Chapter Text
Rebecca curses at the straps of her high heels, fighting to unclasp the buckles through the tears in her eyes and her drunken haze, aided only by the dim light of the street lamps outside of the Crown & Anchor. She knows she only has moments before someone realizes she’s missing and steps outside, and they can’t see her like this.
He can’t see her like this.
She manages to keep her balance just long enough to rip the second heel off, and she flings them both aside, too drunk to care about them or the logistics of having no shoes on the streets of London. She only cares about getting far, far away from the people inside the pub, their merriment only widening the pit she feels inside of her stomach. How can so many people seem to be just fine when her whole world has come to a screaming halt?
The ground is soaked and cold with the day’s downpour, but without a glance back, Rebecca runs.
Two weeks ago, Ted broke the news to the team that he would be returning to Kansas for good. Every day since then had felt like stumbling through a dense fog, his interactions stilted, his speech slow and distant. The only thing he could see through the fog was Henry’s face, but even then, it blinked in and out of focus, never lingering long enough to provide any real sense of comfort. If he is being honest with himself, Rebecca’s face does pop up too, but not the one with the gorgeous smile he has grown so accustomed to seeing over the years. No, the face that his mind conjures up is the face he saw as he told her he was leaving, crumpled and tormented. Her beautiful green eyes glassy with tears.
It haunts him.
He doesn’t dare to dig into why it does, nor does he really have the brain power to do so. It feels like his mind is operating like a rusted bike chain, slow and stuttering. Ted shakes his head in an attempt to scatter the fog and is working on packing up his backpack when Beard steps into their office.
“Heya, Coach,” Beard says, stopping in front of the desk.
Ted barely looks up from what he is doing and lets out a muttered “Howdy, Beard.”
“How about we get out of here and go to the Crown and Anchor and talk about why you look and sound like the world’s most monrose cowboy right now,” Beard wastes no time in calling him out.
Ted lifts the corner of his mouth in a pathetic attempt at a smile. It had been a long day at Nelson Road, full of meetings to discuss the logistics of his departure, his replacement, every minute was about leaving, leaving, leaving. He’d be darned if he didn’t want to sit down with a few cold pints and forget the world for a little while.
“Don’t you worry ‘bout me,” Ted waves him off. “But I’d love to join ya, like it’s any old night,” trying and failing to push the thought that it would be one of their last out in Richmond to the recesses of his mind.
Satisfied with his agreement but still unconvinced, Beard pats a hand on Ted’s shoulder and they walk out of the club and into the night.
The Crown & Anchor has been decked out with balloons and streamers, a banner hanging from the wall opposite the bar declaring “So Long, Farewell Coach Lasso” and a massive sunflower cake sits at the bar. Rebecca steps around in her black halter dress to take in the work she and Keeley have arrived early to set up. She feels like she has entered a nightmarish escape room with no way out, no clues to solve and no panic button to hit.
The surprise party had been Keeley’s idea, who had insisted that not having a proper sendoff for someone like Ted would be “downright neglectful, maybe even evil, and I don’t care if he doesn’t want one.” Reluctantly, Rebecca had agreed, knowing in her heart that her friend was right.
She did want to celebrate him, but it made her think of all of the other times they could and should have celebrated him and didn’t. Nights when a goodbye wasn’t imminent, nights when she knew she was going to sleep with an endless stretch of Ted-filled days ahead of her. Nights where she could have been present and celebrated Ted for who and what he was, instead of mourning what she was now losing.
She thinks back on what she had said to her mum just days ago, that Ted wasn’t dying. She had managed to get the words out, but it felt like every molecule in her body still thought he was and was systematically rejecting the notion, like it was chemically incompatible with it. In the two weeks since Ted had dropped the truth bomb, she had barely slept, her mind racing, snagging on every moment she had taken for granted and getting tripped up over the yawning hole her life was about to adopt against her will.
She barely ate, waking up every morning with her stomach in knots, the thought of food sending waves of nausea through her body so strong that her stomach turned. Most days she was not eating until dinnertime, when her stomach would give a pathetic grumble and she would try to placate it with some toast or a granola bar. Even those usually ended up half eaten, abandoned when her anxiety came clawing back in full force. She was already starting to feel the looseness in her skirts and trousers.
So it is with a sleep-deprived heart and mind and a nearly-empty stomach that she turns to Keeley and says, “Let’s do a shot.”
