. “Let’s find out the truth. Get straight answers from those who would know.”
Anna just stared at him. She didn’t know whether or not he was serious. “That’s ridiculous. Kendall and Carlos live in Minnesota.”
“My car’s outside. I’ll drive.” Henry shrugged as if it was no big deal. “I’m a struggling musician with nowhere I need to be.”
“You’re crazy.”
Henry laughed. “Come on. What’s stopping you?”
“I have a job?” Anna stared at him in disbelief.
“You’re a writer.” He retorted. “Do you really need to stay in one place for that?”
She rolled her eyes. “No, but –“
“Live a little.”
“I have to be in New York by Friday for the reading of my dad’s will.” She added hurriedly, in defense. “My flight actually leaves tonight.”
“I’ll get you there.” Henry grinned. “Promise. If you’re alright with a little road trip, I promise to get you there on time.”
Anna narrowed her eyes, speechless at the insane suggestion.
“Come on,” Henry teased. “Don’t you want to put the rumors to rest?”
After a moment of hesitation Anna asked, curious. “What’s in it for you?”
“I want to know the truth.” He shrugged. Anna could not decide if she believed him. Sensing her hesitation, he continued. “It’s my dad too.”
Anna said nothing. She weighed out the invitation in her mind.
“Are you packed?” He asked.
“My suitcase is in the car.” She replied on impulse.
“Great.” Henry grinned. He pulled out a duffel bag from the closet and began to pack.
Anna flustered in the doorway, taken by surprise with the sudden turn of events. “Wait, wait, we’re leaving now?”
Henry took off his t-shirt and stopped halfway, turning to her. “Anything stopping you?”
Anna shook her head, eyes drawn to the sudden reveal of his solid abs. Henry caught her gaze and smiled knowingly. She blushed and turned away. He turned slightly and finished changing shirts. Grabbing the duffel bag he moved towards her, stopping halfway. “So, where do we start?”
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Their first visit hadn’t been too far of a drive from Henry’s apartment. Camille Roberts lived and worked in West Hollywood. She owned a small acting studio where she spends most of her time. It wasn’t hard to search for the address once Anna had put her mind to it.
“So…” Henry sat in the driver’s seat. He turned to Anna and eyed the renovated warehouse. “Where are we?”
Anna pointed to the article open on her lap.
“This is the reason my dad stopped talking to James.” Anna smiled, eager to prove Henry wrong. “If anyone held onto James’ memoir for 15 years, it’s likely her.”
Camille Roberts remained a friend to James even after their marriage had dissolved. She is still more known for her short lived marriage to James than any acting role she had acquired through the years.
Anna got out of the car and waited for Henry to follow. The door to the studio was wide open and they entered. Camille looked as she did in the photos Anna had seen, right there next to James or her father in the articles she had read.
Camille was putting away a folded chair when she spotted them. She set the last chair down and walked over with an inviting smile, her bubbly personality bursting through. “Can I help you?”
“I’m Anna Mitchell.”
There was an awkward silence that followed them. Camille’s eyes widened and her smile immediately vanished. “I’m sorry to hear about your father.”
Anna said nothing.
Camille flustered nervously and then waved them in. “Come in, come in.”
Henry and Anna took the loveseat across from Camille’s chair. The set up looked as if it had been arranged for a scene there in the small studio. They remained silent as she looked between them, eyes lingering curiously on Henry. She turned her attention back to Anna. “What can I do for you?”
“Have you read James Diamond’s memoir?” Anna asked straightaway. She had no intention of small talk.
Camille took a deep breath and frowned. “I have.”
“You dated my dad and you married James. I know that they stopped talking because of you-“
“Wait,” Camille interjected, looking rather confused.
Anna carried on without stopping, “So how can anything written be true?”
“Anna,” Camille sighed. “My marriage to James was an honest mistake. I think you’ve overestimated my role in your dad’s life but I can assure you that I am not reason they stopped being friends.”
“Then what happened between them?” Henry spoke up for the first time.
“I’m sorry. You are…?” She asked.
“Henry Diamond.”
Silence feel over them and Camille shook her head, almost in disbelief. She cleared her throat and tried to compose herself.
