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Is it wrong to miss someone who isn’t really dead but has just…moved on from you? Forgotten about you? Forgotten about the past they’ve shared with you and the memories they’ve made with you? Is it really wrong to miss someone who isn’t gone from this world, but has left your life? Perhaps it is, or perhaps it is not. But, when one’s heart is grieving, whether its for someone dead or someone alive, it grieves anyway. Because the heart, it can feel emotions to depths nothing else can, it feels and it yearns and it hurts whenever it feels it must. And when a person forcefully shuts their heart up and locks it behind walls of concrete to hide it, to protect it from breaking apart, when they force it to stop feeling, the heart does as it forced to do. With enough pressure it cracks like the shards of glass and spills its contents for the world to see.
The heart has hidden itself enough and now it is engulfed in flames of the emotions it forced itself to bury deep within. And as the heart burns, the person burns with it.
-
I don’t know what to do without you
I don’t know where to put my hands
I’ve been trying to lay my head down
But I’m writing this at 3 a.m.
-
Wake up, brush your teeth and shower (on some days even that seems too much to do), eat a bite or two or sit there at the lone dining table staring at the plate of food in contemplation before shoving it away and leaving. Get dressed, brush your hair, stare at your reflection as you hold back the urge to claw at your own reflection and tear it apart. Press your hand to your face and pull your mouth into a grin because that’s the only way to evade questions of “Are you okay? Or “Did you get enough sleep?” and other such invasive questions from strangers who only stay in your life briefly before leaving, because that’s what everyone does, they leave.
Kaeya’s father left, his mother never wanted to go but she left too. His adoptive fa- Crepus, he left aswell, and when the truth, the reality spilled out of Kaeya’s mouth, Diluc abandoned him as well. Everyone left, because that is what the cycle of life is. People come into your lives, make themselves comfortable, show you love and care and show you that you deserve the love and care they so gallantly offer, and then they leave.
On days worse than the normal ones, Kaeya stands by the window, the lights of his apartment are all off. He stands there taking in the scenery beyond this window and the life that lives outside of his measly apartment. He watches his neighbours, a couple to his left who recently got married and just had their first child. The wife sits outside soaking in the heat, the husband right beside her cooing and playing with their little child. Such a happy, lovely family. Just watching them makes Kaeya feel the ugly ache of jealousy in the pit of his stomach and he hates it because why, why is he jealous of people he doesn’t even know and doesn’t care enough to. They look happy, good for them.
He remembers days where Diluc and him would spend the day outside in the wineyards, running about like wild animals making all sorts of hysterical noises and causing a storm. Father would look over them with love evident in his eyes and pride in his chest, “my boys” he used to call them when they’d get tired of their endless running and babbling and come straight to him, finding comfort in his grasp and his loving hugs. Adelinde would clean them with a soft rag, poke at their chubby faces with it and place a chaste kiss on their cheeks filled with affection. She’d easily lift them within her arms and carry them to the safety of their home as they’d cling to her shoulders. She’d put them in baths full of warm water and throwing rubber ducks around, wrap them in towels and place an adoring kiss on their foreheads which she had named her “remedy to make the cold go away” so her young master would remain warm and cozy.
His phone rings from where it is stuck between the frame of the couch, intentionally or unintentionally, Kaeya doesn’t know. He doesn’t find the energy to walk all the way over and pick it up, much less answer it so he stays where he is, looking over the window with a permanent smile etched onto his face. The ringing stops, then resumes again. It’s starting to buzz in his ears but still, he won’t pick it up. It’ll stop ringing on its own, he doesn’t feel like moving right now.
The couple make their way inside, the door to the front yard closes shut and Kaeya frowns, the streets are bare and the sun has hidden itself behind the clouds that now grow dark in color. The first sign of rain, how lovely. He shifts away from the window and towards the couch, no, not for the phone, but for his discarded scarf. He holds the fabric in his hands and carefully wraps it around his neck, then he moves to the front door and reaches for the handle of the umbrella there. He’s still dressed in his pajamas, but if there is no such fancy or amazing place he’s going, it does not matter. He looks around his- no, the house, the lights are still off and the only source of light is the faint thunder rumbling outside the window. Kaeya turns away, pulls open the front door before pausing and turning around again, his phone, it’s still there, stuck between the couch pads and just barely slipping to fall through it. He walks away from the front door and to the couch, reaching a hand to grab the cellular device and pulling it out.