“I mean, alright, the guest of honor isn’t even here yet but I’ll never say no to a pre-drink,” Keeley smiles, unaware of Rebecca’s motivations. She has already decided that the only way she would be able to get through this night was if she gets filthy, silly drunk. It isn’t exactly one she wants to remember, and even so, she thinks it is the only way she can remotely pretend to be enjoying herself.
For Ted’s sake.
She doesn’t want to send him off with memories of her moping in a corner. He deserves a night full of fond, fun memories, surrounded by people who support him and are happy for him. She can be that. For a night.
As Rebecca and Keeley make their way over to the bar, Nate, Will, and Roy file in, catching sight of them and greeting each other. Rebecca busies herself by ordering shots of tequila with Mae, throwing in three extra for the boys who just arrived.
Rebecca hands them out to everyone, earning a series of groans. “Come on, now, be grown ups and take a shot with your boss,” Rebecca jokes with a lightness she does not feel.
“Don’t mind if I do,” Will exclaims, eagerly grabbing his shot from her hand.
They raise their glasses to cheers, but when Rebecca doesn’t say anything, Roy grunts, “To Ned Flanders!”
“To Ned Flanders!” Keeley, Nate, and Will repeat back, Rebecca trailing off with a “To.. Ned,” grimacing, and shooting her shot back.
The alcohol burns down her throat, warming her chest. She glances at her watch and realizes it’s 20 ‘til 8, the top of the hour being the time she and Keeley had set with Beard to arrive with Ted at the pub. If she wants any hope of at least being buzzed by the time he arrives, she needs to get moving.
“Mae, can Keeley and I have another round, please,” signaling her back over. “And throw in a vodka soda for me as well.” More of the boys have begun to filter into the pub, carrying the earlier arrivals away with them to grab beers and seats.
Keeley raises her eyebrows in surprise but doesn’t object to Rebecca’s uncharacteristic enthusiasm for spirits. “No wine tonight, babes?”
“The occasion calls for something a bit stronger, I’m afraid,” Rebecca admits.
Keeley’s expression softens and she nods sympathetically. “I know, we’re all taking it hard. But it’ll be good for him, yeah? He needs his boy more than anything.” Rebecca is well aware that Keeley knows she’s taking it harder than anyone, but is grateful she doesn’t acknowledge that at this moment. She wouldn’t be able to get into it right now.
They shoot back their tequila again and Rebecca nods without looking over. Far from in the mood to have this discussion again, she grabs her vodka soda and makes her way over to the team to greet more of the boys, pasting on a smile and thanking them for coming.
“We would not miss this for the world, Miss Coach,” Dani’s eyes widen at her and Rebecca smiles despite herself.
“I know, Dani. He’d do the same for you. And he’ll be here soon! Anyone want to join in on a shot with me before he does?” Rebecca waggles her brows.
This is greeted with raucous cheers from the team, and they all line up for shots at the bar.
“Oi, are you in some sort of competition to see who can have the most shots before Ted gets here?” Roy sidles up next to her.
“No, but is that a challenge I hear in there, Roy Kent? I’d be happy to oblige,” she flutters her lashes at him, her best attempt at lightheartedness.
Roy growls and joins in on the team shot, Rebecca chasing hers with her nearly-empty vodka soda. The combination is ghastly, but she is pleased with the progress she’s made. Her head feels lighter, her body looser, and she begins to lose herself in the crowd.
When Beard opens up the door to the Crown & Anchor, Ted registers a strange hush to the atmosphere that is completely disconcerting until –
“SURPRISE!”
The entire team is there, plus Baz, Paul, and Jeremy and some other regulars, beaming at him with their hands raised in celebration. Ted scans the crowd in shock, but he really only has eyes for one person –
Rebecca. There she is, squeezed tight between Keeley and Higgins. She’s beaming at him, too, but her eyes are glassy and she’s still a bit pale, something he’d picked up on the last few days. His mind begins churning, worry gripping his gut before he realizes - he’s staring.
Ripping his eyes from her, he takes in the rest of the crowd again. “Well, hoo wee, ya’ll got me good - thank- thank you so much, I think y’all’ve rendered me speechless,” he laughs, actually feeling lighter than he has for the first time in a while.
“We wanted to make sure we had one more night together as a team before we send you off,” Keeley explains brightly.
“Well, this - this is perfect, Keels, thank you all so much, c’mere!” he shouts, walking over to the group and opening his arms for a massive group hug.
When they all pull apart, he turns to Beard and gives him a playful shove on the shoulder. “You lured me in like a mouse to cheese there, didn’t ya?” he teases.
Beard raises his hands in innocence and points over to Keeley and Rebecca. “Nope. This was all them. I just followed orders.”