“I’m sorry.” Camille apologized, voice breaking. “You look so much like him.”
Anna felt Henry shift uncomfortably beside her. It was clear that he hated the resemblance.
“Did James leave the memoir to you?” Anna pressed.
“No.” Camille answered quickly. “You guys have to understand we were married for less than a month and the marriage ended in an annulment. Nothing was left to me.”
“So you didn’t publish the memoir?” Anna asked again, a bit skeptical.
“No.” Camille answered honestly, turning to Henry. “I thought it might’ve been you.”
“It wasn’t.”
Camille nodded, thinking it over. “Have you asked your mom?”
Henry scoffed. “James hated my mother and I.”
Camille looked as if she wanted to deny Henry’s statement but she said nothing. “Look, there’s not much I can tell you except you shouldn’t hate James. Either of you. He’s not the bad guy.”
“What are you implying?” Anna asked curiously.
Camille’s eyes darkened, and she hesitated over her words. “What has your dad told you about James?”
“Nothing.” Anna’s response was curt. “Not just my dad. Kendall and Carlos have never talked about him either. They get this look on their faces, when I used to ask, like hearing James’ name upsets them. I learned to stop asking.”
“You have to understand that Big Time Rush ended.” Camille stressed, like it was something Anna and Henry couldn’t comprehend. “Carlos and Kendall returned to Minnesota and Logan went off to med school. It was a difficult time. James had no one.”
“He had you.” Anna spat. “I’ve read the tabloids. He had countless people before and after you too.”
“He didn’t have the only person who mattered to him.” Camille said simply, shaking her head. “Your dad…Kendall, Carlos. They didn’t hate James. And certainly not because of me.”
“What do you know about my dad and James?” Anna asked. Her heart raced as she waited for the answer.
“Nothing.” Camille answered honestly. “I don’t know if everything James wrote was true or not. He never…he never said as much when he was alive.”
Anna’s glare darkened.
Camille continued, “I think your dad may have not told you everything. Sure, he and Kendall stopped talking to James when he spiraled but Carlos stayed in contact until the very end. If you want to know the truth, I’m not the one to ask.”
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“Dude,” Carlos whined. “Let me in!” He pounded on the door and huffed.
“Carlos?” Camille approached with a key in hand. “What are you doing here?”
“Camille!” Carlos beamed, then frowned. “I’m worried about James. He’s not answering the door.”
“He’s probably just hung over and still sleeping.” She reasoned, inserting the key and opening the door. “Here, come in.”
“Why do you have a key to James’ condo?” Carlos asked as he followed her inside.
“I housesit for him when he’s in New York recording. How long are you here?” Camille asked.
“Just for a few days.” Carlos dropped his bag to the floor.
“Carlos?” James came into view, blanket wrapped around him, squinting as if he’d just woken up.
“I’m just checking in on you. But I actually have to go.” Camille interrupts. “James, are you still going to Las Vegas next weekend?”
“Yeah.” He yawned, “You’ll be there filming?”
“Yeah, I leave tomorrow. Carlos, have a good time in L.A.”
Carlos nods and smiles brightly. When the door closes behind her he turns his attention back to James, still scowling in his pajamas.
“Dude, it’s 4 in the afternoon.” Carlos points out.
“I had a rough night.” James shrugged, spreading himself across the couch.
Carlos moved to sit on the coffee table. “Yeah, we’ve noticed you’ve been having a lot of rough nights lately. Dude, is everything okay?”
“Who’s ‘we’?” James asked instead, perking his head in curiosity.
“Kendall wanted to visit you too. But you know his hockey schedule is crazy.”
James’ face falls and he burrows his head into the couch.
“James, is everything okay? I’ve read the paper. You’re close to getting dropped, dude.”
“The paper lies.”
“Yeah, well, Kendall talked to Gustavo.”
James sat up in a huff, rubbing at his forehead. “Of course he did.”
“Look, why don’t you come to Minnesota for a few days. You, me and Kendall can play some hockey and just relax. We can all go get fitted for tuxes when Logan comes back from New York and –“
“Stop.” James shouts, shocking Carlos. “Just stop. I don’t need you to come to L.A. and tell me to do, okay? Go back to Minnesota. Nobody asked you to come here.”