He does not turn the screen on or see who was calling, he doesn’t even open it to check the time but instead mindlessly shoves it in his pajama pocket. The front door swings open and he’s gone. Outside the rain is light, it taps against the ground and whatever surface it touches next, the roofs of houses and tin sheds make light sounds as the droplets fall against it, the wind sways the leaves of trees around along with other random garbage that lines the street, though there’s scarcely any. Kaeya walks along the street, his umbrella carefully tucked away at his side, a mere drizzle is all that is happening right now, the umbrella will probably of importance later. He reaches out a hand to catch the raindrops that fall and observes them as they touch the surface of his hand, and slowly, steadily drizzle below until all there’s left of it is a tiny droplet. Kaeya continues walking.
On sunny days I go out walking
I end up on a tree-lined street
I look up at the gaps of sunlight
I miss you more than anything.
-
He places the umbrella onto the grass below, the rain seems to have stopped entirely as sunlight once again peeks through the gaps in the trees and onto where he is seated. The wind has also entirely stopped leaving a lurking silence behind itself where it’s only him and the occupant of the grave, just them both.
Crepus R.
Beloved son, father and an amazing husband.
Kaeya hums, placing a hand against the gravestone and patting it as if it’s a living being. He knows it is not, but there’s nothing wrong in dreaming right? He shifts closer to the grave and lets his body lean against it, sighing in contentment.
“I’m sorry I did not visit earlier father. Things at work were beginning to get messy and I just, had a lot to deal with…this month. I’ve been too tired or too busy to spend time with you, so I apologize for that. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. But, anyway. I have things to share with you. So, You know Jean? She got promoted recently, the manager was very happy with how she was working and gave her the opportunity, she said she’d celebrate with us once she finished working. Heh, always such a workaholic. And oh yes, Klee, my favorite girl, she learned how to color within the lines! Amazing I know, she’s still practicing, but at least she’s isn’t tearing the paper apart with the force she uses to color. I got her new coloring book, Albedo was mad I spent my own money but I convinced him anyway. It’s not like I have anyone else to buy things for…”
He paused, letting out another long-tired exhale before smiling again. “And yes, Lisa! She got me a new perfume scent to try, we do this thing where we get each other cosmetics to try, she’s my biggest critic y’know? Kills me each time with her sarcastic remarks, but she’s…nice, so I let her. Bennet won the race at school, although he did break his leg by accident. He was still all smiles and happiness when I visited him, he’s a good kid. I spent the first days of the week at Rosaria’s, we stayed up till late streaming all sorts of random shows, she showed me her collection of mini knives and blades, which I still to this day believe are a 100% real and she’ll one day stab me or someone else with one of them. We also smoked- well I smoked only one cigarette, she consumes a 100 of them on a daily. Yes, I’ve told it’s unhealthy but her addiction, it’s a bit hard to quit. I’m sure she’ll manage. Ah yes, Addie sent me a letter. She gave me the best of her wishes along with some home baked goods, and of course no one can beat her cooking, they were amazing and tasted heavenly. I still have some tucked away at home. Father, Let me be honest with you, one last time. I’ve been tired these days…tired of living, of working, of smiling and of…just everything. I want to rest. I’m tired of Diluc not looking at me, pretending that I am a ghost or a stranger. I want things to go back to the way they were. But they won’t, I know that.”
He falls quiet again, lazily watching the sky. “Sorry I took so much of your time, after having not talked at all, it feels weird to just, spill out whatever comes out of my mouth. Well, I think it’s time I leave father, I have to…go.” With that he moves away from the gravestone and shakily gets up, grabbing a hold of the discarded umbrella. He looks at the grave one last time before slowly walking away from it and out of the graveyard, instead moving towards a new destination he had in mind.
I don’t need the world to see
That I’ve been the best that I can be, but
I don’t think I can stand to be
Where you don’t see me.
-
The blaring of oncoming trains, the announcements echoing from speakers, the background sound of people conversing, luggage being dragged around are all blurry to his ears as he continues walking. He has no luggage, just an umbrella, just him and weary, exhausted soul. He steps forward and past the whizzing people who move along left to right, incoming and oncoming. He walks past the yellow line that isn’t meant to be crossed and stops, waits patiently for something, something to come by.
And when the familiar sound of an incoming train is heard, he steps forward slightly before letting his body fly, freeing it from the chains that it had been bound to since the day it was first formed, when it was first given a life.
Blood splashes everywhere, on the ground, on the tracks, on the front of the train and on Diluc Ragnvindr’s clothes. The blood of his once-brother.
Somewhere far away from the ongoing chaos, a phone dings from where it lays discarded near a grave.