Ted glances over at them, smirks, and jerks his head, signaling them to move closer.
“Well, you ladies have put on quite the surprise,” Ted smiles, and Keeley throws her arms around him in an enthusiastic embrace from her tippy toes, Rebecca watching from the side. “Thank you.”
When Keeley untangles herself from him, he turns to Rebecca and pulls her into her own hug, noticing immediately the stiffness of her arms and how she doesn’t lean into the hug. Unyielding. A far cry from the hugs, however few, they’ve shared before. His face falls and he pulls her away from his chest, grasping her biceps and putting some space between them so that he can look into her eyes. He gets his first good look at her of the evening.
Her eyes are already a bit bloodshot, and there are dark purple bags under them that even her expertly applied concealer doesn’t fully obscure. The paleness in her face is even starker up close, especially against the purple under her eyes. Ted narrows his brows at her in concern and whispers in a hushed tone, “Hey, you alright?”
Rebecca waves him off and shakes her head in astonishment, declaring, “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?!”
Ted considers her words, but before he can respond, he catches a strong whiff of the alcohol on her breath. “Woah, Rebecca, how long did you guys party without me?” He aims for teasing, but his mind is catching up to everything he’s observed and realizes that Rebecca is already buzzed, if not drunk.
“Oh come now, don’t be jealous, only a little while! The setup committee had to reward themselves, right, Keeley?” She turns to her friend for support.
Keeley nods in agreement but gives Ted a pointed look when Rebecca looks down to take a sip of her drink. Noted. The setup committee may have had some libations together but it seems Rebecca is still well ahead of Keeley.
“Come on, Ted, let’s get you a shot!” Rebecca pulls him towards the bar, and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her no. It’s his goodbye party, after all.
From that point, the night becomes a haze, Rebecca trying to keep her distance from those who might not only call her out for how much she’s drinking, but also say things that might bring her barely-under-wraps emotions bubbling up to the surface. Read: Ted, Keeley, and Roy. Beard too, but she’s fairly certain he’s also high on top of being drunk, so he isn’t as much of a concern. She feels guilty not spending much time with Ted during his own goodbye party, but she rationalizes to herself that she’s only protecting her own heart. She’ll muster up the courage in a couple of days when she really has to say goodbye to him. At least that’s what she tells herself.
So instead, she hangs with her boys: Jamie, Colin, Isaac, Bumbercatch, enough bodies grouped together that she can make return trips to the bar without the bartenders clocking how often she’s been back. Even then, she tries to take turns, switching off who she orders her drinks from so as to not raise any suspicion.
If she wasn’t so intoxicated, she may have noticed Ted’s darting eyes, keeping tabs on her throughout the evening, peering over the shoulder of whoever he happens to be talking to. She would have seen him registering her drunken stumbles, realizing how she always seems to be at the bar whenever he looks for her, and the mutters he shares with Keeley and Mae, trying to work out just how much she’s had to drink.
She herself lost count after about seven, and it’s been at least an hour since then with no slowing down. She’s moved from a state of melancholy into one of pleasant numbness, both literally and figuratively. Her tongue is heavy in her mouth and she’s no longer sure she has toes. She’s about to throw a dart one of the boys has handed to her, the board blurring into three separate targets, arm stretching backwards towards her head, when she feels a strong grip on her forearm that stops her in her tracks.
“Hey! What was that for! Iwasboutogetabullseye!” she slurs, whipping around to face her assailant, stumbling backwards when she realizes it’s Ted.
Oh, fuck.
Ted’s grip on her tightens, stopping her from fully falling backwards into the table. “Woah, easy there, sharpshooter. The only bullseye you might be gettin’ is someone’s actual eye,” Ted says gently, trying to coax her eyes to his.
“Hey, Rebecca, can you look at me?” he asks, her eyes finally meeting his. “There we go. Have you had anything to eat tonight?”
Rebecca smirks, unable to conjure up memories of anything much earlier than arriving at the pub, where she hasn’t had a lick of food. “Maaaaybe,” she shrugs, turning back to Nate and attempting to wrestle a dart from his grip.
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Ted mutters, simultaneously pulling Rebecca back to his side to get her away from the damn darts. “Let’s get you some chips or something.”
Rebecca gives up her attempt on taking out everyone’s eyeballs, deciding the chips couldn’t hurt. Her drunkenness has actually given her a bit of an appetite, she realizes. Ted snakes his arm around her waist and holds her hip firmly to support her stumbling form. She tries not to think about how warm, how comforting his grip feels against her body. He leads them over to the bar and places an order for some chips and two large glasses of water.