“Dude…” Carlos said quietly.
James shakes his head. “I’m going back to bed. You can let yourself out.”
And with that, the bedroom door slams behind him.
Carlos is frozen still, unsure of what to do. He sighs and gets up, a pile of mail falling to the ground as he does so. He bends over and picks it up, pulling the square white envelope to the front. He puts the rest of the mail back on the table and picks up his bag at the door.
“I guess I’ll see you at the wedding.” Carlos shouts, hoping James can hear him through the door.
He turns and leaves, placing Logan’s invitation on the foyer table.
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It was a twenty-seven hour trip from Los Angeles to Minneapolis. They made it halfway by 2 am, pulling into a roadside hotel in a small town outside of Denver. Henry paid for both rooms against Anna’s insistence that she cover her own expense. He smiled when she huffed in annoyance.
They parted to their own rooms and agreed to leave after a few hours of rest. By 10 am, they were back on the road.
The radio fizzled in and out through the unpopulated part of Nebraska. Henry fumbled through the channels, stopping on a variety station that played clearly.
Have you ever had the feeling you’re drawn to someone?
And there isn’t anything they could of said or done?
And everyday I see you on your own
And I can’t believe that you’re alone
But I overheard your girls and this is what they said
Anna laughed and turned to Henry, he shook his head in amusement. They shared a look, unspoken instructions followed by the power button.
“So how long have you been making music?” Anna asked as they drove through silence.
Henry smiled at her. “A long time.”
“You know, I can get you an appointment with Rocque Records if you want.” She offered.
He scoffed, “No, thanks.”
“Why not? You’re James Diamond’s son. They’ll sign you on the spot.” She said knowingly.
“That’s exactly why I don’t want to do it. I want nothing to do with him.” His tone was void of emotion and Anna dropped the subject.
Anna knew where Carlos lived from all the times she’d visited Minnesota with her parents. He lived in the same neighborhood as her grandparents before they retired to Arizona and just a few miles from Kendall’s lake house.
“This it?” Henry asked as he pulled into the driveway.
“Yup.” He followed her to the door.
“Anna!” Carlos grinned as he opened the door, both happy and surprised. “What are you doing here?”
“Surprise!” She laughed. Despite the circumstance, she’d always be happy to see Carlos.
“Anna?” Carlos opened the door a little wider and Kendall appeared from the hallway.
Their attention turned to Henry and Kendall’s face immediately fell. Carlos’ jaw dropped in realization.
“This is Henry.” Anna introduced. “James’ son.”
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We were both only children growing up but, in turn, it made us want different things. I reveled in the attention and Logan suffered the loneliness. It made sense that he would want a family. I always knew a part of him would settle down.
No matter how much distance I’d put between us I’ve always felt that we could find our way back to those years in Big Time Rush - the convenience of it and the teenage lust. That’s the dangerous thought that always lingers in the back of my mind. I never wanted to confront my feelings, always hanging on to the thought of ‘one day’.
When I heard about Rebecca, when I laughed off the engagement and even when I held the invitation in my hand a part of me was convinced that he’d still always be mine. I counted on the delusional certainty that he was Logan. He was persuasive and indecisive and never changing.
It wasn’t until I met Anna that I knew I’d lost him. He held his six-year-old girl in his arms and I could tell that he’d found his happiness.
And it was clear to me then. It was time to find mine.
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Like Camille, Kendall and Carlos could not stop staring at Henry. They looked at him with an intense sadness.
“You look just like your father.” Kendall muttered.
Henry’s jaw tightened and his lips thinned. He looked to Anna uncomfortably, begging for help.
“I sought out Henry because I wanted to know who published James’ memoir.” Anna said causing Kendall and Carlos to both frown.
“He had nothing to do with it.” She continued. “We were hoping you could tell us both what you know about my dad and James.”
They share a look and Kendall sighed. “Anna, have you talked to your mother?”
She shook her head. “She doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“We don’t know what to tell you.” Carlos shrugged. “The book is as shocking to us as it is to you.”
“Because it’s a lie, right?” Anna asked, hopeful though feeling less and less confident.
“No.” Kendall denies, then admits. “James was in love with your dad.”
She looked to Henry, who remained stoic, seemingly unaffected by what was obvious.
“But did they ever…” Anna trailed, unable to find the word.
“I really wanted to know you.” Carlos interrupts, speaking up for the first time, looking directly at Henry. “We tried looking for you after your dad passed. Your mom moved you around.”
“And why would you do that?” Henry asked.
“You’re James’ family.” Carlos said simply. “You’re our family.”
Henry scoffed. “He may have had part in making me but he is not my family.”
“He’s not a bad guy, Henry.” Kendall reasoned. “He didn’t know how to be a father. You came at a bad time in his life.”
“I thought you all hated James.” Anna muttered curiously.
Kendall and Carlos shook their head in unison. “You were young when he passed, Anna. I know you don’t know much about him but we don’t talk about James not because we hate him but because it has always been difficult.” Kendall turned to Carlos.
“He was our best friend.” Carlos said softly, voice slightly breaking.
“But all the stuff he did, marrying Camille, getting dropped by Gustavo, in and out of rehab.” Anna mentioned.
“We wanted to help him. We tried. It was his decision to cut us out.”
Anna tried to process the information, then remembered. “You never answered my question. Were my dad and James together?”
Kendall and Carlos shared a look and then hesitated. Kendall sighed, “I didn’t know until it was over. They were young. It wasn’t serious. Your dad married your mom and she made him happy.”
Everything inside of Anna stilled for a moment. “But James? Everything he wrote is true? My dad broke his heart?”
Kendall nodded.
She felt sick. “Did my mom know?”
“I don’t know, Anna. That’s a conversation I think you should be having with your mother.”
“I realize.” Anna said, scornfully. “Thanks.”
Kendall recoiled slightly at the harshness in her tone.
“Are you two staying here tonight?” Carlos asked. “I can have Jennifer make up the guest bedroom.”
Henry looked to Anna and sensed her discomfort. “No. We need to get going.”
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They drove in silence until Chicago. Henry parked the car and nudged Anna awake in the hotel parking lot. At nearly four in the morning, the lone employee informed them that there was only one room available. Anna nodded in acceptance, too tired to look for another hotel and Henry handed over his credit card.
She headed straight for the shower when they got to the room. He waited quietly, resting his head on the small desk in the corner waiting for her to finish. Anna stepped out of the bathroom and looked between Henry and the bed. She walked over and nudged him as he dozed off.
He jolted up and stuttered, “I didn’t know if you wanted…I mean, I can sleep on the ground, it’s no big deal.”
“It’s okay.” She shrugged. “It’s a big bed.”
They end up on opposite sides of the queen size bed, pulling the covers back slowly, awkwardly waiting for the other to climb in. They both settled on their backs staring blankly at the ceiling. The city lights bled through the blinds.
“I wish he was here.” Anna whispered. “I wish he could tell me himself.”
Henry turned his head and watched her. The tears on her cheeks startled him.
“I still can’t believe he’s gone.” Her chest constricted and it was difficult to breath. She was crying in front of this stranger, not for the first time, and she couldn’t bring herself to be embarrassed in front of him. Henry grabbed her hand in his and squeezed. He tugged gently and she folded into him. He ran his hand through her hair until her crying subsided, laying a chaste kiss to her forehead as she drifted off to sleep.
When Anna woke, she was alone in the bed. She had no time to panic as Henry entered seconds later with two coffees in hand. He smiled brightly at her.
“Sorry about last night.” She muttered nervously, “I didn’t mean to-“
“Don’t mention it.” He says instead. He hands her the coffee and for the first time since her father’s funeral, Anna feels at peace.
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Rebecca Mitchell stood in the doorway as they approached the house, looking more tired than she’s ever looked. “Welcome home, honey.” She pulled Anna into a tight hug before letting her go, turning to the gentlemen behind her.
“Henry.” Rebecca greeted.
Anna looked between them. “You’ve met?”
“I introduced myself at your father’s funeral.” Henry said hurriedly.
Her mother looked at him questioningly but let it drop.
“What are you the two of you doing together?” She asked instead.