Mae gets the items out to them quickly, giving Ted a knowing look. “Appreciate ya, Mae,” giving her a salute. With his hands now full, Rebecca moves from his side and makes an attempt to sit on one of the bar stools, immediately listing to the left and sliding off the stool. “Shit,” Ted exclaims, half throwing the chips and waters back onto the counter to catch her before she hits the floor.
“Whoopsie!” Rebecca giggles as Ted pulls her upright.
“Yeah, whoopsie is right, sweetheart,” the term of endearment slipping out and pulling Rebecca up from the depths of her intoxication for a brief moment. Tears prick at the backs of her eyes, the sudden emotion startling her. She takes a shaky breath and focuses her attention on the chips in an attempt to steel herself. Why would he call her that?
Ted thankfully mistakes the look for hunger and lets out a shaky breath himself, relieved that she’s about to get something in her stomach. “Let’s sit somewhere closer to the ground, alright?” he suggests, leading her to a booth that he decides will offer her the most support.
He sits down across from her, pushing the chips in her direction. “Eat.”
Still feeling the sudden surge of emotion and subsequent dampening of her appetite, Rebecca only half heartedly grabs a chip, popping the warm, salty lifeline into her mouth.
“Are you gonna tell me why you’ve gotten so drunk?” he asks.
“Are you gonna tell me why issyourbusiness?” Rebecca responds, more sharply than intended. Or as sharply as a drunk person can manage.
“Well- I- it’s not, really I’m just a bit worried you’re gonna make yourself sick.”
“I can’t cel’brate my gaffer who’s leaving me?” she slurs, shoving another chip into her mouth, teetering dangerously close to being back to actually feeling her emotions.
“Well, ‘course ya can. Just need’ta make sure you’re safe doin’ it,” he responds, scanning the room. “‘Sides, I’ve barely spoken to ya all night,” he adds, and she can see the hurt in his eyes.
Rebecca drops the chip she was about to eat, dropping her eyes to the side. “‘M sorry, Ted, I’ve - gotten distracted…” she trails off, avoiding his eyes.
“Hey, it’s alright!” scrambling to bring her murky eyes back to his, placing his hand over hers. “We’re here now, aren’t we? One last night at the Crown and Anchor together?”
At this, her heart cracks. Suddenly the melting pot of emotions from the past two weeks finally does come bubbling to the surface, and the reminder that Ted is leaving, really leaving , breaks through her stupor.
“Right,” she manages a wobbly smile before saying, “Sorry but I’ve - I’ve got to use the loo. ‘Scuseme..” she mumbles, scrabbling her way out of the booth before her floodgates open.
Ted jolts up out of the booth, bewildered. He gently grabs her arm, steadying her. “Hey, slow down, how ‘bout you go with Keels? Girls’ trip to the loo? Dontcha like to do that anyway?”
Too drunk and panicky to care, Rebecca nods as Ted flags down Keeley, looking anywhere but at his face. She begins stumbling down the hall to the ladies’ room, not bothering to wait for her babysitter but vaguely aware of Keeley voicing her agreement to Ted and trailing behind her.
She bangs into the swinging door of the restroom, tears steadily flowing down her cheeks now. She tries to hold herself up by gripping the bathroom counter, but even that proves to be too much and she’s sliding to the floor as Keeley walks into the room.
She doesn’t register the way that Keeley’s face falls through her tears and hiccuping sobs, barely feels when she sinks down to her level and wraps her arms around her. Blessedly, Keeley doesn’t speak. Her best friend just knows, and lets her weep in her arms.
Ted breathes a sigh of relief when Keeley and Rebecca finally emerge from the restroom about ten minutes later, but his relief is short-lived when he registers the redness of her eyes. It’s further stifled when Rebecca makes no moves to make her way back to him, instead rejoining the boys by the dart boards. Something is so clearly upsetting her, and he seems to be the culprit. Why else would she be avoiding him? He racks his brain, trying to remember everything he’s done or said to her in the last few days and comes up short. His heart clenches at the thought of being the source of her hurt, regardless of the reason.