“Mom,” Anna looked to Henry cautiously before turning to her mother. “What do you know about dad and James?”
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Rebecca had never really been a fan of Big Time Rush. While other girls swooned at his name and chased Logan through campus, Rebecca was enamored by his intellect. For months they had grown close, sharing research and putting in extra hours in the lab.
When he kissed her on their first date, she knew that she’d found the one. The relationship grew naturally and quickly. She met his band mates first – Kendall and Carlos, and swiftly after, his parents. Before they started dating she’d often see James on campus. It was hard not to notice when seemingly flocks of girls tried to follow him everywhere he went. But she had never had a proper introduction; never actually witnessed James and Logan interact until this moment.
He missed their engagement party with ‘prior engagements’, and upstaged their wedding by having his own plastered on tabloids worldwide. Each time, Logan made excuses for James. Logan had repeatedly reassured her than James was his best friend and that nothing she had read in the tabloids was a true reflection of James Diamond.
Two months into her marriage she wakes up in the middle of the night to find, in the cracked doorway, James Diamond in her apartment pressing her husband against the kitchen counter. He’s tonguing at Logan’s jaw and Rebecca has to cover her mouth to stop herself from making a sound. Her heart beats wildly out of her chest and she lies back down quickly, looking in on their intimate exchange.
Logan pushes James back and he fumbles slightly.
“Dude, what are you doing?” Logan whispers. His hands are clenched in fists.
James doesn’t reply, he grabs Logan by the hip and pulls him flush against himself.
Logan shoves him away repeatedly. “Stop.” He all but shouts. “James, stop.”
He kisses Logan then. It’s frantic and messy. For a split second Logan clutches onto James’ shirt and pulls, returning the kiss with equal fervor. He pushes back suddenly, pulling his hand back and decking James squarely on the jaw.
“Ow, what the hell Logan?”
“What are you doing?” Logan asks, throwing his hands up, truly appalled.
“You’ve been ignoring me for over a year.” Logan accused. “So in case you’ve forgotten drugged out in your coked up slumbers, I’m married. And you missed the wedding.”
“Congratulations.” James spits out bitterly.
“James,” Logan stresses his name, full of disappointment and contempt. “What are you doing here?”
He just shrugged. “I thought we could hook up.”
“I’m married.” Logan repeats.
“We’ve always been good at keeping secrets.”
There’s a pause and Logan sighs.
“I still want you.” James pushed.
“And how am I supposed to respond to that, James? You want everyone.”
“With you it’s different.” James was quick to reply. He was stubborn in his conviction.
“No, it’s really not.”
“Logan-“ He tried.
“Stop. The minute I want you back is the minute you stop wanting me. Dude. I know you.”
“No, I really-“
“It’s fleeting. It’s nothing. Ignore it and it will go away.”
“You think I haven’t tried? Logan,” James sighs, “Dude. I think I’m in love with you.”
Logan laughs. “You’re in love with the idea of me. You’re full of bad ideas.”
“Whoa. I take offense to that.”
“Of course you would.”
Silence falls over them.
“You know, Carlos keeps visiting no matter how many times I turn him away. And Kendall sends me these threatening emails. Even Katie showed up one weekend to check in. The only one absent is you. I’m beginning to think you’ve stopped caring.”
“Says the guy who skipped out on my wedding.” Logan rolled his eyes. “I graduated med school, James. I had a wedding to plan. Some of us have to be adults.”
“Is that what adults are supposed to do? Get married no matter how stupid of an idea it is?”
“I’m sorry about you and Camille. I was hoping it would work out for you.”
James face falls. “Did you really?”
“No. I didn’t.” Logan smiles. “But you deserve to be happy, James.”
“Does Rebecca make you happy?”
There’s a pause that Rebecca would rather forget. “Yes, she does.”
The front door slams and Rebecca flinches. She feigns sleep when Logan returns to bed.
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“Your dad and James were intimate before he met me.” Rebecca answered honestly.
“And you were okay with that?” Anna didn’t mean to sound so flippant.
“What could I have done, Anna? Everyone has a past.”
“I can’t believe this.” Anna shook her head. “Why have you never told me?”