He considers going over to her but decides against it. If she needs space, she needs space. He isn’t going to push it, even though he’s craving her closeness, desperate to ease her pain. He can leave her be for now. He can do that. That is, until he sees Nate, fucking Nate —
He’s handing another shot to Rebecca, who eagerly takes it from his hand. They join several of the other boys in a cheers, “To Coach Lasso!” and Ted moves to stop her, but he’s too far away and too late. He cringes as he watches yet another shot of clear liquid hit Rebecca’s lips and work its way down her throat. Why is nobody else looking out for her? Why isn’t she looking out for her? He realizes with sudden clarity that he knows the answer to the first question. Nobody is quite so attuned to her the way he is. Nobody else has been watching her out of the corner of their eye the entire evening, nobody knows just how much she’s been drinking and how off she looks. Nobody but him. At this rate, she’s probably guaranteed alcohol poisoning and her team is aiding her in the process.
The answer to the second question, though, he has no idea. What has driven her to look so pallid, to not care how much she’s drinking?
Deciding enough is enough, he grabs the abandoned plate of chips and water and carries them over to Rebecca and the boys, hoping he can at least get her to eat more than the handful she’s managed so far. But before he can say anything to her, Nate cheers loudly at his arrival. Rebecca is barely staying upright, leaning on Jamie for support.
“TED! Come join us, we’ve just had another round but we can grab one more for you! We still need to catch up too, I want to hear all about your plans for back in Kansas! Going back to Henry… and maybe you’ll even find yourself a new midwest gal,” he suggests, waggling his eyebrows. He’s clearly a bit drunk as well, speaking louder than strictly necessary with Ted right there.
At the mention of ‘midwest gal,’ Ted sees Rebecca jolt up from her position against Jamie’s side and freeze out of the corner of his eye.
He can’t see what’s disturbed her, though, because Nate is dragging him to the bar for his belated shot. With a desperate glance at Rebecca’s stoic face, he shoves the plate of chips in Jamie’s hands and pleads, “Please, get her to eat some of these, would ya? I’ll be right back.”
“Sure thang, coach,” Jamie drawls, accepting the plate of food as Nate whisks Ted away. Ted doesn’t want to deny him, not when they had so recently repaired their broken relationship.
“How about some whiskey, Ted?” Nate asks, half to him, half to Pete, another bartender. Ted briefly registers Mae chatting with Jeremy; Roy and Keeley laughing with Higgins.
“Sure, yeah, sounds great,” Ted replies, distracted by his racing mind. He doesn’t care what the shot is, just wants to get back to Rebecca, make sure she drinks some water and eats some more food. He whips his head around, checking to see if she is, but he can’t spot her from here.
Pete pours the shots for Nate and Ted. Ted moves to clink his against Nate’s and quickly get it down, but he has other ideas.
“Hold on, hold on. Ted, I just want to say again how truly sorry I am for… everything. And now that you’re leaving, I really wish I had been around for your last season. If I had known… if I wasn’t so damn selfish – ”
“Hey, bud, I’m gonna stop ya right there,” he responds, feeling a rush of affection for him. “It’s water under the bridge, okay? I’m grateful for the time we had together, and that’s what I’ll remember, and I want you to do the same, right?”
Nate smiles, eyes shimmering with affection. “Yeah, alright. Cheers, coach,” Nate clinks his glass against Ted’s, and they both shoot the whiskey back.
“Hoo-wee, that sting, don’t it?” Ted clears his throat. He scrunches his face in apology as he cranes his neck to spot Rebecca again, to no avail. “Hey, let’s get back over to the rest of the crew, I want to make sure that boss of ours gets some sustenance in her belly, cuz right now I think it’s nothin’ but jungle juice.” He tries to feign calm, attempting to toe the line of gentle urgency and desperation, and he’s not sure he succeeds.
Nate nods, a bit befuddled, and they make their way back to the corner where they came from. Ted scans the crowd, looking for her face, hopefully chip in mouth. He furrows his brow when he doesn’t immediately spot her, his eyes landing on Jamie instead.
“Hey - Jamie - JAMIE,” Ted shouts over the ruckus of the team. “Where’s Rebecca?” He spots the plate of chips, again abandoned and looking untouched.
“Oh, I uh, dunno Coach,” Jamie shrugs, distracted, barely glancing over and half laughing with a few other boys from the team.
Shit.
Ted’s heart stutters in his chest, ice coursing through his veins. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” It comes out so harsh his voice loses some of its twang.
“I tried to give her the chips, I really did, coach, but she said she needed to go,” he says.
“Go? Like, go to the bathroom or go go?” Ted’s voice feels trapped in his throat.
“She didn’t say, actuall-eh.”
Frustration rising, Ted brings his fingertips to his forehead and closes his eyes, sucking in a sharp breath through his nose. He then whips around, craning his neck to scan the crowd in full. His eyes pass over person after person, desperately seeking the shock of blonde hair he knows he could pick out in a second.
He comes up empty.
Ted starts to feel his vision tunneling in on itself as he shoves his way through the crowd, panic threatening to boil over. He tries to tell himself that maybe she’s just in the bathroom, even if she was just in there, or maybe decided to go home. The latter thought isn’t even comforting, though, because it not only means she’s drunk and alone, (drunk feeling like an understatement, he’s not even sure she could determine left from right in the state she’s in), but that she left without saying goodbye at his goodbye party. He shoves the hurt that the thought sparks aside, shifting his focus to find someone much shorter than Rebecca.
“KEELEY!” he yells from across the pub when he spots her in the same place she was before, talking to Roy and Higgins.
All of their heads snap up at the urgency in his voice, and Ted nearly bowls Nate over as he forces his way through the crowd.
“Where is Rebecca?” Ted pleads, holding on to the blind hope that if he didn’t know where Rebecca was, surely her best friend would –
That hope gets sucked out of him like a vacuum at Keeley’s “No, I thought she was with you...”
A glance at Roy and Higgins tells him immediately that they don’t know, either.
Seeing the color drain from Ted’s face, Keeley suggests, “I’ll go check the loo, alright?” She places a comforting hand on his forearm and offers him a sympathetic smile, dashing off to the ladies’ room.
“Ted, we’re going to find her, ‘kay? She can’t have gone far,” Roy supplies.
Ted nods absently, eyes darting around the crowd again. He fights the urge to run outside, start looking for her. Mentally, he’s trying to calculate how long he was distracted, taking a foolish shot with Nate, when he should have been looking after her –
“She is so drunk – what if something happens – what if someone left with her –” Ted chokes, mind running wild. Suddenly, everyone in this room feels like an enemy, a potential creep who did something to her drinks. Suddenly, her level of intoxication takes on a new, sinister light, and ice returns to his veins.
“Ted, I don’t think anyone here would do anything like that to her,” Higgins shakes his head, refusing to believe such a thing could happen.
“Yeah, well, ya don’t know that,” Ted snaps. At this outburst, Higgins bristles.
“I’ll call her.” Roy pulls out his phone at the same moment Keeley returns from her search, shaking her head with a fearful look in her eyes.
“That’s it, I’m leavin’,” Ted turns without looking back, Roy, Higgins and Keeley trailing behind him, the party instantly forgotten.
“She didn’t answer,” Roy gulps.
Ted slams the door open, his head immediately on a swivel in hopes that she’s just standing right outside. The night is mercifully not too chilly, being nearly summer, but there’s still a bite to the air that only fuels Ted’s worry. She might not freeze, but she’s not going to be warm.
The panic is already threatening to consume him, and he feels the telltale signs of a panic attack coming in his fingers and his spine, when Keeley gasps.
“Her shoes,” her voice trembles as she bends over to pick them up. The last thread of Ted’s sanity snaps and he drops to his knees, a buzzing in his ears and barely registering the wet ground seeping through his pants. He takes in the abandoned black heels, the ominous sight sending chills down his spine.
He takes shallow, shuddering breaths, as his mind assaults him with flashes of Rebecca taking her shoes off for reasons unknown, none of them good – why would she have done that? Why was she leaving in such a hurry that her heels had to be disposed of? Was she running away from someone trying to harm her? Why wouldn’t she just turn back inside the pub to certain safety, where he would have immediately come to her aid? His head spins, the mutterings of Roy, Keeley, and Higgins not even registering.
Suddenly Roy’s face is in his, Ted’s vision swimming as Roy shakes his shoulders roughly. “Ted, deep fucking breaths for me, we’re going to find her, alright?”
Ted attempts to gulp down some air, but it gets trapped halfway down his throat and he chokes out. “In through your nose,” Roy instructs, and suddenly Ted’s mind is flooded with memories of Rebecca helping him through his panic attack in Liverpool. God , he needs her. He slams his eyes shut and focuses on those memories, Roy’s voice filtering in and out as Rebecca’s takes over. As he takes more breaths, in through his nose and out through his mouth, Roy’s voice becomes clearer and clearer. “That’s it, Ted. Can you stand up for me?”
Ted rises on wobbly knees, shaking his head and wiping tears from his eyes. “Shit, I’m sorry, I’ve wasted time, we need to move.”
“It’s okay. We needed to strategize anyway. Beard is too far gone to be any help, but I’m going to go with Roy to her place, you and Higgins go walk along the Thames. She may have just wanted some fresh air. She can’t have gone far,” Keeley instructs.