“It’s not a conversation I ever wanted to have with you.” Rebecca said. “Logan was a great father. That’s all that mattered to me.”
“All this time I’ve been adamant that James is lying. Dad broke his heart.”
“It’s love, Anna.” Rebecca gave her a brittle smile. “Nobody is faultless.”
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“A divorce?” She screeched. The envelope in her hands was an unwelcomed surprise.
Logan shook nervously, stuttering out his words. “You can keep everything. Just, please, Rebecca. As long as you agree to share custody of Anna you can keep everything I own.”
“I don’t want your things!” She shouted.
Logan looked frightened, and she hated that more than anything. He had no right to be frightened. He had no right to feel anything. She wanted to unleash her anger without the guilt. He couldn’t even give her that. She wanted to yell and shout and demand answers. But the question was pointless.
“Does he know?” She asked instead.
“No.” Logan shook his head, eyeing the ground with much interest. “He had himself committed again this morning. There’s no outside contact for the next six weeks.”
“Fifth time is the charm?” She scoffed. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“This is really hard for me too, Rebecca.” He added. “But he needs me.”
“And I don’t? We have a six year old daughter, Logan.” Rebecca reminded him. “Just last week he visited for the first time and now he’s taking daddy away. How do I explain that to her?”
“Anna,” Logan pleaded.
“I will not let you drag my daughter into a public scandal.” She seethed. “I’ll sign the papers.”
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Anna shook her head continuously in disbelief. “Dad wanted a divorce?”
Rebecca nodded.
“How come I don’t remember this?” She asked, racking her brain for any trace of the memory.
“You were young.” Rebecca reasoned. “We stayed together and there was no reason to tell you.”
“What happened?” Henry asked. “What made Logan change his mind?”
Rebecca swallowed, “Your father died.”
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Anna was speechless.
“Did James know?” She asked quietly. “Did he know that Dad was leaving you?”
“No.”
“How did-” Henry started.
“Logan was devastated. He moved back to Minnesota and back in with his parents. We were all worried about him but I was the only one who knew.”
“I quit my job at the time and took Anna back to Minnesota with me. It took three months to convince your father to come back home.” Rebecca revealed.
“How could you take him back knowing he was leaving you?” Anna asked with tears in her eyes.
“I did it mostly for you.” Rebecca confessed, “But I also loved him deeply. And in that moment he needed the both of us.”
“Your dad was never the same.” She continued. “When James died, his will left a manuscript to Logan.”
“James’ memoir?” Anna asked.
Rebecca nodded. “It was a lot of guilt for your dad to live with. He couldn’t talk about James and he knew that if the memoir was released he’d have to relive the pain. Anna, your dad is the one who published the memoir.”
Anna felt ill. She’d been looking so desperately for someone to blame and her father had been the culprit.
“Does it bother you,” Henry began, “being married to a man who was in love with someone else?”
“No.” Rebecca smiled, eyes brimming with tears. “When I came to accept it, I was fascinated with their story. I learned to love Logan even more for his honesty. I always knew there’d be a day I’d have to return him to James.”
She wiped away her tears. “It’s late. You two should go to bed. The reading of Logan’s will is tomorrow morning.”
She bid them goodnight and retired to her room.
Anna couldn’t bring herself to move.
“You okay?” Henry moved to sit beside her; he pulled her hands in his.
Anna shook her head and relaxed into him. “I can’t believe how wrong I was.” She laughed bitterly. “I feel like my whole life has been a lie.”
“Don’t.” He commanded.
She studied him for a moment, and then nodded. “Let’s go to bed.”
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Henry came with her to the attorney’s office without being asked and Anna was appreciative of the company.
“Thanks for coming.” The lawyer greeted. They both took a seat at his desk. “Ms. Mitchell?”
“Yes.” Anna answered.
He turned his gaze to Henry. “Mr. Diamond?”
Henry nodded, looking uneasy.
“Great. Both parties are here. Let’s get started.”
Anna’s eyes widened in confusion. “Wait, what?”
“To Henry Diamond, Mr. Mitchell has left you all rights to James Diamond’s memoir and his share of rights to Big Time Rush.”
“What?” Anna asked again, stunned.