Ted’s eyes bug out at the suggestion that Rebecca could be near a body of water and a new wave of terror rushes through him. She’s already fallen into one body of water, and to his knowledge, she was sober then. Nothing compared to how she is tonight, drunker than he’s ever seen her before. She could drown –
Ted takes off at a sprint, dodging bewildered passerby and not bothering to see if Higgins is trailing him, his mind singularly focused on getting to the river as quickly as he can. A light turns green and he’s forced to wait at the corner for a stream of cars, although he entertains the idea of playing frogger. He opts to pull out his phone instead, trembling fingers finding Rebecca’s name under his Favorites and smashing his thumb to her name to start the call. The ringing is shrill in his ears as he pleads breathlessly, “Rebecca, please, please, pick up, sweetheart.”
“Your call has been forwarded to voicemail…” the robotic tone starts.
“FUCK!” Ted slams his foot against a lamppost, willing the light to change just as Higgins catches up to him, out of breath and relieved to have done so.
“Ted, I know you’re trying to hurry but we need to stick together. I don’t think you should be out on your own right now either,” Higgins says sternly.
Ted mumbles his agreement, but takes off at a brisk pace anyway when the traffic finally clears. “Where exactly are we headed, anyway?” Higgins asks.
“I have no fucking clue. She could be anywhere. I don’t know if you’ve really talked to her tonight, Higgins, but she’s so drunk. She’s not safe. Don’t even know if she got in a car, or is walkin’, or if someone else –” the words die in his throat, unable to voice the possibility again.
“She’s going to be just fine, Ted. Let’s start at the pier and make our way east along the walkway,” Higgins suggests, and Ted is grateful for his decision-making, his own mind too scrambled to choose.
Ted picks up his pace ever so slightly, again reminded of all of the drinks he saw Rebecca consume, not to mention the ones he perhaps didn’t witness. He shudders to think of the state she is in now. Even if she’s in the safety of her own home, she shouldn’t be alone.
Higgins’s ringtone cuts into the quiet night air. As if she had heard Ted’s line of thinking from across the green, Higgins fumbles his phone out of his pocket, glancing at the screen and immediately answering Ted’s unspoken question: “It’s Keeley.”
Disappointment and hope alike zip through Ted’s bloodstream. He had foolishly thought it could be Rebecca calling, but maybe Keeley will at least have some answers for him. He holds his breath and strains to hear the other end of the line as Higgins answers the call.
“She’s not home.” Keeley’s tinny voice registers in his head.
Ted forces his breath out and his lower lip trembles, on the verge of desperate tears again. Home was the only hope they had of finding her easily, the only lifeline he had been hanging on to. With that hope dashed, this entire search feels impossible, fruitless, foolish even. He feels the sharp prick of tears forming in his eyes once more.
“Ask her if she’s checked the garden,” Ted blurts out desperately. He knows Rebecca likes to sit out there and manifest, he thinks wildly, sometimes even at night, so maybe –
Higgins obliges and is met with a confirmation that yes, they’ve checked, and no, she’s not there. Ted has to steady himself once more, his body swaying under the stress of yet another lifeline lost.
“Right, well. We’ve just about made it to the river. We’ll give you a buzz if we learn anything,” Higgins resigns and hangs up the phone. “They’re going to head back across the green, search in the streets by the pub.”
“That’s it. We need to call 999,” Ted plunges his hand into his pocket to retrieve his own phone.
“Ted, wait –” Higgins places his hand over Ted’s, stopping him in his tracks.
“Are you kiddin’ me?” Ted yells. “She’s wasted, it’s dark, we don’t know what the fuck’s happened to her. She’s MISSING!” White hot anger courses through his body, disbelief shocking his system.
“Ted, I know, deep breaths. But – let’s just search here for a bit first, please? 15 more minutes and I agree, 100%, let’s call,” Higgins reasons.
Ted closes his eyes and forces a sharp intake of breath, willing his temper to cool before he does something drastic. Once again, he’s wasting time, precious time that Rebecca may not have.
“Fine,” he bites out, refusing to look Higgins in the eye. If he does he might snap. Instead he reinvigorates his pace, feeling the slightest bit of tension leave his body as the pier comes into view. It feels good, productive, to finally be reaching their destination.
He strains his eyes against the dark night, willing Rebecca’s stumbling form to materialize, but there is hardly a soul in sight. He hears the gentle lapping of the water nearby and has to shut down the image of Rebecca floating around somewhere in its depths. As they work their way closer to the path that winds next to the water, he begins racking his brain, trying to remember if Rebecca has ever mentioned if she’s a strong swimmer, and comes up short. With a sick twist of his gut he realizes how little use any potential swimming skills would be in her current state. He should have kept a closer eye on her, not left her side, done better to keep her safe. Higgins’s silence only makes him feel worse, signaling to him that he is not the only one who feels the severity of the situation.
Finally, when they reach the start of the path, Higgins speaks. “Let’s start down this way.” He points to the right and raises his eyebrows in suggestion.
“What if she went that way?” Ted stares down the path that starts on the other side of the pier.
Higgins makes a noncommittal croaking sound from his throat. “She may have… but we need to pick one. And you’re not going alone.”
“Yes, I am. And you are too. We’d be fucking stupid to not split up. I’m not sending both of us one way when she could be needing us just on the other side.”
Seeing the determination in his eyes and hearing the desperation in his voice, Higgins relents. “Okay. I will go left, you go right. I will call you in 10 minutes to check in and decide if it’s time to call the police.”
Before Higgins can change his mind, Ted bolts down his assigned path. He keeps his head on a swivel, darting under bridges and peering into shadows, terrified he will miss Rebecca in the dark. He sees a flash of movement a few times and jolts, only to realize it’s a biker’s light zipping by or his mind playing tricks on him. The moon is barely a sliver in the sky, offering little in the way of light but he’s grateful he’s not searching in the pitch black of a moonless night.
“REBECCA!” he yells out, anguished, his throat aching at the strain. His voice echoes in the night and is met with silence. All at once, he is hit with the hopelessness of the situation, how ridiculous it is to expect to find her out here when nobody knows where she went or why. His mind snags on the why for the first time in earnest. If she chose to leave, what was the reason? Was she just having a smoke? Going for a walk? Or was she angry? Angry at him, or someone else? Or if it wasn’t voluntary, who lured her out? What were they doing to her while she was drunk and vulnerable? Violent images flicker in his head and he feels the familiar constriction in his chest, the buzzing in his ears. He chokes down a shallow gulp of the night air, trying with all of his might to get his panic under control. He knows it has never been so vital to keep his composure, not now, with Rebecca in danger and Higgins getting farther and farther away.
Ted staggers over to the wall of a bridge and props a hand against it, steadying himself as he takes deeper and deeper breaths, his other hand rubbing against his chest as he closes his eyes. Once again he hears Rebecca’s calming voice in his head and forces himself to believe that he will hear it again. Slowly, the feeling in his chest loosens, but the buzzing does not, taking on a strange cadence that he is unfamiliar with.
When his breathing returns to a normal, relatively effortless rate, he opens his eyes. The fog in his mind clears, but he still hears that damn buzzing.
Oh. He realizes it’s his ringtone, Higgins calling for what is likely not the first time based on how long Ted has mistaken the buzzing for his own panic attack. He fumbles his phone out of his pocket and swipes to accept the call without glancing at the screen.
“Hello?” he croaks, expecting to hear admonishment for not answering right away.
Silence.
“Ted?” he hears a weak, tired voice come through his phone that sends his heart galloping in his chest.
“Re- Rebecca?” He hardly trusts his own ears. He only hears a sniffling on the other end.
“Rebecca,” he repeats, more sternly this time. “Can you talk to me, please, sweetheart? Where are you? Are you okay?”
“I’m scared,” she slurs, and Ted’s heart breaks as dread floods through his system.
“Honey, don’t be scared, I’m going to find you. What’s wrong? Where are you?”
“‘M outside,” Ted hears the wobble in her voice, the gut wrenching realization that she’s in some kind of pain tearing through his senses.
“Okay. Where outside? Are you safe?”
“I - I don’know. ‘M on a bench. I think - issa park? Something about moose? No- deer. D-deer.”
“Deer? Old Deer Park?” Ted would laugh if her confusion wasn’t so concerning.
“Maybe?” she replies. Ted’s already running, knowing he’s only a few minutes away from the edge of that park, desperate to reach her, desperately hoping she’s right.
“Okay. I’m coming, sweetheart. Stay on the phone with me, okay? Don’t hang up,” he pleads.
“‘Kay. I won’t. Ted, ‘m so sorry, I don’t know what happened –"
“Becca, please, I’m just so glad you called. Can you tell me what’s goin’ on?” he asks, desperate to know what kind of state she’s in.
The only response he gets from her is a sob, and Ted wills his legs to run faster.