Henry looked at her nervously.
“Ms. Mitchell will be receiving everything else. If you two would just sign your respective documents laid out in front of you there...”
Anna signed as quickly as she could and fled the room.
“Anna!” Henry chased after her.
She didn’t stop until she reached the street. She turned and glared at him. “You told me you’ve never met my dad.”
Henry swallowed. “He requested that I see him before he passed.”
“What did he have to tell you?” Anna asked, already knowing the answer.
“He told me about the memoir, about his relationship with James.” Henry revealed.
“So you knew?” Anna laughed. She shook her head. She couldn’t believe how dumb she was. “You knew all this time the memoir was true and that my dad published it and you didn’t tell me?”
Henry didn’t answer.
“You knew you had to be in New York today for his will. You’ve been playing me the whole time.”
“Anna-“
“Why?” She shouted.
“I wanted to know my father.” He confessed. “I wanted to meet Kendall and Carlos. I wanted to hear stories from the people who knew him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
She shakes her head and flags down a taxi.
“Anna!” He holds onto the door as she opens it. “Please, just let me explain.”
“No. I don’t trust you. I can’t trust anyone. I’m flying home.” She slams the door and the taxi drives off leaving Henry devastated.
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I believed Logan could’ve saved me had he just told me he loved me. But that was the selfish part of me living in denial. I blamed Logan to romanticize my own my failures.
We all fall apart, no matter who loves us.
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Anna felt the wind pick up around her. The leaves had begun to fall and she hugged the knit cardigan closer to her body. She wasn’t sure what had led her to these steps. At first, she had been furious. Her life had been turned upside down and to deal with her feelings for Henry on top of reeling from her father’s betrayal had been exhaustion to near insanity.
The betrayal she felt from Henry had taken a huge piece out of her heart.
It had been weeks since she’s seen him. A part of her had been certain her life would work itself out. She’d hoped returning to L.A. would return her to a steady routine but it had been impossible to return to her life before Henry. Every time she sat down and began to write all that she could think about was James and her father. The mistakes they made and the pain they had to live through haunted her every time she glanced at James’ memoir.
In New York, she had been too furious to really feel sad but here in L.A., when the truth had finally settled, the pain had started to creep in. In New York, she could feel herself falling in love like she never had before. Now, she wasn’t sure how she felt about Henry. She just knew that she missed him.
She heard the footsteps before she saw him. Everything inside of her went still for a moment as she watched him come closer. He hadn’t spotted her yet. He was walking towards the entrance, fiddling with his phone, and looking as sad as she’d felt.
“Hey.” The greeting slipped past her lips before she could stop herself.
He stopped abruptly before her, lifting his gaze slowly. He shifted nervously on his feet and it reminded her of the first time she’d seen him. This time, it was Henry who struggled for words. He pockets the phone and keeps his hands in his pockets. He opened his mouth only to close it, caught between confusion and surprise. She herself could not explain how she ended up waiting on his doorstep. She scooted over nonetheless and he slowly sat down beside her. The distance between them seemed impossible but she was not ready to move any closer.
“What are you doing here?” He finally asked.
She mulls the question over for a moment and answered honestly, “I have no idea.”
They’re quiet for a moment and the silence is deafening.
“I thought going on that trip with you, uncovering the truth about my father for myself, would bring me some sort clarity.” She confessed. “Closure.”
He removed his hands out of his pockets and placed them on the cement step, leaning forward just an inch. Anna couldn’t look away. “Did it?”
She shrugged. “Turns out I really never knew my father.”
Henry smiled weakly, “Join the club.”
She felt an insane urge to move closer, to hold his hands in hers and rest her head on his shoulder.
“I don’t want to be like them.” She said instead. “I don’t want to wait until it’s too late.”
He smiled and kissed her. It’s short and sweet and enough.
Their fingers intertwine and neither can help but grin at the unexpected outcome.
“What now?” Henry asked.
“Now,” Anna laughed, looking at her watch. “Now, I have to get back to work.”
“Are you still writing Logan’s biography?”
She shakes her head. “I’ve always been more of a fiction writer.”
“Meaning?” He pressed.
“I’ll give them a better ending.”
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END